Squared Circle of Fortune - The Champ Is Over There

The answer to last week's Squared Circle of Fortune:

The Great Kelly
ECW's resident exhibitionist Kelly Kelly is many things. Surely, being "great" is one of the two. In the coming year, look for Kelly to break away from the Extreme Exposé and brain chop her way to the WWE Women's Title. She may not be as beautiful as The Great Khali, but she sure can do handsprings. Look at her do handsprings all damn day. She can't help herself. She's great.

*****

Can you solve this week's puzzlelzzup?


*****

NEXT WEEK

Oh, I don't know. How about you hit me in the fist with your face really hard? That sounds like a party.

AND

BALLIN'.

Wrestlemania 23: One Too Many Bald Guys - Part 2

Wrestlemania 23 was quite the Pay-Per-View, featuring ladders, Donald Trump, and previews of The Condemned. Apparently, if you want to watch The Codemned, you will need to climb a ladder and attain Donald Trump, who is trapped inside of a briefcase held high above your local multiplex. As for me, I will see the PG-rated, hilarious, family comedy Firehouse Dog instead. It's about this dog that works in a firehouse. Take that, Steve Austin.

On April 1, 2007, bodies were bruised and broken. Wrestlers put it all on the line for Wrestlemania glory. Also, Ashley competed. It was what it was. We will see all of these matches once more at Backlash and Judgment Day, but for now, bask in the superness of this grand, one-of-a-kind event.

*****

Segment 4
Vince McMahon and Girl Hunter and Baby Girl Hunter
Vince McMahon encountered his daughter Stephanie in his office. She had with her the babiest carriage of them all. Aurora Rose and her grandfather had a heart-to-heart talk about matters of the heart. Without warning, we were provided with a camera angle in which we saw Vince from the perspective of the infant. That's cuckoo bananas. I just a bought a state-of-the-art video camera the other day but it doesn't do that. I got robbed.

Vince McMahon spoke baby talk. It was surreal. It was phantasmagoric. Joy literally emanated out of my ass during his entire exchange with Aurora. The WWE Chairman expressed his anger towards Donald Trump and vowed to show him how he does it in The OC. Vince commented to Stephanie that Aurora smelled odd and must have taken a "Trump". Well, a Donald Trump Jr. maybe, but it certainly wasn't an Ivanka. Stephanie responded with a "Wha?", so Vince was like "Grrr." Steph said, "Whateva," and Vince was all "Nuh-uh, baby girl." Of course, this dialogue was stolen form Schindler's List.


*****

Match 5
The New Breed (Kevin the Vampire w/ Ariel, Matt Striker the Disgraced Teacher, Marcus Cor Von the Monty Brown, and Elijah Burke the Terkayless)
vs.
The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu Van Dam, Sandman Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer's Suspenders)
The New Breed entered together. I'm glad Elijah Burke was wearing a red bolero to the ring because it can get cold in Ford Field... in the halfway-up-the-torso region. The ECW Originals were next, entering through the fans. I don't know how true this is, but when WWE was still running ECW house shows, my friend Gibralter had front row seats. He came a little late to the show and tried to rush to his section. When he jogged down the stairs to his seat, he opened a beer can and slipped on one of the stairs, accidentally smashing the beer can on his head in the process. WWE thought he was Sandman and made him lose against Kevin Thorn in two seconds. What a company.

Underwhelming is the best description for this 8-man tag. It was nice to see the ECW brethren at Wrestlemania, but I wouldn't want to watch this again. After basic exchanges between the competitors, Rob Van Dam pinned Matt Striker with the Five Star Frog Splash for the "WWE Wants to Keep You Around" victory. Striker was entertaining for once, flipping and flopping every which way. If he was never on offense, he would be my 149th favourite wrestler named Matt. I'm for serious here. No fooling.


Winners and Extremists: The ECW Originals

*****

Match 6
Battle of the Cash Money Billionaires: Hair versus Hair: Trump versus McMahon: Episode 7: The Two Towers
Umaga with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Vince McMahon
vs.
Bobby Lashley with Donald "Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money" Trump
Special Guest Referee: The Ringmaster
The barber chair came down the aisle accompanied by pieces of string. This is the barber chair's first Wrestlemania appearance since Wrestlemania XX in the Molly Holly versus Victoria WWE Women's Title Match. What an impressive showing for the barber chair at Wrestlemania XX. Sure, it botched a Shooting Star Press, but it's a barber chair. I'm amazed it can wrestle competently.

Vince McMahon power-walked down the aisle and mimicked shaving off Trump's do with scissors. Trump should have been scared. Vince was doing a very bad job at fake cutting Donald Trump's hair. He was literally the worst fake barber ever. I will never get my pretend haircut at Vince McMahon's imaginary barbershop.

Umaga appeared in black tights with orange graphics at its sides. Savages like the fall colours, so don't be hating. Armando had a snazzy suit on his person. Believe me, if I could choose between becoming a manager or a wrestler, I would pick the former. My catchphrase would be "Ha ha ha... no constant lower back or neck pain for me."

Donald Trump came out. His entrance music consists of the word "money" sung over and over again. I say change it up to "Money, money, money, money, 'currencay'." Bobby Lashley followed with the ECW Title around his waist and pyro behind him. I do the same pose and no pyro for me. I do not see what WWE sees in Bobby Lashley. Every time I watch him, I ask "Where's Bob Sapp?" but that's neither here nor there. In the next lifetime, Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared in a referee shirt sponsored by WWE Films. I'm still not seeing the Condemned until they put a dog in the film. A dog who is employed by a house that somehow relates to fires. He flipped off four sides of the ring and possibly my grandmother. Hey, Steve Austin, don't be like that with Grandma. She likes her Owen Hart. Give her a break.

Trump and McMahon paced at ringside as Bobby Lashley started to beat up Umaga. Part of Lashley's offense was to punch Umaga with intensity, then punch him some more. While Lashley was positioned near the ropes, Umagagaga came flying at him, but Lashley ducked. Umaga went back first on the ringside mat with the thuddiest thud of them all. That wasn't for Samoa, was it? Umaga and Lashley continued to brawl until the bulldozer gained the advantage and choked the ECW World Champion. Steve Austin told Umaga, "I think ECW has had enough." Umaga disagreed. Austin used his Stone Cold skills to pull Umaga off of Lashley by his hair. Umaga disapproved. Austin would do this many times throughout the match. Umaga did not attack him until the third time. I believe he used the Samoan Spike. That was for Detroit and not Samoa in this instance.

Twinkletoe Ramirez himself (Shane McMahon) came out to put a bottom whipping on Lashley. Shane's punches were sloppy. If his name was Joe I would have called him Messy Hamburger. Vince assisted Shane by holding a trash can in front of Lashley's face, who was slouched over in the corner. Shane scaled the adjacent turnbuckles and nailed the Van Shane-inator to the trash can. He sure showed you, trash can. Man, he does not like garbage. Shane took off his shirt to reveal a referee shirt. He counted Umaga's pin on Lashley, but was yanked from the ring by Austin. Steve killed him with punches and threw him into the steel steps. Go see The Condemned.

As Vince was about to interfere in the bout, Trump came running at him. Trumpacanrana! Trump is luchariffic. Trump's punches were sloppy too. If his name was Joe I would have called him Unorganized Meat Sandwich Joseph. Back in the ring, Umaga bounces off of the ropes, only to be speared by Lashley. Austin counts the pin and Vince is quite surprised at this news.

McMahon tries to sneak out of the building, except he's not doing it well enough. A red exclamation mark appears above his head as Lashley, Trump, and Austin see him trying to bail. McMahon tries to run away but Lashley catches up to him. With the barber chair already in the ring, Trump and Lashley do the honours and shave him bald as Austin holds him in place. Vince is not happy with this event. They used shaving cream and everything. They did a way better job at shaving somebody's head than James Mitchell did with Raven. Shaving cream was all over Vince's face and scalp, which sort of alleviated the horrifying sight of his baldness. Vince left disgusted, weeping and groaning at his misfortune. Austin shared a beer with Trump and Lashley for a moment before stunning Donald. He did it so quickly, the camera almost didn't catch it. Trump took the move like a billionaire who has no business taking wrestling finishers should -- poorly. It wasn't as bad as Austin's stunner on Linda McMahon, though it was some kind of awful.

I was hoping that Omarosa-aga would debut and powerbomb Umaga to the depths of the underworld, but that was not meant to be. Here's to Donald Trump for being a competent wrestling personality, and here's to Vince McMahon for agreeing to have his hairdo undone. Here's to Lashley for reminding me that WWE needs to sign Bob Sapp.


Winners: Donald Trump, Bobby Lashley, and the Bald Population

*****

Match 7
WWE Women's Title Lumberjill Match
Melina (c) vs. Ashley
Melina entered wearing a cougar pelt. It was either a cougar pelt or the remnants of the show Tough Enough. The paparazzi were taking photographs of her since coming down to the ring for a professional wrestling match is incredibly scandalous.

The way Melina carries around her title bothers me. She should either wear the belt around her waist, or carry it over her shoulder. If she's only going to hold it up over her head clasped together like that for her entire reign, give the belt to some other lady. It's as if she doesn't know what a belt actually does. For example, if somebody were to give me a headband, I wouldn't put it around my ear or use it to extract juice from various fruits; I would wear it on my head. Melina has a lot to learn.

If Melina has much lessons ahead of her, Ashley hasn't even opened the textbook yet. It's always difficult watching her wrestle because she doesn't have the type of body that can absorb constant punishment. For example, Mickie James has attractive and useful cushion in her womanly places. Most importantly, she has enough there to handle the pain of landing back first onto the canvass a billion times over. On the other hand, whenever Ashley falls or takes a suplex, it appears as though every bone in her body has shattered within her. If Mickie James were the women's wrestling equivalent of a pillow, Ashley is a glass vase that cracks at the slightest gust of wind.

Almost every single WWE diva surrounded the ring. Even ECW's Trinity was there to show off her frontward protusions. The crowd was dead silent as Melina and Ashley had their match. It was so silent, I could hear a pin drop in a pin dropping factory from outer space. The lumberjills weren't really lumberjills at all since they stood around and did nothing for the entire two minutes of the match. Melina did a wacky surfboard/bow-and-arrow submission on Ashley. If Ashley had her punk hat on, she would've reversed that submission with much vigor. The two rolled around some more to execute what I assume to be several professional wrestling moves until Melina got the pin with a schoolboy. I think she held the tights, which made the faces slightly angry. The crowd did not care.

After the match, the women went at it. It was a big fight that did not arouse anyone in the entire world ever. I may be the only man to admit this, but a large group of women rolling around and pulling at each other's hair is not very attractive. Now, put them in a ball pit and maybe I'll take notice.


Winner and Constant Raiser of the WWE Women's Belt Over Her Head Like A Beyotch: Melina

*****

Match 8The Main Event
WWE Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Currently a one-man stable, Shawn Michaels is either the D or the X in DX. I guess he's whatever letter is the more Jesus-y. Oh, he must the X because there's a big X hanging from the set. The Showstopper came down to the ring to an adequate reception. Not unlike Elijah Burke, Shawn Michaels was adorned with a flashy red and white bolero. He has always worn that entrance attire, but I thought I should mention that WWE thinks wearing boleros is the new pogs. Michaels summoned the power of Christianity to spark a pyro sequence on the elaborate steel beams above.

Minutes later, we were treated to lengthy video of a Mustang convertible speeding around the streets of Detroit. No other vehicles are on the streets with the car. Who is special enough to block off traffic for several hours? Please, WWE. Let Shawn Stasiak be the driver of this here automobile. The car came to a sudden stop in front of Ford Field. Sadly, I knew right there it wasn't Shawn Stasiak. Please, WWE. Let Glacier be the driver of the Mustang.

The Mustang went into the rear or side entrance of Ford Field and kept on speeding. It made another stop. Is Jerry Flynn driving? Just when I couldn't stand the suspense, the car skidded and smashed through a Wrestlemania 23 pane of glass. Aw nuts. John Cena is driving. Get out of the way. That was the breakiest glass of them all.

As his music began, Cena shoved the door open and revealed himself. Driving badly is not a fantastic feat, John Cena. I do it every day, except I drive a scooter. He walked down the aisle to face Shawn Michaels, waiting in the ring. HBK is not impressed. Before the match was to begin, I saw a mysterious figure in the corner of the shot without pants on his lower body. "Is that you, Meng?" I asked the television before me. It turns out that the man in question was a streaker who was only down to his underwear. Referee Mike Chioda showed him what's what and took him out. Chioda speared and jackhammered him to spawn his new gimmick -- Chiodaberg.

Michaels started off slow with Cena, applying headlocks and knife-edge chops to the WWE Champion of All That Spins. Whenever Cena would try to hit Michaels, Shawn would duck and chop him to the mat. The Detroit crowd was similar to the Chicago crowd of Wrestlemania 22, with the adult males aged 18-34 booing him until they could not breathe and the females and children cheering as if he was an amalgamation of their dreams and desires. It was the exact response women and children would give a present-giving Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was also a good listener and enjoyed shopping for drapes on Sunday.

Cena and HBK wandered outside of the ring and brawled. Shawn replaced Hunter as the guy who allowed the audience to go "Yay!" whenever he punched Cena. Conversely, John was the "Boo!" provider. Michaels incapacitated Cena long enough to take to the air with a beautiful Asai moonsault from the ring apron to the announce table. The table did not break. They get the finest furniture for Wrestlemania, I tell you what.

Back inside of the ring, Michaels worked on Cena's leg. In real life, John Cena's leg was not injured, yet in scripted life, it was supposed to be. Michaels began to bleed after an accidental collision with the ringpost. John spent a decent amount of time acting like his leg was hurt until he forgot it was during the offensive rally. Apparently, John Cena's leg is Wolverine. It's only his leg, though. The rest of his body is... Gambit or something. Shawn tried to hit the Sweet Chin Music on Cena, but nailed the referee with it. This is an inconvenient but unavoidable event of human life.

John Cena tried to take Michaels out with the FU but Michaels countered with a DDT (FUDDT). One time, this girl tried to hug me. I did not feel the same way about her because one of her teeth was a tad crooked, so I countered her hug into an octopus stretch until she passed out. I know where you're coming from, Shawn. Counters rule. Shawn took Cena out of the ring and pushed aside the top section of the steel steps in order to piledrive Cena's noggin on the second set. Cena bled from the top of his head because when somebody lets you fall head first onto a hard surface, you are going to feel discomfort.

Upon their return to the ring, Michaels tried for Sweet Chin Music but Cena came back with a clothesline. John executed the FU and went for the pinfall. One, two, nope. Cena was not done and granted HBK admission into STFU (Stepover Toehold Facelock University) but Michaels escaped. I guess he's holding out for the University of California, Berkeley.

In one of the superb moments of the match, John Cena and the referee argued in the corner. Shawn Michaels casually walked up to his opponent. What happened? Superkick. All. Up. In. John. Cena's. Mouf. John Cena went down like two and a half bags of bricks or one wheelbarrow full of cinder blocks (I forgot the saying). Amazingly, Cena kicked out because his leg continues to be Wolverine. Damn his healing body parts. Damn them all to Kentucky. Cena came back with another STFU in the middle of the ring. This is very reminiscent of Wrestlemania 22. Shawn, with thinning hair all over his tired and aged face, squirmed for a while, then tapped out. Cena is still your champ. He gets the end-of-the-show fireworks display.

Triple H tapped out at Wrestlemania 22. Shawn Michaels tapped out at Wrestlemania 23. This can only mean one thing -- John Cena will face Chyna at Wrestlemania 24.


Winner and Still WWE Champion of All That Spins: Jon Seena

*****

Wrestlemania Lessons of 2007:
- Ladders break when you fall on them.
- Mr. Kennedy hates little people.
- Moolah and Mae Young will outlive us all.
- Giant hooks don't win you matches.
- The Undertaker is the most agile undertaker. Embalmers are almost as agile, but not quite.
- Matt Striker monkeyflips are cool.
- "Shake it off, Bobby! Come on, Bobby! Shake if off, Bobby!
- Umaga snazzy tights must mean he has a seamstress.
- Trumpacanranas are the new hurancanranas.
- Vince McMahon somewhat disapproves of his bald head.
- Watching Ashley wrestle is like witnessing a broom with a large mop at the end wrestle.
- Do not carpool with John Cena.
- Cena's leg regenerates into a healthy one about two minutes after aggravation.
- Shawn Michaels is good.
*****

Wrestlemania 24 Match Predictions
- Edge vs. Undertaker
- John Cena vs. Ken Kennedy
- The Never Before Seen Match: Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels

Squared Circle of Fortune - BLARGH

Can you solve this week's puzzuzzuzzle?

Note: Letters can be used again because this is the Squared Circle of Fortune, you Michael Cole.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Do you want it? Boom! Do you need it? Boom! Let me hear it! Ladies and gentleman and others, it's the Wrestlemania 23 Review -- Part Deux.

AND

While you're at, The Boogeyman, get me that falafel I requested.

Wrestlemania 23: One Too Many Bald Guys - Part 1

Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.

Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.

Did Vince McMahon get his head shaved bald? Was Money in the Bank money in the bank? Were a thousand WWE legends dancing for no reason? You will find out in this review.

Wrestlemania 23: All Grown Up
April 1, 3007 (April Fools... it's actually 2007. What a great prank. What laughs had by all.)
Live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America, North America, Earth, Universe
*****
Segment 1
Aretha Franklin Sings "America the Beautiful"
To celebrate the 20-year anniversary of Aretha Franklin's appearance at Wrestlemania 3, Aretha Franklin came back for reasons unbeknowst to me. If I had to guess, I think she's a big fan of The Great Khali. "That guy is Great and Khali. It's win-win," she said to nobody in conversation because I just made her line up on the spot. I'm going to be honest here and admit that Aretha doesn't look so good after 20 years, but then again, I bet I'll lose my looks over two decades too. Goodbye, old face. Hello, face transplant made of titanium.

As far as her performance went, I was impressed. I was doubtful before, but Aretha singing "America the Beautiful" finally proved to me that the United States is a wonderful country where some girl named Amber says farewell to grain and planes are made out of fruit. I teared up and such.

*****

Match 1
Money in Bank 3
Winner Receives A World Title Opportunity (Valid Up to Wrestlemania 24) and a Free Hat
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs.

Finlay vs. Booker T vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Ladderboy: Half human boy, half ladder (I don't want to know how he was conceived.)
The main objective of this match was to attain a black briefcase hanging high above the ring. The second objective of this match was to get hurt real bad off of high and unstable places. I've always believed six wrestlers was two too many for one match, but then WWE gives us eight. Trying to comprehend everything that was going on in this match was like trying to watch the three Matrix movies at once. "Alright. Okay. I think I get it. Wait, which one is Frodo?"

One wrestler executing his finisher on his fellow seven competitors was the soup of the day. Edge speared everybody, Randy Orton RKOed everybody, and Hornswoggle outawesomed everybody. Surprisingly, Booker T brought out Hornswoggle's ladder out from under the ring, but I didn't laugh. Why? One time, a tiny ladder used by a Finlayan leprechaun sexually harassed me. I don't want to talk about it.

The craziest spot of this match was Jeff Hardy jumping off a ginormous ladder and hitting Edge in the torso with the brute force of his butt. This butt fall broke the ladder in half. This butt fall put Edge on a stretcher. Too bad it wasn't a Money in the Bank Butt Fall Match, because Jeff Hardy would have a decent shot at a victory.

After Kennedy steamrolled Hornswoggle off of the Ladderest Stage of Them All, CM Punk tried to scale another ladder to gain the contract. It appeared as though he was going to succeed, but we were quickly reminded that he was from the ECW brand when Kennedy incapacitated Punk for days with an extreme ladder thrust to his gut. In the end, Kennedy got the case and screamed a whole bunch with excitement. Mr. Kennedy is Mr. Money in the Bank. Rob Van Dam is also Mr. Money in the Bank, but he's from ECW. He doesn't count.

Winner and Mr. Money in the Bank, Shawty What You Drank: Ken Kennedy
*****
Match 2
"You Don't Want It? Well, You Still Got It" Match
The Great Khali vs. Kane

On the road to Wrestlemania, the pattern for the Khali/Kane feud was the following: Khali wanted some competition, so he went to Smackdown and attacked Kane. In turn, Kane was mad at Khali for doing what he did, so he visited Raw to seek revenge. Khali and Kane engaged in light fistcuffs for several weeks on both shows until Kane appeared one evening with his See No Evil Hook. Khali was scared, so he grabbed his nearest weapon, The Longest Yard's Adam Sandler, and threw him at Kane. As Wrestlemania was fast approaching, Sandler took Kane's hook and made a Halloween costume out of it. "I'm Hook Back Man. I have a damn hook on my back. Give me some candy. Don't put the candy on the hook. I can't reach it back there."

With that said, the bout was not terrible. Jim Ross labeled Khali's offense as "bowling shoe ugly," but at least he was moving around the ring in a fairly agile manner (for a gigantic dude). I may be alone in this but Khali's brain chops were "bowling shoe beautiful" to me. Additionally, Khali's entire moveset improved to the point in which the constant raising of his arms in triumph was received with an enormous amounts of boos from the Detroit crowd. If he keeps that kind of performance up, expect him to raise a leg or possibly two next year in Orlando. I'm sure Kane can raise his legs as well, but can he raise his arms all great-like? Sure, he raises his arms during his ring entrance, but he does it just to set them back down again. That's not great. That's not even good.

Kane employed the hook to damage Khali in his downstairs region. In another memorable moment, Kane scoopslammed Khali to mark what I assume to be the attempted recreation of Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. One of the minimal problems with this try was that Kane is no Hulk Hogan, Khali is no Andre the Giant, and Khali has been lifted off of the ground before. I would have been more interested if Kane was dressed in red and yellow and Khali came down the aisle in a motorized wrestling ring cart. It still would have been bad, but my stupid mind would have deem it genius.

Khali eventually got the win with the Tree Slam. That move needs a better name. Maybe somebody out there can write a letter to WWE and ask them nicely to change the name because if I asked WWE, they'd just call it The Great Tree Slam, so I won't bother.

Winner and Raised Arms Stance Man:
The Great Khali

*****

Segment 2
Eugene and Cryme Tyme Dance Party

Somewhere in the backstagest area of them all, Chad and JTG (Jontel Tontavious Gorter) expressed sympathy for Eugene, whose hair was shaved off by Vince McMahon on a recent episode of Monday Night Raw. Usually, when a wrestler changes his appearance, his persona undergoes a transformation as well. Therefore, when Eugene got his head shaved, he did not change at all. In fact, his heel turn on Jim Duggan, which occurred several months ago, was completely forgotten, enabling him to return to his timeless act of inoffensive buffoonery.

To cheer Dinsmore up, Cryme Tyme presented Extreme Exposé. The girls' dance was of a sensual and alluring nature, not suitable for all audiences. Kelly Kelly, Layla, and Brooke are the greatest trio of girls doing the Pump Your Arms and Thrust Dance in the history of the world.

Suddenly, Moolah and Mae Young entered the shot and shook their elderly groove objects; Dusty Rhodes danced on-camera to funky his monkey; Irwin R. Schyster entered the fray to announce that the The Shopping Cart had become the first deductable dance move; Jimmy Hart followed IRS to fix his megaphone, which could only powered by freaky deaky beats and not 2 AA batteries; even Slick joined in to bring confusion to young viewers everywhere. "Who is that guy? Is that The Godfather?" asked 7-year-old wrestling fan Tristan Spencer Isringhausen somewhere in the 10th row. Google it and you'll know, Tristan. Wikipedia that too.

The group danced for eternity. They danced into the 24th century, with enough time to spare to read ten novels, catch their own fish from the ocean to debone, cook, and eat, and then return to the 21st century. Wrestling legend and dragon Ricky Steamboat appeared in his karate uniform (also known as the official jersey of the Asian Stereotypes baseball franchise) to bust several moves. I danced in celebration too, but I was dirty dancing. I was ashamed.

I can't wait until the wrestlers of today appear in future dance skits. For instance, my wish is for Chris Benoit to appear in these type of skits ten years from today as a WWE legend. I hope he remembers to bring a cardboard mat, a boombox, and his bad self.

*****

Match 3
WWE United States Championship Match
Chris Benoit (c) vs. MVP (Montel Vontavious Porter)

Cheerleaders with pom-poms are introducing MVP at Wrestlemania. One of them is Mikey from the Spirit Squad with a wig, no doubt. Say, I have hired female cheerleaders too, but it's for medical reasons. I won't be able to Bring It On or Bring It On Again without them.

This may have been one of the sleeper matches of the night. It could have been more excellent if it would have gone on for ten more minutes, but this was what we got. Those ten minutes were reserved for Wrestlemania commercials to remind of us of many important developments. Hey, Shawn Michaels is all grown up. John Cena is too. Young Torrie Wilson was a boy in a wig. It's a good thing she's also grown up now.

In this match, the back and forth moves and counters were great. Montel showed me that he can be a decent to efficient grappler. Benoit conveyed his love for multiple German suplexes. Montel showed that he is quite athletic and has a unique arsenal of kicks, suplexes, and slams. Benoit still loves those multiple German suplexes.

Benoit won out of the blue with a swan dive headbutt. While I am aware that a guy driving his head into your chest would hurt pretty fierce, Benoit could've executed it differently It is Wrestlemania, after all. He should've pulled a Brock Lesnar and did a flip. Watching Chris Benoit today is likr watching a hologram of Chris Benoit -- a ten second clip of multiple German suplexes looped over itself. Benoit was the U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 22 and his position on the card was no different at the 23rd edition. Maybe he is a hologram. If he's U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 24, he's both a hologram and a robot.

Winner and Toothlessly Agressive for the 5th Year in a Row: Cherman Suplexoit

*****

Segment 3
The Boogeyman, The Trumpeyman, and The Miss USAman

On the leatherest couch of them all, Donald Trump and Miss USA Tara Conner were chilling, relaxing, and chillaxing. Donald brought up Mr. McMahon, but was interrupted by The Boogeyman who emerged from the back of the couch. Tara Conner was scared, so she ran away because a damn drooling weirdo with face paint, missing teeth, and a large staff was about a foot away from her. In turn, Donald Trump was unaffected. "Hello, Rosie," Donald should have said in reply except he didn't because WWE is not as smart as I.

The Boogeyman and Trump started to talk about sandwiches. Donald asked Boogey to get him a sandwich. The Boogeyman suggested he should retrieve a worm sandwich. Donald agreed and shook his head in disgust. The Boogeyman never got him that sandwich. The absence of successful sandwich attainment made April 1st a sad day for professional wrestling.

*****

Match 4
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Underbatista
The champion entered first. It took Batista about 30 minutes to run from one end of the entrance set to the other. I didn't mind it because the set was amazing. Give me a bunch of screens and bright lights shining all up in there and I'm good. It would have been more splendid if someone fell off one of the pointed edges of the stage, either unintentionally or on purpose, but what can do you?

Undertaker's entrance was next. White light and smoke emanated from the back. It was reminiscent of Jericho's titantron in which light was coming out of his entire body, including his right thigh. Isn't it strange that the druids only show up with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? That's not very loyal of them. Sure, they bring torches and all, but that doesn't make up for 51 weeks of betrayal and neglect. Anyway, the druids chanted a song. I don't know what they were singing about. I bet they were singing that Beyoncé "To the Left, To The Left" song. Undertaker embodies that tune.

This bout was one of the most entertaining matches of the night. I was completely astonished myself as I thought it would have been somewhat of a trainwreck due to Batista's asthma and Undertaker's undeadness. It was a back and forth match with Batista dominating Undertaker for first few minutes. Undertaker got in some strikes in the corner in between those minutes. JBL and Cole praised Undertaker as "One of the greatest strikers in WWE." A wrestling zombie guy has an MMA arsenal? Alright, fine. Can I ask rhetorically where did he learn to fight like that?

The match continued outside of the ring when Undertaker leaped over the ropes and took Batista out like a dart. Flashbulbs went off everywhere. I took a picture even though I wasn't in Detroit. Regarding Undertaker's leap, I think Hogan could have done that, but only on a Tuesday They brawled outside of the squared circle for a while until Batista got the upper hand and put Taker through an announce table with an front powerslam. Where was the Spanish announce table? I'm sure it feels left out of this. I want to be at Wrestlemania 24 with a Canadian announce table. It will be made out of bacon and eskimos.

Back inside, Undertaker and Batista began a series consisiting of about a million near falls. "We have a new champion!" said Michael Cole, dead wrong ten out of ten times. "The streak is over!" screamed Cole, the opposite of right ten out of ten times once more. Do not ask Michael Cole for his opinion on anything. He will be wrong every time. If you went into a music store, and Michael Cole was an employee at the store and had his own shelf of recommendations, every CD in his section would be Milli Vanilli. "These guys have longevity, sing their own songs, and will never be outed as frauds," he'd say.

Batista nailed the Batista Bomb, but Taker kicked out. He is immortal after all. Taker came back with a Tombstone and it was all over like rover. The fans were ecstatic; Undertaker was tired, but jubilated; Batista was sad; the druids were doing The Crip Walk in celebration backstage; I was content. Taker's Wrestlemania streak is now 15-0 and he's the new holder of the big gold belt.

The Winner and New Undead Zombie Dead Guy Thing and Stuff Champion: Undertaker

[TO BE CONTINUED]

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 14th

WWE Women's Title Match
Melina vs. Avril Lavigne

She’s like "I don't think so."
Then I'm like "Yeah, I think so."
We should be like "Yuh-huh to your nuh-huh."
And that’s what we should be singing about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
Look at me I am so punk!
No way! No way!
I don't think you're punkier!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your champion!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
On this farm there is a punk!
No way! No way!
Here's a punk, there's a punk!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
Everywhere a punk, punk!

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Swerved will be back in 2 weeks with a review of Wrestlemania 23: Rich People are Arguing

AND

I bet you a dollar that I have a dollar. I win.

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]

As some of the readers of The Swerved may already know, a good friend of the blog has decided to call it a day. Jimbo, the creator of Slackers Against Communism and former writer of The Armpit, is off to new endeavours in life, leaving the glamourous world of internet wrestling analysis for pastures that are surely greener than green.

I didn't know much about Jimbo when I first came aboard to write The Armpit about a year and a half ago. I had always enjoyed reading his articles from the first day I stumbled upon the site, but for some reason, I did not interact with him through e-mail until much, much, much later. When we finally did talk, it was no surprise to me that while we came from different worlds, we had many things in common.

Most of all, we shared a similar sense of humour. For a lot of my life on this here planet, I found it very difficult to connect with people who could or did not understand my personality. For every individual I could relate to, there was at least a million other people I shared nothing in common with except the air that we breathed. I never blamed those people for their lack of understanding, but I thought it was weird that not everyone believed dressing a potato up with a fake handlebar mustache and a cheesecloth to resemble the Iron Sheik was funny. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was for me to find another human being in Internetville whose mindset was equally absurd and ridiculous. While it is very unfortunate that Jimbo is hanging up his pen/keyboard, Mama says, "It just be's that way... sometimes."

Now, I'm the only one left from The Armpit Clan. It's bad news for most and good news for about three people, but nevertheless, I will do my best to bring you the same great Swervian masterpieces you have come to know, like, fondle, love, and leave. I cannot fill the void left by The Wrestling Professor and Jimbo, but with your help, I hope to bring The Swerved to newer, greater, and funnier heights. Writing has given me the appropriate outlet to put my true, crazy self out there. For many years, it has been my salvation from a world of hardships and heartbreak. Until I write the next great book, movie, and or television show, I will continue to spend my time entertaining you, the reader, for as long as you'll have me.

Here's to Jimbo. Good luck with everything and I hope you find what you're looking for.

-Stephen

*****

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]
6) The Money in the Bank briefcase is one the most coveted briefcases I have ever laid my eyes upon in professional wrestling history. Of course, the briefcase contains a contract that will grant the winner of the ladder match a world title shot for events up to and including Wrestlemania 24. Pretend the briefcase contains something which you cherish quite greatly. Now, what is the item and why do seven other guys also wish to attain it?

J: The only thing I really cherish, I guess, would be this big box of old letters and notes and ticket stubs and other sentimental stuff. I'm not really sure why seven other guys would be willing to risk paralysis for it, unless they were somehow able to time travel and cash in my Arena Football tickets from 2002 when they were still redeemable.

S: Arena Football is cool because it's like regular football, but for athletes that prefer to be confined in a boxed-in rectangle sponsored by Vagisil and Papa Murphy's Pizza. When a quarterback makes a successful pass, the receiver will run, but his path will be limited. He may think, "Hey, cool. I can run anywhere I want to," but will be greatly mistaken. When he reaches the sidelines, he'll say, "Ow. That's a wall." Better than the NFL, I tells you.

7) On April 1, Batista could very well end Undertaker's 14-0 Wrestlemania winning streak. In turn, Undertaker could very well make his Royal Rumble 2007 victory count by defeating Batista and capturing his first big gold belt (World Heavyweight Championship). The atmosphere will be as electric as electricity. In total, how many Chokeslams, Tombstones, Spinebusters, and Batista Bombs will be seen in this bout?

J: I think the more important question is "Yeah, but will there be any exploding caskets?"

S: If wrestling has taught me anything in life (which it certainly has), it's that the quality of caskets increases based on their capability to explode. While I do not believe the Undertaker nor the Underbatista will employ an exploding casket in the match, one may be seen after the bout. I suspect that once the Undertaker captures the World Heavyweight Championship, his celebration will consist of chokeslamming Batista into the casket, closing the casket lid on Batista, then exploding the casket holding Batista inside. Taker will then drop to one knee and say, "Rest in pieces." At the same time, he'll be holding Batista's limbs in one hand and a box of Reese's Pieces in the other. Vince McMahon is right -- Wrestlemania is the punniest stage of them all.

8) If you could book a Wrestlemania match with current members of any of the three WWE rosters, who would be involved and why?

J: I'd like to see Shelton Benjamin and Triple H go forty plus for the World title at WrestleMania 24.

S: While I feel that would be a great match, I can't imagine that happening now due his Shelton Benjamin's drastic fall into nothingness. He used to be the on the cusp of the main event scene, but was was gradually relegated to Incontinental Champion of all Eternity Over Carlito. Now, he occupies a spot as a Heat regular with his sidekick Hobo Higgins. It's sad that The World's Greatest Tag Team is not so great after all since Benjamin and Haas can't even win the World Tag Team Titles. They should change their name to The World's Pretty Good, Sort of Alright Tag Team because if they don't, that's false advertising.

My dream Wrestlemania match was Shawn Michaels versus Eddie Guerrero, but due to circumstances out of everyone's control, that wish will never be granted. Other than that, there's not really anything I would clamour to see, except Chris Benoit versus The Undertaker or Johnny Nitro versus Rob Van Dam since they would be fresh feuds and matches. It amazes me that WWE has an enormous roster of talent, yet they end up doing the same matches over and over again.

9) The grandeur of Wrestlemania is what interests the majority of casual fans. In the vain of Shawn Michaels making his Wrestlemania XII entrance via zipline, what grandoise visual do you expect or wish to see at the event?

J: Well, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that this year. I really hope they don't go all out ridiculous with the entrances like last year. Rey Mysterio as an Indian? That doesn't make sense on like, a whole lot of levels.

S: Sorry if I come off rude, but you're wrong. You are double wrong with wrongful sprinkles topped with a red cherry of wrongness inside a collectible ice cream dish of wronginity. Rey Mysterio did not have an Indian headress on, but was wearing an Aztecan headdress and decorative poncho. Aztecs were inhabitants of Central Mexico, whose civilization thrived in the 16th century. Furthermore, the band P.O.D., who performed Mysterio's theme song at Wrestlemina, were Aztecan leaders sent from the past to the distribute the message of Booyaka in the modern day. Booyaka all over your face.

10) Finally, the WWE Hall of Fame 2007 Inductee List if off to a great start. So far, "The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig", and Jerry "The King" Lawler have been great picks. Let's say you have a choice to induct three members from any organization to this prestigious, nonphysical entity that is WWE's Hall of Fame. Who are they? (For example, my first pick would be WCW's Alex Wright, just so I could witness him accept his award by doing that dance of his the entire duration he is at the podium.)

J: First and foremost, Paul Heyman, for giving us the most "extreme" gift of all. From there on out, I'd just pick random luchadores from WCW circa 1996. I'd pay good money to see Silver King induct Super Calo, wouldn't you?

S: I would accept Super Calo into the WWE Hall of Fame, if only Duper Salo inducted him. If you aren't familiar with Duper Salo, he's a luchadore whose mask consists of a hat sewn onto his head, similar to Super Calo who has sunglasses sewn right into his mask. That's dang genius right there.

It's funny that you mention Super Calo because I met him once. It was an amazing experience. Here's how it went:

Dramatization

Date: September 1997
Location: The Nitro Grill
Stephen: Hey, Super Calo. Are those your sunglasses on that counter over there?
Super Calo: Nope. They are always here on my mask. They never leave my mask.
Stephen: That's super, Calo. Maybe I should sew contact lenses onto my eyes.
Super Calo: Okay, you do that...

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 13th

Bobby Lashley w/ Donald Trump vs. Magilla Gorilla w/ Vince McMahon (Special Guest Referee: Stone Cold Steve Austin)

WWE got a Bobby Lashley for sale
Bobby Lashley for sale
Won't you buy him
Pay-Per-View to try him
Bobby Lashley for sale

See on the TV, it's Bobby Lashley
Has positive qualities I know
Big, muscly, strong, and big
And Trump loves him also

Don't you want a little Lashley you can cheer on to win?
A Lashley who hates enhancing drugs and medicines?

How much is that Bobby Lashley on the TV?

Take our advice, in any way
A Lashley like Bobby is here to stay
It's Lashley
Bobby Lashley for saaaaaaaale

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

It's my farewell to Jimbo with part 2 of The Interviewerved.

AND

I use The Great Khali as a ladder in order to see planet Earth from outer space.

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

On a dark and stormy September evening in the year 2005, I heard a violent knock at the door. Adorned in my Undertaker pajamas, complete with urn footsies, I left my comfy leather couch and stumbled towards the noise. As the seconds passed, the knock grew louder until the sound beat as hard as the raindrops on the city streets that night. With great hesitance, I peered through the tiny peephole and noticed a dark figure shivering and shuffling on the welcome mat in front of the shrouded entrance of my home.

"Can I help you?" I asked, gently placing my hand over the pristine golden doorknob.

There was no response. I jogged to the nearest window in an attempt to gain a better view of the mysterious being, but all I that I could see was a vague shape of a suffering human with nowhere to go.

"Who's there?" I said, slowly stepping back to the foyer in a Undertakian manner.

"Open up. It's Jimbo."

The man's voice startled me greatly. After his reply, I don't know how I did it, but I guessed that fellow Armpit Wrestling writer was standing at my door. The tone in which he spoke was comforting, yet truly peculiar. I have never heard him speak before. Based on his popular wrestling columns, I assumed his verbal speech consisted of loud, brief, piercing taps emanating from an old computer keyboard.
I swiftly opened the door to welcome my professional tussling cohort into my creative abode of wonder and merriment, yet he just stood there in his damp attire with a look of disdain on his tired, masked face.

"What's the matter?" I said.

Suddenly, Jimbo revealed a ring bell from behind his back. Just as he was about to strike my temple with the bell, I ducked under his swinging arms and called down a lightning strike from the heavens above. The bolts pierced through the clouds and shattered the concrete ground and soil out from under our feet. Jimbo threw down the bell in frustration and scurried away from the scene, hopping over mounds of ruined walkway and grassy rocks.

As I stood at my doorway with my eyes rolled all the way back into my head, Jimbo stood tall in the distance. He raised his arms and set them quickly sent them right back down. Bursts of fire were brought forth from the four ring posts strategically placed in my neighbourhood to form a squared circle shape.

From that day forward, Jimbo was my rival. One day, I vowed to face him at Wrestlemania. Until that time comes, I will place upon him the biggest shame of all -- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Jimbo is the next subject of The Interviewered.

*****

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

Jimbo: Statistics
- Writer and owner of Slackers Against Communism at www.slackersagainstcommunism.blogspot.com
- Portrayed the fifth rung of the second ladder utilized in the TLC Tag Team Title Match between The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz, and The Edge & Christian
Boyz at Wrestlemania X-Seven
- If we do not meet at Wrestlemania 23, I fully expect face him at Wrestlemania 24. Our feud will consist of him putting chocolate in my peanut butter, while I return the favour by cutting his vehicle's chocolate-coloured brakes... with peanut
butter.
- Wrestlemania Finishing Move: Hangman's Noose Eyepoke

10 Questions

1) Wrestlemania 23 will come to us live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan. I predict the Wrestlemania 23 entrance set will have something to do with cars, The Detroit Tigers and or Pistons, and Eminem. Quite possibly, giant statues will be erected of Eminem wrestling a tiger and or piston inside of a Ford Mustang convertible. If you could design the Wrestlemania 23 stage with no spending limitation, what would it consist of?

J: When I think of Detroit, I think of a lot of things, but mainly RoboCop. The WWE would be so blowing it this year if they didn't utilize a RoboCop theme, just like at my junior prom. I went as that guy that plays Red on That 70s Show and my date went as an ED-209 and it was magical.

S: RoboCop is so romantical. No wonder why they used a Robocop motif for your junior prom. I bet your date was part human, part machine, but all woman.

On the other hand, I never had a junior prom. One year, for the first time in my high school's history, they were about to have a junior prom but it never happened. You see, I was the head of the Prom Committee that year, so obviously, I chose a N-N-N-New World Order theme. All lovely prom couples would be dancing on the gym floor to the lovely nWo theme until I would appear from the rafters wearing face paint with a baseball bat in hand. As I cleaned house on all prom goers in the gym, I would be left alone with my date, who would be dressed as Fake Sting. As we approached each other, about to fight it out to determine the superior Sting, I would embrace her and whisper in her ear, "You may be fake, but your love is real to me." End credits somewhere would roll as we engaged in Sting-on-Sting action.

As it turned out, I was never allowed to attend that particular high school ever again.

2) Because Ashley achieved every young girl's dream of getting naked for profit and publicity, she gets to face Melina for the WWE Women's Championship, instead of Mickie James, who got naked for profit before, but does not get naked for profit nor publicity now. Therefore, Mickie James will not be included in the title match. On the grandest stage of them all, it's time for Ashley Massaro to show off her wrestling prowess. What moves are you looking forward to seeing from the Playboy covergirl?

J: Ah, fantastic. Two blondes with no discernible talent stealing precious airtime that could be going towards a La Parka promo. Fact of the matter is, I just don't give much of a hoot about either of them. I'm only attracted to Eastern European ballerina-figure skater-types so the proposition of watching Melina and Ashley screw up spots isn't too appetizing. That being said, I'd love to see Ashley try one of those Steve Williams back body drop drivers, though.

S: Excuse me, kind lad, but Ashley has perfected the second rope elbow drop. It is the most devastating finisher I have ever seen. No great wrestler has employed such an elbow drop before. It has never even been attempted before for fear of grave injury or death. Therefore, three cheers for Ashley for being so brave and athletic. Let's all feast our eyes on an innovator, a pioneer, and a natural wonder.

3) Umaga represents Vince McMahon while Bobby Lashley represents Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionairies Match, in which one of them will most
definitely become a Baldinaire. I've likened Donald Trump's hairdo to a thin piece of shredded wheat; I've compared Vince McMahon's hair to that of a sloth who has endured much stress and suffering in his life. When the world ends, would you prefer to have an abundance of shredded wheat, or a cornicopia of sloths?

J: Definitely the shredded wheat. Where else am I going to get my necessary dietary fiber and whole grains? From the government? I think not.

S: Stop badmouthing the government. I'm sure they could put on an event as good or even better than Wrestlemania. In fact, I hear rumours that Publi, the Republican Elephant, has chosen First Lady Laura Bush as his representative to wrestle Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton, the representative of Badonkadonkey, The Democratic Donkey, in a Loser Stops Being Produced in Animal Cracker Form Match.

Plus, I hear the government gives people cheese. Now, I may not be a nutritionist or a food-making person, but I believe if you let cheese sit out in the sun for a long period of time, it eventually becomes shredded wheat. Take that, Jimbo. Take it like a free gift.

4) Speaking of shredded wheat and or sloths, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the special guest referee in the Battle of the Billionaires Match. I assume he will be appearing at Wrestlemania 23 to promote his new film entitled The Condemned, the latest picture to be released by WWE Films. In comparison to The Marine starring John Cena, which movie will have the most explosions?

J: By default, The Condemned wins. Its protagonist is a guy that drinks Steve-weisers and hugs his boss and the villain is that dude that played the Juggernaut. That's the kind of movie that you sneak liquor into. I expect the film to have more explosions than dialogue. By contrast, The Marine has zero explosions because it was a dud. And yes, that's the wittiest thing I'll say in this interview.

S: If The Condemned movie screenings of the future encourage liquor smuggling, what did the screenings for The Marine encourage when it was out in theatres? If you wish to ask me, when I saw The Marine for the seventh time in the same day, I brought in a big bottle of Hawaiian punch, but there was no need to smuggle it; I just proudly drank that punch for the entire duration of the movie. The only time I didn't drink punch was when John Triton said "They've taken a hostage... it's my wife." After he said that, I switched to drinking Welch's grape juice. I thought it would be disrespectful to drink such a vibrantly coloured drink at such a solemn time, so I went for the refreshment that would convey the most sadness and despair.

5) Triple H is sidelined with a quadricep tear, which will prevent him from competing at Wrestlemania. Even with his injury, do you think Triple H will show up in Detroit? If so, how will he show up and what shenanigans will he commit?

J: I'm not quite sure, but if he doesn't show up wearing that barbarian outfit again, I'll be sorely disappointed.

S: He has always worn that barbarian outfit in my mind. He will never be without that barbarian outfit in my heart for he is the best human being in the world with such an outfit on his person. Do you remember in the olden days when barbarians would walk around town holding a bottled Evian in case they were parched? I don't, but it sounds fun.

Wrestling in Video Games Also

Starfox and WWE

*****

NEXT WEEK

An Interviewerved Wrestlemania Preview? You must be in heaven or a Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial.

AND

I was just drinking Haterade because it was on sale. Plus, it's orange -- my favourite flavour. Get off my back.

Wrestling Society X: Xpisode 4

As a world famous analyst of professional grappling and professional grappling accessories, watching and observing a single company can get a tad tiresome. Surely, World Wrestling Entertainment was, is, and will forever be a sports entertainment juggernaut, but I can only take so many Diva Dance-offs before my brain implodes within my skull. "So, are you going to do that amazing arm pump and butt thrust dance, or are you going to shock the world by standing there and swaying back and forth in a seductive fashion?"

Other wrestling critics may claim TNA is the ultimate alternative for it provides fast-paced action and a younger and hungrier roster than WWE, yet I somewhat have to disagree. For every Christy Hemme versus Rotund Male Dancer mat classic I encounter, the company always mucks up my contentment with filler storylines and matches featuring performers such as Sparkly Coat Guy with Dollar Sign on Trunks Who's Unhappy with Everything, Pirate Cowboy Seeking Revenge on Drunk Cowboy, Old Facepaint Man Instilling Jesus in Kanekind Doppleganger, and Uncontrollable Brawl #1,756,486 between Balding Veiny Person and Jiggly Islander. Additionally, when I sit down in my comfy couch to watch some wrestling with a big bag of whatever commoners eat (quite possibly, these ilk consume some sort of gruel made up of Nutella and Cheetos,) I want to be able to enjoy my viewing experience in a span of more than two and a half minutes, except I can't do it since two and a half minutes is the average duration of three Impact main events.

Today, I look to Wrestling Society X to bring something new and different to the wrestling table not limited to explosions, electricutions, exploding explosions, electrical electricutions, exploding electricity, and electrical explosions. Most recently, WSX was on the brink of leaving the table altogether forever, but thankfully MTV changed their mind. To show my gratitude to Music Television, I'm changing my birthday plans. For my Super Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party, I don't want a diamond encrusted Mercendes Benz anymore. Instead, I want to pool those funds together to attain a ruby encrusted Mercendes Benz, then give MTV a $5 gift certificate to Arby's for their good nature and understanding.

A few days ago, I took some time out of my busy schedule of being super stupendous at everything to take a look at Episode 4 of Wrestling Society X. Sometimes, I like to take notes of the shows I am watching for future reference. I would not call them observations for that term is too simple, so let's call them Textual Snapshots of the Life Beautiful. Here they are:

1. Wrestling Society X Intro Begins
- Why am I flying through an abandoned Costco in this introduction?
- Whoa! Did you see that?!
- What a clothesline that was!
- Members of The Society, please welcome Clipse!

2. Clipse
- They're performing in front of the most cleanest, most well-dressed, most non-ugliest wrestling fans I have ever laid my eyes upon. If I didn't know any better, I would suspect their legitimacy.
- From what I can decipher from the song, Clipse is singing about ice cream and probably PVC pipes. If you don't like PVC pipes, you are a player hater.

3. Brent Ernst and Kris Kloss Tell Me Things
- Kris Kloss is sporting a mop top -- the unique trademark of every other young hipster living on this earthly soil. Kudos to him.

4. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams
- His running and screaming have caused explosions. I'm making like wood cause I'm fairly petrified right now.

5. Matt Sydal w/ Lizzy Valentine Entrance
- If you squint your eyes hard enough, Matt Sydal looks like Alex Shelley. Surprisingly, if you squint your eyes hard enough once more, Lizzy Valentine looks like an image of Jesus Christ burnt onto a bean burrito. I'm impressed.

6. Scorpio Sky Entrance
- Scorpio Sky is carrying his high school awards to the ring to convey that out of all of the things high school has taught him, how to carry plaques with both hands was the most important lesson.

7. Match 1: Matt Sydal versus Scorpio Sky
- Scorpio Sky learned that hurricana in home economics class, no doubt.
- What was the point of Sydal executing a backflip before landing on his feet, only to drop a leg down on Sky's throat soon after? Maybe I should parachute from a plane and float onto a tire fire in order to cook marshmallows on a twig. It would make just as much sense.
- Sydal and Valentine dancing backwards in unison = I'm in love. The visual has stolen my heart and knocked up my world.
- Scorpio Sky learned that somersault plancha in social studies. So did I, Scorpio.
- The frontward moonsault is Matt Sydal's most effective frontward maneuvre. The second is his ability to walk.
- Valentine writes 'H8R' on Sky's back in lipstick. I guess Scorpio doesn't like PVC pipes.

8. Jack Evans Meets A Fan (In The Back Alley of Costco)
- Jack Evans has to bounce.
- Jack Evans has DVDs and the fan knows this.
- The fan also has DVDs.
- The fan's name is Marcus Riot. Maybe I should introduce him to my friend -- Montgomery Arson.
- Man, oh, man. I think they're saying man too much, woman.
- Marcus Riot gets kicked in his DVDs.

9. Ruckus Is Looking For His Gangsta Ladder
- Aw snap, crackle, pop, son. Ruckus is given a ladder with gleaming bling. Thank you, Slymm. Shine on, non-existent diamonds.
- How do you exactly "Keep It Gangsta?" Is there some sort of gym you have to attend on a weekly basis?

10. That 70's Team Entrance
- Disco Machine is wearing the same mask John Travolta wore in that great movie about the presence of a fever on Saturday night. For you movie buffs out there, if you guessed "Battlefield Earth", you are right.

11. Match 2: That 70's Team versus K.I.G. (Keepin' It Gangsta)
- Joey Ryan rubs oil on himself, then Disco Machine rubs nothing on himself to criticize the rising oil prices in the modern world.
- Apparently, "Keepin' It Gangsta" means to pull down somebody's tights and slap them on the behind. I guess I haven't Kept It Gangsta for a long while.
- Discoball to Ryan's discoballs.
- Somersault kick from the bling ladder! Wait, that kick from the bling ladder is the Quizno's Slamwich of the Match? That is definitely gangsta. Eat it Subway. Eat it fresh. You are not gangsta by any means.

12. "The Anarchist" Arik Cannon Promo
- He's beating up his friend and bragging about beating up his friend. Is that what friends are for?
- He's warning television viewers of his actions to come next week.
- What a terrible friend one has in Arik Cannon. He didn't even specify when he would be appearing next week. Thumbs down to The Anarchist. From now on, I will refer to him as "My Aunt Chris", who I dislike with a passion for reasons I won't reveal to the public.

13. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams Some More
- The following match is set for... unbuttoned t-shirt.
- The Ring Announcer runs and screams some more.

14. El Hombre Blanco Enmascarado Ring Introduction
- If El Hombre hails from "Just North of the Border", why is he wearing a mask? Is he ashamed that he is not directly from the border?

15. The Human Tornado Entrance
- P-I-M-P. The Human Tornado has been laid out in the back by the constant spinning of the ring announcer. The announcer was trying to mimic the movement of an actual tornado to gather various trucks and farm animals into his deadly wind funnel, along with The Human Tornado himself. He could've been emulating Mary Tyler Moore too.

16. 6-Pac Enters The Ring
- Sean Waltman wants a piece of WSX Champion Vampiro. Alright, calm down, Pac. I'll get Justin Credible and Albert on the phone.

17. Vampiro Appears and Enters The Ring
- One fan is quite shocked by Vampiro's appearance. He's asking himself, "Did we go back in time? Is this WCW Thunder? Did I miss the party at the Nitro Grill? When is Prince Iaukea coming out to face Lodi?"

18. The Confrontation
- Scarred monster appears out of nowhere and attacks Vampiro before he can get to 6-Pac.
- Vampiro gets hit with nothing much really. For some reason, MTV's version of a fireball consists of a post-production effect somewhat reminiscent of invisible confetti. You've pimped my mind, MTV. Well played. I was going to give you a cookie, but you're a television network. Therefore, I plan to eat the cookie at my next Eating Cookies Society X meeting.

The Verdict: Big kiss, little hug, big hug, little kiss, big kiss, little hug, big kiss to Wrestling Society X

Wrestling in Video Games

Wrestling in Video Games: Mario and The Warp

*****

NEXT WEEK

Oh, wouldn't you like to know, you son of a mother...

AND

I am the new coverboy for Time Magazine. Yes, it's a full-spread pictorial. I show my wrists and everything.

The Odds and The Ends

Like the Walt Disney Company, I keep all of my classic works in a vault, only to present them back to the public when I want to make a whole lot of scratch. The articles I somehow do not finish also end up in the vault; I expect them to finish themselves by association of completed works.

I know there are those who want to see these incomplete pieces in their true from, but I am hesitant to unveil them to fans for I know my audience will greatly criticize and tear them apart, somewhat due to their briefness. You see, my articles are like my children... and these unfinished articles are the children I mistakenly left at the mall. I need to protect them.

This week, I am only releasing these half-works to the masses so they may gain the morsels of attention and love they rightfully deserve. Are the following articles not complete? Yes. Will they have an ending? No. Will I make up an ending on the spot? Probably not, but that should not stop you from indulging in the remnants of what was to-be.

*****

Pay-Per-View Naming Bonanza
I am a huge fan of Pay-Per-Views. If anything, I deem them as The Events Where Wrestlers Try. When you watch RAW or Smackdown or ECW, the matches will usually be decent but not particularly great. On the other hand, when you view a Pay-Per-View, the match quality is often through the roof. I recall a time when Stevie Richards faced Tyson Tomko and the viewing audience paid forty bucks for it. After the match, the world was a much better and beautiful place.

What would happen if WWE Pay-Per-Views underwent a massive reconstruction? Let's find out through partial discovery.

Royal Rumble -> Royal Rubble
The rumble will be changed a the 30-man over-the-top-rope battle royal to a solemn time to remember the remarkable individual known as Barney Rubble, who recently passed away to the ink shortage of 1965, which left traditional animators no choice but to discontinue drawing him. The winner of this moment of silence will be given the Rubble name and find out deep family secrets that Fred Flinstone's best friend refused to mention; one those secrets was that Bam Bam Rubble became a strong young lad due consumption of copious amounts of steroids (Betty hid in his strained peas). Pebbles told him to stop, but he desperately wanted to keep his spot as the main event baby in the Rubble household.

The winner of this prayer will eat Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles at Wrestlemania.

Backlash -> Come On: Triple H Is Not That Bad Of A Guy
Traditionally, Backlash is the forgotten Pay-Per-View or our days, chock-full of Wrestlemania rematches and forgettable angles, but not anymore.

The new Backlash entrance set will consist of massive sculptures of Hunter Hearst Helmsley performing altruistic deeds for others. On the left side of the entrance, he will be captured gently petting a puppy while adorned with a fancy cardigan. On the right side, he will be preparing a pancake breakfast with syrup smiles for the homeless.

The theme song to this event will be a little ditty entitled "Why Can't We Be Friends?" performed by Triple H himself... on the triangle.

Vengeance -> Vince McMahon Is In Love With You
The entire makings of the set will be blown up pictures of Vince staring at the viewer, doe-eyed and lovestruck. In various scenes plastered over the Titantron screens, he will present the viewers with a box of chocolate and a Hallmark card featuring a picture of a rose on it. Quite possibly, he will wear a heart-shaped costume and serenade millions of fickle wrestling fans with passionate ballads from under their wrestling fan balcony. Furthermore, the WWE crew will make the following possible: pyro will emerge from his grapefruits, made of solid steel and positioned at the front of the set, every time a spectator mentions his name.

Survivor Series -> Yarvivor Series
In all Survivor Series elimination matches, all competitors must be dressed either as a pirate and or own a parrot. In the event that they cannot fulfill these duties, they will be sent back down to Ohio Pirate Wrestling to further learn about and improve on their craft.

Other rejected names for this event included Scurvy Series and Survivor Seaweed (underwater theme with the WWE ring half-submerged in saltwater).

The Great American Bash -> Uncensored
This new incarnation consists of one of WCW's most American-y events transformed into the one Pay-Per-View nobody liked. You see, I loved Bash at the Beach because, hey, there's a beach chair and sand indoors. Also, I adored Spring Stampede since I often envisioned Ric Flair walking past the barnyard set-up, looking at a cow, then going "MOOOOOOO!"

Uncensored was a different story. As far as the set for the event was concerned, it was the most unimaginative entrance I have ever seen:

Friend: "Well, that Uncensored logo is pretty good. It's like the logo was made by a man who only knew how to write letters in ransom note form."
Me: "Pass."

How will I improve Uncensored? Well, how about dressing up the entranceway with something every man, woman, and child can love? Yeah, I'm talking about puffy stickers with googly eyes.

*****
When Carlito debuted for World Wrestling Entertainment, he hit the ground running (and sprinting). He defeated John Cena to capture the United States Championship in his debut match. He shocked the Smackdown crowd stole Cena's padlock chain as a souvenir for his momumental victory.

His arrival to RAW was similarly impactful, winning the Intercontintenal Championship from Good Ol' Shelty himself Shelton Benjamin. Not only were his title victories remarkable, but the way in which he attained the straps was significant as well. Back then, Carlito was the man without a finishing move, unless you counted the roll-up as a finisher. He didn't do much in the ring, except run ropes really slowly and spitefully spit apple chunks in people's faces as if apples murdered his entire family, yet that was the greatness of heel Carlito. He managed to do a lot through doing very little.

Today, his newfound, on-air relationship with wrestling legend Ric Flair leaves a lot of interesting questions left to be answered. Will this friendship lead to the return of an entertaining character who once had Caribbean Cool in his name, or is he stuck in a vicious cycle of having unncessary romantic storylines with divas who have little purpose on television as flips a bunch of times in the air to execute a knee drop?

Whatever may come of one Carlito, this is my tribute to the man he once was and one day could be again. What better way to learn how to be cool than learn from the master himself? Online courses from DeVry would not suffice this time. This was (the start) of my solution:

My Trip to Carlito Caribbean School
As a well respected and sexually attractive reporter constantly asked to be involved in eight-and-a-half-ways (it's complicated, but to simplify, an eight-and-a-half-way means that one member of the group has a chosen half of their body perched out of a window while the deed is taking place), I have had the privilege of traveling to a lot of unique places. Visiting such exotic locales as Outside and Somewhere Over There allowed me to meet some interesting people in the world of sports entertainment. So, when I heard Carlito Caribbean Cool was opening a School For The Cool, I knew I had to get the scoop. What better way to gain knowledge about this intriguing endeavor than to experience it for myself?

With pen, pad, and luggage in hand, I took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico to attend a three-day course. Let me just say it was a time I will never forget. I met newfound friends and acquaintances, basked in the beautiful scenery, and learned a life lesson in how to be cool as well what to do when your surroundings are not so cool. Although it was a pricey course which cost me half of my belongings, I now have more space at home for things of or relating to coolness.

The following is a brief rundown of the activities I engaged in during that time:

Name Selection
I was named Churro Colombian Coffee. I did not understand why he chose that moniker for me until I saw that another student was eating Mexican food and another was wearing a poncho while standing next to a donkey in front of a mountain. That's when I knew that Carlito, or Sir Cool as he wished to be called, was a very observant individual.

I must admit that I felt uneasy about the name. Since Carlito was from the Caribbean, he naturally chose to include the location in his name. What puzzled me about my name was that I was going to be billed as Colombian, even though I am nothing of the sort.

"I am appreciative of this gesture, Sir, but don't you believe I should be my true self?" I asked.

"What are you?" Carlito said.

"I was born in Canada, but my family are originally Smurfs," I proudly said.

Carlito stood there and literally burned a hole right through me with his crazy eyes. I don't know what he was about to say, but the carefree way his afro was moving in the wind was greatly ominous. Everyone in class believed something bad was going to go down, but thankfully, I was spared. It turned out that he just didn't like the cut of my jib.

Carlito swiftly left the room. I don't know whether it was the Puerto Rican weather that was getting to him, or if he felt uncomfortable around someone of cyan descent, but he could not bare another moment with me. If it was the latter, I can tell you that's not the first time I have experienced desmurfination.

Grade: Smurf+

Correct Apple Biting And Spitting Techniques
When I finally got to the table to pick out my fruit of choice, one of the only ones left was a pineapple, so I had to take it since Carlito had dibs on apples and the overall Golden Delicious market. You know how hard biting into a pineapple is? It's like eating Cap'n Crunch, but instead of cereal, it's razorblades. The other fruit was a banana, but I politely passed on that one. Say, have you ever seen somebody eat a banana before? It's kind of difficult to watch. You see, if a woman eats a banana, the act can be borderline erotic. For your information, I find those kind of ladies intriguing and spectacular. Whenever there's a survey or quiz about male attraction to the opposite sex, I always try to work in that visual. Generally, I'm told that the traits men find most appealing in women are their eyes, followed by how impressive their model train set is, followed by their fondness for potassium. Now, I'm asking the same thing you're asking -- why is fondness for potassium rated so low?

Grade: A for A Fort (I might have misheard my grade, so it might actually be "A for Effort". With that said, I'll ignore it since there's no way you can live inside of structure made of "earnest and conscientious activity intended for accomplishment". You can't play Elegant Tea Party in there either.)

Afro Management
After numerous queries about hair maintenance from all students, Carlito put his apple down and walked over to his desk. He then picked up the apple, looked at it, took a bite, then set the apple back down gently. He chewed and chewed for what seemed like hours, yet didn't spit the apple in any of our faces. Well we were eternally grateful for that, he strangely kept on chewing and didn't want to swallow it. It turns out he doesn't have a digestive system. Do not tell a soul, but he is ashamed to admit his digestive fault.

Fed up with the delay, I raised my hand and finally got down to the one thing I really wanted to know. Sir Cool seemed startled, but I did not back down.

"Is that an authentic afro?" I asked.

He paused, ever so slightly, and spoke with the apple still in his mouth. I think, that on a rare, lonely, summer night, Carlito Caribbean Cool wishes that he had a digestive system. Then, he goes back and pets his luxurious afro.

"You DAMN RIGHT that's my fro," said Carlito. I did not know why he sounded like Samuel L. Jackson right then and there, but I played along since the course gave no refunds.

Later that day, I had to procure a new hairstyle. I have never had long hair, so I had to make my own afro. It was made up of tree branches I found near the water, vaseline I found on the beach, and used construction paper I found at an abandoned arts and crafts store.

Grade: D- (I'm not going to lie; I was disappointed with the mark. I think my problem was that I didn't reinforce my hairdo with glue. My afro quickly fell apart when we did the "Bridge Test". Weights of different poundage were placed on my hair until it collapsed into itself. Sadly, my hairdo could not withstand 5 pounds of force.)