Monday, September 27, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 100th

WWE Women's Championship Lumberjill Match
Michelle McCool or Layla (c) vs. The Joker

Vickie fell
Kelly smells
Kaval rubbed his head
Michelle McCool taught in middle school
Then woke up in a Deadman's bed

Rosa likes rope skipping
Tiffany is missing
Rookie Divas are chair sitting
Layla should do most of the work
Since her partner can't control her kicking

Eve gets krunky
Natalya is stumpy
Maryse's stock falls like Humpty Dumpty
Do you know how I got these scars?
Excessive smiling did this to me

The Question:
Who wins and how?


Hello, Swerved Nation. On the four-year anniversary of this blog, I bet you are wondering why you are reading these words, rather than watching strippers jump out of a cake. The answer is simple. For one, I do not appreciate strippers who are eager to ruin celebratory food. For two, I am afraid that this may not be the best time for an adult celebration. As the hilarious and informative memories come flooding back into your mind, hold onto them as if they were your children or most prized possessions. If you believe your children are your most prized possessions, that's fine. Whatever. I'm not here to judge. Let those memories tide you over as I embark on a new adventure. I have agreed to become a missionary.

When the Professional Wrestling Missionary Organization offered this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to me, I was thrilled. If you turn on the right kind of news, you will see men and women from all parts of the world, struggling to live happy and healthy lives. Originally, I thought my job was to teach clueless but eager lovers from Third World countries how to properly chain wrestling moves together until they ended up in the missionary position. Even though that is not my actual goal, I aim to impart the rest of my knowledge to them. First, I must consult my library of wrestling encyclopedias to uncover an aspect of the business that does not involve getting it on, but that shouldn't take long. I don't think those sections contain pictures.

In the event I do not make it back to this glorious sanctuary, I urge you to celebrate the four-year milestone on my behalf. Pin the tail to the donkey part of your choice. Spend as many seconds in the heavenly closet as you want. Do not let the DJ tell you when to throw your hands up in the air and shake it like a Shake Weight. Once the party dies down, all I ask is that you take care of my to-do list. As you can tell from this mighty list, I have many responsibilities. While I do not expect you to accomplish twenty tasks out of twenty, I believe in you. You are capable of knocking off a quarter of them (at the most).

Whatever happens, remember that The Swerved was the place we made together so that we could swerve one another. The most important part of my life was the time that I swerved with you. That's why all of us are here. Nobody swerves alone. I swerved you and you swerved me. Swervedspeed, my people.

1) Please take care of Kaitlyn for me. Since last week's episode of NXT, she has been recovering from Michelle McCool's kick of jealousy and hatred at my palatial estate. I know she appeared on SmackDown three days later showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but trust me. She was hurting on the inside. To pick up her spirits, I have let Kaitlyn give me several wedgies. I told her that each wedgie was stronger than the last, but that is a lie. The kick has weakened her, leaving my undergarments loosely wedged up my buttocks. It's not even bunching. I'm not sure how to break it to her.

2) Please urge R-Truth to stop telling people how to live their lives. At first, R-Truth only wanted know how and what we were doing with our ourselves. Now, he is forcing us to "knuckle up" and "get krunk." You are asking wrestling fans to engage in two physical activities — one of which involves acquiring an intangible item. I did not see either activity mentioned in the TV Guide summary for Friday Night SmackDown. Besides, Eve is already following your instructions. Why are you so demanding, Ron Killings? What is up with you?

3) Please tell Aladdin that is he is not alone anymore. The Undertaker's urn has returned. As of this moment, there are now two men who get ahead in life with the help of a mystical, golden container. Aladdin does not have to settle for Jasmine. Finally, he can date a woman who doesn't look like she could be his cousin or sister.

4) Please keep John Cena from using the dropkick ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot afford to lose its top star to such a high risk, death-defying move. If he does the collar-and-elbow tie-up, hold him down until he learns how to cool those jets. Ground that purple and yellow, aerodynamic wonder.

5) Please instruct motorcycle helmet manufacturers to increase the density and thickness of their products. Lacey Von Erich has immediately recovered from helmet-assisted blows to the head long enough. Perhaps they should start modelling their helmets after the contents and shape of her sturdy cranium.

6) Please ask Vickie Guerrero about in-ring and out-of-ring boyfriends. I was under the impression that WWE romances weren't location specific. In particular, I want to know what happens if a woman's in-ring boyfriend makes it to the ropes at any point in the relationship. Is that relationship over, or does it continue until the counsellor can determine the winner?

7) Please tell TNA that lesbians are not always the answer. Disingenuous displays of girl-on-girl affection are capable of enlivening the following events: tractor pulls, taco restaurant grand openings, crew cut competitions, t.A.T.u. concerts, impromptu pillow fights, planned pillow fights, and slack fittings. Let it be known that I did not mention that these displays increase ratings or interest in a weekly, confusing wrestling show.

8) Please bury me in a glass case of cement. Use the fancy kind, not the store-bought brand. I see no blue on my collar. At my hairline, remember to stop pouring the liquid cement. Do not bury me any further or I cannot come back to life via unprecedented coffin resurrection at a later date.

9) Please congratulate MVP on regaining his sleeves. The VIP Lounge gets chilly in the Fall. I didn't want him to catch a cold. Thanks to sleeves, errbody in the club getting comfy.

10) Please take that brown suit jacket away from CM Punk. Before he became Batman, I'm pretty sure Bruce Wayne gave him that jacket in confidence. Now, I suspect Punk was warm the whole time. Batman and I are disappointed with his decision to wear the jacket for pleasure and business.

11) Please thank John Morrison for bringing parkour to WWE television. The stylish traversal of a diverse environment is the perfect way to distract people from the fact that you are an expert on hippopotamus breath. Apparently, you know hippopotamus breath so well that you can compare it to the breaths of other mammals. You could have just walked down that hallway, but no. You must think. The smoky and woody scent of that hippo's mouth air has inspired many an analogy.

12) Please note that Fourtune is my favourite wrestling stable of the past ten years. Well-dressed men who wear sunglasses indoors, give sexually suggestive shout outs to Matt Hardy with their hands, and don't know how to spell fortune are my kind of people. I'm over Ric Flair, though. Matt Hardy does not find four fingers any more pleasurable than three. I would even dare to say that the addition of the fourth finger would hurt Matt's special area.

13) Please help Jay Lethal live out better dreams. I don't care how you get it done. Maybe he needs a warmer glass of milk, or a larger number of sheep to count. No normal young man dreams of winning, then losing, then winning the fourth most important championship in the second largest promotion in North America by default. If he wants to dream small, he might as well dream about winning a free scratch ticket made possible by scratching his first ticket.

14) Please gussy up the Hell in a Cell before the Pay-Per-View. For years, this cell has been unfairly treated, written off as a cesspool of death and destruction. Recently, I purchased floral wallpaper and a matching living room set. All you need to do is buy a 50-inch, high-definition television with surround sound, silk drapes, a miniature refrigerator, and a framed portrait of the family to hang over the mantle. This portrait would feature the Hell in a Cell, the Kennel from Hell, the steel cage, the blue steel cage, and the Punjabi Prison (the black sheep of the family) posing together in knitted Christmas sweaters. Let us turn this hell into a home.

15) Please interrogate Ricardo Rodriguez. I want to know where he hid the bodies. If he tells you they were in Del Rio's piñata, tie him to the ceiling. Next, smack him across the face with a festive piñata stick until the truth comes out. Those piñatas were intended for fun purposes only.

16) Please weld two folding chairs together to accommodate Naomi's gargantuan buttocks. Folding chair technology will not improve itself. That way, she will be able to dedicate one seat to each cheek. World Wrestling Entertainment can charge her twice as if she is a fat person required to purchase two seats on an airplane.

17) Please give my regards to the Knockouts as they attempt to rule the Pay-Per-View world with TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1. All night long, these sexy and sensual bombshells will wear next to nothing while angrily reacting to alarming discoveries. Watch The Beautiful People as they wash their car in skimpy bikinis, then find a parking ticket under the wiper blade of the windshield. Witness Madison Rayne and Tara give each other a sensual and somewhat uncomfortable massage before expressing their outrage at the rising prices of energy and oil. As an added bonus, the newly-acquired Mickie James will perform a striptease at a rally boycotting mediocre country music. TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1 — rage has never been this sexy.

18) Please postpone my upcoming threesome with Ted DiBiase and Maryse. Your predictions were right. For the past few weeks, I was the one sending them romantic messages via piece of paper and Titantron screen. This might surprise you, but I never had simultaneous relations with a wealthy, second-generation wrestler and a French-Canadian woman before. I can only assume that simultaneous relations with a wealthy, French-Canadian wrestler and a second-generation woman does not compare. I have unchecked the box on my bucket list.

19) Please thank Cody Rhodes for his informative grooming tips. From this point forward, I have cut my average lap time in half. I do not know why his tips have turned me into a competitive swimmer. Regardless, he should be rest assured that my skin is as smooth and hairless as that of a super-hot baby.

20) Please tell my son that I want him back, but I still don't know how.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 99th

World Heavyweight Championship No Holds Barred Match
Kane (c) vs. Day Man

Big Red
Got up on the wrong side of the bed
Demon with one contact lens
You're a master of distant reading as long as you keep your good eye open

Big Red, Big Red (uhh ahh ahh)
Ran out of towels to cover his bald head (uhh ahh ahh)
Magician from the underworld
Twenty-minute lighting tricks delight few boys and girls

Big Red

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Join us as we celebrate The Swerved's fourth anniversary. Would you like to see The Swerved celebrate its fifth, sixth, and eighty-fifth anniversary? Speak now or forever speak later.


You are like the Rosa Parks of Maxim. Somebody has got to do something. Those were not the 100 Sexiest Women.

ECW Another One Night Stand

For the longest while, I thought 2005 was my year. All signs pointed to that period of 365 days as the one that made an international superstar out of yours falsely. Now that I have returned to my vault for this very special edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, I must admit what I was wrong. Kelly Clarkson sang "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You," not me. I was neither Harry Potter, nor his fiery goblet. Worst of all, I did not compete in the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. I’m not Shelton Benjamin. It turns out that 2005 was just a ladder-climbing-heavy year for me. No briefcase was involved. Stairs and I had a falling-out until 2007.

When push comes to pull comes to shove, all that I can confirm is that 2005 planted the seeds for the site before you today. Way back in Pioneer Times, I wrote my first professional wrestling article for The Armpit (I originally wanted to write for The Inner Thigh, but we don't get everything we want in life). As other websites deemed my work to be too hot or cold for the Internet, a kind young man with locks of gold thought my stuff was just right. He called himself the Wrestling Professor. For an individual wealthy enough to change his first name to an active verb and his last name to a collegiate occupation, he saw something special in me that nobody else bothered to see: fifty bucks hidden in my wallet. After handing over my amateur gigolo earnings, he gave me my chance to shine.

As you join me in this look back at the origins of The Swerved, keep in my mind that I was a different person in 2005. Back then, I thought professional wrestling consisted of two guys competing in tuxedos and white gloves. Whenever one of them was about to go for a move, he would have to sign and submit a series of documents to finalize its execution. In 2010, I have begrudgingly accepted that this entertainment sport is often unprofessional. The men and women of the industry don't tuck in their shirts. Sometimes, they don't even wear shirts.

Five years ago, I pictured a future in which the hardcore alumni of Extreme Championship Wrestling could not get enough of reuniting with each other. Five years later, they reunite to survive, destroying all innocent objects in their path. Run, tables, chairs, and households utensils. You are not safe here. The spoons can stay, though. The world needs to enjoy pudding the right way.


Due to the success of 2005's One Night Stand, Vince McMahon has called for yet another ECW reunion Pay-Per-View. In place of the invasion storyline that played a significant part in last year's event, Mr. McMahon insisted on the increased participation of World Wrestling Entertainment superstars and personalities for inter-promotional matches and angles. What resulted from this move was a night of surprises, mayhem, and extremeness that wrestling enthusiasts will surely never forget.

ECW Another One Night Stand sponsored by WWE Films' Oh My! starring Michael Cole
Tagline: Extremely Extreme To The Extreme Extremities
Live from the Bingo Hall in Bingo Hallington, USA (June 20, 2006)

(Thanks to Michael Cole's recent transformation into a snide, play-by-play-announcing jerk face, WWE Films/Studios is better off not releasing this hypothetical movie. Hypothetical good for them. If they want to avoid another legendary disaster, I say they should call upon the acting talents of Michael Cole's gong.

I have written a screenplay called Gong Baby Gong. The story is about two gongs trying to find the kidnapper of a young gong. Ben Affleck is in talks to direct and bang the gongs. How about it, WWE? I have submitted an e-mail to you that is actually a piece of paper on top of a computer keyboard. Read the screen, but read what is on the keyboard more as that it where I have somehow put the important information.)

Match 1:
Impact Players w/ Dawn Marie and Jason vs. Snitsky and Edge w/ Bacne and Lita

This was a very good opener. Crowded chanted, "I completely trust her around my friends and acquaintances," toward Lita. Snitsky got in a lot of Lucha Libre moves on Storm and Credible, including a corkscrew plancha on the Players through a table, three chairs, and the Earth's crust.

Finish came when Barry Bonds interfered with a baseball bat — made entirely out of steroids — and struck Credible before Edge got the pin. Lita and Dawn Marie engaged in a catfight, rolling around the ring pretending to be carpets unravelling. Elsewhere, Jason wondered how he was supposed to physically fight back acne. After the match, Matt Hardy ran into the ring, shook Edge's hand, and called him an amazing human being. Fans popped for this big time with high fives and fist pumps all around. Edge said something about him being Money and Lita being the bank that he was in. Matt Hardy shook his head, crossed his arms, and mouthed, "That's my Edge."


(Today, I am glad that Matt Hardy is doing well. You heard me. Matt Hardy is enjoying a happy and healthy lifestyle as I type. Most of you will disagree with me, but I judge a person's well-being by the manner in which he talks about himself in hotels and other public establishments. Matt is doing whatever he needs to do to get wherever he needs to get. In my opinion, the less knowledge you have about your future tasks or locations, the better. For instance, I have no idea where I will be in five minutes. I'm just going to drive my motorized tricycle onto the highway and see what happens. The wind will take me where it may.)

Match 2:
Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven

Terrible bout with no storyline. Before the match, Raven got on the mic and challenged people in the audience to a $14,000 Raven Symoné Challenge to see who could do the best impression of Olivia from The Cosby Show.

Dreamer's new theme ("La La" by Ashlee Simpson) played and he ran around the bingo hall as the crowd sang along word for word. Just as Raven was about to attack Dreamer from behind, Dreamer yelled, "Raven F'n Symone!" to monster cheers and caned Raven in the face with a chopstick. Raven had the crimson mask and looked out of it until he took a vat of Undertaker-flavoured tobacco juice and offered it to Dreamer. Tommy drank the whole thing as a nod to his incredibly successful WWE persona, but it was for naught. Raven low-blowed and pinned him quickly after that. The match lasted 10 seconds, which I will never get back.

(Besides his current role as TNA's articulate wordsmith, Tommy Dreamer's "Devour Everything in Sight" gimmick was my favourite incarnation of him. During his successful stint in World Wrestling Entertainment, I was quite disappointed that nobody else told or showed me what inedible liquids and solids they could consume. With the intensity of a thousand screaming suns, I said, "Every single one of you should be more like Tommy. I know he drinks Barbasol. If you are a guest in my house, what am I going to serve you? Water? Poison? I only buy those drinks for people I know. Since you won't tell me what you drink, you are no guest of mine.)


JBL Promo

John "Bradshaw" Layfield came out in a limo with the ECW logo on the sides and a longhorn wrapped in barb wire on the hood. As he stood in the ring for his upcoming battle, every fan in the arena rose to their feet and chanted "J-B-L" for a good hour. Bradshaw was clearly emotional and bowed to the crowd in humble fashion. He talked about how he loved ECW. Although he never worked there, he was a big fan of tables, chairs, and other furniture that have the potential to be utilized as weapons. He gave a shout out to the Blue Meanie and began to do the Meanie dance to an enormous ovation.

Later, he commented that he loved his hat and being Republican, but loved Republican hats even more since they never married other hats of the same sex. As he was about to leave, Hardcore Holly walked down to the ring. They both did the Meanie dance to all four sides of the building. It was an excellent segment that should become the staple clip of your wrestling tape library.

Match 3:
Stephanie McMahon vs. Paul Heyman

There were tests of strength and breasts vs. baldness at the start of match, followed by exchanges of tilt-a-whirl hurricanranas. Steph put on her ECW beret in the middle of the match and started to do pantomime as Heyman put on a fake moustache and twirled a baguette in his hands. "French stereotypes are accurate representations of the citizens therein," said the crowd, who then drank a spot of tea and put on their gold-rimmed monocles. Heyman busted out the top rope elbow drop and almost won with Sweet Chest Music, but was caught off guard and pinned with the Ponytail Chokeslam onto a steel chair.

Both competitors were over huge and congratulated one another at the end of the match. They raised each other's hand and dosey-doed in the ring for a few minutes before pantomiming and twirling bread once more. A very exciting and quickly paced match-up.

(During the Invasion, Stephanie shocked us all by coming down to the ring as the new leader of ECW. At that very instant, I became her biggest fan entirely because of her leather beret. Without question, Stephanie McMahon understands what it takes to be a strong, female authority figure. First and last of all, you need stylish and alternative headwear.

You see, a woman wearing a regular wool beret deserves little to no respect. Appearing as though you recently jumped out of Target's Fall catalogue makes you ready to visit a pumpkin patch with your toddlers, not lead a group of co-operative extremists. On the other hand, a woman with a leather beret commands respect. If you are wearing a leather beret, you mean business. In and away from France, you are wearing cow skin to keep the top of your head warm. I am not worthy.)


Match 4:
Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD and Jerry Lynn died on the way back to their home planet.

Rating: Zero stars.

Match 5:
Triple H vs. Joey Styles

This match was announced last week when Joey Styles ran down to the ring and attacked Triple H with leftover coin collections unsold from his infomercial.

Triple H went retro with his Connecticut Blue Blood attire while Joey Styles wore Henry Godwinn-like overalls. Insane spot in the match occurred when Styles back-body dropped Triple H into a hog pen and we accidentally went back in time.

The story of the bout was HHH kept on using the Pedigree but Styles would always kick out of it. Once Joey went to use the Pedigree for himself, Triple H escaped and hit him with the sledgehammer. Hunter proceeded to use the sledgehammer to attack the ring announcer, open a bottle of wine, and cure various diseases. Styles made a babyface comeback to "We Want Fables" chants led by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley. They watched the rest of the match from the entranceway as Styles told Triple H about The Goose With The Golden Egg.

(In this scenario, Joey Styles changed parts of the story to keep Hunter from getting too upset.

One day, a countryman and wife came across their goose, who laid a golden egg. Taking the egg home, they discovered that it was real following an intricate, CSI-esque investigation. As the goose continued to lay one golden egg per day, the man and his wife became rather wealthy, selling the eggs for a profit. Believing that the goose housed the greatest and most profitable lump of gold, they chose to kill her. Once they opened up that goose, they found nothing but sons.)

Styles had the visual pin, but Triple H escaped for he prefers stories based on Clifford the Big Red Dog. He ended up hitting the Tripleration H (Pedigree into Piledriver into Co-owner of World Wrestling Entertainment) for the win. Moments later, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and turned on Styles with the 3-D through a 2-D world. They raised Triple H's arms in victory as they changed their names to Bubba H and H-Von Dudley. Of course, this was a great match.

Rating: ****1/2

Match 6:
Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley

At the start, both legends were almost disqualified when Flair tried to set Foley on fire and throw him through a window. To Flair’s dismay, it turns out that Foley was not a stuntman after all and is actually a semi-retired professional wrestler. Foley and Flair exchanged blows on the top turnbuckle. Mick was pushed off and Flair did the Shooting Star Press to the collective comment, "Gee, by golly that's nifty," by the ECW audience.

Foley attempted to backdrop Flair through the table but the Nature Boy held on by complimenting Triple H. Foley spread out thumbtacks as Flair — on the other side of the ring — spread out his robes to create a beautiful tapestry that is most pleasing to the eye. Flair was dropped leg first on the tacks, which somehow made his hair turn from white to red. That’s a great visual no matter how it happens.

In turn, Foley was dropped on the robes and sold the impact by taking a nap. Flair applied the Figure Four Leg Lock, but Mick made it to the ropes. Then, Flair chucked milk and cookies toward him, only for Mick to use a can of Ensure and some prunes to successfully put to rest the Nature Boy for the 1-2-3.

(Ric Flair and Mick Foley are two rare and honourable gentlemen who knew when it was time to hang up the boots. By now, I'm sure Mick Foley is relaxing in Long Island, New York, refusing to show love for Louie from DuckTales while talking about his close personal friends (Melina, Melina, Melina, etc). Meanwhile, Ric Flair is in some classy retirement home in North Carolina, not giving elbow drops to suit jackets while a group of well-dressed people encourage him. That is how you retire.

Shawn Michaels could learn from them. I've seen you on television, Heartbreak Kid. I was watching past matches with you in them, but I saw you in the present day. That counts more than it doesn't count.)

Rating: **

Match 7:
Taz vs. Roller-coaster Ride

Taz entered the ring to a disappointing reaction. He took his black towel and used it as a cape, jogging around the ring with his arms straight out à la Superman or a five-year-old child. He thanked ECW for giving him a chance before burying the company, talking about how he was never appreciated and never given the extra Z in his name until he went to WWE. Taz said, "Hell, if I went to WCW, I'd be Tazzz, damnit," to a lot of jeers from the crowd. He added that from now on, the “FTW” initials on his wrist tape stand for “Futons Trump Waterbeds” as only ECW fans enjoy waterbeds. He received a tremendous amount of boos for that comment.

(I’m sorry to say, but I agree with Taz(z)(z) on this one. For the most part, we share the same point of view on most mattress-related comparisons. "That sofa resembles a fat bench." I am with you on that, Taz. "Let the pigeons loose. Yambags." Wait, I thought we were talking about sofas. Keep the pigeons tethered. Also, I do not appreciate yams in any other shape than their natural form.

Fans of ECW look like the kind of people who would enjoy sleeping on a bag of water without that water ever touching them. If they are scared of anything, they are afraid of showers and being too sexy for the female eye. Do not look directly at ECW fans, ladies. You will be pregnant with multiples.)

A roller-coaster ride named Goliath walked methodically down the aisle to loud applause. Taz was infuriated by this and tried to enter the ride, but was stopped by none of than Vince McMahon himself for not being tall enough. McMahon attacked Taz with his grapefruits. Goliath won by count out. Eric Bischoff was forced to wear a dress somewhere. This was a match-of-the-year candidate.

Rating: *****

Match 8:
John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Triple H vs. ECW Alumni

The final segment featured JBL and HHH versus the entire ECW roster. The odds were stacked against them, but JBL managed to clothesline everyone with his noble arm as Triple H pedigreed people on top of other people to create an orgy of pain. One of the highlights was Sandman riding a river of beer into the bingo hall, only to be stopped by a debuting Stone Cold Linda McMahon. She drank the entire river, then used a George Foreman Grill to Sandman's forehead. A few Linda Stunners took care of the rest.

(Don't let Linda McMahon's mom haircut and Hillary Clinton pants suit fool you. Deep beneath that friendly exterior lies a hellish warrior, ready to win Senate races by awkwardly kicking others in the groin. Question: Does Connecticut require all Senate candidates to take Stone Cold Stunners without prematurely falling to the ground? No? Good. I'm just asking because I saw this one race in Washington State in which this candidate fell upwards. He failed and lost.)

Linda celebrated with JBL and HHH in the middle of that very ring. Next, the three opened up a brewery and drank more beer. Linda yelled, "This is the World Wrestling Entertainment World Order," as she took a can of rainbow spray paint and wrote wweWo on every member of ECW. The fans absolutely loved it.

The three hugged at the end of the show to ECW chants. Pyro went off and confetti rained down on the fans. This segment was so great I want to have relations with it to produce little segments of equal enjoyability.

Rating: ******************** stars out of ******

In conclusion, ECW Another One Night Stand was a big success. It had everything you could hope for and then some. This show is exactly why Extreme Championship Wrestling was so popular then and still has admirers today. There is no telling what this historic event means for the future. I don't want to jinx it, but a WCW reunion would be a sight for sore eyes. Bravo to the McMahon family and company for presenting a once-in-twenty-thousand lifetimes Pay-Per-View. Let's see if WWE Vengeance can top this extravaganza.

WWE Vengeance 2006 Card:
- Chris Masters vs. Tyson Tomko (WWE TITLE MATCH)
- JBL and Triple H vs. The World
- Diva Search 2006 Competition: Diva Brain Surgery
- Eric Bischoff vs. Stone Cold Linda McMahon
- Edge vs. Matt Hardy vs. Oprah
- Chavo Guerrero vs. bad gimmicks

(Oprah Winfrey is willing to fight a rock star hobo and a regular hobo, but not me? Watch out, Oprah. Enjoy vacationing in Australia with your army of housewives. If a certain someone pops out of a kangaroo pouch and attacks you with a knife-wielding joey, don't be surprised.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

3 Steps to Success: This Old School House



The Devil picks favourites now? Come on, Devbones. All demons are created equal. I thought you were cool.


I don't want to be another one, paying for the things I never done.


Last Monday, I heard your laughter directed toward one Alicia Fox. Firing your hate missiles of pompous cynicism, you attacked this innocent woman for confusing one word with another. "She said undefined when she should have said undisputed. I am audibly expressing my amusement with repetitive mouth sounds. I feel empty." Bravo to you, good fellows. I would bow down before you, but I might accidentally breathe on your golden pedestal. As she cried on the inside, I hope you revelled in the moment on the outside. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How do you sleep at night, in the morning, and at noon?

For the first time in the history of this site, I must say that I do not think much of you. Besides being a decent human being with a sassy walk, Alicia Fox wasn't wrong in proclaiming herself to be the “undefined champion of Divas.” Just because you never heard the term before does not mean she made it up on the spot. Perhaps you should join your country's Olympic Track & Field team. Why is that, you ask? Because you guys and gals would be perfect for the long jump as you seem to have no problem jumping from one ignorant conclusion to another.

If I must clear Alicia's name by defining the undefined Diva, I will make no hesitation to do so. Around the world, young and impressionable girls are at a crossroads, trying to figure out which life path is best for them. For their sake, I hope they embrace the advantages of a life undefined. Once they're old enough, they can spend their days confusing and frustrating those who do not take kindly to alternative ways of speaking. I thought we were living in 2010, not 2009.

I have many hats. In addition to being an gifted writer, actor, and dancer, I am a talented defender of WWE Divas. Before I throw down the knowledge, somebody fetch me my Alicia Fox Apologist hat with the fancy feathers.

Show Your Range

An undefined Diva is capable of showing many emotions. More often than not, these women turn out to be successful and accomplished performers of the stage and screen. Around town, they can be seen with their heart on their sleeve, made possible by a strenuous, twelve-hour operation. First, a surgeon removes the Diva's heart from her chest. After the heart is separated from her body, a group of seamstresses stitch the heart onto the sleeve of her garment of choice. When the heart and sleeve are one, the Diva is free to wear said piece of clothing anywhere she may roam.

In World Wrestling Entertainment, Melina is one of the only individuals who has undergone this painful yet beneficial procedure. The following chart shows that the current WWE Divas' Champion never hides her feelings, opening up to a world that is often kind, but always cruel. If you are a female who does not boast a symmetrical face of stone, you are likely an undefined champion of Divas.

Begin and Maintain A Vague Relationship With The Big Show

The Big Show — The World's Largest Athlete (If You Don't Consider The Great Khali To Be An Athlete) — has befriended such lovely ladies as Joy Giovanni and Kelly Kelly. In both instances, wrestling fans have no clue how those friendships happened, nor what they entail. One moment, Joy Giovanni is standing there without a friend (special or not). The next moment, she is vaguely palling around with The Big Show while occasionally being trapped in limousine trunks. In the case of Kelly Kelly, I guess her friendship with Show started out of her enjoyment for sitting on shoulders while questioning the comedy of others. When our family band was still together and touring, Kelly used to sit on my shoulder until it got tired. If Kelly learned how to play any instrument other than the tambourine, maybe we could schedule a reunion tour.

With or without explanation, an undefined Diva is not afraid to befriend The Big Show. This lack of fear is due to the fact that she does not know when that friendship will begin, nor what will it take to maintain it. One day, The Big Show will show up to your house and start playing with your Legos. If you let him, you will soon find comfort in your undefined skin.

Know The Consequences Of Your Actions

The carefree lifestyle of a WWE performer affects Divas in different ways. For some, the freedom of travelling the globe in skimpy and glamourous clothing is a welcome break from everyday adulthood. For others, a life of luxury and zero responsibility leads to their ultimate downfall. In the event that you acquire a championship title, think before you act. The last thing you want to do is make a choice that you will regret, such as splitting the championship in half with your Best Friend Forever.

The differences between Divas with whole and partial WWE Women's Championship titles are staggering. Random studies that you can find at your local library show that WWE Divas with whole championships are 80% less susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Another study in the November 2008 issue of the Boston Medical Pop-Up Journal claims that the jagged end of real and replica WWE Women's Championship title pieces caused over 2,000 fatal eye injuries to children and animals under six years of age. No matter which version of the title you hold, an undefined Diva is already aware of these advantages and disadvantages.

Your parents and teachers told you about the dangers of splitting championship titles in half. While a number of you took that advice to heart, a few of you didn't bother to listen. At the time, you thought nobody would get hurt, but the five minutes of fun you had ended up creating a lifetime of regret. Now, you must look after your broken title piece like a newborn babe. In addition to ruining a perfectly good belt, you've brought great responsibility upon yourself. How are you going to pay for your broken title's education?

Scream Like You Mean It

An undefined Diva must be capable of accentuating her moves — wrestling-related or otherwise. That does not mean you have to dip your naked self in gold or rent a smoke machine that gives off too much or not enough smoke. The moment you wish to express that you are executing or receiving a move in a violent fashion, transform into almost every other WWE Diva. Next, scream as if you are being groped by a sketchy stranger with brute strength. I am not an undefined Diva for I am somewhat of a man, but let me tell you that I have a hoot and a half, screaming while participating in various activities. Yesterday, I screamed before depositing money in my Swiss bank account. That added up to be a lot of screaming during the eight-hour-long flight from Canada to Switzerland.

Once more, I must give it up to Melina. She is one of those rare Divas who has mastered the screech. Now that I think about it, you might as well scrap everything I told you earlier in favour of copying Melina. As she teaches you how to scream, she may give a bonus lesson in executing flashy moves in inappropriate situations. If your opponent is in position for one move, do something that is in no way related to that body position. Have fun with it. Your opponent won't mind.

"Dance" (Unless You Are Kaitlyn)

You can't see me, but I am currently judging your method of dance through the computer screen. I detect that you are attempting to wiggle then drop your posterior as if it is hot in temperature (Celsius). Those of you with a partner appear to be engaging in a slow to medium-speed dance to a romantic rap beat. I conclude that these dance styles have one thing in common: they are the befitting dances of an undefined Diva. Remembers those formative years you spent in tap, jazz, and ballroom dance competitions? If you do, get out of my face, people who are nowhere near my face. Get out of my face from a greater distance. All you adequate dancers can leave, except Kaitlyn. She can do the robot.

Any respectful gentlemen should treat every woman like a rose, but I cannot help myself. Once Kaitlyn did the robot, I had a vivid vision that she would become the mother of 89 of my 97 future children. Several years ago, my mother won my father's heart via robot dance. At first, my father was attracted to her because he thought she was an actual robot who enjoyed dancing despite her limited mobility. When she proved she was human five years later, my father was disappointed yet still impressed. Today, I am in his shoes. Because you are not in Kaitlyn's shoes, I recommend that you perfect the dance of the undefined Diva.

The Undefined Diva

Do you show any or all qualities associated with an undefined Diva? Assuming that you do, The Swerved's team of artists have come up with an accurate graphical representation of your appearance:

Best of luck to you on your quest to undefined greatness.

Monday, September 06, 2010

3 Steps to Success: Fudge Cluster



Starting this moment... from now... from this moment on... this will be the moment... starting now... of the genesis... of starting moments.


It's too late to change your mind. You let laws be your guide.


The debut of NXT Season 3 is approaching. Do you know where your children are? If so, you better drag them back to the house and park them in front of the television set. Despite Season 2 ending no more than a week ago, a wilder and younger bunch of rookies are ready to show the world what they have to offer: attractive female parts. I am so excited for this all-Diva edition of NXT that I want to run into the ring, try to save a female version of Kaval from a beat down, then easily give up and watch her get pummelled. World Wrestling Entertainment feels the same way, except they want to run onto SyFy, show a 6'9" woman, then hide her in Florida until further notice.

This time, let us bid farewell to the Balls Banquet and welcome the Yeast Feast. In what will be a lengthy competition that could last upwards of four weeks, five lovely ladies will fight for the right to be the next WWE Diva. Being a NXT Rookie Diva is not enough for them. They must be smart, sexy, and powerful at the major league level. Although the last two winners of NXT won a shot at a championship title of their choosing, these women know that "WWE Diva" is the only title worth fighting for in the entire company. Championship reigns are fleeting. Bona fide prima donnas last forever.

Depending upon your point of view, The Swerved's oddsmakers may or may not have given accurate predictions for the last season of NXT. If you looked directly at the predictions, they missed the mark. If you looked at the predictions from a great distance through a pinhole camera while wearing three pairs of sunglasses, they could never have been more right. For Season 3, my experts have assured me that their predictions are rock solid. Place your bets before the authorities arrive.

Can the all-star, NXT Pro cast of Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Goldust, The Bella Twins, and Primo bring their rookies to the promised land? Eight out of ten innovative comediennes tell me that Goldust and Primo will be unable to find the promised land because men never ask for directions. Also, these comediennes insist that dating is difficult and expect other females to agree with their belief. As for me, I want to know what these comediennes are doing in my home. The oddsmakers invited them, didn't they? Well, they're fired.

Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly

Choreographed turn to the Internet audience. What's up, Swerved Nation? It's me — Stephen Rivera. I can't wait to talk about Kelly Kelly mentoring Naomi Night on Season 3 of NXT. Kelly's rookie is a girl after my own heart. She's fun, sassy, athletic, loves pink high-tops, and can only afford to add purple hair colouring to her bangs. When her stylist tried to add colouring to the rest of the hair, she said, "Not right now. I'm on a purple hair colouring payment plan."

Unlike the other Rookie Divas, Naomi claims that her style in the ring is very unique because she is athletic. Oh, finger snaps in a zigzag pattern. For a former Orlando Magic cheerleader on a purple hair colouring payment plan, Naomi sure is cocky/snatchy. What a statement. I am close friends with many former Orlando Magic cheerleaders. Let me tell you that they are synchronized, yet humble.

To me, Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly don't seem to have much in common at all, but I will give this pairing the benefit of the doubt. As Naomi brings her “A” game, I expect the other divas to bring their “C” game and show up to this competition greatly unprepared. Most of them will forget their kegs at home.

Odds of Winning: 8:1

Maxine and Alicia Fox

Alternating car model pose. Hello, Swerved Nation. It's your favourite inhabitant of the riverbank here — Stephen Rivera. I was not surprised that Alicia Fox was chosen to be the next NXT Pro, but I was surprised that her rookie has "champagne taste with a champagne budget." On top of Season 3 being an all-Diva competition, is WWE running with a funds management theme? Are all Rookie Divas going to tell us how they utilize their monetary assets? If so, I think this season will be a major hit with the kids. First, Naomi is paying for hair colouring through installments. Now, Maxine has dedicated the majority of her income to white sparkling wine to the extent that she does not have enough money to buy actual food. These are relatable stories involving relatable people.

According to Michael Cole, Maxine claims that she is well kept, intelligent, manipulative, motivated, and gets what she wants. She believes that men shouldn't pursue her, but men can't resist her. The fact that Maxine is confiding in Cole enough to give him a detailed description of her personality is worrisome. Plus, I doubt Maxine will have the energy to make it to the end of NXT. Champagne doesn't contain any essential nutrients.

Odds of Winning: 100:1

Aksana and Goldust

Self-loathing turn to the audience with breathable paint on my face. Hey, nation. This is Stephen Rivera. I have seen Goldust's rookie and she will star in a Shattered Dreams Production of WWE literally shattering her dreams in about two months. And when Goldust is finished with her, she will probably have to move back to Lithuania. I don't know what language they speak in Lithuania, but in North America, we speak North American. Do you speak it, lady?

Aksana (Živilė Raudonienė) declares that she is the most pretty girl in NXT, which is a bold statement for a Rookie Diva. Stating you're better looking than four other women is like X-Pac stating that he was one of the brighter stars of X-Factor. Oh, Aksana. Look at her and her medium level of self-esteem. How adorable. In addition to being beautiful and hard working, Aksana mentions that she is very athletic. In a related story, Naomi's game plan is out the window.

Personally, I am rooting for Aksana because she wants to show the other girls that they can reach whatever they feel inside. They sure can. That is usually the first thing I tell girls when I meet them.

Odds of Winning: 20:1

Jamie Keyes and The Bella Twins

Taking a sick day off from my successful escort business for RAW guest hosts, I gyrate in a seductive fashion. Hey, Swerved Nation. I'm Stephen Rivera, I'm Stephen Rivera, and we're Stephen Rivera. Just like The Bella Twins (if competitive flower wearing counts), their rookie has been competing in sports her whole life. She does look a little familiar, too. She was either the ring announcer for NXT Season 2 or took 4th place at the 2010 Competitive Flower Wearing Championship in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

I think of Jamie Keyes as the pioneer of NXT Season 3, complete with an ultra sexy pioneer dress and matching bonnet. To my knowledge, she is the first rookie to fight for a chance to work for World Wrestling Entertainment while working for World Wrestling Entertainment. Good for her. Apparently, ring announcing has given Jamie the opportunity for the crowd to get to know her. I can see where Jamie is coming from as her job was to introduce everybody but herself.

I have high hopes for The Bella Twins and Jamie Keyes. In the end, perhaps Nikki and Brie will be better mentors than Michelle McCool and Layla. After all, they are expanding on a tried and true NXT tradition. They are proof that it takes two women to show one woman how to do one man's job.

Odds of Winning: 4:1

A.J. Lee and Primo

Vacant Puerto Rican stare with an awkward Puerto Rican smile. Swerved Nation; Stephen Rivera here. I would like to tell you that Primo is a Pro in Season 3 of NXT. It's no surprise to me that WWE chose a guy like him — Mr. High School Facial Hair — to mentor and train A.J. Lee. She is a senorita, a mamacita, a maker of delicious pitas. A.J. has spunk and energy, meaning that she maintains a balanced diet. She does not have three meals of champagne per day. Maxine's nemesis has arrived.

A.J. Lee is representing all the nerds out there in the WWE Universe. Before you nerds get all hot and bothered in your undeveloped nether regions, let me clarify that A.J. is not an actual nerd. When she talks about being a nerd, she is referring to my people's definition of a nerd (the hot person's definition). In other words, she is clumsy, forgets where she puts her keys at times, and accidentally watched ten minutes of the first Star Wars prequel while channel surfing on a Sunday evening. Nevertheless, I am confident that you vote for her anyway. Loneliness shall power your right to choose.

Odds of Winning: 1:1