Monday, April 28, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 40th

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Matthew Lillard

You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters will never look like Edge
He is a poor impersonator
And I'm getting the best of him

You know I look like Edge because I know I look like Edge
You know, you know, you know, you know I look like Edge because I know I look like Edge (and I don't act in a film without Freddie Prinze Jr.)
You're just a person who doesn't look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
You think I look like Edge
Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters will never look like Edge
He is a poor impersonator
And I'm getting the best of him

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Don't hate the video game player, hate the video game.


Thug life.


The Four Horsemen. The New World Order. Pretty Mean Sisters. The great list continues. What do these groups have in common? They were all fantastic wrestling stables that changed the landscape of the industry forever. As a wrestling fan for a tad under five hundred years, I am not happy with WWE's decision to cut down on stables. Sure, we do have La Familia on Smackdown, but I don't even know who Zack Ryder or Kurt Hawkins are. They may as well be part of the WWE set. When I first saw them on Smackdown one Friday night via the magic of digital video recording, I thought they were shirtless janitors that stole Edge's ring gear. Look, I am human. Once in a while, I like to borrow a professional wrestler's attire and mop the floor in an efficient fashion. The other day, I dressed as Big Daddy V and cleaned the hallway of my former elementary school, but my former elementary school frowns on my decision to model my appearance after Big Daddy V. Where was I? Oh, yes. Stables. I have a few suggestions.

Stable Characteristics I Like:
1) A stable with a charismatic, veteran wrestler or manager who manages a rookie
2) A stable with a cohesive tag team that sports a unique look
3) A stable with an official uniform (a shirt with the stable's logo, or a certain colour scheme worn by all stable members)
4) A stable with a catchy theme song
5) A stable with an intrinsic need to beat down you and yours with painful results

Stable Characteristics I Don't Like:
1) A stable of similar wrestlers
2) A stable made up of only veteran wrestlers/A stable made up of only rookie wrestlers
3) A stable without a name
4) A stable without a purpose
5) A stable without hay (dude needs to feed his horses, man)

This week, I provide stable ideas to ensure the survival and success of the wrestling business for many generations to come. Unlike the last time I saved the industry, you don't have to thank me. As long as you hand over your functional hearts, I'm good to go. You don't need your hearts for anything important, do you? That's right. You never do.

The United Kingdom

The King: William Regal

William Regal, the 2008 King of the Ring, attained the crown in a grueling one-night tournament on RAW, defeating such tough competitors as a broken-down Finlay and his magical leprechaun son. Wrestling analysts claim that magical leprechaun children are the most dangerous opponents in one-night tournaments, but they were no match for one William Regal on that Monday night. As the king of ropes, turnbuckles, an apron, and a mat, King Regal requires much encourage and support since ruling over inanimate objects is a difficult thing to do. In other words, for a king to be successful in World Wrestling Entertainment, he definitely needs a royal hierarchy behind him.

Although King Regal will not be able to order his court to behead every single opponent, his rule will be one of great domination. King Regal will proclaim that his people will drink nothing but tea and greet and bid farewell to one another with suplexes aplenty on the neck area. Perhaps they may be parched after suplexing each other on the neck area. Therefore, they will need to drink tea right after they suplex each other on the neck area. On the other hand, drinking tea beforehand might give them adequate energy to suplex each other on the neck area. Well, what should they do first? This whole king business is complicated. This complicated king thing is why I write about sports entertainment. I could have been a king, but I didn't want to take the correspondence course.

The Prince: Paul Burchill

One day, Paul Burchill was a pirate. He swung from a rope, handed out beads and riches to the audience, and used his sword to swipe at the air because the air said something about his mother. As a pirate of the Caribbean variety, Paul Burchill had it all, until Vince McMahon noticed that he existed and put an end to Burchill's seafaring ways. You see, Vince McMahon does not enjoy the company of pirates. If I didn't know any better, I would think that Vince is piratephobic. As a young child, he had to wear eye patch following a freak blinking accident. To aid his visual perception of the outside world, he was given a shoulder parrot that described the features of his surroundings which he could not decipher with one eye alone. For six months, he went through life as a pirate. Ever since, he has wanted to denounce the pirate life. Sadly, a pirate's life is not the life for Vince McMahon.

As Burchill continues his wrestling career without his pirate persona, a role in King Regal's stable should do wonders for him. As part of the United Kingdom, Paul Burchill can use the king's power to get what he desires, such as the Intercontinental Championship or first dibs on The Flintstones Phone. Since he is the heir to the throne, Paul Burchill can adopt an arrogant and condescending attitude, suitable for an individual guaranteed to be royalty. If he does not want to use the Curb Stomp, he can bring back the C-4. This time, Prince Paul Burchill does not have to execute the move by himself; he can hire his minions to execute the move for him. If he chooses to keep the Curb Stomp as his finisher, he can always call it The Bangers n' Mash... of Curbingham Palace (awesome name). I know a pirate is not as exciting as a prince, but at least Paul Burchill will have a character again. After all, he needs to catch up to the wrestler with the best wrestling persona today--Cody Rhodes. "Hello, I'm Dusty Rhodes' son." What a gimmick.

The Princess: Katie Lea

In the world of World Wrestling Entertainment, Katie Lea is Paul Burchill's sister. When she debuted on RAW, she had her hands all over her brother. I'm not from the south, where twin brothers and sisters are born in the missionary position straight out of the womb, so I found that visual disturbing. Weeks later, Katie Lea lost feelings for her brother and attempted to seduce William Regal in his office, only for that story to go nowhere. Together, Paul and Katie are fixtures on Heat, watched by a total of five people on the internet, three of which want view the program to relive the era of Velocity. Do I believe that Katie Lea is a talented performer? I could not tell you because WWE won't let her do anything. Then again, maybe Katie's non-performances on WWE programming will provide her the chance to reinvent herself as the princess of King Regal's royal family without the fans saying, "Hey, wait a minute. That girl was another girl there before. Me confused." Well, go ahead and be confused, Me. Princess Katie will be the bomb-diggity-omb.

Every week on RAW, Princess Katie will arrive to a ring on a horse and carriage. She will wave and curtsy to the fans before matches, then employ underhanded tactics to steal victories from her opponents. With Prince Paul by her side, Katie will become a worthy challenger and champion for the WWE Women's Title. If you do not buy into the Princess Katie Lea idea yet, I give you the following suggestion: staying true to the Disney movie tradition, loaded bluebirds will fly down to the ring, sing a few songs, then attack Princess Katie's adversaries when the ref is down or not looking. In conclusion, Princess Katie is not a license to print money. Princess Katie is the definition of money. Without Princess Katie, the world would still be paying for things with animal hides.

The Duke: DH Smith

I know that DH Smith has recently been christened "The Canadian Bulldog," but he too is destined to be a lifetime wrestler on Heat. According to his name, he is a designated hitter as well, which will not help him in the industry either because WWE falls under the National League, a league in which the pitcher has to bat. If I'm not mistaken, Smith’s debut on RAW involved a run-in with twenty thousand other wrestlers. While that in itself is a fantastic debut full of flawless victory, he has not impressed me again. In his prime, Davey Boy Smith proved to me that wearing nationalistic underwear is the best thing I can do as a human being. As of this moment, I have added Danish boxer briefs to my collection of undergarments in honour of my hometown of Danishland. If DH wants to be an inspiration to us all, he must find a way to stand out like his father did. How can DH Smith get noticed? By joining The United Kingdom as the ruler of RAW, of course.

While William Regal is the King of WWE, he cannot have his eyes on RAW every single night and day. When King Regal is on top of his extracurricular kingly duties, such as creeping up to strangers and presenting them cheeseburgers on silver platters, Duke DH Smith can oversee each weekly episode and weed through each segment with a fine-tooth comb, a comb-fine tooth, or a tooth-comb fine. During Regal's matches, he will become his bodyguard of sorts, making sure the opponent is on the level and treats the king with the utmost respect. If the opponent does not bow down to Regal post-match, Smith will jump in and take the guy out with a running powerslam towards the British Isles. As a tandem, Regal and Smith will be dastardly. On the dastard scale, they will be at about a twenty-four out of eleven. Those rat dastards.

The Entourage

The Star Player: MVP

Do you watch Entourage? If you haven't watched Entourage, go ahead and do so because Entourage is one of my favourite top ten shows about Hollywood entourages involving Jeremy Piven in the supporting cast. For those of you who do not comprehend fictional television shows, Entourage is a make-believe storybook come to life about a movie star and his group of friends. As an entourage, they engage in hijinks related to partying, women, and naked partying women--the ho-hum life of a professional wrestling analyst like yours falsely. Smackdown superstar Montel Vontavious Porter is a charismatic individual with an incredibly bright future ahead of him. At first, his gimmick of a athlete who couldn't live up to the hype was questionable, due to the fact that a wrestler who attempts to suck on purpose does not equal compelling programming. Today, MVP is a legitimate upper to mid-card force. Once Porter begins to ascend to the main event ranks of Smackdown, his character will need to stay fresh. How does a superstar and gimmick stay fresh in WWE? Put the wrestler in the refrigerator to chill overnight, you say? What the frick, motherfricker? You are no comedian. You are Carlos Mencia-ing this whole situation.

One more time. How does a superstar and gimmick stay fresh in WWE? You surround him with a stable. To my surprise, MVP has yet to lead a wrestling stable. Even though an entourage is the perfect way to get MVP noticed, WWE has not given him a posse. Since WWE does not want to do it, I give you MVP’s stable entitled "The Entourage." Yes, MVP is not a movie star, but he is an athlete. Many star athletes have entourages. More often than not, they have an loudmouth agent who constantly sells his client and every other client he represents to the public. In addition, these athletes have friends that ride the star's coattails, benefitting from the spoils of their success. Out of anyone in World Wrestling Entertainment, Montel Vontavious Porter is the one wrestler who could do amazing things with a stable.

The Player Agent: Jonathan Coachman

In recent weeks, Jonathan Coachman and Mike Adamle have been battling it out for the Announcer of the Whole Damn Century Award, an accolade given to the commentator who employs the most unique method of screwing up. Of course, Coachman and Cole are an extraordinary duo on Smackdown, what with their ability to speak the English language out of their mouths on all, but I believe that young Jonathan would be better served in a managerial role. Without significant effort, Coachman comes off as dorky, smarmy, and sleazy--the player agent trifecta. Give Jonathan Coachman a bluetooth headset on one ear, a Blackberry phone on one hand, and a T-Mobile Sidekick on the other hand. With all three components, you've got yourself Montel Vontavious Porter's new agent.

Deep inside of my heartiest of hearts, I think The Coach can be an entertaining manager. Look back to his interactions with The Rock and you will see a hint of charisma and poise (you will also see Coachman try to work his mind around the act of sucking on a monkey's nipple, which is a difficult task at best). Yes, MVP does not require a manager at this point in his career, but Coachman can add another dimension to his athlete character. In the midst of dealings with the Smackdown General Manager, Coachman can be the guy who only lets MVP wrestle when he deems the opportunity to be profitable and appropriate, a tactic which should arouse a whole new kind of hatred from the WWE fanbase. "MVP will not perform unless his dressing room is lit with twenty three candles, contains a shower that sprays water upwards, and has a velvet painting of Martin Luther King Jr. as a matador on the wall farthest from the door." Genius or too genius? I cannot decide.

The New Acquisition: Elijah Burke

When Elijah Burke burst onto the wrestling scene, he was the cornerman of MMA-ish fighter Sylvester Terkay. Burke's career has been going downhill ever since. I recall the time when Vince McMahon called Burke into the ring and deemed him "The Future of ECW." I seem to remember the time period when Elijah Burke was the leader of the New Breed, featuring Matt Striker, Kevin Thorn, and Marcus Cor Von. He was at WrestleMania 23, for goodness Pope Todd Grisham's sake. Right now, Burke is in limbo, sometimes winning a nothing match against on ECW, sometimes wrestling CM Punk and losing. From my viewing experience, WWE is high on Burke but they don't want to give him that nudge towards superstardom for some unknown reason. Conversely, in my WWE, a company that I will own in the very near future through candy bribery and mind control, Burke will join The Entourage as Coachman's newest client and become a star.

Burke's role in the stable will consist of being MVP's budding rival. In the setup to big PPV matches, Burke will be the upstart guy that MVP's opponents will have to beat before they can face the star player. Unlike the business relationship between Porter and Coachman, MVP will look to Burke for advice and guidance on a personal level. The instant that MVP goes on a losing streak, Burke will blow up and position himself above Porter in the stable, a circumstance that will create tension between the two. In the future, they will engage in a lengthy feud that will culminate in a big money match at WrestleMania. This match will situate Coachman in the middle of the mess as he struggles to decide which client to support. So, Burke's involvement in The Entourage will help solidify both wrestlers in the main event scene. Plus, the stable means more Coachman. Here a Coachman, there a Coachman, everywhere a Coachman. Let it be so.

The Hollywood Friends: The Miz & John Morrison

At this very second, WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison are thinking about Earth Day, a day that nobody should forget. Go shorty. It's your Earth Day. We are going to party like it's your Earth Day. What is so important about Earth Day, you say? You know, you ask a lot of questions for a stupid head. To answer your ridiculous question, only famous people care about Earth Day. No matter how you perceive Montel Vontavious Porter, he is a famous person. As wannabe members of the Hollywood elite, Miz and Morrison enjoy the company of famous people. Because MVP is famous and Miz and Morrison want to be famous, a relationship between the two parties is inevitable. MVP lives the high life, a life so high that Miz and Morrison cannot reach it. Although they cannot gain MVP's notoriety, they can certainly mooch off of it. The Miz will make himself a salad out of diamonds. Meanwhile, John Morrison will spend the evening on his bidet that doubles as The Fountain of Youth.

The team of The Miz and John Morrison is so easy to hate. Whenever The Miz appears with a wicked fedora on top of his fauxhawked head, the crowd boos. Whenever John Morrison interacts with the audience, the little kids say, "John Morrison. That name sounds familiar. Are you related to Soulja Boy or something?" The tag champions are heat machines, much like a pair of functional furnaces or incredibly hot water bottles. Their eventual association with MVP will add fuel to their fiery fire. Miz and Morrison will attain the scraps that fall from MVP's table. They will get seconds on MVP's groupies. They will eat the black jellybeans that MVP does not want. Last but somewhat least, they will eat lobster daily, but only the tail. By now, if you are not into The Entourage, you are a liar and possibly a beyotch.

Fortune Enterprises

The President: JBL

Do you like gold? You know... the bar kind? How about money? Do you like slightly disturbed to mad cheddar? Or do you like to keep it safe and be rich with food stamps? In my opinion, the best things in life aren't free. In order to get money, you need to make money. One time in Guadalajara, Mexico, I was forced by three intimidating women to strip and get this alligator to... it's not important. Anyway, Johnjohn Bradbrad Laylay is a stock market dynamo who knows his way around Wall Street. With the power of his serious mind, serious face, and serious cowboy hat, he manages to turn pennies into millions of pennies. Like Ted DiBiase before him, the former WWE champion's standing depends on his wealth and well-being. Now that JBL is on RAW, he faces threats to his being in the form of WWE's top stars. JBL cannot face the competition by himself. He is only one man against a world of many. How can John maintain his success? By gathering a group of underlings to make a stable, dedicated to the steadfast accumulation of gold and money. Fortune Enterprises love to accumulate gold and money like a fat kid loves to be shot from the shoulders down in a news story about childhood obesity.

Before you educate me on the history of WWE, let me stop you before you start. Not too long ago, JBL had a stable on Smackdown named "The Cabinet." I know that JBL's group existed and sort of ruled Smackdown for a brief time, but does that mean anything? I mean, we're talking about a stable made up of The Bashams and Orlando Jordan. Really? Orlando Jordan? In case you weren't aware, Orlando Jordan doesn't count. If you say Orlando Jordan three times fast in the mirror at midnight to give yourself a scare, your mirror will say, "Hey, what don't you go ahead and do that over? Orlando Jordan is not scary enough." I guess what I wish to relay to you readers is that Orlando Jordan was most likely a mirage, not a former WWE superstar. I have no other explanation for his Orlando Jordan's Orlando Jordan-ness.

The Vice President: Mr. Kennedy

Ken Kennedy was the winner of the Money and the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania. A future title shot at WrestleMania XXIV and a role as Vince McMahon's son seemed to be money in the bank for him, until a certain scandal involving a certain establishment led to a certain suspension of Mr. Kennedy for purchasing steroids online from Signature Pharmacy. Since his return and move to RAW, Mr. Kennedy has been floundering. He gains some victories, takes some loses, and says his name in the middle of the ring a lot. What else has Mr. Kennedy done? A honey bunch of nothing. A lock, a stock, and two smoking barrels of nothing. Dear diary, nothing did nothing today. Like I said in the WrestleMania XXIV review, if Kim Kardashian doesn't believe in Mr. Kennedy, he has automatically lost in life. Mr. Kennedy will continue to suffer in the Monday night doldrums, unless he can accrue himself a spot in a main act. In The Swerved's WWE, Fortune Enterprises is RAW's modern version of Money Inc. Mr. Kennedy as Vice President of that stable would be his ticket back to the big time.

I am not a fan of Mr. Kennedy's in-ring performances, but I will admit that he has the potential to be one of the most colourful personalities in WWE with the right direction. JBL's right-hand man in Fortune Enterprises can be the character that Orlando Jordan wasn't. Mr. Kennedy can be the wrestler that stands out from the rest, riding in a gold town car behind JBL's limousine. He can borrow Randy Orton's old golden pyro shower entrance and use it to freshen up his own. Rather than yell his name into a microphone again and again, he can hire a solid gold robot man, like the dancing buskers on major city streets, to dance around him as he awaits his opponent to arrive. I like flash and Mr. Kennedy needs to be flashy. If WWE won't let him develop into a more compelling heel, get him off my television screen. I am not wasting high definition on a low definition character.

The Treasurers: Shelton Benjamin & Cody Rhodes

Poor Shelton Benjamin. At first, he was in Kurt Angle’s stable as one-half of Team Angle with Charlie Haas. Next, he moved to RAW and defeated Triple H, a victory that was tried and failed to make him a star. Somewhere during that time, he had a mother, he faced Carlito three times per show, and reformed the World's Greatest Tag Team with Charlie Haas in cornrows. For about four years, Shelton Benjamin has been on the cusp of the main event, yet always falls back to the basement that is WWE's low card extravanganza. Some fans might argue that Benjamin is still a promising commodity in modern day WWE. While I would agree with that notion, he can't spin his wheels forever. He can only shine in Money in the Bank matches and almost die for so long. Sooner or later, he needs to break free and become the superstar that they want him to be. Does he need a charisma injection? No, but he needs to be injected into Fortune Enterprises. As the treasurer, Benjamin will have JBL as his mouthpiece. Benjamin is already known as The Gold Standard in ECW. While I find the moniker neither golden or up to standard, I can deal with the nickname if JBL helps Benjamin become an interesting character. Benjamin needs to get in on that gold action like Mr. Kennedy. Give him something, WWE. Give him an excessive amount of gold jewelry to wear. Make him come out of an exploding gold vault at least. Turn his T-Bone Suplex into a T-Bone Sitout Death Valley Driver and call it "The Golden Goldy Gold Touch of Goldeninity" for all I care. Benjamin is obsessed with gold. Prove it, people. He’s a pewter man to me.

And, poorer Cody Rhodes. The problem with Cody Rhodes is that he is even blander than Shelton Benjamin. Go ahead and tell me that Softcore Cody Rhodes is successful because he is tag champions with Hardcore Holly. No matter how many times you tell me, I will not be convinced. Last week on RAW, for the first time in our lifetime, Cody Rhodes was given a mic to show some personality. I'm not saying he showed much personality, but he did show a smidgen. Now that I know he can speak more than twenty words, how about he ditches his tag partner to become part of Fortune Enterprises? Evolution gave Randy Orton a chance to develop some character. Through similar means, Fortune Enterprises will allow Cody to turn into an actual complex person with different thoughts and feelings. Rhodes and Benjamin can make up a greedy tag team of youngsters who believe that everything should be handed to them. Together, they will be led by an even greedier JBL. The premise for the union will be simple: when JBL sees Cody and Shelton, he sees dollar signs. Together, the team and the stable in general will make money. I'm talking cheddar that is so mad that it is admitted into an insane asylum. You should have seen the signs. That cheddar was freaky.

The Cuban Cartel

The Kingpin: Armando (Alejandro) Estrada

Crime makes the world go around. I like to riot. Don't you? Riots are the only way I obtain my home electronics. Since I like crime, I enjoy wrestling angles and characters that revolve around the criminal world too. What's the hot topic for the youths of today? Grand Theft Auto. If I'm not mistaken, the kiddies dig Grand Theft Auto so much that they are about to commit computer-generated Grand Theft Auto for a fourth time this coming week. Now and then, everybody does not mind indulging in a little bit of crime. In my case, I can't get enough of drug smuggling. If I wasn't a successful writer, I would smuggle drugs in every orifice of my body. Quite possibly, I would smuggle drugs for no better reason other than to feel the sensation of smuggled drugs shoved up and into in my various orifices. As a fan of professional wrestling, I think World Wrestling Entertainment needs a group of gritty criminals. What I have in mind is a stable that is bent on running ECW at any cost. Whether they have to buy out the competition or beat their adversaries into submission, The Cuban Cartel is a group that should give the brand some edge.

Armando Estrada serves as the boss of The Cuban Cartel. He is the kind of man who will compliment your choice of ice cream flavour to your face, then kill you for choosing his favourite ice cream flavour. You may claim that this a poor description of Estrada's uncaring behaviour, but it obvious that you have never chosen a good ice flavour for yourself. The Cuban Cartel lets Estrada control ECW from the inside out. In comparison, the General Manager gig is peanuts. For the sake of younger viewers, the stable will not peddle drugs; they will seek victories through underhanded scheming instead. You know what this means? Armando Estrada gets to talk more. He retains the Alejandro part of his name to make him ever so dubious as well. Hells to the yes.

The Gatekeeper: Umaga

In any stable, the leader requires protection. The Four Horsemen had an enforcer in Arn Anderson. Also, the New World Order had Vincent, the ultimate bodyguard. Because Armando Estrada will run a corrupt organization, he will need a gatekeeper to facilitate his shady wheelings and dealings. The reunion of Umaga and Estrada has been a dream of mine since they split up on RAW without notice over a year ago. As they went their separate ways, I never felt closure. On rainy nights, I like to think that Umaga and Estrada look out on the cityscape and miss each other more and more with each falling drop. "With or Without You" by U2 plays on the radio as Umaga and Estrada sigh with watery eyes and a lump in their throats. Umaga and Estrada is a definite Ross and Rachel situation. I will only accept a happy ending... for Samoa.

Umaga is not muscly in any sense of the word, but as part of The Cuban Cartel, he will be the stable's muscle. To develop his Samoan savage gimmick further, Armando Estrada will hand him a cigar after every win. At first, Umaga will stare at the cigar and attempt to consume it. As the months pass, Umaga will learn to keep it in his mouth. By the end of the year, Umaga will be a Samoan savage who loves to have a relaxing smoke. During promos by the stable, Umaga will stand in the background, blowing smoke rings with glee. He will be known as "The Samoan Bulldozering Choo-Choo Train." Feel free to give me the Nobel Prize at any time for my life’s work.

The Buyer: Super Crazy

According to his entrance theme, Super Crazy is super and crazy. What a greedy son of a mother. I've heard about people being super. I've heard about people being crazy, especially you women out there with your ideas about equality and what have you. For Super Crazy to be both super and crazy is an absurd concept. I would not allow him be both super and crazy, but I am not running WWE at the moment. When I do, look for Super Crazy to be Regular Crazy. I do not tolerate super individuals. Where has Super Crazy been lately? Sometimes on Heat, Super Crazy and Jim Duggan tag up to face The Highlanders, The Highlanders, and The Highlanders. Then, when Super Crazy is wrestling in singles competition, he is not winning. In my view, Super Crazy is the Mexicooliest of them all. He deserves some time on national television. I say put him in The Cuban Cartel. Armando Estrada can introduce to him to a better lifestyle and get Crazy to become an unwilling participant in his ring of lies, a vast improvement from an equilateral triangle of lies.

In the beginning stages of the angle between Crazy and Estrada, Super Crazy will lose several matches, opting not to follow Estrada's advice. While his losing streak continues, Super Crazy will get desperate and seek Estrada's assistance. In exchange for the stable's protection, Super Crazy will have to do some work as the group's servant, driving them around and making them pancakes in the shape of a militant Mickey Mouse. He is a long way away from his days facing Tajiri and Little Guido in three-way dances. If Super Crazy wants to succeed in the wrestling business again, I hope he knows that The Cuban Cartel prefers the Steamboat Willie era Mickey Mouse. The Cuban Cartel is fairly particular when it comes to cartoon-related breakfast foods, as are most wrestling stables.

The Traffickers: Carlito & Santino Marella

RAW's World Tag Team Titles are as valuable as two plastic yogurt lids. With that said, Carlito and Santino are infinitely better than Hardcore and Softcore. Apparently, Carlito is not from the Caribbean anymore, which makes him not cool. Despite his loss of nationality and temperature, he still has character left in him. His performance at WrestleMania XXIV was impressive for a multiple-time Intercontinental Champion who doubles as a target for bird droppings. Do I envision him as a World Champion? No, not right now. Do I see him retaining the Intercontinental Title? No, he won’t retain that belt either. A move to ECW could hurt him, but staying on RAW as the fool of all fools would hurt him more. All Carlito needs as a member of The Cuban Cartel is a white suit and a pair of loafers. The next show you see with Carlito in a white suit and a pair of loafers, you will thank me. With his afro, suit, and loafers, he will appear to be a cocaine fiend who has just been shocked by an electrostatic machine at a science fair, but that is the point of his look. White suits equal personality. Remember this fact when you are trying to pass off a wool jacket and blue jeans as formal dress.

What can I say about Santino Marella that I have not said before? Santino Marella is the most charismatic performer in today's WWE. I'm not going to call him the most charismatic wrestler because what he does is not quite wrestling, though I give him props. Maria does not know what she is missing with Santino. Playboy let young teenagers ogle her lady business, but took away her bubbly persona in the process. The current Maria Kanellis is no different than any generic WWE Diva. I believe that she deserves this fate after breaking Santino's heart. Soon enough, I am confident that Santino will get back on his feet and bag himself a fine lass. Until he does, Santino could use some friends and a white suit to pick up his spirits. Carlito and Santino will be rocking the white suits in the Cuban dance clubs, wooing pretty ladies with their ability to wear white suits. Wait, you don't think white suits are amazing? As I type this piece of brilliance, I am wearing a white suit. Don't spill grape juice around me or I will hit you very hard with another white suit loaded with white suits.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 39th

Chewbacca vs. Big Show

Well, here comes a Wookiee
Wookiees are lactose intolerant so they can't have any glasses of milk with their chocolate chip cookies
Yeah, here comes a Wookiee (Come on, oh)
Chew it up and put that Falcon in warp speed, y'all (oh)
Well get ready for Chewie
And some Han Solo
He's gargling gibberish
In a language that I don't know
It's a Wookiee
It's a freakin' Wookiee
It's not a walking piece of shag carpeting, but it's a Wookiee

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I find the wrestling world highly unstable.


I'm going to tear out your eyes, then put them in my pockets, so you can look at my change

This WWEek in RAWWE: Red, Kerwin White, and Blue & Sing, Skank, Sing

This week, the Swerved reminisces about its first days in the writing-about-nonsense-for-free business. In the summer of 2005, I became the newest guest columnist for the 'Pit. And this was how the world began. In the aftermath of WrestleMania XXIV, I veer away from the current wrestling scene to give you some of my earliest wrestling columns. Yes, I am aware that these pieces are historic, much like the first works of Leonardo Da Vinci, William Shakespeare, and Lilian Garcia, but do not be intimidated. These columns are provided for your entertainment and enjoyment. When you consider my legacy, you must look back on the work that started it all. While I do not call myself a visionary, I did invent vision. You can thank me in a minute.

As I continue to inspire and arouse the wrestling nation with my talents, I look to the future with optimism. I will not rest until the whole industry reads the words and sentences that I am typing from my electronic computer machine. I refuse to call it a day until World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action, and every wrestling company on the planet takes my advice and heeds my warnings. The Swerved wants you to laugh and learn. The Swerved is a public service. Ignore me and you will fail, inanimate wrestling industry. I'm keeping my eye on you. Meanwhile, my other eye is doing something worthy of my time. My other eye is probably watching old episodes of Shotgun Saturday Night. You can do it, The New Blackjacks. You are new. Therefore, you are amazing.

Red, Kerwin White, and Blue --
Kerwin White introduces his associate

(Ooooooh, Chavo. For a brief moment in time, Chavo Guerrero owned the year 2005 with the emergence of Kerwin White, a member of white high society. At the time, he traded in his bandana and decorative ponchos for polo shirts and khaki shorts. In storyline, Kerwin White became Chavo's way to empower his disempowered, Latino self. Most fans thought very little of the gimmick, except me. Like the Spirit Squad, I thought Kerwin White was a clever concept that allowed Chavo to show off his untapped abilities as both a performer and professional wrestler. You see, Kerwin White was a Frank Sinatra soundalike fan who woke up every morning and couldn't wait to embrace the day. He took his coffee by the pool, passed his picket fence, and gazed across his new mowed lawn. In the end, he never thought his life would be this good. Kerwin White spoke infinite truths and wrestled with knee-high socks. Bless you, Kerwin.)

(STAMFORD, CT)--As many are aware, Chavo Guerrero, a multiple-time World Wrestling Entertainment cruiserweight and tag team champion, had a life changing revelation on the July 4, 2005 episode of RAW. The wrestler formely known as Chavito is now to be referred to as Kerwin White. On that episode, Chavo dencounced his Mexican heritage as part of the lying, cheating, and stealing Guerrero family on live television. In the future, he is looking to make a significant impact on Monday nights. To help him in this quest, he has purchased an array of brightly coloured sweaters that will solely be worn tied around his neck. In addition, Mr. White will consume nothing but the whitest of breads.

[Ooooooh, sweaters. I think tying sweaters around your neck is fairly ridiculous. In my view, trying a sweater around your neck is similar to wearing a pair of pants over your foot. I know rich people enjoy the feeling of a neck sweater because it's as if they are being hugged by Tommy Hilfiger all damn day, but as I super rich person myself, I don't see the point. I'd rather hand my sweater over to Regibald (I took two mediocre butlers named Reginald and Archibald and molded them into one super butler) instead.]

"Multi-grain has held me back from reaching my full potential," the talented third-generation performer stated in a press conference held at WWE Headquarters.

(Ooooooh, bread. A bread reference for the game, the set, and the match. Is it any "Wonder" why I'm the best professional wrestling analyst on the internet today? What do they call a million dollars soaked in lemon juice? Sour dough. I'm sorry. I'll be in the corner if you need me.)

White has relocated from El Paso, Texas to a home in Freedomtown, America constructed of white picket fences and apple pie siding. He has halted communications with his friends, as well as his own family. His father, Chavo Guerrero, Sr., was unable for comment. On the other hand, his uncle Eddie responded by taking his remaining supply of Latino Heat and canning it in his basement for later use. On the word from friends close to Eddie, he is quite concerned about Chavo's sudden interest in white America and their insane prices of Latino Heat at $65 dollars per barrel.

(Oooooh, moving days. One day, I'm going to leave my Canadian igloo--where I do nothing but watch hockey, tap maple syrup from trees, and wrestle in Stu Hart's Dungeon against dragons--and move to Freedomtown, America. I hope they have a strict set of rules and regulations in Freedomtown, America. I can't wait to be dictated.)

With that said, the career and sucess of Kerwin White will not be a solitary venture. He has recently called upon the services of a previous ally that is sure to shock and amaze a lot of wrestling fans. Who is it? That individual is none other than the late Pepe, his noble steed from the defunct World Championship Wrestling promotion. He was brought back to life mere hours ago by Mike Wazowski and Sulley from the Pixar motion picture Monsters, Inc. The two computer-generated creatures pieced Pepe together from the remaining scraps found in the aftermath of the WCW wood chipper incident which occurred several years ago. The accident left the former Chavo Guerrero heartbroken, distraught, and slightly less charismatic.

(Ooooooh, memories. When I look back at Chavo Guerrero's run in WCW, I get depressed. Say what you will about the way WCW was run, but during its peak, the company was full of great talent and unique personalities. If you can't admit the fact that hobby horses make wrestling entertaining, you will not be receiving my Christmas card this winter. Next year, when I form my own wrestling company from the spare change I find beneath my sofa cushions, my first order of business will involve the act of giving each wrestler a hobby horse. If they cannot become successful with a hobby horse valet, they are not meant for this business.)

"I'm glad he has returned. It's too early to tell, but I'm sure he's excited to finally be on the right side. From this day forward, let me say that World Wrestling Entertainment is in for a 'Caucasian Invasion.' Am I right? You know what I'm talking about? That's not something in my eye; I'm winking at you. Do you hear me? Those two words rhymed and I used them together. Can I get some love in this mother? Anyone?" White added.

"..." said Pepe, who doesn't speak, think, or have emotions. When another question was asked in his direction, Pepe just stared blindly into space, apparently wondering about all the great things to come.

(Ooooooh, horses. Pepe was a wise horse. He told his followers about how the world came to be. Furthermore, he was a modern day prophet. He predicted the first five American Idols and the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election. To my dismay, Vince McMahon refuses to release a DVD set on Pepe's illustrious career. Then again, the piece would probably be like "The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior." How the frick could Pepe self-destruct, Vince? Pepe didn't even get the chance to self-destruct. The wood chipper destroyed him first, man. How can Vince be so cruel to wooden sticks that kind of resemble barnyard animals?)

Pepe is expected to join Chavo Guerrero in all aspects of his life. If he does denounce his roots of being a horse on a stick, some say he will change his name to Chesterfield Flannigan. Also, insider sources claim that a tennis racquet or golf club (maybe a driver, but definitely not a putter) could possibly be included to Chesterfield's person to resemble a tail, but nothing is concrete as this time. However you may put it, Chavo and Chesterfield are a duo that will surely change and shake up the foundation of RAW for many millennia.

(Ooooooh, ooooooh. Former Spirit Squad member Nick Nemeth served as Kerwin White's caddy during the gimmick's brief stint on RAW television. Since Pepe's resurrection was not a part of WWE's plan, I would have liked to have seen Nick dress himself up as a horse. With Nick in costume, Kerwin White could have rode him down to the ring. Horses are synonymous with polo, but Kerwin was white. As we all know, rich white people like to do anything that rich white stereotypes like to do. In ascending order, they love to golf, play polo, and ride grown men in horse costumes to satisfy their esquestrian-themed fetishes.)

"As the new and improved Kerwin White, I am really looking forward to becoming WWE World Champion." said Kerwin before reporters left in their respective news ROFLcopters.

(Ooooooh, sidebar. Before I forget, rich white people like to ride grown men dressed in helicopter costumes too. They call it "Bareback Choppering." Splendid. Glorious. They should go right ahead and do whatever that entails.)

This WWEek in RAWWE Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Chavo Guerrero, now known as Kerwin White, once lied to, cheated on, then stole your heart?

A: Yes, and I'll never get it back.


Sing, Skank, Sing:
Christy Hemme for $250,000 RAW Devo Search

(In 2004, Christy Hemme won the first installment of the WWE Diva Search, a contest to determine the next girl to have a sloppy match at a WrestleMania. Unlike fellow competitors Carmella DeCesare, the black hole of charisma, and Joy Giovanni, also known as the Big Show's friend, Hemme ran with her spastic persona all the way to the quarter-million-dollar finish. Although Hemme is not with World Wrestling Entertainment in 2008, memories of her frightening screams of jubilation will ring in my nightmares for the rest of my life. Thank you, Christy Hemme. May you find success and happiness with your impressive body and equally impressive forehead. Please give some of your forehead to the unfortunate women you meet, unlucky to sport twoheads and threeheads.)

(NEW YORK, NY)--Are you an attractive woman? Do you have curves in all the right places? Can guys put their thing in your thing? Are you looking to win a lot of money because of it? If you're willing to wear an energy dome on top of your head too, this may be the contest for you.

(After three years of hard work, I am only able to say, "Absolutely," to three of the four questions. By 2010, looks like my thing will be good to go. Best of luck... to my thing.)

Christy Hemme, the winner of the first RAW Diva Search in 2004, is slated to be the host of yet another quarter-million dollar WWE reality competition. Hemme, a Smackdown diva, will be traded back to RAW sometime within the next few weeks in order to fulfill her duties as host. She will then be traded back to Smackdown, then back to RAW by the end of the month.

(If you ask me--and you do every single day--WWE drafts are pointless. When RAW and Smackdown were differentiated as two brands in 2002, the draft had purpose. Because the rosters were fixed, RAW wrestlers were relegated to RAW and the Smackdown wrestlers were relegated to Smackdown, which kept talent to wrestle on their designated show. Now, one wrestler appears three times per week without notice, despite the fact that he is only assigned to one brand.

RAW gets the better everything anyway. Last year, RAW took my plasma television, seven of my eight girlfriends, and my masculinity. In turn, Smackdown took one of my electric toothbrush batteries for the afternoon.)

Whether the competition is a success or a failure is unknown, but WWE fans of all ages are surely in store for the treatiest of all treats. This year, WWE will begin an extensive search for a female version of the popular synth rock band Devo.

This news means that not one but five women will each be in the running for the $250,000 prize; a grand total of 1.25 million dollars. The event is expected to be one of the most prestigious and lucrative projects in WWE history. During the contest, the competitors will play various musical instruments and perform on RAW on a weekly basis. For the eventual winners, their actual duties are not as linear. Mandatory activities of the chosen female quintet will consist of the following:

1) Stand there and look good
2) Pretend to do stuff and stand there while looking good
3) Perform the hit songs "Working In A Coal Mine" and "Whip It" on the spoons and or milk jug while clad in yellow jumpsuits (if they aren't sleepy or hungry or achy in the back area, and feel like it)

(Sometimes, WWE Divas fail to stand there and look good, which is a shame. Yes, they can pretend to do stuff because they have dedicated their lives to pretending to do stuff, but they must possess some athletic ability too. World Wrestling Entertainment needs to be smart about the women they allow into the Diva Search contest. More Ashley Massaros and less everybody else. What the world needs now is more Ashley Massaros. Hear, hear, I say.)

"Money! Glorious money! Presidents are in every nook and cranny!" said a giggling Vince McMahon, lying provocatively on his bed, drowning in various amounts of United States currency. (Note: For those that wish to watch the video message recorded in Vince's Stamford, Connecticut home, the footage can be found on the official WWE website sometime later this week.)

(Do I think Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars? No, I don't think at all. Maybe you want me to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars. Why do you want me to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars? What kind of person are you? A pervert? Only people who hate America are perverts. Are you anti-American? Only terrorists want others to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars. Take your banana boat back to Botswana, hater and traitor.)

As a result of the Devo Search, McMahon is expected to release each and every female wrestler in the company, and even some male wrestlers who have feminine tendencies like Trevor Murdoch, in the weeks to come. Meanwhile, stockholders are very excited about this venture as it is their opportunity to witness the McMahon family happily receive substantial cash bonuses. "Maybe they can finally buy those mansion-powered jet skis they've always wanted," said one stockholder in a recent interview I conducted from his cardboard box, made to look like a one bedroom apartment. Next, the stockholder handed me his remaining possessions, which included a half-roll of masking tape and a case of Kraft Handi-Snacks' Cheese and Crackers. In return, I had to promise him that I would not, under any circumstance, let him pawn them for "delicious dog food" or gas money.

(Out of the entire McMahon clan, I'm guessing Shane McMahon likes to use mansion-powered jet skis the most. For optimum performance, mansion-powered jet skis need to run on ten mansions, preferably owned by mediocre athletes. By default, Shane seems pretty daredevilish. After all, he gingerly falls from very high places. Gingerly falling from very high places makes him a risk taker and a fantastic wrestler. I don't know how falling from high places makes him so great. I just know.)

Overall, Christy Hemme seems to be the most excited about the competition. "The Devo Search will no doubt be tremendous and stupendous! And that's the bottom of the line, cause The Christy told you in that specific manner!" yelled Hemme at nobody in particular. She was later seen skipping along a meadow and blowing kisses at random objects for three days straight to her entrance music. Authorities do not know where she was headed. If you have any leads, please call 1-800-SHE-IS-A-CRAZY-ARSE-REDHEAD-AND-I-AM-SCARED immediately. You do not need to give your name, but there is a reward of upwards and including a half-roll of masking tape and a case of Kraft Handi-Snacks' Cheese and Crackers if you do.

(As a former WWE Diva and current TNA Knockout, Christy Hemme is spunky. She is almost as spunky as Snitsky. Almost. If you place Christy Hemme next to Snitsky, you will confuse me and I will most likey pee a little in my pantaloons in confusion. On second thought, Christy Hemme and Snitsky would make an effective tag team. I urge World Wrestling Entertainment to sign Hemme up. Christy Hemme and Gene Snitsky would be like the Gymini, but not as intriguing.)

The Devo Search tentatively starts in the third week of October and ends next April as the main event of Wrestlemania 22 from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois.

This WWEek in RAWWE Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Christy Hemme, the winner of the first RAW Diva Search, is actually a renegade cop sent from the future, hired to save our civilization from an evil super cyborg entitled CG3-44, determined to rid earth of all pep and sassiness?

A: Yeah, I kind of did actually. Thanks for asking.

(Breaking news: World Wrestling Entertainment has signed CG3-44 to a development contract. He will be sent to Florida Championship Wrestling for seasoning, then debut for Extreme Championship Wrestling as John James, a happy-go-lucky cyborg who loves to wrestle and doesn't care if he wins or loses. Maybe they can add him as the third member to Christy Hemme and Gene Snitsky's tag team. Together, the three would be like the Fabulous Freebirds, except more hairy.)

Monday, April 14, 2008

Appropriate Wrestling in Inappropriate Places: Former ECW Mainstay Jerry Lynn Wants His...

Former ECW Mainstay Jerry Lynn Wants His... Nickel Back



Knox, Knox. Who’s there? Steroids in my former home.


Go up the esquelator and get me some nuggrets.

WrestleMania XXIV: "I'm Sorry. I Love You." (Part 2)

When I look back on March 30th, 2008, I cannot help but reminisce. That Sunday, I saw “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair wrestle for the very last time until he returns in about two months or so. I witnessed internet darling and former independent wrestling superstar CM Punk shock everyone to win Jeff Hardy’s Money in the Bank briefcase, which he will use to gain a shot at the prestigious World Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania XXV. Lastly, I saw Kim Kardashian, an international celebrity whose posterior is sure to be a future member of the WWE Hall of Fame. On a night of everlasting memories, I felt like a kid in a candy store, but the candy store did not sell candy; it sold memories.

In about two hundred years, I will get old and grey. On my rickety porch, I will sit in my rocking chair and try to remember the better days. Although these WrestleMania moments will fade from my mind, I will make sure to tell my children and grandchildren about the legend of the Pay-Per-View before I bow out of this world with dignity and grace, two qualities synonymous with this here blog. May the Stephens and Stephanies of tomorrow be aware that WrestleMania XXIV showcased more immortals than you can shake an immortal stick at. And, may they know that Jerry Lawler likes every song that becomes the soundtrack to a WWE event and Raven Symoné. I get it, Lawler. You have terrible taste in music and you like boobies. Can we move on now?

Pope Todd Grisham III Interviews Edge

The Pope Todd Grisham III speculates about possible WrestleMania moments to come. I see blue smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney. This blue smoke means that Pope Todd Grisham III is having pancakes for dinner. Spread the word.

Edge enters the shot with his shiny WCW belt and declares that there will be more history to come tonight. He takes the Pope Todd Grisham III on a trip down memory lane, back to WrestleMania VI and the death of Hulkamania. Edge claims that his innocence was lost at that WrestleMania. Where did WrestleMania VI touch you, Edge? Similar to himself way back when, the World Heavyweight Champion speculates that the optimistic young fan counts on Undertaker to win at WrestleMania, but he will pluck the innocence out of that child when he beats the Deadman. Where did Edge touch you, hypothetical little boy?


With “Snow (Hey Oh)” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and “Light It Up” by Rev Theory in the background, Jim Ross talks about the “majedry” of WrestleMania XXIV. If you like absurd pyro displays, this is the pyro display for you. Hey, I was about to use that pyro to feed my family. What am I going to use now? Food.? What good will that do?

Playboy BunnyMania Tag Team Match
WWE Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina vs. 2008 Playboy Covergirl Maria and 2007 Playboy Covergirl Ashley

Holy son of the Pope Todd Grisham III, Snoop Dogg, the BunnyMania Master of Ceremonies, has a Mercedes pimp cart. S-N-DOUBLE O-P-M-O-B-I-L-E, M-O-B-I-L-E. Snoop Dogg drives his cart down the ramp to lead the lumberjills to the ring, taking five millenniums to do so. He must have one of those hybrid pimp carts that run on 50% hydrogen and 50% pimp juice. Jim Ross states that Snoop Dogg called him his “dawg” earlier that day. I done told you. I done told you, son. Jim Ross and Snoop Dogg are best friends for life. They play squash and everything.

Your lumberjills are: Kelly Kelly, Victoria, Maryse, Layla, Cherry, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, Eve and what appears to be Katie Lea Burchill. I’m going to guess it’s Katie Lea Burchill because this girl has light brown hair and looks like she wants to have intimate relations with her storyline brother.

Snoop Dogg announces the first team as “Two Fly Honeys Who Are All About The Playboy Bunny.“ For a second there, I thought he said two-ply. To my disappointment, Ashley and Maria do not come out in Playboy Bunny outfits. As a quick side note, if I have learned anything from Ashley Massaro and Maria Kanellis in this lifetime, it is that I too can compete in a WrestleMania match if I pose for Playboy. Since I am not a woman, I don’t know if I can pose for Playboy, but I’m going to try. My favourite brushes in the whole entire world are airbrushes.

Snoop introduces their opponents as “Vicious and Delicious,” which means that Scott Norton and Buff Bagwell are making surprise WrestleMania appearances. Actually, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina make their way down the aisle with Santino Marella in tow, dressed in a boa. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina hold feathery wings, similar to the ones seen on the headdresses of Las Vegas showgirls. Meanwhile, Snoop Dogg sits at ringside on his pimp chair. I have no words or sentences.

To start, Ashley, the technical marvel, takes on Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon with elbows and a hurricanrana pin attempt. As their respective partners tag in, Maria chucks Melina out of the ring to get semi-pummelled by the faces. With Melina back inside, Maria executes a Bronco Buster in the corner. It didn’t work for X-Pac, Torrie Wilson, or Stephanie McMahon. When Maria pulls off the Bronco Buster, the streak continues. She lifts Melina up and wanders to her corner. Ashley slaps Maria on the shoulder to tag into the match or strike Melina on the butt by accident. Then, Ashley hits Melina to strike her on the butt or tag into the match by accident. Ashley never fails to amaze the world. Ashley for President of the Galaxy in 2012.

Ashley attacks Melina with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors and a front facebuster from a middle rope mount position. Behind the referee’s back, Melina counters a move by shoving Ashley into Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon’s shoulder in a sloppy manner. The heel divas semi-pummel Ashley on the outside before sending her back into the ring. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon hoists Melina on her shoulders and flips her onto Ashley for an assisted moonsault that almost murders everyone in sight. Maria is able to break up the count before three.

Ashley tags her partner, but a blackout occurs during Maria’s comeback. I think the Citrus Bowl is on a bathroom break or a beer run as well. The emergency spotlight, also known as the Citrus Bowl’s nightlight to prevent bad dreams, turns on to let fans witness Maria use pseudo-Trish Stratus moves. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon lifts Maria up for a move, but she counters with a Rey Mysterio-esque bulldog. Make up your mind, Maria. Who are you going to copy? Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon fails to connect with a charge to the ropes and collides with Melina instead. At ringside, Ashley flies off the apron with a cross body on the heel divas. If Ric Flair bleeds in almost every match, let it be said that Ashley injures herself in almost every match. Alas, she did not injure herself with that move, but it was close. If you are disturbed with the fact that I compared Ashley Massaro to Ric Flair, go right ahead and be disturbed. I’m not stopping you.

Back in the ring, Maria uses a top turnbuckle bulldog on Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon. Before three, Santino pulls Maria off the pin. Jerry Lawler stands up for Maria and all wrestling Playboy Bunnies by walking over to Santino and punching him in his Italian face. I’m a big fan of Jerry Lawler being a big fan of Raven Symoné. A final return to the ring allows Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon to pin Maria with the assistance of the Fisherwoman's Buster.

During the post-match celebration, Santino taunts a fallen Maria. As Santino spins around, Snoop Dogg enters the ring and knocks him down with an amazingly strong clothesline. Next, Snoop Dogg awards himself with a disturbing make out session featuring one Maria Kanellis. And with that visual, I take back my request for a match at WrestleMania. Snoop Dogg is cool and all, but nobody wants that WrestleMania
moment. Nobody, except Snoop.

Objection, World Wrestling Entertainment. Objection.

Overall, this match should have been Santino Marella versus Snoop Dogg. The end.

Winner: Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina: Friend of Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon
Rating: *½

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Randy Orton (c) vs. Triple H vs. John Cena

WWE Championship Match Entrances at a Glance:
1) A marching band plays “My Time Is Now” as John Cena’s fight song. Cena sprints down the ring, pastier than usual. Since I am a fan of college fight music, Cena gets a pass.
2) Triple does nothing new for his entrance. I suppose he appears with a new bottle of water, but that observation does not count nor is it humourous. I have failed you.
3) Randy Orton walks down the ramp with the WWE Championship over his shoulder. This entrance is equal in innovation to Triple’s, yet Orton gets the opportunity to look at both opponents with scepticism. Oh, no. Two opponents is more than one. If Randy isn’t careful, he might have to face Lilian too.

After the in-ring introductions, Orton snatches the belt away from the referee and hits Hunter in the face with it. Of course, this sneaky move means that Cena is the first on offense with a bulldog and a fisherman’s suplex that looks more like a vertical suplex. Triple H returns to the ring and throws Cena out because three people cannot fight at once. If three people cannot fight at once, World Wrestling Entertainment, how come humans were born with two hands? If you don’t know the answer, humans were born with two hands to fight two other people. Everybody knows this fact. I heard it in the audio version of the Bible once. Hunter takes Randy to the ECW announce table, attacks him on it, then returns him back to the ring. Hunter’s indecisiveness is pretty extreme. It's a shame that he doesn't work Tuesdays.

With Orton in the sleeper, Cena interrupts Hunter’s rest hold and attempts to FU both men, but Triple H escapes and kicks Cena in the midsection/ball section. Once Hunter taunts Cena, Orton catches him in the “Above Average” Mike Sanders 3.0. If you don’t know Mike Sanders, you are no chum of mine, chum. Orton attacks Hunter and Cena with a Garvin Stomp each. Next, Cena and Orton battle on the turnbuckles until Hunter hoists Cena on his shoulders. Orton executes a cross body, only for Cena to roll through with superhuman strength for another FU attempt that proves to be unsuccessful.

For my favourite move of WrestleMania XXIV, Orton drapes Cena and Triple H over the middle rope and executes a double DDT. To my recollection, Rob Van Dam took that DDT the best. Plus, I liked the way he took the RKO. Now that I think of it, WWE should hire RVD and have him work a lighter schedule, just so he can make Orton’s moves look devastating. They can pay him in comic books constructed with hemp paper. As Orton goes for the RKO, Cena counters and Randy ends up elbowing Hunter on the way down.

As Triple H rolls out of the ring, Cena puts Orton in the STFU in the center of the mat. Every time he locks on that submission, Cena appears as though he is making angry man love to his opponent. As we all know, there is nothing wrong with angry man love, but I don’t need to see it happen at WrestleMania. Angry man love is for the Great American Bash and the Great American Bash only. Hunter helps Orton to the ropes, punches Cena to break the submission, and throws him into the steel steps outside. Triple cinches in a submission hold of his own with an Indian Deathlock. Cena comes back to whip Hunter up and over the ropes to put Orton in the STFU once more. Brother needs some angry man love like whoa. Hunter returns and gets Cena in a crossface. While I like the crossface, I am not ready to see it used on a regular basis yet. Cena’s will to compete or desire to touch snazzy orange objects lets him squirm over to the ropes for the break. You’re not the only one who loves those ropes. They be freaking greatness.

Cena and Hunter exchange several “Boo!” and “Yay!” punches until Cena gains the upper hand with the Protoplex. The controversial John Cena utilizes his controversial Five Knuckle Shuffle to take out Hunter in controversial fashion. Cena lifts Hunter over his controversial shoulders for the FU, but Triple H slides off for a try at the controversial Pedigree. As Cena counters with a controversial FU attempt, Hunter counters with a kick that faces minimal scrutiny. Six out of seven controversies is not a bad number. I want seven, though.

Cena misses a clothesline off the ropes and Hunter comes back with a spinebuster. He fights off Orton on the apron, then walks into another FU attempt. This time, Triple H slides off and executes
the Pedigree. While he waits for the three count, Randy Orton shows up and punts Hunter in his Face of Faces. Orton wins before Hunter can recover.

An awesome finish coated in stupendous sauce.

After the bout, Randy Orton kisses the belt with great passion, but does not go overboard with the smooching like Snoop Dogg. Thank you, Randy. Surely, this battle was no Hunter/Benoit/Michaels from WrestleMania XX. With that said, I enjoyed this match, especially Orton’s story and the ending. Hip hip hooray for life.

Winner: Randy Orton
Rating: ***½

“The Greatest Fighter in the World” Versus “The Largest Athlete in the World”
Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Big Show

If I had the choice between being the greatest fighter or the largest athlete in the world, I’d rather be the former. Since I have lost five hundred pounds with my Bowflex, I have given all of my largest athlete clothes to all of my largest athlete friends. Let’s hope they enjoy my bike shorts.

Big Show comes out ready to fight. You can tell he’s ready because he looks mad. Big Show raises his hand to the sky, which sets off a pyro display. Man, what doesn’t set off a pyro display? If I was there and I chose to wear a sweater rather than a jacket, would I get pyro? I hope so.

Accompanied by members of Mayweather Productions, Floyd’s entrance begins with a money shower on the audience. Unlike Donald Trump’s Titantron appearance on Raw last year, Mayweather’s dollar-dollars are not real. For those of you who have attained Mayweather money as souvenirs, I suggest that you try to use them at various establishments. Start small with a ninety-nine cent store, then work your way up to ninety-nine million dollar store. Good luck to you all. Mayweather emerges from the back with his posse. He is adorned in red boxing gloves and a velour/leather/fur get-up. While I can’t explain his look in accurate terms, his appearance is similar to a box of Neapolitan ice cream, if you were colourblind or thought everything in life related to zebras. If you enjoy the word pictures I am painting with my writing, please tell your friends. In the ring, Floyd’s hand gestures spark a pyro display. No fair. As I write this review, I still don’t have one.

In the first minute of the match, Floyd uses his quickness to make the Big Show look like a fool. He evades an attack in the corner and punches Big Show several times in the midsection as Big Show jabs the air above Mayweather. If Big Show does not know how to angle his punches down, he deserves to lose. Floyd proceeds to strike Show in the face with rapid right and left jabs, then takes a break in the corner by drinking from a pimp cup. If pimps drink from a pimp cup, hoes must drink from a ho tumbler, but I digress. Big Show reacts to the time-out by attacking one handler from Mayweather Productions who has provided Floyd with the pimp cup. Aw, man. Look what you did. I’m not going to clean it up for I am a pimp. Are you, Big Show? An infuriated Show hip tosses Mayweather’s pal into the ring and slaps him in the corner with his skillet-like hand. I don’t care what you do; you’re cleaning that mess, Show. Do you want to go to McDonald's or not?

Big ups to jewel-encrusted cups.

As Mayweather goes for another combination, Show grabs his hands and sets them down to the mat. He tries to stomp on them but Mayweather gets away. Mayweather is speedy for a box of zebra-flavoured Neapolitan ice cream. Big Show sits Floyd on the top turnbuckle, then Mayweather counters Show with punches and a sleeper. Big Show drops to a knee but manages to release the hold and put the boots to Mayweather’s hand--Floyd‘s money-makers, if you will. Mayweather’s white-suited manager tells Big Show that “He can’t be doin’ that.” Big Show won’t listen, guy. He still hasn’t cleaned up the pimp cup spill. Where are his manners? That’s it. He’s not getting a Happy Meal. Show’s offense continues with a chest slap that echoes throughout the outdoor arena. He follows up that move by standing on Floyd. Apparently, he can’t be doin’ that. He can’t be doin’ that. He can’t do that. Pick it up, Floyd. It’s fo’ yo’ kids. The ref don't care about no kids.

The crowd gets into the action as Big Show sets down Floyd with a sideslam. The white-suited manager doesn’t say a thing, which must mean that Big Show can be doin’ that. For the second time, Big Show steps on Mayweather as Lawler says, “He can’t be doing this.” What in the hell can he do? Everything is frowned upon. Right in front of Mayweather’s crew, Big Show drops a large elbow, but they pull Floyd out of the ring before he do more damage. Supposedly, say that “they out.” While Mayweather Productions walk to the back, Big Show runs after them and takes Floyd back to the ring. Big Show prepares for the Chokeslam but another handler hits him in the back with a chair. Show gives the handler the Chokeslam instead, then Floyd strikes Show in the gut with the chair. Big Show counters with a hand to the throat, only for Floyd to low blow Show in his small attractions. To be honest, Floyd can’t be doin’ that. Floyd levels Show with numerous shots to the head and finishes him off with a brass knuckles knockout to the chin. Jim Ross declares that Floyd can do that because it’s “anything goes.” You can’t be sayin’ that. Show tries to get to his feet before the ten count but fails. Victory is yours, Floyd. Use it wisely.

I wouldn’t call this a wrestling match, but Mayweather versus Show was great entertainment. You couldn’t have asked for better performances as everyone played their roles well, including Floyd’s crew. Unlike some members of the World Wrestling Entertainment roster, Mayweather just gets it. He knows how to put on a show. I call upon Floyd Mayweather to create a stable with Kevin Federline immediately.

Winner: Floyd Mayweather
Rating: ***

WrestleMania XXV Promo

WrestleMania XXV comes to you live from Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas on April 5, 2009. WrestleMania XXV is brought to you by Kid Rock’s song “Cowboy,” for World Wrestling Entertainment loves to stay current with the music scene. Where’s Limp Bizkit at? What’s up with my boys Chumbawumba?

Guest Hostess Kim Kardashian Keeps Up With A WrestleMania XXIV Attendance Announcement

Kim Kardashian announces that WrestleMania XXIV has set a new Citrus Bowl attendance record of 74,635 people. She orders the crowd to stand up and give themselves round of applause for existing as human beings. Girl, did you learn anything from Raven Symoné? Dang. She adds, “It’s big, that’s really big.” That’s what she said… when she announced a new attendance record.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Title Versus Streak
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker

For the Deadman’s entrance, the druids come out in their black coats and flaming sticks. I don’t know what they’re chanting, so I’m going to assume that they’re performing the Saved By The Bell theme. What can he say? Undertaker digs Nerdstrom. With his sleeveless Ministry coat on his person, Undertaker makes his chilling entrance down the ramp through fire, smoke, and a whole bunch of lights. Personally, I did not enjoy the Ministry incarnation of the Undertaker because I don’t like Tom Cruisian Witchcraft, but to each his own. Cole says, “The magnificence that is the fabled, the legendary, the Undertaker.” What a weirdo.

You think you know him. Edge strolls out through a cloud of thick smoke as his entrance theme says, “On this day, I see clearly.” No, that’s not true. He has 55% visibility at best. Smackdown Wheelchair Pusher Theodore R. Long assists Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero to the top of the ramp. Vickie and Edge share a passionate kiss before the champion leaves to defend his title. Seriously, even that kiss was better than Snoop’s public display of affection. Edge’s entrance receives an elaborate pyro display. Does that shock you? Of course it does with the grandeur and the magic and splendor and what not.

Jonathan Coachman will be the colour commentator for your WrestleMania XXIV main event. Oh, hamburgers and hot dogs. Edge starts with right hands galore, but Undertaker fights back with a clothesline to the mat and a second one that sends Edge to the outside. Edge attempts to pull Undertaker back into the ring, but his opponent counters with a stunner on the top rope. Is that Vintage Undertaker, Cole? No? How about a leaping clothesline? Yes? Alright then.

The Michael Cole-ism checklist is as follows:
- “Vintage Undertaker.”
- “Classic Undertaker.”
- “Undertaker is the best pure striker in the history of sports entertainment.”
- “Edge is the ultimate opportunist.”
- “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’ve got love in my tummy and feel like loving you.”

I predict that Michael Cole will go five for five at this WrestleMania. Good for him. That’s interesting. That’s interesting. An Old School attempt is countered by Edge, which is then countered again into an arm drag. He can’t be doin’ that. Wait, that’s the wrong match. My apologies. While Undertaker connects with a high knee, the momentum takes him all the way down to ringside. With Undertaker on the apron, Edge spears him. At what point will moves be considered as “Vintage Edge?” If anything, this one is the move. Edge executes a neat little spinning neckbreaker to the top rope. As the current WWE Championship has taught us, spinning things are better than stationary things.

Edge attacks Undertaker in the corner with a second spear and a dropkick. Edge’s spear is one of the least impressive spears in the business, but he gets away with it because he brings so much else to the wrestling table. As Edge climbs to the top turnbuckle, Undertaker shoves him off and does an athletic yet predictable suicide dive, up and over the top rope to the floor. Though I find the move exciting, he needs to do something different to get my attention. Perhaps he bakes a cake in mid-air. I don’t know. Undertaker continues to punish Edge with a leg drop on the apron, which Coachman deems as a “dropkick.” These great calls are the reason why he gets paid the big bucks. I want him to do the Charleston again.

Due to his injured back, Undertaker buckles under Edge’s weight for the Last Ride. Edge takes advantage of his opponent’s weakness by kicking the Deadman in his dead face. At ringside, Edge back body drops Undertaker on the edge of the barricade. Even though the barricade is padded and this is a scripted sport, I’m going to say, “Ow.” To subdue the challenger, Edge uses a Half Boston Crab. With this submission, Michael Cole calls Edge a “master psychologist.” What a master weirdo.

As Undertaker breaks the hold, they exchange a flurry of right hands. Undertaker gains momentum with a set of running clothesline and a snake eyes drop. Soon enough, Edge returns on the offensive with a dropkick. The back and forth moves continue as Undertaker tries to pull off the chokeslam twice, only for Edge to counter with an Edge-O-Cution from the days of yore. After a near-three count, Undertaker blocks the spear with a knee and takes Edge down with a Chokeslam. To the surprise of Cole, Coachman, and myself, Edge kicks out. Undertaker looks for Old School but Edge dead crotches the Deadman on the top rope and pulls off a superplex for another near fall. So far, this match is good, but several levels under Ric Flair’s bout with Michaels, at least in terms of emotion.

With Edge perched on the middle rope, Undertaker holds him up for the Last Ride. Edge escapes and executes a neck breaker for the two-point-seven-five count. Prior to this match, Undertaker and Edge coated themselves in butter in order to counter each other’s moveset with fluidity and efficiency. Undertaker returns the favour by countering a back body drop attempt with a successful Last Ride. The Spirit Squad in the crowd is pleased, as am I. At the same time, Mitch still sucks.

Undertaker signals for the Tombstone, but Edge counters with the Edge-O-Matic of an era long, long ago. With the third try, Undertaker finally connects with Old School. As he bounces off the ropes, his kick accidentally connects with Smackdown referee Jimmy Corderas. Rest in peace, Jimmy Corderas. Undertaker is 15.25-0 at WrestleMania. With the referee down, Edge low blows the Deadman and hits him with a camera, which I doubt is high-definition. Edge tries the finish him off with a Tombstone but Undertaker counters with one of this own. In dire need of a referee, Charles Robinson sprints down the ramp like an Ultimate Charles Robinson and counts a two-point-eight-zero count. Next, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins run to the ring like a couple of foolish fools. Undertaker greets either Zack or Curt by chokeslamming one onto the other on the outside. Once Undertaker turns around, Edge nails him with a spear for a two-point-nine-nine count. Towards the finish, Edge strives to get the win with another spear. As he pulls it off, Undertaker captures Edge in the Gogoplata for the tapout. Somewhere in the back, Michelle McCool is McPleased. Cole says, “The immortal Undertaker‘s fabled streak continues at WrestleMania.” Yes, it does, but still--what a fabled weirdo.

While I thought Undertaker was going to win, I applaud WWE for instilling some doubt in me with Edge’s exciting set of near falls in the last five minutes. At 16-0, I think WWE needs to keep that streak going until Undertaker has twenty wins. Some claim that Undertaker is old, but he’s an undead living zombie guy thing who does MMA moves. He’s more than immortal. I see him wrestling for another five or five thousand years until he puts the urn on the mantle.

Kudos to undead living zombie guy things. To celebrate, let’s badly burn the audience.

Winner: Undertaker
Rating: ***½

The Verdict: Pyro display. Not as good as WrestleMania 22, but better than WrestleMania 23. When it comes down it, Santino should have faced Snoop Dogg. I would have paid quintuple moneys to see that match. Also, pyro display.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Appropriate Wrestling in Inappropriate Places: Tenay & West Are...

Tenay & West are... SUPERBAD



The conclusion to WrestleMania XXIV.


If it’s true a wire runs through each thing we do.

WrestleMania XXIV: "I'm Sorry. I Love You." (Part 1)

According to the famous tagline, WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. Over the years, superstars such as Hulk Hogan, “The Macho Man” Randy Savage, The Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak have cemented their place in the annals of professional wrestling history. At WrestleMania, boys with dreams of gold and stardom become men with excessive income at their disposable and inflated egos. On March 30th, 2008, the Citrus Bowl was home to the grandest stage of them all. As the first outdoor WrestleMania since the universally praised WrestleMania IX, the best WrestleMania ever to feature Jim Ross in a seductive toga, WrestleMania XXIV delivered many memorable moments. When I grow old and senile, I will never forget that time when that guy took that other guy to that place with the thing. Every day for the remainder of my life, the vision of those two people engaging in stuff will never leave my mind.

As the planet turns on its axis and World Wrestling Entertainment treks towards the next installment of WrestleMania, I will take a look back at this year’s spectacular. Was it better than WrestleMania 23? Did it hold a candle to WrestleMania X-Seven, or was it an inefficient candelabra by night’s end? Did Edge defeat the WrestleMania streak? Did Shawn Michaels take Old Yeller behind the woodshed? Did Freddie Prinze Jr. show up? All these questions and more will be answered in the near to distant future.

“America the Beautiful” by John Legend

Four jet planes fly over an overcast sky to cues Lilian Garcia’s introduction. Lilian Garcia is unwilling to speak into microphones unless jet plans fly over an overcast sky. John Legend is a five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time Grammy winner and a multi-platinum singer-songwriter, just like Lilian Garcia.

John Legend sings his soulful heart out at his piano before the WrestleMania XXIV stage, which appears to be some sort of high definition hotel. To be honest, WWE’s high definition hotels are too ritzy for me.

Shots representing America include:
1) The Washington Monument
2) Lilian Garcia’s four jet planes--The Flying Garcias
3) John Legend singing in the vicinity of a big screen that shows The Flying Garcias
4) The bottom half of the Statue of Liberty due to the camera sweep
5) The WrestleMania XXIV crowd
6) John Legend again
7) The Iwo Jima Memorial Statue
8) A helicopter flying in the desert
9) John Legend for a third time
10) A g-g-g-g-ghost (I have “visions”)


A lot can happen in a year. Some wrestler says, “WrestleMania,” in a serious tone. A lot can happen in a year. More wrestlers say, "WrestleMania,” in serious tones. In other words, nothing happens in a year. Cyber Sunday.


Belfast Brawl
Finlay vs. JBL

John Johnshaw Johnfield emerges from the JBL limousine door with a blank expression. What has happened to JBL in a year? He means business. Also, he has more knowledge about paternal cases than anyone in the company.

Finlay arrives with fancy orange and white boots. He motions to the back to bring out Hornswoggle. If I was a tough Irish wrestler and father to a leprechaun, I wouldn’t put my son in danger. I would let him gather gold for me instead. JBL reacts to Hornswoggle with a furrowed brow. What a slight change of emotion.

Finlay throws garbage cans into the ring, then slides in a couple of Singapore canes. I don’t think Singapore canes should be allowed in a Belfast Brawl, but what do I know? I’m from Lichtenstein. Once Finlay enters the ring, JBL hits him with a trash can. A trash can isn’t Irish either, but JBL can use it because he’s from New York (by way of Texas). JBL continues to pummel Finlay with a cookie sheet in one hand and a trash can lid in the other. This evening, JBL means serious business and doesn’t need to bake any cookies.

JBL brings the steel stairs, which according to the late Gorilla Monsoon, will kill you if you make eye contact with them. JBL attempts a piledriver on the top step, but Finlay reverses with a back body drop.

Finlay returns the favour with cookie sheet shots of his own. Neither one of these men like cookies. Are they mad? As he gains momentum, JBL stops him in his tracks with a boot to the face. JBL seeks to take out Finlay with the shillelagh, only for Hornswoggle to smack him in the back with a Singapore cane; Finlay follows up by taking JBL out of the ring with a stiff shillelagh shot. For the last time, Singapore canes are not Irish, Hornswoggle. Even if you dipped a Singapore cane in a mug of Guinness, it’d still be a Singapore cane. Plus, you’re a leprechaun. The leprechaun code stresses non-violence.

Finlay rolls JBL into the ring and obtains a table to set up in the corner. The two reverse multiple Irish whip attempts until Finlay nails Bradshaw with a Clothesline from an Irish Place in Ireland. As Finlay strives to hit JBL with the steps, Bradshaw rolls under the bottom rope and slaps Hornswoggle. How dare you, Bradshaw. Finlay retaliates by slamming JBL’s head into the RAW announce table over and over again. How dare you, Finlay. I am disappointed in JBL for his random act of violence; I am disappointed in Finlay for his disregard for the well-being of breakable furniture.

Finlay tries a suicide dive, but Bradshaw blasts him in the head with a trash can lid. In addition, JBL takes his frustrations out on Hornswoggle by throwing a trash can at him. I have no words except shameful laughter. Finlay blocks a Clothesline from Hell with a Trash Can from Another Irish Place in Ireland. More trash can lids shots and a rolling fireman’s carry slam follow. Next, Finlay shoves his opponent through the table in the corner. Meanwhile, I am unhappy with the quality of all WWE breakable tables.

Finlay carries the steps over his head, though Bradshaw manages to strike him in the shins with the Singapore cane. For the finish, JBL jiggles off the ropes with the Clothesline from Hell. In response, Hornswoggle is sad. I am right with you, young leprechaun. This bout was no Belfast Brawl. At this moment, I will provide this match with a lame title to prove its lameness. In the end, Finlay versus JBL was a Lamesauce Lamebrawl from Lame-achusetts. Also, it was Y2Cheap.

Winner: JBL
Rating: **

WrestleMania XXVII's Special Guest Hostess Kim Kardashian Keeps Up with Mr. Kennedy

Reality star, former do-er of Brandy’s younger brother Ray J, and the on-again, off-again love interest of New Orleans Saints’ running back Reggie Bush stands in front of a WrestleMania XXIV backdrop and speaks with the voice of a six-year-old girl. She describes the Money in the Bank Ladder match stipulations with accuracy until Mr. Kennedy interrupts with his big mouth and new warm-up suit. He looks to convince Kim that he will be the winner of this year’s Money in the Bank, but she doesn’t buy it. Look, Mr. Kennedy, if you can’t convince Kim Kardashian, you have already lost.

Money in the Bank 4

John Morrison vs. Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. MVP vs. Chris Jericho

Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) John Morrison poses with his WWE Tag Team Title in slow motion. If you look closely, the Citrus Bowl’s screens at balcony level scroll the name Jim Morrison. John Morrison equals Jim Morrison? I have never made the correlation myself.
2) Carlito comes out in his cartoon shirt. I giggle in the face of wrestlers with cartoon shirts. At least he’s wearing different tights.
3) Shelton Benjamin comes out in gold attire for he is the Gold Standard, sports golden hair, and other gold things. Benjamin gets pyro because there ain’t no stopping’ the grandeur of WrestleMania.
4) CM Punk appears in his new skeleton torso shirt. Nobody will buy his shirt for it is anexoric.
5) Mr. Kennedy comes out in his warm-up suit. He doesn’t get to announce his name because microphones don’t dangle from makeshift WrestleMania roofs. Sorry.
6) United States Champion MVP walks down the ramp from his inflatable tent. He swaggers for he knows that he is the only one who gets to use inflatable tents. In conclusion, inflatable tents make the world a better place. Thank you for listening to my second grade presentation.
7) Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho walks down the aisle in a decorative vest. As you know from his WWE return where he clotheslined a marathon runner, Chris Jericho is a decorative vest fiend.

To start the match, six men exit and fight it out on the outside. MVP takes John Morrison’s ladder and attacks those who try to get back into the ring. MVP celebrates with his ladder by wearing it over his head for a few seconds, then meets Jericho with a larger ladder. Jericho and MVP charge at each other, but Y2J wins out.

Morrison enters the ring and throws the smaller ladder at Jericho’s large ladder. In order to win this match, you must have an undying hatred for ladders. Morrison climbs to the top turnbuckle with the small ladder in his possession and pulls off a moonsault onto the wrestlers at ringside. While the moonsault misses, the move is still fairly cool. The next time a friend of mine asks me to hold his or her newborn in the hospital, I will take the infant and moonsault onto the doctors and nurses. Thank you for the idea, John or Jim Morrison.

Back in the ring, Kennedy and Jericho fight it out. Kennedy reverses Jericho’s slingshot attempt and climbs the ladder. Morrison rides a ladder from the turnbuckle to the middle of the ring and fights with Kennedy under the briefcase. The next time a friend of mine asks me to ride his or her newborn, I will take the infant, ride it to the center of the hospital and punch the doctors and nurses. Thank you again, John or Jim Morrison. Shelton props up another ladder beside the two men. To give a shout out to their best friend forever, Total Nonstop Action, WWE encourages Benjamin to powerbomb Kennedy while Kennedy suplexes Morrison off the ladder. JR calls this move “The Triple Tower of Doom.” Big ups, Sonjay. Holla back, Johnny Devine.

With Benjamin on the ladder, Carlito tries to tip it over, but Shelton manages to stand on the top rope. He shoves the ladder back and knocks Carlito over, then springboards onto a rung. To ruin the spot, Shelton loses his balance and both wrestler and ladder crash to the mat. This time, CM Punk props up a ladder. He fights off Kennedy and snatches Benjamin for the Trip Towards Slumber (Go To Sleep). Once Kennedy steamrolls Punk onto a ladder that lies on the mat, Carlito fights with MVP and Shelton. As Benjamin climbs the ladder, Carlito and Kennedy work as a unit and tip the ladder forward. In the tropical Skittles' “Ow, That Rainbow Tastes Like Crippling Pain” Moment of the Night, Shelton lands back first onto a ladder and breaks it in two. Now I know the ladder was gimmicked, but even I need major surgery for watching this fall.

Carlito is surprised, not Caribbean nor Cool

Back inside the squared circular triangular trapezoid, MVP knocks over the ladder that holds up Jericho, Carlito and Kennedy. He spins around and gets hit by a Morrison ladder throw. Morrison scales up the ladder, but Jericho follows and executes the Walls of Jericho. Now, the ladder version of the Walls of Jericho is super stupendous and all, but Chris does it every ladder match. Does that mean if Jericho invites me over to his place to paint the exterior of his house, and I climb the ladder to reach the nook under his roof, that Jericho will attack me and slap on his trademark submission? Well, no thank you. I decline the hypothetical offer.

Punk and Carlito springboard onto separate rungs to meet Kennedy and Jericho on two ladders. Kennedy takes out Punk with the Mic Check as Carlito gets knocked off, strolls around the ring, and executes the Backstabber on Jericho. I think you're nice guy, Chris Jericho, but if you put me in the Walls of Jericho while I take time out of my busy schedule to paint your house, you deserve the punishment.

All by his lonesome, MVP climbs the ladder and encounters a returning Matt Freakin’ Hardy. The WrestleMania crowd goes nuts and legumes as Matthew runs up the ladder and ruins MVP’s chance at the briefcase with a Twist of Fate. Somewhere in this crazy place we call Earth, Jeffrey Hardy is envious.

With Morrison down in the corner, Jericho wedges a ladder between the first and second rungs of the larger one. He sends Carlito's face into the small ladder, which catapults the ladder upright. While Morrison climbs, Carlito and Jericho tip the ladder over and send him crotch-first on the top rope, right in the dining of hall of John Morrison’s Palace of Wisdom.

Jericho scales the ladder, but Carlito catches up and spits apple in his eye. As Carlito reaches for the briefcase, Kennedy shoves him onto the larger ladder below. CM Punk returns to the ring and hits Kennedy with a ladder of his own, though Jericho uses it against him for the Codebreaker. As far as code breaking techniques go, Jericho’s is primitive at best. Why doesn’t he use a James Bond futuristic watch or something?

Jericho takes ten years to climb the top of the ladder, which gives Punk enough time to punch him. Jericho proves that the briefcase is made of butter as he struggles to smack Punk in the face with it. As he does, Punk stumbles onto the mat and climbs up again. Jericho tries to snatch the briefcase but falls and catches his right leg on a middle rung. With Jericho stuck, Punk takes the briefcase and celebrates. Back in North Carolina, Jeff Hardy wishes to change his name to CM Punk.

In all, an exciting, less chaotic match than last year‘s bout, but one with several mistakes which hurt my viewing experience. If you ask me, I blame Jericho for he is clearly unappreciative of professional wrestling analysts who volunteer to paint his house. Tell you what--Paint­_Your_Own_Damn­_House.222.

Winner: CM Punk
Rating: ***½

Hall of Fame Class of 2008 - Roll Call

Every WrestleMania, Howard Finkel comes out of his cave to announce in front of the world. This year, he casts a shadow, which means that we will see six more months of winter. The class of 2008 is as follows:

1) Jack and Gerry Brisco-Mackman, also known as the Brisco Brothers
2) Gordon Solie, represented by the family of Gordon Solie, Gordon Solie’s family
3) Rocky Johnson because WWE was desperate to have The Rock back on their programming
4) “High Chief” Peter Maivia, represented by his daughter and wife, the latter of whom performs some sort of dance in which she rhythmically squeezes the air
5) Eddie Graham, represented by his son Mike Graham, a failed Alex Trebek impersonator
6) Mae Young, who tries to strip because perverted elderly people are funny, but Mike Graham has seen enough
7) “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, represented by his children, including a pudgy David Flair

Pope Todd Grisham III Interviews Snoopy the Dogg

The Pope of World Wrestling Entertainment, his holiness Todd Grisham, introduces the WrestleMania audience to the Master of Ceremonies for this evening’s Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Match, recording artist and marijuana smoking artist Snoop Dogg. The Pope asks Snoop, “What’s up?” In case you are offended by Pope Todd Grisham using such language from the streets, don’t be. Todd Grisham is a pope. He can do whatever he wants.

Snoop informs Todd that he has found a friend in Festus, who stands beside him stoic and reserved. Santino Marella walks into view to interrupt Snoop Dogg and “Mr. Todd Grishams.” He speculates that Festus has brain damage like Charlie Brown. For your information, "Santino of the Marella," Charlie Brown didn’t have brain damage; he had chronic depression. Santino tries to warn Snoop that he will be present during the match, but Snoop rings the bell. Festus uses his cornfed anger to run Santino off.

When Todd asks where he got the ring bell, Snoop reveals he has a friend in “Mick Fizzle.” Children of North America, refrain from putting “izzle” at the end of words, especially those you include in academic essays. Due to MLA format, teachers do not enjoy such unique language as they prefer you add the formal “eezy.” As Snoop leaves, Foley holds up Mr. Sockizzle and says, “Have a nice dizzle.” People saying things you don't expect them to say are times full of hilarity.

Battle for Brand Supremacy Match
Umaga (RAW) vs. Batista (Smackdown)

William Regal is ten types of awesome

Which brand is the best? I am going to guess ECW. General Managers William Regal and Theodore R. Long are present for the fight. Like always, Batista comes out and shoots imaginary bullets with his imaginary machine gun in front of fiery pyrotechnics. Back in my living room, my imaginary friend, Professor Nathaniel Humperdink, is shot and dies in my arms. Why must you ruin his life, sir? He was about to cure the uncommon cold. This imaginary war of yours has resulted in millions of casualties. I hope you're happy.

As Umaga makes his entrance, Regal announces the Samoan Bulldozer as “Youmanga.” Just in case World Wrestling Entertainment decides to change Umaga’s name to Youmanga, let it be known that I am Youmanga’s number one fan.

At the start, Umaga trades punches with Batista, who evades a running splash in the corner and takes the Bulldozer from Samoa out of the ring with a shoulder block. The next minute, Umaga gains the upper hand with a spinning heel kick in the middle of the ring and a straight kick on the apron. While I have never been to Samoa, if they greet you when you get off the plane with a kick to the face, I am going to book my flight very soon.

In the crowd, five fans are dressed up as the Spirit Squad. I am in favour of fans dressing up as the defunct stable, but remember, the one who dresses up as Mitch buys the tickets, food and drink, and the merchandise for the rest of the group because Mitch sucks. The audience in the first five rows or so begin a catchy “Oo-Oo-Umaga” chant, which makes them automatically legendary. The power of Youmanga is in all us while the power of Batista is in some women and Michael Cole.

Umaga holds Batista down with a nerve hold, the official safe-style, mid-match submission of The Great Khali, Good Khali, Miss Molly Productions and all relative subsidiaries. Umaga uses the undying spirit of his newfound fanbase to execute a forceful Samoan drop, but fails to get the pinfall. Umaga grabs Dave’s throat for the Samoan Spike, but Batista blocks the move, sidesteps another charge in the corner, and pulls off the spinebuster. At the end, the Batista Bomb (Falling Backwards Version) wins out for the one, two, three. Smackdown wins. I told you Jimmy Wang Yang is better than Val Venis. You son of a mother.

Umaga versus Batista had great potential, but Batista is a poo-poo head. If they do face off in rematches in the future, let’s hope they won’t disappoint. One day, Youmanga will have his day in the sun. He will feast on the blood of the Gods and become one himself. Youmanga is Mymanga. Youmanga is Ourmanga. So it is said, so it shall be written and so it shall come to pass.

Winner: Batista (Smackdown)
Rating: **

Big Show wears a 18 EEEEEE, the same size as my codpiece

ECW Championship Match
Chavo Guerrero © vs. Kane

Before WrestleMania XXIV, twenty-four men competed in a battle royal to determine the number one contender to Chavo Guerero’s ECW Championship. With Kane and Mark Henry as the final two, Kane kicked Henry out of the ring like a hefty bag of garbage. Here we come, prestigious title. Go, Kane, go. Be big and or red and or a machine.

As Chavo faces the entrance to await his opponent, Kane slides into the ring from the other side. As Chavo runs at him, Kane takes Chavito by the throat and chokeslams him for the victory in about nine seconds. Kane is your new ECW champion because Chavo likes to hang out with TNA wrestlers. What can he say? Sonjay is fun to be around.

Winner: Kane
Rating: ********** and my youngest born

That’s So Actress, Singer, and Star of Disney’s College Road Trip Raven-Symoné and the Make-A-Wish Foundation's Public Pat on the Back Jamboree

“What’s up, Orlando?” asks Raven. I’m 93% positive that Orlando Bloom is doing fine, but why do you ask? Raven claims that World Wrestling Entertainment has been granting wishes for twenty years, but so far, it has never granted my wish. To those who are curious, I have always to be the influence behind GTV. I know I have no Gs in my name, but WWE could compromise and debut me as GStephen. Anyway, Raven points out fifty kids in the crowd who have had their wishes come true with seats to WrestleMania. She tells them to stand up, despite the fact that the camera focuses on the few children in wheelchairs. Quote the Raven--awkward. Jerry Lawler says, “I am a huge Raven-Symoné fan.” I’m sure you are.

Mike Adamle’s Interview with Ric Flair

Adamle, of American Gladiators fame, asks Flair about his game plan to keep his thirty-five-year career alive. Flair, in a royal blue robe with enough white feathers to fill pillows for the world population, replies with the first half of his catchphrase.

In honour of “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, I am going fully embrace the persona that has been in development since I began this blog. Let March 30th, 2008 be the date that I become “The Bread Boy” Stephen Rivera. To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man? Oh, I don’t think so. As The Bread Boy, to eat the bread, you’ve gotta heat the bread. My taunt will involve blowing into the air because the bread needs to cool.

Career Threatening Match
Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels

Though Shawn is not completely thrilled about the possibility of retiring Ric Flair, he still thinks he is cute and believes he is sexy. How can his theme song talk about aesthetic beauty at a stressful time like this? In his HBK brand hat, he praises the heavens with a WrestleMania pyro display. Excuse me--the Lord prefers the Royal Rumble.

Ric Flair struts down the aisle in his elaborate robe and receives a fireworks show of his own. A sign in the crowd reads “Ric Flair Forever.” Of course, I don’t know if Ric Flair is physically able to live for billions of years, but maybe the wrestling community can event some sort of cryogenic chamber for the charismatic.

WWE gives the refereeing nod to “Li’l Naitch” Charles Robinson, no doubt quite the honour for him. Michaels seeks a tie-up but Ric Flair steps back, runs his fingers through his hair and says, “Woo.” Michaels and Flair exchange hammerlocks until Shawn counters with elbows to the head. As HBK bounces off the ropes, Flair executes a hip toss and “Woos” again. In the corner, Ric Flair mocks Michaels with the Old Yeller comment but Shawn retaliates with a slap. Since The Nature Boy can bleed on command, he begins to bleed from the mouth area. I think Ric Flair has single-handedly provided blood donations for the Red Cross.

A chop and punch exchange ensues. Ric Flair gains the advantage and uses the patented Harley Race-like knee. Flair charges Michaels to the turnbuckles but Shawn catches Ric with an elbow. As he heads to the top turnbuckle, Flair flips him onto the mat. The potential WCW Cruiserweight Champion of the late 90s known as Ric Flair flies off the top turnbuckle with a cross body for the two count. While he attempts the Figure Four, Michaels counters and kicks his opponent out of the ring. On the apron, Michaels misses an Asai moonsault and crashes onto the RAW announce table. The front of the table refuses to break, which hurts me in a Shelton-falling-off-the-ladder kind of way. Along with shilling Skittles, Jim Ross is at his best when he calls these types of matches. If only JR could be this effective and entertaining every week.

Back in the ring, Flair attacks Michaels’ ribs and torso, then pulls off a butterfly suplex and a surprising standing vertical suplex. When a fifty-nine-year-old gives you a standing vertical suplex, please give him props. Jerry Lawler continues to refer to “Old Reference Yeller.” Maybe WrestleMania XXIV is presented by the Old Yeller: Special Edition DVD. Special Edition, you say? That's how they get you. Michaels breaks up Flair’s attack with a swinging neck breaker and a back body drop to the floor. This time, Michaels moonsaults from the top rope. Earlier tonight, Jim Morrison whiffed on a moonsault with a ladder in hand. In turn, Michaels made some contact with the move but still missed. This mistake means that the top rope must be haunted.

Michaels hits Flair in the middle of the ring with a flying forearm and a couple of atomic drops. From the top turnbuckle, he nails an elbow drop. In the corner, prepares for Sweet Chin Music but hesitates to kick Flair. In response, Ric takes Shawn and cinches in the Figure Four to the crowd’s enjoyment. Once Michaels forces a rope break, Flair whips him into the turnbuckles and takes him down with a chop block. A second Figure Four attempt is countered into a small package. Seconds later, a kick by Michaels is countered into the Figure Four. I love the Figure Four. It’s so bad. I use the Figure Four Leglock to get a high score in Rad Racer.

Another chopfest occurs, then Michaels takes out Flair with a second Sweet Chin Music. With HBK in the corner, Flair begs Michaels to bring it on. Michaels stares down at the mat, looks at The Nature Boy and mouths, “I’m sorry. I love you." This line will become one of the more famous statements in the history of WrestleMania and the wrestling industry. After the three count, Shawn Michaels puts an end to Flair’s career.

This is fair to Flair

Immediately following the win, Michaels collapses near Flair. He shares a word with him, kisses him on the forehead, then leaves the ring to let Flair bask in the moment. Flair stands in the ring to blow kisses to the crowd. He exits the ring and ventures ringside to embrace his children Ashley, Megan, David, and Reid, and his wife. Before the segment ends, Flair heads backwards up the ramp and gives his final farewell to Orlando. A simple conclusion to a dramatic and emotional match. If anything, WrestleMania XXIV should be remembered for this bout alone.

Long live The Nature Boy. May you wander around the wilderness, knife-edge chopping acorns from trees and putting racoons in the Figure Four Leglock for all time.

Winner: Shawn Michaels
Rating: ****