Monday, March 30, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 63rd

Chris Jericho vs. The Golden Girls

Thank you for inflicting physical violence on the elderly
Called them various names taken from a thesaurus, then called them the same names again
You're running your mouth in a disrespectful way, but the formal way you dress kind of makes it okay

And if you threw a box social
And you invited every legend you knew
We would see the biggest gift is your fist to a face
And the indent from your ring would say, "Thank you for having cardboard talk show sets."

The Question:
Who wins and how?



The grandest review of the grandest stage of the grandest all.


You better start swimmin', or you'll sink like a stone.


The stage is set. The lighting is set. The matches are set. One of my favourite Ancient Egyptians gods is Set. He has the body of a human, but the head of an animal. On that note, the excitement continues to build with one week left until WrestleMania XXV. Call the event what you will, but be aware that I am rather excited for it. Truly, I am so excited that I will probably watch it if my afternoon pan flute lessons go as planned. If I have to stay for a few more hours, I am not sure what will I do. I am fan of professional wrestling, but I am a fan of playing pan flutes in an efficient manner, too. When will World Wrestling Entertainment learn to combine the two?

As most of you may have noticed, this month of The Swerved is "WrestleMania Month." In the past few weeks, I have given my thoughts on the matches that will make up this grand Pay-Per-View. In addition, I have proposed my own inductees to the WWE Hall of Fame, which is an event that WWE has held the day before every WrestleMania for as long as I can remember. Because I cannot recall anything past WrestleMania XX, my knowledge of WWE history tends to start at that point. Continuing my look at the happenings surrounding WrestleMania XXV, I thought it would be best to predict what memorable moments will occur next Sunday.

I am not a betting man. Sometimes, when I find myself in a casino, I may bet a dollar or a thousand at the craps table, but other than those instances, I do not like to put my money where my mouth hole is located. This time, I plan to stick to my sticky guns. While you are reading and or hearing the following predictions from me, I am not a prophet. I can predict the weather and what will occur to the human race after December 21st, 2012, but that is all. If you are curious about what will become of us after that day, I will tell you: we will receive free samples of Raisin Bran in the mail. Sadly, we will run out of milk.

Before the world ends, I have many a prediction to share. Will you read them on a boat? Will you read them in a moat? Will Triple H jump out of a birthday cake and attack Randy Orton before WrestleMania? The answer will not be revealed here because these are WrestleMania predictions only. Besides, I bet he'll fail. He's going to jump out of a Mexican flan. I've done that before. The experience is not worth the effort it takes to sit inside the flan as it is cooked.

1) In order to recreate the "briefcase lift" from the Handicap Ladder Match between Steve Austin and Vince and Shane McMahon at the 1999 King of the Ring, a power greater than all of us will make a name for himself in this year's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. During the match, he will screw one of the competitors out of the win by pushing the earth down until the wrestler cannot grab the briefcase. Sorry, Kofi Kingston.

2) As a tribute to the release of Watchmen, Rey Mysterio will wear another superhero-inspired costume. This year, he will take off all his clothes and paint himself radioactive blue to emulate Dr. Manhattan's trademark look. After his match, he will celebrate by getting a second job as the only naked member of the Blue Man Group. The other blue men will look at him with vacant stares.

3) Due to the poor physical condition of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Jimmy "Superfly Snuka," Chris Jericho will spend his entire match wrestling Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Luckily, before the match, "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project will bring out the Chicago Bulls to help Steamboat in the contest. Michael Jordan is not a trained wrestler, but Steamboat will need Michael to stick his tongue out... when the match calls for Ricky to stick a bunch of stamps onto envelopes.

4) On last week's episode of Smackdown, Shawn Michaels dressed up as "The Light" to Undertaker's "darkness.” As a means to help Michaels defeat the Undertaker for the first time at a WrestleMania, Marty Jannetty will interfere in grey clothing, debuting as "The Grey Area." Even then, his attire will be made by DayGlo.

5) World Wrestling Entertainment will top John Cena's elaborate entrances of WrestleManias past with the grandest entrance of them all. On Sunday, April 5th, 2009, Jonathan Anthony Felix Cena will shock the world by emerging from a futuristic, intergalactic spaceship that was once manned by mobsters from 1930s Chicago. Today, the ship will be driven by a marching band.

6) John "Bradshaw" Layfield will announce that Mamajuana Energy Drink does not improve one's sexual performance. To our surprise, we don't need any novelty drinks to improve our sex lives. Mamajuana was in us all along.

7) As Matt Hardy is about to destroy his brother Jeff Hardy, the two brothers will reminisce about a simpler time: their childhood. Back then, Jeff Hardy helped his brother steal cookies from a cookie jar, located on a high kitchen counter. Next, they will remind themselves of the days when Jeff put on a bandage on his brother's bloody knee after Matt suffered an unfortunate skateboarding accident. Finally, they will recall the time when two scoops of ice cream fell off Jeff Hardy's ice cream cone on a hot summer day. As a sweet gesture, Matt gave Jeff a scoop from his own ice cream cone. In the end, the Brother vs. Brother Match will end in a draw when the Hardy Boys meet in the center of the ring and hug out their feud. In the stands, Homer Hardy (their father) will call them losers.

8) Mickey Rourke will make his first appearance at a WrestleMania by sitting front row during the Chris Jericho versus WWE Legends Match. Towards the end of the contest, he will lose his seat to Sean Penn. Slumdog Millionaire will take the remaining 70,000 seats at Reliant Stadium for itself.

9) Rap-rocker Kid Rock will perform at WrestleMania XXV. Once he starts to sing one of his mega-hit songs, he will somehow transport us back to the year 1998. During that time, I wonder what the new Willennium will bring.

10) Edge and Big Show will stop fighting each other for the love of Vickie Guerrero when they discover that her heart actually belongs to excusing herself. If she cannot excuse herself, the scent of a summer flower smells much less sweeter.

11) Ric Flair will support "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat by acting as their manager. Before the match begins, he will stub his toe against the steel steps. In response to the accidental collision, he will bleed. His white hair will turn red.

12) In a last-minute change of plans, Carlito and Primo Colon will unify their WWE Tag Team Championship belts with John Morrison and The Miz's World Tag Team Championship titles by forcing them to move into a house together. Which titles will form an alliance? Which championship belts will have words, fighting or otherwise? Will hijinks ensue? Nobody knows. The only thing we can do is tune in and find out for ourselves.

13) As his saying goes, big things will be poppin' and little things will be stoppin' when Montel Vontavious Porter overcooks a bag of microwave popcorn. He will try to make amends with the other seven competitors in the Money in the Back Ladder Match by sharing a canister of Pringles, but the deliciousness of Pringles will bring out his selfish side.

14) Santino Marella will make himself an eligible participant in the 25-Diva Battle Royal by dressing up as a WWE Diva. Mickie James will immediately eliminate him, but in the process, he will help the late Rodney Dangerfield's soccer team win the championship in a mediocre, sports comedy movie from 1992.

15) Triple H will dedicate his main event match against Randy Orton in the name of his wife -- Stephanie McMahon. He will enter the match in a sparkling halter top, carrying the WWE Women's Champion over his shoulder. Of course, he will seldom defend it. At least one time in the match, he will use his wife's finishing move entitled "The Pin Attempt." Behold the pin attempts -- the pin attempt of pin attempts.

16) As expected, Mark Henry will be unable to climb the ladder in the Money in the Bank Match due to his weight. With the help of Tony Atlas, Mark Henry will fly up to the briefcase instead. All he needs to do is believe in Neverland.

17) In the Tag Team Championship Unification Match, the rest of the WWE roster will make their WrestleMania appearance as lumberjacks. Everyone except Mike Knox will have to get into character.

18) Trish Stratus will show up as one of the surprise participants in the 25-Diva Battle Royal. Unfortunately, her Matrix move will be unnecessary when she discovers that the battle royal will take place in the Matrix. Look around you, Patricia. Everybody can do it. You're not that special. Neo and Billy Gunn are “The One.” Who are you?

19) Cryme Tyme will make their obligatory appearance in a backstage skit, talking money with "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. “The Million Dollar Man will respond with his famous, maniacal cackle before he presents Shad Gaspard with a present in the form of bulletproof vest to match the one worn by JTG. Shad and JTG will be so excited that will encourage others to shoot them in the torso with bullets. When they get bored with that endeavour, they will try to play laser tag with those vests. The results will be disappointing.

20) Big Show will shave his Van Dyke, then wear a two-strapped singlet. If your widescreen television has the ability to stretch out a full screen image, he will look like King Kong Bundy. Everybody and everybody's mother wins.

21) Michael Cole will continue to call Randy Orton a "viper" until Biggie Smalls comes out of a mirror, grabs Michael Cole, and asks him not to call Orton that name anymore. Biggie Smalls is tired of that "viper" stuff. In fact, he is notoriously tired.

22) Melina will flap her gigantic feathered wings on the entrance ramp. If she flaps them enough, she will leave this nest and begin a new life.

23) Kelly Kelly will play the tambourine to the tune of Toto’s “Africa.” The pleasing sound will coax the other twenty four WWE Divas in the battle royal to leave the ring by their own freewill. She didn't want to practice the song with me last week. Therefore, she better practice soon. We must defeat those Brady children at the school talent show.

24) Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase (Jr.) will accompany Randy Orton to the ring. World Wrestling Entertainment will develop their characters by allowing them to stand on their own power.

25) In the main event of the evening, Randy Orton will defeat Triple H for the WWE Championship by showing him footage from a drive-in wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Prior to the match, Randy will drug the WWE Championship, take the title to that very chapel, then marry it on the spot. Triple H will be devastated. Because he is Triple H, tears will be shed in triplicate. One copy of tears will be for him. One will be for Randy. The final copy is up for grabs.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cena Ruins Everything: The Best of No Worlds

Cena Ruins Our Suspension of Disbelief



It's time to play some games.


I'm fading through, I'm slipping past the screen.


A wrestling legend is a difficult title to define. Some believe a wrestling legend is measured by how many championships that man or woman wins in a career, while others believe that one is based on the wrestler's impact outside the realm of professional wrestling. In my opinion, a wrestling legend is based on two main characteristics: long-term entertainment value and lasting influence on the sport. I was about to introduce a third characteristic into the fold, but I don't think many legends take the form of an explanatory table or list that appears on some sort of map or chart. If I am mistaken in this assumption, please forgive me for I simply want the third characteristic to be an actual quality that separates a legend from a wannabe legend. Perhaps World Wrestling Entertainment will consider this quality in the future, but in the meantime, I am left to look up at the stars, wondering what could be.

While I question the legitimacy of the prestigious hall, the class of the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame impresses me. For one, we have Stone Cold Steve Austin: the man who single-handedly made "redneckery" cool for the first time in history. For two, the inclusion of Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Terry Funk are wise choices, at least compared to those chosen in years past. When I ponder those legendary men and women who have not yet been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, I get angry, tired, sleepy, hungry, frustrated, and then angry again. I know the company wishes to induct eight performers per year, but in their attempt the recognize the greater-than-greats, they have overlooked many a legend. If I wasn't a respected professional wrestling analyst, I would probably challenge Vince McMahon and WWE to a round of bare-knuckle fisticuffs. I am so angry I could watch 12 Rounds twelve times. Somebody get me my film viewing glasses. I am more than ready to see a masterpiece.

I understand that the task of choosing a worthy group each and every year can be troublesome, but why must they make so many glaring mistakes? I am beginning to think that the WWE Hall of Fame is a sham, much like Randy Orton's wife or the WWE Universe. I've checked pictures on the internet. That woman on RAW was not Randy Orton's wife. In addition, I took an astronomy class once. We are nowhere near the WWE Universe. Is the WWE Hall of Fame a lie? Does World Wrestling Entertainment base its inductees on their positive relationship with the company? How dare you. I feel cheated, used, and dirty (only two of the three adjectives applied to me beforehand).

As long as WWE continues to make poor choices, I will continue to steer them in the right direction. This week, I am here to suggest which wrestlers deserve a place in WWE’s coveted hall. For me, World Wrestling Entertainment is like an unruly child who never listens, never bathes, and always touches itself. In turn, I must be the mother who takes care of it. I did not choose this life for myself, but I accept it. This path is my destiny. I must make of most of it, or WWE will try to touch itself again. I know they are curious about their downstairs area at this age, but that act is inappropriate, no matter the day or holiday. Stop it, WWE. Stop that right now. Don't make me get the spatula.

"The Macho Man" Randy Savage

For the sake of the macho men, macho women, and macho children, Randy Savage used to come out to "Pomp and Circumstance," also known as the graduation song. This fact means that he has graduated high school and or college and or refrigerator repair school about a thousand times. Give this man a spot in the physically non-existent Hall of Fame already. What else does he have to do for you? How many times has he helped Hulk Hogan fight the baddest dudes on the wrestling planet? How many times does Bone Saw McGraw have to beat up Peter Parker before he impresses WWE? I bet the late and great Miss Elizabeth was kind of hard to carry on one shoulder, too. Be a man, Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment. Randy has done a lot for you. Give him something back.

Also, do not pay attention to those rumours regarding Randy Savage and Stephanie McMahon. Whatever naive wrestling fans might say, he did not deflower her. He simply showed her how to make a sculpture of himself -- from the shoulders up -- using Slim Jims. If you recall the video for Lionel Richie's "Hello," their activity was rather similar to the blind lady's artist endeavour, except Stephanie McMahon's sculpture was more edible, salty, and not made out of clay.

The Honky Tonk Man

Without a doubt, the Honky Tonk Man is the greatest WWF Intercontinental Champion of all time. Of course, some claim that wrestling greats such as Mr. Perfect, Rick Rude, and Road Dogg are better, but they are sadly mistaken. As a young child, I was impressed with the Honky Tonk Man's ability to hit his opponents over the head with a guitar. Until I was about fifteen years old, I thought that the only way to play a guitar was to smash it over somebody else's head. Apparently, my music teacher was unhappy with my guitar-playing skills at the time, but I guess she was one of those "classically trained" guitarists. You know how they can be.

Now that the Honky Tonk Man will induct the esteemed Koko B. Ware to the WWE Hall of Fame this year, I wonder why World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't induct the man who is coming to my town in a pink Cadillac as well. According to a few, previous inductees, one doesn't need much of a wrestling career to make into the Hall of Fame. Supposedly, the fact that I once wrestled a small dog on my neighbour’s lawn qualifies me for WWE Hall of Fame consideration. While I would love Alex Wright and the Disco Inferno to induct me together with an full-on dance party, I would rather relinquish my spot for the Honky one. After all, I can always get inducted five years from now, when the most notable Hall of Famer will be Savio Vega. I highly look forward to five years from now. I highly do.

"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and Virgil

By now, you would think that Ted DiBiase would be a WWE Hall of Famer, but boy and girl are you wrong. Specifically, you are two wrongs that don't make a right. As far as I am concerned, Theodore DiBiase is the man. On that note, Virgil is the man, too, but less of a man compared to Ted DiBiase. With that said, I find that their exclusion from the WWE Hall of Fame is a shame and a half or three-quarters. How can WWE be so foolish not to induct these men? I'm sure I am not the only one who disagrees with their choice.

In my youth, I was afraid to wear sparkly jackets with a sequined dollar sign on the back, but Ted DiBiase proved to me that I could wear anything I want, as long as I set my mind to it. The next day, I wore a purple suit with a pink dollar sign, much to the surprise of my twelve-year-old friends. Because Ted DiBiase was not in active competition in the year 1997, hardly anyone knew who I was emulating. Unfortunately, they just saw a kid in a purple suit, rather than a millionaire rich enough to have a stereotypical, African-American butler. While the bullies did not beat me up that day, I beat myself up, knowing that I should have gone with the sleeveless Virgil-wear instead. I had guns at twelve years old. I was ready to shoot 'em up for reals.

Razor Ramon/Scott Hall

The wrestling career of Scott Hall makes me happy and sad at the same time, similar to the feeling I get when I see a naked lady in overly large sunglasses and Ugg boots. You see, Scott Hall could have been the very best, but his love for alcohol -- his liquid mistress -- killed his potential. Whether he was talking like Tony Montana, shopping for fruits at a fruit stand, or mimicking the Giant as part of the New World Order, I watched professional wrestling for Scott Hall. When World Wrestling Entertainment learns to listen to everything I have to say, I am positive that they will bring Scott Hall into the hall.

Even though he was never a World Champion in any of the two major organizations, he was my absolute favourite. To this day, I consider myself the Scott Hall of my current gang. We call ourselves the Gazebo World Order. We cause chaos in our city on weekdays, but on weekends, we drink lemonade and enjoy each other's company in a gazebo. Whenever I want to mock another person, I throw my tiny drink umbrella in that person's face and laugh. Also, I tend to wiggle my fingers like Scott Hall to pretend that I am scared of said person, but I only do it on special occasions. Usually, the act of wiggling my fingers gets people thinking that I am a wizard who drinks lemonade in a gazebo. I want them to believe that I am a wizard some of the time, but not all of the time. There's a difference.

Santino Marella

I don't care if Santino Marella's WWE career hasn‘t ended; I urge the company to put this man in the Hall of Fame before I do. Someday, I will conjure up the idea of a Santino Marella Hall of Fame, build it from the ground up using popsicle sticks and dedication, and make Mr. Marella my first and last inductee. World Wrestling Entertainment better get to work. I am aware that Santino Marella could not surpass the Honky Tonk Man's Intercontinental Championship reign record, but I forgive him because he is Santino Marella. When I think about it, Santino is this generation's Honky Tonk Man, except that he is not a pudgy version of Elvis Presley and doesn't wrestle at all. Without Santino's presence in the company, World Wrestling Entertainment is nothing. Like millions of viewers, I don't watch RAW to see Randy Orton go through a window made out of hardened sugar. I watch RAW to see Santino Marella instead. In my opinion, he is the best, longest-running, episodic human being in the history of television. Take that, Michael Cole. I'm tired of your face and fake laugh. Go away where I can't see you. Go away to TNA.

I am not saying that Santino Marella needs the WWE Hall of Fame; rather, I am saying that the WWE Hall of Fame needs Santino Marella. If they are going to put Bob Orton Jr. and Pete Rose in the hall, they have no excuse to deny Santino of one of those coveted spots. Bob Orton Jr. wears a cast for a few years and gets inducted. Pete Rose wears a San Diego Chicken suit and gets inducted. Santino Marella is Santino Marella. Why haven't they inducted him twice?

Monday, March 16, 2009

Cena Ruins Everything: Crash That Market

John Cena Ruins Our Future(s)



Legends of what-the-who-what?


Pipe wrench fight (pipe wrench fight).

Wrestling Mania: Part 2

Vince McMahon defines WrestleMania as the "showcase of the immortals." In other words, every WrestleMania match pits Hulk Hogan against Hulk Hogan in a Hulk Hogan match to see who can be the best Hulk Hogan. The loser of said match must become Hulk Hogan. Unfortunately, Hulk Hogan is nowhere to be found this year as he must recover from two things: his back surgery and his marriage to Linda Hogan. Without Hulk Hogan by his side, what is Vince McMahon to do? With less than three weeks left until the grand event, he must shine up a card that looks quite lackluster, at least as of this writing. Even though he believes that he can sell Pay-Per-Views by forcing Triple H to invade Randy Orton's "home" and scare a random lady in Randy's washer-dryer room, he will not get a penny from me for that sorry attempt to intrigue me. Likewise, I am not interested in an affair between Vickie Guerrero and the Big Show. If anything, I want to see an affair between Vickie Guerrero and John Cena. That way, he can put her in the STF(U) in private. Stop flirting, John. You’re embarrassing yourself.

In order for WrestleMania XXV to top WrestleMania XXIV, the event must be epic. At WrestleMania XXIV, Snoop Dogg made out with Maria Kanellis against her will. At WrestleMania XXV, Snoop Dogg must return and make out with Maria Kanellis, Santino Marella, and himself against their will. Last year, John "Bradshaw" Layfield hit Hornswoggle in the face with a trashcan. This year, John "Bradshaw" Layfield will have to hit a trashcan in the face with a Hornswoggle. If WWE cannot bring those memorable moments to Houston, Texas, what is the point of watching WrestleMania? For professional wrestling? What have you been smoking and or toking, and can you keep it away from the children?

As more and more frustrated wrestling fans flock over to the world of UFC and mixed martial arts, WWE must use WrestleMania XXV to hold onto their remaining fans with an unyielding death grip. Of course, I may be a famous professional wrestling analyst, but who's to say that I can't turn myself into a world-renowned mixed martial arts analyst? I like my unnecessary tribal tattoos and bald heads just as much as the next world-renowned mixed martial arts analyst. I think I can move many a mixed martial arts mountain. At this time, I hope WWE is listening to this threat. Once they lose me, they will have to close up shop. Don't let this happen, McMahon. Don't make this realistic fantasy a fantastic reality. I’m warning you.

As we approach the 25th (or 24th) Anniversary of WrestleMania, let us wrestle with the mania. You do not need medication to cope with wrestling mania because this stint will last no longer than four hours. Regardless, I am ready to consult my doctor if these problems persist. Tell me if they persist for you though blinking. Blink once for yes, twice for no, and three times if you are hungry for some sort of Mexican burrito. People with wrestling mania are maniacs, but they have to eat, too. They're not robots.

John "Bradshaw" Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio or Vladimir Kozlov
Pick Your Poison-y Poison

Last week on RAW, John "Bradshaw" Layfield shocked the entire world by defeating CM Punk for the Intercontinental Championship, making him a Triple Crown Champion and the first man married to Meredith Whitney to win the coveted belt. At the request of Vickie Guerrero, I have come up with two possible scenario for JBL at WrestleMania XXV. One matchup that I have in mind is an Intercontinental Championship defense against Rey Mysterio, who mysteriously doesn't have a spot on the card as of yet. The second matchup consists of Vladimir Kozlov, the Moscow Mauler himself, Moscow mauling his way to a April 5th bout with Texas' own JBL. I understand that JBL's gimmick involves Bradshaw ignoring his Texan roots to embrace the high life of New York City, but this is World Wrestling Entertainment. In this company, things have to make sense some of the time, but not all the time. Therefore, Bradshaw should come into Reliant Stadium as the greatest Texan babyface who has ever lived. You better cheer for him, or else.

The difference between Rey Mysterio and Vladimir Kozlov is rather simple: Rey Mysterio wears a mask, while Vladimir Kozlov does not. As far as I know, that is the only difference between these two gifted WWE Superstars. Perhaps Bradshaw should defend his title against Rey Mysterio without a mask, or Vladimir Kozlov with a mask. On second thought, maybe JBL should mate Rey Mysterio with Vladimir Kozlov, make a masked Russian wrestler, and face him at the event. Either way, WrestleMania XXV sorely lacks an Intercontinental Championship match. In fact, WWE itself lacks Intercontinental Championship matches. For a while, I thought CM Punk and William Regal were the only two wrestlers who could legally fight for the title, but I guess I was wrong. Apparently, the Intercontinental Champion represents a continent that contains more than CM Punk and William Regal, which is good to know.

Chris Jericho vs. WWE Legend
Waiting for the Mickey Rourke Punch

Attention, sycophants, parasites, and hypocrites: after Chris Jericho's stunning lost to the Kofiest of Kingstons in his Money in the Bank Qualifying Match, Jericho is looking for revenge against Ric Flair. For those of you who forgot Ric Flair, he is also known as the man who showed up on RAW, stood on the ramp, and continued to stand on the ramp. As a sycophantic, parasitic hypocrite, I resent Chris Jericho's attempt to beat reality into every WWE Legend he encounters. For one, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper did not deserve a beat down in the center of the ring. I know he wears a leather jacket with a kilt, but a glaring fashion faux-pas is no reason to attack him. For two, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat should not have been shoved face-first into the high definition entrance screen. Personally, I do not condone abuse to dragons, nor do I support abuse to steamboats. For three, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka is over sixty years old. If Jericho is going to sneak attack him with a cardboard talk show set, he should use those jagged things from the Highlight Reel. Due to their jagged nature, those should work better.

Like any normal wrestling fan who believes retired wrestlers should stay retired, I do not want to see Ric Flair lace up his leathery boots and get in the ring with Jericho. Some analysts speculate that Stone Cold Steve Austin, the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame Inductee, will be the one who shuts Jericho up with the Stone Cold Stunner, but does Chris Jericho vs. Steve Austin make a WrestleMania-calibre matchup? In my opinion, I say nay to the idea, like a horse if he also agreed with me. From the start, I have been lobbying for Mickey Rourke to put the two dollars he made from The Wrestler where his mouth is and face Jericho, but I am beginning to think that Vince McMahon is not in the same boat as I. Although Rourke is not a professional wrestler, consider the notion of a naked Marisa Tomei and a fully clothed Ernest "The Cat" Miller at Rourke’s side; the involvement of these two individuals may change your mind for the better. If need be, I will settle for a fully clothed Marisa Tomei and a naked Ernest "The Cat" Miller at ringside, but I'm not going to lie to you, wrestling fans -- that sounds too erotic. I would try to cope with it, but I don't think I could handle that much hardcore eroticism.

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
Brothers Got To Fight, Even Though Nobody Wants To See Them Fight

When Matthew Hardy clocked his brother Jeffrey Hardy in the facial range with a steel chair, did you cheer, or were you confused by the lack of Christian? I can't speak for you, but in my daily life, I am often confused by the lack of Christian. At five years old, I ventured to the local mall to visit Santa Claus once, but was disappointed to discover that Christian was not Santa. I am aware that Christian entered the World Wrestling Federation long after I was five years old, but I was a weird yet smart and handsome kid. Please forgive me. Now that I am older, the disappointment continues. World Wrestling Entertainment wants me to believe that the Hardy Boys have not fought each other before, but I know their scheme. I know their deals and no deals. They're pulling a fast one on me, though I am not going to fall for it. Possibly, I am going to stand for it; that is just how I do the damn thang. How do you like them bananas, WWE? They're pretty ripe, if you ask me.

I do not have a brother, but if I did and he tried to kill me via vehicular homicide, involuntary staircase descending, and faulty pyrotechnic explosions, I would probably wrestle him on a stage. If he was a former half of my tag team, I would probably wrestle him on the grandest stage of them all. I remain skeptical to the idea of a Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy WrestleMania match. With that said, the Hardy Boys are exciting performers who deserve the WrestleMania spotlight. May many lights hit them on the spot as they pretend to fight each other before a crowd of over 70,000 fans. I sense several fates twisting. I hear several whispers in the wind. Most of all, I anticipate that these two men will "Take It 2 The Xtreme." I don't know what "Take It 2 The Xtreme" means, but I want to say that they'll be riding dirt bikes a lot. Am I right, or am I former WCW talent Paul Right (The Right Show)?

The Miz & John Morrison vs. The Colons
Do you want the possible to be more possible?

A unification match between World Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz and WWE Tag Team Champions Primo and Carlito Colon may be in the works for WrestleMania XXV. What does this rumour mean? More fighting over The Bella Twins. I know that adult women like Brie and Nikki Bella cannot choose who they want or do not want to date, so I am glad that WrestleMania will be the event that makes their tough decision for them. If I was a woman, and I had a twin who was also a woman, and we were WWE Divas on Smackdown caught between two tag teams, I would not know which team to choose. On the one hand, John Morrison and The Miz are cool, what with abdominal muscle glitter and stylish hats. On the other hand, Primo and Carlito Colon are from the Caribbean. In the summertime, I could use them to stay cool so Carlito does not spit in my face. I equate this dilemma to the film Sophie's Choice, except I would have to pick between tag teams, rather than my own children. Same difference, though.

I look forward to this possible matchup because WWE needs to place emphasis on tag teams again like they did in the early part of this decade. In 2000, we had Edge and Christian, the Hardy Boys, the Dudley Boyz, and Head Cheese, but in 2009, we don't have enough teams to make even one respectable division. Cryme Tyme are not Edge and Christian. Priceless are not the Hardy Boys, nor are they the Dudley Boyz. Of course, Hawkins and Ryder are better than Head Cheese, but one for four is not good enough. For me, Morrison, The Miz, and the Colons are tag team wrestling's only hope. Only they can bring prestige back to the tag team division, much like Head Cheese did in the year 2000. One of them can be Steve Blackman, the other can be Al Snow, and the other two can double up and wear the Chester McCheeserton costume. I'm looking in your direction, John Morrison and Mike Mizanin. I'm looking in your direction so hard.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 62nd

Nitro Girl Whisper vs. The Undertaker

Alright Rebecca, keep on whisperin' baby
You know what time it is (whisperin' time)
Throw your Nitro Party at the Nitro Grill, throw your Nitro Party at the Nitro Grill, throw your Nitro Party at the Nitro Grill
Ladies and gentleman, in-character punch in JBL's face, out-of-character laughter after the fact
Keep on whisperin' baby

Dance in, now dance out
Chest up, chest down
Wait a second, wait a minute
Tell me how you gonna feed your kids with only a couple million dollars now?
Dance in, now dance out
Chest up, chest down
Wait a second, wait a minute
Tell me how you gonna feed your kids with only a couple million dollars now?

Keep whisperin', whisperin', whisperin', whisperin' (what)
Keep whisperin', whisperin', whisperin', whisperin' (who)
Keep whisperin', whisperin', whisperin', whisperin' (whom)
Keep whisperin', whisperin', whisperin', whisperin'

The Question:
Who wins and how?



A look at Tusslethon XXV continues.


I will never, never, never, never grow so old again.

Wrestling Mania: Part 1

With April 5, 2009 just around the corner, WrestleMania XXV is upon us with the fury of twenty-five people who wrestle with mania. Supposedly, WrestleMania XXV is the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania, despite the fact that this year's event will only mark the 24th anniversary. World Wrestling Entertainment knows how to entertain the fans, but they do not know how to count. Nevertheless, congratulations to WWE on their monumental achievement. I wonder what they will wish for on this wonderful occasion. Oh, wait. I know. They will wish for the bodies to hit the floor on a consistent basis. I am in favour of this particular wish because I can easily grant it by dropping my own body to the floor. Although, be forewarned because when I drop my body to floor, I tend to drop it as if it quite warm in temperature.

As the weeks pass, WrestleMania is shaping up to be a tremendous event. First of all, you have a man fighting other men by pulling sledgehammers out of his pants. On Smackdown, you have Vickie Guerrero, caught in a developing rivalry between her onscreen friend and her onscreen husband. On ECW, Christian is hanging out, chilling with Finlay and Hornswoggle while kind of hating Jack Swagger. To me, WrestleMania will be a captivating Pay-Per-View for these feuds alone. How many sledgehammers can Triple H store in his pants? More or less than three? Who will Vickie Guerrero support? Big Show, Edge, or Chavo, the biggest Smackdown star of them all? As for ECW, what will Christian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle do next? Chill some more? I look forward to receiving some answers.

If you are like me (nobody is like me), WrestleMania is a time to analyze who will become a superstar, who will lose his or her chance to become a star, and who will be Jamie Noble. Ten times out of eleven times, Jamie Noble will remain Jamie Noble, but you never known. Anything can happen in WWE, right? Didn't Michael Cole -- the gentleman scholar-- say that once? If not, I credit him for saying such a brilliant phrase. He is a visionary, but his power has decreased over the years because he stopped frosting his hair. Bring back the tips, Michael. Bring back the tips.

For the next two weeks, I will provide my superior thoughts on the build-up towards this Superbowl-like, NBA Championship-esque, World Series-ish, wrestling extravaganza. So far, a few matches have been etched in stone, but as for the others, I shall etch them in stone myself. What will I use for the etching process? I will use my mind for it is as sharp as twenty etching tools at once. Before you insult me and call me "good" rather than "great," let me remind you that the following article reflects my opinion and my opinion only. Whenever you get five minutes to spare to realize this notion, get back to me and I shall provide you with a gold star. Onward and upward, Houstonians. We have numerous problems, but Tom Hanks will handle most of them for us. Thanks, Thomas Hanks.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
I Will Avenge My Family-in-Law's Destruction, Despite The Fact That I Have Destroyed Them Many Times Before

When Randy Orton slapped and kicked Hunter Hearst Helmsley's father-in-law in his father-in-law face, Triple H did nothing; I bet he was eating dinner at the time and did not want to be disturbed. Now, when Randy Orton beat up Hunter Hearst Helmsley's brother-in-law, Triple H did less than nothing, leaving it up to Pete Gas, Joey Abs, and Rodney to avenge Shane McMahon's suffering. When Randy Orton RKOed Stephanie McMahon, Triple H was offended. I understand that a loving husband would and should do anything to protect and avenge his wife’s suffering from known attackers, but Triple H took a while to get started, didn't he? Perhaps he was waiting to get his leather jacket repaired. Without a leather jacket on his person, Hunter cannot be a ba-dass.

Whether or not you care for a Randy Orton versus Triple H main event matchup at WrestleMania XXV, at least we don't have to see Randy Orton versus John Cena. In the build-up to Orton versus Cena, I expected that Legacy would kidnap Cena's invisible girlfriend/wife, then put him through 12 gruelling rounds to save her. I can only take so many uninspired, homosexual jokes about Priceless before I go crazy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are not secret lovers. How could they be when they are fighting for Orton's affection? To be honest with you, I have marginal interest in Randy Orton versus Triple H, at least until Orton attacks Linda McMahon. If he does so, I will buy this Pay-Per-View thrice. Get that beyotch, Randy. Get her good.

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker
The Undertaker Wins

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels is known as Mr. WrestleMania for his ability to perform at his best at the event, and for his lengthy marriage-on-the-side to Mrs. WrestleMania. Rebecca Michaels does not mind this second marriage for she is too busy looking orange and “boobirific.” Now that Shawn Michaels is rich again, his poor fans, who are struggling to make those precious ends meet, can finally rejoice. At WrestleMania XXV, Shawn Michaels will have the lofty task of facing and defeating the Deadman. When they last met, Michaels told the Undertaker that it was hell getting to heaven, but he did not specify how hellish the journey would be. Provide some visual aids, man. If fans of Shawn Michaels believe that HBK has a chance to end the Undertaker's undefeated streak, their journey to WrestleMania XXV will be rather hellish, too.

Before Michaels got the chance to face the Undertaker, he had to beat not one, but two men. According to Shawn, wrestling the Undertaker at WrestleMania is some sort of prize. According to me, Michael's road to WrestleMania is equivalent to the road to become the worst, one-hundred-million-dollar lottery winner in the history of lottery winners. If someone were to tell you that could win one hundred million dollars, I'm sure you would be ecstatic. On the other hand, if you had to win that one hundred million dollars by facing and defeating everyone who wanted to win that money as well, would you want to buy a ticket for that lottery? I don't think so. You might as well pack up your dreams and invest them in a possible win at the nickel slots. Even though Michaels versus Undertaker will be a quality match, the build-up so far has been anything but quality. Shawn should have slipped him a note with the question "Do you want to face me at WrestleMania?" above two boxes. In turn, the Undertaker should have put a check mark in the “yes” box. What a grand feud starter.

Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show
Everybody Has To Be In A Match Somehow, So Let's Do Another Three-Way

For the unfortunate few who do not comprehend Big Show's inclusion into the restarted rivalry between Edge and John Cena, think about Money in the Bank and you'll know: WWE has to give everyone a match. I think of Big Show as the sideshow attraction of WrestleMania. At WrestleMania 21, the Big Show wore a dental floss thong and sumo-wrestled Akebono to silence. At WrestleMania XXIV, he lost to Floyd Mayweather with a brass knuckles shot to his Big Face. Because Chris Jericho has taken Show's special attraction match slot at WrestleMania, Vince McMahon has to give him something. His solution? Shoehorn him in the World Heavyweight Championship Match at the expense of Edge and Cena.

I am not saying that this three-way matchup does not have the potential to be an exciting and entertaining contest, but how many three-way WrestleMania title matches do we need? After all, this match makes the second year in a row that John Cena has competed in a triple threat. Why can't Vince let Cena have the spotlight for once? This year, his elaborate entrance would have consisted of a futuristic chuckwagon ride to the ring, but now that Big Show has reared his enormous, bald cranium into the proceedings, Cena's chuckwagon has been reduced to a Radio Flyer pulled by a small armadillo. Thanks a lot, Vince McMahon. Thanks for the lack of futuristic chuckwagons.

Money in the Bank #5
Six to Eight People Still Have Nothing To Do Around WrestleMania Time

As of late, WrestleMania is not WrestleMania without the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. With this bout, WWE gets the chance to settle a lengthy feud between several wrestlers at once. Six or eight people like to climb things and reach for briefcases, but those same six to eight people dislike watching other people climb things and reach for briefcases. Therefore, Money in the Bank determines which wrestler can climb things and reach for briefcases the best. You cannot get this action and drama elsewhere. I mean, you could try to duplicate this match in your garage, but will Shelton Benjamin be there? If not, who's going to watch? Plus, I don't care to watch matches in your garage. Your garage is a standard definition garage.

While I don't mind the inclusion of yet another Money in the Bank Match, I wonder why WWE feels the need to have it every year. Do all eight participants deserve a match at WrestleMania, or is World Wrestling Entertainment lazy? "I don't want to think up a reason for a Mark Henry match. Just make him climb a ladder... on the biggest ladder-y stage of them all. That visual will be funny because he is large." While everyone wants Mark Henry to gain a shot at a World Championship Title, I would rather see him win the opportunity in a regular match. A ladder may be present in said match, but I have no control over the presence of ladders in bouts other than Money in the Bank. I guess the ladder just wants to watch Henry win the big one. If the ladder buys a ticket, I cannot throw it out of the arena. Since he paid, he stays.

25-Woman Battle Royal
The Evolution of Cooters

Thankfully, the lumberjill matches at WrestleMania are done for now. For the benefit of the one fan who enjoyed watching WWE Divas standing around the ring doing nothing, I apologize for my accurate and correct opinion. With rumours of a women's battle royal at the event featuring past and present female talent, I look forward to the possible confrontations that may arise. I cannot wait to see such lovely ladies as Trish Stratus, Lita, Sunny, Sable, and Mae Young square off with one another. Whenever WWE brings back Mae Young, they create an original, lasting, and intellectually stimulating moment. What about that time Mae Young was a creepy old horndog with no self respect for herself? If she barks from a doghouse for an uncomfortable amount of time, WWE shall win several awards for everlasting excellence.

Judging from the most recent episode of RAW, the battle royal will center around an inter-promotional feud between Women's Champion Melina, who smiles a lot to signify that she is a babyface, and Divas Champion Maryse, who is French Canadian, making her a double heel. This battle royal is no Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme, but I have hope for this contest. Many members of the audience will use this match as their bathroom or food break, but not me. I will patiently sit before my television and watch the match in its entirely. If I need to eat, or dispose of my bodily waste, I shall try to combine both actions into one. Some think that concept is disgusting, but for the sake of Maryse and Melina, I am willing to make a scarring sacrifice. Do not pray for me. I am too far gone.


Monday, March 02, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 61st

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Money vs. Bank

Ch-ch-ch-ching, fiscal responsiblily, Li'l Laddy
Climb up, banking money for the future

I got a piggy for a bank (factual)
Side of bacon, what you thank?
I got a piggy for a bank (factual)
Side of bacon, what you thank?
I got a piggy for a bank (factual)
Side of bacon, what you thank?
I got a piggy for a bank (factual)
Side of bacon, what you thank?

I'm gonna get that case, high above the ring space
Young ladies that know me know just how much I can save
Get up those rungs, scale 'em one by one
Snatching up that contract like I'm starting a trust fund
You be tumbling from that ladder you set up
You be killing yourself among the flickering flashbulbs
I go get that container, to retain my chance
I be on center stage, doing my WrestleMania safety dance

Hold on, player please, before you start that elaborate spot
Get Benamin in position, so you'll gingerly get caught
I got dollar bills and fame waiting just for me
If an enemy try to snatch it, I'll pair off with him early
Got a bank account, in coin slots I deposit large amounts
Don't you dare break this with a hammer cause I'll have to recount
This little piggy went to market to win it all
But this little piggy's trading punches until you fall

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Wrestling with the mania.


You just saw three monkeys go by on a motorcycle, didn't you?

ECW Debuts

In its third year, World Wrestling Entertainment's version of Extreme Championship Wrestling continues to rule the Sci Fi airwaves with extremely, championship-like wrestling. Although we are far removed from the days of suave, good-looking male fans calling women crack whores, today's ECW is not too shabby in a time where shabbiness rules the shabby world in which we live. While I understand that hardcore followers of Paul Heyman's Extreme Championship Wrestling are disappointed with Vince McMahon's incarnation, they should be glad that the three letters they knew and loved proceed to be synonymous with the entertainment sport. For now, let us put away our Sabus and embrace our Boogeymen. We exist in a different time, in a different place than before. We should not go back.

Perhaps I was hesitant about the resurrection of ECW at first, but I am content with the current product now. Aren't you happy that the current roster of ECW does not have to wrestling in bingo halls and smelly ballrooms anymore? Aren't you happy that Joel Gertner is not present to spout off ten thousand too many sexual innuendos? According to his fashionable neck brace slash cushion, he's been recovering from some type of sexy car and or table and or chair accident for over ten years. Personally, I think he should take some time away from the ring to rest. I'm sure he longs to wear turtlenecks without stretching out the neck material.

After the debut episode of ECW on the Sci Fi Network, every professional wrestling analyst and their second cousin's cousin wanted to blast the brand for its inability to duplicate the in-your-face nature of the old ECW. At the time, Kelly Kelly was struggling to take off her bra. Little do the other professional wrestling analysts know that Kelly Kelly's bras are the hardest to take off, especially after a rousing family band performance. When I'm playing "Can't Fight This Feeling" on the ukulele, I go all out, no matter how tired my hands get afterwards. I'm a performer first, a successful, professional wrestling analyst second, a talented candlestick maker third, and a Kelly Kelly bra remover fourth. I have my priorities straight to an extreme degree. Do you, other analysts?

As we recall the summer of the year 2006, reminisce about a period in which life was much simpler. In our day, we didn't have two elimination chamber matches in a single night. We had to work overtime and find solace in one elimination chamber match. Furthermore, we didn't have cars. When we wanted to travel across the city, we had to attach a piece of cardboard to two wooden dowels holding four wheels of cheeses. After spinning those wheels for hours, what was our reward? Concrete-charred cheese. We ate those wheels of cheese as if they were the last wheels of cheese on Earth. With that said, I hope you enjoy this look back at a past today's children will never enjoy.


Welcome to a new breed unleashed. Welcome to Entertainment Championship Wrestling. This... is entertainment.

(In retrospect, I was a fan of the New Breed--an ECW stable featuring Elijah Burke (released), Marcus Cor Von (released), Matt Striker (announced), Kevin Thorn (devampified), and Ariel (boobed). When you get a boxer, a Monty Brown, a former Social Studies teacher, a male vampire named Kevin, and a female vampire together, you have yourself a mighty fine stable. This stable is a very, very, very fine stable... with two cats in this stable. They are like the Four Horsemen, if Ric Flair could box, if the pharmacist-looking Arn Anderson could pounce on his opponents over the pharmaceuticals counter, if Ole Anderson could teach, if Tully Blanchard could hate garlic, and if JJ Dillion had large breasts. We are so close, yet so far.)

ECW on Sci Fi
June 13, 2006 from Stargate SG-Fun

Match Results: New Jack Stripped, Sandman d. Spacey McAlienface, Kurt Angle d. Guy with ECW Shirt, Stephanie McMahon won ECW Cookie Sheet Battle Royal

Opening Promo

The ECW set was made up of rectangular pieces of wood to suggest a door frame. Above that was Vince McMahon's ass wrapped in barbed wire.

(If I wrapped a line of barbed wire in barbed wire, how extreme would my weapon be? In an ECW Extreme Rules Match, I think the most ideal weapon is an Aurora Rose Levesque or Murphy Claire Levesque wrapped in barbed wire. If had either one of those at my disposal, I would be untouchable. Nobody would want to get hit with my weapon. I bet I would win every match. Don't worry, though; Hunter and Stephanie are okay with my weapon. I feed my weapons Flintstones Chewables on a semi-regular basis. After all, they're growing children, and part-time wrestling weaponry.)

Paul Heyman came out with a black bag, a red bag, and a blue bag. Each bag had a different logo, with black being ECW, red being RAW, and blue being Smackdown. He said the following on the live mic: "If I were to told you the magical orb of Glendor 9 were in one of these bags, which one would you think it was in?" This brought out Rob Van Dam, who spun his newly won WWE Title. The spinning motion transported Paul, Rob, and the ECW audience into an alternative dimension in which dinosaurs ruled the world. Rob Van Dam walked into the ring and was about to choose from one of the bags when a Tyrannosaurus Rex appeared in a throwback jersey and sneaker pumps.

The crowd cheered loudly when T-Rex took all three bags and violently emptied the contents onto the canvas. The red bag contained a collection of Rollerball DVDs; the blue bag contained Finlay's leprechaun, and the black bag contained the orb which was the centerpiece of the new ECW World Title. T-Rex broke the orb, which infuriated Rob so they started to battle in the ring. T-Rex tried to Rex-U him, but Rob Van Dam escaped. In a fantastic moment, Rob threw the title in the dinosaur's face and hit a mistimed Van Daminator. Paul encouraged the audience to chant “E-C-W,” but they were quickly taken away and eaten by carnivorous pterodactyls. This was a great segment that reminded me a lot like the old ECW, but instead of people, there were dinosaurs.

(Even when Rob Van Dam tries to kick a Tyrannosaurus Rex in the face, he's not always accurate. Due to their tiny arms, I don't think the Tyrannosaurus Rex is a good worker either, nor is he a good seller. All he can do is look through windows with a single eye. Nathan Jones could do that, so why should WWE sign a Tyrannosaurus Rex to a lengthy contract? Vladimir Kozlov is enough for me. I'm good, World Wrestling Entertainment. We're good. We're all good. On the other hand, please re-sign the Rhyno (the rhinocerous) to a lucrative contract. He enjoys the company of vases now.)

New Jack Tease

New Jack arrived on the scene and teased he was going to strip in front of the entire audience. He said he was an exhibitionist the likes we have never seen. They were like "O RLY?" and he was like "YA, RLY." He proceeded to take off his clothes, but sliced a guy in the eye instead. If WWE or The Sci-Fi network actually believes that this act will get New Jack over, they are absolutely correct. He is lovely.

(When I was younger, I didn't think of New Jack as a wrestler because he didn't actually wrestle. How does bringing a shopping cart full of weapons to the ring and hitting dudes in the face with each weapon equal wrestling? If I am wrong, my neighbourhood hobo is a talented professional wrestler. His name is New Bertram. I don't know how he got the rights to use the music out on the streets, but New Bertram's theme is "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube & Dr. Dre as well. I cannot dispute this fact because a cube of ice and a certified rapping doctor provide the rapping for this song. They are scholars.)

Kurt Angle vs. ECW Shirt Guy

Kurt Angle came out with a mouthpiece that read ECW, an earpiece that read "Hardcore", a nose plug that read "Extreme", and an eye patch that read "Welcome to the new ECW on the Sci Fi Network. My name is Kurt Angle and I am an Olympic Gold Medalist. Let me tell you about my life story..." His eye patch had a lot of writing on it, most of which I could not read, but I'm sure it was quite informative. It was written in calligraphy, too.

(One day, Kurt Angle will wear an eye patch to the ring. He will have little to no depth perception, but he will look like a bald, American pirate. I am tired of these British pirates and their willingness to act in such an effeminate manner. I want to see some macho, American pirates in this mother. If WWE gives me Paul Burchill again, so help me I will start a riot. I will use my hook hand to put Paul Burchill in the Ankle Lock, while my American parrot sings patriotic songs like Toby Keith.)

Then, a guy in an ECW t-shirt ran into the ring. I don't recall his name, but he stood out to everyone in the building with his unique look of a bald head, a black shirt, and jeans. Kurt Angle made quick work of him and made him tap out to a rear naked choke. Joey Styles called it "The Babymaker".

(If you plan to introduce wrestling to an individual who does not follow it, do not let them see the rear naked choke. At its best, professional wrestling can be taken seriously, but when I think about the rear naked choke, they have no excuse. I simply apologize to the viewer for subjecting him or her to the unpleasant sight and leave the room, which I don't even do when Shane McMahon dances on the ramp. If Shane involves himself in a personal feud with Randy Orton, he's got to dance, dude. That dance is his War Dance. He calls it "The Shane-O-Shuffle." When he dances, I pay everyone in the room to close their eyes.)

ECW Wrestler Pseudo-debut

Outside the arena, The Count from Sesame Street appeared in front of the electronic marquee and showed his fangs to the audience. He was holding a bag of rice cakes in his hand. He looked briefly into the camera, ate a rice cake, then said "One, two, three calories! Ha ha ha!"

The crowd chanted "No trans fat! No trans fat!" Tazz said, "Only in ECW." I agree.

(If I had the opportunity to write storylines for 2006 ECW, I would bring The Count into the company and feud him with Kevin Thorn to determine who is the most “vampire-y of vampires.” The Count would gather his cronies from Sesame Street for a sneaky beat down on Thorn. His muscle, the Cookie Monster, would execute "The Cookie Crumbler" (two-handled choke bomb) before The Count posed before the fans, counting his own pin. At the next December to Dismember in the year 2060, The Count would win... by count out. This is my Rock versus Austin. Don't you forget it.)

Sandman vs. Spacey McAlienface

Sandman did not enter to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, which infuriated ECW fans everywhere because without that song, there is no hope for the return of his American flag pants. Instead, he came out to "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. Surprisingly, some of the crowd got into the song when Sandman posed the question "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" With his Singapore cane, he wrote an imaginary question mark in the air for emphasis. They cheered, of course. This was a very ECW/Sandmanesque moment.

(The Pussycat Dolls remind me of the bland version of Maria, what with their ability to look weird naked. I haven't seen any of The Pussycat Dolls naked, nor have I seen Maria's photo shoot in Playboy Magazine, but I get the feeling they look weird when naked. I hope they wear clothes in the shower. Otherwise, they would probably wouldn't look that great. CM Punk knows what I'm talking about, I think.)

The lights dimmed and John Cena's Ghetto Spaceship appeared out of thin air. The sold out crowd was expecting the Doctor of Thuganomics to show his face, but instead it was a wrestler with an alien mask, dressed in a kilt. He gave the finger to the audience, then did a crotch chop with his tentacles. He got great heat with those gestures until Sandman got to him. He caned him upside the head, but then tried to chain-wrestle. The crowd hated this part so they quickly went to the finish, which was Sandman rolling up the alien for the three count with his hand on the bottom rope and his feet on the middle ropes for added leverage. Total disaster if you're a WWE fan, or a complete success if you like hardcore.

(What happened to John Cena's Ghetto Spaceship that debuted at the Royal Rumble a few years ago? That ghetto spaceship could have taken us to Mars, where John and his alien buddies would wrestle shirtless on the ground for some reason. You are attending a barbeque, John. If you want to eat, you must put on a shirt. If he was at my barbeque, I would ask him to leave. I do not tolerate shirtless barbeque eaters, let alone shirtless barbeque eaters who wrestle with other shirtless barbeque eaters. Shirts are inexpensive.)

10 Man Cookie Sheet-To-Face Battle Royal

The participants were Tommy Dreamer, Al Snow, Roadkill, Danny Doring, Balls Mahoney, Sabu, Big Show, Tony Mamaluke, Little Guido, Big Guido, Sign Guy Guido, and Brother Guido. There were actually twelve men in this one, but it was counted as ten because some ECW wrestlers could be combined to make one decent WWE superstar. Only Sabu and the Big Show got their own entrances because they won the 50/50 draw at the door. Big Show was the star of the match because he was larger than everyone else, while Sabu broke 47 bones in his body by just standing there, existing.

(Like Rob Van Dam, Sabu makes his mistakes, but I forgive him for he is many adjectives that end with the suffix -cidal. He's a multi-tasker in genie pants. Although, I sometimes wonder if he botches every day activities. When he tries to lick ice cream from a delicious ice cream cone, does he miss? Does the ice cream go into his eye or something? If so, he's pretty rad; I would dig him more than I do now.)

In a complete shock, the lights darkened again. When they returned, Stephanie McMahon appeared in the audience. She was wearing her ECW beret, swinging two long baguettes in her hands. The fans went bananas, grapefruits, and watermelons in reaction to her return. The fans screamed "Welcome back, accurate representation of citizens of the French persuasion," while Stephanie rode a bike to the ring with a mouthful of snails.

(French, leather berets do no belong in any version of Extreme Championship Wrestling, Stephanie. In ECW, you wear baseball caps that hide your skullet, or you wear nothing. Please note this detail upon your next visit to the Land of Extreme for I am unwilling to remind you.)

Pregnant Steph entered the ring and was ambushed, but eventually threw everyone out. She gave them money to buy her pickles and chocolate ice cream because she had a craving. Big Show got a hold of Steph and tried to chokeslam her, but she clocked him in the head with a baguette too, which made him bleed butter. She dipped the bread in the butter and ate it to celebrate, which was the most extreme moment of the night. Big Show was eliminated via Stephanie blowing air in his direction, which took him up and over the top rope. The crowd chanted "Thank you, Steph!" as the ECW locker room came out and hoisted her on their shoulders.

(In 2009, the leaner Big Show bleeds margarine. He’s eating healthier. He wants to see his child and future children grow up, for goodness sake. He will name one future child Medium Show, while the other one will be called Side Attraction. They will live in a movie theatre or some other equivalent venue.)

Final Thoughts: If you didn't like this episode, you are dead to me, you hear?

This WWEek in ECW Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that, if you were to take the initials of ECW and use it in a clever but insulting manner, you could call it Extremely Crappy Wrestling?

A: What? Wait a minute... holy crap. You can. I hope Jerry Lawler knows about this.

(You see how I spelled the word “week” in 2006, Matt Striker? Suckers must accomplish many tasks, but first of all, they better recognize.)