Monday, August 27, 2007

Playin' the Feud: Rock Star

I surveyed 100 fur coats:



Fetch me my chesterfield, Tazzwell. Young Snikskington wishes for a slumberous nap thusly.


The Swerved One-Year Anniversary is almost upon us. Get ready for it this late September. Bring flare guns and an extra pair of underwear.

Diva Search & Rescue

Every year since 2004, World Wrestling Entertainment has given its fans the treat of watching a slew of beautiful ladies fight it out for a chance to be oogled at by those same fans for one guaranteed and profitable year. Past winners include Christy Hemme, who received two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollars for feeding her posterior baked goods, but was later let go due to the massive cost required to put her posterior through college. In 2005, Ashley Massaro took the Diva Search Crown and proceeded to injure herself on it several times over. And yes, I do not blame her for crowns are too bejeweled. In the year that was 2006, Layla El took the title and proceeded to hang out with The Miz on Smackdown television, subsequently losing her winnings into thin air due to her association with the man. The Diva Search is a competition that tests wits, agility, and the patience of many. This 2007, RAW will host yet another installment. Will this year's competition be as exciting and enthralling as previous?

We may never see again the likes of Carmella and Christy calling each other derogatory terms such as "not a nice person (at times)" and "summertime procrastinator." Mine eyes will not be met once more with the joyous sight of watching Sgt. Slaughter guide models through a model obstacle course of skip-roping, potato-sacking, and almost-naked-but-not-quite danger in a land of tires. Kristal Marshall wowed the crowd once by pouring blue paint all over her person and painting a picture with her breasts. These are the glory moments, my professional wrestling appreciating chum. Twenty years from now, we will look back with fondness at WWE Diva Searches and wonder what happened to the magic. We will be in our rocking chairs, sipping lemonade under the setting sun. You will ask, "Hey, remember when that girl Summer tried to do a kick in the air and fell on her ass?"

"Yes. Good times. Great memories," I will say while sharing a Werther's Original with my ungrateful, naive, and stupid grandchildren. "You have take it out of the wrapper first, Thurston. Why the hell did they name you Thurston anyway? That's terrible. No, I'm not in the mood to show you how to eat an Oreo. You'll screw up my Oreos. Go play virtual video games or something."

Dear wrestling viewer, do not be annoyed by the WWE Diva Search for there is nothing to be annoyed about. Truly, the 2007 WWE Diva Search could be our saviour in this depressing world. It may even start the next wrestling boom period. Eight women may spark the revolution with their tanned, grating voice glory. Let us meet the force behind the power.

Taryn It Up

Contestant #1
Taryn Terrell
Mandelville, LA

"A student and model, Taryn also has extensive training in powerlifting and weight training, and stays fit through rollerblading, kickboxing and drill training with the New Orleans Saints, to name a few ways. Taryn is a master scuba diver, and has done charity work with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation." -

From her description, it seems as though Taryn has a lot of energy. In my opinion, energy is a great tool in The Game of Life. Energy can take a person to the highest of highs and the peakiest of peaks.

One time, I finished a delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant with a fancy name. When the check came to my table, I reached into my wallet for my Visa card, only to finger through the empty slits. I sifted through the folds and flaps of my coin purse for loose change and or bills, but was unsuccessful in my attempt to attain legal tender. When the waiter came over to take my money, I gave him energy instead. He looked at his earnings and said, "Thank you forever. This is the greatest tip of all." Taryn will go far in this competition because she has loads of energy. In fact, she has so much energy that she must store most of her energy in her bra. Here, here, sister girl. You have the gift that women desire and several others envy. You have the gold that male prospectors dig all their lives to extract from the rocks. Use it. Don't abuse it. God speed, Miss Terrell.

Prediction: She will be hired for her mind.


Na-o-mi, Na-o-ma, Life Stops Here

Contestant #2
Naomi Kirk
Los Angeles, CA

"This Canada native is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and Dallas Mavericks dance team member. A model and TV host, Naomi says her supreme self-confidence is what has gotten her so far at a young age." -

I am a distinguished writer. I have won countless awards for my general writing superiority and ability to stick my nose up at others. With that said, Naomi is an adorable basket of shimmering rainbows. Some may say that they just want to take her home and eat her up, but I am not a fan of cannibalism; not even a casual one.

Naomi Kirk has the Maria Kanellis Factor working for her. World Wrestling Entertainment already has a Maria on their roster, but they could use a Naomi. Together, Maria and Naomi could form a new stable called The Babysitter's Club in which they and other WWE Divas gather around in a circle and talk about girly things like monster trucks and double pinfalls. The brunette to blonde ratio seems very low in the company. They will need someone like Naomi who can balance the ratio to a respectable level like 1 brunette for every 2,000,000 blondes. I for one will cheer for Naomi because her hair colour is elusive in the world of World Wrestling Entertainment. And, no, hair colour is not the most ridiculous thing I've celebrated about a person before. Fpr instance, Mickie James has a smoking hot left eyebrow. Oh, to be that girl's right eyebrow.

Prediction: Captainess Kirk--set phasers to superstardom.


I Respect You, Brookerman

Contestant #3
Brooke Gilbertsen
San Diego, CA

"A self-proclaimed risk-taker, Brooke loves the spotlight. The native Californian’s interests include modeling, fitness instruction for children, dancing and hopping on her pink Vespa with her toy poodle in tow."

Even though she will most definitely be only called Brooke, I believe Gilbertsen is a charismatic wrestling name. From a professional wrestling standpoint, other money-making names include but are not limited to Schneebly, Butts, and Poppelgunderman.

As many viewers will see in the coming weeks, Brooke is a sassy blonde. Sassy blondes are one of a kind in sunny California. Now, if Brook loves the spotlight so much, I have ten spotlights in my bomb shelter that I am not using at the moment. Would she care for a light of spot or two? Lovely Brooke is adept at posing with a half-playful, half-sultry smirk. Additionally, she can playfully and sultryryly smirk with one arm rested above her gorgeous Goldilocks locks. World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite foolish not to snatch her up, whether or not she is voted as the winner of the 2007 Raw Diva Search. If you look at her interests, she is fit for the job more than any other female in the contest. She fitness instructs children, for Vince's Illegitimate Son's sake. From my experiences with kids, all they do is pick their scabs and down Elmer's glue straight from the bottle. Brooke actually teaches them how to curl heavier and heavier bottles of glue before they drink out of them. Also, vote for her or she will continue her scooter rampage. Her poodle does not deserve to be dragged on the cement like that.

Prediction: Babbling Brooke runs through Competition River.


Looks Lead to Beauty. Beauty Leads to Attention. And Attention Leads to Mindless Subtle Dancing in a Ring.

Contestant #4
Lena Yada
Los Angeles, CA

"A native Hawaiian, Lena is ranked No. 8 in the world in professional tandem surfing and is a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic Japan. Lena’s also starred in TV commercials and had a role in the recent movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." -

For the sake of reader knowledge, I am going to misinterpret her surname as Yoda from this sentence onward. Lightsabre mastery and old-timey wisdom should benefit her in this competition.

It is a shame that WWE has little to no Asian-American representation in their company. Sure, Jimmy Wang Yang and Funaki are three-dimensional characters that inspire us all, though I certainly do not count on them to be effective role models for Asian-American youths. Jimmy Wang Yang is not my boy. Funaki is not the number one Smackdown announcer. In wrestling history, perhaps it was Yoshihiro Tajiri that can claim the title of Greatest Asian Ever. Do you remember when Jonathan Coachman asked Tajiri (a Japanese descendant) to get him food, but it was Chinese food? Yes, World Wrestling Entertainment treated him and only him perfectly. When it came to Tajiri, his character was given the utmost respect. Someday, I wish Yoda will revolutionize the wrestling industry. Never again will Asians be associated with strictly Asian things. If we're lucky, WWE may even let her use a spoon instead of a chopstick.

Prediction: Hired she will be. I sense much vacancy in her.


Even Eve-n

Contestant #5
Eve Torres
Los Angeles, CA

"This L.A. Clippers Spirit Dancer loves running, aerobics, kickboxing and salsa dancing. Eve isn’t just a pretty face – she’s known to be adept at solving a Rubik’s Cube, too!" -

I am sitting here with mouth agape. Drool is flowing from seven of my nineteen orifices. Eve Torres is a beautiful breath of fresh air in a stank and dank wrestling industry. There are not a lot of descriptions in the English language that can accurately convey the greatness that is Eva. Therefore, I will shout her power to the mountains with loud yelps; they will bounce off mountain ropes and five-knuckle-shuffle my conscience. Step aside, Melina. You will be hating life when Eva comes to town, Michelle McCool. Step aside again, Melina; you did not step aside far enough. Eve Torres is the new everything. Historians are etching it official on a tablet right now.

Lest we forget her name for she will ride my waves of admiration into the main event. Once there, she will never wrestle. She will simply exist and the three world titles will be hers. The ECW Championship will levitate into her hands, drawn by her extreme eyes. The World Heavyweight Championship will leave the soft hands of the Smackdown champ and knock at her doorstep with a bouquet of posies. Finally, the WWE Championship will spin for all time. A picture of Eve's face will adorn the spinning title. Its graphic will hypnotize you. Millions of critics claimed that Vince was crazy for implying that three wrestlers could be the best in the world at the same time. I tend to agree. You see, Eve Torres is not the tri-champion of one world. Truly, she is the tri-champion of three worlds. First, she conquers Mercury, Venus, and Earth. Then, she will wear Orion's belt fashionably and seductively. Who knows what her beauty will do next? What's that new ninth planet called? Orb #37485.9? Well, she'll rule that one too.

Prediction: I can be her Adam, ladies. I can take away her pain. I will watch these RAWs forever. And she can take my vote away.


Counting Jessicas Before They Hatch

Contestant #6
Jessica Hatch
Houston, TX

"This Texas native is a sports enthusiast who played college volleyball and softball. Jessica has also taken top honors at various fitness shows, and even plays a mean game of bowling." -

Jessica is a Southern Belle that all the fellows out there want to bring home to mother and father and sister and brother and ex-lover. Also, she is yet another blonde in a sandy hair city.

When you're a WWE Diva, you need to stand out from the rest of the pack. Jessica, with her tanned skin that almost transforms her into a different ethnicity, fails to make herself known due to her bland appearance. Jessica, with her fit physique and bleachy mane, cuts cookies. Although she cannot be unique with the look that she currently possesses, Jessica's abilities and talents could be her selling point. If Jessica is as athletic as she claims, she will need the assistance of the type of sport that can amaze the crowds in nationwide arenas and viewers at home. What do I suggest? Jessica will need a pommel horse. A snazzy two-minute routine with leg scissor swipes and torso twirls will do. Perform that session to a fast-paced country song and we will have ourselves the next WWE Diva. Jessica does not look like a marvel, yet she can be marvelous with action. Pommel horse action. Everything is big in Texas. Jessica will be another one of those big things.

Prediction: Pommel horse it for the win.


Kim Kiminy, Kim Kiminy, Kim Kim Ki-roo

Contestant #7
J. Kim
Catawba, NC

"A former Miss Hawaiian Tropic, this Carolinian says she’s a country girl at heart, and enjoys getting dirty while bow hunting, fishing and four-wheeling. A true fitness buff, J. is a personal trainer and loves helping others accomplish their fitness goals." -

Like all wrestling fans, I judge beautiful woman by the kind of fitness goals they can help me accomplish. If J. Kim can find it in her super-sexy frame to help me set some personal fitness goals, she will gain my approval in this year's Diva Search. Firstly, I wish to gain ten pounds of muscle, then lose those same ten pounds. Nextly, I plan to go on a kind of diet in which I watch nothing but RAW and eat nothing but raw meat. As a third goal, I want to beat ECW Champion John Morrison in a game of Who Has The Most Abs That Can Be Seen Outside Their Body? So far, Morrison is the proud owner of six abdomen muscles. If J. Kim assists me, I think I can push out a seventh that will make the ladies scream with joy. "Inhuman," they will shout. "No, Kimpossible!" I will reply with cleverness. Somewhere on Sci-Fi, John Morrison will be shedding his tears. They will rain down on his abs. Only six abs will glisten. I will laugh in victory. Tears of joy on those seven abs, people.

Since J. Kim does not appear to have a complete first name, I will assume that "J." was written on her birth certificate. Her mother and father thought for a fortnight, wondering what to name their little pretty bundle of joy and pep and joyous pepness, but could not accurately put into words what to call her lovely being.

Prediction: J. Kim will be shipped off to Ohio Valley Wrestling in Louisville, Kentucky to work the WWE-style of names. One day, if she works hard enough, she might attain enough letters in training to complete her first name. The letters may not fit in relation to one another, but it'll get her a call-up to the big leagues. Here's you to, Jhoxuysl Kim.


Frieson Temperatures

Contestant #8
Lyndy Frieson
Vancouver, BC

"This outdoorsy Canadian was a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Canada and has a background in martial arts. Lyndy says she loves entertaining people and her interests include horseback riding and hiking." -

Oh, you have stolen my heart like you have stolen that second Y in your first name. You didn't ask for that second Y; you just took it. You hail from my country 'tis of thee sweet land maple syrupy. You live in a city which is also the permanent host to the never-ending Stephen Rivera Chucklethon Festival. You have gorgeous blonde hair that is long. Your chestal area is as robust as coffee is caffeinated. I have never dreamt of a woman as Frieson-y as you. If you do not win the WWE Diva Search '07 Edition, I will march up to World Wrestling Entertainment Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut and mutter a curse word under my breath, accompanied by a hearty fist shake for good measure. You cannot tear Lyndy and I apart, publicly traded sports entertainment company. We belong together in the same manner that Charlie Haas functions as the Lenny to Shelton Benjamin's Carl, except more sexier. A lot more sexier. Get another bushel basket because there's a whole lot of hot left to be picked from the hot tree.

Prediction: Winner winner potluck dinner made of paint thinner

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 24th

Triple H vs. King Friday XIII

Thank goodness it's King Friday

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

King Friday can't grin with his expressionless face
But he can move his arms while his head stays in place
Through the openings in the castle he makes his decree
Ruling neighbourhoods where it is all make-believe

King Friday was so jolly
Hey look, there's that trolley

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

The King of Fridays
There can only be 52 Fridays in one calendar year

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Wait, hold on a second. I can't hear you. These people over here are talking so loud about how they don't like babies and puppies and things like that.


Looks like them Duke boys are starting a joint checking account.

Want Advertisements

Wrestling fans across the universe sit solemnly in their ratty couches, dressed in slippers, torn shorts, and a stained tanktop, waiting to be chosen as a worthwhile contributor to society. Many individuals crowd before their television, analyze the week that was professional wrestling programming, and wonder if they too can make the big bucks akin to the performers of today. Young teenage wrestling enthusiasts, who are the whippersnappers of our future, are whipwrecked in dead-end jobs, working for mere dimes and day-old hamburgers. Even adult appreciators of the industry wish they could be innovative and successful employees of WWE, or TNA, rather than stuck in a maze of cubicles and incessant phone ring after phone ring. Due to the current economy, which has left us mostly down and mostly out, we continue to exist under a darkening cloud of unhappiness and unfulfilled aspirations. Many of you may have already thrown in the towel and accepted your mediocre lifestyle with off-white picket fences and only 1.5 children. But, there is hope.

What or who will rescue us from the rut? Newspaper classifieds. To the ignorant, want advertisements are nothing but 50-words-or-less jumbles of abbreviated words submitted by strangers wanting to get rid of their hand lawnmowers and smelly furniture in exchange for a few dollar-dollars. To the intelligent, encountering want advertisments in a newspaper is like finding an actual coin in the center of a chocolate coin. Everyday, national and local print publications showcase great deals and exciting employment opportunities. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling even partake in the advertising of their wants. Did you know that want advertisements is how that all major companies acquire their most loyal and productive hands? No, you don't, but you should because I told you. This is your chance to make a somebody out of your nobody self. This is it. Make it or break it. Choose it or lose it. Take it to the bank or leave it with the skank. Put it on the board or live inside your Ford. You need to become awesome or be hung upside down like a possum. I'm done. I need bed rest after prolonged fits of rhyming.

Now, I know professional wrestling breeds a pessimistic bunch; years of quick roll-ups and double disqualifications out of the ring have left you jaded. Additionally, even I have tried to stay positive during times which are quite trying yet I often fail in my attempts. With that said, I was taught a long time ago that giving up is not an option in life. In fact, when all hope tries to sink to the bottom of the whirlpool ocean of despair... hope floats. Let Sandra Bullock be your guide. Thank you, inanimate motion picture. Danke schoen, Speed 2: Cruise Control I guess.

Want are in the Wrestling Want Ads? Let's take look-see and see-look:

DJ for Theodore Long-Kristal Marshall Wedding Reception

To the lucky few who possess turntables and large headphones you only tuck between your shoulder and the side of your head, take my advice and do not agree to take this job. I am one but several sports entertainment writers/mixmasters in Western North America. I have pumped up numerous jams at wedding parties all over this di-province and tri-state area. Receptions involving wrestling show general managers and Diva Search Contestant losers are disastrous events that end in much sadness. If you have never trusted me before, please take my word for this one instance and do not DJ the Long-Marshall wedding. It will end in heartbreak. There will be no dancing. Any rhythmic movements you see on the body of Teddy Long will be purely coincidental. He will be running from the dance floor with tears streaming down his face. Between joyous fits of laughter, that good-for-nothing schemer Kristal Marshall will gather his tears in a bucket and sell them to the audience Cryme Tyme style. Vickie Guerrero will be there. Nothing good can come from this gig.

Agent for Karen Angle

Karen Angle is not the first legitimate spouse of a professional wrestler to be featured on television. In the heydays of World Championship Wrestling, Kimberly Page danced funky in unison with about seven or eight other women as the Nitro Girls while Diamond Dallas signaled for the Jay-Z Cutter and downed his opponents with 99 Problems. Years later, the Undertaker was joined on television by his wife, Sarataker, in his quest to vanquish that very DDP. Total Non-Stop Action may believe that Karen Angle is great for business, but you best believe to not put your business in that business. Do not get me wrong for Mrs. Angle is a fetching woman, yet if TNA is wishing to fetch ratings with her, they are super wrong. Take this job if you are the wife of an agent.

Replacement for Pacman Jones

Tennesseee Titan Adam "Pacman" Jones is not allowed to wrestle in TNA. Therefore, we need a replacement. He can ghost tag with Ron "Ms. Pac-Man" Killings all he wants, but his feet will never leave the apron. Jones is in need of another football player who is cleared to step inside the squared circular hexagon. Kevin Greene may have cut the mustard in World Championship Wrestling, but that was back then in the late 1700s. Today, we need a fresh footballer-turned-grappler. Michael Vick, if you listening to me and or reading this piece, please answer this advertisement. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling can only benefit from signing another player with a clean-cut image such as yourself. Professional wrestling requires credibility. According to my secret sources, Michael Vick's mother's maiden name was Credibility. Justine Credibility.

Support for Big Daddy V

ECW's resident monster, who's handled by a teacher with a retractable pointer and intimidating pocket protector, tears it up in the ring every week on Sci-Fi. While he manhandles no-name opponents who wear generic tights, his gargantuan body gets in the way of his path of destruction. Surely, his adversaries weigh a combined upward of a garbage bag of balloons though he cannot squash them to the best of his ability if his pectoral area continues to sway in the breeze like falling leaves from an apple tree, leaving his mobility and view substantiallly limited. So, to the unemployed readers of want advertisements, you will be able to help Big Daddy V in his struggle to not be so jiggly if you possess the power of ten men. If you have friends are family who also have the power of ten men, they may be hired too. Together, you, who has the power of ten men, will join nine of your cohorts, who should each have the power of ten men. One person who has the power of ten men multiplied by the ten men in your group equals a lot of numbers (with a remainder of three probably if you cross-multiply and divide). Big Daddy V is in need of a gaggle of supporters who will hold up his great anterior excess through life in lieu of a lady's bra. Do you have a flatbed truck, crane, tractor trailer, or a Rikishi Bed of Hay on Wheels? If so, a vehicle like one of the aforementioned will come in handy. For your work, you will be paid handsomely in the form of $1,000,000. Then, you will be charged ugly-ly in the form of $1,000,001. The American Dream has come alive.

Basketball for The Great Khali

The reigning World Heavyweight Champion loves to play team sports. As fluid as he is in the squared circle, The Great Khali's force does not always equal fun in other environments. There are times when his inhuman strength becomes a weakness rather than a strength. In his great spare time, The Great Khali loves to play basketball and dunk on his opponents by standing in place. Although, gripping the ball can be challenge. Last week on Smackdown, the Great Khali destroyed a basketball with his iron claws. Despite what viewers believe, he did not deflate the ball on purpose. He was looking to play pick-up with his homies; his excitement overpowered the basketball. What does Khali have to do to shoot some hoops around here without smashing every basketball he caresses with his milky hands? Well, this is where you come into the employment picture. Can you roll into a ball? Are you orange and a tad leathery? Are you an official sphere of the National Basketball Association? If you have answered yes to at least two of these three questions, you qualify to be The Great Khali's human basketball. The pay may not be much (in the realm of two Khali Laughs per hour) but the amount of job satisfaction lasts a lifetime.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 23rd

Scrappy-Doo vs. Chavo Guerrero

Ooooooh Chavo
Hi, I'm Scrappy-Doo


Doin' it for Eddie power!
Ooooooh Chavo


Oooooh Chavo-Davo-Doo!

The Question
Who wins and how?



Those who do not slam in the summer will be unforgiven in a series that will pit a survivor against an armageddon that shows no mercy.


Dear Randy, keep on reaching for the cherries. There you go, my friend.

The Swerved Recordings: Vince McMahon

Like a 60-some-odd-year-old phoenix rising from the ashes of his exploded white limousine, Vince McMahon has returned to World Wrestling Entertainment with the vengeance of a thousand vengeful warriors. In light of recent steroid controversy and speculation surrounding the publicly owned company, and professional wrestling in general, Vince is fighting back with snide replies and underhanded responses. As the attacks become more frequent, and the criticisms are expressed to growing national and international audiences, Vince shows his brave face. His recently grown hair is his steel armour. His bulky suit is his impenetrable shield of justice. His swagger shakes off the crowd of violent townspeople set on burning his magical being to the stake. In a day and age in which it would be easy for Vince McMahon and his WWE to run for cover, they are running alright. They are running towards the enemy.

Along with his cast of oiled up, outlandish, and muscly performers, Vince is ready to dish out the hurt just as well as he has taken it. People like Finlay embody the tireless spirit of the chairman for he too does not back down from a fight. Take that, Marc Mero, and your tight-skinned facial features. Finlay will slay you with comebacks containing roundabout truths and buzz phrases. John Cena is but another loyal henchmen for the cause. Larry King has been humbled by Cena's talent for answering what is really on the mind of the wrestling fan: "How good is a good wrestler?" Good?" Vince McMahon will not back down from a challenge, whether it originates in the media or in the public. He will yell at the challenge, feud with the challenge for many months until everyone yawns with boredom, then feud with the challenge for another year, then have the challenge kiss his posterior, and then bring in Shane to feud with the challenge. In the game of Win, Lose, or Draw, Vince McMahon wins every time while he draws the loser being all loser-y with a loser face on a sketch pad made of losers.

How will he take victory to the next level, you ask? How will Vince vent his frustrations? Through song, of course. This late summer, get ready for...

The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon's

Track Listing

1. This is Vince McMahon's Jam, Damnit (Interlude)
2. Your Mother is a 2.5 Rating
3. Limo Go Boom, I Go Zoom
4. The Media is One Big Carnivorous Cyclops Monster from the Depths of the Underworld
5. Illegitimate Children Legitimately Make Me Angry
6. How Dare You Ask Me Questions Begging Much Needed Answers
7. Congress is a Bunch of Smiling Paul Londons
8. Steph by Steph
9. Blame it on the Shane
10. Backed into the Corner w/ R. Kelly (Parts I-L)
11. I Like My Muscles How I Like My Wrestlers (Big and Veiny)
12. Hunterback ft. Triple H
13. Squared Circle of Life
14. Barney Fife is an Outdated Pop Culture Reference (But I Will Use It Anyway Because It Has Comedic Relevance to Me, and Therefore, The Whole World) [Judge Ito on a Rotary Phone Remix]
15. You're Friared
16. Vince McMahon's Out, Damnit (Exitlude)

The Swerved Recordings is proud to present Vince McMahon's debut LP entitled Ventilation. Vince McMahon dons the uniform of an air conditioner repair man to rid to world of hot seats. He has not created a spoken word album, but a soulful album that speaks to you in a metaphoric manner so he does not have to. Never again will he have to answer to the curious peoples. The temperature is getting pretty toasty. Vince will be installing four units of honesty with eight settings of facts (Factual Facts, True Facts, Factual True Facts, True Factual Facts, Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth Facts, and Breezy). In this interrogation room we call Earth, things are about to get a lot more comfortable.

The summer air is heavy. This room is filling up with warm lies. Turn on the air conditioning so we may feel the relief of Vince McMahon's cold truths.

What is the word on the street about Ventilation? Real nice-sounding words... like "acquiescene" or "meat". Here are a few reactions to this cool album:

"Computing aural data into mainframe. Conclusion--Mister Mackman has done it again. Fear him or he will destroy you. End of verbal transmission." - The Gerald Brisco Robot Without Personal Opinion or Dignity

"If you listen very closely, you can hear his grapefruits tapping lightly against the studio microphone. Nice touch." - Grapefruit Sounds Appreciation Society

"If they are the size of grapefruits, he should not be bragging about them. He should see me immediately. That is not normal." - Vince McMahon's Doctor

"Thank you Jesus, thank you Vince, thank you ITunes Gift Card." - The Iron Sheik

"I am just here to get embarrassed by Vince once again. There you go. Ten seagulls just crapped on my face. If you need me in a dress anytime soon, I'll be in the waiting room." - Eric Bischoff

"If each of my ears had a face, they would be smiling right now. Sports entertainment music at its finest." - WWE Fan #1054895 Being Interviewed for Television

"Oooooh." - The Ghost of Vince McMahon, Sr.

"This is actually bad, but I'm going to say it's good because it's all we have." - The Wrestling Industry Post-April 2001

Any other reactions? If Tony the Tiger was alive today, he would tighten his neckerchief and say, "Brrrr....great!" in reaction to the album. You see, Vince McMahon has also installed an air conditioner in Tony the Tiger's posthumous Frosted Flake Condominium. It's very hot outside, but cold inside. This is how air conditioning works, friend. Don't question it. Just buy it.

The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon
Dropping Very Soon. Like, Right Now or Something.

This WWEek in Vince McMahon Commentary of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that Vince McMahon, fake deather and WWE Chairman, is having a party and will cry if he wants to?

A: I hope you choke on your apple. Real bad.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Homer Sezings Once More

Wrestling historian Homer Jay Simpson continues to inform:



Hey, that's my novelty flying disc. Give it back, Hunter. You are ruining the biggest party of the summer.


I will fight you, but first, care for some pink lemonade in my gazebo?

RAW Improvement

As of this writing, World Wrestling Entertainment is operating in panic mode in reaction to the smallness of Monday Night RAW's ratings. You'd think that this past week's episode was a smash hit, due to the main event which was made up of Randy Orton distracting John Cena by flailing his limbs like a overturned cockroach. In a study I read or may have dreamt, males in the 18-to-34-year-old demographic enjoy watching violence, sensual depictions of lady parts, and bug acting (in reverse order). Alas, no matter how hard they try, the current RAW talent cannot capture the hearts and minds of the people. S.S. Monday Night has a broken mast. Its sails are wilting on the decks of mediocrity. The crew plays violin as the passengers try to escape from the carnage on rafts. Women and children are first. We are all doomed.

But, are we really?

I may not be employed by Vince McMahon and WWE but I know what's good for the gander and the goose. If they want ratings to soar to the sky, all they have to do is ask the pilot to take them there (ex. me). Just because I am not a professional wrestler does not mean I have inadequate knowledge of the business. In fact, since I am so far removed from the wrestling industry, perhaps I have a measure of superior and innovative insight most valuable to the Stamford, Connecticut millionaires. Good television is rare these days. You have to weed through the garbage to get to the gold. Whether WWE cares to listen to me or not is irrevelant for every Swerved reader knows that I lead us to the gold every week. If they cannot see what an estimated 2.3 billion readers see, may they wallow in their mansions made of garbage with a garbage mailbox and a 2-car garage made of garbage for the remains of the garbage day.

Suggestion 1: Surprises

For about a month, World Wrestling Entertainment needs to show vignettes on their programming involving the presentation of a can of mixed nuts. For example, one teaser will show a pair of white-gloved hands presenting the can on the silver platter to the audience. The next week, perhaps those same hands pop the lid slightly open but not all way. Up until the RAW season premiere in September, droves of fans and curious television viewers will crave mixed nuts; they will want to get inside that can as soon as possible, trying to claw their persons through the screen. Then, in the main event slot of the premiere, a final vignette is shown on the RAW titantron of the mixed nut can and a clock counting down its unveiling. Next, a man in a tuxedo with white-gloved hands appears atop the entranceway and opens the can. What happens? A snake pops out. Fans reactions include but are not limited to the following:

"Aw man, I thought there were nuts in there but it wasn't in there because a snake was in there. Nuts not being in there but a snake being in there makes me laugh and is entertaining because instead of nuts in there, there was a snake in there. Ah. I still feel like some mixed nuts. Let me see that can again. Oh, you got me once more."

"How did that snake do that? I've got to tune in next week and every week after that. Maybe they'll show me how that snake got there."

"Oh my, what an alarming surprise."

The next day, RAW's rating is a 10.1.

Suggestion 2: Take Note from the Past, Prepare for the Future

When RAW was at its peak in the late 1990s, performers such as The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin brought mega ratings via mega personas. Wrestling fans adored and admired these wrestlers for they brought a level of charisma and attitude to the grappling table that put past greats to shame. In addition to the two biggest names of the era, X-Pac brought amazingingity into our line of vision. He had educated feet and the patented Bronco Buster, now popularized by Mae Young. In addition to the aforementioned, his Hansen's Energy Drink ruled our world. In case you were not aware, X-Pac invented a new way to consume a beverage when he came down the aisle with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink in his tights. Halfway down to the ring, he would take out the can, take a drink, and grin in a refreshed and relieved manner. According to a friend of a friend of mine, X-Pac's drink, in reality, tasted like a stale caffeine boot.

Then again, according to X-Pac's actions, tucking objects into your pants makes terrible things more enjoyable.

Therefore, I propose to Vince McMahon and the USA Network to find a way to shrink Monday Night RAW broadcasts into a small enough broadcast so that we, as the collective wrestling community, may stick RAW in our respective pants. If we can leave it in there long enough, we too can partake in the same type of satisfaction X-Pac enjoyed when we take it out for a viewing. Thank you for this wonderful idea, X-Pac. Let the magic begin.

Suggestion 3: We Need More of What We Don't Need

Bonnie Hammer, the wife of Arm &, and the President of the USA Network and Sci-Fi, is encouraging Vince McMahon to alter RAW from a two-hour live broadcast to a three-hour scripted punching and kicking extravaganza. In response, the writers of the show have sighed in exhaustion while Vince himself is tearing the plaid off his suit somehow. Surely, three-hours did not do WCW Monday Nitro any favours when it took the plunge into Almost-The-Length-Of-Titanicdom, but World Wrestling Entertainment is suffering from an acute case of bird flu; the only presciption is more bird flu.

If WWE is smart (they are and a half), they will change Monday Night RAW from a two-hour broadcast to a four-hour orgasmic opera. What I am asking for is John Cena and Triple H having two-hour debates about ham sandwiches and hair care management. If one Diva Search concludes, I want two more to start. Bring back every legend who is still upright and put them in the ring against eager up-and-comers. The last time we saw Jimmy Snuka, he moved around the ring like a rusty robot. Let's bring back that gracefulness. More Santino being possessed by Italian Spaghetti Sauce Commercial Actors of the 80s. More Daivari losing in his shiny parachute pants. More I say. I want Carlito's Cabana to return. The Iron Sheik should get his own psychiatric advice show called The Camel Couch. The Great Khali knows very little English if any at all, so why not bring him back to RAW for the five thousandth iteration and give him a cooking show? Every proposal in these two paragraphs is handing WWE a license to print billion dollar bills of gold on bars in bank vaults for life.

Suggestion 4: Hi Def Mos Def

As Friday Night Smackdown prepares to broadcast in high definition, it is only fitting for Monday Night RAW to do the same. Since the beginning of time, wrestling audiences have complained about the fact that weekly programs are not clear and vivid enough to see the facial scars of their favourite superstars. I have received pleas from those within the wrestling spectrum to convince WWE to put Snitsky's cratered back in HD because it will allow viewers to engage in a simulated experience of walking on the moon. If you have always wanted to visit the big cheese globe in the sky, you can with high definition Gene Snitsky. Stick that flag in there and show them you've visited it. I bet his teeth are not simply yellow, but have an amber tinge as well. I cannot wait for HD wrestling.

Critics have criticized WWE with their criticism, critiquing their decision to switch to high definition programming. Although they claim that high definition may expose botched moves, grazed punches, and missed fists left undetected by low definition shows, I think HD is beneficial. You see, critics of the universe, HD could possibly sabotage fans' suspension of belief, but phantom moves and attacks are a good thing. For example, if one guy happens to take a swing at somebody, like a fellow wrestler perhaps, that individual can or cannot sue him depending on the outstanding evidence provided by the high definition visuals. I don't know about you, loyal reader, but I watch wrestling 71.2% of the time to if see if one person can sue another for something. I don't think I'm alone here.

Suggestion 5: F-R-E-E

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The time that World Wrestling Entertainment shifts to panic mode is the time to break open the In Case of Emergency Class Case and utilize Plan Z. If Vince McMahon and his crew feel a WWE show is being pulled into the vortex of suck, they need to reach deep down from within themselves for a solution. It may be a quick fix; it may not rectify the flaws of the company completely, but if they want their ratings, they must get them with fingertip reaching. Take the improbable situation of a Major Brothers versus Two No-Name Guys match in which fans react by sitting on their hands in REM sleep. Whatever the Major Brothers conjure up to show their personality and charisma to the audience does not excite the audience. They try to pump their fists in the air saying, "Yeah!" but the viewers continue to ignore them. They attempt to spark interest by executing front facelock after front facelock after side lock to no avail. Two No-Name Guys try to file for a name change but even they are met by the wall of crowd silence. What does WWE do? What can cure their ills?

Free candy for all.

Vince McMahon needs to show up during the dead segments and matches of his shows carrying sacks of jujubes, sour keys, Hershey's kisses, and Twizzlers over his shoulder. As long as he can throw candy far enough to the nosebleed seats, the audience in the arena and those at home will be mesmerized. The people at the event will want WWE to return as soon as possible so they may get their second dosage of free sugar. Cheap wrestling fans around the continent will line up at box offices the very next day to get their haul of complimentary candy sweetness. A bag of Hershey's kisses costs about one dollar, but the rewards are priceless. Free candy for all is but a small price to pay to get fans to love you once again. Plus, if another P.R. nightmare falls on WWE, even more candy for all. Jolly Ranchers for you, Nancy Grace. How about some Tootsie Rolls, Glenn Beck? Care for some Family Fun Size Snicker bars, Geraldo and or Bill O'Reilly? It's all good in the hood.