Monday, September 27, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 100th

WWE Women's Championship Lumberjill Match
Michelle McCool or Layla (c) vs. The Joker

Vickie fell
Kelly smells
Kaval rubbed his head
Michelle McCool taught in middle school
Then woke up in a Deadman's bed

Rosa likes rope skipping
Tiffany is missing
Rookie Divas are chair sitting
Layla should do most of the work
Since her partner can't control her kicking

Eve gets krunky
Natalya is stumpy
Maryse's stock falls like Humpty Dumpty
Do you know how I got these scars?
Excessive smiling did this to me

The Question:
Who wins and how?


Hello, Swerved Nation. On the four-year anniversary of this blog, I bet you are wondering why you are reading these words, rather than watching strippers jump out of a cake. The answer is simple. For one, I do not appreciate strippers who are eager to ruin celebratory food. For two, I am afraid that this may not be the best time for an adult celebration. As the hilarious and informative memories come flooding back into your mind, hold onto them as if they were your children or most prized possessions. If you believe your children are your most prized possessions, that's fine. Whatever. I'm not here to judge. Let those memories tide you over as I embark on a new adventure. I have agreed to become a missionary.

When the Professional Wrestling Missionary Organization offered this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to me, I was thrilled. If you turn on the right kind of news, you will see men and women from all parts of the world, struggling to live happy and healthy lives. Originally, I thought my job was to teach clueless but eager lovers from Third World countries how to properly chain wrestling moves together until they ended up in the missionary position. Even though that is not my actual goal, I aim to impart the rest of my knowledge to them. First, I must consult my library of wrestling encyclopedias to uncover an aspect of the business that does not involve getting it on, but that shouldn't take long. I don't think those sections contain pictures.

In the event I do not make it back to this glorious sanctuary, I urge you to celebrate the four-year milestone on my behalf. Pin the tail to the donkey part of your choice. Spend as many seconds in the heavenly closet as you want. Do not let the DJ tell you when to throw your hands up in the air and shake it like a Shake Weight. Once the party dies down, all I ask is that you take care of my to-do list. As you can tell from this mighty list, I have many responsibilities. While I do not expect you to accomplish twenty tasks out of twenty, I believe in you. You are capable of knocking off a quarter of them (at the most).

Whatever happens, remember that The Swerved was the place we made together so that we could swerve one another. The most important part of my life was the time that I swerved with you. That's why all of us are here. Nobody swerves alone. I swerved you and you swerved me. Swervedspeed, my people.

1) Please take care of Kaitlyn for me. Since last week's episode of NXT, she has been recovering from Michelle McCool's kick of jealousy and hatred at my palatial estate. I know she appeared on SmackDown three days later showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but trust me. She was hurting on the inside. To pick up her spirits, I have let Kaitlyn give me several wedgies. I told her that each wedgie was stronger than the last, but that is a lie. The kick has weakened her, leaving my undergarments loosely wedged up my buttocks. It's not even bunching. I'm not sure how to break it to her.

2) Please urge R-Truth to stop telling people how to live their lives. At first, R-Truth only wanted know how and what we were doing with our ourselves. Now, he is forcing us to "knuckle up" and "get krunk." You are asking wrestling fans to engage in two physical activities — one of which involves acquiring an intangible item. I did not see either activity mentioned in the TV Guide summary for Friday Night SmackDown. Besides, Eve is already following your instructions. Why are you so demanding, Ron Killings? What is up with you?

3) Please tell Aladdin that is he is not alone anymore. The Undertaker's urn has returned. As of this moment, there are now two men who get ahead in life with the help of a mystical, golden container. Aladdin does not have to settle for Jasmine. Finally, he can date a woman who doesn't look like she could be his cousin or sister.

4) Please keep John Cena from using the dropkick ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot afford to lose its top star to such a high risk, death-defying move. If he does the collar-and-elbow tie-up, hold him down until he learns how to cool those jets. Ground that purple and yellow, aerodynamic wonder.

5) Please instruct motorcycle helmet manufacturers to increase the density and thickness of their products. Lacey Von Erich has immediately recovered from helmet-assisted blows to the head long enough. Perhaps they should start modelling their helmets after the contents and shape of her sturdy cranium.

6) Please ask Vickie Guerrero about in-ring and out-of-ring boyfriends. I was under the impression that WWE romances weren't location specific. In particular, I want to know what happens if a woman's in-ring boyfriend makes it to the ropes at any point in the relationship. Is that relationship over, or does it continue until the counsellor can determine the winner?

7) Please tell TNA that lesbians are not always the answer. Disingenuous displays of girl-on-girl affection are capable of enlivening the following events: tractor pulls, taco restaurant grand openings, crew cut competitions, t.A.T.u. concerts, impromptu pillow fights, planned pillow fights, and slack fittings. Let it be known that I did not mention that these displays increase ratings or interest in a weekly, confusing wrestling show.

8) Please bury me in a glass case of cement. Use the fancy kind, not the store-bought brand. I see no blue on my collar. At my hairline, remember to stop pouring the liquid cement. Do not bury me any further or I cannot come back to life via unprecedented coffin resurrection at a later date.

9) Please congratulate MVP on regaining his sleeves. The VIP Lounge gets chilly in the Fall. I didn't want him to catch a cold. Thanks to sleeves, errbody in the club getting comfy.

10) Please take that brown suit jacket away from CM Punk. Before he became Batman, I'm pretty sure Bruce Wayne gave him that jacket in confidence. Now, I suspect Punk was warm the whole time. Batman and I are disappointed with his decision to wear the jacket for pleasure and business.

11) Please thank John Morrison for bringing parkour to WWE television. The stylish traversal of a diverse environment is the perfect way to distract people from the fact that you are an expert on hippopotamus breath. Apparently, you know hippopotamus breath so well that you can compare it to the breaths of other mammals. You could have just walked down that hallway, but no. You must think. The smoky and woody scent of that hippo's mouth air has inspired many an analogy.

12) Please note that Fourtune is my favourite wrestling stable of the past ten years. Well-dressed men who wear sunglasses indoors, give sexually suggestive shout outs to Matt Hardy with their hands, and don't know how to spell fortune are my kind of people. I'm over Ric Flair, though. Matt Hardy does not find four fingers any more pleasurable than three. I would even dare to say that the addition of the fourth finger would hurt Matt's special area.

13) Please help Jay Lethal live out better dreams. I don't care how you get it done. Maybe he needs a warmer glass of milk, or a larger number of sheep to count. No normal young man dreams of winning, then losing, then winning the fourth most important championship in the second largest promotion in North America by default. If he wants to dream small, he might as well dream about winning a free scratch ticket made possible by scratching his first ticket.

14) Please gussy up the Hell in a Cell before the Pay-Per-View. For years, this cell has been unfairly treated, written off as a cesspool of death and destruction. Recently, I purchased floral wallpaper and a matching living room set. All you need to do is buy a 50-inch, high-definition television with surround sound, silk drapes, a miniature refrigerator, and a framed portrait of the family to hang over the mantle. This portrait would feature the Hell in a Cell, the Kennel from Hell, the steel cage, the blue steel cage, and the Punjabi Prison (the black sheep of the family) posing together in knitted Christmas sweaters. Let us turn this hell into a home.

15) Please interrogate Ricardo Rodriguez. I want to know where he hid the bodies. If he tells you they were in Del Rio's piñata, tie him to the ceiling. Next, smack him across the face with a festive piñata stick until the truth comes out. Those piñatas were intended for fun purposes only.

16) Please weld two folding chairs together to accommodate Naomi's gargantuan buttocks. Folding chair technology will not improve itself. That way, she will be able to dedicate one seat to each cheek. World Wrestling Entertainment can charge her twice as if she is a fat person required to purchase two seats on an airplane.

17) Please give my regards to the Knockouts as they attempt to rule the Pay-Per-View world with TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1. All night long, these sexy and sensual bombshells will wear next to nothing while angrily reacting to alarming discoveries. Watch The Beautiful People as they wash their car in skimpy bikinis, then find a parking ticket under the wiper blade of the windshield. Witness Madison Rayne and Tara give each other a sensual and somewhat uncomfortable massage before expressing their outrage at the rising prices of energy and oil. As an added bonus, the newly-acquired Mickie James will perform a striptease at a rally boycotting mediocre country music. TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1 — rage has never been this sexy.

18) Please postpone my upcoming threesome with Ted DiBiase and Maryse. Your predictions were right. For the past few weeks, I was the one sending them romantic messages via piece of paper and Titantron screen. This might surprise you, but I never had simultaneous relations with a wealthy, second-generation wrestler and a French-Canadian woman before. I can only assume that simultaneous relations with a wealthy, French-Canadian wrestler and a second-generation woman does not compare. I have unchecked the box on my bucket list.

19) Please thank Cody Rhodes for his informative grooming tips. From this point forward, I have cut my average lap time in half. I do not know why his tips have turned me into a competitive swimmer. Regardless, he should be rest assured that my skin is as smooth and hairless as that of a super-hot baby.

20) Please tell my son that I want him back, but I still don't know how.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 99th

World Heavyweight Championship No Holds Barred Match
Kane (c) vs. Day Man

Big Red
Got up on the wrong side of the bed
Demon with one contact lens
You're a master of distant reading as long as you keep your good eye open

Big Red, Big Red (uhh ahh ahh)
Ran out of towels to cover his bald head (uhh ahh ahh)
Magician from the underworld
Twenty-minute lighting tricks delight few boys and girls

Big Red

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Join us as we celebrate The Swerved's fourth anniversary. Would you like to see The Swerved celebrate its fifth, sixth, and eighty-fifth anniversary? Speak now or forever speak later.


You are like the Rosa Parks of Maxim. Somebody has got to do something. Those were not the 100 Sexiest Women.

ECW Another One Night Stand

For the longest while, I thought 2005 was my year. All signs pointed to that period of 365 days as the one that made an international superstar out of yours falsely. Now that I have returned to my vault for this very special edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, I must admit what I was wrong. Kelly Clarkson sang "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You," not me. I was neither Harry Potter, nor his fiery goblet. Worst of all, I did not compete in the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. I’m not Shelton Benjamin. It turns out that 2005 was just a ladder-climbing-heavy year for me. No briefcase was involved. Stairs and I had a falling-out until 2007.

When push comes to pull comes to shove, all that I can confirm is that 2005 planted the seeds for the site before you today. Way back in Pioneer Times, I wrote my first professional wrestling article for The Armpit (I originally wanted to write for The Inner Thigh, but we don't get everything we want in life). As other websites deemed my work to be too hot or cold for the Internet, a kind young man with locks of gold thought my stuff was just right. He called himself the Wrestling Professor. For an individual wealthy enough to change his first name to an active verb and his last name to a collegiate occupation, he saw something special in me that nobody else bothered to see: fifty bucks hidden in my wallet. After handing over my amateur gigolo earnings, he gave me my chance to shine.

As you join me in this look back at the origins of The Swerved, keep in my mind that I was a different person in 2005. Back then, I thought professional wrestling consisted of two guys competing in tuxedos and white gloves. Whenever one of them was about to go for a move, he would have to sign and submit a series of documents to finalize its execution. In 2010, I have begrudgingly accepted that this entertainment sport is often unprofessional. The men and women of the industry don't tuck in their shirts. Sometimes, they don't even wear shirts.

Five years ago, I pictured a future in which the hardcore alumni of Extreme Championship Wrestling could not get enough of reuniting with each other. Five years later, they reunite to survive, destroying all innocent objects in their path. Run, tables, chairs, and households utensils. You are not safe here. The spoons can stay, though. The world needs to enjoy pudding the right way.


Due to the success of 2005's One Night Stand, Vince McMahon has called for yet another ECW reunion Pay-Per-View. In place of the invasion storyline that played a significant part in last year's event, Mr. McMahon insisted on the increased participation of World Wrestling Entertainment superstars and personalities for inter-promotional matches and angles. What resulted from this move was a night of surprises, mayhem, and extremeness that wrestling enthusiasts will surely never forget.

ECW Another One Night Stand sponsored by WWE Films' Oh My! starring Michael Cole
Tagline: Extremely Extreme To The Extreme Extremities
Live from the Bingo Hall in Bingo Hallington, USA (June 20, 2006)

(Thanks to Michael Cole's recent transformation into a snide, play-by-play-announcing jerk face, WWE Films/Studios is better off not releasing this hypothetical movie. Hypothetical good for them. If they want to avoid another legendary disaster, I say they should call upon the acting talents of Michael Cole's gong.

I have written a screenplay called Gong Baby Gong. The story is about two gongs trying to find the kidnapper of a young gong. Ben Affleck is in talks to direct and bang the gongs. How about it, WWE? I have submitted an e-mail to you that is actually a piece of paper on top of a computer keyboard. Read the screen, but read what is on the keyboard more as that it where I have somehow put the important information.)

Match 1:
Impact Players w/ Dawn Marie and Jason vs. Snitsky and Edge w/ Bacne and Lita

This was a very good opener. Crowded chanted, "I completely trust her around my friends and acquaintances," toward Lita. Snitsky got in a lot of Lucha Libre moves on Storm and Credible, including a corkscrew plancha on the Players through a table, three chairs, and the Earth's crust.

Finish came when Barry Bonds interfered with a baseball bat — made entirely out of steroids — and struck Credible before Edge got the pin. Lita and Dawn Marie engaged in a catfight, rolling around the ring pretending to be carpets unravelling. Elsewhere, Jason wondered how he was supposed to physically fight back acne. After the match, Matt Hardy ran into the ring, shook Edge's hand, and called him an amazing human being. Fans popped for this big time with high fives and fist pumps all around. Edge said something about him being Money and Lita being the bank that he was in. Matt Hardy shook his head, crossed his arms, and mouthed, "That's my Edge."


(Today, I am glad that Matt Hardy is doing well. You heard me. Matt Hardy is enjoying a happy and healthy lifestyle as I type. Most of you will disagree with me, but I judge a person's well-being by the manner in which he talks about himself in hotels and other public establishments. Matt is doing whatever he needs to do to get wherever he needs to get. In my opinion, the less knowledge you have about your future tasks or locations, the better. For instance, I have no idea where I will be in five minutes. I'm just going to drive my motorized tricycle onto the highway and see what happens. The wind will take me where it may.)

Match 2:
Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven

Terrible bout with no storyline. Before the match, Raven got on the mic and challenged people in the audience to a $14,000 Raven Symoné Challenge to see who could do the best impression of Olivia from The Cosby Show.

Dreamer's new theme ("La La" by Ashlee Simpson) played and he ran around the bingo hall as the crowd sang along word for word. Just as Raven was about to attack Dreamer from behind, Dreamer yelled, "Raven F'n Symone!" to monster cheers and caned Raven in the face with a chopstick. Raven had the crimson mask and looked out of it until he took a vat of Undertaker-flavoured tobacco juice and offered it to Dreamer. Tommy drank the whole thing as a nod to his incredibly successful WWE persona, but it was for naught. Raven low-blowed and pinned him quickly after that. The match lasted 10 seconds, which I will never get back.

(Besides his current role as TNA's articulate wordsmith, Tommy Dreamer's "Devour Everything in Sight" gimmick was my favourite incarnation of him. During his successful stint in World Wrestling Entertainment, I was quite disappointed that nobody else told or showed me what inedible liquids and solids they could consume. With the intensity of a thousand screaming suns, I said, "Every single one of you should be more like Tommy. I know he drinks Barbasol. If you are a guest in my house, what am I going to serve you? Water? Poison? I only buy those drinks for people I know. Since you won't tell me what you drink, you are no guest of mine.)


JBL Promo

John "Bradshaw" Layfield came out in a limo with the ECW logo on the sides and a longhorn wrapped in barb wire on the hood. As he stood in the ring for his upcoming battle, every fan in the arena rose to their feet and chanted "J-B-L" for a good hour. Bradshaw was clearly emotional and bowed to the crowd in humble fashion. He talked about how he loved ECW. Although he never worked there, he was a big fan of tables, chairs, and other furniture that have the potential to be utilized as weapons. He gave a shout out to the Blue Meanie and began to do the Meanie dance to an enormous ovation.

Later, he commented that he loved his hat and being Republican, but loved Republican hats even more since they never married other hats of the same sex. As he was about to leave, Hardcore Holly walked down to the ring. They both did the Meanie dance to all four sides of the building. It was an excellent segment that should become the staple clip of your wrestling tape library.

Match 3:
Stephanie McMahon vs. Paul Heyman

There were tests of strength and breasts vs. baldness at the start of match, followed by exchanges of tilt-a-whirl hurricanranas. Steph put on her ECW beret in the middle of the match and started to do pantomime as Heyman put on a fake moustache and twirled a baguette in his hands. "French stereotypes are accurate representations of the citizens therein," said the crowd, who then drank a spot of tea and put on their gold-rimmed monocles. Heyman busted out the top rope elbow drop and almost won with Sweet Chest Music, but was caught off guard and pinned with the Ponytail Chokeslam onto a steel chair.

Both competitors were over huge and congratulated one another at the end of the match. They raised each other's hand and dosey-doed in the ring for a few minutes before pantomiming and twirling bread once more. A very exciting and quickly paced match-up.

(During the Invasion, Stephanie shocked us all by coming down to the ring as the new leader of ECW. At that very instant, I became her biggest fan entirely because of her leather beret. Without question, Stephanie McMahon understands what it takes to be a strong, female authority figure. First and last of all, you need stylish and alternative headwear.

You see, a woman wearing a regular wool beret deserves little to no respect. Appearing as though you recently jumped out of Target's Fall catalogue makes you ready to visit a pumpkin patch with your toddlers, not lead a group of co-operative extremists. On the other hand, a woman with a leather beret commands respect. If you are wearing a leather beret, you mean business. In and away from France, you are wearing cow skin to keep the top of your head warm. I am not worthy.)


Match 4:
Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD and Jerry Lynn died on the way back to their home planet.

Rating: Zero stars.

Match 5:
Triple H vs. Joey Styles

This match was announced last week when Joey Styles ran down to the ring and attacked Triple H with leftover coin collections unsold from his infomercial.

Triple H went retro with his Connecticut Blue Blood attire while Joey Styles wore Henry Godwinn-like overalls. Insane spot in the match occurred when Styles back-body dropped Triple H into a hog pen and we accidentally went back in time.

The story of the bout was HHH kept on using the Pedigree but Styles would always kick out of it. Once Joey went to use the Pedigree for himself, Triple H escaped and hit him with the sledgehammer. Hunter proceeded to use the sledgehammer to attack the ring announcer, open a bottle of wine, and cure various diseases. Styles made a babyface comeback to "We Want Fables" chants led by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley. They watched the rest of the match from the entranceway as Styles told Triple H about The Goose With The Golden Egg.

(In this scenario, Joey Styles changed parts of the story to keep Hunter from getting too upset.

One day, a countryman and wife came across their goose, who laid a golden egg. Taking the egg home, they discovered that it was real following an intricate, CSI-esque investigation. As the goose continued to lay one golden egg per day, the man and his wife became rather wealthy, selling the eggs for a profit. Believing that the goose housed the greatest and most profitable lump of gold, they chose to kill her. Once they opened up that goose, they found nothing but sons.)

Styles had the visual pin, but Triple H escaped for he prefers stories based on Clifford the Big Red Dog. He ended up hitting the Tripleration H (Pedigree into Piledriver into Co-owner of World Wrestling Entertainment) for the win. Moments later, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and turned on Styles with the 3-D through a 2-D world. They raised Triple H's arms in victory as they changed their names to Bubba H and H-Von Dudley. Of course, this was a great match.

Rating: ****1/2

Match 6:
Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley

At the start, both legends were almost disqualified when Flair tried to set Foley on fire and throw him through a window. To Flair’s dismay, it turns out that Foley was not a stuntman after all and is actually a semi-retired professional wrestler. Foley and Flair exchanged blows on the top turnbuckle. Mick was pushed off and Flair did the Shooting Star Press to the collective comment, "Gee, by golly that's nifty," by the ECW audience.

Foley attempted to backdrop Flair through the table but the Nature Boy held on by complimenting Triple H. Foley spread out thumbtacks as Flair — on the other side of the ring — spread out his robes to create a beautiful tapestry that is most pleasing to the eye. Flair was dropped leg first on the tacks, which somehow made his hair turn from white to red. That’s a great visual no matter how it happens.

In turn, Foley was dropped on the robes and sold the impact by taking a nap. Flair applied the Figure Four Leg Lock, but Mick made it to the ropes. Then, Flair chucked milk and cookies toward him, only for Mick to use a can of Ensure and some prunes to successfully put to rest the Nature Boy for the 1-2-3.

(Ric Flair and Mick Foley are two rare and honourable gentlemen who knew when it was time to hang up the boots. By now, I'm sure Mick Foley is relaxing in Long Island, New York, refusing to show love for Louie from DuckTales while talking about his close personal friends (Melina, Melina, Melina, etc). Meanwhile, Ric Flair is in some classy retirement home in North Carolina, not giving elbow drops to suit jackets while a group of well-dressed people encourage him. That is how you retire.

Shawn Michaels could learn from them. I've seen you on television, Heartbreak Kid. I was watching past matches with you in them, but I saw you in the present day. That counts more than it doesn't count.)

Rating: **

Match 7:
Taz vs. Roller-coaster Ride

Taz entered the ring to a disappointing reaction. He took his black towel and used it as a cape, jogging around the ring with his arms straight out à la Superman or a five-year-old child. He thanked ECW for giving him a chance before burying the company, talking about how he was never appreciated and never given the extra Z in his name until he went to WWE. Taz said, "Hell, if I went to WCW, I'd be Tazzz, damnit," to a lot of jeers from the crowd. He added that from now on, the “FTW” initials on his wrist tape stand for “Futons Trump Waterbeds” as only ECW fans enjoy waterbeds. He received a tremendous amount of boos for that comment.

(I’m sorry to say, but I agree with Taz(z)(z) on this one. For the most part, we share the same point of view on most mattress-related comparisons. "That sofa resembles a fat bench." I am with you on that, Taz. "Let the pigeons loose. Yambags." Wait, I thought we were talking about sofas. Keep the pigeons tethered. Also, I do not appreciate yams in any other shape than their natural form.

Fans of ECW look like the kind of people who would enjoy sleeping on a bag of water without that water ever touching them. If they are scared of anything, they are afraid of showers and being too sexy for the female eye. Do not look directly at ECW fans, ladies. You will be pregnant with multiples.)

A roller-coaster ride named Goliath walked methodically down the aisle to loud applause. Taz was infuriated by this and tried to enter the ride, but was stopped by none of than Vince McMahon himself for not being tall enough. McMahon attacked Taz with his grapefruits. Goliath won by count out. Eric Bischoff was forced to wear a dress somewhere. This was a match-of-the-year candidate.

Rating: *****

Match 8:
John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Triple H vs. ECW Alumni

The final segment featured JBL and HHH versus the entire ECW roster. The odds were stacked against them, but JBL managed to clothesline everyone with his noble arm as Triple H pedigreed people on top of other people to create an orgy of pain. One of the highlights was Sandman riding a river of beer into the bingo hall, only to be stopped by a debuting Stone Cold Linda McMahon. She drank the entire river, then used a George Foreman Grill to Sandman's forehead. A few Linda Stunners took care of the rest.

(Don't let Linda McMahon's mom haircut and Hillary Clinton pants suit fool you. Deep beneath that friendly exterior lies a hellish warrior, ready to win Senate races by awkwardly kicking others in the groin. Question: Does Connecticut require all Senate candidates to take Stone Cold Stunners without prematurely falling to the ground? No? Good. I'm just asking because I saw this one race in Washington State in which this candidate fell upwards. He failed and lost.)

Linda celebrated with JBL and HHH in the middle of that very ring. Next, the three opened up a brewery and drank more beer. Linda yelled, "This is the World Wrestling Entertainment World Order," as she took a can of rainbow spray paint and wrote wweWo on every member of ECW. The fans absolutely loved it.

The three hugged at the end of the show to ECW chants. Pyro went off and confetti rained down on the fans. This segment was so great I want to have relations with it to produce little segments of equal enjoyability.

Rating: ******************** stars out of ******

In conclusion, ECW Another One Night Stand was a big success. It had everything you could hope for and then some. This show is exactly why Extreme Championship Wrestling was so popular then and still has admirers today. There is no telling what this historic event means for the future. I don't want to jinx it, but a WCW reunion would be a sight for sore eyes. Bravo to the McMahon family and company for presenting a once-in-twenty-thousand lifetimes Pay-Per-View. Let's see if WWE Vengeance can top this extravaganza.

WWE Vengeance 2006 Card:
- Chris Masters vs. Tyson Tomko (WWE TITLE MATCH)
- JBL and Triple H vs. The World
- Diva Search 2006 Competition: Diva Brain Surgery
- Eric Bischoff vs. Stone Cold Linda McMahon
- Edge vs. Matt Hardy vs. Oprah
- Chavo Guerrero vs. bad gimmicks

(Oprah Winfrey is willing to fight a rock star hobo and a regular hobo, but not me? Watch out, Oprah. Enjoy vacationing in Australia with your army of housewives. If a certain someone pops out of a kangaroo pouch and attacks you with a knife-wielding joey, don't be surprised.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

3 Steps to Success: This Old School House



The Devil picks favourites now? Come on, Devbones. All demons are created equal. I thought you were cool.


I don't want to be another one, paying for the things I never done.


Last Monday, I heard your laughter directed toward one Alicia Fox. Firing your hate missiles of pompous cynicism, you attacked this innocent woman for confusing one word with another. "She said undefined when she should have said undisputed. I am audibly expressing my amusement with repetitive mouth sounds. I feel empty." Bravo to you, good fellows. I would bow down before you, but I might accidentally breathe on your golden pedestal. As she cried on the inside, I hope you revelled in the moment on the outside. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How do you sleep at night, in the morning, and at noon?

For the first time in the history of this site, I must say that I do not think much of you. Besides being a decent human being with a sassy walk, Alicia Fox wasn't wrong in proclaiming herself to be the “undefined champion of Divas.” Just because you never heard the term before does not mean she made it up on the spot. Perhaps you should join your country's Olympic Track & Field team. Why is that, you ask? Because you guys and gals would be perfect for the long jump as you seem to have no problem jumping from one ignorant conclusion to another.

If I must clear Alicia's name by defining the undefined Diva, I will make no hesitation to do so. Around the world, young and impressionable girls are at a crossroads, trying to figure out which life path is best for them. For their sake, I hope they embrace the advantages of a life undefined. Once they're old enough, they can spend their days confusing and frustrating those who do not take kindly to alternative ways of speaking. I thought we were living in 2010, not 2009.

I have many hats. In addition to being an gifted writer, actor, and dancer, I am a talented defender of WWE Divas. Before I throw down the knowledge, somebody fetch me my Alicia Fox Apologist hat with the fancy feathers.

Show Your Range

An undefined Diva is capable of showing many emotions. More often than not, these women turn out to be successful and accomplished performers of the stage and screen. Around town, they can be seen with their heart on their sleeve, made possible by a strenuous, twelve-hour operation. First, a surgeon removes the Diva's heart from her chest. After the heart is separated from her body, a group of seamstresses stitch the heart onto the sleeve of her garment of choice. When the heart and sleeve are one, the Diva is free to wear said piece of clothing anywhere she may roam.

In World Wrestling Entertainment, Melina is one of the only individuals who has undergone this painful yet beneficial procedure. The following chart shows that the current WWE Divas' Champion never hides her feelings, opening up to a world that is often kind, but always cruel. If you are a female who does not boast a symmetrical face of stone, you are likely an undefined champion of Divas.

Begin and Maintain A Vague Relationship With The Big Show

The Big Show — The World's Largest Athlete (If You Don't Consider The Great Khali To Be An Athlete) — has befriended such lovely ladies as Joy Giovanni and Kelly Kelly. In both instances, wrestling fans have no clue how those friendships happened, nor what they entail. One moment, Joy Giovanni is standing there without a friend (special or not). The next moment, she is vaguely palling around with The Big Show while occasionally being trapped in limousine trunks. In the case of Kelly Kelly, I guess her friendship with Show started out of her enjoyment for sitting on shoulders while questioning the comedy of others. When our family band was still together and touring, Kelly used to sit on my shoulder until it got tired. If Kelly learned how to play any instrument other than the tambourine, maybe we could schedule a reunion tour.

With or without explanation, an undefined Diva is not afraid to befriend The Big Show. This lack of fear is due to the fact that she does not know when that friendship will begin, nor what will it take to maintain it. One day, The Big Show will show up to your house and start playing with your Legos. If you let him, you will soon find comfort in your undefined skin.

Know The Consequences Of Your Actions

The carefree lifestyle of a WWE performer affects Divas in different ways. For some, the freedom of travelling the globe in skimpy and glamourous clothing is a welcome break from everyday adulthood. For others, a life of luxury and zero responsibility leads to their ultimate downfall. In the event that you acquire a championship title, think before you act. The last thing you want to do is make a choice that you will regret, such as splitting the championship in half with your Best Friend Forever.

The differences between Divas with whole and partial WWE Women's Championship titles are staggering. Random studies that you can find at your local library show that WWE Divas with whole championships are 80% less susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Another study in the November 2008 issue of the Boston Medical Pop-Up Journal claims that the jagged end of real and replica WWE Women's Championship title pieces caused over 2,000 fatal eye injuries to children and animals under six years of age. No matter which version of the title you hold, an undefined Diva is already aware of these advantages and disadvantages.

Your parents and teachers told you about the dangers of splitting championship titles in half. While a number of you took that advice to heart, a few of you didn't bother to listen. At the time, you thought nobody would get hurt, but the five minutes of fun you had ended up creating a lifetime of regret. Now, you must look after your broken title piece like a newborn babe. In addition to ruining a perfectly good belt, you've brought great responsibility upon yourself. How are you going to pay for your broken title's education?

Scream Like You Mean It

An undefined Diva must be capable of accentuating her moves — wrestling-related or otherwise. That does not mean you have to dip your naked self in gold or rent a smoke machine that gives off too much or not enough smoke. The moment you wish to express that you are executing or receiving a move in a violent fashion, transform into almost every other WWE Diva. Next, scream as if you are being groped by a sketchy stranger with brute strength. I am not an undefined Diva for I am somewhat of a man, but let me tell you that I have a hoot and a half, screaming while participating in various activities. Yesterday, I screamed before depositing money in my Swiss bank account. That added up to be a lot of screaming during the eight-hour-long flight from Canada to Switzerland.

Once more, I must give it up to Melina. She is one of those rare Divas who has mastered the screech. Now that I think about it, you might as well scrap everything I told you earlier in favour of copying Melina. As she teaches you how to scream, she may give a bonus lesson in executing flashy moves in inappropriate situations. If your opponent is in position for one move, do something that is in no way related to that body position. Have fun with it. Your opponent won't mind.

"Dance" (Unless You Are Kaitlyn)

You can't see me, but I am currently judging your method of dance through the computer screen. I detect that you are attempting to wiggle then drop your posterior as if it is hot in temperature (Celsius). Those of you with a partner appear to be engaging in a slow to medium-speed dance to a romantic rap beat. I conclude that these dance styles have one thing in common: they are the befitting dances of an undefined Diva. Remembers those formative years you spent in tap, jazz, and ballroom dance competitions? If you do, get out of my face, people who are nowhere near my face. Get out of my face from a greater distance. All you adequate dancers can leave, except Kaitlyn. She can do the robot.

Any respectful gentlemen should treat every woman like a rose, but I cannot help myself. Once Kaitlyn did the robot, I had a vivid vision that she would become the mother of 89 of my 97 future children. Several years ago, my mother won my father's heart via robot dance. At first, my father was attracted to her because he thought she was an actual robot who enjoyed dancing despite her limited mobility. When she proved she was human five years later, my father was disappointed yet still impressed. Today, I am in his shoes. Because you are not in Kaitlyn's shoes, I recommend that you perfect the dance of the undefined Diva.

The Undefined Diva

Do you show any or all qualities associated with an undefined Diva? Assuming that you do, The Swerved's team of artists have come up with an accurate graphical representation of your appearance:

Best of luck to you on your quest to undefined greatness.

Monday, September 06, 2010

3 Steps to Success: Fudge Cluster



Starting this moment... from now... from this moment on... this will be the moment... starting now... of the genesis... of starting moments.


It's too late to change your mind. You let laws be your guide.


The debut of NXT Season 3 is approaching. Do you know where your children are? If so, you better drag them back to the house and park them in front of the television set. Despite Season 2 ending no more than a week ago, a wilder and younger bunch of rookies are ready to show the world what they have to offer: attractive female parts. I am so excited for this all-Diva edition of NXT that I want to run into the ring, try to save a female version of Kaval from a beat down, then easily give up and watch her get pummelled. World Wrestling Entertainment feels the same way, except they want to run onto SyFy, show a 6'9" woman, then hide her in Florida until further notice.

This time, let us bid farewell to the Balls Banquet and welcome the Yeast Feast. In what will be a lengthy competition that could last upwards of four weeks, five lovely ladies will fight for the right to be the next WWE Diva. Being a NXT Rookie Diva is not enough for them. They must be smart, sexy, and powerful at the major league level. Although the last two winners of NXT won a shot at a championship title of their choosing, these women know that "WWE Diva" is the only title worth fighting for in the entire company. Championship reigns are fleeting. Bona fide prima donnas last forever.

Depending upon your point of view, The Swerved's oddsmakers may or may not have given accurate predictions for the last season of NXT. If you looked directly at the predictions, they missed the mark. If you looked at the predictions from a great distance through a pinhole camera while wearing three pairs of sunglasses, they could never have been more right. For Season 3, my experts have assured me that their predictions are rock solid. Place your bets before the authorities arrive.

Can the all-star, NXT Pro cast of Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Goldust, The Bella Twins, and Primo bring their rookies to the promised land? Eight out of ten innovative comediennes tell me that Goldust and Primo will be unable to find the promised land because men never ask for directions. Also, these comediennes insist that dating is difficult and expect other females to agree with their belief. As for me, I want to know what these comediennes are doing in my home. The oddsmakers invited them, didn't they? Well, they're fired.

Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly

Choreographed turn to the Internet audience. What's up, Swerved Nation? It's me — Stephen Rivera. I can't wait to talk about Kelly Kelly mentoring Naomi Night on Season 3 of NXT. Kelly's rookie is a girl after my own heart. She's fun, sassy, athletic, loves pink high-tops, and can only afford to add purple hair colouring to her bangs. When her stylist tried to add colouring to the rest of the hair, she said, "Not right now. I'm on a purple hair colouring payment plan."

Unlike the other Rookie Divas, Naomi claims that her style in the ring is very unique because she is athletic. Oh, finger snaps in a zigzag pattern. For a former Orlando Magic cheerleader on a purple hair colouring payment plan, Naomi sure is cocky/snatchy. What a statement. I am close friends with many former Orlando Magic cheerleaders. Let me tell you that they are synchronized, yet humble.

To me, Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly don't seem to have much in common at all, but I will give this pairing the benefit of the doubt. As Naomi brings her “A” game, I expect the other divas to bring their “C” game and show up to this competition greatly unprepared. Most of them will forget their kegs at home.

Odds of Winning: 8:1

Maxine and Alicia Fox

Alternating car model pose. Hello, Swerved Nation. It's your favourite inhabitant of the riverbank here — Stephen Rivera. I was not surprised that Alicia Fox was chosen to be the next NXT Pro, but I was surprised that her rookie has "champagne taste with a champagne budget." On top of Season 3 being an all-Diva competition, is WWE running with a funds management theme? Are all Rookie Divas going to tell us how they utilize their monetary assets? If so, I think this season will be a major hit with the kids. First, Naomi is paying for hair colouring through installments. Now, Maxine has dedicated the majority of her income to white sparkling wine to the extent that she does not have enough money to buy actual food. These are relatable stories involving relatable people.

According to Michael Cole, Maxine claims that she is well kept, intelligent, manipulative, motivated, and gets what she wants. She believes that men shouldn't pursue her, but men can't resist her. The fact that Maxine is confiding in Cole enough to give him a detailed description of her personality is worrisome. Plus, I doubt Maxine will have the energy to make it to the end of NXT. Champagne doesn't contain any essential nutrients.

Odds of Winning: 100:1

Aksana and Goldust

Self-loathing turn to the audience with breathable paint on my face. Hey, nation. This is Stephen Rivera. I have seen Goldust's rookie and she will star in a Shattered Dreams Production of WWE literally shattering her dreams in about two months. And when Goldust is finished with her, she will probably have to move back to Lithuania. I don't know what language they speak in Lithuania, but in North America, we speak North American. Do you speak it, lady?

Aksana (Živilė Raudonienė) declares that she is the most pretty girl in NXT, which is a bold statement for a Rookie Diva. Stating you're better looking than four other women is like X-Pac stating that he was one of the brighter stars of X-Factor. Oh, Aksana. Look at her and her medium level of self-esteem. How adorable. In addition to being beautiful and hard working, Aksana mentions that she is very athletic. In a related story, Naomi's game plan is out the window.

Personally, I am rooting for Aksana because she wants to show the other girls that they can reach whatever they feel inside. They sure can. That is usually the first thing I tell girls when I meet them.

Odds of Winning: 20:1

Jamie Keyes and The Bella Twins

Taking a sick day off from my successful escort business for RAW guest hosts, I gyrate in a seductive fashion. Hey, Swerved Nation. I'm Stephen Rivera, I'm Stephen Rivera, and we're Stephen Rivera. Just like The Bella Twins (if competitive flower wearing counts), their rookie has been competing in sports her whole life. She does look a little familiar, too. She was either the ring announcer for NXT Season 2 or took 4th place at the 2010 Competitive Flower Wearing Championship in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

I think of Jamie Keyes as the pioneer of NXT Season 3, complete with an ultra sexy pioneer dress and matching bonnet. To my knowledge, she is the first rookie to fight for a chance to work for World Wrestling Entertainment while working for World Wrestling Entertainment. Good for her. Apparently, ring announcing has given Jamie the opportunity for the crowd to get to know her. I can see where Jamie is coming from as her job was to introduce everybody but herself.

I have high hopes for The Bella Twins and Jamie Keyes. In the end, perhaps Nikki and Brie will be better mentors than Michelle McCool and Layla. After all, they are expanding on a tried and true NXT tradition. They are proof that it takes two women to show one woman how to do one man's job.

Odds of Winning: 4:1

A.J. Lee and Primo

Vacant Puerto Rican stare with an awkward Puerto Rican smile. Swerved Nation; Stephen Rivera here. I would like to tell you that Primo is a Pro in Season 3 of NXT. It's no surprise to me that WWE chose a guy like him — Mr. High School Facial Hair — to mentor and train A.J. Lee. She is a senorita, a mamacita, a maker of delicious pitas. A.J. has spunk and energy, meaning that she maintains a balanced diet. She does not have three meals of champagne per day. Maxine's nemesis has arrived.

A.J. Lee is representing all the nerds out there in the WWE Universe. Before you nerds get all hot and bothered in your undeveloped nether regions, let me clarify that A.J. is not an actual nerd. When she talks about being a nerd, she is referring to my people's definition of a nerd (the hot person's definition). In other words, she is clumsy, forgets where she puts her keys at times, and accidentally watched ten minutes of the first Star Wars prequel while channel surfing on a Sunday evening. Nevertheless, I am confident that you vote for her anyway. Loneliness shall power your right to choose.

Odds of Winning: 1:1

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 98th

Nexus vs. S Club 7

Against us tonight, c'mon yeah
Against us tonight, uh huh
Everybody against us tonight (against us tonight)

Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna wear our letter (14th letter of the alphabet)
Everybody against us tonight
Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna rely on one guy
Look like you belong without showing your inexperience

Finally Monday night
Feeling kinda nervous, wrestling alright
Gonna be lifting Mark Henry
Gonna suffer clotheslining injuries
Hey, face Cena and his nation (Cena and his nation)
Win by disqualification (disqualification)
No need for Daniel Bryan (Daniel Bryan)
But we need to get Darren Young out of here

Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna wear our letter (14th of the alphabet)
Everybody against us tonight
Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)
Gonna rely on one guy
Look like you belong without showing your inexperience

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I may be rich, but I'm not Alberto Del Rio rich. I can't afford a Mexican Cody Rhodes. Some people think that I can't afford to not have a Mexican Cody Rhodes either. Therein lies the problem.


Don't turn the lights on 'cause tonight I want to see you in the dark.

The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 2)

The film industry needs to wise up and take notes. You heard me. I did not stutter through type. The district of Los Angeles, California that specializes in the production and distribution of motion pictures needs to get informed. Using a writing implement such as a pen or dainty feather dipped in ink, it must jot someone else's advice down on a piece of paper, then refer to that written advice in the future when thinking about producing or distributing new motion pictures. You see, three-dimensional movies are the cinematic flavour of the year, month, and day. Moviegoers can only love ogres and dong-eating fish being thrown at them for so long. When they tire of these silly gimmicks, what will Hollywood have left? Nothing, I say. Hollywood will have nothing, unless they follow WWE Studios' game plan.

In my humble and correct opinion, WWE Studios has perfected the action movie. All you need is a professional wrestler with no prior acting experience trying to act, a blonde lady who may or may not be Australian being kidnapped by an angry man, and as many explosions and deaths that you can fit in thirty days of filming. Mix those three important elements together and you get a little thing called movie magic. With every release, it’s as if WWE Studios and 20th Century Fox are pulling a rabbit made out of millions of dollars out of a hat, which is made out of billions of dollars.

When you can get an actor who was born to play a lead role — like Ted DiBiase playing Joe Linwood in The Marine 2 — you have yourself a fine piece of cinematic goodness. On second thought, Randy Orton was originally born to play Joe Linwood, but he was born with a collarbone injury. Regardless, I am excited. If the first part of this movie was any indication, I predict more thrills, spills, chills, kills, krills, and people not named Jill than ever before. I don't know what movies previous generations liked for I am still young and hip, but let me tell you that The Marine 2 is not your grandfather and/or father's action movie. For one, this film is in colour. Also, people are talking to each other through the spoken word.

Ladies, gentlemen, gentle ladies, and ladylike men; I present to you a straight-to-video film that almost everyone saw. A DVD and Blu-ray combo pack smack dab in the popular titles section. This time, a 90-minute trip to paradise became a mission that only I could handle. It all started when they messed with the wrong professional wrestling analyst. Get ready for the conclusion of The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase.

Unique Scene Transition 2: Unique Scene Transition Reloaded

When you crash your jeep or jeep-like vehicle into a brick wall, what do you do? If you're Joe Linwood accompanied by your mercenary friend, you would leave the jeep, use that newly created hole in the wall as your own personal entrance, and find yourself in a unique scene transition. Forget about saving hostages. A higher power needs to show others that he does not approve of fading to black.

In the dining/hostage room, Jango Fett prevents his ninja brother (Jefjare) from stabbing a rich man in the throat. Jefjare Fett thanks his brother by running into the kitchen, kicking pots and pans, and screaming, "I want to kill them all. Ahhhh." Robin looks concerned (as she should be). Robin is never going to take Jefjare's title. Ahhhh.

Tent Fight

The commander and the diplomatic advisor are arguing about the mercenaries’ double cross. Who’s to blame? I blame their parents. The commander wants the advisor out of the tent, mission, and scene. Like the director, the commander doesn't want to see his face again because it's Jefjare Time.

Back in the kitchen, Jefjare throws around condiments and pieces of lettuce until his brother asks him to chill. Jefjare expresses his anger at the marine who killed their men. Supposedly, Robin knows the identity of this marine and starts crying joyful tears. I am equally happy. I cannot wait until John Triton makes his cameo appearance as the only marine who can save her. Joe Linwood is a marine, but can he save people? Nope. He let that kid die at the beginning of the film because he was too busy talking about books.

Four Things You Need To Know

Joe's mercenary friend wants Joe to know that his group is made up of mercenaries, which is why traitors were able to infiltrate their team. Joe’s mercenary friend is good at explanations. Darren Conner wants Robin to know that he is sorry for treating Joe Linwood like he was Ted DiBiase. As long as they are patient, Jango Fett wants his brother to know that those Westerners will pay for what they have done. Joe's mercenary friend ends Knowledge Corner by handing his gun to Joe, hoping he will deliver his message to Blondie. I did not need to know that last thing, Joe's mercenary friend. I'm sitting with the band right now, watching this movie. Debbie Harry is not pleased. To calm her down, I have asked Debbie to take my gun. She must deliver my message to Papa Roach. How you like that? I saw your CD collection. Don’t lie to me.

They Done Got Serious

Jango Fett instructs his ninjas to take Robin and Cynthia away from the group. Fight it, ladies. Do not tell them about this island's proximity to the volcanic corridor. Robin retaliates by kicking at Jango in a way that gives viewers a quick glimpse of her panties. I’m glad this movie had the guts to confirm my suspicion: the majority of females do not go commando in a tense hostage situation.

Darren Conner defends Robin, Cynthia, and the rest of the hostages by wrestling one of the ninjas to the ground and putting him in a chokehold (“The Conner Clutch”). The other ninjas release their man by striking Conner in the back with the butt of a machine gun, then kicking him in the gut. Jango points a pistol at him and claims that there will come a time when Darren Conner will be more useful to them dead than alive. By the looks of that chokehold, Conner is pretty useful now. Put him in Florida Championship Wrestling. In a few weeks, introduce him on television as NXT Season 3 Rookie Terwilliger Rosenthal.

Snorkelling Time is Over

Once again, Joe Linwood returns to the snorkelling shack to ask Church for help. Church grants Joe access to his box of goodies, chock full of item like binoculars and a dirty white object that resembles a seashell ― the ultimate hostage-saving weapon. Hesitant to join Joe on the mission, Church hands over the keys to his boat.

As Joe leaves, Church puts on his disappointed-in-himself face. A second later, he finally agrees to join the marine by slightly smiling at him. Church doesn't want to risk his life, but if he has an opportunity to shove Joe overboard, he's going to take it.

Church is a Scaredy Cat

Church drives Joe to shore, but does not wish to go any further. He says, "Give 'em, hell, marine." Joe runs away from him into the resort caves because Church is the Norman Smiley of rescue missions.

Mercenary traitors and ninjas survey the area as Joe moves toward the resort. To show his skills as a marine, he swims in the pool for a minute. Underneath the pool bridge, he gets the attention of one of the guards by splashing in the water. Once the bad guy peeks over the railing, Joe pulls him into pool and stabs him in the heart. To my surprise, the man either does not bleed or bleeds chlorine. He looks like Manny Pacquiao, too. Fight Floyd Mayweather already. Stop dying while cleaning pools.

Out of the sight from the other guards, Joe steals some leftover fireworks and approaches the resort entrance. At the makeshift military base, the commander and the diplomatic advisor argue over Joe's involvement in the hostage situation. You can cut the sexual tension with a sexy knife, at least after you splash in the water and pull the tension into the pool.

United States of Americans

Returning to the dining/hostage room, Cynthia translates the public address system announcement to her fellow captives. She tells Conner that one man, referred to as "The American," has come to save them. George Clooney's character has travelled from one motion picture to another released one year prior, looking to spare rather than end the lives of people? Good for him. What is "The Marine" going to do, though?

Outside, Jango Fett and ninjas watch as the lifeless henchmen's body is taken out of the pool. Jefjare turns away from his brother. To nobody in particular, he vows to take Joe's heart out, most likely killing him. Jango looks at his brother with a confused face. Jango is not sure if serious.


A sweaty Joe Linwood refers to the advisor’s blueprints to get a better sense of the resort's layout. Using his binoculars, sweat falls from his chin as he watches Blondie ― who is actually a mercenary traitor and not a popular band from the 1970s ― run to another part of the resort. Blondie is getting Joe mighty hot and bothered. Blondie is his Phoebe Cates.

In a laundry room, Blondie and his traitor friend attach bombs to pillars before Joe interferes in their fun. He kicks a laundry hamper into Blondie, throws a knife into the heart of Blondie's traitor friend, then drives a knife further into his heart with a flying kick. Blondie crawls over to his gun, but Joe stops him by grabbing his foot and kicking him in the face. George Clooney is stuck in traffic.

Pleat the Press

While another bad guy sets up explosives in the resort caves, Joe manhandles Blondie. He confidently stumbles through his interrogation: "I know you're just in it for the money. Unless you really wanna... die... for the cause, you tell me where they are." After Blondie refuses, Joe grabs his arm and burns the flesh off in an iron press. Finally, Blondie tells him the location before his face gets shoved into the press as well.

As he is about to kill Blondie with a gunshot, he avoids Jango Fett's gunfire and takes cover in the boiler room. Jango approaches Blonde and kills him for talking anyway. Jango never trusted Blondie, perhaps because his name was Blondie.

Boiler Room Brawl

Jango Fett returns to the hostage room to speak with Darren Conner. Using his iPhone, Jango gets Conner to confirm the transfer of the monetary tribute on video. Unfortunately, Jango cuts the video off before Conner can request the hostages’ freedom. Why shouldn't you have it all? You should have it all, but Jango has the latest version of the iPhone. That is why you can't have it all.

Hiding behind the strongest pillar in the history of pillars, Joe endures a barrage of bullets until the traitors run out of ammo. A mercenary traitor throws a grenade so softly that Joe is given ample time to roll away from the blast in slow motion.

Two traitors ambush Joe. With a forceful punch to Joe's face, they celebrate with a synchronized Power Rangers pose dance. Disgusted by their dance, Joe retaliates by performing an elaborate butt-kicking ballet, highlighted by a Spin-A-Roonie and a three-way drop kick. Joe wins the brawl by kicking one traitor's head through the side of a wooden cabinet before choking the other out with his boot.

Whichever traitor did not help the other hurt Joe during that three-way drop kick deserved his demise. He’s like a potato sack race partner who just stands there and allows the other teams to win.

The Commander Enunciates

The commander informs the diplomatic advisor that Jango and his men have agreed to release the hostages, but only to him. He admits that this tactic might be Jango's way of sending a stronger message to the world ― killing a powerful government official in addition to the innocents. Once the advisor agrees to take a chance for the sake of the hostages, the commander admits that he may have misjudged him. At the end of the film, I hope they can finally spend some time together, expressing their love for each other in a secluded part of the resort. Even though they don’t know it yet, they are the Joe and Robin of this island.

Impromptu Celebration of Light

Joe distracts the hostage takers by putting on his own fireworks display. From afar, Church watches the show. He curses Joe for either being a hostage-saving genius or wasting perfectly good fireworks.

Through the dining room shadows, Joe calls Robin over to him. Obviously, Robin is glad to see him, but Joe doesn't look so thrilled. Give your wife a break, Joe. As a hostage, she doesn't have access to makeup, a bathroom, or mirrors. For a marine, you set mighty high standards for women on the brink of death. While she doesn't look hot right now, at least she's alive. Isn't that enough?

The other hostages ask Joe what to do next. In Joe's mind, he wants them to give his wife an extreme makeover. From Joe's mouth, he tells them to run, just like that pansy Church did from anything that scared him.

The Getaway

Joe points in the general direction of Freedom Town. "Go toward that part with the green things and the no-shooty-shooty people," he says through hand gestures. In an open area, he tells them to get down. Robin, Conner, and the others immediately react by taking cover as if they are performing the off-Broadway, on-cement production of Cats. Hostages; turn your faces to the daylight. Let your marine lead you. Open up, enter in.

Suddenly, their performance is halted by a flying ninja, who clocks Joe with a phantom kick to the face. The wind from the kick makes Joe spit out blood or Kool-Aid. Robin tries to tend to her husband, but the flying ninja points a gun at her. Even though Joe knew these hostages were thirsty, he did not offer them his mouthful of tropical punch? Joe Linwood is a piece of work.

Square One

The journey to Freedom Town ends as the hostages find themselves back in the dining room, cuffed and gagged. As for Joe, he sits in a chair, handcuffed with a long chain that is attached to a ceiling pipe. Joe gets all the perks.

To everyone's surprise, the diplomatic advisor unveils himself as the mastermind behind the whole evil plan. The advisor admits that he allowed Conner to bring the Western world and his sweet, sweet Western money to the island, only for Conner to turn the place into his "own private toilet." When Jango Fett proposed to take back the island by force, the advisor let him at it. For Conner's private toilet, this island still looks quite nice. He pisses and poops beautiful things.

Jango's Day In

The diplomatic advisor continues his marathon of informative exposition by admitting that he let the mercenaries die to scare off the military. During his entire speech, I was waiting for him to talk about how he tried and failed to grow decent facial hair, but he never did.

Accompanied by his brother Jefjare, Jango Fett announces that they have received the tribute. He assures the advisor that he will get a bonus in addition to his share of the money. That bonus turns out to be a ten-second bomb, which Jeffare hangs off the advisor's neck. Jango shoves the advisor out of the building and lets him explode. Cool Jango Fetts, Jefjare Fetts, ninjas, mercenary traitors, marines, and hostages don't look at explosions.

Heart to Heart

The henchmen lead the hostages ― who are now equipped with bombs ― out of the building, which gives him and his brother some private time with Joe. Jango asks Joe if he has ever sacrificed innocents to get the job done. Joe says, "Innocents always die in war, but the goal is to save people, not kill them to win." If I had three extra large shirts, I would put that excellent catchphrase on them. Three large people would have to stand beside each other at all times in order for the catchphrase to make any sense, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Jefjare leaves the room with Robin while Jango allows his most menacing ninja to take care of Joe. Evading the ninja's knife, Joe rises to his feet. He elbows and knees the man to the ground. Grabbing the knife, he stabs the menacing ninja through the stomach. Even though the dead ninja has the keys to the handcuffs, Joe is unable to reach him. Eventually, Joe decides to set himself free by pulling his hand through one of the cuffs, then crawling over to the guy to completely uncuff himself. If I were him, I would have hugged the ninja to death for easy access to his keys. I'm just saying.

Payback in the Boiler Room

Surrounded by hostages tied to pipes and heaters, Joe engages in a fist fight with Jefjare Fett. Outside, Jango uses his walkie-talkie and asks if the hostages are secure. As seen in previous scenes, Jefjare does not bother to respond because he does not know how to properly communicate with people. For a moment, Jefjare gains an advantage over Joe by aggravating his hand injury and holding him at gunpoint. As he is about to pull the trigger, Church kills Jefjare with a bullet from behind. He's not gonna be in The Marine 3.

Joe frees the hostages. Church hands him his gun and tells Joe to get Jango. Yet again, Church is too afraid to fight. He emphasizes his wussiness by giving a knife to Darren Conner, who has no military experience at all. I bet Church is afraid to see this movie. If you see him wandering around a Blockbuster with a DVD in hand, he might ask you to watch this film for him. Do not honour his request. He's a big boy. He should learn how to handle big boy films.

Kaboom Pre-Show

After failing to receive a walkie-talkie response from Jefjare, Jango instructs his men to kill the hostages. Sensing that his henchmen are cool-looking idiots, Jango triggers the sixty-second explosion countdown via remote to ensure that the job will be done. Meanwhile, Conner and Church guide the others out of the building. To give you an idea of how strong the boiler room explosion could be, each stick of dynamite in the room is labelled with the words, Dynamite: High Explosive.

Church finally shows some guts by snapping the neck of an incoming ninja and taking his weapon. Then again, Conner shows the same amount of guts by stabbing the other incoming ninja with a knife. Darren Conner writes books and expels beautiful island accessories from his body. He has no idea how to kill a guy, yet managed to do so in one try. Church rewards Conner by giving him a gun, cutting his killing work down in half. Church is frightened and lazy.


The hostages narrowly escape the resort as multiple bombs go off on the premises. A calm and collected Joe avoids additional explosions as if he is taking a quiet jog through the park. As another bomb goes off behind him, he dives into the water without a care in the world, following Jango and his woman into the jungle caves.

Jango triggers the countdown on another explosive device, then drags Robin further into the caves. Continuing his jog through the park that is the deadly island resort, Joe unknowingly runs into the explosion. The impact does not kill him, but loosens a bunch of rocks, which fall on top of him. Robin stares at the rubble in disbelief. Styrofoam rocks are the only force in this film that can take down Joe Linwood.

Kaboom Post-Game Show

Strike what I said earlier from the record of Styrofoam Rocks vs. Motion Picture Marines. Joe Linwood is alive. He rises from the rubble and equips his pistol in search of Jango and Robin.

Through the maze of waterfront shacks, Jango tries to ambush Joe. The Second Marine sees him and begins the climactic battle. Jango and Joe wrestle for possession of the gun. Once Jango takes the pistol away from him, he chases Joe through the shacks. Joe avoids him by busting his way through doors and windows, interrupting a children's game of checkers. Next, he passes a wooden roof, knocking down pillars until it collapses behind him. Jango gracefully walks over the roof and chases Joe through the market. Together, Jango and Joe have destroyed weather-shielding structures and competitive youth activities. They are both monsters. Is there no such thing as a hero? I believe there is not.

Jango stumbles over a set of crates, allowing Joe to knock the gun out of his hand. Taking their fight to the dock, Joe defends himself from the wrath of Jango's newfound bo staff. Jango proceeds to Darth Maul and Donatello it up until Joe is able to break the staff in half.

Robin's Nest

Jango and Joe fall off the second level of the dock and violently land on a boat’s floor. Joe hits the hardest, crashing butt-first through the floor. Underneath that floor, Joe lucks out and finds Robin, held captive in a cage. That's one strong, mystery-solving butt. Despite Robin's mouth not moving, she tells him to get her out of there.

Sensing Joe's vulnerable state, Jango runs at him. Before he can attack, Joe grabs a spear from underneath the dock and impales Jango through the chest. With one last push, Joe sends Jango crashing into a nearby shack. In the process, a barrel of gasoline falls over, inconveniently leaking flammable liquid everywhere.

Lovin' Interrupted

The second that Joe frees Robin from the cage, they start making out in celebration of Jango's death. Soon enough, their premature make-out session is halted as Jango revives himself somehow and puts Joe in a sleeper hold. Without moving his mouth, he manages to tell Joe that the tribute will never stop and more Western victims are to come. I think Jango should spend some time with Robin. They have a lot in common. Maybe they can start a book club together. Actually, I take that back. That’s how Joe got into this mess in the first place.

Joe does not appreciate the interruption, nor does he appreciate people who are not his wife, speaking without opening their mouths. Joe tosses Jango up and over himself, letting him fall onto a set of uncomfortable boat boxes. While Jango reaches for a flare gun, Joe suggests that he and his wife should leave the boat. Good suggestion because Jango is about to fire a flare gun on a boat that has been coated in gasoline.

Joe and Robin escape, dramatically jumping off the boat into the non-exploding waters. They swim back to the dock and embrace. Joe jokes with his wife, saying that he thought his job was dangerous. Robin responds by telling Joe that she loves him. The scene ends before Joe is given a chance to reply. This marriage between Joe and Robin Linwood will not last, what with all the explosions, hostage takings, and one-way declarations of affection.

The Verdict: ***************1/8 out of ***************************13/14
Overall, Joe Linwood is better than John Triton. John loved his wife and revived every Southeast Asian child he encountered. You make me sick, John Triton.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 97th

WWE Championship Match
Sheamus (c) vs. Lord Voldemort

He Who Must Not Be Named is a mystery
An evil wizard with surprisingly decent teeth
Ralph Fiennes with botched rhinoplasty
Young Harry didn't know, what Ralph did to his parents long ago
Inhuman men can hurt human feelings

They saw the anagram in his name
He's so wicked, making kids play word games
He made his own version of Yahtzee, but the thrill is not the same
He is Lord Voldemort
He is Lord Voldemort

The Question:
Who wins and how?



The Swerved has mastered hustle, loyalty, and respect, but will need to take a summer course on hinting that other sites prefer to make love to dudes.


Nobody gets what I say. Must be some way to convey, but no one else remembers my name — just those parts that I played.

The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 1)

The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has got it all wrong. They should not go out of their way to nominate movies about bomb squads trying to diffuse deadly bombs in Iraq. They should not blindly applaud films that deal with paraplegic war veterans finding lanky-blue-alien love with sexy female aliens in a foreign world. If a South African government agent becomes an extraterrestrial bug who loves cat food, they should take a moment to think and rethink about their vote. If an old man or George Clooney take to the skies, they should feel free to leave their naked man trophies at home. Surely, they may recognize these films as quality entertainment, but they must refrain from doing so at the expense of one of the best films of our generation.

Years from now, who's going to remember Sandra Bullock raising a misguided, football-playing youth as if he were her own misguided, football-playing son? Who's going to press play on their remote and revisit moments based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Will anyone ever be in the mood to watch Brad Pitt mispronounce words in a flick with a misspelled title? Not I. As long as they keep their distance, I consider myself to be a man of the people. For the most part, I like what you like. Therefore, I can safely say that we do not care for any of these so-called cinematic masterpieces.

Although I am not a movie critic, I know a triumph of modern cinema when I see one. Without a doubt, The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase is that triumph. Many critics believe that this movie wasn't good enough for them because it went to straight to DVD and Blu-ray. Well, I believe that The Marine 2 was too good for them. They do not deserve to learn how the sequel ties up the loose ends of the original. What do critics know anyway? They may critique films for a living, but they're not the general public. They have no clue what interests us.

If movies like The Marine 2 are becoming the straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray standard, why should I go the theatre? My home can serve as a cineplex. For The Marine 2, I would even be willing to pay admission to see a film that I previously bought in a store in my own residence. Then again, you don't have to take my word for it. Join me in this two-part look at Ted DiBiase's 2009 acting debut and indirectly witness the greatness for yourself.

Rooftop Book Club

In the Southeast Asian streets of Southeast Asia, two children start a water gun fight. The young boy grabs a gun that looks like an actual working pistol. In response, the young girl raises up her colourful Super Soaker. Just as she is about to feel the comforting warmth of a supersonic bullet, weak spurts of water emerge from the boy's gun. Water versus water will always be a wash, but the winner of water versus lead has not yet been determined. Water versus lead is like the Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao or Undertaker vs. Sting of children's street games.

On the concrete roof of a multiple storey building, Joe Linwood (Ted DiBiase) talks to his black marine friend about their favourite books. “Hell no,” says Black Marine Friend at the possibility of reading books that are not written by Stephen King. Joe was going to give him Big Apple Takedown for his birthday, but forget that now. He'll have to think of something else to get him, such as a Stephen King look-alike jumping out of a cake in a courtroom setting.

Alhad Me At Goodbye

Upon first sight of a black SUV trailing two pickup trucks, Joe and Black Marine Friend rush to another rooftop with sniper rifles in hand. At Southeast Asian street level, shady-looking men unload a wooden crate from one of the trucks, revealing a machine gun. A man in an oversized leather jacket is displeased. "Why did WWE Studios give me this ill-fitting jacket? Don't they have any money?" he did not say. Skirt-wearing bad man Sanan Alhad comes out of the black SUV to address the unhappy man. "At least you have a jacket. Wardrobe ran out of pants five minutes ago," he may have said.

With Alhad in his sights, Joe rubs his fingers together, implying that he is one of those wealthy rooftop snipers. One day, maybe Joe can buy him some pants. After pulling the trigger, a bullet goes through a random bad guy and Sanan.

A crazy gunfight ensues. Stray shots from a rocket launcher provide the first of many explosions. Joe and Black Marine Friend take down several bad guys, then hide behind cover. Through the rooftop flames, they notice that the young boy who was playing with water guns is lying unconscious. No, he can't die. We must know if lead can defeat water. Since the boy is bleeding, Joe tries to bring revive him with CPR — the surefire way to close a victim’s potentially fatal wounds. A few seconds later, Black Marine Friend tells Joe that they have to leave. He claims that the child is dead anyway. Joe and I believe him for he read it in a Stephen King novel.

The Cleansing

A distraught Joe washes his hands and face in an outdoor sink. To my knowledge, cleaning yourself cannot bring another human being back to life, but perhaps I shouldn't tell him that in this difficult time.

At the U.S. Marine Base, Joe sits down in front of his MacBook and talks to his wife Robin (Lara Cox). Once she finds out that Joe is coming home for a couple of weeks, Robin is ecstatic. "Do you remember me talking about Darren Conner? My super rich client? Owns like a bazillion different businesses — real estate, hotels, and casinos. He is opening a new resort and guess who's in charge of his super-deluxe, invite-only, opening bash?" Tell him already, lady. He doesn't have time to guess. He just let that Southeast Asian kid die.

Joe is reluctant to join her as he was looking forward to returning to Michigan. Being an understanding wife, Robin suggests that he skip the trip and come home, but Joe changes his mind. He says that she is his home. Is your home Michigan or your wife? One is a mighty large and spacious state, while the other is a pleasant looking, petite white woman. You are one confusing marine, Joe Linwood. John Triton was never this indecisive.

Robin tells Joe that she loves him back, despite Joe never saying that he loved her. Joe is indecisive and his wife is hearing things. They are perfect for each other.

Unique Scene Transition

Watch out, Robin. A small charter plane and a scenic island setting are about to crash into your bedroom. Oh wait. We are transitioning from your bedroom to your journey to the resort in an interesting fashion. Good show.

Robin asks Joe, "Isn't it beautiful?" Joe agrees, but does not seem convinced. If I were him, I would say, "You have eyes. Determine the beauty of the scenery for yourself. Besides, your definition of beauty may deviate from mine, depending upon the number of beautiful to not beautiful people, places, and things we have seen in our respective lifetimes." On second thought, I would probably say, "Yeah, sure is."

Looking out the window, they see the resort, which appears to be in the shape of the Transformers' Decepticons logo. Shockwave is not hospitable. Roll out, you two.

The Arrival

Following a wet and bumpy jeep ride, Mr. and Mrs. Linwood meet Cynthia (an employee of the resort) at the entrance. In her half-British accent, she informs them that their goal is to have the most energy-efficient resort in this part of the world. Apparently, this island rests in close proximity to the volcanic corridor. They have constructed their own geothermal plant allowing them to use heat for power. Twenty-four hour armed guards in the security towers provide top-of-the-line surveillance. Lastly, they are having their opening party here tomorrow night. Thank goodness. Imagine if they were having their opening party in Michigan.


Do not playfully throw Robin Linwood into the beautiful resort waters. She has to go to a meeting, yet has a moment to discuss Joe's distant demeanour. On his last mission, Joe tells her that he got a closer look than he usually gets. The sight of a boy fishing in the water has made him think about change.

Robin insists that she is proud of him, whether he is saving the world or sweeping the floor. For me, I see no difference in either activity as I often sweep floors to save the world. Turned on by his wife's low expectations of him, Joe goes in for some CPR love before Darren Conner (Robert Coleby) interrupts. Conner confuses Joe for a soldier. Robin specifies that he is a marine. I am proud of both Conner and Robin in this scene, whether they are trying to figure out who Joe Linwood is or sweeping the floor.

Conner takes her aside, but does a terrible job at doing so as Joe and Conner's lackey can hear their entire conversation. Conner tells her that reporters and Green Peace lawyers are all up in his business. He asks Robin to do her job and handle them, which she gladly agrees to do. Before Robin does her job, I think Conner should do his job and learn how to conduct private conversations.

Robin follows Conner and his lackey, but not before telling her husband that she has a surprise for him. If she brings him reporters and Greenpeace lawyers, I rescind my previous comment about being unconditionally proud of her.

Closed Surprise

Surrounded by caged birds and the restless spirit of the water gun boy, Joe and Robin happily walk through the island village. She puts her hand over his eyes and guides him to a hut with a closed sign hanging over the entrance. The fact that she did not see the closed sign before guiding him to the hut does not bode well for their marriage or future surprises.

Inside the hut, a scruffy, cigar-smoking man reads the paper. He assures the couple that the place is closed. Following the rules, Joe and Robin enter the hut anyway. When Robin pleads with the man to let them take a snorkelling tour, the scruffy man gives in to her demands. So, a snorkelling tour is your big surprise, Robin? If you end up with water in your lungs, Joe won't save you. As seen in a previous scene, he prefers alternative life-saving methods. Although CPR would be appropriate for this hypothetical scenario, Joe doesn't play that game. In the event that you drown, Joe will tie a tourniquet around your leg. Good luck.

The scruffy man walks up to Joe and finds out that he is a marine. Together, Joe and Church (Michael Rooker) laugh about being military guys. Ha, ha, ha. Military-related memories.

Snorkelling Time

On his janky boat, Church sends the couple to a remote part of the island. As the husband and wife undress, Church shoves Joe overboard and laughs. Oh, the hilarity military.

With Church out of the picture, Joe and Robin snorkel while holding hands. How adorable of them to show their love for one another at the expense of demonstrating proper swimming techniques. Venturing to the shore, Robin lays on top of him. The waves rush over them as they begin a remote make-out session. By my count, Robin has pinned Joe for at least a 15 count, but I see no referee in sight. Church was right. This place is remote.


One moment, Joe and Robin are wandering around the caves of the island, trying to find a route back to the resort. The next moment, they have returned to the resort. Somewhere in those caves, ancient islanders must have drawn Google Maps on the walls to show them where to go.

Pool Partay

It's tomorrow night already? I am not even formally dressed yet. For the past several hours, I have been snorkelling, making out with myself, and wandering around caves. My, my, my, Cynthia. Time in this island sure does fly fast. I blame it on that geothermal plant somehow.

At this party, you've got it all: jazzy lounge music, people reading Why Shouldn't You Have It All? by Darren Conner, fruit buffets, girls with wine glasses who are struggling to dance, paper lantern lights, and Darren Conner himself interrupting public displays of affection between the male and female lead. Conner explains to Robin that reporters have been pestering him and his lackeys again. Robin is about to get right on that, but Conner mouths off to her.

Joe stands up for his wife. Unlike Conner, Joe tells him that he does not pick on women half his size. If Joe or Conner want to raise their self-esteem, I recommend picking on females who are three-fourths to three-and-a-half-fourths their size. They are still smaller than you, but not as defenseless.

Robin steps in before Conner and Joe’s confrontation gets out of hand. She informs Conner that opening up to the media will paint him as more than an American outsider with something to hide. After Conner starts to side with her, she adds that he has a speech to give. Joe looks concerned, constipated, angry, sad, confused, or like a man who has recently acquired a lot of money in a storyline.

The Church of Church

On stage, Robin wishes a good evening to friends, colleagues, and investors, then introduces the partygoers to Darren Conner. Since Joe is not a friend, a colleague, an investor, the chairman of Conner Industries, nor the host of the party, he walks away and undresses. Conner welcomes everyone to the Tangalla Beach Resort — where you never have to ask yourself, "Why Shouldn't I Have It All?" I'm sorry, but I ask that question to myself every day. A trip to Decepticons Island will not put an end to my questioning ways. To show my displeasure for Conner's comment, I will undress, too.

Joe wanders over to the shore and stumbles upon a collection of fireworks. Suddenly, Church throws fireworks at him. In response, Joe calls him a "crazy-ass powder monkey." I, for one, am glad that Joe was only talking about crazy-ass power monkeys. If any sane power monkeys heard about his remark, they would be sending letters to this movie right now.

While Church prepares for the fireworks show, he has a heartfelt talk with Joe regarding his recent argument with Robin and Conner. If Church was Joe, Church would return to the party and tell Robin how sorry he was. In Church's opinion, the makeup sex would be worth it. On the other hand, Conner does not deserve an apology or makeup sex. He never frolicked in the water or made out with Joe on the shore. Tough luck.

The Pretty Colour Parade

As Joe is about to return to the party with two cocktails, a huge missile comes in from the shore. At the last second, Joe ducks, letting the missile destroy one of the security towers. In the next scene, Joe better get two more “I’m Sorry” cocktails for that tower. Additional missiles hit the other towers and the general area surrounding the party. Those missiles are destructive, yet considerate. They don't want to kill people. They just want to send a message.

Gun-toting ninjas come up to the shore on boats, bombarding the place with bullets. Joe drops the two cocktails in shock, meaning that he will have get six “I’m Sorry” cocktails for his wife, that security tower, and those two broken glasses.

Partygoers run for cover, except Robin who stands there for a second and stares at Joe from the second-floor pool area. Seconds later, she screams Joe's name, revealing that her reaction time to traumatic events is quite poor. Joe runs up the walkway and starts roughing up ninjas. In the midst of trying to save the resort and his woman, he turns around, letting a ninja hit him in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Why did he turn around if a ninja was waiting for him, wielding a wine bottle? I will answer you th...

Sorry about that. As I was typing, a ninja hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. I would tell you the r...

The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man

The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man (Temuera Morrison as Damo) makes his presence known as the leader of the gun-toting ninjas. He silences a random woman by shoving her into the pool. You know who else likes shoving people into bodies of water? Church does. If that is Church under the mask, I will laugh at first (for I used to be in the military), but then I will be very mad at him. Darren Conner confronts him and asks the masked man his name and purpose for invading the island. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man must have not heard the question because he ends up greeting him. Somebody forgot to drill ear holes in that mask.

Joe recovers from the wine bottle shot and grabs a gun from one of the ninjas. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man reacts by taking Conner hostage. This momentary distraction allows a ninja to come into the picture, knock the gun out of Joe's hand, and wrestle him from the second-floor pool area to the grass below.

Thankfully, Church shows up and takes Joe away from the commotion. Good on him for not being the villain wearing two types of chocolate on his face. From afar, Robin screams, "No" and "Joe," confirming that she knows how to rhyme in peril. You love rapping when you're curious, but what happens when a group of ninjas start threatening your life?

The Church of Latter Day Abandoners

A disoriented Joe Linwood wakes up on a cot. The lack of memory foam mattresses on this island disgusts me. With Church looking over him like a homeless angel, Joe realizes that he has been transferred to a makeshift military base.

He sprints to a television truck — which is surrounded by soldiers and reporters — to watch an important news update. The video shows the Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas bringing the hostages to their knees. The masked man sends the following message: "For the last century, we have watched helplessly as the disease of the Western world has spread across our islands. Now it is your turn to watch. We will kill all the hostages in 24 hours. If you wish to spare their lives, you must pay tribute." Church defines "tribute" by referring to ransom paid by infidels like himself. I was thinking that they had to form a cover band of gun-toting ninjas, led by a man with a half-white-chocolate, half-milk-chocolate mask. Either way, that's rough.

The hostage takers select a balding man out of the group to serve as an example, but the hostage is unwilling to volunteer. Joe Linwood cannot believe what is happening until the ninjas behead the guy. Joe immediately asks Church to help him save his wife and the other hostages, only for Church to walk away from him. Pushing people overboard and laughing about the good old military days is cool, but when it comes time to do something worthwhile, Church is out? This homeless angel is no good.

The Room of Those Who Are Slightly Inconvenienced

The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas move the hostages to the resort’s dining area. Robin pleads with her hostage takers to take it easy on them as they are willing to do whatever they want. Meanwhile, the hostages want Robin to shut her mouth hole.

The leader unmasks and throws Robin to the ground. He is Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. How could you, Jango? I know Samuel L. Jackson decapitated you in that movie, but you should not have taken your aggression out on that random hostage's head. That random hostage and his head did nothing to you. Next, Jango’s ninjas unmask to reveal sweaty men of diverse ethnic backgrounds. They are no Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. I'll tell you that much.

Once they leave the room, Robin answers Conner's question concerning their hostage takers’ identities. She calls them, "separatists, fighting the spread of Western influence on their country." Robin is a little too knowledgeable for my liking. It’s as if she is watching the movie while being kidnapped in the movie. Despite Robin knowing too much, the ninjas return and take Conner away from the group instead. Get Robin, you fools. I bet she knows Jango Fett's sexual history. I bet she is beginning to understand that she in a sham marriage with Ted DiBiase. She has meta-knowledge.

Fancy Presentation Tube

At the makeshift military base, a diplomatic advisor strolls in to meet the commander and his soldiers. His fancy cylindrical tube holds blueprints to the resort. Joe Linwood intervenes and wants in on the hostage-saving action. The advisor responds to his request by introducing him to a band of mercenaries, who will serve as reinforcements during the hostage negotiations. The mercenaries want no part of Joe, which is understandable. A man wearing a shirt with perfectly symmetrical sweat stains should not be trusted.

Back at the dining area, Conner assures Jango Fett and his henchmen that they will get their money soon enough. Jango is not pleased, but tells his ninjas that his mystery plan is falling into place. Who are these people? The Nexus? Those guys never had a plan. Step one was putting an N on their shirts. Step two was winging it. Step three was considering the possibility of adding a second letter on their shirts. What a crummy plan.

Ted Stealthiase

Joe Linwood creeps through the jungle to follow the mercenaries as they approach hostage headquarters. At first, they are spooked by his presence. In the shadows, Joe resembles a muscly, boring, jungle ghost with minimal, jungle-ghost charisma. When Joe requests to take the first sniper shot, the mercenary leader hands him the gun.

Joe nails a ninja lookout in the mask with a bullet. He looks back, awaiting the mercenary leader's approval. Another mercenary hands him a handgun before taking back the rifle. Mercenaries do not know how to reward people. You don't give students a B for getting an A. These mercenaries should never give out prizes for anything.


Overhearing the message from a henchmen's walkie-talkie, Cynthia informs Robin that Joe Linwood and His Merry Mercenary Men have been spotted. This statement is followed by a sequence in which Joe and His Merry Mercenary Men gracefully move through the dark waters. You better not mess with Joe Linwood. He has a smaller gun than before.

Near the walkway leading up to the resort, Joe and his allies come across a group of mercenaries who were shot in the back of the head — wine bottle style. Eventually, they realize that they have been set up. Traitors and ninjas attack them from all directions, wounding the mercenary's leg in the process. Following a hail of gunfire and explosions, Joe and his mercenary friend escape imminent danger with the help of a jeep. Since Joe has mastered the jeep, I fully expect the lead mercenary guy to reward him with a smaller jeep.