Monday, July 28, 2008

Conversations with Batman: Master Edgeward



Classics for you.


I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted the glory. I wanted the fame. I wanted the pretty girls to come up and say, "Hi, I see that you're good at Centipede."

The Booker: Book Them

Yes, it's that time of the month again. My feminine cramps are cramping. I am hurting bad, but do not fret, World Wrestling Entertainment. On this installment of The Booker, I am going to book like no booker has ever booked before. I am going to book so well that is looks as though I am not booking. Brace yourselves for the sports entertainment experience of the century. Hold on to your hats, or hold on to your seats. What means more to you? Hats or seats? Hats love you unconditionally. Seats looked after your pet when you were away on vacation. Choose wisely.

While I commend the select few who wish to come aboard this extraordinary freight train I call the Super Awesome Floral Arrangement Express, I do question your decision. What are you doing indoors? If you have to take a break from the hilarity that is The Swerved for a week, I don‘t mind. The day is as bright as it can be. We are living in a beautiful world. Are you hurt by the sun by any chance? Tell The Swerved where the sun sensuously massaged you. Honestly, you could be more productive with yourself. To my understanding, summer comes around once per year. You don't need to spend every second with your nineteenth favourite professional wrestling analyst in the Northern Hemisphere. Maybe you should consider finding a more rewarding hobby, such as kite flying or scaring neighbourhood children with your pasty complexion as you saunter across your driveway in a dental floss bikini. Do it. Do it now.

To whomever is left in these trying times, I give a hearty welcome to you and yours. This edition goes out to those who need to be booked and the valiant heroes who have to book them.

Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. I don't want Vince McMahon's greedy fingerprints on my tremendous wrestling masterpiece. I think of myself as the Jackson Pollock of the wrestling industry, except I don't accidentally spill paint on a white surface and call it art; I make my masterpieces on purpose.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's humble beginnings originate from the ground floor. For your viewing pleasure, my company dishes out new matches, feuds, interviews, and segments. For example, one wrestler who does not like another wrestler will wrestle that wrestler in a wrestling ring. What's the matter? Is this concept too revolutionary for you?
- Though some aspects of SWE and WWE may be similar, the companies do not exist within the same universe. The WWE Universe is full of rabid wrestling fans who can't get enough of the McMahon family’s adorable shenanigans. In turn, the SWE Universe is full of normal people.
- In SWE, wrestlers designated to one brand do not appear on another brand. Despite what you believe, there is plenty of Mike Knox to go around.
- Take a gander at the archive section of The Swerved for previous installments of The Booker. Use the search term "creative perfection" and you will find them. - Each monthly installment of The Booker concludes with that month’s Pay-Per-View. With that said, I cannot do this series forever. Eventually, I will have to pull the plug. I do not want you to think that WWE is capable of entertaining you this much. They have trouble understanding my English. Due to a crippling fear of laces, they still wear Velcro shoes.


SWE Ching-A-Ling Equipped with Much Ding-A-Ling Pay-Per-View Card
July 28, 2008
Presented by Mick Foley's fringe leather jacket. Mick Foley’s fringe leather jacket: Davy Crockett Tested. Davy Crockett Approved.

SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. John Cena

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Umaga

SWE United States Championship Match
MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels

Match for the Vacant World Tag Team Championship
Cryme Tyme vs. LAX

ECW Championship Triple Threat Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy

Best-of-Seven Series for the Vacant SWE Tag Team Championship: Match 1
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang

Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

Big Show vs. Edge

Swerved Wrestling Entertainment makes the coinage. Those Mark Henry-style dreadlock wigs are flying off the shelves. I want to give away this money in one million dollar increments for the purpose of gaining ten new viewers, but I am not insane.



- Lance Cade is still in rehab with an alcohol problem. He is rehabbing the wrong way. You do not stop drinking alcohol by drinking alcohol.

Television Results:

JUNE 30, 2008

- In the ring, William Regal, the new SWE Champion and King of Everything Kingly, sits victorious on his throne. He requests the lowly peasants to be silent. In response, the WWE audience jeers him for they are low income trailer trash, not lowly peasants. Get it right next time. Regal announces that he has vanquished the mighty Triple H and brought an end to all sledgehammer production and distribution practices under the ring. He summons Katie Lea and Paul Burchill to ring. Regal honours Katie Lea with a tiara and places a bejeweled crown on Paul's head. As Katie and Paul stand proud, Regal demands the crowd to bow down before his kingdom. In conclusion, Katie Lea and Paul Burchill are the Peach and Luigi to William Regal's Mario Mario. If you ask nicely, they will celebrate this new alliance through driving various carts shaped like baby carriages. If you ask nicely again, they will shoot turtle shells at each other. It's-a me, cartoon vehicular manslaughter.
In a non-title match, Mr. Kennedy defeats Hardcore Holly with the Mic Check on the Intercontinental Title. Do you have to do that, Mr. Kennedy? You don't have to shove their faces into your belt. Many wrestlers have tried Lasik with much success. They can see your glistening title from both near and far distances. Kennedy utilizes his dangling microphone to declare himself better than CM Punk and the greatest Intercontinental Champion ever. Hey, what about The Godfather? For him, the act of professional pimping was quite difficult.
- Backstage, John Cena confronts the newly appointed prince and princess. Cena pokes fun at Burchill by putting on a Burger King Crown. You are no Burger King, Jonathan Cena. You are not even the lovable drunk of Falafel Town. Cena tells Burchill that Regal's destruction of Triple H was impressive, but his reign won't last for long. In reply, Paul Burchill breaks an overhead brick with his head and obtains a Fire Flower. He throws fireballs at Cena to make him go away. Good work.
- Several minutes late, Chris Jericho arrives at the building. Wrestlers are often truant, yet the world loves them. Most of the fan admiration for Jericho stems from his need to wear sparkly vests and clothesline long distance runners. If I was to enter a dentist's office two weeks late, no one would cheer me. The dentist would berate me for my choice to devour a whole bag of Oreos without brushing.
- On a special edition of the Highlight Reel, Chris Jericho speaks of Rey Mysterio's biggest accomplishments. Rey Mysterio is a former World Heavyweight Champion, a former SWE Tag Team Champion, a multiple-time Cruiserweight Champion in WCW and SWE, and a Mexican. Mysterio usually forgets that last accomplishment. Thus, he had to tattoo that tidbit on this abdomen. My abdominal tattoo reminds me to eat food everyday. If I don't eat food, I will not eat food. Jericho brings out Mysterio to a thunderous ovation. Rey thanks everyone for their support and encouragement over the years. He claims that the best is yet to come. He is right because Jericho smashes an official Highlight Reel stool over his head and storms out of the ring. Masked children everywhere are scared, angry, frustrated, sad, or happy. I cannot tell because they are wearing masks.
- Grey curtain promo time, kids. Natalya, the SWE Women's Champion, cackles at the failure that is Mickie James. In a sarcastic manner, Natalya inquires about the condition of Mickie's back. Whenever Mickie is ready to fight her, Natalya will make sure to finish the job. Jim Neidhart must be proud that his daughter dislikes efficient chiropractic procedures.
Mickie James defeats Jillian Hall with the Mickie DDT. At the end of the match, she holds her back in significant pain. With a furious expression on her face, Mickie looks around for Natalya. Does she want to make her back worse? She should be searching for some Icy Hot. Where's Shaquille O'Neal at?
Mark Henry defeats Val Venis in a squash with the World's Strongest Slam. When Henry defeats every wrestler from the Attitude Era, I will buy him as a serious threat. I hope you're watching, Headbanger Trasher.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Cryme Tyme about their upcoming parking lot confrontation with LAX. Shad tells Homicide and Hernandez that Cryme Tyme is out for blood. Red Cross represent. What's up, my donors? A limping JTG declares war on the Latin American Xchange. Many wars have been fought in parking lots. Some wars have been fought in two-storey parking garages. According to a few history books, one Spanish-American War was fought in a parking space for small vehicles only. I predict that this war will be the most famous one.
- In the parking lot, LAX jump Shad and JTG. Man, LAX are ghetto ninjas. They ram Shad into the side of a truck, then slam a car door against JTG's shin cast. For your health and safety, JTG, stop rolling up your pant legs. Better yet, wear pants made out of titanium for extra protection. Homicide and Hernandez drape the Cuban flag over Cryme Tyme's lifeless bodies.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal and Paul Burchill defeat John Cena with the Regal Stretch. Because John Cena is not human, he refuses to tap out to the move and loses consciousness instead. Burger Kings would never lose consciousness. They would eat some Whoppers to gain a second wind. The fans chant for Triple H, but Hunter is nowhere in sight. To end the show, Regal, Burchill, and Katie Lea stand over John Cena's and wave to the audience. They have discovered the secret warp pipe to my heart -- classy hand greetings.

JULY 7, 2008

Yes, family friendly thugs and former pirates have incredible chemistry. Who will be the family friendly thug to my former pirate? Will you?

- Once more, William Regal sits on his throne with the SWE Championship around his waist. With Prince Paul to the left of him and Princess Katie Lea to the right, Regal listens in on the Triple H chants which echo throughout the arena. In reply, he screams that Hunter is no more, but the fans do not seem to care. As long as he is the King of WWE, Regal stresses that Triple H will not usurp him. To the fans' dismay, William Regal begins to read a list of goals that he plans to accomplish as king. For one, Regal promises that Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea will be champions. Next, Regal tells the audience that Hunter's name shall never be uttered again. If someone references Hunter, Regal will make sure that man, woman, or child never speaks again. As Regal proceeds, John Cena appears and attacks the King of WWE on his throne. Before he can inflict significant damage on Regal, Burchill lays waste to Cena with a neckbreaker. Cena should have waited for a little bit longer. Regal may have granted John unlimited use of his royal snow cone machine or something.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Chris Jericho about his attack on Rey Mysterio. Jericho is not too happy with Mysterio's move to RAW. He does not want one of Smackdown's biggest superstars to take over his show. After all, RAW is Jericho. He urges Rey to take his masked self back to Fridays where he belongs. Correction, Y2J. Mysterio belongs back in WCW circa 1999, sporting devil horns and suspenders. Apparently, the Devil is a twelve-year-old child whose favourite clothing brand is OshKosh B'Gosh.
Chris Jericho defeats Super Crazy with the Walls of Jericho. During the match, Jericho slaps around Crazy and refers to him as Rey Mysterio. Whenever I watch Super Crazy compete, I picture him as a Mexican Shirley Temple, moonsaulting to superstardom. Is that wrong? Or, is that too right to be wrong?
- A video hypes the feud between LAX and Cryme Tyme. JTG should return with a bionic shin.
- The Latin American Xchange show up in a grey curtain interview to brag about their one-upmanship of Cryme Tyme. Hernandez informs Cryme Tyme that they don't know the streets from the suburbs. Homicide chimes to mention Shad and JTG's love for gold. If they love gold so much, LAX wants to challenge them to a match for some golden goodness. To twist the knife further, Hernandez and Homicide chant "Money, money. Yeah, yeah." For the record, I would not take LAX seriously in this type of promo, but they are wearing Cuban flags as capes. Therefore, I must take accept their words as factual. Anyone who wears a cape has merit.
- Backstage, SWE Women's Champion Natalya talks strategy with Beth Phoenix for their upcoming tag team match. Natalya and Beth in the same room may be confusing for some, but not for me. Natalya is the one with female body parts. See what I did there? Give me medals for being smart. I will wear them so people will know I am smart.
Mickie James and Melina defeat Natalya and Beth Phoenix when Mickie pins Beth with the Mickie DDT. For the entire match, Beth and Natalya punish Melina's back with numerous double team moves to taunt Mickie. After Melina tags out, Mickie destroys both women with clotheslines aplenty. Mickie holds Natalya and Beth in a double DDT position, but the champion squirms out of her grasp. Nevertheless, Mickie decides to execute the move anyway. As Mickie tends to Melina, Natalya holds the title above her head with a grin. Somewhere in this crazy world, Jim Neidhart is proud that his daughter can hold objects above her head.
- To promote himself as Intercontinental Champion, Ken Kennedy proves that is a worthy title holder. He tells the audience that CM Punk is not a proud North American, South American, African, European, Australian, Antarctican, or Asian like himself. In a video montage, Kennedy travels across each continent by standing in place while a map of the world scrolls behind him. Kennedy concludes the segment by kissing a baby from all seven continents. You know what? I'm sold. Your method of walking in place is quite intercontinental of you.
CM Punk, Hardcore Holly, and Jim Duggan defeat Mr. Kennedy, Santino, and Carlito with Punk's Go 2 Sleep on Carlito. While CM Punk waits for Kennedy to tag into the match, the Intercontinental Champion refuses. With the victory, CM Punk calls for Kennedy's dangling microphone. With Mr. Kennedy on the apron, Punk swings the microphone at Kennedy and clocks him in the back of the head. Oh, dangling microphone. What a life story, you have.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Kennedy's antics. Punk apologizes to Ken for his own misbehaviour. The next time they meet, Punk will simply take the title from him like a man. Well, can you walk in place in an intercontinental manner? I don't think so.
MATCH 4: Main Event
John Cena defeats Paul Burchill with the F-U. At ringside, William Regal sits on his throne to survey the bout and instruct Prince Paul. Following Regal's orders, Paul tries to injure Cena, but fails. After the finish, Princess Katie Lea enters the ring and shatters her scepter against Cena's back. Despite Katie's brave attempt, John shakes off the impact and hoists her up for the F-U. At this moment, Regal jumps up on the apron, yanks Katie from Cena's shoulders, and leaves ringside. Whatever you do, John Cena, you do not hurt the princess. You wait for a dragon-lizard hybrid creature to kidnap her, then you save her so she will bake you a delicious cake. Do you know anything?

JULY 14, 2008

- John Cena starts off this edition of Monday Night RAW by flailing his arms and saluting nobody in particular. If John Triton flailed his arms and saluted nobody in particular in The Marine, maybe Kate Triton would not have been kidnapped by T-1000. I would never let my lady friend get kidnapped by a liquid silver cop. He is liquid, silver, and a cop -- two of three things I am not. Cena wastes no time to challenge Regal to a match. When Hunter's theme plays, the crowd goes ballistic, only to be disappointed by the arrival of the king. Regal laughs at the fans' stupidity, then accepts the challenge for the upcoming Pay-Per-View. For tonight, Regal advises Cena to find a tag partner who is worthy to compete in a match with the King of SWE. Sadly, T-1000 is not eligible. He is liquid, silver, and a cop.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Intercontinental Champion Mr. Kennedy. With his head wrapped in gauze, Ken admits to CM Punk that he will unable to defend his coveted title for the next few weeks. Kennedy blames his head wound on Punk’s microphonic brutality. In his current state, Mr. Kennedy is the Caucasian equivalent to Hadji from Jonny Quest. That is all.
CM Punk defeats Mark Henry with the Anaconda Vice. Henry throws around Punk for a sizable portion of the match. The last half of the match consists of Punk kicking Henry with his kick pads towards submission. Turn down those kick pads. They are too loud. I desire noise cancelling kick pads.
- In the dark shadows of a hospital room, Cryme Tyme lick their wounds. Shad raises his voice and tells LAX that they will have their vengeance. To fill the void that Cryme Tyme left for SWE, I am selling stolen vengeance for a hundred dollars. On crutches, JTG declares that they will show Homicide and Hernandez how they do it in the streets at the Pay-Per-View. Wait, how do they do it in the streets? On my old neighbour street, fun loving criminals played Jacks.
- Chris Jericho walks down the hallway to the ring. I will never become a professional wrestler. I despise hallways. Don’t get me started on tunnels.
- On tonight’s Highlight Reel, Y2J repeats that RAW is Jericho. Rey Mysterio never defeated The Rock and Steve Austin in one night. Rey Mysterio was not the first Undisputed Champion. Rey Mysterio never unmasked Juventud Guerrera, which then unleashed the legend of The Juice upon the world. If Mysterio wants to be on RAW, he must go through Jericho first. Straight from the crowd, Mysterio runs in and knocks Jericho out of his own segment with a springboard dropkick. Wait until the juicy, juicy, juicy Juice hears about this one. He will say something incomprehensible and juicy.
Mickie James defeats Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix with a Mick Kick to Beth. When the match ends, Natalya runs at her with belt in hand, but Mickie ducks and connects with a backbreaker. Natalya rolls out of the ring to avoid further punishment. Mickie James points at the belt with pointy determination. She is desperate to become the champion of women.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Rey Mysterio. The masked one (Rey Mysterio, not Jack Korpela, who wears a mask of emotionless sorrow) tells Y2J that RAW may be Jericho, but SWE is Mysterio. Whatever lets you sleep with a mask on at night, Rey.
- In the backstage area, Santino compliments Deuce and Domino's retro ride. Initially, they are flattered. One moment later, Santino spits on their automobile and declares his love for Italian scooters. I am right with you. Only the ritziest poor people drive Italian scooters. High class.
Carlito and Santino defeat Deuce and Domino via Santino's sheer charisma. Without Cherry, Deuce and Domino are not all about cool. They are all about wrestling badly while smelling like hard water and old library books.
MATCH 4: Main Event
John Cena and Jerry Lawler defeat William Regal and Paul Burchill with the STFU on the Prince. Lawler plays the role of the old man with hair plugs who throws convincing punches, yet wears kitschy t-shirts in his leisure time. In my upcoming one-man show, I play the same character. Regal endeavours to save Burchill from a pummelling, though chooses not to risk his well-being. Hook a Prince up with a windup boot, your Highness.

JULY 21, 2008

Natalya is not in your league? What league? The League of Extraordinary Batista Floozies? I'm a man, yet I'm somehow in that league. You're not that special.

- CM Punk prepares for his rematch against Mr. Kennedy with several sips of Pepsi. What a hardcore druggie. To set a good example for the kids, I drink from unmarked bottles under my sink. I am worldly like that.
MATCH 1: SWE Intercontinental Title Match
CM Punk defeats Mr. Kennedy via blatant disqualification. Ken attains the referee's undivided attention, points to his title, pantomimes an overhead swinging motion with his title, points at Punk, pantomimes an overhead swinging motion with his title in Punk's direction, then nails Punk in the back with the belt. I am not going to lie to you. I thought Mr. Kennedy was asking for directions to the nearest Bed and Breakfast.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Mr. Kennedy, who scurries out of the arena in his ring gear. Ken informs Korpela that he's still not ready to defend his Intercontinental Title. Six out of seven continents do not approve of Ken's cowardice.
- Chris Jericho speaks with Charlie Haas to give him pointers against Rey Mysterio. Haas says, "I will beat his ass real good a whole lot." In his spare time, which is plentiful because Heat is defunct, Charlie Haas is a wordsmith.
Rey Mysterio defeats Charlie Haas by Dropping the Dime. In the middle of the match, Hass puts on a wrestling mask to mock Rey. At least, I think he wants to mock Rey. On second thought, if I had to guess another reason for the mask, I would say that Haas wishes to confuse his wife Jackie Gayda. Without his mask, Jackie Gayda knows who he is. With his mask, Jackie Gayda has no clue. Jackie Gayda has the mind of an infant. She can decipher colours, but not shapes.
- LAX utilize the versatile grey curtain promo to send a Get Well Soon video to Shad and JTG of Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez encourage the audience to send in their videos, too. The Cryme Tyme is now.
Natalya defeats Melina with the Sharpshooter. Natalya refuses to release the hold, so Mickie James releases the submission for her. The ladies roll around and trade punches for a bit until Natalya uses their momentum to slap the Sharpshooter on Mickie. Sounds like a Friday night... at my place on television during a Monday night. In the hold, Mickie glares in pain at the SWE Women's Championship on the canvas.
- One minute prior to the main event, Regal and Burchill sneak attack Jerry Lawler at the top of the ramp. Katie Lea gets some shots in with her new scepter. Princesses prefer brawling over technical wrestling. John Cena sprints to the ring to even the score.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal and Paul Burchill bloody John Cena and Jerry Lawler for the win. Regal incapacitates Cena with multiple brass knuckle punches, then Burchill pins Lawler after a neckbreaker. As the bell sounds, Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea drag Cena's body over to the King of SWE. They smother his face onto Regal's boot. William cackles with delight. The three of them bow and curtsy to the adoring audience.
- In the final segment of the show, a shrouded figure addresses King William Regal with sledgehammer in hand. The familiar voice says, "The kingdom is about to crumble." Is that you, X-Factor-era X-Pac?

Current Feud Ratings:
Triple H vs. William Regal: 89%
CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy: 89%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 86%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 48%



- Human beings exist.

Television Results:

JULY 4, 2008

- Umaga wanders to the ring in search of the Undertaker. He holds up his Samoan thumb to the sky and screams. Over the speaker system, he hears the Undertaker’s druids chant a haunting song. The druids kissed a girl. And they liked it. Umaga stomps around ringside and finds a fan dressed like the Ministry version of the Undertaker. He stares at the man, then beats him senseless. Umaga doesn't care for the goths. Every time he passes Hot Topic, he shakes his head in disappointment.
The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov defeat Jesse and Festus with the Khali Bomb on the littler one. During the match, The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov debate about the next president of the United States. Khali claims that people respect John McCain as a leader and a person. Vladimir tells Khali that America needs change and Barack Obama is the man for the job. Those are both very good points, gentleman. Although, you're both wrong. Brooke Hogan will lead us for she is the one who knows best now.
- In a grey curtain interview, Jamie Noble calls for peace between himself, The Great Khali, and Vladimir Kozlov. While they come from different worlds, they are one in the same. Jamie is right, you know. If I burn my retinas with lava hot branding irons, the three of you kind of look alike in the facial region.
- London and Kendrick argue with Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang in the locker room. Because they are giant men, the gargantuan that is Funaki stands between the two teams. Somebody is on the horse steroids.
- Maria interviews Batista regarding rumours of a new member of the Smackdown roster. Batista admits that he could use new competition. Look, nobody wants to face you and your imaginary machine gun. In my closet, I have an imaginary bazooka, but you don't see me using it in a careless fashion. Stop wasting your imaginary machine gun bullets.
Big Show defeats Bam Neely via count out. At the beginning of the bout, Neely hesitates to enter the ring. As the referee counts to ten, Neely lumbers up the ramp and curses Show from afar. Bam Neely will fight when he wants to fight. The fans will see Bam Neely fight when they want to see Bam Nelly fight. Bam Neely doesn't want to fight. The fans don't want to see Bam Neely fight.
- Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter, also known as The Cobras, present their next instructional video. This time, they relay tips on self-defense. Ken Doane insists that when you are confronted by a thief, you must defend yourself by placing a female in front of you. If the thief tries to attack you with a blunt object, employing a helpless woman as a shield will protect yourself from brunt of the blow. Next, Johnny Jeter advises children on personal safety. If a strange man tries to lure you into his white van with a bag of candy, get a friend or younger sibling to obtain the candy for you. To cap off the segment, Doane and Jeter urge you to refrain from premarital relations. They could have told me sooner. Now I must return my "Premarital Relations" pennant.
- Backstage, Montel Vontavious Porter speaks with Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero. MVP wants Vickie to ban Shawn Michaels' Superkick because the move endangers all. He reminds her that the Superkick took out one of Smackdown's finest referees -- that guy with the hair. After serious consideration of Porter’s proposal, Vickie declares that starting tonight in Shawn's match against Chavo Guerrero, his Superkick will be banned. Why, lady? Sure, Shawn Michaels pays for his restaurant meals with Superkicks, but that's why the move is cool. The Superkick exchange rate is decent at worst.
Batista defeats a distraught Jamie Noble with the Batista Bomb. Noble is in no condition to wrestle. So, why did you wrestle him, Batista? You have little to no soul. Jamie Noble needs a friend. Say, since Khali and Kozlov won't be your chum, I will volunteer. Here, we can wear Buddy Bands to show our friendship. For only $3.95, our dance cards are full.
- With his HBK brand straw hat, Shawn Michaels marches down the backstage hallway and encounters an ecstatic MVP. With a smile on his Porterian face, MVP wishes Shawn the best of luck in his match tonight. While Porter shines his United States Championship belt, Shawn slaps him in the face. Watch out, Shawn. The Superslap may be banned next.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Shawn Michaels defeats Chavo Guerrero with a flying elbow drop from the top turnbuckle. Bam Neely enters the ring to protect his client, but Big Show walks down the ramp to chase him off.

JULY 11, 2008

- In Vickie Guerrero's general managing office, the team of London and Kendrick and Moore and Yang cannot stop arguing. Finally, Vickie shuts them up by announcing her plans for the SWE Tag Team Championship. In a best-of-seven series between the two teams, the team that can win four matches will win the belts. Pleased by the news, Paul London and Brian Kendrick perform a jig. Meanwhile, Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang do-si-do. Vickie stresses that she does not tolerate old-timey celebratory reactions in her office. Why not, Vickie? Your announcement is the cat's pyjamas.
- Hornswoggle and Finlay share a father-son moment in the hallway. Remember when I was a little person in a leprechaun costume and you were an Irish brawler without feeling in one of your legs, father? Good times, great memories. Hornswoggle's breaks his stride. He stares down at the enormous shadow in front of him. When he looks up, Umaga snarls. Finlay attempts to communicate to Umaga that they have no problem with him. The Samoan Bulldozer reacts to Finlay's civility with violent fisticuffs. Finlay welcomes the fight before various SWE offices break them up. Do you remember when you fought against the employed half of Three Minute Warning, father?
- Maria interviews SWE United States Champion MVP. She mistakenly names him the Most Valuable Primate. That primate sure can skateboard. Porter confirms that Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music is banned from the squared circle. Without Shawn's most effective weapon in his arsenal, Porter asks Maria what HBK has left. Maria does not have an answer because she is dead as a character on the inside.
Montel Vontavious Porter defeats a broken Jamie Noble with the Playmaker. Jamie Noble is not the Napoleonic wonder anymore. As Jamie stares up at the arena lights, The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov look on from a locker room monitor. Both men are wrought with guilt. Yes, the two of you should be sorry. Buddy Bands. Think about it.
- The Cobras come at you with another informative instructional video. Ken Doane teaches how television viewers can use household items as deadly weapons. Doane demonstrates this notion by throwing an entire couch at a couple of unsuspecting burglars. Outside the home, Johnny Jeter explains that items in the wilder can be an asset to a fighter. He shows this notion at work by building an entire couch out of wood, then throwing that couch at a couple of unsuspecting wilderness burglars. You will not steal this mound of peat moss. At the conclusion of the video, Doane and Jeter announce that they are coming to Smackdown in three weeks. In addition, they stress the importance of recycling. When karate masters turn in their empty bottles to the local depot, they receive five cents more than the average person. It pays to be green.
Jesse and Festus emerge victorious with a shocking roll-up win over a distracted Vladimir Kozlov and The Great Khali. Jamie Noble’s sad face haunts Khali and Kozlov’s dreams and nightmares. No loss is greater than the loss of a spunky Southern pal’s friendship.
- Chavo pleads with Vickie Guerrero to cancel Bam Neely's rematch against the Big Show. Vickie informs Chavo that she is a fair general manager. Therefore, the match will not be cancelled. With that said, Vickie tells them that neither Chavo nor Bam will be harmed. I knew it all along. Vickie Guerrero will cover Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely in helmets and bubble wrap.
- In the back, Big Show exercises his hand for a chokeslamming. Put a few slivers of low fat butter on those skillets.
- Edge arrives at the arena. Edge is an hour and a half late to the show. Plus, he has no last name. I do not trust him two times over.
The Big Show defeats Bam Neely with the Chokeslam. At ringside, Chavo cheers on his bodyguard, but Show scares the Mexican Warrior off with his skillet hand. Do not raise your skillet hand to Chavo. Do not disturb this happy home. Chavo did not fall face first on a doorknob. Don't lie. Be a gentleman. As the ref counts to three, Edge slides into the ring, goes for the Spear, and bounces off of Show’s body. A surprised Edge crawls back to the ramp. In this case, Edge has learned that large people are large.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga demolishes Finlay with the Samoan Spike. To defend his father, Hornswoggle leaps from the top turnbuckle, only for Umaga to Samoan Spike him in the throat as well. Eight more Samoan Spikes to the Irish community and Umaga will receive a lifetime supply of potatoes. In the middle of the ring, Umaga triumphantly holds out his thumb. Without warning, the arena suffers a blackout. When the lights return, an urn sits in the corner. Umaga stares at the urn, then picks it up. He places the urn to his ear and shakes it. Silly, Umaga. Undertaker can't fit in that urn. Maybe Michelle McCool's bony self can, but believe you me. No Deadman.

JULY 18, 2008

- Vickie Guerrero gathers up La Familia and treats them to an encouraging speech. Due to the size difference, Edge doesn't think he should or needs to take on the Big Show. Vickie stresses that the Big Show is bald. Hair often factors into a person’s estimated height, so Big Show is not as big as Edge believes him to be. Edge is somewhat pleased.
In a warm-up for their upcoming series of matches with Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang, London and Kendrick barely survive with a flash pinfall over The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov. A sad Jamie Noble emerges from the back to watch the match. At the top of the entranceway, he sits on a chair in a dejected state. Despite their outer toughness, Khali and Kozlov cannot help but feel sorry for the lovable scamp. He is a like a domestic dog with a human parts for canine parts. The constant distraction allows Paul London and Brian Kendrick to flip their way to victory. Flipping makes things better. Ask pancakes or dolphins.
- In the locker room, Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang react to the match. What? The match is done. They have horrible reaction time.
- In The Cobras' final instructional video, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter discuss experimental methods to increase your self-confidence. Doane informs viewers that they will feel about themselves by sucker punching somebody weaker than them. During this segment, Doane suggests that an elderly person on a respirator might do the trick. Johnny Jeter chimes in to state that viewers should try new things, such as sparring in the dark with a grizzly bear. I forget the last time that I sparred with a bear, let alone one in grizzly form. Doane and Jeter introduce their motto: “To be a Cobra, you must fight like a cobra, think like a cobra, and love like a cobra.” Check, check, check. Before they bid farewell, The Cobras claim that reading is essential. If you want to love like a cobra, reading is key.
Batista defeats Gregory Helms with the Batista Bomb. Without fail, Helms' frail neck was unable to support his head. This predicament made his head move like that toy flower with sunglasses that dances to your chosen music.
- Batista stares at the big high-definition Titantron above the entranceway. The screen plays a mysterious, epileptic hype video. Who could this be? The strobes, the strobes. I don't know where I am. My brain is melting.
- In front of the grey curtain, Shawn Michaels sends a message to Montel Vontavious Porter. He may not have Sweet Chin Music, but he still has his fists. No kidding, Shawn. I don't have my fists anymore, yet I have two Sweet Chin Musics for hands. Michaels tells Porter that he will see him at the Pay-Per-View.
Shawn Michaels and the Big Show defeat Chavo Guerrero and Edge when Show Chokeslams Chavo onto Edge. One of the best weapons available to modern man is not a weapon at all. The best weapon is a man who can regenerate his hair.
- Backstage, The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov engage in a heated discussion. Khali tells Kozlov that Noble is a stand-up guy who deserves their friendship. Kozlov refutes Khali's opinion and doubts Jamie Noble's good nature. Come on, already. Noble used to have a cousin in Nunzio, but then he didn't. Noble can't even hold on to his family members. Why must you punish him further?
MATCH 4: Main Event
In a rematch from last week, Umaga defeats Finlay with the Samoan Drop. Seconds before the starting bell, Umaga sits the urn in the corner of the ring. While he is distracted by the object for the whole main event, Umaga has no trouble beating the battered Irish brawler.
- Umaga cannot bottle his Samoan rage anymore. With the urn in his hands, he tries to break it. Before he can do so, Undertaker's theme plays. Umaga throws the urn to the canvas and circles the ring in search of the Deadman. When he returns to the center, an Undertaker-y hand breaks through the canvas and grabs Umaga by the leg. With the might of one undead living zombie thing, the hand pulls Umaga into the grimy depths of the wrestling ring underworld, which is appromixately three feet tall in height. What a tiny underworld. I've seen better. Am I correct, Kansas?

JULY 25, 2008

- Vickie Guerrero informs La Familia that one member must wrestle the Big Show to soften the big man up for Edge at the Pay-Per-View. The R Rated Superstar himself shows his smarts by claiming that he just ate a large sandwich and cannot wrestle or swim tonight because he is still full. Bam Neely reminds the group that his name rhymes with NHL hockey legend Cam Neely of the Boston Bruins, so he is automatically exempt from competing. Since Hawkins and Ryder were majorly released from SWE, Chavo Guerrero is the only man left. Out of all members of La Familia, Chavo Guerrero resembles the Pringles guy the best.
The Big Show defeats Chavo Guerrero with the Chokeslam. With great determination, Chavo tries to hoist Big Show up for the Three Amigos, but cannot do so because he is small. Furthermore, his resemblance to the Pringles guy may have something to do with his lack of strength. After the match, Edge walks out to confront Show. As Show invites Edge into the ring, Edge passes on the invitation. His sandwich had too much turkey.
- Maria interviews Jamie Noble. He apologizes to The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov and promises that he will never bother them again. With a slow shuffle of his feet, he walks away, head low to the ground. Somebody take this boy to McDonald's. Get him a Happy Meal. This month is Hot Wheels month.
- Batista hangs around the locker room and discovers an Evolution t-shirt on the floor. How did he do that? Batista's gigantic arm veins have taken him back to the year 2004. This line in the sand is sandy.
- MVP, the SWE United States Champion, shows up backstage to sign autographs for his adoring backstage fans. He announces to the crowd that he plans to take out Shawn Michaels tonight before he takes him out at the Pay-Per-View. Montel Vontavious Porter is the highest paid superstar on the Smackdown roster because professional wrestling makes zero sense.
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov via Jamie Noble-related guilt. Towards the finish, The Great Khali leaves the ring to check on Noble. Kozlov watches Khali head to the back. The momentary attraction lets Yang comes off the top turnbuckle with the Moonsault Press. Noble wants apple splices rather than French fries, Khali.
- In anticipation for Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter’s tag team debut, SWE treats its loyal viewers to The Cobras' entrance video. Doane and Jeter chop, kick, and thrust baddies to a knockoff version of Joe Esposito's "You're The Best Around." The theme is called "You're Pretty Good Against Men Without Limbs." Cheers.
- A disoriented Umaga staggers to the ring for his match. Umaga stares at his hands. In his mind, he wants to know whether his fingers are actual fingers or sausages. He cannot tell because he is woozy.
Umaga defeats Funaki with the Samoan Spike. The Samoan Bulldozer stumbles through power moves and almost gets pinned by a roll-up. Maybe his fingers aren't sausages. Maybe they are miniature villagers with fingernails for faces. Umaga will be right back. He has to listen to The Dark Side of the Moon backwards.
- In a special cemetery promo, the Undertaker urges the Samoan Bulldozer to rest in peace. Don't worry. The grey curtain found its way to the cemetery. The Undertaker gives quality directions.
MATCH 4: Main Event
In a short match, Montel Vontavious Porter and Shawn Michaels fight to a double count out at ringside. Unable to use the Superkick, Shawn chooses to Average Kick Porter in the groin. Smackdown officials intervene to separate the two. Their involvement allows Montel to crawl away with United States Title in hand.

Current Feud Ratings:
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 87%
MVP vs. Shawn Michaels: 85%
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore: 59%



- Colin Delaney is in pain again.

Why, Colin, why? I bet the faint whisper of a bee broke your arm. I wish I had the option to suspend Colin Delaney for six months. His suspension would be highly unjust, but highly rewarding.

Television Results:

JULY 1, 2008

- Disco Inferno, the Extreme Championship Wrestling General Manager, introduces the new champion. As Samoa Joe walks down the ramp, Disco dances to music under the shine of the extreme mirror ball. In the ring, Samoa Joe waits for Disco to stop dancing. Eventually, Joe gets Disco to cut the music by threatening him with some jazz. He acquires an upright bass to the fans' amazement. Of course, Disco sprints out of the ring. I may be afraid of heights, but jazz music makes me mess my pantaloons in fright. Samoa Joe calls himself "The Samoan Submission Machine" to a brand new audience. While most wrestling fans understand the name, others believe that he is an actual machine. One fan attempts to submit some of his hard earned money into Joe. He puts a dollar in Joe's mouth for a bag of Fritos. When that fan does not receive the bag, Joe kills him. From the back, John Morrison and The Miz appear to run down the champion. The Miz challenges Joe to a match for the title later tonight. Joe accepts, then coughs up a bag of Fritos to eat. You sly fox, you.
Matt Sydal defeats Big Daddy V and Matt Striker with Kelly Kelly’s assistance. For the first half of the match, V manhandles Sydal with power moves. As Big Daddy V looks to finish Striker off with a splash in the middle of the ring, Kelly Kelly jogs to ringside. When V tries to bounce off the rope, Kelly pulls the top rope down and lets him crash down to the floor. Next, Striker goes after Kelly, but she ends up kicking him in the crotch. The last thing we need is to allow Striker's bulge to get more bulgy. Once Sydal connects with the Shooting Star Press and pins Striker, he leaves the ring before Big Daddy V can get to him. Together, Sydal and Kelly head backstage. The new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue cannot be made without them.
- On his Disco Phone, Disco Inferno brags about his newest acquisition. In the history of general managers, Disco is the most general.
In a battle of the big men, Kane defeats Mike Knox with the Chokeslam and proves to be the bigger man. In my opinion, defeating Mike Knox does not make you that much of a big man. If anything, defeating Mike Knox makes you more feminine. After Kane's tenth defeat of Mike Knox, he will start watching Showtime. Also, he will choose pink electronics over black.
- With the extreme grey curtain behind him, AJ Styles claims that he will become the ECW Champion more sooner than later. What AJ does not know is that wrestlers who desire to become ECW Champions more sooner than later are rather popular with the gay community.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Samoa retains the ECW Championship by destroying The Miz. Throughout the match, The Miz asks for John Morrison's assistance. Morrison tries to help The Miz by handing him a few Fritos from Joe's chip bag, but The Miz refuses. If you don't want yourself some salted corn chips, you deserve to lose. With the belt over his shoulder, Joe walks around the ring with a confident swagger.

JULY 8, 2008

- In the ring, Disco Inferno announces to the public that the newest member of the roster will debut tonight. For his second order of business, Disco calls out the ECW Champion. Once Samoa Joe shows up, Disco informs him that the new ECW acquisition will be his tag partner in the main event. Joe tells Disco that he does not need a tag partner. In response, Disco informs Joe that he has two choices: have a tag partner or disco dance for the masses. Samoa Joe decides to welcome his tag partner with open arms. Aw, nuts and or bolts. In my dreams and yours, Samoa Joe is an elegant dancing queen.
- Big Daddy V and Matt Striker bow down to the Pope Todd Grisham before they berate Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly. Big Daddy V curses them and their All-American good looks. V desires hip clothing. He wants to model boxer shorts near a lake with five other half-naked men. No fair.
AJ Styles defeats Elijah Burke with the Styles Clash. For those of you who have never seen the Styles Clash, AJ Styles performs the move by hanging his opponent upside down, hooking his opponents' arms around his own legs, walking like a constipated crab for an hour, then falling forward. What he doesn't know is that the Styles Clash is rather popular with the gay community.
In the epic rematch, Kane defeats Mike Knox for the second time in a row. At the bout’s conclusion, The Boogeyman shows up to cover Knox in worms. He makes brief eye contact with Kane before disappearing into the night. If The Boogeyman and Kane become tag team partners, nobody loses. Together, this team will give nonstop gifts like a forgetful Santa Claus.
- Backstage, The Miz asks John Morrison if he has his back. While he is reluctant to answer, John assures Miz that he supports him. John Morrison sports the Rachel Green haircut. He doesn't need to have anyone's back.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Samoa Joe and Jeff Hardy defeat John Morrison and The Miz with Hardy's Swanton Bomb on Miz. While Samoa Joe awaits his partner's arrival at the beginning of the match, Morrison and Miz take advantage to attack the champion with their photogenic fists. With the odds against Joe, Jeff makes his ECW debut and saves Joe from the extended beating. At show’s end, Jeff tries to help Joe up, but Samoan Joseph shoves him away. This is no way to treat a warrior with rainbow hair. You must treat Jeff Hardy with respect. The Warrior's Way is that of Roy G. Biv.

You think you should be higher up the card, Miz? I think monkeys dressed in business casual attire can make informative PowerPoint presentations about new media in our ever-changing world. We think many stupid things.

JULY 15, 2008

- In the first segment, Samoa Joe confronts Jeff Hardy. Joe says that he doesn't need or want any help for he will be the ECW Champion for a long, long time. Jeff Hardy replies that he did not come to ECW to help anyone. When Joe inquires about his true desires, Jeff stares at the title. I know what Jeff wants. He wants to face Mike Knox. Everybody does.
Matt Sydal defeats Shelton Benjamin with the Shooting Star Press. In case the rule is true for professional wrestling, I made a wish upon sight of that shooting star. I wished that Big Daddy V would stop pestering Sydal and Kelly. Despite what V thinks, he does have beauty on the inside. On the other hand, since I can't see V's insides, he is ugly.
-While Sydal and Kelly walk up the ramp, Big Daddy V and Matt Striker greet them via grey curtain promo on the Titantron. They warn Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly of their ultimate doom. Shooting Star Press wishes are faulty.
AJ Styles defeats James Curtis because nobody knows James Curtis. Prior to the match, AJ Styles attempted to find out information on James Curtis through the internet, but the internet exploded when Styles typed his name into Google. Lack of knowledge about James Curtis is rampant in the gay community. Inform yourself on that one, AJ.
- Backstage, The Boogeyman offers Kane some worms. You are working for a lost cause. Big Red Machines are fruitarians.
MATCH 3: Main Event
With the assistance of Samoa Joe's Muscle Buster, Jeff Hardy defeats John Morrison. This time, The Miz decides not to help young Morrison. Is this the Real World? Is this just fantasy? Samoa Joe raises Hardy's arm in victory, only for Hardy to his hand away from the man. Joe and Jeff engage in a face-to-face standoff. I enjoy standoffs because the visual of two furious dudes in close proximity to one another is amusing. Will they or won't they get it on? Tune in next week for details.

JULY 22, 2008

- Disco Inferno requests the company of one Jeff Hardy. The fans dig Jeffrey's grand entrance and rock on with their hole-infested arm sleeves. Unfortunately, they do not react to AJ Styles' sudden appearance well. Styles asks Disco for a rematch against Samoa Joe. He is taken aback when Disco informs him that he must win tonight's match to gain a shot at the ECW Champion. To his surprise, Jeff Hardy will be AJ's opponent. To the victor goes the gay community.
The Boogeyman and Kane defeat Mike Knox and James Curtis. The fans react to James Curtis by saying, "Who?" Their reaction confuses Boogey and Kane. For a moment, they think that an owl is talking to them. As a tandem, Mike Knox and James Curtis should be known as "The New Megapowers."
The Miz defeats Stevie Richards to feel good about himself. If I lived as a magnet that attracts baby chickens, I would always feel good about myself.
- All by her lonesome, Big Daddy V and Matt Striker corner Kelly Kelly. V grabs her by the hair and drags her down the ramp. Just as Big Daddy V is about to hit Kelly with Matt Striker's scholarly ruler, Matt Sydal leaps from the top turnbuckle and bashes him over the head with a steel chair. Sydal and Kelly use their All-American quickness to flee. They are safe to model fitted jeans on a black-and-white ranch for another day.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles fight to a no contest draw when Samoa Joe arrives and interrupts the match. As Joe pummels Jeff Hardy, Styles shoves the Champion, which initiates a fight between the two.
- Disco Inferno flicks the arena lights off and on to stop them from fighting. Since a number one contender has not been decided, Joe must defend his ECW Championship against Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles. How convenient. This match involves sacrificial, glorious road justice.

Current Feud Ratings:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 87%


SWE Ching-A-Ling Equipped with Much Ding-A-Ling Pay-Per-View Results

William Regal defeats John Cena after reversing an F-U attempt into the Regal Stretch. During Regal’s post-match celebration, Triple H stomps to the ring, strikes King Regal in the gut with a sledgehammer, and holds him in the Pedigree position. Before Hunter is able to hook Regal's arms, Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea pull Regal out of the ring.

In a brawl fest, Umaga defeats the Undertaker with the Samoan Spike. Umaga holds the title in his mouth and takes Undertaker's urn with him. Jeannie is not in that urn. In terms of classic television trivia, you are mistaken.

Montel Vontavious Porter turns the proverbial tables and defeats the Heartbreak Kid with the Superkick. At first, MVP goes for his trademark running kick in the corner, but stops in his tracks to pull off Shawn's finisher. Porter leaves the ring triumphant. You sure can lift your foot high.

Cryme Tyme surprise LAX to win the titles when JTG bends his crutches over the Latin American grills of Homicide and Hernandez. Shad and JTG limp away from the ring before LAX can catch them.

In this match, Samoa Joe takes advantage of the triple threat rules. When it seems as though Jeff Hardy has the title won after a Swanton Bomb on Styles, Samoa Joe interferes. He connects with the Muscle Buster on Jeffrey, then pins AJ himself. Are you triple threatening me, Joe?

Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang win the first match via stereo moonsaults on London and Kendrick. With the team of Moore and Yang up one to nothing, London and Kendrick are down nothing to one. This is how counting works.

Chris Jericho defeats Rey Mysterio with the Triple Powerbomb. Yes, the Triple Powerbomb. Did you know that they have these things called pagers now? When a caller wants you to phone him or her back, the pager beeps. That's wild. The Triple Powerbomb takes me back. You're the man, Mr. Hughes.

Edge defeats Big Show with an assisted Edgecution from the middle rope. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment resembles an oldies radio station with these classic hits. Next, SWE will sign Christian's puffy shirt to a multi-million dollar deal.



Can Triple H dethrone King Regal? Who is the newest member of Friday Night Smackdown? What can't Big Daddy V let Sydal and Kelly model swimwear under a waterfall in peace? All these questions and more will either be answered or further questioned in the next installment of The Booker.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 46th

John Cena vs. Limousine

You can't help but ride me before you graduate
Can't help but wear corsages and cummerbunds in this one
Uh-huh, yeah

Excuse me for a second while the driver opens the door
This isn't his first gig, he's driven kids to proms before, yeah
Don't mind the driver's silence, he just thinks you're a bore
You think you're all cool cause you're dressed as a classy whore, uh-huh
Before he leaves the curb, your parents better take another group photo
Leave the ugly friend to the side who has to attend solo
This moment is one that's made to be on the mantle
Next to your perfect attendance certificate, this moment holds no candle

Today you're glamorous, you must be a princess
Tomorrow you'll be pregnant, Maury can I get a witness?
This one is for John C. and his motor vehicle brutality
You can't see me run you over in an dark, deserted street
Right now, I'm about to roll to the swank party
I think I saw your biggest fan on the way, he failed to get his GED
Call the cops, you better tell them that I'm looking for the kill
If I don't waste you, John, a stretch Hummer will

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Oh, book what you've done. You've made a fool of everyone.


The world will look up and shout, "Save us," and I will whisper... "No."

The Sad World

Before I present this week's piece, let me tell you a little story. Now that I think about it, perhaps this story is not as little as it seems. You see, I take pride in my work. As much as I am an entertainer, I am an informative teller of brutal, hard-hitting facts. In the professional wrestling industry, I weed through the milk chocolate lies in order to get to the creamy nougat truth. At the end of day, I take a celebratory bite from that scrumptious bar of honesty with the knowledge that I making the wrestling world a better place. Due to my tireless effort to discover the truth, some people claim that I am the Murder and Scully of professional wrestling analysis. Also like Murder and Scully, the sexual tension between myself and I is quite apparent yet never addressed, but that is another tale for another time.

In my most recent search for truth, I risked my life to answer the biggest wrestling question of all. With nothing but the clothes on my sexy back, I engaged in battle against Mother Nature's deadliest obstacles. I ran through frozen tundra without shoes. I wore a suit made out of bacon for some reason and swung from brittle vine to vine over crocodile-infested swamps. Finally, I crawled over dry desert hills as the hot sand burnt my sculptured, statuesque body. A curse on the man who invented the sun. Two curses on the man who made the sun hot. You have scarred twelve of my twenty-four abdominal muscles.

As I prepared my charred self for a possible desert burial, a massive mountain appeared in the distance as a beacon of hope, a signal of life. With newfound strength, I pulled myself through the blistering sands towards that very mountain. Inch by inch, I climbed the steep, jagged face to the summit. At the top, I gasped for air and cursed the skies with a furious shake of my fists. "Why must I ascend this mountain? I am not going for a world record. I am not in a vacation commercial to promote the rugged lands of Arizona," I said.

After I yelled and screamed at the clouds above, I felt the ground rumble beneath me. When I attempted to scramble from the summit, the ground split into two. Up from the soil emerged a behemoth man with a glowing staff in his mighty hand. He looked down upon me, stroked his lengthy white beard, then pointed his narrow finger in my direction.

"Who goes there? Who disturbs the sleep of Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing?" he said, with a booming voice that echoed throughout the plains.

With a frightened stutter in my voice, I said, "Sup? What's crackalacking, good sir?"

"What is it that you desire? Say it now or let the lone desert wolves devour your shivering tongue."

I was not sure what to do next. Do I ask him the question? Do I compliment his hair or something? Do I bargain with the wolves to keep my tongue? I need my tongue for later. As I tried to figure out my next move, the God of All Knowing made the decision for me.

"I know all. So, I know what you wish. Do not waste the time of Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. Ask your question and you shall receive your answer."

I pushed my exhausted body off the ground. Despite significant pain, I stood tall and made eye contact with the God of All Knowing. His eyes shined rays of sparkling gold on the dusty surface below.

"God of All Knowing; I present to you a great query -- why is Jim Duggan so sad? Sure, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes were mean to him, but not that mean. I am afraid. I cannot stand the sadness in his eyes. Tell me why he is so."

The God of All Knowing massaged his mighty temple and said, "This man you speak of must be sad. He must never be happy again."

"Why? Why must you put him through such hardship?"

With a gentle sigh, he said, "This man you speak of must be sad. His cascading tears power my cellular phone. I have infinite evening minutes. I strive to use every single one. I am the Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. It has been done."

In reply, I scratched my head with a confused expression. I said, "Hold the cellular phone with infinite evening minutes for a second. You power your phone with a grown man's eye water? Where did you buy that phone anyway?"

After a depressed sigh, the God of Knowledge said, "Silence! You will not speak ill of my mobile communication decisions. Take a gander at the topographical features of this land. Does this mountain look like an ideal place for an Apple store to you? I do not think so. I will work with what I have, thank you very much. I am Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. Pandlordor out."

As he attempted to sink back into the earth, I kicked his glowing staff right out of his hand. When the staff fell and broken into shards, the God of All Knowing slammed his fists to the ground in anger. I was frightened, but refused to back down.

"So, you're just going to stand there and let Jim Duggan be sad? By the way, have you ever heard of a cell phone charger? And you call yourself the God of All Knowing."

Without hesitation, the God of All Knowing guffawed at my comment.

"You slay me, mere mortal. Uh yes, I do call myself the God of All Knowing. Do you have a problem with that? What are you going to do about it, home slice?

I clenched my fist and wagged my finger back at him. No, I did not think so, girlfriendly God.

"From this day forward, I vow that Jim Duggan will never be sad again. If it takes me my entire life to make him happy, so be it. Say goodbye to your precious evening minutes, Foolmaster General."

My Solutions for a Happier "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

1. For Hacksaw, I will stage a hand shadow puppet show in which I will recreate historic moments from his memorable World Championship Wrestling run as an American member of Lance Storm's Team Canada. Due to my amazing shadow puppet skills, we will have to pretend that the entire team was composed of a bunny rabbit, a bird in flight, a barking dog in flight, and an Elix Skipper in flight. Remember the day when the barking dog in flight won the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title? That was a day, alright.

2. Since Duggan is a connoisseur of the finest arts, I will change the depressing ending to William Shakespeare's Hamlet to a happier one. In my version of the play, the characters do not succumb to an unfortunate, bloody end; rather, King Hamlet revives himself and buys a Nintendo 64 for everyone. Hamlet and Claudius will play GoldenEye for eight hours straight.

3. I will cover the entire planet in gymnasiums. If you do not wear gym shorts like Jim Duggan, you will be unable run pointless laps around the gym while an alcoholic gym teacher sits on the sidelines, holding a coffee pot in one hand while he shoves the other hand down his pants.

4. This Halloween, I will volunteer to be the back end of a two-man horse costume. Together, Hacksaw and I will win the Triple Crown, promote Budweiser, and capture Troy.

5. I will whip up a batch of my world famous cookies. I will let Jim Duggan add important ingredients like chocolate chips, M&Ms, and shame. When the batter is ready, he will get to lick the bowl and the spoon. Lucky.

6. For Jim, I will carry around a 2x4 as well. When we appear in public, we will look like two confused, shirtless construction workers without a site to construct. "Have you seen that place with a lot of hammers and nails that have yet to be hammered? You haven't? Oh well. Let's keep looking, Hacksaw."

7. To show my sweet liberty love for the United States of America, I will take a curling iron to the American flag to make it more wavy, luscious, and manageable. Why? Because she's worth it. Am I right, ladies?

8. To sympathize with Hacksaw, I will learn to live as a hacksaw. I will turn myself into a fine-toothed blade, then cut down various metals and bones. Goodbye, good night, and good luck, family and friends. I am off to do the Lord's work -- cutting a bunch of stuff with sharp things.

9. To honour Duggan's victory in the first ever Royal Rumble match in World Wrestling Federation and Entertainment history, I will throw 28 royal family members from England up and over the top rope. Because I can only throw 28 royal family members from England up and over the top rope, I will have to defeat Queen Elizabeth II via submission.

10. I will buy Jim Duggan a bottle of Castrol GTX. I want Hacksaw to stop sludge in its tracks with superior sludge protection. If he tries to stop sludge in its tracks with inferior sludge protection, we will relive the Great Depression.

11. I will have a word with Ted DiBiase Sr. concerning the questionable behaviour of one Ted DiBiase Jr. Once Ted Senior learns about his son's deplorable actions, he will immediately take away his Randy Orton haircut and face privileges. Dagnabbit, Ted Jr. Look like a man who hires an African-American servant for a change. Right now, you look like man who hires an Puerto Rican pool boy.

12. To modernize Jim Duggan for this millennium and many millennia to come, I will make him transform his "Hooooooo!" chant to one that is both accurate and politically correct. Get ready wrestling fans. Clear your throat, sip a glass of water, then clear your throat again. In a few weeks, let the "Professional Promiscuous Cohabitant of a Rather Sexual Persuasion in the Hours Pertaining to Moonlight!" chants begin.

13. I will clear up Cody Rhodes' suggested retail price. Going into the holiday season, Cody Rhodes will not be as priceless as Ted DiBiase Jr. He will $56.99, not including taxes. Of course, consumers will find a more affordable price at Wal-Mart. They've got it all.

14. I will take all young, arrogant newcomers in the professional wrestling business to the Old School. At that Old School, they will learn that hand-pulled taffy is more delicious than machine-pulled taffy. In addition, they will discover that the world is flat and entirely Caucasian. Other lessons will teach students that women cannot vote because they are not human and if you encounter a howling dog in the spring, your next baby will become a three-headed, fire-breathing witch.

15. Inside sources tell me that Jim Duggan is not a fan of vowels. With this knowledge in mind, I will single-handedly alter the English language writing system to make U, S, A, and Y the only vowels in the alphabet. Why can't I get rid of Y, you ask? As the greatest professional wrestling analyst alive today, I may have power, but I'm not that powerful. I'm not a scientist. I don’t know how to read. Give me a break.

16. In the park, I will blow bubbles. Then, I will challenge Jim Duggan to catch them. This is what tough guys do when they're not racing cars or wearing each other’s pants.

17. With my guidance, Hacksaw will make a list of everyone and everything that makes him sad. Once he is finished with that list, we will visit dark alleys and fight malnutritioned hobos for their discarded sandwich halves with broken plastic forks. You don't even like egg salad, No Briefs Chauncy.

18. For one night only, I will cook Jim Duggan breakfast food for dinner. While I'm not positive that Hacksaw enjoys the breakfast foods that I enjoy, I am optimistic. I hope you like eating a cold Denny's Grand Slam, served to you on a naked lady who really needs the money.

19. I will let Jim Duggan soak in my bathtub while he listens to his favourite tunes. Since I don't have a stereo system, I will be forced to sit at the other end of the tub, sing James Blunt songs, and shower Duggan with strawberry-scented bath salts.

20. I will hide my face behind my hands. When Jim Duggan appears confused, I will reveal my face behind my hands. The surprise will make him giggle. For the second time, I will hide my face behind my hands. When Jim Duggan gets scared, I will reveal my face behind my hands. The surprise will make him applaud with delight. I will repeat this trick until the end of time.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 45th

The Littlest Hobo vs. Chris Jericho

There's a man who keeps on hurting my eye
In the ring is where I'll take him by surprise

Every match I accept, I plan to do my best
Can't wrestle for long because I'm a friggin' dog, unlike the rest

Maybe tomorrow, I'll hang my collar up
Until tomorrow, I'm a nomadic, wrestling pup

So if you wanna be my partner for a while
Just grab a foe, Superkick him with your hind leg
That's doggy hobo style

Maybe tomorrow, I'll hang my collar up
Until tomorrow, I'm a nomadic, wrestling pup

The Question:
Who wins and how?



JBL is not poopy. He has a charming, earthy fragrance.


The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.


To my utter disbelief, WWE continues to make millions of dollars through merchandising, show revenues, and DVD sales. Although they have an impressive cast of athletically gifted performers, I find it difficult to cheer on these supposed larger-than-life males and females. Each time I tune in on Mondays, Tuesdays, and early Saturday mornings (I spend Friday nights with my homies at the water park), I do not see a roster of unique personalities. To me, WWE consists of a dull hodgepodge of ordinary characters with ordinary names and ordinary costumes. While exceptions to the unofficial rule do exist, I do not think much of that rule. I am well aware that the entertaining days of The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ric Flair, the New World Order, and Jerry Flynn are done, but that does not mean that gimmicks must become extinct, too.

The people of Stamford, Connecticut fail to realize that gimmicks still have meaning in today's industry. Look no further than ECW to observe their faulty thought process. World Wrestling Entertainment presents former TNA wrestler Chris Harris to the public and brands him with the super amazing name of Braden Walker. As the average fan, am I supposed to care about somebody named Braden Walker? "Wow, that guy's first name is Braden? I adore him already. Please give him my next forty paychecks." In my opinion, that name doesn't even sound real. The only Bradens I know come from the mean streets of Orange County. I'm not sure what the WWE creative and marketing teams are smoking and or toking, but names like Braden Walker, Colin Delaney, and Ricky Ortiz mean nothing to me without a strong gimmick to back up them up.

When I refer to the wrestling gimmick, I'm not talking about outlandish personalities that one cannot take seriously. Even though my dream WWE main event scene would consist of an underwater farmer named Mortimer P. Winterbean, a cowboy horticulturalist named Jethro Pennyfeather, and a futurist clown named Omar 5000, my realistic version of World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite different. I don't believe I'm asking for the stars and the moon in the sky when I express my desire to see intriguing, relatable characters on my television screen. As for you, the wrestling enthusiast who pays good money to a company that cannot succeed without your dollars, you should expect no less either. If you care enough about the product, send your e-letters and paper letters written on Val Venis stationery to WWE Headquarters and voice your concern and frustration with the company's lack of gimmicks. Tell them that Braden Walker is like a butter knife to a steel skyscraper -- it will simply not cut it.

Before my tirade sparks the third, fourth, and fifth world wars, I wish to present a gift to World Wrestling Entertainment. Unlike Vince McMahon, I pay attention to the pop culture landscape, at least past the year 500 B.C. As I take an inquisitive glance at this culture, I see numerous characters and personalities that can work in professional wrestling. This week, The Swerved calls upon WWE to utilize these gimmick suggestions. While I do not want them to rip these gimmicks off completely, I hope they can find in their sheltered hearts to borrow certain aspects from these personas to make their programming better. Will they do it? Not likely.

Daniel Plainview - There Will Be Blood

From the motion picture epic See No Evil to the mega motion picture epic known as The Marine, World Wrestling Entertainment has stuck to the belief that you can’t get enough of horrible movies. On the other hand, The Swerved treats you with respect. For you, I would put my trench coat over a puddle so you would not have to step your high heel in said puddle. Do you see how respectful I am, Guy Who Wears Lady’s Shoes? The Swerved is aware that you don't watch movies by WWE Films for entertainment purposes. You watch WWE flicks because you have nothing better to do with your time. Well, for the benefit of your collective sanity, I challenge WWE to adapt a character from a film that has actually won Academy Awards. Last year, director, writer, and producer Paul Thomas Anderson made There Will Be Blood, a movie about a ruthless oil man who does whatever it takes to gain power and wealth in the early 20th century. The protagonist is Daniel Plainview, a character played by Daniel Day Lewis, an actor who you may have seen in infinitely better movies than The Condemned. If WWE cannot create a character as dynamic as Daniel Plainview, they might as well steal the concept of him.

For those of you who detest spoiler alerts, wander over to the corner and play with your building blocks for a few minutes because this paragraph is a spoiler within a spoiler making love to another spoiler to produce a new generation of spoilers. At the beginning of There Will Be Blood, Plainview adopts the son of a oil killed in a well disaster. As Plainview gains success in the oil industry, he utilizes his adopted son as a bargaining chip to present himself as a family man who aspires to support himself and son through a family business. When his adopted son becomes an expendable resource, he abandons him without much thought. Later in the film, a gentleman who claims to be the long lost half-brother of Daniel becomes his new business partner. When Daniel believes that the supposed half-brother is not the man he claims to be, Daniel shoots him in the head and buries him in the dirt. In the end, There Will Be Blood is a feel-good family romp that little kids should deem a classic. Move over, Cinderella. Daniel Plainview is the belle of this ball.

What's so interesting about There Will Be Blood, you ask? Daniel Plainview is a man who gives up everything for virtually nothing. At first, he has a family, a successful career, and a happy life. By the film‘s conclusion, he is a lonely murderer in an empty mansion. Some might say that Vince McMahon is the professional wrestling equivalent to Daniel Plainview. After all, Vince is greedy and ruthless as well. Though I would agree with that idea to an extent, Vince McMahon is a private man, recovering in a random hospital at the moment. Don't you remember? Right now, he doesn't count. Plus, Vince McMahon doesn't wear early 20th century clothes. He doesn't sport a prominent, bushy moustache like Daniel. He doesn't wear a flat-brimmed hat. And finally, he doesn’t speak in a turn-of-the-century accent. Put a Daniel Plainview in WWE and you will have fans drinking milk-related beverages that do not belong to them in no time. I’m finished.

Dr. Gregory House, M.D. - House

At its worst, the wrestling industry is a grimy cesspool of the world's most sketchy individuals. Everywhere you turn, a fellow wrestler who claims to be your friend can stab you in the back, snatching your spot out from under you without remorse. Furthermore, wrestling promoters are a terrible breed of scheming, smelly cheapskates who would rather lose their two kidneys than pay their talent what they deserve. Since professional wrestling can be so cutthroat, I think it might be best for a professional wrestler to reflect the industry's often uncaring nature. From what I can gather from the current scene, wrestling needs a troubled, bitter curmudgeon who helps others, yet is unable to help himself. In other words, wrestling needs Dr. Gregory House.

If I could take the super men of WWE, put them in a rocket, and send them to space, I would. I understand why the lovely ladies and the little children love John Cena, but why should I? In a nutshell, John Cena is invincible. He has no flaws. If he does have a flaw, his flaw is that he is too invincible. What kind of human being is flawless? Do you know one? The company chooses to place John Cena on a superstar pedestal, which is all fine like wine, at least until I ponder what specific character traits make his persona so endearing. Whenever I watch Hugh Laurie as Gregory House on the FOX hit medical drama, I can't help but wish that I could see such a character on WWE programming.

House is a genius doctor who solves mystery illnesses in the unorthodox style of Sherlock Holmes. How does that character fit into professional wrestling? Besides his superhuman problem solving skills, Gregory House is a vulnerable shell of a man who avoids life's biggest conundrums with drugs, drugs, and more drugs. Due to chronic pain in his leg, House must use a cane. Despite the amount knowledge in his head, he lacks social knowledge. He states that he does not need others, but he's just like you and I -- he wants to love, he wants to be loved. You know you want that connection. Sure, you want to act tough and all with your mesh t-shirt, but sometimes, you dig the loving embrace of another dude. Come on. I can see it in your dead eyeballs. You crave that man-next-to-man action.

If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires a cane to function, they have themselves a superstar. If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires two canes to function, they have themselves a megastar and a table. If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires four canes to function, they don't have a superstar or a megastar. They have a guy who hogs canes for himself. Don't go overboard, WWE.

Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk and Betty Ross - Marvel's The Incredible Hulk

Let’s review the monsters of WWE, shall we? Snitsky is a monster. He likes to hurt people. Kane is a monster. He likes to hurt people. Umaga is a monster. He is an ethnic bulldozer and likes to hurt people. The amount of unforgiving monsters in WWE makes me want to start a riot. Then again, I'm sick of WWE monsters, so I will simply knock over a vase on a soft carpet and call it a day.

I don't think I'm the only one in this world who wishes to see a monster in WWE with both physical and emotional complexities. For the super cool guys and gals who have no time for comic books or films based on such literature, boy or girl do I have news for you. Summer box office numbers have proven that within the pages of comics are complicated, fascinating tales about ordinary individuals with extraordinary abilities. I am not a fanatical follower of comics myself, but even I can admit that these books contain storytelling excellence. For instance, I do not understand why the professional wrestling monster has not yet evolved into a character like the Incredible Hulk. Out of all characters in the comic universe, the Hulk seems to be a given.

The story of the Hulk is as follows: Genius physicist Bruce Banner creates a gamma bomb for future use as a military weapon. During a test explosion of the bomb, Banner accidentally exposes himself to an extreme amount of gamma radiation. Then, that exposure transforms the miniscule man into the green goliath known as the Incredible Hulk. The story of the Hulk follows Banner as he struggles to deal with the guilt caused by the raging, destructive power inside him, the angry monster which he helped to make. Throughout his pained existence, Bruce's romantic interest Betty Ross is the one person who tries to wrap her head around his inner turmoil. Does World Wrestling Entertainment want any part of this story and character? Not in a million years. In two million years, maybe they will reconsider.

What would I give to see a reluctant monster in WWE, the kind of killer who does not strive to kill? I would hand over not just one Klondike Bar, but two. The Incredible Hulk is the type of character that anyone can get behind. If you cannot sympathize with the Hulk's predicament, you must be an alien. I bet you have three eyes, a fish face, and interchangeable hands and feet. In the case of an Incredible Hulk-like wrestler, picture a man who is afraid of himself. Picture a man who both despises and embraces his alter ago. On the flipside, picture a female who is that man's only meaningful source of human connection, but that man cannot connect with her because he does not want to hurt her. If WWE wises up, picture cash money in their cash-hungry pockets. They don't have to colour the next wrestling monster green. They just have to make the next wrestling monster human.

Leonard Shelby - Memento

In Christopher Nolan's Memento, protagonist Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) is a former insurance claims investigator in search of his wife's murderer. With great determination, he scours the city for a man named John G. In his mind, Leonard believes that he can exact revenge on John G. by killing him. Also in his mind, Leonard does not comprehend what he is doing for he suffers from a rare form of amnesia that prevents his brain from creating new memories. Although he can recall memories made prior to the incident that gave him his condition, his short-term memory is shot. Therefore, he takes notes and photographs to help him remember where he was, where is he, and where he must go. Notes and photographs are nice, but are they reliable? As time passes, doesn't our minds tend to skew past memories to our liking? Did this John G. really kill Leonard’s wife? Is Leonard Shelby actually Leonard Shelby? Drama for your mama in Botswana, no doubt.

If they want, World Wrestling Entertainment can use a wrestler with no short-term memory for comedy. If they please, Vince McMahon and the legendary writer that is Stephanie McMahon can take a wrestler with amnesia in a serious direction. While Cactus Jack had amnesia for a short period in early 90s WCW, I was not around in that era so The Swerved did not get the chance to save that ill-fated story. Good job, Atlantans.

Nevertheless, you present an indecisive character who second guesses his every move inside and outside of the ring and you get quality television. You have a guy that heels can manipulate. You have a man that does not know fantasy from reality, fiction from truth. Who wouldn't want an amnesiac in WWE? Like Leonard, WWE has short-term memory loss. In addition, they love to lie to themselves on a consistent basis. One week, Vince McMahon doesn't like Ric Flair. The next week, McMahon and Flair are buddies. The following week, who’s Ric Flair? World Wrestling Entertainment and Leonard Shelby go hand in hand, skipping down an open, dusty trail into the yellow-orange sunset. They're perfect for each other.

Adrian Monk - Monk

United States of America Network's Monk follows the obsessive-compulsive life of San Franciscan detective Adrian Monk (Tony Shalhoub). His disorder stems from the unexpected death of his wife in a car bomb explosion. Through repetitive actions and behaviour, Monk tries to cope with his trauma.

To make matters clear once again, I don't want WWE to boast an entire roster of broken-hearted talent. At its core, I understand that professional wrestling is popcorn entertainment. With that said, I do want WWE to give me reasons to care for the members of their roster. An Adrian Monk-type gimmick can work in professional wrestling because a character who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder is not able to turn the condition on and off; rather, the disorder lingers throughout the character’s life.

Years ago, Tommy Dreamer took on a gimmick in which he ate and drank whatever you gave him. I never got how drinking Barbasol or eating a whole shark translates or matters in the wrestling ring, but I assume that is the exact reason why the gimmick failed. With an obsessive-compulsive wrestler, the possibilities are limitless. The wrestler can take fifteen minutes to get into the ring because he has to jog twenty times around ringside to feel safe in the arena. The wrestler can refrain from pinning a man in the ring, unless the opponent's head is facing eastward. Most of all, the wrestler can choose not to compete at all because he is convinces himself that wrestling on the third Monday of the month will bring bad on himself and the audience.

I do not wish obsessive-compulsive disorder on any of you fine readers for that is a serious condition. Conversely, I do wish obsessive-compulsive disorder on the next WWE character because that man, woman, little person, kangaroo, or oversized infant will immediately stand out from the rest of the bland pack.