Monday, July 30, 2007

Homer Sezings

Wrestling Definitions by Wrestling Historian Homer Jay Simpson



I love you too but I'm going to mace you in the face.


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Tag Team Revivaler: Part 2

Webster's Dictionary defines a tag team as nothing for the term consists of two words. In the dictionary of Stephen, tag team is more than a simple term. One day, I was walking down the street and saw a man in great pain. He collapsed onto the pavement in a heap of loose limbs and ragged torso. A crowd of pedestrians gathered around him in disillusion. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the middle-aged lady with a large handbag. "I think he's choking," said a hooded sweatshirt teenager in baggy pants. As they stood motionless around the fallen man, I shoved my way through the crowd. With one glance at the circle of people, I crouched down and looked at the downed individual eye to glazed eye.

What did I do? I reached out my hand, received the tag, and attacked the crowd with clotheslines, suplexes, and bulldogs. He recovered fine. The end. This is the power of the hot tag. This is the art of tag team wrestling in the everyday.

World Wrestling Entertainment needs a dose of greatness injected into its entertaining yet petty, exploitive, and shameless veins. No man is a island; two men become a peninsula. The wrestling world needs tag teams like a child needs a mother's love or a new bike.



Name: It's Time To Show You, You'll See (Triple H and Stevie Richards)

Gimmick: Triple H, in full Wrestlemania 21 Barbarian Attire, becomes a full-fledged barbarian with a crown made out of the skeletons of his previous defeated competitors. Stevie Richards, in full hot pink Sunday Night Heat Attire, is a viking with a helmet made out of the many canvasses he was pinned upon during his career.

Entrance Music: Two sledgehammers making sweet sledgehammy love to each other.

Entrance: Triple H sulks in his chair as Stevie Richards appears on a docking ship playing Misirlou on a Guitar Hero II guitar that is not plugged into its console.

Finisher: Pedi-T

Triple H executes the Pedigree on the dazed opponent. The opponent lands on Stevie Richards and pins him by accidental circumstance. In furrowed brow anger, Triple H proceeds to attack Richards for all eternity. His forehead wrinkles get wrinklier.

Prediction: 101-Time WWE Tag Team Champions of Championing


Name: Twins II (The Great Khali and Hornswoggle)

Gimmick: Hornswoggle is Danny DeVito from Batman Returns, who searches for his long lost brother (Khali), who plays Arnold Schwarzenegger's role in Kindergarten Cop.

Entrance Music: Khali belly laughs with Celtic music backup.

Entrance: The Great Khali throws Hornswoggle deep to himself (from the top of entranceway all the way to the ring) a la Mr. Perfect's football pass.

Finisher: The Gigantic Dwarfinization

The Great Khali tethers Hornswoggle around his waist with a rope to fashion a human yo-yo. Khali performs several tricks (ex. Rock the Baby) which fling Hornswoggle out and about their opponent's faces and bodies for the total knockout.

Prediction: 1,256,395-Time World Tag Team Contenders of the World


Name: Fat People Are Angry Because Of The Fat Swat Team (Big Daddy V and Umaga)

Gimmick: Big Daddy V and Umaga appear on Shaquille O'Neal's preteen weight loss show that nobody watches. To their equal amount of dismay, they lose only 3 pounds between them. From this day forward, they vow to use their fat for evil rather than good to spite Kazaam.

Entrance Music: A cake being baked. Aw, that's their jam. That beat is bumpin'.
Entrance: An enormous slide is positioned from atop the entranceway to the center of the ring. In tight sequin bodysuits, Big Daddy and Umaga hold hands at the top of the slide, then whiz down together. To lubricate the slide, let's say... Crisco is used.

Finisher: Easy Bake Oven Drop '07

Big Daddy V and Umaga set a pair of Easy Bake Ovens in the center of the ring. Their opponents' try to use the ovens but soon grow frustrated by the fact that it takes 72 hours to cook a cupcake under a 25-watt lightbulb. As the adversaries are distracted, V and Umaga fly off opposite top turnbuckles and smush their opponents with the fat of their fat.

Prediction: 1-Ton Tag Ton Champions


Name: Super Santino Bros. 3 (Santino Marella and Super Crazy w/ Maria)

Gimmick: An Italian plumber and Mexican landscaper fall down a garden pipe into a new and disturbing world where animals turn into gold coins if you stomp on them; if you are hit by one, you turn into a little person too. Upon their arrival to this mystical land, they are informed by Toddstool (Todd Grisham) that beautiful Princess Maria is missing. "That ho is always in the last castle we look," the Super Santino Brothers say with disappointed expressions. Now, why are they the third installment of Super Santino Bros.? Cause they wear frog suits in 3. Why the balls else?

Entrance Music: Flee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee doo. Fleep doop-doop, flee-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-dee-doo.

Entrance: Santino and Super Crazy march in place, then fling themselves to the gorilla position backstage. Some kid from the year 1990 presses the A button and they appear from the curtains.

Finisher: "Get The Star, Jimmy! The Star!"

The princess is kidnapped.

Santino and Super Crazy bop two question mark boxes suspended in mid-air. Two smiling cartoon stars appear and begin to hop on the ground. Santino and Crazy run to the stars. When they get them, they begin their momentary spaz fury sessions on their opponents in Green Land: World 1, Stage 4.

The princess is kidnapped again.

Prediction: 7-Star Tag Team Brothers Who May Just Be Having Drug-Induced Dreams.


Name: Refridgeration-X also known as R-X (Shawn Michaels and Bobby Lashley)

Gimmick: Shawn Michaels returns from much needed knee surgery stressing to the world the importance of keeping leftovers and meats well chilled. Bobby Lashley dons the Maytag repairman uniform to join Michaels in his cause.

Entrance Music: "We refridgerate to keep things cool. We just tired of you leaving raw chicken unprotected on your kitchen island."

Entrance: Shawn Michaels lunges to one side and flexes his biceps with refridgerated cold cuts in each hand. Behind him stands Bobby Lashley who brings in a new fridgerator-freezer combo on a box trolley.

Finisher: The Frigidaire Fatality

Shawn Michaels stomps his foot in the corner of the ring while the fans count along with him. When the opponent turns around, Shawn Michaels runs up to the fridge and smacks the door in his face. Meanwhile, Bobby Lashley bounces off the ropes to the fridge. He presses the "Make Cubed Ice" button. The cubes fly from the dispenser and knock out the opponent(s) for the one, two, three.

Prediction: 10-Time North American Tag Team Food Preservation Champions

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 22nd

WWE World Heavyweight Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Larry King

Witchita Falls
You're on the air

Hello, this is Basic Larrynomics
This is Ba-Basic Larrynomics
Hello, I'm throwing softballs cause you don't have any hardballs
Hello, this is Ba-Ba-Basic La-La-Larrynomics
Hello, I have suspenders to hold up my manly grapefruits

Whether talkin' or listenin'
I'm old-timin' glistenin'
Got your back against the floor with missionary questions
Do you like to wrestle? Have you always liked wrestling?
I bet your signature move hurts a whole lot, I'm guessing
Viewers hit the phones, dialing Larry King Live's numbers
For over forty minutes, I'm tossing deep thought asunder
Pay attention to this playpen here on CNN
Tune in then when this new joint replays at 10

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I revive many a thing with the help of some stuff somewhere over there, probably.


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Tag Team Revivaler: Part 1

The art of tag team wrestling is fading into the light of the forgotten once more. In the modern day, the tag match is no more a display of double-team ingenuity and chemistry between partners; truly, it has now become a vehicle to prolong singles feuds between main event wrestlers. Tell me the last main event tag team match between actual tag teams that has impressed you and I will show you a bridge. Care to purchase said bridge? Buy this bridge, and get another bridge half-off. There will be no sales tax on the second bridge if you act now, by golly.

Yes, a handful of tag teams exist today. On the independent circuit, tag teams still run around flipping and spinning at each other. TNA's tag division is somewhat existent with promising duos such as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin as the Motor City Machine Guns and LAX (Los Angeles X-rays... of Anaheim). World Wrestling Entertainment is home to many teams, but the tandems are regrettably quite inferior to their predecessors. World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch do not cut it. Of course, Trevor Murdoch's face, which is eternally reacting to the taste of a sour lemon is stupendous. However, the Murdoch Lemon Face fails to set the wrestling world ablaze. Although WWE Tag Team Champions Deuce and Domino (with Cherry) are doin' it for Johnny and the rest of the Outsiders and or Happy Days gang, their punches, kicks, punch kicks, and kick punches do not wow the people who are not Two-Bit and or Arnold's restaurant patrons.

This week, I propose to the professional wrestling world a concept that will most definitely cause ripples in both the industry and our culture. I request that you, the reader, tag me into these proceedings so I may relay my plan for a tag team revival to the masses.

Tag team wrestling is not dead. Tag team wrestling is not on life support. In fact, tag team wrestling is about to become better than ever, Trevor.



Name: International House of Submissions & Wine (Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle)

Gimmick: Samoe Joe has a lot of gold titles. Kurt Angle also has a lot of gold titles, one of which no casual fan has ever heard of.

Entrance Music: Godzilla singing the American National Anthem

Entrance: Samoe Joe treats the Impact and TNA Pay-Per-View
audiences to a high-energy island dance with thrusts, hand slaps, and jigs. While he is performing, Kurt Angle sings Sexy Kurt with Mike "M-Dawg" Tenay on back-up vocals.

Finisher: The Tap Tap Tapioca Tap Dance

Samoa Joe holds his opponent over his shoulder for a Muscle Buster. On their way down to the mat, Kurt takes off his singlet to reveal that he is wearing a speedo a la July 19th edition of TNA Impact. Kurt waves his banana hammock in his opponents' face, which forces the recipient of the experience to tap out before he is knocked out on the mat.

Prediction: 23-Time TNA Tag Team Champions of TNA


Name: OMGWTFemales (Christy Hemme and Roxxi Laveaux)

Gimmick: Feuding rivals team up to show TNA and the rest of Earth that women deserve to convulse and look like floozies just as much as men do.

Entrance Music: One hand clapping in a land of tumbleweeds.

Entrance: Hemme and Laveaux link their limbs together to form a rudimentary human bicycle. They wheel their way down the aisle as TNA personality and open-shirt-collar-wearer Jeremy Borash rides the bicycle.

Finisher: Vagicide

Christy Hemme hoists their opponent on her shoulders. Then, Roxxi Laveaux spazzes out like a voodoo gypsy woman thing on her way to the top turnbuckle. Next, she flies off the turnbuckle crotch-first onto her opponent's head. This move is capped off by Hemme and Laveaux celebrating by trying to out-voodoo-dance each other. The opponent is all OMGWTF before his/her defeat (hence the tag team name).

Prediction: 3-Time TNA Non-existent Women's Tag Team Champions of the Universe


Name: Far East Connection (Sonjay Dutt and Senshi)

Gimmick: Sonjay Dutt tries to keep peace in the ring by throwing daisies at his opponents which Senshi also kicks at them with the might of his kickpadded shins.

Entrance Music: The mantra entitled One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Entrance: Sonjay Dutt rides an African elephant to the ring. An African elepant rides Senshi to the ring.

Finisher: Peace Be With You Driver

Sonjay Dutt holds up the opponent in a vertical suplex position. Senshi leaps off the apron, springboards from the top rope, then kicks the opponent's head clean from his body. Unlike the chicken, the homosapien does not run around crazily when it loses its head. It tends to stay in place after such an event occurs so it's all good.

Prediction: 11-Time Head-Kicker-Off Tag Team Champions


Name: Young Boy (Eric Young and Shark Boy)

Gimmick: Eric Young alters his persona as a lovable buffoon to that of a lifesaving lifeguard. One day, a dying shark washes up on the shore of a popular Florida beach. Eric resuscitates the shark with the Heimlich maneuver. Unbeknownst to him, the shark that he saves is actually the mayor of Shark Town, located deep in the waters mere metres away from the beach. To show his gratitude to Eric, he mayor brings him down to the town square for a celebratory ceremony. Thousands of sharks gather around the streets as Eric is given the key to Shark Town. They live happily ever after. The end...

Oh, right a gimmick. Let's say... Eric Young and Shark Boy team up for no reason. Can I have my million dollars now?

Entrance Music: Calm ocean sounds (a shark attacking a fat guy)

Entrance: Young and Boy enter the Impact arena in Orlando, Florida in a speeding Cadillac which is made to look like an tidal wave. Eric Young's reaction is all "I did not know the tides were this strong," while Shark Boy is all, "This is what the waters naturally do at night, so I'm cool with it."

Finisher: Bits and Bites

Shark Boy attacks his opponent on the rear by gnawing at his/her posterior. Eric Young is forced to finish the job, but he has to attain the experience first. To become a full-fledged, he attends Cannibal Elementary School, Cannibal High (he repeats a year because he has trouble chewing left thighs), then the University of Cannibalism. His Bachelor of Arts degree is the first step to a successful life of devouring the rest of his opponent. Hopefully their adversaries can wait until he is able to finish the 17+ years of study.

Prediction: 20-Time Tag Team Human Devouring North American Champions


Name: Impersonation Station ("Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and Jerry "Nickelbacker" Lynn)

Gimmick: Jay Lethal runs around being "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. Jerry Lynn transforms into lead singer Chad Kroeger of the rock band Nickelback by spreading his legs out a tad when he stands in addition to parting his hair slightly in the middle.

Entrance Music: A mash-up of Pomp & Cirumstance and a remix of Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi that will feature Mr. Kroeger on main vocals.

Entrance: Black Machismo heads down the aisle in a Wrestlemania 3 Ring Cart. Jerry Lynn throws nickels behind his back for good luck, to make a pun, and to have a loss of nickels.

Finisher: Oooooh, How You Remind Me

Jay Lethal leaps off the top turnbuckle with a Macho Man elbowdrop as Jerry Lynn croons from a New York apartment rooftop while Spider-Man swings on his web strands bored as hell. Peter Parker don't not need no reminder of nothing.

Prediction: 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time TNA Tag Team Impersonators.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 21st

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Edge (c) vs. Corner

On this day
I have picnics
But I forgot the tablecloth
A pointy end on wooden furniture
We should refrain from accruing splinters

On this day it is summer
Get these flies off my watermelons
Another chance to lay in the sun
Another chance to play
Chance to play some frisbee

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Dang, momma. I don't wanna eat no fried chicken. I'm a thug.


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Some More Odds and Some More Ends

This week, I go spelunking into the dark cave of the unknown. In the grimy depths of the earth sits The Swerved Vault, which holds wonderful treasures and forgotten gems rarely seen by human eye. Readers will be in for quite the privilege since I do not visit this vault often. The twenty-hour trek into the planet's core takes a mighty toll on a young man like myself. In addition, the vault is surrounded by a fiery moat filled with mammoth demons, flying serpents with venomous fire breath, and cobwebs. My body gets all prickly when I touch a cobweb. Did I just touch one now? What's that on me? Oh, frick. I feel something on me. Is it a spider? I feel spider legs on my left forearm.

Let these lost pieces of brief gold greatness bring happiness into your wrestling world above ground. Get whipped into the ropes, bounce off those same ropes, then click your heels in the air with glee. Like the Disney masterpieces Bambi 2 and Cinderella, this fantastication will not be here forever.


In the forgotten days of 2003 yore, my hatred for The Hunter Hearst Helmsley Domination Power Hour Variety Show reached an all-time high. If a watched pot never boils, the entire world took their eyes away from me as angry stream spewed from every orifice of my body. My fury can be traced back to the year 2001 when Triple H took The Hurricane's newfound popularity (from a surprise pinfall victory over The Rock on RAW) and squashed it in his veiny, forehead-crinkling grasp with one convincing pin. In that same year, he aimed an oscillating fan at his Wrestlemania opponent, cooling the Harlem Heat of one Booker T. The tip of the berg with ice on it was the formation of Evolution, which gave Triple H free range to try to be like Ric Flair and hit Goldberg one time in the face with the back of his hand placed firmly over the end of a sledgehammer. I was prepared to stop his unjust reign by appearing on WWE programming with the following diatribe soon after that event, but I had acute case of mono that week.

My First Shoot Promo: Triple H

Everyone remembers their first. For example, remember the first time you and that special someone looked up at the stars at the night, and the two of you made that wonderful emotional and physical connection right there on the picnic blanket? You know how that felt? If you do, please tell me because I am an android that cannot comprehend the concept of love. Does not compute. Beep, beep. Downloading something involving technology.

What I am though is a being of frustration and anger. You say 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'? I say I will make you believe it is butter... and high quality margarine at the same time. Do it or die, earthling.

I'm tired of being knocked down time after time by 'The Man'. I don't even want to know who 'The Man' is, but I'm guessing he's not very pleasant. So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take it out on the people that have forsaken me -- professional wrestlers. One by one, I will tell them my true feelings and they will have to simply take it and sign for it.

Triple H, the freight train is coming into the station. Clackety clack, mothersucker.

Do. You. Have. Your. Ticket. With. You?

"The only reason Triple H gets a constant push is because he and Vince McMahon share an interest in go-karts. I don't care that the guys in the back don't want me to say it. It's true. When nobody's looking, they engage in Figure Eights."

"Oh, Mr. Helmsley. I seem to be the only guy that remembers that you used to come out to that music that went something like 'twee-dee-lee-dee-twee-twee-dee-lee.' Remember wearing those equestrian tights too, man? I do -- I always have and always will. You know why I mentioned that? I liked that music, guy. Hell, as a youngling back then, I would always time my macho tea parties to that song. Garfield, Kermit the Frog in the hockey jersey, a cardboard cut-out of Betty from the Archie comics. and I would have the bitchingest tea party the world ever saw. Now, you have that Motorhead thing and you're screaming non-stop. It's not my fault that the water in your bottle tastes bad. Maybe you just have bad taste altogether."

"You talk about how you're the best, and the greatest, but are you a master chef? I don't think so. Like I always say 'To eat the bread, you've got to heat the bread.' You don't want to step to this, sister friend. I will smoke you out of the kitchen, shiny hair guy."


As a certified, licensed, and self-proclaimed genius, everyday life is a constant struggle not to be clever. If I had one flaw, it is that I am too flawless. I cannot help that my brainpower is superior to that of the supposed smartest men in the world. I do not understand why the ignorant and the imbecilic feel threatened when placed in the same room as I. Surely, I do not care for those who do not embrace the complex concepts of the world. For instance, the pun is a wonderful invention. Not only are puns quite humourous, but impressive ones tend to display one's mental accumen in an accurate and thorough manner as well. If you had the same IQ as myself, wouldn't you want to prove your mind power to the inferiors of the globe? Sure you would, but unfortunately, my IQ is at such an inhuman level that it cannot be measured numerically. If you wish to know, my IQ is given the symbol of a crescent moon. 'Tis the existence of a wordplay master.

Nevertheless, I hope you find entertainment in my genius display. Feel free to giggle in awe at my puniness.

Punmania I

Warning: The following column contains extensive pun use and may not be suitable for small children, giant children under some kind of voodoo curse, or people with heart conditions. Reader discretion is advised.

Punmania I
Live from Within This, Article
Attendance: 173,384,378 and a duck

Snitsky - "It's Not My Fault"

He'd say this, but he'd hold a map that presents the different tectonic plates of planet Earth. He'd point to the San Andreas Fault, and claim that he is not its rightful owner.

Booker T - "The 5 Thyme WCW World Champion"

It's revealed that he's been talking about seasonings the whole time. Visual: Booker T in a chef's hat, making you an airy and delicious quiche as fiery pyrotechnics go off in the kitchen background. You're welcome.

Shane McMahon - "Here Comes The Bunnies"

Shane McMahon dresses up as the Easter Bunny and sets a bunch of bunnies free at Wrestlemania 22. He then scales the top of the arena, only to land on the fuzzy creatures with a devastating elbow drop.

Triple H - "It's Time to Play the Haim"

Triple H calls out Corey Haim, with the following promo:

"Cor-ee! Cor-ee! COR-EE! I'm Triple H! Please refer back to previous promos for clarification of my greatness. I can wait." He calls Haim out again, but ends up being attacked from behind by Corey Feldman. Feldman delivers The Feldigree to Hunter and stands over his lifeless body. Feldman then takes off his leather/denim jacket to reveal a shirt that reads De-Goonie-ration X. The theme song plays as Mikey (as Road Dogg), Brand (as Billy Gunn), Andy (as X-Pac), and Chunk (as Chyna) join him in the celebration. A new era is born-- here today, but definitely not "Goon" tomorrow.


If you are a wrestling fan, yet refuse to support your local arts and entertainment scene, you are no chum of mine. Go ahead and watch your reality TV show in which fifty people do nothing in house with nothing to do. I won't mind if you scarf down that three-tier bacon cheeseburger while dressed in your fancy underpants. There is no shame in listening to death metal in headbang mode while your mullet on top of a mullet accentuated by a side mullet flows poetic in the body-odour-smelling wind of your trailer. If you are too good for art, art is too good for you. Good day, gentleman and one lady probably. I turn my nose up at you. I drop my monocle. I look past the pages of New York Times, chock full of words longer than two letters, in disappointment at your filthy ilk.

Art Exhibitionism: Wrestlers and Inanimate Objects

"Umaga and the Faulty Vending Machine"

Umaga (left) inserted two dollars into this vending machine for a refreshing bottle of Snapricot Orange. Unfortunately, this particular vendor was notorious for malfunction; it ate change and refused to return said change. This did not bode well for the Samoan Bulldozer for he had consumed an entire bag of salted pretzels and the parchness of his mouth was making him slightly perturbed. Armando Alejandro Estrada (right) tried to sort out the problem in a practical manner, Bill Clintoning the machine with a cigar. On the other hand, Umaga used his own Samoan ingenuity with a Samoan foot... for Samoa. Unsuccessful in their attempts, the pair walked back to their 2006 Umagamobile (with cigar wheels) in disgust.

Monday, July 09, 2007

The State of The Swerved Address: CONT'D

The Swerved will return with regular side features on July 16. For now, please enjoy this week's article as WWE superstar Batista embarks on a journey most bodacious.




Whoa oh-a-oh there's a pineapple. Whoa oh-a-oh here's a mango. Whoa oh-a-oh I like oranges. I just wanna eat, wanna eat fru-u-uit.


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Batista Chooses His Own Adventure

Smackdown's own Dave Batista is a brute of several talents. When he first entered the rings of World Wrestling Entertainment, he played Deacon Batista, Reverend D-Von's holder of a steel collection box which hung from his neck via chain. What was in that container? Apparently, it was greatness. After a brief disappearance, Batista took the role of the powerhouse enforcer in Triple H's powerhouse stable entitled Evolution. Batista drew a line in the sand--that line was lined with gold. Next, Batista's turn to the good, marked by the Batista Bombing of Hunter onto a folding table, gave birth to The Animal. At Wrestlemania 21 from Hollywood, California, that animal attacked a weakened gazelle in the form of The Game to capture his first World Heavyweight Championship. From that point onwards, the animal has been unleashed and fed to a slew of competitors. He has ripped his teeth and claws into prey like tigers in the month of August, which most fans today know as shark-eating season. The massive force of Batista is matched by no man. In fact, he is so indestructible that not even the pages of a Choose Your Own Adventure book can take the behemoth down.

Choose Your Own Adventure books have given children reason to read and often comprehend what they have just read. They may cause their own demise sometimes, stuck in a maze of monsters after turning to page 220, but on page 221, it's all gravy pretty lady. If you wish to take Batista on the journey of a million lifetimes, let your eyes proceed to get a sneak peek of the literary triumph that will be etched in the clouds of heaven, sooner rather than later.

Batista and the Wondrous Evergreen World
by Stephen Rivera
A Swerved Publications Joint

Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Winnipeg, Manitoba, former two-time World Heavyweight Champion Batista readies for the main event of a Smackdown house show against, let's say, Funaki. He adorns his person with the shiny tights of the fire-breathing dragon, crafted by the Greek God of Sewing, Needlecles. He laces his boots, rubs his torso with fancy oils, and probably does that smirk thing he does with his mouth sometimes. Just as he is about to stroll through the curtain, a loud explosion emanates from the back of the building. Batista turns and runs down the hall to a pair of double-doors. In case of emergency, Batista barges through them because it's an emergency. Outside the arena, he sprints down a long walkway. Unbeknownst to him, he runs across a long candy cane bridge that leads to a glowing land of tall trees, hopping bunnies, and rainbows.

What should Batista do next?

a) Blow up the magical forest with his imaginary machine gun (turn to page 9).
b) Go into the magical forest (turn to page 34).
c) Stand there in a suit and glasses, looking cool but not doing much else (turn to page 107).

Page 34

Batista enters the magical forest with a pyrotechnic show occurring behind him. After a five-hour inspection of the land, which involves Batista aimlessly trying to find a top rope to shake, Batista sits down on a log for a breather. Without warning, a large cardboard box materializes in the air. He reaches for a box and inspects the pizza pie contents quizzically.

Should Batista eat the magic pizza?

a) Yes, because this is a special pizza pie. Toppings were placed on the pizza with the help of magical fairy dust and woodland elf bile (turn to page 7).
b) He should give the pizza a spinebuster... supreme flavour (turn to page 100).
c) No, but the pizza should stand there in a suit and glasses, looking like a pizza but not doing much else (turn to page 88).

Page 7

With his mighty hand, Batista rips a slice of air pizza from the hovering box and devours it whole, including its crust of a thousand times toughness. Between violent chews, Batista mumbles, "Mmm, it's not greasy at all," and "I don't care what anybody says. Shrimp on pizza is the Batista Bomb. Am I right, ladies?" In a flash, he finishes the slice, then partakes in the consumption of another. In no less than two minutes, Batista finishes the pizza pie off with a swift quickness. He slaps his hands together to rid his palms of stray crumps, but the beat of his palm pounds summons a figure from the darkness of the woods. The figure, in his flowing suit that adheres to the dress policy, creeps out through the ferns and shows his face before The Animal.

The gentleman is none other than General Wizard of Smackdown, Theodore R. Long. With his enchanted pimp cane, he bops Batista over the top of the head. Theodore uses the other end of the cane as a microphone and says, "Playa playa playa playa playa haterade playa playa playa playa piano." Batista stands in disbelief at Teddy's proposal.

"So, you're telling me that beacuse I ate the entire pizza, I must wrestle for my life tonight in this magical forest? If I do not win, I will be banished in this forest forever, attacked for all enternity by the carnivorous wolves and twinkletoe pixies of the night?" Batista asks.

"Playa playa playa playa holla holla playa playa playa playa vampire slaya."

Should Batista agree to the match?

a) Only if it's a tag match versus MVP (tun to page 89).
b) No, they should make up and spoon (turn to page 59).
c) Only if it's with his asthma-treating partner--Dragon the Magic Puffer (turn to page 56).

Page 56

Batista reaches into his tights for his tag team partner. He places the puffer to his mouth and inhales a wonderful mist of white-powdered lung relief. Dragon the Magic Puffer grows in massive size with the assistance of hard work, training, and a sensible diet alone. The two talk strategy as they wait for their opponents. Theodore the Wizard places the pimp cane in front of him and speaks:

"Playa playa playa playa playa playa feel me playa playa playa tax paya."

Batista, a former member of Evolution, is shocked at the news. With his partner Puffer, they must face Intelligent Design. Evolution, the gradual and organic process in which a type of being transforms into a more complex and proficient form must somehow find a way to defeat the proposal that all systems of the universe are derived from the intended creations of an intelligent force rather than one that is natural.

Intelligent Design enters the forest in matching purple and pink tights. To combat their flashy attire, Batista puts on a suit and sunglasses that, like the wizard's attire, follows the WWE dress policy in a fashionable way.

What move should Batista utilize to fight Intelligent Design?

a) A chimpanzee-throwing gorilla (turn to page 111).
b) Science (turn to page 150).
c) Explain to them the differences between the way white and black people drive in a hilarious manner. White people drive like, "Hey, look at me. My middle name is Leopold and I wear a shirt with buttons." Black people drive like, "Aw hell. Bang, bang, bang with a gun that shoots bullets and has anyone seen my pair of orange Croc shoes? I last left it on the verandah, you ho-bag." What do you think? I guess you'll have to be there to see him do it (turn to page 77).

Page 150

As the forest bell rings, Intelligent and Design attack Batista from behind. Intelligent holds Batista up in a vertical suplex while Design comes off a treetop with a cross body. Intelligent and Design whip Batista in the ropes, then pull off a flapjack. With Batista draped on a prickly bush, Intelligent and Design bounce off of flower beds and execute a double 6-1-9. Dragon the Magic Puffer screams at Batista to tag him, but The Animal is too far from the corner.

Moments later, Batista ducks a double spinning wheel kick attempt and flings them both up and over the trail into the the river of forest dreams. Struggling for air, Batista inches closer and closer to Puffer. With fingertip reaches, he tries to tag his partner, but Puffer stares at him blankly and begins to walk in the opposite direction. Batista screams at Puffer to return, but the large inhaler only responds with the finger.

Who can Batista trust?

a) Nobody (turn to page 33).
b) A butler. They never end up doing anything wrong, according to books and television and popular media that pertain to murder mysteries (turn to page 112).
c) Finlay's Hornswoggle's leprechaun's leprechaun--Russian Doll Hennessey (turn to page 68).

Page 33

As Intelligent and Design regain their composure, they retreat from the river and march over to The Animal. Face down on the ground, a lifeless Batista appears to be down for the count, but a soothing voice echoes in the distance. Batista lends his ear to the sound.

"It's Time to Play The Game!"

Inspired by the lyric, Batista ducks under the concept that God created all living things and executes a series of clotheslines on the team. He gives a thumbs down to the idea of Intelligent Design, which is treated with thunderous cheers by the sold out audience of leaves and woodland creatures.

Without warning, a Motorhead mustachioed man pops out from under the forest floor and gives the members of Intelligent Design two Pedigrees each. Before the man is caught by Intelligent Design's valet, Immaculate Conception, he makes a run for it out of the forest. He leaves into the night, but not before holding up a sledgehammer made of a twig tied to a rock in celebration.

Batista sets Intelligent and Design in the powerbomb position at the same time. He lifts both opponents up, then slams them down onto a pile of uncomfortable pebbles. With the double-cover, the referee, a doe that sort of resembles Charles Robinson in the facial area, taps his hoof against the ground three times.

Batista wins!

Monday, July 02, 2007

The State of The Swerved Address

The events of this past week have been, for lack of better words, shocking, confusing, and depressing. A man admired by fans around the world is no more. His wife and their seven-year-old son have left this earth. Some of you may wonder why this blog does not touch on the tragedies of professional wrestling. Earlier this year, performers such as Bam Bam Bigelow and Mike Awesome passed away without recognition. Just before the Benoit family tragedy, Sherri Martel lost her life without a single mention on the site. Like you, I am saddened by the deaths of wrestling's past and present. In many instances, these talents leave us far too young, long before their day is done. As years go by, it does not get any easier to accept the inevitable, let alone the unexpected.

Last September, I created The Swerved to entertain. Today, I continue to write in hopes that readers will be able to temporarily escape for a moment or two from not only the real world, but the realities of the wrestling industry as well. Of course, I don't think we are quite ready to move on, but I wish that someday, we will able to have a good laugh again. Fans and experts can speculate for an eternity as to why the incident occurrred, but what pains me the most is the fact that three people are gone, never to return. If I have learned anything from this week, it is that life is a complicated and fragile thing. No matter what is happening in your life, happy or sad, good or bad, please try to live this one while you can for as long as you can.



Calculus major Math Hardy > Matt Hardy


She's so beautiful, she could be a part-time model (but she'd probably have to keep her normal job).

The Rocktagon with J. Swift

No, this is not Rivera. Don't worry, he's all fine and dandy, and I assure you that he'll be back here next week, just as soon as I let him out of my trunk.

Now, you are more than likely wondering who I am and what business do I have hi-jacking a satirical pro-wrestling oriented blog for my own self-serving needs. Well, loyal Swerved reader, there is a mighty wind a-blowing, and when it hits, it's going to be like the hybrid offspring of a super tornado and a Mega-hurricane merging in the middle of a tsunami; a tsunami that just so happens to be made out of lava.

I cannot, nay, will not go into major details, but something spectacular, awesome, and downright amazing is on the verge of occurring. Let's just say that in the next couple of months, there will be a grand celebration throughout the land, for the return draws nigh. Seriously, I can't even drop a hint, because the ensuing chaos may just start a fight of some sort, perhaps one that occurs, I don't know, backstage.

Now, Rivera is an outstanding young gentleman and a great writer, but he has one fatal flaw: he's not American. That's why, here, on the celebration of America's birthday, I have decided to make myself an ambassador. Not an ambassador of the U.S., though. Come, on everybody knows that America is the greatest country on Earth and all other countries are ridiculous jokes of civilizations, especially Mozambique; ESPECIALLY Mozambique.

Rather, I am here to extend the olive branch to the kingdom of the Internet Wrestling Community. Sure, wrestling is neat and all, but let's face it; it's best days are behind it. There were days when I too couldn't wait to get out of Mrs. Sorghum's 8th grade Pre-Algebra II class so I could go home, drink like fifteen Dr. Peppers, and watch ECW on TNN with widened eyes that could only come about via the aspiring vision of watching New Jack slap around Mike Awesome with a vacuum cleaner. Sadly, those days are deader than George Washington and his lesser-known cousin Kyle.

Wrestling today is a sad, flabby imitation of its former self. Remember back in the day when you had The Rock, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, and Moppy? Those were guys that had a.) talent, and b.) entertainment value (In fact, in Moppy's case, you might as well add c.) household cleaning prowess.) Wrestling was good, funny, and there were options, unlike today, in which it's pretty much all WWE, all the time, with its hideously deformed aborted twin brother TNA periodically stretching its mutated hand out of the Spike TV wicker basket ala that monster-thing in the 1980s classic Basketcase.

Long story short, wrestling used to be really hot back in high school, but ever since graduation, she's been packing on the pounds and letting rappers put spinning stuff all over her. Yeah, you've always liked her, but she's not the same girl you fell in love with all those years ago. You're in college now, and it's time to expand your horizons and move on to other options. And no, that doesn't mean ROH. Come on, not even the people in ROH care about ROH anymore.

Today, I am your guidance counselor. Sure, you've always dug wrestling, but there's no future in it. Sometimes, you've got to strike when the iron is hot, and in wrestling's case, it's a freaking Popsicle. You may not like what I am going to say. You may send Rivera threatening e-mails with tag lines like "OMG, This is SPOZED TO B A WRESTLING SITE OMG RANDOM NUMBERS AND LETTERS CHUCK NORRIS JOKE." You may crawl up into the fetal position and cry like a 14-year-old emo kid that just finished up listening to The Black Parade after his step-dad told him to cut his hair and stop acting like a woman. However, I believe in but one thing, and that one thing is truth. Wrestling, for all intents and purposes, is a lost cause. It's already picked a burial plot, dug a ditch, and put on its grave jumping shoes. It's time to move on, and find a new circle to hang with.

And that circle's name is the world of Mixed Martial Arts.

Now, I'm assuming you know a little about the world of MMA. Right now, MMA is more popular than Jesus' Myspace page, and I hear that's pretty popular. If you want to watch MMA at this point, just flip through a couple of channels. More than likely, MMA in some facet or another is on at this very moment. Go ahead, go try it. I can wait. I said go do it! I can wait just as long as you can. I'm serious, I'll turn this article around right now and head back home. Yeah, that's what I thought.

So did you see it? What did I tell you? UFC, Pride, IFL, BODOG, WCL, EXC ; it's a booming market, just ripe for the picking. Mixed Martial Arts is beginning to replace a lot of old guards in the world of media. It's pretty much bought boxing a one-way ticket to obscurity already (and don't give me that Mayweather-De La Hoya buy rate crap; having ONE million-plus buy show in intervals of five years doesn't mean Jack, diddly, and/or squat.) In fact, MMA is on the verge of not only becoming a financially respected sport, but a RESPECTFULLY respected sport to boot. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you'll be able to catch UFC results on that little ticker thing on the bottom of ESPN2. When your sport has become ticker-worthy, you know you've gone legit.

For those of you that are uninformed about the world of MMA, I'll present unto you the 5,000 years plus history of combat-entertainment in one paragraph: On the Sabbath, God said let there be light, and Royce Gracie's dad immediately leapt from the darkness and triangle choked a dinosaur to death. After going 53 rounds with Moses at the first Ultimate Fighter tournament, Helio Gracie suffered a heartbreaking decision loss and thus retreated to the jungles of Brazil to mask his shame. Later, Moses tested positive for an illegal controlled substance (bacon) and the decision was reversed, leading to a complete and utter overhaul of the inner workings of the MMA rules and regulations handbook. For a long time after that, not much happened. Then, in 1993 in Denver, the first official UFC event took place. All of the big names were there: Royce, Shamrock, some fat guy, another fat guy, and A French kick boxing guy. In the finals, Royce defeated French kick boxing guy, and in that instance, the world of fighting changed forever. The misconception that fighting was all about striking and being bigger than your opponent was officially given a closed casket procession, and inserted in its place was the notion that actually having talent may win you fights. And thus, modern day MMA was born.

And what a road we have traveled in the last 15 or so years. What was once labeled a blood sport and the equivalent of human cockfighting by failed Presidential candidate John McCain has now become a multi-million dollar venture and the darling of select market cable television. Let's face it, MMA is the future, and now is the most opportune time imaginable to hop on the metaphorical bandwagon. So what if you can't tell the difference between a rear naked choke and a forceful act of aggravated sodomy? That's why I'm here today. Below are the ten things every aspiring MMA fan should know. Once you get these down, you'll be a tenth degree black belt. A tenth degree black belt in being knowledgeable.

1.) MMA is a rigidly timed event. UFC utilizes five-minute rounds, three for normal bouts and five for championship matches. Pride uses a 10 minute first round and two five minute additional rounds. Each round is scored by a panel of judges based on several criteria, such as hits landed, mat control, and not jabbing your opponent in the eye with your car keys. In MMA, your biggest adversary is the clock. Currently, the clock has an official record of 21-1-6, with its only loss coming at the hands of Japanese sensation Sakamori Goka (ref stoppage due to cut, 2:31 into round one, K-2 Explosivo Super Card, June 15th, 2000.)

2.) There are several ways to "win" in MMA. Obviously, the two most common methods are via knockout or submission. If the fight goes the distance, the winner is decided via a panel of judges. The ref can stop the match at any moment, for any reason, without any oversight from anybody else. In other words, the ref could be a real prick if he wanted to.

3.) At many points, there will be mat-specific moments called "grounding". To the untrained eye, these moments may look like homoerotic groping. This is an integral part of the sport. The ground game is all about gaining leverage and dominance over your opponent in a cerebral chess game in which positioning and jockeying may led to an inevitable submission and or vital striking scenario. But yeah, it still looks pretty gay, though.

4.) MMA is often segregated into weight classes. There's often a heavyweight division, followed by a light heavy weight division, a middle weight division, a welterweight division, a lightweight division, and the rarely seen yet oft-spoken about Hardcore Cruiserweight Tag Team division (UFC abandoned this division back in 2001 because it was becoming too "Russo-era WCW like" (Dana White, July 12th, 2001).

5.) Contrary to popular belief, MMA is not a vicious, no holds barred sport. Many rules and regulations have been set in place to protect the fighters from serious injuries. This industry wide set of rules changes came into play in the mid 00s, and is universally accepted as being the moment that forever made MMA mainstream. Many traditionalist fans, however, detested the far more restrictive changes, as many hardcore fans protested the decisions and reminisced about the good old days back when the fighters had to do battle against alligators with tack hammers (see UFC 3: Severn vs. Chompy for a classic example of this now antiquated form of combat).

6.) No, you cannot win a UFC bout by escaping the cage. Not even if somebody opens the door for you.

7.) The primary method of submission comes from choke and joint holds. These are obtained by bending an adversary's arm, leg, knee, or elbow into the opposite direction, with hopes that the pain being inflicted upon said adversary will cause him to tap out. The dreaded Oklahoma nipple twister is still illegal, however.

8.) Some of the more legendary bouts in MMA history are Bonnar/Griffin from TUF Finals 1, the 90-minute Gracie/Sakaruba battle from Pride GP 2000, and Gracie/Severn from UFC 4. Helio Gracie looks like a turtle.

9.) Randy Couture isn't champion because he's sleeping with Dana White's daughter.

10.) If all else fails, just talk about how great Fedor is.

There you have it, pretty much all you need to know about the world of mixed martial arts. Now, you too can engage in verbal banter with fellow MMArks, and it's still a couple of years off until everybody gets jaded and apathetic about the whole process, so now would be a good time to hop into the pool. Now pardon me, I have to unroll Rivera out of a carpet real quick.