Monday, November 26, 2007

More Proper Ganda

Abyss is fun to hit. When you will begin to accept that? Why must you be so difficult?



I help the torch runner back up. He was lying there the entire time, you know.


I'm building a mystery.

Entrance Theme Interpretations: The Themening

Entrances themes--they are the backbone of the industry. Without entrance music, how are we supposed to know when our favourite superstars are about to appear? Through our sight? I don't think so. I don't think so times infinity. The wrestling world is a beautiful place when it functions with a soundtrack. The roses are redder, the violets are bluer, and the sky rids itself of clouds that vaguely resemble puffy bunnies. If you do not like entrance music, I cannot sway your opinion; you will dislike what you dislike; there ain't no stoppin' you now. While you let your hatred fester inside of you, I will be on the outside, enjoying the sounds of our times.

My appreciation for themes runs deep, all the way down to my epidermis. As the saying goes, I love entrance music like a fat kid loves entrance music. In fact, I admire wrestling themes so much that I will take time out of my busy schedule of enjoying wrestling themes to analyze said themes for the benefit of the public. For your information, the following entrance themes contain suggestive language such as "the" and "fluid." If you are reading this article to your children, please stop at this point. For the adults, take this alcoholic drink in an alcoholic glass and enjoy. As an aside, please take into account that these are partial anaylzations, not full interpretations. I listen to these songs non-stop all day, but even I need rest from this audible fantasticality. Furthermore, these are not the actual lyrics of the entrance themes, but the lyrics as I hear them. Send your criticisms to someone who cares, which is me.

Are you ready to rock? Are you ready to roll? If you are not ready to do either task, I must wait for you until you are adequately prepared. So, are you ready now? Still no? You're worse than a woman dolling herself up for the ball.


Santino Marella

Like Santino, I don't care for you either, Jerry "Stupid" Lawler. You are the king of stupid. Stop sticking up for your colleague Jim Ross. I know Jim Ross. He wants to show off his new finishing maneuver, the 900 Splash, but you won't let him.

Song: "Damn-a"
Singer: Italian Opera Songstress Praising a Higher Power
Genre: Italian Safe-Style Opera

Levy turned a mayo
(American Pie actor Eugene Levy has twisted the lid off a jar of mayonnaise in honour of Santino's entrance.)
This meat is ha
(Santino Marella has come from the butcher baring various hilarious pig snouts and amusing pieces of beef tripe.)

Take my Impala
(Santino is urging you to take his Chevrolet Impala out for an errand. Santino wants you to deliver a fruit basket to American Pie actor Eugene Levy as a thank you for opening that jar of mayonnaise.)
My juice is water
(The fruit basket that Santino is sending to American Pie actor Eugene Levy has so much fruit in it that Santino himself is out of fruit. From this point forward, when Santino Marella wants orange juice, he'll have to dream orange juice.)
Rahim for a quarter
(Santino will trade you Shareef Abdur-Rahim of the Sacramento Kings NBA franchise for twenty-five cents worth of orange juice American.)
Hey, there's my booty
(Santino is walking down the ramp to fetch his posterior. He thought he left it on his nightstand, but he was wrong.)
Check the moon, it is sexy
(Santino wants the audience to desire the moon in a sexual manner. The crescent drives him nuts.)
It is very ample
(Santino is going to cheat on Maria with Moonria. Sorry, Maria. Congratulations, Moonria.)
Look at these leaves, I don't know
(Italy seems to not have leaves such at these, but Santino is not sure. Inspect them and get back to him.)

The Coach

He is The Coach. That is why. He has just answered a question that you never asked. Jonathan Coachman has crazy super powers. Here's to Mr. Coachman, his incredible losing streak, and his retired Charleston chance.

Song: "Everybody Got Their Teeth"
Singer: Li'l Wayne's cousin Medium Siz'd Ulysses
Genre: Party Rap

Colour guard, know why
(Jonathan Coachman will appear in primary shades only. Try to protect yourself if you encounter such an image.)
Colour guard, know why
(See above.)
Dog know what it is (know why)
(A Chocolate Labrador cannot see primary colours. He or she is safe.)
*rhythmic breathing*
*rhythmic breathing*

Oh backbreak Chris, everybody got their teeth
(This time, Chris Jericho will backbreak the walls down. Also, Coach notices that everyone has a full set of adult teeth.)
And the world is watching me
(The world is watching Coach watching people with a full set of adult teeth.)
And the world is watching me
(The world is fascinated with watching Coach watching people with a full set of adult teeth.) [x2]

Maul you, come on, come out, and get to it
(Jonathan Coachman is going to attack you like a bear. Get this bear attack over with because Coach wants to watch some What I Like About You reruns.)
Pimp game is coming right at you like Chewie
(Coach is very good at his favourite pimp related board game--Pimptionary. Do not face him as a novice or you will experience a hardship similar to that of Chewbacca from Star Wars.)
Got a park in the building but you already knew it
(He is installing a park in the backstage area of RAW, but you can tell that he is doing so if you look hard enough. That swing is very red.)
Down boy game like grease like it's fluid
(Coach wants to bring that Chocolate Labrador back from the song's introduction to show you how greasy and liquidy his dog's game is.)
Bank roll the game and the girls can't chew it
(He has a roll of pennies. The ladies cannot digest his roll of pennies for they do not want copper poisoning.)
All this is mine, you're all just Inuit
(Coach owns everything you see before you. In his presence, you transform into Eskimoan people from the Arctic.)

Chuck, ain't it a shame that I'm back?
(Hey, Chuck Woolery. Guess who, bitch?)
Women come in the crowd, now look how I act
(At the sight of Jonathan Coachman, Females gain sexual pleasure in Section G, Rows 11-20. Coach responds differently to this event every time. Keep viewing for more.)
Penciling you as a little shorty, time goes tacks
(You are small. Truly, you are so small that you capable of entering the inner workings of a grandfather clock and manipulating its hands using thumbtacks. Coach requests for you to do this job for him.)
VIP at the Grammy Awards, now top that
(Coach has been nominated for Spoken Album of the Year at the 2007 Grammys for "Suck On That, Chuck." How you like them bananas, Mr. Woolery?)
With the credit card, the money coming in
(Credit card transactions equal monetary responsibility. This is good.)
Pirates don't party like the Ying Yang Twins
(Paul Burchill is always the designated driver for the Ying Yang Twins.)
Cadillac boys backing time to the end
(Men driving Cadillacs will bring Coach the fixed grandfather clock at the end of the day.)
We got the Complete Shot, we're all in
(Everyone takes the Complete Shot as their finisher. We don't know why, but we support it because the Coach supports it.)
Homeboy his name, we gotta represent
(The Complete Shot's new name is The Complete Homeboy. Please support this name change as well.)
If you're looking for change, this is where we drove again
(We will need to turn these Cadillacs around if you want to pick up that nickel back there.)

John Morrison

Johnny Nitro is no more. Tears fall on my face in the style of many corkscrew splashes. I do not understand why World Wrestling Entertainment had to turn him into John Morrison. Maybe he and WCW Monday Nitro are getting a divorce. Perhaps Morrison is Johnny Nitro's maiden name.

Song: "Hey, Damn, Ow"
Singer: John Morrison of the 60s rock band The Windows
Genre: Slow Motion Hair Movements in the Wind

Now listen
(Do you hear that? No screechy guitars anymore.)
This ain't no make believe
(This is not an elementary school play. This is community-college-student community theatre.)
Come on, open your eyes and see
(John Morrison wants you to pay attention this time. He knows that you're already watching, but really watch this time.)
Now get up, get up and follow me
(Leave your chair and trail behind John Morrison.)
I'm going to show you what the future will be
(John Morrison is Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Yes indeed.)

Too much wasted time you're gonna waste no more (no baby)
(John Morrison has given George Bailey a wake-up call. From now on, be nice to those people at the Savings & Loan, guy.)
Take this
(Take these lessons and learn from them. Don't let your daughter give you that ridiculous Christmas bell speech. Red Bull gives you wings. You are wrong, little actress.)
Rock on (hey)
(Rock on. Also, salutations.)
Going for you
(You have a lot of rocking going on for you. Good work.)
(Morrison likes to say hello twice just to make sure.)
I'm going to make you play
(Morrison is going to make you play Guitar Hero with him. Try to back out of it. He thinks he's actually playing guitar.)
(Morrison is making s'mores. You can't leave now.)
Yeah, ow
(You will stay, but you will hurt yourself as you stand in place.)
Unnhh, that's my friend, eh
(Morrison thinks you two are buddies. You should've said you were washing your hair tonight.)

(Morrison is forgetful.)
(Morrison forgot to get Hershey bars for the s'mores.)
(He has scalded you with melted marshmallows by accident. What kind of friend does that?)
Unnhh, that's my friend, eh
(Morrison hopes you will accept him for who he is.)
Take this
(Accept this friendship. He doesn't have Melina anymore. These days, he needs a solid support system.)
Rock on
(Rock on.)
(Morrison is really forgetful.)
Good for you
(At least he has greeted you four times.)

Jesse & Festus

I think that Biscuits should be Festus' nickname and Gravy should be given to Jesse. Festus is slow like a biscuit rising in the oven, while Festus is the quick cruiserweight who moves like watery gravy. Further, their finishing move should be called "Done Like Dinner." I just made a trillion dollars in five seconds.

Song: "Bizkits & Greyvee"
Singer: The Biscuits & Gravy Association of America
Genre: Alternative Down-Home Cooking

Biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Made me a man
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking took my virginity.)
Oh, biscuits and gravy
(Oh, small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
That ain't all that I have
(The Thanksgiving you believe they had this year is not the Thanksgiving they actually had.)
The old ham and egger
(Jesse and Festus had an elderly breakfast that day, but they did not enjoy it.)
Something you've always had
(You are an elder who only eats elderly breakfasts. Oh, snap.)

Don't you go bragging, don't you go messing with me
(Don't you fight them because they are eating.)
Better close your eyes because something is coming that you shouldn't see
(This ass kicking is TV 14 for L, S, V, and the dreaded D.)

Biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Fit for a king
(Jerry "The King" Lawler will join in on this feast if the table is underaged.)
Oh, biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Simple and clean
(They will sit on plastic-covered sofas as they eat dinner.)
But you stepped on my gravy
(But you stepped on their meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Now I got to be mean
(Jesse or Festus will step on your gravy. It's only fair.)

Big Daddy V

Why does Big Daddy V listen to Matt Striker? If I had the size and or the strength of Big Daddy V, I would keep Matt Striker in my pocket and we would go on cartoon adventures through the streets of London. In this case, Striker will have to listen to me. This is an adventure, Matt Striker. You said these adventures would not be fun, but who's wrong now? I could seriously eat you whole if I am hungry enough. Don't test me.

Song: "The Ballad of Large Father Five"
Singer: Enormous Uncle X
Genre: Largeness

Calling all cars, calling all cars
(Big Daddy V has summoned all car models from Japan into his stomach because he finds them more delicious than planes.)
Got pressure, he's taking over the airwaves, man, we can't control him
(Big Daddy V has sat on a radio tower. KWAQ 96.1 THE MUSIC FM does not play adult contemporary anymore.)
Oh my God, it's so dangerous
(Sweet Jesus. Big Daddy V is flinging his girth around like a weapon.)
Where is he at? In Gotham? Yes he is, man
(He is planning to eat Batman. If it's George Clooney's Batman, let him do it. Give him some room.)
This guy is about to get rain up, man (about to get rain up, man)
(He is going to lift the clouds up and channel the rain into space... twice.)
Oh my God
(Sweeter Jesus with Carlito Carribbean Cool.)

I'm about to end up with a release off the Richter
(Too much Mexican food for the former Viscera. His bowel movements shake tectonic plates.)
The pressure got through as I get mean and sink her
(Matt Striker has told him to throw sinks at women who do not want to be with him. Former Viscera rage engaged.)
Like a pig in a micro fridge left for Vikings
(He is keeping a whole pig in his refrigerator. It's not much, but Vikings may visit. Big Daddy V has to be prepared.)
Now you want to be living in the tri-fin
(One three-finned fish does not equal one Big Daddy V. Former Viscera is as hospitable as any kind of super fish.)
Right here, I'll straight up beat his writing
(If you cannot beat him as a host, you may try to defeat him via poem battle.)
All my rehearsing I die from pursing
(All of this constant hosting will be the death of Big Daddy V. He hasn't been this stressed since he bought a purse in that 80% off sale.)
There's no pursing when I spit up on my truth
(He has stopped buying purses because it makes him eat truth like an infant. He wants to eat truth like an adult.)
Worming up in the roof, living the proof
(Big Daddy V is subletting his home to either Scotty 2 Hotty or The Boogeyman. Whoever lives longest will get to live in his attic.)
Like now he know me, Daddy know me
(Big Daddy V is a great listener. He said you have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. He said you and your father don't talk much. He's there for you.)
I love you like Barney, not a Horny
(Big Daddy appreciates you. Also, Barney is better at receiving love than Hornswoggle. What else is new?)
Raunchy, when I do my thing at a Maury
(Our Barney-like love for Big Daddy V will be displayed on a future "Who My Baby Daddy?" episode of Maury. He never a ho to us. Never.)
And then all these rappers they straight bore me
(Why talk about money and jiggly women when you can talk about dinosaur adoration?)
And I don't need a damn jacket when I'm wigging on the screen
(Big Daddy V doesn't listen to his mother. He's going to get a cold, for goodness sake. Well, go ahead and get sick. No Vicks VapoRub for you.)
And you know I'm clean, and on my jeans, and then I bring it on the queen
(Big Daddy V's hygiene is excellent. He likes denim on himself, and he likes denim on Queen Elizabeth II.)
And then I bring it on Brooklyn then to end it
(This pair of Levi's is going to New York--end of story.)

Monday, November 19, 2007

Proper Ganda

Buy Wrestlemania 24 tickets already. Come on. Get it done. Even that guy with an arm attached to his face has a pair. What is your problem?



The next entry is not only welcome... it's allowed.


Watch me pull a hat out of this rabbit.

Magamazining: WCW/NWO Magazine #1 (Part 2)

If you do not read magazines, you are not human. Magazines are informative, witty, revealing, and engrossing. For instance, I would read a magazine over a pop-up book. In my opinion, pop-up books are pretentious. On the other hand, magazines never think they are better than you. They are great like that.

This week, I continue my perusal of the first installment of WCW/NWO Magazine from May 1998. The year 1998 represented the good old days of professional wrestling. We had World Championship Wrestling, the World Wrestling Federation, Extreme Championship Wrestling, and Battle Dome one year later. The moon pie costed much less than does it now. Today, moon pies are one-hundred-thousand dollars each and teen pregnancy runs rampant because of it. I hate moon pies and teen pregancy. What a terrible combination.

I cannot help but weep at the sight of this magazine. What has happened to wrestling? What has happened to us? Everything used to be so amazing. Time is a cruel and slutty mistress. In the cockles of my heart, Lodi holds a sign that says, "I miss you, World Championship Wrestling." Never let that sign fall, Lodi. Take off your goggles so you may do this job properly. There you go.

Hotline Buzz by Mark Madden: Mullet Buzz by Mark Madden

Mark Madden calls himself "The King of all Wrestling Media." Is that what a king is supposed to look like? If so, I wish to be a lowly peasant of wrestling media. I will comb my hair with straw and eat live pigeons whole.

Mark Madden hails Booker T as if he was some sort of king ("He's got the look. He's got the rap. He's got the size. I smell money.") I want to say that World Wrestling Entertainment took this kingly idea from Mark Madden and ran with it, but they didn't. Nobody took anything from Mark Madden. The only thing that happened during Mark Madden's career in World Championship Wrestling was "Mean" Gene Okerlund. How did you like a face full of Okerlund Magic, Madden? You got beat something fierce in 2000. Pamela Paulshock got you too. Go ahead and host your radio talk shows, sir. I have no use for you anymore. Spinaroonie your mullet and get out of here.

Twenty Two-Question Interview: Scotty Riggs Has An Opinion

Scotty Riggs has an opinion. I am ambivalent to Scotty Riggs, but I think he may have some important things to say. Your favourite finisher is Raven's DDT? Well, I'm an admirer too. Good work, Riggs. Although, if you ever express your opinion on depth perception, I will ignore you. Now, what does Scotty Riggs know about depth perception? He is wearing an eye patch. He does not know Jack nor Jill about depth perception. If anything, Riggs should put a second eye patch over his other eye. There will be no benefit in wearing a second eye patch. I just want to see him do it.

Riggs needs to gain my love somehow. Another eye patch will do the trick. He is my eigth favourite member of the WCW incarnation of Raven's Flock, but I'm sure he wants to move up in the ranks. Sick Boy is number seven because I pity whatever illness he has within his body. Here's to a speedy recovery, Sick Boy. May you one day become Healthy Man.

Alex is Wright: On the Mend

"Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright talks about a 1997 Thanksgiving Nitro match in which Prince Iaukea gave him his fourth concussion of that year. Say what you will about Alex Wright, but he had talent and a strange helping of charisma. When I win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes next year, you know how I will celebrate? I will do the Alex Wright Dance for one hour straight. While Prince Iaukea didn't mean to hurt him, I shudder and shiver to think would happen to my world if he did. As penance for his violent attempt, I would have sentenced him to five years under the Alex Wright gimmick. If you take Wright's greatness away, I will force his greatness upon you. Let that be a less to Prince No Shoes and all you wrestling fans out there who are anti-Wright.

When I wish upon a star, I wish for Alex Wright to debut in World Wrestling Entertainment. May McMahon's wrestling arena become his sleazy, homoerotic, German dance club. May he bring Queen Debra along for no apparent reason. I am wearing full attire tonight, but tomorrow, I will don neon speedos and a leather jacket (business casual attire) in homage to the man. Let this happen, Earth. Let me live in the dream.

NWO Merchandise: You're Gonna Look Sweeeeet (Not "Sweeeeeeeet", But Sweet Enough)

I think that WCW vs. NWO World Tour was a great game, but how am I supposed to look "sweeeeet" with it? I love 3D polygons and all, but how do I wear a wrestling game? I looked through the manual, only to find ways to play the game but not instructions on how to put it on my person. Below this game is a picture of Buff Bagwell wearing a very stylish and snazzy Gatsby Hat. Yes, he looks mighty Buff and Bagwellish in that hat. Then again, if he put a WCW vs. NWO World Tour cartridge on his head, he'd look like a fool. A fool with poor fashion sense. A fool without a Nintendo 64 console.

To the middle right of the page, my eyes fixate on the Outsiders Pin Set:

"The Black and White Express is proud to present this limited edition and numbered Outsiders pin set. They're going fast ance [sic] there [sic] gone, that's all sucker!"

Fifteen dollars? I better get one because they're going fast like an ance. Fifteen dollars is change for a chumpanzee when you get pins featuring Scott Hall and Kevin Nash in return. At the time (12 years young,) I would've given the Scott Hall pin to my best friend Luke. He was unsure if it was definitely cool or definitely not cool to drip white paint all over your clothes. Check out Scott Hall's attire, man. It's cooler than cool. Don't wipe that white paint off. Let it sit there for a while. Then, I would've handed over the Kevin Nash pin to my English teacher Mr. French. You see, Mr. French, play is an adjective because Kevin Nash said it was. Finally, I would've presented the Outsiders pin of Hall and Nash to my love Jenny. The bond between you and I made us the Outsiders of this Insider World. May we share this container of Dunkaroos forever, my "sweeeeet" treasure. May Hollywood Hogan marry us at a future NWO Monday Nitro:

Hogan: "Will you take this girl as your lawfully wedded wife '4 Lyfe'?"
Me: "Yes. With this Wolfpac hand gesture, I thee wed."

Our reception will be at the Nitro Grill.

This Is Your Life, Chris Jericho: Wrestler-Turned-Actor-Turned-Wrestler Again

Chris Jericho reflects on his career leading up to his reign as WCW Cruiserweight Champion. I don't think I need to read his book anymore. I see this entire life story on this page:

Age 10: Posed for a school picture.
Age 27: He grew up a lot. He also looked scary in purple, white, and green wrestling tights.
Age 8: Travelled to the days of his youth to pose as a hockey player.
Age 18: He grew back up, but not enough. Jericho posed for a photograph on his way to the prom. He had red eyes because he was working part-time as a man possessed.
Age 27: He continued to toy with time. The time-space continuum is not a plaything, Christopher. He defeated Juventud Guerrera, kept his Cruiserweight Title, took Juventud's mask, then stuck out his tongue. His life dream of sticking out his tongue for a picture was fulfilled.
Age 28: He won a plaque. World Championship Wrestling enjoyed his time-travelling adventures with Ralphus.
Age 15: Jericho met Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. I envision a dragon riding a steamboat. This image is amusing but highly impossible.

If Chris Jericho returns with a finishing move that involves a dragon breathing fire from a nearby steamboat as Jericho suplexes his opponent into the fire, all of you owe me a potluck dinner. Nothing from Thailand, please.

The Macho Man Wins the Harvard Lampoon's 1998 Real Man Of The Year Award

Randy gets a trophy which can be seen at the bottom left of this page. Randy Savage is the man sitting in the chair. I don't know about you, but when first I saw this picture, I thought Randy was this guy named Rick I know from college. Fortunately, Rick wears a "Badness" bandana, so I could tell the difference.

In the upper right hand corner, Randy Savage celebrates his award with Grimace by his side. Together they stand in a library--the safe haven of all members of the New World Order. Somewhere in the back, Scott Norton is reading Danielle Steel. Now, to the matter at hand: Savage and Grimace. You son of a mother. Grimace refuses to take my calls. I am a big fan of you, Macho Man, but I am starting to wonder if you are worth the praise. First you take Grimace away from me; soon enough you will take the Hamburglar and Birdie as well. I'm this close to picking up a ring bell and striking you in the throat with it. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. It's time to tussle, Slim Jim.

Talking Point with Mike Tenay: Bowtie with Mike Tenay

If CW's hit teen drama Gossip Girl has taught me anything, it has taught me that bowties get you many ladies. I know where you are going with this bowtie business, Tenay. I see your seductive look. I am not a lady but if I was, I would be into bowties. As a fact, women don't want a sissy man in a simple tie; they want a man's man who knows how to put a bow around his neck. In modern times, one bowtie is equivalent to three bottles of Axe body spray. Yes, three bottles of Axe body spray. In the distance, I hear the sound of ladies taking off their undergarments at the very notion of such a power.

In this article, Mike Tenay can't wait for a match between Bret Hart and Curt Hennig. Tenay runs down the accomplishments of Bret's late father Stu. He says, "Stu fathered a dozen children, and all eight boys have, or had, some connection to the wrestling business." Everybody knows that Stu Hart was a babymaking machine, but how will that help Bret in a match against Curt? Would Bret put on the Sharpshooter, then try to get Curt pregnant as he turns him over? We all know Curt could reverse that move. Would Hennig try to bed Bret in mid-Perfect Plex? Nobody wants to see that. I don't even know if that's physically possible. They might have to use some sort of swing. Damn your manly musk, Tenay. My mind needs a wet-vac cleaning.

Official WCW Merchandise: Kimberly Page Tries to Win My Heart by Volunteering to Paint My Yellow Wall

Before I address Kimberly's everlasting gaze towards me, I want all of you to get on the Electronic Bay right now and purchase a Sting pennant. Nobody belongs on a pennant as much as Sting does. In World Championship Wrestling, Sting was a brooding and fallen character who sought vengeance on unjust powers. Is his plight pennant worthy? Yes it is. Cheer for him as if you are cheering for the Tampa Bay Rays. Go, Sting, go. Let your depression and anger fuel you towards victory. I am still waiting for the day that Raven is featured on a See 'n Say.

Now, Kimberly Page holds a paint roller in a seductive manner. Masterpiece In Motion? She's trying to master my piece, alright. By piece I mean my nether regions. By master I mean master my nether regions. I am putting my goodies under lock and key, Mrs. Page. I fear for my and your well-being. As you can see in the poster's background, the Nitro Girls are not very good painters. All they did was write Nitro and place handprints on the wall. I will pay for their services in lemon squares but nothing more. I would offer Kimberly a lemon square, but I don't want to make physical contact with her. She is tempted and I don't want to tempt her further. Plus, Fyre notices things.

WCW Poster: Don't Eat Crisco, Watch Disco

What a sad state of affairs. In this picture, Disco pleads his case to the readers. "Come on, people. The Disco Inferno is still hip. Why can't you give my music and I a chance?" Oh, Sir Inferno. I feel your pain. The fans of World Championship Wrestling do not know quality when they see it. Please, continue to wear bellbottom tights. Do not shy away from hustling up and down the aisle. The critics don't appreciate you like I do, Disco. I am bedridden due to Disco Fever. Your Chartbuster is ten times better than the Stone Cold Stunner. In a match between Disco Inferno and Stone Cold Steve Austin, I take Disco. Beer drinking, bird flipping, and cussing are out of style. The mirrorball will never shatter. Even if the mirrorball did shatter, you know what that means? Seven years of disco dancing.

Back Cover: Blurry Hugh Morrus Presents WCW/nWo Slamboree

Slamboree airs May 17 on Pay-Per-View. Hugh Morrus will be there. Will he be strong and survive? Will he be ruthless and win? I don't know nor do I care. I am just glad that Hugh Morrus is the focus of a wrestling poster. I find his rise to Pay-Per-View poster superstardom amusing. I find his success funny. I find it humourous. Nobody else does, though. Ask around. Ask Steve Austin.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 30th

ECW Championship Triple Threat Match
CM Punk (c) vs. John Morrison vs. Zack Morris

When I go down the entrance aisle
I'll ride on Screech all of the while
I don't ever think Johnny would expect that
By the time he styles his hair
Preppy will swingy preppy chairs
And I'll be pinning Morrison for the 1-2-3 victory
It's real swell 'cause I'm winning the belt

If Punk accepts the test
I'll try to do my best
But I just made out with Kelly last night
Hiding low from the ring
Finding weapons to bring
If I can trick him to get drunk, it'll be real swell
It's real swell 'cause I'm winning the belt

It's real swell 'cause I'm winning the
It's real swell 'cause I'm winning the
It's real swell cause I'm winning the belt

The Questions:
Who wins and how?



The magamazining proceeds.


Come to Kenneth's party. T.I. will be there.

Magamazining: WCW/NWO Magazine #1 (Part 1)

I love magazines. They are my favourite thing to read before appointments. Sometimes, as a younger version of myself, I would hang out in doctors' offices and dentists' waiting rooms reading ten magazines at once. Back then, I needed to know what was important and interesting in life in 100 pages or less. Today, I still look through magazines. They are the greatest and most socially relevant literature you will ever see. Why read books? Who wants that much text? I dislike books because they have little to no pretty pictures. Don't describe a forest if you don't have a forest to show me, famous writers of the past.

This week, I unveil a new feature article for The Swerved. Magamazining will look at the fascinating wrestling and grapping-related magazines of yesteryear. I will comment on the wrestlers, feuds, and storylines we all know and adore; I will analyze excerpts and passages from various issues with educational commentary. If there is enough time after that, I will teach wrestling fans how to read (There is never enough time for that.) The Swerved likes to get nostalgic so let me get freaky all up in that nostalgina of history. I'll be gentle. I'll hold the magazines close but not too close. I just want to explore magazines. Why do you have to judge me? Exploring a magazine is a beautiful experience.

In my first installment, I take a gander at the first edition of WCW/NWO Magazine--originally released in the late spring of 1998. Stick around and bask in the memories of World Championship Wrestling and the New World Order. Oh, La Parka. I have never and will never leave your side. You mean too much to me. Don't cry for me, Vincent. The great days may be over, but I will never forget you either.

WCW/NWO Magazine: Issue 38; May 1998
(click images to enlarge)

Cover Page: Scott Hall and Kevin Nash = Wolfpackers

The Outsiders appear to be worthy cover models. Their sunglasses are sunglassier than usual. Scott Hall pulls a Joey Gladstone and asks the fans of World Championship Wrestling to "Cut. It. Out." Kevin Nash wears a bandana all wrong and presents to the readers their t-shirts they had made at the local NWO Mall. In my opinion, The Outsiders are one of the best tag teams in the history of professional wrestling. Why? Did you ever see The Hart Foundation wear matching mall t-shirts? How about The Midnight Express? How about Norman Smiley and Shark Boy? No. I rest my case. This cover is worth $4.95 Canadian alone.

Editor's Note: Whose Side is Publisher Colin Bowman on?

Colin Bowman pleads his case with the creation of WCW/NWO Magazine. He stresses that the transformation has not changed his views nor standing in life ("This is not a sell-out!") He is not with WCW and he is not with the NWO. You know what that means? Colin Bowman is part of the World Wrestling Federation. Damn you, Bowman. Take your Attitude and get out of here. I don't need your stones that are cold. I don't need your Mike Tyson crotch chops. Let me enjoy my WCW in peace. Mike Schiavone called. He said you suck.

Tag Talk: Lady Professes Her Love for the Juice

World Championship Wrestling's mail box is filled with interesting insight. Tag Talk allows wrestling fans to chime in about the characters they love and hate on a national and international stage. Rebecca Thornside of Cincinnati, Ohio is but one of several fans who sound off on 1998 WCW:

Dear Tag Talk,

I think the best move in the world was for Juventud Guerrera to take off that mask! Although I know it was a sad day for him, many of my female friends felt quite the opposite after seeing his face. Chris Jericho may call Juvi "Quasimodo" but to the women out there, he belongs way up their in the HOT category. Jericho, you did the women wrestling fans a favor by showing the real man behind the mask. The heat rose in Cincinnati the night Juventud took off his mask!

Juventud Guerrera stars as Rugiero Noreaga, a professional wrestler by day and a professional lover by night in "Night Horse and the Passion Police" (the telenovela in my mind); Rebecca Thornside will most definitely enjoy this show. In the program, Lizmark Jr tries hide the fact that he is actually Lizmark Jr's evil twin, Bisquick Jr, from his entire family. Ciclope attempts to assassinate Santa Claus to make Halloween superior to Christmas. Lastly, Silver King falls in love with a poor but gorgeous maiden named Pewterella. Will Silver Queen find out about the love affair between a man and woman from opposing classes? Tune in never because a show this great will never make it to television.

WCW Superbrawl VIII Review: The Unstoppable Force Meets the Immovable Object: Bill Goldberg fights Brad Armstrong

I don't believe in the Armstrong Curse; I just believe in the Armstrongs. The author of this review claims that Goldberg is a "man who wastes no time." Now that I think about it, Goldberg should not have been called the Man, but the Man With Great Organizational Skills. At Superbrawl VIII, Goldberg defeats Armstrong with the Jackhammer (Goldberg's time management gimmick would make this move the Rolodex) in just over 2:16 to continue Goldberg's streak of 88 and 0, 110 and 0, or whatever number the WCW Announce Team thinks it to be at that moment.

1997 WCW Awards Presentation: 4 Pharmacistman Arn Anderson Receives Mad Props

Double A receives a plaque for being special. Is he really that special? I agree with the magazine that Arn Anderson is "probably the most underrated wrestler of this and every generation." At the same time, I have won numerous participation ribbons in my career. Don't I deserve a plaque, a WCW Monday Nitro on TNT polo shirt, and a pair of glasses that was once owned by a pharmacist? I will answer all of the aforementioned questions with an emphatic yes. Yes, I do deserve all of those things. Arn Anderson is the Enforcer, but I am the master of balancing an egg on a spoon while walking. Oh, I won two participation ribbons for that trick. How are you going to one-up that, Arn? You're not. End of story. I just spinebustered your mind, didn't I?

Hall and Nash Address the Readers: Well, I Never

Kevin Nash points at me or at the facial hair on his chin while Scott Hall chews on his invisible toothpick. "Listen up you computer geeks!" No, I will not listen for I am not a computer geek. I am a computer processing unit enthusiast. I don't care how cool you are, Hall and Nash. You cannot talk to fans like that. If I go to, are you just going to steal my pocket protector and give me a wedgie? Well, you won't. I don't own a pocket protector; I own a pen protector. And how can you give a wedgie to a man who goes commando? Yes, I do not wear undergarments because the ladies requested so. The middleman is gone for their benefit, not mine. In conclusion, my week will not be spent "getting hooked up" on any "action" which involves the two of you. If it's too "sweeeeeeeet" to miss, I'll miss it. By the way, you used the letter e too much. You have deprived third world nations of e. Thanks a bundle, trundles. You guys are entertaining, but do you know how to spell?

Profile on Kimberly: Don't Look at Me Like That (There are Children Present)

Kimberly Page, the leader of the WCW Nitro Girls, gives that come hither look to the handsome readers of the magazine. For shame, Kim. Does the sanctity of marriage mean anything to you? Sure, your figure is very alluring, but I know that Diamond Dallas Page would hit the Diamond Cutter on me if I was to ever touch you. He can execute that Diamond Cutter from anywhere, fair madam. Do you know who tore down the Berlin Wall? Lots of people, but secretly, Diamond Dallas Page slapped a Diamond Cutter on that wall all the way from the United States of America. Your unspoken request for my body to do things to your body is tempting though I will have to deny it. Physical relations is physical relations, but I don't need DDP there. He'll spoil the mood. You have felt his bang, but I do not want to.

Let me know if Fyre is available, though.

The Nitro Girls Poster: Kimberly Page Tries to Seduce Me Again

Why, Kimberly, why? No wonder why you are separated from DDP. I should stop wearing jeans and hats that fit me. They are gaining the attention of too many females. I want to inspire lives. I don't want to ruin them with my attractiveness.

The Nitro Girls pose for a picture that has too much pink in it. Spice is at the top doing Jazz Hands or New Age Pantomime. At the bottom left of the picture, Whisper is getting ready to marry Shawn Michaels and she doesn't even know it. She's humming Sexy Boy in her head. Kimberly Page is humming my theme song ("Baby It's You" by JoJo) even though I don't want her to. Fyre is there ignoring me as always. Why you gotta play me like that, girl? I just want to get to know you. Since World Wrestling Entertainment loves to show divas on television, why don't they form their own version of the Nitro Girls? Call them the RAWettes and have them do a jig for two minutes. The Nitro Girls worked because they entertaining for the precise amount of time they danced on the entranceway or near the announce desk. They entered, they danced, and they were out of there without taking screen time away from the wrestlers. Two minutes of Nitro Girls was wonderful. Ten minutes of non-wrestling RAW Divas trying to act or do comedy is not.

WCW Hotline Advertisement: "Mean" Gene Okerlund is Watching Me Undress

In a certain light, such as this one, Gene Okerlund scares the human waste out of me. If I call the WCW Hotline on a Saturday night, will he slip a drug in my drink and have his way with me? I do not want a made-for-television movie based off of Okerlund taking advantage of a young and impressionable professional wrestling analyst. I am the head cheerleader at my high school, for goodness sake. I want to go to Yale to get my degree in fashion design. I will not let Gene gain entry into my virginal garden. For those of you who wish to go back in time to the year 1998 to call the hotline, remember to do so with caution. Sure, someone like Mark Madden will do no harm from Thursday to Tuesday, but Wednesday night is his time to party. The cost is only $1.99 per minute yet the trauma that results from the WCW Hotline experience costs more than money. It can cost you your innocence.

Back Issues: Oldies and Goodies

Part one of reminiscing about WCW ends with the magazine asking you to reminisce about WCW. For the low price of six dollars, you can own your very own copy of WCW Magazine featuring Steve Michael in the 4 Horsemen. One issue from 1995 features Hulk Hogan cupping his ear. He's listening for the arrival of a delivery truck that holds his lost muscle mass. Out of the featured issues, my favourite one comes in the form of issue 16 from 1996. The cover depicts The Giant in "The Hotseat". Unless my eyes are fooling me, "The Hotseat" looks like a forest. The Giant is getting ready to chokeslam a coyote. The Giant wanders the wilderness in search of his lost compass. The Giant is going to kill the man who shot Bambi's mother. Get that guy, pre-Big Show. Get him good.


Monday, November 05, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 29th

WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. Lieutenant Dan

I think I can't move
Came back too early
Lower limbs are weak
Because of surgery

It hurts to run
Don't really want to
I should walk instead
Up and down a flat enough surface

I just need more time off (more time off)
Or my knees will both fall off (both fall off)
I just need more time off (more time off)
Or my knees will both fall off (both fall off)

Eat your shrimp ladies and gentleman
It's all-you-can-eat at Bubba Gump's

The Question:

Who wins and how?



Thank you, socks that are red, for defeating those cocky purple mountains.


Please ration that can of ass whip. It's the last one.

My Power 25

In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, let's take the wayback machine way back into the month of May in the year 2006 Anno Domini. Some tune about putting your business up some girl's business was the mega hit; Pepsi was much sweeter than Coca-Cola; the news said eggs were good for your health, then said they were bad for your health; a penny got you one cent. I will forever remember these days. They are quite special to me. It's too bad we will never see that period return.

At the time, World Wrestling Entertainment's website introduced a list entitled The Power 25 which showcased the best and brightest of the current RAW, Smackdown, and ECW wrestling scenes. In response to their list, I created my own. How about we take a second look at what is sure to be the greatest list you have and will ever see? No? You say you don't want to? Well, too bad. I'm putting my foot and the feet of North American down. Yes, The Swerved has that level of foot authority.



Myself, in conjunction with The Academy of Columnist Arts & Sciences, ranks the Top 25 Superstars in wrestling with Power 25. The rankings are based on charisma, machismo, charismo and overall machisma, as well as intangibles. Be sure to be able to count to the number 25 for Power 25. Here are the rankings:

Note: Each week, Mobile Alert subscribers get the Top 24 and a sandwich (5 years after the rest of the world).

1) John Cena

Women and children love John Cena. Males ages 18 to 34 hate him. What's my point here? You see, if you took a woman who loves John Cena and mated her with a man who hated John Cena, you'd end up with a child who thinks John Cena is okay. Therefore, he's #1 this week. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. Cheese.

(As John Cena heals and recovers from his pectoral injury, what do you think he's doing right now to pass the time? I picture him opening neighbourhood pickle jars via STFU, but then again, I'm not John Cena. Maybe he's rolling around on the grass with his buddies to a song from his You Can't See Me LP, but he's already done that before. I do not see him engaging in that completely spontaneous activity again.)

2) Umaga

If I was a Cuban dictator, I'd want a Samoan savage on my side. Umaga is definitely one of the toughest big men in WWE today. Also, I think we'd have so much fun together. We could eat at T.G.I. Friday's on a Sunday. We could watch the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and hold each other when either of us felt like crying. Hell, if I was Armando Alejandro Estrada, I'd buy a tandem bike just to see the joy on Umaga's face as we ride in the park. He's a future megastar in the making.

(As I have said numerous times in the past, Umaga is a vicious Samoan savage, yet he has a seamstress who puts the likeness of his face and his name on his tights. I do not know how Umaga conveys his design ideas to the seamstress. I cannot wrap my mind around the image of Umaga looking at colour swatches. To whoever makes Umaga's attire for him, thank you for the amusing mental pictures that come about with your existence.)

3) The Rock

He doesn't wrestle for WWE anymore, but I pretend he still does. Sometimes, I tape a picture of him on my television while I'm watching RAW. If I suspend my belief, it looks like he's still there. No, he didn't leave. He just went out to get some groceries. I'm sure he'll be back. He will be back, right?

(To those of you who look down on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for Hollywooding himself up real good, I look down on you. If I had to choose between making sweet on-screen love to beautiful actresses and taking sour chairshots from Cro-Magnon doofuses, I would go for the former. At least he gets the chance to star in movies without the WWE Films logo plastered all over it. At least he gets the chance to take ambitious projects like Southland Tales. What would have become of him if he stayed with WWE? In some feud, somebody tells him a secret backstage in front of two cameras, then in the next segment, that same person throws poop in his face for laughs? I'll take buddy comedy with Seann William Scott as the wisecracking sidekick over that.)

4) The Great Khali

This behemoth is pretty big. How big is he? The Great Khali is so big that, on an airplane, he uses first class instead of economy because he feels more comfortable with additional leg room. Hiyo.

("Hiyo!" was a famous saying by one Ed McMahon. Hiyo is also short for hiyonnaise, which I put in my sandwiches for lunch on a daily basis.)

5) The Spirit Squad

Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey have certainly surprised wrestling fans with their ability to cut several rugs with tremendous athletic ability, super cool dance moves, and fantastic cheers. Who will be able to legitimately compete with these young men? Actually, I'm about to form a cheerleading group as well, so watch out.


And we are... the Liveliness Regiment!

(Sadly, The Liveliness Regiment was squashed in early 2007 by Deterioration Z--a stable led by "The Temporal Killer" Bentley Borst Bennessey and "The Pulmonary Child" Ron Chimels. I didn't know whom either of those guys were at the time, but I know them now. Poor Refrigerator. He never saw that Ultra Boot coming. Chimels can hit that Saccharine Throat Ditty from anywhere, I tells you with pluralized verbs.)

6) Edge

On this day, he sees clearly. That's good enough for me.

(I thought I knew Edge. I thought I knew Edge. Well, today I've learned that I'll never know him. I know his real name is Adam Copeland, but he might as well be named Stranger Stranger. As he appears to be returning at Survivor Series, perhaps he can take a few minutes out of his Pay-Per-View run-in to participate in a game of 20 Questions with me. Does Edge like onions? I don't know the answer; that is why I want to play 20 Questions with him.)

7) JBL

He's the United States Champion, meaning he is the champion of Alaska and Hawaii too. Say, do you know what that lady over there just said? I don't know. Hawaii. I mean Alaska. I mean... oh fiddlesticks.

(By the time this article was posted on The 'Pit, Jayfield Bayfield Layfield had lost his WWE United States Championship to Bobby Lashley. I am not fan of young Robert for I see him as a poor respresentation of the United States of America. For instance, look at his pose with arms spread from his sides and index fingers pointed in opposite directions. If you compare his reach to a common elementary school map of the country, his arms only go from Utah to Alabama. That's not the entire United States. Whom is he fooling?)

8) May 19th

Did somebody say... three minutes?

(May 19th was the day that Kane's parents died in a fire. May 19th was also the day that See No Evil was released in threatres nationwide. May 19th is a curse and a blessing. May 19th is like an electric-eel-guarded ice cream cake.)

9) Mark Henry

I'm the World's Strongest Man's World's Strongest Fan. That pun alone justifies his ascent to the top of the Smackdown roster. If you're still not convinced, his beard is probably able to hold a town's entire water supply, so there.

(Mark Henry calls himself the Silverback Gorilla, even though I've never seen a gorilla wear tights with sparkly attire in the wild. Perhaps I need to take my head out of the pages of National Geographic and put it into the pages of something useful like wrestling magazines. Yes WWE Magazine, that is a very nice picture of a bikini diva straddling an inner tube while she's eating a popsicle. I do not get symbols nor metaphor, so I assume she just wants a refreshing treat. Although, it's November. I don't understand.)

10) Carlito

The Caribbean's own manages to make it into the Top 10 for the first time in a long time. Why? Because he said he could get me a lot of apples. I feel like an apple pie right now, but the apples haven't arrived yet. Where's the apples, Carlito? Where are they? Carlito will be number nine when I see them.

(Carlito has never met an apple that he liked. There is a reason why Carlito is in limbo at the moment--the day he finally eats an entire apple is the day that WWE treats him with respect. Until that time arises, may he continue to springboard from the middle rope in slow motion. He will hit that elbow when he finishes that apple, consarnit.)

11) Shelton Benjamin

Wearing sunglasses has made this gifted performer one of the most popular wrestlers in the business. Why does he wear shades? Cause the future is so bright. Also, he probably gets nervous talking in front of a live audience for fear that he may screw up. Any way you put it, the word is GQ, baby.

(Shelton B. Ware has the hair colour, but is in dire need of a parrot. Perhaps Charlie Hass can dress up in a parrot costume and perch himself onto Shelton's shoulder. This is a poor idea compared to Mama Benjamin because at least Mama Benjamin had potential. To be honest, I thought they went in the wrong direction with her. She should've been to Shelton Benjamin what Donovan McNabb's flashy mother was to Donovan McNabb in Chunky Soup commercials. She could have worn a sequined top and pants in the style of Shelton's tights, along with sunglasses with star-shaped lenses.)

12) Mick Foley

Hhhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyyy Fooooooollllleeeeyyyyyy. Your model train maintenance skills are mediocre at best.

(When Mick Foley has something to promote, he will be on World Wrestling Entertainment programming without question. When Terry Funk announces his first retirement ever, he will be facing Mick Foley a millisecond after said announcement.)

13) Booker T

King Booker takes his Power 25 throne with the help of Queen Sharmell, Jester Stevie Ray, and Big T by accident. Now can you procure that, pppeeeeaaaassssaaaannnntttt?!

(Are Booker T and Sharmell T headed to TNA? Do you want funny jokes on your cell? If so, text FUNNY on your mobile phone now to 52550. By doing so, you are sure to have people rolling in the aisles with laughter. "How did Booker T cross the road? He did it by walking?" Get superficial buttholish friends now with the funniest jokes in the entire galaxy. Text FUNNY on your mobile to 52550. Standard texting rates apply. "Why did Booker T leave WWE? Because they always looked crown on him." Many a ha ha.)

14) Chloe

Torrie's pooch is a blue chipper, who is rumoured to become a part of the new ECW. I propose they sell t-shirts that read "What's up, dog?" with an angry Chloe on the front and her tush pusher buttocks on the back. I'd buy at least half of a shirt.

(At the recent Cyber Sunday Pay-Per-View event, Torrie Wilson was a Washington Redskins football player. On the October 29th edition of Monday Night RAW, Torrie was a player for the Philadelphia Eagles. Can the National Football League offer and allow a trade such as that one to occur? Torrie Wilson for Torrie Wilson? I don't know who is losing in that trade, but somebody is on the bitter end of a sweet and sour stick. Because she is a WWE Diva, she may be an excellent wide receiver and all, but Torrie is a gamble at that position at best.)

15) Rob Van Dam

Mr. Money in the Bank may have lost his Intercontinental Championship, but it couldn't have come at a better time. In fact, it couldn't have come at a better EXTREME.

(I followed the old ECW because of Rob Van Dam. He reminded me of an actor whose name and appearance was quite similar to Rob--comedian Rob Schneider. In The Hot Chick, Rob Schneider had educated feet. One went to Harvard, the other went to Yale, but the rest of his body went to Hamburger University College in hopes to transfer to Cheeseburger U. So many of my favourites have left World Wrestling Entertainment for a life of stupid relaxation and dumb happiness, but at least Chris Jericho is returning. I can't wait to see him come back to RAW to thunderous applause, then struggle to win in a feud with Snitsky one month later.)

16) Triple H

The King of Kings is low on the list, but not for long. The imminent return of D-Generation X has got people going "D-X is coming back? Alright. I'm okay with that. Shouldn't be too bad when I think about it. We'll see." I'm just as psyched. I'm running happily in the streets giving out lollipops, screaming "Suck it!" to complete strangers. I'm about ready to crotch chop, if only I had a crotch.

(Triple H and Shawn Michaels return as D-Generation X for "one night only" on the November 5th edition of Monday Night RAW. I pray that Triple H's new shirt will be there. The autumn colours should blind Randy Orton and Umaga into submission. I plan to purchase Triple H's throwup shirt to ward off evil in straw village homes.)

17) Rey Mysterio

The masked superstar and WWE Champion has got his backside handed to him by Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Kane, and JBL, but he has survived regardless. Plus, he did it for Eddie, so here he is.

(I recommend Rey Mysterio's The Biggest Little Man 3-Disc DVD collection. With these digital video discs, you will witness why I became a tremendous admirer of Rey Mysterio in the first place. You see, in World Championship Wrestling, he was the fantastic high flyer, but most of all, he wrestled in tights that had question marks all over the place; I found that cooler than cool. If I were ever to enter the squared circle, I would wear tights full of exclamation points. If I had to guess, my tag partner would be sporting a full body suit of em dashes.)

18) Bobby Lashley

He's Wayne Brady. We've been through this before, so I don't want to mention it again. Please play Scenes from a Hat, Wayne. That's my favourite game.

(Donald Trump's Bobby Lashley has lost his one-and-only-love-for-now in the form of Kristal Marshall. WWE relieved her of whatever her services she was providing to focus on better talents such as Kelly Kelly's bra. That bra is a wonderful. She must of bought that bra in Sears or something. Anyway, you are free, Kristal. Flap your fantastic behind and fly. You are out of your cage.)

19) Mickie James

Who psychoer than Mickie James? I hope nobody.

(In lieu of Candice Michelle, I believe that Mickie James must take on the monster that is The Glamorous also known as WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix. Between the two, I do not know which entrance theme I like more, but I will base my fandom on the female with the most pleasant song. When I think of Mickie's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store. When I listen to Beth's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store... holding Excalibur. It's a tie.)

20) Kurt Angle

He's an Olympic gold medallist and one of the best wrestlers in WWE history. Also, his neck must be like one of those Fisher-Price push toys by now. Tiny shards of bones must be bouncing freely around in there like colourful balls. Sweet!

(Kurt Angle in Total Nonstop Action wrestling appears to be healthier, but his popularity has taken a major hit. I cannot comprehend how TNA could stifle the mystique of Kurt Angle in so little time, but they managed to do it. Five years ago, if you were to tell me that Kurt Angle would be wrestling Sting, I would've been somersaulting with excitement into wet cement without care. Now that Kurt Angle and Sting are facing off in TNA, I feel sleepy in response. I am going to take a nap. At this time next year, I want to Sting to head over to WWE to face the Undertaker. This is how I wish to be compensated.)

21) Finlay

The fightingest Irishman manages to set Smackdown on fire without one stereotypical characteristic. Leprechaun Lucky Charms Rainbow Pot O' Gold Four Leaf Clover Guinness Shaquille O'Neal.

(As Vince McMahon gains a son, Finlay loses a cohort. One million shillelaghs cannot make up the absence of one fighting leprechaun. There is a hole in the heart of Fit Finlay. As much as he wants to fill it up with Rey Mysterio beatings, he simply cannot. Only Hornswoggle can make his Irish world complete. Finlay brought you into WWE, Hornswoggle. Why have you left him lonesome?)

22) Michael Cole

Think about your greatest accomplishment in life -- that one defining moment of your existence that will be remembered and admired for all eternity. It must be something that cannot be topped or duplicated for it is a glorious feat of epic proportions. Do you have it? Good. Michael Cole made it possible. He's waiting for a thank you card right now.

(Michael Cole and JBL work well as a tandem consisting of a dork and a rich Texan. In wrestling, as in life, you are either an awkward goof or a rich person from Texas. What is it going to be? The decision is in your dorky hands, Texas Rich.)

23) Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid tagged with God. What did you do? Tag with Jesus or something? Big deal.

(I bet Shawn Michaels finds it sacrilegious to use products that will unnaturally grow hair atop his head. It seems like his long hair will be stringy for a while. I know Jerry "The King" Lawler has hair plugs, but that must be against the rules for Shawn too. The Lord himself uses heavenly fertilizer, but it appears as though he is running out, which is too bad for Shawn. I hope he finds a nice alternative. Perhaps Vince McMahon will lend Shawn his fedora of many colours and styles that was somehow surgically implanted to his noggin, then wasn't.)

24) Trish Stratus

The seventy-four time WWE Women's Champion may have dislocated her shoulder, but one thing she will locate is another shot at the strap. Watch out, Mickie James -- Trish Stratus brought Beth. I'm scared at the thought, or will be in a week or two when WWE further explains the storyline.

(The last thing I saw Trish Stratus in was a reality show for the CBC in Canada. She was the host of a show that was searching for the next great Second City comedian. I did not have the patience to watch the series (even with Trish as the host,) but I assume somebody won. For that somebody to not be yours truly is a super bodacious travesty of travestical proportions. Actually, I'm guessing my talents are better served for larger deals, like late evening casino performances on the weekend.)

25) MNM

Melina, that guy, and that other guy are the greatest team in wrestling today, albeit they're not a tag team anymore. Sure, Melina and that guy got fired by Theodore Long, but that other guy is still good. I like it when he does that thing. He's good at that.

(I visited John Morrison's Palace of Wisdom on a recent vacation. It was pretty small. Joey Mercury also stopped in to visit, but wisdom hit him square in the face by accident.)