Monday, December 15, 2008

A Very Special Holiday Message from The Swerved

Here's to a great 2008...

And a fine 2009...



Who swerves The Swerved?


Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

Year 2008

As we approach the end of the year, let us reminisce about World Wrestling Entertainment in a manner that somehow produces a thirty-minute Christmas special. I will wear my Santa hat, slip into my Christmas chaps, and tell stories about the most entertaining events of 2008. Whether you are a voluptuous woman or a muscly man, you will be in a red negligee and sit before me near the crackling fire. Next, we will gather the neighbourhood children into the living room and regale them with tales about oily men who fight over jewelry to wear around their waist. Also, we shall force them to visualize themselves as the recipient of a stalling, gorilla press slam. Once your adversary has grabbed you down there, you will never want to be touched in a different way again.

Over the holidays, I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah. Despite the existence of other holidays, I do not think they count as days worthy of a winter celebration, at least to the people who matter. As you prepare to open your presents and spend quality time with your loved ones, think of the gifts that WWE has brought you this year. Before a inebriated, obese Santa Claus causes thousands of dollars of structural damage to your home in a failed attempt to enter your place from a skinny chimney, don’t forget to leave an extra cookie and glass of milk for wrestling's greatest gift giver: Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Vince's steadfast domination of the wrestling business fills my heart with glee, an unknown sticky substance, and more glee. Last week, as I came across yet another three-hour edition of Monday Night RAW -- the longest running, episodic program on cable television if you do not consider about three or four other prominent shows -- I conjured up an idea. At the conclusion of 2008, why bash Mr. McMahon and the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment when I can praise them? Why express my own opinions when I can tow the company line? This particular philosophy worked for Gerald Brisco. Why can't it work for me? Why can't it work for us?

In honour of the 2008 Slammy Awards, I thought it would be rather fitting to hold my own ceremony for the benefit of the sports entertainers who entertain us in a sporty manner, week after week, day after day, and tedious show after tedious show. Winners will receive a plastic bowling trophy, while runners-up will get a participation ribbon. Why, nobody asks? Participation is important. I learned this lesson at a classy, black tie, holiday orgy once. Fruitcake tastes different now. Fruitcake tastes dirty and shameful, but I have no regrets. Don't look at me like that. I have my limits. Nobody was hurt.

Superstar of the Year

Nominees: Chris Jericho, John Cena, Triple H, Mike Adamle, and John Cena, disguised in a fake moustache and monocle

Winner: Mike Adamle

This year, Mike Adamle pulls a Mike Adamle to win the biggest award in the history of The Swerved. In the end, he fooled you into thinking that he was an inept, awkward, and uninteresting broadcaster and brand general manager when he was really the wrestling superstar of 2008. He fooled all of you. Do not hate Mike for his brilliant commentary inspires children around the world to follow their dreams. Do not hate Mike’s ability to wow arena crowds with his vast knowledge of the sport of professional wrestling. Whatever you do, remember to bask in the glory that is Mike Adamle for he may not be the hero we want at this time, but he is the hero that we deserve. I would personally hand Mike Adamle this prestigious award, but at this very moment, he is busy saving various animals and old ladies from burning buildings. Even though Stephanie and Shane McMahon do not think fondly of him, they will know about the Legend of Mike Adamle soon enough. Now, fight with protect padding like no other American Gladiator before you, my man. Dodge those tennis balls and hit that target with a cannon which shoots larger tennis balls. You can beat that guy in the blue singlet. You can catch up to him in The Eliminator.

Breakout Star of the Year

Nominees: CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Kizarny

Winner: Kizarny

Although mine eyes have not yet experienced the wrestling debut of Kizarny, he has blown me away with his talent to mispronounce words in the English language. Some of you may insist that Kizarny must be speaking Chinese in his colourful vignettes, but you would be wrong and somewhat racist. While I can't understand what he is talking about, he must be saying something good. World Wrestling Entertainment would not waste their time to hype a wrestler who stresses his preference for puppies over kittens. Hence, I sense that Kizarny is changing the world with his speeches. Global warming, same sex marriage, and the suffering economy must be the issues at the root of Kizarny's talks. While CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella and Vladimir are stars in their own right, they cannot discuss and debate the problems of today quite like Kizarny; this man gets to the heart of the matter. Kizarny is like Charlie Rose, if Charlie Rose worked with the traveling circus, smelled like funnel cake, and hung out with sword swallowers. Next year, I predict that Kizarny will win the WWE Championship. After his victory, he will enter a clown car with sixty other clowns. Moments later, they will ride into the sunset on their way to the next stop -- Awesomeville: Population Kizarny and Sixty Other Clowns.

Tag Team of the Year

Nominees: Cryme Tyme, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, The Miz and John Morrison, Carlito and Primo Colon, The Bella Twins

Winner: The Miz and John Morrison

Like World Wrestling Entertainment, The Swerved cannot deny The Miz and John Morrison of this prestigious accolade. In addition to this bowling trophy, they deserve bags of cash with dollar signs written on them, a complimentary fruit basket, free maid service for a year, and two planets in their name. Since Pluto is not a planet anymore, I will see what I can do to discover Planet Miz and a Planet Morrison as the ninth and tenth planets in our solar system. When unidentified flying objects pass the two planets, the aliens within those spaceships will find out about Miz and Morrison before they try to conquer Earth. Once they land on our planet, they will demand to meet the two superstars, whom they believe to be the new leaders of the universe. As The Miz and John Morrison descend from the Palace of Wisdom, they shall pose for five hours straight in front of the aliens. In response, the aliens will die out of boredom. In the fight against the alien race, we need The Miz and John Morrison to save us from danger. They are the only ones who know how to move in slow motion. To my understanding, the other nominees have no clue how to move in regular motion, let alone slow.

Diva of the Year

Nominees: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool, Michael Cole

Winner: Beth Phoenix

Aside from her hilarious antics with Santino Marella, the Italian love of her glamorous life (brought to you by, the presence of WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix on RAW has single-handedly restored my faith in women's wrestling. Yes, Kelly Kelly enriches my existence as an integral member of our family band, but Beth is a WWE Diva who brings happiness and mythical birds that rise from the ashes to all. If you ask me, World Wrestling Entertainment could use more Beth Phoenixes and less Michael Coles. I'm sure Michael Cole is popular with many fellows, what with his undeniable physical beauty and charming personality, but I prefer Beth. At first, I was skeptical of Ms. Phoenix for she debuted in the company as an enemy from Micke James' past. For one, Mickie James does not have much of a past for her character was a creation of WWE in 2005. For two, WWE Divas are not real. They are holograms created to test the abilities of the new Intel Processor. With that knowledge in mind, I'm glad that WWE understands that they do not have to delve into the history of their female talent in order to garner audience interest in their characters. If Mickie James can skip down the aisle, the fans will like her. As long as Beth Phoenix wears a tiara and slaps around Santino, she is good in my good book.

Couple of the Year

Nominees: Edge and Vickie Guerrero, Finlay and Hornswoggle, Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix, Tony Atlas and Mark Henry, Astro and Elroy Jetson

Winner: Finlay and Hornswoggle

In 2008, the father and son tandem of Fit and Hornswoggle Finlay ruled ECW. Since Extreme Championsihp Wrestling is the number one brand in WWE today, they are the number one couple of the year. In this case, father completes son, and son completes father. Without Finlay, Hornswoggle is nothing. As far as WWE's insistence to portray Hornswoggle as a helpless, five-year-old leprechaun, they are correct in every sense of the word. Because Hornswoggle is a little person, I think it is only logical for him to act like a child. You see, Rey Mysterio is not a man, but an eight-year-old, five-foot, four-inch tall sparkplug. With that said, why should Hornswoggle act any different than Rey Mysterio? If you try to convince me that these two children are grown adults, I will not believe you. Actually, I will probably punch you in the Adam's apple for spreading your whitest of lies. Now, will you please let Finlay feed his son some Gerber's? Hornswoggle has an intense craving for delicious, apple sweet, potato paste. If Hornswoggle wants to grow big and strong, he must eat his vegetables. Isn't that right, Finlay? You can’t fight your love for your son.

Match of the Year

Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair (Career Threatening Match - WrestleMania XXIV), Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho (World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match - No Mercy), Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy (WWE Championship Match - No Mercy), Edge vs. Undertaker (Hell in a Cell - Summerslam), Maria and Ashley vs. Melina and Beth Phoenix (Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Tag Match - WrestleMania XXIV)

Winner: Maria and Ashley vs. Melina and Beth Phoenix (Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Tag Match - WrestleMania XXIV)

Forget your dramatic matches, ladies and gentlemen. Whenever I pay good money for a wrestling Pay-Per-View, I want nothing more than to bare witness to a bunch of attractive women standing around and pretending to do stuff. Professional wrestling was built upon the WWE Foredivas of yesteryear, those sexy girls of the past whose primary goal was to look sexy in a sexy way. I don't care if you can execute DDT, woman. Do you want to show me your breast and butt cleavage or do want to be an unproductive member of society? Due to the lack of wrestling and the abundance of the skin, I give the WrestleMania XXIV tag match between the teams of Maria and Ashley and Melina and Beth Phoenix fifty thousand stars in the night sky out of ten. I calculated this match rating by multiplying the number of women in the ring to the number of lumberjills at ringside who are willing to flaunt their goods for the green. In my opinion, every professional wrestling analysts should use my ratings method for it is both scientific and precise. Bravo to every WWE Diva involved in this match for each and every one you is the reason why the company continues to succeed. May you smuggle baseballs in your bras until the end of time. Also, may your orange tans become more orange than before. Long live girl power and what not. You can vote now. Hooray.

Most Extreme Moment of the Year

Nominees: Maria makes out with Snoop Dogg at WrestleMania XXIV, Kane beats up Rey Mysterio to the point that Rey gains enough strength to visit a tattoo parlour to get more ink on his body, Jeff Hardy jumps off a lighting stand into a pile of uncomfortable marshmallows, Michael Cole dances in the ring in front of people, Charlie Haas has time to goof off at Dave & Buster’s for several hours, despite the fact that he has two young children and a needy Jackie Gayda at home

Winner: Maria makes out with Snoop Dogg at WrestleMania XXIV

Years from now, WrestleMania XXIV will not be remembered for Ric Flair's final match in a wrestling ring, but Snoop coming to the squared circle in his pimped out golf cart, clotheslining Santino Marella out of his Italian shoes, and locking lips with Playboy Covergirl Maria Kanellis. Once I witnessed Maria make out with the S-N-DOUBLE O-P D-O-DOUBLE GIZZEE, I knew that my life was complete. I liken the sight of Snoop kissing Maria to a black rope of licorice tonguing Strawberry Shortcake. I don't know how you feel about the vision, but a black rope of licorice getting action from Strawberry Shortcake is my ultimate fantasy. When I am old and grey, I shall tell my grandchildren about Snoopy the Dogg's conquest. In turn, they will be speechless. They will never let black licorice make contact with their lips ever again. Watch out for Snoop Dogg, children. Here Snoop Dogg comes again like cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. Now everybody freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze (in your pimped out golf cart).

"Damn!" Moment of the Year

Nominees: The Great Khali kisses ugly women on the Kiss Cam, The Great Khali wears a snazzy suit that fits, Santino Marella injures his “scrotisimus” region trying to replicate Melina's entrance, MVP loses to some guy, Triple H tells fat jokes at Vickie Guerrero's expense

Winner: Triple H tells fat jokes at Vickie Guerrero's expense

Hunter Hearst Helmsley never fails to surprise me with his tomfoolery. If I had a nickel for every time that Triple H uttered a witty quip, I would have about fifteen cents. What would I do with those fifteen cents? I would give them to Triple H because he is so witty. In fact, Hunter fuels his wit with spare change. He is the WWE Champion of Comedy. Now that Hunter has trumped John Cena in the comedic department, his belt does not spin anymore. Unless I am mistaken, the WWE Championship belt keeps still in order to prepare itself for Triple H's comedy. I'm sure Vickie does not mind that Hunter and millions of wrestling fans perceive her as the most rotund and therefore unattractive diva in WWE. After all, these insults emanate from Triple H’s mouth. If anything, she should be honoured that he has targeted her as the subject for his hilarious jokes. Why? Hunter's wife believes herself to be just as rotund as Vickie. Therefore, Hunter's insults are the by-product of love. You have to be this fat to play his game. Keep cool, Vickie.

"Oh My God!" Moment of the Year

Nominees: John Cena returns twice in one year, CM Punk cashes in his Money in the Bank briefcase to defeat Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship on Monday Night RAW, Edge returns from Hell with a great bushy beard, Floyd Mayweather knocks out the Big Show with brass knuckles, D-Generation returns when it is most convenient for WWE

Winner: Edge returns from Hell with a great bushy beard

The R-Rated Superstar is back. What does this news mean for fans of World Wrestling Entertainment? Apparently, Edge's return calls for six more weeks of winter. While I have never been to the underworld, I wonder if they sell Mach 5 razors. According to Edge's face at this year's Survivo(u)r Series, they do not. Please remind me to bring my electric shaver when I visit my chums in Hell. I do not want to be scruffy in a foreign place. I can only imagine the discomfort of sporting a beard in that hellish weather. I bet it would feel as though I'm wearing twelve Christmas sweaters at once on my chin. Despite the fact that Edge's beard gave him the powers to defeat Triple H for the WWE Championship at last month’s Pay-Per-View, I am glad that he chose to shave that hair monster clean off his face. If I was his opponent in a match, I would not want Edge to be able to store foreign and or international objects in his beard. A beard is a clever storage compartment for weapons, but it gives the wrestler who possesses the compartment an unfair advantage over his opponent. In conclusion, rest in peace, great bushy beard. You served your country well. May you find a new home in Mike Knox's evergreen forest of facial hair.

Finishing Move of the Year

Nominees: Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press, Undertaker's Hell's Gate, Chris Jericho's Codebreaker, Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music, Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best

Although Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press is a beautiful finisher, the move cannot defeat the greatness that is Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best. While I knew that headbutts were fatal to a groggy opponent, I was not aware that Moscow Maulers were so optimistic during the execution of said move. From this point forward, I assume that they look at life as a glass that is half full, then they headbutt a block of ice as a means to fill the rest of the glass with freezing water. Vladimir Kozlov loves WWE first, inexpensive drinking sources second. Of course, Vladimir Kozlov’s headbutt was unable to secure him a championship belt in 2008, but Kozlov should not fret. Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best will garner many title reigns in the future. At this point, I believe that Kozlov should become the new ECW Champion first before he strives to take over the world. If Kozlov wants a challenge, he will receive many a challenge, but take baby steps during his rise to the main event ranks of the company. If he hopes for the best, success will come. Patience is all I ask for from a dude from Vladimir. As a quick note, I have low expectations of men named Vladimir. Show of the Year

Nominees: Cryme Tyme's "Word Up," Santino Marella's "Santino's Casa," The Miz and John Morrison's "The Dirt Sheet", Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera's "WWE En Español", Snitsky's "Snitsky Mysteries"

Winner: Santino Marella's "Santino's Casa"

In spite of the infinite suckage that was Matt Striker's "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek," Santino Marella stepped up as the saviour of the Exclusive. What you see from Santino on RAW is what you get from the man on WWE's official website. In a sentence, "Santino's Casa" is a golden segment dipped in gold from the golden streams beside Scotty Goldman's home in the Golden State. While The Miz and Morrison's dirty sheet is entertaining in itself, they cannot compete with "Santino''s Casa." Honestly, where do I feel at home the most? On a sheet with dirt or the dwelling of one Santino Marella? Besides the Holy Bible and Spike TV's MANswers, I use "Santino's Casa" as the video handbook for my everyday life. From the first weekday to the last day of the weekend, Santino never fails to better my lifestyle and turn me into a better person. Without "Santino's Casa," The Swerved would not be able to dish out its own gold on a weekly basis. If not for Santino's tireless efforts, The Swerved would become just another "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek." How dare you betray me, Matt Striker. How dare you steal my ingenious spelling of "week." That spelling is rightfully mine. I called dibs. I called dibs before the word "dibs" was invented, Matthew. I will fight you.

Announce Team of the Year

Nominees: Jim Ross and Mick Foley, Jim Ross and Tazz, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler,
Todd Grisham and Matt Striker, Mike Adamle and Tazz

Winner: Jim Ross and Tazz

Jim Ross and Tazz will never measure up to the Pope Todd Grisham or the betrayer himself, Matt Striker, but their willingness to wear sailor outfits and army fatigues make the duo the best announce team of 2008. In a game with brownies as the ultimate reward, they be scoring some dem dere points. Since Jerry Lawler is not present to bring Jim Ross down, the Hall of Fame announcer can finally come up with original things to say. Without Michael Cole hanging onto his hip, the Human Suplex Machine can turn into the Human Colour Commentating Machine that he has been destined to become for several years. Imagine Jim Ross and Tazz commentating a day in your life and you will understand the reasons why they have received this award. If you live your life with Stone Cold Steve Austin, get him to leave. Jim Ross can't take the excitement. If you have talent to send to ECW, don't tell Tazz. Extreme Championship Wrestling needs many things, but most of all, they need kids. In Tazz’s opinion, this requirement is urgent.

Musical Performance of the Year

Nominees: The Miz and John Morrison's Dirt Sheet Rap, The Santino Rap, Jillian Hall's "My Heart Will Go On," Edge's "Heaven," R-Truth;s "What's Up?"

Winner: The Santino Rap

If I do not let Santino Marella show you why he has won the plastic bowling trophy for Musical Performance of the Year, I will commit a great unjustice to his craft. Hence, I present the following piece as proof that he is worthy of this and many other awards. I want to give him a American Music Award for Country Artist of the Year, but I do not have the power to do so. In that case, I hope my measly token of gratitude and admiration will suffice:

"Excuse me. Hi; I have a question. I'm Santino Marella. Firstly tonight, I noticed the rapping singer Acorn is here. I see you. I notice you... noticing me. So, I want to ask my question in the form of a rapping song:

My name is Santino
And I'm from Europe
I like my pancakes
With maple syrup

I lost my title to William Regal
His knee to my head should be illegal

Now I'm healthy
And it is vital
I want back
My I.C. Title


How does it feel to get schooled by the teacher, Akon? I bet you hate it. I assume that your enjoyment with this schooling does not compare to the time when you dry humped an underage girl at your concert. I know that dry humping underage girls is the cool thing to do right now, but Santino's rap is eleventy times cooler than a satisfying dry hump. I should know. Earlier this year, I lost half my body weight and dry humped Michelle McCool. Together, we created fire, which was neat for about a second. Please do not inform the Undertaker of this particular, extracurricular activity. If you cannot keep my secret, may a squirrel gnaw on our privates and store your nuts in a tree for the winter.

Impersonator of the Year

Nominees: Charlie Haas as Mr. Perfect, Charlie Haas as Charlie Haas Layfield, Charlie Haas as "The GlamaHaas," Charlie Haas as "Haas" Hogan, The Bella Twins as professional wrestlers

Winner: The Bella Twins as professional wrestlers

Whenever I catch these lovely ladies on my high definition television screen, I get confused. Are those The Bella Twins, or are those professional wrestlers? Charlie Haas may be an expert impersonator (his portrayal of Jim Ross should win him an Academy Award), but he is not match for the twin masters of disguise. Have you ever seen The Bella Twins compete on Friday Night Smackdown? For those you who have not set your eyes on these matches, consider yourself the unluckiest fans in the entire WWE Universe. For your own sake, do not call yourself wrestling fans until you witness these beautiful women in action. Well, they are not so much in action as they are creating visual poetry on the canvas of the wrestling ring, but however you envision their work, they are talented artists. Sometimes, they are so fantastic that I cannot bear to watch them compete for long periods of time. I attempt to change the channel, but their graceful movements in the ring keep me glued to the screen. Certainly, they are the female version of KroniK. Remember them? They were most excellent... mostly.

Monday, December 08, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 56th

Team JBL (John "Bradshaw Layfield, The Miz, John Morrison, MVP, and Kane) vs. Team Captain Planet (Wheeler, Linka, Kwame, Gi, Ma-Ti)

Our world is in a financial crisis
Meredith Whitney, Bradshaw's wife, has been sent from the future to warn us our of impending doom
She gives five magic rings to five special professional wrestlers
From a party with Katie Vick, Kane with the power to set things on fire
From the doghouse, MVP with the power to lose to everyone
From the Palace of Wisdom, John Morrison with the power to stand in front of a fan in slow motion
From MTV, The Miz with the power to wear his horrible "Chick Magnet" shirt
And from New York by way of Texas, JBL with the power of sex juice
With the five powers combine, they summon WWE's greatest champion -- the traditional and entertaining yet ultimately unsatisfying Survivor Series Elimination Match

Go wrestling!

The Question:
Who wins and how?



The great 2008.


You can't make me stop... you can't make me stop... you can't make me stop.

Super Cena

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena and I do not always get along. Like any friendship between a successful and popular professional wrestler and an equally successful and popular professional wrestling analyst, we have our differences. John Cena hails from the mean streets of West Newbury, Massachusetts. Meanwhile, I have no particular hometown for Michaelangelo sculpted me out of marble. Cena is and was known as the Doctor of Thuganomics. In turn, I have a Master's degree in Thuginometry. John Cena is a talented freestyle rapper while I am known in several circles as a freestyle folk artist. Unless you have been living under some kind of rock-like stone, you have probably heard of my hit album entitled "My Rosemary and Thyme is Now." In every way, John Cena and I have a strained relationship, but when I need his help the most, he does what he can.

Behind the scenes, John Cena is the one person whom I can trust. In an industry of seedy promoters and immoral, dishonest, and selfish performers, a guy like me finds hope in a noble guy like Cena. Despite the fact that Cena's schedule does not allow him to be by my side at all times, I have his support. For me, John Cena is but one phone call away. That phone call directs me to a Lithuanian man who runs a pawn shop in Synecdoche, New York, but he knows a person who a knows a person who can guess where Cena lives. Unlike you, who can only wish to connect with Cena on a personal level, I am his dawg. For the most part, we are tighty like whities. I am not forcing him to feel me, yet he is not forcing me to feel him. We spend our time feeling each other. I detect no perverted truth to this statement. I see two men who want nothing more than to express their fondness for one another in a physical manner.

Before you doubt our friendship, did you know John Cena saved my life? Were you aware that John Cena showed me how to love again? Can you honestly say that John Felix Anthony Boom Boom Rub-a-dub Petticoat Antidisestablishmentarianism Pedro Lobster Claw Luscious Cena is your saviour? I believe not, friend. As far as I'm concerned, John Cena is the coolest of cool beans. When I get married to my lady friend and mistress, John Cena will be my best man, flower girl, and priest. At the reception, he will sing my wedding song: "Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins -- the most romantic ballad of our modern day. The success of my wedding night shall depend on the swing of the baseball bat.

I'm not sure when I will get to directly thank John Cena for his help. Until that time comes, I will never say, "F-U," to him. John Cena; I want to Thank-U instead. Wherever you are at this moment, I hope you will be able to STFU (Send Thoughtful Feelings Universally). You don‘t know my exact address, but I shall receive them somehow, someway.

Proof that John Cena is Super:

1) On a rainy day, John Cena transformed himself into an umbrella and protected me from the deadly water droplets from above. What happened to the rain? As an umbrella, he turned himself upside down, gathered the raindrops, threw them back into the sky, and created shimmering rainbows.

2) When I went back in time as a passenger on the Titanic, John Cena went with me. After the boat sank in the ocean, Leonardo DiCaprio and I floated over the water on a broken door. Lifting the door beneath the water, Cena was nice enough to keep it afloat so the two of us could survive. Billy Zane disapproved.

3) On Halloween 2008, John Cena checked my bag of candy for the purpose of safety. As a means to taste-test my haul, he ate a few questionable, unwrapped pieces. By accident, he consumed twelve syringes, a 9mm pistol, and an entire tin of black jelly beans. He is my Halloween hero. Man, I hate black jelly beans, mostly due to the texture.

4) As I watched Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (Special Edition) on Digital Versatile Disc, Cena came into my living room, entered my television screen, and F-Ued the Hayden Christensen Ghost out of the ending. In response, the Ewoks and I rejoiced how teddy bears with creepy eyes and a young man should.

5) As a zombie tried to eat my brains at a live WWE event, John Cena entered the ring and threw his hat in the crowd. The hat spun into the air, decapitated the violent zombie, then served as a wonderful cranium accessory for a child in the audience.

6) On a moonlight walk in the park, I discovered a mysterious egg on the ground. Unable to take the egg home, I tried to figure out how to protect it. In this predicament, John Cena came down from the sky and approached the egg. For several weeks, he sat on the egg to keep it warm and sang it soothing nature songs. What became of that egg? The return of the extinct dodo bird.

7) Starting last week, John Cena powered my appliances and electronics by shining his World Heavyweight Championship belt at the sun. With his help, I will save hundreds of dollars on my electric bills. What a convenient truth.

8) Earlier this year, John Cena blew out the trick candles on my birthday by tricking them. He slowly gained their trust and friendship, then aligned himself with regular birthday candles when things got rough. Happy birthday to everyone.

9) On the one occasion in which I killed two birds with one stone, John Cena destroyed the murder weapon, buried the birds in the barren deserts of Egypt, and informed the birds' families that they were lost at sea. My secret is safe with John Cena.

10) Whenever I forget to record my favourite television program, John Cena steps in and performs a live, theatrical version of the episode. I don't care what anybody says: Cena plays a brilliant Chuck Bass. His scarves are not for show. They are stylish, cashmere windows into his gossiping soul.

11) As I held an entire basket of adorable puppies on the sidewalk, I tripped on a crack. The puppies flew from my basket and landed on the fragile branch of a tall oak tree. In a panic, I shone the John Cena signal (a neatly ironed pair of jean shorts) into the sky. Of course, Cena appeared to help. He did not reach up to grab the puppies, but grew a tree under his feet and waited to be elevated to the height of the branch. One year later, he saved those puppies and contributed to the environment as well. When you plant a tree, you plant a better tomorrow.

12) When I did not have access to a car, John Cena transformed himself into Falkor the Luckdragon and became my alternative form of transportation. For his reward, I scratched behind his ear.

13) During my battle against a giant, twenty-storey werewolf slash dinosaur, John Cena commanded his army of prepubescent wrestling fans to stand on top of each other to form a fighting robot of comparable size. Cena and I manned the robot and vanquished the evil monster with a sword made out of impressionable, ten-year-old girls.

14) Last summer, John Cena took me to Disney World. In the evening, he let me sit on his shoulders to get a better view of the Main Street Electrical Parade. I saw Mickey Mouse in electric light form.

15) At a family dinner, I struggled to eat a piece of steak because I did not care for presence of fatty meat. With this knowledge, John Cena entered the restaurant and cut off the fatty pieces for me. Manly men do not eat fatty meat. They eat lean meat and let another dude cut their food for them.

16) As I accidentally descended from an arena balcony, John Cena built a ball pit that broke my fall. Today, I have ten percent brain function, but think about the colours. How fun.

17) Before I got a chance to watch the film, John Cena edited the original Planet of the Apes. In his version, George Taylor and apes ate the world's entire supply bananas for two hours. At the end of the film, they encountered the Statue of Miss Chiquita Banana. You maniacs. You ate them all. Damn you. Damn you all to Florida, where oranges are the predominant and preferable fruit of choice.

18) John Cena ate an old hamburger under my bed and died from food poisoning. For some reason, he became my guardian angel. Perhaps I should not leave food under my bed. On the other hand, perhaps John should not try to eat the food that is under my bed. After all, I don't have a McDonald's under my bed. I have an Olive Garden.

19) While I came out of a store, I heard a loud gunshot, but could not react to the noise in time. Thankfully, John Cena leapt in the air and took the bullet for me. Although he is not bulletproof and may never regain use of his left kidney again, at least I knew that he was thinking about me.

20) Yesterday, John Cena tucked me into bed and read I'll Love You Forever with his soft, soothing voice. When I am older, I will pick up an elderly John Cena, rock him back and forth, and sing him the same song that appears in the book. I'll love him forever, no doubt. Without question, I'll like him for always. As long as I'm living, my street-wise, wise-cracking, tough-talking, marine-esque gangster he'll be.

Monday, December 01, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 55th

Team Batista (Batista, World Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston and CM Punk, ECW Champion Matt Hardy, and R-Truth) vs. Team California Dreams: Classic Lineup (Matt Garrison, Jenny Garrison, Tiffani Smith, Tony Wicks and Sly Winkle)

Squeaky clean teenagers with minor problems that we blow way out of proportion
Kinda derivative, as if we wish to be saved by some bells
Saturday mornings turn into Sunday nights
Perfect timing to wrestle five sweaty dudes
No time to hesitate
Just eliminate

We'll wake you up, we'll wake you up to an ass-kicking
Welcome to the California dream
We'll let you lay prone on the mat
Until Jake Sommers arrives, takes our spot, and performs his ten-hour guitar solo

Death and destruction, tough times in the wrestling ring
Let us continue these beatings after we lip-synch and play instruments in a poor manner

We'll wake you up, we'll wake you up to an ass-kicking
Welcome to the California dream
We'll let you lay prone on the mat
Until Jake Sommers arrives, takes our spot, and performs his ten-hour guitar solo

The Question:
Who wins and how?



John Cena solves my problems.


Good morning. What took you so long to receive our transmission? Now let it comfort you.

The Answered

From my own experiences with the industry, wrestling fans are an inquisitive bunch. They love to get down with the nitty-gritty details of the wrestling world. When they are not asking questions, they are not living. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? How come some strange lady in flannel clothes and a crew cut was with my mother the other night? Hold yourself before you fold yourself, my people. Don't get carried away with your queries. In life, not every question can be answered. You should not ask about what we cannot know. More often not, events happen for no discernable reason or purpose. As we learn how the river flows through the mountains, and how the birds fly over the horizon, professional wrestling continues to be a nonstop mystery. In the end, maybe we are not meant to uncover the secrets of wrestling. Maybe we should enjoy wrestling for what it is to us, not for what it is not. On the other hand, I am thankful that we have experts at hand to guide us through the wondrous world of professional wrestling.

Where can one find these experts? At Yahoo! Answers, no doubt. Yahoo! Answers is a wonderful service in which people from around the sphere-like globe come together to answer questions for other people. To me, Yahoo! Answers is the Ranjin Singh to our Great Khali. Show us how to turn our Punjabi Nightmares into Punjabi Dreams, Yahoo! Answers. Without hesitation, the service directs us in the Kiss Cam Segment we call human existence. I salute the brave men and women who take time out of their busy day to solve problems that are not theirs, clear up misconceptions that are not theirs, and lead the followers on the strenuous expedition towards truth. These individuals are certified experts. For one, they are on the internet. For two, they have prestigious titles like "MaddDogg49283" and "Boobers_the_Great" (I believe the latter teaches a advanced course in quantum physics at Oxford). Do not question their expert methods unless you are willing to get schooled, elementary, secondary, and post secondary-style.

Whenever I feel as though my wealth of knowledge is not to a level comparable to that of a Yahoo! Answers expert, I must revert back to my days as the professional wrestling student and learn from my betters. I would never lie to you, wrestling fans. On the odd occasion, I realize that I may not know everything there is to know about wrestling. Please forgive me. I am only one man who can transform into two if I think really hard and hope for the best. Even then, I must look to the answering gods for a way out of mediocrity.

As we take a gander at the Yahoo! queries of our modern day, note that these experts do not receive monetary compensation for their efforts. They are not in for the dollar-dollars. They are in it to make you smarter, faster, and better than before. Over the holidays, feel free to send them fruit baskets in gratitude of their work. They deserve the finest cantaloupes that fruit baskets can bring. Now, without delay, let us bask in awe of their wrestling expertise. The rays of their knowledge soothe my skin. I plan to look quite orange tonight.


The Undertakeress

marcjim20 asks:

"What if the WWE conceptualized a female version of the Undertaker?

Which of the WWE's past and recent Diva's will you think will pass on to portray the character?"

Let me get this straight, marc and or jim who is related to the number 20 in some meaningful way: in order for a WWE Diva to become a female version of the Undertaker, she has to die? In my opinion, WWE Divas cannot die. Their bodies are made out of an indestructible mixture of metal rubber and spray-on tan -- the same materials that the aliens used to build the Egyptian pyramids in 1996. Along with Muffy's immortal legacy, I like to think that the legend of Jackie Gayda will live on until the end of days. Nevertheless, your question intrigues me. If had to choose a candidate to don the ominous trench coat, Quaker Oats hat, and mixed martial arts gloves ensemble, I would pick Maria; this woman needs a serious character change. Also, who wouldn't want to see Mariataker put groggy, female opponents in the Tombstone position? Whenever face locks eyes with crotch, both the wrestler who gives the move and the wrestler who receives the move have an excellent time. As far as I know, Undertaker calls that position the "Welcome to Wonderland." I'm sure Maria's wonderland is equally majestic.

Best Answer - Attitude Era:

"im not sure u get a star for this question tho it made me think.i think if they had to do a female taker they would use that vampire chick that was kevin thorns girlfriend cuz shes just weird like that i guess"

Despite the fact that Ariel (Shelly Martinez) is the former but official, freaky, upside-down, bat chick of professional wrestling, she would make a poor female Undertaker. Of course, Ariel's stint with World Wrestling Entertainment continues to inspire me in my everyday life (at opportune moments, I am known to scream, "Come on, Thorn!" at strangers), but vampires cannot become living, undead, zombie things. I think this practise is illegal. In the past, didn't Dateline cover a story about the problematic consequences of a vampire who takes on a second occupation, such as that of an undertaker? Even if Ariel dedicated herself to the role, I do not believe that she could overcome her limitations. You heard Tazz: she's upside down more than anyone cares to mention. Then again, she can't help that she's top-heavy. She is built like a shuttlecock. You can't force her to stand upright and walk through fog at important events. What WWE could do is film their broadcasts with upside down cameras, but I would not recommend it.

WWE Divaship

Ashley B asks:

"What are the requirements to become a wwe diva?

I dont want to go to college i want to start trying to get into the wwe right away."

Because all WWE Divas are rich and respected sports entertainers, you have made a wise choice, Ashley B. As far as you and I are concerned, you should change your name to Ashley A because your aces to me. If I was a girl, I would have started my journey to the WWE Women's Championship at the earliest age possible. At age two, I would get breast implants in order to break them out and mature into them. At six years old, I would put another set of breast implants over my last one. From my teenage years to early adulthood, I would model. As of late, Johnny Ace, the WWE Senior Vice President of Talent Relations, has proven that modelling on a beach in a skimpy bikini, or covering yourself in honey while riding a skateboard, equals professional wrestling training. Also, if you can appear or work your way to appear as though a light nudge can break your body in half, you will open many a door and window of opportunity. Therefore, your training should start more sooner than later for thousands of women share your dream. Before you embark on your quest, remember that Maria died for your sins. Actually, she died to become the female version of the Undertaker, but you should thank her, regardless of her intentions. She's not of this earth anymore. Why must you judge her? How can you be so cruel, Ashley A? You are Ashley B- until further notice.

Best Answer - Y A Queen:

"Apply for a playboy job first and hope that the wwe will consider taking you"

Oh no you did not, Y A Queen. Oh no you did not with a did not cherry on a did not top. Although, you done did it. Congratulations. I wish to buy you a congratulatory present, but I have not bought a present for a queen before, let alone the queen of the letters Y and A. Do you enjoy mattresses, or Latifahs? Compared to you, I am but a lowly human being. Your answer humbles me. Conversely, you reply lacks accuracy. I am not sure that any Playboy job will help an aspiring diva make it to WWE. What happens if Ashley B becomes a production assistant for Playboy Magazine? How is that a sexy and sultry occupation? What if Playboy hires her to hold one of those circle reflectors instead? As a means to guarantee herself a spot on the WWE Divas roster, Ashley B she must pose for tasteful, nude photos on silk bed sheets, or silkier bed sheets. Alas, WWE programming is PG. Therefore, Playboy should photograph Ashley B eating jelly beans while colouring within the lines of activity book pages.

Reinventing the Match

omavroma asks:

"What are some good silly gimmick matches that the WWE should come up with?

It is time that past and present WWE wrestlers should come together and have some crazy gimmick matches. For example the Big Show, Big Daddy V, and Viscera should be in a "Old Country Buffet" invasion match. Perhaps we can have a "who can steal a car the fastest" match between Cryme Tyme and the Repo Man. Perhaps a there should be "who can read a pop-up book match" Hacksaw Jim Dugan, Eugene, and Festus. What are your gimmick matches?"

You are a genius, omavroma. In a battle between a wrestling promotion and a restaurant, I would love to see the Big Show, Big Daddy V, and Viscera face disgruntled employees of the Old Country Buffet, especially considering that Big Daddy V and Viscera are the same person. Who will come out on top? The behemoths of World Wrestling Entertainment or Madge, Dot, and Gerald, your host and hostesses of pain? In response to your match concepts between Cryme Tyme and the Repo Man and Jim Duggan, Eugene, and Festus, I'm an instant fan. You have wonderfully stereotypical and offensive ideas. I would like to buy you an alcoholic or non-alcoholic drink, kind sir. Or, perhaps you would like to fight for this drink in a " Who needs a drink the most?“ match. Prior to the contest, both competitors must eat pretzels and saltines for twenty four hours straight. The first man to grab the drink wins the match and almost dies from a sodium overdose. Let's be friends.

Best Answer - Yankee Stadium (1923-2008):

"I would like to see a naked battle royal with the WWE Divas. Whoever is eliminated has to drop the clothes. Hey Joe, I was just making a suggestion. Stop acting like you are better than anyone. I would like to suggest another match. I was thinking of a cage match, but there will be electricity on the outside of the cage. Another suggestion that I have is a lumberjack match, but you have the fans participate as lumberjacks. This can also be an opportunity for the WWE fans to take out some of their frustrations by attacking wrestlers they don't like."

As of now, I’m not in favour of your answer, Yankee Stadium. I think I would like a second opinion on this question. Maybe I'll ask Fenway Park if it has the time. Does anybody have Coors Field's Twitter account name? Your naked battle royal concept is interesting, but the match itself is not a naked battle royal unless the WWE Divas wrestle in the ring without clothes. Your proposal is the equivalent to a Hot Dog on a Pole Match, in which two wrestlers compete in a standard wrestling match, then the winner of the match gets to eat the hot dog on a pole. People want to see them fight for the hot dog. The hot dog represents the American Dream, which every American hopes to achieve. Do you want to deny American wrestling fans of such a match? For your sake, you better give them what they want. You better give them naked women eating hot dogs on poles. Together, we can overload the sexual innuendo metre until it breaks.

Live Now, Die Later

Legend Killer asks:

"If steroids are so bad, how come the wwe superstars still lead healthy lives consuming them?

Also make a list of the pros and cons of steroids and a decently - sized list of the wwe ones who do."

You are so right, Legend Killer who may or may not be Randall Keith Orton. Steroids are as harmless as M&Ms. The other day, I took a shower in steroids as I competed in a Steroid Eating Contest presented by Dolph Ziggler. While my heart stopped for two minutes, I was fine afterwards. Since you wish to know the pros and cons of steroid usage, I will give them to you:

- Increased muscle mass
- Better muscle definition
- Bulging arm veins
- Shrinking man nuggets
- Confidence and high self-esteem

- Nothing (and don't you dare question this statement)

As you can see, steroids provide the steroid user with an enriched lifestyle for many years to come. When I say years to come, I mean about ten or less, but that's good enough, isn't it? Your body is a temple, so why not kill that temple in a slow, methodical manner? Let me debunk the myth of steroids for you, Legend Killer. Steroids are not bad. Like Frosted Flakes, steroids are great. I will not think of you as an actual man unless you take them in copious amounts. Moreover, you will not attract the lovely ladies unless you can carry the combined weight of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Empire State Building, and the Space Needle with you pinky finger. Steroids is a gateway drug -- a gateway to happiness.

Best Answer - ••●bizeb●••:

"To answer your questions it often takes a while to see the effects of consuming steroids, however some of the forefathers like Arnold Schwarzenegger have had a history of serious heart problems.

Pros: Stronger, make the team, possible make more money
Cons: your general health of heart conditions, roid rage, shrinking testicles, possible feminine features

I hope that you are not considering using them, believe me it is not work your health, why don't you just you crack or some other drug and you will just get the negative effects more quickly and get it over with"

When it comes to steroids, ••●bizeb●•• takes into account this concept called "reality." What is reality anyway? Reality is a television show that features twelve shirtless guys living in a house together who hug each other sometimes on an octagonal mat in front of their peers. Reality is The Miz. Hence, I have no use for this "reality." And how dare you propose that the Legend Killer should indulge in cocaine usage. After all, he can do that later when he gets his fame and fortune. Don't count his chickens before the chickens are kitchen fresh. Yes, steroids can be harmful to your health, but what about his look? What about the Legend Killer's glorious appearance? As viewers of professional wrestling, haven't we learned that appearance is the most important factor that determines success in the business? How is the Legend Killer supposed to compete with THE Brian Kendrick's inhuman physique? He can't. The Legend Killer needs help.

World Championship Entertainment

cena29 asks:

"What do you think would of happened if WCW would of bought WWE?

Would it of changed what it is today?
Would we have the superstars we have now in the wwe?"

If World Championship Wrestling was victorious in the Monday Night Wars, Vince McMahon would play the role that Eric Bischoff had in WWE. Eric would humiliate him to an excessive degree, then put him in boring and nonsensical Redneck Competitions against Goldberg. For Vince's exit from the company, Eric would put him in a dress and haul him out of the arena in the back of a garbage truck, which would wear a dress as well. During the invasion angle, The Rock would play the clumsy, lovable loser role that made Shawn Stasiak famous for two seconds, the Undertaker would stalk Diamond Dallas Page's wife, and Stone Cold Steve Austin would play Buff Bagwell for no other reason than to make my dream come true of Austin doing the Bagwell strut in a top hat. Even though Stone Cold Steve Austin never failed to entertain me in his prime, he was no Buff Bagwell. Nobody can be Buff Bagwell; not even Buff Bagwell himself. For your information, he is buff, he is the stuff, the girls can't get enough, he craves marshmallow fluff, and he has a 8 x 10 signed photograph from Hilary Duff. Where you at, Scott Norton? Where you at? You need to balance out the deliciousness with your viciousness.

Best Answer - Koumidiator WRW VLR OS:

"Of course,some things would have been different...

Actually,i think that none promotion will outlast WWE in a long temr goals,WWE has the money,has build the popularity and they are superior for now even if they are not provisiing the best shows..for example here in Greece,we don't get TNA,only WWE..

Anyways,if WCW have bought WWE,i believe that the current company would have been almost like the WWE now with a bit different superstars..a lot superstars from the "then WWE" would have jumped on WCW but with not big success..perharps would have had different younger wrestlers cause the talent executives are not the same persons...possibly not John Cena,not Randy Orton..but we can't's a totally hypothetic answer...
Goldberg perharps would have been the main character of the shows..and the one that the show would be surrounded to get ratings and stuff..building up hype e.t.c

But yeah,i do believe that some of the superstars would have jumped to for the new ones like Morisson,CM Punk,Miz, and more..possibly would have stayed on their promotions to wait for the opportunity...."

I am impressed with this answer. Not only does Koumidiator WRW VLR OS provide a detailed scenario of a World Championship Wrestling monopoly, he expresses himself through an inventive version of the English language. I shall call his language, "Onglish." Put the word in the dictionary and make the change official. As for John Cena and Randy Orton in WCW, I would not mind to watch matches between combinations of Cena or Orton and Hogan, Goldberg, and Scott Hall, or an monumental battle between the teams of Cena and Orton and the illustrious duo of Kid Romeo and Elix Skipper. With Romeo and Skipper atop Professional Wrestling Mountain, WCW would never falter. Add in the Natural Born Thrillers and you have yourself a mighty fine company. In turn, John Morrison, CM Punk, and The Miz can take over the undercard for they will not matter in this version of WCW. In Vince Russo's mind, these wrestlers are of Mexican descent somehow.


Instant Success

Punk the MAN (Bacon Lover) asks:

"How much time will it take for TNA to overthrow WWE?

As we all know,WWE is getting worse ratings than ever(RAW and SD have both gotten they're worst ratings ever in the last weeks,if you did not know),but TNA has goten beter ratings than ever.So how much will it take if this keeps up?
I saw 1 yr."

Shoot, Punk the MAN who doubles as a bacon admirer in your spare time. Total Nonstop Action (Wrestling) could take the top spot as the number one wrestling promotion in North America right now, but they don't feel like it. They had too much mahi-mahi or whatever food BG James was looking for during TNA's so-called invasion of WWE. In TNA's state, the company should not even bother trying to take their competitor's fish. In my view, they should take WWE's moist toilettes and leave before Vince McMahon notices. After a hearty meal of fried chicken and corn on the cob, imagine the look on his sports entertainment face when he cannot find his moist toilettes. This prank is of the ultimate variety. In the meantime, TNA is number two because it secretly wants to be inferior. Does Pinky want to assume the role of Brain? Does Robin ever want to become Batman? Does Chaz have a desire to be D'Lo Brown in Lo Down? On second thought, that third example is debatable at best. We all know that Tiger Ali Singh was the star of that group. If TNA can inspire to become Tiger Ali Singh, the company will be number one tomorrow.

Best Answer - The MindFreak (Anti-Troll):

"I will answer unlike the fools who give WWE marks and have never seen more than 3 episodes of TNA. The answer is...

There are 2 POSSIBLE way. One way is if TNA gets their ratings up and takes WWE down itself. On the other hand, however, WWE might have to "destroy" itself for TNA to be at the top. By "destroy" itself, I mean WWE taking the biggest and best out like Orton, HBK, Undertaker, HHH, etc. WWE has to have HUGE superstars go to TNA. WWE's rating have to drop. I guess WWE will be overthrown in 10-20 years. Besides, TNA's too young, small, and weak to take the oldest, biggest, and probably strongest in the world.

I hope I answerded rationally :)"

You "answerded" more than rationally, The Mind Freak (Anti-Troll). You answerded well. World Wrestling Entertainment would have to destroy itself to make way for the rise of TNA. Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Triple H, and the biggest superstar of them all, Kung Fu Naki, would have to spontaneously combust at once for viewers to even think about watching Thursday Night Impact! In addition, WWE would have to stop serving superior fish platters during promotional video shoots for major Pay-Per-Views. As a whole, the promotion's catering puts Captain High Liner's measly catch of aquatic delicacies to shame. I bet Captain High Liner is sulking in his boat now, wishing that he could divorce the sea. I call for him to realize his life goal of creating affordable, stylish, nautical jewelry for children without arms or necks. The world is your oyster-y oyster, Mr. High Liner. Reel yourself a dream.

Turn On the Lights

Mark asks:

"How many TNA Wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb ?

I'd like to know how many TNA wrestler does it take to change a light bulb ?

answer with a light bulb joke. I am a fan of TNA, but answer with a light bulb joke.

be creative

Dixie Carter to buy the ladder, Jeff Jarret to climb it and Vince Russo to hold it


Your question and answers to your own question are as poetic as your elaborate screen name. Mark, you say. "Mark," howls the coyotes in the moonlight. "Mark," chirps the great song bird through the tree canopy. Wherever the waves hit the shore, and wherever snowflakes flutter to the frozen ground, your name will always be with me. You are my life song. As for your answer, I am not positive that it is humourous. Your first reply that Dixie Carter, Jeff Jarrett, and Vince Russo will work as a unit to screw in a light bulb is more logical than funny. Plus, Dixie Carter has not yet wrestled in her lifetime. Your second response, which makes you laugh out in a loud fashion, is straightforward, but dull. If you want to know how many wrestlers it takes to change a change a light bulb, the answer is zero. Those performers who have the ability to change the light bulb are too busy trying to grab a large letter X from intersecting cables. They have little time to do your household chores. Climbing is difficult.

Best Answer - Shiny shoes:

"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan!"

Somebody phone 9-1-1. Have you seen those stitches? Yes? Well, you have put me in them, Shiny shoes. I hope you are happy with the fact that your shoes are shiny. Since Juan is a good friend of The Swerved, I know for a fact that he would be glad to change a light bulb. He's an altruistic individual. As much as you put me in stitches, you did not answer Mark's beautiful query. What kind of answerer are you? A bad one? How dare you put your interests in front of someone who requires your assistance. What kind of person would you be if Mark's question was a matter of life and death? "How many TNA wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?" could easily be a question that a madman acts his captive at gunpoint. Therefore, if you respond with your revolutionary Mexican quip, you have aided to murder Mark. That madman does not want a funny answer. He wants a real answer to cure him of his madness. Look what you've done to Mark in this hypothetical situation, Shiny shoes. Are you proud? Those shoes may not be so shiny anymore. To me, they are covered in the blood of an innocent man. Thanks a lot, lady. You ruined his week.

JB All Up in Your TV

4-Horsemen aka NinersFan asks:

"Can someone explain to me why Jeremy Borash is on TV more than anyone in TNA?

Outside of the actual wrestling on the show, He is involved for ever single angle. Why?

BQ: What is the next step TNA needs to make to inch closer to the popularity of the WWE?"

If you must question Jeremy Borash's role on TNA programming, you are not a true fan of professional wrestling. For those of you who despise young Jeremy, you must be communists. When will you understand Jeremy Borash's greatness? Although he cannot beat the Pope Todd Grisham, he trumps Eve Torres' skills in the interview department. Speaking of Borash's dabbling in the field of excellence, he reminds me of "Littleface" Finny from Dick Tracy. The next time you see Jeremy Borash on your television screen, think of "Littleface" Finny. Due to the uncanny resemblance, your viewing experience of Mr. Borash and TNA Impact! shall improve to a substantial degree. When I first made the connection between the two, I ran naked through the streets in jubilation, throwing candy into the air, chanting "T-N-A! Dick-Trace-Ay! T-N-A! Dick-Trace-Ay!" The memories wash over me like a welcoming flood. I highly recommend that you ponder this comparison for your own benefit. I never felt so alive. I dangled like a Twizzler in a hurricane. Jeremy Borash for forever.

Best Answer - Donovan T:

"He's not involved in every single angle.

However, he does appear a lot. One of the reasons is because Borash is the interviewer backstage, and most of the backstage segments are interviews with other wrestlers. He was also in the Christian Coalition/Angle Alliance storyline for comedic purposes, similar to Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole getting ridiculed by The Rock.

BQ: Have the younger wrestlers begin to transition into higher positions on the card and ultimately be more important in storylines. AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are moving up, but Kaz, James Storm, and Robert Roode need to progress into storylines as well. With the Knockouts going in their direction, all they have to do is push the younger people.


**5 thumbs down? Wow, I must be doing well. Keep them coming...
**11 thumbs down? Wow, I beat my personal best..."

In Frankie Kazarian's brief stint with World Wrestling Entertainment, his refusal to get a haircut led to his release. Hence, I do not think Kaz is the answer to help TNA become a serious competitor with WWE. How can one be so attached to long hair? As far as I know, long hair can't protect you from the wrath of fire-breathing dragons. In my entire life, I have never sported long hair, which may be one of the reasons why I am the most respected professional wrestling analyst today. Like Kazarian, James Storm and Robert Roode will never reach the main event level for they are against short hair, too. You see, AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are successful because of their short hair. Since The Rock had short hair and Steve Austin had no hair, they became international sensations. In both cases, I discern no other reason for their overwhelming success. Until Frankie Kazarian realizes the power of short hair, he is a faint blip on the wrestling radar.

Make Trade Fair

Washed*O asks:

"Who in TNA would you trade John Cena and Batista for?

since TNA is full of talented wrestlers, they won't mind having 2 idiots there right?They could be used as jobbers.

Which two wrestlers from TNA do you wish could return or come to WWE, to help boost ratings?"

I may not be the biggest fans of John Cena and Batista, but I find your comments rather offensive, Washed*O. Why don't you wash out your mouth and computer with the soapiest of soaps? Unlike the wrestlers of TNA, Cena and Batista know how to portray themselves as stars. In fact, I often mistake them for self-luminous, celestial bodies in the night sky. Are you insinuating that these two superstars are not as super or starry as WWE fans believe them to be? You should be ashamed of yourself. If I knew your home address (the exact location of the overpass under in which you live), I would come to your door and drive an egg beater into your gonads. No matter what you do, Shark Boy is not John Cena. No matter what you say, Eric Young is not Batista. You live in a fantasy world of fairies, goblins, and magical elves that trick you into believing their elfish lies. I do not wish to deal with people such as yourself. You make me want to projectile vomit with rage. If you care about boosting TNA ratings, how about you keep your mouth hole shut and your hands to yourself, governor?

Best Answer - Ultimate Warrior's #1 Fan:

"Batista - Sting
John Cena - AJ Styles

The answerer above me is a lunatic"

I am going to negate the fact that Ultimate Warrior's #1 Fan referred to another answerer as a lunatic and apply his insult to Washed*O. Anyone who dares to be a fan of the Ultimate Warrior is a truth-teller in my non-existent, truthful book. In response to his answer, I think Batista and Sting is a logical trade. On one side, you have an powerbombing animal of mixed race. On the other side, you have a middle-aged man in Crow makeup. In the end, this transition is even and beneficial for both promotions. In terms of the trade that features John Cena for AJ Styles, the latter wrestler is not as popular as the former yet. If I put myself in the mindset of a wrestling promoter, AJ Styles must encourage people to eat his peanuts and appear to be the love child of Kevin Bacon and Matt Damon first before I will consider the trade. Furthermore, his uncle, Mark Wahlberg, must give me his blessing. Say hello to your mother for me, AJ Styles. You're a TNA wrestler, right? Well, Mark Wahlberg was in Boogie Nights? Did you see that movie?

Ho Ho Monays

WWE~N~TNA Girl asks:

"How much money does a TNA Knockout make for a normal match?!?!?

Just wondering......
Can you guys/ladies also tell me, when their TNA Knockout champion; do they make more money?
Oh yeah, and how much they make for a year.

Thanks! ☺

Please answer this....

Please and Thank you =)"

While WWE Divas and the WWE Women's Champion are paid in money, TNA pays their Knockouts in powered milk and government cheese. In other words, TNA Knockouts have the most lucrative contracts in wrestling. As a woman who aspires to be a TNA Knockout, wouldn't you want a whole lot of powered milk and government cheese? According to a scientific study I made up in my mind at this moment, women who eat only powered milk and government cheese are 95% more likely to succeed in the wrestling business. I don't know what you think, but I like those odds. In the case of WWE Divas, who cares about money? Money can't get you anything except, food, clothing and shelter. What can powered milk and government cheese get you? Food, clothing, shelter, and success. You can eat and drink, wear, build homes, and negotiate business deals with powered milk and government cheese. These products never fail. According to another research study that I thought up on the spot, powered milk and government cheese single-handedly granted women the right to vote in the 1920s. If that isn't power, what is, ladies?

Best Answer - craigROH:

"they are not normal paid for each match, they are under contract you see like most wrestlers are except for indy wrestlers who get like paid each match, the bigger the draw the more money they will make in the indys.

women wrestlers do get paid less than the men, obviously the women champion is going to get the most money from merchandice and so forth but also if there is veterans who have been around for a while they might get special privelages like kane for exmaple whos flights ar paid for and other special benifits."

Craig, whose name is synonymous with Ring of Honor for an undisclosed reason, is correct. Women wrestlers do not have a salary that is equivalent to that of male wrestlers, but they are contracted workers who get paid enough. On that note, I do not understand why craigROH uses Kane as an example of a WWE Superstar who receives special benefits on the road. Kane is a Big Red Machine. He doesn't get special privileges because he has earned them; rather, he is a scary monster who prefers to wear a single, white contact lense over two. Are you going to deny this man paid fights, hotel rooms, and rental cars? I don't think so. If anything, you will give Kane whatever he wants. You know what that means: red lighting wherever he goes. I'm talking about red lighting at the supermarket checkout counter, red lighting at Burger King, and red lighting while he brushes his teeth. At the same time, creepy organ music must accompany him during his daily errands. One day, Kane tries to receive a loan from the bank with the assistance of organ music. The outcome is promising.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Lovevember to Remember: Snobbery

Triple H Meets His Old, New Love



Yahoo gives me answers.


You're not even in a restaurant, but you got served.

The Audible: Lilian Garcia's ¡Quiero Vivir!

In October 2007, RAW ring announcer Lilian "The Thrilian" Garcia released ¡Quiero Vivir! onto the world. As Lilian tried to reach out to WWE's large, Spanish-speaking audience with her forceful yet elegant voice, the audience reached back and said, "No, I don't think so. Maybe next time." Why? Perhaps Lilian and Universal Music Latino overestimated the number of fans who enjoy professional wrestling and overproduced pop music from the year 1999. Perhaps the Latinos were to blame, what with their intense love for low riders, Chihuahuas, and Chihuahuas riding low riders. On its first week of release, ¡Quiero Vivir! sold under four thousand copies -- a disappointing number at best. Despite the fact that WWE fans have not and may never take to Lilian Garcia's album, I plan to open up my mind to her musical work.

In preparation for this unique listening experience, I tried to become a worldly individual. Throughout the months of October and November, I ate many foreign foods, such as American apple pies, French fries, and cheese fried by a chef who looked sort of German in the mouth area. In hopes to become one with the Latino people, I visited a local Taco Bell and smelled the sweet Mexican scents of zesty beef and Mountain Dew. Man, they do think outside the bun. While I am not yet fluent in Spanish, I learned that "gato" means cat. Therefore, I guess I am set. Get ready, Lilian Garcia.

For the non-believers, let me tell you that Spanish songs by Lilian Garcia and professional wrestling go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Undoubtedly, this debut album and I shall be a match made in many heavenly heavens. A long time ago in World Wrestling Entertainment, Lilian Garcia announced, "Making their way to the ring... Lita!" I'm pretty sure that her album will be as great as said announcement. Actually, I'm super sure. If ¡Quiero Vivir! is not as spectacular as that announcement, I will give you my life savings. That's right -- thirty-three cents and a Mason jar of what could have been.

In this installment of The Audible, Lilian Garcia wants to live. And I want to partake in similar activities. Show me how to live and stuff. Show me how to live.

Track 1: "¡Quiero Vivir! (I Want To Live)"

Lilian Garcia breaks free from the chains of not living and decides to live, but in Spanish. Due to her use of exclamation points, she must be enthusiastic in this pursuit. For a song that champions new life and experiences, its sound is fairly derivative. Although ¡Quiero Vivir! is made to get the party started, I did not want to attend this social function in the first place. While Lilian tries her best to be Gloria Estefan, she is but a poor imitation. I am positive that she does not have a Sound Machine that hails from Miami either. As of this moment, I would like to obtain my coat and leave this party, but I forget where I put my coat. Furthermore, I don't know if I brought a coat to this party or thought that I brought one. A song like "¡Quiero Vivir! tends to disorientate its listeners with its blandness. For me, this song makes me question my own existence and ownership of coats.

On a past episode of RAW, Lilian played this wonderful tune for millions of viewers. How did those viewers respond, you ask or think about asking? They reacted with polite applause. In the first stage of this listening session, I do not wish to hate on Lilian, but she is making my job difficult. After all, Lilian often receives unfathomable hatred on a weekly basis from fans and critics alike. What’s the deal? Once in a while, somebody needs to give that horse a carrot or two. Am I right, or am I right, Triple H? As Lilian's face resembles that of a horse, yours is flawless, correct? Oh, Hunter. You and your needless, unwise jokes. Stick it to that evil Lilian. She deserves your sarcastic but hurtful insults for reasons unbeknownst to me. Out of everyone who wants to live, you want to live more. I salute your efforts with my saluting arm.

The Verdict: 1/2
Triple H must get in on this song and make it better. Is Motorhead the answer? Whenever Triple H gets involved, is Motorhead never not the answer? How much volume does a typical ocean liner displace? Motorhead.

Track 2: "Angel"

Lilian Garcia channels her inner Avril Lavigne with "Angel," which not an English song. Why do you tease me with your English words and Spanish songs, Lilian? According to this up-tempo, pop-rock song, you speak of an angel who never leaves your side. In English, does "Angel" mean "Ghostly Stalker" by any chance? Even though I may be in the wrong, I do not want the company of any angel, regardless of his or her true intentions. Every time I buy pizza, you know that angel is going to ask in a shy manner if he or she can have a slice. Who am I to deny an angel of pizza? Pan pizza will solve this problem, yet will not suffice my hunger.

Nevertheless, your bait-and-switch techniques are disturbing, Ms. Garcia. You work about ten minutes per week as the RAW ring announcer, then spend the rest of your Monday sitting and doing nothing, but don't take your frustration out on me. I did not create the wrestling announcer job, nor do I agree with the current, minimal duties that your occupation entails. If World Wrestling Entertainment was my company, my ring announcers would introduce matches, build and take apart wrestling rings, set up arena lighting, book matches, train wrestlers, cater, capture the McMahons in a reinforced but roomy cage, and dress everyone. Ring announcers do not get a free pass in my WWE. Truly, they receive no passes. I am not a lenient hall monitor.

The Verdict: *
This song is an English Angel on the outside, but a Spanish Angel on the inside. False packaging does not impress me.

Track 3: "Adonde (Where Did Love Go?)" with Jon Secada

With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s, contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" but in Spanish. If Lilian Garcia was a Latina Pocahontas, and Jon Secada was an Afro-Cuban John Smith, I bet they could paint with all the colours of the wind to this song. Before I heard this song, I only knew how to paint in black and white. Plus, I find the act of painting with colours of the wind rather difficult. How do I get those wind colours on my paintbrush? Regardless, this is a harmless and uplifting ditty. Hey, Geraldo Disney; I want you to put "Adonde" in your next animated motion picture. In all my years as a professional wrestling analyst who has the ability to hear, I have never listened to a song as Disney-riffic as "Adonde." Where did their love go exactly? Did Jafar take it and turn into a snake to scare a whole bunch of little children, or does Cruella de Vil want to use their lost love to make herself a fashionable coat?

Wherever that love may be, I pray that Lilian and Jon can find it. I know that the two are not actually in love, but I sense some chemistry between them. I'm talking about the type of chemistry that rivals the love between Victoria and Kenny Dykstra, or Vince McMahon and a barking Trish Stratus. Maybe love was never lost in this crazy place we call Earth. Maybe love was in their hearts all along. Fade to black. James Blunt song. To be continued?

The Verdict: **1/2
This song is rated G for Great. Also, G is for green, which is one of the colours that Lilian and Jon can paint in winds, whether forceful or otherwise.

Track 4: "Desenamorada (Under in Love)"

Like any masculine male, my favourite music comes from women's deodorant commercials. For the lady on the go, nothing says freshness and cleanness than exposing your underarms to strangers in the street to an inoffensive rock song about female independence. Thanks to "Desenamorada," Lilian Garcia recreates those fine memories for me and the rest of the sisterhood. I'm glad that Lilian is over being under in love, but in Spanish. In my opinion, being under in love is problematic in that one cannot position oneself in accordance to an abstract concept. I would not even try to get beside or against love for I know that is a hopeless endeavour. Love is an idea, not an object that exists in the real world. Love is like D'Lo Brown. Have you seen D'Lo Brown lately? World Wrestling Entertainment brought him back in hologram form. He is not a human being anymore. He is a feeling. He is never present, yet one can sense his presence.

With the help of "Desenamorada," tomorrow will be a grand day. I will get up, put on my pantsuit, and talk to the camera about the lack of white residue on my clothes and skin. I am sassy because I smell like lilac in the summertime. Whenever you are available, please take a whiff. I did not film this comparison test with the "other brand" on a flat, light blue surface for no reason. Hard work needs hard protection from perspiration.

The Verdict: *1/2
"Desenamorada" inspires me to buy an entire case of Lady Speed Stick. I want to feel free and airy, too.

Track 5: "Ya Veras"

For you aspiring directors and screenwriters who have a romantic comedy in mind about a one-legged, hunky firefighter who falls in love with a one-armed, female golfer, "Ya Veras" is the song for you. The day that your film, which you will call Fire in the Hole", comes to a theatre near me, I will watch and wait for Lilian Garcia’s voice to grace the silver screen with her hopeful song. Sometimes, I wonder why WWE refuses to use Lilian Garcia's songs to hype up their Pay-Per-Views, at least until I realize that one-legged, hunky firefighters never fall in love with one-armed, female golfers within the confines of a towering steel cage. If "Ya Veras" is correct, tomorrow brings promise, but I don't believe that promise applies to Lilian Garcia songs and WWE Pay-Per-Views. What a shame and a half.

I guess Vince McMahon doesn't appreciate songs that sound like they were performed by the 80s pop duo Roxette. Then again, Vince is not the genius that he claims to be. When you're the father and not the father of Hornswoggle, you are far from a genius. When you cannot control your bladder in the presence of Stone Cold Steve Austin, you are not that smart. When you create the XFL, the NFL laughs at you, then steals your overhead camera technique for their games. One day, Vince McMahon should see the error of his ways. Together, Vince and Lilian could have made millions. It must've been profitable, but it's over now.

The Verdict: **1/2
Hugh Jackman is a firefighter trying to fan the flames of love. Kate Hudson is a LPGA star who has grown tired of double-bogeying her relationships. Former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler is an extra because she is not good enough to take significant roles in mediocre films. Fire in the Hole -- where there's smoke, there's romance. Christmas 2008.

Track 6: "Yo No Se"

If I didn’t know that Lilian Garcia was a ring announcer in her mid-thirties, her singing voice in “Yo No Se” would lead me to believe that she was a teenage girl. As she sings this song, she plans to get a belly button ring without her father's consent. Your body is a temple, Lilian. Think twice before your act. In all, Lilian Garcia does not even sound like Lilian Garcia in "Yo No Se." Either she has been replaced by another woman, or she has morphed into Amy Lee from Evanescence. Poor Evanescence. You were the Saliva of early-2000 WWE. A year or so later, the bodies hit the floor, not once, not twice, but thrice.

Apparently, the Lilian’s theme to ¡Quiero Vivir! is a new beginning that stems from a past, hurtful end. Anyone worth his of her prestigious title of wrestling fan knows what Lilian has been through during her time with the company. How come anyone whom Lilian wants to love decides to leave her? How come she can't accidentally fall from an apron without injuring herself? Inquiring minds are game for anything. First and foremost, they desire to inquire. I recommend that Lilian review her previous romances and determine the true person at fault. The eventual answer may surprise her. The answer is Lilian.

The Verdict: **
Man Woman, she sure does a lot of searching.

Track 7: "Estoy Endrograda"

How come WWE chose to endorse the song "Estoy Endrograda"? Obviously, this song is about drugs. These are not Flintstones Chewables; these are the drugs that run through Lilian Garcia's body and soul. When will WWE step in and suspend Lilian Garcia for her first, admitted violation of the Wellness Policy? Lilian can mask her recreational drug use however she pleases. With that said, she should not sing the praises of her seedy activities. What performance does Lilian need to enhance exactly? Talking? Standing up in a dress and grinning in the background while a wrestler poses for the fans before a match? In terms of performance enhancing drug usage, Lilian is the Chris Masters of WWE ring announcers. In comparison, Smackdown's Justin Roberts is Funaki and Tony Chimel is Jimmy Wang Yang. Funaki and Yang's physiques are the most artificial in the company, but the former Masterpiece trumped them both. Would you like to take the Lilian Garcia Challenge? Lilian goes for the double underhook -- the double underhook on drugs.

In this song, Lilian experiences a euphoric feeling that resembles flying in the air. She adds that she has never felt this feeling before. From what I gather, Lilian Garcia is a liar. Because she is a lair of many languages, she is a greater liar than any monolingual individual could ever be. How dare she lie to us in English and Spanish. What language is safe from her stark white lies? Deep down that Latin American heart of hers is a devilish trickster. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, Lilian Garcia (most likely in a rhythmic, musical form). Until that day arrives, I will not let your dishonesty spoil my honest nature. I am as pure as white snow.

The Verdict: Zero Stars
Lilian Garcia bathes in human growth hormone. She does not comprehend the concept of soap.

Track 8: "Devastada"

Lilian Garcia is devastated about something. She is devastated like what. In "Devastada," Garcia sings about a man (or woman, or child, or question mark) who cowardly leaves her without notice or explanation. How can someone leave Lilian Garcia without phoning first? Even if you come up with a bad excuse, I think Lilian will understand. Whatever you do, you must call her and inform her about the details of your departure. Tell her that you have been drafted into the war. Phone her up and say that you can't find your way out of a black hole. Admit to her that you are unable to escape from an infinite corn maze. At the very least, Lilian Garcia deserves closure. Back in the day, she beat Howard Finkel to a pulp -- a pulp that wears a nice tuxedo in time for WrestleMania. If you hurt her, don't be shocked if she tracks you down and lands a few haymakers on your sorry face.

Lilian never thought you could do this to her, but you done did it, didn‘t you? In response, I am with her on this one. I thought you were a good guy. When I first met shook your hand, I thought you were cool. I saw your acts of generosity. You barged into the building and gave those thirsty kids some Kool-Aid. You had the pitcher in your hand, but they tried to drink you instead. I saw you in your sunglasses. You wore a Hawaiian shirt. I did not know that Hawaiian shirts came in your size. Yes, you forgot to wear pants, but I let that one instance of forgetfulness slide. After hearing "Devastada," you should be ashamed of yourself, man. Garcia cannot agree with anything in an enthusiastic manner anymore. She drinks Kool-Aid with a slight, false smile of satisfaction.

The Verdict: **
"Devastada" devastates me as well. How can you live with yourself, Kool-Aid Man? Additionally, how do you stay at a cold temperature throughout the day? Do you add ice to yourself?

Track 9: "Quiero Encontrarte"

No amount of gongs and cymbals can make Lilian's "Quiero Encontrarte" stand out from the rest of the album. Firstly, Lilian must decide whether she wants to live or find people, places, or things. Secondly, Lilian Garcia must find a way to diversify her music. With most of the songs in ¡Quiero Vivir!, I envision Lilian prancing and singing on a mountaintop, declaring her newfound zest for life to the townspeople. Ring those bells, Esteban. Lilian Garcia's spirit soars like the American Eagle in a sombrero. I am no musical expert, but I sense a definite pattern with her music. Although her debut album features twelve songs, two are English translations. Out of those ten remaining Spanish songs, three or four stick with me seconds after I hear them; the rest are forgettable.

If Lilian wishes to find something, I suggest that she should look for songs to sing that do not sound the same. Also, she should announce some matches in her songs. I demand metaphorical battles between Rey Mysterio and Kane in her music. Overall, I prefer any type of battle that features Rey Mysterio and Kane, except those that are actual. If Lilian can provide this alternative, I will forgive her for all those times that she stared at Trish Stratus in a disturbing way.

The Verdict: *1/2
What does Rey Mysterio versus Kane represent to me? Danger. Imminent danger.

Track 10: "Under In Love"

Lilian is over being under in love in English. As a whole, this translation does not add much to ¡Quiero Vivir! Unless Universal Latino wanted to pad the album, I see no use for "Under in Love." English-speaking wrestling fans are not going to pay ten dollars for two songs, let alone ten dollars for two songs they can understand and ten songs they cannot. Perhaps Lilian made a conscious decision to add a few English translations to put the listeners at ease. When you are in the same quarters as those who speak a foreign language, do you ever get the feeling that they are speaking ill of you? Yes? Well, do you ever think that these same people are going to gang up on you, wrestling-stable style, unless you find yourself a black bat to wield for the purpose of self-defense? If so, Lilian has you covered. As far as "Under in Love" goes, Lilian refuses to talk about your horrible fashion sense and bowl-cut hairdo. She is not going to gather up her Latina girlfriends, corner you in an Tijuanan alley, and kill you softly with her song. As of this writing, she is not that kind of person.

I cannot help but yawn while listening to "Under in Love." Her singing is competent. The lyrics follow a simple, rhyming formula. The music is... musical. Whether or not Lilian Garcia made this album in a mall should be a fact up for debate. Plus, no matter how I approach the song, I fail to relate. I admit that I have never been over being under in love, but I am married to the written word. Can the written word love me back? Can the written word take care of me when I'm sick? Can the written word help me express my thoughts? The written word can do two out of the three tasks, but not the most important one. Not the one that matters to my fragile heart.

The Verdict: *1/2
I am over Lilian being over being under in love.

Track 11: "Where Did Love Go?"

With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" in English. My insider sources inform me that love went away when WWE released Viscera. Most of you are unaware that love is a morbidly obese yet surprisingly agile five-hundred-pound man, but now you know the truth. No wonder why love is a battlefield. The battle against the bulge is the greatest war of our modern day. In a shocking development, the English version of "Where Did Love Go?" does not sound like a song from a Disney film, but a pop-country tune that gets regular play on CMT. In this case, Lilian is the Latina doppelganger of Faith Hill while Jon Secada is the Afro-Cuban Tim McGraw. In every Faith Hill and Tim McGraw video, they sing a duet in some sort of empty forest. What is the professional wrestling equivalent to an empty forest? Extreme Championship Wrestling on Sci Fi. Thus, Lilian and Jon's fake love for each other exists under extreme rules. How romantic.

When Jon Secada appeared on RAW to support Lilian Garcia's album, about negative five people recognized him (three of whom thought he was Ricky Martin's cousin). Where does Jon Secada take this newfound superstardom from here? All the way to the main event, people. Think of the moneymaking matchups between Jon Secada and Shawn Michaels, Jon Secada and The Undertaker, and Jon Secada and John Cena. Jon Secada is money in the wrestling ring. You saw the confused look on his face. He's not even positive that he attended a professional wrestling event on that fateful Monday night. He's one-half of your WrestleMania XXV main event.

The Verdict: **
Jon Secada is your hookup. Holler if you think cicada sounds like Secada.

Track 12: "Que Seria"

As one of the more listenable tracks of ¡Quiero Vivir!, "Que Seria" sure asks a whole lot of ill-conceived questions. Listening to music should be a relaxing and enjoyable time, not a stressful and educational chore. What would the skies be without the stars? Why are you so curious? If I had to guess, the skies without stars would be starless skies. What would the sun be without its rays? What are you talking about, Lilian? A sun without rays is not possible. A sun sans rays is a Tampa Bay Rays organization without a "Nasty Boy" Brian Knobbs present to heckle their opposition. What would the earth be without flowers? I assume that the earth would be brown and or slutty. Once you take away flowers from the earth, you might as well take away their purity.

After consulting the English translation to this song, I think Lilian Garcia has tricked us once again. Does Lilian want to entertain and inspire us with this melodic, emotional piece, or does she wish to use us to complete her philosophy homework? You should’ve asked us these questions earlier, Lilian. Now you'll have to rush in order to submit your worksheet on time. For the last track of any album, the artist should make an effort to leave the listener on a positive, contemplative note. With "Que Seria," Lilian proves that she is a hardcore procrastinator.

The Verdict: ***
What is a song sung during a time when Lilian should be studying? No TV for her tonight.

The Super Verdict: **
An inoffensive but unremarkable album from WWE's Lady of Ringside. Lilian could learn a thing of five from Jillian. To this day, people are still jingling with her.