Monday, November 24, 2008

The Audible: Lilian Garcia's ¡Quiero Vivir!


In October 2007, RAW ring announcer Lilian "The Thrilian" Garcia released ¡Quiero Vivir! onto the world. As Lilian tried to reach out to WWE's large, Spanish-speaking audience with her forceful yet elegant voice, the audience reached back and said, "No, I don't think so. Maybe next time." Why? Perhaps Lilian and Universal Music Latino overestimated the number of fans who enjoy professional wrestling and overproduced pop music from the year 1999. Perhaps the Latinos were to blame, what with their intense love for low riders, Chihuahuas, and Chihuahuas riding low riders. On its first week of release, ¡Quiero Vivir! sold under four thousand copies -- a disappointing number at best. Despite the fact that WWE fans have not and may never take to Lilian Garcia's album, I plan to open up my mind to her musical work.

In preparation for this unique listening experience, I tried to become a worldly individual. Throughout the months of October and November, I ate many foreign foods, such as American apple pies, French fries, and cheese fried by a chef who looked sort of German in the mouth area. In hopes to become one with the Latino people, I visited a local Taco Bell and smelled the sweet Mexican scents of zesty beef and Mountain Dew. Man, they do think outside the bun. While I am not yet fluent in Spanish, I learned that "gato" means cat. Therefore, I guess I am set. Get ready, Lilian Garcia.

For the non-believers, let me tell you that Spanish songs by Lilian Garcia and professional wrestling go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Undoubtedly, this debut album and I shall be a match made in many heavenly heavens. A long time ago in World Wrestling Entertainment, Lilian Garcia announced, "Making their way to the ring... Lita!" I'm pretty sure that her album will be as great as said announcement. Actually, I'm super sure. If ¡Quiero Vivir! is not as spectacular as that announcement, I will give you my life savings. That's right -- thirty-three cents and a Mason jar of what could have been.

In this installment of The Audible, Lilian Garcia wants to live. And I want to partake in similar activities. Show me how to live and stuff. Show me how to live.


Track 1: "¡Quiero Vivir! (I Want To Live)"

Lilian Garcia breaks free from the chains of not living and decides to live, but in Spanish. Due to her use of exclamation points, she must be enthusiastic in this pursuit. For a song that champions new life and experiences, its sound is fairly derivative. Although ¡Quiero Vivir! is made to get the party started, I did not want to attend this social function in the first place. While Lilian tries her best to be Gloria Estefan, she is but a poor imitation. I am positive that she does not have a Sound Machine that hails from Miami either. As of this moment, I would like to obtain my coat and leave this party, but I forget where I put my coat. Furthermore, I don't know if I brought a coat to this party or thought that I brought one. A song like "¡Quiero Vivir! tends to disorientate its listeners with its blandness. For me, this song makes me question my own existence and ownership of coats.

On a past episode of RAW, Lilian played this wonderful tune for millions of viewers. How did those viewers respond, you ask or think about asking? They reacted with polite applause. In the first stage of this listening session, I do not wish to hate on Lilian, but she is making my job difficult. After all, Lilian often receives unfathomable hatred on a weekly basis from fans and critics alike. What’s the deal? Once in a while, somebody needs to give that horse a carrot or two. Am I right, or am I right, Triple H? As Lilian's face resembles that of a horse, yours is flawless, correct? Oh, Hunter. You and your needless, unwise jokes. Stick it to that evil Lilian. She deserves your sarcastic but hurtful insults for reasons unbeknownst to me. Out of everyone who wants to live, you want to live more. I salute your efforts with my saluting arm.

The Verdict: 1/2
Triple H must get in on this song and make it better. Is Motorhead the answer? Whenever Triple H gets involved, is Motorhead never not the answer? How much volume does a typical ocean liner displace? Motorhead.


Track 2: "Angel"

Lilian Garcia channels her inner Avril Lavigne with "Angel," which not an English song. Why do you tease me with your English words and Spanish songs, Lilian? According to this up-tempo, pop-rock song, you speak of an angel who never leaves your side. In English, does "Angel" mean "Ghostly Stalker" by any chance? Even though I may be in the wrong, I do not want the company of any angel, regardless of his or her true intentions. Every time I buy pizza, you know that angel is going to ask in a shy manner if he or she can have a slice. Who am I to deny an angel of pizza? Pan pizza will solve this problem, yet will not suffice my hunger.

Nevertheless, your bait-and-switch techniques are disturbing, Ms. Garcia. You work about ten minutes per week as the RAW ring announcer, then spend the rest of your Monday sitting and doing nothing, but don't take your frustration out on me. I did not create the wrestling announcer job, nor do I agree with the current, minimal duties that your occupation entails. If World Wrestling Entertainment was my company, my ring announcers would introduce matches, build and take apart wrestling rings, set up arena lighting, book matches, train wrestlers, cater, capture the McMahons in a reinforced but roomy cage, and dress everyone. Ring announcers do not get a free pass in my WWE. Truly, they receive no passes. I am not a lenient hall monitor.

The Verdict: *
This song is an English Angel on the outside, but a Spanish Angel on the inside. False packaging does not impress me.


Track 3: "Adonde (Where Did Love Go?)" with Jon Secada

With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s, contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" but in Spanish. If Lilian Garcia was a Latina Pocahontas, and Jon Secada was an Afro-Cuban John Smith, I bet they could paint with all the colours of the wind to this song. Before I heard this song, I only knew how to paint in black and white. Plus, I find the act of painting with colours of the wind rather difficult. How do I get those wind colours on my paintbrush? Regardless, this is a harmless and uplifting ditty. Hey, Geraldo Disney; I want you to put "Adonde" in your next animated motion picture. In all my years as a professional wrestling analyst who has the ability to hear, I have never listened to a song as Disney-riffic as "Adonde." Where did their love go exactly? Did Jafar take it and turn into a snake to scare a whole bunch of little children, or does Cruella de Vil want to use their lost love to make herself a fashionable coat?

Wherever that love may be, I pray that Lilian and Jon can find it. I know that the two are not actually in love, but I sense some chemistry between them. I'm talking about the type of chemistry that rivals the love between Victoria and Kenny Dykstra, or Vince McMahon and a barking Trish Stratus. Maybe love was never lost in this crazy place we call Earth. Maybe love was in their hearts all along. Fade to black. James Blunt song. To be continued?

The Verdict: **1/2
This song is rated G for Great. Also, G is for green, which is one of the colours that Lilian and Jon can paint in winds, whether forceful or otherwise.


Track 4: "Desenamorada (Under in Love)"

Like any masculine male, my favourite music comes from women's deodorant commercials. For the lady on the go, nothing says freshness and cleanness than exposing your underarms to strangers in the street to an inoffensive rock song about female independence. Thanks to "Desenamorada," Lilian Garcia recreates those fine memories for me and the rest of the sisterhood. I'm glad that Lilian is over being under in love, but in Spanish. In my opinion, being under in love is problematic in that one cannot position oneself in accordance to an abstract concept. I would not even try to get beside or against love for I know that is a hopeless endeavour. Love is an idea, not an object that exists in the real world. Love is like D'Lo Brown. Have you seen D'Lo Brown lately? World Wrestling Entertainment brought him back in hologram form. He is not a human being anymore. He is a feeling. He is never present, yet one can sense his presence.

With the help of "Desenamorada," tomorrow will be a grand day. I will get up, put on my pantsuit, and talk to the camera about the lack of white residue on my clothes and skin. I am sassy because I smell like lilac in the summertime. Whenever you are available, please take a whiff. I did not film this comparison test with the "other brand" on a flat, light blue surface for no reason. Hard work needs hard protection from perspiration.

The Verdict: *1/2
"Desenamorada" inspires me to buy an entire case of Lady Speed Stick. I want to feel free and airy, too.


Track 5: "Ya Veras"

For you aspiring directors and screenwriters who have a romantic comedy in mind about a one-legged, hunky firefighter who falls in love with a one-armed, female golfer, "Ya Veras" is the song for you. The day that your film, which you will call Fire in the Hole", comes to a theatre near me, I will watch and wait for Lilian Garcia’s voice to grace the silver screen with her hopeful song. Sometimes, I wonder why WWE refuses to use Lilian Garcia's songs to hype up their Pay-Per-Views, at least until I realize that one-legged, hunky firefighters never fall in love with one-armed, female golfers within the confines of a towering steel cage. If "Ya Veras" is correct, tomorrow brings promise, but I don't believe that promise applies to Lilian Garcia songs and WWE Pay-Per-Views. What a shame and a half.

I guess Vince McMahon doesn't appreciate songs that sound like they were performed by the 80s pop duo Roxette. Then again, Vince is not the genius that he claims to be. When you're the father and not the father of Hornswoggle, you are far from a genius. When you cannot control your bladder in the presence of Stone Cold Steve Austin, you are not that smart. When you create the XFL, the NFL laughs at you, then steals your overhead camera technique for their games. One day, Vince McMahon should see the error of his ways. Together, Vince and Lilian could have made millions. It must've been profitable, but it's over now.

The Verdict: **1/2
Hugh Jackman is a firefighter trying to fan the flames of love. Kate Hudson is a LPGA star who has grown tired of double-bogeying her relationships. Former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler is an extra because she is not good enough to take significant roles in mediocre films. Fire in the Hole -- where there's smoke, there's romance. Christmas 2008.


Track 6: "Yo No Se"

If I didn’t know that Lilian Garcia was a ring announcer in her mid-thirties, her singing voice in “Yo No Se” would lead me to believe that she was a teenage girl. As she sings this song, she plans to get a belly button ring without her father's consent. Your body is a temple, Lilian. Think twice before your act. In all, Lilian Garcia does not even sound like Lilian Garcia in "Yo No Se." Either she has been replaced by another woman, or she has morphed into Amy Lee from Evanescence. Poor Evanescence. You were the Saliva of early-2000 WWE. A year or so later, the bodies hit the floor, not once, not twice, but thrice.

Apparently, the Lilian’s theme to ¡Quiero Vivir! is a new beginning that stems from a past, hurtful end. Anyone worth his of her prestigious title of wrestling fan knows what Lilian has been through during her time with the company. How come anyone whom Lilian wants to love decides to leave her? How come she can't accidentally fall from an apron without injuring herself? Inquiring minds are game for anything. First and foremost, they desire to inquire. I recommend that Lilian review her previous romances and determine the true person at fault. The eventual answer may surprise her. The answer is Lilian.

The Verdict: **
Man Woman, she sure does a lot of searching.


Track 7: "Estoy Endrograda"

How come WWE chose to endorse the song "Estoy Endrograda"? Obviously, this song is about drugs. These are not Flintstones Chewables; these are the drugs that run through Lilian Garcia's body and soul. When will WWE step in and suspend Lilian Garcia for her first, admitted violation of the Wellness Policy? Lilian can mask her recreational drug use however she pleases. With that said, she should not sing the praises of her seedy activities. What performance does Lilian need to enhance exactly? Talking? Standing up in a dress and grinning in the background while a wrestler poses for the fans before a match? In terms of performance enhancing drug usage, Lilian is the Chris Masters of WWE ring announcers. In comparison, Smackdown's Justin Roberts is Funaki and Tony Chimel is Jimmy Wang Yang. Funaki and Yang's physiques are the most artificial in the company, but the former Masterpiece trumped them both. Would you like to take the Lilian Garcia Challenge? Lilian goes for the double underhook -- the double underhook on drugs.

In this song, Lilian experiences a euphoric feeling that resembles flying in the air. She adds that she has never felt this feeling before. From what I gather, Lilian Garcia is a liar. Because she is a lair of many languages, she is a greater liar than any monolingual individual could ever be. How dare she lie to us in English and Spanish. What language is safe from her stark white lies? Deep down that Latin American heart of hers is a devilish trickster. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, Lilian Garcia (most likely in a rhythmic, musical form). Until that day arrives, I will not let your dishonesty spoil my honest nature. I am as pure as white snow.

The Verdict: Zero Stars
Lilian Garcia bathes in human growth hormone. She does not comprehend the concept of soap.


Track 8: "Devastada"

Lilian Garcia is devastated about something. She is devastated like what. In "Devastada," Garcia sings about a man (or woman, or child, or question mark) who cowardly leaves her without notice or explanation. How can someone leave Lilian Garcia without phoning first? Even if you come up with a bad excuse, I think Lilian will understand. Whatever you do, you must call her and inform her about the details of your departure. Tell her that you have been drafted into the war. Phone her up and say that you can't find your way out of a black hole. Admit to her that you are unable to escape from an infinite corn maze. At the very least, Lilian Garcia deserves closure. Back in the day, she beat Howard Finkel to a pulp -- a pulp that wears a nice tuxedo in time for WrestleMania. If you hurt her, don't be shocked if she tracks you down and lands a few haymakers on your sorry face.

Lilian never thought you could do this to her, but you done did it, didn‘t you? In response, I am with her on this one. I thought you were a good guy. When I first met shook your hand, I thought you were cool. I saw your acts of generosity. You barged into the building and gave those thirsty kids some Kool-Aid. You had the pitcher in your hand, but they tried to drink you instead. I saw you in your sunglasses. You wore a Hawaiian shirt. I did not know that Hawaiian shirts came in your size. Yes, you forgot to wear pants, but I let that one instance of forgetfulness slide. After hearing "Devastada," you should be ashamed of yourself, man. Garcia cannot agree with anything in an enthusiastic manner anymore. She drinks Kool-Aid with a slight, false smile of satisfaction.

The Verdict: **
"Devastada" devastates me as well. How can you live with yourself, Kool-Aid Man? Additionally, how do you stay at a cold temperature throughout the day? Do you add ice to yourself?


Track 9: "Quiero Encontrarte"

No amount of gongs and cymbals can make Lilian's "Quiero Encontrarte" stand out from the rest of the album. Firstly, Lilian must decide whether she wants to live or find people, places, or things. Secondly, Lilian Garcia must find a way to diversify her music. With most of the songs in ¡Quiero Vivir!, I envision Lilian prancing and singing on a mountaintop, declaring her newfound zest for life to the townspeople. Ring those bells, Esteban. Lilian Garcia's spirit soars like the American Eagle in a sombrero. I am no musical expert, but I sense a definite pattern with her music. Although her debut album features twelve songs, two are English translations. Out of those ten remaining Spanish songs, three or four stick with me seconds after I hear them; the rest are forgettable.

If Lilian wishes to find something, I suggest that she should look for songs to sing that do not sound the same. Also, she should announce some matches in her songs. I demand metaphorical battles between Rey Mysterio and Kane in her music. Overall, I prefer any type of battle that features Rey Mysterio and Kane, except those that are actual. If Lilian can provide this alternative, I will forgive her for all those times that she stared at Trish Stratus in a disturbing way.

The Verdict: *1/2
What does Rey Mysterio versus Kane represent to me? Danger. Imminent danger.


Track 10: "Under In Love"

Lilian is over being under in love in English. As a whole, this translation does not add much to ¡Quiero Vivir! Unless Universal Latino wanted to pad the album, I see no use for "Under in Love." English-speaking wrestling fans are not going to pay ten dollars for two songs, let alone ten dollars for two songs they can understand and ten songs they cannot. Perhaps Lilian made a conscious decision to add a few English translations to put the listeners at ease. When you are in the same quarters as those who speak a foreign language, do you ever get the feeling that they are speaking ill of you? Yes? Well, do you ever think that these same people are going to gang up on you, wrestling-stable style, unless you find yourself a black bat to wield for the purpose of self-defense? If so, Lilian has you covered. As far as "Under in Love" goes, Lilian refuses to talk about your horrible fashion sense and bowl-cut hairdo. She is not going to gather up her Latina girlfriends, corner you in an Tijuanan alley, and kill you softly with her song. As of this writing, she is not that kind of person.

I cannot help but yawn while listening to "Under in Love." Her singing is competent. The lyrics follow a simple, rhyming formula. The music is... musical. Whether or not Lilian Garcia made this album in a mall should be a fact up for debate. Plus, no matter how I approach the song, I fail to relate. I admit that I have never been over being under in love, but I am married to the written word. Can the written word love me back? Can the written word take care of me when I'm sick? Can the written word help me express my thoughts? The written word can do two out of the three tasks, but not the most important one. Not the one that matters to my fragile heart.

The Verdict: *1/2
I am over Lilian being over being under in love.


Track 11: "Where Did Love Go?"

With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" in English. My insider sources inform me that love went away when WWE released Viscera. Most of you are unaware that love is a morbidly obese yet surprisingly agile five-hundred-pound man, but now you know the truth. No wonder why love is a battlefield. The battle against the bulge is the greatest war of our modern day. In a shocking development, the English version of "Where Did Love Go?" does not sound like a song from a Disney film, but a pop-country tune that gets regular play on CMT. In this case, Lilian is the Latina doppelganger of Faith Hill while Jon Secada is the Afro-Cuban Tim McGraw. In every Faith Hill and Tim McGraw video, they sing a duet in some sort of empty forest. What is the professional wrestling equivalent to an empty forest? Extreme Championship Wrestling on Sci Fi. Thus, Lilian and Jon's fake love for each other exists under extreme rules. How romantic.

When Jon Secada appeared on RAW to support Lilian Garcia's album, about negative five people recognized him (three of whom thought he was Ricky Martin's cousin). Where does Jon Secada take this newfound superstardom from here? All the way to the main event, people. Think of the moneymaking matchups between Jon Secada and Shawn Michaels, Jon Secada and The Undertaker, and Jon Secada and John Cena. Jon Secada is money in the wrestling ring. You saw the confused look on his face. He's not even positive that he attended a professional wrestling event on that fateful Monday night. He's one-half of your WrestleMania XXV main event.

The Verdict: **
Jon Secada is your hookup. Holler if you think cicada sounds like Secada.


Track 12: "Que Seria"

As one of the more listenable tracks of ¡Quiero Vivir!, "Que Seria" sure asks a whole lot of ill-conceived questions. Listening to music should be a relaxing and enjoyable time, not a stressful and educational chore. What would the skies be without the stars? Why are you so curious? If I had to guess, the skies without stars would be starless skies. What would the sun be without its rays? What are you talking about, Lilian? A sun without rays is not possible. A sun sans rays is a Tampa Bay Rays organization without a "Nasty Boy" Brian Knobbs present to heckle their opposition. What would the earth be without flowers? I assume that the earth would be brown and or slutty. Once you take away flowers from the earth, you might as well take away their purity.

After consulting the English translation to this song, I think Lilian Garcia has tricked us once again. Does Lilian want to entertain and inspire us with this melodic, emotional piece, or does she wish to use us to complete her philosophy homework? You should’ve asked us these questions earlier, Lilian. Now you'll have to rush in order to submit your worksheet on time. For the last track of any album, the artist should make an effort to leave the listener on a positive, contemplative note. With "Que Seria," Lilian proves that she is a hardcore procrastinator.

The Verdict: ***
What is a song sung during a time when Lilian should be studying? No TV for her tonight.


The Super Verdict: **
An inoffensive but unremarkable album from WWE's Lady of Ringside. Lilian could learn a thing of five from Jillian. To this day, people are still jingling with her.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

In all honesty i have to say that your comments about Lilian's songs are harsh and inaccurate to say the least. I dont mean this nastily, it is only my opinion but perhaps you dont quite understand the meanings of all of the songs?

Stephen Rivera said...

Thanks for commenting, Anonymous. I don't think you understand the point of this site, but thanks.