Monday, October 30, 2006

Squared Circle of Fortune

Can you solve "Da Puzz"?

Note: Letters can be used again because this is the freakin' Squared Circle of Fortune, pally.

It's the Great DX, Edge and Orton

Edge and Randy Orton believe in a strange hybrid of Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Oprah named: The Great DX.

Former WWE Champion Edge believes that the Great Pumpkin will emerge from the pumpkin patch on Halloween night and deliver Pedigrees and Sweet Chin Musicals to all the true believing competitors. Of course, Randy must take the blunt of it because no one sees any harm in making him lose all the time. Together, they actually want to be in the patch when the courageous givers of ass kickings rise from the earth.

October 31st is circled on all of the calendars, marking the night of Halloween for Edge and Orton. Lita gets on-screen boyfriend Edge to carry her home, but Edge decides that she is too disease-ridden to hold with two bare hands, so he uses a Hazmat suit. While the other wrestlers are busy preferring to have sexual relations with roosters with hilarious results, Edge is penning his annual letter to the Great DX:

Lita is obviously concerned about her boyfriend, who is ridiculed by internet savvy wrestling fans for putting his dingle where Matt Hardy used to dangle. Edge patiently explains the amazingness of the Great DX to Randy Orton, but he dismisses Orton's uncertainty as a matter of Randy's overly decorative t-shirt clouding his conscience.

Every year, Edge returns to the most "In This Very" pumpkin patch he can find...

Edge: "Here we are, Jonathan Coachman, standing in the patch waiting for the Great DX. Every Halloween the Great DX rises from the patch with wreckless abandon, and just think, if you and I stand here all night, we may get pantsed by them!"

Edge walks up to Coachman with a look of glee.

Edge: "I really appreciate your standing out here with me, Coach. I must admit, however, that I've been wondering why you're wearing a full body wet suit?"
Jonathan Coachman: "There are certain times when you prefer not to have your posterior shown on national television for disappointing comedic effect!"

One year, The R Rated Superstar persuades Lita to ditch her first year of trick-or-treating and keep vigil in the pumpkin patch with the pseudo-love of her life. As the other wrestlers go trick-or-treating, Randy Orton is found wearing his famous smug a-hole costume, which has 190 a-holes instead of the traditional 94. As the wrestlers count their haul of RAW Energy Drinks and Stacker 2 pills, Randy Orton sifts through his bag of goodies.

Randy Orton says: "I got hand lotion."

After trick-or-treating is over, the WWE superstars, minus Edge and Lita, gather for the rest of the evening for a televised Halloween party that will most likely end in a amusing food fight that's only mildly entertaining because the camera angles are so quick, the viewer can't tell what the hell is taking place. The highlight of the party is when Stephanie McMahon goes bobbing for apples and brings up an apple with "The Macho Man" Randy Savage on the other end of it.

After being lectured by Stephanie about "Slim Jim germs", Savage decides to go out on patrol searching for the Orange Goblin. As the heroic fighter pilot lurks through the tropical tundra of Miami (actually his own mind), he struggles to find his way through the mess. Surprisingly, he ends up all the way in the pumpkin patch.

Savage stands up off of the patch and beings to spin around in a circle, twirling his finger in the air. Edge, thinking the Great DX has finally arrived, peers into the patch with a toothy grin. Lita is fairly angered when she finds out that she spent the whole night in a patch, missing out on the party and lewd insults, only to witness an old guy that for some reason released a rap album.

Lita: "I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great DX when I could have been out giving and receiving! Halloween is over and I missed it! You horse face! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great DX and all that came was a geriatric!"

Lita continues to yell at Edge.

Lita: "I didn't get a chance to put on a witch costume with the top cut so low, you could see my cooter! It's all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could have had sex celebrations a-go-go! I could have got my swerve on with a Frankenstein lawn ornament, but no! I had to follow you. You horse face. What a fool I was. Trick or treats only come once a year, and I miss it by standing in a pumpkin with a horse face. I want reparations, Sexton Hardcastle!"

Randy Orton meets Edge in the patch. They discuss what has just occurred.

Edge: "You've heard about the fury of a woman scorned?"
Randy Orton: "Yeah, sure."
Edge: "Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of sexy time."

As Edge and Orton leave the patch together, a familiar theme plays over the loudspeakers of nature. The thumping tune is mashed together with on-screen graphics of a green X, an exploding bridge, and the ill-conceived X-shaped bridge which lead both lanes of traffic into the water; Lita turns around to see the sight.

Suddenly, Shawn Michaels and Triple H attack them and constantly tell the Halloween audience that Edge and Orton are gay and are gay with each other and other gays who gay it up with the gays when the gay is gay. Their careers are never the same, but more gay.

This Halloween in Halloween Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the team of Edge and Randy Orton, collectively known as the brilliantly named Rated RKO, will be dressing up as Hall & Oates this Halloween?

A: I can't go for that, no-ah-oh (no). No can do.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 4th

Mr. Belvedere vs. Undertaker

Mr. Belvedere

Veteran in eyeliner, made him look like a girl,
but who cared?
When he signaled for the chokeslam
His foes tried to escape,
mighty scared.

But sometimes rings get turned around
and Taker's dared.
All fans look out below,
Belvedere is ready to go.
Gonna love all the pain
he dishes out.

According to his wrestling moveset,
his finish is a capture suplex.
We just might see a good fight yet.

The Question:
Who wins and how?

The Power of Morphoplex: Part 1

This article was originally posted in December 2005. It was a dark and stormy month in which dinosaurs overtook cities and fought gigantic butterflies amongst flimsy backdrops. Do you remember that time? I do. Morphoplex may not be associated with the wrestling world anymore, but tomorrow is a new beginning. Once again, if there is a particular article of mine from The Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment or send over an e-mail.



[The Chief Financial Officer of Morphoplex replied to the second part of this article. He was trying to be complimentative and insulting at the same time. If he thought I was trying to badmouth the company's product, he completely missed the point. If you have been following my articles for any significant length of time, you should know I avoid the obvious, or the expected; in fact, the title of this blog reflects that. For me to be scathing for the sake of being scathing is not in my nature. If you saw Morphoplex commercials on TNA programming several eons ago, you will understand why I decided to write about them. I don't know if he felt attacked or what, but it's too bad his reply was underhanded, because now I'll have to find another supplement to meet my needs as a bodybuilding writer.]

Maybe I'm the only one who notices this, but did you know that, on weekly installments of TNA Impact, they advertise this product called Morphoplex? Apparently, it's supposed to burn fat, but the moment it was mentioned, I was not convinced.

[Today, Morphoplex does not sponsor Total Non-Stop Action wrestling. Is it for the better? As of now, let's just say Samoa Joe's body mass index is questionable at best.]

The following visuals came into my mind when I first heard of the term "Morphoplex":

-A Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger (preferably the green one) executing a German suplex
-Morpheus from the Matrix Trilogy offering up spacious, but expensive duplex housing.
-The metamorphosis of Lex Luger from a muscular professional wrestler to a wolf that, for some reason, works at a factory that produces bubble wrap and packing peanuts (Basically, this could be a sitcom. If I wrote it, I'd title it "Wolfpacked").

[Wolfpacked is filmed in front of a live studio audience. We'll be "pack" after these messages.]

Upon extensive research of this supplement, I have learned that Morphoplex is one of the best inventions human beings have ever created. Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, sliced bread is a sorry excuse for regular bread anyway, so yes. How about the motorized car? Can an automobile make you lose weight and feel great? Actually, yes and no. If the car is made entirely out of Morphoplex capsules, the answer is a resounding hells yeah. If it's made out of normal car parts, then forget it.

[One of my dreams is to own a car that's entirely made of thick, corrugative cardboard. Those baseball bats which made a futuristic, echoing sound when you hit something would be its axles, and the tires would be various sizes of cheese wheels. In the road of life, there are passengers, and then there are people like me... rolling down the street in my crazy ass box-cheese-bat convertible.]

In this installment, I will explain the undeniable strengths of this amazing health product. Morphoplex has no weaknesses, since one of the benefits of taking Morphoplex that it forces the human mind to change its entire composition so it does not comprehend the meaning of "weakness".

The Power of Morphoplex

Fact 1: Can change Larry Zbyszko's last name to Nabisco just for fun.

Morphoplex is a strong, but laid back product. Therefore, it doesn't feel that it is necessary to put the Z's in Larry's last name in the right places. Honestly, it doesn't care about the name Zbyszko at all. "Larry who? What's that last part say? He must've made that up. I bet he was eating alphabet soup one day, and he ended up eating all the good letters accidentally. So, he just concocted a last name with what he had left," says Morphoplex. I don't know how it does it, but Morphoplex can indeed speak English. In fact, Morphoplex speech is incredibly eloquent for something that doesn't live or breath and has no vocal chords.

[Larry Zbyszko plays golf. I play mini-golf. Hence, I am better than The Living Legend. I never hit the windmill, Larry.]

Don't ask me why Morphoplex wishes to change The Living Legend's name to Larry Nabisco. All I know is that 1) it's awesome and 2) it can't get any more awesomer. Possibly, this means that TNA and Nabisco can finally work together in the wrestling/delicious snack collaboration of the century. How about, instead of TNA Bound for Glory, we get to watch TNA Chips Ahory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Lame? Don't worry, I'll go ask Morphoplex for a better name...

How about TNA Against All Oreos? Yeah, it's official -- I'm five years old.

[I wrote this article about a year ago, so happy sixth birthday to me. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I can't wait to go to Chuck E. Cheese with my first grade class, then see The Marine with a legal parental guardian.]

Fact 2: Leaves Traci Brooks' pants uncomfortably saggy.

With Morphoplex, TNA's own Traci says she can barely keep her pants on. I'm not positive, but I assume that's political commentary about our inability as a people to maintain peace within our borders. These "pants" represent our guarded nature to accept what's new and beneficial, but also mysterious, to our society. "Traci" saying she can "barely keep them on" means that... "she" must have "the sex"... "a lot".

[LOLOMGWTFNCAA @ Traci's implied promiscuity. In real life, I use the "hand quotes" gesture quite often. At first, I didn't even know I was using hand quotes; I just like to exercise my middle and index fingers while I talk.]

If Morphoplex was human, it'd probably be in jail for making Traci and several other women lose their pants privileges (although, it's not, so it's okay). If I knew Morphoplex could effortlessly take girls' pants off, I would have asked the Lord to give me an average appearance, instead of the ridiculously attractive one I currently possess. That way, I could live the mediocre life that I've always wanted. Somebody once told me that hard work can get you anything. Who was that individual? It was ECW, and it was terrible advice. Why? Well, where is ECW now? I am aware that ECW is not an actual person, but if it was, I bet it'd be really ugly and smell like a gymbag from... ancient Egypt. Yes, there were gymbags back then. I read in a book once that King Tut liked to play lacrosse, so that's another fact.

[In case you were wondering, I do have egg on my face for that ECW comment. ECW is alive and well under WWE's umbrella. To tell you the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised that the ECW of today is a quality product that produces a pretty entertaining hour of television each and every week. Yes, it's still ugly and smells like a gymbag, but this time, it's pre-taped and masked by Smackdown's Fall potpourri.]

Fact 3: Has the ability to defeat Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title 27+ times in a span of a month.

It's proven that Morphoplex is so powerful, that if it were released by WWE today, it'd sign with TNA soon after and defeat Jarrett for the NWA Title. It'd do this a lot. Sometimes, it'd win it about ten times in one edition of Impact (just to put it out there, I could do that, but I don't feel like it). "HE WON THE TITLE AGAIN! I’M SHOUTING!" Mike Tenay would say.

[Mike Tenay shouts. Don West shouts. What are they shouting about? I don't know exactly, but I bet they're repeating what a wrestler has just said:

Sting: I'm coming for you, Jarrett!
Mike: He's coming for you, Jarrett!
Don: Sting is coming for Jeff Jarrett and this is news to everyone!
TNA Audience: That man right there is Sting! That other guy is Jeff Jarrett! The former is coming for the latter! I am verbally expressing my excitement!]

Morphoplex's mortal enemies are Kings of Mountains, followed by Princes of Peninsulas and Mayors of McDonaldlands. Jeff Jarrett is perfectly okay with being hated since Morphoplex gives TNA money. "I ain't sayin' he's a gold digger", but Jeff likes to keep the number two promotion in North America afloat. That way, talented performers can make a living and feed their families. What is my response? Whatever, man. All I know is that a certain someone I know sells "selfish" by the sea shore. Some dude named Jeff Jarrett bought the entire supply.

[Yeah, who do I have to powerbomb to get some selfish around dem dere parts?]

Fact 4: Will make TNA Impact defeat WWE RAW with a 15.7 rating on Christmas Day.

Santa Claus and Vince McMahon are no match for the sleek sexiness of weight loss pills in a bottle. Several of TNA's admirers expect Spike TV to change Impact's timeslot to Monday nights. I assure the readers that this will happen (thanks to Morphoplex). For those that remember the Monday Night Wars between the former WWF and WCW, or the Friday Night Wars I had trying to decide whether to go out and expose myself to fresh air or stay inside and watch Boy Meets World, this would be the second installment. Morphoplex is like the Mr. Feeny to TNA's Cory Matthews. WWE would most likely be... Minkus. I just confused the entire world with that comparison, but you should know your Boy Meets World. I'm thinking of becoming a teacher, just so I can teach a class based on why Vader was so cool on that show. It’s time, Mr. Matthews. Vader Time, I presume.

[According to my televisionistic memory, Vader played Frankie Stechino's father on Boy Meets World. Frankie Stechino now plays Randy on My Name is Earl. What am I trying to say here? Vader makes careers via mere association. What happened to Ben Savage? Well, Vader is one for two there, but cut him some slack. He's just one man. He may look like two if you see him from a distance, but that's one guy.]

With Morphoplex, of course Impact would convincingly defeat RAW, even on December 25th. If you refer back to the story of the birth of Jesus Christ, you will see that The IV Wisemen (I want to say Ric Flair, Steve McMichael, Dean Malenko, and Chris Benoit with Arn Anderson, but I might be wrong) gave him gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a slimmer and trimmer Don West. I’m sure this is an animated special somewhere.
Also, take a look at the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 TNA Impacts
11 TNA Impacts
10 TNA Impacts
9 TNA Impacts
8 TNA Impacts
7 TNA Impacts
6 TNA Impacts
5 Cases of Morphoplex
4 TNA Impacts
3 TNA Impacts
2 TNA Impacts and a
Charismatic Enigma in a Fat Burning Tree

[What a wonderful parody of jingle bells I did. I'm like a jolly gold Saint Rickolas right here. Merry Halloween.]

Fact 5: Lowers gas prices to FREE.

To my understanding, George W. Bush is from Texas. That state has some tea, which is black and bubbly. I'm not from this America people speak of, but I'm sure there's still a little more there. When you're out of peanut butter, you look at the bottom of the lid. Once there, you get more peanut butter; the kind of peanut butter that is unexpected, yet welcome. Apparently, on this planet, we can't do that. The public's mindset has transformed into "Gas prices are too high! That's a lot of money to fill up the tank. When will cars run on Sunny Delight? Cause I have a ton of that at home, always next to the purple stuff." Gas prices just got higher after uttering that sentence aloud.

[I neither like nor dislike George W. Bush. In a match with Al Gore or John Kerry, Bush would win both times because he's the only person in either match I know for sure exists as an actual human being. Now, I assume a robot could beat him, but is that even plausible? Sure, a robot could become a good worker, but who the hell would agree to train it? A cyborg?]

So, what can be done? Once again, Morphoplex is the solution. By adding Morphoplex to your gasoline, it automatically becomes free. As you pull away from the station, with attendants screaming and cussing at you to pay for the damn gas, just say Morphoplex. If they don't nod their head and look up at the sky approvingly, they are aliens. Throw bottles of Morphoplex at them and their heads will explode.

In addition, George W. Bush will automatically be given an unprecedented 3rd term as United States President if he grasps the concept of Morphoplex. Republicans only asked for Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, but I'm sure they will still be happy. By the way, I heard Republicans are against the usage of Playstation 2's analog sticks as it reminds them of man parts. The Democrats just told me that maybe the Republicans actually like that it reminds them of man parts. Surely, this will be the #1 issue of the 2008 election.

[I'd rather be an Aristocat than a Republican or Democrat. As an Aristocat, I could live the good life as a cat. Take that, conservative and liberal individuals.]

Next Week: Elaboration on the power of Morphoplex. Also, send this article to 27 of your closest friends and your crush will fall in love with you.

[If you haven't done this by now, pick a number. Do you have it? Good. Your answer is the number of years you will have bad luck. I hope you have fun falling off of cliffs, running into sharp things, and combing Umaga's unruly hair.]

This Morphoplex in Morphoplex Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner, a sponsor of TNA, is actually Darth Vader... who is Anakin Skywalker... who is your father?

A: Wait, that can't be. That's from a movie, isn't it? Hold on... my mother said that she spent the night with a motion picture once. On second thought, it was a series of motion pictures. Uh oh.

[Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But, Senator Palpatine said...]

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 3rd

Dakota Fanning w/ Tom Cruise vs. Rey Mysterio
What you gonna do when she comes for you?
She acts too much like a grown adult.
What you gonna do when she comes for you?

Dakota. Dakota. Surname Fanning. (Hey)
Dakota. Dakota. That's her name-o.
Dakota. Dakota. Surname Fanning. (Hey)
Dakota. Dakota. Creepy girl actress.

This is the theme of Dakota Fanning.
Her name sounds a lot like Peyton Manning.
Flash up on the screen like Tom Cruise's daughter,
Skipped War of the Worlds, I didn't bother.

Can Rey Rey challenge or even manage
To teach this young girl how to speak Spanish?
Or will he greet her and then beat her?
Show up to her pizza party and defeat her?

Her parents may be a little mad,
But Rey does it for Eddie so they should be glad.
Do for Dominic too, yeah he better love it,
Stuffed crust in the stomach.
So don't put more cheese on it,
Just eat it.

They may in fact be the same height,
But they will have a great cruiserweight fight.
619 is in the store for the lady
But he'll need a star map first to find out where she's staying.

Dakota. Dakota. Surname Fanning .(Hey)
Dakota. Dakota. That's her name-o.
Dakota. Dakota. Surname Fanning. (Hey)
Dakota. Dakota. Creepy girl actress.

The Question:
Who wins and how?

Angle's Anatomy

If you've been living under a rock with low rent and free appliances, you must not know that Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle is the newest member of the Total Non-stop Action roster. Sunday, October 22, 2006 marks the day when Angle will be at Bound for Glory... as the special guest enforcer in the NWA World Heavyweight Title match between This Olde Slapnuts Jeff Jarrett and The Man They Call Sting. Wrestling fans are quite curious about the direction of Kurt in TNA. Will he do what's never been done before and become Jarrett's lackey? Will he do something physically or verbally impressive that excites colour commentator Don West so much, his speech becomes strained and hoarse? Will he wrestle? These are all questions we want answers for, but I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here. Yes, the acquisition of Angle was an impressive move by TNA. You can't help but look forward to such match-ups as Angle versus Samoa Joe, Angle versus Sting, Angle versus AJ Styles, and Angle versus Norman Smiley, but is Angle even healthy enough to compete? TNA President Dixie Carter, who is unfortunately not from the television show Designing Women, assures us that Kurt Angle is good to go. Am I convinced? Absolutely not. In my humble opinion, just because Angle is in a new company does not mean his pain is suddenly gone. Hey, I ate a salad today, but I'm going to McDonald's tomorrow. Using Kurt Angle logic, I never ate a salad.

Why do I feel this way about Kurt Angle in TNA? Well, why do you have to ask so many questions?

Anywho, my answer is below:
Reaction to Kurt Angle's X-Ray = Sideways Face Accentuated by the Letter O for A Mouth to Suggest A Surprised Expression A.K.A. <=^O

Pie Crust Skull Casing

Several years of stiff chair shots to the skull has forced Kurt's doctors to surgically implant a store-bought pie crust around the outer layer of his head in order to keep his face intact. The art of taking a chair shot is tricky because blocking a blow to the face with a hand or two is wise, but what's stopping you from back-handing yourself in the skull when the chair draws near? It'd be doubly ironic for someone whose hand was made out of steel. It's too late for Kurt, but he should've taken chair shots in the strongest part of his face: his eye.

Regulation Sized Wiffle Ball

Severe hemorrhage to Angle's head has made it impossible for him to keep his vulnerable, tender brain fully functional. Doctors assured him if he decided to continue to wrestle, he may have to sacrifice his capacity for human thoughts and emotions. Kurt was puzzled and saddened, but also intrigued about this news. What did he do? He told a shady doctor from Mexico to house the remaining parts of his brain inside of a wiffle ball. The average person claimed he was absolutely crazy for doing so, but he said to himself, "How else am I going to be able to continue to wrestle? I have no other options. At least with a wiffle ball, I can give my brain some air."

Today, Kurt Angle believes 1 + 2 = fishsticks... and he's much better for it.

Dollhouse Picket Fences

Some fans think Kurt wears a mouthpiece to appear in the same vein as a real amateur wrestler (which he used to be). Others believe he wears it for protection after having corrective dental surgery in light of a mishap in the ring with WWE Champion John Cena. While these two explanations seem plausible, they are fraudulent. Angle uses dollhouse picket fences to resemble actual teeth because he used all of the teeth on his upper jaw to coax the Tooth Fairy into providing him muscle relaxants and human growth hormone. Although picket fences aren't practical for eating or drinking, they do somewhat resemble a human set of chompers. I don't expect Kurt to brush his teeth anymore, since all he has to do to keep his fences in pristine condition is slap on a coat of white paint once in a while. It's all good in the hood for him, but then again, Kurt Angle benefits at the expense of poor little Conchita out there, trying to play with a dollhouse without a barrier between her safe, suburban area of residence and the dangerous projects located across the street.

Lego Building Bricks

Angle's quick fix, anti-fusion neck surgery proved to be unsuccessful for many reasons. I think the biggest reason was the following -- he told the doctor to put pointy, plastic, interconnecting rectangles inside of him. Lego is a toy, not a replacement for an actual neck. Look, when I play with Legos, I construct buildings, stairs, or buildings with stairs. Nowhere in the instruction manual of childhood does it say Lego blocks can be a good substitute for certain sections of the human body. Kurt Angle is either the most desperate wrestler ever, or the worst Lego builder ever. It was as if he bought a Lego set from Toys 'R' Us intended for the elaborate construction of a castle, though instead of a castle, he built a neck.

Used Popsicle Sticks

Do you know how hard it is to find popsticke sticks without popsicles attached to them? In elementary school, I tried to construct a wrestling ring out of popsicle sticks when everybody else was building bridges. How many did I use? Five and a half billion, and I had to pretend to enjoy popsicle flavours I hated, like grape. Sure, people were impressed by my eventual creation, yet the first time I used the ring, my classmate shoved me face first into the apron. I did not comically bounce off and hold my head in agony; several popsicle sticks impaled my face instead. According to professional wrestling standards, it looked pretty realistic, but it felt as choreographed as wooden sticks in a dude's face can get.

Sadly, Kurt Angle employed the assistance of his young daughter Kurtxena to eat as many popsicles as she could just so Kurt could implant them at the back of his neck to support the building blocks. Sooner or later, his neck is going to topple like a Jenga tower. Ker-plunk, Mr. Angle. Ker-plunk. Yahtzee. Trivial Pursuit.

Chewed Gum

Are chewed pieces of Dubble Bubble efficient adhesives for the skeleton of a human body? According to Kurt Angle and his person, they absolutely are. Not only do they sufficiently attach Angle's head, neck, and shoulders together, the included comics with each piece of bubble gum provide seconds and seconds of entertainment. Let me present an example of this finite, but deep hilarity:

The Setting: A man is walking his dog along an empty street. A young boy runs into the man accidentally.

Man: Hey, you should watch where you're going, kid!

Young Boy: Why don't you, mister?!

The man points to his dog.

Man: Well, then he's out of a job!

The young boy realizes the man cannot see because he is blind. They both chuckle with lines around their heads to suggest visual representations of laughter we experience in our everyday lives.
See? So funny... I think I just peed a little. I assure you that Kurt Angle finds similar joy. How dare you try to rob him of happiness.

Bike Handlebars
Your Olympic Hero's sternum was unfortunately destroyed at Summerslam 2000. In a triple threat match for the WWF/WWE World Heavyweight Championship, Kurt Angle suffered a concussion after a botched announcer's table spot with Triple H. Angle took most of the bout to come to, forcing Hunter and the Rock to continue the match by themselves. Little do people know that the moment Angle hit the floor, his sternum shattered like a flourescent light tube hitting the back of some out-of-shape indy guy with a dirty, smelly shirt named Buckets McGuffin.
With the heart of the warrior, and the brains of The Warrior, Kurt Angle decided to go through the necessary procedures to restore his sternum to its original condition, albeit with the utilization of foreign materials. Such dense objects as concrete pipes and refridgerated Toblerone bars were discussed as possible replacements, but neither seemed to be an effective fit for Angle's body. Luckily, an anonymous donor lent his bike to the hospital, which enabled the surgeon to attain its handlebars for the procedure. There was a period of time in which it looked as though Angle's body had rejected the handlebars; his immune system did not know whether Kurt wanted to be a person, or a bicycle. Strangers would come up to Kurt and try to ride him around the neighbourhood; one child added rainbow tassels to Kurt's ears and a chiming bell to enhance his aesthetical and auditory appearance. In the end, Angle submitted both the strangers and the young girl in hard fought battles on free television. Today, he has a clean bill of health.
The Verdict: TNA's ring has six sides, but no shame.
This Week in Angle-y Questions of the Week:
Q: Did you know that Kurt Angle, a multiple-time world champion and future hall of famer, is so healthy that from now on, his movements will be manipulated by strings and wires attached to his limbs, kind of like a marionette?
A: Yeah, but when he spins around in his ring entrance, won't his strings get all tangled and what not? Won't that anger Geppetto?

Monday, October 09, 2006

Playing the F'N Feud

I surveyed 100 people who like to eat brunch under extreme rules...

The Swerved Recordings: Terry Funk

Once in a lifetime, a musician comes along who creates a work which manages to define a generation. Whether it is intentional, or by accident, his or her masterpieces influence world change. From a tiny recording studio in a small building on a medium sized street in a fairly large city in a big country on a huge planet in the gigantic solar system, miracles happen when a genius puts pen to paper and mouth to microphone. Sometimes, even a genius is bred from the most unlikeliest of professions.

In the past, rap superstars have arrived in the mainstream to exit just as quick and steadfast. More often than not, they leave behind one hit wonders which turn the clock back on the advancement of the human race several times over. These men may be wealthy; they may entertain many a harlot, but that does not mean we, as a whole, have to listen to what they have to say. We all know human beings desire money; we are well aware of the fact that the possession of spinning car tire rims has longlasting benefits in a world in which static rims are universally declared mediocre. Yet, let's face it -- rap music today consists of false truths and true lies. These rhythmic, evil preachers speak blasphemy with the force of ten stampeding elephants, only to disappear from the bright spotlight with a mere whimper of a squished mouse.

But, there is hope for our society. We may live in scary times, but a strong voice has come down upon the heavens to guide us through the darkness and lead us to light. While he is an eldery wrestler by day, he is secretly a daredevil archaeologist by night. We must run quickly from the cave, as he has just replaced a golden amulet with a bag of sand of similar weight. Don't let the rolling rock catch up to you, because we are about to bare witness to...

Track Listing:

1. Crunk U (Crunk University Level Archaeology) [Intro]
2. Satchel Ass
3. Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Foooooollllllleeeeyyyyy
4. It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Pimp
5. Spinning Toe Hoes
6. Middle Aged and ******
7. Lord of the Blings
8. Hardcore Spelunking (ft. Li'l Jon)
9. Woo Dunnit? (ft. Ric Flair)
10. Horse Kick
11. Barb Wired
12. Satchel Ass (Hollaback Remix)
13. Can't Walk No Good No Mo'
14. Tired of Retirin'
15. **************** Farm (Skit)
16. Crunk U (Crunk University Graduation Ceremony) [Outro]

With a help of a few good friends, Terry Funk dons the fedora in search of rap supremacy. So, what is the world's initial response to this work? Take a look at this:

"Terry Funk dun spit game like he gots no shame." - Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes

"This patient's beats and rhymes are so sick, I'm afraid he has only 5 months to live. I'm terribly sorry for your loss." - Dr. Jon Haberdashery

"***** mutha*****!" - Pope Benedict XVI

"What is this 'music' you speak of? Is it new? What brand of 'music' do you recommend? Generic, brand name, or the fancy quilted kind?" - Vince McMahon

"..." - Inanimate Object

"Satchel Ass is one of the most informative and thought-provoking songs about the economic struggle of Ghana in the history of time." - Every Future Textbook Ever

"This album has allowed me to find the Temple of Crunk... inside of my heart." - John Cena

"You should play it really loud in your car so all you will hear is 'BOOM, BA-BOOM, BOOM, BA-BOOM.' Your neighbours will love it and bake you cookies for this unselfish gesture. In fact, they'll probably ask you to turn the music down, but that's really slang for 'Play it louder. I want to hear more of that pulse-pounding static. If the static is noticeable and strong, that means it's a good song.'" - Guy Slouched Down in Car, with Sunglasses On, Sporting A Beard That Looks Too Neatly Trimmed

It would be silly to buy just one copy of this sure-to-be hit record, so why not buy a back-up? As long as you're doing that, why don't you buy a back-up for your back-up? This may be the first and last record the Hardcore Legend ever makes, so hurry to a store near you to learn about life on the mean streets shaped oddly like grassy hills of the Texanesque state of Texas.

Indiana Funk and the Temple of Crunk LP
"If you see a crazy old guy get crunk... it must be Indiana Funk."
Album drops today because it's too slippery in my hands.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Playing the Feud

I surveyed 100 people with reasonably adequate to good hygiene...

Wrestling with Confessions

This piece was originally posted on the Wrestling Observer website a little while ago. I believe only a select few knew about this (my life coach, my shrink, and I,) so I thought I would post it here for those who have not read it yet. Though, don't fret for I have added writer's commentary that will surely make this inhuman work 10.2 times better than before. If there is a particular article of mine from The Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment or send over an e-mail. Thanks.


We all know fans of professional wrestling are highly respected and revered in this world. They get all the women they want, all the money they want, and they are more often than not American Presidential material...


Average Wrestling Fan: "Hey, that large guy just hit that small guy really, really, really hard in the groin with the hurty end of a sitting apparatus. Cool."
America: "Congratulations. You are now the leader of our great nation."

(America doesn't talk like that. If I didn't know any better, I would think America doesn't talk at all.)

Yet, there are some things that a wrestling fan is unwilling to admit. In fact, they may be so ashamed of their true opinions that they hide from the outside world for fear they will be shunned from the planet itself. Unfortunately, I have skeletons in my closet just like everybody else, except mine wrestle. While they think they are heavyweight grapplers, they are sadly mistaken. One day, they will have to come to grips that they are part of the X-Division.

Although I am unveiling this for the world to see, don't tell anybody about it. Only you may read these secrets... and everyone else who also wishes to read. Dear almighty Todd Grisham, I've got twenty confessions and The Bisch ain't one. Hit me:

1) In the throws of passion with a lady friend, I bide time by throwing powder in her eyes while I search under a mattress skirt for an international object to finish her off with.

(Sometimes I will bring out a package of hot dogs and leave the room. What the young woman does with them is her choice.)

2) I defeated Pluto in a Fight for the Right to Be the Ninth Planet Match via the holding of its tights. Sorry, Pluto... or am I?

3) My favourite match is the WCW introductory bout between Booker T and Buff Bagwell on a 2001 edition of Monday Night RAW from Tacoma, Washington. I tend to watch it every day on a loop because it exercises my mind. If I stare at it long enough, I can see a sailboat.

4) My favourite Wrestlemania is 27, which hasn't even happened yet. For those of you who wish to discover what will occur at this event, watch Wrestlemania 7, 9, and 11. Then, add them together and you will get 27. Wrestlemania 27 ("Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H") is basically a re-enactment of the aforementioned three, except the time frame, fans, matches, storylines, set design, venue, and performers are different. Happy watching.

5) One time, I spat in the face of people who did want to be cool. In turn, I was immediately kicked out of my Magic: The Gathering gathering.

6) I wish ladder matches were more realistic and relevant to an average lifestyle. For instance, instead of two competitors trying to attain a gold belt held high above them, why don't they compete to clean out a gutter or put up Christmas lights?

7) I can see John Cena. On the other hand, his parents Matt Damon and Kevin Bacon say he never calls.

(It's true. His uncle, Mark Wahlberg, hasn't seen him in years too.)

8) I don't want to insult his music teacher in any way, but I think someone should tell Jeff Jarrett that is not how you play the guitar. Trust me; I used to do that with grand pianos.

(You would think stores that specialize in musical instrumentals would stop Jeff from purchasing their goods by now. Well, what can you do? I assume when Jeff Jarrett passes on, he will be stuck in purgatory. Said purgatory will consist of guitars using Mr. Jarrett to hit opposing guitars.)

9) I know for a fact that The Big Show has actual skillet hands. Sadly, they do not have a non-stick surface.

(I was given dodo eggs as a birthday present last year. I thought The Big Show's hands could cook them evenly. To my surprise, they can't. From now on, I'm doing it the easy way -- I'm frying them on the asphalt during a hot day.)

10) I sense that the next big indy star to debut on TNA programming in the coming months will be one of the biggest acquistions ever. It's a piece of Tupperware, but it must wrestle under the name Brother Dishwasher Safe Plastic Food Container.

11) I give Rob Van Dam's Five Star Frog Splash only four stars. While I am sold that he is a gifted performer, I found his portrayal of a disenfranchised amphibian leaping for salvation and redemption over great adversity quite forced and a tad trite.

12) When I was younger, I listened to Hulk Hogan, who told all of his Hulkamaniacs to say their prayers and eat their vitamins. Every time he said it, that's exactly what I did. I ate a vitamin and said a prayer 10 times a day for 192 years. Please let me eat something different, Hulk. How about soup mix, man? All I need is a taste, brother.

13) I read this on the internet, but never told a soul. In Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Kevin McAllister was supposed to compete in a handicap match against the Wet/Sticky Bandits, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Pesci refused to lose 2-on-1 for fear it would weaken the drawing power of the team. Although they wanted to put actor Macaulay Culkin and his character over, they wanted to do so in a situation which would be beneficial to both parties. A compromise was made which involved the Nice Bird Lady with Bird Crap on Her Clothes interfering with loaded birds at the last minute, helping McAllister get the sneaky victory.

(In the end, McAllister was buried. That is why you didn't see him in Home Alone 3.)

14) I could buy WWE if wanted to, but I don't feel like it.

(I'm rich, beyotch. Some youngsters have a piggy bank in which they store maybe five or ten dollars to buy kid stuff like kazoos, action figures, or pregnancy tests for the teachers they are romantically and physically involved with. I have an actual bank, but it's shaped like a pig because I only know how to withdraw money by hitting stuff with a hammer.)

15) Every time I hear Don West talk, I feel inclined to buy a Ken Griffey, Jr. Gem Mint 10 Rookie Card. I don't know what that means, but I'll purchase a barrel full.

16) One time, I defeated death by disqualification.

17) I put Kelly Kelly to my ear and I could hear the ocean. What a smoking ocean, but we have nothing in common.

18) I tried a finishing move (for Pay-Per-View only) entitled the Summerslam. What happened? I botched it and the play-by-play announcer called it the Summermodifiedsnapmare.

19) If Kenny's headband is like mine, he should not be out past midnight. If he stays out one moment longer, his headband will turn into a pumpkin.

(By the way, a guy that claims he's the Prince of some magical land may be looking for Kenny. If you know his whereabouts, the Prince wants the information. A few days ago, he found a glass sneaker at the ball. He is currently searching the area to find his one true soulmate.)

20) How do I learn how to fall off of a twenty foot ladder? I fall off of twenty, one-foot ladders.