Monday, August 25, 2008

KaraokE: Freddie Prinze Jr's New Career Path


*****

NEXT WEEK

Knock me out.

AND

If people tried to shoot at you at your job all day long, just about anything would start to look like a gun: staplers, a candy bar; even G.I. Joe's black, brave friend: The Tuskegee Airman.

The Booker: Book of Dreams


There are seven billion of us. Out of that seven billion, six billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hundred of us will fail to realize our dreams. We all come from unique places, such as a lopsided hut built with elephant dung in the smoldering, barren plains of Africa, or in my case, a Medieval castle constructed out of unloved helper monkeys in a gated, West Coast community. We all have unique ways of looking at the world, except my way is right and yours is wrong. We don't always agree, but for this shining week, let's set it all aside. Let us come together to stand and cheer me on as I book a wrestling promotion to lasting greatness. Let us forget about all the things that make the other bookers terrible and remember all the things that make me an ingenious wrestling mind.

Maybe it's not how I perfectly book that forces you to root for me. Maybe's it not the sparkling, bright pink booking jacket on my back, or the fanciful booking music that you hear when I create an entertaining show that makes you cheer. Maybe it's simply that I am human; and you are almost human from a distance with bottle cap glasses over my eyes; and when I succeed, unsuccessful wrestling fans around the world witness how successful people manage to succeed.

Like a lot of people, Vince McMahon followed in his father's footsteps and went into the family business. Of course, that's a lot harder when the family business is trying to book as well as Stephen Rivera.

The Swerved with Stephen Rivera. Proud sponsor of this installment of The Booker, and the only site accepted on the internet.


Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. So long, McMahon family. In other news, water is now dry. Between bites of organic fruit salad, health-conscious people will try to drink from their environmentally-friendly water bottles. Yes, I'm going to get them good. Drinking water will feel like downing a cup of forest fire.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from the ground upwards. My company will entertain its viewers with new matches, feuds, interviews, and segments. Thankfully, SWE will never do Championship Scramble Matches. What gives Vince McMahon the right to confuse me, someone who is never confused? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, scramble matches will be non-title. Checkmate in a game of Chutes and Ladders, Vincent.
- While some characteristics of the WWE may be similar to those of SWE, the two promotions exist in alternate dimensions. World Wrestling Entertainment exists in a Sci-Fi Network Original Movie, living on a planet that features effeminate dragons as the ruling alien race. In turn, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment exists on Earth. Planet Earth? What a concept.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not allow wrestlers who are designated to one brand's show to appear on another. Everybody wants a piece of Jamie Noble, but everybody can't get a piece of Jamie Noble. This is the first and only rule of Jamie Noble Club.
- Check the archives for previous installments of The Booker. When you enter the underground vault, remember to blow away the many layers of dust on the cover of those archives to make it appear as though they are old and ancient. Next, meet an wise, elderly man who can tell you about the dangers of these archives in a semi-English accent. Before you continue, get Nicholas Cage to discover the truth behind these archives.
- Each monthly installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. Fortunately and unfortunately, Book of Dreams is the fourth of five installments. Although, I think The Booker will live on in your heart forever, like UPN's Shasta McNasty.



***

SWE Mobster Eating Pasta Pay-Per-View Card
August 17, 2008
Presented by D'Lo Brown. D'Lo Brown: The little children say, "Who'Lo?"


World Heavyweight Title Match
Umaga (c) vs. Batista

SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. Triple H or John Cena

SWE Championship #1 Contender Match
Triple H vs. John Cena

SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk

SWE Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way Match
Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle

ECW Championship Triple Threat Elimination Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy

Shawn Michaels vs. Edge

Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio


***

Scott Norton wants to run his own promotion? This is vicious and delicious news. The second coming of Scott Norton versus Ernest "The Cat" Miller should be the modern day Austin versus Rock.


RAW


News:
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment told Lance Cade to stay in rehab. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment thinks his star-power will rub off on rehab.


Television Results:


JULY 28, 2008

- Triple H makes his triumphant return to RAW to the tune of Motorhead's "King of Kings" and "The Game." Even in SWE, I can't stop Triple H from having two entrance themes. Apparently, it is time to play the game of kings -- Guess Who? Does your person have Lemmy-inspired facial hair? No? You and your rosy cheeks are gone, Bill. With a breathy, snarling voice, Hunter calls out William Regal and his Kingdom. After a minute of silence, Regal shows up on the big screen with Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. He laughs at Triple H for thinking that the King of SWE would show up on command and endanger himself in the company of a lowly savage. Regal tells Hunter that he will grant him his shot when he deserves it, on a stage appropriate for the presence of a king. What do you mean? Gary, Indiana is a wonderland.
- Behind the scenes, Santino Marella and Carlito discuss the current state of the tag team division. Marella claims that RAW has too many teams from the "streets of the hippity hop." True, true. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment has an abundance of bunnies from Compton. He does not understand why an international powerhouse like Santino and Carlito are not in the tag team title hunt. Carlito suggests that they should adopt a new philosophy.
MATCH 1:
Santino Marella and Carlito defeat the Highlanders with Carlito's Backstabber on Rory. Before the match, Carlito and Santino come out in motorized scooters with spinning rims. When I am old and grey, I plan to equip my walk-in bathtub with an under glow light and a spoiler. In their post-match celebration, Santino and Carlito make it rain with spare change. They're so gangster. They don't even use bank rolls.
- Backstage, your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela catches up with a returning Candice Michelle. Candice announces that she is back and better than ever. Unless the doctor replaced her clavicles with carbon nanotubes, I don't believe her. In anticipation for the upcoming rematch between Mickie James and Natalya, Candice lends her support to Mickie. Wait, that's her return? She should have plugged ProceedFather.org.
MATCH 2: SWE Women's Championship Match
Natalya defeats Mickie James via cheating. Natalya reverses a Mickie DDT into a Northern Lights Suplex, then places her feet on the top rope for leverage. Referees never look at the top rope. They are too busy making three counts that appear to be four counts. After the match, Mickie returns to her feet and tackles Natalya. While Beth Phoenix runs down the aisle to help Natalya, Candice Michelle sprints to the ring to even up the odds. Upon sight of the raving one, Natalya and Beth Phoenix walk away from the ring. Yeah, I don't like raving either. I think one should take ecstasy in private.
- Chris Jericho presents a highlight video of his Pay-Per-View victory over Rey Mysterio. Jericho encourages the audience to see the real Rey Mysterio, not the man with the mask but the man behind the mask. That is no man behind the mask. Rey Mysterio resembles my six-year-old, second cousin Churro Fair. My cousin is from Mexico. He was named after the place where he was conceived. At the end of segment, Jericho invites the viewers to stay tuned for Mysterio's final match on RAW.
- As Triple H paces in the hallway, John Cena confronts him. Cena offers to help Hunter take down the Kingdom. In response, Triple H stares at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He shoves Cena away and walks to the arena exit. Hunter does not need any help. If he's ever in trouble, Triple H can summon a third Motorhead theme.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews an irate LAX. Homicide and Hernandez initiate a bleeping tirade, cursing out the new World Tag Team Champions. Homicide tells Korpela that the turf war between LAX and Cryme Tyme is far from over.
MATCH 3:
LAX take out their Latin American Anger on Hardcore Holly and Jim Duggan. Good for LAX. Holly and Duggan don't approve of their tendency to not exist as a futuristic airport in Los Angeles.
- Via satellite feed, Mr. Kennedy appears at SWE Headquarters with an upper body cast. The Intercontinental Champion thanks his fans for the well-wishes and balloons, then apologizes to CM Punk. Ken admits that he should have revealed the severity of his mystery injures earlier. How do you injury your whole torso, but not the rest of your body? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want my own sweater vest-like cast.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Rey Mysterio surprises Chris Jericho with a Walls of Jericho reversal into a small package. With the win, Rey pumps his fists in the air and makes a run for it. Back in the ring, an embarrassed Jericho stares at Mysterio with revenge on his mind. Somewhere out there, Churro Fair cheers for Mysterio. His sister, Empty Fish Market Stall, loves Mysterio’s win, too.


AUGUST 4, 2008

- For the second week in a row, Triple H begins Monday Night RAW in the middle of the ring. Just as Hunter breathes into the microphone, King William Regal and his Kingdom appear on the video screen. Regal gives a hearty hello to Triple H and wishes him good luck in the RAW main event. He informs him that Hunter's passion to dethrone the King of SWE is commendable for a former king. Oh. No. He. Did. Not. I believe the fight is on like a bonbon. With Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea by his side, Regal announces his decision for the Pay-Per-View: Triple H will receive his SWE Championship shot on August 17th, if and only if he defeats his opponent beforehand in a number one contender match. For a reason unbeknowst to fans other than Hunter, Triple H asks the screen to tell him who his opponent will be in said match. On the screen, Regal laughs, then assures Hunter that he will reveal his opponent later in the night. Wow, Hunter is a magician as well? I can’t compete with Triple H the Mage.
- Candice Michelle prepares for her upcoming match. She's wearing something glittery with rainbows. She's outright stealing The Great Khali's WrestleMania XXV costume.
MATCH 1:
In her return to singles competition, Candice Michelle defeats Jillian Hall with the Candy Wrapper. The good news is that Candice's clavicles did not break. The bad news is that Natalya and Beth Phoenix are here. They attempt to break both clavicles for her in an two-on-one ambush attack. To compensate Candice's save last week, Mickie James shows up to clean house. Whose house? Most likely, Run's house. The details are sketchy.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's latest shenanigans. Punk sarcastically applauds Ken's act and plans to vote for him for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. If Punk is going to vote for Mr. Kennedy, he should wait until Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia arrives in theatres. I heard that film is fantastic great good okay tolerable a film.
- In perfect timing, Mr. Kennedy comes to you live from SWE Headquarters to update CM Punk and his fans on his current condition. Ken buffs his Intercontinental Title in noticeable agony. The doctor told Ken not to lift heavy machinery or shine bright abdominal accessories. Please take his advice, Kennedy. Kennedy stresses that if he doesn't make it, he wants Punk to bury the Intercontinental Championship next to his intercontinental body. With that heartbreaking performance, I vote Mr. Kennedy for Ultimate Winner of the Universe.
MATCH 2:
LAX dismantle Deuce and Domino to send another message to Cryme Tyme. How dare they demolish Deuce and Domino. Those Latin American Xchangers should sit on it. I don't care who sits on it, but one of them must do so.
- Homicide and Hernandez walk up the ramp and mouth off to the ringside fans. To the audience's delight, a broken-down Shad and JTG meet them, wielding crutches. While Cryme Tyme pummels LAX, Homicide and Hernandez stumble out of harm’s way.
- All by himself, Chris Jericho stews in the locker room. He is available to take out his frustrations on those who wear towels everywhere they go, even though that they have not yet showered.
MATCH 3:
Chris Jericho defeats Val Venis with the Walls of Jericho. After the contest, RAW officials have to pry Jericho's way from the hold. Jericho leaves with a demented smile and sends that win out to Rey Mysterio. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is all about gift giving. Every day is Christmas.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H defeats Mark Henry with the Pedigree. For most of the match, Henry dominates Hunter with power move after power move. Henry's pectorals go all around his back like that because they can. As Henry tries to finish Triple H off with a splash, Hunter avoids the move, knees Predator in the face, and executes his well-known finisher.
- Hunter remains in the ring to await King Regal's announcement. When Regal's theme blasts over the speakers, Triple H searches for a place to direct a mad, violent beating. A lone spotlight shines on a skybox near the on-camera side of the arena. Regal emerges from the skybox, waves to Hunter, then points to the top of the ramp. To conclude the show, Hunter watches Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea shove an unconscious John Cena down the ramp.


AUGUST 11, 2008

- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela starts off RAW with an interview with SWE Women's Champion Natalya. Korpela urges Natalya to express her thoughts on the upcoming fatal four-way match at Mobsters Eating Pasta, one of the more prestigious events featuring professional businessmen consuming anger hair on the current wrestling scene. Natalya stresses that she has nothing to worry about the match because Beth Phoenix has her back. For the entire interview, Beth takes passing glances at Natalya's championship belt. I know that look anywhere. Natalya is right. She does not have to worry. In case that belt falls off Natalya's shoulder, Beth's glance should keep it from hitting the ground. Sure, that’s what Beth is doing.
MATCH 1:
Mickie James and Candice Michelle defeat Natalya and Beth Phoenix in tag team action. In the finish, Mickie nails Natalya with the Mickie DDT and attempts to pin her, but Beth interferes and shoves her through the ropes to the ringside floor. An exhausted Candice, the legal woman in the match, rolls onto Natalya to pin the SWE Women's Champion. Once Mickie regainx her composure, she watches Candice's celebration with envy. I know that look anywhere. Candice does not have to worry. If Candice wins the Women's Title at the Pay-Per-View, Mickie James will hand her the title with a smile. Yes, that's what Mickie will do.
- William Regal and his Kingdom interrupt the show with their arrival to the arena skybox. In the presence of the King of SWE, the fans are rather rude. Regal ought to bathe every single one of them in the River Thames. Prince Paul hands Regal the microphone on an ornate pillow while Princess Katie dusts off his royal coat. After last week's announcement of a Number One Contender Match between Triple H and John Cena, Regal wants to know who their true hero is now: the vengeful man who does no care whether his allies live or die, or a generous ruler who puts the interests of the citizens before himself? Regal understands that few people are unable to cheer for a man with more power than they could ever imagine, but wants the audience to see that he is not a bad person. Unlike Triple H, he sympathizes with their hardships. Hunter will require a fourth Motorhead theme to rebut Regal's claim.
- With Mr. Kennedy, cast and all, in a wheelchair, an SWE official pushes the Intercontinental Champion's down the hallway. Ken is about ready to make a big announcement concerning his physical condition. I bet he announces how itchy that cast is on his upper body.
- A brittle Mr. Kennedy addresses the SWE audience, holding back the painful tears that wish to run down his face. Mr. Kennedy clutches his title in one hand and tells the audience about his injury. Several weeks ago, moments before he his title match against CM Punk, he fell down a set of five stairs and broke his entire upper body. I don't know about you, but I buy it. When I was ten, I broke my pelvis trying to lift a heavy fork. Though Mr. Kennedy is confident that he will make a full recovery, he will be unable to compete at Sunday's Pay-Per-View. To conclude his announcement, he wishes CM Punk the best of luck in his other endeavours. Speaking of the man, CM Punk stomps to the ring, pushes Ken's assistant aside, and kicks the champion out of his wheelchair. Upon impact with the mat, Ken's paper-maché cast shatters into pieces. Before Punk can attack him further, Kennedy scurries out of the ring with his title. Why, Mr. Kennedy has been faking all along. Oh well. In the world of professional wrestling, lying makes you more honest somehow.
- Cryme Tyme utilize the grey curtain to respond to LAX. Shad and JTG can't take the Latin American Xchange anymore. They are tired of Homicide and Hernandez running their mouth. Together, they raise their World Tag Team Titles in the air and beg LAX to come and get them. Cryme Tyme will fight until they don’t have any fighting limbs left. Even then, they may fight with their ears.
MATCH 2:
Princess Katie Lea Burchill defeats Melina in the fastest match ever (involving a wrestling princess). Regal succumbs to Princess Katie Lea's constant whining and lets her compete. Since she does not want to get her gown dirty, Regal hands her a pair of brass knuckles prior to the bout. When the bell rings, Katie distracts the referee and clocks Melina in the head with a brass knuckle shot.
- Chris Jericho catches up with Mark Henry to give him pointers for his match against Rey Mysterio. Point number one: Avoid draping your body over the middle rope. Point number two: Don't get distracted by Mysterio's bright, flashy wardrobe. Point number three: Have fun out there. Point number three is the most important point. Henry must retrieve a notepad and a pen or a number two pencil.
MATCH 3:
Rey Mysterio defeats Mark Henry with a springboard splash from the top rope. In a lengthy contest, Mysterio manages to outlast the larger Henry. Rey uses his speed to his advantage and sneaks by with two 6-1-9s and the aforementioned finishing move. After the match, Chris Jericho appears and directs Henry to show Mysterio how he feels about The Biggest Little Man's biggest little victory. Henry takes out Mysterio with the World's Strongest Slam. Next, Jericho snatches Mysterio's mask from his head and puts it on his own face. In my view, Juventud's mask was better. Seriously. Don’t tell me Jericho lost it.
- Backstage, Triple H comes across a battered John Cena. Hunter tries to get Cena's attention, but John refuses to face him. As Triple H is about to apologize, John Cena shuts him up and tells him to win his damn match so they battle it out at the Pay-Per-View already. Triple H leaves as a speechless man, which should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H promos in the past.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H defeats Prince Paul Burchill with the Pedigree. For the first half of the main event, William Regal cheers on Prince Paul from the skybox. With the three count, William Regal marches to the ring and attacks Hunter's body with brass knuckles on both hands. Brass knuckles grow on brass knuckle trees. Initially, the audience waits for John Cena to save Hunter from the beating. At show's end, the audience realizes that Hunter will not receive any help. This ending should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H matches in the past.


Current Feud Ratings:
Triple H vs. William Regal: 89%
Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 87%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 61%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 87%


***


Smackdown


News:
- Randy Orton takes his ball and goes home to Ballville, Missouri


Randy Orton has had enough of not wrestling for Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. In fact, he never wants to not wrestle in SWE again. Actually, he was supposed to be Batista's mystery stalker. Randy Orton has ruined SWE. Curse you, Randy. You son of a Bob Orton Jr.


Television Results:


AUGUST 1, 2008

- Vickie Guerrero and the rest of La Familia congratulate MVP on his Pay-Per-View victory over Shawn Michaels. Due to his decisive win over HBK, Porter expresses concern for his safety. He doesn't think Shawn Michaels will react to the loss in a civil manner. The Smackdown GM assures MVP that he and his SWE United States Title should not fret. When you are a championship belt, you fret about everything. You wonder how you will pay for your belt buckle's college education. Employers don't look too fondly on single championship belts. They ask, "What don't you have a spouse? A belt buckle needs a positive female sash in its life."
MATCH 1:
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick with Moore's blockbuster on London in the second match of their Best-of-Seven Series. Moore and Yang go up 2-0, which bodes doubly well for the one man in this world named Shannon Wang Ramirez. Yes, you have a girl's name and a sexually suggestive middle name. On the other hand, you're associated with a winner.
- Maria interviews Batista about the odd messages he has been receiving as of late. With the Evolution t-shirt in his grasp, Batista chuckles. Outdated wrestling t-shirts are hilarious. They should take up stand-up comedy, or become rags for kitchen maintenance. Batista announces that Evolution is long over, yet thanks the mystery man for the souvenir. Randy Orton used his birthday money to buy you that shirt. Be more grateful.
- Outside the arena, Shawn Michaels arrives with his dead eyes. He reminds me of an unkempt, cross-eyed prospector. I want to call him Cornelious Hornblower. In a security shirt, Edge walks up to Shawn and refuses to grant him access to the arena. I wouldn't trust a man named Cornelius Hornblower either. When Shawn asks him whether or not MVP put him up to this stunt, Edge pretends not to listen. Just as Shawn raises his fist, MVP appears behind a wall of Smackdown security and smirks at him. A hesitant Shawn leaves the premises.
MATCH 2:
In their Smackdown debut, The Cobras (Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter) defeat Jesse and Festus with "The Cobra Crane" (Double Crane Kick) to Jesse. The Cobras make an unwise error as they turn their backs to their defeated opponents. Once the bell rings, an angered Festus rises to his feet and destroys both men.
- Backstage, Umaga holds his World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth and watches his Pay-Per-View title win over the Undertaker again and again. Crazy. Samoan Bulldozers dig their TiVo. If this event comes out on Blu-ray, Umaga is going to freak.
- The Cobras head down the infamous backstage hallway and ponder what went wrong in the aftermath of their debut match. From a distance, Funaki observes the team and shakes his head in disappointment. Boys have bad attitude. Karate for defense only.
- The grey curtain promo returns. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely convey feelings or sorrow for Finlay and Hornswoggle. They don't want to maim a father in front of his son, or vice versa, but they can't help themselves. With a sigh, Chavo and Bam vow to end the rivalry so they can all move on with their lives.
MATCH 3:
Finlay defeats Bam Neely with a shillelagh to the face. In an alarming move, Hornswoggle steals Chavo's elaborate poncho and wears it around the ring in celebration. Leprechauns in ponchos are so wrong, yet so right. Ireland? Good. Mexico? Good. Ponchos? Fantastic.
MATCH 4: Main Event
In an open challenge, Umaga defeats Matt Hardy with the Samoan Drop. At ringside, Batista is your the special guest commentator. I wish to know Batista's opinion of Rebecca DiPietro. How "of Pietro" was she? One and a third Rebeccas? The crowd attempts to psyche Umaga out with Undertaker and Deadman chants. He don't know no Anglish, fools. He hasn't hooked himself up with any phonics.
- Umaga wanders around ringside with his belt, then stands up on the announce table in triumph. When Batista locks eyes with him, the audience's Undertaker chants transform into chants for Batista. As the show goes off the air, Batista continues to stare down Umaga.



What? How did Stephanie McMahon sustain an injury? I told Triple H that sledgehammers do not provide women much pleasure. Oh, Hunter. The answer to one plus one is not sledgehammer.


AUGUST 8, 2008

- La Familia and Montel Vontavious Porter accompany Edge to the ring. In order to drown out the jeers, Edge apologizes to Shawn Michaels for his antics last week. He did not mean to take away a HBK appearance from the Smackdown audience, nor did he want to insult the legacy of "The Showstopper." Edge urges Shawn to come down to the ring and accept his sincere apology. As La Familia stares at the entranceway, Edge leans against the corner in waiting. Out from the crowd, Shawn Michaels leaps to the apron and catches Edge with a Superkick that sends the man face first to the mat. La Familia turn around to notice Shawn hop over the barricade. Before he makes his exit, Shawn gains Porter's attention and gestures that he will be the next Superkick victim. I expect many years of success for this young upstart.
- As a follow-up to last week's show, Maria interviews Batista about his thoughts on his meeting with Umaga. Batista is not a fan of Umaga's aggressive glare. He tells Maria that Umaga may be Smackdown's monster for now, but Batista will always be "The Animal." Hold your horses and your carriages. Batista is otherwise known as "The Animal"? Don't reveal all your secrets at once, David.
- Elsewhere, Jamie Noble cherishes his newfound friendship with The Great Khali. Vladimir Kozlov reluctantly walks next to them as Noble sits on Khali's shoulders. Noble exclaims that he feels "eleventy jillion feet tall." Whenever I see a happy Jamie Noble, I feel as though I am "eleventy jillion feet tall."
MATCH 1:
Jamie Noble defeats Gregory Helms with the power of friendship. Helms dominates Noble for most of the match. As Gregory is about to pin him, Noble grabs the referee by the collar. This distraction bides Khali time to enter the ring and put Helms in the Vice Grip. In response, Kozlov turns his back to the ring, embarrassed and ashamed. Noble pins a lifeless Helms without hooking the leg. Noble returns to Khali's shoulders as a victor, a scholar, and a gentleman.
- Backstage, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter spar with each other to mixed results. From afar, Funaki watches The Cobras and strokes his non-existent beard. You see, Ken Doane's lack of headband forces him to adjust his entire technique. Without that familiar weight on his head, his entire equilibrium is out of whack.
MATCH 2:
Chavo Guerrero defeats Finlay with a shillelagh shot of his own. At ringside, Bam Neely steals Hornswoggle's hat and clicks his heels with delight. Meanwhile, Chavo does a fancy Mexican jig around Finlay's body. You can't get any more Mexican than a jig around a fallen, middle-aged Irishman. I should know. I do my research.
- Grey Curtain Promo Corner features London and Kendrick. Even though they are down in their series against Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang, they are not sweating it. In my opinion, London and Kendrick are done. For one, they are not the only team with London and Kendrick-related capabilities. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will separate them and give them new gimmicks. One day, you will witness A Paul London and A Brian Kendrick make their breathtaking debuts.
MATCH 3:
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick with Yang's Moonsault Press on Brian Kendrick. With this decision, Moore and Yang have a commanding 3-0 lead over London and Kendrick. I was not aware of Ashley Massaro's significant impact on the duo of London and Kendrick. Perhaps SWE should retain her services. At the start of Daylight Savings Time, does Ashley move her backwards hat forwards?
- Big Show strolls down the backstage hallway, massaging his Chokeslamming hand. Where is he going? Does this arena have a hand spa? Put white gloves on Big Show's hands and you are one-tenth closer to a giant version of Mickey Mouse.
MATCH 4: Main Event
For another week, Batista joins the announce team. Among Undertaker chants aplenty, Umaga defeats Big Show in his second open challenge match. Both competitors use all their monster might to take each other off their feet. Umaga fails to topple Show with several kicks to the chest and chin. In turn, Show sends Umaga to the canvas with a series of flying shoulder blocks. The battle of strength versus strength comes to a close with the Samoan Spike to a kneeling Show.
- Like strangers in the night exchanging flirtatious glances, Umaga and Batista lock eyes. The Samoan Bulldozer slides out of the ring and yells at Batista in Samoan. Batista shouts back at Umaga in Batistan. I don't understand either language. Umaga pauses, then backtracks from ringside. He shall save his bulldozing for a later date.



AUGUST 15, 2008

- Next to an irate Edge, SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter whines in the ring about Shawn Michaels' use of the Superkick. "He can't be usin' that. No, no, no. He can't be usin' that." If MVP wishes to join Floyd Mayweather's posse, now is the time. Edge snatches the microphone from MVP and tells Shawn that if he uses the Superkick on him again, he'll have Vickie ban him from Friday Night Smackdown for life. The empty threat entices HBK to make his presence known. As Shawn enters the ring, Porter stands behind Edge. Shawn informs Edge if he has to go through him before he gets another chance MVP, so be it. On this night, he does not choose to fight either man. Shawn Michaels is a snake in the grass -- a born-again, Christian snake.
- Umaga, the World Heavyweight Champion, enters the building. He chooses to simultaneously walk and chew his championship belt. I heard the leather of a championship belt sort of tastes a hamburger to an individual without tastebuds.
MATCH 1:
Jesse and Festus defeat The Cobras in a one-sided battle. In the rematch, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter prove that they are not the same men you saw in their legendary vignettes. Towards the conclusion of the match, Funaki shuffles through the entranceway with a set of chopsticks. Sooner or later, Doane and Jeter must learn how to sit down without chairs in the company of a tortured Japanese guy.
- Edge and MVP head to Vickie Guerrero's office to request a match between Shawn Michaels and the R-Rated Superstar. Before MVP questions his role in the match, Vickie directs the cameraman away from the office and whispers sweet somethings in Porter's ear. Vickie is a weird woman. She must be the only wrestling general manager who refuses to divulge her secrets in front of millions.
- Backstage, The Cobras converse with Funaki. For the betterment of the group, Doane requests Funaki's guidance while Jeter fails to catch flies with the chopsticks. Funaki agrees to be their sensei, but first, they must install a satellite radio in his car. Doane and Jeter accept this educational task.
MATCH 2:
Jamie Noble defeats Matt Hardy with the power of friendship. For the finish, The Great Khali gains the referee's attention. From behind, Noble low blows Matt and rolls him up for the win. After the bell sounds, Noble leaps into Khali's arms and downs a bottle of Flintstones Chewables. Their friendship is ten million strong and growing.
- Maria interviews Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Chavo attempts to spin Finlay's shillelagh in his hand, but drops it on the ground. At the same time, Bam Neely wears Hornswoggle's hat, slightly to the side of his face. Together, they are willing to take Finlay and Hornswoggle out of their misery. What misery, Chavo? They have your poncho. Finally, they have the tools to dress like Martha Stewart.
MATCH 3:
Finlay and Hornswoggle defeat Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely in a No Disqualification Match. For the pin, Finlay stands on the top turnbuckle and launches Hornswoggle from his shoulders for a Tadpole Splash on Chavo Guerrero. According to popular television commercials, mothers and their daughters bond by talking to one another about feminine cramps and yeast infection. In professional wrestling, father and son bond by defeating the least interesting member of the Guerrero family and the least interesting member of the Guerrero family's bodyguard. With the win, Finlay and Hornswoggle take back their shillelagh and leprechaun hat.
- In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov prepares for his main event match. Jamie Noble meets Kozlov on the shoulders of The Great Khali. Noble asks Vladimir if he wants to go see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Vladimir wonders if Jamie knows that he has a match tonight. Jamie scoffs at Vladimir's match and says, "You have many chances to wrestle in the main event, but you only have one chance to see paints travel in Greece." After much thought, Vladimir tells them to see the film without him. Nuts to him. Traveling pants are no fun to watch without Vladimir Kozlov.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Batista defeats Vladimir Kozlov with the Batista Bomb. Of course he defeats Vladimir Kozlov with the Batista Bomb. What else is Batista going to use? The Spear? No way. That is Edge's signature move which was once Rhyno's signature move which was once Goldberg's signature move. If Batista uses The Spear, you know he's going to call it "The Batista Spear," right? He's not that clever. Without the support of Noble or Khali, Kozlov has nobody to turn to for support. In this situation, I compare him to a kid who performs a solo routine at a violin recital to two empty, front row seats. Neither parent is at the recital to say, "You see that kid up there who looks, talks, and acts like me? That's my kid."
- A Batista paces outside of the ring, Umaga storms into the shot and a brawl ensues -- a pier-seven brawl. To the sound of Undertaker chants, Umaga wins the brawl with a Samoan Spike to Batista's throat. Batista rolls around and clutches his neck in eye-bulging pain. From my living room chair with a newspaper in front of my face, I specifically told Batista not to show so much neck. Showing that much neck only leads to trouble with the boys, but what can do you? Daughters will be daughters.



Current Feud Ratings:
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 85%
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 65%


***


ECW


News:
Wrestling fans purchase wrestling merchandise with real money.


The kiddies love their merchandise. Top sellers include Ric Flair, who has never appeared on SWE television, and Colt Cabana, who has appeared twice on SWE television. Will I make more money if nobody appears on television? Next month, RAW is test pattern.


Television Results:


JULY 29, 2008

- ECW Champion Samoa Joe enters the ring and evaluates his successful title defense against AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy. He thinks that Jeff and AJ are extreme, but not as extreme as himself. I am not convinced. Where are his crack whores? When does he appear on The Nashville Network? Jeff Hardy interrupts Joe and challenges the champion to a second match. Next, AJ Styles interrupts Jeff Hardy to inform him that before Jeff gets his shot against Joe, he needs to settle unfinished business with the champion. To build up tension for the Pay-Per-View, Disco Inferno tells Jeff and AJ that they get along before he grant either man a title match. He forces Jeff and AJ to shake hands under the mirror ball.
MATCH 1:
The Boogeyman defeats John Morrison with a running powerslam. During this contest, The Miz decides to let Morrison fend for himself. He heads up the ramp, only to walk into a Chokeslam by Kane.
- In an interview with Pope Todd Grisham, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly urge Big Daddy V and Matt Striker to bring on the fight. Sydal and Kelly appear ready to battle, what with their sexy, sepia tone embrace in a field of wheat. They are more than ready.
MATCH 2:
Kofi Kingston defeats Nunzio in an international contest of Jamaica versus Italy with the Trouble in Paradise. For years, I have wondered which nation was better. Today, Cool Runnings betters The Godfather.
- In a hype video, a mystery man straggles into a crowded, Old West saloon and manhandles a group of cowboys looking for trouble. Braden Walker is to Clark Kent as Chris Harris is to Superman.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin with a combination of the Swanton Bomb and the Spiral Tap. At ringside, Samoa Joe bows down to both men for their impressive showing.


Big Daddy V and Matt Striker hate losing to women, especially V. No matter what the jealous ladies say, Big Daddy V is all natural. He is a perfect eleven out of ten.


AUGUST 5, 2008

- Matt Striker and Big Daddy V welcome viewers to the latest edition of ECW on Sci Fi. Tonight, Striker assures the fans that Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly will go down in history as the first American Made Models to fall victim to Big Daddy V. Does Striker speak truths? A few months ago, I thought Big Daddy V took out Sports Illustrated Covergirl Marissa Miller in an Extreme Rules Match. I recall Marissa's Miller Time (snap DDT) was unable to take him down.
MATCH 1:
Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly defeat Matt Striker and Big Daddy V with the surprise debut of Colt Cabana. As a means to protect Kelly from a brutal beating, Sydal spends the entire match as a crash test dummy. Moments before V unleashes the death blow, Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" distracts him. Colt dances to the ring with a cocktail shaker and hops onto the apron. Once V grabs him, Colt splashes the mixed drink in his face, which allows Sydal and Kelly to use all their model might to pin the big man. Colt assists the models to the backstage area as "Copacabana" continues to play.
- Backstage, John Morrison argues with The Miz about his lack of support. In response, The Miz talks about Morrison's lack of support. Sadly, they are not on the same page. They are not even on the same book.
MATCH 2:
Kane defeats The Miz with the Tombstone Piledriver. John Morrison strives to slide Miz off Kane's shoulder before the move, but does not succeed. Afterwards, The Miz refuses Morrison's assistance and stands up on his own.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin in a rematch via unwanted inference by Samoa Joe. This week, tension between Hardy and Styles escalates as they struggle to gel as a cohesive tandem. In one instance, AJ turns way from the ring while Jeff reaches out for the tag. In the end, Samoa Joe strolls to ringside, notices the tension between the team, and helps them out with a Muscle Buster on Burke and Benjamin.
- At ringside, the ECW Champion gloats about his altruistic deed. How do Styles and Hardy show their appreciation? They launch themselves out of the ring with dual suicide dives on Samoa Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine flops and fumbles around to close the show.



AUGUST 12, 2008

- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager, encounters Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles in his disco office. Jeff and AJ emphasize their recent willingness work together. While Disco is not happy about their ambush on Samoa Joe last week , he is a disco man of his disco word. Disco grants them both a shot at the ECW Championship. At SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles will challenge Samoa Joe for the belt in a three-way elimination match. This time, triple threat rules do no apply. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will never call this match a "three-way dance." Why? Three-way dances are for considerate couples who let their lonely friend join them in the fanciful dancing festivities. Three-way dances are for the old ECW. In the new ECW, considerate couples force their lonely friend to hold their jackets while they dance. This match is extremely extreme.
- Backstage, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly thank Colt Cabana for his help. Colt Cabana is glad to assist American heroes and heroines like Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly. Without their talent for modelling products in both colour and black and white situations, teenagers around America would not know what to buy, drink, eat, do, or wear. In my ECW, Colt Cabana is a hero, but a minor hero. He is the first Ewok killed in Return of the Jedi.
MATCH 1:
The extreme team of Tommy Dreamer and Stevie Richards defeat the team of James Curtis and Mike Knox. Curtis and Knox's utter obscurity continue to act as a roadblock in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's ECW. In my company, you can't get by on your blandness alone. You will need to not stand out from the rest of the pack some other way.
MATCH 2:
The Boogeyman defeats Elijah Burke via count out. Burke refuses to enter a ring with a man who has no front upper teeth and eats worms, yet will hang out with a dude named Shelton with golden hair. I don't get Elijah Burke. I'm sorry.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews John Morrison and The Miz on their upcoming main event matchup. Before the Pope can get to the nitty-gritty, The Miz denies the public rumours of a team breakup. The Miz does not want to move from the Palace of Wisdom. The Palace of Wisdom is affordable cloud housing at its finest. With the Palace of Wisdom, you will never want to move again.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Johh Morrison and The Miz defeat Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles by interference from one Samoan Joseph. As payback for last week’s ambush, the ECW Champion retaliates with Muscle Busters on both title challengers. As for Morrison and Miz, the win rekindles the once unsteady partnership between Tough Enough and The Real World. John Hennigan and Mike Mizanin powers activate. Form of inexpensive programming for the 18-34 age demographic.


Current Feud Ratings:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 88%


***


SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta Pay-Per-View Results


WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSIP MATCH
Umaga overpowers Batista with the Samoan Drop. The Samoan Bulldozer celebrates the win with championship strap in championship mouth. When the arena lights flicker on and off, a group of druids roll a large object down to the ring. Once the arena lights return, a casket appears at ringside. With much caution, Umaga walks toward the casket, which then bursts into flames. A startled Umaga tilts his head in confusion at the burning coffin.

SWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Seconds after the Number One Contender Match, William Regal puts the Regal Stretch on Triple H. Hunter squirms around for a while in search of the bottom rope until Regal brings him back to the center of the ring. Hunter loses consciousness before he gets the chance to tap out.

SWE CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDER MATCH
Triple H wins the hard fought match with a Pedigree on John Cena. Several key mistakes allow John Cena to put Hunter in the STFU, only for Triple H to barely make it to the ropes all three times. At the end of the bout, Hunter is an exhausted but lucky man.

SWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
Mr. Kennedy shocks the audience with a back and forth match versus CM Punk. For the finish, Kennedy shows his true colours by blatantly hitting the ref with his Intercontinental Championship belt for the automatic disqualification. Kennedy sprints up the ramp as CM Punk tends to the referee.

SWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP FATAL FOUR-WAY MATCH
Natalya submits Candice Michelle with the Sharpshooter to retain the title. Natalya and Beth spend the match breaking down Candice, then work together to subdue the threat of Mickie James on the outside.

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP TRIPLE THREAT ELIMINATION MATCH
AJ Styles ends his partnership with Jeff Hardy and nails him with the Styles Clash for the pinfall. While AJ celebrates, Samoa Joe blindsides him with the Kokina Clutch for the submission.

SHAWN MICHAELS VS. EDGE
With Montel Vontavious Porter as the special guest enforcer, the bout boils down to a two-on-one handicap match behind the referee's back. Porter shines up his boot for the Superkick, but nails Edge instead. Shawn Michaels survives with the victory.

CHRIS JERICHO VS. REY MYSTERIO
Jericho's anger gets the best of him, which provide Rey Mysterio numerous opportunities to outsmart his opponent. Mysterio fights out of a Walls of Jericho attempt, uses his hands to climb the ropes, and defeats Jericho with a sunset flip.


***

NEXT TIME

The epic conclusion of The Booker. The battle for the throne shall climax, two men shall fight for peace, and the drama of it all will make the company implode in on itself. Hold on, cliffhangers. You will not hang much longer.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 48th


Winners Take All Tag Team Match
Kofi Kingston and Mickie James versus The Amazonians and Death by Snu-Snu


You're scared (You're scared)

You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)

You crashed your spaceship in a random place
Your spongy flesh will be bruised for days
You can't crawl away
They have good basketball fundamentals
So you should not have charged them in the lane

And that's too bad (oh, too bad)
They'll crush your groin
The beautiful (beautiful) women (women) will hurt you first
Then the petite ('tite) women (women) will hurt you worst (we hear you sayin')

You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)
You no want (you take no more snu-snu)
You no want (you will get more snu-snu)

Hey pretty man I've been telling you
To not look so good
Cause these Amazons
They have not had snu-snu since they knew could

And that's too bad (oh, too bad)
They'll crush your groin
The beautiful (beautiful) women (women) will hurt you first
Then the petite ('tite) women (women) will hurt you worst (we hear you sayin')

You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)
You no want (you take no more snu-snu)
You no want (you do get more snu-snu


The Question:
Who wins and how?


*****

NEXT WEEK

If you book them, they will come.

AND

The cold has now spread to my special part, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.

The Entrance


Whether or not you care to admit it, entrance music can make or break the career of a professional wrestler. Time and time again, I have seen an up-and-coming grappler walk down the aisle to a generic, uptempo rock song in hopes of becoming the next great superstar, only to fade into the bottomless pit of obscurity soon after. While the road to wrestling superstardom is often difficult, a bad wrestling theme makes the road trip twice as hard. I feel for the unfortunate men and women who must amble out in their unfortunate spandex costumes to these audible monstrosities. Not only do they have to wrestle in front of ten thousand people in their chrome undergarments, but they must enter to the sound of an electric guitar regurgitating white noise over baby electric guitars. Apparently, those baby electric guitars in their electric guitar nest crave terrible music.

Aside from a few exceptions, World Wrestling Entertainment does not know how to create an effective entrance theme anymore. What happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin's pulse-pounding theme that could shatter any decorative pane of glass inconveniently placed before him? What became of Mankind's chilling piano theme before Mankind discovered the joys of wearing ties and scarfing down Chef Boyardee? Better yet, how about Randy Savage's never-rending graduation ceremony? Has he or has not received his degree in international relations from Texas A & M yet? According to today's WWE, an eye-catching entrance does not require distinct music. As long as each wrestler has a basic pyrotechnic display, a looping Titantron that features the wrestler looking angry and sad, and a theme that begins with the wrestler's name and favourite member of the Joy Luck Club (Ying Ying St. Clair, of course), they believe that performer is good to go. What a shame in the membrane.

Whenever I walk into the room, I want that room's attention; I want everyone to notice me. I want the people in that room to appreciate my walking skills. When you expect my arrival, you best believe you are about to get an amazing introduction. Without fail, I make the first impression count. From the start, I don't bother winning you over with my wit or charming you with my mere presence. Every time I need to make an entrance, I roll up in my periwinkle, 2002 Kia Sephia with a sliding door for an actual car door, tilt my old lady swimming cap to the side, barge into the joint, and play my flute like a gangster. If you can't play the flute like a gangster, you might as well not play the flute at all. I am told that Los Angeles gangs do not battle with fists or firearms. To settle the score, they engage in rounds of violent flute-playing. This is not red versus blue. This is a matter of side-blown flutes versus end-blown flutes.


Maria Callas - "O Mio Babbino Caro (Oh My Dear Papa)"

Anybody who is anybody loves Santino Marella's Italian, operatic entrance theme. Say what you will about the delicious Subway sandwich stealer, but Santino's "La Vittoria è Mia (Victory Is Mine)" is an international treasure. If I had such a theme song, I would not only steal delicious Subway sandwiches. Most likely, I would put on a pair of latex gloves and steal delicious Subway sandwich ingredients as well. I would have fat free honey mustard in one hand, a mound of mayonnaise in the other hand, and a grin on my delicious-Subway-sandwich-ingredient-stealing face. Correct me if I am wrong for the first time in my existence, but Marella's theme is unlike any other song in the current wrestling scene. I do not see why WWE hesitates to return to the operatic entrance theme well for another hit. Yet again, I will have to guide them to the bright light.

Hardcore and softcore video gamers alike may recognize the late Maria Callas' "O Mio Babbino Caro" as the song from the official trailer for Grand Theft Auto III. The beautiful song itself conveys intense feelings of heartache, lost hope, and self-loathing in a chaotic time. The singer's unrequited love for another is too much for her to handle. For the sake of Peter, Paul, and Mary, she wants to throw herself into a river and not live. In my opinion, professional wrestling was made to be melodramatic. Therefore, Callas' "O Mio Babbino Caro" is perfect for the entertainment sport. I envision this song as the theme for a man or woman on the brink of insanity. Imagine a wrestler exacting poetic, bloody revenge on his or her rivals to this song. If WWE heeds my word, they'll be throwing themselves into a river, too -- a river of sexy greatness.


Smashing Pumpkins - "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning"

Now that the summer of 2008 is about to come to a close, did you enjoy the summer movie season? Did you watch Indiana Jones eat bowl after bowl of All-Bran so he could garner enough fibre to fight his archaeological foes? Were you one of the two moviegoers who met Dave? Most of all, did you find out why you were so serious? Were you so serious because you discovered that your dog was bisexual? Here, here. If you haven't heard and adored the Smashing Pumpkins' "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by now, you might as tell your parents the bad news: you are a failure at everything. You fail so badly that you fail at failing. While I am aware that your parents have high hopes for you, I don't see success and happiness in your future. To start off your life as an immortal failure, here is your lifetime bus pass, your one-room apartment above a shady Korean nail salon, and your Sylvester Terkay t-shirt.

From my experience as a professional wrestling analyst, World Wrestling Entertainment defines haunting music as a flamboyant ghost chanting in a nonsensical fashion with the backup of a broken organ. Yes, I admit that the Undertaker and Kane have had quality themes in their respective careers. With that said, every dark character in WWE should not have the same type of song. With “The Beginning is the End is the Beginning,” WWE obtains an entrance theme that is truly unsettling. In comparison, Kane's first entrance theme encourages me to electric slide in a thunderstorm. Also, Undertaker's gong-tastic ditty makes me want to brush my shoulders off in a pet cemetery. Without question, "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" forces me to put on two pairs of Depends when I usually need one.


Nancy Sinatra - "Bang Bang"

Minutes ago, an incident occurred between myself and an unnamed female. Insider sources inform me that the female in question was five years of age and I was six years old. Due to our youth and interest in cost effective, playtime activities, we chose to ride on horses constructed out of wooden sticks. Since I preferred clothing colours that absorbed heat, I wore black. In turn, she preferred clothing colours that reflected heat. Thus, she wore white. In most cases of competition, I was victorious for I possessed superior wooden-stick-riding skills. Using onomatopoeic words to communicate the sound of loud gunshots, I uttered, "bang bang," and shot her body downwards. With a second "bang bang," her body struck the ground below her. On the third "bang bang," she declared my utterance as an awful noise to hear. With the final "bang bang," I was considered to be an infant who shot her body downwards. Did she survive? Are organic foods actually organic? The answer may surprise you. More at eleven.

Before Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill introduced us to this classy tune, Nancy Sinatra was best known as either Frank Sinatra's less talented daughter or the zany woman who claimed that her boots were made for walking. Some people loved that her boots were made for walking, while others believed that the efforts of her boots should have been utilized for more honourable causes, such as providing education for underprivileged children from third world countries. To my dismay, World Wrestling Entertainment is all about rocking and or rolling. Why can't professional wrestling have some spaghetti Western flare? Many wrestling fans claim that Kurt Angle and Ric Flair could wrestle entertaining matches with a broom. If you allow that broom to enter the ring to "Bang Bang," that broom automatically surpasses Angle and Flair in both talent and popularity.


Ratatat - "Seventeen Years"

I cannot let the wrestling industry go on without an entrance theme that resembles a funky Tetris song. In fact, I cannot comprehend how WWE has thrived this long without a theme that resembles a funky Tetris song. As a loyal fan, how can you sleep at night knowing that professional wrestling lacks a theme that resembles a funky Tetris song? In life, you can never go wrong with such a song. Without this music, I cannot move and link tetrominoes with grace or efficiency. In reality, I am a poor to mediocre tetromino mover. Sorry to break the news to you and yours. A tremendous human being like myself can only be tremendous at so many things.

The electronic music duo known as Ratatat understands that rhythmic bleeps and bloops make the world go 'round with "Seventeen Years," a song which should the official soundtrack for futuristic robots in space or masked wrestlers from Russia. All World Wrestling Entertainment needs to do is hire a masked Russian robot who prefers high flying over technical wrestling or brawling. Once the Stamford brass brings in Gavrilovich Preobavhensky: The Moonsaulting Robot from the Year 3223, they will have themselves an instant star. Clearing four lines at the same time will be Gavrilovich Preobavhensky's first order of business. A world title victory should be his next order of business, unless he must oil up his stiff joints first. If he has stiff joints, he will require WD-40. In lieu of WD-40, he will accept Space Margarine as a substitute joint lubricant.


Gianfranco Reverberi - "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon (In the Cemetery of Tuscon)"

In my opinion, instrumental songs are just as good if not better than lyrical songs. After all, entrance theme lyrics are not the most intelligent or original in sports. They may use different words or phrases, but most of them say, "I'm going to win because you are sucky. I'm a nice wrestler compared to the others. I have to win that gold belt because it holds up my pants." Sure, those qualities are important to a wrestler, especially his or her ability to hold up pants. Then again, I don't care about wrestlers’ pants or devices that wrestlers employ to keep their pants in the upwards position. Next time, maybe they should try those pants at the store before they buy them. Why do I have to learn about their poor pants purchases? I critique professional wrestling, not a wrestler's ill-advised garment acquisition.

If you think Gianfranco Reverberi's "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" sounds familiar, you are correct, sir and or madam. For one, this song concludes the 1968 Western Preparati La Bara! (Django, Prepare a Coffin). For two, "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" was the sample beat for "Crazy," Gnarls Barkley's 2006 summer hit. I'm not crazy for suggesting this tune, am I? Probably. If Nancy Sinatra's "Bang, Bang" does not want you to engage in a high-noon standoff, "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" should do the trick. The other day, I put this song on repeat, travelled to Arizona, and suplexed a scruffy cowboy onto a pointy cactus. I know I was supposed to use a gun, but I could not help myself. When I panic, I tend to suplex people onto objects. I apologize to the two lingerie models whom I met in the States. I didn't mean to suplex either of you onto that weathervane. I didn't know the touch of a woman at the time. I was three months old.


Marie LaForet - "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère (Paint It Black)"

In Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, French race car driver Jean Girard became the king of NASCAR to this song. I know this NASCAR comedy is fictional, but I wish it was real. If this film was real, I could finally advertise my adoration for Wonder Bread without judgement. As I write this piece, I’m wearing nothing but Wonder Bread wrappers.

In WWE, French wrestlers should be able to use Maria LaForet's "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère" to help them ascend to the main event. LaForet's version of The Rolling Stones song has an aggressive, retro, psychedelic sound. When you give a young French wrestler "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," you let that wrestler make an immediate “Frenchified” impact. Before that wrestler steps into the ring, wrestling audiences everywhere will take notice. In fact, they have to take notice. From the first note, this track hits you like an unavoidable tornado punch to the throat.

Professional wrestling could do a lot more with French characters than portray them as evil foreigners who despise American culture. As for me, I am dead tired of the evil foreigner gimmick. From this point forward, I demand that all foreigners in professional wrestling must drop their evil persona and adopt a wise talking bald eagle as their sidekick. These foreigners can take their bald eagle sidekicks to horror films. During the movie, the eagle can be all like, "Don't you go in those woods, white girl. There's a monster in them trees."


The White Stripes - "Death Letter"

Detroit, Michigan's mysterious tandem of Jack White and Meg White are better known as The White Stripes. As World Wrestling Entertainment's fascination with late 90s nu-metal and Kid Rock proceeds to flourish, bands like The White Stripes offer stripped down, alternative rock music with the type of grit that is synonymous with lasting entrance themes. Out of their entire catalogue, their cover version of Son House's "Death Letter" has a thick, lumbering blues beat that can best accentuate any big man's entrance to the ring. I'm looking at you, Funaki. I'm always looking at you. My reading glasses were made to read nobody but Funaki.

You don't have to be a fan of The White Stripes to appreciate "Death Letter" as a possible entrance theme. Even if you find Jack White's voice to be grating to the ears, consider this theme as an instrumental. As you play "Death Letter" in your modern cassette players, you will involuntary swagger to the music. Despite your efforts to stop swaggering, you will continue to swagger. If a stranger chops off your legs, "Death Letter" will force your torso to swagger along the rough pavement. If another stranger comes along and chops off your torso, why don't you stay at home for the day? What are you doing that encourages random strangers to hack your body into bits?


Muse - "The House of the Rising Sun"

To my knowledge, "The House of the Rising Sun" has no original songwriter. In the 1960s, The Animals released their rendition, which is arguably the most popular version of the song. Since "The House of the Rising Sun" has no original songwriter, I am going to guess John Cena wrote it. Even World Wrestling Entertainment is aware that John Cena can do no wrong. John Cena is the answer to every question asked by man. Who was the first person to walk on the moon? John Cena in an astronaut suit. Who was the first woman to vote? John Cena in drag. Where do babies come from? When a John Cena and a John Cena are in love, they decide to make produce John Cenas as a symbol of that John Cenan love. Then, John Cena turns into a stork and delivers John Cena to a mother's doorstep. The doorstep is John Cena.

Why do I think that "The House of the Rising Sun" is a fitting entrance theme? This song sends a powerful message. This song warns its listeners about the overindulgence of vices. This song communicates the horrors of corruption. In the end, this song is for the bad guy who is too far gone to correct his bad decisions, and for the good guy who struggles to fight off the worst in himself. Professional wrestling builds its characters from their actions, inside and outside of the ring. Wrestlers turn into heroes for doing the right thing. Wrestlers become villains for doing the wrong thing. Total Nonstop Action does not believe in the concept of heroes and villains. In other words, TNA wants to be the number two wrestling promotion for forever. For me, no story in wrestling is as compelling as a babyface who succumbs to his inner heelish desires. Give me Hulk Hogan's transformation into Hollywood Hogan over Samoa Joe's feud with baseball bats any day of the year of the decade of the century.


Noreaga - "Superthug (What, What)"

Longtime followers of The Swerved may deem Noreaga's "Superthug" as the unofficial theme song of the site. In response, those longtime followers would be correct. Puffy gold star stickers with googly eyes to several of you. For years, I have championed "Superthug" as an undisputable star maker and infallible powerhouse. In the history of "Superthug," this track has brought an end to multigenerational family feuds and absolute dictatorships. When Aladdin is not stealing bread from local merchants, he is grinding with Jasmine in the Arabian clubs to this song. A while ago, I specifically urged former First Lady and current New York Senator Hillary Clinton to use "Superthug" for her Democratic presidential campaign. Because she did not use this song, she did not become the Democratic presidential candidate. William Jefferson Clinton is ashamed to be your acting spouse in a non-physical relationship, Hillary. When Hillary is not around, Bill plays "Superthug" on his saxophone. Count on it. This is the exact reason why the ladies still dig him.

I will not attempt to convince World Wrestling Entertainment further. Sometimes, lost causes cannot be found. If WWE cannot comprehend the brilliance that is Noreaga's "Superthug," may World Championship Wrestling resurrect itself and topple Vince's wrestling empire. For the naysayers who claim that "Superthug" cannot defeat WWE, you must remind yourselves that everyday thuggery is vastly inferior to superthuggery. Get your head in the game. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, ladies and gentlemen? Several decades from now, I will plan out my will. Noreaga's "Superthug" shall marry my future wives and take care of my future legitimate and illegitimate children.


The Vitamin String Quartet Tribute to Queens of the Stone Age - "No One Knows"

Besides Ric Flair's "Also sprach Zarathustra," otherwise known as the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey, classical music is a wrestling rarity. On a superficial level, the grandiose sound of classical music best complements the pompous wrestling character. Picture a performer who struts out with the backing of a fifty-piece orchestra. How does that wrestler not succeed? When I feel down, I hire an orchestra to follow me wherever I go. How do I feed them? They share a gigantic marshmallow square. Sadly, they drink from a dirty sidewalk puddle. I'm made of flesh and bone, not money.

Only the crazies relate Queens of the Stone Age to classical music. When you hear The Vitamin String Quartet's version of "No One Knows," you will bask in their craziness. Their rendition shall confuse you with its excellence. At song's end, you will not know what to do with yourself. You may have the urge to become a vampire. You may wish to share your milkshake with a lonely werewolf. Finally, you may challenge Frankenstein to a heated debate about world issues in the center of the ring. What will you two bring to the table that Scott Steiner and Christopher Nowinski did not?

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 47th


Hell in a Cell Forever Match
Seal vs. Edge


Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P
Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P

There used to be a Deadman ruling Friday TV
Then you became R-Rated with Vickie's family
Hate remained a force that's my drive for revenge

But you should know,
I did not go
My eyes roll back in my head and
The bell that I toll can be heard

Lately,
I've been putting black roses on all of your friends
Ooh, the more I buy of them
The better discount I get from the black flower shop, yeah
And now I will put a black rose on you
There will be nothing you can do at the Pay-Per-View

Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P

There is so much slamming to do, so much in the summer
You will be
My opponent, my rival, my enemy, I say
To me you're like a thorn in my side with better hair
Won't you tell me when I get to beat you badly?

But you should know,
I did not go
My eyes roll back in my head and
The bell that I toll can be heard

Lately,
I've been putting black roses on all of your friends
Ooh, the more I buy of them
The better discount I get from the black flower shop, yeah
And now I'll put a black rose on you
There will be nothing you can do at the Pay-Per-View


The Question:
Who wins and how?


*****

NEXT WEEK

Get entranced by the entrance.

AND

It's not like I can just rub the sexy off. You know what I mean? You're either sexy or you're you.

Adamle Originals


In my entire life as a professional wrestling watcher, I have never witnessed a moment as great as the one that made Mike Adamle the new General Manager of Monday Night RAW. On that infamous, late July evening, I stood up and applauded as the former NFL running back, the former host of American Gladiators, the former play-by-play announcer for ECW, and the former ordinary human being became extraordinarily immortal. Forget WrestleMania I to XXIV; don't bother remembering any of the Super Bowls. Most of all, take your Beijing Summer Games and get them out of Michael David Adamle's spotlight. If you refuse to appreciate the new RAW GM at this instant, I will be coming for you. For the first time in a long while, I am not kidding. I don't even need to know your home or work address to find you. My sheer dislike for your existence will somehow fashion a Global Positioning System in my mind. At that point, I will let the kind and friendly yet sultry and seductive female voice tell me where to place a long line of slippery banana pills. As you leave your dilapidated home with a piece of cardboard for a front door or your fast food workplace with a C- restaurant health rating, you will slip on these peels towards a cliff. Happy landing. I hope you enjoy getting your face eaten by sharks and seagulls.

As I praise the one known as Adamle, the new boss of RAW continues to revolutionize the wrestling general manager position. Almost nobody believes that Mike Adamle can top the zany reign of Eric Bischoff and his assistant Chief Morley, but I do. I believe in the impossible. Of course, Jonathan Coachman was legendary in his roles as Vince McMahon's executive assistant and interim RAW General Manager. Can Mike Adamle command the same type of respect? Absolutely, positively yes with yes sprinkles on top of those other soft serve yeses. While Adamle is not a king like William Regal, he sure can speak like one. In the future, Mike Adamle will inspire the nation with the power of the spoken word from the power of the written word. When you think about the history of RAW, Mike Adamle reads from pieces of paper like no other general manager before him. Until Mike Adamle came along, I never knew general managers could read. In fact, I thought wrestling general managers received their information via interpretive dance. Now that I am aware that Mike Adamle is literate and uses eyeglasses for purposes other than burning ants on the sidewalk, RAW looks to be in excellent shape.

Why am I so confident about Mike Adamle, nobody asks? Well, let me relay this answer to you, nobody in particular. Mike Adamle is the first general manager to strive for originality. With the introduction of the "Adamle Original," Monday Night RAW is a better show. Do mine retinas fool me? Am I watching a weekly sports entertainment program, or am I watching the beauty of life in motion? Since Mike Adamle appears to be a mainstay on Monday nights, I don't think I will ever manage to tell the difference. Simply put, Mike Adamle completes World Wrestling Entertainment. Adamle is their rock. Adamle is their hard place. Adamle is whatever WWE wants him to be.

In the presence of the new RAW GM, I am humbled. Despite my tireless efforts to achieve everlasting greatness, I will never be as fantastic as Mike Adamle. I will never be as smart as Mike Adamle. Finally, I will never be Mike Adamle. One day, I must accept my fate. Until that day rears its daily head, I plan to learn from Adamle. In this case, the student may not become the teacher, but perhaps the student can ace the teacher’s course.

This week, I will learn about the "Adamle Original." How does it work? Why is it successful? How can I apply the “Adamle Original" to my own existence? Join me in this wonderful journey or prepare to not join me in this wonderful journey. The choice is sort of yours to make.


Adamle Original Rule #1: Adamle Originals Must Be Made By Mike Adamle

Mike Adamle cannot stress this Adamle Original rule enough. Don't bother creating an Adamle Original if you do not wish to obey this first rule. If you conjure up an idea and you’re not Mike Adamle, that idea is not an Adamle Original. If you say, "Oh hey, here's an Adamle Original for you. Let's have CM Punk face John "Bradshaw” Layfield in a match in which they do not wrestle against each other, but wrestle on each other. This match will have less friction. Also, if the match continues into the winter, both competitors will be warm. They will create an emergency blanket situation that is rather beneficial." No, you can't make that match. You're not Mike Adamle. "How about this one? Let's have Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels battle in a vision test at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The wrestler who is the least near sighted wins." Sorry, friend. You're not Mike Adamle either, what with your inability to appear Adamlean.

To my knowledge, this planet contains one Mike Adamle. For the other human beings who share his name, please get a new one. You are not the RAW General Manager, nor do you deserve to have the same name as a prestigious, professional wrestling general manager. From this point forward, every Mike Adamle who is not a general manager in World Wrestling Entertainment shall be renamed Alaquisha Spaceshipman. With a name like Alaquisha Spaceshipman, you better pray that they sell durable, yarmulke-friendly hair weaves on Jupiter. Make it so, Name Giving Saint Nicholas.


Adamle Original Rule #2: Adamle Originals Must Be Born Winners

Mike Adamle is a born winner. Straight from the womb, Mike Adamle has been the personification of victory. When the doctor took Adamle out from his mother, Mike slapped the doctor before the doctor could slap him. Mike Adamle is a lot like Chuck Norris, if only Chuck Norris was thrice the man that Mike Adamle is on his worst day. Because Mike Adamle is a born winner who spawns winnings things, Adamle Originals must be winners, too. With a single week under his belt as RAW GM, Mike Adamle has already topped Bill Goldberg's undefeated streak. As Mike Adamle, do not try to present any random idea as an Adamle Original. Your strategy will not work.

If you want to tell the difference between an Adamle Original and a wannabe Adamle Original, pay attention to your initial reaction. Does the proposal cause intense nausea and vomiting, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating, or uncontrollable arousal? For those of you who experience arousal for more than four hours, consult your doctor. Inform him or her that you have stumbled upon an Adamle Original. Also, if your doctor is a physically attractive female, or if she attractive from the inside when you get to know her personality, attempt to inform her from the waist down. For example, walk up to her from behind, hold her closer to you with your gentle hands, then kick her in the ovaries. After all, when in Rome, kick the Romans in their ovaries.


Adamle Original Rule #3: Adamle Originals Must Complicate Simple Concepts

Mike Adamle despises the one-on-one wrestling match. He never wants to encounter a one-on-one wrestling match again. When Mike was a little boy, his parents had to check for one-on-one wrestling matches under his bed.

This past week on RAW, Mike Adamle went out of his way to create a bout that was not one-on-one. Following an intense argument between JBL and Chris Jericho to decide whether or not Y2J looked convincing in short tights (his exposed legs can be compared to two breakfast sausages trying to escape from a black hole), Mike Adamle set up a handicap match. On that night, John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Chris Jericho had to battle CM Punk. If Bradshaw or Jericho won, that man would receive a Summerslam title shot. If Punk defeated either man, neither Bradshaw or Jericho would receive the shot. If the handicap match exceeded the ten-minute time limit, the Summerslam match would be JBL versus Chris Jericho versus CM Punk in a triple threat. Finally, if Jericho guillotined JBL on the top rope, who then pinned Punk with his massive flab, the audience would be forced to not care. Do you see what Adamle Originals can do for you?

The next time that you are Mike Adamle and propose an Adamle Original matchup, make the match as needlessly complicated as possible. Assign two referees for the match rather than one referee. Add a fourth rope to the wrestling ring to confuse competitors into thinking that they have transported themselves to a boxing ring. Enclose the contest in the confines of one steel cage, one bamboo cage, and one rice paper cage. I don't know about you, but I would pay a considerable amount of dollar dollars to witness one wrestler bloody another with an Irish whip into a rice paper cage. The force of the paper should tickle the blood right out of the wrestler's opponent. The power of Adamle Originals is in you, right beside your guts.


Adamle Original Rule #4: Adamle Originals Must Be Viewed on a Piece of Furniture with Mike Adamle, Who is on a Piece of Furniture as Well

Kelly Kelly is the first of several women who will bare witness to an Adamle Original on a piece of furniture with Mike Adamle, who will sit on a piece of furniture as well. When I reminisce about the most memorable diva-sitting moments in World Wrestling Entertainment history, Kelly Kelly sitting with Mike Adamle for no significant reason shoots up to the number one position. In terms of WWE Divas and Adamle Originals, ponder the endless possibilities. Kelly Kelly on a sofa, you say? How about Lilian Garcia on a Lay-Z-Boy? Better yet, how about Layla on a china cabinet? Oh, Layla El. You're so unpredictable. In addition, you're Superman's North African cousin. I don't know what you'll do next. Will you dance in the ring to run-of-the-mill stock music under a nonsensical, flashing light display? Every time you dance, you prove that Adamle Originals have never been seen before.

Without a WWE Diva with nothing important to do by his general managing side, Mike Adamle cannot call his ideas Adamle Originals. To the aspiring readers who wish to become Mike Adamle one day, do not forget to watch your Adamle Original next to a beautiful WWE Diva in a platonic manner. Don't put your arm around her. Don't compliment her looks either. Remember that wrestling general managers are the best looking fellows. No female in this world is not attracted to a wrestling general manager. Use your authority, don't abuse your authority. One love on a leather chair adjacent to a sofa with a WWE Diva on it.


Adamle Original Rule #5: Adamle Originals Must Be Original

To better understand this final rule, let's call you Mike Adamle for a second. Congratulations. At this moment, you are tremendous. In your mind, let's pretend that you are cooking up the next great Adamle Original. As Mike Adamle, you invent an entertaining sport in which athletic performers display various striking and grappling techniques in bouts of choreographed combat on an elevated, square stage before a populated venue. Away from the square stage, these performers assume exaggerated personas and participate in scripted storylines that borrow aspects from real-life conflicts. After much thought, you call this sport "professional wrestling." Now, I'm not a historian, but I believe you have an Adamle Original on your hands. Before Mike Adamle arrived on the scene, professional wrestling did not exist. Wrestlers were called "fighting people." Wrestling events were deemed "athletic fighting people expeditions." World Wrestling Entertainment was the "International I Don't Like You Fisticuffs League." While the given name does not reveal much, the two most important ingredients to the Adamle Original are Mike Adamle and Mike Adamle's originality. Put those two entities together and you will be golden like what.

As Mike Adamle, you wield tremendous power with Adamle Originals. Do not get carried away with your ideas. Having Adamle Originals at your disposal is like owning the blueprints to create fire without oxygen, or fluffy chocolate treats with only two musketeers. Whatever you do, do not construct a match in which two wrestlers team up to battle two other wrestlers. When you introduce that type of concept into the world, you are dealing with the most devilish of devils. For the sake of males everywhere, do not make women fight other women. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I have never seen a woman wrestle another. Women don't fight. They do my laundry. They wear expensive clothes and makeup to appear prettier than they are. Ladies are living, breathing rear-view-mirrors. That's it, that's all. I want to keep it that way. Get these dames out of my rag top, will you?

Monday, August 04, 2008

Conversations with Batman: Fallopian Tube Love



*****

NEXT WEEK

Adamle and me.

AND

Forget everything you know about slip covers.

The Wrestling Diaries


This week, I take a stroll down Recollection Boulevard to September 2005. Why Recollection Boulevard? You see, I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but Memory Lane is for the poor, the ugly, and the uneducated. Conversely, Recollection Boulevard has a beautiful rose garden, pristine tennis courts, and a reinforced cage for street urchins. Thankfully, this cage prevents the urchins from begging for stale sesame crackers while I am trying to spend quality time with my lady friend, my other lady friend, her lady's lady friend, and some attractive stranger I met near the water fountain. Let me tell you, when two slate statues make eye contact with each other as they relieve themselves in a pond of pennies, you've got yourself some romance. Forget your fast cars and your blatant disregard for the safety of yourself and your fellow passengers, Nicholas Luscious Hogan. Elaborate water fountains are the ultimate panty remover.

On this edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, I look back on the many tidbits and secrets found from the diaries of popular professional wrestlers. Everything you think you know about the muscly men and women of World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action is false. Go ahead and throw your preconceived notions out the window for they will do no good. Before he asks the question, Booker T knows if you can dig it or not. He simply asks the question to break the ice. Due to their unmentioned inexperience in the boudoir, D-Generation X would prefer if you would not suck it. If you are going to physically express your love for Shawn Michaels or Hunter Hearst Helmsley, hold hands to start. Last of all, Batista does not stand alone. While you may not accept this fact, have you ever seen Batista stand alone with your own eyes? If you witness Batista riding a subway, space constraints prevent him from standing by himself. Do not get me started with Batista at a standing-room only concert. He is not as special as he claims to be.

As you direct your judgemental glares to these forgotten secrets of yesteryear, consider yourself lucky. Even though I have been to the diary well three times in my illustrious, professional wrestling analytic career, I will never visit that well again. The task is too dangerous. The risks are too plentiful. Death is but a single page turn away. The day that I borrow another diary of a professional wrestler is the day that I am no more. Truck driving is not the safest job in the world, though it is not as difficult as borrowing diaries. I scoff at the supposed plight of farm workers, airplane pilots, and policemen as well. Yes, a malfunctioning tractor or unpredictable farm animal may run over an unsuspecting farm hand. In turn, diary borrowers may strain their index finger as they attempt to pry open the diary's heavy front cover. Airplane pilots may perish in a horrific ocean crash which leaves zero survivours. On the other hand, A jagged key that opens a diary may slightly scratch a diary borrower‘s delicate epidermis. A policeman may get shot in the face by a stray bullet during an intense standoff with a manic criminal. Likewise, the printing on the diary page may be messy, which makes reading a definite challenge for the diary borrower. In the future, the plight of the diary borrower must be put into song for it is the most stressful task of all.

Until that day arrives, let us bask in the warmth of diary secrets. This feels so wrong, yet so right. One moment later, this feels so wrong for a second time. Let’s keep this meeting quiet. I don’t want to wake up the neighbours.


***

The following piece contains excerpts I have recently uncovered from the diaries of select professional wrestlers. Please do not ask how I got these entries because I am not particularly proud of the means through which I attained them. Although, be aware that my body is currently in sharp pain. Furthermore, I had to listen to a karaoke rendition of "Sk8erboi" sung by Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle for the entire time. Whether you think this was a good or bad experience is up to you. As for me, I am confused. In addition, do not inquire about further entries from a particular person's diary. I cannot help you because 1) I do not have them at the moment and 2) you do not the have the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. Nevertheless, please enjoy these intriguing snippets of what I consider be an excellent look into the lives of those in the business.

(Unlike the casual wrestling audience, I do not view professional wrestlers as larger-than-life superstars. Wrestlers are not any different than you and I. Do not be fooled by their glistening pectoral muscles or their willingness to cup another man's junk during gorilla press slam attempts.


We all make millions of dollars by play fighting with other grown men. If you don't partake in this activity yourself, leave our world. We all appear in cliché action films supported by no-name actors who wish to use said films as a springboard towards artist, erotic thriller serials on Showtime. We all mask our recreational drug use through complex, underhanded methods in order to keep our precious spot at the top. Don't lie to yourself. Last week, I took some horse steroids, ate a bale of hay, placed third in a steeplechase, produced liquid glue to help construct children's macaroni collages, then fathered several illegitimate colts and fillies. We are cut from the same sports entertainment cloth.)

This first excerpt comes from the "The Con-Man" himself -- Rob Conway. His diary was labelled "The Con-Journal." Well, he can't win them all, but I applaud his efforts. Good show, incredibly shiny guy.

(Rest in peace, Rob Conway’s sequined pageboy cap. I shall bury you in the dirt next to the other members of the Wrestling Headwear Hall of Fame. You will rest next to the greats, such as Buff Bagwell's magical top hat, heel John Cena's white bucket hat, Vince McMahon's jet black do-rag, and last but not least, Godfather's fedora with a feather on it. When the Godfather desired to discipline his hos for being too respectable and ambitious, he would not slap them with the back of his hand. In times of trouble, he would tickle them with his hat feather. Oh, the sacrifices that peacock made to complete the Godfather's wardrobe. Cristal on the sidewalk for that peacock. One day, may he regain his job as the NBC logo.)


Dear Diary,

Just look at me. Ain't I a sight to see? Just look at me. I'd like to know where that hat with the sequins went. I hardly wear it anymore. I loved that hat as it made me look like a flamboyant limousine driver. "Not only will I take you to the airport, but I'm also... gonna make couscous!" Yeah, that would've been great. A while ago, I used to be in a tag team with somebody who looked like that Jude Law person if you squinted hard enough. I used to call him Sly Captain and the World Wrestling Entertainment of Tomorrow. Now, he's on some Friday night show. I didn't even know there was television on a Friday. With him by my side, I was a 20-time World Tag Team Champion, beating powerhouse combinations like Sgt. Slaughter and Rhyno, Val Venis and Rhyno, and Tajiri and Rhyno. We totally revolutionized tag team wrestling. I wish the best for Almost Jude Law, but I wish better for myself (naturally, because I "con"). First we were from France, then we were from Quebec. Because we were moving west, our next hometown would have been the Pacific Ocean. Man do people hate that ocean. I've been told that a lot of Americans are furious that the Pacific Ocean made some very poor decisions for the country. In one of his 2004 campaign speeches, John Kerry was like, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out, large body of water!". Now that I think of it, he was wearing a hat that was exactly like mine during his speech. That magnificent bastard.

Just di-ar-y,
Rob Conway

(Three years ago, the WWE tag team division was no better than it is now. Between Conway and Grenier as La Résistance and a thousand random, makeshift teams, I choose a slow, painful demise via experimental cosmetic surgery in a dirty, abandoned, Venezuelan fruit stand. Why yes, my dream is to look one-half Beetlejuice. Why didn't you ask me this question sooner? Off the top of my head, I can count about five decent tag teams in the company today. Actually, four is the more accurate number. Don't tell me that Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder are watchable because I will never believe you. They may be the WWE Tag Team Champions, but do wrestling fans even pay attention to them? One of them wears long tights; the other does not. World Wrestling Entertainment sure does love to develop their tag teams.


What will they do next? Will they make Curt Hawkins grow sideburns? Will they let Zack Ryder carry around a packet of yogurt everywhere he goes so the other wrestlers will know that he is the only man on this planet who publicly eats yogurt?)

This next journal entry is from Jeff Jarrett, one of the many people who will help launch TNA on SpikeTV, October 1st in the year 2005. Personally, I would love to see some competition for the industry sorely needs it. Therefore, best of luck to the company and the network. Spike is really making the case that TNA is THE alternative. More wrestling, you say? I don't even know what that is, but it sounds innovative.

(Total Nonstop Action has come a long way these past few years. Back then, Jeff Jarrett ruled the company as the reigning champion of the National Wrestling Alliance and the unofficial champion of white pants wearers across the galaxy. Fast forward to 2008, I have no clue what is going on during Impact. Who is this guy with the thing? Who is this other guy with the other thing? Why does Kevin Nash appear to be the love child of Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson and a cumulous cloud? I couldn't tell you the number of times that I mistook Kevin Nash for an accomplished National Basketball Association coach or a puffy cloud on a overcast afternoon. The number is rather large.)


Dear Diary,

I'm running out of people to attack with silver guitars. I have hit pretty much everybody there is to hit in TNA. So, yesterday, I decided to hit myself with it and the guitar was still intact, except for the part that my head went through. After that, I was wearing the shattered guitar like a neckerchief and everyone was commenting on how great it looked. I saw myself in the mirror at the end of the day and started to shake my head forwards and backwards so it would twirl around like a hula hoop. That was fun, so I'm going to continue to wear it. I don't even need to be NWA World Champion again. I can just wear this instrument on my shoulders for the rest of my career. People will see me on television and want one of their own. The response should be very sweet. I think I want a feud with Samoa Joe in which he's jealous about my neck guitar. Why shouldn't he be? No submission move will win him a neck guitar anytime soon. Plus, fans will be able to hear Don West scream, "He's wearing a guitar, Mike Tenay!" Next, Mike will run down the history of it: "Emanating from Mexico, this guitar has wrestled in the United States, Japan, and many other countries all around the world. He has battled the likes of the Tambourine Kid, Ultimo Kazoo, and the team of Super Piccolo and Xylophone IV." That's Total Nonstop Sweetness right there.

That's N-E-C-K G-U-I-T-A-R,
Jeff Jarrett

(Although I don't follow Japanese professional wrestling, I continue to hear good things about the Tambourine Kid and Ultimo Kazoo. Since the buzz emanates from Japan, the buzz mostly consists of cutesy giggles from shy yet mischievous schoolgirls and early 1990s karaoke songs from creepy, elderly businessmen. I am told that the Tambourine Kid's finisher is a breathtaking top turnbuckle Tiger Driver called "The Tracy Partridge Tambourine Jamboree." I think I love you, Tambourine Kid. Other professional wrestling analysts who are not as fantastic as I am claim that Ultimo Kazoo has a tremendous workrate. In my opinion, Ultimo Kazoo has to have an impressive workrate because he is the last kazoo. Without Ultimo Kazoo, Edge and Christian would not have existed.)


WWE RAW interviewer Maria Kanellis is a charming gal. Judging from what I have seen from her, she seems to be likable enough and the company puts her to reasonably effective use. What I don't understand is her personality off-screen, especially from the words she has written in this diary entry. She comes off as cold and distant. What happened to the Maria whom I adored? You stole her soul, hardcover Hello Kitty notebook; I hate you for it. I hope your pages turn a tan-like yellow and become incredibly dog-eared.

That's right. I said it.

Dearest Diary,

I find this task rudimentary at best.

Respectfully yours,
Maria Kanellis

(Rudimentary is big word for a naked girl. For your mastery of the English language, you shall receive a jelly bean. Sadly, you will receive a black jelly bean. I hope you like your jelly beans how you like your men -- soft and chewy, yet often inedible. Are you sure you want to talk and be distinct from the other naked girls? Wouldn't your job be easier for you if you stood there and said nothing to nobody? Wait, isn't that your job at this moment? Ever since I was a handsome little girl, I wanted to pose for Playboy Magazine, but you know what? I knew I was better than a Playboy Magazine spread. In the end, I posed for North American Fisher Magazine instead. Silver carps were strategically placed on my thirty-three private areas. Match point, Maria. Your move. Ninth down. Fourth period. Bottom of the third.)


At first, John "Bradshaw" Layfield did not strike me as a man who likes to play with Bratz dolls and talk on his candy cell phone. Today, I admit I was in the wrong. I sincerely apologize for this assumption as I have now found out that he is more than a wrestling God. Truly, Bradshaw is a mentor of sorts for people from all walks of life. If I had to guess what influences his way of thought and action, I'd have to say that it could be Farooq. Although, I always thought Farrooq was more of a guy who enjoys making amazing cupcakes in his deluxe Easy Bake Oven. By the way, wasn't that what the A.P.A. was about? I thought beer was just a cover-up for fruit smoothies and the door to their office was built with care and tenderness.

(Deep down, Bradshaw is a pre-teenage girl. You know what JBL did behind the tinted windows of his limousine? Bradshaw, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase Jr. played People’s Court: Bratz Dolls Edition. In most cases, Jasmin looked to sue Sharidan for unpaid rent, stolen property, or irreparable damages to her whorish appearance. According to my sources, Bradshaw liked to mix it up sometimes. In response, my futures rise just thinking about these wonderful little plays, if you get my Tokyo Drift. Forget those WWE Divas with their stupid hair, faces, eyes, noses, teeth, breasts, arms, legs, torsos, pelvises, butts, and backs. Give me People’s Court: Bratz Dolls Edition any day of the year. Remember, the marquee reads World Wrestling Entertainment, not World Wrestling Swimsuit Competitions Whenever We Feel Like it.)


Dear Diary,

This entry is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. OMG OMG OMG you guyz I had ice cream and it tasted so so good. I luv choco-choco-chocolate oh ya. I'm gonna rename my finish to The Clothesline From Baskin Robbins LOL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ew the Good Humor Man tried to git my number. Ew. Whateva. I don't want no scrubs. NO NO NO NO NAH NAH NAH. Ok I'm gonna go roller blade and then I'm gonna go to the mall. Hot pink tights for me and OJ y'all. Hahahahaha I should blade all around the store. Every1 would be like "He's the fastest shopper evar!". OMG so tru. My dog George W. Sprinkles says holla. I love her so much. I keep her in ma lap all the timez haha. Anyway I'm bouncin'. Toodles LOL!!!!!

Luv,
Jizzle B Lizzle

(Fifty years from now, your children's children will read about our time within the pages of scholarly textbooks. Their articulate teacher will lead a discussion regarding reasons as to why the people of 2008 chose to converse in this abbreviated, dumbed-down manner through speech and communicative text. After several hours of intense debate, your children's children will conclude that our generation spent too much time rolling on the floor, laughing in an uncontrollable manner until our posteriors voluntarily detached themselves from our persons. Since we tend to simultaneously lose our knowledge for grammar and spelling and our posteriors on a frequent basis, your children's children will surmise that the human brain has moved from the human head to the human buttocks. Good work, everyone. You have created a disturbing future. Get in the ROFLcopter now if you want to live.)


You might not believe that I received this final entry in the most legal of ways, but I did. For the true believers, I give to you Bret Hart's journal. Now, he does not say much, though what he does say is quite important and informative. Thus, you must read this entry a few times over to comprehend what he's talking about. While I believe that "The Hitman" should be remembered as a legendary wrestler rather than the man caught in the middle of the Montreal Screwjob (Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels were playing hopscotch; Bret cheated), I do not know why he chooses to reveal the truth behind the incident now... in his diary... which I obtained legally... for sure.

(I have expressed my opinion on the Montreal Screwjob before, yet I will reiterate it once more. Shawn Michaels, Vince McMahon, and Earl Hebner did not screw Bret Hart on that fateful November night. In addition, Bret Hart did not screw himself. Out of all parties involved at the 1997 Survivor Series, I blame Milton Bradley's Karate Fighters for the incident. Damn you, Milton Bradley. Get your monkeys out of my barrel. First, you have the nerve to rip off the concept of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Then, you kick Bret Hart right out of the company with your plastic karate killers. Do not swing your spastic legs at me, Skullcrusher. You have brought great pain to the industry with your-skull crushing ways. You have done enough physical and emotional damage for one night.)


Dear Diary,

My reason for coming back and working on a DVD with Vince McMahon is simple. Maybe Shawn Michaels will never get it, and Earl Hebner too, but I think they'll understand the reason once I reveal it to the public. You see... I did it... for The Rock. I did it... for the people. It's that simple. Nothing more and nothing less. It's not a given that I'll be in Chicago around WrestleMania time, but I do hope to be in the WWE 2006 Hall of Fame with fellow inductees like Randy Savage. Also, Mark Jindrak.

Sincerely,
Bret Hart

(What do you get when you combine Mark Jindrak, a free-standing mirror, and Theodore Long? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. In Swerved City, the official home of this glorious site, Mark Jindrak's narcissist gimmick is the official currency of failure. For only one-hundred Jindrakian narcissist gimmicks, you can bring shame to your immediate and extended families for life. If that gimmick is "The Reflection of Perfection," I vow to be as imperfect as possible. Don't be afraid to chuck Swiss Army Knives at my beautiful, symmetrical face. That gimmick natural born thrills me and natural born kills me. I think Mark Jindrak should drink my expired milk backwash. No offense, Mark Jindrak.)