Monday, August 25, 2008

The Booker: Book of Dreams


There are seven billion of us. Out of that seven billion, six billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hundred of us will fail to realize our dreams. We all come from unique places, such as a lopsided hut built with elephant dung in the smoldering, barren plains of Africa, or in my case, a Medieval castle constructed out of unloved helper monkeys in a gated, West Coast community. We all have unique ways of looking at the world, except my way is right and yours is wrong. We don't always agree, but for this shining week, let's set it all aside. Let us come together to stand and cheer me on as I book a wrestling promotion to lasting greatness. Let us forget about all the things that make the other bookers terrible and remember all the things that make me an ingenious wrestling mind.

Maybe it's not how I perfectly book that forces you to root for me. Maybe's it not the sparkling, bright pink booking jacket on my back, or the fanciful booking music that you hear when I create an entertaining show that makes you cheer. Maybe it's simply that I am human; and you are almost human from a distance with bottle cap glasses over my eyes; and when I succeed, unsuccessful wrestling fans around the world witness how successful people manage to succeed.

Like a lot of people, Vince McMahon followed in his father's footsteps and went into the family business. Of course, that's a lot harder when the family business is trying to book as well as Stephen Rivera.

The Swerved with Stephen Rivera. Proud sponsor of this installment of The Booker, and the only site accepted on the internet.


Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. So long, McMahon family. In other news, water is now dry. Between bites of organic fruit salad, health-conscious people will try to drink from their environmentally-friendly water bottles. Yes, I'm going to get them good. Drinking water will feel like downing a cup of forest fire.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from the ground upwards. My company will entertain its viewers with new matches, feuds, interviews, and segments. Thankfully, SWE will never do Championship Scramble Matches. What gives Vince McMahon the right to confuse me, someone who is never confused? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, scramble matches will be non-title. Checkmate in a game of Chutes and Ladders, Vincent.
- While some characteristics of the WWE may be similar to those of SWE, the two promotions exist in alternate dimensions. World Wrestling Entertainment exists in a Sci-Fi Network Original Movie, living on a planet that features effeminate dragons as the ruling alien race. In turn, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment exists on Earth. Planet Earth? What a concept.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not allow wrestlers who are designated to one brand's show to appear on another. Everybody wants a piece of Jamie Noble, but everybody can't get a piece of Jamie Noble. This is the first and only rule of Jamie Noble Club.
- Check the archives for previous installments of The Booker. When you enter the underground vault, remember to blow away the many layers of dust on the cover of those archives to make it appear as though they are old and ancient. Next, meet an wise, elderly man who can tell you about the dangers of these archives in a semi-English accent. Before you continue, get Nicholas Cage to discover the truth behind these archives.
- Each monthly installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. Fortunately and unfortunately, Book of Dreams is the fourth of five installments. Although, I think The Booker will live on in your heart forever, like UPN's Shasta McNasty.



***

SWE Mobster Eating Pasta Pay-Per-View Card
August 17, 2008
Presented by D'Lo Brown. D'Lo Brown: The little children say, "Who'Lo?"


World Heavyweight Title Match
Umaga (c) vs. Batista

SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. Triple H or John Cena

SWE Championship #1 Contender Match
Triple H vs. John Cena

SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk

SWE Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way Match
Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle

ECW Championship Triple Threat Elimination Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy

Shawn Michaels vs. Edge

Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio


***

Scott Norton wants to run his own promotion? This is vicious and delicious news. The second coming of Scott Norton versus Ernest "The Cat" Miller should be the modern day Austin versus Rock.


RAW


News:
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment told Lance Cade to stay in rehab. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment thinks his star-power will rub off on rehab.


Television Results:


JULY 28, 2008

- Triple H makes his triumphant return to RAW to the tune of Motorhead's "King of Kings" and "The Game." Even in SWE, I can't stop Triple H from having two entrance themes. Apparently, it is time to play the game of kings -- Guess Who? Does your person have Lemmy-inspired facial hair? No? You and your rosy cheeks are gone, Bill. With a breathy, snarling voice, Hunter calls out William Regal and his Kingdom. After a minute of silence, Regal shows up on the big screen with Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. He laughs at Triple H for thinking that the King of SWE would show up on command and endanger himself in the company of a lowly savage. Regal tells Hunter that he will grant him his shot when he deserves it, on a stage appropriate for the presence of a king. What do you mean? Gary, Indiana is a wonderland.
- Behind the scenes, Santino Marella and Carlito discuss the current state of the tag team division. Marella claims that RAW has too many teams from the "streets of the hippity hop." True, true. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment has an abundance of bunnies from Compton. He does not understand why an international powerhouse like Santino and Carlito are not in the tag team title hunt. Carlito suggests that they should adopt a new philosophy.
MATCH 1:
Santino Marella and Carlito defeat the Highlanders with Carlito's Backstabber on Rory. Before the match, Carlito and Santino come out in motorized scooters with spinning rims. When I am old and grey, I plan to equip my walk-in bathtub with an under glow light and a spoiler. In their post-match celebration, Santino and Carlito make it rain with spare change. They're so gangster. They don't even use bank rolls.
- Backstage, your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela catches up with a returning Candice Michelle. Candice announces that she is back and better than ever. Unless the doctor replaced her clavicles with carbon nanotubes, I don't believe her. In anticipation for the upcoming rematch between Mickie James and Natalya, Candice lends her support to Mickie. Wait, that's her return? She should have plugged ProceedFather.org.
MATCH 2: SWE Women's Championship Match
Natalya defeats Mickie James via cheating. Natalya reverses a Mickie DDT into a Northern Lights Suplex, then places her feet on the top rope for leverage. Referees never look at the top rope. They are too busy making three counts that appear to be four counts. After the match, Mickie returns to her feet and tackles Natalya. While Beth Phoenix runs down the aisle to help Natalya, Candice Michelle sprints to the ring to even up the odds. Upon sight of the raving one, Natalya and Beth Phoenix walk away from the ring. Yeah, I don't like raving either. I think one should take ecstasy in private.
- Chris Jericho presents a highlight video of his Pay-Per-View victory over Rey Mysterio. Jericho encourages the audience to see the real Rey Mysterio, not the man with the mask but the man behind the mask. That is no man behind the mask. Rey Mysterio resembles my six-year-old, second cousin Churro Fair. My cousin is from Mexico. He was named after the place where he was conceived. At the end of segment, Jericho invites the viewers to stay tuned for Mysterio's final match on RAW.
- As Triple H paces in the hallway, John Cena confronts him. Cena offers to help Hunter take down the Kingdom. In response, Triple H stares at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He shoves Cena away and walks to the arena exit. Hunter does not need any help. If he's ever in trouble, Triple H can summon a third Motorhead theme.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews an irate LAX. Homicide and Hernandez initiate a bleeping tirade, cursing out the new World Tag Team Champions. Homicide tells Korpela that the turf war between LAX and Cryme Tyme is far from over.
MATCH 3:
LAX take out their Latin American Anger on Hardcore Holly and Jim Duggan. Good for LAX. Holly and Duggan don't approve of their tendency to not exist as a futuristic airport in Los Angeles.
- Via satellite feed, Mr. Kennedy appears at SWE Headquarters with an upper body cast. The Intercontinental Champion thanks his fans for the well-wishes and balloons, then apologizes to CM Punk. Ken admits that he should have revealed the severity of his mystery injures earlier. How do you injury your whole torso, but not the rest of your body? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want my own sweater vest-like cast.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Rey Mysterio surprises Chris Jericho with a Walls of Jericho reversal into a small package. With the win, Rey pumps his fists in the air and makes a run for it. Back in the ring, an embarrassed Jericho stares at Mysterio with revenge on his mind. Somewhere out there, Churro Fair cheers for Mysterio. His sister, Empty Fish Market Stall, loves Mysterio’s win, too.


AUGUST 4, 2008

- For the second week in a row, Triple H begins Monday Night RAW in the middle of the ring. Just as Hunter breathes into the microphone, King William Regal and his Kingdom appear on the video screen. Regal gives a hearty hello to Triple H and wishes him good luck in the RAW main event. He informs him that Hunter's passion to dethrone the King of SWE is commendable for a former king. Oh. No. He. Did. Not. I believe the fight is on like a bonbon. With Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea by his side, Regal announces his decision for the Pay-Per-View: Triple H will receive his SWE Championship shot on August 17th, if and only if he defeats his opponent beforehand in a number one contender match. For a reason unbeknowst to fans other than Hunter, Triple H asks the screen to tell him who his opponent will be in said match. On the screen, Regal laughs, then assures Hunter that he will reveal his opponent later in the night. Wow, Hunter is a magician as well? I can’t compete with Triple H the Mage.
- Candice Michelle prepares for her upcoming match. She's wearing something glittery with rainbows. She's outright stealing The Great Khali's WrestleMania XXV costume.
MATCH 1:
In her return to singles competition, Candice Michelle defeats Jillian Hall with the Candy Wrapper. The good news is that Candice's clavicles did not break. The bad news is that Natalya and Beth Phoenix are here. They attempt to break both clavicles for her in an two-on-one ambush attack. To compensate Candice's save last week, Mickie James shows up to clean house. Whose house? Most likely, Run's house. The details are sketchy.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's latest shenanigans. Punk sarcastically applauds Ken's act and plans to vote for him for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. If Punk is going to vote for Mr. Kennedy, he should wait until Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia arrives in theatres. I heard that film is fantastic great good okay tolerable a film.
- In perfect timing, Mr. Kennedy comes to you live from SWE Headquarters to update CM Punk and his fans on his current condition. Ken buffs his Intercontinental Title in noticeable agony. The doctor told Ken not to lift heavy machinery or shine bright abdominal accessories. Please take his advice, Kennedy. Kennedy stresses that if he doesn't make it, he wants Punk to bury the Intercontinental Championship next to his intercontinental body. With that heartbreaking performance, I vote Mr. Kennedy for Ultimate Winner of the Universe.
MATCH 2:
LAX dismantle Deuce and Domino to send another message to Cryme Tyme. How dare they demolish Deuce and Domino. Those Latin American Xchangers should sit on it. I don't care who sits on it, but one of them must do so.
- Homicide and Hernandez walk up the ramp and mouth off to the ringside fans. To the audience's delight, a broken-down Shad and JTG meet them, wielding crutches. While Cryme Tyme pummels LAX, Homicide and Hernandez stumble out of harm’s way.
- All by himself, Chris Jericho stews in the locker room. He is available to take out his frustrations on those who wear towels everywhere they go, even though that they have not yet showered.
MATCH 3:
Chris Jericho defeats Val Venis with the Walls of Jericho. After the contest, RAW officials have to pry Jericho's way from the hold. Jericho leaves with a demented smile and sends that win out to Rey Mysterio. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is all about gift giving. Every day is Christmas.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H defeats Mark Henry with the Pedigree. For most of the match, Henry dominates Hunter with power move after power move. Henry's pectorals go all around his back like that because they can. As Henry tries to finish Triple H off with a splash, Hunter avoids the move, knees Predator in the face, and executes his well-known finisher.
- Hunter remains in the ring to await King Regal's announcement. When Regal's theme blasts over the speakers, Triple H searches for a place to direct a mad, violent beating. A lone spotlight shines on a skybox near the on-camera side of the arena. Regal emerges from the skybox, waves to Hunter, then points to the top of the ramp. To conclude the show, Hunter watches Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea shove an unconscious John Cena down the ramp.


AUGUST 11, 2008

- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela starts off RAW with an interview with SWE Women's Champion Natalya. Korpela urges Natalya to express her thoughts on the upcoming fatal four-way match at Mobsters Eating Pasta, one of the more prestigious events featuring professional businessmen consuming anger hair on the current wrestling scene. Natalya stresses that she has nothing to worry about the match because Beth Phoenix has her back. For the entire interview, Beth takes passing glances at Natalya's championship belt. I know that look anywhere. Natalya is right. She does not have to worry. In case that belt falls off Natalya's shoulder, Beth's glance should keep it from hitting the ground. Sure, that’s what Beth is doing.
MATCH 1:
Mickie James and Candice Michelle defeat Natalya and Beth Phoenix in tag team action. In the finish, Mickie nails Natalya with the Mickie DDT and attempts to pin her, but Beth interferes and shoves her through the ropes to the ringside floor. An exhausted Candice, the legal woman in the match, rolls onto Natalya to pin the SWE Women's Champion. Once Mickie regainx her composure, she watches Candice's celebration with envy. I know that look anywhere. Candice does not have to worry. If Candice wins the Women's Title at the Pay-Per-View, Mickie James will hand her the title with a smile. Yes, that's what Mickie will do.
- William Regal and his Kingdom interrupt the show with their arrival to the arena skybox. In the presence of the King of SWE, the fans are rather rude. Regal ought to bathe every single one of them in the River Thames. Prince Paul hands Regal the microphone on an ornate pillow while Princess Katie dusts off his royal coat. After last week's announcement of a Number One Contender Match between Triple H and John Cena, Regal wants to know who their true hero is now: the vengeful man who does no care whether his allies live or die, or a generous ruler who puts the interests of the citizens before himself? Regal understands that few people are unable to cheer for a man with more power than they could ever imagine, but wants the audience to see that he is not a bad person. Unlike Triple H, he sympathizes with their hardships. Hunter will require a fourth Motorhead theme to rebut Regal's claim.
- With Mr. Kennedy, cast and all, in a wheelchair, an SWE official pushes the Intercontinental Champion's down the hallway. Ken is about ready to make a big announcement concerning his physical condition. I bet he announces how itchy that cast is on his upper body.
- A brittle Mr. Kennedy addresses the SWE audience, holding back the painful tears that wish to run down his face. Mr. Kennedy clutches his title in one hand and tells the audience about his injury. Several weeks ago, moments before he his title match against CM Punk, he fell down a set of five stairs and broke his entire upper body. I don't know about you, but I buy it. When I was ten, I broke my pelvis trying to lift a heavy fork. Though Mr. Kennedy is confident that he will make a full recovery, he will be unable to compete at Sunday's Pay-Per-View. To conclude his announcement, he wishes CM Punk the best of luck in his other endeavours. Speaking of the man, CM Punk stomps to the ring, pushes Ken's assistant aside, and kicks the champion out of his wheelchair. Upon impact with the mat, Ken's paper-maché cast shatters into pieces. Before Punk can attack him further, Kennedy scurries out of the ring with his title. Why, Mr. Kennedy has been faking all along. Oh well. In the world of professional wrestling, lying makes you more honest somehow.
- Cryme Tyme utilize the grey curtain to respond to LAX. Shad and JTG can't take the Latin American Xchange anymore. They are tired of Homicide and Hernandez running their mouth. Together, they raise their World Tag Team Titles in the air and beg LAX to come and get them. Cryme Tyme will fight until they don’t have any fighting limbs left. Even then, they may fight with their ears.
MATCH 2:
Princess Katie Lea Burchill defeats Melina in the fastest match ever (involving a wrestling princess). Regal succumbs to Princess Katie Lea's constant whining and lets her compete. Since she does not want to get her gown dirty, Regal hands her a pair of brass knuckles prior to the bout. When the bell rings, Katie distracts the referee and clocks Melina in the head with a brass knuckle shot.
- Chris Jericho catches up with Mark Henry to give him pointers for his match against Rey Mysterio. Point number one: Avoid draping your body over the middle rope. Point number two: Don't get distracted by Mysterio's bright, flashy wardrobe. Point number three: Have fun out there. Point number three is the most important point. Henry must retrieve a notepad and a pen or a number two pencil.
MATCH 3:
Rey Mysterio defeats Mark Henry with a springboard splash from the top rope. In a lengthy contest, Mysterio manages to outlast the larger Henry. Rey uses his speed to his advantage and sneaks by with two 6-1-9s and the aforementioned finishing move. After the match, Chris Jericho appears and directs Henry to show Mysterio how he feels about The Biggest Little Man's biggest little victory. Henry takes out Mysterio with the World's Strongest Slam. Next, Jericho snatches Mysterio's mask from his head and puts it on his own face. In my view, Juventud's mask was better. Seriously. Don’t tell me Jericho lost it.
- Backstage, Triple H comes across a battered John Cena. Hunter tries to get Cena's attention, but John refuses to face him. As Triple H is about to apologize, John Cena shuts him up and tells him to win his damn match so they battle it out at the Pay-Per-View already. Triple H leaves as a speechless man, which should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H promos in the past.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H defeats Prince Paul Burchill with the Pedigree. For the first half of the main event, William Regal cheers on Prince Paul from the skybox. With the three count, William Regal marches to the ring and attacks Hunter's body with brass knuckles on both hands. Brass knuckles grow on brass knuckle trees. Initially, the audience waits for John Cena to save Hunter from the beating. At show's end, the audience realizes that Hunter will not receive any help. This ending should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H matches in the past.


Current Feud Ratings:
Triple H vs. William Regal: 89%
Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 87%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 61%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 87%


***


Smackdown


News:
- Randy Orton takes his ball and goes home to Ballville, Missouri


Randy Orton has had enough of not wrestling for Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. In fact, he never wants to not wrestle in SWE again. Actually, he was supposed to be Batista's mystery stalker. Randy Orton has ruined SWE. Curse you, Randy. You son of a Bob Orton Jr.


Television Results:


AUGUST 1, 2008

- Vickie Guerrero and the rest of La Familia congratulate MVP on his Pay-Per-View victory over Shawn Michaels. Due to his decisive win over HBK, Porter expresses concern for his safety. He doesn't think Shawn Michaels will react to the loss in a civil manner. The Smackdown GM assures MVP that he and his SWE United States Title should not fret. When you are a championship belt, you fret about everything. You wonder how you will pay for your belt buckle's college education. Employers don't look too fondly on single championship belts. They ask, "What don't you have a spouse? A belt buckle needs a positive female sash in its life."
MATCH 1:
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick with Moore's blockbuster on London in the second match of their Best-of-Seven Series. Moore and Yang go up 2-0, which bodes doubly well for the one man in this world named Shannon Wang Ramirez. Yes, you have a girl's name and a sexually suggestive middle name. On the other hand, you're associated with a winner.
- Maria interviews Batista about the odd messages he has been receiving as of late. With the Evolution t-shirt in his grasp, Batista chuckles. Outdated wrestling t-shirts are hilarious. They should take up stand-up comedy, or become rags for kitchen maintenance. Batista announces that Evolution is long over, yet thanks the mystery man for the souvenir. Randy Orton used his birthday money to buy you that shirt. Be more grateful.
- Outside the arena, Shawn Michaels arrives with his dead eyes. He reminds me of an unkempt, cross-eyed prospector. I want to call him Cornelious Hornblower. In a security shirt, Edge walks up to Shawn and refuses to grant him access to the arena. I wouldn't trust a man named Cornelius Hornblower either. When Shawn asks him whether or not MVP put him up to this stunt, Edge pretends not to listen. Just as Shawn raises his fist, MVP appears behind a wall of Smackdown security and smirks at him. A hesitant Shawn leaves the premises.
MATCH 2:
In their Smackdown debut, The Cobras (Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter) defeat Jesse and Festus with "The Cobra Crane" (Double Crane Kick) to Jesse. The Cobras make an unwise error as they turn their backs to their defeated opponents. Once the bell rings, an angered Festus rises to his feet and destroys both men.
- Backstage, Umaga holds his World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth and watches his Pay-Per-View title win over the Undertaker again and again. Crazy. Samoan Bulldozers dig their TiVo. If this event comes out on Blu-ray, Umaga is going to freak.
- The Cobras head down the infamous backstage hallway and ponder what went wrong in the aftermath of their debut match. From a distance, Funaki observes the team and shakes his head in disappointment. Boys have bad attitude. Karate for defense only.
- The grey curtain promo returns. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely convey feelings or sorrow for Finlay and Hornswoggle. They don't want to maim a father in front of his son, or vice versa, but they can't help themselves. With a sigh, Chavo and Bam vow to end the rivalry so they can all move on with their lives.
MATCH 3:
Finlay defeats Bam Neely with a shillelagh to the face. In an alarming move, Hornswoggle steals Chavo's elaborate poncho and wears it around the ring in celebration. Leprechauns in ponchos are so wrong, yet so right. Ireland? Good. Mexico? Good. Ponchos? Fantastic.
MATCH 4: Main Event
In an open challenge, Umaga defeats Matt Hardy with the Samoan Drop. At ringside, Batista is your the special guest commentator. I wish to know Batista's opinion of Rebecca DiPietro. How "of Pietro" was she? One and a third Rebeccas? The crowd attempts to psyche Umaga out with Undertaker and Deadman chants. He don't know no Anglish, fools. He hasn't hooked himself up with any phonics.
- Umaga wanders around ringside with his belt, then stands up on the announce table in triumph. When Batista locks eyes with him, the audience's Undertaker chants transform into chants for Batista. As the show goes off the air, Batista continues to stare down Umaga.



What? How did Stephanie McMahon sustain an injury? I told Triple H that sledgehammers do not provide women much pleasure. Oh, Hunter. The answer to one plus one is not sledgehammer.


AUGUST 8, 2008

- La Familia and Montel Vontavious Porter accompany Edge to the ring. In order to drown out the jeers, Edge apologizes to Shawn Michaels for his antics last week. He did not mean to take away a HBK appearance from the Smackdown audience, nor did he want to insult the legacy of "The Showstopper." Edge urges Shawn to come down to the ring and accept his sincere apology. As La Familia stares at the entranceway, Edge leans against the corner in waiting. Out from the crowd, Shawn Michaels leaps to the apron and catches Edge with a Superkick that sends the man face first to the mat. La Familia turn around to notice Shawn hop over the barricade. Before he makes his exit, Shawn gains Porter's attention and gestures that he will be the next Superkick victim. I expect many years of success for this young upstart.
- As a follow-up to last week's show, Maria interviews Batista about his thoughts on his meeting with Umaga. Batista is not a fan of Umaga's aggressive glare. He tells Maria that Umaga may be Smackdown's monster for now, but Batista will always be "The Animal." Hold your horses and your carriages. Batista is otherwise known as "The Animal"? Don't reveal all your secrets at once, David.
- Elsewhere, Jamie Noble cherishes his newfound friendship with The Great Khali. Vladimir Kozlov reluctantly walks next to them as Noble sits on Khali's shoulders. Noble exclaims that he feels "eleventy jillion feet tall." Whenever I see a happy Jamie Noble, I feel as though I am "eleventy jillion feet tall."
MATCH 1:
Jamie Noble defeats Gregory Helms with the power of friendship. Helms dominates Noble for most of the match. As Gregory is about to pin him, Noble grabs the referee by the collar. This distraction bides Khali time to enter the ring and put Helms in the Vice Grip. In response, Kozlov turns his back to the ring, embarrassed and ashamed. Noble pins a lifeless Helms without hooking the leg. Noble returns to Khali's shoulders as a victor, a scholar, and a gentleman.
- Backstage, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter spar with each other to mixed results. From afar, Funaki watches The Cobras and strokes his non-existent beard. You see, Ken Doane's lack of headband forces him to adjust his entire technique. Without that familiar weight on his head, his entire equilibrium is out of whack.
MATCH 2:
Chavo Guerrero defeats Finlay with a shillelagh shot of his own. At ringside, Bam Neely steals Hornswoggle's hat and clicks his heels with delight. Meanwhile, Chavo does a fancy Mexican jig around Finlay's body. You can't get any more Mexican than a jig around a fallen, middle-aged Irishman. I should know. I do my research.
- Grey Curtain Promo Corner features London and Kendrick. Even though they are down in their series against Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang, they are not sweating it. In my opinion, London and Kendrick are done. For one, they are not the only team with London and Kendrick-related capabilities. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will separate them and give them new gimmicks. One day, you will witness A Paul London and A Brian Kendrick make their breathtaking debuts.
MATCH 3:
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick with Yang's Moonsault Press on Brian Kendrick. With this decision, Moore and Yang have a commanding 3-0 lead over London and Kendrick. I was not aware of Ashley Massaro's significant impact on the duo of London and Kendrick. Perhaps SWE should retain her services. At the start of Daylight Savings Time, does Ashley move her backwards hat forwards?
- Big Show strolls down the backstage hallway, massaging his Chokeslamming hand. Where is he going? Does this arena have a hand spa? Put white gloves on Big Show's hands and you are one-tenth closer to a giant version of Mickey Mouse.
MATCH 4: Main Event
For another week, Batista joins the announce team. Among Undertaker chants aplenty, Umaga defeats Big Show in his second open challenge match. Both competitors use all their monster might to take each other off their feet. Umaga fails to topple Show with several kicks to the chest and chin. In turn, Show sends Umaga to the canvas with a series of flying shoulder blocks. The battle of strength versus strength comes to a close with the Samoan Spike to a kneeling Show.
- Like strangers in the night exchanging flirtatious glances, Umaga and Batista lock eyes. The Samoan Bulldozer slides out of the ring and yells at Batista in Samoan. Batista shouts back at Umaga in Batistan. I don't understand either language. Umaga pauses, then backtracks from ringside. He shall save his bulldozing for a later date.



AUGUST 15, 2008

- Next to an irate Edge, SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter whines in the ring about Shawn Michaels' use of the Superkick. "He can't be usin' that. No, no, no. He can't be usin' that." If MVP wishes to join Floyd Mayweather's posse, now is the time. Edge snatches the microphone from MVP and tells Shawn that if he uses the Superkick on him again, he'll have Vickie ban him from Friday Night Smackdown for life. The empty threat entices HBK to make his presence known. As Shawn enters the ring, Porter stands behind Edge. Shawn informs Edge if he has to go through him before he gets another chance MVP, so be it. On this night, he does not choose to fight either man. Shawn Michaels is a snake in the grass -- a born-again, Christian snake.
- Umaga, the World Heavyweight Champion, enters the building. He chooses to simultaneously walk and chew his championship belt. I heard the leather of a championship belt sort of tastes a hamburger to an individual without tastebuds.
MATCH 1:
Jesse and Festus defeat The Cobras in a one-sided battle. In the rematch, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter prove that they are not the same men you saw in their legendary vignettes. Towards the conclusion of the match, Funaki shuffles through the entranceway with a set of chopsticks. Sooner or later, Doane and Jeter must learn how to sit down without chairs in the company of a tortured Japanese guy.
- Edge and MVP head to Vickie Guerrero's office to request a match between Shawn Michaels and the R-Rated Superstar. Before MVP questions his role in the match, Vickie directs the cameraman away from the office and whispers sweet somethings in Porter's ear. Vickie is a weird woman. She must be the only wrestling general manager who refuses to divulge her secrets in front of millions.
- Backstage, The Cobras converse with Funaki. For the betterment of the group, Doane requests Funaki's guidance while Jeter fails to catch flies with the chopsticks. Funaki agrees to be their sensei, but first, they must install a satellite radio in his car. Doane and Jeter accept this educational task.
MATCH 2:
Jamie Noble defeats Matt Hardy with the power of friendship. For the finish, The Great Khali gains the referee's attention. From behind, Noble low blows Matt and rolls him up for the win. After the bell sounds, Noble leaps into Khali's arms and downs a bottle of Flintstones Chewables. Their friendship is ten million strong and growing.
- Maria interviews Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Chavo attempts to spin Finlay's shillelagh in his hand, but drops it on the ground. At the same time, Bam Neely wears Hornswoggle's hat, slightly to the side of his face. Together, they are willing to take Finlay and Hornswoggle out of their misery. What misery, Chavo? They have your poncho. Finally, they have the tools to dress like Martha Stewart.
MATCH 3:
Finlay and Hornswoggle defeat Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely in a No Disqualification Match. For the pin, Finlay stands on the top turnbuckle and launches Hornswoggle from his shoulders for a Tadpole Splash on Chavo Guerrero. According to popular television commercials, mothers and their daughters bond by talking to one another about feminine cramps and yeast infection. In professional wrestling, father and son bond by defeating the least interesting member of the Guerrero family and the least interesting member of the Guerrero family's bodyguard. With the win, Finlay and Hornswoggle take back their shillelagh and leprechaun hat.
- In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov prepares for his main event match. Jamie Noble meets Kozlov on the shoulders of The Great Khali. Noble asks Vladimir if he wants to go see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Vladimir wonders if Jamie knows that he has a match tonight. Jamie scoffs at Vladimir's match and says, "You have many chances to wrestle in the main event, but you only have one chance to see paints travel in Greece." After much thought, Vladimir tells them to see the film without him. Nuts to him. Traveling pants are no fun to watch without Vladimir Kozlov.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Batista defeats Vladimir Kozlov with the Batista Bomb. Of course he defeats Vladimir Kozlov with the Batista Bomb. What else is Batista going to use? The Spear? No way. That is Edge's signature move which was once Rhyno's signature move which was once Goldberg's signature move. If Batista uses The Spear, you know he's going to call it "The Batista Spear," right? He's not that clever. Without the support of Noble or Khali, Kozlov has nobody to turn to for support. In this situation, I compare him to a kid who performs a solo routine at a violin recital to two empty, front row seats. Neither parent is at the recital to say, "You see that kid up there who looks, talks, and acts like me? That's my kid."
- A Batista paces outside of the ring, Umaga storms into the shot and a brawl ensues -- a pier-seven brawl. To the sound of Undertaker chants, Umaga wins the brawl with a Samoan Spike to Batista's throat. Batista rolls around and clutches his neck in eye-bulging pain. From my living room chair with a newspaper in front of my face, I specifically told Batista not to show so much neck. Showing that much neck only leads to trouble with the boys, but what can do you? Daughters will be daughters.



Current Feud Ratings:
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 85%
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 65%


***


ECW


News:
Wrestling fans purchase wrestling merchandise with real money.


The kiddies love their merchandise. Top sellers include Ric Flair, who has never appeared on SWE television, and Colt Cabana, who has appeared twice on SWE television. Will I make more money if nobody appears on television? Next month, RAW is test pattern.


Television Results:


JULY 29, 2008

- ECW Champion Samoa Joe enters the ring and evaluates his successful title defense against AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy. He thinks that Jeff and AJ are extreme, but not as extreme as himself. I am not convinced. Where are his crack whores? When does he appear on The Nashville Network? Jeff Hardy interrupts Joe and challenges the champion to a second match. Next, AJ Styles interrupts Jeff Hardy to inform him that before Jeff gets his shot against Joe, he needs to settle unfinished business with the champion. To build up tension for the Pay-Per-View, Disco Inferno tells Jeff and AJ that they get along before he grant either man a title match. He forces Jeff and AJ to shake hands under the mirror ball.
MATCH 1:
The Boogeyman defeats John Morrison with a running powerslam. During this contest, The Miz decides to let Morrison fend for himself. He heads up the ramp, only to walk into a Chokeslam by Kane.
- In an interview with Pope Todd Grisham, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly urge Big Daddy V and Matt Striker to bring on the fight. Sydal and Kelly appear ready to battle, what with their sexy, sepia tone embrace in a field of wheat. They are more than ready.
MATCH 2:
Kofi Kingston defeats Nunzio in an international contest of Jamaica versus Italy with the Trouble in Paradise. For years, I have wondered which nation was better. Today, Cool Runnings betters The Godfather.
- In a hype video, a mystery man straggles into a crowded, Old West saloon and manhandles a group of cowboys looking for trouble. Braden Walker is to Clark Kent as Chris Harris is to Superman.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin with a combination of the Swanton Bomb and the Spiral Tap. At ringside, Samoa Joe bows down to both men for their impressive showing.


Big Daddy V and Matt Striker hate losing to women, especially V. No matter what the jealous ladies say, Big Daddy V is all natural. He is a perfect eleven out of ten.


AUGUST 5, 2008

- Matt Striker and Big Daddy V welcome viewers to the latest edition of ECW on Sci Fi. Tonight, Striker assures the fans that Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly will go down in history as the first American Made Models to fall victim to Big Daddy V. Does Striker speak truths? A few months ago, I thought Big Daddy V took out Sports Illustrated Covergirl Marissa Miller in an Extreme Rules Match. I recall Marissa's Miller Time (snap DDT) was unable to take him down.
MATCH 1:
Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly defeat Matt Striker and Big Daddy V with the surprise debut of Colt Cabana. As a means to protect Kelly from a brutal beating, Sydal spends the entire match as a crash test dummy. Moments before V unleashes the death blow, Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" distracts him. Colt dances to the ring with a cocktail shaker and hops onto the apron. Once V grabs him, Colt splashes the mixed drink in his face, which allows Sydal and Kelly to use all their model might to pin the big man. Colt assists the models to the backstage area as "Copacabana" continues to play.
- Backstage, John Morrison argues with The Miz about his lack of support. In response, The Miz talks about Morrison's lack of support. Sadly, they are not on the same page. They are not even on the same book.
MATCH 2:
Kane defeats The Miz with the Tombstone Piledriver. John Morrison strives to slide Miz off Kane's shoulder before the move, but does not succeed. Afterwards, The Miz refuses Morrison's assistance and stands up on his own.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin in a rematch via unwanted inference by Samoa Joe. This week, tension between Hardy and Styles escalates as they struggle to gel as a cohesive tandem. In one instance, AJ turns way from the ring while Jeff reaches out for the tag. In the end, Samoa Joe strolls to ringside, notices the tension between the team, and helps them out with a Muscle Buster on Burke and Benjamin.
- At ringside, the ECW Champion gloats about his altruistic deed. How do Styles and Hardy show their appreciation? They launch themselves out of the ring with dual suicide dives on Samoa Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine flops and fumbles around to close the show.



AUGUST 12, 2008

- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager, encounters Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles in his disco office. Jeff and AJ emphasize their recent willingness work together. While Disco is not happy about their ambush on Samoa Joe last week , he is a disco man of his disco word. Disco grants them both a shot at the ECW Championship. At SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles will challenge Samoa Joe for the belt in a three-way elimination match. This time, triple threat rules do no apply. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will never call this match a "three-way dance." Why? Three-way dances are for considerate couples who let their lonely friend join them in the fanciful dancing festivities. Three-way dances are for the old ECW. In the new ECW, considerate couples force their lonely friend to hold their jackets while they dance. This match is extremely extreme.
- Backstage, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly thank Colt Cabana for his help. Colt Cabana is glad to assist American heroes and heroines like Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly. Without their talent for modelling products in both colour and black and white situations, teenagers around America would not know what to buy, drink, eat, do, or wear. In my ECW, Colt Cabana is a hero, but a minor hero. He is the first Ewok killed in Return of the Jedi.
MATCH 1:
The extreme team of Tommy Dreamer and Stevie Richards defeat the team of James Curtis and Mike Knox. Curtis and Knox's utter obscurity continue to act as a roadblock in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's ECW. In my company, you can't get by on your blandness alone. You will need to not stand out from the rest of the pack some other way.
MATCH 2:
The Boogeyman defeats Elijah Burke via count out. Burke refuses to enter a ring with a man who has no front upper teeth and eats worms, yet will hang out with a dude named Shelton with golden hair. I don't get Elijah Burke. I'm sorry.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews John Morrison and The Miz on their upcoming main event matchup. Before the Pope can get to the nitty-gritty, The Miz denies the public rumours of a team breakup. The Miz does not want to move from the Palace of Wisdom. The Palace of Wisdom is affordable cloud housing at its finest. With the Palace of Wisdom, you will never want to move again.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Johh Morrison and The Miz defeat Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles by interference from one Samoan Joseph. As payback for last week’s ambush, the ECW Champion retaliates with Muscle Busters on both title challengers. As for Morrison and Miz, the win rekindles the once unsteady partnership between Tough Enough and The Real World. John Hennigan and Mike Mizanin powers activate. Form of inexpensive programming for the 18-34 age demographic.


Current Feud Ratings:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 88%


***


SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta Pay-Per-View Results


WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSIP MATCH
Umaga overpowers Batista with the Samoan Drop. The Samoan Bulldozer celebrates the win with championship strap in championship mouth. When the arena lights flicker on and off, a group of druids roll a large object down to the ring. Once the arena lights return, a casket appears at ringside. With much caution, Umaga walks toward the casket, which then bursts into flames. A startled Umaga tilts his head in confusion at the burning coffin.

SWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Seconds after the Number One Contender Match, William Regal puts the Regal Stretch on Triple H. Hunter squirms around for a while in search of the bottom rope until Regal brings him back to the center of the ring. Hunter loses consciousness before he gets the chance to tap out.

SWE CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDER MATCH
Triple H wins the hard fought match with a Pedigree on John Cena. Several key mistakes allow John Cena to put Hunter in the STFU, only for Triple H to barely make it to the ropes all three times. At the end of the bout, Hunter is an exhausted but lucky man.

SWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
Mr. Kennedy shocks the audience with a back and forth match versus CM Punk. For the finish, Kennedy shows his true colours by blatantly hitting the ref with his Intercontinental Championship belt for the automatic disqualification. Kennedy sprints up the ramp as CM Punk tends to the referee.

SWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP FATAL FOUR-WAY MATCH
Natalya submits Candice Michelle with the Sharpshooter to retain the title. Natalya and Beth spend the match breaking down Candice, then work together to subdue the threat of Mickie James on the outside.

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP TRIPLE THREAT ELIMINATION MATCH
AJ Styles ends his partnership with Jeff Hardy and nails him with the Styles Clash for the pinfall. While AJ celebrates, Samoa Joe blindsides him with the Kokina Clutch for the submission.

SHAWN MICHAELS VS. EDGE
With Montel Vontavious Porter as the special guest enforcer, the bout boils down to a two-on-one handicap match behind the referee's back. Porter shines up his boot for the Superkick, but nails Edge instead. Shawn Michaels survives with the victory.

CHRIS JERICHO VS. REY MYSTERIO
Jericho's anger gets the best of him, which provide Rey Mysterio numerous opportunities to outsmart his opponent. Mysterio fights out of a Walls of Jericho attempt, uses his hands to climb the ropes, and defeats Jericho with a sunset flip.


***

NEXT TIME

The epic conclusion of The Booker. The battle for the throne shall climax, two men shall fight for peace, and the drama of it all will make the company implode in on itself. Hold on, cliffhangers. You will not hang much longer.

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