Monday, December 14, 2009

Another Very Special Holiday Message from The Swerved

Take out your non-denominational holiday guitar and...



The Swerved comes to you in 4-D.


I'm not a pervert. I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll.

Year 2009

Once a year, World Wrestling Entertainment hands out Slammy Awards to the talented men and women who enrich our lives and beings with a sporty form of entertainment. At the same time, The Swerved hands out more prestigious awards to these same men and women. While the site does not have the resources to broadcast a three-hour award show on the USA Network, at least our awards do not feature a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk while he is in mid-air. In place of this visual, the Swerved Award consists of a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk while they are both on their feet. This is 2009, people. We're talking about safe style, or no style. We can't condone junk-grabbing at high altitudes. We won’t even picture a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk in Denver, Colorado. We won't be having that.

The Swerved statuette is made from a combination of tin, copper, and old Bobby Lashley merchandise. After each one is placed into the mould, they are left to cool on various award-winning window sills. Once they are solid, local exotic dancers sand and polish these exquisite pieces by sensually sliding up, down, and around them. When those dancers are paid for working it, professional wrestling analysts who are not me check the statuettes for flaws. Giving these statuettes a poor rating for minute imperfections, the previous steps are repeated nine more times. They are finally approved when those same professional wrestling analysts — who are not me — stop caring and down their sorrows with KFC Chicken Bowls and a late night viewing of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

Next, the statuettes are coated in silver, 24-karat gold, and Rob Van Dam's weird butt sweat. Once a solid metal base is added to the bottom of the statuette, they are ready for shipment. Approximately, each statuette is 30cm tall and weighs 200 pounds. If a statuette somehow goes missing during the shipping process, a really, really short, fat guy will act as the substitute award. In other words, whoever ships these statuettes must not lose them. I don't know anyone at that height and weight.

Without further delay, let's take it to the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California for the awards ceremony. I will serve as your host. Meanwhile, The Bella Twins are here, too. At this point, they are doing a fantastic job because they are not doing anything of note. At The Swerved Awards, everyone goes home a winner, except for the ones who do not receive an award. They are losers and must find a way to make their own award to feel better about themselves.

Superstar of the Year

Nominees: John Cena, Triple H, Chris Jericho, Vickie Guerrero, John Cena dressed as The Swedish Chef

Winner: Vickie Guerrero

In order to be The Swerved's Superstar of the Year, you need the following traits: tons of charisma, a magnetic personality, in-ring skill, tenacity, the passion to succeed, and lengthy love sessions with Eric Escobar. Since none of the other nominees possess every trait, I am proud to give this award to the only individual who meets these requirements: Vickie Guerrero. With last year's winner (Mike Adamle) out of the running, Vickie’s victory was nothing but an inevitability. Even her considerable absence from WWE television could not stop her from winning; she is that good. John Cena may have the love of young boys and girls, but has he ever had a lengthy love session Eric Escobar? I don't think so. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who has the pelvis for it. On the other hand, Vickie does.

Perhaps the Superstar of the Year Award is just the beginning for her. If WWE does not feature her in The Marine 3 or Behind Enemy Lines: Venezuela, they will have failed us.

Breakout Star of the Year

Nominees: Drew McIntyre, Evan Bourne, Sheamus, The Miz, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong

Winner: Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong

As of 2009, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong pinned The Armstrong Curse for the 1-2-3. Step aside, Charles Robinson and those other striped-shirt guys who don't have names. I bet you fellows don't have names because Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong just kicked some ass and took them. Although the other nominees are on the cusp of wrestling superstardom, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong has already basked in the WWE spotlight. His Halloween match against CM Punk was his lone wrestling appearance, yet he made it count. In fact, he always makes it count. Whenever he's not wrestling — which is an often occurrence at worst — counting is his job. He is Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong, and you've got 'till 5 until he rings your bell.

My olfactory system shut down a long time ago after a freak cinnamon fire, but I smell a future World Heavyweight Championship reign for a certain Smackdown referee. I smell either that or cinnamon on fire. Nevertheless, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong is breaking out like acne on a greasy teenager's face.

Tag Team of the Year

Nominees: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft (The Dudebusters), Chris Jericho & The Big Show, D-Generation X, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (Priceless/Legacy), The Hart Dynasty

Winner: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft (The Dudebusters)

When there's something strange in your neighbourhood. Who are you gonna call? Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. I ain't afraid of no Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. Actually, I am pretty happy for them because they just won the Tag Team of the Year Award. Chris Jericho and The Big Show may have been the most dominant tag team of the year, but Barreta and Croft's fists explode when they bump them.

Obviously, playing Guitar Hero before their matches has paid off for this dude-busting duo. You see, Guitar Hero and wrestling matches are not that different. In a wrestling match, you wage war with an opponent, using your body and immediate surroundings as weapons in hopes of coming out of the bout victorious. In Guitar Hero, red, blue, green, yellow, and orange things scroll down the screen really fast. Press the buttons on the plastic guitar, or you will not get a good score. Barreta and Croft know the deal. Ever since their debut, ECW symphonies have stopped being bittersweet. If anything, they have become semi-sweeter.

Diva of the Year

Nominees: Mickie James, Melina, Michelle McCool, Maryse, Vance Archer

Winner: Maryse

While a knee injury put Maryse on the shelf for a considerable part of 2009, that did not stop her from telling her knee injury to talk to the hand in a charismatic fashion. With her return to RAW, she has reverted to her old, charismatic ways of telling several people, places, things, and concepts to talk to the hand. As for me, she better not tell me to talk to the hand because I'm about to place some hardware in it. Congratulations, Maryse Ouellet.

In addition to your outward-facing hands, your ability to take off a Goobledy Gooker costume in a single segment has catapulted you to the top of the WWE Diva heap. I guffaw at your competition. Please guffaw with me. Mickie James is some sort of pig. Melina prefers to do the opposite of wrestling moves. Michelle McCool is not the Scottish version of cool at all. Last and always least, Vance Archer can cut his hair all he wants, but he will always be that tall guy with a lower back tattoo. In conclusion, Maryse wins by default, which is French for "of fault." Be proud of your accomplishments. From presenting Smackdown in a bathtub to flipping your hair and kind of fainting. You've come a long way.

Couple of the Year

Nominees: Dolph Ziggler & Maria, Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson, Zack Ryder & Rosa Mendes, Chris Masters & His Dancing Pectorals, Vickie Guerrero & Eric Escobar

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson

Kozlov and Jackson's love story is a whirlwind tale of lost and found. They were two young superstars in WWE. At a carnival, their eyes met and they instantly fell in zebra love. Unfortunately, Vladimir's wealthy Russian family disapproved of their zebra love. As a means to separate the two lovers for good, they left the country, taking Vladimir with them.

Hoping to contact Vladimir again, Ezekiel wrote him several letters, none of which were ever received. After several years passed, Vladimir met and fell in love with the wealthy William Regal. In a local newspaper one day, Vladimir saw a picture of Ezekiel, who recently restored a 200-year-old Russian tank. At that moment, Vladimir's feelings for Ezekiel came rushing back to him. As Vladimir stopped by Ezekiel's Russian tank to see how he was doing, they reconnected. Now, Vladimir is at a crossroads and must choose between William Regal and Ezekiel. I-E-I feel so light. This is all I wanna feel tonight. I-E-I feel so light. Tonight, Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson win Couple of the Year.

Match of the Year

Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker (WrestleMania XXV), Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Championship vs. Mask Match - The Bash), 25-Diva Battle Royal (WrestleMania XXV), Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina Marella (Hog Pen Match - Extreme Rules), Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (WWE Championship Ladder Match - Extreme Rules)

Winner: 25-Diva Battle Royal (WrestleMania XXV)

Predictably, your average critic will give this award to Michaels versus Undertaker. For the thousandth time, I am not your average critic. In my eyes, neither Shawn Michaels nor The Undertaker made that overrated match great. For me, Sim Snuka not catching The Undertaker brought that match from negative two stars to negative one star. Many of you will disagree with me, but that is my opinion. Since the internet hired me to give you my opinion, mine is the one that is right. Thus, I do not give this award to that WrestleMania XXV debacle, but hand it over to the true main event of that Pay-Per-View.

The 25-Diva Battle Royal had drama, suspense, and mystery. What is Kid Rock doing there? Why do these girls have to feel him up? Did they get paid extra? Wait, who was eliminated right there? Where's Molly Holly? That was Molly Holly just then? Wait, who's that girl? Was that Torrie Wilson, or a broom handle with a blonde wig? What about that girl? Santina? What? It's over? Excellent. Suck it like a crazy straw, other WrestleMania XXV match.

Most Shocking Moment of the Year

Nominees: Kofi Kingston boom drops Randy Orton through a table in Madison Square Garden, Christian returns to ECW, CM Punk's body suddenly gains the ability to grow hair, Shane McMahon runs out of energy while almost-punching Randy Orton, Tony Atlas laughs

Winner: Tony Atlas laughs

When Mark Henry's moved his World's Strongest Self to RAW, Tony Atlas' future in WWE seemed bleak. When Tony Atlas laughed for the first time on The Abraham Washington Show, the WWE Universe knew that everything was going to be okay. They knew that the year 2012 would not be the end of the world. Truly, the end of the world would occur on the day that Tony Atlas does not laugh in his own unique way.

Much like our Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela, Atlas shall protect us from danger and despair. I, for one of millions, thank him. When I go to Heaven in my heavenly Hummer, which runs on the tears of heartbroken children, Tony Atlas shall meet me at the gate. He will laugh. In turn, I will finally know the meaning of life. In my opinion, no Menorah can hold a candle to Tony Atlas' laugh. This December, my Jewish brethren and I will gather around Atlas for eight days and celebrate Hanukkah. Feel free to join us, less shocking moments of the year.

Pay-Per-View of the Year

Nominees: WrestleMania XXV, Bragging Rights, Summerslam, Extreme Rules, Royal Rumble

Winner: Bragging Rights

WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. This year, it was the showcase of mediocrity. At the Royal Rumble, every man is for himself. In 2009, every man sat at home and watched this boring Pay-Per-View by himself. When push comes to shove or pull, Bragging Rights takes the Pay-Per-View of the Year cake. Even though the Pay-Per-View cake is not that delicious nor edible, they get a cake.

As for WrestleMania XXV, Summerslam, Extreme Rules, and the Royal Rumble, they get nothing. Unlike you cynical wrestling fans, who are surely all supermodels with supermodel girlfriends, I loved the concept of Bragging Rights. This guy is on one show. Another guy is on this other show. These guys are on different shows. Therefore, they don't like each other. I don't see the problem with this logic. Actually, I would call this award-winning logic for Bragging Rights is getting one of them shiny statues. What are you getting? I can't wait for Bragging Rights 2010. Who will come out on top? Will it be RAW, Smackdown, or E... RAW or Smackdown? Quite possibly, we'll never know.

Finisher of the Year

Nominees: Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press, Lou Gallows' Gas Mask, Triple H's Pedigree, John Cena's STF, CM Punk's Go To Sleep

Winner: Luke Gallows' Gas Mask

This is Luke Gallows' first nomination and win. Since Luke Gallows cannot be here with us tonight, the memory of Pete Gas will accept this award on his behalf.

Luke would like to thank CM Punk's straight-edge guidance for this award. He would also like to thank recognizable arm tattoos for not giving away his previous wrestling persona. Most of all, Luke gives a shout out to every man in the wrestling business who resembles a bald Tim McGraw. This is for you, bald Tim McGraw look-alikes in wrestling. They said we would never do it, but we did. One day, we will find our bald Faith Hills. In 2010, we'll have to look harder. That's all. Slam Master J doesn't care about Tim McGraw.

Rivalry of the Year

Nominees: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy, John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Triple H vs. Randy Orton, D-Generation X vs. Legacy, Chavo vs. Hornswoggle

Winner: Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Home invasions; random people hanging out in various rooms; attempted sprinting with sledgehammers; flimsy windows; mouth-kissing Stephanie McMahon. Without question, the epic Triple H versus Randy Orton feud had it all in a hand basket. Compared to textbook feuds about jealousy, envy, competition, and sneaker-wearing leprechauns, the rivalry between Hunter and Orton was able to take it to another level.

After visiting the amusement park and taking a ride on a rollercoaster, I came home to RAW each Monday night and watched these two megastars take me on an emotional roller coaster. While both roller coasters made me laugh, cry, and lose my lunch, I tip my invisible hat to the latter for making me question everything I once knew. If a wrestling genie appeared before me and could only grant me one wish, I would wish to see this feud rekindled once more. I must know what happened to that lady who ran out of Randy's laundry room. Did she ever finish his laundry, or is that question left for the viewer to answer?

Monday, December 07, 2009

Playin' The Feud: Realistic Expectations

We surveyed 100 men who have trouble talking to women.



I take 2009 to average people's court.


I can live life fine with two ladies. Two heads are better than the one God gave me. And I'm messed up, been stressing lately.


Yesterday is history, like the History Channel. Tomorrow is a mystery, like Evolution. And today? Well, today is a gift. That is why on this day, I am legally obligated to hand out Christmas presents to the superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. Some of them deserve what they are about to receive, while others deserve more. If I could, I would do anything for the selfless men and women who rock my wrestling world on the fortnightly. I would even say positive things about them.

This December, I'm in a gift-giving mood. Apparently, this mood is appropriate for the current time of year. I see people give gifts a lot to other people, and I don't want to be left out. If WWE wants to give me tables, ladders, and chairs, I want to return the favour with hugs, fist bumps, and tenderness. Since the younger wrestling fans do not have the means to show their gratitude, I shall give back on their behalf. Let me use my money, rather than their parents' money. I'd like to give their parents a break for a change. Now, they can finally buy gas for their car.

As the bigger stars of the promotion get gifts aplenty from everyone they meet, the up-and-comers are often overlooked. Last year, Triple H got his own Scandinavian country for Christmas. Meanwhile, the less important individuals had to live in his country. Sometimes, life isn't fair, but when I'm involved, everybody gets what they want. Consider me to be the less sensual and more rugged version of Santa Claus.

On the first day of Christmas, wrestling's greatest professional wrestling analyst gave to you a reason to exist. On the second day of Christmas, wrestling's greatest professional wrestling analyst stopped giving you things. Just be content with what I gave you. Don't be greedy, son.

Mike Knox's Beard

For all the greatness you bring to Mike Knox, I shall grant your wish, Mike Knox's Beard. This month, I am building your mate from donated beard hair. Like you, your mate will be long, ratty, and luxurious. After I visit an arts and crafts store, I shall buy two googly eyes with girly eyelashes and place them on this new beard. On December 25th, I will introduce you to your new love.

At that moment, I see no need to attach yourself to Mike Knox any longer. By Christmas Day, you will find your true purpose in life. Gain your freedom, Mike Knox's Beard. Get on that love boat to New York City and achieve the American Dream. You will have your helpings of freedom, Mike Knox's beard. Sweet, sweet freedom. Marry that girl beard and raise a few whiskers to carry on your legacy.

Verne Troyer

When it comes to RAW Guest Hosts, forget about Jesse Ventura and Bob Barker. Simply put, you were ballin’, Verne Troyer. Because you sat on a chair for most of your hosting stint, I am already pumped up for the chair portion of the TLC Pay-Per-View. Man, oh, man. I hope to see a bunch of people sitting on chairs at the Pay-Per-View. I saw them sitting on chairs last Monday night, but this time, I must pay for it.

Back to your performance. You could have worked in some Austin Powers references for cheap laughs from the time machine of laughter, but you were better than that. You could have brought your scooter and urinated in the corner of the arena, but you chose to be classy. Good move, Verne Troyer. Good move. However the internet wrestling fans may see it, I thought you did an excellent job. For your hard work, I shall make work easier for you.

During that segment with The Big Show and Chris Jericho, I saw how you used that storage trunk to help you stand. You can't get those types of things past me for I have a colour television. Seeing your discomfort, I have chosen to send your gift via express mail. Before Christmas, you shall receive a second storage trunk to help you stand completely straight. No more leaning to one side like the pimp we all know you are. It's a hard-knock life for tiny people who do not have two storage trunks at the ready. You are welcome.

Mark Henry

The last time I saw you, I witnessed an epic moment. When The Miz claimed that you had no personality, I wondered how The World's Strongest Man would respond. Would you continue to store water in your hair and beard, or would you stand up and show the world what skills you had to offer? In the end, you gave me a dose of reality. I got up on my feet. You saw me. I checked this out. In order to shut Mike Mizanin up, you threw down some rhymes. You were rapping, alright. Mark Henry was not singing, but was doing a rap. You were really doing that rap as if you were a rapper. You were rapping. As I heard your rap, I purchased my Christmas present for you. This December, enjoy this box of rhythm. Every box of rhythm begins with Kay.

Weird Mask Guy on ECW

Dearest weird mask guy on ECW; congratulations on having the second best mask on WWE television today. With Rey Mysterio at a distant third, you are only behind that villain from The Marine 2, who sports a chocolate mask. You'll get that top spot soon enough, though.

From this distance, I am unable to taste your mask. Is your mask made out of chocolate, or some other edible cocoa treat? If you are unwilling to answer, I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Relating to the topic of you, Paul Burchill's exit and your entrance into ECW seems mighty coincidental. It’s as if you two are the same person. Then again, I don't think that's possible because you wear a mask and he doesn't. Let me conduct a little experiment here. For Christmas, you will receive the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy on Blu-ray. If you get excited, I’m pretty sure you’re Burchill.

The Bella Twins

Since coming to the WWE flagship, you two have successfully cemented yourselves as the official arm candy of RAW Guest Hosts for the next decade. Just when I think that one piece of arm candy is enough, I look on the other arm of a RAW Guest Host and feast my eyes on a sweet surprise. Once Vince McMahon learns that he can create his own set of sexy twins by buying a mirror and placing it in front of Michael Cole, your days are numbered. Until then, I thought I'd give you your present.

Linking your arm to another guy's arm must make you feel left out. After all, WWE never gives you arm candy... until now. For Christmas, enjoy my gift to you: triplets. The other day, I went into the cloning machine and made two copies of myself. Now, your arms will be decorated with the best man-candy of all. I was about to give you twin vampires, but I didn't have enough money. My apologies, Bella and Bella. I'm not made out of money. I'm made out of flesh, intestines, old car parts, and blood and stuff. Get your own vampires. We're living in a recession.

Luke Gallows

As I saw you debut on Friday Night Smackdown no more than two weeks ago, I felt an instant connection. Maybe it was the way you were wearing your skull cap, or the way you stared into the nothingness, but I felt it. Truly, I was beginning to think that we've met before. The moment I saw your face, a sense of intense familiarity washed over me. You may not know who I am, though I believe that I've known you all along. I have zero knowledge of your likes and dislikes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get a gift.

For one Luke Gallows, I shall cook a wondrous feast of biscuits and gravy. You will know when it is done when I ring this timekeeper's bell. Dry cakes and meat juices made me a male.

Zack Ryder

In my eyes, no gift can ever match the gift you found with Rosa Mendes: true love. No matter how many crates of tanning lotion I leave at your door, she has already made your Christmas wish come true. As a couple, I hope you two set up shop in a huge New Jersey mansion with your Guido love-children named Joey and D'Angelo Mendes-Ryder.

Without an adequate gift to buy for you, I want to give you something that I recently found. Within the next few weeks (two years in New Jersey Time), you will receive the missing leg of your wrestling tights. Enjoy the security of a complete set of tights. Security will keep your future family safe. Oh, radio. Play me every song you know by Bruce Springsteen. True, true, true.

Ezekiel Jackson

Why so blue, Ezekiel Jackson? You may have lost your asymmetrically-jacketed friend, but you have gained a roundtable featuring Vladimir Kozlov. In my opinion, this is a fantastic trade-off. Nevertheless, I hate to see a happy-go-lucky guy like you stuck in the doldrums of despair. Therefore, I'm going to bring you some quality helpings of holiday cheer. You'll be getting a Happy Meal for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Japanese Christmas.

This month at McDonald’s, girls get Barbies and boys get Hot Wheels. Since this is the season of giving, I got you covered for both, Zeke. This here is what call gift-giving. It's a combination of selflessness and tangible expressions of love and friendship.