Monday, October 26, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 78th

David Cassidy vs. The Miz

I'm returning
As I run my knees are aching
And you see my back can't hold up
With all these matches I'm wrestling
Between all of the hirings and firings
I pump my fist up in the air
In these dated tights I wear
Trying to save my own career
But he thinks he's awesome (He thinks he's awesome)

This Monday, I woke up many years older
Years ago I looked much younger
But I just chose to come back anyway
I'd get a payday anyway
And there would be no windows
No breakable barbershop windows
When I'd show myself again
But he thinks he's awesome (He thinks he's awesome)

He thinks he's awesome
So what if he gets to pin me?
I've got many more appearances in me
And I'm good friends with other old guys
He thinks he's awesome
So what if he gets to beat me?
Though I don't think the youthful crowd can say
That they know who the hell I am today

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Don't go, Shane McMahon. There's no soft cushions where you're falling.


A book hasn't caused this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.


Halloween is a special holiday in which children wear poorly-fitted clothes, wander around in the dark, and receive unopened packages from strangers. If December 25th is Christmas, October 31st is Christmas Version 2.0. As for me, society looks down on young men who dress up as a slutty Josh Mathews. This unfortunate truth means that I see no use in participating in this year's Halloween festivities. Even though I not will be out and about, I shall grace the internet with a spooky edition of The Swerved.

The wrestling world is a scary place. Everywhere you look, wrestling's greatest companies are lurking in the shadows, preparing to invade our living rooms with their ghoulish brand of entertainment. I shudder and shiver at the thought of wrestlers, staring at me with their dead eyes, talking into microphones with their dead mouths, and wrestling against their opponents in dead arenas. Get away. I don't want to hear about never giving up, no matter what. I don't want to see elementary-school-level acting. Just go.

I'm afraid of a lot of things: heights, snakes, overcrowded places, bears, flying, commitment, fruit carts in non-action films, one-piece bikinis, long pants, tofu, ghosts, sails on sailboats, the sun, the moon, half of the stars in the sky, moons made out of cheese, up escalators, old computers, Juicy Fruit, and Velcro that is left unused. Perhaps the only thing that I am not afraid of is telling you what frightens me. In World Wrestling Entertainment, many things do.

For the first time ever, I am going to use sarcasm in order to cope with my fears. I am a truthful person who lives a truthful life, occasionally borrowing candy from babies for research purposes. No matter what you think of me, please let me off easy this one time. In the future, I promise to never use sarcasm again. A promise is a promise, and mine cannot be broken. Isn't that right, Ken Kennedy: the man who has never told a lie? I thought so.

References to Katie Vick

For the benefit of the young children out there, I shall present the background behind the Katie Vick storyline. Kane, a violent monster with a disturbing childhood, was a teenage chick magnet. Apparently, teenage girls like large, sweaty, and disturbed pyromaniacs with masks. One of those girls was peppy cheerleader Katie Vick. To cap off a night of drunken teenage partying — a weekend staple for any Big Red Machine — he took Katie home in his car. Because he is Kane, I assume he owned a ruby red AMC Pacer. Unfortunately, a horrific car crash took the life of the lovely cheerleader, leaving Kane alone and guilt-ridden. By the way, I'm guessing that at some point in this time period, a teenage Undertaker tormented Kane in his sleep with reminders of the accident. At night, he probably crept up towards Kane’s top bunk and made car crash noises with his mouth. After Kane threatened to tell their father, Paul Bearer, about the traumatic teasing, the Undertaker threw Kane's ColecoVision out the window. This ungodly act began their lifelong feud.

The storyline was brought forth on a 2002 edition of RAW in a wonderful segment, which appalled nobody in particular. In a pre-taped skit, Triple H dressed up as the casual-wear version of Kane (red t-shirt, jeans, and a mask), climbed into a coffin with a Katie Vick mannequin inside, and went to town on her mannequin body. After the act, he took out a handful of hamburger meat and claimed to have screwed her brains out. I feel as though WWE is screwing up my brains just thinking about it.

Wasn't that storyline great, WWE? Today, I'm glad you're able to laugh about it, what with the fact that you took it seriously at first and thought it would set the wrestling world on fire. Oh, you guys and your ability to have so much fun. Remember how hardcore fans hated the angle and vowed never to watch wrestling again, taking money out of your pockets and eyes off your programming for several years to come? That was super stupendous. Jokes about the past are awesome.

Diva Costume Contests

The WWE Diva Halloween Costume Contest is a time-honoured, Cyber Sunday tradition that annually determines which WWE Diva tries the most to be more sexy than they actually are. Last year, Mickie James beat out the women of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW with her Lara Croft: Tomb Raider outfit. This particular costume was inspired by the notion that socially awkward nerds everywhere want to raid Mickie James' tomb. While I don't mind WWE Divas dressing up in these revealing outfits, I don’t want to watch them stand around any longer. Getting paid to stand around may very well be the greatest job in the world, but as an admirer of divas who don't stand around, the segment does not interest me. Don't get me wrong, though. They don't have to attempt to wrestle, or act, or do anything that is physically or mentally exhaustive, but can't they do something new? Can't they run in place or something like that? How about a WWE Diva Running in Place Contest? I bet Mickie James would win that contest as well. As far as her career is concerned, running in place is what she is doing right now. Dang.

Let's face it: WWE women's wrestling is pretty sad at the moment. The RAW Women's Division is made up of a girl that smiles a lot (Melina), a girl that sings poorly a lot on purpose (Jillian Hall), and Gail Kim (Gail Kim). At the same time, Smackdown consists of WWE Women's Champion Michelle McCool and girls who are not undertaking it with The Undertaker. Wearing nostalgic glasses to correct my nostalgic near-sightedness, I yearn for the days of the Trish Stratuses/Trish Stratusi and the Litas. Although they competed in a few Halloween costume contests themselves, they spent the rest of the time doing entertaining things. Whether it was making up convoluted moves in which the opponent does all of the work, or occasionally landing on their faces, the divas of yesteryear were dynamic. These days, they're just chilling.

Insulting New WWE Superstars

Currently, the WWE main event scene is as fresh as fresh can get. Don't even bother to stop and smell the roses for the WWE main event scene has a scent that I liken to a newborn babe. On the RAW brand, total unknowns like John Cena and Randy Orton are getting their names out there to a public that is not yet familiar with them. Meanwhile, Friday Night Smackdown has been rejuvenated with the young animal Batista and the Undertaker — a Deadman who is only getting less dead. Although ECW is a WWE brand, nobody should care about them anyway because ECW is filled with super old dudes.

Taking the talent roster of all three brands into account, I think WWE needs to knock certain individuals down a peg or twelve. If these certain individuals wish to make themselves into stars, maybe it's time to insult them. Perhaps WWE should insult them to a point where the audience sees them as eternal losers. This is where The Game plays his game like no other gamer can play games that are gamer-friendly.

Get going with your bad self, Triple H. Last week on Monday Night RAW, you showed those new guys who's their future boss. In case you weren’t aware, I'm talking about you. Those up-and-comers deserve your scorn. Look at what they're going to do to you in a few years. I fear for the safety of your main event spot for they could be main eventers themselves. For the sake of you and I, let's pray that they won't be. You're right; Eric Escobar doesn't have a name. That's why WWE took the creative time and effort to call him Eric Escobar and pair him with former Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero. He doesn't matter. Yes. You may be a 13-time WWE World Champion, but to me, you're a 13-time champion of cutesy yet harmful insults. Those insults are the best kind.

Nonsensical Brand Trades

When there's some nonsensical brand trade in the WWE neighbourhood, who am I going to call? Well, I'm going to call everyone to inform them of this exciting, monumental move that will send shockwaves throughout the industry. I ain't afraid of no nonsensical brand trade. Why, you say? Nonsensical brand trades make the WWE Universe do whatever a WWE Universe does. A WWE Universe manufactures Milky Way and Mars bars, right? In actuality, the more nonsensical a brand trade may be, the more sense it makes. Due to all those times she has dealt with wrestling talent on Access Hollywood, Nancy O'Dell understands the value of WWE Superstars. If anyone should make trades, it should be her. Now, compare her to someone like Mary Hart. If you ask me, Entertainment Tonight is Clueless Tonight. When you have Access to Hollywood, you have access to anything, including WWE talent. Whenever you want, hook RAW up with some stars that are of the super variety, Nance.

After receiving my associates degree from the University of Phoenix, I am now qualified to host WWE programs and make brand trades. As RAW General Manager for the next few minutes, I am going to hit up Theodore Long and Tiffany and talk about some serious business. I'll trade back The Bella Twins for a McDonald's Monopoly piece. Any takers? Nikki and Brie are valuable, but you have to give something to get something. I think I can win the contest this year. Scratch that. I know I can win this. I have 14 Park Places, but if I try a few hundred more times, I can get Boardwalk.

Guest Hosts Doing Wrestling Moves

While you're having a blast, chomping down on your precious Halloween candy, I will be cowering in fear before celebrities who wrestle. I am completely in favour of adding glitz and glamour to the dull Monday nights, but once these guest hosts start pulling off holds and submissions, we have a problem. Not only a problem, but a glitzy and glamorous problem. As a loyal and steadfast supporter of World Wrestling Entertainment, I think I deserve to get what I want. After all, I keep them afloat by criticizing every single one of their decisions. Hence, I know what's best for them. At this point, the very best that is for them is getting those celebrities out of the ring. I've had enough of Snoop Dogg clotheslining Santino with his noodle-like arms. Maybe he should pick up a weight once in a while, rather than a marijuana cigarette. That way, he wouldn't have to attack people with his noodle-like arms. In my opinion, he has enough noodle-like arms to make a spaghetti-like dinner, but I bet he would clothesline that, too.

RAW Guest Hosts like Shaquille O'Neal and Ben Roethlisberger are the exception. With their intimidating builds, I can buy into the possibility that they could get the better of a WWE Superstar. Then again, what is WWE doing with these celebrities anyway? The promotion doesn’t need them. As Vince famously said, the WWE Superstars are the true celebrities. He's right, you know. Those WWE Superstars are always in the gossip magazines, rubbing elbows and other body parts with A-listers. The other day, I saw a picture of Ashton Kutcher buying cereal at some Los Angeles grocery store. You know who else was there? Hornswoggle. That leprechaun was betraying his people, buying Good Luck Shapes — an imitation Lucky Charms cereal. Wait until Nancy Grace gets a hold of this news. A leprechaun caught buying Good Luck Shapes? He might as well move from RAW to the Four Horsemen. The sight is that shameful.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 77th

60-Minute Iron Men Match
Iron Man vs. Jeremy Irons

Jeremy Irons will make you sad
He's not the Lion King, but his character killed Simba's dad

As uncle Scar, with claws extended
That dust in the air spelled sex, which Disney never mentioned

Theatre actor
That's Jeremy Irons
Unlike Robert Downey, Jr.
That's Jeremy irons

The Question:
Who wins and how?



In the surprise move of the year, I attain the WWE Divas Championship by capturing it in a gigantic butterfly net.


Eat your salad before it gets cold.

Top Rope Theatrics: Part 2

When the internet was invented by yours truly in the early 1900s, I never expected the likes of Top Rope Theatre to rear its beautiful head. Like you, I was weary of the internet. At first, the idea of an information super highway sounded scary, dangerous, and more difficult to drive through than an information regular highway. I wasn't ready for the traffic. I wasn't ready to have my life threatened by a road-raged, fat man in a suit, wielding a thermos in one hand and a machete in the other. I couldn't understand how this world wide web could enrich my very being. Then, one day, Top Rope Theatre came along and changed everything.

Today, I continue to revisit the instant classic that is Top Rope Theatre. When your life is down in the dumpiest of dumps, Top Rope Theatre will be there to pull you up again. Before I watched this program, I never experienced happiness. Time after time, I would attempt to buy it in temporary doses, but I never got something that could last. As I exist before you this week, I thank Top Rope Theatre for making me happy. In my opinion, you must watch this show. I don't like to blow things out of proportion, but if you don't watch this show, a hellish sea monster from the deep will leap from the muddy waters and devour you and your loved ones. I wouldn't want that to happen. You shouldn't want that to happen, either.

The suspense is killing me slowly with its suspenseful song. If I don't find out what is to become of WWE legends Jim Duggan and Irwin R. Shyster, I will probably not find out. I can't deal with that kind of reality. I am strong on the outside, but on the outside, I have a creamy centre. The consistency is nougat-like, but it is not genuine nougat. I cannot explain it in words with much accuracy. You will have to taste it for yourself. By then, you should know what I'm talking about when I refer to the term "nougat-like." Regardless, I am prepared to be shocked and awed. Top Rope Theatre will hit me with a double-axe handle of drama. With this news, my creamy centre is getting creamier.

If I don't talk to you again, I leave my valuables to you for I shall be lost in Top Rope Theatre for the remainder of my days. While RAW, Smackdown, and ECW provide fans with sports in an entertaining fashion, I will be on the internet, sitting in my comfy, top rope seat.

Episode 10: IRS Finds Himself Interrogated By Cryme Tyme and Mickie James

On this episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, a shirtless John Cena promotes Gilette Fusion Power. Sorry, John Cena. If you can't impress the ladies with a shirt, you are no ladies man. I'm currently wearing ten shirts on top of one another. As Shad and JTG get in Irwin R. Shyster's face, IRS is wearing some sort of Amish interrogation suit. Well, it's not entirely Amish. A WWE seamstress used some electricity to make it.

Mickie James appears behind Shyster and demands to know the whereabouts of one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Shyster says he doesn't know where Hacksaw is. He claims that kidnapping is almost as bad as not paying your taxes. In conclusion, Irwin R. Shyster has never kidnapped someone before. You should try it. It feels pretty good. After Cryme Tyme puts a black bag over IRS' head, Shyster warns them that they better release him by April 15th. In turn, Mickie insists that he won't make it to April 15th. I'm guessing IRS and Duggan have been released by now. If not, there are two kidnapped skeletons out there, somewhere in the ether. One is carrying a 2x4, infested with termites. The other is wearing an Amish interrogation suit. Termites haven't touched the suit because it is not made of out wood. In addition, it is Amish.

Episode 11: The Hostage Swap Between Mickie James and Kelly Kelly Rears More Confusion

Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby to swap our hostages. Chris Jericho has the final word on personal style, which is why he uses the Gilette Fusion Power razor. If he keeps up with that attitude, I'm not going to use the Gilette Fusion Power razor at all. In place of the razor, I think I will use a butcher knife in the dark and see what happens. With her hostage in tow, Mickie asks an individual if he or she has Hacksaw. From another corner, Kelly Kelly brings out a man in a black cloak and says that they are being watched. Of course they are being watched. This is Top Rope Theatre — the number one episodic, internet, WWE soap opera in the history of episodic, internet, WWE soap operas. In fact, I'm watching them right now. For someone who is being watched, Kelly Kelly sure walks in a sultry manner. The only time I'd walk like that is if I was running from a killer in a horror movie and had to cross a fashion runway to escape. At that moment, I'd work it.

In anticipation for the exchange, Mickie unmasks IRS, who wore his glasses under that thing the whole time. What does he need to see in that bag? Nothing? When Kelly unmasks her hostage, former professional wrestler and current WWE backstage worker Tony Garea shows his face. Because everyone knows who Tony Garea is, this surprise was rather pleasant. Mickie accuses Kelly Kelly of the old double-cross, only for Kelly to deny that she had any knowledge of the double-crossing. How is she going to sexily walk out of this predicament? Next, Tony Garea stresses that he is "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, USA chants and all. I bought it at first, until I found out that I had eyes that could see. Suddenly, Goldust makes an appearance. He asks IRS to help him with his taxes. Shyster replies that Goldust not only needs help with his taxes, but requires assistance on other things as well. Yeah, like retrieving his receipts. He thought they were in a shoebox, but now Goldust doesn't remember. How could he be so careless with his receipts?

Episode 12: Kelly Kelly Has A Vision That Makes Her Question Who Her Father Is

Give me an hour alone with Kelly Kelly and she will know who her daddy is... for I will conduct a lengthy and thorough private investigation and reveal my findings within that hour. While Kelly is trying to sleep, think, or regain control of her digestive system (her facial expression is vague), the spirit of "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan questions why she won't help him. After stressing that he will never be free without her help, Duggan reveals a secret. Kelly insists that her father is a claims adjuster, which is slang for set piece designer of softcore erotica. In a startling revelation, "Hacksaw" says that he is Kelly Kelly's father. Therefore, Kelly Kelly's real name is "Hacksaw" Duggan Duggan. I think that's how it works. To be honest, I'm not sure.

Kelly Kelly replies that there is no way she came from Duggan's loins. I agree with Kelly. Jim Duggan is too attractive to be her father. From this non-existent list of WWE legends in my hand, I think Kelly Kelly's father is a 7. In other words, her father is George "The Animal" Steele. His body was a hairy wonderland. Waking up from her dream, Kelly is relieved, only to find a 2x4 on the floor. Sorry about that, Kelly. The other day, I left my 2x4 near your backstage sofa. When I'm bored, I often compare certain appendages of mine to pieces of wood. Mine are larger. Plus, you can build more structures with them.

Episode 13: Cryme Tyme & Mickie James Assemble Several Superstars To Find "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

Tonight at 11, Cody Rhodes shaves his back. He hasn't learned anything from George "The Animal" Steele. Does he want to be popular with the ladies, or does he want to be Cody Rhodes? In a survey polling 100 people, 68 ladies said that a hairless Cody Rhodes is a 3. Meanwhile, 32 men were disgusted with the survey, but rated him a 4 somehow. Back in the never-ending hallway, Shad and JTG want nothing to do with a group of bounty hunters. This group includes Tommy "Where Dreams May Bounty Hunt" Dreamer, Dolph "Bounty Hunter Boba Dolph" Ziggler, Charlie "World's Greatest Bounty Hunter" Haas, Jamie "By Bounty-Hunting God" Noble, and Michael "Vintage Bounty Hunt" Cole. I don't know what Cryme Tyme is talking about here. I couldn't ask for a better team of bounty hunters. Their disgust must stem from that survey I conducted. Shad rated hairless Cody as a 5 before crossing it out and writing, "I am super straight. You got that, survey? I like girls." Sure you do, Shad. Sure you do.

Mickie James paces before the group and puts up a "substantial reward" for the bounty hunter who finds Duggan. Where I come from, a substantial reward means one of two things: sexual favours or party favours. Michael Cole looks like someone who has an insufficient number of neon-coloured kazoos. I'm rooting for him. In order to receive the reward, Mickie emphasizes that the bounty hunter must find Duggan alive. Cole ends the episode by saying, "Oh my!" You better get those party favours, Cole. Stop wearing newspaper.

Episode 14: A Noble-Cole Double-Cross Is In The Making

When Jamie Noble and Michael Cole come together, their bodies interlock to form one gigantic robot I like to call "The Coblebot 3000." This robot wins lotteries and suffers backstage molestations in the intimate company of Heidenreich. The Coblebot 3000 shows promise, but needs more work. This is the hallway that never ends. And this is Michael Cole practicing his Cole-isms in said never-ending hallway. I like that Cole does not take himself too seriously. He pokes fun of his toolish announcing style and calls his fans "The Cole Miners." Then again, I don't take him seriously in the first place. By the way, "The Cole Miners" is no match for "The Cole-lition." You're living in the present, Michael Cole. Do you know why? I just gave you a gift.

In the middle of his "Cole Roll," Jamie Noble pitches a plan to him: Noble will pretend to rescue "Hacksaw" and Cole will collect the reward; as one, they will double-cross Cryme Tyme. Shad and JTG deserve it — especially Shad and his Ed Hardy t-shirt. In response, Michael Cole freaks out at him. He's freakin' Michael Cole. He's got non-astronaut Tang back at the hotel. He has an impressive Cole Pole. Despite Cole's hesitance to join Noble in his cause, Jamie tells him that the hard part is over. Behind a set of never-ending hallway doors stands a confused and hungry "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, wondering what has happened to him. With the milk already poured, Cole and Noble are ready to add the Ovaltine. Oh my indeed, Cole. Today, it's non-astronaut tang. Tomorrow, it's non-astronaut Ovaltine. If you don’t want to be an astronaut, just say so. You can only avoid confrontation for so long.

Episode 15: A Mystery Mastermind Takes Out Superstars, Divas, and Bounties Alike

That's nice of the mystery mastermind to take superstars, divas, and bounties alike out to dinner. Times are tough, but generosity is not for the mastery mastermind. Why yes. They are all ready to order. They will have the caviar-stuffed lobster in money sauce. Thanks again. Ready to turn in their hacksawing meal ticket to Mickie James, Jamie Noble asks Michael Cole if they are clear on the plan. At this point, Jamie Noble is wearing a leather jacket and other regular clothes. The mystery mastermind must have bought them for him. Your two for two, mystery mastermind. Michael Cole asks Noble if he looks like Todd Grisham, then recites the plan to him. How dare you compare yourself to the Pope Todd Grisham, even in jest. He's a papal treasure. You know what? Forget it. I don't want you to have those party favours. You don't deserve them anymore. Newspaper hats for life.

When Duggan wonders what Cole and Noble mean by pretending to hand him over to Mickie, Michael proposes to strike Duggan with a vintage slap across the face. Your two for two for making me angry, Michael Cole. You're pushing it. You're pushing it real good. Cole calls over Mickie James and Cryme Tyme to tell them the good news, though finds them laid out on the floor instead. Returning to tell his co-conspirator the bad news, he finds Noble and Duggan on the floor as well. To end the episode, he meets the off-camera, mystery mastermind. After offering him (or her) booze and almost-clean women, the mastermind knocks Cole out with a towel full of ether, made possible by my newfound, concentrated hatred for him. The fire still burns, Michael Cole.

Episode 16: The Mystery Man Behind The Mayhem Is Finally Revealed

The mystery man must use Gilette Fusion Power. How do you explain such a smooth and close shave? Sane people can’t shave that well. Announcer Howard Finkel explains that the mastermind behind this devious plot has orchestrated brilliant acts of larceny, blackmail, loitering, identity fraud, backstabbing, voyeurism, and even kidnapping. I don't know about you, but to me, this plot has Gilette Fusion Power written and shaved all over it. With their hands tied above their heads, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James squirm in place. This mastermind is a kinky genius. Also, he is WWE Hall of Famer Howard Luscious Finkel.

Mickie James tells Howard that he will never get away with this. Kelly Kelly states that someone will save them. Before the episode ends, Howard urges the audience to tune in next time for the epic conclusion of Top Rope Theatre. Howard Finkel is powered by Gilette Fusion Power. His head was always so shiny, but I never knew why. Now, I know. I should've told an adult or someone I trust. It’s too late. It’s over. I will have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.

Okay. I'm over it. Let's eat string cheese.

Episode 17: A Shocking Twist Concludes The Villainous Plot Of Howard Finkel

Channelling The Joker, Howard Finkel explains his plot in front of the Top Rope Theatre players. At the same time, he stares down at a cup of coffee. Obviously, he is reading from a script, carefully drawn with cream atop the coffee in the cup. He envisioned the WWE Universe to be nothing but piece and harmony, which is weird because I envisioned the WWE Universe to be a bunch of planets and stars. He stresses that each and everyone one of them is selfish, self-centered, and a "me" attitude. How can you be a "me" attitude? That doesn't make sense in Top Rope Theatre: the soap opera that makes perfect sense. Taking a drink from his cup, Howard coughs and collapses onto the floor. He shouldn't have drank the script.

Staring at him in silence, the group turns their attention to Michael Cole. He asks why they are looking at him. I'll tell you why they're looking at you, Michael. You insulted the Pope Todd Grisham. Now you are going to pay with your soul. According to The Undertaker, souls are equal in value to championship belts. I want yours so I can put it on my mantle. In his hand, Cole uncovers a small container of poison. One last time, he says, "Oh my!" and runs away. What an asscole.

In four weeks, the second season of Top Rope Theatre will begin. It is now October Something. Four weeks in Sports Entertainmentese must mean never.

The Verdict:
Top Rope Theatre fell from the top rope and landed awkwardly below, touching my heart. Once Pope Todd Grisham receives an apology from Michael Cole, he shall bless the next season of this wonderful internet show.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Things in a Cell: Ice, Ice, Infant

Hail in a Cell



Nancy O'Dell and Maria Menounos bring out their secret weapon: Billy Bush, also known as Bushtista.


She's really curious as to what was going on in that hatch.

Top Rope Theatrics: Part 1

Days of our Lives. The Young and the Restless. Passions. Top Rope Theatre. One of these things is not like the other. One of these things does not belong. Unlike the first three soap operas, I consider World Wrestling Entertainment's Top Rope Theatre to be the best drama in the history of professional wrestling dramas. Take that, other professional wrestling dramas that I cannot name at the moment. If you want intrigue, Top Rope Theatre has some for you. If you want thrills, you better get them on the top rope right now. And finally, if you want Derek — the WWE employee in charge of merchandise — you got yourself a loving spoonful of Derek. Who are you kidding? You can't get enough of Derek. Give in to temptation.

Even though Top Rope Theatre is not a new feature of WWE's official website, I can’t help myself. I must look back at the show that swept the online wrestling nation. Advertisers believe that wrestling fans are the lowest of the low brow, but how can they think such a thing when Top Rope Theatre is wallowing in its own excellence, right before their faces? On, seventeen glorious episodes of Top Rope Theatre are available for viewing, ready to take you on a dramatic journey that you will not soon forget. Before I watched this show, I was wearing ten pairs of socks and pants. Without warning, Top Rope Theatre blew those socks and pants clean off my body.

As a professional wrestling analyst, people assume that I am a surly and pessimistic person. Since I aim to criticize, they think I can't enjoy the little things that make wrestling an entertaining entertainment sport. Today, I say to you that I am no such professional wrestling analyst. The job may make me six figures, but deep down, I am a fan like each and every one of you. I like what I like and I likes Top Rope Theatre.

In the future, I urge WWE to make more internet programs such as this one. Forget about your "Word Up." Leave "The Dirt Sheet" in its own filth. I am an individual who prefers theatrical entertainment at high elevations. Take me higher, World Wrestling Entertainment. Let me face the problem of low oxygen levels at such an altitude. I can handle it.

Episode 1: Cryme Tyme Cheers Up "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

In the backstage hallway that never ends, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan holds his 2x4 and sulks. I don't get Duggan. Whenever I'm walking down a never-ending backstage hallway with a 2x4 in my hands, I'm pretty happy at the prospect of encountering a tree house that is missing part of its wall. He comes across a concerned JTG, who is more concerned than usual because he still can't see through the writing on his sunglasses. Meanwhile, Shad Gaspard is concerned to a normal degree. After being snubbed from a spot in a WWE Intercontinental Title Tournament, Duggan tells Cryme Tyme that he will never win a championship. In response, JTG insists that he has an idea for Duggan that will be better than winning a title. If this idea involves Hacksaw cleaning the writing off his sunglasses, I think Duggan should decline.

Next week, Shad guarantees that Cryme Tyme is going to hook Duggan up with something. Maybe they can hook Duggan's 2x4 up with a nail. They share an awkward gangster handshake, which involves snapping your fingers as if you're from West Side Story. I don't have to pretend for I am from West Side Story. I will win the 2005 Royal Rumble tonight. That's right.

Episode 2: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan Turns A Hefty Profit For His WWE Shop Commercial

On this episode of Top Rope Theatre, we have buffering. A whole lot of buffering, which is the term that Michael Buffer uses when he is pleasuring the ladies. A snapshot recap of the previous, one-minute episode appears to remind everyone that they have bad, short-term memories. In the locker room, Duggan walks in with a stack of dollar-dollar bills. Apparently, the WWE Shop commercial that was a parody of the Geico commercial made him some sweet scratch, but I am not convinced. Maybe those bills represented the money he saved by switching to Geico. Cryme Tyme look in awe at the money, with JTG lowering his sunglasses to see the dough. If those sunglasses are going to impair his vision that much, perhaps JTG shouldn't wear them anymore.

Next week, Cryme Tyme insist that the real money will come in next week. I knew Duggan's money was fake. Those bills looked too motionless to me. I bet they felt like over-inflated European handballs. Cryme Tyme ends the video by teaching Duggan how to do the gangster handshake while agreeing with them when they say, "Money, money." I won't agree with them until I get my hands on some natural money in this piece.

Episode 3: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan Cashes In To The Delight Of Cryme Tyme

This episode of Top Rope Theatre is brought to you by the video recap. Recapture the moment. Recapture life. After Cryme Tyme mumbles a few ways to punch adversaries in the grill, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan shows up with more money than before. JTG is impressed because he finally sees clearly now. His sunglasses are gone. Cryme Tyme congratulates Duggan for a job decently done, though "Hacksaw" wonders if what they're doing is legal. I'm sure it is legal for two African-Americans and one, middle-aged, Caucasian male to talk in an empty locker room. This is 2009, not 1009.

Cryme insists that what they're doing is, in fact, legal. Next week, Cryme Tyme informs Duggan they will use the money he has made to make more money. As they say, money doesn't grow on trees. They grow on other money. Top Rope Theatre is getting intense. I don't think I can take the suspense much longer. Soon enough, I may have to switch to Middle Rope Theatre, which is a much less dangerous form of theatre.

Episode 4: Mickie James Wants In On Cryme Tyme & "Hacksaw's" Scheme

Before this episode begins, I would like to tell everyone that I am back on the top rope. I attribute my newfound confidence to several heavy doses of Human Confidence Hormone (HCH). On this top rope, I will perform a Shooting Star Press through flaming hoops into a pile of piranhas, or I will simply watch this next episode. I believe I will do the latter. In the never-ending hallway, JTG asks Shad to speak to Duggan on a walkie-talkie. Duggan is old school, but he's probably too old school. I get that he isn't a part of the cell phone generation. With that said, he should own a pager. Without an answer, JTG takes the walkie-talkie and announces that Phase 3 of their plot is starting. Duggan doesn't know about Phase 3. If anything, Phase 3 is too current for him. He communicates with a walkie-talkie, fellows.

A mysterious female voice, referring to herself as "Jackrabbit Slim," responds to Cryme Tyme's message. Jackrabbit Slim is a horrible codename. What happens if Jackrabbit Slim gains a few pounds? It would be over. Speaking of gaining a few pounds, Mickie James — the current WWE Divas Champion — appears to greet Shad and JTG. By the way, my apologies. Bad jokes don't belong on the internet. They are the internet. Mickie asks Cryme Tyme to cut the charade for she is Jackrabbit Slim. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. That wasn't a bad joke after all. It was only in bad taste. Score one for me. Minimal weight gain. This HCH is really working. In the end, Mickie wants in to something. I assume she means the plot. Fair enough.

Episode 5: A WWE Legend Catches "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Mickie James Pilfering WWE Merchandise

Looks like Duggan, James, and Cryme Tyme are doing the good old Earl Hebner Special. Oh, Human Confidence Hormone makes me feel so good. At the same time, why does everybody else feel so bad? Do they need any Human Confidence Hormone? I can lend some to them. Just say when and I will call for the bell and sprint the hell out of Montreal. Backstage, Mickie James flirts with Derek (a WWE employee from the merchandise department) to get a hold of those sweet, sweet, discounted Mordecai tea cozies. In 2006, I would have fallen for it, but not now. No skirt, no service. Derek proves he is weak by falling for Mickie's charms.

Aiding as a convenient distraction, Mickie allows Duggan to sneak up behind Derek and snag some t-shirts. As Duggan slinks away, he meets Irwin R. Shyster, who shakes his head in disgust. Why don't you stop judging "Hacksaw" and start doing somebody's taxes, IRS? Duggan doesn't need your scorn. At the very least, he needs a pager.

Episode 6: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Mickie James Encounter Arena Cop, Richard Johnson

For your information, arena cops are similar to mall cops, except they have less authority and Segways. Also, "Big Dick" Richard Johnson cannot be a cop for he already has a job as a big, oily, and fat male stripper who doubles as an official member of the RAW roster. I think he took Duggan's spot in that WWE Intercontinental Title Tournament. This episode begins with Mickie and Hacksaw opening up a silver briefcase in the never-ending hallway. The briefcase lights up because I think there are lights inside of it. As Mickie proclaims this day to be the greatest ever, Richard Johnson enters the never-ending hallway to clip on his tie. Clip-on ties are lame. In my opinion, paint-on ties are fashionable. Officer Johnson tells Mickie and Duggan that he is watching them, along with Cryme Tyme. In this economy, he sure watches a lot of people when he could be stripping.

When Mickie recognizes Johnson as the stripper, he flips out at them. Look, Richard Johnson. Don't take that tone with Mickie James and Jim Duggan. Your moustache does not give you the right to yell at people. Only your g-string has the right, but you’re wearing regular underwear at the moment, aren’t you? While Johnson tries to arrest the two and take their case, James and Hacksaw make a run for it. Strip your way out of this predicament, Giant Ricardo.

Episode 7: A Mysterious Package Puts Cryme Tyme & Mickie James' Caper Into Question

You know, The Riddler has a mysterious package. When he wanders around Gotham in his question-mark Underoos, leaving clues for Batman, he calls the man region his mysterious package. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope they're not looking for that package. Rey Mysterio has something called a mysterious package, too. Although, I don't think his package is a mystery to anyone for it is the biggest little package. Previously on Top Rope Theatre, lights were found in a briefcase. This time on Top Rope Theatre, Mickie James and Cryme Tyme have an argument about returning phone calls to each other in the never-ending hallway. Since never-ending hallways usually have poor reception, they should forgive and forget. Two bars is always unacceptable. While they try to figure out the whereabouts of one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Kelly Kelly interrupts the argument carrying a mysterious package, addressed to Cryme Tyme. If this package comes from Jeremy Piven, our family band is over. I'm taking Kelly off tambourine. Don't test me.

Inside the package lies a broken 2x4, an American flag, and a note: "I know what you're up to. I know your plan. Surrender your profits to me, or your friend will face the consequences." What a relief. Jeremy Piven doesn’t talk that way, which means that Dr. Ken is the sender. On second thought, that realization is not much of a relief.

Episode 8: Irwin R. Shyster Makes Kelly Kelly Help Him Bring Down Cryme Tyme & "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

Stop getting into other people's business, IRS. Don't bring Kelly Kelly into this auditing scheme either. Despite her flaws and poor decisions in life, she is a good girl. She knows her way around a tambourine. In Schyster's office, which is made up of a chair, a desk, and two pictures on the wall, Kelly Kelly wonders what he plans to do with "Hacksaw." At this moment, she shows concern by wearing a pink, torn t-shirt with her bra exposed. In my view, that is the appropriate means to show concern. Kelly tells IRS that she does not want her friends to get hurt, but Irwin is having none of it. They are not paying taxes with the money they are making. Plus, they got that briefcase with lights in it.

With Shyster doing her taxes, Kelly has reluctantly chosen to help him in his scheme. Wait. Kelly Kelly has taxes? That's not possible. I thought the government excused attractive people from doing taxes. The Canadian government has excused me for years. I don't even pay tax when I buy things. Rather than charging tax on my purchases, stores give me freshly-baked cookies instead. If Kelly Kelly could play tambourine as well as she could act, she wouldn't be very good.

Episode 9: Irwin R. Shyster And "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan Are Both Taken Hostage In "Top Rope Theatre"

You deserve it, Irwin R. Shyster. Hostage-taking is what you get for bringing Kelly Kelly into your plan. In the never-ending hallway, Kelly Kelly asks Mickie if it is safe to talk there. In my experiences with never-ending hallways, they are safe for quiet discussions, but I wouldn't throw a penny down one. You're never going to get it back. Kelly informs Mickie that Duggan will be harmed if they don't do something quick. Before Kelly reveals who has Duggan hostage, Cryme Tyme walks in with a box of IRS' things. Hostage exchange next week, homeboy. Yeah, yeah-uh.

Cryme Tyme loves hostage exchanges. One hostage goes there, and the other goes over there. So awesome. Taxes, taxes. No, no. If someone ever tried to make me pay taxes, I'd throw those taxes down the never-ending hallway.


Monday, October 05, 2009

Things in a Cell: Condiments in Hellish Condominiums

Hellman's in a Cell



In order to clean up the mess that Michael Cole made at the Smackdown Tenth Anniversary Party, the Pope Todd Grisham vomits sawdust on Chris Jericho.


I'm the memory you can't get out of your head. If I leave you now, you'll wish you were somewhere else instead

The Ceiling

The gift of song has told us that the children are our future. As for World Wrestling Entertainment, the rising talent of today are the superstars of tomorrow. World Championship Wrestling failed as a promotion for its inability to elevate young stars to the next level. On second thought, WCW realized their error, but their realization came about three years too late. Without competition, Vince McMahon and WWE can do what they want with their talent roster, but they must be careful. Soon enough, they too may suffer the same fate of their former counterpart. Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker can only wrestle in a convincing fashion for so long until their matches appear as though twenty year olds are trying to beat up their great-grandfathers from Florida.

Arguably, the current roster is the greatest mix of talent and personalities in the history of the company. In the main event scene, you have a steady group of heavyweight stars. In the mid- and low-card, you have your share of fast and technically-sound lightweights. On the other hand, what is talent if you don't use it right? In my eyes, World Wrestling Entertainment is guilty of two things. First of all, they are guilty of loving too much. Secondly, they are guilty of overexposing their main event, creating top-heavy shows that fail to promote new wrestlers in a meaningful way. You would think that WCW's demise has given WWE reason to deviate from their formula. Yet, here we are in 2009, watching the same main event matches over and over again. If I could only see Randy Orton versus Triple H one last time, I would finally be happy.

Vince McMahon and WWE will always make money. They were millionaires before, and they will continue to be millionaires until they are unable to make any more John Cena merchandise. Although, with the way they handle their younger wrestlers, they don't seem like they want to make as much money as possible. Moderation is a good thing, but Vince has never been one for moderation. Over the years, I have presented methods for WWE to make many a fortune, but they chose to ignore me. So, go ahead and put on your earmuffs, WWE. If you're not listening, I don't feel like talking to you. I'm too busy rolling in all this money you don't want.

The glass ceiling of WWE cannot be seen by the naked eye, but my fully-clothed eye can see it clearly. Future superstars, get your Tylenol. You're about to bump your heads against that ceiling for several years. That is some strong glass.

Yoshi Tatsu

Without much effort, Yoshi Tatsu has become a star in ECW. Maybe it's the way he bows and says, "Thank you." Maybe it's his superior karaoke skills. Maybe — just maybe — it's his crazy hair. I bet he told his hairdresser to make him look like a flamboyant magician. Tatsu's hairdresser obliged until he became the victim of a freak hair-drying accident. As a reminder of his fallen friend, Tatsu has kept that bit of blonde in his hair. I, for one, salute you, Yoshi.

I can count the number of successful Asian wrestlers in WWE on one hand, three of which are Tajiri. My apologies. I don’t count well in low-pressure situations. In my opinion, Yoshi Tatsu has a long road ahead of him — a road full of Asian jokes involving chopsticks, sushi, and karate. While he may get over that hump that Asian wrestlers before him could not, that is a mighty big hump. Funaki is trying to karate chop that hump as we speak. If Funaki can't become a world champion, Yoshi can forget about it. He should give up now. He might as well put a saddle on his back and start transporting Mario around the Mushroom Kingdom.

Yoshi Tatsu's Ceiling: Intercontinental Championship / United States Championship

Evan Bourne

When he was the most exciting part of ECW, Evan Bourne was a true superstar. Not only could he show off his high-flying moves in lengthy matches, he didn't have to compete for screen time with the likes of Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Chris Jericho, The Big Show, and Jerry Lawler's glittery t-shirts. As of this writing, Evan Bourne is a floundering fish at the bottom of the RAW sea, struggling to get one minute of exposure against The Bella Twins, who get to appear on Monday nights for no reason. If I had a twin, we would run roughshod over WWE so fast. We would be twice as sexy, smart, and powerful as Nikki and Brie. Scantily clad, we would carry large barbells over our heads, wearing old-fashioned moustaches and singlets. At the same time, we would teach nuclear science to inner-city schoolchildren.

You might think that Broune palling it up with Hornswoggle is good for his career, but I beg to differ. Take one retrospective look into Hornswoggle's life in WWE and you shall see the truth. With Hornswoggle, Finlay, the Belfast Bruiser, turned into a guy who loved to do fanciful jigs and carry inflatable shillelaghs. In opposition to the leprechaun, Chavo Guerrero, the Mexican Warrior, became a punching bag in cow's clothing. If Bourne continues to associate himself with Hornswoggle, he will never get to that next level, that upper echelon of RAW. He will never get to steal the WWE United States Championship, which has been passed around like a town prostitute riding a bicycle as of late. I'm sure that is how the saying goes. That town prostitute gets around alright. She transports herself from one place to another via bicycle. She doesn't make enough money to buy her own car.

Evan Bourne's Ceiling: Intercontinental Championship / United States Championship


Together, Carlito and Primo Colon were an efficient and entertaining tag team. Before they came along, I never thought talented portions of the large intestine could become the first ever WWE Unified Tag Team Champions. In the end, they proved me wronger than wrong. Despite their success, tag teams don't last forever in WWE, especially if they consist of brothers. Now that they are apart, Carlito and Primo simply exist as members of the RAW roster. They are just there. Carlito is with Rosa Mendes sometimes, apparently teaching her how to not wrestle. As for Primo, he is pumping his fists and doing cartwheels in the back as everyone stands before him, wondering if has come from the year 1985. For the sake of the goodness in all of us, they could have been the next Hardy Boyz, except more Puerto Rican. If WWE still wants Rosa Mendes to be with Carlito, she could have been their Lita. She can land on her head, almost breaking her neck, too. She does it all the time. She does it in her sleep.

Without his brother, I don't see a bright future for Primo. Go ahead, young man. Come out to an entrance theme that sounds like Rico Suave invaded Gloria Estefan's recording session at gunpoint. I don't think it matters when you, your children, and your grandchildren will be facing Jack Swagger on WWE Superstars until the end of time. By the way, the end of time is the year 2012. At that time, go down with the rest of them, or join John Cusack in a charter plane. Whether he is RAW, Smackdown, or ECW, Primo Colon is not prime colon. He is B-Grade at best.

Primo's Ceiling: WWE Tag Team Championship / World Tag Team Championship

Dolph Ziggler

For those of you who doubt WWE's love for Dolph Ziggler, please refer to The Rock's tremendous promo on the Tenth Anniversary Edition of Smackdown. You didn't hear about Ted DiBiase, nor did The Rock talk about Cody Rhodes. Who in the phthalo blue hell is Dolph Ziggler, you say? Dolph is the next great WWE megastar, I say. He'll appear in several WWE Films, including Boogie Days, which is about a child film star who carries around a prosthetic lunchbox. If you ask me, that lunchbox looks kind of real. I have never seen another man's lunchbox in my life, but compared to mine, that looks real. You know what else is real? The Ziggling One, zigzagging his way to the top of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Critics claim that Dolph Ziggler will have a difficult time becoming a top star with such a ridiculous name. In the past, Val Venis' name alone prevented him from turning into a respected champion. While Dolph Ziggler is not the best name you could give a wrestler, I think his talent and charisma will pick up the slack. Look at the Undertaker. Look at The Ultimate Warrior. How about The Big Show? Also, Kurt Angle. What do all they have in common? Stupid, cartoonish, and cheesy names. Oh, Kurt Angle. Next time, come up with a name that doesn't sound fake, sir.

Kurt? Seriously? Kurt Angle? That name makes you laugh out loud as you roll on the floor, losing your ass. I retain my ass, though. That's how I do.

Dolph Ziggler's Ceiling: WWE Championship / World Heavyweight Championship

Zack Ryder

With Zack Ryder as a member of its roster, Extreme Championship Wrestling becomes a whole lot douchier. To me, Zack Ryder's New Jersey Guido gimmick is excellent. Say what you will about his asymmetric tights, but he sure has a recognizable character. At least he isn't one half of The Major Brothers. Unlike his former tag team partner Curt Hawkins, Ryder has made an impact. In comparison, a pin drop makes an impact on ECW, though Ryder has done it in an entertaining fashion. I don't know whether to shake his hand or punch him in the face. Although I can say the same for every new person I meet, I'm using Zack Ryder as the most glaring example. Woo, woo, woo. This is known to you.

I cannot say that Zack Ryder will be a future world champion. He may very well become an ECW Champion, but WWE has taught me that the ECW Championship doesn't count. Thanks, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. For me, Ryder is missing a little something to be considered world champion material. Perhaps, the douche that is Zack Ryder is missing a hot chick to complement him. Judging by the current Divas roster, several do the opposite of wrestling. Therefore, why not give Ryder some arm candy? Layla could do it. Maria could do it. Put Mike Knox in a wig and he could do it. Friggin' pretty, people.

Zack Ryder's Ceiling: ECW Championship