Monday, July 27, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 71st

Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Chris Jericho (c) and Mystery Grey Guy vs. Two Grey Guys

Cloud the colour barrier
(Cloud colour barriers)

For those about to wrestle and surround himself with grey people
Baby you know you're between black and white and I'm more vibrant
Some colours on my tights matches those of fire hydrants
Bring it to the crayon box like a Crayola tyrant

Step into the ring and cloud the colour barrier
Step into the ring and cloud the colour barrier

So cloudy (You know you resemble clouds)
So cumulus
Yes, yes

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Somebody's gonna get their wig repaired. I'm nice like that.


It might bring down the value of the Emmy, but it's going to bring the value of the refrigerator up.


The honeymoon is over. World Wrestling Entertainment's lovable leprechaun is not lovable anymore. At first, I welcomed the former Little Bastard with open, bastard-accepting arms. I enjoyed his sneaky antics in and out of the ring muchly, until I began to know him. Years later, Hornswoggle is not the person I originally thought he was. In fact, the Hornswoggle I know today is not even a person at all. He is a living and breathing memory of past greatness.

The children may get a kick out of Hornswoggle, mistakenly believing that he is a child, but I know the deal. As a normal-sized human being, I resent that Hornswoggle constantly gains the upper hand on his larger opponents. Jamie Noble deserved better when Hornswoggle trapped him in a large box. Chavo Guerrero deserves better than shielding his hot tamale boxers in Hornswoggle's company. On the other hand, Mini-Boogeyman got what he deserved. Where are your miniature worms, Mini-Boogeyman? You are not being true to your character.

Every time I try to convince a non-wrestling fan to watch WWE programming, Hornswoggle shows up to trivialize this wonderful entertainment sport. Leprechauns have tremendous entertainment value, yet wrestling was not built on their small shoulders. Hulk Hogan gathered the bricks that built professional wrestling. Then, Ric Flair stacked those bricks on top of one another. Super Calo provided the roof, but sewed the roof to those brick walls. That's not going to hold up, Super Calo. What a poor builder.

Hornswoggle is a menace, but not a cool menace, like Dennis the Menace and his cool slingshot. Truly, he is killing my love for World Wrestling Entertainment. He must be stopped. If you wish to help me, I will tell you how. Let us stop Hornswoggle together before professional wrestling becomes what it has never been before: a complete joke.

1) Become a teacher and get Hornswoggle into your class. After a few weeks of teaching those children well, contact Finlay and recommend that he attend a parent-teacher meeting concerning his son's behaviour. Dear Hornswoggle; yous in trouuuuuuuble.

2) Discard your wardrobe. I'm talking about every article of clothing that you have in your closet and drawers. You will not need underwear for this plan. Next, dress yourself up as a wrestling ring. Make sure that you are an attractive wrestling ring. The kind of wrestling ring that can entice professional wrestling leprechauns. Adorn yourself with any ring accessory available to you, such as ring steps or twenty wooden folding tables. Once Hornswoggle tries to get underneath your ring skirt, the disturbing sight will make him regret using wrestling rings as his home forevermore.

3) If Hornswoggle is chasing you down city streets, find the nearest amusement park. You do not have time to look at the Yellow Pages. A small, dirty, man-child wants to bite you on the buttocks. Run as fast as your runners can take you. When you enter the amusement park, look for a roller coaster. As one ride ends, take the next ride. Hornswoggle will attempt to come onboard the coaster, but height restrictions will prevent him from doing so. To celebrate your victory, vomit from the highest point of the roller coaster.

4) Invite John "Bradshaw" Layfield over to your home to do something manly. For example, get drunk on Mamajuana Energy Drink together and see what happens from there. While JBL is in an inebriated state, build a steel cage in your living room out of spare steel parts lying around your house. Before JBL wakes up from his drunken slumber, invite Hornswoggle over for a good, old-fashioned dirt bath. When JBL rises from the sofa, shove Hornswoggle into your makeshift cage. Leave the cage and enjoy the acts of violence (or loving) about to take place.

5) In your home wrestling ring, pretend to lie unconscious near one of the four corners. Hornswoggle will get the bright idea to fly off the top turnbuckle for the Tadpole Splash. As he goes for the move, rush to the pet store, buy a toad, inject it with steroids, then come back. Keep the toad hungry by making it watch hours and hours of the Food Network. Seconds before Hornswoggle nails the Tadpole Splash, present the toad before him. Because toads eat tadpoles, Hornswoggle will not be a problem anymore.

6) In search of door-making spray paint, Hornswoggle will need to take a shortcut down a dark alley. In that dark alley, emerge from the shadows and pin him. If you are able to get a three count, you will become the new WWE Cruiserweight Champion. Hornswoggle was using that forgotten championship as a shiny and decorative blanket. Not anymore, Horny. Not anymore. It's time to give that belt back to its rightful owner. Here you go, Chavo Guerrero. Use this title to hold up your pants, sewed together by an evil seamstress just as you were about to appear on the ramp.

7) Kidnap Hornswoggle. Force him to wear OshKosh B'gosh overalls and a pinwheel hat. On Saturdays from 4:00 to 10:00 pm, take him to Denny's and pretend to lovingly hold him in your arms. Next, order everything you can from the Kids' Menu because kids eat for free at Denny's. If he tries to eat that food, snatch it from him. You will never need to pay for another meal again (if you only eat food on Saturdays).

8) Like any little person, Hornswoggle has a stressful life. Some little people find solace in Munchkinland, while others drink their cares away with alcohol. Hornswoggle's supply of miniature alcohol bottles is plentiful. Therefore, replace his miniature alcohol bottles with regular alcohol bottles. Little people dressed as leprechauns know their limits. They won't touch the stuff. They will remain stressed instead.

9) Send Hornswoggle to space, or buy him a home in a stereotypical ghetto. There are leprechauns in space. Plus, there are leprechauns in the hood, but not the type that Hornswoggle has in mind. Find a stereotypical ghetto in space and you shall find the holiest of grails.

10) Aim a t-shirt cannon at Hornswoggle’s groin, but do not load your cannon with t-shirts. Even though t-shirts can slightly injure Hornswoggle, they will not suffice. Do you know what can severely injure Hornswoggle? Bullets. If you only have a Super Soaker, discard the water. Replace that water with liquid bullets (Holiday Spice Pepsi).

11) Remove one clover from every four-leaf clover in the world. Without luck, Hornswoggle's high life of hedonistic debauchery will end. Soon enough, he will have to live with Finlay, asking him for luck whenever he is strapped for it. Finlay will become frustrated with his son while Hornswoggle hangs out in the basement with his leprechaun buddies, smoking cigarettes made up of crushed Lucky Charms.

12) Shrink yourself to one-fourth of your original size. Apply for a job to work with the Keebler Elves, making cookies and other snacks inside of a tree. Once you are done making a batch of cookies, eat those cookies. You going to need the energy when you murder him in cold blood. Hornswoggles don't murder themselves, you know.

13) Hornswoggle's deadly mist can incapacitate anyone. In the event that Hornswoggle sprays you with his deadly leprechaun mist, place Triple H in front of you. A post-entrance Triple H will not do. You will have to summon Hunter before he makes his entrance. While Hornswoggle sprays his mist, Triple H will spit his bottled water to dilute the mist. Thank you, chemistry and other relative sciences.

14) Underneath a wrestling ring, attach several sticks of dynamite, leading to a detonator that sits on the canvas. With Hornswoggle underneath the ring, push down on the detonator plunger. When the detonator malfunctions, check the connection by crawling under the ring apron. Hornswoggle will appear in the center of the ring to detonate the dynamite himself. As he is about to push down on the detonator plunger, cross-dress. Somehow, Hornswoggle will end up on the losing end of this battle. I don't know if cross-dressing will help you in reality, but it always works in cartoons. Remember that time when Wile E. Coyote cross-dressed to pay off his student loans? I don't.

15) In the bathroom, take a shower and sing in an attractive, feminine manner. Believing that Melina is showering in your bathroom, Hornswoggle will sneak towards the tub and snatch your towel. Once he opens your shower curtains, show him the soaked version of your goods. If he remains interested, perhaps you should try looking like a man, rather than a fiery Latina who cannot stop smiling.

16) Transform yourself into a trash can. Hurl yourself towards an unsuspecting Hornswoggle. Welcome back to WrestleMania XXIV. Also, move to Los Angeles. You can turn yourself into a trash can at will, dude? I want to see that transformation on the silver screen. Imagine the kinds of trash you will be able to put inside yourself. For one, smaller cans.

17) Tie one hand behind your back. With assistance from a friend, tie your other hand behind your back. Have another friend tie your feet behind your back. Then, forget about Hornswoggle. You're a human ball. That's fun. Go ahead and roll around for a while.

18) While Hornswoggle is sleeping, dreaming his fighting Irish dreams, replace his leprechaun outfit with an adult-sized leprechaun outfit. Picture Hornswoggle’s face when he thinks that he has shrunk even more.

19) Follow Hornswoggle wherever he goes. Prevent him from attaining a magic mushroom. One more hit and he will have to start all over again.

20) Perform a visually entertaining and technically sound rain dance. After a period of heavy rainfall, a colourful rainbow will appear over the horizon. At the end of said rainbow, get rid of the pot of gold. When Hornswoggle arrives for the gold, slap him in the face with a bag of Skittles. Taste the rainbow, you young, vertically challenged, Irish gentleman.

Monday, July 20, 2009

KaraokE: Vladihontas



Ricky Ortiz's towel is no different than any other towel because towels in general are super-absorbent inspirations to us all.


This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot.


Besides the Guest Timekeeper, the Guest RAW General Manager is the most prestigious title in World Wrestling Entertainment today. Throughout the years, I did everything I could to become a Guest RAW General Manager. I bought a suit and tie. I learned how to speak English into a microphone, rather than Swahili. I tried to demand respect everywhere I went, even though I was only wearing one pant leg at the time. Family and friends gave me many words of encouragement during my quest, but apparently, I am not fit for the role. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to be a celebrity. I have not crashed enough cars, nor showed enough vagina.

Batista is a celebrity. He got his celebrity diploma in the mailbox of danger. One Seth Green standing on top of another Seth Green equals a celebrity in a tall-man-wearing-an-overcoat situation. ZZ Top are celebrities. Likewise, ZZ Top's beards are celebrities as well. In turn, this guy right here will never be celebrated in a famous fashion. I call shenanigans, but if I cannot become a Guest RAW General Manager, I know who can. Actually, I know several celebrities who can manage like a general. For your convenience, I come to you this week with information regarding probable general managers of the future.

Famous people are found in the strangest of places. They can be seen in films, clumsily tripping over their feet in clichéd romantic comedies. They can be heard in song, comparing their girl and boy parts to various kinds of fruits, vegetables, and treaties. The other day, I found a celebrity in my box of cereal. I am never eating that cereal again, yet I feel at home in the company of a celebrity. They make me feel warm in the same way that a warm blanket makes me feel ironically cold.

The greatest minds of our time will never match up to the minds of the greatest celebrities. They may be beautiful on the outside, but deep down, celebrities are beautiful on the inside, considering that they get brain augmentation surgery beforehand. As stale as professional wrestling may be, WWE must look to fresh businesses such as show business for they are the freshest and the cleanest. Lead the way, Hollywood celebrities. May you general manage wrestling to life and star in cheap, straight-to-DVD movies until you die.

Brock Lesnar

Believe you me, then you, and then me again when I say that I am not surprised that "The Next Big Thing" of WWE is now "The Next Big Thing" of the UFC. First of all, his professional wrestling debut involved destroying Spike Dudley, Al Snow, and Maven, also known as the Holy Trinity of Wrestling Greatness. Vince McMahon doesn't just let anyone destroy those guys. Now that the reigning UFC Heavyweight Champion is obliterating the MMA versions of Spike Dudley, Al Snow, and Maven, I predict that his rise to superstardom will never stop. World Wrestling Entertainment would be petty fools to not take advantage of his mainstream success. Since he has been gone, I have experienced little to no pain during my viewings of WWE programming. Personally, I want to feel that pain again. I would like Tazz to bring attention to the arrival of this pain, but he's not in WWE anymore either. Why must Vince McMahon play with my fragile heart? I bet the next thing he'll tell me is that Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, Bam Neely, Manu, Hardcore Holly, Ron Simmons, and Scotty Goldman are gone, too. Not Scotty Goldman. Not Scotty Goldman.

Robert Patrick

Fans of World Wrestling Entertainment and John Cena know Robert Patrick as Rome, the vile villain of The Marine. As a fan of terminating various people, places, and things, I know Robert Patrick as T-1000, the silvery liquid guy from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Wouldn't it be nice to see someone who can turn into a liquid act as the general manager of Monday Night RAW, rather than someone who can turn into a solid, or a gas? I'm dead tired of solid and gaseous general managers in professional wrestling. When I look at Robert Patrick, I see the perfect man for the job. Also, I see a man whose silvery liquid consistency can make a fine necklace for a friend or loved one. Although, first and foremost, I see the perfect man for the job.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Some wrestling fans think that The Rock is a sell-out for leaving WWE for the bright lights of Hollywood, but wouldn't you? Let's be reasonable before hatermelons are seasonable, mother farmers. If I had to choose between slamming myself against a wrestling canvas about a million times per year and starring in films with Seann William Scott, I would have to pick the latter, despite the fact that I would have to star in films with Seann William Scott. The trade-off will be difficult, yet fair. Even though Dwayne Johnson will never return to WWE in a full-time capacity, one week as RAW General Manager is a realistic fantasy. Today's wrestling fan needs to witness The Rock at his best for a Monday night, not watch him in films in which his elaborate Samoan tattoo is somehow relevant to every single one of his characters. Stifler can wait because he is too busy drinking man nutrients from a beer cup and resembling Andy Roddick.

Dennis Rodman

If you went back in time to the mid to late 90s, Dennis Rodman was kind of like a celebrity. In addition, he was kind of like a wrestler. Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and kind of wrestled against Lex Luger? Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and kind of wrestled against Karl Malone, who kind of wrestled? Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and won Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling? In particular, I remember that last time like it was last December. Dennis Rodman has what other celebrities don't — experience, not to mention Hulk Hogan. Bring Rodman to RAW and he will kind of general manage like nobody's business. Just make sure Hulk Hogan is present to supervise. If he cannot make it, I hope there'll be a bunch of basketballs ready to be rebounded. I don't think Monday Night RAW has basketballs that are ready to be rebounded, but I only watch the show in standard definition.

Concrete Paul Bearer

At the 2004 Great American Bash, the Undertaker encased his father in concrete, making him the fourth father to be drowned in concrete by his son on Pay-Per-View. Since World Wrestling Entertainment has a excellent reputation for high-class entertainment, I urge them to bring back concrete Paul Bearer like George Lucas brought back Han Solo in carbonite in Return of the Jedi. I wouldn't even bother taking Bearer out of concrete because he can surely manage a WWE brand from that box. The Undertaker is his son. He might have hated him then, but he probably gave Bearer a straw from which to breathe just in case. All Paul Bearer has to do is breathe once to schedule a main event match featuring Triple H and twice if he wants to prove that Legacy is one of the most disappointing stables in recent history via handicap match. When my future son puts me in concrete, remind me to thank him because I will be on the fast track to general managing.

Master P

Percy "Master P" Miller is a successful rapper and entrepreneur, what with his ability to master the letter P. By his stint in the dying days of World Championship Wrestling alone, WWE must give Master P as much of their money as possible. When I say as much as WWE’s money as possible, I'm talking about a minimum amount of $12.50. The kids today say, "Master Who?" In response, I say, "Hoody Hoo." Get your incomprehensible exclamations right before you ask your insipid questions. Before I was a professional wrestling analyst, I was a member of the No Limit Soldiers. My name was Cotton Swab because Q-Tip was taken. My friend was Flying Disc because Frisbee is a terrible rap name. We were kicked out of the No Limit Soldiers when it was proven that we had limitations. I am no RAW General Manager, but I cannot say the same for Master P. His limit is so non-existent that he won't mind if you misread his name as Masterp. I did. He was cool about it. He has no limits to his tolerance.

Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider used to watch other people make copies. Look at "The Scheidernater," getting off his schneid. Here comes "The Schneid." Here comes "The Schneid". Father of the Schneid... watching others make copies. Then, he was an animal. Next, he was a hot chick. Then, he was a stapler. During that time, he was a wall street executive with everything going for him before he became a carrot and an eight-year-old boy. Now, Rob Schneider is... the next Guest RAW General Manager. And he's about to find out that making matches on a show in which wrestlers can occasionally make matches on their own for no good reason is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider: RAW General Manager. How can he manage? Rated PG-13 for suggestive scenes of managing.

Stacy Keibler

Ms. Keibler's impressive resumé speaks for itself. Former WCW Nitro Girl. Woman who used to come down to the ring in skimpy business attire. Former valet of low-card superheroes. Third place winner of Dancing with the Stars. Eater of Ritz Crackers with John O'Hurley. In conclusion, Stacy Keibler is an everlasting megastar. If you don't believe me, think about the last time you shared Ritz Crackers with John O'Hurley? Never? I rest my case, your Ritz Cracker-loving honour. That finely-toned posterior doesn't tone itself. World Wrestling Entertainment needs her, but Jerry Lawler especially needs her. As of late, Lawler has some shame. Somebody get this man no shame.

Brooke Hogan

Do you like to watch charismatic performers on your television? Do you like good music? How about beautiful ladies who are charismatic and can sing good music? If you are currently in the market for a Guest RAW General Manager who possesses talent, charisma, and an angelic singing voice, Brooke Hogan is a satisfactory choice for the time being. For those of you who have missed several boats in the form of Brooke Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best 2, I feel sorry for you. Like her mother who is not at all crazy or greedy, Brooke Hogan is a tremendous woman. She is not ashamed to grind against poles in public. Plus, she wishes to remain behind the times, copying Britney Spears' music style from a decade ago. Until that day comes when Ms. Hogan graces RAW with her "beauty," "charisma," and "angelic" "singing" "voice," I can only dream. I can dream of a WWE in which every diva is as classy as Brooke.

The WWE Superstars

In the end, why should World Wrestling Entertainment pay famous celebrities mad to insane amounts of cheddar to appear on RAW when they already have the biggest celebrities of our days in their own promotion? If Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Julia Roberts make up Hollywood's A-List, Ted DiBiase, Mike Knox, and Michelle McCool are better than the A-List. In fact, these talented competitors make up the Gold Star and or Puffy, Googly-Eyed Sticker List. For the sake of all that is nautical and naval, Ted DiBiase is the star of The Marine II. According to the title, The Marine II is twice as good as The Marine. Hey, John Cena; you better get your goods and services ready because Ted DiBiase is money.

Monday, July 13, 2009

KaraokE - All The Single Fellows

Triple H plays out his fantasy in song.



Prince Iaukea is not in the WWE Hall of Fame either, but you don't see me complaining, Ted, Sr.


That's not a big problem. A big problem is like... well... if your butt fell off.

The Swerved Recordings: CM Punk and Jeff Hardy

The Captain and Tennille. Simon and Garfunkel. That girl and that guy from Roxette. The Rock and Wyclef Jean. What do these talented duos have in common? For the most part, their vision is perfectly fine. As they sing the songs of our past and present generations, they are able to do so with two working eyes. Some musical artists can't live without adequate eyesight, but for a certain pair of WWE Superstars, they don't need to see the world with two functional eyes. For them, legitimate and feigned eye injures are a godly gift in themselves. If you want to look up at the stars, why use binoculars when you have yourself a telescope? In the darkest of nights, the co-ordinates of greatness are as clear as day.

I spy with my very eye some straight-edge fellow who is the current World Heavyweight Champion. Also, I spy with my very eye someone who is a charismatic and enigmatic World Heavyweight Challenger. As one, I spy with my very eye an album that is a lyrically beautiful masterpiece. This one is for all of the one-eyed fighters out there who, deep down, are one-eyed lovers. This one is all of the mommas and baby momma's mommas who cannot drive around town with their babies because they are legally blind. I'm sorry, Mrs. Jackson. CM Punk and Jeff Hardy are for real.

This summer, Punk and Hardy have a vision. While they dominate Friday Night Smackdown and World Wrestling Entertainment, they see themselves ruling the music business as well. CM Punk doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, but he can belt out a mean Yugoslavian National Anthem. As for Jeff Hardy, we have heard his stellar voice before with his band Peroxwhy?gen, who performed his TNA entrance theme. With this knowledge in mind, Jeff Hardy will sing backup. He'll sing backup behind a group of 100 backup singers. He'll back up those backup singers. Jeff Hardy will play two triangles.

At random times during the day, CM Punk's right eye is hurting. Jeff Hardy is pretending that his right eye is hurting to fit in with CM Punk. One day, the right eyes of wrestling fans around the globe will hurt when they listen to this album. Why? Because the future of music is so bright with these two talented gentleman at the forefront. Without further delay, Punk and Hardy are about to stare at each other with their good eyes. In other words, they're about to see "Eye to Eye."

Punk and Hardy - "Eye to Eye"

Punk and Hardy's debut album includes fifteen eye- and ear-soothing tunes, recorded in one take from a Lenscrafters in Stamford, Connecticut — the official eyeglasses supplier of WWE. Surely, they're getting ahead of themselves by visiting Lenscrafters at this point, but if I were them, I would be ahead of myself, too. Eyeglasses make me giddy. Don't even take about stylish frames in my vicinity. I would most likely go crazy.

Although they are not the best of friends, the growing animosity between CM Punk and Jeff Hardy does not leave the wrestling ring. In the recording studio, they are chums. CM Punk braids Jeff's hair as Jeff extracts the rum out of Punk's chocolate cake. They go together like ebony and ivory, if Jeff Hardy was an African-American male and CM Punk was former WWF Women's Champion Ivory. Whenever they sing their hearts out, mine eye sees hearts fluttering out of every music fan alive. Like a Transformer with more personality than looks, these tracks are more than meets the eye(s).

Track Listing:

1. We Have No Money for Eye Patches (We Are The Welfare Pirates)
2. Let's Read The Eye Chart Together
3. Pay-Per-View Rematch, Ho
4. Feel Your Way To Me
5. Face Paint Is In My Eye (I Wonder Why I Use So Much, Knowing That I Sweat Remix)
6. Go 2 Optometrist
7. You Could See Me If You Tried
8. One Working Eye On My Face, One Working Eye In My Pants
9. Visine All Up In There (ft. Visine Spokesperson Ben Stein)
10. Playing Frisbee Is Difficult In My Condition (intro)
11. See, It's Hard For Me To Catch Things In My Condition
12. The Infinite Wink
13. My Eyelashes Were Supposed To Protect Me, But They Did Nothing
14. Kick That Footlocker Employee In The Back
15. Welfare Pirates Get Welfare Pirate Food Stamps

Perhaps you should buy a loaf of fresh bread from your local grocery store because the Swerved Recordings is on a roll. Therefore, "Eye to Eye" is sure to be our most successful album yet. For one, four out of five dentists recommend "Eye to Eye." The fifth dentist does not agree because he is a damn dentist and does not know great music when he sees it. Maybe he should stop cleaning people's teeth and start appreciating the musical talents of one CM Punk and one Jeffrey Hardy. Fortunately, true music critics appreciate this gem. If you don't believe me, check out what they have to say:

"This album is offensive to my people." - A Pirate of the Caribbean

"This album used to be offensive to my people." - Paul Burchill

"I miss the days when my people were offended by this album." - Scotty "Riggs" Riggs

"Stop bragging. At least you can see with one of your eyes. My eyes make t-shirts. Dang." - Cotton Eye Joe

"1...................................................................... 2.................................................................. 3 stars. Man, I said that too fast. I need a breather." - WWE Referee Scott Armstrong

"I'm sorry, but this music doesn't speak to me. I have no reason why that is so." - Woman with 20/20 Vision.

"Nice. This is my time to shine." - A Monocle

"Well, I guess I'm out of here." - Depth of Field

Give a man two eyes and he will see for a day. Teach a man to see with one eye and he will see "Eye to Eye" with Punk and Hardy for a lifetime. Call a man "four eyes" and you will slap CM Punk and Jeff Hardy in the face. They have temporary use of only one eye, yet you bring three additional eyes into the mix? Do you have no shame, or did you leave it at the door when you came in here? I would punch you with my good hand right now, but you will have to wait. My right hand is over my right eye. Just take a seat. I will be with you in a moment. As you wait, think about what you've done with your head in both hands.

The Swerved Recordings'
Punk & Hardy - "Eye to Eye"
In stores if you put one hand over your eye. If you put two hands over two eyes, you'll have much difficulty. You can do it if you want, but we're just saying. It won't be fun.

Monday, July 06, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 70th

Nicky vs. The Great Khali


And we are... Nicky!

The Question:
Who wins and how?



An eye patch for CM Punk. An eye patch for Jeff Hardy. Eye patches for everyone.


That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.

Trading Post

In WWE, the draft lottery matters. Superstars do not appear on a show other than their own without a good reason. For example, Triple H cannot appear on Smackdown without feeling like it. Because Donald Trump has approved a fifteen-superstar trade, I do not know what to think. World Wrestling Entertainment is in the tizziest of tizzies. Only Vince McMahon, who possesses the coolest of heads, can calm his promotion down. Do not freak out, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. You don't have to listen to Donald Trump, but you want to. That's fine, I guess. I'm not sure. I don't know why Trump's decisions still stand long after he has left the promotion, but whatever, Trevor.

Not unlike the draft that occurred no more than three months ago, World Wrestling Entertainment hopes that this trade will rejuvenate the three brands. As for me, I hope that the results of this trade will last for more than three months. I don't like it when WWE plays with my heart, even though they are prone to playing with the hearts of visionaries. If they trade Zack Ryder, my heart will break into several broken pieces. He is perfect for ECW. He asks the radio to tell him everything it knows. The radio tells him that he is 2000 and late. Perfect.

Sometimes, I wish I could alter the WWE rosters to my liking. That way, my decisions would stand, except that every other Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, every wrestler whose name started with the letters A to L would move to a random brand. Also, every wrestler whose named started with the letters M to Z would wrestle on a brand that they were on prior to their move to their current brand. Somewhere in there, a wrestler of my choice would spin in a circle really fast. Then, I would push him in the general direction of another brand. I understand that his method sounds easy, but let me assure you that it is not.

As I analyze this monumental trade, I thank WWE in advance for providing us with the best and most logical product I have seen in years. As long as they keep making sense, I will keep watching to make sense of their television shows. They are a puzzle within an enigma within a Chinese finger trap within a Magic Eye picture. Like McDonald's, I can't have just one. That's how it goes. Don't even question me because I wouldn't know how to answer.


Extreme Championship Wrestling is the home of extreme, which means that Shelton Benjamin, William Regal, Goldust, and the Bella Twins have run away from their own homes. They are professional runaways. Give them bindles and sticks for those bindles. Unless I am mistaken, the Gold Standard was part of this brand before, showing the crowd that he can be extreme for about four or five months. WWE is banking on Benjamin to improve on that time by adding one or two months to that last stint, depending upon what Vince McMahon ate for brunch. Sometimes Vince has a brisket. For brunch, that's way too heavy of a meal. He shouldn't be making business decisions under the influence of that much meat.

I look forward to William Regal's stay in ECW because at least he doesn't have to team with Matt Hardy for no reason and receive a pig-slop shower from Santino Marella. If I was William Regal, and I had to choose between RAW and ECW, I would choose the Land of Extreme every single time. You see, Regal's gets to befriend Vladimir Kozlov in ECW, which has been one of my life goals since Kozlov's debut. Judging by his snazzy clothes, Kozlov must have a trunk of costumes in his possession; Regal has to get in on that goodness. In the past, Regal dressed up as a homely pirate wench, but with Kozlov by his side, Regal can be whoever he wants to be. Think about the possibilities. Homely Russian wench. Attractive Russian wench. Tetris block. Brigette Nielsen as Ludmilla Drago. The sky is not the limit because there is no limit with Kozlov's friendship.

In turn, Goldust loses a friend with his move. Specifically, Hornswoggle was like a son to him, if Goldust's son was a dirty leprechaun. Perhaps Goldust can find a leprechaun with excellent hygiene in ECW, but we're talking about ECW here. You either find dirty leprechauns or no leprechauns. Some analysts claim that Goldust's stint in ECW will be last, but I'm not sweating his probable release. History has proven that WWE will simply bring him back, then release him before bringing him back once more. Stop throwing him around like a piece of brisket meat, World Wrestling Entertainment. He is a grown man with grown feelings. Do not continue to curtain call him or it will be curtains for you and yours.

Last of all, the Bella Twins' entrance into Extreme Championship Wrestling means that the Bella Twins fill up two rosters spots. They look like one person, but they are not. They are two people. I am done.


If RAW is the flagship of World Wrestling Entertainment, Smackdown is the ocean that keeps the boat afloat. Compared to RAW's main event roster, Smackdown's group is a breathy breath of sweet, untapped oxygen. For now, fans of RAW must suffice with refreshing matches such as Triple H vs. Randy Orton, Triple H vs. John Cena, Randy Orton vs. John Cena, Randy Orton vs. Triple H vs. John Cena, Triple H vs. Randy Orton again, Triple H vs. Randy Orton for the third time, and Triple H vs. Triple H somehow. In addition to Chris Jericho, Edge, Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, and Jeff Hardy, Smackdown will now house the talents of Matt Hardy, Finlay, and The Hart Dynasty.

These days, Matt Hardy is more injured than not injured. He seems to have the durability of a paper lantern, yet the crowd loves him and his colonial jacket and his key tights. Honestly, who wouldn't? That ensemble goes together like spreadable cheese on an Escalade. Once he recovers from his ailments, I believe that the brother versus brother feud between Matt and Jeff Hardy must continue. RAW has taught us that stretcher matches do not end feuds. Therefore, I will not rest until I see a fitting conclusion to this sibling rivalry. I don't have a brother myself, but if I did, boy would I want to beat him up in front of fifteen thousand people. He gets to sleep on the top bunk, Mom. He’s closer to the ceiling than I. That's not fair.

The Hart Dynasty and Finlay's move to Smackdown is effective in that Finlay will get to teach David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd all over again. Not too long ago, Finlay taught future superstars how to put on a competent and entertaining match. Look at his matches with The Boogeyman and you will see his teaching skills at work. While The Hart Dynasty needs a little more work, I see big things in their wrestling future. First of all, I envision them feuding with former Hart rivals like the Undertaker, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels. Next, I picture them bringing in Teddy Hart. Finally, I see the stable imploding due to Teddy Hart. In other words, the next few years shall be very exciting, consisting of flips and stuff.


Monday Night RAW is rich with talent, but do they get richer with the inclusion of Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and Mark Henry? I would like to think so, but I like to think a lot of things that WWE does not even think about. On the one hand, the RAW women's division loses the Bella Twins. On the other hand, what does the RAW women's division lose with the Bella Twins anyway? Two girls who do everything together while looking identical? Take two blondes from the WWE Divas roster and you shall make your own version of the Bella Twins. With Alicia Fox, you get an up-and-coming, charismatic personality with pant-loads of potential. With Gail Kim, you get a former TNA Knockout and Women's Champion who used to act like an Asian woman from The Matrix. You can't get any better than that, or can you? I already told you that you can’t. You don’t listen.

Jack Swagger's count-out loss to Randy Orton on his RAW debut proved to the doubters that the All-American American is for real. Not only can he stand on his own two feet, he can stand on his own two feet on the apron while folding his arms. I see infinite potential in Jack Swagger. If RAW was the first time you've seen Jack Swagger, you haven't seen a thing. Just wait until he busts out some actual wrestling moves. Just forget about that time when John Cena called him a nobody before beating him like what. That ass-handling didn't affect him at all. Wrestling fans have short-term memories. Once you forget, everything will be good again.

Judging from the crowd reaction to Evan Bourne, he is going to be big. World Wrestling Entertainment loves their stunned silences. If you multiply one stunned silence by a billion, you will end up with a stunned silence that is comparable to one Evan Bourne. You couldn't hear a pin drop, but you could hear a pin that was about to drop. The crowd was so in awe of his Evan Bourneness that they suddenly got to urge to get up, go to the washroom, and get themselves a hot dog. I fully expect Bourne to rise to levels of The Brian Kendrick, who reigns over RAW about once every month.

Conversely, I don't see big things for Mark Henry, Of course, Henry defeated the WWE Champion, but that was in a handicap match. According to WWE programming, the outnumbered wrestler in a handicap match is supposed to win every damn day of the week. In conclusion, that victory was a fluke. Plus, Mark Henry doesn't have Tony Altas. A Henry without an Atlas is like springtime without cherry blossoms. I don't want to live in a world without cherry blossoms. I plan to split as many wigs as I can until see some cherry blossoms up this piece.