Monday, July 20, 2009

GM


Besides the Guest Timekeeper, the Guest RAW General Manager is the most prestigious title in World Wrestling Entertainment today. Throughout the years, I did everything I could to become a Guest RAW General Manager. I bought a suit and tie. I learned how to speak English into a microphone, rather than Swahili. I tried to demand respect everywhere I went, even though I was only wearing one pant leg at the time. Family and friends gave me many words of encouragement during my quest, but apparently, I am not fit for the role. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to be a celebrity. I have not crashed enough cars, nor showed enough vagina.

Batista is a celebrity. He got his celebrity diploma in the mailbox of danger. One Seth Green standing on top of another Seth Green equals a celebrity in a tall-man-wearing-an-overcoat situation. ZZ Top are celebrities. Likewise, ZZ Top's beards are celebrities as well. In turn, this guy right here will never be celebrated in a famous fashion. I call shenanigans, but if I cannot become a Guest RAW General Manager, I know who can. Actually, I know several celebrities who can manage like a general. For your convenience, I come to you this week with information regarding probable general managers of the future.

Famous people are found in the strangest of places. They can be seen in films, clumsily tripping over their feet in clichéd romantic comedies. They can be heard in song, comparing their girl and boy parts to various kinds of fruits, vegetables, and treaties. The other day, I found a celebrity in my box of cereal. I am never eating that cereal again, yet I feel at home in the company of a celebrity. They make me feel warm in the same way that a warm blanket makes me feel ironically cold.

The greatest minds of our time will never match up to the minds of the greatest celebrities. They may be beautiful on the outside, but deep down, celebrities are beautiful on the inside, considering that they get brain augmentation surgery beforehand. As stale as professional wrestling may be, WWE must look to fresh businesses such as show business for they are the freshest and the cleanest. Lead the way, Hollywood celebrities. May you general manage wrestling to life and star in cheap, straight-to-DVD movies until you die.


Brock Lesnar

Believe you me, then you, and then me again when I say that I am not surprised that "The Next Big Thing" of WWE is now "The Next Big Thing" of the UFC. First of all, his professional wrestling debut involved destroying Spike Dudley, Al Snow, and Maven, also known as the Holy Trinity of Wrestling Greatness. Vince McMahon doesn't just let anyone destroy those guys. Now that the reigning UFC Heavyweight Champion is obliterating the MMA versions of Spike Dudley, Al Snow, and Maven, I predict that his rise to superstardom will never stop. World Wrestling Entertainment would be petty fools to not take advantage of his mainstream success. Since he has been gone, I have experienced little to no pain during my viewings of WWE programming. Personally, I want to feel that pain again. I would like Tazz to bring attention to the arrival of this pain, but he's not in WWE anymore either. Why must Vince McMahon play with my fragile heart? I bet the next thing he'll tell me is that Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, Bam Neely, Manu, Hardcore Holly, Ron Simmons, and Scotty Goldman are gone, too. Not Scotty Goldman. Not Scotty Goldman.


Robert Patrick

Fans of World Wrestling Entertainment and John Cena know Robert Patrick as Rome, the vile villain of The Marine. As a fan of terminating various people, places, and things, I know Robert Patrick as T-1000, the silvery liquid guy from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Wouldn't it be nice to see someone who can turn into a liquid act as the general manager of Monday Night RAW, rather than someone who can turn into a solid, or a gas? I'm dead tired of solid and gaseous general managers in professional wrestling. When I look at Robert Patrick, I see the perfect man for the job. Also, I see a man whose silvery liquid consistency can make a fine necklace for a friend or loved one. Although, first and foremost, I see the perfect man for the job.


Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Some wrestling fans think that The Rock is a sell-out for leaving WWE for the bright lights of Hollywood, but wouldn't you? Let's be reasonable before hatermelons are seasonable, mother farmers. If I had to choose between slamming myself against a wrestling canvas about a million times per year and starring in films with Seann William Scott, I would have to pick the latter, despite the fact that I would have to star in films with Seann William Scott. The trade-off will be difficult, yet fair. Even though Dwayne Johnson will never return to WWE in a full-time capacity, one week as RAW General Manager is a realistic fantasy. Today's wrestling fan needs to witness The Rock at his best for a Monday night, not watch him in films in which his elaborate Samoan tattoo is somehow relevant to every single one of his characters. Stifler can wait because he is too busy drinking man nutrients from a beer cup and resembling Andy Roddick.


Dennis Rodman

If you went back in time to the mid to late 90s, Dennis Rodman was kind of like a celebrity. In addition, he was kind of like a wrestler. Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and kind of wrestled against Lex Luger? Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and kind of wrestled against Karl Malone, who kind of wrestled? Remember that time when he teamed up with Hulk Hogan and won Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling? In particular, I remember that last time like it was last December. Dennis Rodman has what other celebrities don't — experience, not to mention Hulk Hogan. Bring Rodman to RAW and he will kind of general manage like nobody's business. Just make sure Hulk Hogan is present to supervise. If he cannot make it, I hope there'll be a bunch of basketballs ready to be rebounded. I don't think Monday Night RAW has basketballs that are ready to be rebounded, but I only watch the show in standard definition.


Concrete Paul Bearer

At the 2004 Great American Bash, the Undertaker encased his father in concrete, making him the fourth father to be drowned in concrete by his son on Pay-Per-View. Since World Wrestling Entertainment has a excellent reputation for high-class entertainment, I urge them to bring back concrete Paul Bearer like George Lucas brought back Han Solo in carbonite in Return of the Jedi. I wouldn't even bother taking Bearer out of concrete because he can surely manage a WWE brand from that box. The Undertaker is his son. He might have hated him then, but he probably gave Bearer a straw from which to breathe just in case. All Paul Bearer has to do is breathe once to schedule a main event match featuring Triple H and twice if he wants to prove that Legacy is one of the most disappointing stables in recent history via handicap match. When my future son puts me in concrete, remind me to thank him because I will be on the fast track to general managing.


Master P

Percy "Master P" Miller is a successful rapper and entrepreneur, what with his ability to master the letter P. By his stint in the dying days of World Championship Wrestling alone, WWE must give Master P as much of their money as possible. When I say as much as WWE’s money as possible, I'm talking about a minimum amount of $12.50. The kids today say, "Master Who?" In response, I say, "Hoody Hoo." Get your incomprehensible exclamations right before you ask your insipid questions. Before I was a professional wrestling analyst, I was a member of the No Limit Soldiers. My name was Cotton Swab because Q-Tip was taken. My friend was Flying Disc because Frisbee is a terrible rap name. We were kicked out of the No Limit Soldiers when it was proven that we had limitations. I am no RAW General Manager, but I cannot say the same for Master P. His limit is so non-existent that he won't mind if you misread his name as Masterp. I did. He was cool about it. He has no limits to his tolerance.


Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider used to watch other people make copies. Look at "The Scheidernater," getting off his schneid. Here comes "The Schneid." Here comes "The Schneid". Father of the Schneid... watching others make copies. Then, he was an animal. Next, he was a hot chick. Then, he was a stapler. During that time, he was a wall street executive with everything going for him before he became a carrot and an eight-year-old boy. Now, Rob Schneider is... the next Guest RAW General Manager. And he's about to find out that making matches on a show in which wrestlers can occasionally make matches on their own for no good reason is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider: RAW General Manager. How can he manage? Rated PG-13 for suggestive scenes of managing.


Stacy Keibler

Ms. Keibler's impressive resumé speaks for itself. Former WCW Nitro Girl. Woman who used to come down to the ring in skimpy business attire. Former valet of low-card superheroes. Third place winner of Dancing with the Stars. Eater of Ritz Crackers with John O'Hurley. In conclusion, Stacy Keibler is an everlasting megastar. If you don't believe me, think about the last time you shared Ritz Crackers with John O'Hurley? Never? I rest my case, your Ritz Cracker-loving honour. That finely-toned posterior doesn't tone itself. World Wrestling Entertainment needs her, but Jerry Lawler especially needs her. As of late, Lawler has some shame. Somebody get this man no shame.


Brooke Hogan

Do you like to watch charismatic performers on your television? Do you like good music? How about beautiful ladies who are charismatic and can sing good music? If you are currently in the market for a Guest RAW General Manager who possesses talent, charisma, and an angelic singing voice, Brooke Hogan is a satisfactory choice for the time being. For those of you who have missed several boats in the form of Brooke Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best 2, I feel sorry for you. Like her mother who is not at all crazy or greedy, Brooke Hogan is a tremendous woman. She is not ashamed to grind against poles in public. Plus, she wishes to remain behind the times, copying Britney Spears' music style from a decade ago. Until that day comes when Ms. Hogan graces RAW with her "beauty," "charisma," and "angelic" "singing" "voice," I can only dream. I can dream of a WWE in which every diva is as classy as Brooke.


The WWE Superstars

In the end, why should World Wrestling Entertainment pay famous celebrities mad to insane amounts of cheddar to appear on RAW when they already have the biggest celebrities of our days in their own promotion? If Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Julia Roberts make up Hollywood's A-List, Ted DiBiase, Mike Knox, and Michelle McCool are better than the A-List. In fact, these talented competitors make up the Gold Star and or Puffy, Googly-Eyed Sticker List. For the sake of all that is nautical and naval, Ted DiBiase is the star of The Marine II. According to the title, The Marine II is twice as good as The Marine. Hey, John Cena; you better get your goods and services ready because Ted DiBiase is money.

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