Monday, January 29, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 10th

ECW World Championship Match
Wayne Brady vs. Test

Non-threatening fellow of African-American descent

Wayne Brady's gonna pass the Test
The challenger ain't see nothin' yet
Wayne Brady's gonna pass the Test
And thankfully he has the answer key

Question one is answered D
Question two is answered C
He's gonna skip number three cause it's too long to read
But on question four he's gonna kick some A

You say your name is Test and you want the belt?
Well, Wayne says your name is Test and you're a bastard

is a non-threatening fellow of African-American descent

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I go back to the confessional. Forgive me Father, for I have swerved.


Let's all go to the lobby? Let's all leave the lobby. That box of popcorn is singing to me.

The Interviewerved: Alex Reimer and I

Last week, Alex Reimer, the host of the No Holds Barred wrestling podcast on, answered questions about the current world of professional wrestling. He was engaging and intriguing throughout the piece. His execution of answers was flawless. His personality shone through the internet page and into your homes. The Chinese judge gives him 9.9; the Finnish judge gives him 9.9; the Russian judge has Alex at a perfect 10; I give him an 9.8. His dismount was steady, but his knees wobbled on the landing.

Also, I would say the choice of music for his routine (
Kidz Bop's "Chicken Noodle Soup") was questionable, but I can't; that song is amazing. You know which wrestler would benefit from having a entrance song like that? All of them.

This time, it is Alex's turn to interview me. I swear that I will answer the following wrestling-related questions to the best of my ability. If I do not have any ability, I hope to coast by on my appearance alone. It's the wrestling way.



The Interviewerved: Alex Reimer and I

"Somebody has to be the Ambassador of Quebec." - Myself on the importance of Sylvan

Stephen Rivera: Statistics (determined by the interviewee)
-Current owner/writer of The Swerved
-Former writer of
-Sees no evil
-Finishing Move: Big Mac Rub (I rub Big Mac sandwiches on my opponent. He won't get that smell out, even if he scrubs his clothes really hard. I guarantee it.)

10 Questions

1) I no longer care about Kurt Angle. I personally think that TNA was flawless in their execution of making Joe vs. Angle seem like "nothing special." What do you think was the biggest step in completely killing all of Angle's momentum?

S: I was legitimately excited to see how TNA would debut Kurt Angle... then he was the special guest enforcer at last year's Bound For Glory in the NWA Title Match between Jeff Jarrett and Sting. They could've built Angle up for several months (or possibly a year) through vignettes, interviews, and teased appearances -- similar to how The Crow version
of Sting appeared on WCW television during his feud with Hollywood Hogan -- until his inevitable confrontation with Samoa Joe. Alas, nobody has patience anymore. I guess TNA doesn't want to make a profit. I bet TNA doesn't like free money. Free money must have slept with TNA's sister and lied about calling her afterwards.

2) Khali vs. Hogan is rumored for WM 23. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the match, just because I'm hoping that the crowd will completely crap on it, similar to Lesnar/Goldberg from WM 20. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to the match for that reason, or are you the same way?

S: If The Great Khali replaced Triple H in D-Generation X, followed by Hulk Hogan reforming the New World Order with Umaga and Vladimir Kozlov, I would buy every piece of merchandise WWE has released in their history, as well as purchase all past, present, and future WWE Pay-Per-View events twenty times over. Next, their Wrestlemania 23 encounter would automatically shoot up to the top of my Favourite Matches of All-Time List, even before I would have watched it.

I don't think it's too weird to have interest in Khali versus Hogan, because I think the match has "Car Crash Appeal", meaning that it will most likely be a horrible sight and you will want to look away, but morbid curiosity will refuse to divert your eyes from the gruesomeness.

3) If the crowd does crap on Khali vs. Hogan, who will Vince blame for it?

A. Khali, Hogan, and himself
B. Paul Heyman
C. RVD, Finlay, Benoit, and all the other good workers on the roster.
D. The internet

S: I would say the internet, but I'm kind of a part of the internet. I hope Vince doesn't fire the fans again and act hostile towards all of us. I need him as a reference on my resumé.

Vince knows I have the following traits:
- Hard worker
- Goodly talker on the mic dealie at the stuff
- Proficient at the glockenspiel

4) Why does Viscera still have a job? He does absolutely nothing, and unlike Masters and other pieces of crap on the roster, he doesn't even
get pushed. What's the point of having him around?

S: Reason the 1st: He's big.
Reason the 2nd: He's big.
Reason the 3rd: When I see him in the ring, he reminds me of Violet Beauregarde of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory fame after she ate a piece of three-course-meal gum. You can't fire a guy like that since he can be utilized in so many ways. Who's John Cena going to FU in impressive fashion? In a Royal Rumble or battle royal, what big man will one wrestler, with the help of nine other guys, haul over the top rope like a hefty bag of garbage? Who's going to be The World's Largest Love Machine? Well, I would also like to see Khali in that last role, but that's neither here nor there.

5) On a similar note, why does Sylvan still have a job? Don't tell me he did another "favor" to Pat Patterson.

S: Somebody has to be the Ambassador of Quebec. The Great Khali is only one man.

6) Do you think CM Punk will ever hold heavyweight gold in the WWE? Do you even think he'll be on the Mania card at this point?

S: I think CM Punk is someone World Wrestling Entertainment needs right now as I view him as a stand-out character from the rest of the roster. He's a guy who has actually been successful and grown as a performer in places other than WWE farm systems. Plus, if they fleshed out his character more, he could be a new type of anti-hero for the younglings of today. Although, for some reason, he is losing momentum for reasons I do not know. One day, I do see him eventually wearing heavyweight gold, but not for a while. I believe WWE will give the titles to characters they know and love like Ken Kennedy, Chris Masters, and Scotty 2 Hotty first before even considering Punk.

If Punk can escape from whatever doghouse he is in and (re)gain of the trust and support of those who might be holding him back, I think he'll be in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match (if there is one), or in a four- or six-way battle for the ECW Championship at Wrestlemania 23. Surely if he's on the Pay-Per-View, he'll be slotted in that "Give Lots of Guys with Nothing to Do... Something to Do" spot.

7) Will Triple H's injury end up having a positive, or negative affect on the WWE?

S: For several years, I thought WWE's tagline for Wrestlemania should have been "Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H", because he was never not there in the title match. Whenever I heard news of Wrestlemania main event rumours, I would reply with, "Against Triple H, right?" Now that Triple H will most likely miss Wrestlemania (he could very well show up in the main event anyway and throw sledgehammers at the wrestlers in the ring from the confines of his wheelchair), this is a chance for WWE to showcase new or fairly new characters that will be heavily involved in their future. They should take advantage of the opportunity.

In my opinion, WWE should always have an able-bodied, talented, and popular backup guy to fill the void in case a main star is unable to perform. If Triple H or anyone else on the high card goes down and they have nobody credible to replace him with, it's their own fault.

8) Do you think that VKM is essentially the pot calling the kettle black when they say that DX and the WWE is rehashed, and nobody cares about them? Speaking of why do people still have jobs, why do people booking wrestling shows STILL THINK that Billy Gunn has talent? Doesn't anybody remember when The Rock refused to work with him in 1999?

S: If the VKM business is actually over in TNA, I don't understand what it was supposed to accomplish. WWE would never co-operate with TNA, so they wasted their time.

For a parody to work, it has be better or funnier than the subject its parodying. If a parody is worse than the subject matter, what's really being ridiculed? I haven't seen enough VKM skits to make an accurate judgement, but what former-Road Dogg (I wanted TNA to call him Highway Catt) and former-Billy Gunn (I wanted TNA to call him Short Shorts McGee) did was somewhat amusing, but it was amusing in the sense of watching someone try to get a ball into a cup and never quite making it. "The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup."

Billy Gunn doesn't have copious amounts of talent per se as he has name and face recognition value. It's too bad he can't use "Billy Gunn" and looks different than when he was employed by the World Wrestling Federation. To answer your last question of this batch, I miss The Rock. He was entertaining, especially when he was Hollywood Rock. That's all.

9) Will ROH ever grow to get a TV deal, or will they stay where they are forever?

S: From what I know, which is not a whole lot, Gabe Sapolsky is happy with how far ROH has come from its inception. Of course, you actually interviewed him so you would probably have a better grasp of his mindset. If I were him, I would love to put that kind of company on television if I could, but I don't know if he wants to. If Ring of Honor is making money without television, more power to him.

10) We hear a lot about "wrestler's court." I'm asking you to create dialogue for a fantasy wrestler's court case. Taker is the judge, Holly, and HBK are the jury, and Triple H is accusing CM Punk of trying to stealing his spotlight and trying to ruin his career, as Punk got a bigger reaction than him at Survivor Series. Punk is the defendant, and is also in the room. This dialogue can be as short, or as lengthly as you want it to be.

S: The following is a poor dramatization:

"Wrestler's Court with CM Punk"

*All stand quietly as Judge Taker enters through clouds of smoke. He takes 13 years to enter. Taking his hat off as slowly as he does changes the world.*

Taker: We will now hear the case of Triple H versus CM Punk. Please be seated.

*Moments later*

HHH: I would like to call CM Punk to the stand.

Jury: Gasp. He's calling him to the stand. You know that stand there? CM Punk will be at that stand. We're providing new information for all.

*CM Punk approaches the stand and sits*

HHH: You know what you did? You stole my cheers. You took my fans. You took my livelihood. At Survivor Series of the 2006th variety, you took food from my mouth, my wife's mouth, and my daughter's mouth, and crammed it into your own grungy gullet. When was the last time your gullet showered?

*HHH turns to the judge*

HHH: Your Honour, he is too popular. Pooorrrr qqquuuééé?

Punk: It was an accident.

HHH: Your face is an accident.


*Moments later*

HHH: Tell the truth, damnit. Are you CM Punk and are you better than me?

Punk: Well, that was kind of my catchphrase.

HHH: Your mom is a catchphrase.

HBK: ROFLcopter!

*Hardcore Holly stands up*

Holly: Grumble, grumble. I look like an older version of Ben Folds from the Ben Folds Five. Grumble, grumble. Curmudgeon expressions.

*Hardcore Holly sits down*

HHH: As you can see, CM Punk is guilty on all counts of upstaging. He thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, but you know what? He's not even two chips.

Punk: Nuh-uh.

HHH: Yuh-huh.

Punk: Nuh-uh.

HHH. Yuh-huh.

Taker: Enough!

*Taker bangs his gavel*

Taker: Any last words, Punk?

Punk: I would just like to say...

*CM Punk stands up slowly, but loses his balance and accidentally knocks over a set of pillars. The pillars crash into a wall, revealing a time portal which sucks in all beings who occupy the room. Once out of the portal, CM Punk is suddenly married to Stephanie McMahon and Triple H has replaced him at the stand.*

Punk: Wow, she is not pleasant at all.

HHH: I know, right?

HBK: Oh, Punk. You are quite a card.

*Punk shrugs his shoulders and smirks."

Announcer Singing Jingle: "Everyone knows it's Punker!"

Punk: That's me!

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 9th

30-Grisham Royal Rumble Match

It's time for the...

Yo, he'll tell you what he wants, what he really really wants,
So tell him what you want, what you really really want,
He'll tell you what he wants, what he really really wants,
So tell him what you want, what you really really want,
He wanna, he wanna, he wanna, he wanna, he wanna
Really really really wanna have haircuts like Batista

If you wanna be his ally, you gotta get with his crew,
Make it last forever cause Grisham Time's 'bout due,
If you wanna be his buddy, you have got to say,
"I loves me some Toddy, but NOT in that special way"

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Alex Reimer swerves me?


Hey, look over there! A distraction!

The Interviewerved: Alex Reimer

Oh, hello. I didn't notice you there nowhere in this room as I was typing words out on a computer you can't see. Like the title proclaims, welcome to the second installment of my interview-counterview segment entitled The Interviewerved. My guest this week hails from the great American state of Massachusetts. While he has been feautured on numerous talk shows and news articles, eloquently expressing his views on sports, I have been featured on none. What's my excuse? I am too beautiful for mass media.

Ladies and gentleman, without further delay, I think it's time to get to the nitty-gritty with the host of the No Holds Barred wrestling podcast -- Alex Reimer.

I don't know about you, but when I was 14 years old, I wasn't analyzing professional wrestling in such a thorough and blunt manner. Instead, I was spending time with friends, throwing lit fireworks at larger lit fireworks, in an attempt to impress Trixie Stanwick, the class beauty at the time. When she turned down my advances, I lit her hair on fire and threw her at the fireworks pile. That was simply how I rolled back then.

If you or someone famous you know would like be a guest on The Interviewerved, please leave a comment or send an e-mail. I have a surplus of APA's "Always Pounding Ass" shirts I purchased on Uncomfortably Switch Your Sexual Orientation Day. I am willing to give them out to those who agree to be interviewed.



The Interviewered: Alex Reimer

"I could never survive..."
- Alex Reimer on spending time with TNA's announce team

Alex Reimer: Statistics
- 14-year-old sports/professional wrestling analyst
- The Phenom
- Gave Lashley charisma for Christmas, but Lashley returned it.
Finishing Move: Roll up (99.99999% of WWE and TNA matches end with a roll up, so that might as well be my finishing move.)

10 Questions

1) You are the host of Without A Curse on, chronicling the trials and tribulations of the Boston Red Sox. Your wrestling show, No Holds Barred, is also featured on the sports-related site. Vince McMahon says wrestling is not necessarily a sport, preferring to call it "sports entertainment" -- professional wrestling in concept, but not really in truth. Does the idea of sports entertainment make Vince McMahon a bonafide genius, or a genius in concept, but not really in truth?

A: I think that Vinnie Mac is somewhat of a genius, as he took wrestling from a kayfabe, regional outlet, and made it into a multi billion dollar entertainment business. I think we can all agree that at one point in time, the WWE was simply the best entertainment on television. It had drama, action, excitement, suspense, romance, comedy, etc. However, in 2007 I question whether McMahon has gone completely insane, or if he's just too damn stubborn to do things differently. I'm leaning towards the latter, because I find it hard to believe somebody who was once so brilliant, could become such an idiot only a couple of years later. McMahon's vision of wrasslin' shot him to the top of the industry, and he's too damn stubborn to get better, or to compromise.

2) Let's stay on Mr. McMahon for a second. In a recent wrestling moment that will forever live in infamy, D-Generation X hilariously claimed that Vince McMahon loved roosters. The suggestive phrase spawned a WWE t-shirt featuring a cartoon rooster confidently pointing at himself with "Vince Loves" written above him in green. This shirt is classy, but is it the new tuxedo?

A: If it is, I'll be jumping the border out of this country. I don't know what's scarier: That the WWE actually sells those, or that people actually buy those things?

3) You were a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno way back in September 2005. At WCW Road Wild in 1998, Jay Leno defeated Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff with the help of Diamond Dallas Page and Kevin Eubanks. Therefore, is Jay Leno world title material?

A: If David Arquette was, I think somebody who has had at least some success in Hollywood is championship material.

4) World Wrestling Entertainment's Kenny Dykstra is named after former Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Lenny Dysktra. With that said, if you could adopt the name of any Red Sox player in history as your own, what name would you choose and why?
(Note: Keep in mind that if WWE hired you to wrestle for them, your gimmick would be that you're 14 years old. What's dynamic about this particular gimmick is that it's 6 years better than Dykstra's gimmick of being 20 years old.)

A: Alex Ramirez. The gimmick would be that I'm too lazy to try to improve, because I won my first couple of matches. I'd then get into a feud with all the veterans, and completely beat them down!

5) TNA's Mike Tenay and Don West were recent "guests" on your show. If you were stuck in an elevator and forced to listen to them commentate non-stop for one entire week, could you survive? If so, how?

A: I could never survive.....

6) It looks as though Batista will face Undertaker in a World Heavyweight Title versus Winning Streak Match at Wrestlemania 23. Undertaker's streak may be wasted
in this bout, but if you could pick one way to describe Batista's probable and unnecessary victory, what would it be?

a) Batista defeating Undertaker is like adding another slice of ham to a sandwich that already has enough ham on it.
b) Batista defeating Undertaker is like an older man giving a old man the last spot on the last raft departing from the sinking Titanic.
c) Batista defeating Undertaker is like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
d) Other: (please specify)

A: I think saying A best represents my thoughts. Tista has been shoved down our throats enough, he's already a "star," so there's really no point in giving him an extra rub. Then again, there's really no point in anything that the WWE does these days.

7) Wrestling live events are wonderful affairs wheredrunk people get into fights, kids swear in each other's faces, and women scream consistently at dreamy male athletes. What's the oddest thing you ever heard or saw from a fan at a live event?

A: I talked about this last month on my podcast....I went to the December 12th taping of ECW/SD, and some crazy woman was behind me. She kept screaming at me, and the people around us, because we were all booing Lashley. She then said we're all dumb, because that means we like The Big Show. She also was mad because the t-shirt bimbos wouldn't shoot her a t-shirt, and she threatened to kill them, etc. She was a crazy monkey thingie, and I'll argue she deserved to die more than Saddam Hussein. She is a crazy lunatic, who needs to be stopped if this country wants to move forward.

8) WWE provides dream matches every week on TV. For instance, The Miz versus The Boogeyman is just like The Rock versus Hulk Hogan, except it's the opposite of The Rock versus Hulk Hogan, and there's a whole bunch of worms. Is there any dream match that the WWE can do today that you'd be interested in seeing?

A: On their current roster, I can't really think of any. There are quite a few "really cool" matches they could do, like Orton vs. Cena, Cena vs. Batista, Finlay vs. RVD, etc. But I wouldn't really call any of them "dream matches". The current roster just isn't that good, which is sad because the WWE has the resources to get the best talent in the world. Instead, they sign steroid monsters like Daniel Rodhimer.

9) TNA loves changing a wrestler's name. From Billy Gunn to The Outlaw to Kip James, from Low-Ki to Senshi, and from Kurt Angle to Nothing Special, TNA is full of great monikers. Hypothetically, let's say Rey Mysterio signs with TNA, but is forced to use a different name. In TNA, what do you think his name would be? For example, if he joined Team 3-D, I think he'd be called Brother Guerrero.

A: Heh, how about Dominik Rey, or "I was once marketable, but I became an Eddie charity case, and my career got f***ed worse than the people affected by Hurricane Katrina were f***ed."

10) Invent the next great wrestling catchphrase. What is it?

A: "I might have no charisma, I probably don't have any ring skills, and I can't garner a reaction from the crowd. However, I'm big and strong, and can say ROOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!."- Gene Snitsky, Test, Mike Knox, Chris Masters, Lashley, Batista, Great Khali, Daniel Rodhimer, Viscera. That quote is sooo great, because it works for multiple guys.

Thanks for asking me some questions Stephen. If I can insert a cheap plug, I wanna tell your listeners that NHB is posted every Thursday, on It's only 20-25 minutes long, and full of wrestling information. Listener participation really makes us thrive at MSR, so call up the quick take line at 206.202.TAKE, or post on the message boards if you like the show.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Playing the Bikini Schoolgirl Lumberjill Summer Lingerie Dance-off Poetry Reading Feud

I surveyed 50 pairs of boobs (mostly women's)...



The Swerved goes No Holds Barred?


For the last time, this is Go Fish. There is no second Instructions On How To Play Bridge card. Go fish, but you won't find another one. I'll tell you that much.

I.A.S. (Initials Are Super)

WWE loves their initials. As of this very moment, about one out of every one performers use some sort of abbreviation for their name or nickname. I don't see what's wrong with calling a person by their full moniker, but if you're going to present a bunch of letters together, they better sound good in sequence. Fortunately, the wrestling world is full of ingenuity, staying away from three-letter names such as ABC or QQQ. The WWE loves initials so much, they are a three-letter entity in and of itself. Also, the WWE proposed marriage to the concept of acronyms the other day. The decision is pending, but appears favourable.

Why are three-letter initials so prevalent in wrestling and the world in general? I guess it's because they're so fun to say...


Hey, look at that -- Xtreme Foosball League. I'm a creative genius. I bet it'd be funny if Vince McMahon created something with the name XFL, but instead of the players using a foosball, they'd use something like a football. Also, instead of foosball players, Vince would employ real football players. Isn't that something? Yeah, that's terrific. I'm laughing out loud at this idea. I'm also laughing in quiet.

Let me present to you some of wrestling's most infamous three-letter initials in the modern day:

RKO: Ar-Kay-Oh

Never has the initials of a human been so devastating. Randy Orton's full name is Randall Keith Orton; when you abbreviate his name, it becomes RKO; Randy Orton's finishing move is the RKO. Therefore, when Randy Orton defeats an opponent with the RKO, he's defeating the grappler with the essence of his being. Although one may perceive the RKO finisher as the "Randy Knockout," that phrase makes no sense at all. If it's not a technical knockout out, why would the knockout be randy? Why would a knockout be aroused?

Do you want to know why I'm not a professional wrestler? If I hit a person with the SKO (my "real" real name is Sontel Kontavious Orter), I would simply be attacking the man with letters. Because I am who I am, my name in Latin doesn't translate into an actual wrestling move. While I'm positive that I could hurt my opponent by throwing comically large S, K, and O letters at him, only the letter K has a 30% chance of wounding my adversary due to its jagged nature. Sadly, the S and O are smooth and childproof. On the other hand, because Orton is Orton, his name in Latin somehow means "Grab A Dude By The Neck, Then Jump, Then Fall Down". That's why he gets paid the big bucks and I'm stuck here... throwing letters at him.

JBL: Jibb-el

I've always thought John "Bradshaw" Layfield was a fantastic speaker of words. If his words could wrestle, his words would be whatever the textual equivalent of Chris Benoit is. Thankfully, he has found his niche as the colour commentator on Friday Night Smackdown with Michael Cole. While JBL excels at the English language, Michael Cole does not. If Michael Cole's words could wrestle, his words would be whatever the textual equivalent of Michael Cole is.

Way back when JBL was wrestling and jiggling his way to the top of WWE, his persona gave birth to many ingenious moniker parodies. There was a time when I thought wrestling signs with the words "Just A Big Loser" were clever. After the 10,000th instance I saw the sign in the audience, I changed my mind. Today, the trend still hasn't stopped; I have to remind myself that if these fans couldn't hold up such signs, they would be displaying signs with "Cena" and "John Cena" instead. I'm very happy that they know a wrestler's name, but would it kill them to be a tad more creative? Sometimes when I see a sign that simply says, "Batista", I feel the need to add words beneath the name to make the sign more dynamic:

Possibility Uno: Batista is Coming
Possibility Dos: Batista is Here
Possibility Tres: Batista Just Left (You Missed Him When You Bought Those Nachos) [Maybe He'll Come Back If He Wants Some of Your Nachos]

I have never been successful changing a stranger's sign at a WWE live event, but that's probably because I always forget to bring a marker. I end up attempting to change a fellow fan's sign by eating a blue popsicle, then using my tongue to write. I am 0 for 234 attempts.

HHH: Huh-Huh-Huh

I'm often saddened when I watch an old tape involving the Greenwich Snob Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I grew up with that version of Hunter and I am unwilling to let that period of my life go. When I see him today in all of his stringy-haired, wrinkly-foreheaded, H-y, H-esque, H-ish glory, I yearn back to a time when Paul Levesque had a spring in his step and a ribbon securing his ponytail. Where did the ribbon go, Triple H? Did you lose it? When you lost it, did you lose your sense of wonder and whimsy too? For shame, Hunter. Let's get ready to suck the life right out of a young man's childhood -- my childhood.

I'm sure Triple H hated playing that character, but I loved it. I never met a person from Greenwich, nor a Hunter or a Hearst or a Helmsley, but if I did, I think I'd be pretty disappointed if the man, woman, or child didn't neatly fold his or her red coat first before gracefully bowing to me. I don't know about you, but if someone I just met did that for me, I'd probably take a bullet for him or her. It would be a bullet made out of a Flintstones chewable, but a bullet nonetheless.

Y2J: Why-Tew-Jay

Chris Jericho's World Wrestling Federation debut in 1999 was a lovely one. There was a countdown, the lights went out, his name appeared amongst footage of busy streets and a scantily glad woman leaping. Soon enough, he showed up with a pineapple-tail (akin to a ponytail, but on top of the head, rather than at the back), which bewildered The Rock. "Pineapples are strictly for juice and sometimes pizza," said The Rock in a memorable moment I made up in mind this very sentence.

Jericho was deemed The Millenium Man and I agreed because historians determined that the beginning of the 21st century was the "C'MON, BAY-BAY!" time period where man put one foot on the defeated 20th century while flexing in a cheesy manner.

Though, I never understood what Chris Jericho's initials stood for...

1) Y2J = Year Two Jericho? (What unit of measurement is a Jericho? Would it be like half of a nanometer? I'm no not good at the geometry.)
2) Y2J = Year To Jericho? (I did not know the year belonged to him. Would he mind if I used some of that year? I simply want to borrow it. I'll bring it back if he needs it. When another year goes on sale, I'll buy it, but I need to use that year now.)
3) Y2J = Year too, Jericho. (Whenever Chris would walk into a room, his first question would be, "So, 1984 is just a novel by George Orwell, right?" Soon after, somebody would correct him by saying, "Year too, Jericho." It makes sense to me, but I bet it'd throw a few people off.)

RVD: Rob-Van-Dam

These three letters made Extreme Championship Wrestling what it was in the mid to late 1990's. The first thing I think about when I hear the name ECW is Rollerjam on The Nashville Network. If ECW is mentioned once more, I think RVD, but those jammers sure knew how to roll. Don't you forget it.

Like JBL, many signs have parodied Rob's initials. One time, a fan held up a sign which read, "Rob has VD." When I saw that, I let out a chuckle. A second later, I furiously wrote a letter to Rob Van Dam, urging him to see a doctor about his terrible condition of the groin. Looking back, I'm glad I never sent that letter. I did what my life coach Mr. Kevin told me to do instead: I wrote that letter, sealed it in a fancy envelope, left it on my night stand, and thought about the decision before a productive fifteen hours of sleep. My life coach told me if I still felt the same the next morning, I could send the letter, but it turns out my feelings waned.

To this day, Rob Van Dam doesn't know he has a venereal disease. Even if the news of his condition is in jest, that's some sad fake news right there. I'm crying fake tears. In wrestling, fake tears are scripted tears. I am crying tears as per the script indicates.

This WWEek in Initials of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that the World Wrestling Federation, now the sports entertainment juggernaut known as WWE, had to change its name due to a young panda bear accidentally killing another panda bear with the letter F of the WWF logo?

A: Sure, but the E is just as deadly. If you stuck a stick in the side of the letter E, you would have made yourself a fine pitchfork.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Playing the Feud: 20 O'Seven

I surveyed 1 person who knows the opinion of 99 other people...


I take a look at wrestling's three-letter names. Also, I eat a lot of muffins. I just thought you should know.


I choose my entrance number for this year's Royal Rumble. I got the pound sign. Maybe I should pick again.

The Swerved Recordings: Samoa Joe

Professional wrestling is a peculiar beast. Feuds fueled by hatred and instances of betrayal are settled inside of a springy, elevated board of wood with elastic ropes around it. Winners are determined by a referee, who may or may not have a part-time gig at Foot Locker, counting to three on a mat of dried man-sweat. Private conversations backstage are televised to millions to... make them more private? I'm not entirely positive why wrestling is so popular yet looked down upon by distinguished gentleman who wear two monocles at once, but I guess that is just the nature of the beast.

Though, perhaps I may introduce the haters to the power of music as a means to sway their opinions to the right. They may prefer to indulge in nothing but the classical, like Johann Sebastian Bach or JoJo, but have they ever heard the audible joy of TNA wrestling extraordinaire Samoa Joe? Is that a no? That's what I thought.

To the surprise of many, Samoa Joe is about to bring wrestling fans and wrestling "pans" (those who pan the sport) to their knees with his debut LP. Welcome to the marriage of two of the greatest things to ever be associated with each other -- professional wrestling and bees. Could I bee any more serious? Yes.

This 2007, get ready for Samoa Joe's "None of Joe Beeswax".

Samoa Joe takes us into the underbelly of the one of the world's most dangerous professions: beekeeping. In TNA, Joe may be able to defeat the biggest and toughest of competitors, but is his will to dominate any match for the grandiose power of the lowly worker bee? Witness Joe weave an incredible tale of man versus bee interaction. Let the ultimate battle commence. Can the Kokina Clutch defeat That Stinger Stuck on Your Left Arm That You Forgot To Take Out? This album will lay it all out for you.

What do the critics say? The buzz on this album is tremendous:

"A perfect mix of the isle of Samoa and an insect that is always buzzing around my plate at a barbeque. Get the hell away from me, you damn bee. I'm trying to eat my steak here. Ah, now he's on my hat." - WWE's Jim Ross

"Pele." - Don West

"If I were a beekeeper, and a wrestling fan, I would totally pimp this s*** out." - Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton

"I'm using a stack of these CDs as an artificial peg leg. It works okay." - Zach Gowen

"To bee or not to bee? There is no question." - Sir Todd Grisham

"Bee-autiful and un-bee-lievable. This album will make you want to B.Y.O.B. -- Bee Your Own Bee" - Punny Pun Pun Punman-Wong

"I don't know what you're talking about, Stanley." - Old Man Petersen Down the Road

"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." - Faulty Intercom

Samoa Joe - None of Joe Beeswax: Track Listing

1. Joe Honey, Joe Problems
2. Comb Alone
3. A Bee Will Sting You, Then It Will Die (Because It Does Not Think Long-Term)
4. Yellow and Black Attack
5. Queen Bee Trifling
6. Muscle BuSting
7. One, Two, Three, Four, Hive
8. Samoan Elvis Presley and The Amazing Technicolour Beekeeper's Uniform (Part 1)
9. Towel Round My Nectar
10. Honey on Pancakes is Weird
11. Make You Bumble
12. Proboscis Take Yo Flower
13. Wing It
14. Along Came Pollen
15. Samoan Elvis Presley and The Amazing Technicolour Beekeeper's Uniform (Part 2)

It's Samoa Joe in your face. It's friggin' bees all up in your biddness. What more could you ask for?

Samoa Joe - "None of Joe Beeswax"
Produced by The Swerved Recordings
In stores very, almost, very, almost, very soon.

This Week in Samoan Josephs of the Week:

Q: Did you know TNA's Samoa Joe, former X-Division Champion and internet darling, used to sport an impressive beard of bees, yet shaved it off due to the insistance of Dixie Carter and TNA Management?

A: Absolutely. When you represent a company, you need a clean-cut, friendly appearance. Plus, Samoa Joe's girlfriend, Los Angeles Olga, says the beard itches.