Monday, December 18, 2006

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 8th

Last Ride (to Oatmealville) Match
Mr. Kennedy vs. Quaker Man



I gather some oats
Till it gets really oaty
My bowl is so much better that way
I'm gonna mess with your meal
Cuz I know that I can
Gonna see how much warm breakfast I can make and take

Gonna slurp gonna chomp
Gonna go spoon to mouth
But I'll wait cause it's too hot
I'd like to have some but it's too hot

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Why, it's Christmas Day, mister. Go have fun and celebrate the birth of Rudolph.


I hope that's egg in my nog. I don't trust the carton.

Pro-Con Marathon

Wrestling personalities are not perfect. When it comes down to it, wrestlers are just regular people trying to make an unorthodox living in this crazy world. They somersault out of bed like the rest of us, and put their pants on one arm at a time, like a lot of us. In lieu of a toothbrush, they will not brush their teeth with gold doubloons akin to the habits of the wealthy. Instead, they will construct their own toothbrush out of a small twig and a collection of stray cat hairs. While these beings may be dubbed Superstars by such wrestling companies as World Wrestling Entertainment, these wrestlers have many a flaw.

Although there are negatives to each and every one of them, they carry positive traits as well. Do you want to find out the good and bad of the sports entertainers of the day? Of course you do, but I'm tired. I'm going to my bungalow. I'll be back soon.

Just kidding. I don't have a bungalow. See, if I was featured on the following list, my lack of a bungalow would go in the 'CON' pile. Understand? You learn something new every day. You can thank me later, but for now, let's take a gander at this here list. Like the genius Shelton Benjamin says, prepare to be edgemaclated.

Carlito (RAW)

Carlito has been with Maria, Trish Stratus, and Torrie Wilson. What kind of list is he trying to complete here? Is it some kind of perverted version of Victoria's list?

+ Hair defies gravity.
+ 20 side-revolutions in suspension per leap into air.
+ Strong velocity of saliva.

- Has never tried oranges.
- Cracks backs (part-time, unlicensed chiropractor).
- Strong dislike for people who are warm.

Rob Van Dam (ECW)

Mr. Monday Night became Mr. Thursday Night, then Mr. Monday Night again before transforming into Mr. Tuesday Night. How indecisive of him. I bet that's why there is no Mrs. Monday/Thursday/Tuesday night, at least in storyline.

+ Educated legs have just received their Masters degree.
+ Does not use chairs in the conventional way.
+ Could point his thumbs to others, but chooses to point to himself.

- Posterior sweat.
- Enemy is oregano.
- Wears airbrushed Long Johns in the winter.

Michael Cole (Smackdown)

Michael Cole... to the skull.

+ Is a human.
+ Clearly aware of objects in front of him, such as a large desk.
+ Uses mouth to speak.

- Not this way! Not this way! Damnit!
- Oh my!
- Uses mouth to speak.

Paul Heyman (ECW/Nothing)

Vince McMahon loves Paul Heyman so much, he sent him home early so Paul could get a head start on his Christmas/Hanukkah shopping. If Paul is reading this, Vince wants a suit, but an entirely new suit that has no relation to the more extreme suit you gave him many Christmases ago. Also, it should be nothing like the suit you presented to him at Suit's One Night Stand.

+ Magical skullet grants wishes aplenty for the unfortunate.
+ Has a backstage pass to the ECW logo apparently. I can't even get into that logo.
+ Gorilla suit doubles as 2000 era Albert/A-Train Halloween costume.

- Appeared in Rollerball.
- Discarded convenient luxury of a "Zack Morris" cellular phone.
- Lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the... floor.

Abyss (TNA)

To set the record straight, Abyss is not a ripoff of Kane, nor is he an inadequate copy of Mankind. Although, if you close one eye and squint the other, he's a dead ringer for a masked Rosie O'Donnell.

+ Popularized the Black Hole Slam, which is quite the infamous maneuvre in several male prisons.
+ Does not wear a mask to hide a disfigurement, but to smell some of that Febreeze air freshener he just sprayed on the mask's interior. It smells nice. When he wears the Febreeze mask, he's donning a constant reminder of why life is beautiful on his face.
+ Billed as 6'8", realistically 6'4", but actually 13 feet tall if you stack a fake Abyss on top of a real Abyss.

- Forever holds a broken chain as he tries desperately to find out who took his banana seat bicycle.
- Aggressive streak triggered by a manager who presses an imaginary button. Let me flick this imaginary switch here and see what happens. Oh crap. Abyss just started baking cupcakes. Ah man, they're vanilla.
- Hoards bags of thumbtacks, depriving bulletin boards of much needed life purpose.

Batista (Smackdown)

When Batista wears a suit, I think, "This guy is a superstar." When I watch him wrestle, I say "Hey, look at the guy in the front row with a cell phone in his hand. Is he saying hello to me? I don't think I know him. Wait, did I go to elementary school with that guy? Is that Bertram? Was it Bertram or Bernard? I know it's something with a B. Oh, now the man next to him is on the phone. Hold on, I think I saw that man in a restaurant once. I remember that he ate a lot of shrimp. Was it shrimp or crayfish? His haircut is familiar too. Oh, it was shrimp. That restaurant was good. Is he sporting a bowl cut?"

+ Invisible machine gun will come in handy in the upcoming battle against invisible zombies.
+ Shakes ropes to detect durability of ropes.
+ Has asthma, like other wild and scary animals who have respiratory problems.

- Named his finisher The Batista Bomb, which is the same move he utilizes when he has the runs.
- Has an abundance of shirts, but still wears a women's tanktop, popularized by such figures as Shawn Michaels and Shad from Cryme Tyme.
- Invisible machine gun no match for actual gun, let alone a Nerf gun.

The Boogeyman (Smackdown)

The Boogeyman was fired, but now he is hired. There goes WWE's acquisition of a billion oversized alarm clocks.

+ Uses only two moves so there is enough moves to go around for the other wrestlers during the holidays.
+ Singlehandedly supports the worm retail industry.
+ Wooden staff of smoke is great tribute to promiscuous girls everywhere who constantly smoke wooden staffs.

- Is, more often than not, coming to get me.
- Stole Darth Maul's makeup kit from his vanity cabinet.
- Absence of teeth encourages rude slurping at the dinner table.

Jim Cornette (TNA)

Mid-Southern accent about old-school wrestling and companies I've never heard of. Mid-Southern accent with passive-aggressive commentary about people he dislikes. Mid-Southern accent with big eyeglasses.

+ Amount of anger towards Vince Russo can be generated into electric power for the benefit of a large town or small city.
+ Could pose as my high school science teacher and get away with it. Sodium and chlorine makes Chlorium Soride. Thanks, Teach.
+ Tennis racket.

- Will not buy a cheeseburger with today's pricing because he refuses to forget the days when you could purchase a burger, a large drink, a basket of fries, and a moonpie with 1) half of a penny, or 2) the bartering of a pristine beaver pelt.
- Managed the Midnight Express, but not the Late Afternoon Express. I don't take kindly to those who have a grudge against 3:00 to 4:00pm PST/EST.
- No tennis balls.

Gregory Helms (Smackdown)

I don't blame Gregory Helms for his bad attitude. I would be mad too if I lost my mild-mannered reporting job at the Daily Globe. Where my dental benefits at, bitches?

+ Says his name at the beginning of his entrance theme to dispel rumours of his name change to Luscious Q. Rockefeller.
+ Cruiserweight Championship doubles as a backup hot plate when exposed to the hot sun for 10-15 minutes
+ Gregory is the ultimate wrestling name, followed by Voldemort.

- When dropping "The Hurricane" persona, refused to downgrade himself to "The Tropical Disturbance".
- Forever hurt the livelihood of the Hamburglar. Shoot. Hamburglar gots kids to feed.
- Shining Wizard has no connection to my idol -- The Shiny Wizard.

Kurt Angle (TNA)

If you are paying close enough attention, the Kurt Angle of the modern day sounds nothing like the Kurt Angle of the WWF from 1999 to 2000. I know battery acid is delicious, but why Kurt why?

+ If you think about it, participated in bouts likely to be found on anybody's Top 10 WWE Matches of All-Time List. For instance, Kurt Angle versus Maria was pretty spiffy.
+ "It's real, it's damn real!" is a good catchphrase because I was convinced it wasn't real at first, but when he aggressively said it was real a second time, I was more inclined to accept the notion in theory. I'd be also swayed if spoke to me in the nature of "Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny Mother****er!"
+ Every time he hurts his neck, an angel gets its wings. As of this moment, every angel in heaven has 8 pairs of wings.

- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Samoa Joe: Angle tries to fight off Joe, who believes Angle's Olympic gold medal is made out of chocolate.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Daniel Puder: Instead of a shootfight, Puder and Angle engage in a turned-based strategy battle. Angle will use Argon 4 Spell Casting with Xephor Knight Armor, while Puder will employ his Zumoron Staff of the Almighty with 120 Healing Potential. Wait for the hit, wait for the hit. Okay, it's your turn.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Kurt Angle:
Kurt must answer the question "Does Kurt Angle wrestle in the ring, or is the ring wrestling Kurt Angle?"

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 7th

Inferno Match
Kane vs. The Green Ranger

Go, go childhood memories!
Go, go childhood memories!
Go, go childhood memories!
Mighty Morphin' childhood memories!

Don't go Isaac Yankem!
Don't go Isaac Yankem!
Don't go Isaac Yankem!
Mighty Morphin' Isaac Yankem!

The Question:
Who wins and how?



It's the last edition of The Swerved for the year 2006 .


To be topically comedic, I will toboggan down a snowy hill, screaming "Wii!" all the way to the bottom.

The Interviewerved: The Wrestling Professor and I

Last time, I delved deep into the mind of The Wrestling Professor. When it was all said and done, I uncovered diamonds of truth from the African mines of his brain. This week, he delves deep into me. I'm so glad that the previous sentence didn't come off as dirty. Even if it did, can't a man ask another man about his thoughts and feelings without the process coming off as effeminate? Come on, people. Keep it together...

No, I don't mean "keep" "it" "together". Every last one of you sicken me, but do enjoy part two of two of The Interviewerved with The Wrestling Professor.



"...I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something." -Myself on the fighters of the UFC

Stephen Rivera: Statistics.
-Current owner/writer of The Swerved.
-Former writer of
-If asked, will jump start your car without the need for jumper cables, or a car.
-Finishing Move: juggles with his opponent’s limbs (still attached).

10 Questions

#1: Rivera. That’s a Hispanic name, isn’t it? Yet you’re from Canada. Please explain your ethnicity, your cultural roots, languages spoken, bones broken, when she awoken, who you jokin’, and how you feel about Hoboken.

S: If you ever see me in person, you'll scratch your head, neck, left arm, and hamstrings in confusion. Also, try not to fall in love with me right away, because that happens a lot and I hate having to refuse people's advances. Yes, Rivera is a Hispanic name, but I'm of Spanish and Asian heritage, yet I was born in Canada. Because of the fantastical school system, I can speak English and even some French. If I'm ever lost in France, I can easily ask people where the nearest bathroom is or if I can use their pencil crayons near the window. Finally, I am indifferent to Hoboken because I assume that is a magical dreamland of Hobos named Ken. I've never been there, so...

#2: The Swerved is your baby, just like the Armpit was my baby. With all this baby-making going around, one has to ask: When it comes to The Swerved, who is the mother?

S: I don't know. I just don't know. Can a single man trying to make it in the city raise a website all by himself? This fall on FOX, get ready for a brand new drama one guy and a bird are raving about. "At Your Swervice" starring Stephen Rivera... with Howie Mandel as the voice of the website.

#3: Managing people is a risk. When it comes to your tenure at the Armpit, how would you describe your experience?

a) WP was a controlling, fanatical boss who demanded, and got, my blood.
b) WP was a laid back boss, lax on deadlines and easy on rules.
c) WP didn’t know if I was dead or alive, and never thanked me once for busting my ass (for no pay, mind you) for his stupid site that no one read.
d) WP kept me down, put a glass ceiling over my head, and kept himself in the main events.
e) Other (please explain)
S: WP was a kitchen appliance, consisting of a container housing interchangeable, rotating, steel blades, used for the preparation of various foods by shredding, slicing, chopping, or blending. Oh, wait -- are you The Wrestling Professor, or The Food Processor?

#4: You’re the funniest wrestling columnist I’ve ever read. Having said that, I’ve never read Linda McMahon’s columns, so I should put an asterisk in front of that statement. What spurs your humor, and who are your comedic influences?

S: I thank you. To show my gratitude, I will knit you a sweater of hopes or dreams. It's just one out of the two, though.

I've always looked at the world around me in this weird, observational way; I just don't always express my thoughts because a lot of the time, they have nothing to do with anything. Friends and loved ones know I'm actually this crazy, but in a work setting, or a classroom setting, I'm fairly normal and bland.

I can't explain my mindset exactly, but I can give you an example of how I perceive the world -- when the 2000 Presidential Election was taking place, Al Gore and George Bush utilized "entrance music" whenever they appeared at campaign rallies. Whenever someone was watching a rally, I'd mute the television and give the candidates alternate music (I'd sing/hum it). Al Gore came out to
"You Can Do It (Put Ya Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube. George W. Bush appeared with Laura to "Superthug" by Noreaga ... because aren't we all superthugs in the end? In this situation, I imagined the Republican supporters in the audience dancing in the crowd chanting the "WHAT! WHAT!" parts of the song. I sincerely believe that if US Presidential elections were really like that, everyone would be interested in politics.

Some of my biggest influences are shows like Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The Simpsons for their excellent mix of smart and dumb humour; I'm also a big fan of The Office, Scrubs, and Eddie Murphy's entire tenure on Saturday Night Live. Some say I'm Monty Python-like, but I could never get into that show. This may be blaspemous for me to say, but I find that type of humour too random for random's sake. Some stand-ups I really love are Mitch Hedberg (RIP), Bob Newhart, Jim Gaffigan, Demetri Martin, and Maria Bamford. Check out their stuff and you'll know understand my oeuvre better.

#5: Like many wrestling fans, I’m spending a lot more time and money on UFC and PRIDE. Do you, Stephen Rivera, watch and approve of MMA? If so, what are your thoughts? If not so, then what are your thoughts? If maybe so, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not thinking at all, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not breathing and don’t have a pulse at the moment, what are your thoughts?

(Note to self: Wait for Stephen to answer, and then after he writes 3 words, say “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE.” Ok? Don’t forget.)

S: What the who what where why when whom? You and fancy words are fancy and all that razzmatazz. Are you a warlock?

I like MMA, but in the end, it's wrestling (albeit legitimate), even if Dana White and the UFC deny it. Plus, if somebody watches it for the first time, I wouldn't be surprised if he or she thinks it's more "gay" than professional wrestling. To use blatant, ignorant judgement here, MMA is two guys in a match touching and slamming each other for real. For most of the bout, they're trying to jockey for position on top of the other (in a missionary sense). Most of the time, it looks like they're hugging and don't want to let go. At the end of the day, I enjoy the sport. Also, I am heterosexually attracted to Rachelle Leah.

The biggest problem the UFC has is the lack of personality. The only people I care about are the big names. Others have nicknames like "The Athlete", or "The Professional", or "The Adult Male". They need to better differentiate the fighters, unless the fighters are exactly the same in appearance and demeanor. If that's the case, I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something. Buff Bagwell was one of favourite wrestlers in WCW because of his mystical power of top hattery.

#6: Rate the following Canadians and French Canadians on a Homosexuality Scale of 1 to 10. 1 means not gay at all, 10 means flaming, and numbers in between represent varying degrees of back-door entry accessibility. Feel free to include comments on any or all of these men.

Bret Hart: 9 - He is Bret "The Hitman" Hart. That means he "hits men". Oh, that's intercourse with fellows. The fact that he wore pink wrestling attire has nothing to do with his score on the scale. You see, I know a guy who wears polka dots, and he doesn't make love to men; he makes love to the beautiful night sky.

Chris Benoit: 9 - He is known as "The Rabid Wolverine". Wolverines like fashion.

Bobby Roode: 5 - He wishes to be called Robert. I don't know if that makes him more or less homosexual.

Jacques Rougeau: 2 - Who, The Mountie? His shock stick brings all the boys to the yard, but that's just because it's a cool weapon. It's probably better than yours too, but that's neither here nor there.

Sylvan: 1 - Pat Patterson has the wonderful tenderness of a large, eastern European woman.

Rene Dupree: 7 - Extremely-almost-fully homosexual. Absent of Fifi, but still.

Chris Jericho: 2 - When he had a goat beard, he appeared more feminine to me. Good thing he doesn't now.

A1: 10 - Gayer than Tabasco sauce.

Petey Williams: 8 - He's called Petey rather than Pete, which suggests he is the beyotch of his relationships.

Scott D’Amore: 6 - Could be a lumberjack. Body fit for flannel.

Sirelda: 0 - I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, my afraidness is afraid.

Eric Young: 3 - Appears confused. Maybe he's bi-curious.

Edge: 9 - He has long flowing hair. Plus, he has one name, like Cher, or Edge.

Christian: 7 - He has peeps. I think that's some sort of man-on-man disease.

#7: You’re granted immunity from one murder and one murder only. You can choose to kill a real terrorist like Osama bin Laden, or choose someone who betrayed your country like Earl Hebner. Given this free pass, who would you kill and why?

S: Musician/actor/dancer/ghetto etymologist Nick Cannon. He's both a real terrorist and a betrayer of all that is decent in life.

#8: Pretend you’ve grown The Swerved into a multi-million dollar, Fortune 50 company with offices all throughout North America. You’re the CEO and oversee 50,000 employees. You discover your CFO has embezzled $10 million, and as a result, your company is near bankruptcy. Assuming your level of MMA expertise is greater than your CFO’s, how would you punish this person?

a) Fists and fury. You and he in the octagon until one man surrenders.
b) In the courtroom, where you can Court-TV his ass.
c) 50 straight days of listening to K-Fed’s new CD.
d) 100 straight days of watching SmackDown, on mute.
e) 10 straight hours of “All Hail King Booker” clips, with the Mute button taken away.
f) 3 weeks of watching the never-before-seen XXX-rated sex tape of Bastion Booger and Bertha Faye.
g) 5,000 straight questions of obscure 90s wrestling references like the one I just wrote above.
h) Distributing leftover copies of the Armpit at a women’s prison, wearing a shirt that says, “Women are b*tches, b*tches are women. Now blow me.”
i) Grading Vince Russo’s high school essays, one by one, line by line, word by word.
j) Fighting Chuck Liddell, in the nude.
k) 80 straight hazing rituals conducted by Bob Holly, JBL, and Hugh Morrus.
l) Watching WCW Halloween Havoc ’92 over and over until he foams at the mouth.
m) Other (please explain).
S: Fists of fury, in the courtroom, listening to K-Fed's CD, with Smackdown in the background, full of "All Hail King Booker" clips, with the Booger-Faye tape queued up, which will present an obscure 90s wrestling reference, when we hand out Armpit newsletters to women in prison, taking a moment to grade Vince Russo's essays, before he wrestles Chuck Liddell in the nude, with Holly, JBL, and Morrus hazing both of them, as they are about to watch Halloween Havoc '92. Also, I will steal the cookies from the cookie jar. Who me? Yeah me. Couldn't be.

#9: Your mother, father, grandparents, siblings, best friend, wife, Jimbo, Brad Ravlin, Traci Brooks, and the Wrestling Professor are all stranded with you on a boat. It’s apparent you’re lost at sea, and you’ll be damned if you’re not the last to die. You have to throw everyone overboard at a rate of one person per day, until you’re the last one. In what order would you toss them over, and why?

S: First to go would be my grandparents, because they are the oldest and can use their wisdom to pull themselves out of the water and build a boat made entirely of wiseness. Next, they would use the winds of wisitivity to get to shore.

Second to go would be my siblings, because I'll never forgive them for that time they jammed my finger in the car door. To this day, my finger is still in that door.

Traci Brooks would go next, because she'd be able to float on water due to her ample swimming skills. Big, round swimming skills.

Brad would volunteer to go next to follow Traci.

Fifth to go would be my mother as she tries to find the 1,294,487th possession she has misplaced.

Sixth to go would be my father as he ventures to argue with my mother about the location of her misplaced posession.

Next would be Jimbo. I have nothing against Jimbo, but what if I rested my favourite rake against him... and he let that rake fall to the ground?

My best friend would go next to find a place that will repair my rake. He's cool like that.

With my (hypothetical) wife and the Wrestling Professor left, I'd turn on my wife and rip my shirt, revealing a "WPWO" (Wrestling Professor World Order) shirt. As you and I celebrate my defection to your stable, I'd turn on you and throw you over the side. Then, I'd rip that shirt, revealing my "WWO" (Wife World Order) shirt. As my wife and I lovingly embrace, I'd turn on her again and rip my shirt, but then I'd discover I am out of shirts. I would then throw myself overboard because I just wasted three shirts. A man who wastes three shirts, but is unable to waste a fourth, has no right to a prosperous life.

#10: There is no #10. HA, you were swerved! A taste of your own medicine, at last! Your response:

I c wat u did thair. U maik mee laff. You are so funny, I laugh backwards: AH AH AH AH AH A--You know what, WP?! I challenge you to a match on the grandest stage of them all. I'll see you at Cyber Sunday, buddy.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Goofus and Gallant and Wrestling Again

Click images to enlarge


Next Week:

The Wrestling Professor Swerves Me?


I will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber Deduction Alcove.

The Interviewerved: The Wrestling Professor

Welcome to what I hope to become a new and successful feature for this blog. You've seen interviews on numerous sites which tout great guests and insider information. Well, I have both, but in the opinion of the naysayers, I have none. To those naysayers I say this: nay to what you say. You see, my interview style is drastically different from everyone else's. My questions are so fascinating and in-depth that I truly believe I get down to the core of the interviewee, not unlike a kid trying to gain information from an owl while eating a Tootsie Pop. While this is but the first of many editions of my interview-counterview segment, I know for a fact that this is the beginning of something amazing. Take a snapshot of this inaugural article for this is a moment that will live in infamy. It's just like that time I saw The Undertaker throw Mankind off of the Hell in a Cell, or that time I saw Honey I Blew Up The Kid. Spoiler alert: that kid becomes way bigger than before.

If you or someone famous you know would like to participate in The Interviewerved, feel free to contact me. If you do become a fan of the segment but do not wish to be a part of a future edition, please spread the word. The more exposure the site receives, the more content the site will have. For the price of a cup of coffee per day, you can give The Swerved and its fellow villagers a clean source of drinking water and a proper education. Now, who wouldn't want that?



" bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N' Beans"
-The Wrestling Professor on The Armpit Newsletter... and the digestive system of Goldust's father

The Wrestling Professor: Statistics
-Former owner/writer of
-Former owner/writer of
-When provoked, will fix many a wagon
-Finishing Move: quits, re-starts the site, quits again, re-starts again, and then quits again

10 Questions

#1: "The Wrestling Professor" is a moniker of great prestige, not unlike "The Ham Scientist". To the naked eye, one may misread the name as "Wrestling Professors", which would suggest that you wrestle liberal college professors, or that you are made up of a collection of professors stacked on top of each other to create one large sports entertainer, but to the fully-clothed eye, where does the name come from?

WP: Your first answer is much better than the real answer, because I’d love to beat up all the liberal college professors. Well, on second thought, I don’t even know what the real answer is because I’ve honestly forgotten why I chose that damn name. But I didn’t copy Mike Tenay, because who knew he was even called the Professor? Mike Tenay should instead be called the Most Patient Man on Earth. After all, the guy has to sit next to Don West all night and then put up with Vince Russo in booking meetings. The fact that he hasn’t snapped yet shows incredible restrain on his part. Me, I would’ve slapped the figure four on each of them and held on until their little chicken legs broke in half.

#2: The Armpit may be done, but the memories will last up to and including next week. What are some of your favourite moments from your monumental, influential, life-saving, wonderful, and curvaceous website?

WP: One thing I’ll miss is that one time I spent nearly $1,000 on starting the Armpit newsletter, and then it bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N’ Beans. Gosh, that was so much fun watching our hard earned money go down the garbage disposal as stacks and stacks of unread issues took up two-thirds of our 3-car garage.

Seriously, the only fun part was hearing from someone how our site made them laugh at work. That’s it. As you can certainly relate to, Mr. Rivera, we don’t get paid for this. Instead, we have to take satisfaction from doing what we love and knowing it affects somebody. Eventually, we then ask ourselves what the f*ck we’re doing, come to our senses, and just quit. Exhibit A: The Armpit.

#3: Life after The Armpit is tough; everyone associated with the website looked to be set for life. Sadly, the free bags of shredded cheese given to all columnists used to come to my door each and every month, but now only arrives once every two months. Today, what are you doing to keep yourself busy?

WP: First, the bags of shredded cheese will come less often. Second, the cheese will come solid, and you’ll have to shred it. Thirdly, we’ll send you milk that you have to process into cheese, and then shred. Finally, we’ll just send you cows to milk yourselves. After that, you’ll be lucky if we even keep your address.

Life without the Armpit has been great. It leaves more time to actually watch wrestling, and I no longer feel that self-induced pressure on Sunday nights to post the site and send out the quizzes. We’re remodeling our home and starting to enjoy life again. Aside from that, my new hobby is watching MMA. I never got that into it before, but I realize now that it’s more pro wrestling than pro wrestling is. For pro wrestling to be successful in 2007, it needs to start copying UFC.

#4: Let's get into the deep, dark crevices of your mind. Professional wrestling may be in incredible shape right now, what with the professional and the wrestling and what not, but what does it need to become a worldwide sensation once again?

a) The. Return of. Itchy Kidman.

WP: I think you’ll be seeing this in TNA soon. They’re already bringing back the Flock, and pretty soon Mr. Kidman will be without that salary from Ms. Wilson.

b) Wrestling angles which revolve around a murder mystery. The clues given consist of a sheet of sandpaper, a broken rubber band, and an exposed turnbuckle found on the crime scene.

WP: Wrestling copies CSI? Interesting idea, but bookers don’t have the ability anymore to make it intriguing.

c) Smackdown has The Fist. Therefore, on top of the RAW stage, there should be a gigantic steel kneecap. ECW on Sci-Fi should have a visual representation of a hangnail.

WP: TNA should one-up them and make enormous statues of cold sores.

d) Some kind of mind control device in which humans can be manipulated to confuse WWE with the UFC.

WP: Unless Dana White forms his own Kiss My Ass club, it ain’t happenin’.

#5: John Jacob Jingleheimer Holy Schmidt. What are some of your favourite and least favourite spots in wrestling? For instance, I personally enjoy it when a wrestler is so afraid of another wrestler that he/she tries to leave the ring, but cannot because the ring has somehow activated an invisible, inescapable force field.

WP: That spot always perplexed me too. Some other favorites of mine:

-A guy does a flying body press, and the victim stands there like an idiot for 30 seconds waiting for him. Logic says he’d just move out of the way, but there is no room for logic in wrestling.
-Ref bumps. After all these years, you’d figure promoters would always have at least one extra ref on hand to immediately jump in if one goes down.
-The Angle Slam. It’s just a light bump, and we’re supposed to believe it’s going to finish off Samoa Joe?
-Countouts, foreign objects, DQ’s, or any other false finish. Just so lame.
-Liquid falling from the top of the arena into the ring. Can you imagine this happening in UFC? Or football? Well, okay, unless it was the XFL.
-I better stop, or this list will go on forever.

#6: You are walking on the beach with Jesus Christ, yet you see a single set of footprints in the sand. Who is carrying whom in a match between yourself and the Lord? (Super Bonus Love Sex Angel Music Sex Question: How many stars would Dave Meltzer give your match?)

WP: I’d be carrying him, after knocking him out cold for cursing me with such small height, low weight, lack of muscle, and curly hair. I am blessed with a great wife and a great life, but that’s mostly due to luck and hard work, not the Lord.

Oh, and Meltzer wouldn’t rate it, because he doesn’t rate shoots.

#7: Recently, TNA has gained the services of arguably the most talented, gifted, and angry-and-red-while-sweating-and-shaking grappler in wrestling history -- Kurt Angle. Let's say Kurt Angle was a name createdand owned by World Wrestling Entertainment. What name would Kurt go under in Total Nonstop Action?

WP: Choices may include, but are not limited to:
- The Liar
- Kirk Angel
- Samoa Kurt
- Chuck Liddell’s Bitch
- Daniel Puder’s Punching Bag
- C*nt (who would team with Spike Dudley in the incredible tag team known as Runt & C*nt)
- Kurt Angel (pronounced “On-Hell,” pretending to be Latino and the newest member of LAX)
- The Suppository (forming a new group called Ex-LAX, to feud with LAX)
- False (he’d team with Truth (Ron Killings), and hand out True/False quizzes before each match)
- Kurt Jarrett (to ensure a push)
- Kurt Roode (to ensure a burial)
- G.H. Styles (which stands for “Growth Hormone” Styles, and he’d team with A.J. Styles, which will stand for “Anabolic Juice” Styles)
- K-Kurt (named after K-Fed, the hottest heel in wrestling)

#8: According to weekly television, WWE Live Events are amazing. People in lines scream a lot, wrestlers often hug grabby crowds, foreign fans have signs with a wrestler's name on them, but most of all, arena lighting consists of half of a candle and a dying glowstick. What is the worst experience you've had at a wrestling event?

WP: Anytime you’re almost burned to death, it’s a bad experience. I’m referring to the ECW Arena event in November of 1995 in which Terry Funk caught on fire. As Mick Foley tried to put him out, the fire spread to my section of the building. Everyone bolted for the exit, not knowing if Funk was dead or alive. I wrote about this extensively in one of my columns on the site, and you can read about it more in Mick Foley’s first book. Just a nightmare.

#9: The prices of gasoline and peppermint candies in our current society are as ridiculous as ever. Hollywood movie star and former WWE superstar Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson often referred to Stephanie McMahon as a two dollar floozy. In hindsight, was that actually a great bargain?

WP: Absolutely. If you paid $250 million for Stephanie, it’s still a bargain because you’d be keeping her away from the creative department. In her role as head of creative, she has cost the company far, far more than $250 million.

#10: For the curious reader out there (only one exists), what do you really think of The Swerved with Stephen Rivera? In particular, is there anything you'd like to see that hasn't been seen yet?

WP: I love it and consider it a travesty it’s not one of the top 5 viewed wrestling sites out there. Seriously. Everyone needs to spread the word, because The Swerved is comedic brilliance and a hidden gem. The only thing I’d like to see is for it to be a smashing success.

This Week in Wrestling Professor Questions of the Week:

Q: Did you know that The Wrestling Professor, creator of, is notoriously Fergalicious on Tuesdays and Sundays?

A: Does he have a license to be that Fergalicious?