Monday, July 26, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 95th

WWE Women's Championship Match
Layla (c) vs. Skipper Roberts

Sister, sister, sister
So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey
Even though our mouths don't open that way
Wall to no wall, storey to open storey
This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)

You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)
You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)

Ooh, these clothes are wool, tonight is cool
I'm feeling itchy, tell Mattel to manufacture a backscratcher soon
I'm dressed for a winter holiday, but where is the snow?
And how come there's only one black person we know?

Sister, sister, sister
So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey
Even though our mouths don't open that way
Wall to no wall, storey to open storey
This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)

You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)
You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Years ago, ECW and I had a One Night Stand. One year later, we had a second One Night Stand. After TNA's Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand, ECW is going to have to make a decision. Are we going to take this relationship to the next level or not?


Tell the devil he can go back from where he came. His fiery arrows drew their bead in vain.

Kid Play: Part 1

As most of you readers know, World Wrestling Entertainment and I have our disagreements. Sometimes, we settle our arguments with a mechanical bull riding competition. Other times, we fight to the death in a cage made of hate, but primarily steel. Despite our differences, we can always agree on one thing — children are great. You can't live with them, especially if you grabbed them off the playground and tried to raise them as your own. Also, you can't live without them, especially if you have forced them to financially support you by working as gophers in the Colombian drug trade.

Since kids are super cool, why should adult wrestling fans have all the WWE-related fun? Children love wearing black t-shirts featuring enormous and emotionless pictures of their favourite wrestlers on the front, too. The young ones enjoy attending autograph sessions to meet stars who enjoy feigning interest in them. When they're not visiting their local library to enrich their minds, these little lads and lasses can't get enough of reading obscure wrestling facts on the Internet. Thanks to WWE Kids, the promotion is beginning to understand that the entertainment needs of a child are as important as those of a grown man, woman, or person of androgynous persuasion.

Even though I am no longer a kid, I do remember what it was like living the carefree life of one. I remember such timeless activities as playing kickball on the field, picking up jacks in the alley, and setting up a clandestine lemonade stand in my parents' garage. Those sour fruit junkies sure dug their lemonade. They drank that lemonade until teeth started falling out of their mouths. Even then, they would continue to drink, using their remaining teeth to sift out any traces of pulp.

Using my life experiences as a regular, yacht club kid growing up in a gated community, I shall interact with WWE Kids's official website from a child's perspective. As I take off my analytic adult gloves, I shall put on my whimsical kid gloves and softly box the site to a no-decision. Afterwards, we will sip on the lemonade I made when I was younger. All I have to do is get in touch with my special flavour crystals supplier. I think his name was Skooter. He can hook me up with the good stuff. Capri Sun does not get the job done anymore.

Superstar Sayings

Who is this guy?

The Superstars page at seems fun at first, what with all the splatters and bright colours. Once you get underneath that surface, I think you'll be in for a surprise. When you get to the page, you have the option to hover your mouse over the picture of your favourite WWE Superstar and hear a sound bite. While some wrestlers have a snippet of their entrance theme, others come at you with a disturbing catchphrase. These are a few of the most offensive lines:

Undertaker: "And you will rest in peace."
Ted DiBiase: "We, uh, DiBiases... we have a habit of getting what we want."
Edge: "I am awesome."
MVP: "MVP. I'm half-man, half-amazing. I am better than you."
Cody Rhodes: "Cody. Rhodes."

I came to your site because I am child interested in WWE. When I arrive, I do not deserve death threats from a professional wrestler. I do not need to hear from people who are unsure or confused about their own identity either. You are not The Miz, Edge. I should not be belittled by an individual who is only 50% male. You are not CM Punk, MVP. That comment by Cody Rhodes is fine, though. I didn't know who he was until he told me. Other than that, I am so sad and mad right now.

You know, I could be doing something more productive with my time on the web. The other day, this 8th grader was in the school computer room. He turned on the computer and started watching a video of two girls in a bathtub without shirts, pants, or underwear. They were trying to clean each other with their body parts. I kind of want to see that because I don't like taking baths. You’re making me want to see that video more and more, WWE Kids. Maybe those girls have a solution to my problem. Maybe I should take my business elsewhere, you doo-doo heads.

In My Own Words... The About Me Page

This doesn't have enough "Your Mom" references. I have failed.

Have you ever wondered what your favourite WWE Superstars' farts smell like? Even if you haven't, you should know about the diverse toots of RAW and SmackDown talent. Not only do their farts give you a look into the lives of the stars themselves, but they can tell about what they love to eat. Since Chris Jericho's farts smell like roses and elderberries, he must enjoy eating inedible flowers and edible fruit from trees. Although, he will only eat them if he can correctly answer six out of ten questions about former U.S. Presidents in 60 seconds. If he can’t answer them in that time, the roses and elderberries will leave a conveyor belt and fall off a tall building.

The Superstar Questionnaire at shows a side of wrestlers that we rarely get to see on television. They may be larger-than-life personalities today, but yesterday, they were kids like us, sharing the same dream. Ever since we were born, you and I hoped to make millions, travelling the world while pretending to hate each other in our colourful briefs. Until we achieve that dream, I have filled out my own questionnaire. I know who I'm going to be. Who will you be?

The WWE Kids Calendar

July is National Parks & Recreation Month. If you have visited a park in the past few days, but did not do any recreational activities, you did not celebrate the month right. Try again.

Unlike, the WWE Kids website has a neat calendar full of reminders and facts. Apparently, living like an adult these past few years has made me miss several important holidays. Curse you, grown-up responsibilities. Nobody taught me how to successfully save my money. For weeks, I visited farms, searching for a pig with a slot on its back to hold my coins. Now that I have found my local bank, I feel as though I have wasted the better part of the month. I never got to commemorate the two-year-anniversary of Mark Henry bending a frying pan (July 15), or wish a happy 20th birthday to Harry Potter (July 23). Thanks a lot, WWE Kids.

With July ending and August about to begin, school is still out and us kids are looking for fun. In place of throwing the ball around or “accidentally” setting each other's siblings on fire, I will look at the WWE Kids Calendar for ideas. On July 28th, WWE Kids suggest we celebrate the 77th anniversary of the first singing telegram by singing to a friend. I don't know about you, but I think we have ourselves a wicked Wednesday. I will go get the lyric sheet to N.W.A.'s "F Tha Police." Once we got the song down, we can sing it a cappella style to passing police cars. The message of "F Tha Police" is to find the police and thank them for their many years of service to the community. Let’s do it.

WWE Television for Kids

Hold up, Triple H and The Undertaker. I am all for both of you entering the ring, but I'm not old enough to watch what you're doing next. I need an adult, or maybe two.

What is the difference between WWE television for adults and kids, you say? Based on the site, television for kids is made up of two things. The first thing is every wrestling entrance on RAW, SmackDown, NXT, ECW in the past five years. If you are a modern wrestler with two legs who can walk down a ramp on your own, you will be part of WWE Kids TV. Due to suggestive content and adult situations, the second thing is videos that require parental supervision. Moms and dads should watch WWE with us, but I doubt they will want to after reading the descriptions.

Due to his bicep injury, I'm glad Hunter Hearst Helmsley is keeping himself busy outside of the ring. On the other hand, I don't think he should be going around town like that. He shouldn’t be showing his doodad to boys and girls in MVP's "VIP Lounge," let alone on the web. Kids like me don't own clubs or anything, but I'm sure Triple H being there wouldn't be good for business. No grown up I know would say, "Here's something we can do this Saturday night. Let's go to that club where Triple is sledgehammering the air with his Prince of Princes." Gross.

This Issue

I knew it.

For kids without money to spend on magazines, they can pretend to read one by checking out a online preview. In the summer 2010 issue of WWE Kids Magazine, we will live out our second dream — seeing thumbprints made up to look like WWE Superstars. For years, I have wondered how the heads and torsos of Chris Jericho (“The Best in the World at What He Touches”), Sheamus (Smudgus), and Dolph Ziggler (Dolph Finger) would look like as thumbprints. Now that two out of two dreams have come true, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should do what Triple H does and reveal all to WWE Kids.

Also, WWE Kids Magazine have given us such rare treats as a photo gallery of today's best wrestlers. In this issue, we have visual proof that Cena is a wizard who loves the WWE Universe. At the same time, Edge is the ultimate opportunist who can keep himself balanced on the ropes at the perfect opportunity. In Newcastle, England, MVP has took a day off from managing the VIP Lounge due to Triple H violating healthy and safety codes. I think the health inspector wants a word with him.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Additions: The Underblader



Hitting Mark Henry with a plastic garbage bin and the garbage inside of it hurts him, but you know what it hurts more? Mother Nature.


Okay, we wrote this for a purpose, to motivate you at this time. With this hypnotizing bassline, please feel free to lose your mind.

Counter Attack

Randy Orton's RKO counter to Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press has left me speechless. Truly, I am so speechless that I have been unable to verbally communicate with my friends and family for the past week. In place of trying to express my thoughts and feelings through text, I have been reduced to speaking to them through move reversal.

If I counter a Shooting Star Press into an RKO, that means yes. If I counter a Shooting Star Press into a Shooting Star Press of my own, that means I'm thirsty. If I blink twice, that means nothing as that is not a wrestling counter. Maybe I should have thought this means of communication through, but it's too late now. My grandma — whose wrestling style is most similar to that of a technical brawler — already signed up for wrestling lessons to learn how to do the move. At this point, her deposit is non-refundable.

Wrestling counters have wowed audiences for decades, dramatically ending matches in the blink of an eye — which continues to have no meaning in my method of communication. In a time when older fans are constantly complaining about the predictability of WWE, quick counters are a way to add suspense and surprise to the viewing experience. The next time a fellow wrestling fan hates on WWE, quickly counter his hate into love. He must learn that witnessing a fast-paced, well-executed counter is like finding a Cheeto made of two Cheetos stuck together in a bag of Cheetos. He probably wasn’t expecting to receive such a gift, but he should grateful to get one in the first place.

This week, I will take a look at my favourite counters in professional wrestling. While some reversals involve gravity-defying acrobatics, others employ simple yet clever tactics to escape a hold. As much as I enjoy watching an intricate series of actions and reactions, a poke to the eye or rake to the back can suffice as well. On second thought, if the move that is being reversed is a poke to the back, I want nothing to do with it. A poke to the back is disrespectful, inconvenient, and may result in unwanted pregnancy.

Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle

You call it an athletic sequence of pin attempts between two talented cruiserweights. I call it "The Travelling Live Sex Celebration." Together, we can agree that a sequence of rolling inside cradles is a flashy, fun, and erotic form of entertainment for wrestling fans of any age. If you are a mother or father of curious children, do not bother trying to explain your intimate escapades to them. If they walk into your bedroom, tell them you're practicing Lucha Libre, figuring out who can cradle the other the best. Your English-speaking kids will think you're speaking gibberish. On the other hand, your illegitimate, Spanish-speaking kids will love it as much as they want you to love them.

Who is that woman? Where is Guadalupe, their real mother? Oh, those crazy, illegitimate children and their questions.

Side Effect -----> Counter Side Effect?

Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. Likewise, the counter to Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. To this day, I do fully understand what Matt Hardy's Side Effect accomplishes. Of course, the move can effectively incapacitate your opponent for a near-three count, but it does so at the expense of the executor's modern physical appearance.

As long as he is content with constantly looking like he is trapped in the late 1990s, I am happy for Matt Hardy and his Side Effect. He seems like such a good person. If he enjoys slamming his opponent back-first onto the mat while he himself slams his back onto the mat, more power to him. Now, let’s go listen to some New Radicals.

Jackhammer -----> Diamond Cutter

Halloween Havoc 1998 was a WCW Pay-Per-View event that proved two things. For one, the Pay-Per-View proved that giant ghouls love to show off their inflatable pumpkins to people. For two, the main event WCW Championship Match between Diamond Dallas Page and Goldberg proved that Billiam could get it done. When he was not blowing smoke out of his nostrils or abusing innocent lockers, he was more than capable of wrestling in a professional manner. On top of making his moves look good, he made the moves of others look good, too.

Most definitely, the sight of Page flawlessly countering Goldberg's Jackhammer into the Diamond Cutter is a fond wrestling memory of mine. Whenever I come across this match, I yearn for the return of World Championship Wrestling. I don't think I ever got closure on this Halloween Havoc business. That ghoul on the entrance ramp loved his pumpkin, but posters for the event made it seem as though he loved Slim Jims just as much. Which does he love more? Pumpkins or beef jerky? I need an answer, ghoul friend.

Springboard Something -----> Sweet Chin Music

In 2005, Shelton Benjamin looked to advance in the WWE Championship Gold Rush Tournament with a high-impact, springboard move. As he sprung himself from one end of the ring to the other, Shawn Michaels caught him in mid-air with the sweetest Sweet Chin Music in recent WWE history. At the time, I was like any other viewer, shocked and amazed by what I saw before me. Now that I have revisited the match, I am in awe of another aspect of the finish. Specifically, I want to know what move Shelton Benjamin was trying to do before eating said Superkick.

Some wrestling analysts believe that Benjamin was aiming to hit Michaels with a springboard clothesline. Although I see the springboard part of the move, I was not aware that a clothesline involves raising both hands in front of your face. Other wrestling fans insist that Shelton was looking to hit a double axe handle, but I disagree. Propelling yourself off the top rope to hit a double axe handle is like taking a fourteen-hour flight to China to buy groceries. From my observations, I conclude that this spectacular finish was initiated by Shelton showing Shawn his love for springboarding. Unfortunately, Michaels did not share Shelton’s passion for the activity.

Sweet Chin Music -----> Ball Punch

Before he was "The Viper" — acting like a snake who somehow injures himself while taunting — Randy Orton was "The Legend Testikiller." During a 2007 WWE Championship Match against Shawn Michaels, Orton executed a beautiful, legend-killing counter to Sweet Chin Music. As Michaels tuned up the band and lifted his leg, Randy drove his fist into the Heartbreak Kid's groin. Even though the blow did not put an end to his wrestling career, Shawn’s baby-making career was in jeopardy.

Three years later, Shawn's inability to reproduce drove him mad. Looking for an outlet to express his anger and frustration, he would take it out on the Undertaker — who only experienced slight groinal pain when slipping on the top rope for Old School.

Pedigree/Outsider's Edge ------> Back Body Drop Out of the Ring

Are you Triple H? If you are not Triple H, are you Scott Hall? If you are Triple H or Scott Hall, I would refrain from attempting your finishing move near the ropes. Not only will you not have room to properly execute the finisher, you are giving your opponent the perfect opportunity to lift you up and over those ropes.

While I am a big fan of this counter, the move has made me scared to do anything near a set of ropes or rope-like barrier. In vacation photos at high altitudes, I am often located at least ten metres away from the barrier. At that height, I fear that a fellow tourist will flip me over the barricade and send me falling to my death. Perhaps I should stop setting other tourists up for the Pedigree and Outsider's Edge, but that's the way I travel. I don’t think I could enjoy the sight of the Grand Canyon if I couldn’t nail some elderly vacationers from Iowa with a finisher or five.

Irish Whip -----> Turnbuckle Flip

Thanks to Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, I need not adhere to the laws of physics anymore. Ever since I first witnessed them counter an Irish whip into a corner flip over the turnbuckles, I have laughed in the face of physicists (the true enemies of professional wrestling). They claim that an object cannot possibly change its own trajectory while in motion. I claim that a moving object (my fist) can change its own trajectory when in search of a ignorant, ugly surface to punch (their faces).

Recently, I invaded the estate of Sir Isaac Newton and showed his ancestors a recording of the counter. After refusing to leave the living room, his family tried to Irish whip me off their property. In turn, I flipped over their fence and maniacally cackled all the way home. A truck ended up clotheslining me as I showed off on the sidewalk, but at least I proved my point.

Powerbomb -----> Facebuster

In his tank-top-and-jean-shorts heyday, Billy Kidman was famous for countering any and all powerbomb attempts into a facebuster. Even wrestlers who never had the move in their arsenal would try to force Kidman down via powerbomb, only for Billy to bust their faces onto the canvas instead. Kidman's love for this counter suggests me to that this is how he prefers to live his life. At first, Torrie Wilson approved of his uncanny ability to reverse everything into a face buster. As time passed, she grew restless with him as Billy would not stop hitting the counter in the bedroom. On their divorce papers, Torrie states that the reason why they could not make the marriage work was due to "irreconcilable differences into facebuster."

My admiration for Kidman's facebuster has not let up, but I do feel sorry for the man who popularized the move. While I wish to personally congratulate Billy Kidman on a counter well done, I quite like the current state of my face. Once I decide to bust it, I shall give him a call.

Foot Catch -----> Step-over Spinning Heel Kick

For years, Rob Van Dam has caught unsuspecting foes with his patented step-over spinning heel kick. After thousands of matches, you would think that his opponents would know when the move was coming, yet they keep on falling for it. I'm not sure why they fail to anticipate the counter, but I do have a theory. Whenever a wrestler catches Rob Van Dam's foot in his hands, he must be engaging in some sort of complicated role-playing game.

In this game, the wrestler is the police officer. Rob Van Dam's foot is a shirtless Rob Van Dam speeding down the highway in his rental car with his friend Sabu. Also, Rob Van Dam's foot smells like marijuana and butt sweat.

Punch/Kick -----> Stick Your Chest Out Like A Boss

As a general rule, I do not condone fighting unless you are doing so for a good cause. For your information, fighting to impress a girl, acquire free lunches, or initiate a national cheerleading competition are excellent causes. In the event that you find yourself in a schoolyard or office fight, I suggest you take a page from classic wrestling video games. When a punch or kick comes along, you must thrust your chest forward.

Thank you, THQ games on the Nintendo 64, for teaching us that sticking out your chest is the solution to everything. Out of the 1,256 unsanctioned fights I had as a youngling after school, I won 1,253 of them by sticking out my chest with an intense glare. As my finishing move, I would usually take a large block of cheese or oversized can of Steveweiser from the crowd of onlookers and hit my enemy over the head with it. Finally, a caricature of Earl Hebner would appear in front of us and count the pinfall. I was ecstatic about every victory, yet my one, blocky facial expression said otherwise.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Additions: General Electric



I will live like Alberto Del Rio. I wish to be a highly educated, well-dressed, and honourable hermit.


I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.

Whistling Dixie

In the wrestling community, few authority figures are as respected and revered as promoter Dixie Carter. When people aren't confusing her with the late actress who starred in Designing Women, they are praising Dixie for her business savvy and wrestling knowledge. Among my peers, she is known as a M.I.L.F.O.T.S. (Mother I'd Like to Feature on the Site) due to her astounding level of success in the personal and professional world. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is lucky to have such a vibrant and lovely woman at the helm. Jeff Jarrett did nothing for me, but I am sure he is vibrant and lovely to someone.

So far, every executive decision made by Dixie Carter has altered TNA for the better. Bringing in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to work their creative and productive juices into the promotion brought TNA back to the good old days of early 2000 WCW. Briefly moving TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights as a means to compete with WWE RAW encouraged viewers to appreciate the value of watching the show on Thursdays. The signing of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair served as a grim yet necessary reminder of our own mortality. With TNA Pay-Per-View buy rates hovering at and around the range of five glorious figures, Dixie deserves most if not all the credit.

Lately, certain gutless analysts have criticized Dixie Carter's unorthodox views and opinions about the wrestling industry and life in general. For some inexplicable reason, these critics have even gone as far to attack her Twitter posts — which they believe contain cryptic and passive-aggressive messages directed toward them. Although I strongly disagree with these so-called critics, I have decided to analyze the posts for myself to determine what Dixie actually wishes to communicate. Once I complete this process, I shall prove that these attackers are nothing more than uneducated slanderers.

Regular folk should be glad that Dixie is willing to take time out of her busy schedule and interact with them. She could be doing something more productive, such as manufacture a popular brand of paper cups or collect bananas with her boyfriend Diddy in his Kong Quest, but she chose to speak with you. I wish I could be like Dixie and interact with my fanbase, but I am currently in a legal battle with a foolish man. He claims to be me, owns a Twitter account in my name, and managed to link my site to his account without my knowledge or consent. If he wasn't so attractive, funny, and charming, I would be furious.

Tragic: The Posting

In this post, an exhausted Dixie Carter claims that a TNA Adrenaline Rush is better than sleep. Eight hours spent lying comfortably on a mattress is no match for two hours spent watching 1,000 tourists enjoy air conditioning at the same time. Too bad those sweaty dudes flipping at each other in the foreground don't get to cool off for a bit. Truly, it's no wonder why TNA has so many storylines and feuds based on unexpected betrayal. Nobody would need to tire themselves out and get sweaty if every member of the TNA roster decided not to form a tag team.

While this message is fairly positive, Dixie's reference to a midnight "MTG" is clearly a shot at passionate, collectible card gamers. For those of you who prefer to play Magic: The Gathering in the daytime, Dixie is having none of it. Like other cool people who are not lame nerds, she prefers acquiring mana at around 12:00 a.m. in the morning. She's not going to cast spells at brunch. Get at her.

Brother Raymond and his Three-Dimensional, Permanent Angry Face

This time, Dixie is happy to inform the loyal fans of TNA that the sport of soccer and football are one in the same. Although American football is arguably the most popular sport in the country, Dixie is the only woman who understands the true form of football. In particular, she knows that actual football involves the use of a body part known as the foot. In a future post, I expect Dixie to tell these fans where that part is located on the body. International stars already know the foot's exact location, but is Brother Ray aware? Since he is not an international star, I doubt it.

According to this post, Bubba Ray is likely the only American soccer fan on the TNA roster. Despite USA's strong showing at the World Cup, I assume Bubba's fandom got the best of him. When USA lost to Ghana, he must have felt as though the world was coming down upon him, specifically injuring his butt with the impact of fifty Bubba Bombs.

Penultimate Fighting Championship

The recent release of TNA iMPACT! for the Playstation Portable and Nintendo DS excites Dixie muchly. On second thought, she seems a little too excited for a video game she might never play. Yesterday, I contacted a few inside sources in the industry. They told me that Dixie has another superstar signing to announce. If you are a fan of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may know UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre. Even though TNA does not have the money to sign him up for an appearance or two, you guys and gals are in for the next best thing. Any day now, get ready for the debut of Philippe St-Pierre — Georges St-Pierre's distant and estranged brother.

Georges St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Strangely enough, Philippe St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, too. Do not ask him where he got the belt, though. Just be content that Philippe is in possession of one until George can contact the authorities. After researching his name on Google, TNA fans should know that PSP is not only a trained mixed martial artist. During the weekends, he works part-time at a store that sells musical instruments. Nice. I can hear it now. Every time he wrestles, fans will be chanting for discount tubas.

All I Have to Do is Dreamer

Wait a Nashville, Tennessean minute, Dixie. Hold onto your delicate undergarments, lady. Dreamer's influence on TNA has been rather beneficial and entertaining, especially to me as I can now confirm that Rhyno, Raven, and Stevie Richards are alive and well. Nevertheless, do not get too hot and bothered in the pelvic region for Tommy Dreamer. Any twelve-year-old knows that when a girl says, "the more extreme the better," they are legally obligated to reply with the phrase, "That's what she said." The petals were plucked from your flower a long while ago, though that does not mean you should communicate your explicit thoughts on the Internet.

For goodness sake, you are the strong female figurehead of a national wrestling promotion. At least you salvaged this post by mentioning your flagship program by its appropriate name. If you didn't clarify what type of impact you meant, who knows what those twelve year olds would say? Maybe they could say, "You're anticipating an impact alright. An impact in your pants."

From now on, please keep suggestive thoughts to yourself.

The Vatican Zone

For weeks, TNA fans tossed and turned in their TNA Adrenaline Rushes as D'Angelo Dinero dropped down the rankings. While I am happy that he has finally returned to keep himself in the Top 10, I do not share the same level of enthusiasm that Dixie conveys in this message. D'Angelo Dinero is a talented Pope, but I was hoping that Dixie was hinting at the debut of a second, injury-free Pope. I’m sorry to say that the durability of Popes in TNA has come into question. I highly doubt Dinero’s shoulder injury allowed him to keep his pimp hand strong. Many pimping Popes before him were forced to retire after suffering such ligament damage. Whose to say that Dinero will be any different?

When I refer to the possibility of signing a new Pope, I'm talking about big names such as Pope Benedict XVI or the real Pope (Todd Grisham). For all I know, Dixie could have been talking with Pope Todd Grisham, only to come out of those contact talks with nothing. Perhaps she shouldn't have offered to buy him a new robe. If I was Pope Todd Grisham, I would find that offer most insulting. His suit, glasses, and gelled hair are his robe. He may not condone sex before marriage, but he is all about the mousse.

In Dependence Day

As a female of United States citizenship, Dixie wishes that her fellow Americans and non-Americans can come together and safely use fireworks without setting each other aflame. Her humble admiration for the men and women who dedicate their lives to preserving American's freedom and independence tells me that she has been on a patriotic entertainment kick as of late. I think someone caught a late-night showing of Independence Day on cable and wants to join in on the fun.

In this scenario, Dixie Carter is Will Smith, welcoming aliens to Earth via punch to the face. Jeff Jarrett is Bill Pullman, flying his jet into the mothership to save the world. If Paul Heyman is about to join the company as rumours suggest, he can be Jeff Goldblum, making plans to fight the aliens while indecisively stammering. As for the aliens themselves, Vince McMahon and his family can step in for a cameo. To Triple H's dismay, Stephanie McMahon can play the alien who can only give birth to girls.

My Lovely Lady Hatch

Mere hours after Dixie expressed her thoughts of the LOST series finale on Twitter, critics misread this post as an accurate and ironic reflection of her management style in TNA. In response to these critics, I believe they are missing the entire point of the message. Like the hopelessly lost characters of the hit ABC drama, Dixie and the TNA roster booked a flight with Oceanic Airlines. Before they could get to Los Angeles from Sydney, the aircraft broke in two, crash landing in Orlando, Florida. Ever since the accident, Dixie and TNA have wandered the terrain, unable to make much sense of anything.

Years ago, Frankie Kazarian constructed a bamboo raft and set sail for the calm waters of World Wrestling Entertainment. In the end, he found himself back in the strange land that is TNA. Obviously, the Impact Zone is a peculiar place with magical powers. One fateful day, Dixie may decide to return the six-sided cork back into the center of the Impact Zone. Until that time comes, she is left wondering if every promoter promotes alone.

Chance Meeting

After reading Dixie's posts, I feel as though I know her better than I know myself. For the most part, I have that feeling because my self refuses to return my calls. Regardless, Dixie Carter's messages have taught me enough about her to determine the mystery man, woman, or child behind the meeting. Since she mentioned that we will eventually meet this individual as well, I shall assume that the person in question does not live life as a hologram. Since she posted the message on July 8th, it is safe to say that the day of the meeting rules out anybody who was born on or after July 9th. The potential main event matchup between Samoa Joe and a July 9th baby of similar size and shape would make tons of money, but I doubt we'll get ever it.

With these facts in mind, I conclude that Dixie Carter encountered her future self. Future Dixie could have warned Present Dixie Carter of what would become of TNA if she wasn’t careful, but Future Dixie Carter did not want to alter destiny. In place of telling her what not to do, Future Dixie Carter and Present Dixie Carter ended up chatting about girl stuff. Future Dixie Carter told Present Dixie Carter about the evolution of the shawl and little else. Future Dixie Carter sounds like a time-travelling beyotch.

Monday, July 05, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 94th

WWE United States Championship Match
The Miz (c) vs. Mystikal

Represent the states, but watch yourself
Represent the states, but don't show me your Florida
Represent the states, but watch yourself
Represent the states, put back that dangling Florida

I came here moving thangs with my hands
Don't make me leave with a surplus of thangs in my possession, let's haggle
And don't worry about how I'm talking like this
When I'm rapping I'm not angry, but I'm just disappointed in what you do
I'm truculent with every single step
More dignified than any other rapper who just served a long-term prison sentence
You can't defeat me and you won't
Except when you do and you did
Take the mic, don't be trite, get your coat back
Got some Kwik for my dogg pound, witnessing Killings at the theme park
You think I'm lying? Miz, I wouldn't try it
I'm sighing if you trip over words about voting for the Diva Search
Kids rhyming weekly, acting like they're into me
Hope this doesn't alarm you when I say I'm the man without the candy van (stranger danger)
Came to play, but not this way
You're in reality, not on MTV
Get like a student and you'll learn
We don't play by road rules because we're living in the real world

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I will climb a ladder and grab a briefcase, weeks before I have to climb a ladder and grab a briefcase for real.


Simple. You hit him, don't let him hit you.

Counting the Breaks

Recently, WWE's official website conducted a series of interviews with the best and brightest of professional sports. They call this segment "Breaking the Count," which is a wrestling reference, but could very well be a Sesame Street reference. Members of the Chicago Blackhawks — the 2010 Stanley Cup Champions — were the most notable athletes to break the count, answering five tough questions with five tough, salary-cap-strapped answers. Also, Chris Carter of the New York Mets has done some answering with a sub-.250 response average. Therefore, he successfully gave a reply for every fourth question. Good for him.

At this time, I am not a professional athlete, but I have dabbled in numerous competitive sports in the past. In high school, I was a part of the school's soccer, baseball, and basketball teams. They used to call me "Superstar" for my dynamic athleticism. The only problem was that I played these sports simultaneously. Before kicking the soccer ball into the net, I would try to hit it with a baseball bat while shooting the J with my other hand. This technique may not sound that unorthodox to some of you, but while I was trying to play three sports at once, I did so underwater. The swim team needed me.

Even though I am now fully committed to the Internet writing/gangster rap game, that does not mean I am willing to leave my sporting life behind. Thanks to WWE's Breaking the Count, the marriage between my old and new self has been made. After I answer these questions, who knows what could happen? The Swerved could be drafted by a sports organization somehow. LeBron James and I could be hooping it up on the same team, winning title after title for the Vancouver Grizzlies. I might bolt to Russia and play in the Kontinental Hockey League as a left winger. The possibilities are infinite.

In sports, sources tell me that it does not matter whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. As far as wrestling-related interviews are concerned, I am undefeated with the majority of my victories decided by unintentional count-out against Primo. With that sparkling record, I guess I'm playing the game in an awesome to super awesome fashion. I am going to rule these queries with an iron-answering fist.

1. Who was your favourite Superstar growing up?

I would have to say that my favourite wrestler as a child was The Godfather. He was such a vibrant, family-friendly character who appealed to any and all age groups. While the neighbourhood kids were playing Cops and Robbers or Cowboys and Indians, I was playing Pimps and Hoes. The object of Pimps and Hoes is similar to tag in that the hoes must run away from the pimps in order to gain their freedom. As for the pimps, they must chase after the hoes to gain their cut of the profits. The game ends when either the hoes start a new life — studying psychology at community college and working part-time shifts at Denny's — or the pimps get their money and return the hoes to their Ho-V (recreational Hummer for prostitutes).

Plus, I was a big fan of The Godfather's Ho Train. Unlike other young boys, I was not enamoured with the sexy yet skanky ladies. I just enjoyed watching a group of people moving in a train-like formation. Who doesn't these days? The Quad City DJs would have been quite proud of such a train.

2. What's your best memory of WWE?

My favourite memory of WWE was Mae Young's enthusiastic display at the 2000 Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit contest. While such legendary Divas as The Kat and Barbara Bush showed their attractive thingies, Mae's shocking appearance shall enlighten my soul for the rest of my life. Once I saw Miss Young's aged, prosthetic, anterior protuberances out in the open, I gained a newfound appreciation and respect for the legally blind. My eyes allow me to take in the beauty of my surroundings, but maybe I don't need that kind of luxury anymore. Thanks to Mae Young, I have decided to interact with the world around me through Braille only.

Certain moments in WWE history should feel good to the touch, such as Sable's handprint bra unveiling or every other Diva Pillow Fight. On the other hand, I do not look forward to any event that features the de-pantsing of Triple H or Ric Flair. My innocent hands aren't ready to cope with traumatic experiences yet.

3. What would the name of your signature move be?

In my opinion, the name of a wrestler's signature move is as important as the name and personality of the wrestler himself. For instance, I am not going to cheer for a wrestler who ends his matches with a hip toss called "This is a Hip Toss." That name is neither flashy nor creative, which suggests to me that the man behind the name is no better. The best signature moves in wrestling are the ones with a catchy yet simplistic name that can be hit on anyone from anywhere, such as the Stone Cold Stunner, Rock Bottom, and the Superkick/Sweet Chin Music. For my signature move, I will not settle for anything less than a name fit for a WWE megastar.

Taking my own personal interests and athletics abilities into account, I have invented a move that combines the unpredictable and flashy Inverted 450 Splash with the atomic deadliness of the leg drop. The working name for it is "That Time John Stamos Went Skydiving on the Day of His Wedding on Full House, Only to Get Stuck in a Tree." I shall signal for the move by summoning The Rippers with an electric conch, which was given to me by The Beach Boys after performing with them in Hawaii.

4. Which Superstar or Diva, past or present, would you like to escort you to the ring?

Maryse's recent pairing with Ted DiBiase has inspired me to take on Maryse Ouellet as my valet. You see, Ted and I are similar in that we both have millions of dollars to spend on valets that can accompany us to the top of the ramp, but do not wish to walk any further. A girl who chooses to watch me accompany myself the rest of the way when she is supposed to walk down the entire ramp is my kind of woman. My other kind of woman is a lady who needs my assistance when entering the ring. Since I hired her, it is my job to safely get her into the ring as I get into that same ring without any help whatsoever.

If I had to pick a former or present WWE Superstar to escort me to the ring, I would give the honour to "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. For years, he has been wandering around America with a 2x4 in hand. A construction site wants that 2x4 back and I am trying to return it to them. I would buy them a new one, but they know what their 2x4 looks like. I couldn't fool them.

5. How is your sport like WWE?

Professional wrestling analysis is a lot like World Wrestling Entertainment in that at any time, my kneecap can just kind of blow over to the side of my leg. Every week, I am in danger of tearing my entire pectoral muscle completely off my shoulder. Intense sessions of wrestling criticism have forced me to have surgery five times in my left knee. The other day, my tendon was torn off the bone and I couldn't hardly lift my leg anymore. With my every article I write, my body and my life are on the line.

In conclusion, perhaps I should stop writing articles with my kneecap, my pectoral muscle, my left knee, and my leg. I believe using those body parts rather than my fingers and hands might have something to do with my injuries. Sadly, I never learned how to type on the computer in any other way. I hope I am safe while driving and eating as I tend to steer with my face and eat with my elbow.