Monday, March 26, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 14th

WWE Women's Title Match
Melina vs. Avril Lavigne

She’s like "I don't think so."
Then I'm like "Yeah, I think so."
We should be like "Yuh-huh to your nuh-huh."
And that’s what we should be singing about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
Look at me I am so punk!
No way! No way!
I don't think you're punkier!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your champion!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
On this farm there is a punk!
No way! No way!
Here's a punk, there's a punk!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
Everywhere a punk, punk!

The Question:
Who wins and how?



The Swerved will be back in 2 weeks with a review of Wrestlemania 23: Rich People are Arguing


I bet you a dollar that I have a dollar. I win.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]

As some of the readers of The Swerved may already know, a good friend of the blog has decided to call it a day. Jimbo, the creator of Slackers Against Communism and former writer of The Armpit, is off to new endeavours in life, leaving the glamourous world of internet wrestling analysis for pastures that are surely greener than green.

I didn't know much about Jimbo when I first came aboard to write The Armpit about a year and a half ago. I had always enjoyed reading his articles from the first day I stumbled upon the site, but for some reason, I did not interact with him through e-mail until much, much, much later. When we finally did talk, it was no surprise to me that while we came from different worlds, we had many things in common.

Most of all, we shared a similar sense of humour. For a lot of my life on this here planet, I found it very difficult to connect with people who could or did not understand my personality. For every individual I could relate to, there was at least a million other people I shared nothing in common with except the air that we breathed. I never blamed those people for their lack of understanding, but I thought it was weird that not everyone believed dressing a potato up with a fake handlebar mustache and a cheesecloth to resemble the Iron Sheik was funny. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was for me to find another human being in Internetville whose mindset was equally absurd and ridiculous. While it is very unfortunate that Jimbo is hanging up his pen/keyboard, Mama says, "It just be's that way... sometimes."

Now, I'm the only one left from The Armpit Clan. It's bad news for most and good news for about three people, but nevertheless, I will do my best to bring you the same great Swervian masterpieces you have come to know, like, fondle, love, and leave. I cannot fill the void left by The Wrestling Professor and Jimbo, but with your help, I hope to bring The Swerved to newer, greater, and funnier heights. Writing has given me the appropriate outlet to put my true, crazy self out there. For many years, it has been my salvation from a world of hardships and heartbreak. Until I write the next great book, movie, and or television show, I will continue to spend my time entertaining you, the reader, for as long as you'll have me.

Here's to Jimbo. Good luck with everything and I hope you find what you're looking for.



The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]

6) The Money in the Bank briefcase is one the most coveted briefcases I have ever laid my eyes upon in professional wrestling history. Of course, the briefcase contains a contract that will grant the winner of the ladder match a world title shot for events up to and including Wrestlemania 24. Pretend the briefcase contains something which you cherish quite greatly. Now, what is the item and why do seven other guys also wish to attain it?

J: The only thing I really cherish, I guess, would be this big box of old letters and notes and ticket stubs and other sentimental stuff. I'm not really sure why seven other guys would be willing to risk paralysis for it, unless they were somehow able to time travel and cash in my Arena Football tickets from 2002 when they were still redeemable.

S: Arena Football is cool because it's like regular football, but for athletes that prefer to be confined in a boxed-in rectangle sponsored by Vagisil and Papa Murphy's Pizza. When a quarterback makes a successful pass, the receiver will run, but his path will be limited. He may think, "Hey, cool. I can run anywhere I want to," but will be greatly mistaken. When he reaches the sidelines, he'll say, "Ow. That's a wall." Better than the NFL, I tells you.

7) On April 1, Batista could very well end Undertaker's 14-0 Wrestlemania winning streak. In turn, Undertaker could very well make his Royal Rumble 2007 victory count by defeating Batista and capturing his first big gold belt (World Heavyweight Championship). The atmosphere will be as electric as electricity. In total, how many Chokeslams, Tombstones, Spinebusters, and Batista Bombs will be seen in this bout?

J: I think the more important question is "Yeah, but will there be any exploding caskets?"

S: If wrestling has taught me anything in life (which it certainly has), it's that the quality of caskets increases based on their capability to explode. While I do not believe the Undertaker nor the Underbatista will employ an exploding casket in the match, one may be seen after the bout. I suspect that once the Undertaker captures the World Heavyweight Championship, his celebration will consist of chokeslamming Batista into the casket, closing the casket lid on Batista, then exploding the casket holding Batista inside. Taker will then drop to one knee and say, "Rest in pieces." At the same time, he'll be holding Batista's limbs in one hand and a box of Reese's Pieces in the other. Vince McMahon is right -- Wrestlemania is the punniest stage of them all.

8) If you could book a Wrestlemania match with current members of any of the three WWE rosters, who would be involved and why?

J: I'd like to see Shelton Benjamin and Triple H go forty plus for the World title at WrestleMania 24.

S: While I feel that would be a great match, I can't imagine that happening now due his Shelton Benjamin's drastic fall into nothingness. He used to be the on the cusp of the main event scene, but was was gradually relegated to Incontinental Champion of all Eternity Over Carlito. Now, he occupies a spot as a Heat regular with his sidekick Hobo Higgins. It's sad that The World's Greatest Tag Team is not so great after all since Benjamin and Haas can't even win the World Tag Team Titles. They should change their name to The World's Pretty Good, Sort of Alright Tag Team because if they don't, that's false advertising.

My dream Wrestlemania match was Shawn Michaels versus Eddie Guerrero, but due to circumstances out of everyone's control, that wish will never be granted. Other than that, there's not really anything I would clamour to see, except Chris Benoit versus The Undertaker or Johnny Nitro versus Rob Van Dam since they would be fresh feuds and matches. It amazes me that WWE has an enormous roster of talent, yet they end up doing the same matches over and over again.

9) The grandeur of Wrestlemania is what interests the majority of casual fans. In the vain of Shawn Michaels making his Wrestlemania XII entrance via zipline, what grandoise visual do you expect or wish to see at the event?

J: Well, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that this year. I really hope they don't go all out ridiculous with the entrances like last year. Rey Mysterio as an Indian? That doesn't make sense on like, a whole lot of levels.

S: Sorry if I come off rude, but you're wrong. You are double wrong with wrongful sprinkles topped with a red cherry of wrongness inside a collectible ice cream dish of wronginity. Rey Mysterio did not have an Indian headress on, but was wearing an Aztecan headdress and decorative poncho. Aztecs were inhabitants of Central Mexico, whose civilization thrived in the 16th century. Furthermore, the band P.O.D., who performed Mysterio's theme song at Wrestlemina, were Aztecan leaders sent from the past to the distribute the message of Booyaka in the modern day. Booyaka all over your face.

10) Finally, the WWE Hall of Fame 2007 Inductee List if off to a great start. So far, "The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig", and Jerry "The King" Lawler have been great picks. Let's say you have a choice to induct three members from any organization to this prestigious, nonphysical entity that is WWE's Hall of Fame. Who are they? (For example, my first pick would be WCW's Alex Wright, just so I could witness him accept his award by doing that dance of his the entire duration he is at the podium.)

J: First and foremost, Paul Heyman, for giving us the most "extreme" gift of all. From there on out, I'd just pick random luchadores from WCW circa 1996. I'd pay good money to see Silver King induct Super Calo, wouldn't you?

S: I would accept Super Calo into the WWE Hall of Fame, if only Duper Salo inducted him. If you aren't familiar with Duper Salo, he's a luchadore whose mask consists of a hat sewn onto his head, similar to Super Calo who has sunglasses sewn right into his mask. That's dang genius right there.

It's funny that you mention Super Calo because I met him once. It was an amazing experience. Here's how it went:


Date: September 1997
Location: The Nitro Grill

Stephen: Hey, Super Calo. Are those your sunglasses on that counter over there?
Super Calo: Nope. They are always here on my mask. They never leave my mask.
Stephen: That's super, Calo. Maybe I should sew contact lenses onto my eyes.
Super Calo: Okay, you do that...

Monday, March 19, 2007

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 13th

Bobby Lashley w/ Donald Trump vs. Magilla Gorilla w/ Vince McMahon (Special Guest Referee: Stone Cold Steve Austin)

WWE got a Bobby Lashley for sale
Bobby Lashley for sale
Won't you buy him
Pay-Per-View to try him
Bobby Lashley for sale

See on the TV, it's Bobby Lashley
Has positive qualities I know
Big, muscly, strong, and big
And Trump loves him also

Don't you want a little Lashley you can cheer on to win?
A Lashley who hates enhancing drugs and medicines?

How much is that Bobby Lashley on the TV?

Take our advice, in any way
A Lashley like Bobby is here to stay
It's Lashley
Bobby Lashley for saaaaaaaale

The Question:
Who wins and how?



It's my farewell to Jimbo with part 2 of The Interviewerved.


I use The Great Khali as a ladder in order to see planet Earth from outer space.

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

On a dark and stormy September evening in the year 2005, I heard a violent knock at the door. Adorned in my Undertaker pajamas, complete with urn footsies, I left my comfy leather couch and stumbled towards the noise. As the seconds passed, the knock grew louder until the sound beat as hard as the raindrops on the city streets that night. With great hesitance, I peered through the tiny peephole and noticed a dark figure shivering and shuffling on the welcome mat in front of the shrouded entrance of my home.

"Can I help you?" I asked, gently placing my hand over the pristine golden doorknob.

There was no response. I jogged to the nearest window in an attempt to gain a better view of the mysterious being, but all I that I could see was a vague shape of a suffering human with nowhere to go.

"Who's there?" I said, slowly stepping back to the foyer in a Undertakian manner.

"Open up. It's Jimbo."

The man's voice startled me greatly. After his reply, I don't know how I did it, but I guessed that fellow Armpit Wrestling writer was standing at my door. The tone in which he spoke was comforting, yet truly peculiar. I have never heard him speak before. Based on his popular wrestling columns, I assumed his verbal speech consisted of loud, brief, piercing taps emanating from an old computer keyboard.
I swiftly opened the door to welcome my professional tussling cohort into my creative abode of wonder and merriment, yet he just stood there in his damp attire with a look of disdain on his tired, masked face.

"What's the matter?" I said.

Suddenly, Jimbo revealed a ring bell from behind his back. Just as he was about to strike my temple with the bell, I ducked under his swinging arms and called down a lightning strike from the heavens above. The bolts pierced through the clouds and shattered the concrete ground and soil out from under our feet. Jimbo threw down the bell in frustration and scurried away from the scene, hopping over mounds of ruined walkway and grassy rocks.

As I stood at my doorway with my eyes rolled all the way back into my head, Jimbo stood tall in the distance. He raised his arms and set them quickly sent them right back down. Bursts of fire were brought forth from the four ring posts strategically placed in my neighbourhood to form a squared circle shape.

From that day forward, Jimbo was my rival. One day, I vowed to face him at Wrestlemania. Until that time comes, I will place upon him the biggest shame of all -- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Jimbo is the next subject of The Interviewered.


The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

Jimbo: Statistics
- Writer and owner of Slackers Against Communism at
- Portrayed the fifth rung of the second ladder utilized in the TLC Tag Team Title Match between The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz, and The Edge & Christian
Boyz at Wrestlemania X-Seven
- If we do not meet at Wrestlemania 23, I fully expect face him at Wrestlemania 24. Our feud will consist of him putting chocolate in my peanut butter, while I return the favour by cutting his vehicle's chocolate-coloured brakes... with peanut
- Wrestlemania Finishing Move: Hangman's Noose Eyepoke

10 Questions

1) Wrestlemania 23 will come to us live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan. I predict the Wrestlemania 23 entrance set will have something to do with cars, The Detroit Tigers and or Pistons, and Eminem. Quite possibly, giant statues will be erected of Eminem wrestling a tiger and or piston inside of a Ford Mustang convertible. If you could design the Wrestlemania 23 stage with no spending limitation, what would it consist of?

J: When I think of Detroit, I think of a lot of things, but mainly RoboCop. The WWE would be so blowing it this year if they didn't utilize a RoboCop theme, just like at my junior prom. I went as that guy that plays Red on That 70s Show and my date went as an ED-209 and it was magical.

S: RoboCop is so romantical. No wonder why they used a Robocop motif for your junior prom. I bet your date was part human, part machine, but all woman.

On the other hand, I never had a junior prom. One year, for the first time in my high school's history, they were about to have a junior prom but it never happened. You see, I was the head of the Prom Committee that year, so obviously, I chose a N-N-N-New World Order theme. All lovely prom couples would be dancing on the gym floor to the lovely nWo theme until I would appear from the rafters wearing face paint with a baseball bat in hand. As I cleaned house on all prom goers in the gym, I would be left alone with my date, who would be dressed as Fake Sting. As we approached each other, about to fight it out to determine the superior Sting, I would embrace her and whisper in her ear, "You may be fake, but your love is real to me." End credits somewhere would roll as we engaged in Sting-on-Sting action.

As it turned out, I was never allowed to attend that particular high school ever again.

2) Because Ashley achieved every young girl's dream of getting naked for profit and publicity, she gets to face Melina for the WWE Women's Championship, instead of Mickie James, who got naked for profit before, but does not get naked for profit nor publicity now. Therefore, Mickie James will not be included in the title match. On the grandest stage of them all, it's time for Ashley Massaro to show off her wrestling prowess. What moves are you looking forward to seeing from the Playboy covergirl?

J: Ah, fantastic. Two blondes with no discernible talent stealing precious airtime that could be going towards a La Parka promo. Fact of the matter is, I just don't give much of a hoot about either of them. I'm only attracted to Eastern European ballerina-figure skater-types so the proposition of watching Melina and Ashley screw up spots isn't too appetizing. That being said, I'd love to see Ashley try one of those Steve Williams back body drop drivers, though.

S: Excuse me, kind lad, but Ashley has perfected the second rope elbow drop. It is the most devastating finisher I have ever seen. No great wrestler has employed such an elbow drop before. It has never even been attempted before for fear of grave injury or death. Therefore, three cheers for Ashley for being so brave and athletic. Let's all feast our eyes on an innovator, a pioneer, and a natural wonder.

3) Umaga represents Vince McMahon while Bobby Lashley represents Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionairies Match, in which one of them will most
definitely become a Baldinaire. I've likened Donald Trump's hairdo to a thin piece of shredded wheat; I've compared Vince McMahon's hair to that of a sloth who has endured much stress and suffering in his life. When the world ends, would you prefer to have an abundance of shredded wheat, or a cornicopia of sloths?

J: Definitely the shredded wheat. Where else am I going to get my necessary dietary fiber and whole grains? From the government? I think not.

S: Stop badmouthing the government. I'm sure they could put on an event as good or even better than Wrestlemania. In fact, I hear rumours that Publi, the Republican Elephant, has chosen First Lady Laura Bush as his representative to wrestle Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton, the representative of Badonkadonkey, The Democratic Donkey, in a Loser Stops Being Produced in Animal Cracker Form Match.

Plus, I hear the government gives people cheese. Now, I may not be a nutritionist or a food-making person, but I believe if you let cheese sit out in the sun for a long period of time, it eventually becomes shredded wheat. Take that, Jimbo. Take it like a free gift.

4) Speaking of shredded wheat and or sloths, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the special guest referee in the Battle of the Billionaires Match. I assume he will be appearing at Wrestlemania 23 to promote his new film entitled The Condemned, the latest picture to be released by WWE Films. In comparison to The Marine starring John Cena, which movie will have the most explosions?

J: By default, The Condemned wins. Its protagonist is a guy that drinks Steve-weisers and hugs his boss and the villain is that dude that played the Juggernaut. That's the kind of movie that you sneak liquor into. I expect the film to have more explosions than dialogue. By contrast, The Marine has zero explosions because it was a dud. And yes, that's the wittiest thing I'll say in this interview.

S: If The Condemned movie screenings of the future encourage liquor smuggling, what did the screenings for The Marine encourage when it was out in theatres? If you wish to ask me, when I saw The Marine for the seventh time in the same day, I brought in a big bottle of Hawaiian punch, but there was no need to smuggle it; I just proudly drank that punch for the entire duration of the movie. The only time I didn't drink punch was when John Triton said "They've taken a hostage... it's my wife." After he said that, I switched to drinking Welch's grape juice. I thought it would be disrespectful to drink such a vibrantly coloured drink at such a solemn time, so I went for the refreshment that would convey the most sadness and despair.

5) Triple H is sidelined with a quadricep tear, which will prevent him from competing at Wrestlemania. Even with his injury, do you think Triple H will show up in Detroit? If so, how will he show up and what shenanigans will he commit?

J: I'm not quite sure, but if he doesn't show up wearing that barbarian outfit again, I'll be sorely disappointed.

S: He has always worn that barbarian outfit in my mind. He will never be without that barbarian outfit in my heart for he is the best human being in the world with such an outfit on his person. Do you remember in the olden days when barbarians would walk around town holding a bottled Evian in case they were parched? I don't, but it sounds fun.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Wrestling in Video Games Also

Starfox and WWE



An Interviewerved Wrestlemania Preview? You must be in heaven or a Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial.


I was just drinking Haterade because it was on sale. Plus, it's orange -- my favourite flavour. Get off my back.

Wrestling Society X: Xpisode 4

As a world famous analyst of professional grappling and professional grappling accessories, watching and observing a single company can get a tad tiresome. Surely, World Wrestling Entertainment was, is, and will forever be a sports entertainment juggernaut, but I can only take so many Diva Dance-offs before my brain implodes within my skull. "So, are you going to do that amazing arm pump and butt thrust dance, or are you going to shock the world by standing there and swaying back and forth in a seductive fashion?"

Other wrestling critics may claim TNA is the ultimate alternative for it provides fast-paced action and a younger and hungrier roster than WWE, yet I somewhat have to disagree. For every Christy Hemme versus Rotund Male Dancer mat classic I encounter, the company always mucks up my contentment with filler storylines and matches featuring performers such as Sparkly Coat Guy with Dollar Sign on Trunks Who's Unhappy with Everything, Pirate Cowboy Seeking Revenge on Drunk Cowboy, Old Facepaint Man Instilling Jesus in Kanekind Doppleganger, and Uncontrollable Brawl #1,756,486 between Balding Veiny Person and Jiggly Islander. Additionally, when I sit down in my comfy couch to watch some wrestling with a big bag of whatever commoners eat (quite possibly, these ilk consume some sort of gruel made up of Nutella and Cheetos,) I want to be able to enjoy my viewing experience in a span of more than two and a half minutes, except I can't do it since two and a half minutes is the average duration of three Impact main events.

Today, I look to Wrestling Society X to bring something new and different to the wrestling table not limited to explosions, electricutions, exploding explosions, electrical electricutions, exploding electricity, and electrical explosions. Most recently, WSX was on the brink of leaving the table altogether forever, but thankfully MTV changed their mind. To show my gratitude to Music Television, I'm changing my birthday plans. For my Super Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party, I don't want a diamond encrusted Mercendes Benz anymore. Instead, I want to pool those funds together to attain a ruby encrusted Mercendes Benz, then give MTV a $5 gift certificate to Arby's for their good nature and understanding.

A few days ago, I took some time out of my busy schedule of being super stupendous at everything to take a look at Episode 4 of Wrestling Society X. Sometimes, I like to take notes of the shows I am watching for future reference. I would not call them observations for that term is too simple, so let's call them Textual Snapshots of the Life Beautiful. Here they are:

1. Wrestling Society X Intro Begins
- Why am I flying through an abandoned Costco in this introduction?
- Whoa! Did you see that?!
- What a clothesline that was!
- Members of The Society, please welcome Clipse!

2. Clipse
- They're performing in front of the most cleanest, most well-dressed, most non-ugliest wrestling fans I have ever laid my eyes upon. If I didn't know any better, I would suspect their legitimacy.
- From what I can decipher from the song, Clipse is singing about ice cream and probably PVC pipes. If you don't like PVC pipes, you are a player hater.

3. Brent Ernst and Kris Kloss Tell Me Things
- Kris Kloss is sporting a mop top -- the unique trademark of every other young hipster living on this earthly soil. Kudos to him.

4. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams
- His running and screaming have caused explosions. I'm making like wood cause I'm fairly petrified right now.

5. Matt Sydal w/ Lizzy Valentine Entrance
- If you squint your eyes hard enough, Matt Sydal looks like Alex Shelley. Surprisingly, if you squint your eyes hard enough once more, Lizzy Valentine looks like an image of Jesus Christ burnt onto a bean burrito. I'm impressed.

6. Scorpio Sky Entrance
- Scorpio Sky is carrying his high school awards to the ring to convey that out of all of the things high school has taught him, how to carry plaques with both hands was the most important lesson.

7. Match 1: Matt Sydal versus Scorpio Sky
- Scorpio Sky learned that hurricana in home economics class, no doubt.
- What was the point of Sydal executing a backflip before landing on his feet, only to drop a leg down on Sky's throat soon after? Maybe I should parachute from a plane and float onto a tire fire in order to cook marshmallows on a twig. It would make just as much sense.
- Sydal and Valentine dancing backwards in unison = I'm in love. The visual has stolen my heart and knocked up my world.
- Scorpio Sky learned that somersault plancha in social studies. So did I, Scorpio.
- The frontward moonsault is Matt Sydal's most effective frontward maneuvre. The second is his ability to walk.
- Valentine writes 'H8R' on Sky's back in lipstick. I guess Scorpio doesn't like PVC pipes.

8. Jack Evans Meets A Fan (In The Back Alley of Costco)

- Jack Evans has to bounce.
- Jack Evans has DVDs and the fan knows this.
- The fan also has DVDs.
- The fan's name is Marcus Riot. Maybe I should introduce him to my friend -- Montgomery Arson.
- Man, oh, man. I think they're saying man too much, woman.
- Marcus Riot gets kicked in his DVDs.

9. Ruckus Is Looking For His Gangsta Ladder
- Aw snap, crackle, pop, son. Ruckus is given a ladder with gleaming bling. Thank you, Slymm. Shine on, non-existent diamonds.
- How do you exactly "Keep It Gangsta?" Is there some sort of gym you have to attend on a weekly basis?

10. That 70's Team Entrance
- Disco Machine is wearing the same mask John Travolta wore in that great movie about the presence of a fever on Saturday night. For you movie buffs out there, if you guessed "Battlefield Earth", you are right.

11. Match 2: That 70's Team versus K.I.G. (Keepin' It Gangsta)
- Joey Ryan rubs oil on himself, then Disco Machine rubs nothing on himself to criticize the rising oil prices in the modern world.
- Apparently, "Keepin' It Gangsta" means to pull down somebody's tights and slap them on the behind. I guess I haven't Kept It Gangsta for a long while.
- Discoball to Ryan's discoballs.
- Somersault kick from the bling ladder! Wait, that kick from the bling ladder is the Quizno's Slamwich of the Match? That is definitely gangsta. Eat it Subway. Eat it fresh. You are not gangsta by any means.

12. "The Anarchist" Arik Cannon Promo
- He's beating up his friend and bragging about beating up his friend. Is that what friends are for?
- He's warning television viewers of his actions to come next week.
- What a terrible friend one has in Arik Cannon. He didn't even specify when he would be appearing next week. Thumbs down to The Anarchist. From now on, I will refer to him as "My Aunt Chris", who I dislike with a passion for reasons I won't reveal to the public.

13. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams Some More
- The following match is set for... unbuttoned t-shirt.
- The Ring Announcer runs and screams some more.

14. El Hombre Blanco Enmascarado Ring Introduction
- If El Hombre hails from "Just North of the Border", why is he wearing a mask? Is he ashamed that he is not directly from the border?

15. The Human Tornado Entrance
- P-I-M-P. The Human Tornado has been laid out in the back by the constant spinning of the ring announcer. The announcer was trying to mimic the movement of an actual tornado to gather various trucks and farm animals into his deadly wind funnel, along with The Human Tornado himself. He could've been emulating Mary Tyler Moore too.

16. 6-Pac Enters The Ring
- Sean Waltman wants a piece of WSX Champion Vampiro. Alright, calm down, Pac. I'll get Justin Credible and Albert on the phone.

17. Vampiro Appears and Enters The Ring
- One fan is quite shocked by Vampiro's appearance. He's asking himself, "Did we go back in time? Is this WCW Thunder? Did I miss the party at the Nitro Grill? When is Prince Iaukea coming out to face Lodi?"

18. The Confrontation
- Scarred monster appears out of nowhere and attacks Vampiro before he can get to 6-Pac.
- Vampiro gets hit with nothing much really. For some reason, MTV's version of a fireball consists of a post-production effect somewhat reminiscent of invisible confetti. You've pimped my mind, MTV. Well played. I was going to give you a cookie, but you're a television network. Therefore, I plan to eat the cookie at my next Eating Cookies Society X meeting.

The Verdict: Big kiss, little hug, big hug, little kiss, big kiss, little hug, big kiss to Wrestling Society X

Monday, March 05, 2007

Wrestling in Video Games

Wrestling in Video Games: Mario and The Warp

Oh, wouldn't you like to know, you son of a mother...


I am the new coverboy for Time Magazine. Yes, it's a full-spread pictorial. I show my wrists and everything.

The Odds and The Ends

Like the Walt Disney Company, I keep all of my classic works in a vault, only to present them back to the public when I want to make a whole lot of scratch. The articles I somehow do not finish also end up in the vault; I expect them to finish themselves by association of completed works.

I know there are those who want to see these incomplete pieces in their true from, but I am hesitant to unveil them to fans for I know my audience will greatly criticize and tear them apart, somewhat due to their briefness. You see, my articles are like my children... and these unfinished articles are the children I mistakenly left at the mall. I need to protect them.

This week, I am only releasing these half-works to the masses so they may gain the morsels of attention and love they rightfully deserve. Are the following articles not complete? Yes. Will they have an ending? No. Will I make up an ending on the spot? Probably not, but that should not stop you from indulging in the remnants of what was to-be.


Pay-Per-View Naming Bonanza

I am a huge fan of Pay-Per-Views. If anything, I deem them as The Events Where Wrestlers Try. When you watch RAW or Smackdown or ECW, the matches will usually be decent but not particularly great. On the other hand, when you view a Pay-Per-View, the match quality is often through the roof. I recall a time when Stevie Richards faced Tyson Tomko and the viewing audience paid forty bucks for it. After the match, the world was a much better and beautiful place.

What would happen if WWE Pay-Per-Views underwent a massive reconstruction? Let's find out through partial discovery.

Royal Rumble -> Royal Rubble

The rumble will be changed a the 30-man over-the-top-rope battle royal to a solemn time to remember the remarkable individual known as Barney Rubble, who recently passed away to the ink shortage of 1965, which left traditional animators no choice but to discontinue drawing him. The winner of this moment of silence will be given the Rubble name and find out deep family secrets that Fred Flinstone's best friend refused to mention; one those secrets was that Bam Bam Rubble became a strong young lad due consumption of copious amounts of steroids (Betty hid in his strained peas). Pebbles told him to stop, but he desperately wanted to keep his spot as the main event baby in the Rubble household.

The winner of this prayer will eat Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles at Wrestlemania.

Backlash -> Come On: Triple H Is Not That Bad Of A Guy

Traditionally, Backlash is the forgotten Pay-Per-View or our days, chock-full of Wrestlemania rematches and forgettable angles, but not anymore.

The new Backlash entrance set will consist of massive sculptures of Hunter Hearst Helmsley performing altruistic deeds for others. On the left side of the entrance, he will be captured gently petting a puppy while adorned with a fancy cardigan. On the right side, he will be preparing a pancake breakfast with syrup smiles for the homeless.

The theme song to this event will be a little ditty entitled "Why Can't We Be Friends?" performed by Triple H himself... on the triangle.

Vengeance -> Vince McMahon Is In Love With You

The entire makings of the set will be blown up pictures of Vince staring at the viewer, doe-eyed and lovestruck. In various scenes plastered over the Titantron screens, he will present the viewers with a box of chocolate and a Hallmark card featuring a picture of a rose on it. Quite possibly, he will wear a heart-shaped costume and serenade millions of fickle wrestling fans with passionate ballads from under their wrestling fan balcony. Furthermore, the WWE crew will make the following possible: pyro will emerge from his grapefruits, made of solid steel and positioned at the front of the set, every time a spectator mentions his name.

Survivor Series -> Yarvivor Series

In all Survivor Series elimination matches, all competitors must be dressed either as a pirate and or own a parrot. In the event that they cannot fulfill these duties, they will be sent back down to Ohio Pirate Wrestling to further learn about and improve on their craft.

Other rejected names for this event included Scurvy Series and Survivor Seaweed (underwater theme with the WWE ring half-submerged in saltwater).

The Great American Bash -> Uncensored

This new incarnation consists of one of WCW's most American-y events transformed into the one Pay-Per-View nobody liked. You see, I loved Bash at the Beach because, hey, there's a beach chair and sand indoors. Also, I adored Spring Stampede since I often envisioned Ric Flair walking past the barnyard set-up, looking at a cow, then going "MOOOOOOO!"

Uncensored was a different story. As far as the set for the event was concerned, it was the most unimaginative entrance I have ever seen:

"Well, that Uncensored logo is pretty good. It's like the logo was made by a man who only knew how to write letters in ransom note form."

How will I improve Uncensored? Well, how about dressing up the entranceway with something every man, woman, and child can love? Yeah, I'm talking about puffy stickers with googly eyes.


When Carlito debuted for World Wrestling Entertainment, he hit the ground running (and sprinting). He defeated John Cena to capture the United States Championship in his debut match. He shocked the Smackdown crowd stole Cena's padlock chain as a souvenir for his momumental victory.

His arrival to RAW was similarly impactful, winning the Intercontintenal Championship from Good Ol' Shelty himself Shelton Benjamin. Not only were his title victories remarkable, but the way in which he attained the straps was significant as well. Back then, Carlito was the man without a finishing move, unless you counted the roll-up as a finisher. He didn't do much in the ring, except run ropes really slowly and spitefully spit apple chunks in people's faces as if apples murdered his entire family, yet that was the greatness of heel Carlito. He managed to do a lot through doing very little.

Today, his newfound, on-air relationship with wrestling legend Ric Flair leaves a lot of interesting questions left to be answered. Will this friendship lead to the return of an entertaining character who once had Caribbean Cool in his name, or is he stuck in a vicious cycle of having unncessary romantic storylines with divas who have little purpose on television as flips a bunch of times in the air to execute a knee drop?

Whatever may come of one Carlito, this is my tribute to the man he once was and one day could be again. What better way to learn how to be cool than learn from the master himself? Online courses from DeVry would not suffice this time. This was (the start) of my solution:

My Trip to Carlito Caribbean School

As a well respected and sexually attractive reporter constantly asked to be involved in eight-and-a-half-ways (it's complicated, but to simplify, an eight-and-a-half-way means that one member of the group has a chosen half of their body perched out of a window while the deed is taking place), I have had the privilege of traveling to a lot of unique places. Visiting such exotic locales as Outside and Somewhere Over There allowed me to meet some interesting people in the world of sports entertainment. So, when I heard Carlito Caribbean Cool was opening a School For The Cool, I knew I had to get the scoop. What better way to gain knowledge about this intriguing endeavor than to experience it for myself?

With pen, pad, and luggage in hand, I took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico to attend a three-day course. Let me just say it was a time I will never forget. I met newfound friends and acquaintances, basked in the beautiful scenery, and learned a life lesson in how to be cool as well what to do when your surroundings are not so cool. Although it was a pricey course which cost me half of my belongings, I now have more space at home for things of or relating to coolness.

The following is a brief rundown of the activities I engaged in during that time:

Name Selection

I was named Churro Colombian Coffee. I did not understand why he chose that moniker for me until I saw that another student was eating Mexican food and another was wearing a poncho while standing next to a donkey in front of a mountain. That's when I knew that Carlito, or Sir Cool as he wished to be called, was a very observant individual.

I must admit that I felt uneasy about the name. Since Carlito was from the Caribbean, he naturally chose to include the location in his name. What puzzled me about my name was that I was going to be billed as Colombian, even though I am nothing of the sort.

"I am appreciative of this gesture, Sir, but don't you believe I should be my true self?" I asked.

"What are you?" Carlito said.

"I was born in Canada, but my family are originally Smurfs," I proudly said.

Carlito stood there and literally burned a hole right through me with his crazy eyes. I don't know what he was about to say, but the carefree way his afro was moving in the wind was greatly ominous. Everyone in class believed something bad was going to go down, but thankfully, I was spared. It turned out that he just didn't like the cut of my jib.

Carlito swiftly left the room. I don't know whether it was the Puerto Rican weather that was getting to him, or if he felt uncomfortable around someone of cyan descent, but he could not bare another moment with me. If it was the latter, I can tell you that's not the first time I have experienced desmurfination.

Grade: Smurf+

Correct Apple Biting And Spitting Techniques

When I finally got to the table to pick out my fruit of choice, one of the only ones left was a pineapple, so I had to take it since Carlito had dibs on apples and the overall Golden Delicious market. You know how hard biting into a pineapple is? It's like eating Cap'n Crunch, but instead of cereal, it's razorblades. The other fruit was a banana, but I politely passed on that one. Say, have you ever seen somebody eat a banana before? It's kind of difficult to watch. You see, if a woman eats a banana, the act can be borderline erotic. For your information, I find those kind of ladies intriguing and spectacular. Whenever there's a survey or quiz about male attraction to the opposite sex, I always try to work in that visual. Generally, I'm told that the traits men find most appealing in women are their eyes, followed by how impressive their model train set is, followed by their fondness for potassium. Now, I'm asking the same thing you're asking -- why is fondness for potassium rated so low?

Grade: A for A Fort (I might have misheard my grade, so it might actually be "A for Effort". With that said, I'll ignore it since there's no way you can live inside of structure made of "earnest and conscientious activity intended for accomplishment". You can't play Elegant Tea Party in there either.)

Afro Management

After numerous queries about hair maintenance from all students, Carlito put his apple down and walked over to his desk. He then picked up the apple, looked at it, took a bite, then set the apple back down gently. He chewed and chewed for what seemed like hours, yet didn't spit the apple in any of our faces. Well we were eternally grateful for that, he strangely kept on chewing and didn't want to swallow it. It turns out he doesn't have a digestive system. Do not tell a soul, but he is ashamed to admit his digestive fault.

Fed up with the delay, I raised my hand and finally got down to the one thing I really wanted to know. Sir Cool seemed startled, but I did not back down.

"Is that an authentic afro?" I asked.

He paused, ever so slightly, and spoke with the apple still in his mouth. I think, that on a rare, lonely, summer night, Carlito Caribbean Cool wishes that he had a digestive system. Then, he goes back and pets his luxurious afro.

"You DAMN RIGHT that's my fro," said Carlito. I did not know why he sounded like Samuel L. Jackson right then and there, but I played along since the course gave no refunds.

Later that day, I had to procure a new hairstyle. I have never had long hair, so I had to make my own afro. It was made up of tree branches I found near the water, vaseline I found on the beach, and used construction paper I found at an abandoned arts and crafts store.

Grade: D- (I'm not going to lie; I was disappointed with the mark. I think my problem was that I didn't reinforce my hairdo with glue. My afro quickly fell apart when we did the "Bridge Test". Weights of different poundage were placed on my hair until it collapsed into itself. Sadly, my hairdo could not withstand 5 pounds of force.)