Monday, January 28, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 34th

WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. A Rainbow

Why is there so much
Face time for Randy?
And what's with his really short hair?
Orton is champion
This is no illusion
But when will it be Roy G. Biv's time?

Some fans do like him but I want
To fight him
Can light beat a human being?

Maybe you'll see it
A rainbow contending
The title, the glory for me

The Question:
Who wins and how?



If you don't love Kofi Kingston's theme song, I don't love you.


I'll realize what she just realized.

Royal Rumble 2007 Predictions

For this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I present to the e-audience a lost gem of an emerald from the underground, golden towns of professional wrestling mystery. This time last year, No Holds Barred's Alex Reimer participated in the second edition of the Interviewerved. In return, he requested my vocal presence on his radio show. Unfortunately, due to commitments to previous engagements (therapy sessions with my life coach, Dr. Kevin, at the local frogurt stand), I could not make my conflicting schedule not conflict with the schedule of the show. As a consolation, I sent Alex my thoughts on the 2007 Royal Rumble. In the end, he never read them on-air, but this is what I get when I eat frogurt rather than ice cream.

Therefore, for the benefit of the literate, I give you my predictions for a Royal Rumble that has already occurred. If this great offer does not entice you enough, I will throw in additional commentary and a free whatever poor people like to own. To my understanding, individuals with a income less than thirty-thousand dollars per year love robot vacuum cleaners. How about one of those, Value Villager? Great.

Before you leave the room to watch your new vaccuum clean up your buck-toothed child's vomit, please enjoy this piece.

Royal Rumble (January 28, 2007)
AT&T Center
San Antonio, Texas

MNM vs. Hardys

Earlier this month, I was finally able to watch the four-way ladder match at Armageddon between the Hardys, MNM, London and Kendrick, and Regal and Taylor. Hardly anybody looks at the month of December when they determine Match of the Year candidates, but this match proves that they should. Regal and Taylor being afraid of heights was great, and Joey Mercury getting slapped in the face with a ladder was one of the most sickening and dramatic visuals I have seen on WWE programming in a long time. Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder is ten times more compelling than Oily Fat Man in a Speedo or Powerhouse Rosie O'Donnell. I'd even say Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder would be a better movie than Man Getting Hit by Football.

(I have a big announcement to make: Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder will hit the big screen next year. Of course, I will be penning this future award-winning drama about a man having to deal with a ladder to his face. Frankie Muniz dons the fur coat as Joey Mercury. And, in his most serious role yet, Denzel Washington plays the role of the ladder. The tagline for the film will be the following: When you strive for the former, life gives you the ladder. I feel a lot heavier right now. I guess I feel heavier due to all of the money that is dropping onto my lap.)

I think WWE should have waited until Wrestlemania to do this match, but it's their company and not mine. Maybe they'll do a rematch at Wrestlemania and fool me, but I don't think they want to. If they can somehow incorporate the ladder into this bout, or a future rematch, it will be good watching. From now on, what I hope they will do with is give Joey Mercury some sort of Vega from Street Fighter gimmick, using a mask to protect his "beauty" in battle. Is that too creative for WWE? I want to say no because I think they can benefit from thinking outside of the box. Their roster would be more diverse and fun to watch if there was a greater variance of characters.

(I am quite sad that Joey Mercury did not become Vega. When I am in charge of World Wrestling Entertainment, I will base all of my contracted wrestlers on Street Fighter characters. Umaga will move from Samoa to Japan and become sumo wrestler Edmund Honda. Snitsky will dye his skin green, then grow out his hair for an crazy orange hairdo to transform into Blanka. John Cena will not alter his character at all to become Guile. Finally, Big Daddy V will be Chun Li because the laughter which results from the thought of this sight makes me a better person.)

Seeing the Hardys back together is odd to me as a clean and composed Jeff Hardy is quite the shocking sight, but they still put on good matches. I used to dislike Nitro, but I think he's improved dramatically in-ring and character wise. Ironically enough, breaking up MNM made me see how good he can and will be. I don't think this match will get a lot of time because they need to make room on the Pay-Per-View for the Royal Rumble itself. Therefore, this match will be 22 seconds long. Melina's Split Under The Ropes Thing will take 20 of those seconds.

Prediction: MNM will win by DQ or something and the angle will be continued on RAW.

(Matthew and Jeffrey were victorious in this match. I am zero for one. My dream of becoming the world's most successful professional wrestling psychic is through.)

ECW World Championship Match
Lashley (c) vs. Test

The first thing I think about when I hear the name ECW is Lashley. The second thing I think about is Test. Obviously, somebody has replaced my brain with a peanut.

(Using state-of-the-art tools like a barbeque skewer and a match, I have determined that I have no peanut in my skull. While all the parts are still intact, my exposure to this match has traumatized my brain. From this point forward, my brain will only process wrestling matches as bouts between Lashley and Test. A Hallmark card with a bunny on it to you, brain. Kudos.)

I don't see what WWE sees in Lashley. Sure, he is a big guy and has the Brock Lesnar entrance, but other than that, he's just there. I've never seen him in a great match, but maybe that's not what he's there for. I think they have stopped saying he's “hard hitting” and “soft spoken” too, so I don't know what his gimmick is. I guess he doesn't have one. Only in WWE can you be as uninteresting as possible and become champion.

Test's best days were during his first few years with the company. In particular, he showed promise in his Summerslam '99 match with Shane McMahon during the Stephanie angle. Also, glimpses of talent were somewhat apparent in his lengthy "Extreme Rules Match" with RVD a few months ago, but I assume Vince doesn’t want Test nor anyone else to do anything remotely entertaining; we have never seen a match like that on ECW since.

(Correction and a half, self. How about that match in which Tommy Dreamer loses? No, the other one. You know what I'm talking about.)

Choosing between ECW World Champion Lashley and ECW World Champion Test is like choosing between death via shark attack or hot air balloon accident. I don't want to suffer either way.

Prediction: Lashley retains via being big.

(Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship via countout. Since Lashley was pretty big and muscly, Test could not get back into the ring because of the largeness. Not long after this match, Test was released from his WWE contract. He has since quit the business. One time, two shark balloons tried to attack him while he was wrestling. Long story short, he couldn't take it. Today, I bet he home-schools Kelly Kelly with flashcards.)

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Batista (c) vs. Mr. Kennedy

For me, Batista was most intriguing during his feud with Triple H, but now what? Like Lashley, I've never seen Batista in a great match. Even his Hell-in-a-Cell Match with Hunter wasn't that impressive. Yes, he took Randy Orton's place in that feud and took it well (as Orton's face turn proved to be rushed and ill conceived), yet in hindsight, I think Orton would have had better matches with Triple H.

(Wrestlemania 24 will feature a certain someone facing another certain someone in the main event. I'm not saying Randy Orton will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then kick me in the head? I'm not saying Triple H will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then hit me with the back of your hand as you grip the top of a sledgehammer? You won't? Bless you, my children. Thank you for understanding. On the day of Wrestlemania 24, I will not bring down rain and lightning from the heavens.)

Now, it seems as though Batista is holding back. I know he doesn't want to injure himself again but the more careful someone tries to be to prevent an injury, the more likely an injury will occur. Sadly, his unwillingness to wrestle well hurts my eyes. To measure how good Batista is currently, look no further than every Batista versus King Booker encounter. Five stars... out of 125 stars. "Yeah, I'm back! I want my title back! It's mine!" said Batista a bunch of times, and he got it. Why didn't Booker just reply with "How about no?"

WWE has big plans for Mr. Kennedy. I'm not positive he is deserving of those plans, but he is an excellent talker. His matches leave something to be desired. All in all, I see him as a competent World Champion in the future, but not at the Rumble.

(According to Shawn Michaels, Mr. Kennedy's full name is Kennedy Kennedy. Speaking of jokes that are super hilarious, does anyone want to see Meet the Spartans with me? I will pay for tickets, popcorn, refreshments, and prefreshments. In this film, Donald Trump fires Spider-Man. Why? Spider-Man never cared for Bobby Lashley. Spider-Man watches Ring of Honor DVDs only. He wants Mary Jane Watson to appreciate workrate.)

I predict that this will be a passable match. Batista will do one move and punches. Kennedy will do two moves and punches. Together, they will perform a moving tribute to The Boogeyman's move set.

Prediction: Batista wins by Batista Bomb. Yes, Batista has a bomb. Run.

(Batista won because he had the most tacky tattoos. Batista's dragon beats Ken Kennedy's red tribal design of a wombat or pointy vulture.)

WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match
John Cena (c) vs. Umaga

Did you know that John Cena was in a movie called The Marine? WWE never mentioned this once to me. Why didn't they? It's coming to DVD. Somebody should say something. Hello?

(It's his wife. For the last time, it's his wife. Do you have no soul? Are you deaf? What is this world coming to? Why are you just standing there? Show some compassion, lady and too many gentlemen. It's his wife.)

They had a good story coming out of New Year's Revolution -- John Cena could outsmart Umaga, but could not overpower him. Then, last week on RAW, what do we see? John Cena overpowered Umaga. Average Fan says, "I saw it for free on television. I want to see it again, but this time, I want to pay for it."

I'm under the impression that John Cena will win every big match he's in until he dies. I pray that I'm not right, but I think I will be. I don't know what they'll do with Umaga after his inevitable loss, but they should keep him around. Right now, he could've been a decent Intercontinental Champion in place of Jeff Hardy, who rarely defends it, though I bet I seem odd for thinking that. I just want to see Umaga carry a title down to the ring with his teeth. It makes sense that a savage would try to eat something shiny. I'm not saying that visual makes great television; I just need to see that in my lifetime. I'd also like to see Umaga do The Worm.

(I am not going to sue Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment for stealing my idea of Umaga carrying the Intercontinental Championship with his teeth. In reality, I simply wish for adequate compensation. What is adequatre compensation? Big Daddy V as Chun-Li. Make it happen already. This is a fairly reasonable request.)

John Cena will both STFU and FU Umaga on the Road to WM. I will LOL at my BBQ.

Prediction: John Cena via being John Cena.

(John Cena won with the STFU, loosening the top rope to strangle Umaga into submission. I wouldn't show this ending today for obvious reasons. In its place, I would show two kittens, dressed up as a miniature bride and groom, exchanging kitty vows in a wicker basket. Most of the time, I do not know how to deal with serious issues. This time, I nailed it.)

30-Man Royal Rumble

Didn't they already do the rumble on RAW a few weeks ago? Edge won. Oh, wait -– that was a battle royal, which is like a Royal Rumble except they do not have cookies and milk afterwardz. I know that a battle royal does not have the same entrance rules as the Rumble, but the two are very, very, very similar.

(I do not see the point of having battle royals weeks before or after the Royal Rumble. Sure, battle royals provide the audience with samples of what they will see at the Royal Rumble, though I think the sample they give is too much. Let's put it this way -- if I was a barber trying to sell you a haircut, I wouldn't cut off two-thirds of your hair in the style of your choosing for free, hoping you will pay for the free work anyway. For those of you keeping score at home, I have used a haircut analogy to describe an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Don't look at me like that. I'm not your clown.)

I disliked last year's Rumble, not because Rey Mysterio won it (I am still a fan of his from his WCW days, barring his Eddie Guerrero Tribute Tour '06 Bonanza), but because the actual match wasn't very interesting. I know there has to be spots in the Rumble involving a guy teetering on the top rope while another guy tries to push him off of it, but I saw that about a billion times in the match. I saw this event more times in the RAW Battle Royal. My quota for witnessing that spot has been met many times over.

I'm going to pick The Miz as the first entrant of the 2007 Royal Rumble, because he so crazay. Number two will probably be San Antonio's own Shawn Michaels, who will superkick him and a lot of other wrestlers out of the ring.

As a side note, recently on RAW, Chris Masters said, "No one will beat me (at the Rumble) cause no one can escape my Master Lock!" What does that mean to me? Chris Masters will put The Master Lock on 29 guys and right after they pass out, their bodies will teleport up and over the top rope onto the floor below for the elimination. This is how powerful the Master Lock could be, but I don't think Masters will win.

(Sadly, Masters is gone and I never got the chance to see him utilize this technique. Then again, perhaps this absurd type of elimination will be witnessed at a future Royal Rumble. If the internet rumours are true, I am hoping that Big Show returns as a surprise entrant at this year's event. I want him to show up and use his cobra-clutch backbreaker on all twenty-nine guys. Next, those twenty-nine guys would bounce off of his knee, then flip over the top rope and onto the floor. You see Big Show has hands like skillets and a knee like a really big knee.)

I believe the story of the match will be Shawn Michaels overcoming all odds, just like how he overcame Rated RKO with Triple H. The DX versus Rated RKO feud has been like this: Shawn dominated the team with Triple H; Orton and Edge retailiated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them again; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them once more; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then hitting Ric Flair with chairs. Next, Shawn Michaels beat Orton and Edge up by himself; Rated RK0 will retaliate with another Ric Flair attack. Orton and Edge is showing HBK and HHH who's boss -– not them.

I think this Rumble will go down to Michaels versus Rated RKO. Since Hunter is out, Shawn Michaels will become more powerful by absorbing Triple H's energy through osmosis. Don't ask me how this happen. Edge and Orton will proceed to inadvertently eliminate each other. Rated RKO will retaliate by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then Ric Flair with chairs, then attack Val Venis, who Shawn Michaels greeted in a restaurant once. Finally, they will attack Ric Flair with chairs.

Michaels faces Cena at Wrestlemania 23 in a face-versus-face match, or in a four-way that will include Orton and Edge.

Prediction: Shawn Michaels via the power of Triple H.

(Michaels lost the Rumble to the Undertaker. Despite this fact, he did end up facing Cena at Wrestlemania 23. I give myself half of a point based on my non-existent official point system. I am 222th in the rankings. When Big Daddy V shows up as Chun-Li, I will shoot up to the number one spot. All of you will be weeping, asking the sky, "Why did he have to be right?" In turn, I will be giggling. Now and again, a dude needs to relax on the dance floor with his best chums and giggle.)

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 33rd

Chris Jericho vs. The Rich Texan

You know my Southern drawl, yee-haw
One, shoot the place up
(Shoot up the place)

For those about to fire and have lots of guns
Son, you know you're JR and I'm your Ewing
Son, what I got I made from oil spewing
Bring it through the bank, making millions into billions

Step into the scene and shoot the place up
Step into the scene and shoot the place up

So crude (You know my Southern drawl), so slick
Yee-haw, Yee-haw

The Question:
Who wins and how?



It's the Swerved in HD.



My Raw Roulette

When World Wrestling Entertainment spins the wheel, I try to deal with the boredom of it all. The thrill of gambling does not serve as an intriguing complement for professional wrestling because losing your life savings to a colour over a darker colour is dramatic, but two guys engaging in a violent, predetermined ballet is more or less predictable. For me, an independent woman raising three orphans in the projects all by my lonesome, I watch wrestling on television to suspend my belief and take a breather from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. If Vince McMahon wants to entertain me with a fixed roulette wheel that doesn't even use a ball, he better come up with better matches than Lingerie Pillow Fight and Eat A Sandwich, Then Swim in a Pool When You Are Not Supposed To.

For the morose wrestling fans out there who are currently weeping into their bowls of breakfast cereals because WWE and TNA stifled their spirit to buy milk , The Swerved is here to save the day and night once again. This blog has to do everything. Yesterday, the Swerved had to do the world's laundry. From now on, do your own laundry. This blog is not touching your nasty under and overgarments.

Since the beginning of time (1999), the Swerved has kept a notebook full of gimmick match ideas. For the first time ever, I am going to open up this notebook, rifle through the pages of this notebook, then burn the remains of this notebook. A sexy power such as those that emanate from this notebook is too dangerous to be left out in the open. Once you, the reader, feast your hungry eyes on these tremendous ideas, keep your mouth shut or I will hunt you down and utter some very stern yet very fair criticisms in your direction.

Bed Strange Fellows

Two wrestlers hit on various odd males inside the confines of the wrestling ring. Perhaps one wrestler tries to bed a desheveled hobo who wears a crown made out of newspaper. Maybe the other wrestler sweet-talks a half-man, half-penguin type creature all the way to the mattress. The winner of the Bed Strange Fellows Match will be the competitor who is able to successfully make love to their strange fellow without too much of a fuss. I'm not saying this match is money, but this match is more than likely money. If anything, this match is one gigantic IOU for zillions of dollars.

Last Ham Standing

Each competitor is provided with a large pot-bellied pig. As a tie-in with NBC's revival of the reality game show American Gladiators, the wrestlers bring their pigs into the ring and prop them onto two circular platforms. The pot-bellied pigs are equipped with large jousting sticks that resemble oversized cotton swabs. As the bell rings, each wrestler attempts to coach their pig towards victory. A win is secured when one pigs knocks the entire girth of the other off the platform. As a reward, the winning wrestler gains a future shot at a world championship. At the same time, the pig gets to befriend a spider for the sake of children's literature.

Falling for the Count Anywhere

The Count from Sesame Street tempts each wrestler with a love song on an ominous church organ. The victor of the match will be the grappler who resists the temptation of the Count's swooning techniques the longest. The Count will count from one to the number one-thousand while playing the Top 40 radio hit "Apologize" by OneRepublic, in the background, on his organ. The temptation will not phase such tough competitors as World Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes who are more fans of Bert and Ernie than any other character. On the other hand, Triple H will have to cool himself down with a elegant fan in the fashion of a Southern Belle from Lousiana. Stephanie McMahon does not approve of her husband falling for such a muppet, but she understands that the Count's charm is irresistable for those who are kings of other kings. In the case of Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Count von Count is his world, and we are all just counting in it.

Avenue Fight

While other companies feature wrestlers bashing each other's brains in and out on the street, the talent of World Wrestling Entertainment will take a sharp left turn and battle in the vacant avenues of North America. The only weapon in this battle will be words. Way back when, Scott Steiner and Christopher Nowinski engaged in one of the most fantastic debates in the history of professional wrestling. Let the roulette wheel bring back this long forgotten pastime.

In an Avenue Fight, the number of trash cans is zero because the green-living citizens who reside in the area recycle their apple cores and motor oil to make environmentally friendly cider. Furthermore, the avenue will not have steel chairs. On the streets, steel chairs are aplenty, but this is an avenue, friend. Citizens of avenues do not believe in portable furniture-related mayhem; they believe in global warming instead. Lastly, cookie sheets are non-existent on the avenue. When was the last time you saw an environmentalist bake cookies? In my entire life, mine eyes have not had such a privilege. Even though I have never been to San Francisco, I am almost positive that environmentalists choose not to bake cookies in the city. How are they supposed to bake cookies anyway? San Francisco is full of crazy hills and steep landscapes. They're not going to bake cookies on a slant.

Lingerie Pillows Fight

To appease the randy wrestling fanbase of handsome and well-adjusted male teenagers, I will continue the trend of televised tussles in lingerie. This time, the Swerved is going to change things up a tad by adorning the pillows in the match in lingerie, while the women will dress in bedsheets.

The first female grappler to make a pillow submit will be the winner. I do not know how to make a pillow submit, but I must admit that the opposite sex is much more persuasive than me. The Lingerie Pillows Fight will clock in at just under a minute due to the fact that pillows decked in lingerie is too racy of a visual for live television. Future installments of Raw Roulette will be rated TV-MA. If wrestling fans are willing to pay $39.99 at midnight, they will be able to see these saucy pillows in all of their pillowy glory. WWE can legally show everyone two pillow corners, but for the entire package, you are going to have to cough up some mad cheddar-like doubloonage.

Nicolas Cage

For this bout, Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage will be slowly lowered over the wrestling ring. The opposing competitors or tag teams will wrestle each other for ten minutes. If victory is not secured in that amount of time, Nicolas Cage is lowered further over the ring. Opponents will continue to fight for another ten minutes. If a winner is not determined by that time, Nicolas Cage is lowered to the canvas. At this point of the match, opponents must try to defeat each other using Nicolas Cage as a weapon. Cage is known for spastic movements and quirky delivery. The wrestler or team who finds out how to use Cage's talents to their advantage will secure the W.

If the match exceeds the thirty-minute mark, wrestlers must adopt Nicolas Cage's wonderful Italian accent from Captain Corelli's Mandolin and talk like that for the remainder of the match. The viewer who can tolerate this unfortunate turn of events may be the true winner of this battle. Best of luck to all participants.

Give Diplomatic Immunity to a Midget

The following match on the roulette wheel is dedicated to the little people out there in professional wrestling land who can't catch a break. For several years, for some purpose unbeknownst to me, WWE has tried to encourage their wrestlers to capture midgets for the company's own amusement. Listen up, officials of McMahonville. Midgets are people just like you. Even though they are not the size of regular folk, they are grown-ups too. They have to go work; they have to eat food; they wear shoes. Small individuals completing averaged-sized tasks is not amusing, nor is it laugh-out loud funny. I say pish-tosh and good day to you, Vince McMahon and Company. I declare diplomatic immunity for midgets everywhere. Hip, hip, hooray.

In this bout, two wrestlers will fight for the rights of little people. The little person will be trapped inside of a safe perched up in one corner of the ring. The first wrestler to open the safe and give the midget true freedom will be the winner and undisputed philanthropist of the century. In the end, the little person will not be subject to professional wrestling-related taxes. Goodbye, suplex tax.

Singapore Can

The Singapore Can Match is a battle unlike any other match that uses tin cans from the country of Singapore. In order to win this bout, one wrestler must scale a ladder and snatch the Singapore Can that dangles over the ring. If the wrestler successfully obtains the can, he or she may use it as a weapon on the opponent. Additionally, the wrestler may also use the can as a six-year-old child's primitive phone to call an ally for assistance in the match. If the opponent takes the can from the wrestler who first obtained it, he or she may also use the can as a weapon and or phone too. If the opponent wishes to call someone, he or she will need to hang up the phone first.

The opponent's struggle to hang up a tin can phone will entertain the masses for thousands of lifetimes.

This WWEek in Gimmick Matches of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the gimmick match, a staple in the modern wrestling scene that should be reserved to settle feuds but ends up being used to spark short-term television ratings, is a fan of Hannah Montana?

A: Who isn't? She's got the best of both worlds, man.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Wrestling in Video Games: David Flair's Immortal Kombat



Lingerie pillow fights have taught me that mattresses hurt. From this point forward, I'm sleeping on a bed of nails.


Some people call me a Space Cowboy, others call me an Italian hairdresser named Gina.

The Motion Pictured: The Marine (Part 2)

John Cena stars as John Triton in WWE's Films The Marine, which is not fair. When I'm John Triton, I don't get to be in a film.

XIX: Elements of Nature

Rome and his cronies walk through a swamp. Kate, on the shoulder of Rocket Launcher Man, gains a second wind and starts to pummel her carrier with axe handles and a knee to his rocket launching face. She hops off Rocket Launcher Man's shoulders and slaps Sexy Accomplice across the face with her tied hands. She tries to run away, but Rome Crony #4 snatches her.

Sexy Accomplice: If you and I are going to be friends, you're going to have to learn some manners.

Sexy Accomplice slaps her in the face and calls her a bitch. You could cut the tension between the two with a sexy knife. Meanwhile, Rocket Launcher Man complains to Rome about their watery trek. Rome reminds him that Rocket Launcher Man was the one who killed the cops with a rocket launcher, which forced them to retreat in such a primitive fashion. Rocket Launcher Man is frustrated that the crew is blaming a black man, so he pulls a gun on Rome Crony #5, which forces Rome to pull a gun on him. Rome calms the scene down with his words, then shoots Rome Crony #5 with his bullets. The crew leaves the scene as Rocket Launcher Man watches crocodiles eat Rome Crony #5. I don't know what you're thinking, crocodiles. Rome Crony #5 has too many carbohydrates.

XX: The Passion of the Expository Investigator

Expository Investigator drives his expository car and speaks to an officer over a walkie talkie. At the scene of John's crash, the police officer claims that nobody could have survived the ordeal. Expository Investigator, out of character, simply wants to be kept informed, even though he saw John Triton beforehand. Expository Investigator is reliable with secrets, much like a ten-year-old girl's diary under lock and key.

XXI: Searchers

Rome's crew ducks down low as they walk through the swamp. This move should make them automatically invisible. A police speedboat and helicopter maneuver down the river in search for the group. You won't find them because they are ducking pretty low, officers. A gaggle of officers on foot lead Rome-sniffing dogs after the quintet. Also in search for Rome's crew, John encounters a blood-covered tree stump and runs away with a knife-esque weapon.

XXII: The Helicopter Hovers Over A Swampside House

The helicopter hovers over a swampside house. I'm the Expository Investigator's protégé.

XXIII: Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome-ophone

Rome gets a call from the mysterious man who first spoke to him during the Sexy Accomplice strip show. Rome runs down the crimes he has committed as late: triple homicide and a kidnapping. Rome deems these events as a game called "You're Out." What a terrible game, T-1000. You have made me play a game called "I'm Out." Rome tells the man that he will get no diamonds, there will be no payoff, and there will be no nothing.

Rome takes another call on his phone. Will there be "Rome-ing" fees for this one? Yes, there will because that was the stupidest pun ever. In response to the lady on the other end, Rome asks her about the premium and sports channel package. Rome likes his television options, as do I. In the distance, a helicopter flies around, forcing the crew to seek cover next to a fallen tree. Once the helicopter leaves, Rome's crew continues their scenic walk.

Somewhere in the wilderness, John notices the shoeprints of his wife and kidnappers. In his hand is the knife-esque dagger, which could be used to cut dense cakes. He continues to follow the trail of Rome and jumps over several large tree branches and trunks.

XXIV: Actually, I See Many Brothers in Deliverance

With Kate, the crew walks some more. Rocket Launcher Man sees a snake and freaks out. He tells Rome Crony #4 that there are no brothers in Deliverance. He also says that brothers don't camp. I don't have a brother, but I'm sure someone's brother enjoys camping. Although, sisters don't farm. Rome questions why Rocket Launcher Man always has to argue using race. When Rome asks Kate what she thinks about it, she calls Rome's crew psychotic. Why, Kate? It is because Sexy Accomplice likes to farm?

Rome has light-hearted words with Kate. As flighty Looney Tunes music plays in the background, Rome tells Kate that they could have had a future if Sexy Accomplice wasn't so sexy. Kate calls him insane. Why don't you at least try farming, Kate? You might enjoy it.

XXV: Running Your Trap

Two thugs (one in flannel and the other in a tanktop) mistake John for a cop. During his calming hike, John is caught in a net that scoops him up off the ground. He uses his trusty cake dagger to escape from the net. As soon as he gets to his feet, flannel guy points a shotgun to John's face. John holds the cake dagger to the man's throat and assures him that he is not a cop. The tanktop thug smacks John in the back of the head with a piece of wood and takes him out. What can't wood do?

XXVI: Fine House

A speedboat investigator moves up to the swampside house. The officer coming out of the house finds nothing. Expository Investigator, taking the longest drive in expository investigating history, demands that they investigate all shacks on the riverbed. As the speedboat leaves, Rome scopes out the area from afar. Rome talks to his cronies about the house. They will enter the house once the cops retreat. At that time, he could also turn liquid silver, but I'm just making a suggestion.

XXVII: Triton's Thinking Chair

Inside a shack which appears to double as a meth lab, an unconscious John Triton is secured to a wooden chair. He regains consciousness and is treated with a punch to the face, courtesy of the tanktopper. When John tries to convince tanktopper and the flannel friend that he is not a cop, he is punched in the face again. Moral of the story--don't do anything. Finally, John admits that he is a cop; the two become angry at this news. The helicopter sounds above and distracts the tanktopper, which allows John to headbutt the guy, spin around in the air, and break his chair on the landing. What the frick, John? I made that chair for you.

John spinkicks tanktopper and engages in a fight with the flannel friend. John is tossed into a table full of chemicals, gets up without harm, and spears the flannel friend through a pillar. I made that pillar for you and your wife, Triton. With a job well done, he sprints out of the shack and hops along the swamp woods. I'm done building you things in my woodshop.

XXVIII: Shack Attack Foreshadowing

Rome and his crew cross the river and make their way into the other shack.

Rome Crony #4: Did something die in here?
Rocket Launcher Man: I don't know, but it smells like baked ass.

Rocket Launcher Man has vendettas against soccer mothers, one-hundred-and-ten-pound women, and baked asses. I do not like him. Rome commands Rocket Launcher Man to find a generator. Rome's request does not sit well with him. He fears that outdoor white folk, craving some man love, will get to him. Well, not with that attitude, you fool. Rocket Launcher Man shares a camp memory involving a counsellor by the name of Johnny Whiplash. The counsellor offered friendship, rock candy, and man love. Rome brushes off the story and tells him to go find a generator. I bet some man love is hiding behind the generator.

Kate sits at a table and slides her hand through the knot that cuffs her. Rocket Launcher Man steps outside to find the generator. He walks underneath the lodge, flips on switches, and presses a button. The lodge lights up and begins to play music from the jukebox. Rome says that's cool. Rome is cool.

XXIX: Flying Son of Matt Damon and Kevin Bacon

In the midst of the jukebox song, Rocket Launcher Man hears a strange noise behind him. When he turns around, John bursts through a flimsy wall of wood and pounches on him. John attempts to stab Rocket Launcher Man with the cake dugger, but Rocket Launcher Man overpowers John and forces him backwards. John and Rocket Launcher Man fight with various home and garden tools until John retains his cake dagger and stabs Rocket Launcher Man in the stomach. Use the rocket launcher. Use it now. Too late. Rocket Launcher Man dies.

XXX: This Scene is Brought to You by Miller Lite

Rome takes a sip from a beer bottle and exits the lodge. He cellular phones Frank, the garage owner who tried to give Rocket Launcher Man the van. A woman in a bikini answers and hands the phone over to Frank. A woman in a bikini is typing this review for me as I dictate it to her. Rome tells Frank that is going to Plan B--he wants Frank to have a car ready for him at Rita's down by the marina. Rome thinks out loud that his crew may be headed for Phoenix. Little does he know that John is hearing this conversation below him. John has ears like a bat who is also a marine.

XXXI: PoPo and Regina Dialogues

Sexy Accomplice and Kate have a talk. Sexy Accomplice sits on a chair AC Slater style, which is sexy I guess. Kate calls Sexy Accomplice pathetic and Rome's puppet. Sexy Accomplice walks away in disgust. She doesn't like farming, Sexy Accomplice. Don't listen to her.
At the bar, Rome informs Rome Crony #4 of the plan. A guy in Phoenix will move their diamonds for them. This news good news because diamonds are sometimes pointy and heavy. Rome instructs Rome Crony #4 (he calls him Bennett) to find a way to start the boat on the pier and check on Rocket Launcher Man. He dead. He dead forever.

XXXII: Ambushing the Guy Who Has Just Been Given A Proper Name

Bennett stands out on the pier and calls out for Morgan (Dead Rocket Launcher Man) with gun in possession. John sneak attacks Bennett and the gun falls into the water. Bennett and John trade punches, then John grabs Bennett by the throat and chokeslams him into a pile of crates. At this point, I assume John stomps on Bennett's neck. That was Y2Cheap. Thank you for teaching me the meaning of that confusing insult. He drags Bennett over next to Dead Rocket Launcher Man and covers them in a blanket.

Expository Investigator appears. John holds up his hands. Expository Investigator gazes down at the bodies and gets word from John that two baddies are left. Expository Investigator tells John to stay where he is at, though John refuses. Expository Investigator gives him the okay. The Expository Investigator's blessing is similar to a blessing from the Pope.

XXXIII: Lights Out

The lodge lights shut off; Kate takes that as a cue to run for it. When I experience a blackout in my neighbourhood, I run in place just in case the blackout is temporary (I don't want to run to another place for no reason). Sexy Accomplice runs after Kate down the steps. Kate slips and falls but manages to get up. Sexy Accomplice catches up and wrestles her to the ground. Kate stands up first and kicks Sexy Accomplice in the abdomen. They slap and slap and slap and slap. Kate kicks her over a stack of barrels, only for Sexy Accomplice to return to her feet and point a gun in Kate's direction.

John rolls into the lodge and asks Rome about Kate's whereabouts. Rome laughs as Expository Investigator makes a dramatic entrance with a serious face and a serious firearm. Rome tells John that Expository Investigator will not act until he gets his diamonds, or in this swervilicious swerving case, his cut. Thank you, World Wrestling Entertainment, for paying homage to this blog for the thousandth time. John turns to Expository Investigator and realizes that the gun is pointed at his face. Don't do it or tell me about doing it in extreme detail, man.

Swervy Investigator demands that Rome hand over the diamonds. Rome calms him down and claims that they will split it if Swervy Investigator shoots John. Before Swervy Investigator decides, John swings around and grabs him. Rome shoots at John but pegs Swervy Investigator instead. Sparks fly everywhere and beer bottles shatter. John seeks cover behind the bar. Rome exits and informs Sexy Accomplice that John is not dead. The propane tank underneath the lodge eats Rome's bullets and another explosion explodes within a exploding explosive explosion with explosivity. In perfect timing, John leaps out of the lodge window while the entire place shatters into pieces. This film has no respect for buildings and dwellings.

XXXIV: Here They Go

Against Kate's wishes, Rome and Sexy Accomplice stuff her in the trunk of Swervy Investigator's vehicle and drive away. John emerges from the water and watches them leave. A police boat appears and the officer instructs John to get out of the water with his hands above his head. While the officer attempts to place handcuffs on him, John spins around, cuffs the officer, and takes his gun. That's not altruistic.

In Rome's car, Sexy Accomplice asks Rome if she may keep a diamond. When Rome replies that they should be able to work something out, Sexy Accomplice mounts him as he drives. She returns to her seat and takes possession of the diamond loot for safe keeping. Officers try to contact Swervy Investigator over the radio, which worries Rome. He has a plan for getting rid of the car. He has many a plan.

XXXV: Many A Plan

Sexy Accomplice hails a semi with her sexiness, then shoots the driver. Rome takes control of the semi and drives down the road.

At night, John appears on the river, manning the police boat. In the semi, Kate notices John on the boat and attacks Rome with her uncuffed hand to distract him. John jumps off the boat and runs after the semi. John channels the leaping power of a spider monkey and lands on the semi's bed. He walks around the side, opens the passenger door, grabs Sexy Accomplice, and throws her in the opposite lane. She smashes through a bus windshield. Diamonds, bloody diamonds, shards of glass, and bloody shards of glass twinkle on the bus floor.

Rome tries to shoot John, but Kate pushes Rome's hand away. Rome watches John and drives the right side of the semi into a wooden shack. More sparks and wooden pieces fly around John as he ducks his head down and braces for the impact. John loses his grip as Rome drives into a open shed with an aluminum canopy. Next, Rome takes the semi into another shack full of explosive barrels. Explosions are great and all, yet I don't think I can make a lifelong commitment to them. Rome jumps out of the semi with Kate still handcuffed inside. Kate reaches for the steering wheel while John runs after the truck. Ten more explosions occur. For the last time, I see no future with explosions. I'm sorry.

XXXVI: Epicness

In mid-stride, John gets tripped up by Rome. Kate screams as the truck breaks through a set of windows and dips into the water. This action-packed predicament sets off another explosion. Kate struggles underwater and John struggles with Rome above ground. Rome swings his pipe at John, failing to make contact. John flips Rome up and over himself, then is caught in a burning wood implosion. Rome walks up to John, punches him a few times, and connects with a sledgehammer shot to John's abdomen. Insert Triple H joke somewhere here. Rome picks up a chainsaw conveniently placed next to him and marches towards John. John holds up a wrench to block Rome's chainsaw swing. John throws the wrench away and the chainsaw goes with it. He punches Rome some more until he falls into the fire, surrounded by flammable barrels. John knows what is about to happen and exits the place. He dives into the water to cue the first explosion ever to be seen in the film.

John swims to the submerged truck and finds Kate floating unconscious. While Kate is handcuffed to a steel bar, John utilizes superhuman strength to rip it loose. He carries her out of the water and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. For some reason, an explosion goes off as he performs this task. Why, motion picture, why?

Eventually, John revives his wife. Kate chokes up water, then John hugs her. An explosion perhaps? No? Damn you, motion picture. Suddenly, a charred and bloody Rome tries to strangle John with a steel chain. John fights back and strangles Rome in mid-air with the chain. John immediately returns to his beloved and makes a funny.

John: We should have gone to the beach.

Kate laughs. I'm telling you, Kate. You should have exploded right there. Amidst the fiery wreckage, John and Kate embrace some more. The end? The end. The credits? Explosion? No, just credits.

The Verdict: I give The Marine three See No Evils out of five Condemneds. Explosion.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Wrestling in Video Games: Mysterio Interrupts Duck Hunt



The conclusion of The Marine.


When will Smackdown stop facing RAW and make amends? In 2009, I want a wrestling game entitled "Smackdown and RAW: We Coo' Fo' Now."

The Motion Pictured: The Marine (Part 1)

The Marine (2006)

Cast of Characters

John Cena ..... John Triton
Kelly Carlson ..... Kate Triton
Robert Patrick ..... Rome

John Cena stars as United States Marine John Triton in WWE Films' The Marine. Meanwhile, I can't have nice things.

I: America: Hells to the Yes

Sweeping silver graphics up the audience's collective arses. Triton, in full Marine garb, salutes nobody in particular. An American flag waves under his feet to act like an American hill, which represents American pride. John Cena is never going to play a Marine from Singapore, which is horrible, terrible, and disappointing for most.

II: Ghost II, This is Echo I

Al Qaeda compund
100 miles outside Tikrit

Al and his masked Qaedas hold American Marines hostage. One bad man who is not from America holds a digital camcorder because this type of event needs to be on YouTube under the tags America and pwned. Another bad man who is not from America speaks non-American things to the soldiers. In the shadows, John Triton appears with his face covered in black streaks and grease because it's Casual Friday. Just as one masked hostile is about to behead a Marine, Triton enters the place with guns of fury. He shoots a lot, punches a lot, uses a hostile as a shield, and snaps the neck of one bad man with a kick.

Triton and the Marines jog to the helicopter, which is being attacked by outdoor hostiles. Triton says that since they cannot get around them, they will have to go through them. Just ask nicely, Cena. Give a dude some Fun Size Hershey's. Damn.

III: Ops-ie Daisy

Marine Corps Special Operations
Command - Stuttgart, Germany

Marines are pumping iron. An important looking colonel walks into the room and requests Triton's presence outside. Triton is nervous about it and glistens in dark blue, unnatural light. Colonel Fiddle Faddle tells Triton that he is being discharged (with honours) for not following orders.

John: But Colonel, I'm a Marine.
Colonel Fiddle Faddle: One of the best.

Colonel Fiddle Faddle thanks Triton for his loyal service. They salute each other, but they should be saluting me since Colonel Fiddle Faddle is a great name for a high-ranking military official.

IV: He's Leaving on a Jet Plane in Coach

John Triton takes a plane and taxi ride home to his wife Kate Triton, played by Kelly Carlson, who is not to be confused with Kelly Clarkson unless you feel like it. Since he's been gone, Kate has been sitting at the dinner table alone waiting for Triton to F-U her dinner. Now that he's back, she's like, "Aw yeah, I'm having venison tonight." Immediately after he pays the driver, Kate runs out of the house and into John's arms. What a hungry floozy you are, Mrs. Triton. They begin to passionately kiss all the way to the bedroom, then find themselves in the kitchen somehow in their undergarments. Marines can teleport, everybody.

John: I'm home now and I'm not going anywhere.
Me: But you just teleported to the kitchen.

Mr. Triton takes Mr. Triton back to the bedroom.

Kate: Where are we going?
John: To make me happy.
Me: But you said you weren't going anywhere. You are a double liar. In fact, "To make me happy" is not even an actual place. You are a triple liar.

V: T-1000 is Villainous

In a fancy black town car somewhere in South Carolina, Robert Patrick shows up in the film as Rome. He tells off his passenger for a terrible Scarface impression. For your information Rome, Scarface is the official favourite movie of gangster rappers who do not understand the point of said movie's story. Rome walks in slow motion across the street into a jewelry store and knocks out a security guard. His cronies point guns in various vicinities as Rome takes a female customer hostage. He asks the guard inside the futuristic jewelry bank to open the bulletproof door. To my surprise, the customer turns out to be a sexy accomplice, which is always the best kind, and helps the other cronies keep the customers on the floor.

Rome requests the jewelry bank guard to fill a sack with diamonds; the guard does it muchly. The guard asks to be shot by Rome to make the robbery look real to the cops. Rome pegs him between the eyes, which does not make much sense to me since the second to last thing that I want to do is get shot by Mulder's replacement on the X-Files in a movie produced by World Wrestling Entertainment. Rome announces his farewell to the customers. His goodbye made me sad because I already know he is the best part of this movie.

VI: T-1000 is Still Villainous

Rome and his cronies leave the store and shoot up incoming police vehicles. One bald man uses the rocket launcher that he keeps in his change purse to send one squad car straight into the sky. Rome walks to his own car in slow motion. I'm typing this in slow motion. I'm so cool.

VII: Remnants of Rome's Villainy

Crime Scene Investigators survey the jewelry place. One expository investigator speaks to an officer and tells the audience what they just saw. Rome's crew came into the store, stole twelve million dollars worth of diamonds that were delivered twenty-four hours ago. Expository investigator jokingly proposes that they ask the dead jewelry bank guard about the robbery. Well, if he could talk, he wouldn't speak to you because you are lame, sir.

VIII: Triton's Jobbing

Triton appears in a white dress shirt and black tie, stuck behind the lobby desk of a large, important, city skyscraper. His goofy peer explains to him the perks of the job. Triton questions why his friend has been working for nine years in the same position. Before the guy can answer, the phone rings. Trite-Man and his trusty pal Robin answer a disturbance call somewhere in the building. Several floors up, a boyfriend questions his girlfriend at her desk in a disturbing manner, using terms like whore and whore house, in her specific direction. When Triton asks the man to co-operate with security, the boyfriend calls him "Porkchop" and "Flat Top." That's something else, home skillet. Triton forces the man to the elevator and escorts him to the lobby.

In front of the hotel entrance, a skirmish involving Trite-Man and Robin against the angry boyfriend's gang ensues. Triton punches a lot, gets an expensive wacky porcelain object broken over his back, punches some more, and throws the angry boyfriend through a plate glass window. The guy stands up and threatens Triton before leaving. This guy is two-point-five times stronger than Shane McMahon.

IX: Deep Thoughts

In an outdoor restaurant, Trite-Man and Robin have beers by the pier. They toast to Triton's first and perhaps last day on the job. Trite-Man explains to Robin why being a Marine is more important to him than any security job. Robin tells Trite-Man that even though his time as a Marine is over, his life is not. Trite-man tells Robin that he is going to go home to see his wife. Robin states that Trite-man's wife is hot. Since Triton's been gone, she has suffered from a thousand-degree fever; Robin is right. Holy hopscotch on a Tuesday, Trite-Man.

X: Rome Was Built in a Week, Maybe

Rome and his Sexy Accomplice enter a luxurious hotel room. Rome explains to Sexy Accomplice that the futuristic jewelry bank guard was shot because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Sexy Accomplice suggests that the dead cops and witnesses from the robbery may hinder their future endeavours. Rome assures Sexy Accomplice that they are safe with a sultry kiss. One of those days, Sexy Accomplice will try to kiss Rome and he will turn liquid silver.

A cell phone call interrupts their makeout session. The man on the other end of the line calls Rome an American bastard. Sexy Accomplice undresses before Rome's eyes. Rome tells the man that he has gained control. For some reason, he walks away from the Sexy Accomplice and bets the man's ass that he has control. Rome makes plans with the man, most likely betting his own ass and other's asses in the process. At noon tomorrow, the man will get his diamonds and Rome will get his money. Who is going to get Sexy Accomplice? She is standing there with her lady parts out and nobody is buying. I'll pay twenty doubloons for her anterior appendages.

XI: Trite-Man is Home

Robin drops Trite-Man off at his modest lair. Kate is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, always waiting for John. Kate's occupation is to wait for her husband for all eternity. She is doing great. John is hesitant to tell Kate about the events of the day, but does not have to since the television suddenly turns itself on and shows a news story about John throwing the uncooperative guy through the window. John tells Kate that he can't sit around the house (Kate has that covered) and not work. He also dislikes windows because they are too clean and cocky.

Kate suggests that they take a vacation anywhere, such as the location that will kickstart this story. Kate tickles John until he says yes. One day, I pray that a serious professional wrestler adopts tickling as his submission finisher. When that happens, I will finally be happy.

XII: Rocket Launcher Man

The bald man who blew up that police car earlier in the movie shows up in an industrial-looking garage that holds several sports cars. While a large guy pats him down, Morgan, also known as Rocket Launcher Man, recognizes the guard as Lincoln Kennedy, a former pro football player. The guard refuses to respond. When Lincoln finds a firearm in Morgan's pocket, he drags him over to the owner of the establishment and hands over the weapon.

Rome's crew is in need of a new vehicle. The owner and Morgan walk over to a minivan parked at the other end of the garage. Morgan says,"I'm a criminal, not a soccer mom." I don't know about that, Morgan. Your left ear shares features akin to soccer mothers. Morgan refuses to drive the van and tells the owner that he is a black man. So, Morgan, would you rather be a black man than a soccer mom? What does Morgan have against soccer mothers? The owner assures Morgan that the inconspicuous minivan is perfect for Rome's crew.

As he stares at the white van with wood panelling, Morgan notices a black Cadillac in the corner of his eye. He analyzes the Cadillac for a few seconds, then speeds out of the garage in the car mere seconds later. Rocket Launcher Man is intending to mow down soccer mothers, no doubt. The Cadillac displays a Las Vegas bumper sticker. Las Vegas is a straight-A student and or on the honour roll.

XIII: Triton Family Vacation

Mr. and Mrs. Triton drive down an oceanside road with trees and junk. The soundtrack plays the song Sunshine by Lollypop: "I can call you my baby boy, you can call me your baby girl. Maybe we could spend some time, I can be your sunshine." Dear Vince McMahon, please make Sunshine by Lollypop the new entrance theme for Umaga. When he walks down to the ring, he should be wearing some sort of flower costume. His face should appear in the midst of the petals. Thank you very much. Sincerely, The Swerved.

Kate recollects her camp memories in the mountains. John tells a heartwarming tale of a mountain memory involving his father, Fiddle Faddle Triton. The Marine is warming the cockles of my heart, wherever they are; I think they are in my heart. John stops the Navigator at a gas station called ManZe. Kate requests a Diet Coke and compliments her husband's posterior. Now, how will she get that Diet Coke, you ask? By waiting for it. Kate Triton is working overtime.

XIV: Triton Family Emergency

Oh crap. Oh crappity crap, crap, crap. Rome passes John on his way into the station. In fact, Rome's cronies are at the station, including Sexy Accomplice holding Sexy Doritos and Sexy Orange Juice. Anything but the Sexy Orange Juice--too much concentrated sexy. Back outside, a cop car parks behind Rome's vehicle. An officer chit chats with Rome about Cadillacs and Vegas. Rocket Launcher Man shoots the police officer in the back of the head. You suck, Rocket Launcher Man. That police officer wasn't talking about soccer mothers.

Sensing danger, Triton tries to run out of the store, but Rome Crony #4 smacks him in the face with the fire extinguisher. For future reference, Rome Crony #4 does not know how to use a fire extinguisher. Rome shoots at the other policeman until the officer reverses the car into a pile of tires. Back inside the store, Sexy Accomplice shoots the gas station employee to get rid of a witness. Once more outside, Rome instructs his crew to take over the Triton Family Lincoln Navigator. Somebody likes Lincoln a whole bunch. Half of the crew wifenap Kate as Rome remarks that she might be effective as a hostage. She's a great waiter. Does that help?

XV: Did Somebody Say Explosion?

John comes to from the fire extinguisher shot and hears his lady screaming. Outside the station, Kate is forced back into the Triton Navigator in blurry slow motion. John responds to this effect by running out of the store. Rocket Launcher Man tries to one-up himself by shooting the gas leak near one of the station's pumps. Rome commands that Rocket Launcher man return to the truck. Rome and his crew leave the premises before a gigantic explosion destroys the gas station. In the store, John is flung backwards and manages to escape unharmed due to his flannel shirt and optimistic attitude. Kate looks on as mushroom clouds of fire billow from the station. Triton runs out of the fire, notices Rome and his crew drive off in the distance, and slow motion sprints to the police car to avoid yet another explosion. Slow motion, slow motion, slow motion. I like slow motion and all, but as a friend only.

John drags the wounded police officer out of the vehicle and drives the car away from the wreckage. He uses a billy club to tear the windshield flush off the vehicle and drives really, really, really fast.

John: Highway Patrol, this is John Triton. We have officers down at ManZe's Gas. Mulitple assailants: four men, one woman headed southbound on I-95 in a black Navigator. They have a hostage...




It's my wife.

XVI: Car Chase Car

Sexy Accomplice finds an identification tag in the Navigator. She announces to the rest of the crew that Kate Triton married John Triton, a Marine. This part of the film useful to my understanding of the story because I thought John Triton was a glass blower. Sexy Accomplice asks Kate if she married him for benefits. Kate reacts by showing Sexy Accomplice some loyalty, a little hustle, but no respect. John did not teach her right.

John speeds down the highway. Rocket Launcher Man gathers his many weapons in preparation for the fight. For the second time, he refers to rock candy (he talked about it in the garage scene as well). Soccer mothers love rock candy and Rocket Launcher Man cannot deal with this truth. Rome Crony #4, Rocket Launcher Man, and Sexy Accomplice blast bullet after bullet towards John. In response, Triton holds up a bullet proof vest and shields himself from the onslaught. He swerves many times in honour of this great American blog. Go, young man, go.

John loads a gun of his own and drives next to the Navigator. Rome drives the vehicle right into the police car. Rome and John drive side by side through road construction, men in hard hats, and convenient ramps. In a super moment, John drives through a crane tractor and the roof of the police car is ripped right off the vehicle. Rome Crony #4 states that John is just like the Terminator. In response, Rome stares in the rear view mirror at me. I had nothing to do with that reference, Mr. Patrick. Don't blame me. Blame the system.

XVII: More Car Chase Car

Kate leaps from her seat and wraps her arm around Rome's face to mess up his driving activity. By accident, Rome almost drives over a cliff but manages to back up and reverse in time to save them. Next, Triton's police car launches through the air, using the hood of the Navigator as a ramp. Rome and his Romian cronies shoot at the vehicle as it spins in flight. At the last second, John escapes the car before it explodes and crashes into the murky waters below.

Kate screams at Rome and the Romian cronies and calls them murdering sons of bitches. Sexy Accomplice holds a gun to Kate's chin, but Rome instructs her to leave her alive. Sexy Accomplice ties Kate up in a not so sexy way. Rocket Launcer Man and Rome Crony #5 get into an argument, then a fight, which is stopped by Rome with a warning gunshot. With the Navigator totaled, Rome decides to walk with his crew down stream to evade the cops. Kate tells Sexy Accomplice to go to hell when Sexy Accomplice asks what the crew should do with her. As a reply, Sexy Accomplice pistol whips Mrs. Triton in the face. Sexy Accomplice does not know Kate's superior waiting skills. I'm guessing Sexy Accomplice will get her comeuppance soon. Rome instructs Rocket Launcher Man to carry Kate. Rocket Launcher Man flips out. I feel for you, Morgan. Carrying a woman who is probably one-hundred-and-twenty pounds at most is impossible. Plus, that job is for soccer mothers.

XVIII: Another Police Line: Do Not Cross Again

Expository investigator returns on screen to take a look at the aftermath of the gas station explosion. He tells another officer that Triton's description of Rome and his crew shares similarities with the characteristics of the group that robbed the diamond store the other day. In conclusion, expository investigator loves to tell, but hates to show. He would be a poor writer.

Moments later, he gets a walkie talkie call about the car accident involving the Navigator and the police car. When he arrives at the scene, he encounters John and pulls a gun on him. He assumes that John Triton is John Triton. Good call, sir. Expository Investigator Van Buren tells John that he cannot give him permission to puruse his wife and the wifenappers.

Expository Investigator: I've seen what these guys can do. You better hurry.

John Triton hurries. Why? Stop listening to the investigator, characters of the movie. He is not amazing. If the expository investigator told you to jump off a bridge, he would explain what would happen when you jumped off that bridge in meticulous detail. Don't do anything that he says.