Monday, January 07, 2008

The Motion Pictured: The Marine (Part 1)


The Marine (2006)

Cast of Characters


John Cena ..... John Triton
Kelly Carlson ..... Kate Triton
Robert Patrick ..... Rome

John Cena stars as United States Marine John Triton in WWE Films' The Marine. Meanwhile, I can't have nice things.


I: America: Hells to the Yes

Sweeping silver graphics up the audience's collective arses. Triton, in full Marine garb, salutes nobody in particular. An American flag waves under his feet to act like an American hill, which represents American pride. John Cena is never going to play a Marine from Singapore, which is horrible, terrible, and disappointing for most.


II: Ghost II, This is Echo I

IRAQ
Al Qaeda compund
100 miles outside Tikrit

Al and his masked Qaedas hold American Marines hostage. One bad man who is not from America holds a digital camcorder because this type of event needs to be on YouTube under the tags America and pwned. Another bad man who is not from America speaks non-American things to the soldiers. In the shadows, John Triton appears with his face covered in black streaks and grease because it's Casual Friday. Just as one masked hostile is about to behead a Marine, Triton enters the place with guns of fury. He shoots a lot, punches a lot, uses a hostile as a shield, and snaps the neck of one bad man with a kick.

Triton and the Marines jog to the helicopter, which is being attacked by outdoor hostiles. Triton says that since they cannot get around them, they will have to go through them. Just ask nicely, Cena. Give a dude some Fun Size Hershey's. Damn.


III: Ops-ie Daisy

Marine Corps Special Operations
Command - Stuttgart, Germany

Marines are pumping iron. An important looking colonel walks into the room and requests Triton's presence outside. Triton is nervous about it and glistens in dark blue, unnatural light. Colonel Fiddle Faddle tells Triton that he is being discharged (with honours) for not following orders.

John: But Colonel, I'm a Marine.
Colonel Fiddle Faddle: One of the best.

Colonel Fiddle Faddle thanks Triton for his loyal service. They salute each other, but they should be saluting me since Colonel Fiddle Faddle is a great name for a high-ranking military official.


IV: He's Leaving on a Jet Plane in Coach

John Triton takes a plane and taxi ride home to his wife Kate Triton, played by Kelly Carlson, who is not to be confused with Kelly Clarkson unless you feel like it. Since he's been gone, Kate has been sitting at the dinner table alone waiting for Triton to F-U her dinner. Now that he's back, she's like, "Aw yeah, I'm having venison tonight." Immediately after he pays the driver, Kate runs out of the house and into John's arms. What a hungry floozy you are, Mrs. Triton. They begin to passionately kiss all the way to the bedroom, then find themselves in the kitchen somehow in their undergarments. Marines can teleport, everybody.

John: I'm home now and I'm not going anywhere.
Me: But you just teleported to the kitchen.


Mr. Triton takes Mr. Triton back to the bedroom.

Kate: Where are we going?
John: To make me happy.
Me: But you said you weren't going anywhere. You are a double liar. In fact, "To make me happy" is not even an actual place. You are a triple liar.



V: T-1000 is Villainous

In a fancy black town car somewhere in South Carolina, Robert Patrick shows up in the film as Rome. He tells off his passenger for a terrible Scarface impression. For your information Rome, Scarface is the official favourite movie of gangster rappers who do not understand the point of said movie's story. Rome walks in slow motion across the street into a jewelry store and knocks out a security guard. His cronies point guns in various vicinities as Rome takes a female customer hostage. He asks the guard inside the futuristic jewelry bank to open the bulletproof door. To my surprise, the customer turns out to be a sexy accomplice, which is always the best kind, and helps the other cronies keep the customers on the floor.

Rome requests the jewelry bank guard to fill a sack with diamonds; the guard does it muchly. The guard asks to be shot by Rome to make the robbery look real to the cops. Rome pegs him between the eyes, which does not make much sense to me since the second to last thing that I want to do is get shot by Mulder's replacement on the X-Files in a movie produced by World Wrestling Entertainment. Rome announces his farewell to the customers. His goodbye made me sad because I already know he is the best part of this movie.


VI: T-1000 is Still Villainous

Rome and his cronies leave the store and shoot up incoming police vehicles. One bald man uses the rocket launcher that he keeps in his change purse to send one squad car straight into the sky. Rome walks to his own car in slow motion. I'm typing this in slow motion. I'm so cool.


VII: Remnants of Rome's Villainy

Crime Scene Investigators survey the jewelry place. One expository investigator speaks to an officer and tells the audience what they just saw. Rome's crew came into the store, stole twelve million dollars worth of diamonds that were delivered twenty-four hours ago. Expository investigator jokingly proposes that they ask the dead jewelry bank guard about the robbery. Well, if he could talk, he wouldn't speak to you because you are lame, sir.


VIII: Triton's Jobbing

Triton appears in a white dress shirt and black tie, stuck behind the lobby desk of a large, important, city skyscraper. His goofy peer explains to him the perks of the job. Triton questions why his friend has been working for nine years in the same position. Before the guy can answer, the phone rings. Trite-Man and his trusty pal Robin answer a disturbance call somewhere in the building. Several floors up, a boyfriend questions his girlfriend at her desk in a disturbing manner, using terms like whore and whore house, in her specific direction. When Triton asks the man to co-operate with security, the boyfriend calls him "Porkchop" and "Flat Top." That's something else, home skillet. Triton forces the man to the elevator and escorts him to the lobby.

In front of the hotel entrance, a skirmish involving Trite-Man and Robin against the angry boyfriend's gang ensues. Triton punches a lot, gets an expensive wacky porcelain object broken over his back, punches some more, and throws the angry boyfriend through a plate glass window. The guy stands up and threatens Triton before leaving. This guy is two-point-five times stronger than Shane McMahon.


IX: Deep Thoughts

In an outdoor restaurant, Trite-Man and Robin have beers by the pier. They toast to Triton's first and perhaps last day on the job. Trite-Man explains to Robin why being a Marine is more important to him than any security job. Robin tells Trite-Man that even though his time as a Marine is over, his life is not. Trite-man tells Robin that he is going to go home to see his wife. Robin states that Trite-man's wife is hot. Since Triton's been gone, she has suffered from a thousand-degree fever; Robin is right. Holy hopscotch on a Tuesday, Trite-Man.


X: Rome Was Built in a Week, Maybe

Rome and his Sexy Accomplice enter a luxurious hotel room. Rome explains to Sexy Accomplice that the futuristic jewelry bank guard was shot because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Sexy Accomplice suggests that the dead cops and witnesses from the robbery may hinder their future endeavours. Rome assures Sexy Accomplice that they are safe with a sultry kiss. One of those days, Sexy Accomplice will try to kiss Rome and he will turn liquid silver.

A cell phone call interrupts their makeout session. The man on the other end of the line calls Rome an American bastard. Sexy Accomplice undresses before Rome's eyes. Rome tells the man that he has gained control. For some reason, he walks away from the Sexy Accomplice and bets the man's ass that he has control. Rome makes plans with the man, most likely betting his own ass and other's asses in the process. At noon tomorrow, the man will get his diamonds and Rome will get his money. Who is going to get Sexy Accomplice? She is standing there with her lady parts out and nobody is buying. I'll pay twenty doubloons for her anterior appendages.


XI: Trite-Man is Home

Robin drops Trite-Man off at his modest lair. Kate is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, always waiting for John. Kate's occupation is to wait for her husband for all eternity. She is doing great. John is hesitant to tell Kate about the events of the day, but does not have to since the television suddenly turns itself on and shows a news story about John throwing the uncooperative guy through the window. John tells Kate that he can't sit around the house (Kate has that covered) and not work. He also dislikes windows because they are too clean and cocky.

Kate suggests that they take a vacation anywhere, such as the location that will kickstart this story. Kate tickles John until he says yes. One day, I pray that a serious professional wrestler adopts tickling as his submission finisher. When that happens, I will finally be happy.


XII: Rocket Launcher Man

The bald man who blew up that police car earlier in the movie shows up in an industrial-looking garage that holds several sports cars. While a large guy pats him down, Morgan, also known as Rocket Launcher Man, recognizes the guard as Lincoln Kennedy, a former pro football player. The guard refuses to respond. When Lincoln finds a firearm in Morgan's pocket, he drags him over to the owner of the establishment and hands over the weapon.

Rome's crew is in need of a new vehicle. The owner and Morgan walk over to a minivan parked at the other end of the garage. Morgan says,"I'm a criminal, not a soccer mom." I don't know about that, Morgan. Your left ear shares features akin to soccer mothers. Morgan refuses to drive the van and tells the owner that he is a black man. So, Morgan, would you rather be a black man than a soccer mom? What does Morgan have against soccer mothers? The owner assures Morgan that the inconspicuous minivan is perfect for Rome's crew.

As he stares at the white van with wood panelling, Morgan notices a black Cadillac in the corner of his eye. He analyzes the Cadillac for a few seconds, then speeds out of the garage in the car mere seconds later. Rocket Launcher Man is intending to mow down soccer mothers, no doubt. The Cadillac displays a Las Vegas bumper sticker. Las Vegas is a straight-A student and or on the honour roll.


XIII: Triton Family Vacation

Mr. and Mrs. Triton drive down an oceanside road with trees and junk. The soundtrack plays the song Sunshine by Lollypop: "I can call you my baby boy, you can call me your baby girl. Maybe we could spend some time, I can be your sunshine." Dear Vince McMahon, please make Sunshine by Lollypop the new entrance theme for Umaga. When he walks down to the ring, he should be wearing some sort of flower costume. His face should appear in the midst of the petals. Thank you very much. Sincerely, The Swerved.

Kate recollects her camp memories in the mountains. John tells a heartwarming tale of a mountain memory involving his father, Fiddle Faddle Triton. The Marine is warming the cockles of my heart, wherever they are; I think they are in my heart. John stops the Navigator at a gas station called ManZe. Kate requests a Diet Coke and compliments her husband's posterior. Now, how will she get that Diet Coke, you ask? By waiting for it. Kate Triton is working overtime.


XIV: Triton Family Emergency

Oh crap. Oh crappity crap, crap, crap. Rome passes John on his way into the station. In fact, Rome's cronies are at the station, including Sexy Accomplice holding Sexy Doritos and Sexy Orange Juice. Anything but the Sexy Orange Juice--too much concentrated sexy. Back outside, a cop car parks behind Rome's vehicle. An officer chit chats with Rome about Cadillacs and Vegas. Rocket Launcher Man shoots the police officer in the back of the head. You suck, Rocket Launcher Man. That police officer wasn't talking about soccer mothers.

Sensing danger, Triton tries to run out of the store, but Rome Crony #4 smacks him in the face with the fire extinguisher. For future reference, Rome Crony #4 does not know how to use a fire extinguisher. Rome shoots at the other policeman until the officer reverses the car into a pile of tires. Back inside the store, Sexy Accomplice shoots the gas station employee to get rid of a witness. Once more outside, Rome instructs his crew to take over the Triton Family Lincoln Navigator. Somebody likes Lincoln a whole bunch. Half of the crew wifenap Kate as Rome remarks that she might be effective as a hostage. She's a great waiter. Does that help?


XV: Did Somebody Say Explosion?

John comes to from the fire extinguisher shot and hears his lady screaming. Outside the station, Kate is forced back into the Triton Navigator in blurry slow motion. John responds to this effect by running out of the store. Rocket Launcher Man tries to one-up himself by shooting the gas leak near one of the station's pumps. Rome commands that Rocket Launcher man return to the truck. Rome and his crew leave the premises before a gigantic explosion destroys the gas station. In the store, John is flung backwards and manages to escape unharmed due to his flannel shirt and optimistic attitude. Kate looks on as mushroom clouds of fire billow from the station. Triton runs out of the fire, notices Rome and his crew drive off in the distance, and slow motion sprints to the police car to avoid yet another explosion. Slow motion, slow motion, slow motion. I like slow motion and all, but as a friend only.

John drags the wounded police officer out of the vehicle and drives the car away from the wreckage. He uses a billy club to tear the windshield flush off the vehicle and drives really, really, really fast.

John: Highway Patrol, this is John Triton. We have officers down at ManZe's Gas. Mulitple assailants: four men, one woman headed southbound on I-95 in a black Navigator. They have a hostage...

...

...

...

It's my wife.



XVI: Car Chase Car

Sexy Accomplice finds an identification tag in the Navigator. She announces to the rest of the crew that Kate Triton married John Triton, a Marine. This part of the film useful to my understanding of the story because I thought John Triton was a glass blower. Sexy Accomplice asks Kate if she married him for benefits. Kate reacts by showing Sexy Accomplice some loyalty, a little hustle, but no respect. John did not teach her right.

John speeds down the highway. Rocket Launcher Man gathers his many weapons in preparation for the fight. For the second time, he refers to rock candy (he talked about it in the garage scene as well). Soccer mothers love rock candy and Rocket Launcher Man cannot deal with this truth. Rome Crony #4, Rocket Launcher Man, and Sexy Accomplice blast bullet after bullet towards John. In response, Triton holds up a bullet proof vest and shields himself from the onslaught. He swerves many times in honour of this great American blog. Go, young man, go.

John loads a gun of his own and drives next to the Navigator. Rome drives the vehicle right into the police car. Rome and John drive side by side through road construction, men in hard hats, and convenient ramps. In a super moment, John drives through a crane tractor and the roof of the police car is ripped right off the vehicle. Rome Crony #4 states that John is just like the Terminator. In response, Rome stares in the rear view mirror at me. I had nothing to do with that reference, Mr. Patrick. Don't blame me. Blame the system.


XVII: More Car Chase Car

Kate leaps from her seat and wraps her arm around Rome's face to mess up his driving activity. By accident, Rome almost drives over a cliff but manages to back up and reverse in time to save them. Next, Triton's police car launches through the air, using the hood of the Navigator as a ramp. Rome and his Romian cronies shoot at the vehicle as it spins in flight. At the last second, John escapes the car before it explodes and crashes into the murky waters below.

Kate screams at Rome and the Romian cronies and calls them murdering sons of bitches. Sexy Accomplice holds a gun to Kate's chin, but Rome instructs her to leave her alive. Sexy Accomplice ties Kate up in a not so sexy way. Rocket Launcer Man and Rome Crony #5 get into an argument, then a fight, which is stopped by Rome with a warning gunshot. With the Navigator totaled, Rome decides to walk with his crew down stream to evade the cops. Kate tells Sexy Accomplice to go to hell when Sexy Accomplice asks what the crew should do with her. As a reply, Sexy Accomplice pistol whips Mrs. Triton in the face. Sexy Accomplice does not know Kate's superior waiting skills. I'm guessing Sexy Accomplice will get her comeuppance soon. Rome instructs Rocket Launcher Man to carry Kate. Rocket Launcher Man flips out. I feel for you, Morgan. Carrying a woman who is probably one-hundred-and-twenty pounds at most is impossible. Plus, that job is for soccer mothers.


XVIII: Another Police Line: Do Not Cross Again

Expository investigator returns on screen to take a look at the aftermath of the gas station explosion. He tells another officer that Triton's description of Rome and his crew shares similarities with the characteristics of the group that robbed the diamond store the other day. In conclusion, expository investigator loves to tell, but hates to show. He would be a poor writer.

Moments later, he gets a walkie talkie call about the car accident involving the Navigator and the police car. When he arrives at the scene, he encounters John and pulls a gun on him. He assumes that John Triton is John Triton. Good call, sir. Expository Investigator Van Buren tells John that he cannot give him permission to puruse his wife and the wifenappers.

Expository Investigator: I've seen what these guys can do. You better hurry.

John Triton hurries. Why? Stop listening to the investigator, characters of the movie. He is not amazing. If the expository investigator told you to jump off a bridge, he would explain what would happen when you jumped off that bridge in meticulous detail. Don't do anything that he says.

TO BE CONTINUED... IT'S HIS WIFE


No comments: