For this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I present to the e-audience a lost gem of an emerald from the underground, golden towns of professional wrestling mystery. This time last year, No Holds Barred's Alex Reimer participated in the second edition of the Interviewerved. In return, he requested my vocal presence on his radio show. Unfortunately, due to commitments to previous engagements (therapy sessions with my life coach, Dr. Kevin, at the local frogurt stand), I could not make my conflicting schedule not conflict with the schedule of the show. As a consolation, I sent Alex my thoughts on the 2007 Royal Rumble. In the end, he never read them on-air, but this is what I get when I eat frogurt rather than ice cream.
Therefore, for the benefit of the literate, I give you my predictions for a Royal Rumble that has already occurred. If this great offer does not entice you enough, I will throw in additional commentary and a free whatever poor people like to own. To my understanding, individuals with a income less than thirty-thousand dollars per year love robot vacuum cleaners. How about one of those, Value Villager? Great.
Before you leave the room to watch your new vaccuum clean up your buck-toothed child's vomit, please enjoy this piece.
AT&T Center
San Antonio, Texas
Earlier this month, I was finally able to watch the four-way ladder match at Armageddon between the Hardys, MNM, London and Kendrick, and Regal and Taylor. Hardly anybody looks at the month of December when they determine Match of the Year candidates, but this match proves that they should. Regal and Taylor being afraid of heights was great, and Joey Mercury getting slapped in the face with a ladder was one of the most sickening and dramatic visuals I have seen on WWE programming in a long time. Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder is ten times more compelling than Oily Fat Man in a Speedo or Powerhouse Rosie O'Donnell. I'd even say Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder would be a better movie than Man Getting Hit by Football.
(I have a big announcement to make: Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder will hit the big screen next year. Of course, I will be penning this future award-winning drama about a man having to deal with a ladder to his face. Frankie Muniz dons the fur coat as Joey Mercury. And, in his most serious role yet, Denzel Washington plays the role of the ladder. The tagline for the film will be the following: When you strive for the former, life gives you the ladder. I feel a lot heavier right now. I guess I feel heavier due to all of the money that is dropping onto my lap.)
I think WWE should have waited until Wrestlemania to do this match, but it's their company and not mine. Maybe they'll do a rematch at Wrestlemania and fool me, but I don't think they want to. If they can somehow incorporate the ladder into this bout, or a future rematch, it will be good watching. From now on, what I hope they will do with is give Joey Mercury some sort of Vega from Street Fighter gimmick, using a mask to protect his "beauty" in battle. Is that too creative for WWE? I want to say no because I think they can benefit from thinking outside of the box. Their roster would be more diverse and fun to watch if there was a greater variance of characters.
(I am quite sad that Joey Mercury did not become Vega. When I am in charge of World Wrestling Entertainment, I will base all of my contracted wrestlers on Street Fighter characters. Umaga will move from Samoa to Japan and become sumo wrestler Edmund Honda. Snitsky will dye his skin green, then grow out his hair for an crazy orange hairdo to transform into Blanka. John Cena will not alter his character at all to become Guile. Finally, Big Daddy V will be Chun Li because the laughter which results from the thought of this sight makes me a better person.)
Seeing the Hardys back together is odd to me as a clean and composed Jeff Hardy is quite the shocking sight, but they still put on good matches. I used to dislike Nitro, but I think he's improved dramatically in-ring and character wise. Ironically enough, breaking up MNM made me see how good he can and will be. I don't think this match will get a lot of time because they need to make room on the Pay-Per-View for the Royal Rumble itself. Therefore, this match will be 22 seconds long. Melina's Split Under The Ropes Thing will take 20 of those seconds.
Prediction: MNM will win by DQ or something and the angle will be continued on RAW.
(Matthew and Jeffrey were victorious in this match. I am zero for one. My dream of becoming the world's most successful professional wrestling psychic is through.)
Lashley (c) vs. Test
The first thing I think about when I hear the name ECW is Lashley. The second thing I think about is Test. Obviously, somebody has replaced my brain with a peanut.
(Using state-of-the-art tools like a barbeque skewer and a match, I have determined that I have no peanut in my skull. While all the parts are still intact, my exposure to this match has traumatized my brain. From this point forward, my brain will only process wrestling matches as bouts between Lashley and Test. A Hallmark card with a bunny on it to you, brain. Kudos.)
I don't see what WWE sees in Lashley. Sure, he is a big guy and has the Brock Lesnar entrance, but other than that, he's just there. I've never seen him in a great match, but maybe that's not what he's there for. I think they have stopped saying he's “hard hitting” and “soft spoken” too, so I don't know what his gimmick is. I guess he doesn't have one. Only in WWE can you be as uninteresting as possible and become champion.
Test's best days were during his first few years with the company. In particular, he showed promise in his Summerslam '99 match with Shane McMahon during the Stephanie angle. Also, glimpses of talent were somewhat apparent in his lengthy "Extreme Rules Match" with RVD a few months ago, but I assume Vince doesn’t want Test nor anyone else to do anything remotely entertaining; we have never seen a match like that on ECW since.
(Correction and a half, self. How about that match in which Tommy Dreamer loses? No, the other one. You know what I'm talking about.)
Choosing between ECW World Champion Lashley and ECW World Champion Test is like choosing between death via shark attack or hot air balloon accident. I don't want to suffer either way.
Prediction: Lashley retains via being big.
(Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship via countout. Since Lashley was pretty big and muscly, Test could not get back into the ring because of the largeness. Not long after this match, Test was released from his WWE contract. He has since quit the business. One time, two shark balloons tried to attack him while he was wrestling. Long story short, he couldn't take it. Today, I bet he home-schools Kelly Kelly with flashcards.)
Batista (c) vs. Mr. Kennedy
For me, Batista was most intriguing during his feud with Triple H, but now what? Like Lashley, I've never seen Batista in a great match. Even his Hell-in-a-Cell Match with Hunter wasn't that impressive. Yes, he took Randy Orton's place in that feud and took it well (as Orton's face turn proved to be rushed and ill conceived), yet in hindsight, I think Orton would have had better matches with Triple H.
(Wrestlemania 24 will feature a certain someone facing another certain someone in the main event. I'm not saying Randy Orton will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then kick me in the head? I'm not saying Triple H will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then hit me with the back of your hand as you grip the top of a sledgehammer? You won't? Bless you, my children. Thank you for understanding. On the day of Wrestlemania 24, I will not bring down rain and lightning from the heavens.)
Now, it seems as though Batista is holding back. I know he doesn't want to injure himself again but the more careful someone tries to be to prevent an injury, the more likely an injury will occur. Sadly, his unwillingness to wrestle well hurts my eyes. To measure how good Batista is currently, look no further than every Batista versus King Booker encounter. Five stars... out of 125 stars. "Yeah, I'm back! I want my title back! It's mine!" said Batista a bunch of times, and he got it. Why didn't Booker just reply with "How about no?"
WWE has big plans for Mr. Kennedy. I'm not positive he is deserving of those plans, but he is an excellent talker. His matches leave something to be desired. All in all, I see him as a competent World Champion in the future, but not at the Rumble.
(According to Shawn Michaels, Mr. Kennedy's full name is Kennedy Kennedy. Speaking of jokes that are super hilarious, does anyone want to see Meet the Spartans with me? I will pay for tickets, popcorn, refreshments, and prefreshments. In this film, Donald Trump fires Spider-Man. Why? Spider-Man never cared for Bobby Lashley. Spider-Man watches Ring of Honor DVDs only. He wants Mary Jane Watson to appreciate workrate.)
I predict that this will be a passable match. Batista will do one move and punches. Kennedy will do two moves and punches. Together, they will perform a moving tribute to The Boogeyman's move set.
Prediction: Batista wins by Batista Bomb. Yes, Batista has a bomb. Run.
(Batista won because he had the most tacky tattoos. Batista's dragon beats Ken Kennedy's red tribal design of a wombat or pointy vulture.)
John Cena (c) vs. Umaga
Did you know that John Cena was in a movie called The Marine? WWE never mentioned this once to me. Why didn't they? It's coming to DVD. Somebody should say something. Hello?
(It's his wife. For the last time, it's his wife. Do you have no soul? Are you deaf? What is this world coming to? Why are you just standing there? Show some compassion, lady and too many gentlemen. It's his wife.)
They had a good story coming out of New Year's Revolution -- John Cena could outsmart Umaga, but could not overpower him. Then, last week on RAW, what do we see? John Cena overpowered Umaga. Average Fan says, "I saw it for free on television. I want to see it again, but this time, I want to pay for it."
I'm under the impression that John Cena will win every big match he's in until he dies. I pray that I'm not right, but I think I will be. I don't know what they'll do with Umaga after his inevitable loss, but they should keep him around. Right now, he could've been a decent Intercontinental Champion in place of Jeff Hardy, who rarely defends it, though I bet I seem odd for thinking that. I just want to see Umaga carry a title down to the ring with his teeth. It makes sense that a savage would try to eat something shiny. I'm not saying that visual makes great television; I just need to see that in my lifetime. I'd also like to see Umaga do The Worm.
(I am not going to sue Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment for stealing my idea of Umaga carrying the Intercontinental Championship with his teeth. In reality, I simply wish for adequate compensation. What is adequatre compensation? Big Daddy V as Chun-Li. Make it happen already. This is a fairly reasonable request.)
John Cena will both STFU and FU Umaga on the Road to WM. I will LOL at my BBQ.
Prediction: John Cena via being John Cena.
(John Cena won with the STFU, loosening the top rope to strangle Umaga into submission. I wouldn't show this ending today for obvious reasons. In its place, I would show two kittens, dressed up as a miniature bride and groom, exchanging kitty vows in a wicker basket. Most of the time, I do not know how to deal with serious issues. This time, I nailed it.)
Didn't they already do the rumble on RAW a few weeks ago? Edge won. Oh, wait -– that was a battle royal, which is like a Royal Rumble except they do not have cookies and milk afterwardz. I know that a battle royal does not have the same entrance rules as the Rumble, but the two are very, very, very similar.
(I do not see the point of having battle royals weeks before or after the Royal Rumble. Sure, battle royals provide the audience with samples of what they will see at the Royal Rumble, though I think the sample they give is too much. Let's put it this way -- if I was a barber trying to sell you a haircut, I wouldn't cut off two-thirds of your hair in the style of your choosing for free, hoping you will pay for the free work anyway. For those of you keeping score at home, I have used a haircut analogy to describe an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Don't look at me like that. I'm not your clown.)
I disliked last year's Rumble, not because Rey Mysterio won it (I am still a fan of his from his WCW days, barring his Eddie Guerrero Tribute Tour '06 Bonanza), but because the actual match wasn't very interesting. I know there has to be spots in the Rumble involving a guy teetering on the top rope while another guy tries to push him off of it, but I saw that about a billion times in the match. I saw this event more times in the RAW Battle Royal. My quota for witnessing that spot has been met many times over.
I'm going to pick The Miz as the first entrant of the 2007 Royal Rumble, because he so crazay. Number two will probably be San Antonio's own Shawn Michaels, who will superkick him and a lot of other wrestlers out of the ring.
As a side note, recently on RAW, Chris Masters said, "No one will beat me (at the Rumble) cause no one can escape my Master Lock!" What does that mean to me? Chris Masters will put The Master Lock on 29 guys and right after they pass out, their bodies will teleport up and over the top rope onto the floor below for the elimination. This is how powerful the Master Lock could be, but I don't think Masters will win.
(Sadly, Masters is gone and I never got the chance to see him utilize this technique. Then again, perhaps this absurd type of elimination will be witnessed at a future Royal Rumble. If the internet rumours are true, I am hoping that Big Show returns as a surprise entrant at this year's event. I want him to show up and use his cobra-clutch backbreaker on all twenty-nine guys. Next, those twenty-nine guys would bounce off of his knee, then flip over the top rope and onto the floor. You see Big Show has hands like skillets and a knee like a really big knee.)
I believe the story of the match will be Shawn Michaels overcoming all odds, just like how he overcame Rated RKO with Triple H. The DX versus Rated RKO feud has been like this: Shawn dominated the team with Triple H; Orton and Edge retailiated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them again; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them once more; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then hitting Ric Flair with chairs. Next, Shawn Michaels beat Orton and Edge up by himself; Rated RK0 will retaliate with another Ric Flair attack. Orton and Edge is showing HBK and HHH who's boss -– not them.
I think this Rumble will go down to Michaels versus Rated RKO. Since Hunter is out, Shawn Michaels will become more powerful by absorbing Triple H's energy through osmosis. Don't ask me how this happen. Edge and Orton will proceed to inadvertently eliminate each other. Rated RKO will retaliate by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then Ric Flair with chairs, then attack Val Venis, who Shawn Michaels greeted in a restaurant once. Finally, they will attack Ric Flair with chairs.
Michaels faces Cena at Wrestlemania 23 in a face-versus-face match, or in a four-way that will include Orton and Edge.
Prediction: Shawn Michaels via the power of Triple H.
(Michaels lost the Rumble to the Undertaker. Despite this fact, he did end up facing Cena at Wrestlemania 23. I give myself half of a point based on my non-existent official point system. I am 222th in the rankings. When Big Daddy V shows up as Chun-Li, I will shoot up to the number one spot. All of you will be weeping, asking the sky, "Why did he have to be right?" In turn, I will be giggling. Now and again, a dude needs to relax on the dance floor with his best chums and giggle.)
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