NEXT WEEK
The Eyjafjallajökull volcano will defeat Rob Van Dam for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Ash will fall from the rafters.
AND
If what I think is happening is happening, it better not be.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Genuine Draft: Death Appears on Superstars
NEXT WEEK
The Eyjafjallajökull volcano will defeat Rob Van Dam for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Ash will fall from the rafters.
AND
If what I think is happening is happening, it better not be.
The Point System
Eric Bischoff claims that his new ranking system will change the way wrestling fans think about TNA. Although I support Eric's innovative endeavours into the wild world of ranking, I believe I can be just as revolutionary as him. Loyal readers of The Swerved know my track record. The number of innovative concepts that I have presented for the betterment of the wrestling industry have been infinite.
While WWE and TNA did not actually use any of those concepts, I got the feeling that they wanted to. If they ever use my ideas, millions of dollars will be made. Let me assure you — exhibition wrestling will catch on with the masses. Unlike typical, professional wrestling matches, wrestlers will participate in wrestling exhibition galas. They will put on sparkly, themed clothing and grapple to the beat of Tori Amos without ever going for the pin.
Before you jump to your ridiculous conclusions, I don't plan to overshadow Bischoff's plan. In fact, I want to help his ranking system succeed with the help of a point-based subsystem. The Swerved's point system is unlike any other system you have seen in wrestling, borrowing elements from professional sports like hockey, football, and Lithuanian handball. After I lay out the details of this system, I urge Eric Bischoff and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling to take it and adopt it as their own. Since this system was a baby, I have fed and nurtured it. Now that it has grown its wings, I want that system to fly. I told you this was a good system. It has wings.
Once this system comes into play, expect the majority of young WWE fans to migrate over to TNA. Since I used to be a young lad, I know what the children love. Other than colourful building blocks and financial planning, they dig point systems. As always, Vince McMahon is not aware of current trends and will most likely not even think about using this system. Therefore, I transfer this money-making concept over to a group who actually know some of what they are doing. Best of luck, TNA.
- The ten wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth.
- The wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a guaranteed shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one wrestler accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will get the chance to vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the #1 ranked wrestler cannot compete at that Pay-Per-View, fans will once gain vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the fans are unable to vote for who they believe deserves the shot, the heavyweight division will gather in a circle somewhere backstage. At that point, a member of TNA Management will stand in the middle of the circle, close their eyes, and spin around really fast. Once they are dizzy, they will hold up a finger and point at a random wrestler. In order for the wrestler to be officially chosen, the appointed member of TNA Management must say, "That one."
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Reverse disqualification win: 5 points
Reverse disqualification loss: 10 points
Inverted win: 0 points
Inverted loss: 0 points
Phantom win: 2 transparent points
Phantom loss: The ghost of 2 transparent points
Orlando Jordan rubs lotion on you: 20 pity points
You rub lotion on Orlando Jordan: Whatever butters your biscuit. We're not here to judge.
That wasn't lotion: -100 points
November Pay-Per-View: Turning Point
- The ten global wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the second I look up the difference between a world and a globe in the dictionary to the instant I start to wonder what being a TNA World Champion means — will be ranked from first to tenth. If a wrestler explains to me that the world of TNA is a separate, alternate universe where a champion must be crowned, I will politely nod, then walk away. My head hurts. Wait; is there a difference between a global champion and a TNA Global Champion, too? Holy Jebus.
- The global wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Global Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one global wrestler accumulates the same number of points in one ranking period, screw it. I'm just going to buy every ranked wrestler a snow globe. Although, I bet at least one of them will ask for a snow world and blow my mind again.
- If the #1 ranked global wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, I'm making fans look on the internet for snow worlds. Maybe they can buy them in bulk. Total Nonstop Action Management and I don't have time for this.
Global pinfall win: ?
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Global pinfall loss: ?
Submission win: 3 points
Global submission win?
Submission loss: -1 point
Global submission loss: ?
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Global disqualification/Count out win: A world disqualification/count out win?
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Global disqualification/Count out loss: ?
Knowing the difference between a world and a globe: Priceless?
- The ten X-Division wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth. The wrestlers who are not on this list can smoke all the marijuana cigarettes they want. Brian Kendrick will take up the eleventh to ninety-ninth spot.
- The X-Division wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the X-Division Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one X-Division wrestler accumulates the same number of points during a ranking period, fans will vote for the fastest man who can fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption.
- If the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, the second and third ranked wrestlers will compete in a match for the vacant #1 rank. Total Nonstop Action Management has a zero tolerance policy on #1 ranked X-Division wrestlers who are unable to fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption. If you are a #1 ranked X-Division wrestler, you should be able to control volcanoes.
- If fans believe that the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler is not responsible for missing his championship match, the volcanoes have already won.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Successfully exiting a red cage: 5 points
Successfully exiting a red cage after three years: -1 point
LLYGAF: 4 points
NLLYGAF: -4 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your Kindle: -20 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your iPad: -20 points with digital page-turning capabilities
Cheating on Traci Brooks: 0 points
Cheating on Traci Brooks because she has that huge space between her breasts: I see your point, but wrestling marriages are as sacred as The Book of LLYGAF
Other weight divisions: limits
The Outer: limits
The X-Division: 0 limits
- The ten tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the start to the end of one calendar month — will be ranked first to tenth. Within this ranking period, many tag teams will show fatigue. In their tired state, it is their responsibility to desperately clothesline their opponents and hot-tag another tag team onto the list.
- The tag team that is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one tag team accumulates the same number of points during one ranking period, two sets of fans will enter the ring in referee's shirts and simultaneously count the points. As each set of fans raise the hands of a tag team, the referees will argue in exaggerated fashion, leading to an intense, feud-ending recount.
- If the #1 ranked TNA tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the tough and rough tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will return and take their place.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Getting the tables: 1 point
Setting the tables: 2 points
Turning the tables 3 points
Earning the tables: 4 points
Burning the tables: Ruining perfectly good tables.
Yearning for tables: Weird.
- The ten TNA Knockouts who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the end of TNA's "Time of the Month" to seconds prior to the start of TNA's next "Time of the Month" — will be ranked from first to tenth. Throughout this ranking period, management will ask TNA what's wrong. Apparently, management should already know what's wrong without having to ask. Don't bother TNA right now. She feels bloated and unattractive at the moment.
- The TNA Knockout who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Knockouts Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one TNA Knockout accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will vote for the woman with the pointiest elbows. The woman voted to be the one with the pointiest elbows will receive a title shot, but will not receive any attention from the handsome, wealthy, and successful fan base.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Knockout is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, remember Sirelda? Man, that was something.
- If fans do not believe that any of the women have pointy elbows, select TNA Knockouts will compete in a number one contender's match. The woman who can sharpen her elbows and defeat her opponents with said elbows will become the new contender to the TNA Knockouts Championship.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Picking the right box: The TNA Knockouts Championship or a spider, who can make you a TNA Knockouts Championship out of silk.
Picking the wrong box: 0 points
Lacey Von Erich: 5 points
Successfully executing a standing backflip, which somehow increases momentum for an elbow drop: Pointless.
Awesome Kong: 1 release
- The ten TNA Women's tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — the duration of an average WWE Divas tag match — will be ranked from first to tenth. Because TNA has about two women's tag teams in total, each team will appear five times on the list to round it out.
- The TNA Women's tag team that is ranked at #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Women's Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than TNA Women's tag team receives the same number of points at the end of the ranking period, fans will try to vote, only to realize that the company has about two women's tag teams in total. To distract fans from this realization, commercials for Blue Mountain State will play.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Women's tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the luscious and curvy tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will dip themselves in chocolate and take their place. They will become "The Tasty Boys."
- In the event that the TNA Women's Tag Team Champions are released, Blue Mountain State will be on television soon. College life is almost like regular life, except it is in college.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Prolonged entrance dance routine: 20 points
Brief entrance dance routine: 0.1 points
Becoming the third TNA Women's tag team: 50 points
Monday, April 19, 2010
Genuine Draft: Hootie Who?
NEXT WEEK
If I win this match, Rey Mysterio will be forced to cut his mask. He willl be all like, "Aw, man. You're making me ruin the good one." I will be all like, "Serves you right for being the only who wears it. You think you're special? Big snips, not little snips. I'm watching you."
AND
I don't want anywhere in here getting raped. Myself included.
Rostars
Some time after every WrestleMania, the general managers of RAW and SmackDown come together to participate in the WWE Draft Lottery. Unlike your typical draft, World Wresting Entertainment's version involves the fine art of random selection. For the general managers of the brands, their role in the WWE Draft Lottery process is clear. First of all, the WWE Draft Lottery expects each general manager to show up for the three-hour special. After that, they must stay in the building for one hour. Once that hour is up, they must hang around for a second hour. After that second hour, they are obligated to chill for a third hour. The life of a WWE General Manager is difficult at best.
In the past, the WWE Draft Lottery has provided wrestling fans with a ton of shocking and exciting surprises. Edge was drafted to Smackdown, then moved to RAW, then moved back to Smackdown, then moved back to RAW again, and was finally drafted back to RAW. Years ago, Triple H was drafted to SmackDown before being traded back to RAW for Booker T, The Dudley Boyz, the rights to the song "Happy Birthday," five Nigerian orphans, and the meaning of life. Even world champions have switched shows, automatically becoming the champion of a show full of people they haven’t fought yet. More often than not, the moves that aren't made prove to be the most fascinating, such as Funaki ― the franchise of SmackDown ― remaining on the show to this day. What is in store for us this year? We shall see.
This week, I am ready to predict who goes where. I may not be an expert at WWE Draft Lottery predictions, but I do know one thing: If you are drafted from a show with red stuff, you will most likely be moving to a show with blue stuff. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot fool me. They might as well just tell me their plans now. In this never-ending game of chess, I am always several moves ahead of them. I've checked their mates twice and thrice. They want to switch to Connect Four, but with the help of the official WWE Draft Scorecard, I've already connected three.
If you haven't printed out your official 2010 WWE Draft Scorecard, I suggest you do so right away. If you don't, you will be missing out on a lot of fun. There will be pens and everything. Next Monday, wrestling fans around the world will be throwing 2010 WWE Draft Scorecard parties. Sadly, they will be unable to attend each others' parties as they will be too busy hosting their own. Five million, one-man, WWE Draft Scorecard parties occurring simultaneously, you say? Average to good to great times for all.
Characteristics: Dolph is proficient at intermediate ziggling ― the time-honoured technique of styling your hair to make it look like undercooked spaghetti. Dolph Ziggler will be holding a weekend-long ziggling workshop (April 23 to 25) at the Hyatt Regency Pier Sixty-Six Resort & Spa in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Cost is $500 per strand of hair that you want to look like undercooked spaghetti.
Possibilities: I'm going to need Dolph Ziggler's help on Monday nights. You see, whenever I watch Drew McIntyre on SmackDown, it feels as though someone is slowly and deliberately rendering me unconscious. In order to regain that wonderful feeling on Monday Night RAW, Dolph Ziggler's sleeper hold must do the trick. During one of the commercial breaks, he can come through my television set and keep the blood from rushing to my head. That way, I can fully engage myself in the Drew McIntyre viewing experience.
Characteristics: Drew McIntyre is "The Chosen One," which means that Vince McMahon recently got caught up in a Pokemon fight and found himself a Drewichu. Drew McIntyre's most potent offensive move is called "Drew Talk." If this Pokemon speaks, boring-ass words come out.
Possibilities: Every RAW Superstar who falls victim to McIntyre's Future Shock DDT will simultaneously lose consciousness for two minutes and seventeen seconds. After this disturbing and strange event, those Superstars will envision themselves in the future. As they look at what their lives will become, they will see a vision of Drew McIntyre walking at his normal pace, just leaving the ring.
Characteristics: Edge's surgically-repaired Achilles tendon is the envy of all torn Achilles tendons. Insiders like myself speculate that Edge's surgically-repaired Achilles tendon helps Edge walk, jog, and sprint on his own power. Torn Achilles tendons don't do that. They just make guys skinny-fat.
Possibilities: Edge's return to RAW is for good, also known as good until the next draft. The R-Rated Superstar should look forward to tying up the loose ends left from his last stint on the show. The one-hundred-and-forty-fifth chapter of the Edge versus John Cena feud must be written. Additionally, an RKO reunion could be in the works, leading to Edge making his RAW debut by riding out on a giant snake with Randy Orton. Most of all, I am highly anticipating Edge starting up a sleazy relationship with the Vickie Guerrero of RAW: Chavo Guerrero.
Characteristics: His beard has the supernatural abilities to start fires, stop fires, house a village for one calendar year, make sweet love to beautiful women, and sit on Mike Knox's face. Mike Knox can wear a beard and wrestle.
Possibilities: Mike Knox's beard can feud with Mark Henry's beard in honour of the WrestleMania XIX feud between Triple H and Booker T. Mike Knox's beard will have several backstage confrontations with Mark Henry's beard, claiming that beards like Mark Henry's aren't "championship material." The week after that, Mark Henry's beard will storm into the bathroom of Mike Knox's beard. Mark Henry's beard will ask Mike Knox's beard if he something to say to him. In response, Mike Knox's beard will give Mark Henry's beard a dollar and ask him for a towel. Mike Knox will be released.
Characteristics: Tiffany is insatiable. According to various sources, she cannot get enough. She needs to find a boy. No matter how hard she tries, she cannot find her true love.
Possibilities: Tiffany is one of many WWE Superstars who need to find a boy, yet have not found one yet. Since she could not find a boy on SmackDown (Drew McIntyre does not count), look for Tiffany to be in desperate search for one. When she does find that boy, watch out. Her theme song will start saying "Tiffany is satiable. She does have her limits. She already found a boy, so I guess that's pretty much it. How are your folks?"
Characteristics: Brie Bella looks almost exactly like Nikki Bella, which is neat. Being a Bella, she is susceptible to elimination from most Diva Battle Royals within the first thirty seconds of the match.
Possibilities: As Brie makes a legend of herself on Friday Night SmackDown, RAW Guest Hosts will have difficulty keeping their balance while standing. With Nikki Bella on one arm, RAW Guest Hosts will need to be equipped with a Brie-Bella-shaped counterweight on their other arm. Seeing this visual, viewers at home will think that RAW Guests Hosts are still super suave, despite suffering from a severe inner ear problem. Next year, when Brie Bella is drafted back to RAW, she will have an instant rivalry with the Brie-Bella-shaped counterweight.
Characteristics: Thankfully, the Christian we know and love in 2010 is better than the man he used to be. He's smarter, more experienced, and has a mustard-coloured, old man body and grandpa pants. If you see Christian around, ask him to watch The Lawrence Welk Show with you. I'm sure he will be pleased.
Possibilities: Christian's streak of not having any contact with his brother/friend Edge should continue. On SmackDown, Captain Charisma will take on the daunting task of appearing in a weekly backstage segment with Teddy Long. In each segment, they will see something weird and comment about it in a humourous manner. His second, less daunting task will consist of accidentally slamming his head onto the edge of the ring without his opponent laying a finger on him. His Achilles tendon will have no contact with Edge's Achilles tendon either.
Characteristics: Melina can do the splits. The ring apron used to think highly of her, but it will never be able to look at her in the same, dignified way again. The revealing past cannot be altered.
Possibilities: You know, Melina is right. She believes that many WWE Divas deserve a special title moment, supported by a dramatic chase and build-up. When that WWE Diva holds and defends the prestigious title, Melina expects her to bring attention and validity to it. That way, wrestling fans will clamour to see a deserve challenger take on and defeat that champion, completing the circle of a success, professional wrestling feud. Melina's old-school mindset about WWE women's wrestling worked on RAW when she quickly defeated Jillian Hall for the title in their only, one-and-a-half-minute match. Therefore, I don't see why Melina should stop doing her thing. She can take her approach to SmackDown and beat the WWE Women's Champion in a single meaningful match that lasts at or under that time.
Characteristics: Montel Vontavious Porter is a convincing man. If you see him hanging around some castle ruins in his old, white and purple, track get-up, you better listen to him. The WWE Superstars are trained professionals. Don't try what they do in the ring at home or you will ruin a perfectly good castle. Thank goodness that an important king wasn't in that castle. I bet he wouldn't approve of someone power-bombing another guy onto his stony residence.
Possibilities: MVP's streak of forming mediocre tag teams with whomever has nothing to do on the roster will continue on SmackDown. After John Morrison and R-Truth go their separate ways, expect Montel to form a tag team with R-Truth because WWE loves colour coding. Recognizing both wrestlers' history, WWE will portray them in a sensitive light and call them "Those Two Black Guys Who Went To Jail Once." In hopes to turn the tandem into a trio, Shelton Benjamin will attempt to join to group. He will commit a serious crime, but the judge will only sentence him to lose another Money in the Bank Ladder Match.
Characteristics: Ted DiBiase is the new owner of the Million Dollar Belt. Holding the Million Dollar Belt means that you are the champion of not spending your money wisely. I don't know why Ted wants to be the champion of that, but whatever. Strangely enough, I am the owner of the Ten Dollar Belt. I am on a budget.
Possibilities: Freeing himself from the oily chains of Randy Orton and The Legacy will allow young Ted to become the new incarnation of "The Million Dollar Man." Stealing a page from Scrooge McDuck, Ted will make his ring entrance by diving into a pool of gold coins as more coins rain down from the rafters. Spectators who do not drown in this golden pool will suffer fatal blows to the head by falling change. Ted DiBiase will feel guilty at first, but elbow grease should rid his coins of any stubborn blood stains.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 88th
You think you're pointy
Yeah
My sharpened end used by 300 Greeks
Take me into battle
Throw me into crowds
And watch me impale some guys
See my wooden shaft
No, not that wooden shaft
Run it fast
Run it hard
Lean in and get your foot-long embrace on
Always gonna spear things
Always gonna spear
Always gonna spear things
Always gonna spear
Yeah
Some ancient spears
Were built with bamboo
Sharpened with rocks
So the pandas could
Battle like Greeks do
You know those pandas fight
In their panda wars
Using bamboo spears
Against those who don't enjoy fast Chinese food
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
The Swerved becomes associated with David Otunga. Here we come, fame.
AND
I got some brand new shoes, gonna look real cool. I'm gonna wear it to school, I'm gonna look like a fool. I got a brand new vest. I look the best. Gonna wear some rosary beads on my chest. I'm gonna buy some Skittles, Skittles and ham. I'm gonna mix them with some strawberry jam.
WrestleMania XXVI: Hook vs. Swagger (Part 2)
We are three weeks removed from WrestleMania XXVI, yet I cannot let go of the WrestleMania XXVI memories. Since the event came to its bittersweet conclusion, I have been suffering from WrestleMania XXVI withdrawal. Every time I turn around to face the television, I am hoping to see one more glimpse of the glamour and grandeur of WrestleMania. In its place, all I see is Darren Young. While he is glamourous in his own right, he cannot compare to an annual Pay-Per-View that continues to shock, violate, excite, arouse, and astound me.
April's Extreme Rules Pay-Per-View will be an event of the extreme variety presented by Kitchen Fresh Chicken, but what about Slim Jim? Has WWE already forgetting the benefits of eating Slim Jim during a wrestling Pay-Per-View? The times: they change too fast. Just last month, I was snapping into some beef jerky, enjoying the musical stylings of American Idol's Fantasia Barrino. Now, what is there to look forward to? I don't eat KFC when I watch professional wrestling. I don't hate myself.
Last week, I took a look at the first five WrestleMania XXVI matches. We relived ShoMiz's hard-fought victory over the timeless team of John Morrison and R-Truth. We remembered the rise of the risen Randy Orton and the fall of the fallen Legacy. Jack Swagger's greatest enemy was a hook. Triple H beat Sheamus in a match that wasn't for a World or WWE Championship. According to Wendi Richter, girls wanted to have fun. Most of all, booyaka. Booyaka forever.
In the second part of this WrestleMania XXVI review, we shall delve deep into the marquee matches that set the Pay-Per-View apart from any event you will see for the rest of the year. Sit back, sit forward, sit back again, relax, don't relax, then make me a sandwich that contains the correct meat-to-bread ratio. Sandwiches help me review.
No Holds Barred Match
Bret Hart vs. Mr. McMahon
The following match has been thirteen years in the making. Coincidentally, thirteen years is the time it takes for one man to put another in the Sharpshooter. The breakdown is one year to read about the Sharpshooter, one year to gain the motivation to put another man in the Sharpshooter, five years to learn how to use the Sharpshooter, two years to gain a license to use the Sharpshooter, and four years to use the Sharpshooter.
Bret Hart enters the ring wearing his jean shorts and leather jacket ensemble. Jerry Lawler believes that Bret is not dressed in wrestling gear because he does not plan to have a wrestling match. Interesting. That's interesting.
Vince McMahon flexes in his sleeveless shirt and takes out a microphone. He states that Bret deserves a WrestleMania-sized screwing. If I was Bret, I would not want a WrestleMania-sized screwing at all. I assume WrestleMania is far from a gentle lover. Plus, 70,000 people will be there, which is 60,000 more people than I’m used to when it comes to getting intimate with large Pay-Per-View extravaganzas.
Vince enthusiastically announces that he bought himself a whole bunch of lumberjacks — The Hart Family. With this announcement, an excited Mr. McMahon struts down the aisle with The Hart Dynasty, Bruce Hart, Diana Hart, Smith Hart, Melissa Joan Hart, and Total Eclipse of the Hart. How dare you, Sabrina The Teenage Bitch.
- Bret Hart grabs the microphone and expresses his disappointment with his family. He guesses that Vince paid the Hart Family up front, who proceeded to cash their cheques and put it in the bank. As David Hart Smith agrees that he got paid up front, I secretly make him agree that his mother is still kind of attractive for an older woman. Bret says that one thing he has learned from the Montreal Screwjob is that there is nothing better than a good double cross. This statement leads to Vince realizing that Bret and his family are about to screw him. Bruce and Bret hug, then a audience member holds up a "Brett beat Vince" sign. Man, Brett Favre and Bret Hart are going to beat Vince? That's rough.
- Bret rakes Vince's face against the top rope and kicks him in the corner. Vince rolls out of the ring to take a breather, but The Hart Dynasty and Smith Hart quadruple-team him. David Hart Smith holds Vince up, allowing Tyson Kidd to come off the top turnbuckle with a Hart Attack. When two young men attack an old guy, everybody cheers. When an old man beats up two kids, it's "wrong." I don't understand.
- A desperate Vince crawls under the ring to get away from the Harts. Once they pull him out, he wields a crowbar and keeps them at a distance. Vince re-enters the ring and swings the crowbar at Bret, but gets caught with a punch to the gut and drops his weapon. The next time somebody comes at you with a weapon — whether it is a crowbar, baseball bat, or firearm — sidestep the attacker and punch him or her in the gut. This move always works in wrestling. Therefore, it will work in real life.
- Bret hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret teases the Sharpshooter, then hits Vince with a crowbar. Bret hits Vince with a crowbar and follows that up by kicking Vince in the testicles a bunch of times. Bret's shoe is a crowbar.
- Bret hits Vince with a chair. Bret hits Vince with a chair. Bret hits Vince with a chair. Bret hits Vince with a chair. Bret hits Vince with a chair. Bret is still hitting Vince with a chair, weeks after the match has concluded. In France, Bret hits Vince with a chaise.
- Vince McMahon taps to the Sharpshooter. He is afraid of getting hit with a French chair.
Rating: I think the most important thing is that nobody got hurt.
AttendanceMania XXVI
Justin Roberts has just been informed that the attendance at the University of Phoenix Stadium is 72,219. Justin Roberts failed to say who or what made up that number. Sure, 72,219 people is impressive, but what if a few thousand of those people were ducks? I would be less impressed. Ducks don't have that kind of money. I bet they got comp tickets.
The attendance celebration culminates with a fireworks display from the outside of the stadium and the WrestleMania wigwam situated within the stadium. For a second there, I thought Triple H won a second and third unannounced, unseen match.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge
Break the WrestleMania Aztec pyramid down. Also, don't break the WrestleMania Aztec pyramid down. WrestleMania XXVI is not finished yet. Slightly vandalize the WrestleMania Aztec pyramid so that it is ruined, but still freestanding. Michael Cole announces that Chris Jericho is a six-time world champion and a nine-time Intercontinental Champion. Obviously, Cole is forgetting that Chris Jericho was on Celebrity Duets, too. At the same time, Matt Striker wonders if Edge is genetically coded to physically break down. I wonder if Celebrity Duets will get a second season.
I think I know Edge, but Edge thinks that I will never know Edge. If I could only get Edge to open up a bit about himself and his personal life, I would know him better. Alas, he is a mystery that I cannot solve, like a puzzle with a missing piece. Coming down to the ring in his rock star trench coat and red tights, Cole informs us that Edge is a nine-time world champion. With all these former champions running around, I'm infected. Now, I am a three-time world champion.
- Edge plants Jericho with a faceplant and positions himself in the corner, waiting for the Spear. Before Edge can take a full run at him, Jericho sidesteps Edge and leaves the ring. Once Edge returns Jericho to the ring, Chris kicks him in the chest and sends him to the floor with a baseball slide. The baseball slide reminds me of a great player known as Pete Rose, but not because he was a baseball player. I bet one hundred bucks that Jericho would do a baseball slide in this match. These winnings are for you, Charlie Hustle.
- Jericho continues his offense by suplexing Edge gut-first onto the top rope. After attempting his turnbuckle dropkick, Edge evades the move, bounces off the ropes, and sort of spears Jericho to the outside. In the corner, Edge and Jericho proceed to climb the turnbuckles. Edge gains the advantage and takes Jericho down with a face-buster suplex for a two-count. Perhaps it was the Edge-O-Cution, but I am not Edge-U-Cated enough to tell.
- Jerry Lawler has a personal friend who never recovered fully from his Achilles tendon injury for his entire life. Jerry Lawler has never recovered fully from his sparkly t-shirt injury for his entire life.
- Jericho's first attempt at a Codebreaker is spoiled by Edge, who rams him backwards into the corner. At the opposite corner, Edge prepares to spear him, but gets caught in the Walls of Jericho instead. Following a small package pin attempt by Edge, Jericho bounces off the ropes for the Lionsault and lands on his feet. Edge gets behind him and slams him down with the Edge-O-Matic. When I first heard about the Edge-O-Matic, I said, "Finally, a WWE Superstar has made a food processor that I can actually use." Thanks for nothing, Edge. I'm stuck eating entire stalks of celery here.
- Off the middle turnbuckle, Jericho Superman punches Edge in the back of the head. Edge crawls to the corner, leading Jericho to set up his version of the Spear. To my dismay, Jericho's version of the Spear is a kick by Edge to his face. He's doing it wrong. With Jericho down, Edge prepares his WrestleMania-sized Spear. Edge's WrestleMania-sized Spear turns out to be a Codebreaker executed by Chris Jericho for a near-three count. They're both doing it wrong.
- Out of frustration, Jericho attacks Edge's healed Achilles tendon and puts him in the Walls of Jericho in the center of the ring. Matt Striker urges viewers to touch their Achilles tendon at home and feel how tender it is. I recently hurt my lady parts. Your call, ladies. Edge almost crawls to the ropes to break the submission hold, but Jericho drags him back and pulls off a single leg crab. Lance Storm is smiling right now, yet wants to know how his smile is building to the next Pay-Per-View.
- At ringside, Jericho grabs his World Heavyweight Title before Edge drags him back to the ring. Edge pulls Jericho up onto the ring apron, only for Jericho to drop Edge’s throat onto the top rope. Edge’s momentum sends his backwards, his hand accidentally hitting the referee in the face. The momentary distraction allows Jericho to hit Edge with the belt. Kicking out of the pin attempt, Edge hops on one leg and eats a Codebreaker that gives Jericho the win. Hopping on one leg gets you nowhere. If you see a rabbit hopping on one leg, he is a failure.
- As payback for Jericho's victory, Edge goes crazy and dismantles both announce tables. Jericho struggles to stand on the Spanish announce table. He turns around and sees Edge, who runs from the American English announce table to the Spanish announce table, spearing him through the barricade. I want to think that Edge was aiming to send Jericho through a non-existent, Chinese announce table to make him more cultured, but he just wanted to hurt him. That's not nice.
Rating: ***1/2
Yoshi Tatsu wins the WrestleMania XXVI Pre-Show Battle Royal
Yoshi Tatsu won the WrestleMania XXVI Pre-Shot Battle Royal. Were you aware?
10-Diva Tag Team Match
Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, Layla, Maryse, and Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, and Mickie James
First, Vickie Guerrero and her tag team partners make their WrestleMania entrance. Each Diva does a pose: Alicia Fox pretends she is a sexy, African-American panther; Michelle McCool and Layla turn the wrong way; Vickie Guerrero is Bret Hart; Maryse flips her hair. Four audience members hold up a sign that reads, "Bring Out The Divas." Oh, you fans with your reasonable dreams.
Next, Beth Phoenix and her crew try to trump the first set of poses with their own. Mickie blows a kiss to the audience; Kelly Kelly points to the sky, Beth Phoenix holds an imaginary Terry’s Chocolate Orange; Gail Kim is Korean Shawn Michaels; Eve Torres puts one hand on her hip. The winner of this pose down is Beth Phoenix's team. Beth is a rare human being who appreciates an unbroken Terry’s Chocolate Orange.
- In the corner, Beth, Eve, Gail, and Mickie tag in and out, attacking a screaming Vickie Guerrero. Mickie tags Kelly, who chokes Vickie with her sneaker. In celebration of the sneaker choke, Kelly turns to the crowd and says, "Come on!" In response, Vickie yells in her face, disagreeing with Kelly's point of view. Vickie asks Kelly if she knows who Vickie is. Kelly responds by kicking her in the gut, stepping on her back, and connecting with a leg drop to the back of Vickie's head. This is one of the more entertaining episodes of Charlie Rose in public television history.
- Kelly's pin attempt is interrupted by Michelle McCool. She too disagrees with Kelly's viewpoint and takes her down with a Styles Clash. Mickie James defends the honour of Kelly Kelly and takes McCool out with her Mickie DDT. Layla defends the honour of Michelle McCool and takes Mickie out with a neckbreaker. Gail Kim defends the honour of Mickie James with her inverted stomp facebreaker. Maryse defends the honour of Layla with the French Kiss. Eve defends the honour of not connecting with a move by grazing Maryse with a running senton. Alicia Fox defends the honour of connecting with a move by connecting with an axe kick to Eve. Beth Phoenix promotes slamming women in a glamourous fashion with a Glam Slam on Alicia Fox. How come female wrestlers get knocked out with one move, WWE? Is it because they're
- Beth looks to finish off Vickie, who prays in the corner. As Beth gets her hands on Vickie, she turns around and eats Michelle McCool's boot. Michelle tells Vickie that she can act like a frog. Gaining confidence from Michelle McCool, Vickie climbs to the top turnbuckle, salutes Eddie Guerrero, drops to a standing position, then falls on top of Kelly Kelly. Matt Striker calls it "The Bullfrog Splash." I call it "If You Say So, Matt Striker." Vickie rolls Kelly up for the pin. The referee is about to count to three, but notices that Kelly's right shoulder is off the mat. Everyone is confused for a second before Vickie pins Kelly again for the win. I'm glad we're spending quality time together. Let's build a small birdhouse in a bottle after this review.
WWE Championship Match
Batista (c) vs. John Cena
Justin Roberts announces that the following match is set for one fall and is for the WWE Championship. Batista's entrance theme says, "Yeah." For once, Justin Roberts and Batista's entrance theme can agree on something. Batista jaw-jacks with the entire crowd, then points at himself to trigger a fireworks display and a spotlight. When you can trigger fireworks displays and spotlights just by pointing at yourself, leave your transparent machine guns at home.
In a game of entrance one-upmanship, the U.S. Air Force Honour Guard Drill Team show off their rifle-twirling skills. This brief drill is called "Bring Out The Impatient Guy In The Orange Shirt." Seconds later, John Cena appears, salutes everyone, and sprints down the ramp. The U.S. Air Force Honour Guard Drill Team sure know how to introduce impatient guys in orange shirts. I would use them on Tuesdays (Orange Shirt Day), but I am often patient throughout that day.
- In the corner, John Cena attacks Batista with rights and lefts to the midsection. In my opinion, Cena should refrain from hitting Batista in the midsection. Prior to the opening bell, Batista ate a ton of fishsticks. Batista does not take to kindly to Cena's punches. He whips Cena into the opposite corner and clotheslines him in the back of the head. Batista dips his fishsticks in tartar sauce.
- Cena counters Batista's suplex into one of his own. The difference between Cena and Batista's suplex is that Cena over rotates to the point where Batista almost injures both of his legs and tailbone upon landing. I bet Cena has never tried fishsticks. He shouldn't judge.
- Cena picks up Batista for the Attitude Adjustment. In turn, Batista reverses the fireman's carry into a DDT that almost cracks Cena's skull for a near-three count. Captain Highliner taught Batista that move.
- Batista puts Cena in a rear naked choke in the middle of the ring. Using Gillette Fusion Power, Cena stands up while still caught in the hold before separating Batista's hands. As both wrestlers engage in what looks to be a practice session for the next season of Dancing With The Stars, Batista kicks Cena in the back. Batista does not need a dance partner. He will dance alone.
- Draining more of his Gillette Fusion Power, Cena escapes Batista's front facelock with a back bodydrop. He runs through his sequence of shoulder blocks and a spin out powerbomb, then fixes a tie that isn't there. Of course, the crowd boos him because they appreciate tangible ties over metaphorical ones. As Cena bounces off the ropes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Batista gets up and hits him with a spinebuster. Batista hates metaphorical ties. Why straighten them when they're not even there?
- Batista positions Cena for the Batista Bomb. Cena trips him up and slaps on the STF. Cena is holding Batista so tight in the STF that Batista can shake his head all the way from one side to the other. Eventually, Batista reaches the ropes and spears Cena for a two count. Batista speared Cena so well that John has chosen to nap in the corner.
- Cena wins a test of strength on the middle turnbuckle by head-butting and shoving his opponent to the mat. Audience members rise to their feet as Cena comes off the top turnbuckle with a Five Knuckle Shuffle, except he didn't shuffle. For the first time in his career, John Cena has disappointed me. Cena lifts Batista up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Batista grabs the top rope, drops to his feet in the center of the ring, and nails the Batista Bomb for a near pinfall. His opened-mouth look of utter disbelief at the near pinfall has changed the way I think about life forever.
- After Batista blocks several attempts at the Attitude Adjustment, Cena finally executes one for a two count. Once again, Cena climbs to the top turnbuckle. As Cena comes down with some sort of move, Batista counters it into a sit-out spinebuster — the same move that injured Cena's neck at Summerslam 2008. Looking to take Cena out with another Batista Bomb, Cena counters and gets Batista to tap to the STF. Cena has proven that twirling rifles are cool. Fishsticks are not.
- Cena celebrates his ninth world title reign by posing with Cena haters at ringside. The ultimate underdog has done it. He has won back the title that was made for him.
Rating: **1/2
Career vs. Streak
Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker
At WrestleMania XXV, the seeds were planted for this main event matchup. At the same time, I planted the seeds to grow a bunch of trees in my backyard. As this rematch happens, I am planning to leave the room and see if those trees are fully grown. On second thought, forget about it. I never planted those seeds in the first place. I was watching the WrestleMania XXV match between The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels at the time. Should I plant them this year? No? Wrestling doesn't want me to help the Earth.
He thinks he's cute (possibly for the last time). He thinks he's sexy (possibly for the last time). He's got the looks that drives the girls wild (not anymore, but those girls are older and less attractive anyway). Shawn Michaels walks down the aisle with a black and white, ill-fitting tribal vest. Due to this unfortunate wardrobe mishap, the WrestleMania celebration cylinder wants to make it up to him. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder lowers itself as Shawn does his trademark pose twice.
This WrestleMania, The Undertaker rises from the entrance ramp, surrounded by a cone of laser lights. His entrance attire consists of a sleeveless, leather trench coat, complete with hood. Michelle McCool must have started a online, hooded coat business. He doesn't like the idea himself, but he can't tell her that. She will get mad.
"This coat was good, but it's better with a hood, right?" says Michelle.
"Wow. How about that?" says The Undertaker.
- The Undertaker goes Old School on Shawn Michaels. Everybody knows that going Old School hurts your left knee, except The Undertaker who ends up favouring his knee. Shawn blocks his Chokeslam attempt and goes Middle School on his knee.
- Limping around the ring, Shawn Michaels raises his foot for Sweet Chin Music. At the last second, The Undertaker sees Shawn’s raised boot and backs away. A brief chase around the ring ensues before Shawn goes Ivy League School on his opponent's knee in the corner.
- With Shawn Michaels on the outside, The Undertaker looks to pull off his annual suicide dive. He bounces off the ropes, but Michaels slides back into the ring and attacks the knee again. The Undertaker shows his appreciation for the attack by following Shawn to the outside and driving his back into the ring post. At some point in this match, Shawn should express his interest in purchasing some of Michelle's hooded coats.
- Back in the ring, Shawn continues to abuse The Undertaker's knee with a Figure Four Leg Lock. Every so often, The Undertaker sits up with a furious look on his face before lying back in agony. He knows that Shawn doesn't want to buy any hooded coats, so he shouldn't bother feigning interest in Michelle's business. The Undertaker manages to roll over and reverse the submission, forcing Shawn to break the hold.
- The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels trade punches while Michael Cole reminds us that The Undertaker is the best pure striker in WWE. Matt Striker is second, though he would have been first if it wasn't for all those impure things he did a few years ago.
- Michaels' kip up is met with a Chokeslam for two count. "Is the career over? Is the career over?" asks an excited Michael Cole. No, it is not. Charles Robinson has many WrestleManias left in the tank. The Undertaker follows the Chokeslam up with a Tombstone attempt, but Michaels is able to roll through and put him in an Ankle Lock. I know somebody used this submission move in WWE before. Although, I don't remember who it was. I'm going to say that Shawn Michaels has used this move and the Crossface for the entire time. That seems like the right answer.
- At ringside, The Undertaker catches Shawn Michaels in mid-air and tombstone pile-drives him onto the floor. In response to this great move, WWE shows us the entranceway, where no WrestleMania main event match is occurring. Nevertheless, they have themselves a mighty fine entranceway.
- In the ring, The Undertaker takes Michaels up for the Last Ride. Before both men fall back to the mat, Shawn grabs The Undertaker's hair and drives his head to the canvas. Billy Kidman and X-Pac thank him. Seconds later, Shawn leaps from the top rope for an elbow drop, but The Undertaker gets his knees up for the block. The story of this match is that The Undertaker wants Shawn to injure his knees so he can skip the Hooded Coat Expo in three weeks.
- The Undertaker catches Shawn Michaels in Hell's Gate. Michaels flips over him and gets a two count. When both men rise to their feet, Michaels stands back and hits Sweet Chin Music for a two-and-a-half count. Soon enough, the Undertaker hits the Last Ride for a two-count. Shawn is twelve pin attempts away from getting a 2.89 count, which WWE will round to a 2.9. The Undetaker needs more pins.
- Back at ringside, The Undertaker dismantles the American-English announce table and lifts Shawn up for the Last Ride. Michaels escapes out of the move, takes one step back, and nails The Undertaker with a second Sweet Chin Music. Because he is Mr. WrestleMania, Shawn Michaels is legally obligated to moonsault off the top rope onto The Undertaker's injured knee, breaking the table. Moves that make sense are cool.
- A third Sweet Chin Music fails to give Shawn the win. Matt Striker asks, "Where else will you find this kind of emotion, this kind of passion? It only happens at WrestleMania." If you know the answer, don't ask me the question. Matt Striker is now the third best pure striker in WWE. In his place is nothing, but he doesn't deserve second place anymore.
- The Undertaker cannot believe that Shawn Michaels just kicked out of the Tombstone again. Unfortunately, his look of frustration is not as amazing as the wide-eyed stare he had last year. Pulling his straps down, The Undertaker shrugs his shoulders. Showing sympathy for his opponent, he asks Michaels to stay down. Michaels climbs him, stares up, and drags his thumb against his throat. After Michaels slaps him in the face, The Undertaker freaks out and hits a jumping Tombstone. Shawn Michaels career is over.
- After the match, The Undertaker and Shawn shake hands and hug. Shawn waves goodbye to the WrestleMania crowd and says that he is going to drive his kids nuts in three weeks. I am willing to congratulate Shawn Michaels on a fantastic career, but I don't think a parent is supposed to drive his children's nuts anywhere. They should be attached to his children.
Rating: ****1/2
Being itself was all that WrestleMania XXVI could do.
Monday, April 05, 2010
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 87th
Sometimes some find
Some thrown-together match
But these two know who
Will win it in a flash
There's no opponents too random, no enemies they can't handle
Because they are the more established team
B-B-B-Big guy and small guy
Big mouse and small fly
B-B-B-Big guy and small guy
Having a big and small time
Oh yes, it's always nice
When a mouse that big and a fly that small
Find a way to beat them all
B-B-B-Big guy and small guy
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
The Swerved is one win away from tying The Miz's WrestleMania undefeated streak.
AND
Want coffee? I put cheese in it.
WrestleMania XXVI: Hook vs. Swagger (Part 1)
The final curtain for Shawn Michaels. The coming-out party for the All-American American American American. The debut of the high-definition, Aztec pyramid and the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. However you look at WrestleMania XXVI, you must admit that it was arguably the best WrestleMania of 2010. From the first match to the main event, I was on the edge of my seat. At first, I wondered why my posterior did not want to place itself on the cushioned part of the seat, but then it hit me: WrestleMania XXVI was a thrilling roller coaster ride of a show.
While I was not in attendance at the University of Phoenix Stadium, my spirit was definitely present for this wrestling extravaganza. Even though my spirit had an obstructed view for the entire event, it left that stadium knowing that it had witnessed history. Some people won and some people lost. There were ladders. A bunch of men climbed them. Now, these rare moments are forever etched in the history books.
As I spend the next two weeks looking back at this entertaining event, feel free to reminisce with me. If you watched this show at a friend's house, let's pretend that I am your one of two friends for a while. If you saw WrestleMania XXVI at a restaurant or bar, let's pretend that I am that rowdy drunkard who fought you in the back alley after the event. You deserved that beating. Dolph Ziggler had no chance. And finally, if you watched this show at home, let me be that sketchy home invader who kicks down your door, then immediately runs away for your convenience.
Ladies and gentlemen; welcome to The Swerved's two-part review of WrestleMania XXVI. The Blue Angels have flown over this review, which is strange because this is an internet website and not a football stadium. Either way, I thank them for taking time out of their day to fly over this site. They could have flown over other things, but I'm glad they're here with me.
"America The Beautiful" by American Idol's Fantasia Barrino
Until this performance, I forgot that Fantasia Barrino was the winner of American Idol Season 3. When I first heard that Fantasia Barrino was performing at WrestleMania, I thought the movie Fantasia got married to an Italian man and started up a singing career.
Shots Representing America:
1) Desert mountains with green vegetation. Earth loves Earth Day and irony.
2) A bald eagle not staring at a sunset. March 28, 2010 has been the best of this bald eagle's life. He's not ready to see it end. His custom toupee just came in from Europe, he got engaged, and he recently found two Cheetos stuck together in a bag of Cheetos.
3) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino channelling Macy Gray, who is not a relevant pop culture reference anymore.
4) Golden yellow waves of grain. Amber waves of grain could not make it.
5) Mount Rushmore featuring "Gorgeous" George Washington, Thomas "The Tank Engine" Jefferson, Theodore "Pete Rose" Roosevelt, and Abraham "Abraham Washington" Lincoln.
6) Dark green mountains. Purple mountains’ flight was delayed.
7) Niagara Falls (the Michigan USA part, not the Ontario, Canada part). Niagara Falls,
8) The Iwo Jima Memorial Statue in Washington, DC. Every time I see that statue, it inspires me to get a picture of myself in front of that statue.
9) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings while suggesting to the audience that she is Smackdown's number one announcer.
10) The Statue of Liberty. By now, she must be tired holding up that torch.
11) A bunch of little girls and boys wear star-spangled clothing. One girl has a tambourine, while two boys have an accordion and a drum. They're not playing anything pro-American, though. They’re rocking "Telephone" by Lady Gaga.
12) A member of the military saluting someone off camera. An American flag flaps in the background. Salute the flag for once.
13) Four Blue Angels pilots flying together. They're going to Niagara Falls,
14) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings in a soulful manner. Brian Dunkleman would be proud.
15) Sea.
16) Another bald eagle travels overseas to purchase his own European toupee. Good for you, bald eagle. You're taking initiative.
17) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings while suggesting to the audience that she is RAW's number one announcer as well. I don't buy it. She's the number two announcer, but one is stretching it.
Note: WrestleMania XXVI is brought to you by Slim James. Slim James: It's grown up a lot and wants you to take it seriously.
WWE Unified Tag Team Championship Match
The Big Show & The Miz (c) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
We start off entertainment's greatest live event with R-Truth, who I look at as entertainment's greatest guy with the word "truth" in his name. Sorry, H-Truth. R-Truth wants to know "What's up?" The fans say, "What's up?" back to him. In this case, R-Truth really wants to know what is up. The WWE Universe should really give him a definite answer. At this rate, he'll never know. As John Morrison makes his entrance, maybe he knows. No, he doesn't. Slow motion fails to make him anymore informed.
The Big Show and The Miz come out to a WrestleMania pyrotechnic display. The Miz is sporting a leather, medieval coat. Big events like WrestleMania make him colder than regular events. The Big Show doesn't need a leather, medieval coat because he is big, a show, and resides in the modern day.
- In honour of Scott Hall, The Big Show tags in and gives R-Truth the fallaway slam. Scott Hall is in TNA right now, but I don't know what that is anymore. All I know is that Eric Bischoff plays a mean guitar if you don't look at his face and fingers at the same time.
- The Big Show attempts to pay tribute to Vader with a Vader Bomb on R-Truth. As he climbs the corner, Morrison appears on the apron and kicks Show in the head. I knew Show shouldn't have paid tribute to Vader that way. He should've watched those classic Boy Meets World episodes.
- John Morrison goes for Starship Pain on his former partner, but Show pulls Miz out of the ring at the last second. Suddenly, Horatio Caine has joined me for this review. He stares at John Morrison and says, "It looks like John... is the one who has been starstruck." I took Horatio's sunglasses, so he is putting on invisible sunglasses. Yeah.
- The Big Show knocks Morrison out as he bounces off the middle rope for some sort of springboard move. That knockout punch is payback for all the middle ropes that Morrison has abused over the years. The bleeding stops today.
Rating: **
Triple Threat Match
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
Ted DiBiase receives a lukewarm ovation as he makes his way down to the ring. Despite his fancy mocha trunks and white boots, Cody Rhodes receives a lukewarm ovation as he makes his way down to the ring. Randy Orton receives a small, energetic ovation, then a lukewarm ovation. The fans must have lost Orton in that sea of young, tanned guys with crew cuts that is a WWE ring.
Before the bout begins, Jerry Lawler reminds the audience that due to Rhodes and DiBiase's allegiance, this match will be similar to a 2-on-1 handicap match. Like you, Jerry Lawler's comment got me incredibly excited for this match. A 2-on-1 handicap match, Mr. Lawler? Those matches are usually amazing, but I'm not sure. I haven't seen such a match involving these three men yet.
- After DiBiase takes down Orton with a dropkick, Cody and Ted punish Randy with dual Orton Stomps. I am in favour of students using what they learned from their teachers against them. The next time I visit my old high school, I am going to walk into that gymnasium and show my former gym teachers how to square dance.
- Following a double-team suplex, Ted DiBiase raises his arms and screams, "Candy Yoda." I prefer regular Yoda, but perhaps the candy version of Yoda is just as wise.
- A short burst of offense by Randy Orton is countered with a High and Low, except Cody Rhodes didn't connect with the chop block. Obviously, Rhodes is not taking Candy Yoda's advice to heart.
- While Rhodes scales to the top rope for what looks to be a moonsault, DiBiase goes for the pin. Appalled by Ted's sneaky pin attempt, Cody throws him to the outside and takes Randy down with Hardcore Holly's Alabama Slam. Hardcore Holly is happy, yet mostly disgruntled.
- Once Rhodes goes for the pin on Orton, Ted breaks that up and punches Cody in the face. In the background, Randy regains his composure as Ted and Cody engage in the male version of a catfight. I think they call the male version of a cat fight a "CATfight," which is defined as two Caterpillar bulldozers going at each other.
- A rejuvenated Orton fights back with powerslams for both men. Randy sets Cody up for the RKO, then Ted drags Randy out of the ring. As Ted and Randy brawl at ringside, Cody slingshots himself to the floor, but Randy slides under the bottom rope to avoid the move. Ted was nice enough to catch Cody, though. I think there's something going on there.
- Ted and Cody try to re-enter the ring, but Randy grabs them and executes a double hanging DDT as their feet dangle off the middle rope. With Rhodes down, Orton shoves DiBiase to the outside and punts Cody.
-DiBiase appears behind Orton and sets him up for his finisher, which Michael Cole calls "Dream Streets." Orton counters Dream Streets and RKOs DiBiase for the pin. Well, DiBiase shouldn't have tried to execute multiple Cobra clutches simultaneously. One would have been enough, but it's too late now.
- Randy Orton celebrates his victory by doing his famous Orton Pose in front of the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder has deemed this match to be average to slightly above average. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder is pleased. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder craves young women of child-bearing age for dinner.
Rating: **1/2
Vickie Guerrero Speaks
Josh Mathews is backstage to tell us that history will be made at WrestleMania XXVI. Tonight, one of the most charismatic and influential superstars of the modern era will put it all on the line in an epic confrontation that will forever live in WrestleMania history. Of course, he is referring to Vickie Guerrero. You might find Mathews' introduction humorous in its irony, but I thought he was referring to Vickie Guerrero all along. On second thought, it was either Vickie Guerrero or Fantasia Barrino, but I figured the latter wasn't wrestling at WrestleMania.
In her snazzy "Excuse Me" warm-up outfit — complete with white and blue flames in legitimate honour of her late husband — Vickie appears with Alicia Fox, Maryse, Michelle McCool and Layla by her side. Vickie takes the microphone from Josh and demands the jeering audience to excuse her. She insists that she will create a moment that will forever live on in history, which must mean that she is fighting Fantasia Barrino after all.
Next, Vickie invites Jillian Hall to sing, "Simply The Best." Jillian’s performance is simply the best for Maryse's confused reaction. Entering from stage left, Santino shows up and eats a Slim James. He claims that anything is possible when you bite into a Slim James, such as Jillian Hall turning into Mae Young, Gene Okerlund, and Melina. If that's what happens when you bite into a Slim James, I will pass. I will make my own beef jerky in my bathtub, like all sophisticated people do.
Money in the Bank 6
Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Kane vs. Christian
The object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase. The second object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to inadvertently screw half of your and your opponents' moves up on your way to climbing the ladder and retrieving the briefcase. The third object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to have fun.
Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) Kofi Kingston makes his entrance wearing new purple, white, and yellow warm-up pants. Also, he has tied his hair up in the style of a West Ghanaian mohawk. When he does his routine thunderclap, only his first clap gets pyro. That's what he gets for betraying Jamaica.
2) Montel Vontavious Porter poses with no pyrotechnic display. In lieu of pyro, MVP was supposed to walk between two rows of Sherri Shepherd clones, but those clones wanted to show off their rifle-twirling skills.
3) Evan Bourne walks down to the ring, giving peace a chance. In addition, he shows his excitement toward his first WrestleMania appearance by telling one random audience member about it. I don't know who that audience member was, but I bet he knows how excited Evan Bourne is to be at WrestleMania with accuracy.
4) Jack Swagger arrives wearing a Team Angle-like get-up. In addition to his red, white, and blue tights, he has a sparkly hooded robe. This new attire suggests that he is so pro-American on the outside that he must be anti-American on the inside. He is a fan of Belarus.
5) Ain't no stopping Shelton Benjamin from not winning this match.
6) Matt Hardy has ditched his pirate coat and key tights for cargo pants. This change is the key that opens the lock to not winning this match.
7) Dolph Ziggler cannot contain his excitement, but I bet Nicky from the Spirit Squad can. What happened to you, Dolph Ziggler? You used to be cool.
8) WWE Intercontinental Champion and "Chosen One" Drew McIntyre is one WrestleMania moment away from living up to the myth and legend of "Double J" Jeff Jarrett. All Drew needs is to beat up a lady who does want not him to treat her like a lady, nor a man.
9) Oh, thank heavens. Thank goodness. Kane is wearing new tights. The war is over, people. I can see the light again. The light is bright, Lord. Let me bask in it. Kane was wearing the same pair of tights for over seven years. Big Red Machines are monsters, but even monsters go to Sears once in a while for new duds.
10) Christian makes his WrestleMania return by pointing and looking at the audience, but the camera angle makes it seem as though Christian is pointing and looking at the ladders. Those ladder got in for free, man. Don't entertain them.
- In a fight to reach the briefcase, Evan Bourne is the first wrestler to touch it. Amidst a group of about six wrestlers, Kane pulls Bourne off the ladder and chokeslams him onto Shelton and MVP at ringside. Kane's new tights are working for him. Seven years from now, he will get himself another new pair of tights and dominate.
- Back in the ring, Christian whips Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger into a corner. After throwing a ladder into both men, Christian monkey flips Kofi onto the ladder, hurting the muscle that helps Kingston infuriate Randy Orton.
- All by his lonesome, Christian climbs up the ladder, but gets caught by Dolph Ziggler. Dolph takes him down with the Zig Zag. Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, and Mikey would be cheering for you, but they haven't done that gimmick in a while.
- Shelton Benjamin and MVP subdue Kane, pinning him against the corner with the end of the ladder. From the opposite side of the ring, Kofi runs up the ladder and trips during his corner mount attempt. While Kofi manages to hit Kane with a few punches, Kane counters with a powerbomb onto the ladder, hurting Kofi's mohawk. Kofi landed on his neck as well, but let us pray. I hope his mohawk is alright.
- In the middle of the ring, Bourne sets Swagger up underneath the ladder. Christian and Matt Hardy thread their own ladders through the rungs and sandwich Swagger in between. As Christian and Matt climb the standing ladder, Evan joins them by climbing up the side. Swagger takes out Matt by shoving one teetering ladder out of the ring. On the other side, Evan escapes a Killswitch attempt and leaps off the last teetering ladder with the Shooting Star Press. I was impressed at this Shooting Star Press until I realized that the ladder was teetering at the same height as the top rope. A Shooting Star Press from the top of the ladder would be more impressive. Also, it would most likely kill him.
- Kane climbs up the ladder, but Dolph Ziggler intervenes and climbs over him. For his troubles, Kane tips the ladder over and chokeslams Dolph onto a smaller ladder. Slamming the ladder onto Ziggler, Kane eventually breaks it off its hinges. Kane’s new threads have given him fabulous strength.
- I sound a clever ladder usage alert. Kofi Kingston props both sides of the broken ladder in the corner, uses the sides as stilts, and walks to the center of the ring. Rung by rung, he is almost able to climb to the top of the ladder, but Drew McIntyre stops him. I sound a boring ladder usage alert as Drew simply tilts one ladder side forward, sending Kofi gut first onto the top rope.
- Christian and Matt Hardy trade punches atop a larger ladder. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Christian reverses that into an inverted DDT. Michael Cole calls it the Twist of Fate anyway because he is secretly Jim Ross. Actually, if he is truly Jim Ross, he would have called it the Impaler.
- With two ladders side by side, Christian climbs one, but Jack Swagger knocks it over. Christian climbs the second ladder and gets his hands on the briefcase, but Swagger swings the briefcase into his face. Sixteen seconds later, also known as several eternities, Jack Swagger unhooks the briefcase and wins the sixth edition of Money in the Bank. The reign of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match Hook is over. Although, this intense battle could plant the seeds for the next mega feud.
Rating: ***
Hall of Fame: Class of 2010 Roll Call
Your Hall of Fame Class of 2010 is as follows: Stu Hart (represented by the Hart family, including Bruce Hart in jeans; Wendi Richter; "Mad Dog" Vachon (w/ future Hall of Famer Brie or Nikki Bella); Antonio Inoki and Antonio Inoki's Scarf; Bob Uecker; Gorgeous George (represented by his former wife Betty Wagner, who is accompanied by future Hall of Famer Brie or Nikki Bella; "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase.
The fact that Howard Finkel gets to announce this segment each year is great. He may not be as youthful as Justin Roberts, or as feminine and Asian as Savannah, but he's "The Fink." By the way, Diana Hart doesn't look that bad for her age. I'm sure David Hart Smith is glad to know that his mother is still sort of attractive for an older woman. You're very welcome, David Hart Smith. Hey, can I borrow your tiny vest, David Hart Smith?
Triple H vs. Sheamus
After watching the hype video for this match, I realize that Sheamus and I have a lot in common. As a young fella growing up in Canada, I was always fascinated with WWE, too. Back then, it was called the WWF. My future self went back in time to inform my younger self that it would become WWE. My younger self found that name change quite fascinating. Unfortunately, my future self did not give my younger self his 2010 Sports Almanac. For that, I think my younger self wants to face my future/present self at WrestleMania.
This WrestleMania, Sheamus is white. In turn, Triple H's skin colour implies that he is a walking, Mahogany coffee table. Apparently, walking, Mahogany coffee tables get the WrestleMania celebration cylinder treatment right from the start. Randy Orton had to win his match in order to lower the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. What gives? On top of that, fireworks shot out of the WrestleMania wigwam, which Randy never got after winning his match. What gives again?
- Triple H follows a chop block with a Figure Four Leg Lock in the center of the ring. With this sequence alone, he has managed to honour Ric Flair and insult Cody Rhodes, who showed that he was incapable of connecting with a chop block earlier in the night.
- Sheamus takes over the match with a couple of uranage backbreakers and a double axe handle to Triple H's temple. His first few pin attempts do not get the three count, but I can't look away. With Sheamus on top of Hunter like that, they resemble the Polish flag. Think about it and get back to me.
- Triple H's comeback consists of a high knee and a facebuster, which was a move that was suggested by someone in the audience. If Triple H needs an audience member's help to beat Sheamus, he's not going to win. As a quick side note, Hunter's pin attempts on Sheamus resemble the Polish flag, but held upside down.
- Sheamus escapes a corner mount and attempts a Razor's Edge and a pump kick. Triple H counters both moves and hooks his opponent in for the Pedigree. Sheamus counters Hunter with a back body drop and finally hits his pump kick for a two-and-a-half count. Out loud, Matt Striker wonders what this sequence says about the will of Triple H and the heart of Sheamus. I believe this sequence says nice and friendly things about them.
- Hunter wanders over to Sheamus, who stands up on the apron and hits him with another pump kick. I think this sequence says that Sheamus has a diverse arsenal of moves. Maybe he needs to use Stephanie McMahon's Slap.
- As Sheamus brings his groggy opponent to his feet, Triple H reveals that he has been playing possum. Where I come from, playing possum involves being a marsupial and carrying your young in your pouch. In wrestling, the saying simply means that one wrestler has tricked another. At WrestleMania XXVI, Triple H tricked Sheamus and gave him the Pedigree for the win. When he's at home, Hunter probably carries Aurora Rose and Murphy Claire in his pouch sometimes. Then again, I'm not familiar with him personally.
Rating: **1/2
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Every WWE announcer was sickened by CM Punk's rendition of "Happy Birthday" for Aaliyah Mysterio on a recent episode of Friday Night Smackdown. From my point of view, I think that's just how CM Punk sings "Happy Birthday." One time, I asked CM Punk to sing me "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia for my birthday. He ended up singing it the same way. Rey Mysterio should be glad, not mad. Whether it is sung well or poorly, "Happy Birthday" means ice cream cake for all.
CM Punk celebrates his first singles match at WrestleMania by sporting snazzy, G.I. Joe-inspired trunks. If knowing is half the battle, I think the other half is getting a bald lady and Festus on your side. Punk has all those bases covered. As Punk walks down the aisle, he claims that he can save Rey Mysterio and lead everyone to a better place. The camera shows us that some Mexican guy in the audience doesn't agree. I disagree with that Mexican guy. He doesn't have G.I. Joe-inspired trunks.
Rey Mysterio takes a long time to make his appearance. When he finally shows up looking like a Na'vi, I finally understand. In order to come out looking like someone from Avatar, Rey needed to get in one of those Avatar chambers first. If I were him, I would have walked out looking like Sigourney Weaver or something to save time.
- At ringside, CM Punk reverses Rey Mysterio's wheelbarrow bulldog by slamming his opponent's face into the steel steps. Honestly, I never liked Rey Mysterio's wheelbarrow bulldog. The move is disrespectful to bulldogs who require wheelbarrows to move around and lead normal lives.
- Punk manages to counter a springboard cross body into a powerslam. Next, Punk counters another attack with a loud kick to the side of the face. This is what happens when Rey Mysterio supports James Cameron over Kathryn Bigelow.
- In a moment reminiscent of his 1997 Halloween Havoc match against Eddie Guerrero, Rey brings back an old move. He clasps hands with Punk, leaps to the top rope, performs a moonsault, and hits him with a DDT. That cheesy, yet creepy Halloween Havoc pumpkin has tears in its eyes right now, remembering better times. Also, it is vomiting up its own pulp for hilarious effect.
- As a tribute to Eddie, Rey Mysterio tries for the Frog Splash. As a tribute to logic, CM Punk sits up and gets out of the way. He capitalizes on Rey's mistake by connecting with a high knee in the corner, only for Rey to come back with an arm drag that leaves Punk hanging on the middle rope. Rey calls for the 6-1-9, but Serena protects him. On the other side of the ring, Luke Gallows yells in Rey's face. Settle down, Festus. Biscuits and gravy is straight-edge. Don't worry.
- Punk looks to ambush Rey from behind, but spears Luke Gallows off the apron instead. Off the ropes, Mysterio hits the 6-1-9 and a top rope splash for the pinfall. Dropping the Dime was a top rope legdrop, so I deem this move "Picking Up the Halfpenny." It's about time that Rey Mysterio started caring about his change. Good for him.
Rating: ***
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)