Some time after every WrestleMania, the general managers of RAW and SmackDown come together to participate in the WWE Draft Lottery. Unlike your typical draft, World Wresting Entertainment's version involves the fine art of random selection. For the general managers of the brands, their role in the WWE Draft Lottery process is clear. First of all, the WWE Draft Lottery expects each general manager to show up for the three-hour special. After that, they must stay in the building for one hour. Once that hour is up, they must hang around for a second hour. After that second hour, they are obligated to chill for a third hour. The life of a WWE General Manager is difficult at best.
In the past, the WWE Draft Lottery has provided wrestling fans with a ton of shocking and exciting surprises. Edge was drafted to Smackdown, then moved to RAW, then moved back to Smackdown, then moved back to RAW again, and was finally drafted back to RAW. Years ago, Triple H was drafted to SmackDown before being traded back to RAW for Booker T, The Dudley Boyz, the rights to the song "Happy Birthday," five Nigerian orphans, and the meaning of life. Even world champions have switched shows, automatically becoming the champion of a show full of people they haven’t fought yet. More often than not, the moves that aren't made prove to be the most fascinating, such as Funaki ― the franchise of SmackDown ― remaining on the show to this day. What is in store for us this year? We shall see.
This week, I am ready to predict who goes where. I may not be an expert at WWE Draft Lottery predictions, but I do know one thing: If you are drafted from a show with red stuff, you will most likely be moving to a show with blue stuff. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot fool me. They might as well just tell me their plans now. In this never-ending game of chess, I am always several moves ahead of them. I've checked their mates twice and thrice. They want to switch to Connect Four, but with the help of the official WWE Draft Scorecard, I've already connected three.
If you haven't printed out your official 2010 WWE Draft Scorecard, I suggest you do so right away. If you don't, you will be missing out on a lot of fun. There will be pens and everything. Next Monday, wrestling fans around the world will be throwing 2010 WWE Draft Scorecard parties. Sadly, they will be unable to attend each others' parties as they will be too busy hosting their own. Five million, one-man, WWE Draft Scorecard parties occurring simultaneously, you say? Average to good to great times for all.
Characteristics: Dolph is proficient at intermediate ziggling ― the time-honoured technique of styling your hair to make it look like undercooked spaghetti. Dolph Ziggler will be holding a weekend-long ziggling workshop (April 23 to 25) at the Hyatt Regency Pier Sixty-Six Resort & Spa in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Cost is $500 per strand of hair that you want to look like undercooked spaghetti.
Possibilities: I'm going to need Dolph Ziggler's help on Monday nights. You see, whenever I watch Drew McIntyre on SmackDown, it feels as though someone is slowly and deliberately rendering me unconscious. In order to regain that wonderful feeling on Monday Night RAW, Dolph Ziggler's sleeper hold must do the trick. During one of the commercial breaks, he can come through my television set and keep the blood from rushing to my head. That way, I can fully engage myself in the Drew McIntyre viewing experience.
Characteristics: Drew McIntyre is "The Chosen One," which means that Vince McMahon recently got caught up in a Pokemon fight and found himself a Drewichu. Drew McIntyre's most potent offensive move is called "Drew Talk." If this Pokemon speaks, boring-ass words come out.
Possibilities: Every RAW Superstar who falls victim to McIntyre's Future Shock DDT will simultaneously lose consciousness for two minutes and seventeen seconds. After this disturbing and strange event, those Superstars will envision themselves in the future. As they look at what their lives will become, they will see a vision of Drew McIntyre walking at his normal pace, just leaving the ring.
Characteristics: Edge's surgically-repaired Achilles tendon is the envy of all torn Achilles tendons. Insiders like myself speculate that Edge's surgically-repaired Achilles tendon helps Edge walk, jog, and sprint on his own power. Torn Achilles tendons don't do that. They just make guys skinny-fat.
Possibilities: Edge's return to RAW is for good, also known as good until the next draft. The R-Rated Superstar should look forward to tying up the loose ends left from his last stint on the show. The one-hundred-and-forty-fifth chapter of the Edge versus John Cena feud must be written. Additionally, an RKO reunion could be in the works, leading to Edge making his RAW debut by riding out on a giant snake with Randy Orton. Most of all, I am highly anticipating Edge starting up a sleazy relationship with the Vickie Guerrero of RAW: Chavo Guerrero.
Characteristics: His beard has the supernatural abilities to start fires, stop fires, house a village for one calendar year, make sweet love to beautiful women, and sit on Mike Knox's face. Mike Knox can wear a beard and wrestle.
Possibilities: Mike Knox's beard can feud with Mark Henry's beard in honour of the WrestleMania XIX feud between Triple H and Booker T. Mike Knox's beard will have several backstage confrontations with Mark Henry's beard, claiming that beards like Mark Henry's aren't "championship material." The week after that, Mark Henry's beard will storm into the bathroom of Mike Knox's beard. Mark Henry's beard will ask Mike Knox's beard if he something to say to him. In response, Mike Knox's beard will give Mark Henry's beard a dollar and ask him for a towel. Mike Knox will be released.
Characteristics: Tiffany is insatiable. According to various sources, she cannot get enough. She needs to find a boy. No matter how hard she tries, she cannot find her true love.
Possibilities: Tiffany is one of many WWE Superstars who need to find a boy, yet have not found one yet. Since she could not find a boy on SmackDown (Drew McIntyre does not count), look for Tiffany to be in desperate search for one. When she does find that boy, watch out. Her theme song will start saying "Tiffany is satiable. She does have her limits. She already found a boy, so I guess that's pretty much it. How are your folks?"
Characteristics: Brie Bella looks almost exactly like Nikki Bella, which is neat. Being a Bella, she is susceptible to elimination from most Diva Battle Royals within the first thirty seconds of the match.
Possibilities: As Brie makes a legend of herself on Friday Night SmackDown, RAW Guest Hosts will have difficulty keeping their balance while standing. With Nikki Bella on one arm, RAW Guest Hosts will need to be equipped with a Brie-Bella-shaped counterweight on their other arm. Seeing this visual, viewers at home will think that RAW Guests Hosts are still super suave, despite suffering from a severe inner ear problem. Next year, when Brie Bella is drafted back to RAW, she will have an instant rivalry with the Brie-Bella-shaped counterweight.
Characteristics: Thankfully, the Christian we know and love in 2010 is better than the man he used to be. He's smarter, more experienced, and has a mustard-coloured, old man body and grandpa pants. If you see Christian around, ask him to watch The Lawrence Welk Show with you. I'm sure he will be pleased.
Possibilities: Christian's streak of not having any contact with his brother/friend Edge should continue. On SmackDown, Captain Charisma will take on the daunting task of appearing in a weekly backstage segment with Teddy Long. In each segment, they will see something weird and comment about it in a humourous manner. His second, less daunting task will consist of accidentally slamming his head onto the edge of the ring without his opponent laying a finger on him. His Achilles tendon will have no contact with Edge's Achilles tendon either.
Characteristics: Melina can do the splits. The ring apron used to think highly of her, but it will never be able to look at her in the same, dignified way again. The revealing past cannot be altered.
Possibilities: You know, Melina is right. She believes that many WWE Divas deserve a special title moment, supported by a dramatic chase and build-up. When that WWE Diva holds and defends the prestigious title, Melina expects her to bring attention and validity to it. That way, wrestling fans will clamour to see a deserve challenger take on and defeat that champion, completing the circle of a success, professional wrestling feud. Melina's old-school mindset about WWE women's wrestling worked on RAW when she quickly defeated Jillian Hall for the title in their only, one-and-a-half-minute match. Therefore, I don't see why Melina should stop doing her thing. She can take her approach to SmackDown and beat the WWE Women's Champion in a single meaningful match that lasts at or under that time.
Characteristics: Montel Vontavious Porter is a convincing man. If you see him hanging around some castle ruins in his old, white and purple, track get-up, you better listen to him. The WWE Superstars are trained professionals. Don't try what they do in the ring at home or you will ruin a perfectly good castle. Thank goodness that an important king wasn't in that castle. I bet he wouldn't approve of someone power-bombing another guy onto his stony residence.
Possibilities: MVP's streak of forming mediocre tag teams with whomever has nothing to do on the roster will continue on SmackDown. After John Morrison and R-Truth go their separate ways, expect Montel to form a tag team with R-Truth because WWE loves colour coding. Recognizing both wrestlers' history, WWE will portray them in a sensitive light and call them "Those Two Black Guys Who Went To Jail Once." In hopes to turn the tandem into a trio, Shelton Benjamin will attempt to join to group. He will commit a serious crime, but the judge will only sentence him to lose another Money in the Bank Ladder Match.
Characteristics: Ted DiBiase is the new owner of the Million Dollar Belt. Holding the Million Dollar Belt means that you are the champion of not spending your money wisely. I don't know why Ted wants to be the champion of that, but whatever. Strangely enough, I am the owner of the Ten Dollar Belt. I am on a budget.
Possibilities: Freeing himself from the oily chains of Randy Orton and The Legacy will allow young Ted to become the new incarnation of "The Million Dollar Man." Stealing a page from Scrooge McDuck, Ted will make his ring entrance by diving into a pool of gold coins as more coins rain down from the rafters. Spectators who do not drown in this golden pool will suffer fatal blows to the head by falling change. Ted DiBiase will feel guilty at first, but elbow grease should rid his coins of any stubborn blood stains.
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