Monday, October 27, 2008

Clue Mysteries: Cornfused

Suspects: Jesse and Festus
Location: In the Gravy
Weapon: Biscuits



Testing the quiz.


Why is a math book so sad? Because it has too many problems.


When I'm not saving the world from harm or using mind control to form an army of amicable yet aggressive penguins, I like to take a quick gander at World Wrestling Entertainment’s official website. For years, has provided its fans with breaking industry news, in-depth, informative stories, and the best merchandise money can buy. Why purchase necessities like food and clothing when you can get a beach towel that features the San Diego area code? Why save up money to send your kids to college when you can splurge on Shawn Michaels' Christian-themed shorts? Do you want to fill up your vehicle with precious gasoline, or do you want to repeatedly hit yourself over the head with an inflatable sledgehammer? The answer should be clear to you.

Out of every feature on the WWE website, the exclusive videos are my absolute favourite. I love these Exclusives as if they were members of my own family, or generous mistresses of mine, willing to experiment with fellow mistresses. Not only can you watch highlights of RAW and Smackdown and find out the Original ECW Moment of the Week (Ricky Ortiz proving why he is the only Ricky Ortiz in WWE), you get entertaining segments with entertaining hosts. These exclusives are gold, my friend. As if you are a 19th century prospector, go ahead and chip at other websites with an axe, but you cannot prospect this greatness elsewhere. Move over, other video segments that feature wrestlers who talk about other wrestlers. Make room for Exclusives. They are internet video segments that feature wrestlers who talk about other wrestlers. They are here to stay.

More exclusives, I say. More Exclusives for one and all. I would not mind if WWE replaced RAW, Smackdown, and ECW with televised internet exclusives. In fact, I would prefer them. What would you choose? Two hours of Randy Orton complaining about the shortness of his hair or Morrison and Miz rapping beside train tracks? A Friday Night of Triple H speaking in a sarcastic tone in place of saying something funny, or Santino Marella, whose mere presence is comedic? As for ECW, Mike Knox's overabundance of charisma cannot make up for the show’s bland nature. Therefore, ECW should feature double the internet segments on television in an attempt to match his charismatic self.

This week, I look at these exclusives with a fair, objective eye. You know me. I am a fair professional wrestling analyst. I treat professional wrestlers and WWE with the utmost respect. I never tell them what to do and when to do it, so why should I start now? Like you, I am a mindless wrestling enthusiast. I have no opinion of my own. I am not a fan of heels because WWE tells me they are bad people. In turn, I am a fan of faces because WWE tells me they are good people. World Wrestling Entertainment can do no wrong. Unlike World Championship Wrestling, Vince McMahon and WWE never raided another promotion's roster for selfish purposes. They simply borrowed talent for a period long enough to appear as though they owned them. Other promotions do not exist. World Wrestling Entertainment rules. Now and forever, Stephanie McMahon is a better writer than I.

"The Dirt Sheet" with John Morrison & The Miz

In a world full of winners and losers, former WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz present "The Dirt Sheet." As the name suggests, this segment dishes the dirt about every WWE Superstar known to man, woman, and child. Because "The Dirt Sheet" is quite dirty, Morrison and Miz wish to clean it. If they use Bounce, they are out of luck. Whenever my sheets are dirty, I use a combination of Tide and pleasant thoughts. If I manage to catch the dirt before it settles into the fabric, I use Shamwow, the unofficial cousin of Bow Wow. I recommend Morrison use Shamwow to remove the glitter from his abdomen. While I appreciate the sentiment, glitter is difficult to remove. Many hostile suspects on Cops douse themselves in glitter to evade arrest.

Hurricane "Gregory" Helms may think that John Morrison and The Miz are not entertaining, but I disagree. Morrison is as tan as the Pope (Todd Grisham). The Miz is a chick magnet, which means that he attracts women made of iron and other sturdy alloys. What proof does Helms need? If Morrison and Miz are boring, how come Captain Highpants sponsor their show? Shawn Michaels and his high pants do not lend their likeness to any show. Captain Highpants is the Pepsi or Coca-Cola of sponsors. Therefore, only shows like The Dirt Sheet receive the love. Perhaps Gregory should stop criticizing Morrison and Miz's comedy and start finding out how to escape from that oval in the top left or top right corner of our television screens.

Until that day comes, I shall put Morrison and Miz's rap on repeat. They are the Lyte Funky Ones of our generation.

"Word Up" with Cryme Tyme

Do you like street lingo? Cryme Tyme has your hook up, son -- for true. Like “The Dirt Sheet,” Cryme Tyme’s “Word Up” is informative. One particular gift that both segments have given to the world is the epic rivalry between Cryme Tyme and John Morrison and The Miz. While Shad Gaspard and JTG deem Morrison and Miz's friendship to be a "bromance," I cannot help but see the irony in their statement. A brotherly romance with deep-rooted, homoerotic undertones, you say? My word. Sure, Cryme Tyme are free to call Morrison and Miz’s relationship whatever they wish; the team is rather close and friendly. With that said, how is Cryme Tyme's relationship not a bromance, too? Shad and JTG do everything together. They make money as one. They dance together. They engage in crimes at various times as a unit. Shad and JTG are more Bonnie & Clyde than Bonnie & Clyde.

Furthermore, I never see Shad and JTG with any women, except Kelly Kelly. Whenever Kelly Kelly shows up, Shad and JTG act like they have never seen an attractive women before. I see girls like Kelly Kelly every day, but only from the back for I fear emotional attachment. If Cryme Tyme wants to throw insults around, they should be aware of their own faults. Since Cryme Tyme love to do the crime together, they must love to do the time together.

I guess this "money, money" they speak of refers to the coin rolls in
their pants. Whenever they say, "yeah, yeah," they agree with the fact that their respective coin rolls have ascending denominations. As their eyes meet from across the room, Shad and JTG's coin rolls of pennies transform into coin rolls of quarters, if you catch what I am throwing. One day, I hope Cryme Tyme will gain the courage to cash in on their inner desires. Life is too short to not love and be loved.

"Santino's Casa" with Santino Marella

With Santino's Casa, Santino Marella makes me feel at home. Truly, Santino's Casa is The Swerved's Casa. Although, Santino's Casa is not your casa until you prove yourself worthy of living in such a casa. For me, home is a green screen with an overlay of a stereotypical Italian neighbourhood. Please do not judge how I live. This is how I do. I do not care how you do. Perhaps you dwell in a studio apartment overlooking Times Square. Perhaps you live in an empty Campbell's soup can. Wherever you live, make Santino's Casa your new home.

At first, you may question why the ladies love Santino Marella. After all, Santino Marella managed to woo Maria with the power of his Italian meatballs. If you want an answer, Santino's Casa can be that answer. If you want know why Beth Phoenix has fallen for Santino Marella, look no further than his glorious unibrow. Glamorous women from dig unibrows. As for me, I plan to grow a unibrow in the near future. After I grow this unibrow, I shall grow another. I want some he-woman love for once. I do not want to be tossed aside after use. I want her to hold me. I need to feel safe.

Lessons I learned from "Santino's Casa":
1) Santino Marella provides lighting and catering for Santino's Casa. He turns on the oven light and he's done with both.
2) Snoopy the Dogg ruined the inaugural SantinoMania with his ability to control arena lighting by adding "izzle" as a suffix to modern English words and phrases.
3) Santino Marella wants to use Mama Juana to have passionate relations with Britney Spears. Apparently, Santino is unaware that he can get with Britney Spears by asking her nicely.
4) Germans are the world's comedians. They make me laugh because they have such a quaint, low-key history with other ethnicities.
5) John "Bradshaw" Layfield claims that Santini does not have a clue about the American economy. In this case, I agree with JBL. A tiny version of Santino Marella would have poor to inadequate knowledge about the American economy.

"WWE En Español" with Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich

Live on tape from the always vulnerable Spanish announce table, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich bring you "WWE En Español." Of course, I do not speak Mexican, but I must say that Cabrera and Savinovich are an enthusiastic, likable duo. Each week, they encourage me to become a worldly individual. On my next day off, I shall watch Telemundo a whole lot until I learn the language. While I watch, I shall eat Taco Bell. Through these activities, I will cross the border spiritually, but not literally. Yo quiero Mexican things and what not. Am I right, or am I right, Americans? By the shake of your maracas, please respond. Like my own beliefs, yours must be inoffensive as well. Viva Tostitos, everybody.

In the latest episode of "WWE En Español," Cabrera and Savinovich appear at WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut to review RAW, Smackdown, and ECW. Even though I am not from the beautiful, exotic island of Mexico, I am able to pick up the majority of their discussion. During this episode, Cabrera and Savinovich claim that WWE Cyber Sunday will feature Chris Jericho and Stone Cold Steve Austin as electrical outlets. Also, Mike Adamle has a pet hamster of some sort. Cabrera says that the hamster may be named "Polenta." What a charming, delicious name. I am glad that Mike has found friends. Thanks for this information, Cabrera and Savinovich. For your troubles, I have made you a pitcher of lemonade. You may drink while you garden.

"Best WWEek, Worst WWEek" with Matt Striker

Well, well, well, disgraced teacher from New York, New York. What have we here? Your segment, which you call "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek," covers the best and worst events of weekly WWE television. Bravo for you. You call yourself an intellectual, but did you know that you are a thief, too? You are a thief and a liar. On occasion, you are a thieving liar in plaid tights. Thus, I despise you twice and a half times. Shame on you. Shame on you and the shameful horse you rode in on into Shamestown, Virginia. How dare you marry Pocahontas. I am a lover, not a fighter, but if I was a fighter, I would fight you to the shameful death in your cage of shame. When you sleep, you better keep both eyes open, Matt Striker. I do not know how you will be able to sleep with both eyes open, but find a way. You found a way to steal my idea, so find a way to slumber while awake. I have two fists. You have but one face. Take it easy.

As a means to inform the masses of Striker's wrongdoing, I give you Exhibit A in the first of numerous exhibits. On September 25, 2006, I wrote an article comparing the world of ultimate fighting and mixed martial arts to the world of professional wrestling with hilarious results. At the end of said article, I posed the following question:

This WWEek in Ultimate Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that Ultimate Fighter Forrest Griffin is neither a forest nor a griffin, yet Carlito is actually from the Caribbean and is cool?

A: Hahahahaha... wipeout.


Where did Striker go wrong? Please observe the manner in which he spells "week." Next, notice how I spelled "week" over two years ago. You see, "WWEek" is my bread and butter or low-fat margarine. Every time that Striker spells week as "WWEek," he threatens my livelihood. Matthew Luscious Striker has no right to capitalize on the way I spell "week." I do not know him. I have never known him. I do not associate myself with liars, criminals, or meanie-bo-beanies. As long as Matt Striker continues to take advantage of my ingenious ideas, I will continue to make every week his "Worst WWEek." Do I make myself clear, Mr. Striker? I thought so. Good WWEek to you, sir. I said good WWEek.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Clue Mysteries: Bella of the Balla

Suspect: Brie Bella
Location: Under the Ring
Weapon: Nicole Bella



Sexclusive exclusives.


It comes and goes in waves.

Knoxville & Khali

Dear Johnny Knoxville; my name is Stephen Rivera. I am the number one professional wrestling analyst in the entire industry. For over two years, my site, The Swerved, has been the home of wrestling truth. I do not tell a lie. I do not associate myself with people who lie. In fact, whenever I sleep, I do not even lie in a bed. If I need rest, I sit on my bed for an average of eight per hours per night and dream about honesty. Therefore, please take my words to heart: do not feud with The Great Khali. Of course, I am a big fan of your “Jackassery.” Perhaps my favourite stunt of yours was when you did that thing that got you hurt in the balls. Despite my admiration for your ability to char your groin on a rocket, I do not condone your attempted foray into the wrestling business. Before Khali murders you with his mere presence, take your honey-roasted nuts and go home.

While Jackass, an award-winning television show and critically acclaimed film series, continues to be relevant today (if I somehow knew how to build a time machine that could send the world back to the year 2000), World Wrestling Entertainment would be wise to not involve themselves in this mess. Why? Even though Jackass is as popular as ever, I think you want to start a war for which you are not yet ready. In my opinion, your feud with The Great Khali will not produce a winner. You see, Johnny Knoxville, you are a successful actor. For goodness sake, you are one of two Dukes of Hazzard County. Furthermore, Party Boy is a professional partier. I'm positive that he has a partying wife and kids to feed. Also, Steve-O is a certified doctor. Do you know what you're doing, Johnny Knoxville? When you choose to fight The Great Khali, you choose to lose everything. Why must you compromise the glowing reputations of yourself and the Jackass alumni for bragging rights? Why can't you and Khali get along, brother man?

Now, I understand your need to discover the exact size and shape of Khali's tallywhacker. Like any heterosexual man, you can't live another day without knowing the precise dimensions of his Member to Dismember. Then again, why must you argue over the size of the junk in his front trunk? Everybody knows that mine is the largest. Actually, I think that my man business has its own Wikipedia entry that it wrote itself. In reverse world, millimetres are larger than inches, right? Okay, good. Once more, mine is definitely the largest. Nevertheless, you should not fight Khali over such trivial questions. He will give you an answer when he feels like it. Until he responds, I suggest you attempt to make amends with him. Like yourself, Khali is a gifted actor. I saw him in Get Smart. He threw Terence Stamp over a bridge at the end. Bridge-throwing is what Terence Stamp gets for being General Zod years ago. The Great Khali is good people.

If you still do not believe in the magic of Khali, I shall propose a series of innovative Jackass stunts that both of you could try. Please do not write off the Punjabi Nightmare. One day, he will be your Bam Margera. If you stack five Wee-Mans on top of each other, you will get one Khali. What would you rather have: five non-Khalis or one Khali? Do not let this decision become your Sophie's Choice. Be a man and make the right one.

This Guy Right Here


The following article features stunts that will be performed by a professional wrestler and the dude that was in that horrible film entitled The Ringer. Unlike you, both men will be under the supervision of Ranjin "Sideburns" Singh. Accordingly, The Swerved with Stephen Rivera and World Wrestling Entertainment must insist that no one should attempt to recreate, watch, or enjoy any stunt or activity proposed in this article. Get your cats and dogs to do these stunts and activities instead. They're not human. They don't have feelings. They either sit on a pillow for the whole day, eating Whiskas like a snob, or they transport Neo Citran in the snow. Those lazy pets need excitement in their lives.

Hi; this is Johnny Knoxville and The Great Khali... and this is


In a portable toilet, Knoxville rolls himself down the side of a steep mountain into another portable toilet that holds The Great Khali. The impact will knock Khali's toilet over, which will create a domino effect that topples a series of portable toilets, organized in the shape of Michelle McCool. Due to the rectangular nature of portable toilets, Knoxville and Khali will be unable to detail McCool's ribcage in an accurate fashion, but you will be able to see the Undertaker in the background. He will be chilling.

"The Never-Ending Pasta Bowl"

With Speedos full of Ragu, Knoxville and Khali will swim in a Olympic-sized swimming pool of pasta. The first man to eat his way to the bottom of pool wins a one-fortieth-eaten, Olympic-sized swimming pool of pasta. The loser will continue to have a sporadic, working relationship with Vince McMahon that does not benefit either party.

"Diamonds in the Cole"

Knoxville and Khali will strip naked, then use a Medieval catapult to launch themselves into RAW play-by-play announcer Michael Cole. They will proceed to launch themselves again and again with the catapult until they uncover all nine of Michaels Cole's mystery erogenous zones. As a note, Cole's "skull" and "limb-like arms" do not count as erogenous zones for they are not a mystery. If Knoxville or Khali excite Michael Cole with a direct hit to one of these areas, you will not see an expression of shock on anyone's facial-feature-like face.

"Go Fish"

Knoxville and Khali will visit The Boogeyman on ECW and ask to borrow a couple of worms from his never-ending worm pocket. Knoxville and Khali will devour one worm each. Next, they will regurgitate the worms in hopes of catching dinner. Johnny Knoxville will get lucky and end up with a seven-pound sockeye salmon. Meanwhile, Khali will catch a boot. Well, Khali doesn't like salmon anyway. He prefers a one-hundred to two-hundred-pound halibut.

"Pillow Head"

In honour of Vladimir Kozlov's devastating headbutt finisher, the duo will dish out violent headbutts to the ample chests of the WWE Divas roster. Those with natural busts, such as Brie Bella and Maria, shall receive one headbutt from each man. Divas with abnormally large, augmented chests, like Jillian Hall and Melina, shall receive ten headbutts. John "Bradshaw" Layfield will get about fifty headbutts for he is a perfect ten or twenty. He is rather buxom.

"Looking So Good to Me"

In order to recreate the most famous wrestling moment of 2002, Knoxville and Khali will dress up as Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn. They will walk around World Wrestling Entertainment wearing "Johnny" and "The Great" bandanas and short red tights. In addition, they will act in a flamboyant manner to make homophobic audience members uncomfortable. As the homophobic audience questions their own sexuality, they will attempt to forget that time that they felt funny in their pants during a private screening of Stand By Me. If the memory continues to bother them, they will boo and jeer Knoxville and Khali to release the demons that linger inside them. As the new Billy and Chuck attempt to get married on Smackdown, they will receive a quality gravy boat as a wedding gift from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). This group will believe that World Wrestling Entertainment is an honest, upstanding wrestling company. In the end, they will be wrong. After an unsuccessful ceremony, Knoxville and Khali will denounce gay marriage to make the homophobic audience feel comfortable again. You can go ahead and hang out with your buddies in your underwear again, wrestling fans. The demons are gone.

"You're Fired"

Johnny Knoxville will douse The Great Khali in gasoline and shove him into the fire within a Trick Candle Factory in Los Angeles, California. Knoxville will attempt to put out the flames with a fire extinguisher, but the extinguisher will shoot out colourful streamers rather than water. While Khali suffers third-degree burns to his face and torso, Knoxville will run to his home in Knoxville, Tennessee and attain the hose from his kitchen. Knoxville will run out his front door to put Khali out of his misery, but the kitchen hose will only reach Scottsdale, Arizona. In the hospital, Knoxville and Khali shall share a laugh over this humourous occurrence.

"Meet the Simpsons"

Knoxville will dress up as former Baptist minister and current pop music manager Joe Simpson. Khali will adorn a pink bikini and dirty blonde wig to become Jessica Simpson As Knoxville in Joe Simpson-like attire compliments Khali's curvaceous, Jessica Simpson-esque figure, Khali will warble the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl. In most cases, the Star Spangled Banner takes three minutes to sing. When Khali transforms into Jessica Simpson, he will emulate her grating, unnatural singing style to make the Star Spangled Banner last fifteen years long.

"The Man with the Tan"

In a challenge that tests both participants' physical and mental strength, Johnny Knoxville and The Great Khali will take a shuttle to the sun. Without sunscreen, they will rest on the surface of the sun in order to become as tan as current World Heavyweight Champion Triple H. After five hours, Knoxville's skin will resemble a crispy slab of bacon; he will succumb to exhaustion. One hour later, The Great Khali will turn into a raisin. Unfortunately, neither man will manage to match Hunter's inhuman skin colour. Triple H is a walking mahogany hutch.


As Giant Panda Bears, Knoxville and Khali will wrestle within the confines of the Punjab Prison. At the same time, they will be the only individuals in an arena of 18,000 who enjoy Punjabi Prison Matches. No wrestling match in history has as much bamboo as the Punjabi Prison Match. Due to the marginal popularity of the Punjabi Prison Match, the Giant Panda Bear population shall rise again. Take this news and inform yourselves, Arctic Polar Bears. Knoxville and Khali hope you like the Endangered Species List.


Out of character, Knoxville and Khali will put on work overalls over wrestling tights. For several weeks, they will carry legendary WWE Superstars Kenny Dykstra and Ryan Braddock inside their moving van for laughs, but really silence. As Khali drives the van from The CW to MyNetworkTV, they will search the television landscape for lower ratings and a collective display of audience apathy. In conclusion, they will have little difficulty finding both.

"Cybering with Sunday"

For this year's Cyber Sunday, Knoxville and Khali will act as members of the WWE Universe and vote via text message. Even though the word cyber is a computer term by definition -- which means that Cyber Sunday should be an event that is strictly determined by internet voting -- World Wrestling Entertainment prefers to use the definition that does not exist or make any sense whatsoever. For next year's Cyber Sunday, Knoxville and Khali will vote via telegraph to Samuel Morse. Who will face Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella at Cyber Sunday 2009? If you want to see Sgt. Slaughter do one move, tap dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dash-dot on your T-Mobile telegraph to Morse now. If you identify with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's hatred for shoes, tap dash-dash-dash, dot-dash-dot, dot-dot-dash. Finally, if you like "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and wish to congratulate him on his constant pregnancy, tap dash-dash-dash, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot. Each vote costs one dollar. Telegraph carrier charges apply.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 52nd

Kane vs. A Maturing Dakota Fanning

I just got rid of Rey Mysterio, who's in grave disbelief
I donated every one of his masks for Red Cross relief

As I blossom into a woman, I will replace him
I have grown taller and thin

Every future film that I am in will contain more provocative scenes
I will show you more of my skin on the silver screen

Kane will find out that he's no match when I am around
Since Tom Cruise can't carry me around, I use my two feet to walk on the ground

Give me the love that you gave Rey Rey
Applaud me and I might introduce you to Oprah Winfrey one day

Give me the cheers that you gave Rey Rey
Applaud me and I might let you join in on my foreign policy debate

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Johnny Knoxville's hand is smaller than The Great Khali's hand? How can this be?


I'll see the next hour through. It falls to the next so soon.

Wear It Out

The month is October. The year is 2008 Common Era. Who are you going to be this Halloween? Will you wow the costumed men and women as a confused naked man, or are you actually going to try to dress up this year? Before you relay your costume idea to me, do not chicken out and cut holes in a white bed sheet. As much as I dislike ugly people, I dislike ugly people in uninspired ghost costumes more. At twelve years of age, a ghost made me a man. I know that doesn't count because ghosts are supposed to be transparent, but the pain hurts all the same. I was never in love with you, ghost. You took away my flower. Why did you have take away my whole garden? I am not pure anymore. My wedding night is ruined.

For those of you have no clue what to wear, look no further than World Wrestling Entertainment for possible ideas. Professional wrestling is a colourful entertainment sport. Aside from fencing, wrestling is the one sport that allows its competitors to simultaneously wear pleather and fringe. As you watch WWE programming, you should notice an intriguing costume concept or two. You can't watch one minute of RAW, Smackdown, or ECW without seeing a wrestler in a vibrant costume. For example, Snitsky wears black. I can't believe that Snitsky wears black. Is he aware that he's wearing black in front of millions of people? Halloween happens once per year, Gene.

A few curious readers have inquired about what I plan to wear for Halloween. I won't give the secret away, but I will give you a hint: I am going to dress up as someone whose first name is apparently Kung Fu. This way, I can participate in a hilarious backstage skit with a man of African-American descent. Together, we will sing songs that refer to my first name. Also, we may sing songs that share similarities with other songs that refer to my first name. At the end of this skit, your love for comedy and professional wrestling shall come into question. Did you get the hint? Oh, I can't wait any longer. I must tell you. I'm going to be The Boogeymanatee -- half-Boogeyman and half-manatee. I told you that WWE is rich with costume ideas.

The Randy Orton Costume

Essentials: On your day off from playing Connect Four against hookers for Ritz Crackers, summon every tattoo artist on Earth by waving a band of barb wire into the air. When the League of Extraordinary Tattoo Artists gather in your living room, hire them to cover your body in every tattoo imaginable. If one tattoo artists wants to give you a tramp stamp that features Kermit the Frog scoop-slamming Abraham Lincoln, let him do so. Do you prefer Abraham Lincoln scoop-slamming Kermit the Frog instead? Too bad. I have made the decision for you.

Perhaps Randy Orton is right: you cannot live life without wearing Affliction shirts. If you don't wear Affliction shirts, Randy will think that you are a pansy. You better start enjoying the sight of two skulls staring at each other while a haphazard chunk of vines penetrate the eye holes. You better start liking the image of a fiery cross next to a cross of fire next to "Sailing" singer Christopher Cross, stuck behind a wall of flames. Hey, nothing you can say will change Randy Orton's opinion of your non-Affliction-wearing self. He is back in WWE. He is insulting WWE Superstars without retribution. Don't give him a reason to come after you.

On Halloween, I recommend that you wear about five Affliction shirts at once. Why? Mixed martial arts fighters (or men who resemble mixed martial arts fighters) get women. Mostly, they get hurt, but they get women, too. While you want to attract ladies in slutty Halloween costumes, you don’t want to be too attractive in your Affliction shirts. In other words, don't wear six or seven Affliction shirts at once. The slutty real estate agent at your friend's Halloween party will think that you are easy. No sale.

The Chris Jericho Costume

Essentials. Before you drape a replica World Heavyweight Championship over your shoulder, you must put on a dress shirt and tie that are tight enough to swallow your neck. In business attire, Chris Jericho's neck disappears. If you ask me, Chris Jericho must be a heelish magician with that neck-disappearing act. I bet he's going for the instant-Dean Malenko look, who was not born with neck. In my opinion, Jericho is twice as heelish as David Copperfield. As a reminder, have a friend or family member dress up as Lance Cade. As your Lance Cade emulates your short haircut, let him (or her) walk three steps behind you. If your Lance Cade walks four steps behind you, you will ruin the illusion that Lance Cade matters.

When Chris Jericho returned to World Wrestling Entertainment last year, I was not impressed. Just because Chris Jericho returns to the world of professional wrestling with a new, modern haircut and a shiny vest does not mean that he is better than before. Thankfully in 2008, Jericho has proven that is more than a flamboyant hostess at Harrah's as a convincing bad guy. May he be the champion of Monday Night RAW for years to come, or least until John Cena gets restless and reappears. Hence, may Jericho be the champion of RAW for another three hours and fifteen minutes. Well, three hours and fourteen minutes. I apologize for wasting that minute on Jericho.

Of course, the Chris Jericho Costume is not the scariest. In comparison, the Chris Jericho Costume is no Dracula or New Candice Michelle. Fortunately, Halloween is not all about scares. For the most part, Halloween is about candy. Lots and lots of candy. Even those “treats” in black and orange cellophane wrappers are desirable candy on Halloween. You may not enjoy Jericho's serious antics, but the costume gets results. In the real world, desperate fellows and fillies seeking work wear suits to make a positive first impression. If you want to impress others and get some candy, you must dress like a Christopher Jericho. When you have the suit, you will get the candy. When you get the candy, you will most likely eat the candy. When you eat the candy, you will probably feel tired and go to sleep. If you are looking for a way to get money or women through the Chris Jericho Costume, you are out of luck.

The Kane Costume

Essentials: First, you will need a pair of black tights with red trim. Whatever you do, do not wash these tights. If you want to be Kane, you must act and smell like Kane. You must provide visual proof that you do not purchase additional articles of clothing at a Wal-Mart or a Target. Kane doesn't purchase clothes at those places. Why should you? Next, you must wear one contact lens to show that you are a Big Red Monster who has astigmatism in your right eye but not your left. What should you do with your left eye? Put some Visine on that mother.

Children love Rey Mysterio. Without a doubt, WWE Kids Magazine readers around the globe relate to Rey Mysterio's everyday struggles. If young wrestling fans could sum up their life in two words, their answer would be Rey Mysterio. "I am the biggest little man, too. One time, while I was learning about multiplication tables at recess, Kane attacked me with a juice box in the parking lot." Rey Mysterio is the voice of a silent nation. Although, what about Kane? How come children dress like Rey Mysterio for Halloween, but not Kane? If I had to guess, children can't embrace the Kane costume because they don't understand it.

Don't be afraid, my children. Trust me when I say that Kane is a relatable character. Soon enough, you will seek revenge on your enemies without a shirt. As you mature, you will want to set people on fire. In particular, you will walk around with a gasoline can, looking for Oklahoman commentators to set ablaze. In addition, you may have an intrinsic desire to electrocute another man's testicles. When you‘re older, you will stop identifying with Rey Mysterio and start loving Kane. I know you don't think that you will ever stop loving Rey Mysterio, but your love affair with Rey is a phase. Your love for Rey is a part of growing up as a wrestling fan and a human being. Enjoy this Rey Mysterio love now for it will not last forever.

The Kelly Kelly as Ashley Massaro Costume

Essentials: You will need to adorn yourself with whatever Ashley Massaro wears. I'm talking about black bandanas, black backwards hats, layered skirts, and mesh t-shirts that make it appear as though you are a single pear that has been purchased at a grocery store.

Not everyone can look like a blonde model who gets with Test. Trust me. The other day, I tried to look like a blonde model who gets with Test. In the end, I rolled my ankle. I am never going to try to look like a blonde model who gets with Test again. On the other hand, anyone can resemble a blonde model dressed like Ashley Massaro with a little bit of effort. Did you see Kelly Kelly last week? She's all about looking like Ashley Massaro. Now, I see you, wrestling fans. Week after week, you drop to your knees in front of your television screens, wishing and hoping to be a model dressed like Ashley Massaro. Soon enough, that day shall come to pass.

The Halloween Costume Experts Association of North America (HCEANA) claims that Ashley Massaro is the most popular yet unattainable costume of 2008. While that claim is true, you don't have to spend this Halloween without an Ashley Massaro costume on your blonde model body. With a few alterations to your current wardrobe, you can become Kelly Kelly as Ashley Massaro. Turn your wardrobe inside out and backwards. For the second step, attack your wardrobe with a automatic machine gun. In one hour, you will become Ashley Massaro, your friend will become Ashley Massaro, and your estranged father will become Ashley Massaro. Ashley Massaro herself wants to become Ashley Massaro for Halloween, but I won't let her. I'm not afraid of Ashley Massaro costumes. On the other hand, the real Ashley Massaro scares me.

The Vickie Guerrero Costume

Essentials: In order to be resemble a heel GM the likes of Vickie Guerrero, you must use a wheelchair rather than your legs. I don't care whether or not you enjoy using wheelchairs. Do you hate wheelchairs, sir or madam? How about I break your legs? What do you think about wheelchairs now? You see, wrestling fans despise wheelchairs. In nightmares, wrestling fans run away from chairs on wheels. Perhaps they are scared of wheelchairs because they are foreigners. According to professional wrestling, wheelchairs hail from Russia. Since they are not from the United States, you must boo them.

Jakks Pacific has mass produced a Vickie Guerrero action figure. Due to this ingenious move, I assume that Vickie Guerrero is the most popular, evil, female Smackdown General Manager in the history of popular, evil, female Smackdown General Managers. Even though millions of kids will dress up as superheroes such as Iron Man, Batman, and Super Mike Adamle this year, just as many will don Vickie Guerrero garb. Do not be the only one on your block who does not look like Vickie Guerrero. After all, everybody loves somebody sometimes. The Swerved loves Vickie Guerrero sometimes. Every other time, The Swerved loves Vickie's wheelchair. Man, I wish to spend many sweaty nights with that wheelchair.

I hope Vickie Guerrero's wheelchair poses for Playboy at a convenient point before WrestleMania XXV. Once her wheelchair goes spread eagle before a heart-shaped bed, you can bet that it will receive a shot at the WWE Women's Championship. During the WrestleMania feud, the wheelchair will argue that every wheelchair's dream is to pose for Playboy Magazine. In turn, whoever is the WWE Women's Champion will claim that Playboy spreads demean wheelchairs and other freestanding, mobile transportation devices. Whoever is the WWE Women's Champion is right, you know. Wheelchairs should get by on their functionality and durability rather than their appearance.

The Dolph Ziggler Costume

Essentials: Hi; I'm talking about Dolph Ziggler Costume essentials. Do you have a hand? Do you have a hand that can open? Can that hand move up and down in a shaking motion? Can that move up and down in a shaking motion while it clasps another hand that moves in a similar motion? Do you appear tan to the extent that other people come up to and ask if you were involved in a freak tanning accident? Can you inject your weight in steroids? You can? Well, you're good to go, soldier. Get to Ziggling immediately before people find about you. Plus, don't tell your parents that you don't use protection. They don't want to be grandparents yet.

Hi; I'm talking about Dolph Ziggler. You don't have to dress up as Dolph Ziggler, you know. Maybe one-half children in total will dress up as Dolph Ziggler this year. Other than that one-half child, you can be my guest and dress up as whomever you please. As a suggestion, consider dressing up as Kerwin White's Caddy, or Nicky from the Spirit Squad. Both of those costumes are infinitely superior to Dolph Ziggler. If you still want to dress up as Ziggler, I suggest that you add reflectors to your costume. Your tanned skin will blend in with the October darkness.

Hi; I'm continuing to talk about Dolph Ziggler. On Halloween night, I am ready for those poor souls who don the Dolph Ziggler Costume. As they arrive at the front door of my aluminum teepee, I will give them Fun Size Snickers and Nestle Crunch. When they give their thanks, I shall sneak Kenny Dykstra into their bags. At this point in his career, Kenny likes to chill at my teepee. I put out a Kenny Zapper on my front porch, but he's still alive. I have to get rid of him somehow. Will you Dolph Zigglers help me, a professional wrestling analyst who struggles to keep Kenny from eating my garbage?

Monday, October 06, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 51st

WWE Women's Championship Match
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Lifeless Female Mannequin

Let me show you how to not move it
Let me show you how to not move your face
Not move your face, not move your face, your face (not move face x5)
Not, not, not move your face at all
Look, look, look awkward in the face
Not, not, not move your face at all
Look, look, look like plastic in the facial area
Not, not, not move your face at all
Look, look, look awkward in the face
Not, not, not move your face at all
But a face not, not, not as plastic as Jillian Hall's (ooh)

Excessive rhinoplasty
Excessive rhinoplasty
Excessive rhinoplasty
Excessive rhinoplasty
Excessive rhinoplasty
Excessive rhinoplasty
All eyes on my awkward, plastic face
All (x∞)

The Question:
Who wins and how?



You are what you wear.


I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.

2: Part 2

I've been Swerved.

Yes, those are the words I utter each and every Monday after I read the weekly Swerved blog postings, as I wipe up the cereal that came through my nose, onto my laptop, from laughing so hard. Many a shredded wheats have crumbled on my motherboard, and my mother, from being Swerved. So Swerved, in fact, that sometimes I feel like putting my car on "S" and driving in Swerverse.

Oh, don't spell at me, you say. But I say, I shall. You see, S is for the Songs I sing with glee after reading the Swerved and feeling proud that the Armpit was the first major forum to display Stephen's writings. T is for the Trigonometry lessons from the 11th grade that leave my brain in order to make room for more Swerved memories, which build up by the week. E is for the Equator, which is how far I would walk without water in order to read the next Swerved entry. P is for Palin, our next Vice President, who is fit to serve alongside only two men in history: John McCain and Stephen Rivera. H is for H2O, the chemical name for water, which I could not live without longer than 2 days. Meanwhile, I cannot go without the Swerved for 2 hours. E is for Equilibrium, which I lose every Monday as I wobble around my kitchen, laughing in stitches at the most recent Swerved graphics that Stephen does in Adobe Photoshop. N is for Nominate, which I want to do for Stephen Rivera, as the President of Major League Baseball, so that every man, woman, and child can salute the most recent Swerved blog posts before every ball game across the great country of America.

Put that all together and you have S-T-E-P-H-E-N. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the next President of the United States of America... Stephen Rivera.


10 Questions: Where Are They Now?

1) Everybody wants to know "Where are they now?" Don't you? I don't believe you. Stephen, you once wrote that you would never fall off a 20-foot ladder. Instead, you said you would fall off twenty 1-foot ladders. My question is, where are those ladders now, and how did you store them so efficiently to save on space?

SR: Wait a minute. Actually, wait thirty-one minutes so the pizza is free. Why do you ask me this question? What kind of Wrestling Professor are you? A poor one? Any Wrestling Professor worth his wrestling salty salt knows the answer to this question. Because I learned to fall off twenty, one-foot ladders, I am now able to successfully fall off a twenty-foot ladder. With that said, I have utilized my newfound skills to place my twenty, one-foot ladders on a hook that hangs high above my garage. Although, whenever I try to climb the twenty-foot ladder to get to my twenty, one-foot ladders, I can't do it. Each time, I find myself climbing the twenty-foot ladder in slow motion for some reason. Then, when I get to the top, I end up batting the twenty, one-foot ladders like a cat clawing at a ball of yarn for eternity. At that altitude, you tend to lose your ability to unhook things. For precautionary purposes, don't attempt to unhook a girl's bra in Colorado.

2) We all have an accomplishment in life that we look back on as our greatest ever. For HHH, it was when he first said he was the greatest champion of all-time while keeping a straight face. For Earl Hebner, it was when he came within 99 points of becoming Mayor of Montreal. For me, it was assuming that Canada even has a Mayoral system without first checking to see if that's factually correct. For you, it was when you elicited a response from the upper management of Morphoplex following a scathing satirical piece on them. My question is, where is Morphoplex now, and what happened to the truckloads of Morphoplex you purchased (at no discount, I should add) in 2005 in order to research that article?

SR: Morphoplex is alive and well. Due to another series of commercials shot from a lakeside patio in the early 1990s, they are thriving. For your information, I still take Morphoplex. Despite what you may believe, I continue to be their biggest fan. In fact, I live in a Barbie Dream House made out of empty Morphoplex bottles. Don't even think about coming in with some Zantrex, Skipper. Today, I don't even eat food anymore. Every meal is Morphoplex. At social gatherings, sometimes I ingest Morphoplex pills with my pinky out to appear distinguished to others. In order to solve the economic crisis, why doesn't America just take Morphoplex?

3) They say that you should sleep 8 hours a night. Who is this "they" that people always talk about, and where are "they" now?

SR: According to my secret sources, "they" is Jerry Lawler, the current colour commentator for Monday Night RAW. You see, Jerry Lawler requires all teenage girls to sleep at least eight hours per night. Why? Lawler only needs seven hours, fifty-nine minutes to take away their innocence. Oh, snap it up like a hippopotamus that is doubly hungry. You can put it on the board, governor.

4) Everyone knows the legend of things science has yet to prove, such as the Loch Ness Monster, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Bigfoot, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, Adam & Eve, Adam & Steve, and that phantom WWF title change with the Rockers in 1990. But the biggest mystery still known to man is the physical locations of the mysterious faction of evildoers known as They
Now. Where are They Now?

SR: In the lost city of Atlantis, They Now was a faction comprised of the evil versions of these mythological figures. They Now had a Loch Ness Branch, a wood monster who sought revenge against the tree that betrayed him. Their Santa Claus was a man known as St. Nicholas Hogan, who rode his sporty yellow sleigh without care or concern for himself or others. The Easter Bunny was the Easter Duck, an optical and devilish illusion. Is it a bunny or is it a duck? Mine eyes do fool me, picture of a bunny or a duck. Bigfoot was WWF-era Prince Albert. The Tooth Fairy was a Gold Tooth Fairy; she made wealthy rappers with poor dental habits sad. The Sandman was ECW's Sandman, who fell asleep on a wet beach one day, covered in sand. The evil Adam & Eve wore several layers of clothing and purchased their apples online. Adam & Steve wore fashionable layers of clothing and decorated their dining room with panache. Finally, They Now's phantom WWF title change was a phantom after all. This phantom used its Zubaz-style tights to ward off vampires and attract zebras.

Two years to this day, They Now disbanded on amicable terms.

5) Solve this problem and you will be hailed by all Americans. Where are Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, and former WWE headliner, Mohammad Hussein? And are they all hiding together?

SR: For years, these three individuals have lived together in a Californian condo. Osama bin Laden had to pretend that he was gay to appease their nosy landlord. In the future, Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, and Muhammad Hassan will debut as the second coming of P.M.S. (Pretty Mean Sisters). Osama is a Tenneseean firecracker. Therefore, he will play the role of Jacqueline. Since Omar is a seductive she-devil who has made love to Goldust in the past, he will be the new Terri Runnels. Hassan will be Ryan Shamrock for he is a sultry girl-next-door. Last of all, Mohammad Hussein, Muhammad Hassan's doppelgänger, will play Meat. His trunks will look like underpants. Also, he will look excited down there.

6) Perhaps no other children's object has been so underutilized by wrestling promoters as the stuffed animal. Children love them, parents love to give them as presents, and grandparents love to give parents the money to buy them and give them as presents to the children that love them. And what better child-friendly duo to be given the stuffed animal gimmick than former road warrior tough guys, the Legion of Doom? Yes, I want you to go back to 1991 WWF, when LOD debuted in the WWF with their new mascot, Rocco. Rocco was a toy, and it made Hawk and Animal that much more manly to be seen carrying one around as they hoisted spikes on their shoulders and mean-looking face paint on their cheekbones. Where is Rocco now?

SR: The future was so bright for Rocco that he had to wear shades and an outfit tailored for a puppet. In 2008, Rocco lives in a quaint Italian village and dreams of becoming a real boy. Along the way, I hope Rocco befriends a sharp-dressed cricket who can express the feelings of a wooden being through song. That cricket won’t rub his two legs together to make music. He can “sang.” He is the Celine Dion of crickets.

7) Two heads are always better than one, unless they are attached to each other. But in ECW, 2,000 heads were always better than one. Don't believe me? Just ask Al Snow. He would come to the ring amidst a sea of bobbing Styrofoam heads, creating a visual presentation unequaled by any other person from Lima, Ohio. Lots of money was spent on those heads, while little money was spent on the heads of the people who bobbed them. My question is, where are all those Styrofoam Al Snow heads now?

SR: Soon enough, you'll know. You will all know. Any day now, the Styrofoam Al Snow heads shall rule the earth. I told you that the uprising was going to happen, but you didn't believe me. I was trying to help. I was never against you. Why did you turn your back on me? You thought I was mad, didn't you? Didn’t you. I told you that these Styrofoam heads would attain victory in World Packing Supply Material War I against the bubble wrap heads and the crinkled-up-page-of-newspaper heads. We're not safe here. We're not safe anywhere. Our possessions may be safe when we move, but what about us? The prophecy is true. From this point forward, I suggest you stop nodding your head and start shaking your head. If we start agreeing with these bobbing Styrofoam heads, we will never defeat them.

8) They once lived in Memphis, feuding with Jerry Lawler. They once managed the Original Midnight Express. They once innovated the use of a cordless phone in pro wrestling matches. They once had catfights with Missy Hyatt and Madusa. They once wrestled Jim Cornette. They once led ECW to prominence. And they once got yelled at by Brian Gewirtz and Stephanie McMahon. I speak, of course, of Paul Heyman's strands of hair. Where are they now?

SR: I bet Paul Heyman was like Marsha Brady in that he constantly combed his hair in his youth (before a picture of Davy Jones to the music of Dick Dale's "Misirlou"). About twenty years later, the excessive combing caught up with Paul's scalp. In my opinion, Paul Heyman's strands of hair should be on the second floor of the Heyman house. If they are not on the second floor, I guess Jan Heyman took them and made herself a long, flowing wig. You know how Jan can be. That family never pays enough attention to Jan. The maid doesn’t care for her either.

9) They were just here, I swear. June of 2007, in fact, is when everyone last saw them. They were large, prominent, and glistening under the lights and swimming in Baby Oil. They bulged, popped, and got hard with the just a little push. Get your mind out of the gutter. I speak, of course, of all the gigantic muscles that once adorned the skeletons and tendons of WWE's finest superstars. They've vanished, having been replaced by smaller (but still hard and toned) ones. Stephen, you gotta know... where are those muscles now?

SR: The muscles are on a extended, paid vacation. In WWE, I attribute the loss of muscles with the loss of Skittles. In particular, Jim Ross is rather upset at the lack of fruitiness in the company. In bodybuilding circles, Skittles are the only steroid. Tropical Skittles give you muscle mass. Sour Skittles give you muscle definition. Wrestlers can't bulk up with Jolly Ranchers. They want to lick those rainbows. Who doesn't want to lick some spectral colours?

10) This last question has been pondered by man since 2001. They were once everywhere, filling bingo halls and stadiums, topless bars and strip joints, gas stations and arcades, and lonely rooms hooked up to dial-up modems. They posted in message boards, kept hookers in business, and swarmed around TV sets every Monday night. They got tattoos, never read books, and chanted "E-C-W" whenever anyone did anything that looked like it took no talent to do. They smoked, drank, and inhaled. They clicked, right-clicked, and downloaded. They even hated stereotypical descriptions like the ones I just gave. Stephen, they're wrestling fans, and they're gone. Please tell me, and tell the world, where are they now?

SR: Currently, the wrestling industry has one fan. This individual became the last fan standing after he beat the other wrestling fans in a game of Talk to a Woman Without Messing Yourself. For the win, he closed his eyes and pretended that he was talking to a wall poster.

With this knowledge, I strive to appeal to this one fan. His name is Jonas. He is forty-two years old and works under a bridge. His choice of cologne is a charming mixture of Raid and flop sweat. He is afraid of large crowds and bears with hats. Every night, I walk over to an open window and sing sweet lullabies to him. "You're not enough for me. Just another man in love with me. Gotta open up your eyes and see. You're not enough for me," I softly croon as he slumbers in his race car bed. What can I say? The dude digs Michelle McCool's theme. Whatever Jonas wants, Jonas gets.