Monday, June 29, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 69th

Intercontinental Championship vs. Mask Match
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Tuxedo Mask

Wearing a mask by daylight
Wearing that same mask by moonlight
Wearing a mask, keep that mask tight
He is the one who wears a mask

He will always wear a mask at Arby's
He will wear a mask while meeting Terence Trent D'Arby
He will leave that mask on while he plays with a young girl's Barbie
He is the one who wears a...

Mask-like mask
Mask-esque mask
Mask-type mask
Mask-y mask

His favourite film is The Mask
He is the one who wears a mask

Wearing a mask by daylight
Wearing that same mask by moonlight
With a mask he does his laundry in that mask
He is the one who wears a mask
He is the one who wears a mask
He is the one... with the mask

The Question:
Who wins and how?



CM Punk continues to be skeptical of Kentucky Grilled Chicken (as he should be).


We're matching forward, looking backward, hunting for treasure again.

Plus One

Something is missing in our lives. We may go about our day with a smile on our beautiful faces, but deep within our chiseled and toned bodies lies an emptiness. This void requires healing. World Wrestling Entertainment tries to fill that void with more Randy Orton and Triple H segments than a human being can handle, yet that is not enough. When I look at myself in the mirror, I tend to do two things. First, I feel an intense desire to make babies with my handsome self. Secondly, I sense a inner vacancy. The state of today's wrestling industry has made me hollow. Years ago, I was happy with the product. When I wanted X-Pac, boy did the World Wrestling Federation give me X-Pac. When I craved fascinating and powerful stables, the promotion presented the Disciples of Apocalypse and the Truth Commission. Where did everything go? In 2009, WWE's insides are empty. Just like mine.

Vince McMahon wants you to know that the Hart Foundation is alive and well once more, but I want Vince McMahon to know that my heart is not yet beating for the Hart Dynasty. He gives me second generation, yet I want to see the first generation that made them second. One more man can do it for the Hart Dynasty. World Wrestling Entertainment claims that Legacy was born better, but I was born to know better. Like Randy Orton, I hear voices in my head. Those voices don't tell me to kick dudes really hard in the head. Those voices tell me that Randy Orton's Legacy is made up of a superstar and a duo of bland lackeys. I say no more. Let's add another, my brother. WWE believes that Shelton Benjamin is a superior athlete with a superior education. I believe that Shelton Benjamin wears a lot of gold and says a lot of phrases related to gold for no significant reason. There ain't no stoppin' me now from stating that if Shelton Benjamin is a scholar, why does his theme song start with "ain't"? Ain't is not no English word. I ain't looking for a teacher. I'm looking for a million dollars, man.

Jack Swagger has the swagger to make it in the wrestling business. He is bound to become a future World Heavyweight and or WWE Champion. On the other hand, he is not ready to talk the talk. He should keep walking. He should keep wrestling. I say put a man by his side who knows how to work the microphone. Swagger doesn't got me where he wants me, so give him a certain someone with a chalkboard. Give him a man who knows the golden rule of talking. According to various sources, The Miz is awesome, but how awesome is he? In my time, men and women have came along, bragging about how awesome they are, only to prove that they are far from awesome. Is Miz for real, or does he need a superstar who can bring him back to reality? Back-up dance it up, Mizanin. If you don't move it, you will lose it.

In mathematics and life, adding one to a number makes that number greater. In the world of professional wrestling, adding another talent to a group of talented people makes that group great. While I suspect WWE's love for mathematics, they sure can add up their billions of dollars in revenue. If they want to keep that money flowing, they must learn the deadly art of addition. Plus one, please. I ask you kindly.

The Hart Dynasty with Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart

David Hart Smith is the son of Davey Boy Smith, also known as "The British Bulldog." Natalya is the daughter of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Finally, Tyson Kidd once used the Hart family bathroom when he needed to tinkle. Together, they are the Hart Dynasty, or the Hart Trilogy, depending upon the last time you accidentally watched ECW. David, Natalya, and Tyson make a talented trio of size, speed, and Neidhart-level beauty. Although, the foundation of their Hart Foundation is unstable. In order to bridge the gap between the old and new generation of Harts, I call upon the decision-making folks of WWE to bring in a mentor for this up-and-coming group. Surely, Bret Hart cannot guide them because he is too busy doing something more important, such as nothing involving WWE. Since Bret is out of the equation, that leaves one man left. One bearded man.

Jim Neidhart's involvement with the Hart Dynasty is not for show. If David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd shall become an official tag team, Neidhart can show them the way for he is a legendary tag team specialist. For the sake of all that is pink and black and suitable for physical and metaphorical attacks, he is a two-time WWF Tag Team Champion. Who else can say that they won two tag team championships in their careers? Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway? Forget you. "The Anvil" is the man. Back in his day, tag teams never got tag ropes. They had to make their own tag ropes. Plus, the World Wrestling Federation forced teams to tag one another by having one partner slap the other partner's mother in the face. Jim Neidhart is the toughest cookie in the cookie jar. The Hart Dynasty should relish in the fact they will get to stroke Jim's beard for good luck. As for Natalya, she will just enjoy spending time with her father. That's nice. I wish my father had his beard. If he did, I would have nice things.

Legacy with Lacey Von Erich

Recently, "The Viper" Randy "The Viper" Orton "The Viper "The Viper" has emerged as the next great heel. To me, he is similar to Jake "The Snake" Roberts in that he is able to look deranged and creepy for the enjoyment of children. Sadly, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase — who now have a price until further notice — are two dudes in the background, watching Randy have a personality. For months, I have tried my hardest to find entertainment with Cody and Ted, but I have failed in a spectacular fashion. Just when I think they are entertaining, I discover that I envisioning them talking and wrestling with top hats and monocles instead. Even though a tag team of Mr. Peanut and Mr. Monopoly would be ten dreams come true for me, these dreams are not real. Cody and Ted were supposed to adopt personalities with their association with Orton, but they most certainly have not. Because I don't see an end to this Destiny's Child situation, in which Randy Orton overshadows both men as Legacy's Beyoncé, we need a change. We need a change tout suite.

As you can tell from her last name, Lacey Von Erich is a member of the Von Erich family. Specifically, she is the daughter of the late Kerry Von Erich and a former WWE developmental talent who managed and competed in Florida Championship Wrestling until her 2007 release. In addition, look at her. Seriously. Look at Lacey Von Erich. Supposedly, WWE released Lacey because they believed she wasn't improving as a wrestler. In response, I wonder why they let her go, yet allow Maria to compete in a wrestling ring without a care. Have they seen Maria compete in a wrestling ring? To be fair, Maria came into the company as a Diva Search contestant. Then again, that Diva Search was five years ago. I assume Maria was spending those years making various sparkly hoodies. Fair enough. Whatever happened, WWE made a mistake. They need Lacey back to serve as Legacy's valet before the crowd completely loses interest in Cody and Ted. If the crowd stops caring, Cody and Ted will be so distraught that they will begin to drink one malt with two straws. You've seen the Archie Comics. You know what happens after that.

Shelton Benjamin with "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase

"Are we really going to do this again? Well, fine. Since you come out here every week, taking about the truth, I got a little truth of my own. You see, you, and people like you, claim you came up in the school of hard knocks. You got your education on the streets, and you're actually proud of that. The truth is that's just a line to make yourselves feel better for the underachievers that you are... unlike the Gold Standard. You see, I actually went to college and got myself a real education. And I also graduated the top of my class. You, the only the thing you've got going for you is... well, you've said it in your song. You be skippin' and jumpin'. I assume, on the streets, they forgot subjects like English, so here's a lesson for you: you don't be anything. I don't be the Gold Standard. I am the Gold Standard. So, just so you understand this, I am going to put it in your language. After I be beating you tonight, you can be skippin' and jumpin' out of this arena, out of the WWE, and out of my life."

Man, Shelton Benjamin is pretty edguclated, what with his educlation from a highly educlated university. A smart man such as Shelton deserves a bigger reward than facing R-Truth — one of life's biggest rewards. Despite the fact that he has been the Gold Standard for a while, I do not believe that he will attain golden superstardom without some help. Benjamin can only enjoy the fruits of beating Triple H with a surprise roll up for so long. Someday, I think Benjamin will make it. Who do I see as the mastermind behind his success? None other than "The Million Dollar Man," trading in Shelton's gold for cash. I've seen the commercials, and so have you. Trading in gold for cash is a blast. Everybody is doing it. Even teenagers are doing it at parties. Now is your time to turn your used, unwanted, or broken Gold Standards into cash. Call their number or visit them online today to request your Free Goldpak. As a quick note, I have been told that trading gold for cash is how babies are made. Once Shelton Benjamin learns that Gold Standards are no match for "Cash Money," he will be rolling in the dough. One part flour, two parts chang-chang.

When Ted, Sr. is around, there's no need to do wacky flips off ladders anymore. All you have to do is put on a suit with a dollar sign on the back and watch the money come to you... via wacky flip from a ladder onto seven other guys below, waiting to catch it. I guess Charlie Haas can come, too, provided that he bring his used, unwanted or broken gold. Jackie Gayda must have some gold teeth. He can get them while she is sleeping.

Jack Swagger with Matt Striker

In my opinion, Jack Swagger bares a resemblance to Brock Lesnar in wrestling style, charisma and microphone skills. In other words, Jack Swagger has the potential to become a tremendous wrestler in the future, but he desperately needs a mouthpiece in the meantime. I am in favour of letting wrestlers show off their personalities on their own terms, except for young Jackington. He can act cocky. He can smile like a jerk. He can have the ECW Championship fall off his waist during his entrance, but the moment he talks, he loses me. He is the "All-American" American of losing me. Much like a dog who senses a natural disaster approaching the coastline days before it strikes, I change the channel whenever Jack Swagger is about to speak into the microphone. Even though I have no problem with his lisp, his words are never convincing. I am beginning to think that he is the "Some-American" American. Some is less is all. At least, that's what he says. I am not convinced.

Matt Striker is doing a wonderful job as the colour commentator of ECW. His constant praising of Swagger gives me a red, white, and blue idea. If Striker loves him some Swagger, let us put one and one as one. Striker, a former, disgraced, Social Studies teacher, is an eloquent speaker. Therefore, he is the perfect piece for Swagger's mouth. I think it safe to say that I do not want to see Matt Striker's plaid wrestling attire again, so I wouldn't mind it if he became Swagger's manager. After all, Striker successfully managed Big Daddy V, who I affectionately call Large Father Five. Look how he turned out. If he plays his cards as cards should be played (in a card-playing manner), Jack Swagger could turn into the next Big Daddy V. Happy Christmas to everyone.

The Miz with Kevin Federline

Ladies and gentlemen. Get your Brazilian booties on the floor because World Wrestling Entertainment is about to get PopoZão'd for the second time. Many moons ago, this man beat John Cena in the most one-sided match in WWE history. Today, he has come back with a vengeance, teaming up with everyone's favourite professional wrestler and former star of MTV’s The Real World. Hold onto your seats for Kevin Federline is going to be up this piece. The Miz is up this piece as well. The Miz and K-Fed will paint the town green with envy. Holler at your next of kin. Momma didn't raise no fool. I know money-making partnerships when I see it. If you don't remember the time I predicted that WWF's partnership with Shasta McNasty would be off the chain, you better remember it now. The Miz and K-Fed is like that partnership, but much, much better because it doesn't involve Jake Busey.

Putting these two together is like adding delicious chocolate to delicious peanut butter. Soon enough, they will get their hands on John Cena and destroy him, leaving the millions of adoring fans to wallow in their own John Cena merchandise. That John Deere-inspired logo seems out of place, but you know what else will be out of place? John Cena's face when The Miz and Kevin Federline are done with him. A wise man once told me you should always be looking at the rising stars because they'll be the ones that will shine the brightest. That man is now a crazy person in my town, but I am still looking up at those rising stars, waiting for The Miz and Kevin Federline to shine. Somebody get Britney Spears on the phone for this tandem is just like a circus. Uh huh. Lions, tigers, and heaven.

Monday, June 22, 2009

New Wrestling Weapon of Choice: For Kids



I'll pick up the bucks like a dancer in the club.


If I was young, I'd flee this town, I'd bury my dreams underground.


Besides my life coach Dr. Kevin, who recently received an honorary degree from the University of Phoenix, Donald Luscious Trump is my biggest inspiration. Look at Donald's fiery red and orange hair. His hair looks like a piece of shredded wheat, cut horizontally in half in order to fit onto his head. Look at his gorgeous buildings and casinos in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Most of all, look at Donald Trump. Years ago, I wanted you to look at Rob Conway, but now that he is gone, please turn your attention to "The Donald." He is not wearing a sequined, limousine driver's cap. He is wearing a sequined cap of success.

Last week, Vince McMahon shocked the wrestling world with the announcement that Donald Trump was the new owner of RAW. I did not know that you could buy and own a single brand, nor was I aware of Vince's money troubles. So, I am glad that Donald Trump was kind enough to solve McMahon's problems. Donald is cool like that. I would introduce him to you, but I have never met the man. Even though I feel close to him, I prefer to admire him from afar. One day, our minds shall meet. This meeting will result in the end of time. Mark June 27, 2020 on your future calendars. Don't bother with that 2012 date. Those guys are wrong. I am right.

I can't wait to see Trump's improvements to Monday Night RAW. I can only hope that his changes will turn World Wrestling Entertainment back into the worldwide leader of sports entertainment that it is supposed to be. As I refer to the worldwide standings, WWE is tied for 11th. Once again, I would try to get them to listen to my advice, but they don't listen. They just go on about their business with their fingers in their ears. They don't have to push in those ear plugs that hard. I get the message. I'm not wanted. Too bad for them.

Now that Trump is in charge of WWE's flagship show, wrestling fans are in for the treatiest of treats. Get ready to get paid because Donald Trump is all about the money. As his entrance theme goes... money, money, money, money. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. Money, money, money, money, money. Money, money, money. Donald Trump's entrance theme is right: gang violence needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. Gang violence is fired.

Marble Wrestling Ropes

From my personal experiences with ropes, running against them in and out of a wrestling ring can be tough. If I had a dollar for every time I hurt myself with a set of ropes, I would have zero dollars because employers do not hand out money for that type of extracurricular activity. Whatever the case may be, I look forward to Donald Trump's return to World Wrestling Entertainment because he can make anything classy. If I or an actual professional wrestler is to bounce off wrestling ropes, why not make those ropes out of marble? Of course, colliding into a set of marble wrestling ropes could result in a serious injury, but man will we look classy doing it. The people watching at home will cringe at the sight of the collision, but they will also say, "Did I just visit a room with an abundance of students? Because that right there was full class."

Back in World Championship Wrestling, they didn't mind using steel cables to serve as their ropes. Therefore, Trump's WWE might as well construct their ropes out of marble pillars. Believe you me, myself, and I when I stress that steel cables and marble are one in the same. Do tell me with a straight, homosexual, or metrosexual face that one material is better or worse than the other because you would be wrong on all accounts. Both materials are death to your back. but at least you can show off that marble to your friends. Go ahead. Invite your friends and family over and wait for their reaction when you show them your fine pillars made out of steel cables. At best, they will be unimpressed. Steel cables don't go with your Far East home decor. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Lemonade Stand Wars

As most of you know, NBC has discovered a goldmine within a sea of gold-regurgitating rainbows with The Apprentice. To be honest, Donald Trump doesn't need World Wrestling Entertainment when he has this tremendous cash cow in his milking hands. If anything, Vince McMahon needs Donald Trump. He needs Donald Trump like a cash cow needs udders that produce spare change. Since McMahon is incredibly desperate for ratings and attention, I expect "The Donald" to bring the fast-paced, dramatic action of The Apprentice to RAW. With this addition, Monday Night RAW will become its own reality show. Sixteen professional wrestlers will divide themselves into two teams. Every week, those teams will be given a specific task to complete, such as creating a successful lemonade stand business. The team who wins will receive a great prize (two seconds of eye contact with Donald Trump), while the other team will have to eliminate one of their members in the infamous boardroom.

Today's wrestling fan doesn't care about the Monday Night Wars of the late 90s. At that time, they were close to negative eight years old. On the other hand, little children love lemonade, especially in a glass. Imagine how successful Monday Night RAW will be when Team Venture, led by Randy Orton, and Team Optimistica, led by John Cena, try to sell the most lemonade. Don’t bother presenting interesting angles, compelling characters, and back-and-forth, epic matches. Let's get some lemons up in here. When Donald Trump gives you lemons, you exploit those lemons for profit. When Donald Trump gives you "ade," that's not an actual thing. The next time you see him, ask Donald to give you something that exists.

The Miss WrestleMania Pageant

Apparently, WWE prefers to determine Miss WrestleMania with a battle royal. Although, battle royals don't fly in Donald Trumpland. Donald Trump loves pageants, what with his hands in the production of the Miss Universe Pageant, the Miss USA Pageant, the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the Miss Teen Universe Pageant, the Miss Universe Teen Pageant, the Miss USA Universe Pageant, and the Diamond Dallas Pageant. Naturally, Trump’s next logical step is to turn WWE's successful Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal into a Miss WrestleMania Pageant. Trump’s next illogical step is to get rid of the Miss WrestleMania concept altogether, but he is not stupid. He is Donald Trump. Let him get down with his business.

Like any normal pageant, the Miss WrestleMania Pageant will feature swimsuit, talent, and Q & A portions. Unlike a normal pageant, participants will be allowed to combine two portions into one. Perhaps one lovely lady's swimsuit will be her talent, or some girl will ask and answer a question about her swimsuit. Unfortunately, Donald Trump cannot stop any of these portions from turning into an impromptu battle royal. In my day, swimsuit battle royals were all we had when it came to shamelessly ogling women. Well, we had that and our imagination, but we were happy with them. You should be happy with them, too. Although, I have never seen a Q & A Battle Royal. Sounds hot. Fairly high in temperature, indeed.

Ivanka Trump: WWE Diva

Judging by her surname alone, I guess you will be able to identify Ivanka Trump as the daughter of Sir Donald Trump. For those of you who have seen Ivanka Trump, I bet you wouldn't mind if she stepped inside of an arena near you and became a WWE Diva. In fact, the majority of male wrestling fans would love Ivanka Trump's company. As for me, I encourage Mr. Trump to bring his daughter into the wrestling fold, but not for me. Simply put, Ivanka Trump isn't my type. I predict that Ivanka will be a hit with the WWE audience, but she won’t melt the butter of this guy with the thumbs and the typing fingers. Blonde models who double as businesswomen are plentiful and easy to charm in my area. Last weekend, I charmed five in thirty-three minutes. Consider the idea of “Ivanka Trump: WWE Diva” as my gift to wrestling. I am passing the attractiveness on to you.

As much as I am an admirer of Donald Trump, I am hesitant to acknowledge Ivanka Trump's existence. In the end, she came from his gonads, people. No WWE Diva in the history of WWE Divas can say that they came from the loins of Trump Tower, but maybe that is a good thing. When Ivanka joins WWE, I will be the first to put the WWE Women's Championship around her waist, which will cover up the Divas Championship that is already around it. What I will not do is close the deal. You can have her, fans. I'm waiting for an eleven, not a ten who emanates from Trump Grapefruitsville, USA.

The Greatest American Bash

Speaking of Donald Trump's ability to procreate, what in the balls happened to "The Great American" part of The Great American Bash? As a Canadian who lives within a violent sneeze of the American border, I am not offended by the name. After all, the United States of America was founded by great Americans such as that old guy with the fluffy white hair, and that other old guy with the pen. America deserves to pay homage to great people, places, and things. For WWE to drop that Pay-Per-View name for “The Bash” is a gosh darn shame. I am so mad at this move that I will politely write a letter that criticizes their decision, but first, I am going to wait a few weeks. If I still feel the same way a few weeks later, get ready for the bold font, fellows.

Even though World Wrestling Entertainment will not let us celebrate The Great American Bash, Donald Trump has come to the promotion to save the day. Now that he is our saviour, let us celebrate Trump by creating a new June Pay-Per-View in his name entitled "The Greatest American Bash." In my opinion, Donald Trump is the greatest American who ever lived. Forget you, Abraham Lincoln. Move over, Mr. America. Donald Trump has come to the forefront. He's here. He's American. He doesn't like general bashes.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Wrestling Weapon of Choice: Birthright



Lilian Garcia shows me around the magical place known as Montreal, Ontario, Canada.


Tonight's mystery sample is... brown.

Out of that Move

Each year, ten trillion people suffer serious injuries from trademark and or finishing moves. Considering that the world does not hold that many people, the statistic is rather impressive and disturbing. Every time someone I know falls to such wrestling maneuvers, I pray on my knees, hoping that others will not succumb to a similar unfortunate fate. Casual fans think that the majority of devastating finishers occur within the context of a wrestling match, but they are far from correct.

Wrestling moves can happen anywhere to anyone. I bet they're happening in your community at this moment. To illustrate my point, I shall to pick a random situation. Let's say you're a professional wrestler in a wrestling ring. An individual who's a professional wrestler as well executes a professional wrestling move on you. What are you going to do? You can't call the cops because they're too busy being security guards for Randy Orton and Priceless, or Bill Goldberg if we all volunteer to enter a time machine to visit the year 1998. You can't call 9-1-1 because they're up to their ears in phone calls about important things. Some customer at a fast food restaurant does not have enough nuggets in his or her box of nuggets. This news is an outrage. As an average human being, a finisher means doom. I, for one, wish to put an end to these shenanigans.

Wrestling moves hurt. The thought of one gives me fourth-degree burns. Backyard wrestlers know the dangers, what with their experience hitting each other with random objects they found in their garage. I am not a professional wrestler myself, but I have been the victim of many a trademark and finishing move. Last week, I met the Undertaker, or a man who vaguely looked like he could undertake things. As I shook his hand, he climbed up onto a railing, walked around for a minute or so, then took it Old School on my shoulder. Before that happened, I thought the Undertaker-looking guy was taking me for an elevated, scenic tour of the park. When I noticed that I wasn't on the railing with him, I put two and two together. I made five until I recalculated the numbers. On the second try, I got five.

This outbreak of finishers on innocent and guilty people makes me want to quit this gig and follow my dream of becoming the first man to walk on the sun, live on the sun, then force reverse-global-warming to even things out so the sun becomes our second planet Earth. On second thought, I know when wrestling needs me. This time, they need me somewhat. I am here for it somewhat. Let's do or do not do this thing, depending on the weather and temperature.

Get Out of That Pedigree

Hear ye, Hear ye. Hunter Hearst Helmsley is coming for you. Whether he is slowly walking towards you with a sledgehammer in hand, or using an ambulance as his primary source of transportation on the way to your local arena, you cannot hide from Triple H. He is everywhere. He is the Ryan Seacrest of World Wrestling Entertainment. One day, he will try to put you into the patented Pedigree, but do not fret. First of all, do you have your Patented Pedigree Preparedness Kit ready, or did you eat all of the food, drink all of the water, and make the reflective blanket all crinkly, non-reflective, and what not? I hope your answer is the right one.

In order to escape from Triple H's thunderous thighs, you will need to find a set of wrestling ropes. I don't even care if you're nowhere near a wrestling ring at the time. You better find those ropes. If you don't feel like finding a set of wrestling ropes, you better bring your own. When Triple H tries to execute the Pedigree on you, approach those ropes. Walk backwards while in the Pedigree position, if you must. Next, back body drop that man up and over those ropes. Triple H may be The Game, but real life is not a game. Real life doesn't have invisible walls. Trust me. Years and years of watching WWF and WWE television has taught me that attempted Pedigrees next to the ropes are failed Pedigrees. Apparently, snobs from Greenwich are afraid of ropes because they act as a useful yet unstable barrier between themselves and the middle class. Think about it... while you're next to a set of wrestling ropes. Hunter will never suspect what’s about to happen next.

Get Out of That 6-1-9

Whatever you do, try not to find yourself in the Pedigree and Rey Mysterio's 6-1-9 at the same time. With the Pedigree, wrestling ropes can be your best friend for life. Together, you two can watch movies, play video games, and paint each other's manly nails a manly colour, such as fuchsia. With the 6-1-9, those wrestling ropes might as well be the Linda Hogan to your Hulk Hogan. In every Rey Mysterio match, his opponent will always groggily stumble to the ropes, leaving him open for the 6-1-9. In other cases, Rey Mysterio will force his opponent onto the middle rope, thereby paralyzing the man to receive the Booyakaian move at full force. For Rey Mysterio, wrestling ropes act as his magnet. You cannot repel their power.

For the 6-1-9, get as far away from wrestling ropes as humanly possible. Discard any items or gifts that wrestling ropes gave to you in the past. Block wrestling ropes' phone number from your home and cellular devices. If wrestling ropes knock on your front door, turn off your lights and stay close to the ground. You don't want wrestling ropes to know you are home. Due to his diminutive size, Rey Mysterio is a sneaky fellow. He could give you the 6-1-9 at any location at any time of day. For example, he could fly through your window in a dream, then 6-1-9 you while you lean against a set of clouds shaped like wrestling ropes. Once you take wrestling ropes completely out of your life, you will take the 6-1-9 out of your life, too. It’s so hard to say goodbye to two things: yesterday and wrestling ropes.

Get Out of That Codebreaker

When Chris Jericho returned to World Wrestling Entertainment, he came back with a vengeance. Sparkly vests did not get more sparkly than Y2J's vest. People constantly lost their wallets before Jericho's extravagant wallet chain appeared on screen to guide them to a life of responsible wallet ownership. Sadly, the Chris Jericho we knew then is no more. Forget about flashy clothes and accessories. Bring on the business suits, no matter if we are conducting actual business or not. As wrestling fans know, WWE is a classy bunch. Therefore, I applaud Chris Jericho's efforts to represent the company in an honest and open way. Although, he shouldn't be breaking any codes with his current persona. I would suspect code-breaking behaviour from someone geeky like Evan Bourne, or a character actor wearing glasses and a headset from every other action-thriller in movie history, but not Chris Jericho. Not Chris Jericho.

I won't allow today's Jericho to break any codes, let alone your code. As a world-famous professional wrestling analyst and representative of the common man, I understand how hard you worked for that code. You put your code in a bank. If you are an elderly person, you stored the code in your mattress because you think banks are evil. I know you, but Chris Jericho doesn't. He wants to break your code at any cost. Since I am so generous, I will tell you how to avoid the Codebreaker. Whenever you get the chance, change the password to your face. Your code shouldn't be "password," nor should it be the name of your dog (Password the Dog). Believe me when I urge you to add some numbers and random letters in there. Chris Jericho is a super serious wrestler, but he doubles as a face-hacker. If you are not careful, he will shatter your facial bones while calling you a derogatory name from his pocket dictionary. You face will not be strong until it is password strong.

Get Out of That Woman's Special DDT

If I pay a surgeon to surgically add five-hundred fingers to my hand, I can count the number of divas who use the DDT as their finisher on a single hand. Truly, the differences between WWE Diva DDTs are minimal. Am I to believe that Mickie James' DDT is better than Maryse's DDT because Mickie does an awkward yet aggressive shriek beforehand? In turn, am I supposed to be impressed by Maryse's DDT over Mickie James' version because Maryse flips her head back? A DDT is a DDT, ladies. I'm aware of the fact that many of these women are models, but I was raised to treat models as the smartest and most creative people in the world. After all, beauty equals talent and intelligence. They can do better. As an aside, I want to emphasize that my parents raised me right. Thanks for making my face symmetrical, folks of mine.

As a member of the Attractive Legion of North American, I'll let you in on a little secret: the Woman's Special DDT is not as lethal as you think. Of course, the move is successful in a WWE Diva match, but that does not mean it is flawless. If a WWE Diva approaches you in the street and tries to give you the Woman's Special DDT, threaten her by introducing a younger and prettier version of her into the fold. That WWE Diva will be shocked to see her, providing you with an opportunity to escape her tanned and tone death grip. Next, that younger and prettier version of her will put her down with a DDT. Your problem will be solved. That WWE Diva's problem will be created. Oh, reality.

Get Out of That World's Strongest Slam

Sometimes, I go to bed at night by calmly inserting myself between the sheets in a gentle fashion. Now and again, I visit Mr. Sandman by rolling onto the bed from a standing position, then draping the covers over me to create a human burrito. On rare occasions, I opt to sleep with authority. I want to let those bed bugs bite. As I look upon the WWE talent roster, I see no man, woman, or leprechaun-sized man who behaves like a child for some reason who can help me in my quest for a spirited slumber. On second thought, I notice one gentleman. In this world, which is the only world we have, Mark Henry is the strongest gentleman alive . Mark is a power wrestler by day, but serves as a power tucker by night.

Mark has no reason to attack me with his finishing move for I have never been critical of him, nor his ability to store tonnes of water in his beard as if his facial hair was an Egyptian camel’s hump. Unless I say something negative about Tony Atlas' massive sleeveless shirt collection, I don't expect to feel the mat-shattering wrath of the World's Strongest Slam in my lifetime. If you follow my advice, neither will you. How you will make things not painful for yourself? By covering the entire world in comfortable beds. That way, if you find yourself in the clutches of one Mark Henry, the World's Strongest Slam will become a forceful way to put you to bed instead. Please believe me when I claim that you can cover Earth in Sealy Posturepedics; I have no reason to trick you. Eventually, you will run out of beds. Perhaps you will have to blow up an inflatable futon or two. I have a few bean bag chairs that I could lend you. In lieu of a mattress, maybe you will have to carpet parts of the world twice or thrice over in thick but soft carpeting. Nevertheless, CM Punk will be so jealous that Mark Henry put you to sleep first. He'll look like he doesn't bathe more than usual. Punk’s fans tell me that he smells like lilac on a warm summer’s day. I remain skeptical.

Monday, June 08, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 68th

Pen Hog Match
Vickie Guerrero vs. Mrs. Doubtfire

(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag

Went into a two-dollar wig store
Picked the one that screamed out "elderly British whore"
I hope you don't see the chin strap
If you do, turn your attention to my flammable rack
Don't rack 'em

(This, this)
(This, this)
(This, this)

I see you staring at me
This girl who stands up to pee
Forgive me if I can't tuck it all back
I tried to whip in this thing
But the thought of a young Sally Field made me spring

(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag
(This, this) Dude dressed as a lady still looks like a dude in drag

The Question:
Who wins and how?



He's fat.


Bro's a no-no for CoCo?

The Ric Flair Retirement Plan

In the wrestling business, retirement is forever. The word of a retiring wrestler is as concrete as a concrete slab next to another concrete slab on the concrete sidewalk of a concrete jungle. Think about the superstars of yesterday and you will depress yourself with the fact that these legends will never step foot in the ring ever again. Where have all the heroes gone? Well, they're retired. They're back at home in their Texan ranches, chilling with barnyard animals. They're writing books in Long Island, talking one too many times about their crushes on WWE Divas for the benefit of uncomfortable readers. They're living in New Jersey, occasionally willing to show up on television to be hit in the back with cardboard, talk show sets. So far, no wrestling man, woman, or child in the history of the industry has chosen to come back from retirement... until Ric Flair.

The "Nature Boy" is one of a kind. If you don't believe me, just ask David "The Nurture Boy" Flair; he is Ric's son, after all.. Although Ric said goodbye to wrestling at WrestleMania XXIV, he wants more. For one, I am glad that he wishes to return for a genuine purpose. Forget about the money and the fame. Forget about limousines, jet planes, women, and gun-related offspring. The Ric Flair of 2009 is in it because he does not know what else to do with himself. This is a great reason, says I. He already made an effort to start anew. He tried to run a finance company, but then realized that clients would not let him twirl his junk in front of them while he dealt with their money. He attempted to act as the ambassador of World Wrestling Entertainment, but he couldn't do that either without bleeding from some random part of his body. You see, Ric Flair and wrestling go together like peanut butter and a gelatinous, spreadable, jam-like substance. You cannot separate these two for long, so why do it in the first place?

Some fans believe that Ric Flair will tarnish his legacy once he competes in the ring, but I am not one of those fans. At sixty-years-old, Richard is the best sixty-year-old wrestler I know. Go ahead. Look around your neighbourhood. Are you going to find a neighbour that possesses the charisma and ability of a Ric Flair? I've never seen Old Man Jenkins in a sequined, feathered robe. If anything, he just walks around with a regular robe, which is not a cool sight at all. Without Ric Flair on my television, which old guy is worthy enough to be my new favourite? Nobody. Ric Flair is my favourite. He gives elbow drops to his own clothes. He speaks into autobiographies, rather than microphones. You cannot replace him.

When Ric Flair makes his official return to wrestling, every single one of you naysayers will have egg on your face. Surely, you will have enough eggs on your facial area to make several omelettes, as well as a cake or three. In turn, I will laugh from my Throne of Truth, drinking from a large box of right wine. In case you are new to this site, I drink right wine a whole lot. I am drunk on being so right. Since everybody else is so wrong, I have no choice. Extra, extra: Ric Flair is back and better than ever. Do not doubt him for he will show you up. Behold his comeback plan.

Step 1: Retire

This step is done like some sort of eating period during evening hours. Possibly, this step is done like brunch, or the obscure eating period known as linner. Before you come back from retirement, you must retire. The sooner Ric Flair and you readers out there know this fact, the better. In a career threatening match, Shawn Michaels ended the career of one Ric Flair. In response, a crying Ric Flair thanked the fans in Orlando, Florida and those around the world for following him on his professional wrestling journey. Back then, his retirement meant something. Today, let's forget about it. Don't worry, wrestling fans. Ric Flair has many retirements in him. If I had to guess, he has about five to six. From this point forward, four of those retirements will somehow act as a compliment to Triple H.

Step 2: Give Praise Where Praise is or is Not Due

Like always, Flair must exist as a compliment machine. In order to succeed again in WWE, Ric Flair must constantly insist that Hunter Hearst Helmsley is the best wrestler ever. When Hunter is not around to hear him, Ric Flair must claim that Shawn Michaels is the best wrestler ever. If Triple H and Shawn are out getting their hair done/did, Ric Flair must suggest that Batista is the best. Ric Flair must be that guy who says such things to such people who currently hold no power nor influence in the promotion. As long as Ric Flair compliments wrestlers who don't need to be complimented at the expense of other wrestlers, he is ready for a professional wrestling return. Triple H is the best wrestler alive today. Does not compute. System shutdown.

Step 3: Keep Kids in Check

Ric Flair is a tremendous parent, what with his preference to marry young women with whom his children can play. This man is a stylin' and profilin' father. With that said, he isn’t Superman. Recent news reports suggest that Reid Flair, the amateur wrestling phenomenon, likes a certain anti-drug, also known as drugs. As for his daughter Ashley, she can pick boyfriendly fellows like nobody's business. Lastly, David Flair is David Flair. In conclusion, Ric Flair has several items on his personal plate. In my opinion, Ric Flair's children are the children of our future. He must teach them as well as let them lead the way in the best possible fashion. Without them, who will be the next Ric Flair? Who will chop their way towards more chopping? I shudder to think of someone other than a Flair.

Step 4: Love Yourself

My professional wrestling analysis concludes that Ric Flair doesn't love himself enough, which is both ludicrous and ridiculous. Chin and skin up, Mr. Flair. You deserve love, Nature Boy. You deserve love. If I was a legendary, sixteen-time world champion from North Carolina, I would love myself sixteen times in North Carolina. The breakdown is as follows: I would love myself ten times in Raleigh, one time in Greenville, two times in Charlotte, and three times once more in Raleigh. Because Raleigh is the capital of North Carolina, you have to love yourself extra hard in there. If you don't, who will? Winstom-Salem doesn’t give a dang about you. Separately, Winstom dislikes you muchly, whereas Salem remains indifferent to you. In the end, you must be your own lover, Ric. Give yourself a low blow and see what happens.

Step 5: Treat Your Hair

Ric Flair conjures up many adjectives, one of which is slick. A Ric Flair without slicked hair is not Ric Flair to me. Triple H owns every water bottle in North America, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask him to give you some hair-related lubricant, Ric. Flair is not a spring chicken. His fluffy, luscious hair of the 70s and 80s is long gone. Therefore, he must revitalize his look by showing us how thin and stringy his hair has become. Ric Flair's saggy body looks about one-hundred years old. Ric Flair's tired face appears two-hundred years of age. With wet, slicked hair, this Flairian hairdo shaves off at least two or three months from the rest of himself. The WWE youth movement has started. Ric needs to catch up, or he will get left in the youthful dust.

Step 6: Get Shawn Michaels' Blessing

In a corrupt and unjust industry, good people are hard to find. In World Wrestling Entertainment, bad guys and girls rule the ring, but "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels is the shining light. Michaels is a pure and well-mannered being of tremendous faith. To me, he is the Christian equivalent of the Pope Todd Grisham, who teaches us everyday lessons about the main event of life — religion. While Shawn may have put an end to Ric Flair's career, he is willing to forgive and forget. Thus, Ric Flair must take advantage of Shawn Michaels' goodness. First, he must provide a peace offering of Gatorade (Arctic Holy Water flavour) and a cowboy hat. Next, Ric must superkick Shawn Michaels to reverse the retirement spell. In six to eight business weeks, Shawn should give Ric his blessing. Shawn would like to talk to you about Jesus, Ric. Would you like to politely nod and smile for four hours while he speaks? If you want to return, you have no choice but to listen to him.

Step 7: Hold Batista's Hand

Batista is an animal who is powerful enough to unleash the fury on his unsuspecting victims. Furthermore, Batista is an animal who has trouble climbing things. Back in the third grade, Batista furiously shook the jungle gym bars because he did not have the co-ordination nor the will to climb up the ladder and join his friends. Judging from the recent, impromptu cage match between Randy Orton and Ric Flair, Batista's frustration continues. For years, Ric Flair was Batista's mentor. He led him every step of the wrestling way, including turning on him by aligning himself with Triple H during Evolution's breakup. I'm not sure what Batista learned during that time, but it must be something good. Lately, I notice that Batista is not his own man yet. He cannot climb steel cages by himself, which means that Ric must assist him by giving him a push in the right direction. Once Ric Flair serves as Batista's human stair, fans will finally accept “The Animal” with open arms. As for the virgins, they will accept Ric by bleeding for an undisclosed, family-friendly reason. Probably via nosebleeds.

Step 8: Borrow A Few Dollars From Your Nest Egg

Ric Flair is a fighter. He will hold onto his stardom for as long as he can. By now, his knuckles are turning stark white due to his everlasting death grip on his wrestling career. Personally, I don't understand why Ric needs to return. At most, he is a moderate and responsible spender who doesn’t need the big bucks anymore. His Rolex watches are imitation timepieces from Chinatown. His Armani suits are bought third-hand from an upscale Salvation Army on Rodeo Drive. He attracts beautiful women with his glowing personality and soft looks, not with his money. Of course, Ric’s heart wants what it wants. Since I cannot stop the man, I recommend a delicate handling of his life savings. By now, his penny-pinching lifestyle has most likely saved him upwards of ten billion dollars. Every other week, I suggest that he should take out five dollars and treat himself to a Taco Bell meal, or a ripe sack of oranges from a roadside fruit stand. Nothing more, nothing less. Ric has always been a small spender. He should stay one.

Step 9: Figure-Four Leglock Your Opponents in Different Places

According to last week's RAW, the Figure-Four Leglock is devastating in the centre of the ring, but turns into a fatal hold on the RAW announce table. Apparently, tabletops hurt more than wrestling ring canvases. You heard Randy Orton shouting in pain on that desk. "Oh, that move hurts so much when I look at myself in the monitor. I can see my own face. This surface is flexible, yet sturdy. Overall, the experience is quite painful to my eyes and legs." Now that Ric knows that his submission move is effective away from the ring, he must use it elsewhere to succeed as a wrestler in the new WWE. People don't just tap on the mat anymore. Some wrestlers tap in the crowd, while others tap in the backstage area. Internet sources claim that one wrestler tapped to a submission move within the confines of a bouncy castle. Whatever Ric decides to do in competition, he must rely on the Figure-Four Leglock wherever he can execute it. From my view, I bet Ric Flair can make anyone submit in Narnia. Find that gateway to Narnia, Ric. Look in your washer-dryer.

Step 10: Have Fun Out There

Professional wrestling is fun. Not only do you get to travel around the world, you get to almost injure yourself in a severe manner on six out of seven continents. Wrestling is similar to the circus in that performers put on shows for different crowds each night. At the same time, wrestling is different from the circus in that the chance of a lion eating your face off in a wrestling match is fairly slim. I would think that a lion wouldn’t be anywhere near the ring during a wrestling match, but I am not part of WWE. I guess what I'm trying to see is that Ric has nothing to lose with a return to the squared, circular, squared-esque circle. Of course, he could lose your respect, but when did your respect matter? What's less than never? Let's go with that. Ric Flair is about to visit a resort soon. That resort is his last. You don't deserve to tag along.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 67th

Breakfast Neckerchief Match
CM Punk vs. Tony the Tiger

Hey, anthropomorphic tiger with a fashionable neckerchief
We like the moves you do
Hey, anthropomorphic tiger with a fashionable neckerchief
I love those Japanese moves you do

The one and only tiger that eats breakfast and wrestles while wearing a fashionable neckerchief with his name on it for you, despite the fact that fashionable neckerchiefs haven't been in style for a while

So, it's anthropomorphic tigers with fashionable neckerchiefs
They're okay, I guess

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Rest in peace, Mr. Kennedy's dangling microphone.


Forget playing outside with my friends from school. It's Saturday morning, fool.

The XBA Rules

Enos Stanley Kroenke, affectionately known to you and yours as the owner of the Denver Nuggets, will rue the day he slighted Vince McMahon. You see, Vince McMahon is a genius. Bow before him or die. Better yet, please feel free to join the Kiss the Backside of My Pants Club at any time. Not only did Vince bring professional wrestling to an international stage, he created a universe with his bare hands when creating universes with machinery is hard enough. How dare you take WWE and its loving fans out of the Pepsi Center, Kroenke. Vince McMahon and the WWE Universe do not take kindly to NBA organization owners whose real first name rhymes with a male reproductive appendage. Truly, they do not care for any individual whose name rhymes with a sexual body part. Just ask Stagina Williamson.

Vince McMahon got you real good, dude. McMahon, the former, prestigious owner of the prestigious XFL, put you in hypothetical charge of the Xtreme Basketball Association. Oh, no he did not and a bucket of snap. Your XBA will never match up to the XFL. What are you going to do with your league, Kroenke? Have two people sprint to centre court to determine which team gets to shoot first? Put sixty-six-point-six-percent-naked cheerleaders on the sidelines? Stage competitive games featuring talented and highly-skilled players? You must be a plumber, Kroekne, because you be laying pipe dreams. Pipe dreams like what.

When Vince McMahon purchases the Denver Nuggets and the entire NBA with spare change, you shall see the error of your Nugget-y ways. Five years from now, Vince McMahon will create his own Xtreme Basketball Association. That XBA will be far superior to your measly, non-existent league. In fact, you will be so ashamed of your inferior XBA that will lock yourself inside of your arena. In that arena, you shall drink your salty tears and old bottles of Crystal Pepsi as you wonder what could have been if you apologized to the great Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

McMahon's Xtreme Basketball Association will revolutionize basketball. Without question, entertainment basketball will reign supreme for several centuries to come. The object of basketball is to score the most points by the end of the game. In comparison, the object of Xtreme Basketball is to be the most "Xtreme." Vince doesn't care how you do it. He just wants you to get it done. Want to know more about this fantastic league? Read on, best believers.

The XBA Format

Vince McMahon's Xtreme Basketball Association is composed of thirty teams, twenty-six of which hail from America, and four of which call parts of Canada, Italy, Britain, and Japan home. Although, none of the thirty teams are located in Denver, Colorado because Vince McMahon is not petty. He is the opposite of petty. He is not Tom Petty from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Even Vince McMahon’s walls aren’t petty. He is not Lori Petty, co-star of A League of Their Own and star of Tank Girl. His least favourite films are Petty Woman and Petty in Pink He wished Barney Rubble married anyone other than Petty Rubble. Vince McMahon does not act like a baby. If you think so, you are a doodiehead to the utmost degree.

The current league organization divides these thirty teams into two conferences of two divisions. The Eastern Conference features the McMahon Division, which receives most of the television time. This division consists of the New York-New Jersey Vinces, the New Jersey-New York Lindas, the Rhode Island Stephanies, and the Connecticut Fighting Shanes. The Connecticut Fighting Shanes are a terrible team, but they somehow remain in contention each year by wearing wind pants. The Triple H Division features the Chicago Hunters, the Boston Hearsts, the Detroit Helmsleys, the Milwaukee Hs, and Cleveland Triples, the Philadelphia Haitchs, the Miami Games, the Orlando Game-Players, the Washington Time-to-Play-the-Gamers, the Atlanta Pedigrees, the Charlotte Torn Quadriceps, the Toronto WrestleMania Tans, the Indiana Jean-Pauls, the Alabama Mat Monarchs, and the Tennessee Cerebral Volunteers.

The Western Conference features the Everybody Else and the Everyone Else Divisions. Nothing to see there. Move along, please.

The XBA Playing Regulations

Like the NBA, an XBA game is played in four quarters. The first and second quarters are twelve minutes long, but the third and fourth quarters are thirteen minutes long for variety. In high definition, those quarters are fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds long. Overtime periods last for two minutes (the duration of a regular RAW match).

After a one-week break at halftime, both teams must turn on each other in a convincing yet family-friendly fashion. This turn can be done by making one player hide the basketball from his teammates by placing it under his jersey, pretending he is pregnant before handing it over to the other team. Games normally take between two and one-hundred hours, depending upon the success or failure of the basketball pregnancy trick.

The game is controlled by respected WWE officials, made up of Charles "Li'l Naitch" Robinson, the unbiased Gerald Brisco, and a canary in a cage, which will die if the air quality in an XBA game is poor and unfair. If the canary dies, Gerald Brisco will defend it for its affiliation with Vince McMahon and its pivotal role in the Monday Night Wars of the late 90s.

The XBA Structure and Positions

From twelve-player rosters, one team must play five players, while the team other plays six players on the court at one time. This handicap structure stacks up the odds against the first team, but they will gut it out in dramatic fashion anyway because that conclusion makes perfect sense in any sport. Substitutions are welcome because the card is always subject to change, meaning that the XBA can replace one team with a broom if they see fit. A manager, agent, valet, or former WWE Diva Search winner will serve as the coach, who must manage the strategies of his or her squad by trying to look interested in the game. Assistant managers must feign flirtatious interest in the crowd by blowing half-hearted kisses at them.

The XBA uses the same positions as the NBA, except each player receives a foreign, pre-determined object to wield in the game, such as a comically large banana, a unicycle, or an apple of regular size and shape. In the case of a six-player squad, that player must instill doubt in the audience’s minds in regards to which position he will choose. When he finally decides to take a position, his decision must overshadow the entire game, no matter how anti-climatic his choice may be. Once he makes his decision, which many fans will know beforehand via spoilers on the internet, everyone must act surprised as if this is the first time they have heard such a thing. No way. Really? He chose to do that? Oh, it’s on now.

The XBA point guard is the smallest player, but has the biggest heart. He may not have a physical championship belt in his possession, but he is a fighting champion. The job of the point guard is to make up for his teammates’ shortcomings by doing things really fast while wearing colourful clothing. Sometimes, the point guard can double as a weapon if he is strapped to a stretcher board. A shooting guard competes around the perimeter, but does not actively involve himself in the game unless he gets to do his own flashy, signature moves. The small forward is the most aggressive player on the court, driving to the basket by hiring a large, uncoordinated bodyguard to do it for him. An XBA power forward plays and defends close to the basket, cementing his spot so opponents never get the upper hand on him. He can be seen at every XBA Championship Finals game. Lastly, the centre is big. He must have two skillets for hands. Two hot plates for hands are acceptable, but not recommended.

The XBA Equipment

In order to mirror World Wrestling Entertainment, Vince McMahon's XBA employs a squared yet circular basketball and a traditional wrestling ring. Before every RAW and Smackdown, the crew will adorn the aprons with the XBA logo because nobody will suspect a thing. A regulation XBA ring is made of wood, but the kind of wood that is flexible enough to retain the ring's trampoline-like bounce. You're welcome in advance, ignorant, non-wrestling fans. At each corner, a steel basket with a nylon net and a glass backboard will hang twenty feet over the court. Twenty-foot ladders will be legal in a normal XBA game, but twenty-foot, chocolate ladders will be illegal. Climbing apparatuses should not be edible.

A standard XBA uniform consists of a pair of tiny trunks to emphasize a player's expanding gut, or a suit and tie to indicate that the player knows how to steal merchandise off department-store mannequins. For women's teams, players must wear shiny clothes. If a female player does not have the resources or possess the ability to wear shiny clothes, the XBA deems that fact to be unfortunate. Every WWE Diva wears shiny clothes. Look at everybody's shiny pants. Look at their shiny tops. Do you think you're better than them? I can't see my shiny, tight reflection in your normal, tight pants. For shame.

Each uniform, decorated to match the official colours of each team, features a clear and visible number on the front and back. Names on the back of uniforms will be printed in their entirely. If Montel Vontavious Porter was a player in the XBA, he would have to wear three uniforms stitched together in order to display his entire name. Short names will be accompanied by the player's likes, dislikes, shopping lists, measurements, and hopes for the future.

The XBA Fouls

The XBA rules define a foul as any form of physical contact that unfairly impedes an opponent's movement on the court. If you attempt to hit someone on the hand, face, chest, neck, shoulders, legs, backside, front side, fingernail, hair, body hair, feet, shoes, shoelaces, eye, eyebrow, and or eyelash, the game will end in a rain delay. The player who commits the foul must pay one-hundred dollars in fines, then control the weather so that the day upon which the teams will have their rematch turns sunny and comfortably warm. A player who fails to control the weather will be released.

The XBA referee has the right to punish a player or coach who does not take it one day at the time. A player or coach who does not dig deep, give it 110% percent, stay focused, fight tooth and nail, and take it to the other team will face indefinite suspension. If a mascot shows poor sportsmanship, he or she will be eaten by a mascot that is higher on the mascot food chain. For instance, a lion mascot would be eligible to eat a deer mascot, depending upon the deer mascot's sportsmanship during the XBA game.

If a team exceeds six team fouls in a single quarter, a cage shall be lowered over the basketball court to ensure that their opponents get their chance for revenge. There is no way out, unless you count the opening on the top of the cage, or the door leading to the steps that face away from the cage, or the large holes within the cage walls. If a player unsuccessfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he is awarded two chances from the free-throw line in the middle of the court. If a player successfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he is awarded the two points, plus an additional shot from the free-throw line. If Batista unsuccessfully or successfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he will inexplicably gain shot after shot until he gets one. After he does so, he will inexplicably gain shot after shot until he gets another. Next, he will collect more lunchboxes.