tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-339567482024-03-13T14:40:43.058-07:00The Swerved with Stephen Rivera: You Got SwervedStephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.comBlogger397125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-36106675477138480202010-09-27T00:56:00.000-07:002010-09-27T02:39:59.459-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 100th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTe988IPduVddoyxCH0wo1vnigdoo3vAk5LiiZNb9Kn-f4Qvi_qXu1NBp4fe0prt3-6zaDc9_Ba-aBaRlAFuiDlqXoToKJSKrGgF5HWzZdzZYZgiC4zO-XGyplRjMB6h1IOd5C/s1600/jokerlaycool.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5521482793707216898" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTe988IPduVddoyxCH0wo1vnigdoo3vAk5LiiZNb9Kn-f4Qvi_qXu1NBp4fe0prt3-6zaDc9_Ba-aBaRlAFuiDlqXoToKJSKrGgF5HWzZdzZYZgiC4zO-XGyplRjMB6h1IOd5C/s400/jokerlaycool.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>WWE Women's Championship Lumberjill Match<br />Michelle McCool or Layla (c) vs. The Joker</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Vickie fell<br />Kelly smells<br />Kaval rubbed his head<br />Michelle McCool taught in middle school<br />Then woke up in a Deadman's bed<br /><br />Rosa likes rope skipping<br />Tiffany is missing<br />Rookie Divas are chair sitting<br />Layla should do most of the work<br />Since her partner can't control her kicking<br /><br />Eve gets krunky<br />Natalya is stumpy<br />Maryse's stock falls like Humpty Dumpty<br />Do you know how I got these scars?<br />Excessive smiling did this to me</i><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b></center></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:0;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:0;"></span></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-77051611818068356572010-09-27T00:41:00.000-07:002010-09-27T00:41:00.335-07:004<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEindyuD7xokrW3J58YA3jeAxTfsgT1MRFrb455vVfnmOUu83t_EW7ZP7Nuw9XIvrDqUmVnmnE_91qA30MUo0B8B67TrzWypWIemBQMRecC4egod8ZNNO7wwOgmvXpKuWAx_Y5Ie/s1600/4.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 333px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5521471932712572178" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEindyuD7xokrW3J58YA3jeAxTfsgT1MRFrb455vVfnmOUu83t_EW7ZP7Nuw9XIvrDqUmVnmnE_91qA30MUo0B8B67TrzWypWIemBQMRecC4egod8ZNNO7wwOgmvXpKuWAx_Y5Ie/s400/4.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Hello, Swerved Nation. On the four-year anniversary of this blog, I bet you are wondering why you are reading these words, rather than watching strippers jump out of a cake. The answer is simple. For one, I do not appreciate strippers who are eager to ruin celebratory food. For two, I am afraid that this may not be the best time for an adult celebration. As the hilarious and informative memories come flooding back into your mind, hold onto them as if they were your children or most prized possessions. If you believe your children are your most prized possessions, that's fine. Whatever. I'm not here to judge. Let those memories tide you over as I embark on a new adventure. I have agreed to become a missionary.<br /><br />When the Professional Wrestling Missionary Organization offered this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to me, I was thrilled. If you turn on the right kind of news, you will see men and women from all parts of the world, struggling to live happy and healthy lives. Originally, I thought my job was to teach clueless but eager lovers from Third World countries how to properly chain wrestling moves together until they ended up in the missionary position. Even though that is not my actual goal, I aim to impart the rest of my knowledge to them. First, I must consult my library of wrestling encyclopedias to uncover an aspect of the business that does not involve getting it on, but that shouldn't take long. I don't think those sections contain pictures.<br /><br />In the event I do not make it back to this glorious sanctuary, I urge you to celebrate the four-year milestone on my behalf. Pin the tail to the donkey part of your choice. Spend as many seconds in the heavenly closet as you want. Do not let the DJ tell you when to throw your hands up in the air and shake it like a Shake Weight. Once the party dies down, all I ask is that you take care of my to-do list. As you can tell from this mighty list, I have many responsibilities. While I do not expect you to accomplish twenty tasks out of twenty, I believe in you. You are capable of knocking off a quarter of them (at the most).<br /><br />Whatever happens, remember that The Swerved was the place we made together so that we could swerve one another. The most important part of my life was the time that I swerved with you. That's why all of us are here. Nobody swerves alone. I swerved you and you swerved me. Swervedspeed, my people.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">1)</span> Please take care of Kaitlyn for me. Since last week's episode of NXT, she has been recovering from Michelle McCool's kick of jealousy and hatred at my palatial estate. I know she appeared on SmackDown three days later showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but trust me. She was hurting on the inside. To pick up her spirits, I have let Kaitlyn give me several wedgies. I told her that each wedgie was stronger than the last, but that is a lie. The kick has weakened her, leaving my undergarments loosely wedged up my buttocks. It's not even bunching. I'm not sure how to break it to her.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">2)</span> Please urge R-Truth to stop telling people how to live their lives. At first, R-Truth only wanted know how and what we were doing with our ourselves. Now, he is forcing us to "knuckle up" and "get krunk." You are asking wrestling fans to engage in two physical activities — one of which involves acquiring an intangible item. I did not see either activity mentioned in the TV Guide summary for Friday Night SmackDown. Besides, Eve is already following your instructions. Why are you so demanding, Ron Killings? What is up with you?<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">3)</span> Please tell Aladdin that is he is not alone anymore. The Undertaker's urn has returned. As of this moment, there are now two men who get ahead in life with the help of a mystical, golden container. Aladdin does not have to settle for Jasmine. Finally, he can date a woman who doesn't look like she could be his cousin or sister.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">4)</span> Please keep John Cena from using the dropkick ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment cannot afford to lose its top star to such a high risk, death-defying move. If he does the collar-and-elbow tie-up, hold him down until he learns how to cool those jets. Ground that purple and yellow, aerodynamic wonder.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">5)</span> Please instruct motorcycle helmet manufacturers to increase the density and thickness of their products. Lacey Von Erich has immediately recovered from helmet-assisted blows to the head long enough. Perhaps they should start modelling their helmets after the contents and shape of her sturdy cranium.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">6)</span> Please ask Vickie Guerrero about in-ring and out-of-ring boyfriends. I was under the impression that WWE romances weren't location specific. In particular, I want to know what happens if a woman's in-ring boyfriend makes it to the ropes at any point in the relationship. Is that relationship over, or does it continue until the counsellor can determine the winner?<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">7)</span> Please tell TNA that lesbians are not always the answer. Disingenuous displays of girl-on-girl affection are capable of enlivening the following events: tractor pulls, taco restaurant grand openings, crew cut competitions, t.A.T.u. concerts, impromptu pillow fights, planned pillow fights, and slack fittings. Let it be known that I did not mention that these displays increase ratings or interest in a weekly, confusing wrestling show.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">8)</span> Please bury me in a glass case of cement. Use the fancy kind, not the store-bought brand. I see no blue on my collar. At my hairline, remember to stop pouring the liquid cement. Do not bury me any further or I cannot come back to life via unprecedented coffin resurrection at a later date.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">9)</span> Please congratulate MVP on regaining his sleeves. The VIP Lounge gets chilly in the Fall. I didn't want him to catch a cold. Thanks to sleeves, errbody in the club getting comfy.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">10)</span> Please take that brown suit jacket away from CM Punk. Before he became Batman, I'm pretty sure Bruce Wayne gave him that jacket in confidence. Now, I suspect Punk was warm the whole time. Batman and I are disappointed with his decision to wear the jacket for pleasure <i>and</i> business.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">11)</span> Please thank John Morrison for bringing parkour to WWE television. The stylish traversal of a diverse environment is the perfect way to distract people from the fact that you are an expert on hippopotamus breath. Apparently, you know hippopotamus breath so well that you can compare it to the breaths of other mammals. You could have just walked down that hallway, but no. You must think. The smoky and woody scent of that hippo's mouth air has inspired many an analogy.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">12)</span> Please note that Fourtune is my favourite wrestling stable of the past ten years. Well-dressed men who wear sunglasses indoors, give sexually suggestive shout outs to Matt Hardy with their hands, and don't know how to spell fortune are my kind of people. I'm over Ric Flair, though. Matt Hardy does not find four fingers any more pleasurable than three. I would even dare to say that the addition of the fourth finger would hurt Matt's special area.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">13)</span> Please help Jay Lethal live out better dreams. I don't care how you get it done. Maybe he needs a warmer glass of milk, or a larger number of sheep to count. No normal young man dreams of winning, then losing, then winning the fourth most important championship in the second largest promotion in North America by default. If he wants to dream small, he might as well dream about winning a free scratch ticket made possible by scratching his first ticket.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">14)</span> Please gussy up the Hell in a Cell before the Pay-Per-View. For years, this cell has been unfairly treated, written off as a cesspool of death and destruction. Recently, I purchased floral wallpaper and a matching living room set. All you need to do is buy a 50-inch, high-definition television with surround sound, silk drapes, a miniature refrigerator, and a framed portrait of the family to hang over the mantle. This portrait would feature the Hell in a Cell, the Kennel from Hell, the steel cage, the blue steel cage, and the Punjabi Prison (the black sheep of the family) posing together in knitted Christmas sweaters. Let us turn this hell into a home.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">15)</span> Please interrogate Ricardo Rodriguez. I want to know where he hid the bodies. If he tells you they were in Del Rio's piñata, tie him to the ceiling. Next, smack him across the face with a festive piñata stick until the truth comes out. Those piñatas were intended for fun purposes only.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">16)</span> Please weld two folding chairs together to accommodate Naomi's gargantuan buttocks. Folding chair technology will not improve itself. That way, she will be able to dedicate one seat to each cheek. World Wrestling Entertainment can charge her twice as if she is a fat person required to purchase two seats on an airplane.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">17)</span> Please give my regards to the Knockouts as they attempt to rule the Pay-Per-View world with <i>TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1</i>. All night long, these sexy and sensual bombshells will wear next to nothing while angrily reacting to alarming discoveries. Watch The Beautiful People as they wash their car in skimpy bikinis, then find a parking ticket under the wiper blade of the windshield. Witness Madison Rayne and Tara give each other a sensual and somewhat uncomfortable massage before expressing their outrage at the rising prices of energy and oil. As an added bonus, the newly-acquired Mickie James will perform a striptease at a rally boycotting mediocre country music. <i>TNA Mad Sexy: Volume 1</i> — rage has never been this sexy.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">18)</span> Please postpone my upcoming threesome with Ted DiBiase and Maryse. Your predictions were right. For the past few weeks, I was the one sending them romantic messages via piece of paper and Titantron screen. This might surprise you, but I never had simultaneous relations with a wealthy, second-generation wrestler and a French-Canadian woman before. I can only assume that simultaneous relations with a wealthy, French-Canadian wrestler and a second-generation woman does not compare. I have unchecked the box on my bucket list.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">19)</span> Please thank Cody Rhodes for his informative grooming tips. From this point forward, I have cut my average lap time in half. I do not know why his tips have turned me into a competitive swimmer. Regardless, he should be rest assured that my skin is as smooth and hairless as that of a super-hot baby.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">20)</span> Please tell my son that I want him back, but I still don't know how.<br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-71316583338624016672010-09-20T00:24:00.000-07:002010-09-20T00:24:00.430-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 99th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUXiRVcznf1ixmJMN3ToSLPkE2rlvAXlrMNKcvgLeiYqADDmnIAVME1v9exNec287PP3vn9YtjwP5-m9YQ772VoyLICZkDPkJ4p0FdBLdKRwM-YkwmFcW3pqj2qyrAVNBXIH9c/s1600/kanedayman.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5518799617559175778" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUXiRVcznf1ixmJMN3ToSLPkE2rlvAXlrMNKcvgLeiYqADDmnIAVME1v9exNec287PP3vn9YtjwP5-m9YQ772VoyLICZkDPkJ4p0FdBLdKRwM-YkwmFcW3pqj2qyrAVNBXIH9c/s400/kanedayman.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>World Heavyweight Championship No Holds Barred Match<br />Kane (c) vs. Day Man</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Big Red<br />Got up on the wrong side of the bed<br />Demon with one contact lens<br />You're a master of distant reading as long as you keep your good eye open<br /><br />Big Red, Big Red (uhh ahh ahh)<br />Ran out of towels to cover his bald head (uhh ahh ahh)<br />Magician from the underworld<br />Twenty-minute lighting tricks delight few boys and girls<br /><br />Big Red</i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />Join us as we celebrate The Swerved's fourth anniversary. Would you like to see The Swerved celebrate its fifth, sixth, and eighty-fifth anniversary? Speak now or forever speak later.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />You are like the Rosa Parks of Maxim. Somebody has got to do something. Those were not the 100 Sexiest Women.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-39739114333603749372010-09-20T00:17:00.000-07:002010-09-20T00:17:00.648-07:00ECW Another One Night Stand<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje-eA7TE0ucVtZGyG29Q3irGZg1coNff8aGHK8r2EB9ZJ70fbIt8fOShWNcXrZIJ8pARdIxZyFGrCYFPBHdx8-sYgOsKAquMHt8nRCQfoNGKDBrlQB8X2_4DzcrWABjw6fS_o_/s1600/swervedspecialedition0910.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5518779948858896786" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje-eA7TE0ucVtZGyG29Q3irGZg1coNff8aGHK8r2EB9ZJ70fbIt8fOShWNcXrZIJ8pARdIxZyFGrCYFPBHdx8-sYgOsKAquMHt8nRCQfoNGKDBrlQB8X2_4DzcrWABjw6fS_o_/s400/swervedspecialedition0910.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For the longest while, I thought 2005 was my year. All signs pointed to that period of 365 days as the one that made an international superstar out of yours falsely. Now that I have returned to my vault for this very special edition of <i>The Swerved: Special Edition</i>, I must admit what I was wrong. Kelly Clarkson sang "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You," not me. I was neither Harry Potter, nor his fiery goblet. Worst of all, I did not compete in the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. I’m not Shelton Benjamin. It turns out that 2005 was just a ladder-climbing-heavy year for me. No briefcase was involved. Stairs and I had a falling-out until 2007.<br /><br />When push comes to pull comes to shove, all that I can confirm is that 2005 planted the seeds for the site before you today. Way back in Pioneer Times, I wrote my first professional wrestling article for The Armpit (I originally wanted to write for The Inner Thigh, but we don't get everything we want in life). As other websites deemed my work to be too hot or cold for the Internet, a kind young man with locks of gold thought my stuff was just right. He called himself the Wrestling Professor. For an individual wealthy enough to change his first name to an active verb and his last name to a collegiate occupation, he saw something special in me that nobody else bothered to see: fifty bucks hidden in my wallet. After handing over my amateur gigolo earnings, he gave me my chance to shine.<br /><br />As you join me in this look back at the origins of The Swerved, keep in my mind that I was a different person in 2005. Back then, I thought professional wrestling consisted of two guys competing in tuxedos and white gloves. Whenever one of them was about to go for a move, he would have to sign and submit a series of documents to finalize its execution. In 2010, I have begrudgingly accepted that this entertainment sport is often unprofessional. The men and women of the industry don't tuck in their shirts. Sometimes, they don't even wear shirts.<br /><br />Five years ago, I pictured a future in which the hardcore alumni of Extreme Championship Wrestling could not get enough of reuniting with each other. Five years later, they reunite to survive, destroying all innocent objects in their path. Run, tables, chairs, and households utensils. You are not safe here. The spoons can stay, though. The world needs to enjoy pudding the right way.<br /><br /></span><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****</span></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Due to the success of 2005's One Night Stand, Vince McMahon has called for yet another ECW reunion Pay-Per-View. In place of the invasion storyline that played a significant part in last year's event, Mr. McMahon insisted on the increased participation of World Wrestling Entertainment superstars and personalities for inter-promotional matches and angles. What resulted from this move was a night of surprises, mayhem, and extremeness that wrestling enthusiasts will surely never forget.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">ECW Another One Night Stand sponsored by WWE Films' <i>Oh My!</i> starring Michael Cole<br />Tagline: Extremely Extreme To The Extreme Extremities<br />Live from the Bingo Hall in Bingo Hallington, USA (June 20, 2006)</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(Thanks to Michael Cole's recent transformation into a snide, play-by-play-announcing jerk face, WWE Films/Studios is better off not releasing this hypothetical movie. Hypothetical good for them. If they want to avoid another legendary disaster, I say they should call upon the acting talents of Michael Cole's gong.<br /><br />I have written a screenplay called <i>Gong Baby Gong</i>. The story is about two gongs trying to find the kidnapper of a young gong. Ben Affleck is in talks to direct and bang the gongs. How about it, WWE? I have submitted an e-mail to you that is actually a piece of paper on top of a computer keyboard. Read the screen, but read what is on the keyboard more as that it where I have somehow put the important information.)</span></i><br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 1:<br />Impact Players w/ Dawn Marie and Jason vs. Snitsky and Edge w/ Bacne and Lita</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">This was a very good opener. Crowded chanted, "I completely trust her around my friends and acquaintances," toward Lita. Snitsky got in a lot of Lucha Libre moves on Storm and Credible, including a corkscrew plancha on the Players through a table, three chairs, and the Earth's crust.<br /><br />Finish came when Barry Bonds interfered with a baseball bat — made entirely out of steroids — and struck Credible before Edge got the pin. Lita and Dawn Marie engaged in a catfight, rolling around the ring pretending to be carpets unravelling. Elsewhere, Jason wondered how he was supposed to physically fight back acne. After the match, Matt Hardy ran into the ring, shook Edge's hand, and called him an amazing human being. Fans popped for this big time with high fives and fist pumps all around. Edge said something about him being Money and Lita being the bank that he was in. Matt Hardy shook his head, crossed his arms, and mouthed, "That's my Edge."<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating:***</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(Today, I am glad that Matt Hardy is doing well. You heard me. Matt Hardy is enjoying a happy and healthy lifestyle as I type. Most of you will disagree with me, but I judge a person's well-being by the manner in which he talks about himself in hotels and other public establishments. Matt is doing whatever he needs to do to get wherever he needs to get. In my opinion, the less knowledge you have about your future tasks or locations, the better. For instance, I have no idea where I will be in five minutes. I'm just going to drive my motorized tricycle onto the highway and see what happens. The wind will take me where it may.)</span></i><br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 2:<br />Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Terrible bout with no storyline. Before the match, Raven got on the mic and challenged people in the audience to a $14,000 Raven Symoné Challenge to see who could do the best impression of Olivia from <i>The Cosby Show</i>.<br /><br />Dreamer's new theme ("La La" by Ashlee Simpson) played and he ran around the bingo hall as the crowd sang along word for word. Just as Raven was about to attack Dreamer from behind, Dreamer yelled, "Raven F'n Symone!" to monster cheers and caned Raven in the face with a chopstick. Raven had the crimson mask and looked out of it until he took a vat of Undertaker-flavoured tobacco juice and offered it to Dreamer. Tommy drank the whole thing as a nod to his incredibly successful WWE persona, but it was for naught. Raven low-blowed and pinned him quickly after that. The match lasted 10 seconds, which I will never get back.<br /><br /><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(Besides his current role as TNA's articulate wordsmith, Tommy Dreamer's "Devour Everything in Sight" gimmick was my favourite incarnation of him. During his successful stint in World Wrestling Entertainment, I was quite disappointed that nobody else told or showed me what inedible liquids and solids they could consume. With the intensity of a thousand screaming suns, I said, "Every single one of you should be more like Tommy. I know he drinks Barbasol. If you are a guest in my house, what am I going to serve you? Water? Poison? I only buy those drinks for people I know. Since you won't tell me what you drink, you are no guest of mine.)</span></i><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating:1/2*</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">JBL Promo</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">John "Bradshaw" Layfield came out in a limo with the ECW logo on the sides and a longhorn wrapped in barb wire on the hood. As he stood in the ring for his upcoming battle, every fan in the arena rose to their feet and chanted "J-B-L" for a good hour. Bradshaw was clearly emotional and bowed to the crowd in humble fashion. He talked about how he loved ECW. Although he never worked there, he was a big fan of tables, chairs, and other furniture that have the potential to be utilized as weapons. He gave a shout out to the Blue Meanie and began to do the Meanie dance to an enormous ovation.<br /><br />Later, he commented that he loved his hat and being Republican, but loved Republican hats even more since they never married other hats of the same sex. As he was about to leave, Hardcore Holly walked down to the ring. They both did the Meanie dance to all four sides of the building. It was an excellent segment that should become the staple clip of your wrestling tape library.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 3:<br />Stephanie McMahon vs. Paul Heyman</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">There were tests of strength and breasts vs. baldness at the start of match, followed by exchanges of tilt-a-whirl hurricanranas. Steph put on her ECW beret in the middle of the match and started to do pantomime as Heyman put on a fake moustache and twirled a baguette in his hands. "French stereotypes are accurate representations of the citizens therein," said the crowd, who then drank a spot of tea and put on their gold-rimmed monocles. Heyman busted out the top rope elbow drop and almost won with Sweet Chest Music, but was caught off guard and pinned with the Ponytail Chokeslam onto a steel chair.<br /><br />Both competitors were over huge and congratulated one another at the end of the match. They raised each other's hand and dosey-doed in the ring for a few minutes before pantomiming and twirling bread once more. A very exciting and quickly paced match-up.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(During the Invasion, Stephanie shocked us all by coming down to the ring as the new leader of ECW. At that very instant, I became her biggest fan entirely because of her leather beret. Without question, Stephanie McMahon understands what it takes to be a strong, female authority figure. First and last of all, you need stylish and alternative headwear.<br /><br />You see, a woman wearing a regular wool beret deserves little to no respect. Appearing as though you recently jumped out of Target's Fall catalogue makes you ready to visit a pumpkin patch with your toddlers, not lead a group of co-operative extremists. On the other hand, a woman with a leather beret commands respect. If you are wearing a leather beret, you mean business. In and away from France, you are wearing cow skin to keep the top of your head warm. I am not worthy.)</span></i><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating:***1/2</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 4:<br />Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">RVD and Jerry Lynn died on the way back to their home planet.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating: Zero stars.</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 5:<br />Triple H vs. Joey Styles</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">This match was announced last week when Joey Styles ran down to the ring and attacked Triple H with leftover coin collections unsold from his infomercial.<br /><br />Triple H went retro with his Connecticut Blue Blood attire while Joey Styles wore Henry Godwinn-like overalls. Insane spot in the match occurred when Styles back-body dropped Triple H into a hog pen and we accidentally went back in time.<br /><br />The story of the bout was HHH kept on using the Pedigree but Styles would always kick out of it. Once Joey went to use the Pedigree for himself, Triple H escaped and hit him with the sledgehammer. Hunter proceeded to use the sledgehammer to attack the ring announcer, open a bottle of wine, and cure various diseases. Styles made a babyface comeback to "We Want Fables" chants led by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley. They watched the rest of the match from the entranceway as Styles told Triple H about <i>The Goose With The Golden Egg</i>.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(In this scenario, Joey Styles changed parts of the story to keep Hunter from getting too upset.<br /><br />One day, a countryman and wife came across their goose, who laid a golden egg. Taking the egg home, they discovered that it was real following an intricate, CSI-esque investigation. As the goose continued to lay one golden egg per day, the man and his wife became rather wealthy, selling the eggs for a profit. Believing that the goose housed the greatest and most profitable lump of gold, they chose to kill her. Once they opened up that goose, they found nothing but sons.)</span></i><br /><br />Styles had the visual pin, but Triple H escaped for he prefers stories based on <i>Clifford the Big Red Dog</i>. He ended up hitting the Tripleration H (Pedigree into Piledriver into Co-owner of World Wrestling Entertainment) for the win. Moments later, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and turned on Styles with the 3-D through a 2-D world. They raised Triple H's arms in victory as they changed their names to Bubba H and H-Von Dudley. Of course, this was a great match.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating: ****1/2</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 6:<br />Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">At the start, both legends were almost disqualified when Flair tried to set Foley on fire and throw him through a window. To Flair’s dismay, it turns out that Foley was not a stuntman after all and is actually a semi-retired professional wrestler. Foley and Flair exchanged blows on the top turnbuckle. Mick was pushed off and Flair did the Shooting Star Press to the collective comment, "Gee, by golly that's nifty," by the ECW audience.<br /><br />Foley attempted to backdrop Flair through the table but the Nature Boy held on by complimenting Triple H. Foley spread out thumbtacks as Flair — on the other side of the ring — spread out his robes to create a beautiful tapestry that is most pleasing to the eye. Flair was dropped leg first on the tacks, which somehow made his hair turn from white to red. That’s a great visual no matter how it happens.<br /><br />In turn, Foley was dropped on the robes and sold the impact by taking a nap. Flair applied the Figure Four Leg Lock, but Mick made it to the ropes. Then, Flair chucked milk and cookies toward him, only for Mick to use a can of Ensure and some prunes to successfully put to rest the Nature Boy for the 1-2-3.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(Ric Flair and Mick Foley are two rare and honourable gentlemen who knew when it was time to hang up the boots. By now, I'm sure Mick Foley is relaxing in Long Island, New York, refusing to show love for Louie from <i>DuckTales</i> while talking about his close personal friends (Melina, Melina, Melina, etc). Meanwhile, Ric Flair is in some classy retirement home in North Carolina, not giving elbow drops to suit jackets while a group of well-dressed people encourage him. That is how you retire.<br /><br />Shawn Michaels could learn from them. I've seen you on television, Heartbreak Kid. I was watching past matches with you in them, but I saw you in the present day. That counts more than it doesn't count.)</span></i><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating: **</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Match 7:<br />Taz vs. Roller-coaster Ride</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Taz entered the ring to a disappointing reaction. He took his black towel and used it as a cape, jogging around the ring with his arms straight out à la Superman or a five-year-old child. He thanked ECW for giving him a chance before burying the company, talking about how he was never appreciated and never given the extra Z in his name until he went to WWE. Taz said, "Hell, if I went to WCW, I'd be Tazzz, damnit," to a lot of jeers from the crowd. He added that from now on, the “FTW” initials on his wrist tape stand for “Futons Trump Waterbeds” as only ECW fans enjoy waterbeds. He received a tremendous amount of boos for that comment.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(I’m sorry to say, but I agree with Taz(z)(z) on this one. For the most part, we share the same point of view on most mattress-related comparisons. "That sofa resembles a fat bench." I am with you on that, Taz. "Let the pigeons loose. Yambags." Wait, I thought we were talking about sofas. Keep the pigeons tethered. Also, I do not appreciate yams in any other shape than their natural form.<br /><br />Fans of ECW look like the kind of people who would enjoy sleeping on a bag of water without that water ever touching them. If they are scared of anything, they are afraid of showers and being too sexy for the female eye. Do not look directly at ECW fans, ladies. You will be pregnant with multiples.)</span></i><br /><br />A roller-coaster ride named Goliath walked methodically down the aisle to loud applause. Taz was infuriated by this and tried to enter the ride, but was stopped by none of than Vince McMahon himself for not being tall enough. McMahon attacked Taz with his grapefruits. Goliath won by count out. Eric Bischoff was forced to wear a dress somewhere. This was a match-of-the-year candidate.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating: *****</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Match 8:<br />John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Triple H vs. ECW Alumni</span> </span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The final segment featured JBL and HHH versus the entire ECW roster. The odds were stacked against them, but JBL managed to clothesline everyone with his noble arm as Triple H pedigreed people on top of other people to create an orgy of pain. One of the highlights was Sandman riding a river of beer into the bingo hall, only to be stopped by a debuting Stone Cold Linda McMahon. She drank the entire river, then used a George Foreman Grill to Sandman's forehead. A few Linda Stunners took care of the rest.<br /><br /><i><span style="color:#ffffff;">(Don't let Linda McMahon's mom haircut and Hillary Clinton pants suit fool you. Deep beneath that friendly exterior lies a hellish warrior, ready to win Senate races by awkwardly kicking others in the groin. Question: Does Connecticut require all Senate candidates to take Stone Cold Stunners without prematurely falling to the ground? No? Good. I'm just asking because I saw this one race in Washington State in which this candidate fell upwards. He failed and lost.)</span></i><br /><br />Linda celebrated with JBL and HHH in the middle of that very ring. Next, the three opened up a brewery and drank more beer. Linda yelled, "This is the World Wrestling Entertainment World Order," as she took a can of rainbow spray paint and wrote wweWo on every member of ECW. The fans absolutely loved it.<br /><br />The three hugged at the end of the show to ECW chants. Pyro went off and confetti rained down on the fans. This segment was so great I want to have relations with it to produce little segments of equal enjoyability.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Rating: ******************** stars out of ******</span></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In conclusion, ECW Another One Night Stand was a big success. It had everything you could hope for and then some. This show is exactly why Extreme Championship Wrestling was so popular then and still has admirers today. There is no telling what this historic event means for the future. I don't want to jinx it, but a WCW reunion would be a sight for sore eyes. Bravo to the McMahon family and company for presenting a once-in-twenty-thousand lifetimes Pay-Per-View. Let's see if WWE Vengeance can top this extravaganza.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>WWE Vengeance 2006 Card:</b><br />- Chris Masters vs. Tyson Tomko (WWE TITLE MATCH)<br />- JBL and Triple H vs. The World<br />- Mark Henry vs. Viscera (WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE LADDER MATCH)<br />- Diva Search 2006 Competition: Diva Brain Surgery<br />- Eric Bischoff vs. Stone Cold Linda McMahon<br />- Edge vs. Matt Hardy vs. Oprah<br />- Chavo Guerrero vs. bad gimmicks</span></center><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">(Oprah Winfrey is willing to fight a rock star hobo and a regular hobo, but not me? Watch out, Oprah. Enjoy vacationing in Australia with your army of housewives. If a certain someone pops out of a kangaroo pouch and attacks you with a knife-wielding joey, don't be surprised.)</span><br /></i><i></i>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-29595332055422702102010-09-13T00:49:00.000-07:002010-09-18T22:13:27.813-07:003 Steps to Success: This Old School House<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ZcYhb104ni72qu9qnzFMu79EhbPEwao-GgOTOFLPv3jptu5dmD_phjjHLvoCjvKOvle44hON6wdNhntQyyv1IAaATaPFsy775HXTUUi9o8X3ds_sUntEWOdxv23Du2NJKWU5/s1600/3stepstosuccessthisoldschoolhouse.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515742554086857298" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ZcYhb104ni72qu9qnzFMu79EhbPEwao-GgOTOFLPv3jptu5dmD_phjjHLvoCjvKOvle44hON6wdNhntQyyv1IAaATaPFsy775HXTUUi9o8X3ds_sUntEWOdxv23Du2NJKWU5/s400/3stepstosuccessthisoldschoolhouse.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"><em>NEXT WEEK<br /><br />The Devil picks favourites now? Come on, Devbones. All demons are created equal. I thought you were cool.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />I don't want to be another one, paying for the things I never done.</em></b></center></span></span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-21568767003179371972010-09-13T00:38:00.000-07:002010-09-13T00:38:00.188-07:00Undefined<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX_VcaXSGBvZtky7arD5_kxUYY-8sLUsgr2URQaNfentsHrwWzd_FbbfSCloWuY6mGMYe0vgKk0rcSjmjrewayHbMQe8rPrS78AIC_PXfDYhln_wudcf8kUmBmdj35Xh5h5dU-/s1600/tsundefined.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515731213257168002" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX_VcaXSGBvZtky7arD5_kxUYY-8sLUsgr2URQaNfentsHrwWzd_FbbfSCloWuY6mGMYe0vgKk0rcSjmjrewayHbMQe8rPrS78AIC_PXfDYhln_wudcf8kUmBmdj35Xh5h5dU-/s400/tsundefined.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Last Monday, I heard your laughter directed toward one Alicia Fox. Firing your hate missiles of pompous cynicism, you attacked this innocent woman for confusing one word with another. "She said undefined when she should have said undisputed. I am audibly expressing my amusement with repetitive mouth sounds. I feel empty." Bravo to you, good fellows. I would bow down before you, but I might accidentally breathe on your golden pedestal. As she cried on the inside, I hope you revelled in the moment on the outside. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How do you sleep at night, in the morning, and at noon?<br /><br />For the first time in the history of this site, I must say that I do not think much of you. Besides being a decent human being with a sassy walk, Alicia Fox wasn't wrong in proclaiming herself to be the “undefined champion of Divas.” Just because you never heard the term before does not mean she made it up on the spot. Perhaps you should join your country's Olympic Track & Field team. Why is that, you ask? Because you guys and gals would be perfect for the long jump as you seem to have no problem jumping from one ignorant conclusion to another.<br /><br />If I must clear Alicia's name by defining the undefined Diva, I will make no hesitation to do so. Around the world, young and impressionable girls are at a crossroads, trying to figure out which life path is best for them. For their sake, I hope they embrace the advantages of a life undefined. Once they're old enough, they can spend their days confusing and frustrating those who do not take kindly to alternative ways of speaking. I thought we were living in 2010, not 2009.<br /><br />I have many hats. In addition to being an gifted writer, actor, and dancer, I am a talented defender of WWE Divas. Before I throw down the knowledge, somebody fetch me my Alicia Fox Apologist hat with the fancy feathers.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Show Your Range</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">An undefined Diva is capable of showing many emotions. More often than not, these women turn out to be successful and accomplished performers of the stage and screen. Around town, they can be seen with their heart on their sleeve, made possible by a strenuous, twelve-hour operation. First, a surgeon removes the Diva's heart from her chest. After the heart is separated from her body, a group of seamstresses stitch the heart onto the sleeve of her garment of choice. When the heart and sleeve are one, the Diva is free to wear said piece of clothing anywhere she may roam.<br /><br />In World Wrestling Entertainment, Melina is one of the only individuals who has undergone this painful yet beneficial procedure. The following chart shows that the current WWE Divas' Champion never hides her feelings, opening up to a world that is often kind, but always cruel. If you are a female who does not boast a symmetrical face of stone, you are likely an undefined champion of Divas.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-6XuZYU7cYiQKN7pWCaX0tYeb-d4qxdhGpSFSU7Sfe4bZnXsbvq6z8ac0lfNoC-xkIalpjTYvpxnLdikYniry4g9aM8TWrjKGGjQpodj3fOhIZApCoAQPidXLONeEO93AVK9W/s1600/tsundefined1.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515730800791218354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-6XuZYU7cYiQKN7pWCaX0tYeb-d4qxdhGpSFSU7Sfe4bZnXsbvq6z8ac0lfNoC-xkIalpjTYvpxnLdikYniry4g9aM8TWrjKGGjQpodj3fOhIZApCoAQPidXLONeEO93AVK9W/s400/tsundefined1.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Begin and Maintain A Vague Relationship With The Big Show</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Big Show — The World's Largest Athlete (If You Don't Consider The Great Khali To Be An Athlete) — has befriended such lovely ladies as Joy Giovanni and Kelly Kelly. In both instances, wrestling fans have no clue how those friendships happened, nor what they entail. One moment, Joy Giovanni is standing there without a friend (special or not). The next moment, she is vaguely palling around with The Big Show while occasionally being trapped in limousine trunks. In the case of Kelly Kelly, I guess her friendship with Show started out of her enjoyment for sitting on shoulders while questioning the comedy of others. When our family band was still together and touring, Kelly used to sit on my shoulder until it got tired. If Kelly learned how to play any instrument other than the tambourine, maybe we could schedule a reunion tour.<br /><br />With or without explanation, an undefined Diva is not afraid to befriend The Big Show. This lack of fear is due to the fact that she does not know when that friendship will begin, nor what will it take to maintain it. One day, The Big Show will show up to your house and start playing with your Legos. If you let him, you will soon find comfort in your undefined skin.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGy-_CdtGe7diYSBcvrb3GDBhJHNIk6dYLLz7YVAO2jFIPz2iVRDLMjOMzDYSw6ZsxtgF4mwIIMuIe5Zh440DTHH7INvobbA2oytMY_VuQOs2GrEvzZbNbDE_TSYL0LuQOqJxO/s1600/tsundefined2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515730601417476754" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGy-_CdtGe7diYSBcvrb3GDBhJHNIk6dYLLz7YVAO2jFIPz2iVRDLMjOMzDYSw6ZsxtgF4mwIIMuIe5Zh440DTHH7INvobbA2oytMY_VuQOs2GrEvzZbNbDE_TSYL0LuQOqJxO/s400/tsundefined2.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Know The Consequences Of Your Actions</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The carefree lifestyle of a WWE performer affects Divas in different ways. For some, the freedom of travelling the globe in skimpy and glamourous clothing is a welcome break from everyday adulthood. For others, a life of luxury and zero responsibility leads to their ultimate downfall. In the event that you acquire a championship title, think before you act. The last thing you want to do is make a choice that you will regret, such as splitting the championship in half with your Best Friend Forever.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwy-mM9CgJoT2ZQzkauflLitxCnyHVwFhRyHC6C-NvB_Z56eJvlvd3MiiN8bXvJLlpvb00sjVRgMowprlNQn2A97lKtVPCDoLdtruPFXPCAQh69f2iPL5IB8N_UB30tW46mClA/s1600/tsundefined3.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515730450288321122" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwy-mM9CgJoT2ZQzkauflLitxCnyHVwFhRyHC6C-NvB_Z56eJvlvd3MiiN8bXvJLlpvb00sjVRgMowprlNQn2A97lKtVPCDoLdtruPFXPCAQh69f2iPL5IB8N_UB30tW46mClA/s400/tsundefined3.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The differences between Divas with whole and partial WWE Women's Championship titles are staggering. Random studies that you can find at your local library show that WWE Divas with whole championships are 80% less susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Another study in the November 2008 issue of the Boston Medical Pop-Up Journal claims that the jagged end of real and replica WWE Women's Championship title pieces caused over 2,000 fatal eye injuries to children and animals under six years of age. No matter which version of the title you hold, an undefined Diva is already aware of these advantages and disadvantages.<br /><br />Your parents and teachers told you about the dangers of splitting championship titles in half. While a number of you took that advice to heart, a few of you didn't bother to listen. At the time, you thought nobody would get hurt, but the five minutes of fun you had ended up creating a lifetime of regret. Now, you must look after your broken title piece like a newborn babe. In addition to ruining a perfectly good belt, you've brought great responsibility upon yourself. How are you going to pay for your broken title's education?<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Scream Like You Mean It</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">An undefined Diva must be capable of accentuating her moves — wrestling-related or otherwise. That does not mean you have to dip your naked self in gold or rent a smoke machine that gives off too much or not enough smoke. The moment you wish to express that you are executing or receiving a move in a violent fashion, transform into almost every other WWE Diva. Next, scream as if you are being groped by a sketchy stranger with brute strength. I am not an undefined Diva for I am somewhat of a man, but let me tell you that I have a hoot and a half, screaming while participating in various activities. Yesterday, I screamed before depositing money in my Swiss bank account. That added up to be a lot of screaming during the eight-hour-long flight from Canada to Switzerland.<br /><br />Once more, I must give it up to Melina. She is one of those rare Divas who has mastered the screech. Now that I think about it, you might as well scrap everything I told you earlier in favour of copying Melina. As she teaches you how to scream, she may give a bonus lesson in executing flashy moves in inappropriate situations. If your opponent is in position for one move, do something that is in no way related to that body position. Have fun with it. Your opponent won't mind.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">"Dance" (Unless You Are Kaitlyn)</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">You can't see me, but I am currently judging your method of dance through the computer screen. I detect that you are attempting to wiggle then drop your posterior as if it is hot in temperature (Celsius). Those of you with a partner appear to be engaging in a slow to medium-speed dance to a romantic rap beat. I conclude that these dance styles have one thing in common: they are the befitting dances of an undefined Diva. Remembers those formative years you spent in tap, jazz, and ballroom dance competitions? If you do, get out of my face, people who are nowhere near my face. Get out of my face from a greater distance. All you adequate dancers can leave, except Kaitlyn. She can do the robot.<br /><br />Any respectful gentlemen should treat every woman like a rose, but I cannot help myself. Once Kaitlyn did the robot, I had a vivid vision that she would become the mother of 89 of my 97 future children. Several years ago, my mother won my father's heart via robot dance. At first, my father was attracted to her because he thought she was an actual robot who enjoyed dancing despite her limited mobility. When she proved she was human five years later, my father was disappointed yet still impressed. Today, I am in his shoes. Because you are not in Kaitlyn's shoes, I recommend that you perfect the dance of the undefined Diva.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Undefined Diva</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Do you show any or all qualities associated with an undefined Diva? Assuming that you do, The Swerved's team of artists have come up with an accurate graphical representation of your appearance:<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik5Hj1TQCSzKuPqeMAH_H3tbs1TWhhg2eYGasxMFNeNi9n6v45RStqYunU_ymSUSS_L8xLQIjK-CCkJjioTdCuKuqXULQSt9yrtO8i7-_kAIrmGhwsw0Kh1oQHa584QDBeiSkH/s1600/tsundefined4.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515730331943437634" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik5Hj1TQCSzKuPqeMAH_H3tbs1TWhhg2eYGasxMFNeNi9n6v45RStqYunU_ymSUSS_L8xLQIjK-CCkJjioTdCuKuqXULQSt9yrtO8i7-_kAIrmGhwsw0Kh1oQHa584QDBeiSkH/s400/tsundefined4.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Best of luck to you on your quest to undefined greatness.<br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-84774521530722159342010-09-06T00:32:00.000-07:002010-09-06T00:32:00.353-07:003 Steps to Success: Fudge Cluster<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcjTjR3vqvttSSwEDNzWj7wC2lr1ASZ8ZJzJY7QFrq-WJMQwQk0a1ZLBNqgPTK7shLmsS-DRXi3rHUKKjOFa81CP6RpBMkkjtNp2LlbYhsR7mJ97_WcSW33AC4iZPaqf9vF0IC/s1600/3stepstosuccessfudgecluster.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513650721981554066" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcjTjR3vqvttSSwEDNzWj7wC2lr1ASZ8ZJzJY7QFrq-WJMQwQk0a1ZLBNqgPTK7shLmsS-DRXi3rHUKKjOFa81CP6RpBMkkjtNp2LlbYhsR7mJ97_WcSW33AC4iZPaqf9vF0IC/s400/3stepstosuccessfudgecluster.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />Starting this moment... from now... from this moment on... this will be the moment... starting now... of the genesis... of starting moments.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />It's too late to change your mind. You let laws be your guide.</span></i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-83981825725890154692010-09-06T00:21:00.000-07:002010-09-25T17:47:19.678-07:00FemmeXT<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0SH8EXDPLk5pg2V74r9-sLGQTHLikpbn54hWax6KPzXuPD_5h3JVMPMg3sdi4FamlUGKrFNHUpaxUBbcvoZCosS3kwsxWlaP8wj4418V8lsVgWLs-nI3rgsE3G0_16GfvSGw/s1600/tsfemmext.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513640243896264082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0SH8EXDPLk5pg2V74r9-sLGQTHLikpbn54hWax6KPzXuPD_5h3JVMPMg3sdi4FamlUGKrFNHUpaxUBbcvoZCosS3kwsxWlaP8wj4418V8lsVgWLs-nI3rgsE3G0_16GfvSGw/s400/tsfemmext.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The debut of NXT Season 3 is approaching. Do you know where your children are? If so, you better drag them back to the house and park them in front of the television set. Despite Season 2 ending no more than a week ago, a wilder and younger bunch of rookies are ready to show the world what they have to offer: attractive female parts. I am so excited for this all-Diva edition of NXT that I want to run into the ring, try to save a female version of Kaval from a beat down, then easily give up and watch her get pummelled. World Wrestling Entertainment feels the same way, except they want to run onto SyFy, show a 6'9" woman, then hide her in Florida until further notice.<br /><br />This time, let us bid farewell to the Balls Banquet and welcome the Yeast Feast. In what will be a lengthy competition that could last upwards of four weeks, five lovely ladies will fight for the right to be the next WWE Diva. Being a NXT Rookie Diva is not enough for them. They must be smart, sexy, and powerful at the major league level. Although the last two winners of NXT won a shot at a championship title of their choosing, these women know that "WWE Diva" is the only title worth fighting for in the entire company. Championship reigns are fleeting. Bona fide prima donnas last forever.<br /><br />Depending upon your point of view, The Swerved's oddsmakers may or may not have given accurate predictions for the last season of NXT. If you looked directly at the predictions, they missed the mark. If you looked at the predictions from a great distance through a pinhole camera while wearing three pairs of sunglasses, they could never have been more right. For Season 3, my experts have assured me that their predictions are rock solid. Place your bets before the authorities arrive.<br /><br />Can the all-star, NXT Pro cast of Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Goldust, The Bella Twins, and Primo bring their rookies to the promised land? Eight out of ten innovative comediennes tell me that Goldust and Primo will be unable to find the promised land because men never ask for directions. Also, these comediennes insist that dating is difficult and expect other females to agree with their belief. As for me, I want to know what these comediennes are doing in my home. The oddsmakers invited them, didn't they? Well, they're fired.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Choreographed turn to the Internet audience. What's up, Swerved Nation? It's me — Stephen Rivera. I can't wait to talk about Kelly Kelly mentoring Naomi Night on Season 3 of NXT. Kelly's rookie is a girl after my own heart. She's fun, sassy, athletic, loves pink high-tops, and can only afford to add purple hair colouring to her bangs. When her stylist tried to add colouring to the rest of the hair, she said, "Not right now. I'm on a purple hair colouring payment plan."<br /><br />Unlike the other Rookie Divas, Naomi claims that her style in the ring is very unique because she is athletic. Oh, finger snaps in a zigzag pattern. For a former Orlando Magic cheerleader on a purple hair colouring payment plan, Naomi sure is cocky/snatchy. What a statement. I am close friends with many former Orlando Magic cheerleaders. Let me tell you that they are synchronized, yet humble.<br /><br />To me, Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly don't seem to have much in common at all, but I will give this pairing the benefit of the doubt. As Naomi brings her “A” game, I expect the other divas to bring their “C” game and show up to this competition greatly unprepared. Most of them will forget their kegs at home.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Odds of Winning: 8:1</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Maxine and Alicia Fox</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Alternating car model pose. Hello, Swerved Nation. It's your favourite inhabitant of the riverbank here — Stephen Rivera. I was not surprised that Alicia Fox was chosen to be the next NXT Pro, but I was surprised that her rookie has "champagne taste with a champagne budget." On top of Season 3 being an all-Diva competition, is WWE running with a funds management theme? Are all Rookie Divas going to tell us how they utilize their monetary assets? If so, I think this season will be a major hit with the kids. First, Naomi is paying for hair colouring through installments. Now, Maxine has dedicated the majority of her income to white sparkling wine to the extent that she does not have enough money to buy actual food. These are relatable stories involving relatable people.<br /><br />According to Michael Cole, Maxine claims that she is well kept, intelligent, manipulative, motivated, and gets what she wants. She believes that men shouldn't pursue her, but men can't resist her. The fact that Maxine is confiding in Cole enough to give him a detailed description of her personality is worrisome. Plus, I doubt Maxine will have the energy to make it to the end of NXT. Champagne doesn't contain any essential nutrients.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Odds of Winning: 100:1</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Aksana and Goldust</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Self-loathing turn to the audience with breathable paint on my face. Hey, nation. This is Stephen Rivera. I have seen Goldust's rookie and she will star in a Shattered Dreams Production of WWE literally shattering her dreams in about two months. And when Goldust is finished with her, she will probably have to move back to Lithuania. I don't know what language they speak in Lithuania, but in North America, we speak North American. Do you speak it, lady?<br /><br />Aksana (Živilė Raudonienė) declares that she is the most pretty girl in NXT, which is a bold statement for a Rookie Diva. Stating you're better looking than four other women is like X-Pac stating that he was one of the brighter stars of X-Factor. Oh, Aksana. Look at her and her medium level of self-esteem. How adorable. In addition to being beautiful and hard working, Aksana mentions that she is <i>very</i> athletic. In a related story, Naomi's game plan is out the window.<br /><br />Personally, I am rooting for Aksana because she wants to show the other girls that they can reach whatever they feel inside. They sure can. That is usually the first thing I tell girls when I meet them.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Odds of Winning: 20:1</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Jamie Keyes and The Bella Twins</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Taking a sick day off from my successful escort business for RAW guest hosts, I gyrate in a seductive fashion. Hey, Swerved Nation. I'm Stephen Rivera, I'm Stephen Rivera, and we're Stephen Rivera. Just like The Bella Twins (if competitive flower wearing counts), their rookie has been competing in sports her whole life. She does look a little familiar, too. She was either the ring announcer for NXT Season 2 or took 4th place at the 2010 Competitive Flower Wearing Championship in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.<br /><br />I think of Jamie Keyes as the pioneer of NXT Season 3, complete with an ultra sexy pioneer dress and matching bonnet. To my knowledge, she is the first rookie to fight for a chance to work for World Wrestling Entertainment while working for World Wrestling Entertainment. Good for her. Apparently, ring announcing has given Jamie the opportunity for the crowd to get to know her. I can see where Jamie is coming from as her job was to introduce everybody but herself.<br /><br />I have high hopes for The Bella Twins and Jamie Keyes. In the end, perhaps Nikki and Brie will be better mentors than Michelle McCool and Layla. After all, they are expanding on a tried and true NXT tradition. They are proof that it takes two women to show one woman how to do one man's job.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Odds of Winning: 4:1</span></b></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">A.J. Lee and Primo</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Vacant Puerto Rican stare with an awkward Puerto Rican smile. Swerved Nation; Stephen Rivera here. I would like to tell you that Primo is a Pro in Season 3 of NXT. It's no surprise to me that WWE chose a guy like him — Mr. High School Facial Hair — to mentor and train A.J. Lee. She is a senorita, a mamacita, a maker of delicious pitas. A.J. has spunk and energy, meaning that she maintains a balanced diet. She does not have three meals of champagne per day. Maxine's nemesis has arrived.<br /><br />A.J. Lee is representing all the nerds out there in the WWE Universe. Before you nerds get all hot and bothered in your undeveloped nether regions, let me clarify that A.J. is not an actual nerd. When she talks about being a nerd, she is referring to my people's definition of a nerd (the hot person's definition). In other words, she is clumsy, forgets where she puts her keys at times, and accidentally watched ten minutes of the first <i>Star Wars</i> prequel while channel surfing on a Sunday evening. Nevertheless, I am confident that you vote for her anyway. Loneliness shall power your right to choose.<br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Odds of Winning: 1:1</b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-16785704267815326142010-08-30T00:50:00.000-07:002010-08-30T00:50:00.348-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 98th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghV0jZzLVqGOtQi0VaW0LWMg-XF6UzWVd7YEuMbQw8b302_SdptMm977fXerXSgbhrXkbCCrXZun-KZOehfaHpCyrgoBg4To-ugvLoreEgJCEdv45RRJFiJH5XbR61YzL_rKAm/s1600/nexussclub7.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510989382850150786" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghV0jZzLVqGOtQi0VaW0LWMg-XF6UzWVd7YEuMbQw8b302_SdptMm977fXerXSgbhrXkbCCrXZun-KZOehfaHpCyrgoBg4To-ugvLoreEgJCEdv45RRJFiJH5XbR61YzL_rKAm/s400/nexussclub7.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>Nexus vs. S Club 7</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Nexus<br />Against us tonight, c'mon yeah<br />Against us tonight, uh huh<br />Everybody against us tonight (against us tonight)<br />C'mon<br /><br />Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)<br />Gonna wear our letter (14th letter of the alphabet)<br />Everybody against us tonight<br />Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)<br />Gonna rely on one guy<br />Look like you belong without showing your inexperience<br /><br />Finally Monday night<br />Feeling kinda nervous, wrestling alright<br />Gonna be lifting Mark Henry<br />Gonna suffer clotheslining injuries<br />Hey, face Cena and his nation (Cena and his nation)<br />Win by disqualification (disqualification)<br />No need for Daniel Bryan (Daniel Bryan)<br />But we need to get Darren Young out of here<br /><br />Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)<br />Gonna wear our letter (14th of the alphabet)<br />Everybody against us tonight<br />Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no)<br />Gonna rely on one guy<br />Look like you belong without showing your inexperience</i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />I may be rich, but I'm not Alberto Del Rio rich. I can't afford a Mexican Cody Rhodes. Some people think that I can't afford to not have a Mexican Cody Rhodes either. Therein lies the problem.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Don't turn the lights on 'cause tonight I want to see you in the dark.</i></b></center><br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-41637246921212136282010-08-30T00:41:00.000-07:002010-09-24T21:39:17.837-07:00The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 2)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqQGUiuahyphenhyphen8lSz0mE0SJVIOMUu3gAEyTxcP3uGTNydFeVq-DFMqSTh38K2h7_V6jpN0bkN9XfGpN9S7HK2OC1pJo_qGRTEo-Y85ySLEvA6Sp9lg-_VefmhiZAfJVKvNprQ6fPH/s1600/tsmotionpicturedthemarine2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510955616491872706" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqQGUiuahyphenhyphen8lSz0mE0SJVIOMUu3gAEyTxcP3uGTNydFeVq-DFMqSTh38K2h7_V6jpN0bkN9XfGpN9S7HK2OC1pJo_qGRTEo-Y85ySLEvA6Sp9lg-_VefmhiZAfJVKvNprQ6fPH/s400/tsmotionpicturedthemarine2.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The film industry needs to wise up and take notes. You heard me. I did not stutter through type. The district of Los Angeles, California that specializes in the production and distribution of motion pictures needs to get informed. Using a writing implement such as a pen or dainty feather dipped in ink, it must jot someone else's advice down on a piece of paper, then refer to that written advice in the future when thinking about producing or distributing new motion pictures. You see, three-dimensional movies are the cinematic flavour of the year, month, and day. Moviegoers can only love ogres and dong-eating fish being thrown at them for so long. When they tire of these silly gimmicks, what will Hollywood have left? Nothing, I say. Hollywood will have nothing, unless they follow WWE Studios' game plan.<br /><br />In my humble and correct opinion, WWE Studios has perfected the action movie. All you need is a professional wrestler with no prior acting experience trying to act, a blonde lady who may or may not be Australian being kidnapped by an angry man, and as many explosions and deaths that you can fit in thirty days of filming. Mix those three important elements together and you get a little thing called movie magic. With every release, it’s as if WWE Studios and 20th Century Fox are pulling a rabbit made out of millions of dollars out of a hat, which is made out of billions of dollars.<br /><br />When you can get an actor who was born to play a lead role — like Ted DiBiase playing Joe Linwood in <i>The Marine 2</i> — you have yourself a fine piece of cinematic goodness. On second thought, Randy Orton was originally born to play Joe Linwood, but he was born with a collarbone injury. Regardless, I am excited. If the first part of this movie was any indication, I predict more thrills, spills, chills, kills, krills, and people not named Jill than ever before. I don't know what movies previous generations liked for I am still young and hip, but let me tell you that <i>The Marine 2</i> is not your grandfather and/or father's action movie. For one, this film is in colour. Also, people are talking to each other through the spoken word.<br /><br />Ladies, gentlemen, gentle ladies, and ladylike men; I present to you a straight-to-video film that almost everyone saw. A DVD and Blu-ray combo pack smack dab in the popular titles section. This time, a 90-minute trip to paradise became a mission that only I could handle. It all started when they messed with the wrong professional wrestling analyst. Get ready for the conclusion of <i>The Marine 2</i> starring Ted DiBiase.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Unique Scene Transition 2: Unique Scene Transition Reloaded</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">When you crash your jeep or jeep-like vehicle into a brick wall, what do you do? If you're Joe Linwood accompanied by your mercenary friend, you would leave the jeep, use that newly created hole in the wall as your own personal entrance, and find yourself in a unique scene transition. Forget about saving hostages. A higher power needs to show others that he does not approve of fading to black.<br /><br />In the dining/hostage room, Jango Fett prevents his ninja brother (Jefjare) from stabbing a rich man in the throat. Jefjare Fett thanks his brother by running into the kitchen, kicking pots and pans, and screaming, "I want to kill them all. Ahhhh." Robin looks concerned (as she should be). Robin is never going to take Jefjare's title. Ahhhh.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Tent Fight</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The commander and the diplomatic advisor are arguing about the mercenaries’ double cross. Who’s to blame? I blame their parents. The commander wants the advisor out of the tent, mission, and scene. Like the director, the commander doesn't want to see his face again because it's Jefjare Time.<br /><br />Back in the kitchen, Jefjare throws around condiments and pieces of lettuce until his brother asks him to chill. Jefjare expresses his anger at the marine who killed their men. Supposedly, Robin knows the identity of this marine and starts crying joyful tears. I am equally happy. I cannot wait until John Triton makes his cameo appearance as the only marine who can save her. Joe Linwood is a marine, but can he save people? Nope. He let that kid die at the beginning of the film because he was too busy talking about books.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Four Things You Need To Know</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Joe's mercenary friend wants Joe to know that his group is made up of mercenaries, which is why traitors were able to infiltrate their team. Joe’s mercenary friend is good at explanations. Darren Conner wants Robin to know that he is sorry for treating Joe Linwood like he was Ted DiBiase. As long as they are patient, Jango Fett wants his brother to know that those Westerners will pay for what they have done. Joe's mercenary friend ends Knowledge Corner by handing his gun to Joe, hoping he will deliver his message to Blondie. I did not need to know that last thing, Joe's mercenary friend. I'm sitting with the band right now, watching this movie. Debbie Harry is not pleased. To calm her down, I have asked Debbie to take my gun. She must deliver my message to Papa Roach. How you like that? I saw your CD collection. Don’t lie to me.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">They Done Got Serious</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Jango Fett instructs his ninjas to take Robin and Cynthia away from the group. Fight it, ladies. Do not tell them about this island's proximity to the volcanic corridor. Robin retaliates by kicking at Jango in a way that gives viewers a quick glimpse of her panties. I’m glad this movie had the guts to confirm my suspicion: the majority of females do <i>not</i> go commando in a tense hostage situation.<br /><br />Darren Conner defends Robin, Cynthia, and the rest of the hostages by wrestling one of the ninjas to the ground and putting him in a chokehold (“The Conner Clutch”). The other ninjas release their man by striking Conner in the back with the butt of a machine gun, then kicking him in the gut. Jango points a pistol at him and claims that there will come a time when Darren Conner will be more useful to them dead than alive. By the looks of that chokehold, Conner is pretty useful now. Put him in Florida Championship Wrestling. In a few weeks, introduce him on television as NXT Season 3 Rookie Terwilliger Rosenthal.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Snorkelling Time is Over</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Once again, Joe Linwood returns to the snorkelling shack to ask Church for help. Church grants Joe access to his box of goodies, chock full of item like binoculars and a dirty white object that resembles a seashell ― the ultimate hostage-saving weapon. Hesitant to join Joe on the mission, Church hands over the keys to his boat.<br /><br />As Joe leaves, Church puts on his disappointed-in-himself face. A second later, he finally agrees to join the marine by slightly smiling at him. Church doesn't want to risk his life, but if he has an opportunity to shove Joe overboard, he's going to take it.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Church is a Scaredy Cat</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Church drives Joe to shore, but does not wish to go any further. He says, "Give 'em, hell, marine." Joe runs away from him into the resort caves because Church is the Norman Smiley of rescue missions.<br /><br />Mercenary traitors and ninjas survey the area as Joe moves toward the resort. To show his skills as a marine, he swims in the pool for a minute. Underneath the pool bridge, he gets the attention of one of the guards by splashing in the water. Once the bad guy peeks over the railing, Joe pulls him into pool and stabs him in the heart. To my surprise, the man either does not bleed or bleeds chlorine. He looks like Manny Pacquiao, too. Fight Floyd Mayweather already. Stop dying while cleaning pools.<br /><br />Out of the sight from the other guards, Joe steals some leftover fireworks and approaches the resort entrance. At the makeshift military base, the commander and the diplomatic advisor argue over Joe's involvement in the hostage situation. You can cut the sexual tension with a sexy knife, at least after you splash in the water and pull the tension into the pool.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">United States of Americans</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Returning to the dining/hostage room, Cynthia translates the public address system announcement to her fellow captives. She tells Conner that one man, referred to as "The American," has come to save them. George Clooney's character has travelled from one motion picture to another released one year prior, looking to spare rather than end the lives of people? Good for him. What is "The Marine" going to do, though?<br /><br />Outside, Jango Fett and ninjas watch as the lifeless henchmen's body is taken out of the pool. Jefjare turns away from his brother. To nobody in particular, he vows to take Joe's heart out, most likely killing him. Jango looks at his brother with a confused face. Jango is not sure if serious.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Boyeurism</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A sweaty Joe Linwood refers to the advisor’s blueprints to get a better sense of the resort's layout. Using his binoculars, sweat falls from his chin as he watches Blondie ― who is actually a mercenary traitor and not a popular band from the 1970s ― run to another part of the resort. Blondie is getting Joe mighty hot and bothered. Blondie is his Phoebe Cates.<br /><br />In a laundry room, Blondie and his traitor friend attach bombs to pillars before Joe interferes in their fun. He kicks a laundry hamper into Blondie, throws a knife into the heart of Blondie's traitor friend, then drives a knife further into his heart with a flying kick. Blondie crawls over to his gun, but Joe stops him by grabbing his foot and kicking him in the face. George Clooney is stuck in traffic.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Pleat the Press</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">While another bad guy sets up explosives in the resort caves, Joe manhandles Blondie. He confidently stumbles through his interrogation: "I know you're just in it for the money. Unless you really wanna... die... for the cause, you tell me where they are." After Blondie refuses, Joe grabs his arm and burns the flesh off in an iron press. Finally, Blondie tells him the location before his face gets shoved into the press as well.<br /><br />As he is about to kill Blondie with a gunshot, he avoids Jango Fett's gunfire and takes cover in the boiler room. Jango approaches Blonde and kills him for talking anyway. Jango never trusted Blondie, perhaps because his name was Blondie.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Boiler Room Brawl</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Jango Fett returns to the hostage room to speak with Darren Conner. Using his iPhone, Jango gets Conner to confirm the transfer of the monetary tribute on video. Unfortunately, Jango cuts the video off before Conner can request the hostages’ freedom. Why shouldn't you have it all? You should have it all, but Jango has the latest version of the iPhone. That is why you can't have it all.<br /><br />Hiding behind the strongest pillar in the history of pillars, Joe endures a barrage of bullets until the traitors run out of ammo. A mercenary traitor throws a grenade so softly that Joe is given ample time to roll away from the blast in slow motion.<br /><br />Two traitors ambush Joe. With a forceful punch to Joe's face, they celebrate with a synchronized Power Rangers pose dance. Disgusted by their dance, Joe retaliates by performing an elaborate butt-kicking ballet, highlighted by a Spin-A-Roonie and a three-way drop kick. Joe wins the brawl by kicking one traitor's head through the side of a wooden cabinet before choking the other out with his boot.<br /><br />Whichever traitor did not help the other hurt Joe during that three-way drop kick deserved his demise. He’s like a potato sack race partner who just stands there and allows the other teams to win.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Commander Enunciates</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The commander informs the diplomatic advisor that Jango and his men have agreed to release the hostages, but only to him. He admits that this tactic might be Jango's way of sending a stronger message to the world ― killing a powerful government official in addition to the innocents. Once the advisor agrees to take a chance for the sake of the hostages, the commander admits that he may have misjudged him. At the end of the film, I hope they can finally spend some time together, expressing their love for each other in a secluded part of the resort. Even though they don’t know it yet, they are the Joe and Robin of this island.</span><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghA_7kTH9zLHJyRiqJVrNSMetSQRj9XnCVao5-PIFOPWQjncv1pqWTrV4svg6J7ncBQHOBGu-CNl4XmfpGhEVNiL_shqO92IcjSgQUf5pA-_RsAD-PTZm6rPByzcNDRPxbO2f4/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_5.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510955534782612226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghA_7kTH9zLHJyRiqJVrNSMetSQRj9XnCVao5-PIFOPWQjncv1pqWTrV4svg6J7ncBQHOBGu-CNl4XmfpGhEVNiL_shqO92IcjSgQUf5pA-_RsAD-PTZm6rPByzcNDRPxbO2f4/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_5.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Impromptu Celebration of Light</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Joe distracts the hostage takers by putting on his own fireworks display. From afar, Church watches the show. He curses Joe for either being a hostage-saving genius or wasting perfectly good fireworks.<br /><br />Through the dining room shadows, Joe calls Robin over to him. Obviously, Robin is glad to see him, but Joe doesn't look so thrilled. Give your wife a break, Joe. As a hostage, she doesn't have access to makeup, a bathroom, or mirrors. For a marine, you set mighty high standards for women on the brink of death. While she doesn't look hot right now, at least she's alive. Isn't that enough?<br /><br />The other hostages ask Joe what to do next. In Joe's mind, he wants them to give his wife an extreme makeover. From Joe's mouth, he tells them to run, just like that pansy Church did from anything that scared him.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuNZdzDPlw6LjpZ8sMBd3bjroNzcRlvPvmteb9IJ6KW11uRb3NCNGX2tZGQ40HXjQHTt-lq45uzhMcXFbvxL3S69rfEWrbDFEprlcwe2EMY4DMpZlYU5fk-U4JCaMsTR5j6QU1/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_6.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510955470981098098" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuNZdzDPlw6LjpZ8sMBd3bjroNzcRlvPvmteb9IJ6KW11uRb3NCNGX2tZGQ40HXjQHTt-lq45uzhMcXFbvxL3S69rfEWrbDFEprlcwe2EMY4DMpZlYU5fk-U4JCaMsTR5j6QU1/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_6.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Getaway</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Joe points in the general direction of Freedom Town. "Go toward that part with the green things and the no-shooty-shooty people," he says through hand gestures. In an open area, he tells them to get down. Robin, Conner, and the others immediately react by taking cover as if they are performing the off-Broadway, on-cement production of <i>Cats</i>. Hostages; turn your faces to the daylight. Let your marine lead you. Open up, enter in.<br /><br />Suddenly, their performance is halted by a flying ninja, who clocks Joe with a phantom kick to the face. The wind from the kick makes Joe spit out blood or Kool-Aid. Robin tries to tend to her husband, but the flying ninja points a gun at her. Even though Joe knew these hostages were thirsty, he did not offer them his mouthful of tropical punch? Joe Linwood is a piece of work.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Square One</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The journey to Freedom Town ends as the hostages find themselves back in the dining room, cuffed and gagged. As for Joe, he sits in a chair, handcuffed with a long chain that is attached to a ceiling pipe. Joe gets all the perks.<br /><br />To everyone's surprise, the diplomatic advisor unveils himself as the mastermind behind the whole evil plan. The advisor admits that he allowed Conner to bring the Western world and his sweet, sweet Western money to the island, only for Conner to turn the place into his "own private toilet." When Jango Fett proposed to take back the island by force, the advisor let him at it. For Conner's private toilet, this island still looks quite nice. He pisses and poops beautiful things.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdS3JdZOuTLiKOG1ChswYgGmRmg0f20ypfBb0TBRsiFkb_FUmzNqmli2RmWu2WEGt3JBSgEd2jjfS6kn0YDBxYZBfzj9GT6pwjVzXVIU2Tln0-fFTNNZ3jLYoc42Gya6PnRtmd/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_7.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510955396601341106" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdS3JdZOuTLiKOG1ChswYgGmRmg0f20ypfBb0TBRsiFkb_FUmzNqmli2RmWu2WEGt3JBSgEd2jjfS6kn0YDBxYZBfzj9GT6pwjVzXVIU2Tln0-fFTNNZ3jLYoc42Gya6PnRtmd/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_7.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Jango's Day In</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The diplomatic advisor continues his marathon of informative exposition by admitting that he let the mercenaries die to scare off the military. During his entire speech, I was waiting for him to talk about how he tried and failed to grow decent facial hair, but he never did.<br /><br />Accompanied by his brother Jefjare, Jango Fett announces that they have received the tribute. He assures the advisor that he will get a bonus in addition to his share of the money. That bonus turns out to be a ten-second bomb, which Jeffare hangs off the advisor's neck. Jango shoves the advisor out of the building and lets him explode. Cool Jango Fetts, Jefjare Fetts, ninjas, mercenary traitors, marines, and hostages don't look at explosions.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Heart to Heart</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The henchmen lead the hostages ― who are now equipped with bombs ― out of the building, which gives him and his brother some private time with Joe. Jango asks Joe if he has ever sacrificed innocents to get the job done. Joe says, "Innocents always die in war, but the goal is to save people, not kill them to win." If I had three extra large shirts, I would put that excellent catchphrase on them. Three large people would have to stand beside each other at all times in order for the catchphrase to make any sense, but that shouldn't be a problem.<br /><br />Jefjare leaves the room with Robin while Jango allows his most menacing ninja to take care of Joe. Evading the ninja's knife, Joe rises to his feet. He elbows and knees the man to the ground. Grabbing the knife, he stabs the menacing ninja through the stomach. Even though the dead ninja has the keys to the handcuffs, Joe is unable to reach him. Eventually, Joe decides to set himself free by pulling his hand through one of the cuffs, then crawling over to the guy to completely uncuff himself. If I were him, I would have hugged the ninja to death for easy access to his keys. I'm just saying.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Payback in the Boiler Room</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Surrounded by hostages tied to pipes and heaters, Joe engages in a fist fight with Jefjare Fett. Outside, Jango uses his walkie-talkie and asks if the hostages are secure. As seen in previous scenes, Jefjare does not bother to respond because he does not know how to properly communicate with people. For a moment, Jefjare gains an advantage over Joe by aggravating his hand injury and holding him at gunpoint. As he is about to pull the trigger, Church kills Jefjare with a bullet from behind. He's not gonna be in <i>The Marine 3</i>.<br /><br />Joe frees the hostages. Church hands him his gun and tells Joe to get Jango. Yet again, Church is too afraid to fight. He emphasizes his wussiness by giving a knife to Darren Conner, who has no military experience at all. I bet Church is afraid to see this movie. If you see him wandering around a Blockbuster with a DVD in hand, he might ask you to watch this film for him. Do not honour his request. He's a big boy. He should learn how to handle big boy films.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Kaboom Pre-Show</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">After failing to receive a walkie-talkie response from Jefjare, Jango instructs his men to kill the hostages. Sensing that his henchmen are cool-looking idiots, Jango triggers the sixty-second explosion countdown via remote to ensure that the job will be done. Meanwhile, Conner and Church guide the others out of the building. To give you an idea of how strong the boiler room explosion could be, each stick of dynamite in the room is labelled with the words, <i>Dynamite: High Explosive</i>.<br /><br />Church finally shows some guts by snapping the neck of an incoming ninja and taking his weapon. Then again, Conner shows the same amount of guts by stabbing the other incoming ninja with a knife. Darren Conner writes books and expels beautiful island accessories from his body. He has no idea how to kill a guy, yet managed to do so in one try. Church rewards Conner by giving him a gun, cutting his killing work down in half. Church is frightened and lazy.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikN7oF1UimeoEWUXJHlBfYfh83oJCDIyr3z4iO5iNre1zvWxY2KoRQOdQivlBWlOWQc0ltYjFsyG2UR3Ul_7LS8NVicjrQRmdOy18kDjyYY78YIAXDoLYNcs06ldji9E1RXYJj/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_8.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5510955330571959986" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikN7oF1UimeoEWUXJHlBfYfh83oJCDIyr3z4iO5iNre1zvWxY2KoRQOdQivlBWlOWQc0ltYjFsyG2UR3Ul_7LS8NVicjrQRmdOy18kDjyYY78YIAXDoLYNcs06ldji9E1RXYJj/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_8.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Kaboom</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The hostages narrowly escape the resort as multiple bombs go off on the premises. A calm and collected Joe avoids additional explosions as if he is taking a quiet jog through the park. As another bomb goes off behind him, he dives into the water without a care in the world, following Jango and his woman into the jungle caves.<br /><br />Jango triggers the countdown on another explosive device, then drags Robin further into the caves. Continuing his jog through the park that is the deadly island resort, Joe unknowingly runs into the explosion. The impact does not kill him, but loosens a bunch of rocks, which fall on top of him. Robin stares at the rubble in disbelief. Styrofoam rocks are the only force in this film that can take down Joe Linwood.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Kaboom Post-Game Show</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Strike what I said earlier from the record of Styrofoam Rocks vs. Motion Picture Marines. Joe Linwood is alive. He rises from the rubble and equips his pistol in search of Jango and Robin.<br /><br />Through the maze of waterfront shacks, Jango tries to ambush Joe. The Second Marine sees him and begins the climactic battle. Jango and Joe wrestle for possession of the gun. Once Jango takes the pistol away from him, he chases Joe through the shacks. Joe avoids him by busting his way through doors and windows, interrupting a children's game of checkers. Next, he passes a wooden roof, knocking down pillars until it collapses behind him. Jango gracefully walks over the roof and chases Joe through the market. Together, Jango and Joe have destroyed weather-shielding structures and competitive youth activities. They are both monsters. Is there no such thing as a hero? I believe there is not.<br /><br />Jango stumbles over a set of crates, allowing Joe to knock the gun out of his hand. Taking their fight to the dock, Joe defends himself from the wrath of Jango's newfound bo staff. Jango proceeds to Darth Maul and Donatello it up until Joe is able to break the staff in half.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Robin's Nest</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Jango and Joe fall off the second level of the dock and violently land on a boat’s floor. Joe hits the hardest, crashing butt-first through the floor. Underneath that floor, Joe lucks out and finds Robin, held captive in a cage. That's one strong, mystery-solving butt. Despite Robin's mouth not moving, she tells him to get her out of there.<br /><br />Sensing Joe's vulnerable state, Jango runs at him. Before he can attack, Joe grabs a spear from underneath the dock and impales Jango through the chest. With one last push, Joe sends Jango crashing into a nearby shack. In the process, a barrel of gasoline falls over, inconveniently leaking flammable liquid everywhere.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Lovin' Interrupted</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The second that Joe frees Robin from the cage, they start making out in celebration of Jango's death. Soon enough, their premature make-out session is halted as Jango revives himself somehow and puts Joe in a sleeper hold. Without moving his mouth, he manages to tell Joe that the tribute will never stop and more Western victims are to come. I think Jango should spend some time with Robin. They have a lot in common. Maybe they can start a book club together. Actually, I take that back. That’s how Joe got into this mess in the first place.<br /><br />Joe does not appreciate the interruption, nor does he appreciate people who are not his wife, speaking without opening their mouths. Joe tosses Jango up and over himself, letting him fall onto a set of uncomfortable boat boxes. While Jango reaches for a flare gun, Joe suggests that he and his wife should leave the boat. Good suggestion because Jango is about to fire a flare gun on a boat that has been coated in gasoline.<br /><br />Joe and Robin escape, dramatically jumping off the boat into the non-exploding waters. They swim back to the dock and embrace. Joe jokes with his wife, saying that he thought <i>his</i> job was dangerous. Robin responds by telling Joe that she loves him. The scene ends before Joe is given a chance to reply. This marriage between Joe and Robin Linwood will not last, what with all the explosions, hostage takings, and one-way declarations of affection.<br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">The Verdict: ***************1/8 out of ***************************13/14<br />Overall, Joe Linwood is better than John Triton. John loved his wife and revived every Southeast Asian child he encountered. You make me sick, John Triton.</b></center><br /><br /><br /></span><br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-64232397033581406442010-08-23T00:50:00.000-07:002010-08-23T00:50:00.282-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 97th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3YazaKJqCrMih5GX6K2Be9PiWgnLmY1pPgfEm3uzWoMkEsOjuzvELjpgecYJUIaULOfFJvUOc1oiulVAgErJBqpeY0lLmzD-fVMk7y6h8QeoefntTN5a3h9V1VOZQFaHMrE9n/s1600/sheamusvoldemort.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508446683777130450" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3YazaKJqCrMih5GX6K2Be9PiWgnLmY1pPgfEm3uzWoMkEsOjuzvELjpgecYJUIaULOfFJvUOc1oiulVAgErJBqpeY0lLmzD-fVMk7y6h8QeoefntTN5a3h9V1VOZQFaHMrE9n/s400/sheamusvoldemort.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>WWE Championship Match<br />Sheamus (c) vs. Lord Voldemort</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>He Who Must Not Be Named is a mystery<br />An evil wizard with surprisingly decent teeth<br />Ralph Fiennes with botched rhinoplasty<br />Young Harry didn't know, what Ralph did to his parents long ago<br />Inhuman men can hurt human feelings<br /><br />They saw the anagram in his name<br />He's so wicked, making kids play word games<br />He made his own version of Yahtzee, but the thrill is not the same<br />He is Lord Voldemort<br />He is Lord Voldemort</i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />The Swerved has mastered hustle, loyalty, and respect, but will need to take a summer course on hinting that other sites prefer to make love to dudes.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Nobody gets what I say. Must be some way to convey, but no one else remembers my name — just those parts that I played.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-29292162007499330812010-08-23T00:42:00.000-07:002010-08-23T00:42:00.188-07:00The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 1)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL3smJ3-WyVw1EG-4B-QShRp3kI2zLq1KhZOuOwaZpHlPNBHo8EKtavIBql0LsCu-r83suAlmJF3F5SlUGGvsx17ZUmNn6I0OcYaMgMicyLM5oyeZwiHa3qE7rJCLYQetohy10/s1600/tsmotionpicturedthemarine2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508415073059347602" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL3smJ3-WyVw1EG-4B-QShRp3kI2zLq1KhZOuOwaZpHlPNBHo8EKtavIBql0LsCu-r83suAlmJF3F5SlUGGvsx17ZUmNn6I0OcYaMgMicyLM5oyeZwiHa3qE7rJCLYQetohy10/s400/tsmotionpicturedthemarine2.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has got it all wrong. They should not go out of their way to nominate movies about bomb squads trying to diffuse deadly bombs in Iraq. They should not blindly applaud films that deal with paraplegic war veterans finding lanky-blue-alien love with sexy female aliens in a foreign world. If a South African government agent becomes an extraterrestrial bug who loves cat food, they should take a moment to think and rethink about their vote. If an old man or George Clooney take to the skies, they should feel free to leave their naked man trophies at home. Surely, they may recognize these films as quality entertainment, but they must refrain from doing so at the expense of one of the best films of our generation.<br /><br />Years from now, who's going to remember Sandra Bullock raising a misguided, football-playing youth as if he were her own misguided, football-playing son? Who's going to press play on their remote and revisit moments based on the novel <i>Push</i> by Sapphire? Will anyone ever be in the mood to watch Brad Pitt mispronounce words in a flick with a misspelled title? Not I. As long as they keep their distance, I consider myself to be a man of the people. For the most part, I like what you like. Therefore, I can safely say that we do not care for any of these so-called cinematic masterpieces.<br /><br />Although I am not a movie critic, I know a triumph of modern cinema when I see one. Without a doubt, <i>The Marine 2</i> starring Ted DiBiase is that triumph. Many critics believe that this movie wasn't good enough for them because it went to straight to DVD and Blu-ray. Well, I believe that <i>The Marine 2</i> was too good for them. They do not deserve to learn how the sequel ties up the loose ends of the original. What do critics know anyway? They may critique films for a living, but they're not the general public. They have no clue what interests us.<br /><br />If movies like <i>The Marine 2</i> are becoming the straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray standard, why should I go the theatre? My home can serve as a cineplex. For <i>The Marine 2</i>, I would even be willing to pay admission to see a film that I previously bought in a store in my own residence. Then again, you don't have to take my word for it. Join me in this two-part look at Ted DiBiase's 2009 acting debut and indirectly witness the greatness for yourself.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Rooftop Book Club</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In the Southeast Asian streets of Southeast Asia, two children start a water gun fight. The young boy grabs a gun that looks like an actual working pistol. In response, the young girl raises up her colourful Super Soaker. Just as she is about to feel the comforting warmth of a supersonic bullet, weak spurts of water emerge from the boy's gun. Water versus water will always be a wash, but the winner of water versus lead has not yet been determined. Water versus lead is like the Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao or Undertaker vs. Sting of children's street games.<br /><br />On the concrete roof of a multiple storey building, Joe Linwood (Ted DiBiase) talks to his black marine friend about their favourite books. “Hell no,” says Black Marine Friend at the possibility of reading books that are not written by Stephen King. Joe was going to give him <i>Big Apple Takedown</i> for his birthday, but forget that now. He'll have to think of something else to get him, such as a Stephen King look-alike jumping out of a cake in a courtroom setting.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Alhad Me At Goodbye</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Upon first sight of a black SUV trailing two pickup trucks, Joe and Black Marine Friend rush to another rooftop with sniper rifles in hand. At Southeast Asian street level, shady-looking men unload a wooden crate from one of the trucks, revealing a machine gun. A man in an oversized leather jacket is displeased. "Why did WWE Studios give me this ill-fitting jacket? Don't they have any money?" he did not say. Skirt-wearing bad man Sanan Alhad comes out of the black SUV to address the unhappy man. "At least you have a jacket. Wardrobe ran out of pants five minutes ago," he may have said.<br /><br />With Alhad in his sights, Joe rubs his fingers together, implying that he is one of those wealthy rooftop snipers. One day, maybe Joe can buy him some pants. After pulling the trigger, a bullet goes through a random bad guy and Sanan.<br /><br />A crazy gunfight ensues. Stray shots from a rocket launcher provide the first of many explosions. Joe and Black Marine Friend take down several bad guys, then hide behind cover. Through the rooftop flames, they notice that the young boy who was playing with water guns is lying unconscious. No, he can't die. We must know if lead can defeat water. Since the boy is bleeding, Joe tries to bring revive him with CPR — the surefire way to close a victim’s potentially fatal wounds. A few seconds later, Black Marine Friend tells Joe that they have to leave. He claims that the child is dead anyway. Joe and I believe him for he read it in a Stephen King novel.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Cleansing</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A distraught Joe washes his hands and face in an outdoor sink. To my knowledge, cleaning yourself cannot bring another human being back to life, but perhaps I shouldn't tell him that in this difficult time.<br /><br />At the U.S. Marine Base, Joe sits down in front of his MacBook and talks to his wife Robin (Lara Cox). Once she finds out that Joe is coming home for a couple of weeks, Robin is ecstatic. "Do you remember me talking about Darren Conner? My super rich client? Owns like a bazillion different businesses — real estate, hotels, and casinos. He is opening a new resort and guess who's in charge of his super-deluxe, invite-only, opening bash?" Tell him already, lady. He doesn't have time to guess. He just let that Southeast Asian kid die.<br /><br />Joe is reluctant to join her as he was looking forward to returning to Michigan. Being an understanding wife, Robin suggests that he skip the trip and come home, but Joe changes his mind. He says that she is his home. Is your home Michigan or your wife? One is a mighty large and spacious state, while the other is a pleasant looking, petite white woman. You are one confusing marine, Joe Linwood. John Triton was never this indecisive.<br /><br />Robin tells Joe that she loves him back, despite Joe never saying that he loved her. Joe is indecisive and his wife is hearing things. They are perfect for each other.<br /></span><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdH1gA4i9ZtFdsDwoRZLQBLAZOyVM5MnKgCYi6z2Y8YaZw9hA_19ey67z9jM_eCvzCDCkRLzTzdbDLaIKzpqhKKWyqJHDbK1AxHvHwxP7EZtXaaO-lkHI3XyOZVMVkVtIsPCXs/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_1.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508414987883414930" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdH1gA4i9ZtFdsDwoRZLQBLAZOyVM5MnKgCYi6z2Y8YaZw9hA_19ey67z9jM_eCvzCDCkRLzTzdbDLaIKzpqhKKWyqJHDbK1AxHvHwxP7EZtXaaO-lkHI3XyOZVMVkVtIsPCXs/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_1.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Unique Scene Transition</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Watch out, Robin. A small charter plane and a scenic island setting are about to crash into your bedroom. Oh wait. We are transitioning from your bedroom to your journey to the resort in an interesting fashion. Good show.<br /><br />Robin asks Joe, "Isn't it beautiful?" Joe agrees, but does not seem convinced. If I were him, I would say, "You have eyes. Determine the beauty of the scenery for yourself. Besides, your definition of beauty may deviate from mine, depending upon the number of beautiful to not beautiful people, places, and things we have seen in our respective lifetimes." On second thought, I would probably say, "Yeah, sure is."<br /><br />Looking out the window, they see the resort, which appears to be in the shape of the Transformers' Decepticons logo. Shockwave is not hospitable. Roll out, you two.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Arrival</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Following a wet and bumpy jeep ride, Mr. and Mrs. Linwood meet Cynthia (an employee of the resort) at the entrance. In her half-British accent, she informs them that their goal is to have the most energy-efficient resort in this part of the world. Apparently, this island rests in close proximity to the volcanic corridor. They have constructed their own geothermal plant allowing them to use heat for power. Twenty-four hour armed guards in the security towers provide top-of-the-line surveillance. Lastly, they are having their opening party here tomorrow night. Thank goodness. Imagine if they were having their opening party in Michigan.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Vacancies</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Do not playfully throw Robin Linwood into the beautiful resort waters. She has to go to a meeting, yet has a moment to discuss Joe's distant demeanour. On his last mission, Joe tells her that he got a closer look than he usually gets. The sight of a boy fishing in the water has made him think about change.<br /><br />Robin insists that she is proud of him, whether he is saving the world or sweeping the floor. For me, I see no difference in either activity as I often sweep floors to save the world. Turned on by his wife's low expectations of him, Joe goes in for some CPR love before Darren Conner (Robert Coleby) interrupts. Conner confuses Joe for a soldier. Robin specifies that he is a marine. I am proud of both Conner and Robin in this scene, whether they are trying to figure out who Joe Linwood is or sweeping the floor.<br /><br />Conner takes her aside, but does a terrible job at doing so as Joe and Conner's lackey can hear their entire conversation. Conner tells her that reporters and Green Peace lawyers are all up in his business. He asks Robin to do her job and handle them, which she gladly agrees to do. Before Robin does her job, I think Conner should do his job and learn how to conduct private conversations.<br /><br />Robin follows Conner and his lackey, but not before telling her husband that she has a surprise for him. If she brings him reporters and Greenpeace lawyers, I rescind my previous comment about being unconditionally proud of her.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Closed Surprise</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Surrounded by caged birds and the restless spirit of the water gun boy, Joe and Robin happily walk through the island village. She puts her hand over his eyes and guides him to a hut with a closed sign hanging over the entrance. The fact that she did not see the closed sign before guiding him to the hut does not bode well for their marriage or future surprises.<br /><br />Inside the hut, a scruffy, cigar-smoking man reads the paper. He assures the couple that the place is closed. Following the rules, Joe and Robin enter the hut anyway. When Robin pleads with the man to let them take a snorkelling tour, the scruffy man gives in to her demands. So, a snorkelling tour is your big surprise, Robin? If you end up with water in your lungs, Joe won't save you. As seen in a previous scene, he prefers alternative life-saving methods. Although CPR would be appropriate for this hypothetical scenario, Joe doesn't play that game. In the event that you drown, Joe will tie a tourniquet around your leg. Good luck.<br /><br />The scruffy man walks up to Joe and finds out that he is a marine. Together, Joe and Church (Michael Rooker) laugh about being military guys. Ha, ha, ha. Military-related memories.</span><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyP0U8orO4CtbzRu-_13gf_u-sv363Mn6TzKJYH0TogsyhFlljCuI4IYL3B3IiB1ibhCr6c-8xClRPzBiChAE1SLM2Nv2Nwx0Dolb5s8Og4T-jCrdzGZOtf4oBDva84Hou5fEs/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508414824509279810" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyP0U8orO4CtbzRu-_13gf_u-sv363Mn6TzKJYH0TogsyhFlljCuI4IYL3B3IiB1ibhCr6c-8xClRPzBiChAE1SLM2Nv2Nwx0Dolb5s8Og4T-jCrdzGZOtf4oBDva84Hou5fEs/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_2.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Snorkelling Time</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">On his janky boat, Church sends the couple to a remote part of the island. As the husband and wife undress, Church shoves Joe overboard and laughs. Oh, the <strike>hilarity</strike> military.<br /><br />With Church out of the picture, Joe and Robin snorkel while holding hands. How adorable of them to show their love for one another at the expense of demonstrating proper swimming techniques. Venturing to the shore, Robin lays on top of him. The waves rush over them as they begin a remote make-out session. By my count, Robin has pinned Joe for at least a 15 count, but I see no referee in sight. Church was right. This place is remote.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Shortcut</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">One moment, Joe and Robin are wandering around the caves of the island, trying to find a route back to the resort. The next moment, they have returned to the resort. Somewhere in those caves, ancient islanders must have drawn Google Maps on the walls to show them where to go.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Pool Partay</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">It's tomorrow night already? I am not even formally dressed yet. For the past several hours, I have been snorkelling, making out with myself, and wandering around caves. My, my, my, Cynthia. Time in this island sure does fly fast. I blame it on that geothermal plant somehow.<br /><br />At this party, you've got it all: jazzy lounge music, people reading <i>Why Shouldn't You Have It All?</i> by Darren Conner, fruit buffets, girls with wine glasses who are struggling to dance, paper lantern lights, and Darren Conner himself interrupting public displays of affection between the male and female lead. Conner explains to Robin that reporters have been pestering him and his lackeys again. Robin is about to get right on that, but Conner mouths off to her.<br /><br />Joe stands up for his wife. Unlike Conner, Joe tells him that he does not pick on women half his size. If Joe or Conner want to raise their self-esteem, I recommend picking on females who are three-fourths to three-and-a-half-fourths their size. They are still smaller than you, but not as defenseless.<br /><br />Robin steps in before Conner and Joe’s confrontation gets out of hand. She informs Conner that opening up to the media will paint him as more than an American outsider with something to hide. After Conner starts to side with her, she adds that he has a speech to give. Joe looks concerned, constipated, angry, sad, confused, or like a man who has recently acquired a lot of money in a storyline.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Church of Church</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">On stage, Robin wishes a good evening to friends, colleagues, and investors, then introduces the partygoers to Darren Conner. Since Joe is not a friend, a colleague, an investor, the chairman of Conner Industries, nor the host of the party, he walks away and undresses. Conner welcomes everyone to the Tangalla Beach Resort — where you never have to ask yourself, "Why Shouldn't I Have It All?" I'm sorry, but I ask that question to myself every day. A trip to Decepticons Island will not put an end to my questioning ways. To show my displeasure for Conner's comment, I will undress, too.<br /><br />Joe wanders over to the shore and stumbles upon a collection of fireworks. Suddenly, Church throws fireworks at him. In response, Joe calls him a "crazy-ass powder monkey." I, for one, am glad that Joe was only talking about crazy-ass power monkeys. If any sane power monkeys heard about his remark, they would be sending letters to this movie right now.<br /><br />While Church prepares for the fireworks show, he has a heartfelt talk with Joe regarding his recent argument with Robin and Conner. If Church was Joe, Church would return to the party and tell Robin how sorry he was. In Church's opinion, the makeup sex would be worth it. On the other hand, Conner does not deserve an apology or makeup sex. He never frolicked in the water or made out with Joe on the shore. Tough luck.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Pretty Colour Parade</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">As Joe is about to return to the party with two cocktails, a huge missile comes in from the shore. At the last second, Joe ducks, letting the missile destroy one of the security towers. In the next scene, Joe better get two more “I’m Sorry” cocktails for that tower. Additional missiles hit the other towers and the general area surrounding the party. Those missiles are destructive, yet considerate. They don't want to kill people. They just want to send a message.<br /><br />Gun-toting ninjas come up to the shore on boats, bombarding the place with bullets. Joe drops the two cocktails in shock, meaning that he will have get six “I’m Sorry” cocktails for his wife, that security tower, and those two broken glasses.<br /><br />Partygoers run for cover, except Robin who stands there for a second and stares at Joe from the second-floor pool area. Seconds later, she screams Joe's name, revealing that her reaction time to traumatic events is quite poor. Joe runs up the walkway and starts roughing up ninjas. In the midst of trying to save the resort and his woman, he turns around, letting a ninja hit him in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Why did he turn around if a ninja was waiting for him, wielding a wine bottle? I will answer you th...<br /><br />Sorry about that. As I was typing, a ninja hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. I would tell you the r...</span><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQIqelGss6NYEN3LJN5qZ4QhLy9BPoR949ZPJhQARnbGxpoh06WVnHS9R0V1F9hu7DUV95vBjjFiAOxZejNAzXQpMAuN6d8ebqB2pGqGVpjH9nDEvvUrO5njef0133t4fgpP8V/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_3.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508414763358480994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQIqelGss6NYEN3LJN5qZ4QhLy9BPoR949ZPJhQARnbGxpoh06WVnHS9R0V1F9hu7DUV95vBjjFiAOxZejNAzXQpMAuN6d8ebqB2pGqGVpjH9nDEvvUrO5njef0133t4fgpP8V/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_3.jpg" /></a><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man (Temuera Morrison as Damo) makes his presence known as the leader of the gun-toting ninjas. He silences a random woman by shoving her into the pool. You know who else likes shoving people into bodies of water? Church does. If that is Church under the mask, I will laugh at first (for I used to be in the military), but then I will be very mad at him. Darren Conner confronts him and asks the masked man his name and purpose for invading the island. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man must have not heard the question because he ends up greeting him. Somebody forgot to drill ear holes in that mask.<br /><br />Joe recovers from the wine bottle shot and grabs a gun from one of the ninjas. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man reacts by taking Conner hostage. This momentary distraction allows a ninja to come into the picture, knock the gun out of Joe's hand, and wrestle him from the second-floor pool area to the grass below.<br /><br />Thankfully, Church shows up and takes Joe away from the commotion. Good on him for not being the villain wearing two types of chocolate on his face. From afar, Robin screams, "No" and "Joe," confirming that she knows how to rhyme in peril. You love rapping when you're curious, but what happens when a group of ninjas start threatening your life?<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Church of Latter Day Abandoners</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A disoriented Joe Linwood wakes up on a cot. The lack of memory foam mattresses on this island disgusts me. With Church looking over him like a homeless angel, Joe realizes that he has been transferred to a makeshift military base.<br /><br />He sprints to a television truck — which is surrounded by soldiers and reporters — to watch an important news update. The video shows the Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas bringing the hostages to their knees. The masked man sends the following message: "For the last century, we have watched helplessly as the disease of the Western world has spread across our islands. Now it is your turn to watch. We will kill all the hostages in 24 hours. If you wish to spare their lives, you must pay tribute." Church defines "tribute" by referring to ransom paid by infidels like himself. I was thinking that they had to form a cover band of gun-toting ninjas, led by a man with a half-white-chocolate, half-milk-chocolate mask. Either way, that's rough.<br /><br />The hostage takers select a balding man out of the group to serve as an example, but the hostage is unwilling to volunteer. Joe Linwood cannot believe what is happening until the ninjas behead the guy. Joe immediately asks Church to help him save his wife and the other hostages, only for Church to walk away from him. Pushing people overboard and laughing about the good old military days is cool, but when it comes time to do something worthwhile, Church is out? This homeless angel is no good.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Room of Those Who Are Slightly Inconvenienced</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas move the hostages to the resort’s dining area. Robin pleads with her hostage takers to take it easy on them as they are willing to do whatever they want. Meanwhile, the hostages want Robin to shut her mouth hole.<br /><br />The leader unmasks and throws Robin to the ground. He is Jango Fett from <i>Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones</i>. How could you, Jango? I know Samuel L. Jackson decapitated you in that movie, but you should not have taken your aggression out on that random hostage's head. That random hostage and his head did nothing to you. Next, Jango’s ninjas unmask to reveal sweaty men of diverse ethnic backgrounds. They are no Jango Fett from <i>Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones</i>. I'll tell you that much.<br /><br />Once they leave the room, Robin answers Conner's question concerning their hostage takers’ identities. She calls them, "separatists, fighting the spread of Western influence on their country." Robin is a little too knowledgeable for my liking. It’s as if she is watching the movie while being kidnapped in the movie. Despite Robin knowing too much, the ninjas return and take Conner away from the group instead. Get Robin, you fools. I bet she knows Jango Fett's sexual history. I bet she is beginning to understand that she in a sham marriage with Ted DiBiase. She has meta-knowledge.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Fancy Presentation Tube</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">At the makeshift military base, a diplomatic advisor strolls in to meet the commander and his soldiers. His fancy cylindrical tube holds blueprints to the resort. Joe Linwood intervenes and wants in on the hostage-saving action. The advisor responds to his request by introducing him to a band of mercenaries, who will serve as reinforcements during the hostage negotiations. The mercenaries want no part of Joe, which is understandable. A man wearing a shirt with perfectly symmetrical sweat stains should not be trusted.<br /><br />Back at the dining area, Conner assures Jango Fett and his henchmen that they will get their money soon enough. Jango is not pleased, but tells his ninjas that his mystery plan is falling into place. Who are these people? The Nexus? Those guys never had a plan. Step one was putting an N on their shirts. Step two was winging it. Step three was considering the possibility of adding a second letter on their shirts. What a crummy plan.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGSZ3gqgI8LawIWocwGUCH3aVRDQy_0-FuxdKLeKF_TcpA30YO4KKHYl-ELPeieBI1l6ddLnESsj700oOyGFJcvKnDz7hcxV7R8OROQamPMYMpYotr89z29FNy8J7b5tjpu8SZ/s1600/tsmopicthemarine2_4.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508414703265298834" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGSZ3gqgI8LawIWocwGUCH3aVRDQy_0-FuxdKLeKF_TcpA30YO4KKHYl-ELPeieBI1l6ddLnESsj700oOyGFJcvKnDz7hcxV7R8OROQamPMYMpYotr89z29FNy8J7b5tjpu8SZ/s400/tsmopicthemarine2_4.jpg" /></a> </div><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Ted Stealthiase</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Joe Linwood creeps through the jungle to follow the mercenaries as they approach hostage headquarters. At first, they are spooked by his presence. In the shadows, Joe resembles a muscly, boring, jungle ghost with minimal, jungle-ghost charisma. When Joe requests to take the first sniper shot, the mercenary leader hands him the gun.<br /><br />Joe nails a ninja lookout in the mask with a bullet. He looks back, awaiting the mercenary leader's approval. Another mercenary hands him a handgun before taking back the rifle. Mercenaries do not know how to reward people. You don't give students a B for getting an A. These mercenaries should never give out prizes for anything.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Showdown</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Overhearing the message from a henchmen's walkie-talkie, Cynthia informs Robin that Joe Linwood and His Merry Mercenary Men have been spotted. This statement is followed by a sequence in which Joe and His Merry Mercenary Men gracefully move through the dark waters. You better not mess with Joe Linwood. He has a smaller gun than before.<br /><br />Near the walkway leading up to the resort, Joe and his allies come across a group of mercenaries who were shot in the back of the head — wine bottle style. Eventually, they realize that they have been set up. Traitors and ninjas attack them from all directions, wounding the mercenary's leg in the process. Following a hail of gunfire and explosions, Joe and his mercenary friend escape imminent danger with the help of a jeep. Since Joe has mastered the jeep, I fully expect the lead mercenary guy to reward him with a smaller jeep.<br /><br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">TO BE CONTINUED</span></b></center>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-25080882234356850632010-08-16T00:54:00.000-07:002010-08-16T05:06:22.927-07:00Playin' The Feud: Mess with Nexus<center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">We surveyed 100 people who are one, saving us a lot of time...</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglcX_A2qTAv2HQFW4y1k31Y7xpu91fNXzicCPyP2yUsiD9i4safGqMkjOECRfgQou_3WCyNkI2DR2aIESByCDOzoPYD4sJue0NgjHjwHYUKRBi9o1MD020MtPrfAQGSDdYK-PV/s1600/wweffeudnexus.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 289px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505976301250970978" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglcX_A2qTAv2HQFW4y1k31Y7xpu91fNXzicCPyP2yUsiD9i4safGqMkjOECRfgQou_3WCyNkI2DR2aIESByCDOzoPYD4sJue0NgjHjwHYUKRBi9o1MD020MtPrfAQGSDdYK-PV/s400/wweffeudnexus.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />Stop taking 7-Eleven's straws, then giving them to people as if they are personal gifts from you, Rey Mysterio. You are not aiding their thirst-quenching endeavours.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Hooray. I got it. Smashed penny. This is... good... for me to have. Oh, smashed penny. We are gonna have some crazy times, you and me.</i></b></center><br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-23460473940832218472010-08-16T00:48:00.000-07:002010-08-16T04:59:02.919-07:00The Last Other Another One Night Stand<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6o6oUnXST0EVYD7oNprSkxtbCrsKyiQQ2f5G3cqN2JvZsLN3HUeBCHtuE1iNghVEK-GShxnG7XTFdkEYM5hgqMvLbCTtIjOCiB-lRcfRCzRtDQapyHaZl-rpin_tCHAxb4U8/s1600/tsswervedlastothanothonenightstand.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505953797934409202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6o6oUnXST0EVYD7oNprSkxtbCrsKyiQQ2f5G3cqN2JvZsLN3HUeBCHtuE1iNghVEK-GShxnG7XTFdkEYM5hgqMvLbCTtIjOCiB-lRcfRCzRtDQapyHaZl-rpin_tCHAxb4U8/s400/tsswervedlastothanothonenightstand.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Tommy Dreamer is not a pretty boy. Brother Devon is not a pampered-pop celebrity, quelling rumours that he used to perform Color Me Badd covers under the name, "Dee Dee Rainbows." Does Raven look like a slave to the latest trends and fashions to you? Given that the worn-out, drugged-up hobo look is currently in style, I would answer with a maybe. You will never see Brother Ray on the cover of <i>GQ</i>, partly because he was featured in <i>Esquire</i>, <i>Vogue</i> and <i>O Magazine</i> last month. Brother Ray does not want to be a magazine cover hog.<br /><br />Rob Van Dam did make history, being the first wrestler to confuse our parents and friends with his resemblance to action star Jean Claude Van Damme. "Is that the guy from <i>Timecop</i>?" "No, Mom. Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't wrestle." "Well, he definitely looks like him. I bet he is Jean Claude Van Damme. Why would he look like him if he isn't him?" "Okay, sure." Also, Rhino was part of a wildlife-related name revolution, putting him in elite company with The Pitbulls, "Lionheart" Chris Jericho and Steve The Galapagos Tortoise — the last of whom you rarely saw on television because his kind is on the brink of extinction. These men took their craft, their passion beyond the edge of extreme.<br /><br />That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia is where they became stars and men. Together, they put on entertaining shows while allowing the arena to take their virginity. In that arena, they learned respect and honour. They learned how to make the world respect them, how to make their careers and names. Based on these testimonials, this arena was better than the Sylvan Learning Center. Take that, extracurricular education.<br /><br />This week, The Swerved pays tribute. The Swerved fights alongside its brother and sister sites once again. This week, The Swerved comes home for it is forever hardcore and likes to have numerous one night stands with promiscuous randoms. Apparently, The Swerved is a ho. We together are forever hoes. This is what The Swerved does and the reason why it is what it is. This is a recap of "The Last Other Another One Night Stand."<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">10... 9...</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And now, The Swerved presents "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." The Swerved is coming to you live from the home of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.<br /><br />The broadcast team of "The Professor" Mike Tenay and "FTW 13" Tazz are announcing to you live in front of a large banner for “The Last Other Another One Night Stand". They are not in a basement, but in a dimly lit room with five lockers and a bench — the TNA backstage area standard.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Addresses the Audience</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Hardcore fans in the Wrestling with Fancy and Pointy Garbage Zone are glad to see an appearance by the heart and soul of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Hardcore alumnus William “The Refrigerator” Chillington (Chilly Willy) is met with loud "Penguin Bonnet" chants. Earlier today, he looked into the eyes of the extreme athletes who are about to perform for the fans. This experience has given him the courage to promise that this night will be extreme, hardcore, and under the influence of hallucinogens.<br /><br />Chillington addresses the haters who falsely labelled That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia as a bush league, blood and guts promotion. Backed by the crowd, Chillington insists that they revolutionized the wrestling business. For instance, they were the first promotion to promote the concept of using furniture as weapons. Back then, furniture was often used as a housewarming gift or part of a woman's dowry in a marriage. Tonight, Chillington invites those who continue to use furniture as gifts or dowry to kiss his ass. The "There Are Better Ways To Show Your Affection, Appreciation, and Dedication to Another Human Being" chants commence.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 1</u>:<br />Cole Coal (Simon Diamond) and The Boston Key Party (Johnny Swinger) w/ Dawn Marie (Dawn Marie) vs. Dorry Danning (Danny Doring) & No Electricity Streetdeath (Amish Roadkill) w/ Congenial Amy (Lita)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Years of deep thought and reflection has taken a toll on Cole Coal's chin, creating what appears to be the makings of a second and third chin. As for The Boston Key Party, business for his Old West prostitution ring is booming. Finally, I have come to the conclusion that Dorry Danning and No Electricity Streetdeath is an odd pairing. You have an Amish chicken lover tagging up with a traditional chicken lover.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> Cole Coal has a problem. That problem is front butt. Danning and Streetdeath spend the majority of the match mistaking his front for his back, leading to many hilarious misunderstandings. At ringside, Dawn spends her time running away from Amy's airborne toenail clippings.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> Coal and Party pin Danning with the Problem Solver, which solves all problems except the most important one affecting our young children today — American obesity. They should have hit him with the Temporary Solution, replacing Chicken McNuggets with apple slices in all McDonald's Happy Meals.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> ***<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Where Are They Now?</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In a fascinating segment, various extreme alumni reveal what has become of them. Former That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Champion Bobby Lashley is married to Kristal Marshall and continues to venture into the mixed world of mixed martial arts. Hardcore Holly is angry about something. In the last video, Mike Knox drives up in his retro car with Mike Knox’s Beard in the passenger seat. He gives a shout out to his extreme brothers and thanks the fans for their dedication to the brand. Without them, he says that there wouldn't be a Mike Knox, a Kevin Thorn, a Big Daddy V, or a Kelly Kelly.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Swerved Remembers...</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In a series of sit-down interviews, well-known fans of the brand recall their fondest memories. This guy I met at Sears while shopping for electronics remembers when Tommy Dreamer lost a match. The Swerved's fourteen-year-old cousin Swervette did not get to watch That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia until this reunion show. She fondly remembers that time she was asked to recall a fond memory of the company in a sit-down interview at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." Swervette liked that the sit-down interview was different. The energy in that interview was unlike any other that was ever conducted.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">A Shiny Segment</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In a bathroom that somehow features five lockers and a bench, a group of familiar faces look disgruntled in their black track pants and sleeveless shirts. To give you a hint, they do not have hair. They were your favourite team when That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia ran shows on TNN. They are Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) — "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies).<br /><br />Alec, Daniel, and Stephen state that times have changed, but staple guns are still in fashion. Although the emergence of staple removers in 2000 threatened their simple way of life, they were able to get through it by figuring out how to staple one staple remover to another. Tonight, The Bald Ones vow to drive staples into their opponents' heads until they run out of them. Due to the state of the economy, The Swerved has granted them one staple in total. They must use it wisely. If they are tempted by the sight of two sheets of paper floating away from each other in the summer breeze, that is their fault.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 2</u>:<br />Justifiably Incredible Pyjamas (Justin Credible) vs. Lance Weather Disturbance (Lance Storm)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> That's not just the footy pjyamas. That's not just the knitted pyjamas. Those are justifiably incredible pyjamas with easy access flaps on both ends. A few days prior to the event, the management team had to convince Lance to participate in the event. Once they granted him unlimited cabbage patch dances in the match, he was game.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> The familiarity between these former tag partners leads to reversals galore, including Pyjamas and Weather Disturbance switching clothes in the middle of the contest. Pyjamas frequent attempts to use the Singapore cane are halted by Storm, who uses Pyjamas' former manager Jason Day (Jason Knight) as his own cane.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> Setting him up for a Super Kick, Pyjamas ducks, grabs a Never Ending Pasta Bowl from the Olive Garden, and nails Storm for the pinfall. That was too much pasta for one man, let alone one weather disturbance.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> ***1/2<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Swerved Remembers Something It Forgot...</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The sit-down interviews continue with members of the TNA roster reflecting on That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Lacey Von Erich claims that the promotion put hardcore wrestling on the map, mostly due to fans writing "Hardcore Wrestling" on their official city, state, and country maps. AJ Styles remembers the company enough to not get a abnormally large tattoo of it on a visible part of his body. Mr. Anderson added his thoughts about the promotion, but he looks kind of weird in this interview. Nobody was listening.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Mr. Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday Evening and the Old Whistleblower</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) talks to Billzo (Bill Alfonso) about his cancelled match against Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn). Von Rob was so excited to face Gerald that he did not bother to wear pants for this segment. Billzo encourages Von Rob to put on some pants because he will be facing a homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, insecticidal, mail-order bridal, death-defying maniac. Von Rob talks about his history with (S. Abu) Sabu until Billzo informs him that he was referring to Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs).<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 3</u>:<br />Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) as "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies) vs. Hollywood Simone Deene (Nova), Big Richard Cool Spot (Stevie Richards), and The Phthalocyanine Gentleman (The Blue Meanie) as “The International Organization of Cyan” (The BWO)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Big Richard Cooler is in good shape. Hollywood Simone Deene is in better shape. He should thank Bobby Lashley for force-feeding him that plate of cheeseburgers. The Phthalocyanine Gentleman is a nice person. In the case of The Bald Ones, I think one of them is wearing a transparent weave.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> Two minutes into the match, The Bald Ones face their greatest adversary in the form of a faulty staple gun. After jamming their only staple in the gun, Da Bald Ones try to staple-gun whip the iOc as an alternative. In retaliation, the International Organization of Cyan draw over their beards, sunglasses, and eyebrows with serious versions of them. Now, their beards aren't trimmed. They aren't balancing their sunglasses on their nose as seen in 80s films about teenagers driving before they are legally allowed to take the wheel. Finally, they are sporting down-turned eyebrows. The iOc mean business.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> The iOc give Alec Bald One the Blue Light Special on the staple gun, souring the Bald Ones on such office weaponry forever.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> **1/2<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">No Time for Rest</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Swerved, Mike Tenay, and Tazz would like to acknowledge that this remembrance of extreme individuals who are longer with us is over.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 4</u>:<br />Three Way Dance<br />Tiejitsu (Tajiri) w/ Shipwrecking Mikael (Mikey Whipwreck) vs. Loco Jheri Curl (Super Crazy) vs. Psychology Major (Psicosis)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Tiejistu has poor posture. Being a buzzsaw of Japanese descent for several years is not good for your back. Jheri Curl has not changed much since his stint mowing the cement floors of live WWE events, except he is a tad bigger. He must be thankful for his full body wrestling gear because it doubles as a convenient Mexican girdle. Since we last saw Psychology Major, Jheri Curl's Mexicoolian peer has majored in Horticulture. How the tables have turned, Psychology Major. How the tables have turned.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> For half of the Three Way Dance, Tietsu, Loco Jheri Curl, and Psychology Major engage in a standoff without even executing a series of moves. Clenching their fists in front of them, they wait for a round of enthusiastic applause from the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone. Following a smattering of applause, they moonsault the fudge out of each other.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> The three wrestlers fall off the top turnbuckle in a Tower of Inside Cradles spot. Hundreds of kick outs later, Psicosis legs fall off, leading to his demise at the hands and feet of Tiejitsu. With two men remaining, Tiejitsu mists Jheri Curl in the middle of another inside cradle. Unfortunately, he gets hit with contact mist for being too close to his opponent. This mistake allows Jheri Curl to cradle Tiejitsu for the win.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> ****<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Swerved Mailed A Memory To Itself, But Forgot What It Was...</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Hugh Jackman — star of stage and screen — is dressed up as a casual Brutus Magnus. He reminisces about That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia's adamantium skeleton. He is especially surprised at the fact that while the promotion had healing powers, it could not revive itself after filing for bankruptcy. In turn, World Wrestling Entertainment has a staff and throws playing cards at people. That is why WWE is alive and well in 2010.<br /><br />Next, Ric Flair compliments the extreme wrestlers for their hard work and dedication to professional wrestling, then chastises them for glorifying blood and ultra violence. Ric ends the interview by bleeding out from his hair. The blood in Flair's hair starts to bleed as well.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 5</u>:<br />The Freezing Temperature Scorpion (2 Cold Scorpion) and the Remnants of Terry Funk (Terry Funk) vs. Brother Ray and Brother Devon as Team 3-D (Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley as the Dudley Boyz) w/ Joel Gertner's Coat (Joel Gertner)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Modern crowds are still amused by Joel Gertner's dirty limericks, but he is starting to run out of ideas. His limerick at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand" was rather disappointing: "It is I. The male reproductive organ in her female reproductive organ, the man who wakes up early on Sunday to visit her local flea market for a bargain, and the one who helps her shop for laundry detergent at Target. The Lyrical Miracle, the Sexual Intellectual, and the Quintessential Stud Muffin. Joel 'Has anybody here seen <i>Breaking Bad</i> on AMC? It's a good show, man. You should watch it. Let me lend you the DVD.' Gertner."<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> Brother Ray and Brother Devon must cope with the Remnants of Terry Funk, who is wearing two ladders on his shoulders. He is spinning around pretty fast for someone over 60 years of age. He resembles a demented helicopter about to take flight.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> The crowd at the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone engage in a fun chanting duel. Half of the crowd want tables. The other half want fire. Obviously, Brother Ray and Brother Devon have to make a decision because they do not see any way that they can have both. Moments later, they put their opponents through fire which they manipulated into the shape of two tables. At least, they want you to think that the fire looks like two tables. I don't see it. They may have made two fiery ottomans, but those are not tables, sir and other sir. Once Scorpion and Terry Funk are involuntary cremated, the two teams embrace.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> **1/2<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Enter The Booked Suite</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In the darkness, Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman) talks about his experiences with Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) and Grunge Bird (Raven). Before he owned a successful chain of 3-to-4 star hotels, he remembers giving Timothy ten shots with his Singapore cane. Even though he remembers when Grunge Bird brainwashed his son Tyler into joining the Flock as well, he did not enjoy it as much as those cane shots. America Pants concludes the promo by saying that he looks forward to fighting Timothy and Grunge Bird one last time, but can't wait to get back to WWE for the eventual ECW on Sci-Fi/SyFy reunion. He has not forgotten about Big Dick Johnson.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 6</u>:<br />Three Way Dance<br />Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) vs. Grunge Bird (Raven) vs. Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman)<b></center></b></span></span></b><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Timothy has brought his wife Mother Trisa (Beulah McGillicutty — relative of Michael McGillicutty), his twin daughters Brianna and Kimberly, his extended family, a dignified woman with opera glasses, and two workers with a pane of glass to ringside. America Pants has brought himself to the match, which is all that matters. Grunge Bird forgot to bring a mirror. He never said he was going to bring a mirror, but he shouldn't look at himself right now for that might depress him.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> The three put on the most violent match of the night, highlighted by Grunge Bird and America Pants presenting a bloody Timothy to his ringside guests. Grunge Bird moves Timothy's jaw up and down like a puppet, while America Pants moves his arms and legs with barbed wire strings. Trisa and Timothy's extended family think Grunge Bird should be ashamed of himself. Timothy's twin daughters don't care for references to <i>The Sound of Music</i>. The woman with opera glasses has fainted in a melodramatic manner, tumbling up and over the guardrail. The two workers with a pane of glass have left. The pane of glass does nothing for it is a glass pane.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> In a drunken state, Sleepy Head America Pants handcuffs Daydreaming Timothy's hands behind his back. Unbeknownst to him, America Pants handcuffed his opponent while resting back first on the mat, inadvertently pinning himself under the weight of Timothy. Following a barrage of garbage can lid, steel chair, and road sign shots, Grunge Bird handcuffs Timothy's legs to his handcuffed hands. Just as Grunge Bird is about to win the match with the Evenflow DDT, Arthritis, Measles, and Chickenpox show up. At first, Grunge Bird is happy to see the newest members of the Flock, until he is stricken with arthritis, measles, and chickenpox. As he is taken to the hospital, Tommy Dreamer loses by default.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> ****1/2<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Shout Out to Skullet and Extreme Harry Potter</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Several alumni wish Joey Styles and Paul Heyman could be with them, celebrating all the fun they had at That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia. The wrestlers have been calling them on their brick phones, paging them on their pagers, and faxing documents over to them on their fax machines. These wrestlers do not have much experience with modern technology, but they don't need experience. Brick phones, pagers, and fax machines revolutionized the communication business. You people with your computers, your skinny mobile phones, and your skinny mobile phones that double as computers don't get it and will never get it.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><u>MATCH 7</u>: Main Event<br />Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) w/ Billzo (Bill Alfonso) vs. Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs)</span></span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Observations:</span> Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn) is out with a serious back injury. He could have wrestled in this match, but believed that last Saturday night was alright for fighting. Judging by his back injury, I will respectfully disagree with him. In honour of his old self, Riggly Scott is wearing two eye patches. He cannot see a thing.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Story of the Match:</span> Von Rob utilizes an aerial assault to take his opponent off his feet. At the same time, Riggly Scott wears Von Rob down in anticipation for "The Clapper" (his version of the Sharpshooter, which is known in wrestling circles to transmit chlamydia if both wrestlers are positioned in the right place). Billzo's whistling has been put to good use here, doubling as a grating annoyance while drawing attention to the severity of venereal disease.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Finish:</span> In the middle of the ring, Riggly Scott is ready to clap on "The Clapper." Taking way too much time to position his opponent and himself for the submission move, Von Rob escapes, hits Scott with the Von Daminator, the Von Terminator, and the Von Assinator (rolling butt suplex). He ends with the Five Star Frog Splash for the pinfall victory.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Rating:</span> *****<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Thank You</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia alumni make their way down to the ring to congratulate both men on a fantastic match. Daydreaming Timothy cleans himself up to thank the crowd and viewers at home. He asks the individual who made it all possible to join them for this celebration. A haunting silence takes over the arena as they anticipate the mystery man or woman's arrival.<br /><br />On cue, Dixie Carter comes out wearing a leather skirt and extreme beret. She thanks the alumni for putting on a great show. As Brother Ray and Brother Devon are about to lift Dixie up on their shoulders, she takes out two Singapore canes and strikes them in the skull. Daydreaming Timothy tries to hold Dixie back. In response, she spits beer in his face and low blows him with the canes.<br /><br />The rest of the one-night roster jump her, but Dixie manages to roll out of the ring. She lifts the ring skirt and unveils a shopping cart full of guitars (for the heavyweight wrestlers), banjos (for the middleweight wrestlers), and ukuleles (for the cruiserweights. Before each hit, she pretends to play the instruments in a style reminiscent of Hulk Hogan playing the WCW Championship.<br /><br />With bodies lying everywhere, Dixie takes out a box of cigars and smokes five at once. Stephanie McMahon is on notice. The show ends.<br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-43062267746602438712010-08-09T00:50:00.000-07:002010-08-09T00:59:40.417-07:00Playin' The Feud: Trust Fund Money, Trust Fund Problems<center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">We surveyed 100 kids who had to buy a personality...</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiexLdoal4r7DwexgkuHewYHK3u1fF_C1qO_m5hloBUxnb_ZorX48PimJJtWxtt2-hLe6qYzmOZEbCNYQgRrhEc2uruwtUe9DlEP7tF2uZt3Ih5ygpeKXt9U_coImbHt3beweMS/s1600/wweffeudtedjr.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 289px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503315929721217714" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiexLdoal4r7DwexgkuHewYHK3u1fF_C1qO_m5hloBUxnb_ZorX48PimJJtWxtt2-hLe6qYzmOZEbCNYQgRrhEc2uruwtUe9DlEP7tF2uZt3Ih5ygpeKXt9U_coImbHt3beweMS/s400/wweffeudtedjr.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />If you want relive the good times of ECW, watch the widescreen version of TNA Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand in fullscreen mode. That way, everyone will look younger and skinnier.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood? We got another thing coming undone and it's taking us over.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-7183990913566418742010-08-09T00:45:00.000-07:002010-08-09T00:55:21.821-07:00The Answered: The Answering Machine<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoHfDSwSPcjPYrIdHIurKdAFb98fMwdQqzLI3NMGKgyj3Dlf_woGZAxB00BDKAY4qa_kfIh0lqY-hcrq4xytTKmfJuIlpSML-OMN_47ST8acb6aD8t0UtGSqvFXEKTJRrfrNRN/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304709489294722" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoHfDSwSPcjPYrIdHIurKdAFb98fMwdQqzLI3NMGKgyj3Dlf_woGZAxB00BDKAY4qa_kfIh0lqY-hcrq4xytTKmfJuIlpSML-OMN_47ST8acb6aD8t0UtGSqvFXEKTJRrfrNRN/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Over the years, readers have grown to consider me an expert on all things professional wrestling. If you have a wrestling-related question in mind, I may have already answered it several times before. What does it take to run a successful wrestling promotion? Who will be the next mainstream megastar and why? Due to my condition down there, is it possible for my husband and I to have children? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, you must admit that I am the most informed professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist that no money can buy. You can't name a professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist who is better than me because that person does not exist. I know more about WWE, TNA, and their lady holes than they could ever know.<br /><br />Being this knowledgeable has its disadvantages, though. While I am out in public, ready and willing to answer wrestling-related queries behind back alleys, fans are looking for a more down-to-earth and relatable answer man. Why question the all-knowing one when you can get a quicker reply from a normal, like-minded peer? I respect those who prefer to get their answers as if they are speeding past a drive-thru window of knowledge, but I do not recommend others to take this convenient route. In the end, fast questions will produce processed, greasy, and bland answers with a ton of trans fat.<br /><br />Thanks to online services like <i>Yahoo! Answers</i>, random strangers are being treated as authorities on subjects like professional wrestling. I'm sure PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless are smart people with good intentions, but why should you trust them more than me? I do not hide behind a username, nor do I protect my true identity with a pseudonym. Besides, that ninja betrayed his friends by carrying out his ninja duties, bottomless and cold. Every day, PantlessNinja08674 is disobeying the Ninja Code of Honour. Unlike other buttfaces, Buttface_Da_Merciless does not show compassion toward his butt-faced brethren. These individuals are anything but trustworthy authorities on any subject.<br /><br />As a gift to the wrestling community, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to respond to questions on <i>Yahoo! Answers</i>. I have not committed any illegal crimes to justify this community service, but I might have to if people like PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless keep leading wrestling fans astray. You guys think you know. Let me tell you that you have no idea. I am "The Answering Machine." Leave a question at the beep, son.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">How Many Roads Must A Melina Walk Down Before They Call Her A Melina?</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQnTlWvaQa3b5CvHjnmwjkM9E02foRiwObrWarAeQqmp9GNvohgsmoXk7-ccFlLIVTFJdqpjS5Krn5r3wz9vmVx02VKkFBWpP-W9wTa2cBR2zhMKs9XXnplTAP9NYgpYPmnALX/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine1.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 79px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304607230397330" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQnTlWvaQa3b5CvHjnmwjkM9E02foRiwObrWarAeQqmp9GNvohgsmoXk7-ccFlLIVTFJdqpjS5Krn5r3wz9vmVx02VKkFBWpP-W9wTa2cBR2zhMKs9XXnplTAP9NYgpYPmnALX/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine1.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">To say the least, Be Miz is shocked that Melina Perez has returned to Monday Night RAW. When Melina Tripplehorn returned to RAW, he didn't even care. According to the ratio of exclamation to question marks in his question, he is eight times more excited than confused for Melina's return. Ever since her injury, Be Miz must have been hoarding these exclamation marks in his home, as seen in that new TLC show, <i>Exclamation Mark Hoarders</i>. He did not know how it happened, but it could have something to do with the recent passing of his two periods.<br /><br />During a late 2009 house show, Melina tore her ACL in a six-woman tag match. Despite doctors proving that her injury was legitimate, World Wrestling Entertainment did not believe that the tear was serious. After all those times she did the splits under the bottom rope without injury, WWE wondered how could she injure herself, taking part in such a meaningless stunt like wrestling in a six-woman tag match. Every week, they invited her to make her return, but only if she could walk from Manchester, New Hampshire — where she suffered the injury — to the site of the next show. Almost eight months later, Melina was able to walk to San Antonio for the August 2nd edition of RAW. Although they are glad to have her back, World Wrestling Entertainment still believes that she faked the whole thing.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Brett "The Indecision Man" Favre</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRtR1sR73dGFe98ge7bxrN98u-T_6DP-M6SWEQz05ZhwD1yv6yz_WtevW5I7ZoROJObS5pF8Bxh-anqZa7pzmOfSZShCA4XFEfXzdzziG5V9buNzccfSprxxydtyReY-Q9phBu/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 109px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304541736973378" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRtR1sR73dGFe98ge7bxrN98u-T_6DP-M6SWEQz05ZhwD1yv6yz_WtevW5I7ZoROJObS5pF8Bxh-anqZa7pzmOfSZShCA4XFEfXzdzziG5V9buNzccfSprxxydtyReY-Q9phBu/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine2.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Good question, deerhunter20068. For a while, I have been wondering when Brett Favre would agree to go to TNA. Out of all the wrestling-related questions I would love to answer, that one is near the top of my list. Brett has been on the fence for the entire wrestling off-season, but I think I have an idea about his next move after consulting with my sources.<br /><br />World Wrestling Entertainment's guy is Aaron Rodgers, which has forced Brett out of the company. The addition of Mark Sanchez to Ring of Honor takes away another option for him, too. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has a strong offense, what with the fact that people are often offended by their brand of professional wrestling. Brett would be a perfect fit for the aging core, but is the price right?<br /><br />He is commanding big money. I'm talking about TNA Knockout money. I'm talking about three cents and a wooden bowl of rice per appearance. Brett Favre is used to two bowls of rice, but he will settle for one if he can come in minutes before a Pay-Per-View, main event it, and try to win the championship. For weeks, he has been wrestling with high school kids in Mississippi, throwing around the body. He's good to go. Just say when.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Beef</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfXB2OIZIIh_8yDKdXhd1S6JTZMx7Gxm3jCj7jnGY6CTLgTXm2V5ucqohU0DRvqQlChsYHlgrofmHk97wr6fBA2EK1DtNy3fPDLUq2aQ8pDqxXNATOgcZCTLXAl2HQt5Nbs8Eh/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine3.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 125px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304474700821586" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfXB2OIZIIh_8yDKdXhd1S6JTZMx7Gxm3jCj7jnGY6CTLgTXm2V5ucqohU0DRvqQlChsYHlgrofmHk97wr6fBA2EK1DtNy3fPDLUq2aQ8pDqxXNATOgcZCTLXAl2HQt5Nbs8Eh/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine3.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I wouldn't be surprised if Scott Hall had a real-life feud going with Goldust. In particular, I remember their 1996 storyline being rather risqué. Goldust used mind games to gain an advantage over “The Bad Guy,” showing his man-love for Razor with heart-shaped tattoos and inappropriate touching. Even though this storyline was darker and dirtier than most in the WWF’s cartoon era, I think Goldust took it a little bit too far for Hall's liking. As wrestlers, their job is to entertain the fans and make money. Depending upon the person, inappropriate touching is not its own reward.<br /><br />With that said, I doubt Scott Hall would want to bring Dustin Rhodes' brother into their rivalry. Cody Rhodes has nothing to do with the time when Scott Hall and Goldust shared a steak dinner. That beef is between those two gentlemen. I'm sure it was delicious, yet expensive. Goldust must have handed over the cheque to him. That is why Hall is so mad.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Dream Card</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtR0Gl-ZI9hJ84WbXjvfVGP6eG_-aeEINrFHVvu2NpzshG69_jCqdo0_2P2-zk09yYda-iVDwXzT8ge6Z52h8LyiL-eW_ZJhkRNMLtxOmA22g5oJkDFPr-TnIDZ0LmJ__ikCPl/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine4.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 262px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304411735793906" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtR0Gl-ZI9hJ84WbXjvfVGP6eG_-aeEINrFHVvu2NpzshG69_jCqdo0_2P2-zk09yYda-iVDwXzT8ge6Z52h8LyiL-eW_ZJhkRNMLtxOmA22g5oJkDFPr-TnIDZ0LmJ__ikCPl/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine4.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">WrestleMania XXIV has come and gone, except in the heart of Jason. In his world, RAW, SmackDown, and TNA have come together to put on the best WrestleMania XXIV imaginable. From top to bottom, I am impressed by the star power on this card. In addition to modern-day stars like Chyna, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and Al Snow, we've got up-and-coming talents in the form of Triple H, The Undertaker, and Kane. With this many superstars in every match, who will come out victorious? I think I can tell you.<br /><br />1st Match: Big Show will defeat Shamus — a bunch of ShamWows piled on top of each other to form a ShamWow statue of Sheamus — by forcing it to soak up way too much water.<br /><br />2nd Match: Former Cuban President Fidel Castro will help Tazz win the Hell in a Cell Match. Out of the four participants, Castro will declare Tazz the automatic winner due to his resemblance to a stocky Cuban cigar. Put a pair of orange sunglasses on a stocky Cuban cigar. You'll understand.<br /><br />3rd Match: Randy Orton will win the WWE Championship over The Undertaker, Sting, and Mick Foley by angry pinfall. All three men will wander and crawl around the ring, out of position for punts and RKOs aplenty, leading Randy to rage his way to the title.<br /><br />4th Match: Hulk Hogan will win Money in the Bank because this is his specialty match. In the past, he has gone through hip replacement surgeries, but only to make room for robotic hips with built-in springs. He does not need a ladder. He will hop once and grab the title off the hook. Meanwhile, Rob Van and D'Lo Brown will stick to their ground game and come close.<br /><br />5th Match: D-Generation X. The Four Horsemen. The Guys Who Always Pound Ass. Three legendary teams in one cage is too much for me. I put my money on Bradshaw and Farooq. They know how to pound ass with efficiency. The other two teams are novices.<br /><br />Main Event: Shane McMahon will win. How are you supposed to defeat a guy who can fall from anywhere without getting hurt? The more you drop him on his head, the more he will dance. Shane is unstoppable.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Too Many Referees on the Referee Floor</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtctAVtQE94ZQ-1wh_wnH66hM_U_vsXXj6r2SPHsZMxOWp309yvn1MKEXinan0GPGL9B_o6Wq3xPpduAodGTRJ4T32XzQ3P4n6Z9e2oNLUAP5aN-bptCKbt5QrllZBNOFFtRY/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine5.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 108px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304329754843154" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtctAVtQE94ZQ-1wh_wnH66hM_U_vsXXj6r2SPHsZMxOWp309yvn1MKEXinan0GPGL9B_o6Wq3xPpduAodGTRJ4T32XzQ3P4n6Z9e2oNLUAP5aN-bptCKbt5QrllZBNOFFtRY/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine5.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I think tman02 has a right to feel insecure. Some wrestling fans are uncomfortable watching unlicensed referees call official matchups. "You're not licensed, but you're counting the pinfall. Is this call official, or must we take this decision up to the North American Wrestling Commission?"<br /><br />Personally, I believe that you can never have too many special referees. When one of your regular referees goes down with the flu after feeling the forceful wind of a grazing punch, who is going to save him? You will need the assistance of a second referee. Then, what happens when the second referee gets knocked out by a spinning foot? You bring out a third referee. If that third referee suffers an accidental blow to any part of his body or hair, he's a goner, too. Who will save him now? A fourth referee? Is TNA made of money or something? Anybody who has one hand, owns a shirt with stripes, and has the ability to count to three is good enough for them.<br /><br />Why can't they be good enough for you?</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Mixed Martial Grappler</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbKCqr7QM72eNaA6XVUqi02B4JnjpZlu6PSSMzrTM1AO_-I8efWCmqJ9Kh_41ob6xYJnbFktYrtyaOEq4Yb_CamfbDHjCAYyLnFR8cCzGVGegVij6tJjO7rLfi7NzFcxqw5pyY/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine6.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 123px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304212150868482" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbKCqr7QM72eNaA6XVUqi02B4JnjpZlu6PSSMzrTM1AO_-I8efWCmqJ9Kh_41ob6xYJnbFktYrtyaOEq4Yb_CamfbDHjCAYyLnFR8cCzGVGegVij6tJjO7rLfi7NzFcxqw5pyY/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine6.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For an evil version of Barney made up of several pink women, this question does not seem that evil. Perhaps Evil Barney has mellowed out over the years. Has he found love with Baby Bop? If that is the case, you are one evil dinosaur, purple sir. I would like to have a word with you. Come to my house with fruity alcohol and prophylactics. When you enter, make yourself at home in the kitchen. I just need to change my clothes, do the laundry, or change my laundry. Don't mind the police outside the windows. They're tending to the garden.<br /><br />To answer your question, I would say that Rey Mysterio has a great chance to succeed in MMA. While he is small in stature, he will get to fight in his own weight class. Plus, fans of the UFC are no different than those of WWE in that they love their underdogs.<br /><br />Then again, I can't see Rey Mysterio using submission holds or anything. He will have to use his wrestling skills to get victories. If the referee or one of the judges would be kind enough to open the cage door for him during a round, Rey can swing around and hit his opponent with the 619 for the knockout. Before he makes contact, his opponent will have to climb up the cage and drape his body over the cage wall, but I'm sure that won't be a big problem.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">How To Invent The Wrestler</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqPIWutwxDAae5kbaaZw-ZdTcKikuEiT86LB0A5X2_mDUsBA0wpdaWjOhq0wpa9Yn2U6RaCDOM9-ceDsJLu8eI5WxD_9Q4ljPGue9mg5a2kgK9hjpz6BtMgAx8kXFNuh_56aAV/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine7.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 134px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304146917312354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqPIWutwxDAae5kbaaZw-ZdTcKikuEiT86LB0A5X2_mDUsBA0wpdaWjOhq0wpa9Yn2U6RaCDOM9-ceDsJLu8eI5WxD_9Q4ljPGue9mg5a2kgK9hjpz6BtMgAx8kXFNuh_56aAV/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine7.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Don't let the name of Stu Pidazz fool you. His posterior may be stupid, but judging by his question, the rest of him is somewhat intelligent. Using my own two hands and brain, he has allowed me to build an ideal professional wrestler. In real life, I am not in favour of playing Wrestling God for he is one of the weaker deities. Monster Truck God and Roller Derby God laugh in the face of Wrestling God. For this question, I am willing to make an exception.<br /><br />Using my creative powers, I present to you my professional wrestler. His name is H. Colton Jeffries. When he is not having yacht parties on the speedboat that is sitting in his parents' front yard, he is wrestling in boat shoes and five colourful polo shirts. His finisher is an obscure Japanese move that he calls, "Working On My Screenplay At Starbucks." His entrance music is "The Penicillin Donkey Comes to Town (Space People Like Their Earth Medicine)" by a band that sounds similar to The Arcade Fire. He carries around a guitar that he does not know how to play. This person is based on a friend of mine. On second thought, this person is based on a friend of a friend of mine. Yes.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Real Talk</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAST0qvjkiv4QjMNaxJK5Q4EMgrAfw7AVLBVKmLattgtt5_WNoCATt0CR26AnQCVqE9HqDcDTBQCLYJqClk5XONPcd-_neOldMVYM9rmtD3FNSxWVex8kbSsRFVBnEChM0xn1L/s1600/tsansweredansweringmachine8.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 92px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503304075488264242" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAST0qvjkiv4QjMNaxJK5Q4EMgrAfw7AVLBVKmLattgtt5_WNoCATt0CR26AnQCVqE9HqDcDTBQCLYJqClk5XONPcd-_neOldMVYM9rmtD3FNSxWVex8kbSsRFVBnEChM0xn1L/s400/tsansweredansweringmachine8.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Wrestling (WWE to be exact) is fake? Therefore, The Doors are certain that TNA Wrestling is the only thing that is real? That's it. I'm gone. Jim Morrison would never lie to me.<br /><br />Whoever wants to join me, I'm about to watch this gritty documentary about the Matrix. This is your last chance, unless we are currently in the Matrix. We're in the Matrix, aren't we? We're in the Matrix part of the Matrix. We are in the fake part of the fake whole that is the Matrix within the Matrix. I should've known. They're still wrestling in a professional manner in here and I don't like it one bit.<br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-11718525704930861952010-08-02T00:50:00.000-07:002010-08-02T00:50:00.048-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 96th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEgSp2ciaRb7JD0iVijNLuwjgCAXfbgXZ-H5Y4Q77eCvu_zykagB33RsfquAJDjLhdMwjXbIkyiE06-GcCMUfWKtN4N43AX4TMl4Y6ZToI6qU9-wzECzltHLqblEkbxTV_et4H/s1600/usostaminarugrats.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500687267917403538" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEgSp2ciaRb7JD0iVijNLuwjgCAXfbgXZ-H5Y4Q77eCvu_zykagB33RsfquAJDjLhdMwjXbIkyiE06-GcCMUfWKtN4N43AX4TMl4Y6ZToI6qU9-wzECzltHLqblEkbxTV_et4H/s400/usostaminarugrats.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>The Usos and Tamina vs. The DeVilles and Angelica</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Take that corner, we wanna go to the corner<br />Take that corner, let's go to the corner<br />Take us to that top corner<br />Before one of us randomly loses to Orton<br /><br />Take that corner, we wanna go to the corner<br />Take that corner, let's go to the corner<br />Take us to that top corner<br />Have you ever wondered what a skinny Rikishi looks like?<br /><br />Standing here in our sweater vests<br />Even though sweaters without sleeves seem pointless<br />Just the thought of having to give up two sleeves<br />But money and fashion don't go on trees<br /><br />Where will we be in a company with about four teams?<br />I don't know since we only arrived a few months ago<br />So take our manly valet's hand to better understand<br />How we'll probably break up before we're given half a chance</i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />I'm switching from pants to shorts. Come on, promotion. Let's see that promotion. Let's see The Stephen Rivera with The Swerved.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-70793903829695914632010-08-02T00:45:00.000-07:002010-08-02T00:45:00.677-07:00Kid Play: Part 2<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jqakhZnvqkL_Y1QffVjPWNVx1o2HcScVrCL4uJCwltQMwg7MzSHsPCK8gkzQe51T7jW3X-kbmagVVB_hyQH_KuuyWwWSzihyphenhyphenLP3C98P8faDhRpzUJyK4D2vckK6Lzla2dzty/s1600/tskidplay.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500673322837056658" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jqakhZnvqkL_Y1QffVjPWNVx1o2HcScVrCL4uJCwltQMwg7MzSHsPCK8gkzQe51T7jW3X-kbmagVVB_hyQH_KuuyWwWSzihyphenhyphenLP3C98P8faDhRpzUJyK4D2vckK6Lzla2dzty/s400/tskidplay.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Attention mothers, fathers, and family members forced to take care of children in a <i>Party of Five</i> situation. Don’t bother shelling out upwards of 60 to 70 dollars on violent video games about space marines supporting controversial alien immigration laws with bullets. Why? World Wrestling Entertainment has got you covered in the gaming department with a huge selection of online titles at WWE Kids' official website. When I'm talking about the WWE Kids' website, I'm referring to WWEKids.com. If you go to WWEKids.gov.au, you'll only find young wrestling fans talking about the possibility of John Cena running for governor in Queensland, Australia. I don't recommend that site. Those children aren't experts on the touchy subject of Australian politics.<br /><br />This fun collection of games will bring happiness and meaning into your wrestling fans' lives. As a working legal guardian, you don't have time to make them happy yourself. You've got better things to do, such as get tipsy on wine with your snooty married friends or compete in ladder matches to attain custody of your other children. While your away, let little Sally and little Mustafa play wrestling-related games on the Internet. Food, water, and shelter are excellent gifts, but guiding a flying Matt Hardy through an assault of fire-breathing pterodactyls keeps the child within the child alive.<br /><br />As I continue to channel my younger self, I am beginning to appreciate the simple pleasures of childhood again. Gone is the desire to needlessly nitpick every single flaw of professional wrestling. Goodbye to passive-aggression criticism toward hard-working people. Hello to playing a bunch of games that feature the faces of WWE Superstars and not much else. When you're playing a game at WWE Kids, you don't need to see the rest of body. Kids know what they look like. They're body-shaped bodies, dude. Move on with it because I think I have one.<br /><br />This second look at the WWE Kids website will showcase some of my positive and negative experiences with these games. Two years ago, I was a part of a professional video game league called MLG. I specialized in fourth-person shooters until the commissioner informed me that those games did not exist. Will my time in MLG help me become a WWE Kids gaming pro? I hope so. I want more endorsements. This hope is brought to you by Vagisil.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><big><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Most Favourite</span></b></big></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Triple H's Whack-an-Orton</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCiz4rUw2D50PxijuWlhm6Kq_gkLFQJZuvWSIo3ZhA0ISOFdM2MC23rGNwgo-7WATjZ23onIYAV7rTIo4oTUeZ6OtT7a2nNBEcg3fBwqpT8YpTd9EiKznALw4LfuYslhc1qmXw/s1600/tskidplay6whackorton.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 292px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500673224559207058" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCiz4rUw2D50PxijuWlhm6Kq_gkLFQJZuvWSIo3ZhA0ISOFdM2MC23rGNwgo-7WATjZ23onIYAV7rTIo4oTUeZ6OtT7a2nNBEcg3fBwqpT8YpTd9EiKznALw4LfuYslhc1qmXw/s400/tskidplay6whackorton.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Pictured: Triple H spitting water in ecstasy as a tiny Randy Orton with a large head appears next to his crotch. Not pictured: What happens after you win "The Game."</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> Whack as many Ortons as you can without whacking any Hunters, who the game says is the "good one." Well excuse me, mini-game. I like Triple H's leather jacket with jean sleeves and all — which he only uses to return from injury or invade someone's home — but Orton is just as good. He wears a flesh jacket with sleeves that look like a hodgepodge of tattoos. Whackers gonna whack.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> Attacking people with oversized heads is fun for the whole family and helps control the world’s big-headed population. You might as well kill them off while you can because they won’t live a long life with heads that big. Once they get into a pool or fall from a high place, forget about it. They will be goners — badminton birdie style.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> WWE Kids forgot to put an exclamation point at the end of the game's name. If they're not excited about it, who's going to be?<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> 8 out of 10<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Fix Rey's Face!</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> Rey Mysterio is a broken broke guy with a broken face and a broken butt and his broken butt smells and he likes to break his own butt. In this game, re-arrange the slide puzzle pieces so Rey can live a normal life again. When you’re done, wish him well. May he press his fixed face against children like me in a creepy way for many years to come.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> I think this game is teaching me about the structure of the human face. While I prefer eating over learning, we're talking about Rey Mysterio's face. One day, I want my face to be like his face, growing its own colourful wrestling masks and spreading joy throughout the land.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> In one try, this slide puzzle took me about 217 seconds to complete. I was aiming for 619 seconds, but I gave myself a running start.<br />Fun Rating: 8 out of 10</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Cena Goes For The Gold!</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6kCX42YB4ionybwfYbt9DIVu13bM6BF9eLlBh5tZD1iGlplSQ3l4AQwtJnAMkq3s5_DDGDozlc9I9VSG3UattbOmBhqhNJ6AKFIcKoRXH1QDN7ZdvSaybMOth9hGuOOv9cngP/s1600/tskidplay7cenagold.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 311px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500677458601567202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6kCX42YB4ionybwfYbt9DIVu13bM6BF9eLlBh5tZD1iGlplSQ3l4AQwtJnAMkq3s5_DDGDozlc9I9VSG3UattbOmBhqhNJ6AKFIcKoRXH1QDN7ZdvSaybMOth9hGuOOv9cngP/s400/tskidplay7cenagold.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Look around your neighbourhood for 37 "You Can't See Me" logos and 3 gigantic hats. If you find them, a World Heavyweight Championship is near.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> Is John Cena going for the gold? Yes. On your way to the title, you must collect logos and hats by climbing ladders, jumping over spikes, and keeping yourself balanced on floating steel steps. You have three lives and three minutes to get your championship. If you fail, you must start all over again. As long as you keep yourself alive, the first or second greatest prize in WWE can be yours. You won't even have to compete in that thing called a wrestling match.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> I am no different than any young fan in the WWE Universe. John Cena is my idol. If I can't grow wrestling masks on my face, I want to run and climb ladders like Cena. He can sprint on one foot without moving the other. He can go up rungs without even looking at them. He's the man.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> Super Mario is going to be mad. Bowser has moved on, setting his sights on the hustling, loyal, and respectful one. Now, Mario has to get his cakes and princesses from somewhere else.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> 10 out of 10<br /></span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Matt Hardy's Dino Dodger!</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilKyOKVFnunr9DqSAx7NeV365AW-ecxIK_wNX8-R0RSluu_tlhJU6dntT_2N_-9tXvjI4eSEbGLGDciWBjeHzrWm00vhWMUPwb75HsrhqPb7aWB0uHW3wKImDHlSjPXiTGdWGR/s1600/tskidplay8hardydino.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 208px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500673018939338226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilKyOKVFnunr9DqSAx7NeV365AW-ecxIK_wNX8-R0RSluu_tlhJU6dntT_2N_-9tXvjI4eSEbGLGDciWBjeHzrWm00vhWMUPwb75HsrhqPb7aWB0uHW3wKImDHlSjPXiTGdWGR/s400/tskidplay8hardydino.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Matt Fact: Matt cannot grow wings.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> You are Matt Hardy. You have travelled back in time to the Stone Age to find one of those buzzards that lives under your sink and eats your garbage. You will get one by any means necessary, even if you must take to the air and avoid hitting pterodactyls with your padded elbow. If you succeed, that buzzard is going to say some funny stuff under your sink like, "One man's junk is another bird's treasure." Real garbage disposals can't say that. Real garbage disposals are prop comics.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> Any dinosaur that can breath fire is cool beans with me. If these pterodactyls are actually choking on the fire, somebody help them because I don’t know CPR. What do these guys have against Matt Hardy, though? He's just trying to get through the day and these guys already have a beef with him. Maybe he knows CPR and is doing nothing about it.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> A while ago, I showed my uncle this game. He says he likes his women how he likes his Matt Hardys — shirtless and horizontal. He's in jail now.<br />Fun Rating: 9 out of 10</span><br /><br /><br /><center><big><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Least Favourite</span></b></big></center><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Kofi Kingston's Bad Vibe Buster!</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHrI73lvu_PV-gdSOX5hRR7eJbmfuqJkHbpklRqNqLWdKidKYIrTiZLV1ahmEDzYlZ9BJf783YtfH6CJ2ErroEjJrYTq_PyhrSDaeeTAbx0goEllU7xVQCiBnT_BXIls2537Le/s1600/tskidplay9kofibuster.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 218px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500672920986206098" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHrI73lvu_PV-gdSOX5hRR7eJbmfuqJkHbpklRqNqLWdKidKYIrTiZLV1ahmEDzYlZ9BJf783YtfH6CJ2ErroEjJrYTq_PyhrSDaeeTAbx0goEllU7xVQCiBnT_BXIls2537Le/s400/tskidplay9kofibuster.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">That blue ball looks pretty miserable trying to do Kofi Kingston. That red ball seems ready, though. He can’t wait to get it on with Kofi and that blue ball.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> You are Kofi Kingston with a head that's big, but not as big as Randy Orton's head. Randy thinks Kofi's head is stupid. Kofi is a holy man who can walk on water, not unlike that man I read in that religious book once (<i>Crazy Joe and His Water Shoes</i>, published by Penguin Books). Your job is to defend the water against red, blue, and orange balls by shooting at them with smaller balls. Ew. You're hitting balls against other balls? What kind of game is this? I bet your sister likes this game.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> I'm glad Kofi Kingston is defending his home country of Jamaica. The last thing Jamaica needs is more balls.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> That's Ghana? What in the hell is a Ghana? Fudge this game. Your face is a Ghana.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> -1,000,000 out of 10<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">Santino Marella's Pizza Face!</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> At the Roman Coliseum, you are Santino Marella's face. Using your arrow keys to move around the picture, you must find slices of floating pepperoni pizza and stick them to your face. Attaching soccer balls to your face will double the speed of your face or stop it altogether for a moment. Collecting enough pizza splices within the time limit will send you to the next round.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> Pepperoni pizzas are my favourite type of pizza. I eat them all the time because they are made up of the most important food groups — cheese (dairy), pepperoni (meats), stuffed crust (vegetables), and cheese stuck to the cardboard box (fruits).<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> Santino Marella's face would never run around the Roman Coliseum like that, trying to stick pizza to itself. I've never been to Italy, but I'm guessing Italian people would rather eat pizza that is anywhere close to their faces. If I'm wrong, no wonder why that coliseum is in ruins. Gladiators were bouncing all over the place, looking for airborne pizza.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> 2 out of 10</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">The Undertaker's Ghost-Patrol!</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> Ghosts are haunting the WWE entrance set. As The Undertaker, you are given the task of leading these ghosts back into their spooky mansion. This mansion is located in the top left, top right, bottom left, and bottom right corners of every WWE entrance set. Beating each level will add to the number of ghosts you need to deal with on screen.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> Look, Mom. I'm a Ghostbuster. Watch me busts these ghosts. Are you watching? Mom? Mom. Watch what I do to these ghosts. Are you watching? Are you? Okay. Yeah. Take that, you dumb ghosts. Did you see that? I busted those ghosts good. Oh wait. You're not my mom. You're just The Undertaker, judging me from afar.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> You are not really The Undertaker. I see him, standing right there in the background, chilling in the mist. He doesn't give you orders or compliment you on a job well done. He just looks into the distance, wearing his hat and coat. Thanks for nothing, Deadman. I don't care if you're in a vegetative state. Every night, I am in a vegetative state for eight hours. I call it sleeping. I'm doing this for you.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> 3 out of 10<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">CM Punk vs. Hornswoggle Stink Off!</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYQx6a62NIk7oMJnjSKUOTo6ScxPVqW9DxjbPjH-jQN80kXcDg3DpmyLnvL5mbV8aLA6njPJvbk-WzRWC2iXssu0Fu9X6N8QDyD8sxnBCslcZAXRcvmtrmztBQyTra3fiZbiPM/s1600/tskidplay10punkswoggle.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 374px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500672802353902578" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYQx6a62NIk7oMJnjSKUOTo6ScxPVqW9DxjbPjH-jQN80kXcDg3DpmyLnvL5mbV8aLA6njPJvbk-WzRWC2iXssu0Fu9X6N8QDyD8sxnBCslcZAXRcvmtrmztBQyTra3fiZbiPM/s400/tskidplay10punkswoggle.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">What do CM Punk and Hornswoggle have in common? They find Mexican food painful, sad, promising, and stressful.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">Objective:</span> By clicking your left mouse button, follow the pattern of farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces until your parents stop arguing downstairs. In the night, wake up your brothers and sisters and peek through the staircase railing. What do you hear? Your parents are getting a divorce because they've raised a kid who likes playing a game about farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Likes:</span> That plate of Mexican food looks delicious. If you can't stand the nachos, get out of the kitchen and give them to me.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Dislikes:</span> Farts are hilarious. Faces that fart are not as hilarious.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fun Rating:</span> 1 out of 10<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Verdict: WWE Kids is for kids.</b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-67417362525812209232010-07-26T00:26:00.000-07:002010-07-26T00:26:00.681-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 95th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-R9HPNWfifi6QIvdD1VlSWw7mmC8lZ8b1f5kkICaX7wMte8CVQNnHmEOq606tJOUO7NYPcj5vLMcNyZjv61dkJ0NxQyvYwAwM0_t4N0cCYVSFjnu9-1Fy2GYdboKduPjRR11o/s1600/laylaskipper.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498064097090399906" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-R9HPNWfifi6QIvdD1VlSWw7mmC8lZ8b1f5kkICaX7wMte8CVQNnHmEOq606tJOUO7NYPcj5vLMcNyZjv61dkJ0NxQyvYwAwM0_t4N0cCYVSFjnu9-1Fy2GYdboKduPjRR11o/s400/laylaskipper.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>WWE Women's Championship Match<br />Layla (c) vs. Skipper Roberts</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Sister, sister, sister<br />So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey<br />Even though our mouths don't open that way<br />Wall to no wall, storey to open storey<br />This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)<br /><br />You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)<br />You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)<br /><br />Ooh, these clothes are wool, tonight is cool<br />I'm feeling itchy, tell Mattel to manufacture a backscratcher soon<br />I'm dressed for a winter holiday, but where is the snow?<br />And how come there's only one black person we know?<br /><br />Sister, sister, sister<br />So all my girls in my sister's dream house say hey<br />Even though our mouths don't open that way<br />Wall to no wall, storey to open storey<br />This living area was poorly made (sister, sister)<br /><br />You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)<br />You’re not insured, so try not to fall off the third floor head first (sister, sister)</i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />Years ago, ECW and I had a One Night Stand. One year later, we had a second One Night Stand. After TNA's Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand, ECW is going to have to make a decision. Are we going to take this relationship to the next level or not?<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Tell the devil he can go back from where he came. His fiery arrows drew their bead in vain.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-11652299543891619362010-07-26T00:17:00.000-07:002010-07-26T00:17:00.869-07:00Kid Play: Part 1<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv1BE58u5bf2ydSiTDrKMBOqr4bCLoWxQBayOdw9S5Hz7wp-bD7CDDOmfUQ8R0OYVA73HYdV2cvaB_AYtQwH-aIB4-yh-b7AXeEdmljLfs2BGkDjzoOczcTJ4ydHQ8pa_hC7h9/s1600/tskidplay.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498047619241504498" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv1BE58u5bf2ydSiTDrKMBOqr4bCLoWxQBayOdw9S5Hz7wp-bD7CDDOmfUQ8R0OYVA73HYdV2cvaB_AYtQwH-aIB4-yh-b7AXeEdmljLfs2BGkDjzoOczcTJ4ydHQ8pa_hC7h9/s400/tskidplay.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">As most of you readers know, World Wrestling Entertainment and I have our disagreements. Sometimes, we settle our arguments with a mechanical bull riding competition. Other times, we fight to the death in a cage made of hate, but primarily steel. Despite our differences, we can always agree on one thing — children are great. You can't live with them, especially if you grabbed them off the playground and tried to raise them as your own. Also, you can't live without them, especially if you have forced them to financially support you by working as gophers in the Colombian drug trade.<br /><br />Since kids are super cool, why should adult wrestling fans have all the WWE-related fun? Children love wearing black t-shirts featuring enormous and emotionless pictures of their favourite wrestlers on the front, too. The young ones enjoy attending autograph sessions to meet stars who enjoy feigning interest in them. When they're not visiting their local library to enrich their minds, these little lads and lasses can't get enough of reading obscure wrestling facts on the Internet. Thanks to WWE Kids, the promotion is beginning to understand that the entertainment needs of a child are as important as those of a grown man, woman, or person of androgynous persuasion.<br /><br />Even though I am no longer a kid, I do remember what it was like living the carefree life of one. I remember such timeless activities as playing kickball on the field, picking up jacks in the alley, and setting up a clandestine lemonade stand in my parents' garage. Those sour fruit junkies sure dug their lemonade. They drank that lemonade until teeth started falling out of their mouths. Even then, they would continue to drink, using their remaining teeth to sift out any traces of pulp.<br /><br />Using my life experiences as a regular, yacht club kid growing up in a gated community, I shall interact with WWE Kids's official website from a child's perspective. As I take off my analytic adult gloves, I shall put on my whimsical kid gloves and softly box the site to a no-decision. Afterwards, we will sip on the lemonade I made when I was younger. All I have to do is get in touch with my special flavour crystals supplier. I think his name was Skooter. He can hook me up with the good stuff. Capri Sun does not get the job done anymore.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Superstar Sayings</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW318oI8t_Yi1CXQxmSjDtseKzyk9XylwylumR4pQ03JedeoSuYxPom_NKzFAb78ex9tIHGaZtUBmE-fgsXgWnYQaTVFAHV7ZCcU5HZ8SPeAa7rBHB0hoda18aeEWCWzNTtTUi/s1600/tskidplay1codypage.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 351px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498047545099115890" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW318oI8t_Yi1CXQxmSjDtseKzyk9XylwylumR4pQ03JedeoSuYxPom_NKzFAb78ex9tIHGaZtUBmE-fgsXgWnYQaTVFAHV7ZCcU5HZ8SPeAa7rBHB0hoda18aeEWCWzNTtTUi/s400/tskidplay1codypage.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Who is this guy?</span></small></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Superstars page at WWEKids.com seems fun at first, what with all the splatters and bright colours. Once you get underneath that surface, I think you'll be in for a surprise. When you get to the page, you have the option to hover your mouse over the picture of your favourite WWE Superstar and hear a sound bite. While some wrestlers have a snippet of their entrance theme, others come at you with a disturbing catchphrase. These are a few of the most offensive lines:<br /><br />Undertaker: "And you will rest in peace."<br />Ted DiBiase: "We, uh, DiBiases... we have a habit of getting what we want."<br />Edge: "I am awesome."<br />MVP: "MVP. I'm half-man, half-amazing. I am better than you."<br />Cody Rhodes: "Cody. Rhodes."<br /><br />I came to your site because I am child interested in WWE. When I arrive, I do not deserve death threats from a professional wrestler. I do not need to hear from people who are unsure or confused about their own identity either. You are not The Miz, Edge. I should not be belittled by an individual who is only 50% male. You are not CM Punk, MVP. That comment by Cody Rhodes is fine, though. I didn't know who he was until he told me. Other than that, I am so sad and mad right now.<br /><br />You know, I could be doing something more productive with my time on the web. The other day, this 8th grader was in the school computer room. He turned on the computer and started watching a video of two girls in a bathtub without shirts, pants, or underwear. They were trying to clean each other with their body parts. I kind of want to see that because I don't like taking baths. You’re making me want to see that video more and more, WWE Kids. Maybe those girls have a solution to my problem. Maybe I should take my business elsewhere, you doo-doo heads.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">In My Own Words... The About Me Page</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfRch3QynGGNQ4Jo4FasbxGQmgOlSSAwc-T4kDUOXmA5MivKQAZhRVpQcF2wthLcFK4P0lImwUG6Hp09p6uEBOQMwYzCBkwt5x4IMS687uQaYkB0ksJjKC_0u4lqrhBqkcD7wf/s1600/tskidplay2aboutme.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 159px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498056251996470674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfRch3QynGGNQ4Jo4FasbxGQmgOlSSAwc-T4kDUOXmA5MivKQAZhRVpQcF2wthLcFK4P0lImwUG6Hp09p6uEBOQMwYzCBkwt5x4IMS687uQaYkB0ksJjKC_0u4lqrhBqkcD7wf/s400/tskidplay2aboutme.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">This doesn't have enough "Your Mom" references. I have failed.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Have you ever wondered what your favourite WWE Superstars' farts smell like? Even if you haven't, you should know about the diverse toots of RAW and SmackDown talent. Not only do their farts give you a look into the lives of the stars themselves, but they can tell about what they love to eat. Since Chris Jericho's farts smell like roses and elderberries, he must enjoy eating inedible flowers and edible fruit from trees. Although, he will only eat them if he can correctly answer six out of ten questions about former U.S. Presidents in 60 seconds. If he can’t answer them in that time, the roses and elderberries will leave a conveyor belt and fall off a tall building.<br /><br />The Superstar Questionnaire at WWEKids.com shows a side of wrestlers that we rarely get to see on television. They may be larger-than-life personalities today, but yesterday, they were kids like us, sharing the same dream. Ever since we were born, you and I hoped to make millions, travelling the world while pretending to hate each other in our colourful briefs. Until we achieve that dream, I have filled out my own questionnaire. I know who I'm going to be. Who will you be?<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The WWE Kids Calendar</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinle0kWWDBcBrzdFY1YE8y7hjnZKu9lY_j9EB_WsG-W6CuJlGwxSii9r6MFSSuG9n902Smtx7fGinfKlKS1tK8ZaLKKxbWobMOV1w43fJ3BLn-EKYIt6SQKV4hONbjtMtVkcjI/s1600/tskidplay3julycalendar.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 294px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498047369397804690" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinle0kWWDBcBrzdFY1YE8y7hjnZKu9lY_j9EB_WsG-W6CuJlGwxSii9r6MFSSuG9n902Smtx7fGinfKlKS1tK8ZaLKKxbWobMOV1w43fJ3BLn-EKYIt6SQKV4hONbjtMtVkcjI/s400/tskidplay3julycalendar.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">July is National Parks & Recreation Month. If you have visited a park in the past few days, but did not do any recreational activities, you did not celebrate the month right. Try again.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Unlike WWE.com, the WWE Kids website has a neat calendar full of reminders and facts. Apparently, living like an adult these past few years has made me miss several important holidays. Curse you, grown-up responsibilities. Nobody taught me how to successfully save my money. For weeks, I visited farms, searching for a pig with a slot on its back to hold my coins. Now that I have found my local bank, I feel as though I have wasted the better part of the month. I never got to commemorate the two-year-anniversary of Mark Henry bending a frying pan (July 15), or wish a happy 20th birthday to Harry Potter (July 23). Thanks a lot, WWE Kids.<br /><br />With July ending and August about to begin, school is still out and us kids are looking for fun. In place of throwing the ball around or “accidentally” setting each other's siblings on fire, I will look at the WWE Kids Calendar for ideas. On July 28th, WWE Kids suggest we celebrate the 77th anniversary of the first singing telegram by singing to a friend. I don't know about you, but I think we have ourselves a wicked Wednesday. I will go get the lyric sheet to N.W.A.'s "F Tha Police." Once we got the song down, we can sing it a cappella style to passing police cars. The message of "F Tha Police" is to find the police and thank them for their many years of service to the community. Let’s do it.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">WWE Television for Kids</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQIuLADPq3Oq0IL4OTvSby-LDyHetgSOdpsGB2jTWFt9Rg1G3m0PcHkOoBmBZdWPjdRFjCGSKYuWtwqhWByCu6QIs7a9Y_jMaVlI_xfJkeqKp1mF7FEdcHzAK1y2b5NAWP2yEm/s1600/tskidplay4awesomevideos.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 174px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498047232128862962" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQIuLADPq3Oq0IL4OTvSby-LDyHetgSOdpsGB2jTWFt9Rg1G3m0PcHkOoBmBZdWPjdRFjCGSKYuWtwqhWByCu6QIs7a9Y_jMaVlI_xfJkeqKp1mF7FEdcHzAK1y2b5NAWP2yEm/s400/tskidplay4awesomevideos.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Hold up, Triple H and The Undertaker. I am all for both of you entering the ring, but I'm not old enough to watch what you're doing next. I need an adult, or maybe two.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">What is the difference between WWE television for adults and kids, you say? Based on the site, television for kids is made up of two things. The first thing is every wrestling entrance on RAW, SmackDown, NXT, ECW in the past five years. If you are a modern wrestler with two legs who can walk down a ramp on your own, you will be part of WWE Kids TV. Due to suggestive content and adult situations, the second thing is videos that require parental supervision. Moms and dads should watch WWE with us, but I doubt they will want to after reading the descriptions.<br /><br />Due to his bicep injury, I'm glad Hunter Hearst Helmsley is keeping himself busy outside of the ring. On the other hand, I don't think he should be going around town like that. He shouldn’t be showing his doodad to boys and girls in MVP's "VIP Lounge," let alone on the web. Kids like me don't own clubs or anything, but I'm sure Triple H being there wouldn't be good for business. No grown up I know would say, "Here's something we can do this Saturday night. Let's go to that club where Triple is sledgehammering the air with his Prince of Princes." Gross.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">This Issue</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjA0p3BMdeBuNftbeDwPJ_cvXDPaVcaYrYtbnSxThn-bVuFqVG06euTIcHBRBdxdxguqRWlLrnW0aYmZVMqPBh2r_VcHOQDpf9sZAEJ3qihZKBH2UGAdTlivVlcEe7re3Ujus7/s1600/tskidplay5cena.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 119px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498047114086494498" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjA0p3BMdeBuNftbeDwPJ_cvXDPaVcaYrYtbnSxThn-bVuFqVG06euTIcHBRBdxdxguqRWlLrnW0aYmZVMqPBh2r_VcHOQDpf9sZAEJ3qihZKBH2UGAdTlivVlcEe7re3Ujus7/s400/tskidplay5cena.jpg" /></a> <center><b><small><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">I knew it.</span></small></b></center><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For kids without money to spend on magazines, they can pretend to read one by checking out a online preview. In the summer 2010 issue of WWE Kids Magazine, we will live out our second dream — seeing thumbprints made up to look like WWE Superstars. For years, I have wondered how the heads and torsos of Chris Jericho (“The Best in the World at What He Touches”), Sheamus (Smudgus), and Dolph Ziggler (Dolph Finger) would look like as thumbprints. Now that two out of two dreams have come true, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should do what Triple H does and reveal all to WWE Kids.<br /><br />Also, WWE Kids Magazine have given us such rare treats as a photo gallery of today's best wrestlers. In this issue, we have visual proof that Cena is a wizard who loves the WWE Universe. At the same time, Edge is the ultimate opportunist who can keep himself balanced on the ropes at the perfect opportunity. In Newcastle, England, MVP has took a day off from managing the VIP Lounge due to Triple H violating healthy and safety codes. I think the health inspector wants a word with him.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;">TO BE CONTINUED</span></b></center>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-75567101433774884692010-07-19T00:28:00.000-07:002010-07-19T00:28:00.127-07:00Additions: The Underblader<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5ZojkwM6QD8CBnQKlVTNur6c_BORNTuNKQsEXwozXTUef0uBhUL41i5Za356aeyp3olIK3E8e3KFGJugAZMD0-2Ckz9cM2oyMwj6l2sS-yjq7eo_Z3BG_zMdZkVDRCRKU5FZb/s1600/tsadditionsunderblader.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495468145501848354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5ZojkwM6QD8CBnQKlVTNur6c_BORNTuNKQsEXwozXTUef0uBhUL41i5Za356aeyp3olIK3E8e3KFGJugAZMD0-2Ckz9cM2oyMwj6l2sS-yjq7eo_Z3BG_zMdZkVDRCRKU5FZb/s400/tsadditionsunderblader.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />Hitting Mark Henry with a plastic garbage bin and the garbage inside of it hurts him, but you know what it hurts more? Mother Nature.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Okay, we wrote this for a purpose, to motivate you at this time. With this hypnotizing bassline, please feel free to lose your mind.</i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-38194091458337289352010-07-19T00:23:00.000-07:002010-07-19T00:23:00.059-07:00Counter Attack<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAaHQpRmWzHraldfBye3uTXWiKOF4Ffh0d8FOmAYubHVFv8bbn9T6G2YQjF_DYDh7OPC0deevwujVLkMrtvZu2Hf_DJmWsQmOUQ4XzA-tj0fKdTIJqgLuZOvbJ3Y_Zbd4_JidL/s1600/tscounterattack.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495452202968529570" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAaHQpRmWzHraldfBye3uTXWiKOF4Ffh0d8FOmAYubHVFv8bbn9T6G2YQjF_DYDh7OPC0deevwujVLkMrtvZu2Hf_DJmWsQmOUQ4XzA-tj0fKdTIJqgLuZOvbJ3Y_Zbd4_JidL/s400/tscounterattack.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Randy Orton's RKO counter to Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press has left me speechless. Truly, I am so speechless that I have been unable to verbally communicate with my friends and family for the past week. In place of trying to express my thoughts and feelings through text, I have been reduced to speaking to them through move reversal.<br /><br />If I counter a Shooting Star Press into an RKO, that means yes. If I counter a Shooting Star Press into a Shooting Star Press of my own, that means I'm thirsty. If I blink twice, that means nothing as that is not a wrestling counter. Maybe I should have thought this means of communication through, but it's too late now. My grandma — whose wrestling style is most similar to that of a technical brawler — already signed up for wrestling lessons to learn how to do the move. At this point, her deposit is non-refundable.<br /><br />Wrestling counters have wowed audiences for decades, dramatically ending matches in the blink of an eye — which continues to have no meaning in my method of communication. In a time when older fans are constantly complaining about the predictability of WWE, quick counters are a way to add suspense and surprise to the viewing experience. The next time a fellow wrestling fan hates on WWE, quickly counter his hate into love. He must learn that witnessing a fast-paced, well-executed counter is like finding a Cheeto made of two Cheetos stuck together in a bag of Cheetos. He probably wasn’t expecting to receive such a gift, but he should grateful to get one in the first place.<br /><br />This week, I will take a look at my favourite counters in professional wrestling. While some reversals involve gravity-defying acrobatics, others employ simple yet clever tactics to escape a hold. As much as I enjoy watching an intricate series of actions and reactions, a poke to the eye or rake to the back can suffice as well. On second thought, if the move that is being reversed is a poke to the back, I want nothing to do with it. A poke to the back is disrespectful, inconvenient, and may result in unwanted pregnancy.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle -----> Rolling Inside Cradle</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">You call it an athletic sequence of pin attempts between two talented cruiserweights. I call it "The Travelling Live Sex Celebration." Together, we can agree that a sequence of rolling inside cradles is a flashy, fun, and erotic form of entertainment for wrestling fans of any age. If you are a mother or father of curious children, do not bother trying to explain your intimate escapades to them. If they walk into your bedroom, tell them you're practicing Lucha Libre, figuring out who can cradle the other the best. Your English-speaking kids will think you're speaking gibberish. On the other hand, your illegitimate, Spanish-speaking kids will love it as much as they want you to love them.<br /><br />Who is that woman? Where is Guadalupe, their real mother? Oh, those crazy, illegitimate children and their questions.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Side Effect -----> Counter Side Effect?</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. Likewise, the counter to Matt Hardy's Side Effect can be best described as a forceful, sit-down side slam. To this day, I do fully understand what Matt Hardy's Side Effect accomplishes. Of course, the move can effectively incapacitate your opponent for a near-three count, but it does so at the expense of the executor's modern physical appearance.<br /><br />As long as he is content with constantly looking like he is trapped in the late 1990s, I am happy for Matt Hardy and his Side Effect. He seems like such a good person. If he enjoys slamming his opponent back-first onto the mat while he himself slams his back onto the mat, more power to him. Now, let’s go listen to some New Radicals.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Jackhammer -----> Diamond Cutter</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Halloween Havoc 1998 was a WCW Pay-Per-View event that proved two things. For one, the Pay-Per-View proved that giant ghouls love to show off their inflatable pumpkins to people. For two, the main event WCW Championship Match between Diamond Dallas Page and Goldberg proved that Billiam could get it done. When he was not blowing smoke out of his nostrils or abusing innocent lockers, he was more than capable of wrestling in a professional manner. On top of making his moves look good, he made the moves of others look good, too.<br /><br />Most definitely, the sight of Page flawlessly countering Goldberg's Jackhammer into the Diamond Cutter is a fond wrestling memory of mine. Whenever I come across this match, I yearn for the return of World Championship Wrestling. I don't think I ever got closure on this Halloween Havoc business. That ghoul on the entrance ramp loved his pumpkin, but posters for the event made it seem as though he loved Slim Jims just as much. Which does he love more? Pumpkins or beef jerky? I need an answer, ghoul friend.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Springboard Something -----> Sweet Chin Music</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In 2005, Shelton Benjamin looked to advance in the WWE Championship Gold Rush Tournament with a high-impact, springboard move. As he sprung himself from one end of the ring to the other, Shawn Michaels caught him in mid-air with the sweetest Sweet Chin Music in recent WWE history. At the time, I was like any other viewer, shocked and amazed by what I saw before me. Now that I have revisited the match, I am in awe of another aspect of the finish. Specifically, I want to know what move Shelton Benjamin was trying to do before eating said Superkick.<br /><br />Some wrestling analysts believe that Benjamin was aiming to hit Michaels with a springboard clothesline. Although I see the springboard part of the move, I was not aware that a clothesline involves raising both hands in front of your face. Other wrestling fans insist that Shelton was looking to hit a double axe handle, but I disagree. Propelling yourself off the top rope to hit a double axe handle is like taking a fourteen-hour flight to China to buy groceries. From my observations, I conclude that this spectacular finish was initiated by Shelton showing Shawn his love for springboarding. Unfortunately, Michaels did not share Shelton’s passion for the activity.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Sweet Chin Music -----> Ball Punch</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Before he was "The Viper" — acting like a snake who somehow injures himself while taunting — Randy Orton was "The Legend Testikiller." During a 2007 WWE Championship Match against Shawn Michaels, Orton executed a beautiful, legend-killing counter to Sweet Chin Music. As Michaels tuned up the band and lifted his leg, Randy drove his fist into the Heartbreak Kid's groin. Even though the blow did not put an end to his wrestling career, Shawn’s baby-making career was in jeopardy.<br /><br />Three years later, Shawn's inability to reproduce drove him mad. Looking for an outlet to express his anger and frustration, he would take it out on the Undertaker — who only experienced slight groinal pain when slipping on the top rope for Old School.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Pedigree/Outsider's Edge ------> Back Body Drop Out of the Ring</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Are you Triple H? If you are not Triple H, are you Scott Hall? If you are Triple H or Scott Hall, I would refrain from attempting your finishing move near the ropes. Not only will you not have room to properly execute the finisher, you are giving your opponent the perfect opportunity to lift you up and over those ropes.<br /><br />While I am a big fan of this counter, the move has made me scared to do anything near a set of ropes or rope-like barrier. In vacation photos at high altitudes, I am often located at least ten metres away from the barrier. At that height, I fear that a fellow tourist will flip me over the barricade and send me falling to my death. Perhaps I should stop setting other tourists up for the Pedigree and Outsider's Edge, but that's the way I travel. I don’t think I could enjoy the sight of the Grand Canyon if I couldn’t nail some elderly vacationers from Iowa with a finisher or five.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Irish Whip -----> Turnbuckle Flip</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Thanks to Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, I need not adhere to the laws of physics anymore. Ever since I first witnessed them counter an Irish whip into a corner flip over the turnbuckles, I have laughed in the face of physicists (the true enemies of professional wrestling). They claim that an object cannot possibly change its own trajectory while in motion. I claim that a moving object (my fist) can change its own trajectory when in search of a ignorant, ugly surface to punch (their faces).<br /><br />Recently, I invaded the estate of Sir Isaac Newton and showed his ancestors a recording of the counter. After refusing to leave the living room, his family tried to Irish whip me off their property. In turn, I flipped over their fence and maniacally cackled all the way home. A truck ended up clotheslining me as I showed off on the sidewalk, but at least I proved my point.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Powerbomb -----> Facebuster</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In his tank-top-and-jean-shorts heyday, Billy Kidman was famous for countering any and all powerbomb attempts into a facebuster. Even wrestlers who never had the move in their arsenal would try to force Kidman down via powerbomb, only for Billy to bust their faces onto the canvas instead. Kidman's love for this counter suggests me to that this is how he prefers to live his life. At first, Torrie Wilson approved of his uncanny ability to reverse everything into a face buster. As time passed, she grew restless with him as Billy would not stop hitting the counter in the bedroom. On their divorce papers, Torrie states that the reason why they could not make the marriage work was due to "irreconcilable differences into facebuster."<br /><br />My admiration for Kidman's facebuster has not let up, but I do feel sorry for the man who popularized the move. While I wish to personally congratulate Billy Kidman on a counter well done, I quite like the current state of my face. Once I decide to bust it, I shall give him a call.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Foot Catch -----> Step-over Spinning Heel Kick</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For years, Rob Van Dam has caught unsuspecting foes with his patented step-over spinning heel kick. After thousands of matches, you would think that his opponents would know when the move was coming, yet they keep on falling for it. I'm not sure why they fail to anticipate the counter, but I do have a theory. Whenever a wrestler catches Rob Van Dam's foot in his hands, he must be engaging in some sort of complicated role-playing game.<br /><br />In this game, the wrestler is the police officer. Rob Van Dam's foot is a shirtless Rob Van Dam speeding down the highway in his rental car with his friend Sabu. Also, Rob Van Dam's foot smells like marijuana and butt sweat.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Punch/Kick -----> Stick Your Chest Out Like A Boss</span></b></center><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">As a general rule, I do not condone fighting unless you are doing so for a good cause. For your information, fighting to impress a girl, acquire free lunches, or initiate a national cheerleading competition are excellent causes. In the event that you find yourself in a schoolyard or office fight, I suggest you take a page from classic wrestling video games. When a punch or kick comes along, you must thrust your chest forward.<br /><br />Thank you, THQ games on the Nintendo 64, for teaching us that sticking out your chest is the solution to everything. Out of the 1,256 unsanctioned fights I had as a youngling after school, I won 1,253 of them by sticking out my chest with an intense glare. As my finishing move, I would usually take a large block of cheese or oversized can of Steveweiser from the crowd of onlookers and hit my enemy over the head with it. Finally, a caricature of Earl Hebner would appear in front of us and count the pinfall. I was ecstatic about every victory, yet my one, blocky facial expression said otherwise.<br /><br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-42646209362828233102010-07-12T00:48:00.000-07:002010-07-12T00:48:00.655-07:00Additions: General Electric<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje_fkD_aSBSGGvDgr5UScKON318DI-w5aKB1Oqadu-4sDHjIH8tHJeEyKYSEFKkyeKLSybgdShD6DgFzA7LFVRZpY4-UozPG9LJhdpfEqJW9EbNBIesZmrd8QKJ3vg85LmXVe3/s1600/tsadditionsgeneralelectric.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492798594692865090" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje_fkD_aSBSGGvDgr5UScKON318DI-w5aKB1Oqadu-4sDHjIH8tHJeEyKYSEFKkyeKLSybgdShD6DgFzA7LFVRZpY4-UozPG9LJhdpfEqJW9EbNBIesZmrd8QKJ3vg85LmXVe3/s400/tsadditionsgeneralelectric.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;">*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />I will live like Alberto Del Rio. I wish to be a highly educated, well-dressed, and honourable hermit.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.</span></i></b></center>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-40139753367260327722010-07-12T00:41:00.000-07:002010-07-12T00:41:00.582-07:00Whistling Dixie<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2q_zhnX916KEbSV1Kzi4GP1XWnpJF_u-n4fXegy4qsbTeTogfbFwHw8xyRH_01SsNkAG1oz_AgZi_uj2QRoDT-xbiHdkUljMEbImVYCzqRYtMpoTewCD6KnVNgYuvoDKQUo09/s1600/tswhistlingdixie.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783451375692946" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2q_zhnX916KEbSV1Kzi4GP1XWnpJF_u-n4fXegy4qsbTeTogfbFwHw8xyRH_01SsNkAG1oz_AgZi_uj2QRoDT-xbiHdkUljMEbImVYCzqRYtMpoTewCD6KnVNgYuvoDKQUo09/s400/tswhistlingdixie.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In the wrestling community, few authority figures are as respected and revered as promoter Dixie Carter. When people aren't confusing her with the late actress who starred in <i>Designing Women</i>, they are praising Dixie for her business savvy and wrestling knowledge. Among my peers, she is known as a M.I.L.F.O.T.S. (Mother I'd Like to Feature on the Site) due to her astounding level of success in the personal and professional world. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is lucky to have such a vibrant and lovely woman at the helm. Jeff Jarrett did nothing for me, but I am sure he is vibrant and lovely to someone.<br /><br />So far, every executive decision made by Dixie Carter has altered TNA for the better. Bringing in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to work their creative and productive juices into the promotion brought TNA back to the good old days of early 2000 WCW. Briefly moving TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights as a means to compete with WWE RAW encouraged viewers to appreciate the value of watching the show on Thursdays. The signing of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair served as a grim yet necessary reminder of our own mortality. With TNA Pay-Per-View buy rates hovering at and around the range of five glorious figures, Dixie deserves most if not all the credit.<br /><br />Lately, certain gutless analysts have criticized Dixie Carter's unorthodox views and opinions about the wrestling industry and life in general. For some inexplicable reason, these critics have even gone as far to attack her Twitter posts — which they believe contain cryptic and passive-aggressive messages directed toward them. Although I strongly disagree with these so-called critics, I have decided to analyze the posts for myself to determine what Dixie actually wishes to communicate. Once I complete this process, I shall prove that these attackers are nothing more than uneducated slanderers.<br /><br />Regular folk should be glad that Dixie is willing to take time out of her busy schedule and interact with them. She could be doing something more productive, such as manufacture a popular brand of paper cups or collect bananas with her boyfriend Diddy in his Kong Quest, but she chose to speak with you. I wish I could be like Dixie and interact with my fanbase, but I am currently in a legal battle with a foolish man. He claims to be me, owns a Twitter account in my name, and managed to link my site to his account without my knowledge or consent. If he wasn't so attractive, funny, and charming, I would be furious.<br /><br /></span><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Tragic: The Posting</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyGtlZwv6Ygi9ueKlt-Ts7Ij0SlwuIXwisRtUfJo9sIkuZiuRB5ze-sm1fh-MPqCW8C9rSzIUdNwz_cKfjEL6XkCqlJAPKKjdQZzLC0YgornqIf11eTXHLq-g9sFEn8qQ7WhK3/s1600/tswhistlingdixie1.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 59px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783373831585490" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyGtlZwv6Ygi9ueKlt-Ts7Ij0SlwuIXwisRtUfJo9sIkuZiuRB5ze-sm1fh-MPqCW8C9rSzIUdNwz_cKfjEL6XkCqlJAPKKjdQZzLC0YgornqIf11eTXHLq-g9sFEn8qQ7WhK3/s400/tswhistlingdixie1.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In this post, an exhausted Dixie Carter claims that a TNA Adrenaline Rush is better than sleep. Eight hours spent lying comfortably on a mattress is no match for two hours spent watching 1,000 tourists enjoy air conditioning at the same time. Too bad those sweaty dudes flipping at each other in the foreground don't get to cool off for a bit. Truly, it's no wonder why TNA has so many storylines and feuds based on unexpected betrayal. Nobody would need to tire themselves out and get sweaty if every member of the TNA roster decided not to form a tag team.<br /><br />While this message is fairly positive, Dixie's reference to a midnight "MTG" is clearly a shot at passionate, collectible card gamers. For those of you who prefer to play <i>Magic: The Gathering</i> in the daytime, Dixie is having none of it. Like other cool people who are not lame nerds, she prefers acquiring mana at around 12:00 a.m. in the morning. She's not going to cast spells at brunch. Get at her.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Brother Raymond and his Three-Dimensional, Permanent Angry Face</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GH5L1qmOr43S91Oo6bEMZY1MLUqp9islook4LKe7_gQyihon3g2FFYi4hhWY9x0gaIxBVSMt2kMNTd56d56Bx2npQi4toVBwyW3_nV-tRzvkdWux0_eaDwv-MxpGWJIQiSkk/s1600/tswhistlingdixie2.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 59px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783307903358946" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GH5L1qmOr43S91Oo6bEMZY1MLUqp9islook4LKe7_gQyihon3g2FFYi4hhWY9x0gaIxBVSMt2kMNTd56d56Bx2npQi4toVBwyW3_nV-tRzvkdWux0_eaDwv-MxpGWJIQiSkk/s400/tswhistlingdixie2.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">This time, Dixie is happy to inform the loyal fans of TNA that the sport of soccer and football are one in the same. Although American football is arguably the most popular sport in the country, Dixie is the only woman who understands the true form of football. In particular, she knows that actual football involves the use of a body part known as the foot. In a future post, I expect Dixie to tell these fans where that part is located on the body. International stars already know the foot's exact location, but is Brother Ray aware? Since he is not an international star, I doubt it.<br /><br />According to this post, Bubba Ray is likely the only American soccer fan on the TNA roster. Despite USA's strong showing at the World Cup, I assume Bubba's fandom got the best of him. When USA lost to Ghana, he must have felt as though the world was coming down upon him, specifically injuring his butt with the impact of fifty Bubba Bombs.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Penultimate Fighting Championship</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRtIdqtudlWwrxrPx2UdCmLi0RmOwCSJJ52386bpCyeG2TZl8A1iKOF_fZDUKgz5dp9ox5R8UelsdaiSBexQncg5xJ8wM9-ysh6QLt_ymE1wFpKZgpzuQCUE3mNIquitIhUED/s1600/tswhistlingdixie3.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 36px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783251723739730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRtIdqtudlWwrxrPx2UdCmLi0RmOwCSJJ52386bpCyeG2TZl8A1iKOF_fZDUKgz5dp9ox5R8UelsdaiSBexQncg5xJ8wM9-ysh6QLt_ymE1wFpKZgpzuQCUE3mNIquitIhUED/s400/tswhistlingdixie3.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The recent release of <i>TNA iMPACT!</i> for the Playstation Portable and Nintendo DS excites Dixie muchly. On second thought, she seems a little too excited for a video game she might never play. Yesterday, I contacted a few inside sources in the industry. They told me that Dixie has another superstar signing to announce. If you are a fan of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may know UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre. Even though TNA does not have the money to sign him up for an appearance or two, you guys and gals are in for the next best thing. Any day now, get ready for the debut of Philippe St-Pierre — Georges St-Pierre's distant and estranged brother.<br /><br />Georges St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Strangely enough, Philippe St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, too. Do not ask him where he got the belt, though. Just be content that Philippe is in possession of one until George can contact the authorities. After researching his name on Google, TNA fans should know that PSP is not only a trained mixed martial artist. During the weekends, he works part-time at a store that sells musical instruments. Nice. I can hear it now. Every time he wrestles, fans will be chanting for discount tubas.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">All I Have to Do is Dreamer</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1XkRc3iK8zCdTiu8N8nm8bT04a-RL6smqOImGcu3QOgpSUd5Ve_tz3TnfxtjuhrVJT_Z-_C_LxwfCMHyF73YbMqIj_cir2pkTtEmXH3YRzQWxZriQqnWiDWZDMhH67MZK2IWz/s1600/tswhistlingdixie4.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 59px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783182315017746" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1XkRc3iK8zCdTiu8N8nm8bT04a-RL6smqOImGcu3QOgpSUd5Ve_tz3TnfxtjuhrVJT_Z-_C_LxwfCMHyF73YbMqIj_cir2pkTtEmXH3YRzQWxZriQqnWiDWZDMhH67MZK2IWz/s400/tswhistlingdixie4.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Wait a Nashville, Tennessean minute, Dixie. Hold onto your delicate undergarments, lady. Dreamer's influence on TNA has been rather beneficial and entertaining, especially to me as I can now confirm that Rhyno, Raven, and Stevie Richards are alive and well. Nevertheless, do not get too hot and bothered in the pelvic region for Tommy Dreamer. Any twelve-year-old knows that when a girl says, "the more extreme the better," they are legally obligated to reply with the phrase, "That's what she said." The petals were plucked from your flower a long while ago, though that does not mean you should communicate your explicit thoughts on the Internet.<br /><br />For goodness sake, you are the strong female figurehead of a national wrestling promotion. At least you salvaged this post by mentioning your flagship program by its appropriate name. If you didn't clarify what type of impact you meant, who knows what those twelve year olds would say? Maybe they could say, "You're anticipating an impact alright. An impact in your pants."<br /><br />From now on, please keep suggestive thoughts to yourself.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">The Vatican Zone</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLzaLDIjqr2GW29CSSv3g-FIjn5xSqD3LS5De8uC5r3Xqewb47PxmUtGRYgWia2RewrJEaMmwDqNqiNE2RiMzb8HzELEeI36kyeUPxCfKDigTZar18kcGo73Io3FHIx0zKxnV/s1600/tswhistlingdixie5.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 59px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783126626030290" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLzaLDIjqr2GW29CSSv3g-FIjn5xSqD3LS5De8uC5r3Xqewb47PxmUtGRYgWia2RewrJEaMmwDqNqiNE2RiMzb8HzELEeI36kyeUPxCfKDigTZar18kcGo73Io3FHIx0zKxnV/s400/tswhistlingdixie5.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">For weeks, TNA fans tossed and turned in their TNA Adrenaline Rushes as D'Angelo Dinero dropped down the rankings. While I am happy that he has finally returned to keep himself in the Top 10, I do not share the same level of enthusiasm that Dixie conveys in this message. D'Angelo Dinero is a talented Pope, but I was hoping that Dixie was hinting at the debut of a second, injury-free Pope. I’m sorry to say that the durability of Popes in TNA has come into question. I highly doubt Dinero’s shoulder injury allowed him to keep his pimp hand strong. Many pimping Popes before him were forced to retire after suffering such ligament damage. Whose to say that Dinero will be any different?<br /><br />When I refer to the possibility of signing a new Pope, I'm talking about big names such as Pope Benedict XVI or the real Pope (Todd Grisham). For all I know, Dixie could have been talking with Pope Todd Grisham, only to come out of those contact talks with nothing. Perhaps she shouldn't have offered to buy him a new robe. If I was Pope Todd Grisham, I would find that offer most insulting. His suit, glasses, and gelled hair are his robe. He may not condone sex before marriage, but he is all about the mousse.<br /><br /><br /></span><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">In Dependence Day</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxC7uFpH-3h1EytuKm7YpUqlN1DkKKRbzG6P_ejknO4NNj4xrZK5gvVA0zsvOMFGnry94k-38ptVA_IcusYiq64f1aIDFMr0OXJb1N65p-7UlBwAnR3lvlDqmVWe5pj0Ub-NYK/s1600/tswhistlingdixie6.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 48px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492783062624811314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxC7uFpH-3h1EytuKm7YpUqlN1DkKKRbzG6P_ejknO4NNj4xrZK5gvVA0zsvOMFGnry94k-38ptVA_IcusYiq64f1aIDFMr0OXJb1N65p-7UlBwAnR3lvlDqmVWe5pj0Ub-NYK/s400/tswhistlingdixie6.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">As a female of United States citizenship, Dixie wishes that her fellow Americans and non-Americans can come together and safely use fireworks without setting each other aflame. Her humble admiration for the men and women who dedicate their lives to preserving American's freedom and independence tells me that she has been on a patriotic entertainment kick as of late. I think someone caught a late-night showing of <i>Independence Day</i> on cable and wants to join in on the fun.<br /><br />In this scenario, Dixie Carter is Will Smith, welcoming aliens to Earth via punch to the face. Jeff Jarrett is Bill Pullman, flying his jet into the mothership to save the world. If Paul Heyman is about to join the company as rumours suggest, he can be Jeff Goldblum, making plans to fight the aliens while indecisively stammering. As for the aliens themselves, Vince McMahon and his family can step in for a cameo. To Triple H's dismay, Stephanie McMahon can play the alien who can only give birth to girls.</span><br /><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">My Lovely Lady Hatch</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiThiGPl3bgoggohRpRj7zJzN0BczZSQvXpFh9WHaTJm7KsoJZLzE1pq8R9LxJUtP8pWVGHRl-LnL99bhK7gV8v8Zh_F-puajvUrOoO4tqQG4Ze7kimlaUSzYvxOTgNrUPMPE8l/s1600/tswhistlingdixie7.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 59px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492782984546905842" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiThiGPl3bgoggohRpRj7zJzN0BczZSQvXpFh9WHaTJm7KsoJZLzE1pq8R9LxJUtP8pWVGHRl-LnL99bhK7gV8v8Zh_F-puajvUrOoO4tqQG4Ze7kimlaUSzYvxOTgNrUPMPE8l/s400/tswhistlingdixie7.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Mere hours after Dixie expressed her thoughts of the LOST series finale on Twitter, critics misread this post as an accurate and ironic reflection of her management style in TNA. In response to these critics, I believe they are missing the entire point of the message. Like the hopelessly lost characters of the hit ABC drama, Dixie and the TNA roster booked a flight with Oceanic Airlines. Before they could get to Los Angeles from Sydney, the aircraft broke in two, crash landing in Orlando, Florida. Ever since the accident, Dixie and TNA have wandered the terrain, unable to make much sense of anything.<br /><br />Years ago, Frankie Kazarian constructed a bamboo raft and set sail for the calm waters of World Wrestling Entertainment. In the end, he found himself back in the strange land that is TNA. Obviously, the Impact Zone is a peculiar place with magical powers. One fateful day, Dixie may decide to return the six-sided cork back into the center of the Impact Zone. Until that time comes, she is left wondering if every promoter promotes alone.<br /></span><br /><br /><center><b><span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffffff;">Chance Meeting</span></b></center><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-RXIn2MBsZzTPEjvUTbjmjWobml_vwBQKdjdyPFUrVoGt5V4ldEk-lSc_4CmJo1n54MEbPhY5T3wvcko2nsBVTTeW4wKT8dPmEmT0Y69eufivH6x0F04Letwzqg2nTiBbasqD/s1600/tswhistlingdixie8.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 37px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492782894004551874" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-RXIn2MBsZzTPEjvUTbjmjWobml_vwBQKdjdyPFUrVoGt5V4ldEk-lSc_4CmJo1n54MEbPhY5T3wvcko2nsBVTTeW4wKT8dPmEmT0Y69eufivH6x0F04Letwzqg2nTiBbasqD/s400/tswhistlingdixie8.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">After reading Dixie's posts, I feel as though I know her better than I know myself. For the most part, I have that feeling because my self refuses to return my calls. Regardless, Dixie Carter's messages have taught me enough about her to determine the mystery man, woman, or child behind the meeting. Since she mentioned that we will eventually meet this individual as well, I shall assume that the person in question does not live life as a hologram. Since she posted the message on July 8th, it is safe to say that the day of the meeting rules out anybody who was born on or after July 9th. The potential main event matchup between Samoa Joe and a July 9th baby of similar size and shape would make tons of money, but I doubt we'll get ever it.<br /><br />With these facts in mind, I conclude that Dixie Carter encountered her future self. Future Dixie could have warned Present Dixie Carter of what would become of TNA if she wasn’t careful, but Future Dixie Carter did not want to alter destiny. In place of telling her what not to do, Future Dixie Carter and Present Dixie Carter ended up chatting about girl stuff. Future Dixie Carter told Present Dixie Carter about the evolution of the shawl and little else. Future Dixie Carter sounds like a time-travelling beyotch.<br /><br /></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33956748.post-35364629319733371382010-07-05T00:38:00.000-07:002010-07-05T00:38:00.063-07:00The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 94th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnthC5LYy05lGuhn1vgc0kdgxqwu7Jq2fRJeVK4ZUT-Wao3crDWe_edYGdI8XKDOQalQ74DWVXzxwnRWuvsZv-Ta0EXDvRcQ97_Ae8ev4496YUjVjc2hI6lyC4cSRI0vnI2NgS/s1600/mizmystikal.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 175px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5490135686801878994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnthC5LYy05lGuhn1vgc0kdgxqwu7Jq2fRJeVK4ZUT-Wao3crDWe_edYGdI8XKDOQalQ74DWVXzxwnRWuvsZv-Ta0EXDvRcQ97_Ae8ev4496YUjVjc2hI6lyC4cSRI0vnI2NgS/s400/mizmystikal.jpg" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-family:arial;"><b>WWE United States Championship Match<br />The Miz (c) vs. Mystikal</b><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><i>Represent the states, but watch yourself<br />Represent the states, but don't show me your Florida<br />Represent the states, but watch yourself<br />Represent the states, put back that dangling Florida<br /><br />I came here moving thangs with my hands<br />Don't make me leave with a surplus of thangs in my possession, let's haggle<br />And don't worry about how I'm talking like this<br />When I'm rapping I'm not angry, but I'm just disappointed in what you do<br />I'm truculent with every single step<br />More dignified than any other rapper who just served a long-term prison sentence<br />You can't defeat me and you won't<br />Except when you do and you did<br />Take the mic, don't be trite, get your coat back<br />Got some Kwik for my dogg pound, witnessing Killings at the theme park<br />You think I'm lying? Miz, I wouldn't try it<br />I'm sighing if you trip over words about voting for the Diva Search<br />Kids rhyming weekly, acting like they're into me<br />Hope this doesn't alarm you when I say I'm the man without the candy van (stranger danger)<br />Came to play, but not this way<br />You're in reality, not on MTV<br />Get like a student and you'll learn<br />We don't play by road rules because we're living in the real world </i><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><b><u>The Question</u>:<br />Who wins and how?</b><br /><br />*****<br /><br /></span><b><i><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">NEXT WEEK<br /><br />I will climb a ladder and grab a briefcase, weeks before I have to climb a ladder and grab a briefcase for real.<br /><br />AND<br /><br />Simple. You hit him, don't let him hit you.</span></i></b></center></span>Stephen Riverahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034186603994904571noreply@blogger.com0