Monday, June 30, 2008

New Members of the New World Order: The nWo Book Club

Newest Member of the New World Order: "The Woman King" Oprah Winfrey



A further look at the remnants of The Afterdraftmath. What have they done?


Ooh, he card reads good.

Afterdraftmath: Part 1

When you're a world-renowned, professional wrestling analyst like myself, life can be difficult. For one, everyone thinks highly of you because you follow professional wrestling. Each time you walk out the door, a judgmental man in a judgmental suit will come up to you with his judgmental ears and say, "You watch professional wrestling? Why, that makes you a spectacular human being somehow. You are doing God's work or the work of a deity who is of equal or greater value to him. I say, you must be a gift sent from the heavenly clouds above. You critique professional wrestling? Really? You are a better man than I could ever aspire to be. Since professional wrestling fans are the mainstream media darlings of our time, I must bow down to you and your superior nature, good sir. Here, take my wife and first-born daughter as a token of my immense gratitude for your existence. You are the tiniest and shiniest needle in the dry yet pillowy haystack we call modern day society."

For two, professional wrestling is a chore to view. Many years ago, wrestling programming made me believe in myself and others. Today, wrestling programming urges me to wander over to a random five-year-old child's birthday party and punch a giraffe in the neck. If I had to choose between watching a wrestling show and eating an entire bowl of shattered glass and second-hand underwear soup, I would take in the jagged, earthy taste of broken beer bottles and off-white boxers with glee. Despite my negative take on the current wrestling scene, I do have a sliver of hope for a better tomorrow. Although I have minimal optimism for the industry, Vince McMahon is a promoter who seems to be yearning for a wonderful future. Late at night, in his sports entertainment bed under the sports entertainment moonlight, Vince conjures up various schemes to relive his past successes. The annual WWE Draft Lottery is one of those schemes.

Last week, the stars of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW switched places to become the stars of ECW, Smackdown, and RAW. If these drastic changes were not refreshing enough for you, a supplemental draft occurred no more than a few days after Monday Night RAW to shuffle the World Wrestling Entertainment deck even further. For the next two weeks, The Swerved takes a gander at these alarming moves. Who moved where? Who stayed? Who didn't want to leave at all? Most importantly, was Vince McMahon okay after that Million Dollar Mania set conveniently collapsed over, under, and around his body? You are in my prayers, Vince. One time, a balloon brushed against my shoulder. I was pronounced dead three times.

Before I succumb to another Mylar-related attack, let us survey the after... draft... math. Oh, it's hideous. Or, is it?

Matt Hardy to ECW

On Smackdown, Matthew Luscious Hardy was the champion of the United States of America. As United States Champion, Matt represented the country with a tenacious attitude, an undying passion to compete, and a underlying fear of gay marriage and illegal Mexican immigrants. Unfortunately, Alaska and Hawaii were properties of the RAW brand (Alaska was a Heat regular). Thus, Matt Hardy was the United States Champion of only forty-eight of the fifty states. Now that Matt is an ECW superstar, he becomes the champion of even less states. Farewell, Louisiana. I will miss your crayfish. Also, I will miss your inebriated co-eds who present their milk factories for cheap, plastic jewelry. Auf Wiedersehen, Michigan. Your cranial cheeses will always have a place in my heart and on my head. Finally, take it easy, Tennessee. Thank you and your numerous volunteers. One day, I wish you can beat those West Virginia Unpaid Interns.

With his move to ECW, the elder Hardy assumes one of the top spots on the brand by default. On the World Wrestling Entertainment totem pole, he vaults over most of the competition, challenging good guys like Nunzio for number one. While some believe that a Hardy Boyz reunion is long overdue, I am not one of those ignorant believers. If WWE wants to make stars out of both Matthew and Jeffrey, they must let the Hardys free. Let them not be bound to "Take It 2 The Xtreme." Let them transform into full-fledged individuals so they may "Take It 1 and 1 To The Xtreme." Best of luck to you, Matt. Nunzio might be The Rock of today's WWE, but don't let his larger-than-life persona intimidate you. Use your wings and fly from this coop.

The Verdict: For these draft verdicts, I plan to equate each roster change to a wrestling move gone wrong. For instance, a smart roster change is equivalent to a move that slightly tweaks a wrestler's body part or tickles him or her into delightful submission. Conversely, a dumb or nonsensical roster change is equivalent to the permanent loss of a wrester's entire upper body. In the case of Matt Hardy's move from Smackdown to ECW, I give the change what it truly deserves: a back body drop onto a wool sweater -- soft but somewhat uncomfortable. In all, a good move by WWE.

Kane to RAW

If you don't count ECW's acquisitions in the supplemental draft, Extreme Champion Wrestling came out of Monday Night RAW with a grand total of one wrestler. As the author and creator of this site, I was not even part of Monday's draft yet I snagged five wrestlers for my non-existent brand. Within the next few weeks, I will try my best to figure out how to utilize Ashley Massaro without causing her injury. While I consider my options with Ashley, ECW must cope with the loss of two of their most prominent talents in CM Punk and Kane, the latter of whom is the ECW Champion. Does the brain trust of WWE think that sending the ECW World Champion to Monday Night RAW is a intelligent move? Do they know the meaning of intelligent? Moving Kane to Monday nights transforms him into the ECW champion of RAW, which makes him the champion of nothing. Meanwhile, ECW is left without a championship, which means that nobody can be the champion of anything.

As of this writing, Kane is set to face the Big Show and Mark Henry for the ECW Championship at Night of the Champions. Even if Mark Henry comes out of the Pay-Per-View as the new champion, RAW is left with Kane. I saw Kane on RAW. I saw Kane on RAW more than I needed to see him. Dear WWE; the reason why you sent Kane to Smackdown and ECW was because we all saw Kane on RAW more than we needed to see him. Just because Kane hasn't been on RAW in a while does not give you the right to put him back on the show. I do not want to witness Kane on RAW more than I need to see him for a second time. I've had white bread before. White bread tastes bland. You're giving me white bread again. By giving me white bread again, white bread is not going to taste different. Come on, you cheap bastards. Multi-grain me already.

The Verdict: With this roster move, WWE turns back the clock back to the glory days of 2006. This roster move is an F-U into a slippery YMCA locker room where old men walk around naked, dangling their man business without cause or concern for other people's well-being.

CM Punk to RAW

Picture yourself as CM Punk. In the fishbowl that is ECW on Sci-Fi, you are the biggest fish. You are a former ECW Champion, you wrestle entertaining matches against your extreme peers on a weekly basis, and you get considerable exposure on a national scale. If you are CM Punk on ECW, your life is good. If you are CM Punk on RAW, life is good for everyone else. As much as a move to Monday nights could work for CM Punk, the change will be for nought in the hands of World Wrestling Entertainment. If I ran RAW, Punk would get his shot, but I don't because I run my own non-existent brand with Ashley Massaro as my top star. Since McMahon and Company steer the “Good Ship RAWlipop,” CM Punk is a lost sailor in the professional wrestling sea.

Off the top of my noggin, CM Punk has to jump over hurdle after hurdle of WWE superstars to make a significant impact on Monday night television. Every week, CM Punk will have to pull a MacGyver, using a penny, a washcloth, and a crusty old newspaper from 1915 to gain meaningful screen time over Batista, John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Kane, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, and Lance freakin' Cade. Once CM Punk climbs over the impenetrable wall that is Lance Cade's reign of terror on RAW, he will only need to outshine a group of past and present world champions to make himself known. You better make sure you drink your Pepsi, Punk. If RAW's post-draft lineup is any indication, Pepsi will be your only source of happiness. If you're having one right now, go ahead and drink another. You can't rely on Heat anymore.

The Verdict: Good on paper, bad on any other surface. Punk on RAW is a Go 2 Sleep onto a pile of screaming babies.

Michael Cole to RAW

"Oh my!" says Michael Cole behind his announce table at home. I don't know what specific activities Michael Cole prefers to participate in at home, but I am going to take a bloody stab in the dark and guess that he likes to act as the unofficial play-by-play announcer of his home life. To some extent, his leisure time commentary must mirror his commentary on the job. In other words, Michael Cole invents alternative and unnecessary phrases and names for existing objects around the house that don't require new phrases or names. Oranges become "Orange Citrus Spheres," daybeds become "Dawn Until Nighttime Rest Apparatuses," and the toilet is renamed "The Bodily Function Refuse."

As the former man of Smackdown, Cole turns into the new man of RAW. Out of all the moves in this year's WWE Draft, Michael Cole's jump to RAW was a questionable surprise. For years, Michael Cole was the familiar voice of Tuesday nights, then Thursday nights, and then Friday nights. Michael Cole's Smackdown commentary was something I could set my watch to, other than the actual time provided by my designated time zone. Now that Michael Cole team ups with Jerry Lawler on Mondays, Fridays nights will never be the same. Yes, Friday will still be a blast, but less of a blast without Cole. For your information, only cool people stay at home on Friday nights to watch Friday Night Smackdown. If you are one of the stupid few who go out and have fun, you are quite lame. Have a lame time at the local discotheque, fellows and fillies. As you continue to be uncool, wrestling fans will party it up with Smackdown ring announcer Justin Roberts and Domino without Deuce. Aw fudge yeah. Oh my indeed.

The Verdict: Michael Cole to RAW may very well make Monday nights worse, but at least Friday nights will get better. This roster change is a vintage Undertaker move into a empty vintage record store with dirty, cracked flooring. The shine from your ancient compact discs hurt my youthful eyes, elderly storekeeper.

Rey Mysterio to RAW

Before I take a look at this roster move, let me inform you of my plan. The next time I encounter a young child in a colourful mask on Halloween, I will attack that child with multiple steel pipe shots to the knee. When that child recovers from multiple knee surgeries and returns to gain his sweet revenge, he will wrestle like the modern-day Rey Mysterio. In my non-existent wrestling brand which features Ashley Massaro as the top star, this young child will be number two on the totem pole and eclipse Rey as the highest, injury-riddled Mexican high flyer of them all. Game, set, match, Rey. What, what?

Although Rey's stint on Smackdown has cultivated a large Hispanic audience who will follow whatever he does with mindless adoration, his tenure on that show has run its course. For example, I can only see Rey Mysterio versus Chavo Guerrero so many times before I call it quits. Yes, Smackdown gave Rey Mysterio the opportunity to become a World Champion, but that big gold title belt does not mean much these days. When you're a world champion in a company with two other world champions, of what world are you the champion? You can't be the champion of Mars because Martians only like boxing. Some say Rey's title run was a failure; I call those people "right." With past failures and successes behind him, I consider Rey Mysterio's move to RAW as a good thing. Rey Mysterio doing anything new is a golden gift that we must cherish and nurture.

Wait. Uh oh. Now that I have claimed that the move was smart, Chavo Guerrero will show up on RAW and face Rey Mysterio until the planet is no more. Stop it, Chavo. I don't like Mexican Warriors. I prefer my warriors to be Scandinavian. Go away until you move to Sweden and resurface as Chävö Guerrerö: part-time poncho wearer, part-time right winger for Skellefteå AIK of the Swedish Elite League.

The Verdict: I have no problem with Mysterio's move to RAW. This move is equivalent to Droppin' the Dime onto several stacks of dimes. How dare you. I was going to put those dimes in coin wrappers. Maybe I will see you at the next Pay-Per-View, Rey. If I defeat you, you must put my dimes in coin wrappers for me.

Jeff Hardy to Smackdown

Thank you, thank you, thank you. In World Wrestling Entertainment, Jeff Hardy has two strikes. I'm not positive that WWE is willing to part with Jeff if he gets a third strike, but if you're young Jeffrey, you will do anything in your power to prevent yourself from striking out. In the past few months, Jeff Hardy has done everything and nothing. On RAW, he has beaten such superstars as Umaga, Umaga, Umaga, Umaga, Carlito, Umaga, Umaga, and Umaga, yet has never managed to gain enough momentum to propel himself into the main event. In my view, Jeff Hardy on RAW is similar to the survivours of Oceanic Flight 815 on LOST -- stuck in a place without a way out. Also like LOST, Jeff tries to escape the mid-card to get to the main event, but then a RAW smoke monster comes along and gives him the Pedigree. Monday night RAW and LOST are kindred television shows.

On June 23, 2008, Jeff Hardy became a Smackdown superstar. While June 23rd was a
depressing day for some stars, Jeff received a new pair of legs. Because Jeff Hardy has escaped the logjam that is the RAW roster, Jeff can twist and flip his way to the Smackdown main event scene. On second thought, that smoke monster was drafted to Smackdown, too. Oh, sassafras. Get out of Smackdown. Get out of Smackdown while the commentator still think you have rainbow hair even though you don’t.

The Verdict: A fine roster move. This change gets a Whisper in the Wind which turns into a Twist of Fate. Jim Ross has his day in the sun. Bask in the rays, JR. Bask in the rays.

Jim Ross to Smackdown

After he found out that he was drafted to Friday night, the expression on Jim Ross' face said it all -- good riddance to RAW, hello to Smackdown. What a twist. Though Ross was clearly depressed about the move, he was not sad for himself. Truly, Jim Ross felt bad for the millions of wrestling fans. Every Monday until the end of the world, you will have to listen to Michael Cole joke it up with Jerry Lawler. Ross sends his deepest condolences to you, your family, and your extended family. Do you have a bomb shelter? Does that bomb shelter have enough water and dried oats? If your bomb shelter is stocked in an adequate fashion, I suggest you live in that bomb shelter until WWE decides to right the universe back to its original form.

In reaction to Ross' jump to Smackdown, I have faith that this could be an excellent move. Although you lose the familiar tandem of Ross and Lawler, you gain the impressive and knowledgeable duo of Jim Ross and Mick Foley. When you have two veteran personalities with a passion for wrestling, you have yourself quality television. For some reason, if Ross' stint on Friday nights does not work out, do not fret. At the very least, the team of Mike Adamle and Tazz remains intact on ECW. Without Mike Adamle's insightful and witty comments, life does not make much sense. You're our North Star, Adamle. Take us home.

The Verdict: Jim Ross to Smackdown is a toss-up. As Smackdown improves, RAW's commentary team hangs in the balance. Can Cole fill the empty Black Resistol hat that Ross left behind? This roster change is a Stone Cold Stunner within an inflatable castle made of chocolate. You have not lived until you have taken a stiff blow to the neck and chin area in a bouncy room, built with the assistance of Cacao seeds.

Umaga to Smackdown

Umaga's long-awaited jump to Smackdown goes to all the baby's mamas and the baby’s mama's mamas. Plus, one billion points to WWE for moving the Samoan Bulldozer to a brand that has not been bulldozed by a man of Samoan descent before. In the past, Umaga has proven himself as a talented wrestler in grueling battles with Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and Jeff Hardy. Now that Thrilliam Regal is not present on RAW to call him "Youmanga," I have no interest in Umaga as a RAW superstar anymore. World Wrestling Entertainment can dress him up in wraparound skirts, give him bright wrestling attire, and make him dedicate violence to the isle of Samoa all they want, but the RAW magic is gone.

With the move, Umaga gains longevity. I don't need to tell you which Smackdown feuds will be great for Umaga because I have told you about them before, but I will say that Umaga must befriend The Great Khali in order to make it big on Friday nights. When Umaga and Khali first teamed up on RAW, I cried tears of joy. I cried so much that I provided water supply to ten, third-world countries for an entire decade. Unless WWE can find it in their black souls to provide me that kind of joy once more, I beg them to reunite Umaga with The Great Khali. Rumour has it that if Umaga teams with The Great Khali three times in a row, a portal will open up in Cleveland, Ohio to another dimension where life is eternal, everyone is model hot, and alcohol is free and plentiful. Don't you want to live in that world? Don't you want to live forever, surrounded by sexy ladies who give you tropical flavoured wine coolers to your heart's content? Don't you want to live the life that I live every other day of the week?

The Verdict: Despite the fact that Umaga’s move to Smackdown was as certain as Nancy Grace’s jump from the Four Horsemen to RAW, the Samoan Bulldozer does have a promising future on the blue show. Since his future is so bright, I would ask Umaga to wear shades, but I bet he would rather lean the sun against the corner and run into it with his butt. For the ladies, Umaga to Smackdown attains a Samoan Spike to your lower lady parts. Congratulations.

Ken Kennedy to Smackdown

At first, Mr. Kennedy turned up the trouble on Smackdown with success. During his ascent to the top of the brand, he gained much notoriety as an arrogant loudmouth who could simultaneously walk and chew gum. In WWE, a performer who can simultaneously walk and chew gum is rare. Just before his jump to RAW in last year's draft, Ken Kennedy was in line to get revenge on Edge, the man who stole his Money in the Bank briefcase and put him on the injury shelf. Since WWE likes to present stories with a beginning and middle but no end, the World Heavyweight Champion never got his comeuppance from one Ken Kennedy.

Throughout his time on RAW, I wondered when Mr. Kennedy would get his shot against the Rated-R Superstar. In 2008, I am glad that Kennedy is a Smackdown star with his sights set on Edge. Last week, you saw Kennedy. He pointed at Edge. He pointed at Edge with an angry expression on his face. He pointed at Edge with an angry expression on his face while he chewed gum. What? Are you serious? Ken Kennedy can walk, chew gum, and point at Edge with an angry expression on his face? He is a triple threat. Watch out, those of you who can't walk, those of you who swallow their gum, and those of you who don't have an index finger to point at Edge with an angry expression on your face. Ken Kennedy is ready to turn up the trouble to the highest setting -- a whole bunch.

The Verdict: Mr. Kennedy should not have been drafted to RAW in the first place. What the heaven, guys? Are you high on the under-the-counter drugs? His return to Smackdown is like a fireman saving you from a burning building in a fireman's carry position, only to put you back into the fire via Ken Kennedy's fireman's carry roll dealie. Sarcastic big ups to WWE for this move.

Triple H to Smackdown

Whenever the WWE Draft occurs on television, my feelings are mixed. Of course, RAW, Smackdown, and ECW require a roster move now and then to keep the brands fresh. Nevertheless, the fact that the WWE Draft consists of supposedly random roster picks does not sit well with me. When you appoint a general manager to a certain organization, you expect them to general manage that organization. Therefore, what in tarnations is the role of the general manager in a draft lottery? Do they sit in a chair backstage for three hours and eat pork rinds? If WWE wants to do a logical draft next year, perhaps they should let each brand's general manager make roster moves through trades. Case closed with a lock on that case. That lock is closed as well.

With that said, Triple H to Smackdown could have been a power trade by the genius herself: Vickie Luscious Guerrero. Do you recall that time in 2004 when Triple H was traded back to RAW from Smackdown for Booker T, The Dudley Boyz, an airplane, the population of Ghana, and a partridge in a pear tree? This year, I wanted to see Triple H get sent to Smackdown for every Smackdown wrestler except Edge. That way, Edge can face Triple H all the time because he enjoys his company so much. Good times.

Hunter leaving RAW paves the way for a rekindled rivalry with the Undertaker and an eventual money feud with that dastardly Funaki. In my mind, Triple H to Smackdown is great. Super great. Triple H's jump to Smackdown is so amazing, I want to cartwheel over a cliff into a ocean full of sharks. I'm so happy.

The Verdict: Every draft should feature a move like Triple H to Smackdown. This roster move is an Arn Anderson-style spinebuster into a wicker basket of puppy dogs and kittens. While the impact will end the life of many of those puppy dogs and kittens, those deaths were adorable.


Monday, June 23, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 44th

World Tag Team Championship Match
Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. Richie Rich & ???

How priceless can you be?
Your gimmick should be based on your father's money
This young chipper is as blue as the sky
But on the street he looks like a regular guy
He sports the same haircut as you and I
That's class!
The priceless ass!

The Question:
Who wins and how?



I feel a draft. Somebody better shut that window.


Missed it by that much.

The Booker: The Good Book

Every wrestling fan believes they can book World Wrestling Entertainment to greatness. They ponder dream matches in their head and map out memorable moments that will last twenty lifetimes. You, the reader who reads, has dedicated your undivided attention and paper dollars to the talented people of WWE for years, yet you still think that you can do better than the professionals. This week, The Swerved assumes the role that wrestling enthusiasts across the land wish to have. Without further delay, I will become the booker for the company you have grown to hate yet love at the same time: World Wrestling Entertainment. I am no magician. I am not a miracle worker. Unlike the gentle carpenter, I cannot tune water into wine.

What I can do is transform WWE into a dynamic and unstoppable entertainment juggernaut.

Brace yourselves, strap on your seatbelts, and take note of the emergency exits to your left and to your right. With the mere power of my own mind, I give you the second installment of The Booker. Gather around, townspeople. Let us rejoice and read plans from The Good Book.

Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Why? Because Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is out of this world. See what I did there? I took five years off to think up that gem. Are you happy? I forgot what food tastes like. Does it taste like paint by any chance?
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment begins from square-circled one. The company brings you brand new matches, feuds, rivalries, interviews, and segments for your personal enjoyment. Sadly, I will not be able to top The Great Khali's segment on Smackdown in which he offered a goat to the Big Show. In my neck or neckular area of the woods, goats are beardtastic yet sparse. Sorry.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not reflect the current state of World Wrestling Entertainment. In other words, William Regal has not been suspended, the Undertaker has not "left" WWE, and Mike Adamle is not a constant delight.
- Wrestlers will stick to wrestling on their designated brand. If you need to see Hornswoggle on all three shows, may the Pope Todd Grisham have mercy on your sports entertainment soul.
- In the archives section of this site, check the first edition of The Booker to admire the golden days of yesteryear. Do you remember the good old days of last month? Pepperidge Farm doesn't because it is a farm.
- Each installment of The Booker concludes with a monthly Pay-Per-View. As a professional wrestling analyst, I am not a machine. I am a boy carved out of wood.

Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist -- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's first ever Pay-Per-View event -- brings together the stars of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW to take hard earned money from your manly wallets and change purses before you wise up and buy food, shelter, and clothing. Unlike WWE Night of Champions, Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist features feuds and matches that matter. You won't see wrestlers tripping each other in a cutesy way. You won't see two men fighting over a toaster strudel; rather, you will witness intense rivalries over prestigious championships. Take a trip to the fantasy world and order Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist from your non-existent Pay-Per-View provider today.

SWE Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist Pay-Per-View Card
June 29, 2008
Presented by Carlito. Carlito: I don’t like Triple H. I want to get fired.

SWE Championship Match
Triple H (c) vs. William Regal

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Umaga

SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk

SWE United States Title Match
MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels

SWE Women's Championship Match
Mickie James (c) vs. Natalya

ECW Championship Tournament Semifinal Matches
AJ Styles vs. John Morrison
Samoa Joe vs. Tommy Dreamer



- Rehab for Garrison.

Lance Cade is addicted to "The Liquid Mistress." That’s a shame. Trevor Murdoch can't help you anymore. He's too busy singing country songs to zero crowd reaction while wearing a trucker hat and a silver garbage bag. For your infotainment, silver garbage bags are "hefty" responsibilities. Me make a funny.

Television Results:

JUNE 2, 2008

- SWE Champion Triple H attempts to begin RAW with another twenty-minute opening segment. This time, he's the guest on Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel. At the five-minute mark, William Regal joins Hunter and engage in a stare down with the champion. As the ultimate insult, Regal calls Hunter "scattered clouds" rather than the tried and true "sunshine.” Oh no he did not. Triple H challenges Regal to a fight, but William refrains. Regal looks at the showy belt with a maniacal expression, then walks back up the ramp.
Cryme Tyme defeats the Highlanders. After the match, Homicide and Hernandez (LAX) debut, beating Shad Gaspard's wifebeater and attacking JTG's exposed shin. You deserved it, JTG. If you wear pants with one leg rolled up to the knee, you're asking for trouble. You're saying, "Hey, I don't need a functional shin anymore. Why don't you shatter it?"
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela tries to interview LAX about their attack on Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez bow down to Korpela and rush out of the shot without saying a word.
- For the first time, Natalya appears on RAW to run down the women's division. Pish Tosh. Ashley Massaro is a technical marvel. Natalya vows to win the SWE Women's Championship at any cost. As a homage to her father, Natalya strokes her beard... down there. Nice work, lady.
MATCH 2: SWE Women's Championship Match
Mickie James defeats Beth Phoenix by reversing the Fisherwoman's Suplex into the Mickie DDT. At the commentary table, Natayla stands up and shines the imaginary women's title around her real waist. In response, Mickie shines the actual title belt. In my opinion, Natalya's imaginary championship appears shinier. Go figure.
- A video montage hypes the arrival of Rey Mysterio to Monday Night RAW. Since the clips are quick and Mysterio's various attires are so colourful, children become susceptible to a sight I like to call "The Epileptic Rainbow." What fun we are having.
- Backstage, Chris Jericho watches the hype video and smirks. What are you up to, Jericho? Perhaps something worthy of a smirk.
- Vince McMahon makes history by hyping the Intercontinental Championship, a title held by such superstars as The Rock, Steve Austin, and Billy Gunn. He announces that ten superstars will compete in a battle royal on the next edition of RAW to determine the new Intercontinental Champion. As he walks out of the ring, Mr. Kennedy comes down to proclaim that he will be the next best Intercontinental Champion of our generation. Better than Billy Gunn? I think not. He was "The One." You might be "The Two," but you are not "The One."
Mr. Kennedy defeats Val Venis with multiple Mic Checks. Over Val's fallen body, Kennedy announces his win on the dangling microphone.
- At the commentary table, RAW colour analyst JBL hypes up his RAW main event match against Triple H. John initiates his serious face and promises a bloodbath of bloodbathian proportions. Before battle, JBL downs a bottle of MamaJuana energy drink. Silly, JBL. You can't defeat Triple H by doing him.
MATCH 4: Main Event - Street Fight
Triple H defeats JBL with the Pedigree on the steel steps. After the match, William Regal walks down to the ring, applauds Triple H's victory, and hands him the belt. Hunter reacts to Regal's gesture by snatching the title away and cursing him out. You show him, Hunter. You're "mildly sunny" on your worst day, man.

Triple H claims that JBL was working too stiffly. Of course he was working too stiffly, Hunter. Prior to your match, he drank MamaJuana. He could have impaled you with his wiener. Consider yourself lucky.

JUNE 9, 2008

In her RAW debut match, Natalya defeats Jillian Hall with the Sharpshooter. While Mickie observes the match from the entranceway, she witnesses Natalya cinch in the submission move on Jillian. Without fail, the pain allows Jillian to sing well. RAW referees try to pry Natalya's hands away, but she maintains a strong hold on Jillian. For the entire time, Natalya maintains eye contact with Mickie. One moment later, Natalya leaves the ring triumphant. Meanwhile, Mickie looks concerned... down there.
- Via video message, King William Regal announces that he supports Triple H as WWE Champion. As the King of WWE, he does not strive for war. He desires peace. You go, Regal. You go.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Chris Jericho about his feelings on Rey Mysterio's upcoming RAW debut. Jericho claims that he will welcome Mysterio with open arms. Korpela asks Jericho about the meaning of "open arms" as a phrase because no human being can unveil the contents of his or her arms without suffering massive blood loss. In return, Jericho smacks him. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment allows its wrestlers to smack Jack Korpela for being Jack Korpelan, but not Todd Grisham. After all, he is the Pope.
In their RAW debut, Deuce 'N Domino defeats Cryme Tyme with the Crack 'Em in the Mouth to Shad. Bah-dah-bup-baa-bah... Dominios. With JTG's shin at about 2% thanks to LAX's sneak attack, Shad wrestles in what is essentially a handicap match against the leather-jacketed ones. After the match, Shad helps JTG to the back and scours the building for Homicide and Hernandez.
- Through video, Homicide and Hernandez taunt Cryme Tyme at length with a video of their attack on JTG's shin. You should've known better, JTG or JTG's shin.
MATCH 3: 10 Man Battle Royal for the vacant SWE Intercontinental Championship
Mr. Kennedy defeats Super Crazy, Carlito, Santino Marella, Mark Henry (RAW debut), Hardcore Holly, Jim Duggan, Paul Burchill, and CM Punk (RAW debut). Mr. Kennedy survives the wrath of Hacksaw Jim Duggan to win the coveted SWE Intercontinental Championship. Actually, nine guys begin the match by tossing Mark Henry up and over the ropes like an enormous bag of hazardous materials. Then, Mr. Kennedy avoids strenuous physical activity until he takes out Hardcore Holly with a clothesline. In the final minutes of the match, CM Punk shows up and cleans house of the bad guys to get to Mr. Kennedy. At the finish, Kennedy counters Punk's Go 2 Sleep into a low blow and a back drop suplex onto the floor. Punk looks on in anger as Kennedy shouts his name over the dangling microphone.
- In a special segment, John Cena answers questions from his fans in a segment entitled "The John is Here." Mary from Twin Falls, Idaho asks, "Why are you so dreamy?" John has no answer. Good segment, John.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela recovers from Jericho’s smack to interview Mr. Kennedy about his Intercontinental title win. Ken shouts his name a bunch of times, then looks around the backstage area for Punk. One minute later, he hears a noise in the background and runs off in a frightened state. Like his idol Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. Kennedy runs away from harm.
- JBL leaves the commentary table to prepare for his title match against Triple H. Watch out, Hunter. He's going to drink a case of MamaJuana Energy drinks. His bone is for you.
MATCH 4: Main Event - WWE Championship Match
Triple H defeats JBL with interference from William Regal and a desperation Pedigree. As the referee hands Hunter his title belt, Regal runs into the ring and nails Hunter in the back of the head with brass knuckles. Regal props Hunter up and clasps the belt around the champion's waist. He says, "Here is your champion." To close the show, Regal waves to the fans and applauds the fallen Triplicate H. How awesome you are, Regal.

JUNE 16, 2008

- Chris Jericho walks down to the ring and announces that Rey Mysterio will be on RAW in two weeks. Jericho declares that Mysterio's career on RAW will begin with an appearance on the Highlight Reel. No wicked shenanigans ever occur on the Highlight Reel. Those who enjoy highlights in reel form are aware of this obvious fact.
Chris Jericho defeats Super Crazy with the Walls of Jericho. Next, he reminds the crowd that Rey Mysterio is coming to RAW. Sadly, the fans will forget what he just said because they are wrestling fans. As a follower of professional wrestling myself, I have become forgetful too. Unless you present me aspects of the past in the style of a unnecessary video recap after an inconvenient commercial break, I have zero clue what took place beforehand. Wait, what was I saying?
- William Regal makes his grand entrance to the ring and waves to the fans from a golden throne that is mounted on an elaborate English float. When Regal enters the ring, he gloats about his attack on Hunter. He states that Triple H is nothing but a self-proclaimed king and does not deserve to be called champion. Regal calls for footage of his attack on Hunter to be played on the Titantron. Through watery eyes, he watches the footage with pride. While he attempts to view the video once more, John Cena walks out to ruin the party. Cena claims that Regal was, is, and will never be king as long as "The Champ" is around. Regal laughs at the comment, informing Cena that he needs to be an actual champion in order to be called "The Champ." Oh no he did not again. Before a fight breaks out, Cena and Regal agree to engage in a competition of fisticuffs at show’s end.
Natalya and Beth Phoenix defeat Mickie James and Melina when Melina submits to Natalya’s Sharpshooter. Natalya continues the tradition of not breaking submission holds and digs down deep in an attempt to break Melina's back. As Mickie returns to her feet, she runs after Natalya, only for the lady Neidhart to evade the attack. Natalya watches as Mickie tends to Melina... down there.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Natalya about her upcoming match at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist against Mickie. Natalya wishes to break Mickie's back and take her title. This battle is going to be delightful.
- Jim Duggan walks down a hallway with 2x4 in hand for his match against Ken Kennedy. Wrestling fans love this segment because they love hallways.
MATCH 3: SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy defeats Jim Duggan with the Mic Check. Mr. Kennedy taunts Duggan for the entire match, then puts Hacksaw out of his misery with a Mic Check on the SWE Intercontinental Championship. From the rafters, Ken calls for the dangling microphone to lower, but the microphone does not. Mr. Kennedy argues with the ringside crew about the whereabouts of his microphone. While he stands on the apron with his back to the ring, CM Punk walks through the crowd and gestures to the rafters for the microphone. Punk grabs the microphone, taps Mr. Kennedy on the shoulder, then hands him the microphone. Ken looks back and sees Punk, who punches him in the facial region. Kennedy bounces off the apron and leaves. Punk mocks Kennedy over the microphone. A feud for the Intercontinental belt, I say? I am bonkers.
- Back from another important commercial break, Cryme Tyme stand in the ring and call out LAX. At this point, JTG's shin is in a cast, which is good. although, JTG chooses to expose his other shin by rolling up his pant leg. I am going to guess that JTG doesn't like having shins. From afar, LAX talks smack about Shad and JTG. In noticeable pain, Cryme Tyme invites LAX to enter the ring. Without hesitation, Hernandez and Homicide run down but back off once Cryme Tyme use tire irons to either prepare themselves to fix automobiles or defend themselves. Any way you put it, Cryme Tyme is ready.
- Paul Burchill and Katie Lea Burchill commend William King for his efforts as King of SWE. Paul and Katie inform him that they support his cause every step of the way. This segment is very British. If you watch this segment five times in a row, you will become Michael Caine.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela gets a hold of Homicide and Hernandez. LAX mocks Cryme Tyme and urges them to fight like real men. LAX fights nothing like an airport.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal defeats John Cena with brass knuckles to the back of the head. Regal caps this episode of Monday Night RAW by kissing those brass knuckles and waving to the fans. Meanwhile, Cena is either unimpressed or unconscious. If I had to guess, I say that John is definitely unimpressed by this turn of events. You can tell that he is unimpressed by the way in which the lines of drool trickle from the corner of his mouth.

JUNE 23, 2008

- With the old-school, grey curtain behind him, CM Punk sends Mr. Kennedy the following message: Kennedy is one and done at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist. CM Punk is addicted to competition and sending lame messages.
CM Punk defeats Carlito with the Go 2 Sleep. Punk counters sneak attacks by Santino Marella and avoids Carlito's Backstabber. As Punk hoists Carlito in the Go 2 Sleep position, he says Kennedy's name twice in a sarcastic fashion. You sure showed him, Punk. Go ahead and celebrate with some non-alcohol Kool-Aid or whatever you boring, straight-edge people drink. How about some bottled, lukewarm water with no ice? On second thought, don't drink that water. You're the designated driver tonight. You don't want roadside officers to catch you somewhat refreshed.
- Backstage, Deuce 'N Domino eat Dominios. In the locker room, they come across a perturbed Cryme Tyme. They make fun of Shad and JTG and claim that Cryme Tyme is afraid of LAX. Shad and JTG react to their opinions with a backstage brawl. Some of Heat's greatest legends break up the scuffle. The world is yours, Val.
- Chris Jericho presents the last Rey Mysterio hype video before the man’s debut on RAW. He cannot wait to interview Mysterio on the Highlight Heel and find out Rey’s plans for the future. He hopes to introduce fans to the real Rey Mysterio -- the Rey Mysterio that resembles a balding toddler.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews SWE Women's Champion Mickie James. Mickie responds to Natalya's comments with a warning. Natalya better watch her back because Mickie will be present at the announce table tonight. Uh oh. At the top of the hour, she's going to call you a poopy head. Be careful.
Natalya defeats Melina with the Sharpshooter. Last week, Natalya tenderized Melina's back with the submission move. This week, Natalya almost injures her for good. Mickie James runs in and attacks Natalya with a flurry of punches. She grabs Natalya's legs and tries to execute the Sharpshooter, but Natalya slinks away before she gets the chance. Natalya nurses her wounds... down there.
- The montage of Regal's attack on Triple H plays. You know what? We haven't seen Triple H in a while. We will never see him again. I bet my life savings on black.
- John Cena arrives in a daze. Hooray for lateness and wrestlers who choose to ignore serious storyline concussions.
Cryme Tyme defeat Deuce 'N' Domino with the G-9. Sadly, G-9 fails to give them BINGO. Once the match concludes, Shad and Gaspard challenge LAX to show their faces. On the Titantron, Homicide and Hernandez greet them and inform the team that they will meet them in the streets next week. West Side Story time, beyotches.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews William Regal. The King of SWE tells Korpela that he is saddened about John Cena's condition. While he does not think Cena will be able to compete tonight, he will show up for the match. Also, Regal gives a shout-out to Triple H. What, what. Holla at yo boy.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal and John Cena wrestle to a draw. With a fallen Cena at ringside, Regal retrieves his set of brass knuckles, but Triple H interferes to brawl with the King of SWE around the ring. Hunter snatches the brass knuckles from Regal's hand. With Regal’s head against the ring post, Triple H leans in for the death blow. To his disappointment, Regal escapes. As Regal runs up the ramp, Hunter follows. Show done. Go home.

Current Feud Ratings:
Triple H vs. William Regal: 87%
CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy: 89%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 76%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 38%



-Mick Foley has sustained a brutal neck injury from sitting in a chair behind a desk. He will be out for eight months... right here... in Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah.

Television Results:

JUNE 6, 2008

Jamie Noble refuses to lose to Vladimir Kozlov. Two can play at this game, fellow. I refuse to believe that Nunzio is not your cousin anymore. How about that?

In their Smackdown return, London & Kendrick defeats Jesse & Festus with Sliced Bread #2. Paul London and Brian Kendrick win a match? That’s news. Because they are back on Smackdown, London and Kendrick get to wrestle in matches which are longer than two minutes. In the end, this match goes three minutes. Mega million win for the both of you.
- A mock instructional video plays to introduce karate masters Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter. Together, Doane and Jeter are The Cobras, a tag team set to bring honour and spirit to Friday Night Smackdown. Ken Doane breaks a wooden board with a forceful exhale, then Johnny Jeter roundhouse kicks a broken merry-go-round to make it spin. Finally, the tandem of Doane and Jeter work as one to demolish an old building with knife-edge chops. In conclusion, The Cobras are my new best friends.
- New Smackdown talent Shawn Michaels arrives in the building. Stars like The Heartbreak Kid are always late for shows, but the fans don't care. Punctuality is not a quality that factors into fans' interest with a professional wrestler. Mostly, they dig it when a wrestler finds his way through a corridor that only leads one way. If the wrestler gets lost in that corridor, expect many jeers.
- In the ring, Shawn Michaels greets the Smackdown fans, but Montel Vontavious Porter interrupts the introduction. Porter runs down Michaels accomplishments. He tells Shawn that he is no match for MVP. Shawn and MVP engage in a shoving match before magic occurs to spark the band of Smackdown referees to intervene. The two men are separated, which allows MVP to gloat from a distance. Unwilling to let Porter free, Michaels marches back into the ring, superkicks Porter's face off, and trades in his HBK brand cowboy hat for MVP's do-rag. Flawless victory for Shawn.
- Backstage, London and Kendrick meet Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore. Yang and Moore claim that they're the best high-fliers on Smackdowns; London and Kendrick disagree. Following ten minutes of awkward conversation, the two teams walk out of the shot. Success, I guess.
- In the ring, Chavo Guerrero challenges any wrestler in the back to a match. Hornswoggle appears to Chavo's delight, but Finlay follows to Chavo's chagrin. Bam Neely looks on like Roadkill if Roadkill loved the Bowflex.
Finlay defeats Chavo Guerrero by countout. During the match, Finlay manhandles Chavo and throws him out of the ring. Neely steals Finlay's shillelagh and hands it over to Chavo. After the ten count, Chavo clocks Hornswoggle with the shillelagh and makes a run for it, giggling with Neely. Let me tell you that Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not condone calculated violence on innocent bystanders. With that said, random violence on innocent bystanders is okay.
- New Smackdown interviewer Maria regains her charming, ditzy persona in an interview with Edge. She chooses to call him "Corner" and "Surface." The former World Heavyweight Champion promises the audience that he will be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment in no time, starting with his main event match versus the Big Show. Actually, nobody can be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment because my company is not a thing. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is a state of mind, such as euphoric or hungry.
- A new segment is born that will be the sure-fire highlight of every Friday night. The Great Khali hosts the first episode of Night Khals, an interview segment which involves sit-down interviews with SWE's greatest superstars of today and tomorrow. Tonight, Khali's guest is Vladimir Kozlov. Khali and Kozlov discuss teen pregnancy, the war in Iraq, and Kozlov's favourite breakfast treat. The answer may surprise you. Move aside, Charlie Rose.
Vladimir Kozlov defeats Jamie Noble with an inverted DDT. Jamie Noble argues that dry cereal should be everyone's favourite breakfast treat. Wrong answer.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Edge defeats Big Show with interference from Vickie Guerrero and the Spear. Big Show dominates the match and seeks to finish Edge off with the Chokeslam. At the last minute, Vickie Guerrero clangs a steel chair against Show's head behind the referee's back, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and pulls off the Shooting Star Press on the fallen big man. Vickie calls the move "Vickie's Vapour Rub," a clever but nonsensical name for anything involving Vickie Guerrero. As Big Show stands up, Edge and Vickie flee on an old-timey railroad handcar. Oh, old-timey railroad handcar. You are a hilarious, turn-of-the-century mode of transportation. You are as hilarious as Triple H sporting a handlebar moustache while he rides a high wheel bicycle.
- In the last segment of the show, Mike Adamle introduces Umaga -- Smackdown’s newest and perhaps best acquisition. Umaga makes his Smackdown debut with a vicious attack on Adamle and several SWE officials and referees. No, Charles Robinson, no. Umaga props Little Naitch in the corner and runs at him with his own butt, which hurts despite the cushion of said butt. In the center of the ring, Umaga screams out to the rafters for the Undertaker. In the final seconds of Friday Night Smackdown, Umaga hears a loud gong and turns to the entranceway. End of show. Suspense-a-mundo.

Shawn wants Edge. You'd like to, wouldn't you, Shawn? I'd like to dress up as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea and ride a neon unicorn with Kelly Kelly, who is also dressed as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea, if possible, but you can't always get what you want.

JUNE 13, 2008

Shannon Moore defeats Brian Kendrick with a roll-up. Kendrick attempts to match Moore move for move, but Shannon manages to surprise his opponent with the quick pinfall. While Kendrick stews in the ring, Moore and Yang walk up the ramp with grins aplenty. So far, my 1,300,520th favourite wrestler of the year is Shannon Moore. Therefore, this feud is nice.
- In the ring, Maria interviews Edge, Chavo Guerrero, and Vickie Guerrero about their recent tomfoolery. Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero states that Edge and Chavo do what they need to do to win, which is a strategy that other Smackdown superstars are too stubborn to adopt. In the middle of the segment, Finlay arrives to confront Chavo, but Edge interferes in his business. Vickie announces that Edge will face Finlay in the main event. Good idea, you wheelchairlicious hussy.
- Backstage, Batista speaks of unfinished business with Umaga, whom he defeated at WrestleMania XXIV. When Batista can't compete in matches for the World Heavyweight Championship, look for him to bully people for no apparent purpose.
MVP defeats that dastardly Funaki with the Playmaker. Take that, Funaki. How do you like a leg over your neck, then you spin a little, then you fall on your back? Not a whole lot, I bet. MVP squashes Funaki with the might of five Funakis, talking trash about Shawn Michaels at various points in the bout.
- Once Porter gets the three count, he heads backstage. While he tries to turn the corner, he meets HBK. Michaels' foot emerges from the backstage curtain to superkick Porter in the face for the second week in a row. For the record, unexpected, foot-related violence is welcome in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment as well.
Matt Hardy defeats Gregory... Helms in a match that proves that Gregory... Helms has come back too soon. Matt Hardy pins Helms with the Twist of Fate. As Helms hits the canvas, his head flies right off his neck. I conclude that Gregory Helms did not let his injures heal long enough.
- On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali gives Jamie Noble the forum to refute Vladimir Kozlov's breakfast food claims. Other topics that The Great Khali and Jamie Noble touch upon are the positives and the negatives of the new 3G iPhone, the long-term benefits of fibre, and the dwindling quality of M. Night Shyamalan films. Unfortunately, Vladimir Kozlov is not present to respond to Noble’s comments with his fists.
- Chavo Guerrero searches for Edge in the backstage area, but meets the Big Show instead. After Chavo insults him, Big Show chokes the man until Bam Neely appears to protect Chavo. As Bam and Chavo walk away, Big Show laughs. In my mind, Big Show laughs like a shy Japanese school girl. Also, Mark Jindrak.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Edge defeats Finlay with a Hornswoggle shot to the skull. Both wrestlers brawl around ringside for a significant portion of the match, then take it into the ring for the finish. Outside the ring, Chavo picks up Hornswoggle and hands him to Bam Neely, who then hands him to Edge. With a dazed Finlay on the ropes, Edge throws Hornswoggle at him. This act marks the first time that a son has been used as an international object to defeat a father in a professional wrestling match. Congratulations, team. Vickie Guerrero attempts to orchestra a beat down on Finlay and Hornswoggle, but the Big Show appears to clean house by existing. This thang is not over.
- With Smackdown security behind his back, Theodore Long calls out Umaga to the ring. The Samoan Bulldozer complies and stares at Long, who reprimands him for his actions last week. Umaga goes nuts and takes out Long with the Samoan Spike. He continues his rampage with Samoan Spikes to the Smackdown security team. That wasn’t secure at all.
- The arena turns pitch black with the lightning and what not. When the lights return, Undertaker stands behind Umaga with a furious look on his face. As Umaga looks over his shoulder, the lights switch off. When they come back, Undertaker is nowhere to be seen. End of show. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so excited. I'm so scared.

JUNE 13, 2008

In the opener, Paul London defeats Jimmy Wang Yang with a roll-up. London and Kendrick work together to outwit the team of Yang and Moore when Brian shifts the momentum of Paul back onto Jimmy. This time, Yang and Moore are not happy campers. They are not happy professional wrestlers either, but they do camp now and again. If you ask nicely, Shannon Moore can be punk in the wilderness. Bears are attracted to women's menstrual blood, but they are quite afraid of Shannon Moore's shiny pants. Store your food and other belongings in his shiny pants and they will be safe.
- On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali invites Jamie Noble back on the show to express his feelings about high gasoline prices, advancements in robot technology, and Vladimir Kozlov. Noble badmouths Vladimir for his views and wrestling ability. The Great Khali tries to end the segment, but Noble gets in his face. Next, Noble jumps up to slap The Great Khali. This match is on like a kid with a bonbon.
The Great Khali defeats Jamie Noble with the Khali Vice Grip. As Noble passes out, he continues to diss Vladimir. The Great Khali shakes his head in disbelief for Jamie Noble seems to be a poor judge of character. You see, Nidia was a decent person. She had her eccentricities, but she had a good heart. Too bad Jamie didn't agree.
- Maria interviews Batista about his match against Umaga tonight. The Veiny One declares that he will hurt Umaga. If I were Umaga, I would not wrestle Batista. While Batista's words could mean that the man wants to cause physical pain on you, he may want to inflict emotional pain. Umaga may have skeletons in his closet that he is unwilling to acknowledge. Knowing Batista, anything could happen. He knows about the time you had to wear headgear to your junior prom, Umaga. He's in your kitchen.
- Edge, Chavo Guerrero, Vickie Guerrero, and Bam Neely hang out backstage and laugh in a maniacal fashion. What they do have up their sleeves? Most likely arms. Keep cool, Big Show and Finlay.
- In their second instructional video, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter teach viewers how to fight back against the most powerful enemies -- kindergarteners. To prepare, The Cobras paint fences, smooth out patio decks, and wash vintage cars before their playground battle against a entire class of five-year-olds. By the end of the segment, young children are down on the ground, bloodied and battered. Doane mentions that The Cobras are here to stay. Johnny Jeter agrees, then tells the kids to not drink from unmarked bottles found under the sink. I love you.
- Maria interviews the Big Show about his upcoming tag match. Hornswoggle stares up at Show in awe as Finlay smacks the end of his shillelagh against the palm of his hand. Big Show tells La Familia to bring along Bam Neely because he enjoys the company of people with names that rhyme with Cam Neely. Who doesn't?
Edge and Chavo Guerrero defeat Finlay and the Big Show with interference from Bam Neely. At the conclusion of the match, Hornwoggle connects with the Tadpole Splash on Edge and Chavo. As Big Show picks both men up for the double chokeslam, Bam Neely interferes and strikes Show with the shillelagh. Finlay should stop bringing that shillelagh with him to matches. Honestly. This incident is the reason why I don't bring my chainsaw-throwing trebuchet with me to the grocery store.
- Through video message, Shawn Michaels tells MVP that he will Superkick his way to the United States Championship. What do you plan to do, Shawn? Superkick the belt out of his hands? Actually, I would pay good money to see you Superkick the United States Championship from MVP's hands. Superkicks solve many global problems. Can you superkick global warming for me?
- Umaga prepares for his match against Batista. How does a Samoan savage prepare? Not well.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga and Batista wrestle to a double count out at ringside. Batista attempts to finish Umaga off with a Batista Bomb on the black mats, but Umaga escapes and takes him out with The Samoan Spike. Umaga walks up the ramp. The arena darkens. When the lights return, the Undertaker appears and chokes Umaga out with one hand. With Umaga in his grasp, he decides to shove him backwards to the waiting Batista. In turn, Batista wastes no time to clothesline The Samoan Bulldozer.

JUNE 27, 2008

- In the ring, Chavo Guerrero informs the crowd that Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero has booked a match that will pit Hornswoggle against a member of La Familia. With great reluctance, Finlay and Hornswoggle walk to the ring and find out Hornswoggle's opponent. At this point, Chavo Guerrero introduces Hornswoggle to Bam Neely.
Bam Neely defeats Hornswoggle so the young boy who is actually a grown man can gain more sympathy from the audience. First, Bam Neely knocks down Finlay, then pins Hornswoggle with a single slam. Chavo and Neely embrace up the aisle. Sometimes, Mexican Warriors and associates of Mexican Warriors have to hug.
- As they enter the backstage area, the Big Show ambushes Chavo and Neely. Chavo and Neely rush over to Vickie Guerrero's office. Vickie throws the Big Show out of the building. Well, she can't literally throw him because he's large, but she gets Smackdown security to escort him out of the arena. If she could throw him, I want to see that on DVD with the extras and everything.
- Backstage once more, London and Kendrick confront Yang and Moore. London and Kendrick congratulate Yang and Moore on their win two weeks ago. In return, the latter team compliments the former team on their victory last week. The teams wish one another good luck in their match tonight, only for both teams to claim that they don't need any well-wishes. They don't need well-wishes? What am I going to do with these two flower bouquets?
Paul London and Brian Kendrick defeat Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore. Throughout the match, both teams attempt to win with a roll-up. As the match winds down, Kendrick goes to Plan B and uses Yang's standing moonsault against him. Look at those webs. By the way you two teams weaved them, they are tangled.
- This episode of Night Khals features a roundtable discussion with The Great Khali, Vladimir Kozlov, and Jamie Noble. Khali and Vladimir criticize Jamie Noble's recent actions. In return, Jamie Noble tells them that they are responsible for his actions because their questionable conduct has driven him to madness. Khali tells Noble that he must be accountable for his behaviour. Vladimir chimes in to add that if the entire population was accountable for their actions, we would be living in a better world. Next, Jamie Noble slaps both men in their faces. This night will not end well for one tiny man.
The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov defeat Jamie Noble by being The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov. By releasing the Khali Vice Grip, Khali launches Noble in the air. On Noble's way down, Kozlov slams him on the mat with an inverted DDT. I present to you the civilized version of D-Generation X.
- Shawn Michaels invites MVP to have a heart-to-heart chat in the ring. Montel Vontavious Porter emerges from the back with a lady on each arm and relays to Shawn that he doesn't have the time to talk. Porter bids farewell and tells HBK that he will see him at the Pay-Per-View. With Porter's back turned, Shawn follows him up the ramp, gains his attention, and nails another Superkick. I look forward to the day that Shawn Michaels can only execute the Superkick. On that day, I will finally be happy.
- Edge shares a moment with Vickie in her office, which is ruined by Finlay. Father and son demand retribution. Vickie rewards Finlay's tenacity by throwing the father and the son out of the building. That's cold.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga defeats Batista with the Samoan Drop. Seconds into the match, Umaga catches Batista off-guard with the Samoan Spike. For the remainder of the contest, Batista struggles to fight back. He eventually loses to the forceful, ethnic drop.
- Ever so slowly, the Undertaker makes his dramatic entrance and waits in the corner of ring. With Umaga in the opposite corner, both wrestlers get ready to fight. As they are about to sprint full speed at each other, the Smackdown security team prevents them from touching. Umaga and the Undertaker battle through the crowd and connect with light punches to the head, but get forced apart. Go home again. If you are home, leave your house, then return to your house. It's Pay-Per-View time.

Current Feud Ratings:
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
MVP vs. Shawn Michaels: 84%
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore: 59%



Stuff is happening.

Television Results:

JUNE 3, 2008

- To start off the first episode of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi, Disco Inferno debuts as the new General Manager of the show. He declares that an eight-man tournament will be held to determine the new ECW Champion. Disco puts his stamp on ECW by installing a mirror ball high above the ring. As the show goes to commercial, Disco dances all the way to the back. If Disco was not available in this fantasy world, you know that I would have hired Alex Wright. If you are not a fan of Disco Inferno or Alex Wright, I hate you so much right now.
- Back from break, ECW's new play-by-play announcer Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco Inferno and the fans of ECW. Next, the Pope Todd Grisham and new colour analyst Armando Alejandro Estrada introduce the first tournament bout: Tommy Dreamer versus Elijah Burke.
The returning Boogeyman defeats Mike Knox with a sit-down choke bomb. After the match, Boogeyman sets up a dinner table and eats his worms on a clean white plate. In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, The Boogeyman must eat like a gentleman. For the sake of the children, use your worm fork, Boogert.
- An elaborate video hypes the debut of a new wrestler. A dark figure eclipses the setting sun. Venezuela Bartholomew is ecstatic.
Shelton Benjamin defeats Stevie Richards with an inverted bulldog thingy. While Benjamin takes out his frustrations on Stevie Richards, Charlie Haas is living it up on RAW, making out with the elderly. In Charlie's opinion, the lips of an old woman tastes like an aged wine -- musky yet rich.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
Tommy Dreamer defeats Elijah Burke with the Death Valley Driver. On this special occasion, Tommy Dreamer stops wearing black-t-shirts that promote upcoming Pay-Per-Views and begins to wear t-shirts that promote past films promoted by World Wrestling Entertainment. Dreamer wants you to watch Norbit. Have you ever made a really big mistake? Yes, you have. You haven't watched Norbit yet. Do it now.

JUNE 10, 2008

- The second installment of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi begins with GM Disco Inferno in the ring. He welcomes Matt Sydal to the show, the newest signee to the ECW brand. Before Sydal gets the chance to speak, Disco Inferno holds another disco dance party. Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco for the second time. The arena audience stays alive.
Matt Sydal defeats Matt Striker with a double foot stomp from the top turnbuckle. Striker's gear is so tight that you can see his man bulge, a bodily feature decorated argyle style. Like Striker, I want my junk to be adorned in argyle. If my junk is dressed in argyle clothing, my junk will look like a disgraced former social studies teacher too.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews Kofi Kingston on his upcoming quarter-final match. Though Kofi does not know his opponent’s identity, he is optimistic to come out of the match looking like Beenie Man. In that case, Kofi is an automatic winner.
Shelton Benjamin defeats Nunzio with an inverted bulldog thingy again. While Benjamin takes out his frustrations on Nunzio, Charlie Haas is living it up on RAW, watching Vince McMahon clumsily dial numbers on a telephone with extra large buttons. In Charlie's opinion, Vince McMahon's telephone skills are amusing.
- The dark figure returns (in a video). In two weeks, ECW is about to get a whole lot more Samoan. Can ECW get any more Samoan than Colin Delaney? Only television can tell through moving pictures.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
John Morrison defeats Kane via evil plan. The Palace of Wisdom is a Palace of Fraud. At the conclusion of the match, The Miz shows up to distract Kane. Morrison guillotines his opponent on the top rope and finishes him off with the Moonlight Drive. Morrison rejoices and skips up the ramp as if he was on mushrooms. He sees some guy in a hat. That's crazy.

JUNE 17, 2008

Big Daddy V defeats Matt Sydal with a splash. His ample breasticles flop around and knock the first ten rows unconscious. Matt Striker celebrates V's win by hanging from one of the man's breasticles and ringing Big Daddy V like a town square bell. Hear ye, hear ye, yonder on the farmhouses. Glorious.
- Matt Sydal is treated by that doctor that shows up on television with the white gloves and the creepy, high-pitched voice. No, that man is not Michael Cole. Kelly Kelly walks into the room and asks if Sydal will be all right. Sydal says, "Hey, I used to be a male model" Kelly says, "Hey, I used to be horrible at everything." True, true.
- Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin knock on the door to Disco Inferno's office. Both men argue that they deserve better, but Disco can't hear them because he is playing his groovy records too loud. As Burke and Benjamin try to destroy the record on the turntable, Disco Inferno stops them. He assures the two men that they will get their shot. Burke and Benjamin walk off mad, shouting that Disco needs to switch to MP3s. Disco doesn't know what that means.
Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin defeat the mighty Nunzio and Stevie Richards. They raise their arms to the fans dismay, then argue with people at ringside as they head backstage.
- A video montage declares that a certain Samoan someone will debut next week. No, it's not Colin Delaney. He's already in ECW. What a non-Samoan fool, you are.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
AJ Styles (ECW debut) defeats Kofi Kingston with the Styles Clash. AJ Styles has come to SWE to get away from the people at Universal Studios. Specifically, Mike Tenay was a pain because he always wants to ride The Incredible Hulk Coaster. If you say no to Mike, he gets mad, he gets green, and he rips his attire, except for his underwear. You won't like Mike Tenay when you see him in green and in his underwear. As the show goes off the air, Styles helps Kofi up and they shake hands as a sign of respect. Kofi says, "Welcome to SWE. Jerry Lawler wants to hear from you about the excitement that one can find on the Jurassic Park River Adventure.” Nuts.

JUNE 24, 2008

- Mike Knox opens the show by predicting that he will defeat The Boogeyman. I don't think you will, Mike Knox. I sense that you are a poor psychic.
The Boogeyman defeats Mike Knox with the sit-down choke bomb. Seeing dudes defeat Mike Knox is a lot of fun. Do you know those crane games that let you play until you win? I like to think that defeating Mike Knox provides similar satisfaction.
- Matt Sydal sucks it up for a match against Big Daddy V and Matt Striker. Kelly Kelly approaches him and wonders if he needs any help to get to the ring. Matt Sydal assures Kelly that he will be fine. Matt Sydal is not going to live.
Big Daddy V and Matt Striker defeat Matt Sydal in a handicap match. Sydal succumbs to the Big Daddy V splash for the second time. Backstage, Kelly Kelly looks concerned for the former male model. Former male models have immaculate but brittle bones.
- In the ring, The Miz calls out his mystery opponent for the ECW Championship Tournament. He runs down some names of possible opponents. Could it be? Essa Rios up in this mother? As he continues to ponder the list, his opponent arrives. Samoan Joseph is here.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
Samoa Joe (ECW debut) defeats The Miz with the Coquina Clutch. In a one minute match, Joe destroys The Miz with kicks, chops, and a brutal submission move. John Morrison appears on the ramp to help his friend, but decides that The Miz will be fine and backtracks. Samoa Joe poses in the ring to end the show.

Current Feud Ratings:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 86%


SWE Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist Pay-Per-View Results

Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist brings in the cheddar. I would sing the song that Vince uses for the Million Dollar Giveaway, which was once Donald Trump's theme, but I don't recall how it goes. That song is too complicated.

William Regal defeats Triple H with the Regal Stretch. At the start of the bout, the referee confiscates Regal's brass knuckles. In the end, Paul Burchill factors into the match and hands Regal another pair of brass knuckles. Regal escapes the Pedigree, then takes Hunter out. The British National Anthem plays as Regal cries with joy.

Undertaker defeats Umaga with the Tombstone. After the pinfall, Umaga rises to his feet and eats a second piledriver. After a third piledriver, Umaga gets up and gives Undertaker the Spike.

Mr. Kennedy defeats CM Punk with the Mic Check. Kennedy flees with the Intercontinental belt before CM Punk can regain his bearings.

MVP defeats Shawn Michaels via overturned decision. Minutes before the finish, Shawn Michaels accidentally superkicks the referee. While Michaels wins the match with a Superkick on MVP, the victory is given to Porter by Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero. Since Shawn attacked an authority figure in a reckless fashion, Shawn loses the match. An irate HBK takes out the second ref with the Superkick.

Natalya defeats Mickie James via submission with the Sharpshooter. Natalya keeps the Sharpshooter on Mickie until the referee hands her the title. Mesmerized by the golden goodness, Natalya breaks the hold and wears the belt... down there.

AJ Styles defeats John Morrison with the Spinal Tap. The Miz' attempt to interfere with a chair backfires, which allows Styles to kick Morrison in the head with the Pelé, then climb up top for the finisher.

Samoa Joe defeats Tommy Dreamer with the Muscle Buster. Dreamer tries to bring weapons into the ring, but Joe cuts him off to win.

Samoa Joe defeats AJ Styles with the Muscle Buster. With Styles standing on the top turnbuckle for the Spinal Tap, Joe jumps to his feet, crotches his opponent on the turnbuckle, then executes his finisher.



Will Triple H get his revenge? When will The Cobras strike? When will Jamie Noble learn? Important questions like these and more will be answered in the next edition of The Booker.

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 43rd

The answer to last week's puzzle:

McMahon's mindset defies mania

In the past few weeks, Vince McMahon's unsuccessful Million Dollar Mania has proven that the chairman of WWE is a whole new kind of crazy. At his age, Vince needs a combination of a straitjacket, a hug, and a punch in the face. If you somehow become as crazy as Vince McMahon, give your one million dollars to Vince to calm him down. With the million, he will not do anything crazy. He just wants to build a rocket ship for iguanas out of stardust.


Rick Astley vs. Rick Astley

When Vince goes batcrap insane
Tune in to RAW on Mondays
You knew he wants you to view
Don't make him show his ass again

Make him stop with the calling
His ratings aren't even falling
A truth I just can't falsify
He's not really learning
It's not really working
He probably needs another try

Rick Astley forever with telephone swerves
Rick Astley forever with you
Vince can't get the reference
He's too out of touch
Rick Astley songs up your wazoos

The Question:
Who wins and how?



We'll learn from the good book.


I took my love down to Violet Hill. There we sat in snow.


When I look in the mirror, I see a one-of-a-kind work of art. During Chris Masters' run with WWE as "The Masterpiece," I wondered whether or not the company was on crazy pills because masterpieces are not glistening muscly men who utilize padlock puns for their own amusement. In my view, masterpieces are objects or individuals that visually inspire awe and admiration. While I am not saying that I am the only masterpiece in the world, I will admit that black-masked crooks are currently attempting to pass through an intricate, red laser security system and a series of soft, velvet ropes to steal me. Of course, action movies have taught us that red laser beams are no match for agile thieves, but I'm hoping that the texture of those velvet ropes will distract them from the heist. They will never believe the softness of those velvet ropes. No one does.

Unlike myself, some of WWE's brightest superstars of yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day before yesterday, the day two weeks removed from the day before yesterday, and Christmas are not one of a kind. To mine eye, they are mere doppelgangers and impersonators to other notable celebrities of our time. Which celebrities do these fellows resemble? If I wanted to be jerk about this whole situation, I wouldn't tell you, but I'm not a jerk. I'm a one-of-a-kind work of art. Do you see how that works? Whatever the case may be, let The Swerved present to you professional wrestlers who are two of a kind.

Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau and John Cena

The sport of baseball is known as America's Pastime, next to the sport of suing everyone who brushes by you and being fat. In 2008, the act of watching World Wrestling Entertainment and professional wrestling in general have emerged as America's newest pastime, besides starring in a reality show and committing unapologetic adultery. Like WWE, the Minnesota Twins -- a well-respected contender from the American League's Central Division -- boasts an impressive roster of talented athletes who can hit baseballs, catch baseballs, and mostly important play with their own baseballs to the cheers of stadium crowds. In particular, powerhouse first basemen Justin Morneau wows Major League Baseball fans with double-decker home runs aplenty. Moreover, Justin Morneau wows The Swerved with his ability to look like former five-bazillion-time WWE Champion John Cena.

Watching a Twins game can be a challenging endeavour for Justin Morneau appears to be John Cena's twin. Conversely, the act of watching RAW is difficult because John Cena appears to be Justin Morneau's twin. While Justin Morneau hails from western Canada, any wrestling fan knows that John Cena comes from West Newbury, Massachusetts. Judging from Cena's video for the song "Right Now," the citizens of West Newbury are allowed to wrestle their buddies in a shirtless state on green grass, which is a no-go in Canada. If Morneau were to wrestle another guy on Canadian grass without a shirt, he would be given a shirt, forced to put on that shirt, forced to level the green grass on which he chose to wrestle, then thrown out of the country for messing up the grass. In other words, Morneau and Cena come from different parts of the continent, but why haven't I seen them in the same room? Have you ever seen both men in one place at one time? If you say you have, you are a liar. Also, you are a magical fairy in a tutu for no good reason. Thanks for nothing, deceptive twinkletoes.

San Diego Padres pitcher Greg Maddux and Finlay

San Diego Padre Greg Maddux -- a former Chicago Cub, Atlanta Brave, and Los Angeles Dodger -- is a legendary hurler with a guaranteed spot in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. As of this writing, Maddux has won 350 games and holds a career 3.12 earned run average. Some have deemed him one of the greatest pitchers of the 90s. Many have claimed him to be one of the best of our generation. If you are a baseball fan, Greg Maddux is a household name. In fact, he is such a household name that he is sitting on your living room couch right now. You better get the man some Gummi bears before he starts something. To me, Greg Maddux is a fantastic player, or is that Finlay? Me so confused.

If you put photos of Greg Maddux and Fit Finlay side by side, you get dizzy. Whenever I think of getting tripped out on the acidic substances, I look at pictures of Maddux and Finlay instead. Which one is the pitcher? Which one is the professional wrestler? Time and time again, I will take a glance at Smackdown and find an Irish-looking Greg Maddux taking out his opponents with a shillelagh. On this side of the border, I do not receive ESPN, but I am going to assume that the actual Greg Maddux refrains from striking out batters with a 90-mile-per-hour shillelagh. Furthermore, I guess the real Greg Maddux doesn't have a leprechaun who is skilled in the art of super soaking for a son. Actually, if you told me that he does, I would be even more impressed because super soaking does not seem to run in his family. In the end, his name is Finlay or Maddux and he likes to fight or pitch.

Ben Folds of Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five fame and Hardcore Holly

For the benefit of the young ones on the web who listen to nothing but a wooden spot banging against a pot, Ben Folds is a critically acclaimed singer-songwriter and the former frontman of the trio known as Ben Folds Five. Until my thirteenth birthday, Ben Folds Five was the band that provided the soundtrack to my life story. Back then, I called my life story "Triple H: The King of Kings; There Can Only Be One," which was a strange title at the time, but I picked it anyway because it represented the person I used to be in an accurate and honest manner. After thirteen, I switched over to better bands like Ace of Base to learn how to see signs. Nevertheless, Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five were my dawgs and might still be my dawgs. By visual association, Bob "Hardcore" Holly is my dawg for looking like Ben Folds. Put Holly in front of the piano, dye what little hair he has left back to his original hair colour, make him somewhat civil and you will have a dead or alive ringer for the folded one.

However, I doubt Hardcore Holly would pen melodic songs about abortion. Then again, I don't know Hardcore Holly as a person. For all I know, he could be named "Hardcore" for his hardcore devotion to book restoration. Forget his radical transformation from a nobody in the J.O.B. Squad to a somebody in the late 90s via WWF's Hardcore Division. Let Holly restore those books. On RAW, a week does not pass without Hardcore Holly looking angry. Do you know why Hardcore Holly is so angry? He found out your shelf is full of mangled books. You have a tattered paperback copy of He's Just Not That Into You and you don't want to restore that classic? For shame.

Former WWE and World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase Jr.

Before I compare little Tedward to young Randall, I want to send a message to the fine people of World Wrestling Entertainment. Listen up, McMahons and the employees stuck up your various holes: I'm not going to think less of Ted DiBiase Jr. if you let him keep the junior title. Just because you take the junior away from his name does not mean that he has become automatically better. Rey Mysterio is no greater than Rey Mysterio Jr. Chavo Guerrero is not a significant improvement over Chavo Guerrero Jr. In fact, Chavo Guerrero is worse than Chavo Guerrero Jr. How did that happen? For the sake of juniors everywhere, let me assure you that the junior title does not equal inferiority. Isn't that right, WWE Junior? Great. Cool beans.

Without witnessing the man wrestle a single match on WWE television, I think Ted DiBiase II shows promise. For one, his mouth is not full of marbles. For two, he looks like he cares whenever he talks on the ramp. On the flipside, Ted DiBiase II does not resemble his wealthy father as much as he appears to be Randy Orton's son. Perhaps Ted and Randy have similar haircuts. Perhaps they have identical bone structure. All I know is that Ted is Randy and Randy is Ted. I am well aware that Randy Orton is not old enough to father Ted DiBiase II, though with modern technology these days, I would not be surprised if he was “The Baby Daddy.” If you told me that I had an eighty-year-old daughter, the news would not shock me either. You see, I have powerful swimmers that can impregnate ladies from past and present generations, women from overseas continents, and female aliens from outer space. When you are a celebrated professional wrestling analyst like myself, the world is your sex oyster.

P.O.D. lead singer Sonny Sandoval and Bret Hart

San Diego, Californian nu metal band P.O.D. (Potatoes on Dialysis) features singer and rapper Sonny Sandoval on lead vocals. With Sonny, P.O.D. has succeeded in the music business as a mutli-platinum act loved by millions of fans around the planet. Together, the band have lent their talents to hit tunes such as "Youth of a Nation," "Boom," and Rey Mysterio's "Booyaka 619," the theme which they performed on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers at WrestleMania 22. One day, The Swerved hopes to author popular articles from fake Chicago skyscrapers. When Americans talk about the American Dream, I believe that they are talking about doing stuff on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers. What else would they desire?

In the past, I mentioned that P.O.D. singer Sonny Sandoval is the love child of Matt Hardy and Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Since that time, I have determined through costly scientific testing that Matt Hardy and Bret Hart cannot procreate because they are both guys. With that theory debunked, I now declare that Sonny Sandoval of P.O.D. (Pennsylvanian Ornery Dieticians) is Bret Hart's look-alike. Whether he is Bret's twin or clone is unknown. Although, I can tell you that both Sonny Sandoval and Bret Hart prefer dark clothing. Think about that fact. Think about that fact forever. Plus, the instance that I catch Sonny put someone in the Sharpshooter or Bret Hart rap-rocking it up, I'll make sure to call you first

Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show and Vladimir Kozlov

As a stern lecturer on all matters upright and appropriate, Frank Oz' Sam the Eagle is a moral muppet. Unlike that beloved green nincompoop Kermit the Frog, Sam the Eagle stands for decency, demands excellence, and bleeds patriotism. He is a bald eagle because he feels that hair corrupts the sanctity of the scalp. He sports a unibrow because he believes that a parted brow suggests a parted nation. Out of the entire muppet clan, Sam the Eagle is an American hero. When I grow up to be a muppet, I plan to model myself after Sam the Eagle. The process of turning my body into an eagle of foam and fleece will take decades to complete, but I am willing to go through the procedure if I am able to right the ways of the Swedish Chef. Bork, bork, bork yourself in private, you pervert. To be honest, don't bork yourself at all.

Like Sam the Eagle, Russian big man wrestler Vladimir Kozlov seeks to bring honour and respect to World Wrestling Entertainment programming. If you followed Vladimir's first introduction to television audiences, you know that Vladimir loved WWE. If you want to know why Vladimir does not love WWE anymore, look no further than Friday Night Smackdown. Every week, performers commit immoral acts without suffering negative consequences. In Kozlov's mind, Friday Night Smackdown is a night for anarchy. Yes, Edge and La Familia are up to no good, but that dastardly Funaki is always up to shenanigans as well. Without the aid of entrance music and with the aid of a spotlight and shimmering white tights, Vladimir Kozlov longs to continue Sam the Eagle's quest to better our world. Get that dastardly Funaki, man. Get him.

Additionally, Kozlov wants to look like a muppet. Mission accomplished ten times over, don't you think?