When you're a world-renowned, professional wrestling analyst like myself, life can be difficult. For one, everyone thinks highly of you because you follow professional wrestling. Each time you walk out the door, a judgmental man in a judgmental suit will come up to you with his judgmental ears and say, "You watch professional wrestling? Why, that makes you a spectacular human being somehow. You are doing God's work or the work of a deity who is of equal or greater value to him. I say, you must be a gift sent from the heavenly clouds above. You critique professional wrestling? Really? You are a better man than I could ever aspire to be. Since professional wrestling fans are the mainstream media darlings of our time, I must bow down to you and your superior nature, good sir. Here, take my wife and first-born daughter as a token of my immense gratitude for your existence. You are the tiniest and shiniest needle in the dry yet pillowy haystack we call modern day society."
For two, professional wrestling is a chore to view. Many years ago, wrestling programming made me believe in myself and others. Today, wrestling programming urges me to wander over to a random five-year-old child's birthday party and punch a giraffe in the neck. If I had to choose between watching a wrestling show and eating an entire bowl of shattered glass and second-hand underwear soup, I would take in the jagged, earthy taste of broken beer bottles and off-white boxers with glee. Despite my negative take on the current wrestling scene, I do have a sliver of hope for a better tomorrow. Although I have minimal optimism for the industry, Vince McMahon is a promoter who seems to be yearning for a wonderful future. Late at night, in his sports entertainment bed under the sports entertainment moonlight, Vince conjures up various schemes to relive his past successes. The annual WWE Draft Lottery is one of those schemes.
Last week, the stars of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW switched places to become the stars of ECW, Smackdown, and RAW. If these drastic changes were not refreshing enough for you, a supplemental draft occurred no more than a few days after Monday Night RAW to shuffle the World Wrestling Entertainment deck even further. For the next two weeks, The Swerved takes a gander at these alarming moves. Who moved where? Who stayed? Who didn't want to leave at all? Most importantly, was Vince McMahon okay after that Million Dollar Mania set conveniently collapsed over, under, and around his body? You are in my prayers, Vince. One time, a balloon brushed against my shoulder. I was pronounced dead three times.
Before I succumb to another Mylar-related attack, let us survey the after... draft... math. Oh, it's hideous. Or, is it?
On Smackdown, Matthew Luscious Hardy was the champion of the United States of America. As United States Champion, Matt represented the country with a tenacious attitude, an undying passion to compete, and a underlying fear of gay marriage and illegal Mexican immigrants. Unfortunately, Alaska and Hawaii were properties of the RAW brand (Alaska was a Heat regular). Thus, Matt Hardy was the United States Champion of only forty-eight of the fifty states. Now that Matt is an ECW superstar, he becomes the champion of even less states. Farewell, Louisiana. I will miss your crayfish. Also, I will miss your inebriated co-eds who present their milk factories for cheap, plastic jewelry. Auf Wiedersehen, Michigan. Your cranial cheeses will always have a place in my heart and on my head. Finally, take it easy, Tennessee. Thank you and your numerous volunteers. One day, I wish you can beat those West Virginia Unpaid Interns.
With his move to ECW, the elder Hardy assumes one of the top spots on the brand by default. On the World Wrestling Entertainment totem pole, he vaults over most of the competition, challenging good guys like Nunzio for number one. While some believe that a Hardy Boyz reunion is long overdue, I am not one of those ignorant believers. If WWE wants to make stars out of both Matthew and Jeffrey, they must let the Hardys free. Let them not be bound to "Take It 2 The Xtreme." Let them transform into full-fledged individuals so they may "Take It 1 and 1 To The Xtreme." Best of luck to you, Matt. Nunzio might be The Rock of today's WWE, but don't let his larger-than-life persona intimidate you. Use your wings and fly from this coop.
The Verdict: For these draft verdicts, I plan to equate each roster change to a wrestling move gone wrong. For instance, a smart roster change is equivalent to a move that slightly tweaks a wrestler's body part or tickles him or her into delightful submission. Conversely, a dumb or nonsensical roster change is equivalent to the permanent loss of a wrester's entire upper body. In the case of Matt Hardy's move from Smackdown to ECW, I give the change what it truly deserves: a back body drop onto a wool sweater -- soft but somewhat uncomfortable. In all, a good move by WWE.
If you don't count ECW's acquisitions in the supplemental draft, Extreme Champion Wrestling came out of Monday Night RAW with a grand total of one wrestler. As the author and creator of this site, I was not even part of Monday's draft yet I snagged five wrestlers for my non-existent brand. Within the next few weeks, I will try my best to figure out how to utilize Ashley Massaro without causing her injury. While I consider my options with Ashley, ECW must cope with the loss of two of their most prominent talents in CM Punk and Kane, the latter of whom is the ECW Champion. Does the brain trust of WWE think that sending the ECW World Champion to Monday Night RAW is a intelligent move? Do they know the meaning of intelligent? Moving Kane to Monday nights transforms him into the ECW champion of RAW, which makes him the champion of nothing. Meanwhile, ECW is left without a championship, which means that nobody can be the champion of anything.
As of this writing, Kane is set to face the Big Show and Mark Henry for the ECW Championship at Night of the Champions. Even if Mark Henry comes out of the Pay-Per-View as the new champion, RAW is left with Kane. I saw Kane on RAW. I saw Kane on RAW more than I needed to see him. Dear WWE; the reason why you sent Kane to Smackdown and ECW was because we all saw Kane on RAW more than we needed to see him. Just because Kane hasn't been on RAW in a while does not give you the right to put him back on the show. I do not want to witness Kane on RAW more than I need to see him for a second time. I've had white bread before. White bread tastes bland. You're giving me white bread again. By giving me white bread again, white bread is not going to taste different. Come on, you cheap bastards. Multi-grain me already.
The Verdict: With this roster move, WWE turns back the clock back to the glory days of 2006. This roster move is an F-U into a slippery YMCA locker room where old men walk around naked, dangling their man business without cause or concern for other people's well-being.
Picture yourself as CM Punk. In the fishbowl that is ECW on Sci-Fi, you are the biggest fish. You are a former ECW Champion, you wrestle entertaining matches against your extreme peers on a weekly basis, and you get considerable exposure on a national scale. If you are CM Punk on ECW, your life is good. If you are CM Punk on RAW, life is good for everyone else. As much as a move to Monday nights could work for CM Punk, the change will be for nought in the hands of World Wrestling Entertainment. If I ran RAW, Punk would get his shot, but I don't because I run my own non-existent brand with Ashley Massaro as my top star. Since McMahon and Company steer the “Good Ship RAWlipop,” CM Punk is a lost sailor in the professional wrestling sea.
Off the top of my noggin, CM Punk has to jump over hurdle after hurdle of WWE superstars to make a significant impact on Monday night television. Every week, CM Punk will have to pull a MacGyver, using a penny, a washcloth, and a crusty old newspaper from 1915 to gain meaningful screen time over Batista, John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Kane, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, and Lance freakin' Cade. Once CM Punk climbs over the impenetrable wall that is Lance Cade's reign of terror on RAW, he will only need to outshine a group of past and present world champions to make himself known. You better make sure you drink your Pepsi, Punk. If RAW's post-draft lineup is any indication, Pepsi will be your only source of happiness. If you're having one right now, go ahead and drink another. You can't rely on Heat anymore.
The Verdict: Good on paper, bad on any other surface. Punk on RAW is a Go 2 Sleep onto a pile of screaming babies.
"Oh my!" says Michael Cole behind his announce table at home. I don't know what specific activities Michael Cole prefers to participate in at home, but I am going to take a bloody stab in the dark and guess that he likes to act as the unofficial play-by-play announcer of his home life. To some extent, his leisure time commentary must mirror his commentary on the job. In other words, Michael Cole invents alternative and unnecessary phrases and names for existing objects around the house that don't require new phrases or names. Oranges become "Orange Citrus Spheres," daybeds become "Dawn Until Nighttime Rest Apparatuses," and the toilet is renamed "The Bodily Function Refuse."
As the former man of Smackdown, Cole turns into the new man of RAW. Out of all the moves in this year's WWE Draft, Michael Cole's jump to RAW was a questionable surprise. For years, Michael Cole was the familiar voice of Tuesday nights, then Thursday nights, and then Friday nights. Michael Cole's Smackdown commentary was something I could set my watch to, other than the actual time provided by my designated time zone. Now that Michael Cole team ups with Jerry Lawler on Mondays, Fridays nights will never be the same. Yes, Friday will still be a blast, but less of a blast without Cole. For your information, only cool people stay at home on Friday nights to watch Friday Night Smackdown. If you are one of the stupid few who go out and have fun, you are quite lame. Have a lame time at the local discotheque, fellows and fillies. As you continue to be uncool, wrestling fans will party it up with Smackdown ring announcer Justin Roberts and Domino without Deuce. Aw fudge yeah. Oh my indeed.
The Verdict: Michael Cole to RAW may very well make Monday nights worse, but at least Friday nights will get better. This roster change is a vintage Undertaker move into a empty vintage record store with dirty, cracked flooring. The shine from your ancient compact discs hurt my youthful eyes, elderly storekeeper.
Before I take a look at this roster move, let me inform you of my plan. The next time I encounter a young child in a colourful mask on Halloween, I will attack that child with multiple steel pipe shots to the knee. When that child recovers from multiple knee surgeries and returns to gain his sweet revenge, he will wrestle like the modern-day Rey Mysterio. In my non-existent wrestling brand which features Ashley Massaro as the top star, this young child will be number two on the totem pole and eclipse Rey as the highest, injury-riddled Mexican high flyer of them all. Game, set, match, Rey. What, what?
Although Rey's stint on Smackdown has cultivated a large Hispanic audience who will follow whatever he does with mindless adoration, his tenure on that show has run its course. For example, I can only see Rey Mysterio versus Chavo Guerrero so many times before I call it quits. Yes, Smackdown gave Rey Mysterio the opportunity to become a World Champion, but that big gold title belt does not mean much these days. When you're a world champion in a company with two other world champions, of what world are you the champion? You can't be the champion of Mars because Martians only like boxing. Some say Rey's title run was a failure; I call those people "right." With past failures and successes behind him, I consider Rey Mysterio's move to RAW as a good thing. Rey Mysterio doing anything new is a golden gift that we must cherish and nurture.
Wait. Uh oh. Now that I have claimed that the move was smart, Chavo Guerrero will show up on RAW and face Rey Mysterio until the planet is no more. Stop it, Chavo. I don't like Mexican Warriors. I prefer my warriors to be Scandinavian. Go away until you move to Sweden and resurface as Chävö Guerrerö: part-time poncho wearer, part-time right winger for Skellefteå AIK of the Swedish Elite League.
The Verdict: I have no problem with Mysterio's move to RAW. This move is equivalent to Droppin' the Dime onto several stacks of dimes. How dare you. I was going to put those dimes in coin wrappers. Maybe I will see you at the next Pay-Per-View, Rey. If I defeat you, you must put my dimes in coin wrappers for me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. In World Wrestling Entertainment, Jeff Hardy has two strikes. I'm not positive that WWE is willing to part with Jeff if he gets a third strike, but if you're young Jeffrey, you will do anything in your power to prevent yourself from striking out. In the past few months, Jeff Hardy has done everything and nothing. On RAW, he has beaten such superstars as Umaga, Umaga, Umaga, Umaga, Carlito, Umaga, Umaga, and Umaga, yet has never managed to gain enough momentum to propel himself into the main event. In my view, Jeff Hardy on RAW is similar to the survivours of Oceanic Flight 815 on LOST -- stuck in a place without a way out. Also like LOST, Jeff tries to escape the mid-card to get to the main event, but then a RAW smoke monster comes along and gives him the Pedigree. Monday night RAW and LOST are kindred television shows.
On June 23, 2008, Jeff Hardy became a Smackdown superstar. While June 23rd was a
depressing day for some stars, Jeff received a new pair of legs. Because Jeff Hardy has escaped the logjam that is the RAW roster, Jeff can twist and flip his way to the Smackdown main event scene. On second thought, that smoke monster was drafted to Smackdown, too. Oh, sassafras. Get out of Smackdown. Get out of Smackdown while the commentator still think you have rainbow hair even though you don’t.
The Verdict: A fine roster move. This change gets a Whisper in the Wind which turns into a Twist of Fate. Jim Ross has his day in the sun. Bask in the rays, JR. Bask in the rays.
After he found out that he was drafted to Friday night, the expression on Jim Ross' face said it all -- good riddance to RAW, hello to Smackdown. What a twist. Though Ross was clearly depressed about the move, he was not sad for himself. Truly, Jim Ross felt bad for the millions of wrestling fans. Every Monday until the end of the world, you will have to listen to Michael Cole joke it up with Jerry Lawler. Ross sends his deepest condolences to you, your family, and your extended family. Do you have a bomb shelter? Does that bomb shelter have enough water and dried oats? If your bomb shelter is stocked in an adequate fashion, I suggest you live in that bomb shelter until WWE decides to right the universe back to its original form.
In reaction to Ross' jump to Smackdown, I have faith that this could be an excellent move. Although you lose the familiar tandem of Ross and Lawler, you gain the impressive and knowledgeable duo of Jim Ross and Mick Foley. When you have two veteran personalities with a passion for wrestling, you have yourself quality television. For some reason, if Ross' stint on Friday nights does not work out, do not fret. At the very least, the team of Mike Adamle and Tazz remains intact on ECW. Without Mike Adamle's insightful and witty comments, life does not make much sense. You're our North Star, Adamle. Take us home.
The Verdict: Jim Ross to Smackdown is a toss-up. As Smackdown improves, RAW's commentary team hangs in the balance. Can Cole fill the empty Black Resistol hat that Ross left behind? This roster change is a Stone Cold Stunner within an inflatable castle made of chocolate. You have not lived until you have taken a stiff blow to the neck and chin area in a bouncy room, built with the assistance of Cacao seeds.
Umaga's long-awaited jump to Smackdown goes to all the baby's mamas and the baby’s mama's mamas. Plus, one billion points to WWE for moving the Samoan Bulldozer to a brand that has not been bulldozed by a man of Samoan descent before. In the past, Umaga has proven himself as a talented wrestler in grueling battles with Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and Jeff Hardy. Now that Thrilliam Regal is not present on RAW to call him "Youmanga," I have no interest in Umaga as a RAW superstar anymore. World Wrestling Entertainment can dress him up in wraparound skirts, give him bright wrestling attire, and make him dedicate violence to the isle of Samoa all they want, but the RAW magic is gone.
With the move, Umaga gains longevity. I don't need to tell you which Smackdown feuds will be great for Umaga because I have told you about them before, but I will say that Umaga must befriend The Great Khali in order to make it big on Friday nights. When Umaga and Khali first teamed up on RAW, I cried tears of joy. I cried so much that I provided water supply to ten, third-world countries for an entire decade. Unless WWE can find it in their black souls to provide me that kind of joy once more, I beg them to reunite Umaga with The Great Khali. Rumour has it that if Umaga teams with The Great Khali three times in a row, a portal will open up in Cleveland, Ohio to another dimension where life is eternal, everyone is model hot, and alcohol is free and plentiful. Don't you want to live in that world? Don't you want to live forever, surrounded by sexy ladies who give you tropical flavoured wine coolers to your heart's content? Don't you want to live the life that I live every other day of the week?
The Verdict: Despite the fact that Umaga’s move to Smackdown was as certain as Nancy Grace’s jump from the Four Horsemen to RAW, the Samoan Bulldozer does have a promising future on the blue show. Since his future is so bright, I would ask Umaga to wear shades, but I bet he would rather lean the sun against the corner and run into it with his butt. For the ladies, Umaga to Smackdown attains a Samoan Spike to your lower lady parts. Congratulations.
At first, Mr. Kennedy turned up the trouble on Smackdown with success. During his ascent to the top of the brand, he gained much notoriety as an arrogant loudmouth who could simultaneously walk and chew gum. In WWE, a performer who can simultaneously walk and chew gum is rare. Just before his jump to RAW in last year's draft, Ken Kennedy was in line to get revenge on Edge, the man who stole his Money in the Bank briefcase and put him on the injury shelf. Since WWE likes to present stories with a beginning and middle but no end, the World Heavyweight Champion never got his comeuppance from one Ken Kennedy.
Throughout his time on RAW, I wondered when Mr. Kennedy would get his shot against the Rated-R Superstar. In 2008, I am glad that Kennedy is a Smackdown star with his sights set on Edge. Last week, you saw Kennedy. He pointed at Edge. He pointed at Edge with an angry expression on his face. He pointed at Edge with an angry expression on his face while he chewed gum. What? Are you serious? Ken Kennedy can walk, chew gum, and point at Edge with an angry expression on his face? He is a triple threat. Watch out, those of you who can't walk, those of you who swallow their gum, and those of you who don't have an index finger to point at Edge with an angry expression on your face. Ken Kennedy is ready to turn up the trouble to the highest setting -- a whole bunch.
The Verdict: Mr. Kennedy should not have been drafted to RAW in the first place. What the heaven, guys? Are you high on the under-the-counter drugs? His return to Smackdown is like a fireman saving you from a burning building in a fireman's carry position, only to put you back into the fire via Ken Kennedy's fireman's carry roll dealie. Sarcastic big ups to WWE for this move.
Whenever the WWE Draft occurs on television, my feelings are mixed. Of course, RAW, Smackdown, and ECW require a roster move now and then to keep the brands fresh. Nevertheless, the fact that the WWE Draft consists of supposedly random roster picks does not sit well with me. When you appoint a general manager to a certain organization, you expect them to general manage that organization. Therefore, what in tarnations is the role of the general manager in a draft lottery? Do they sit in a chair backstage for three hours and eat pork rinds? If WWE wants to do a logical draft next year, perhaps they should let each brand's general manager make roster moves through trades. Case closed with a lock on that case. That lock is closed as well.
With that said, Triple H to Smackdown could have been a power trade by the genius herself: Vickie Luscious Guerrero. Do you recall that time in 2004 when Triple H was traded back to RAW from Smackdown for Booker T, The Dudley Boyz, an airplane, the population of Ghana, and a partridge in a pear tree? This year, I wanted to see Triple H get sent to Smackdown for every Smackdown wrestler except Edge. That way, Edge can face Triple H all the time because he enjoys his company so much. Good times.
Hunter leaving RAW paves the way for a rekindled rivalry with the Undertaker and an eventual money feud with that dastardly Funaki. In my mind, Triple H to Smackdown is great. Super great. Triple H's jump to Smackdown is so amazing, I want to cartwheel over a cliff into a ocean full of sharks. I'm so happy.
The Verdict: Every draft should feature a move like Triple H to Smackdown. This roster move is an Arn Anderson-style spinebuster into a wicker basket of puppy dogs and kittens. While the impact will end the life of many of those puppy dogs and kittens, those deaths were adorable.
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