Every wrestling fan believes they can book World Wrestling Entertainment to greatness. They ponder dream matches in their head and map out memorable moments that will last twenty lifetimes. You, the reader who reads, has dedicated your undivided attention and paper dollars to the talented people of WWE for years, yet you still think that you can do better than the professionals. This week, The Swerved assumes the role that wrestling enthusiasts across the land wish to have. Without further delay, I will become the booker for the company you have grown to hate yet love at the same time: World Wrestling Entertainment. I am no magician. I am not a miracle worker. Unlike the gentle carpenter, I cannot tune water into wine.
What I can do is transform WWE into a dynamic and unstoppable entertainment juggernaut.
Brace yourselves, strap on your seatbelts, and take note of the emergency exits to your left and to your right. With the mere power of my own mind, I give you the second installment of The Booker. Gather around, townspeople. Let us rejoice and read plans from The Good Book.
Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Why? Because Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is out of this world. See what I did there? I took five years off to think up that gem. Are you happy? I forgot what food tastes like. Does it taste like paint by any chance?
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment begins from square-circled one. The company brings you brand new matches, feuds, rivalries, interviews, and segments for your personal enjoyment. Sadly, I will not be able to top The Great Khali's segment on Smackdown in which he offered a goat to the Big Show. In my neck or neckular area of the woods, goats are beardtastic yet sparse. Sorry.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not reflect the current state of World Wrestling Entertainment. In other words, William Regal has not been suspended, the Undertaker has not "left" WWE, and Mike Adamle is not a constant delight.
- Wrestlers will stick to wrestling on their designated brand. If you need to see Hornswoggle on all three shows, may the Pope Todd Grisham have mercy on your sports entertainment soul.
- In the archives section of this site, check the first edition of The Booker to admire the golden days of yesteryear. Do you remember the good old days of last month? Pepperidge Farm doesn't because it is a farm.
- Each installment of The Booker concludes with a monthly Pay-Per-View. As a professional wrestling analyst, I am not a machine. I am a boy carved out of wood.
Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist -- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's first ever Pay-Per-View event -- brings together the stars of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW to take hard earned money from your manly wallets and change purses before you wise up and buy food, shelter, and clothing. Unlike WWE Night of Champions, Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist features feuds and matches that matter. You won't see wrestlers tripping each other in a cutesy way. You won't see two men fighting over a toaster strudel; rather, you will witness intense rivalries over prestigious championships. Take a trip to the fantasy world and order Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist from your non-existent Pay-Per-View provider today.
June 29, 2008
Presented by Carlito. Carlito: I don’t like Triple H. I want to get fired.
Triple H (c) vs. William Regal
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Umaga
SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE United States Title Match
MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
SWE Women's Championship Match
Mickie James (c) vs. Natalya
ECW Championship Tournament Semifinal Matches
AJ Styles vs. John Morrison
Samoa Joe vs. Tommy Dreamer
***
- Rehab for Garrison.
- SWE Champion Triple H attempts to begin RAW with another twenty-minute opening segment. This time, he's the guest on Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel. At the five-minute mark, William Regal joins Hunter and engage in a stare down with the champion. As the ultimate insult, Regal calls Hunter "scattered clouds" rather than the tried and true "sunshine.” Oh no he did not. Triple H challenges Regal to a fight, but William refrains. Regal looks at the showy belt with a maniacal expression, then walks back up the ramp.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela tries to interview LAX about their attack on Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez bow down to Korpela and rush out of the shot without saying a word.
- For the first time, Natalya appears on RAW to run down the women's division. Pish Tosh. Ashley Massaro is a technical marvel. Natalya vows to win the SWE Women's Championship at any cost. As a homage to her father, Natalya strokes her beard... down there. Nice work, lady.
- A video montage hypes the arrival of Rey Mysterio to Monday Night RAW. Since the clips are quick and Mysterio's various attires are so colourful, children become susceptible to a sight I like to call "The Epileptic Rainbow." What fun we are having.
- Backstage, Chris Jericho watches the hype video and smirks. What are you up to, Jericho? Perhaps something worthy of a smirk.
- Vince McMahon makes history by hyping the Intercontinental Championship, a title held by such superstars as The Rock, Steve Austin, and Billy Gunn. He announces that ten superstars will compete in a battle royal on the next edition of RAW to determine the new Intercontinental Champion. As he walks out of the ring, Mr. Kennedy comes down to proclaim that he will be the next best Intercontinental Champion of our generation. Better than Billy Gunn? I think not. He was "The One." You might be "The Two," but you are not "The One."
- At the commentary table, RAW colour analyst JBL hypes up his RAW main event match against Triple H. John initiates his serious face and promises a bloodbath of bloodbathian proportions. Before battle, JBL downs a bottle of MamaJuana energy drink. Silly, JBL. You can't defeat Triple H by doing him.
- Via video message, King William Regal announces that he supports Triple H as WWE Champion. As the King of WWE, he does not strive for war. He desires peace. You go, Regal. You go.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Chris Jericho about his feelings on Rey Mysterio's upcoming RAW debut. Jericho claims that he will welcome Mysterio with open arms. Korpela asks Jericho about the meaning of "open arms" as a phrase because no human being can unveil the contents of his or her arms without suffering massive blood loss. In return, Jericho smacks him. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment allows its wrestlers to smack Jack Korpela for being Jack Korpelan, but not Todd Grisham. After all, he is the Pope.
- Through video, Homicide and Hernandez taunt Cryme Tyme at length with a video of their attack on JTG's shin. You should've known better, JTG or JTG's shin.
- In a special segment, John Cena answers questions from his fans in a segment entitled "The John is Here." Mary from Twin Falls, Idaho asks, "Why are you so dreamy?" John has no answer. Good segment, John.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela recovers from Jericho’s smack to interview Mr. Kennedy about his Intercontinental title win. Ken shouts his name a bunch of times, then looks around the backstage area for Punk. One minute later, he hears a noise in the background and runs off in a frightened state. Like his idol Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. Kennedy runs away from harm.
- JBL leaves the commentary table to prepare for his title match against Triple H. Watch out, Hunter. He's going to drink a case of MamaJuana Energy drinks. His bone is for you.
- Chris Jericho walks down to the ring and announces that Rey Mysterio will be on RAW in two weeks. Jericho declares that Mysterio's career on RAW will begin with an appearance on the Highlight Reel. No wicked shenanigans ever occur on the Highlight Reel. Those who enjoy highlights in reel form are aware of this obvious fact.
- William Regal makes his grand entrance to the ring and waves to the fans from a golden throne that is mounted on an elaborate English float. When Regal enters the ring, he gloats about his attack on Hunter. He states that Triple H is nothing but a self-proclaimed king and does not deserve to be called champion. Regal calls for footage of his attack on Hunter to be played on the Titantron. Through watery eyes, he watches the footage with pride. While he attempts to view the video once more, John Cena walks out to ruin the party. Cena claims that Regal was, is, and will never be king as long as "The Champ" is around. Regal laughs at the comment, informing Cena that he needs to be an actual champion in order to be called "The Champ." Oh no he did not again. Before a fight breaks out, Cena and Regal agree to engage in a competition of fisticuffs at show’s end.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Natalya about her upcoming match at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist against Mickie. Natalya wishes to break Mickie's back and take her title. This battle is going to be delightful.
- Jim Duggan walks down a hallway with 2x4 in hand for his match against Ken Kennedy. Wrestling fans love this segment because they love hallways.
- Back from another important commercial break, Cryme Tyme stand in the ring and call out LAX. At this point, JTG's shin is in a cast, which is good. although, JTG chooses to expose his other shin by rolling up his pant leg. I am going to guess that JTG doesn't like having shins. From afar, LAX talks smack about Shad and JTG. In noticeable pain, Cryme Tyme invites LAX to enter the ring. Without hesitation, Hernandez and Homicide run down but back off once Cryme Tyme use tire irons to either prepare themselves to fix automobiles or defend themselves. Any way you put it, Cryme Tyme is ready.
- Paul Burchill and Katie Lea Burchill commend William King for his efforts as King of SWE. Paul and Katie inform him that they support his cause every step of the way. This segment is very British. If you watch this segment five times in a row, you will become Michael Caine.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela gets a hold of Homicide and Hernandez. LAX mocks Cryme Tyme and urges them to fight like real men. LAX fights nothing like an airport.
- With the old-school, grey curtain behind him, CM Punk sends Mr. Kennedy the following message: Kennedy is one and done at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist. CM Punk is addicted to competition and sending lame messages.
- Backstage, Deuce 'N Domino eat Dominios. In the locker room, they come across a perturbed Cryme Tyme. They make fun of Shad and JTG and claim that Cryme Tyme is afraid of LAX. Shad and JTG react to their opinions with a backstage brawl. Some of Heat's greatest legends break up the scuffle. The world is yours, Val.
- Chris Jericho presents the last Rey Mysterio hype video before the man’s debut on RAW. He cannot wait to interview Mysterio on the Highlight Heel and find out Rey’s plans for the future. He hopes to introduce fans to the real Rey Mysterio -- the Rey Mysterio that resembles a balding toddler.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews SWE Women's Champion Mickie James. Mickie responds to Natalya's comments with a warning. Natalya better watch her back because Mickie will be present at the announce table tonight. Uh oh. At the top of the hour, she's going to call you a poopy head. Be careful.
- The montage of Regal's attack on Triple H plays. You know what? We haven't seen Triple H in a while. We will never see him again. I bet my life savings on black.
- John Cena arrives in a daze. Hooray for lateness and wrestlers who choose to ignore serious storyline concussions.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews William Regal. The King of SWE tells Korpela that he is saddened about John Cena's condition. While he does not think Cena will be able to compete tonight, he will show up for the match. Also, Regal gives a shout-out to Triple H. What, what. Holla at yo boy.
Triple H vs. William Regal: 87%
CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy: 89%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 76%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 38%
***
-Mick Foley has sustained a brutal neck injury from sitting in a chair behind a desk. He will be out for eight months... right here... in Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah.
- A mock instructional video plays to introduce karate masters Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter. Together, Doane and Jeter are The Cobras, a tag team set to bring honour and spirit to Friday Night Smackdown. Ken Doane breaks a wooden board with a forceful exhale, then Johnny Jeter roundhouse kicks a broken merry-go-round to make it spin. Finally, the tandem of Doane and Jeter work as one to demolish an old building with knife-edge chops. In conclusion, The Cobras are my new best friends.
- New Smackdown talent Shawn Michaels arrives in the building. Stars like The Heartbreak Kid are always late for shows, but the fans don't care. Punctuality is not a quality that factors into fans' interest with a professional wrestler. Mostly, they dig it when a wrestler finds his way through a corridor that only leads one way. If the wrestler gets lost in that corridor, expect many jeers.
- In the ring, Shawn Michaels greets the Smackdown fans, but Montel Vontavious Porter interrupts the introduction. Porter runs down Michaels accomplishments. He tells Shawn that he is no match for MVP. Shawn and MVP engage in a shoving match before magic occurs to spark the band of Smackdown referees to intervene. The two men are separated, which allows MVP to gloat from a distance. Unwilling to let Porter free, Michaels marches back into the ring, superkicks Porter's face off, and trades in his HBK brand cowboy hat for MVP's do-rag. Flawless victory for Shawn.
- Backstage, London and Kendrick meet Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore. Yang and Moore claim that they're the best high-fliers on Smackdowns; London and Kendrick disagree. Following ten minutes of awkward conversation, the two teams walk out of the shot. Success, I guess.
- In the ring, Chavo Guerrero challenges any wrestler in the back to a match. Hornswoggle appears to Chavo's delight, but Finlay follows to Chavo's chagrin. Bam Neely looks on like Roadkill if Roadkill loved the Bowflex.
- New Smackdown interviewer Maria regains her charming, ditzy persona in an interview with Edge. She chooses to call him "Corner" and "Surface." The former World Heavyweight Champion promises the audience that he will be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment in no time, starting with his main event match versus the Big Show. Actually, nobody can be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment because my company is not a thing. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is a state of mind, such as euphoric or hungry.
- A new segment is born that will be the sure-fire highlight of every Friday night. The Great Khali hosts the first episode of Night Khals, an interview segment which involves sit-down interviews with SWE's greatest superstars of today and tomorrow. Tonight, Khali's guest is Vladimir Kozlov. Khali and Kozlov discuss teen pregnancy, the war in Iraq, and Kozlov's favourite breakfast treat. The answer may surprise you. Move aside, Charlie Rose.
- In the last segment of the show, Mike Adamle introduces Umaga -- Smackdown’s newest and perhaps best acquisition. Umaga makes his Smackdown debut with a vicious attack on Adamle and several SWE officials and referees. No, Charles Robinson, no. Umaga props Little Naitch in the corner and runs at him with his own butt, which hurts despite the cushion of said butt. In the center of the ring, Umaga screams out to the rafters for the Undertaker. In the final seconds of Friday Night Smackdown, Umaga hears a loud gong and turns to the entranceway. End of show. Suspense-a-mundo.
- In the ring, Maria interviews Edge, Chavo Guerrero, and Vickie Guerrero about their recent tomfoolery. Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero states that Edge and Chavo do what they need to do to win, which is a strategy that other Smackdown superstars are too stubborn to adopt. In the middle of the segment, Finlay arrives to confront Chavo, but Edge interferes in his business. Vickie announces that Edge will face Finlay in the main event. Good idea, you wheelchairlicious hussy.
- Backstage, Batista speaks of unfinished business with Umaga, whom he defeated at WrestleMania XXIV. When Batista can't compete in matches for the World Heavyweight Championship, look for him to bully people for no apparent purpose.
- Once Porter gets the three count, he heads backstage. While he tries to turn the corner, he meets HBK. Michaels' foot emerges from the backstage curtain to superkick Porter in the face for the second week in a row. For the record, unexpected, foot-related violence is welcome in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment as well.
- On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali gives Jamie Noble the forum to refute Vladimir Kozlov's breakfast food claims. Other topics that The Great Khali and Jamie Noble touch upon are the positives and the negatives of the new 3G iPhone, the long-term benefits of fibre, and the dwindling quality of M. Night Shyamalan films. Unfortunately, Vladimir Kozlov is not present to respond to Noble’s comments with his fists.
- Chavo Guerrero searches for Edge in the backstage area, but meets the Big Show instead. After Chavo insults him, Big Show chokes the man until Bam Neely appears to protect Chavo. As Bam and Chavo walk away, Big Show laughs. In my mind, Big Show laughs like a shy Japanese school girl. Also, Mark Jindrak.
- With Smackdown security behind his back, Theodore Long calls out Umaga to the ring. The Samoan Bulldozer complies and stares at Long, who reprimands him for his actions last week. Umaga goes nuts and takes out Long with the Samoan Spike. He continues his rampage with Samoan Spikes to the Smackdown security team. That wasn’t secure at all.
- The arena turns pitch black with the lightning and what not. When the lights return, Undertaker stands behind Umaga with a furious look on his face. As Umaga looks over his shoulder, the lights switch off. When they come back, Undertaker is nowhere to be seen. End of show. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so excited. I'm so scared.
- On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali invites Jamie Noble back on the show to express his feelings about high gasoline prices, advancements in robot technology, and Vladimir Kozlov. Noble badmouths Vladimir for his views and wrestling ability. The Great Khali tries to end the segment, but Noble gets in his face. Next, Noble jumps up to slap The Great Khali. This match is on like a kid with a bonbon.
- Maria interviews Batista about his match against Umaga tonight. The Veiny One declares that he will hurt Umaga. If I were Umaga, I would not wrestle Batista. While Batista's words could mean that the man wants to cause physical pain on you, he may want to inflict emotional pain. Umaga may have skeletons in his closet that he is unwilling to acknowledge. Knowing Batista, anything could happen. He knows about the time you had to wear headgear to your junior prom, Umaga. He's in your kitchen.
- Edge, Chavo Guerrero, Vickie Guerrero, and Bam Neely hang out backstage and laugh in a maniacal fashion. What they do have up their sleeves? Most likely arms. Keep cool, Big Show and Finlay.
- In their second instructional video, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter teach viewers how to fight back against the most powerful enemies -- kindergarteners. To prepare, The Cobras paint fences, smooth out patio decks, and wash vintage cars before their playground battle against a entire class of five-year-olds. By the end of the segment, young children are down on the ground, bloodied and battered. Doane mentions that The Cobras are here to stay. Johnny Jeter agrees, then tells the kids to not drink from unmarked bottles found under the sink. I love you.
- Maria interviews the Big Show about his upcoming tag match. Hornswoggle stares up at Show in awe as Finlay smacks the end of his shillelagh against the palm of his hand. Big Show tells La Familia to bring along Bam Neely because he enjoys the company of people with names that rhyme with Cam Neely. Who doesn't?
- Through video message, Shawn Michaels tells MVP that he will Superkick his way to the United States Championship. What do you plan to do, Shawn? Superkick the belt out of his hands? Actually, I would pay good money to see you Superkick the United States Championship from MVP's hands. Superkicks solve many global problems. Can you superkick global warming for me?
- Umaga prepares for his match against Batista. How does a Samoan savage prepare? Not well.
- In the ring, Chavo Guerrero informs the crowd that Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero has booked a match that will pit Hornswoggle against a member of La Familia. With great reluctance, Finlay and Hornswoggle walk to the ring and find out Hornswoggle's opponent. At this point, Chavo Guerrero introduces Hornswoggle to Bam Neely.
- As they enter the backstage area, the Big Show ambushes Chavo and Neely. Chavo and Neely rush over to Vickie Guerrero's office. Vickie throws the Big Show out of the building. Well, she can't literally throw him because he's large, but she gets Smackdown security to escort him out of the arena. If she could throw him, I want to see that on DVD with the extras and everything.
- Backstage once more, London and Kendrick confront Yang and Moore. London and Kendrick congratulate Yang and Moore on their win two weeks ago. In return, the latter team compliments the former team on their victory last week. The teams wish one another good luck in their match tonight, only for both teams to claim that they don't need any well-wishes. They don't need well-wishes? What am I going to do with these two flower bouquets?
- This episode of Night Khals features a roundtable discussion with The Great Khali, Vladimir Kozlov, and Jamie Noble. Khali and Vladimir criticize Jamie Noble's recent actions. In return, Jamie Noble tells them that they are responsible for his actions because their questionable conduct has driven him to madness. Khali tells Noble that he must be accountable for his behaviour. Vladimir chimes in to add that if the entire population was accountable for their actions, we would be living in a better world. Next, Jamie Noble slaps both men in their faces. This night will not end well for one tiny man.
- Shawn Michaels invites MVP to have a heart-to-heart chat in the ring. Montel Vontavious Porter emerges from the back with a lady on each arm and relays to Shawn that he doesn't have the time to talk. Porter bids farewell and tells HBK that he will see him at the Pay-Per-View. With Porter's back turned, Shawn follows him up the ramp, gains his attention, and nails another Superkick. I look forward to the day that Shawn Michaels can only execute the Superkick. On that day, I will finally be happy.
- Edge shares a moment with Vickie in her office, which is ruined by Finlay. Father and son demand retribution. Vickie rewards Finlay's tenacity by throwing the father and the son out of the building. That's cold.
- Ever so slowly, the Undertaker makes his dramatic entrance and waits in the corner of ring. With Umaga in the opposite corner, both wrestlers get ready to fight. As they are about to sprint full speed at each other, the Smackdown security team prevents them from touching. Umaga and the Undertaker battle through the crowd and connect with light punches to the head, but get forced apart. Go home again. If you are home, leave your house, then return to your house. It's Pay-Per-View time.
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
MVP vs. Shawn Michaels: 84%
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore: 59%
***
ECW
Stuff is happening.
- To start off the first episode of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi, Disco Inferno debuts as the new General Manager of the show. He declares that an eight-man tournament will be held to determine the new ECW Champion. Disco puts his stamp on ECW by installing a mirror ball high above the ring. As the show goes to commercial, Disco dances all the way to the back. If Disco was not available in this fantasy world, you know that I would have hired Alex Wright. If you are not a fan of Disco Inferno or Alex Wright, I hate you so much right now.
- Back from break, ECW's new play-by-play announcer Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco Inferno and the fans of ECW. Next, the Pope Todd Grisham and new colour analyst Armando Alejandro Estrada introduce the first tournament bout: Tommy Dreamer versus Elijah Burke.
- An elaborate video hypes the debut of a new wrestler. A dark figure eclipses the setting sun. Venezuela Bartholomew is ecstatic.
- The second installment of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi begins with GM Disco Inferno in the ring. He welcomes Matt Sydal to the show, the newest signee to the ECW brand. Before Sydal gets the chance to speak, Disco Inferno holds another disco dance party. Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco for the second time. The arena audience stays alive.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews Kofi Kingston on his upcoming quarter-final match. Though Kofi does not know his opponent’s identity, he is optimistic to come out of the match looking like Beenie Man. In that case, Kofi is an automatic winner.
- The dark figure returns (in a video). In two weeks, ECW is about to get a whole lot more Samoan. Can ECW get any more Samoan than Colin Delaney? Only television can tell through moving pictures.
- Matt Sydal is treated by that doctor that shows up on television with the white gloves and the creepy, high-pitched voice. No, that man is not Michael Cole. Kelly Kelly walks into the room and asks if Sydal will be all right. Sydal says, "Hey, I used to be a male model" Kelly says, "Hey, I used to be horrible at everything." True, true.
- Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin knock on the door to Disco Inferno's office. Both men argue that they deserve better, but Disco can't hear them because he is playing his groovy records too loud. As Burke and Benjamin try to destroy the record on the turntable, Disco Inferno stops them. He assures the two men that they will get their shot. Burke and Benjamin walk off mad, shouting that Disco needs to switch to MP3s. Disco doesn't know what that means.
- A video montage declares that a certain Samoan someone will debut next week. No, it's not Colin Delaney. He's already in ECW. What a non-Samoan fool, you are.
- Mike Knox opens the show by predicting that he will defeat The Boogeyman. I don't think you will, Mike Knox. I sense that you are a poor psychic.
- Matt Sydal sucks it up for a match against Big Daddy V and Matt Striker. Kelly Kelly approaches him and wonders if he needs any help to get to the ring. Matt Sydal assures Kelly that he will be fine. Matt Sydal is not going to live.
- In the ring, The Miz calls out his mystery opponent for the ECW Championship Tournament. He runs down some names of possible opponents. Could it be? Essa Rios up in this mother? As he continues to ponder the list, his opponent arrives. Samoan Joseph is here.
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 86%
***
SWE Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist Pay-Per-View Results
NEXT TIME
Will Triple H get his revenge? When will The Cobras strike? When will Jamie Noble learn? Important questions like these and more will be answered in the next edition of The Booker.
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