Monday, January 25, 2010

Wrestling Serenades: Sheamus and Michael Bolton

Sheamus wonders how he is supposed to live without Michael Bolton's music in his life.



Let's hear it for friendship.


I did it my way with people I love. I do not regret one second of anything that we've done here.


In all my years of writing on the Internet, I have been called many names. Some of those names were complimentary to my physical appearance, while others have been kind to my intelligent mind. If I have one regret in my life, it is that I have never been called "stupid." Despite my numerous attempts to adopt this name in place of my own, it hasn’t happened for me. Judging from the way I’ve been treated, I don't believe it is ever going to happen. This realization is why I am mad jealous of one Kofi Kingston.

At the end of a recent match between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston, Randy christened Kofi as the personification of stupid. I'm not sure what I would give up to have this wonderful title placed unto me, but let me assure you that I would give up plenty. Wherever you are in this smart world, I tip my hat to you, Kofington. I tip my whole collection of hats toward you.

To give wrestling fans a general idea of what it means to be Kofi Kingston and stupid, I have created a system that will differentiate a stupid Kingston from a really stupid Kingston. Similar to the U.S. Homeland Security Threat Level Chart, this chart will inform citizens about Kingston-esque stupidity in their area. As the creator of this system, I highly recommend fans to refer to this chart whenever they are watching WWE programming and or Kofi Kingston.

In the years to come, I hope this chart will serve as an effective teaching tool for those who are thirsty for stupid knowledge. As a precaution, I urge Kofi Kingston to refrain from reading this chart. You will be confused for you are dumb.

Level 1: Stupid

Kofi Kingston does many stupid things. If you have witnessed someone do one of the following things, that guy is stupid, but not Kofi Kingston stupid as of yet. Urge him to keep at it.

- He brushes his teeth, using someone else's tube of toothpaste. After he brushes his teeth, he forgets to screw the cap back onto the tube.
- He walks down to the ring, which holds Randy Orton, John Cena and WWE Champion Sheamus. Even though he hasn't shown why he should receive a shot at the WWE Championship, he demands one anyway. At least he was invited... by nobody.
- He boom drops you through a table, which was a perfectly serviceable table until he came along. The fact that he hates tables just as much as another human being is disturbing to you.
- He suddenly drops his Jamaican accent, allowing Triple H to make a funny. That should never happen.
- The weird space between his pectorals is vast, which is almost as distracting as Rob Van Dam's weird butt sweat. Almost.

Level 2: Stupid, Stupid

To reach this level of stupidity takes guts, perseverance, and the will to be stupid. At this level, you are hesitant to call him stupid, but you want to. Next time, suggest that he work hard, play hard, and live hard. Then, maybe one day, you won't have to second guess yourself anymore.

- He watches the 1993 Disney film Cool Runnings. Immediately, he identifies with the four Jamaican bobsledders who competed at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Although, he hails from Massachusetts.
- He watches the 1993 Disney film Cool Runnings for the second time. Once again, he identifies with the four Jamaican bobsledders who competed at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. On his second viewing, he cheers for the Germans.
- He wears a Jamaican-themed track suit, yet refuses to put on a fitting pair of Jamaican-themed track pants. He hopes this devilish move proves to the ladies that out of all the men in the arena, he can get his pants off the fastest.
- He wears colourful sweatbands, but does not do so to wipe the sweat from his forehead during matches. Apparently, he only wears sweatbands because they keep his wrists warm in the winter.
- He works with WWE to create his first logo. Combining the biggest influences in his life (Bob Marley and vegetables), he comes up with a picture of a Rastafarian turnip.

Level 3: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

He works hard to be stupid. He works so hard to be stupid. He works hard to be stupid so Randy Orton better get his name right. Even though the man may not see him, Randy is close to throwing a fit at the moment. Randy is slamming the mat, yelling at the referee, and kicking the ropes. That stupid man is making Randy hate mats, referees, and ropes. That's hatred for two physical objects and one living object. That stupid man is doing great.

- He vandalizes your customized stock car, featuring your likeness, which was given to you as a gift. As payback, he encourages you to vandalize his customized stock car, featuring his likeness, which was given to him as a gift. What a sneaky, no-customized-stock-car-having bastard.
- He transforms into former TGIF child star Jaimee Foxworth by letting down his hair, shaving his face, and taking copious amounts of estrogen pills. He endures this process in order to appear at Family Matters conventions as a grown-up Judy Winslow, stealing Foxworth's loyal fanbase.
- He shows off his agility by leaping into the corner and showering his opponent with ten punches. It appears as though his unique way of leaping into the corner does not give him a particular offensive advantage, but lets him put his junk in his opponent's face without delay.
- WWE Diva Kelly Kelly is about to take a shower. She walks into your kitchen, wearing a towel while holding a loofah on a stick. Kelly asks for some cleansing assistance, emphasizing the need to have someone clean her back area. The man, in full ring attire, leaves an entire glass and pitcher of orange juice on the table in order to tend to her. Orange juice isn't free, you stupid man.
- Learning a important lesson from his former tag team partner CM Punk, he gains an appreciation for Pepsi. Unfortunately, the only brand that seems to quench his thirst is Holiday Spice Pepsi.

Level 4: Barrel O' Stupid

He's done it now. You and Randy Orton want to have a word with him — a stupid word. Randy is about ready to rough him up real good. While he is working the body, he will ask you to hold the man down. Assist Randy, but get in a few shots for yourself.

- During a Jamaican rainstorm, he increases the degree of trouble experienced in paradise by sporadically removing tiny umbrellas from vacationers' drinks.
- He continues to team up with Mark Henry to gain the power to break through walls and promote the nutritional benefits of Kool-Aid.
- When he walks down the ramp, he slaps hands with fans. Although it appears that he desires to have a close and friendly relationship with his fans, he only slapped hands with them because he thought they were going to give him secret, 20-dollar tips for a job well done.
- Due to careless mispronunciations of his name, he gains revenge on Sharon Osbourne, Kyle Busch, and Joey Logano. First, he runs over Busch and Logano with your vandalized stock car. Next, he dunks in Sharon Osbourne's face. Sharon tries to defend the dunk, but commits her sixth foul in the game of life.
- Wondering what it feels like to kick an unsuspecting Bret Hart in the groin, he kicks an unsuspecting Bret Hart in the groin. In your opinion, he shouldn't have done it while Bret was relieving himself, though.

Level 5: Kofi Kingston

He has finally done the somewhat improbable. The individual in question has turned himself from an elderly Korean woman into WWE Superstar Kofi Kingston. At this point, you don't know whether to shake his hand or call him stupid. Either way, he's golden. If you were a police officer, you would send him to jail for stealing Kofi’s identity. Then again, perhaps the original Kofi Kingston is the impostor now.

- In a contest against his rival "The Viper" Randy "'Hot Viper' Roddy Viper" Orton "Viper," he ends up out of position for a punt to the head. Moments later, he is out of position for an RKO, urging Randy Orton to call him "stupid" many times over. In response, WWE tries to turn him into a RAW main eventer, only for the man to be out of position when the time comes.
- He coaxes the audience into joining him for a rousing set of thunder claps. On the surface, it appears as though he is getting the WWE Universe involved in the show. In actuality, he is using these thunder claps to summon Usher, Li'l Jon, and The East Side Boyz, otherwise known as the 4 Crunkers of the Apocalypse.
- Late for his cue, he sprints out to the ring, trying to save Roddy Piper from a Randy Orton punt. Not only is he late to save Piper, he is late to save humanity from the rise of the machines.
- He wants to know how many baby carrots will fit in his mouth. After borrowing your bowl of baby carrots, he empties the contents into his mouth. Surprisingly, he admits that didn't really want to find out how many baby carrots he could fit in his mouth. He was just hungry for carrots.
- Despite sound advice from popular Jamaican singers, he continues to be worried, thereby making him consistently unhappy.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Wrestling Serenades: The Undertaker and Björk

Björk treats the Deadman to a lively, Icelandic ditty.



Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid.


Chocolate is a symbol of love.

My Royalest of Rumbles

You are one of thirty. The rumble. The Swerved Royal Rumble. Thirty men. Thirty fellows. Thirty gentle guys, fighting for one chance, a single spot only once per calendar year. An express ticket to WrestleMania. WrestleMania for you and a guest. Thirty sweaty males. One ring, one rated-PG dream. One winner. You, or you, or you are... you are that one — the one. Triple H is the one. Who will be the other one to win The Swerved Royal Rumble? The Swerved Royal Rumble. Written several days ago and only available on the Internet.

At the very first rumble for The Swerved, Kofi Kingston won that express ticket. This victory motivated him to emanate from Ghana for some reason. This time, everyone has a shot and a chance to hail from West Africa. Anyone can take that ring, which people tell me is brass. While I only like to reach for gold or white gold rings, I'll let these 30 WWE Superstars fight for it instead. You never know who could come out on top. Perhaps it could be Kofi Kingston for the second time in two years. On the other hand, it could be nobody. How surprised would you be if nobody won? I would be double surprised.

As this young event becomes an annual tradition, expect bigger and better rumbles. Expect rumbles with 60, 90, and finally 180 men. Consider the possibility of double and triple eliminations. Think about a rumble in which the goal is to make the most best friends for life. No matter how bland and boring WWE's Royal Rumble may get, The Swerved will never let you down.

This year's rumble is brought to you by Orville Redenbacher's Gravity. Remember, gravity makes this rumble possible, but Orville Redenbacher makes it tasty.

The Swerved Royal Rumble Rules:
- A total of 30 participants will compete in this match: twelve RAW Superstars, twelve Smackdown Superstars, six ECW Superstars (because ECW doesn't really exist, like Carson Daly), and zero Impact Superstars.
- Taking into account the champions and challengers who will compete in singles matches at the actual Royal Rumble, I have whittled down the list of individuals available to compete in the match to the aforementioned number. The short list of participants have the following, rumble-friendly qualities: charisma, athleticism, stamina, the will to win, and the will to stand around, periodically punching and half-heartedly lifting whoever and whatever surrounds you.
- The entrance number for each rumble participant will be determined by a particular, state-of-the-art method that has never been used in professional wrestling. People from the future call this method the "Draw Names From A Hat While Wondering What Became of Your Life Method.” Obviously, I have perfected this method.
- All 30 names will be returned to the hat to begin the rumble. At that point, every time I draw a name from the hat, I shall contemplate living out my dream by finally enrolling in dance aerobics school. Simultaneously, the name of the wrestler that I draw from the hat shall be eliminated by a second drawn name. After the elimination, the second name drawn will return to the hat, eligible to compete with the remaining names.
- The last remaining name will be the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble in the year 2010.
- If I had to guess, The Swerved Royal Rumble will be superior to WWE's Royal Rumble because I will never charge you fifty bucks to see it. I will charge you forty-nine dollars, but you will get a free, birthday gift bag (even though it not your birthday or gift bag).

RAW Participants
Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, The Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Carlito, Santino Marella

Notable Inclusions
Evan Bourne
Since Evan Bourne's move to RAW, he has won many matches. When I talk about winning many matches, I mean winning about two matches against Jack Swagger. And when I mean winning about two matches against Jack Swagger, I mean losing almost every match against everyone. Despite his poor win-loss record, Evan Bourne deserves a spot in The Swerved Royal Rumble because he's a cheer-worthy underdog who is fun to watch. Also, he reminds me of a certain, nerdy kid in high school who played fantasy card games, ate SpaghettiOs out of a Thermos, and couldn't make eye contact with pretty girls. That kid... was you, wasn't it? I want to beat you up so bad right now. Meet me behind the Burger King after school so I can beat you up so bad.

He won the United States Championship on his first night with the company (against John Cena, no less). He is a multiple-time Intercontinental Champion. Most recently, he was a World Tag Team and Unified Tag Team Champion. With all those notches in his Caribbean belt, you would think that he would be an obvious choice for the rumble, but you wouldn't be right. In my opinion, Carlito's cheap, baggy pants have been weighing him down. Until he gets some gear that doesn't make noise when he walks in them, I am uncertain. On second thought, he has Sideshow Bob hair. Well, okay. He may enter.

Santino Marella
Santino's tremendous appearance in the 2009 Royal Rumble gives him a golden ticket to my royalest of rumbles. Once he wins it all, I fully expect each and every woman in the world to get in the kitchen and make him a celebratory pie. As he eats the pie, say something nice about his physical features; he would greatly appreciate it.

Notable Exclusions

Chris Masters
Ever since Chris Masters showed the world his dancing pectorals, the people were glued to their television sets, watching them bad boys bounce. Hypnotizing the WWE Universe with his man-boob dances, Masters has solidified his spot in the promotion for many years to come. Does his extraordinary talent guarantee him a spot in The Swerved Royal Rumble? Well, can he throw opponents over the top rope via pectoral dance? He can't? Then, no.

Because Triple H and Shawn Michaels are in the rumble, millions of little children would like to believe that D-X's adorable mascot would be in the match as well. To those hopeful, little children, I have some news for you: Hornswoggle is not in this rumble, nor will he ever be in this rumble. In a related story, you are adopted. End of news. Nevertheless, it's funny that Hornswoggle is friggin’ small, right? He's smaller than men and women of average height. Hilarious.

From the looks of it, Primo Colon is hesitant to shave his high school moustache due to its power to attract girls of a teen age. The young ladies of San Juan Secondary School dig Primo's ability to grow facial hair. If he has that much facial hair, he must drive a cool car, or know someone who knows someone who met Jennifer Lopez. For your information, I am not a teenage girl. Therefore, I am not impressed.

Smackdown Participants
Batista, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Kane, John Morrison, The Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler, Finlay, Matt Hardy, R-Truth, David Hart Smith

Notable Inclusions

Dolph Ziggler
Last year, Ziggler did not participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble, but times have changed. Back then, it was 2009. One year later, it's not 2009. I, for one, feel sorry for Ziggler. He had it tough for a while. He didn't get the Intercontinental Championship, then didn't get the Intercontinental Championship before not getting the Intercontinental Championship again. Somewhere in there, he kind of dated and broke up with Maria. The last thing he needs is to be by himself, which is why I've decided to place him in the company of 29 other dudes. Support him, guys. He is perfection.

Luke Gallows
The instant that Luke Gallows was washed of his sins by a magical hobo, I struggled to find a way to show my appreciation. If you ask me, living a straight-edge lifestyle is rather difficult. Lately, I've been trying and failing to be straight-edge. Just when I think I can get through the day without doing drugs, I suddenly trip and fall into a heap of them. Half of the time, I don't even know what drugs I'm ingesting. I just end up putting my face in a bag of drugs, awaiting the result. Although I try to live a good life, I'm not Luke Gallows. If he's better than me — and few men are — he deserves to be in my rumble.

According to R, he knows how to move thangs, which makes him the only WWE Superstar to have thang-moving skills. Someone who knows a thing or two concerning the movement of thangs has an big advantage in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Even though his thang-moving skills haven't been tested yet, I believe him. If he wasn't telling the truth, wouldn't his name be R-Lie?

Notable Exclusions

Kung Fu Naki
I have been informed that Kung Fu Naki has previous engagements in Nagasaki. In his place, the second most ethnic wrestler on the Smackdown roster shall serve as his substitute. In other words, win it for Kung Fu Naki, Finlay. He's counting on you.

Cryme Tyme
I refuse to give two valuable spots to Shad Gaspard and JTG for one minor reason: they don't deserve to have them. At no point in their professional wrestling careers have they shown me the character, integrity, and respect required to gain entrance into The Swerved Royal Rumble. In addition, I bet they have something better to do, such as perpetuate the negative stereotype that urban youth hate participating in multiple-man, gimmick matches.

Eric Escobar
Eric Escobar did not enjoy seeing Vickie Guerrero in her négligée. Edge did not enjoy the sight either, but you don't see him bragging about it. Go away, sir.

ECW Participants
William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, Shelton Benjamin, Zack Ryder, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust

Notable Inclusions

Yoshi Tatsu
Given that Evan Bourne is no longer part of ECW, Yoshi Tatsu has become the new Evan Bourne. Actually, Yoshi Tatsu and Evan Bourne share numerous similarities. For one, Yoshi has the quickness and agility of one Evan Bourne. Furthermore, Mr. Tatsu has the fans behind him during the good and the bad. Most of all, Yoshi Tatsu, like Evan Bourne, is Japanese. Due to ECW's thin roster, Yoshi is a no-doubter. This statement means that there is no doubt that Yoshi Tatsu should participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble. This statement does not mean that Yoshi Tatsu is a four-piece rock band from Orange County, California, led by Gwen Stefani.

Zack Ryder
As I write and you read, Jersey Shore has become a cultural phenomenon. Across America, responsible teens and their infant children want to be as cool as those Italian individuals from New Jersey. As WWE entertains and we pretend to be entertained, Zack Ryder has made himself an ECW star. Ryder's mere association with the Jersey kind is proof enough that he belongs in my rumble. You know what they say: if you can't beat them, put them in your hypothetical version of the Royal Rumble.

Vladimir Kozlov
They said he couldn't do it. They said he couldn't be somebody special. They said Vladimir Kozlov could not wrestle, but guess what, They? Vladimir Kozlov got it done, and is currently doing what you said he couldn't do. Honestly, why should I listen to They if They isn't going to give Kozlov a chance? The Swerved Royal Rumble is Kozlov's match to win, no matter what They says. I feel like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side at the moment. Soon enough, Kozlov will be drafted by the Baltimore Ravens.

Notable Exclusions

Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft
When there's something strange in the neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Not Trent Barreta, nor Caylen Croft. I ain't afraid of no Trent Barreta, nor no Caylen Croft because they're not in my rumble. In their young WWE careers, Barreta and Croft have accomplished a lot. For example, they showed up on the SyFy Channel, which is ten title wins in itself. Besides, they will get every opportunity to be in future rumbles. In fact, I will put them in next year's rumble, but they must bring Curt Hawkins with them. I just like his company. He's a good listener.

The Hurricane
At one time, I loved The Hurricane. Today, I don't love The Hurricane. Like The Rock, I was under the impression that The Hurricane was actually The Hamburglar. I was ready, willing, and able to give The Hurricane a spot in this rumble, but he let me down. He doesn't steal hamburgers. The Hurricane is simply the personification of a natural, violent, and tropical wind. No dice/hamburgers.

Vance Archer
He has a lower back tattoo.

Entrance Order:
1) Shelton "He's Going To WrestleMania To Face Triple H Somehow" Benjamin
2) Goldust
3) Shawn Michaels
4) Santino Marella
5) Jack Swagger
6) Yoshi Tatsu
7) Luke Gallows
8) Triple H
9) Carlito
10) Dolph Ziggler
11) Vladimir Kozlov
12) CM "Body Hair Only" Punk
13) Zack Ryder
14) William Regal
15) Batista
16) (Fit) "Do It For Your Fellow Countrymen" Finlay
17) Mark Henry
18) The Great Khali
19) Cody Rhodes
20) John Morrison
21) Kofi Kingston
22) R-Truth
23) The Big "Well It's Big, Big, Big, Big" Show
24) Chris "See You On RAW" Jericho
25) David Hart Smith
26) Kane
27) John Cena
28) Matt "Get Your Popcorn Ready, Obese Teenage Girls" Hardy
29) Evan Bourne
30) Ted "Joe Linwood" DiBiase

Order of Elimination

Elimination 1: Carlito
Triple H eliminates Carlito by throwing his baggy pants up and over the top rope. Clearly, this is a message from WWE to Carlito. They want him to get new pants.

Elimination 2: Shawn Michaels
In a shocking turn of events, Zack Ryder eliminates Shawn Michaels by putting a lot of gel in HBK's hair. The Bible does not look down on speciality hair products, but it doesn't look up to them either.

Elimination 3: Triple H
The other half of D-Generation X is eliminated when Dolph Ziggler played The Game and won The Game. This successful playing of The Game has earned Dolph Ziggler a coveted spot in the WrestleMania pre-show battle royal. Meanwhile, Hunter will be competing in a special main event, otherwise known as the final championship match at WrestleMania XXVI.

Elimination 4: Batista
The Big Show is really happy for Batista and is gonna let him finish going over the top rope, but outdated Kanye West joke poorly done on Monday Night RAW.

Elimination 5: David Hart Smith
Chris Jericho eliminates David Hart Smith because Smith's uncle talked to that random guy on RAW before he talked to Jericho. Who was that dude anyway?

Elimination 6: Shelton Benjamin
Yoshi Tatsu eliminates Shelton Benjamin, proving that there is, in fact, stoppin' him. Yeah.

Elimination 7: John Morrison
The Great Khali eliminates John Morrison in slow motion, which is Khali's regular speed of movement.

Elimination 8: William Regal
The Great Khali follows Morrison's elimination by throwing Regal out of the ring. Khali is on a roll, except that he does not have the co-ordination required to balance himself on a round piece of bread.

Elimination 9: The Great Khali
Vladimir Kozlov eliminates The Punjabi Playboy by spreading butter on Khali's roll. This move proves to be delicious and beneficial for him.

Elimination 10: R-Truth
Matt Hardy eliminates R-Truth because he could move some thangs better than him. Also, he slapped him in the face with an actual tornado. That's not nice, Matthew. Now apologize. Or, is it too late to?

Elimination 11: Goldust
Finlay eliminates Goldust in honour of Kung Fu Naki. Kung Fu Forever.

Elimination 12: CM Punk
Mark Henry eliminates CM Punk by throwing him over the top rope like a hairy bag of garbage. You know the kind. I don't have to explain it.

Elimination 13: Kofi Kingston
Dolph Ziggler eliminates Kofi Kingston, taking his prestigious spot in the company. Every Monday, Randy Orton shall verbally chastise Ziggler in front of millions of people.

Elimination 14: Vladimir Kozlov
Zack Ryder eliminates Vladimir Kozlov by hitting him with a loaded, pantless leg. I like to call that weapon a leg.

Elimination 15: Ted DiBiase
The Second Marine is no more when Luke Gallows eliminates Ted DiBiase by creating an explosion in the middle of the ring.

Elimination 16: The Big Show
Well, it's not The Big Show because Matt Hardy just eliminated him. Anytime Matt Hardy succeeds, his hairline recedes. Therefore, WWE can't let Matt succeed too much.

Elimination 17: Yoshi Tatsu
Evan Bourne eliminates his doppelganger Yoshi Tatsu by selecting attack, choosing the lightning spell, and pressing B. He celebrates Tatsu's elimination by watching a Dragon Ball Z marathon.

Elimination 18: Kane
Finlay eliminates Kane by befriending him, starting up a jazz fusion band called "Fire & Brimstone," and quickly breaking up the band in order to begin his solo career.

Elimination 19: John Cena
Finlay eliminates John Cena with hustle, loyalty, and disrespect.

Elimination 20: Evan Bourne
Santino Marella eliminates Evan Bourne by showing him a diagram of a woman's anatomy. Bourne thought it was a typographical map of Madagascar.

Elimination 21: Santino Marella
Mark Henry eliminates Santino Marella by showing him a diagram of his own anatomy. Marella thought it was a typographical map of Big Daddy V.

Elimination 22: Cody Rhodes
Zack Ryder eliminates Cody Rhodes by putting kneepads on him, which hampered Cody’s mobility in the ring. Those knees gotta be free.

Elimination 23: Luke Gallows
Jack Swagger hands Luke Gallows a Flintstones Chewable tablet. Does that count as a drug, or what? Gallows is confused all the way out of the ring.

Elimination 24: Finlay
Zack Ryder eliminates Finlay, bringing great shame to Kung Fu Naki. Finlay is never going to get that dowry.

Elimination 25: Dolph Ziggler
Mark Henry eliminates Dolph Ziggler. I thought Dolph ziggled professionally. I guess he’s nothing more than an amateur.

Elimination 26: Matt Hardy
Zack Ryder eliminates Matt to save Hardy’s hairline. You, you, you. You're welcome, Matt.

Elimination 27: Chris Jericho
"The All-American American" eliminates "The Some-American Canadian" by discarding Jericho's thesaurus.

Elimination 28: Mark Henry
Jack Swagger eliminates Mark Henry because of the fat.

Elimination 29: Zack Ryder
Jack Swagger eliminates Zack Ryder by doing a push up.

Winner: Jack Swagger
Jack Swagger receives a World Championship shot at WrestleMania XXVI. Eventually, his championship match will turn into a three-way. A week or two before WrestleMania XXVI, Jack Swagger will be removed from the match. Congratulations, Jack.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 82nd

John Cena vs. "Vampire Assistant" Cody Devereaux

I'm gonna beat you forever
And never stop until your dead
Then when I get paid for my great performance
I'm gonna purchase a tanning bed

I'm gonna beat you forever
Until I go up in flames
When I'm with you I want to get your coffee
Even though you don't know me by name

The Question:
Who wins and how?



The winner of a rumble that is of royal-distinction shall be crowned.


I'm in a relationship now. I don't have to buy my own domestic goods. Pick me up one of those bottles that we put sticks in and make the room smell like vanilla bean.

Cinematic: Part 2

Have any of you seen a motion picture in your lifetime? For those of you who think you have, you are in the wrong. Of course, you may have went to a theatre, or watched a movie at home, but have any of you actually seen a movie? I didn't think so. In my humblest of opinions, you will never bear witness to the golden art of film until you feast your eyes on a WWE Studios production. Fortunately, The Swerved has joined up with WWE Studios to bring you quality cinema. While this relationship is strictly business, it could be the start of something more. Who knows? One day, The Swerved could marry WWE Studios and become your new stepfather. If that happens, surely The Swerved will never replace your actual father. We're only hoping to be someone you can love as a father.

The fact of the fact-related matter is this: If World Wrestling Entertainment produces great, televised wrestling shows, they can produce equally great motion pictures as well. With the help of my crack team of fact-checkers, I see no errors in that claim. If anything, I see dollar signs up, around, and in the general vicinity of that claim. Why? Well, every single WWE Studios production has been a success. The Marine shattered box office records so bad that a new box office had to be constructed out of cardboard boxes. Overseas, See No Evil grossed ten billion dollars American, ten billion of which was donated back to wrestling fans for being nice. As for The Condemned, let's just say that Stone Cold Steve Austin made a bundle. That aforementioned bundle could consist of anything really, but what I'm insinuating is that it consists of monetary materials. Yes.

The Xtreme Football League was a disappointment. Vince McMahon's version of World Championship Wrestling failed. Even his incarnation of Extreme Championship Wrestling was mediocre. On the other hand, WWE Studios will never fail with The Swerved by its side. In addition to the upcoming films that I will preview in this piece, look out for future projects involving the likes of Tony Atlas, Tiffany, and Mike Knox's Beard. I am currently in the process of writing a twelve-part series starring Mike Knox's Beard entitled Mike Knox's Beard and the Curse of Mike Knox. The fight against the curse will not start until the tenth film.

Until those projects begin production, I am ready and willing to give you another entertaining taste at the next best films of 2010. Before we do so, I urge parents to shield their young children from previewing certain films in this article. One of these films contain graphic scenes of intimacy. Another one of these films contain explicit and adult situations involving consenting parties. Finally, one of these films contain a Marine. I'm not telling you which one has a Marine, but don't say I didn't warn you. Raise your own kids, lady. These films aren't your children's role models.

The Marine 3: Submarine

Starring: Vickie Guerrero, Ted DiBiase, Kelly Kelly, water
Genre: Underwater Action/Underwater Adventure
Rated: R for aquatic violence
Synopsis: While on vacation in the lost city of Atlantis, a proud Marine named Vivian Americo (Vickie Guerrero) celebrates her honeymoon with her bland husband (Ted DiBiase). When a terrorist group of mermaids and mermen (led by Kelly Kelly) invade Atlantis and take her husband hostage, Vivian must use the skills she learned on land and at sea in the sea that was once on land (water). Under the sea, no one can hear you scream, but anything can blow up real good down there.
Buzz: Out of all three movies, the third in the series is arguably the best one for it has the most explosions. Look for a quick cameo from John Cena, who plays a Marine disguised as a talking seahorse named Gibraltar. The dialogue between Vickie and Cena is often times anti-Atlantican, but always pro-American.

Hitman Hart: Having Makeup Sex With Shadows

Starring: Bret Hart, Vince McMahon, Shadows
Genre: Man-on-Shadow Action/Documentary
Rated: Adults Only for explicit, sexual subject matter involving darkness
Synopsis: The last year of Bret Hart's illustrious career in the World Wrestling Federation is skimmed over for it was previously documented in the first film. In the sequel, Hart's role as the victim in the 1997 Montreal Screwjob is briefly recounted before shifting focus on the Hitman's hot and heavy reunion with the shadows that once plagued him and his family. Along with gratuitous depictions of Hart and his shadows engaging in the sexual art of forgiveness, Bret discusses the advantages and disadvantages of having relations with those shadows. Best of all, he reveals the real reason behind his involvement in professional wrestling: to do shadows in the top and bottom positions.
Buzz: Now that we are older, we are wiser. With that said, we can safely say that Bret Hart lied when he suggested that he was only "wrestling" with shadows. Truly, he was straight up making shadow babies with them. It's no wonder why Vince McMahon continues to watch Bret in the background of these posters. Like myself, he wants to know the ins and outs of the process. You should be curious, too.

Chris Jericho Hair

Starring: Chris Jericho, Chris Jericho Hair, The Big Show
Genre: Horror/Suspense
Rated: R for extreme gore, violence, nudity of the hair, and pretentious language
Synopsis: Christopher Jericho (Chris Jericho) had a great life, being the best at whatever he does in the place with the things and the people, including that guy over there. During one average day, his life is turned upside down after a mad scientist (The Big Show) hits him with his mad scientist car. Taking the unconscious Christopher back to his lab, the scientist tries to revive him with experimental surgery. After implanting a serial killer's head of hair (Chris Jericho Hair) onto Christopher's scalp, a monster is born. Who is the real killer? Is it man, or is it hair? Think twice and you shall die twice.
Buzz: In its young and promising career, Chris Jericho Hair has been lauded as the Meryl Streep of its generation. Since Meryl Streep is still acting in this generation, other critics have named Chris Jericho Hair as the second best actor of this generation. From this point onward, Chris Jericho Hair could very well be the Ja Rule of this generation.

Kofi & Cream

Starring: Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton
Genre: Action/Drama
Rated: R for violence, course language, and robust beverages
Synopsis: Randall Creamer (Randy Orton) is a loyal family man and respected veteran busker at Coffeetown, looking forward to his upcoming retirement. Kofi John Kingston (Kofi Kingston) is a dangerous loose cannon who doesn't care if people get the specific kind of coffee they order. As a mysterious murderer starts killing Coffeetown executives and employees one by one, Kofi and Creamer must team up to find the man, woman, child, or animal behind these bloody murders. As their personalities clash, so do their coffee cups as they struggle to gain trust, friendship, justice, and sugar on this deadly, yet earthy mission.
Buzz: Children below eighteen say, "I'm too young for this breathtaking action film." In response, children above eighteen say, "How can we be above eighteen? Doesn't that make us adults?" In turn, the children below eighteen say nothing because they don't know what's it like to be a child over eighteen years of age. Therefore, they cannot answer in an efficient and informative manner.

500 Mondays of The Miz

Starring: Maryse, The Miz
Genre: Romance/Comedy/Drama
Rated: PG for some sexual content, coarse language, and The Miz
Synopsis: This is a story of girl meets The Miz. The girl — Maryse Ouellet (Maryse) of Montreal, Quebec — grew up believing that she'd never truly be happy until she met The Miz. This belief stemmed from early exposure to upbeat, French pop music and a total misreading of the show The Real World. The Miz — Mike Mizanin of Cleveland, Ohio — did not share this belief because he had already met himself several years ago. Since the disintegration of his award-winning tag team, he only loved two things: the first was his many layers of clothing; the second was how easily he could be awesome in them — and feel awesome in them. Maryse meets The Miz on June 8th. She knows, almost immediately, he's who she has been searching for. This is a story of girl meets The Miz, but you should know up front that this is not a love story.
Buzz: For the entire running time of the film, Maryse rapes The Miz with her eyes. Well, the way that The Miz was dressed in 500 Mondays of The Miz, he probably deserved it. Dear mothers; do not raise your sons to show too much sleeve.

Monday, January 04, 2010

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 81st

John Morrison vs. The Brian Kendrick on Stilts

Now listen
Where did you get them stilts?
Wait, don't tell me
Don't tell me until you get up on those stilts
And I will listen intently to your stilt purchase story

Too much height you've got
You're like a handicapped giant running the 100-metre dash
Now show me
Now walk around
Hey, did your get your job back because you have stilts, or what?
I wanna ride those stilts
Get off
Yeah, that's right
Watch me as I walk around on your store-bought stilts
'Cause you know how I like to roam
Hey, you should let me run on these things
'Cause I'm double-peg-legging this mother

The Question:
Who wins and how?



Professional wrestling-related cinema has never been this refined.


I'm gonna eat your babies, bitch.

Cinematic: Part 1

Once in a while, a movie comes along that changes the way you think about life and living. Sometimes, that movie is a drama, dealing with heavy topics such as death and loss. Other times, that movie is a comedy, splitting your sides until those sides cannot be split anymore. For me, every motion picture that has altered my view of human existence has come from the fine establishment that is WWE Studios. Whenever I see the WWE Studios logo flash across the screen, my dying soul is reborn.

This year, forget about your iron men, your Persian princes, and your karate children because I'm about to drop some filmic goodness on your face. Since WWE threw its hat into the motion picture ring, we have been blessed with cinematic masterpiece after cinematic masterpiece. We saw no evil. Somebody condemned somebody. Against our better judgment, we lasted to the 12th round. We were marined, which brought about the uprising of the fish people. And finally, we were that movie starring Triple H that was never released, nor produced.

In hopes of continuing the trend of amazing WWE releases, I have used my juicy creative juices to think up the next batch of films. Although these movies may never win Academy Awards, I am not in the movie-making business to win awards. Like Vince McMahon and WWE, I only want to make the public happy. I don't want your money, which is why you'll be seeing some super kind of fantastic right here.

Now that I think about it, WWE Studios make art, not film. The stars themselves are painters, sculptors, and poets who let their words and actions create a beautiful picture, a mirror that is shone back on us. In my opinion, those are the good kind of mirrors. I hate those non-reflective ones.

Tommy Dreamer is Fat

Starring: Tommy Dreamer, Mickie James, Michelle McCool, Layla, fat
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Rated: PG for portly language, rotund violence, and husky content
Synopsis: After leaving his shirt in the middle of the ring, an extreme professional wrestler (Dreamer) in the twilight of his career embarks on a journey to retrieve the only shirt that has ever fit him. With the help of his enchanted pig (James), they must travel around the world to find the shirt before their skinny nemeses (McCool, Layla) use it to suffocate Earth in darkness.
Buzz: Tommy Dreamer is Fat is so fat that when it arrives in theatres, it arrives in theatres. At first, you might think that one viewing would be enough, but you'll go for seconds. Then again, don't you think you've had a little much? Are you sure you're not full? Are you positive? I bet you can't hear me because you're chewing so loud.

The Services: Live Good. Sell Good.

Starring: Jeremy Piven, Ken Jeong, Summerslam
Genre: Attempted comedy
Rated: R for sexual content, coarse language, and appearances by Ken Jeong
Synopsis: Semi-famous actor Jeremiah Pivenski (Piven) is hired by a struggling wrestling promotion to liven up its Monday nights. Out of ideas, Pivenski hooks the promotion up with a virile Asian man (Jeong). With The Summerfest (Summerslam in its acting debut) fast approaching, will the sexual services made possible by Pivenski be enough to turn the promotion around?
Buzz: Jeremy Piven is known to do a lot of douchey things while wearing douchey attire. In this film, he'll be wearing a douchey pageboy hat, a matching vest, and an ascot. Industry analysts call this combination "The Tri-Douche." Expect big things. Big, douchey things.

Their Little Hands: The Shawn Michaels Story (A Lifetime Original Movie)

Starring: Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Hornswoggle, Della Reese
Genre: Drama
Rated: R for melodramatic language, melodramatic violence, melodramatic situations, and coarse nudity
Synopsis: In this harrowing tale of struggle and survival, a heartbreak adult (Michaels) and his best friend (H) become trapped in a horrific underground world — a world in which people are smaller in stature than usual. Held against his will by an abusive gatekeeper (Hornswoggle), Michaels calls upon his guardian angel Morgana Freeman (Reese) to get the guidance he needs to escape from the clutches of their little hands.
Buzz: Shawn Michaels' performance has been compared to his busted eye's performance in his 2008 angle with Chris Jericho. To this day, that busted eye continues to move inward, proving that Method acting never takes a holiday. Furthermore, Hornswoggle is not tall.

Miller Time

Starring: Dennis Miller, Vince McMahon
Genre: Comedy
Rated: G for Gilarious
Synopsis: A political comedian (Miller) and an eccentric billionaire who is always a laugh and a half (McMahon) witness two murders occurring at the same time. Entering the witness protection program, they are relocated to small town New York City and must co-exist in this crazy, blue collar environment. From hunting for deer in the streets of Times Square to changing their own underwear, this unlikely duo are in for some gilarious and heart-warming times.
Buzz: Suck it, Al Sharpton, who invented global warming. This film is an aerosol spray can of funny, says some guy you never heard of from the Narnia Times.

Daaah: The Motion Picture

Starring: Sheamus, John Cena
Genre: Action/Thriller/Educational
Rated: PG for scenes of violence, suggestive insults, foreigners, whiteness, and smirking
Synopsis: A loyal, hustling, respectful gentleman named Felix Merchandise (Cena) has his life turned upside down when a magical Celtic warrior from the future (Sheamus) arrives in the present and says, "Daaah." Cursed by these magic words, Merchandise's nice things are slowly taken away from him. Needing his nice things back, Merchandise embarks on a quest to acquire the one dictionary in the entire universe that defines the word "daaah." Join Felix on this interactive journey against his greatest foe of all: daaah.
Buzz: It's about time they made this motion picture. I know fans around the globe have been waiting for decades for the release of this adaptation. While many aspects of the film will deviate from Daaah: The Novel (Sheamus’ hair will be feathered, not spiked), the main storyline will remain intact. In order to get the movie-going public excited for the film, its release will coincide with Daaah: The Video Game and Daaahkaroos — a special edition Dunkaroos snack that will be available in grocery stores for a limited time.