Monday, January 11, 2010

Cinematic: Part 2


Have any of you seen a motion picture in your lifetime? For those of you who think you have, you are in the wrong. Of course, you may have went to a theatre, or watched a movie at home, but have any of you actually seen a movie? I didn't think so. In my humblest of opinions, you will never bear witness to the golden art of film until you feast your eyes on a WWE Studios production. Fortunately, The Swerved has joined up with WWE Studios to bring you quality cinema. While this relationship is strictly business, it could be the start of something more. Who knows? One day, The Swerved could marry WWE Studios and become your new stepfather. If that happens, surely The Swerved will never replace your actual father. We're only hoping to be someone you can love as a father.

The fact of the fact-related matter is this: If World Wrestling Entertainment produces great, televised wrestling shows, they can produce equally great motion pictures as well. With the help of my crack team of fact-checkers, I see no errors in that claim. If anything, I see dollar signs up, around, and in the general vicinity of that claim. Why? Well, every single WWE Studios production has been a success. The Marine shattered box office records so bad that a new box office had to be constructed out of cardboard boxes. Overseas, See No Evil grossed ten billion dollars American, ten billion of which was donated back to wrestling fans for being nice. As for The Condemned, let's just say that Stone Cold Steve Austin made a bundle. That aforementioned bundle could consist of anything really, but what I'm insinuating is that it consists of monetary materials. Yes.

The Xtreme Football League was a disappointment. Vince McMahon's version of World Championship Wrestling failed. Even his incarnation of Extreme Championship Wrestling was mediocre. On the other hand, WWE Studios will never fail with The Swerved by its side. In addition to the upcoming films that I will preview in this piece, look out for future projects involving the likes of Tony Atlas, Tiffany, and Mike Knox's Beard. I am currently in the process of writing a twelve-part series starring Mike Knox's Beard entitled Mike Knox's Beard and the Curse of Mike Knox. The fight against the curse will not start until the tenth film.

Until those projects begin production, I am ready and willing to give you another entertaining taste at the next best films of 2010. Before we do so, I urge parents to shield their young children from previewing certain films in this article. One of these films contain graphic scenes of intimacy. Another one of these films contain explicit and adult situations involving consenting parties. Finally, one of these films contain a Marine. I'm not telling you which one has a Marine, but don't say I didn't warn you. Raise your own kids, lady. These films aren't your children's role models.



The Marine 3: Submarine

Starring: Vickie Guerrero, Ted DiBiase, Kelly Kelly, water
Genre: Underwater Action/Underwater Adventure
Rated: R for aquatic violence
Synopsis: While on vacation in the lost city of Atlantis, a proud Marine named Vivian Americo (Vickie Guerrero) celebrates her honeymoon with her bland husband (Ted DiBiase). When a terrorist group of mermaids and mermen (led by Kelly Kelly) invade Atlantis and take her husband hostage, Vivian must use the skills she learned on land and at sea in the sea that was once on land (water). Under the sea, no one can hear you scream, but anything can blow up real good down there.
Buzz: Out of all three movies, the third in the series is arguably the best one for it has the most explosions. Look for a quick cameo from John Cena, who plays a Marine disguised as a talking seahorse named Gibraltar. The dialogue between Vickie and Cena is often times anti-Atlantican, but always pro-American.



Hitman Hart: Having Makeup Sex With Shadows

Starring: Bret Hart, Vince McMahon, Shadows
Genre: Man-on-Shadow Action/Documentary
Rated: Adults Only for explicit, sexual subject matter involving darkness
Synopsis: The last year of Bret Hart's illustrious career in the World Wrestling Federation is skimmed over for it was previously documented in the first film. In the sequel, Hart's role as the victim in the 1997 Montreal Screwjob is briefly recounted before shifting focus on the Hitman's hot and heavy reunion with the shadows that once plagued him and his family. Along with gratuitous depictions of Hart and his shadows engaging in the sexual art of forgiveness, Bret discusses the advantages and disadvantages of having relations with those shadows. Best of all, he reveals the real reason behind his involvement in professional wrestling: to do shadows in the top and bottom positions.
Buzz: Now that we are older, we are wiser. With that said, we can safely say that Bret Hart lied when he suggested that he was only "wrestling" with shadows. Truly, he was straight up making shadow babies with them. It's no wonder why Vince McMahon continues to watch Bret in the background of these posters. Like myself, he wants to know the ins and outs of the process. You should be curious, too.




Chris Jericho Hair

Starring: Chris Jericho, Chris Jericho Hair, The Big Show
Genre: Horror/Suspense
Rated: R for extreme gore, violence, nudity of the hair, and pretentious language
Synopsis: Christopher Jericho (Chris Jericho) had a great life, being the best at whatever he does in the place with the things and the people, including that guy over there. During one average day, his life is turned upside down after a mad scientist (The Big Show) hits him with his mad scientist car. Taking the unconscious Christopher back to his lab, the scientist tries to revive him with experimental surgery. After implanting a serial killer's head of hair (Chris Jericho Hair) onto Christopher's scalp, a monster is born. Who is the real killer? Is it man, or is it hair? Think twice and you shall die twice.
Buzz: In its young and promising career, Chris Jericho Hair has been lauded as the Meryl Streep of its generation. Since Meryl Streep is still acting in this generation, other critics have named Chris Jericho Hair as the second best actor of this generation. From this point onward, Chris Jericho Hair could very well be the Ja Rule of this generation.




Kofi & Cream

Starring: Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton
Genre: Action/Drama
Rated: R for violence, course language, and robust beverages
Synopsis: Randall Creamer (Randy Orton) is a loyal family man and respected veteran busker at Coffeetown, looking forward to his upcoming retirement. Kofi John Kingston (Kofi Kingston) is a dangerous loose cannon who doesn't care if people get the specific kind of coffee they order. As a mysterious murderer starts killing Coffeetown executives and employees one by one, Kofi and Creamer must team up to find the man, woman, child, or animal behind these bloody murders. As their personalities clash, so do their coffee cups as they struggle to gain trust, friendship, justice, and sugar on this deadly, yet earthy mission.
Buzz: Children below eighteen say, "I'm too young for this breathtaking action film." In response, children above eighteen say, "How can we be above eighteen? Doesn't that make us adults?" In turn, the children below eighteen say nothing because they don't know what's it like to be a child over eighteen years of age. Therefore, they cannot answer in an efficient and informative manner.




500 Mondays of The Miz

Starring: Maryse, The Miz
Genre: Romance/Comedy/Drama
Rated: PG for some sexual content, coarse language, and The Miz
Synopsis: This is a story of girl meets The Miz. The girl — Maryse Ouellet (Maryse) of Montreal, Quebec — grew up believing that she'd never truly be happy until she met The Miz. This belief stemmed from early exposure to upbeat, French pop music and a total misreading of the show The Real World. The Miz — Mike Mizanin of Cleveland, Ohio — did not share this belief because he had already met himself several years ago. Since the disintegration of his award-winning tag team, he only loved two things: the first was his many layers of clothing; the second was how easily he could be awesome in them — and feel awesome in them. Maryse meets The Miz on June 8th. She knows, almost immediately, he's who she has been searching for. This is a story of girl meets The Miz, but you should know up front that this is not a love story.
Buzz: For the entire running time of the film, Maryse rapes The Miz with her eyes. Well, the way that The Miz was dressed in 500 Mondays of The Miz, he probably deserved it. Dear mothers; do not raise your sons to show too much sleeve.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

omg funny!!