Once in a while, a movie comes along that changes the way you think about life and living. Sometimes, that movie is a drama, dealing with heavy topics such as death and loss. Other times, that movie is a comedy, splitting your sides until those sides cannot be split anymore. For me, every motion picture that has altered my view of human existence has come from the fine establishment that is WWE Studios. Whenever I see the WWE Studios logo flash across the screen, my dying soul is reborn.
This year, forget about your iron men, your Persian princes, and your karate children because I'm about to drop some filmic goodness on your face. Since WWE threw its hat into the motion picture ring, we have been blessed with cinematic masterpiece after cinematic masterpiece. We saw no evil. Somebody condemned somebody. Against our better judgment, we lasted to the 12th round. We were marined, which brought about the uprising of the fish people. And finally, we were that movie starring Triple H that was never released, nor produced.
In hopes of continuing the trend of amazing WWE releases, I have used my juicy creative juices to think up the next batch of films. Although these movies may never win Academy Awards, I am not in the movie-making business to win awards. Like Vince McMahon and WWE, I only want to make the public happy. I don't want your money, which is why you'll be seeing some super kind of fantastic right here.
Now that I think about it, WWE Studios make art, not film. The stars themselves are painters, sculptors, and poets who let their words and actions create a beautiful picture, a mirror that is shone back on us. In my opinion, those are the good kind of mirrors. I hate those non-reflective ones.
Starring: Tommy Dreamer, Mickie James, Michelle McCool, Layla, fat
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Rated: PG for portly language, rotund violence, and husky content
Synopsis: After leaving his shirt in the middle of the ring, an extreme professional wrestler (Dreamer) in the twilight of his career embarks on a journey to retrieve the only shirt that has ever fit him. With the help of his enchanted pig (James), they must travel around the world to find the shirt before their skinny nemeses (McCool, Layla) use it to suffocate Earth in darkness.
Buzz: Tommy Dreamer is Fat is so fat that when it arrives in theatres, it arrives in theatres. At first, you might think that one viewing would be enough, but you'll go for seconds. Then again, don't you think you've had a little much? Are you sure you're not full? Are you positive? I bet you can't hear me because you're chewing so loud.
Starring: Jeremy Piven, Ken Jeong, Summerslam
Genre: Attempted comedy
Rated: R for sexual content, coarse language, and appearances by Ken Jeong
Synopsis: Semi-famous actor Jeremiah Pivenski (Piven) is hired by a struggling wrestling promotion to liven up its Monday nights. Out of ideas, Pivenski hooks the promotion up with a virile Asian man (Jeong). With The Summerfest (Summerslam in its acting debut) fast approaching, will the sexual services made possible by Pivenski be enough to turn the promotion around?
Buzz: Jeremy Piven is known to do a lot of douchey things while wearing douchey attire. In this film, he'll be wearing a douchey pageboy hat, a matching vest, and an ascot. Industry analysts call this combination "The Tri-Douche." Expect big things. Big, douchey things.
Starring: Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Hornswoggle, Della Reese
Genre: Drama
Rated: R for melodramatic language, melodramatic violence, melodramatic situations, and coarse nudity
Synopsis: In this harrowing tale of struggle and survival, a heartbreak adult (Michaels) and his best friend (H) become trapped in a horrific underground world — a world in which people are smaller in stature than usual. Held against his will by an abusive gatekeeper (Hornswoggle), Michaels calls upon his guardian angel Morgana Freeman (Reese) to get the guidance he needs to escape from the clutches of their little hands.
Buzz: Shawn Michaels' performance has been compared to his busted eye's performance in his 2008 angle with Chris Jericho. To this day, that busted eye continues to move inward, proving that Method acting never takes a holiday. Furthermore, Hornswoggle is not tall.
Starring: Dennis Miller, Vince McMahon
Genre: Comedy
Rated: G for Gilarious
Synopsis: A political comedian (Miller) and an eccentric billionaire who is always a laugh and a half (McMahon) witness two murders occurring at the same time. Entering the witness protection program, they are relocated to small town New York City and must co-exist in this crazy, blue collar environment. From hunting for deer in the streets of Times Square to changing their own underwear, this unlikely duo are in for some gilarious and heart-warming times.
Buzz: Suck it, Al Sharpton, who invented global warming. This film is an aerosol spray can of funny, says some guy you never heard of from the Narnia Times.
Starring: Sheamus, John Cena
Genre: Action/Thriller/Educational
Rated: PG for scenes of violence, suggestive insults, foreigners, whiteness, and smirking
Synopsis: A loyal, hustling, respectful gentleman named Felix Merchandise (Cena) has his life turned upside down when a magical Celtic warrior from the future (Sheamus) arrives in the present and says, "Daaah." Cursed by these magic words, Merchandise's nice things are slowly taken away from him. Needing his nice things back, Merchandise embarks on a quest to acquire the one dictionary in the entire universe that defines the word "daaah." Join Felix on this interactive journey against his greatest foe of all: daaah.
Buzz: It's about time they made this motion picture. I know fans around the globe have been waiting for decades for the release of this adaptation. While many aspects of the film will deviate from Daaah: The Novel (Sheamus’ hair will be feathered, not spiked), the main storyline will remain intact. In order to get the movie-going public excited for the film, its release will coincide with Daaah: The Video Game and Daaahkaroos — a special edition Dunkaroos snack that will be available in grocery stores for a limited time.
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