*****
NEXT WEEK
Like any RAW main event, life is a handicap match.
AND
I have no comment on the matter.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Requests of Anger: Pit of Nutrition
*****
NEXT WEEK
Like any RAW main event, life is a handicap match.
AND
I have no comment on the matter.
Matchmaking (Part 2)
In my opinion, gimmick matches are lovely. I can't watch wrestling anymore without gimmick matches up my wazoo. Truly, I love gimmick matches so much that I want to have a passionate night with one, then experience a pregnancy scare afterward. While I appreciate WWE and TNA's efforts to keep up with the times, they have not done enough. A cage around the ring, you say? Not enough. Encouraged weapons that are allowed, says a certain animal? Not enough. An even bigger cage than the previous cage beside a cage built by Nicolas Cage? Not nearly enough.
These days, children have no time nor the patience to watch regular matches with ten-minute time limits; you might as well stuff broccoli inside of Brussels sprouts, then force them to eat it. A normal, one-on-one match lacks many things, three of which include excitement. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action need to get with the program. Back then, jingling keys in front of viewers' faces was new and enthralling. Now, those keys don't jingle like they used to, frienemy.
As a public service, I would like to throw my various non-novelty and novelty hats into the ring. My mind holds oodles of gimmick matches that are waiting to show up on a national and international stage. Once the industry learns that my mind possesses the ability to generate trillions of dollars, every promotion in the world will flock to me. In response, I shall help them for a small free of trillions of dollars and additional service charges. I am running a business, sir and or lady. Pay up or lose out. In order to make money, you must give me money. This is brain surgery and rocket science put together. You can’t handle it.
If I was featured on a movie poster for a romantic comedy right now, the wrestling world and I would be standing back to back. While the wrestling world shrugs its shoulders, I would look at the wrestling world with an annoyed expression on my face. WWE would be like, "What would I do without you? I'm clueless, yet lovable. As for me, I would be like, "Isn't that wrestling world crazy right here? Oh, wrestling world. You crazy." We make quite the match.
Nothing can take the wind out of the fans' boat sails like a disqualification, which is disappointing because it's rarely windy around these parts. Plus, wrestling fans lack sails, let alone boat sails. In the past ten years, nearly 110% of wrestling matches have ended in disqualification. In the past minute, I have been disqualified five times for breathing. Therefore, I suggest that professional wrestling should adopt the "Disqualification Match," in which the point of the match is to disqualify yourself.
Witness wrestlers run at each other in the ringside area, wielding brass knuckles on one hand, a steel chair on the other hand, and German, spiked, army helmets on their heads. You don't need No Disqualification Matches when Disqualification Matches are superior. If you don't agree with me, you're disqualified... or are you? It depends.
Before Mick Foley volunteers to participate in this contest, bringing his children and model wife along for the ride(s), I wish to inform the people that Mick Foleys are not allowed to wrestle in a Six Flags Match. If he shows up, asking to be in my Six Flags Match, please inform me as soon as possible. In case of a Mick Foley Emergency, I shall make up a dress code in which wrestlers must wear shirts other than flannel and pants other than sweat before entering said match.
A Six Flags Match is self-explanatory, but I will explain it to you anyway. A Six Flags Match is a match that takes place at Six Flags. You're welcome. The winner of this match will be first wrestler to pin his opponent at every ride of every Six Flags theme park. Just so you are aware, Six Flags México counts. I don't want to discriminate. In the event that Mick Foley dons a sombrero and poncho to sneak into Six Flags México, I will take off one of my socks, dip it into the clean Mexican waters, then give him the Mandible Claw. If he escapes somehow, I may have to let him into the park. When it comes to theme parks, Mick Foley is relentless. Three of three faces of Foley want to go Six Flags, no matter what. They have a power that is immeasurable.
The "Halftime Heat" Empty Arena Match between The Rock and Mankind was epic. Recently, the Empty Arena Match between Kurt Angle and Sting consisted of both wrestlers calling each other "son of a bitch" a lot, which was epic as well. Unfortunately, nobody was present in the arena to see these matches. In conclusion, those Empty Arena Matches never existed. We were dreaming up those Empty Arena Matches all along. If we wish to witness these matches again for real, we must change the rules. Thus, the Empty Arena Match brings you the Overflowing Arena Match.
This time, the match is as real as Tyson Kidd's hairdo. For the Overflowing Arena Match, wrestlers will fight amidst a crowd of 500,000 spectators. Of course, no arena in the world can hold 500,000 spectators, but who said each member of the audience had to sit in a seat? In an Overflowing Arena Match, arena staff must stack the audience on top of each other until the arena is overflowing with people. To those wrestlers who choose to compete in this match, good luck hitting your opponent with a bag of popcorn because you will never be able to find it in that kind of a crowd. You could blindly dig your hand into the pile, but what you'll be taking out isn't popcorn. Not in the slightest.
Special guest referees are special. Not only do they get to wear special referee shirts, they get to referee wrestling matches. More often than not, special referees come into matches with little to no referee training, but that's what makes them so special. Speaking of things that are special, wrestling rings can be special, too. If you don't believe me, put a gigantic referee's shirt on a regular wrestling ring. What do you get? A special ring.
The object of a Special Ring Match is to gently wrestle your opponent to a pinfall or submission within the specially-clothed squared circle. You better not get that gigantic referee’s shirt dirty and crinkled. That referee’s shirt was specially made for this gimmick match. As a reminder, wrestlers should not violently slam or suplex their opponent onto the mat either. Since this ring is special, wrestlers should lightly set their opponents onto the mat as if it is a comfy bed. That way, everybody is happy and special rings remain special and unharmed. After everyone is done, we can all have juice and play with blocks in the corner. Yeah.
Wrestling promotions like ECW have taught us that fans don’t hesitate to bring weapons from home. If you ask them, they will bring them. Any household object can serve as a weapon in a Fans Bring The Weapons Match. For example, skillets, mallets, VHS and DVD players, and elderly grandmothers are useful weapons in these contests. I have never attended a wrestling event that had a Fans Bring the Weapons Match on the card, but I carry household weapons with me at all times. The other day, I brought steak knives. I tried to get them into the arena, but security wouldn't let me enter the building. Man, they must dislike steak knives. I would have went back home to get my butter knife, but that would take too long.
In 2009, a Fans Build The Weapons Match shall revolutionize the Fans Bring The Weapons Match. Wrestling fans love it when wrestlers hit each other with chairs, but can they construct chairs for wrestlers to use? On a recent episode of TNA Impact, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner fought with Santa Claus lawn ornaments and pogo sticks. Do fans have the skills to build Santa Claus lawn ornaments, pogo sticks, or Scott Steiner lawn ornaments trying and failing to use pogo sticks? The answer will surprise and amaze you. I want you to hit that guy with a building. Build it.
Even though the industry continues to use the Strap Match, I wish to reinvent it to appeal to an adult audience. For this bout, the strap will look a little different. You could say that the strap would be larger and thicker in size. You know what I mean by "strap," right? Don't make me say it. I only think up the matches. I’m not obligated to provide vivid descriptions. If you aren't sure what "strap" means, ask your mother, or your father... or... whoever. In this "Strap" Match, one wrestler equips this "strap," then uses it on the other wrestler. More specifically, he or she "hits" the other with the strap. Once those fifteen minutes are over, the wrestler hands the strap to the opponent to give him a try. The wrestler who can take the most "hits" will be the victor.
Do you understand the words that I are coming of my mouth? I know that many mothers and fathers who watch wrestling with their children will be furious with this idea, but a Strap Match would be the greatest spectacle. Imagine a championship match decided when one competitor goes behind the other and clocks him in the back of the head with a championship belt. Oh, that would be pleasurable. Also, that would be sexually violating for some reason. I don't know why.
One day, The Great Khali squished wrestlers' heads and regulation basketballs with his bare hands. The next day, he became "The Punjabi Playboy," making out with several ladies for his and Ranjin Singh's personal enjoyment. Call me insane, but I would not go for Khali's ladies. They are too attractive. I am not nor will I ever be a Bollywood movie star. I am nothing more than a simple professional wrestling analyst who has the potential to become a Hollywood movie star. Move over, John Cena and actual Hollywood movie stars.
The audience’s apathy has proven that the Punjabi Prison Match is a bust. To me, the Punjabi Prison Match was a gimmick match lazily created by a giant with a surplus of giant toothpicks. Wrestling fans don't care about giants with a surplus of giant toothpicks. They care about mansions with beautiful and personality-deficient women. In the Punjabi Playboy Mansion Match, The Great Khali and his opponent must compete against each other to see how many Punjabi Playboy Playmates they can kiss. Punishment and pain were norms in the Punjabi Prison Match. Luckily, Punjabi Playboy Mansion Matches are all about loving. Newspaperjeet Sihota — Miss January 2009 — is super fetching for a Punjabi Playboy Playmate. I want to read her all over.
Now and forever, vampires are cool. They sleep in coffins, dislike garlic and stakes to the heart, love Kristen Stewart with an undying passion, and serve as counts for chocolate-flavoured cereals. During the Attitude Era, Gangrel was a vampire. Look where he is now. A few years ago in ECW, Kevin Thorn was a vampire. He had a cane. Look what became of him. Kevin Thorn's lady, Ariel, was a vampiress before doubling as a Latin American valet who did nothing of value. Think about her success. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to become a vampire. I want the fangs, the cape, and the paleness. Additionally, I want every wrestler in WWE to become vampires.
A Thirst for Blood Match has a basic concept: two wrestlers fight to suck blood from the other's neck. If both participants suck each other's blood at the same time, they will engage in a Vampire Off, in which they must try to transform themselves into bats and fly out of an open, Transylvania castle window. When you can live like a vampire, what else it there to live for? Nothing. If you aren't a vampire, you can't even teach kids to count. What a horrible life.
Scaffold matches are the opposite of entertaining. For your information, Jim Cornette broke his leg in a Scaffold Match, which forced him to look and act like a surly pharmacist for the rest of his life. In a Scaffold Match, I know that the first wrestler to knock his opponent off the scaffold wins, but you know something else? The loser of that scaffold match almost dies. That last fact isn't that interesting to me. Professional wrestling should be about witnessing athletic feats, not watching a scared fellow clumsily land on his butt from a height of fifteen feet or more.
In terms of the Scaffold Match, I call for a revolution. A revolution from a reasonably high place. Unlike a normal Scaffold Match, a Reasonably High Place Match will involve a scaffold raised about five feet off the mat. Never again will you see a wrestler show his fear of heights. In the event that one of the competitors finds himself dangling from the edge of the scaffold, no worries. He will look down from the scaffold with a relieved expression and say, "Wow, this scaffold is not as high as I thought it was. Actually, the distance from the edge to the floor is rather reasonable. Hey, man. Look at the height of this. It's not that high at all. How about that?" Yeah, how about that?
A Pillow Match is fun when both women understand that the pillows they are pummelling each other with may not be hurting them physically, but will scar them emotionally in the future. Alas, the current crop of WWE Divas will never know the joys of emotionally scarring one another with a pillow. In accordance with the new, family-friendly WWE, I propose that they introduce a Pillow Match that boasts the competitive and dangerous spirit of men's gimmick matches. What I'm talking about when I'm talking about this match is pillows. Pillows of death.
The parental guidance prompt suggests that death shouldn’t be part of the matchmaking equation, but guiding parents should hear me out before they judge. These pillows will not shoot bullets. These pillows will not cause explosions. For a Pillow of Death Match, WWE Divas will hit each other with pillows that contain things that may or may not lead to irreparable, lethal harm. In a single, mystery pillow, I will include one of five deadly creatures: a venomous cobra, a poisonous bullfrog, a neighbour with homicidal tendencies, a robot from the future, and Steve Blackman. The Diva who suffers the wrath of one of these deadly beings shall lose the match. In the end, she may lose more than the match, but I am not responsible for such an incident. Paramedics are on the scene. Blame the parents. Blame society. Blame anybody other than me. I'm innocent, I tells you. All I did was everything.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Requests of Anger: It's A Big Bad Waffle Cone Tonight
*****
NEXT WEEK
Make it or break it.
AND
You know love can do you like a shotgun.
Matchmaking (Part 1)
Wrestling traditionalists, also known as really old people, have little to no faith in today's flashy gimmick matches. As for me, I can't get enough of these fancy ass contests. Quite frankly, I'm sick, tired, and sickly tired of standard, one-on-one wrestling matches. When I tune in to a WWE or TNA broadcast, I don't want to use my imagination; rather, I want promoters to fashion an imagination for me. Wrestling on television shouldn't make you think. Wrestling on television should make you rowdy, aroused, and somewhat uncomfortable. After all, you're the only one wearing pants in this equation. You see, wrestlers need mobility. Pants will only restrict their movement in battle.
In the past decade, numerous matches owe their greatness to the gimmick match. When Mankind wrestled the Undertaker in the Hell in a Cell, he became a wrestling superstar. At WrestleMania 13, an I Quit Match that pitted an emerging Stone Cold Steve Austin versus Bret "The Hitman" Hart solidified the former as the leader of the Attitude Era, what with his no-nonsense attitude and ability to wear all that ketchup on his face while struggling in the Sharpshooter. Speaking of WrestleManias, the seventeenth edition of the grandiose event gave us the TLC Match, which showcased the Hardy Boyz, the Dudley Boyz, and the Edge and Christian Boyz as three of the best tag teams in WWF and WWE history. Some wrestling fans believe that gimmick matches are unnecessary. Other followers find the convoluted rules of these contests quite confusing and convoluted. For your informative information, I am not one of those people. I am the opposite of most of those people.
In 2009, the industry must evolve. As the world changes before them, they must change with it. If they do not, they will be left behind, forced to become a distant and dying fad. Professional wrestling is not an entertainment sport to forget. Wrestling may be a circus at times, but it’s no Pogs. I have fifteen slammers and fourteen Pog tubes in an cardboard box that can back up my claim. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action are able to survive because they continue to invent and reinvent. These promotions are never complacent. In the fight for millions of your dollars, they are willing to throw any gimmick match your way. Put two nouns together and they will somehow make a gimmick match out of it. Go ahead. Peppercorn faucet, you say? Two weeks from now, the Peppercorn Faucet Match will be born. You do not have to thank the companies for bringing this match into the fold. Surely, they should be thanking you.
For the next few weeks, I will serve as wrestling's human support system, trying to bring new and exciting matches in this very ring or that other very ring. I cannot tell the difference between these very rings because they look alike, except that one is four-sided with a WWE-themed apron while the other is six-sided, adorned in the TNA logo. Whatever you do, take these gimmick match ideas as they are: brilliant works of a genius who lived long before his time. You better put some kudos in the vault now because you can bank on it.
According to WWE, their Hell in a Cell Match keeps participants confined to a small space so they may settle their on-air differences in close quarters. As we all know, Hell in a Cell Matches rarely stay in that hellish cell. Somehow, wrestlers find a way to escape, busting through the chain-link walls, or using tools to create openings. The referee can lock that door all he wants, but those guys are going to get out, come hell in a cell or high water in a cell. Therefore, what I propose is a slight variation to the Hell in a Cell in which WWE will have to secure a larger cell around the first cell. I know this idea is similar to the Kennel from Hell Match, but I am well aware that my gimmick match cannot live up to those lofty and legendary expectations. As wrestlers break free from the first cell, they will be in for a surprise. If they break out of the second cell, I shall include a third and fourth cell as reinforcement. Now try and get of this Russian-nesting-doll-like situation, fillies and fellows.
Longtime wrestling enthusiasts despise the 2 Out of 3 Falls Match for its predictability. Like the Iron Man Match, the 2 Out of 3 Falls Match ensures that wrestlers will compete for a certain amount of time. In this case, they usually go all the way to the third fall. In order to take the predictability out of this bout, I want to present a radical concept that will surely send many a ripple through the wrestling industry. In my mind, 2 Out of 3 Falls is not enough. If WWE and TNA want to make a multiple-fall match that matters, they must go above and beyond three falls. In other words, I am not talking five falls; I am not even referring to seven falls. Next year, I want to see a twenty-nine-fall match. The first wrestler who gets to fifteen falls by pin or submission wins the contest. How will this alteration change the game, I ask myself? Well, self, you make a intelligent and sexually irresistible point. By the twentieth fall, wrestling fans will be too exhausted to care how long the match goes. Perhaps most of them will fall asleep in their chairs, leaning on each other's shoulder in an adorable, peaceful conga line. That’s darling.
Today, the Table Match is a staple in wrestling, much like the DDT or Ric Flair's one-sided attacks on his own clothing. Once in a while, I love myself a Table Match, but what did tables ever do to deserve such harsh punishment? Before the Dudley Boyz arrived in WWE, tables lived lives of happiness, existing as decorative and functional pieces of furniture in suburban homes everywhere. After Bubba and D-Von departed, those tables were never the same. As an alternative, I would like to suggest that the wrestling world introduces the Ottoman Match, in which two wrestlers or tag teams compete to put their opponent(s) through living room ottomans. Although an ottoman does have the same width or length of an average, wooden, folding table, think about the possibilities. Watch in awe as competitors fight to accurately position their foes for a powerbomb through an ottoman, only to meet the feet of someone who wants to rest and recover from a stressful work day. Of course, a broken ottoman does not produce the same, satisfying crunching sound as a folding table, but man will that guy be mad. His feet were killing him that day. Nice.
Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels made the Ladder Match famous, competing not once, but twice for the right to own Intercontinental gold. If I get my wish in ten years, a returning Ric Flair and the ghost of Terry Funk will popularize a bout appropriately known as the Stair Lift Match. Growing old is an inevitably. One day, we can chew our own food. The next, we need to put an entire Thanksgiving turkey into a blender in order to digest it. In wrestling — a physical sport that significantly takes its mental and physical toll on youthful talent — the ability to climb a ladder is a fleeting privilege. Later on in life, the stresses of the ring pile up, resulting in broken-down individuals who struggle to climb a single rung, let alone many. For the older wrestlers in wrestling land who want a gimmick match for themselves, I give them the stair lift. As seen on television, mechanical stair lifts have helped elderly men and women up and down the stairs for generations. Besides the walk-in bathtub, the stair lift has been a tremendous invention for old people. So, why not incorporate the convenience of stair lifts with the drama of a ladder match? The winner of the Stair Lift Match is the first wrestler to mechanically lift himself or herself up the staircase towards the title belt that hangs high above the last step. If they cannot reach the belt, I shall give each wrestler the gift of an extendable trash picker. Nobody loses in that situation.
With the Ultimate X Match, Total Nonstop Action has made professional wrestling fun again. I am not a trained professional wrestler, but if I was, I would not hesitate to compete in the Ultimate X Match. For one, I like to climb jungle gyms. For two, I love to climb jungle gyms for the purpose of acquiring gigantic, red letters that often fall from the middle of said jungle gym. As a professional wrestling analyst, I am jealous. I wanted to be the first person to think up the Ultimate X Match. Judging from my previous ideas, the Ultimate X Match cartwheels right into my wheelhouse of carts. Because I want to save face, I plan to go straight-up Sesame Street in this mother. As of Monday, May 18, 2009, The Swerved brings you the Ultimate ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Match, in which wrestlers must fight to gain twenty-six letters of the alphabet that hang from twenty-six different places on the ropes. If TNA can secure a deal with Scrabble, wrestlers can gain additional points if they are able to grab a series of letters in the correct order to spell a word. While TNA's Ultimate X is good, is it twenty-six letters good? I don't think so, Brohosaphat.
Historically speaking, the Arm Wrestling Match goes back to prehistoric times, where cavemen fought for food, wives, and respect via tests of arm strength. Not only did the winner of said test get some food, some wives, and some respect, they got to use various animals as vacuum cleaners, garbage disposals, and mailboxes as well. What a life. In an Arm Wrestling Match, each competitor attempts to pin down his or her opponent’s arm. In a Wrestling Arms Match, a competitor attempts to fight and defeat a fatal weapon, such as a machete, rocket launcher, or a cyanide pill. Those of you who have battled arms before will know that this match will take skill, endurance, and perseverance. I am not knowledgeable about deadly weaponry, but I almost positive that a human being can defeat a gun by punching it a whole lot. If I am wrong in my assumption, do not correct me. I am overly sensitive when it comes to receiving corrections from the general public. Looking back to 2003, the build-up to the Royal Rumble would have been better if Triple H and Scott Steiner fought weapons rather than each other's arm. Weapons make anything better. Everybody saw Lethal Weapon, but would they have seen Lethal Arm?
The object of a Tuxedo Match is to strip your male opponent out of his suit. The object of a Bra and Panties Match is to strip your female opponent out of her clothes until she is down to wearing her bra and panties. Thirteen-year-old boys love these matches. For them, partial male nudity is funny, whereas partial female nudity stimulates some chronicles in their Narnia. When I was a thirteen-year-old, I was content with these matches, but not entirely happy. In my thirteen-year-old opinion, tuxedos were meant to be worn in a classy fashion like James Bond, not torn. As for Bra and Panties Matches, the concept bored me for such sights were commonplace in my world. Back then, I interacted with numerous half-dressed girls in my bachelor pad entitled "The Bedroom Next to My Parents' Room." The girls love their Nintendo 64 and Capri Sun. What was I to do?
Even though I might be the only one who shows interest in the following idea, I wish to present it anyway. Whether or not you agree with me, the Tuxedo of Panties Match appeals to many demographics, ranging from those who like tuxedos to those who like panties to those who like tuxedos fashioned into panties. You cannot go wrong with panties made out of tuxedos because the overall look is both classy and sexy. My job is done here... until the next gimmick match proposal.
Wrestling promoters do not shy away from placing objects on poles. Most of the time, promoters put the kinds of objects on poles that do not belong anywhere near poles. I am not sure if glittery stars, piñatas, and boxes with Scott Hall's picture inside are objects worthy to be placed on poles either, but wrestling companies think differently. Like always, I will take the high road and disregard the obvious pole jokes. Believe you me, you are a twisted individual and I will not subject myself to such lowbrow, immature humour.
Speaking of upright rods, every superstar in the wrestling business will want to climb mine because I plan to place a second pole on top of the first in a Pole on a Pole Match. While one pole is difficult to climb, two poles are twice as hard. If someone manages to climb the second pole, they will win the match. Exotic dancers are ineligible because they use poles in their everyday lives. Allowing a stripper to compete in this match is like letting Kelly Kelly wrestle in a Pointing to the Sky Match. Kelly Kelly points to the sky to acknowledge the future success of our family band, but that gesture perplexes everybody else. She should stop.
Global warming is real, you guys. If you throw your Styrofoam cups in the ocean, the icebergs will melt, causing floods around the world. In the North Pole, Santa Claus will lose his home. The elves will try to escape by cobbling an airplane out of cedar, but they will eventually succumb to the flood. Those Hollywood celebrities are right, you know. They are famous. Therefore, I must hear them out and obey their orders. They will not steer me wrong because some of them acted in popular films before. In World Wrestling Entertainment, the Inferno Match has done big, fiery business, making mad money by slightly setting the Big Red Machine's boot and MVP's protected back ablaze with a flame that rivals a small to medium-sized match. Borrowing and tinkering with their idea, I give to you the Summer Heat Wave Match, which combines the danger of the Inferno Match with the uncomfortable unpleasantness of a summer heat wave. In the Summer Heat wave Match, two wrestlers face off to see who can stay out of the heat the longest. He or she who fails to stay out of the heat will be forced to face the burning wrath of a summer day in Phoenix, Arizona. It's so painful for you, the wrestler, but it's so enjoyable for a viewer like myself. People with heart conditions live there. Fresh pitchers of lemonade are sparse. Oh, no. What is to become of you?
The Falls Count Anywhere Match provides wrestlers with the opportunity to pin their opponent(s) wherever they want to in an arena. Consider this match as the antithesis of the Hell in a Cell Match for it encourages wrestlers to brawl with each other in the crowd, fight through the aisles, and wrestle in front of concession stands. With the Falls Count Anywhere Match, any type of pinfall is legal in any place.
For a Falls Count Somewhere Match, securing a victory is improbable, but not impossible. In this match, a pinfall only counts when attempted at a certain, undisclosed place. Perhaps that place is the arena, or the parking lot. Maybe that place is across the street. Most likely, that "somewhere" is metaphorical. Falls count there... or do they? Every fall counts except the one in my heart... or does it? Where is this "somewhere? Will we ever get to it? Did it ever exist? In the night sky, I look for answers, but it only gives me questions. One day, I will find that somewhere. Those wrestlers will find that somewhere. Someday, we will turn that "somewhere" into "some" "where."
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 66th
Randy Orton (c) vs. Kevin Arnold
What would you do if I RKOed you?
Would you lie there or do a weird, RVD-like flip thing?
Lend me your ears and you will hear my voices sing
They don't have a favourite genre, they like a little bit of everything
Oh, Winnie, do you really think of Kevin as a friend?
By the way you look at him, it seems as though Kevin is more than a friend
All you need is an oil rub from a friend
Well Kevin seems like some kind of best friend
But with a little bit of benefits
Some benefits from someone who's more than a friend
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Kofi Kingston defeats a man who is unable to use both of his arms. What a win for him, Michael Cole.
AND
Who's to say my fantasies won't come true — just this once?
Jerichabulary
Any way you put it, today's Chris Jericho is not your mother's Chris Jericho. The Y2J you knew and loved during the Attitude Era has turned into an unrecognizable, ruthless, and surly baddie. From this point forward, I shall call him Christopher Jericho, Esq. because he means a whole lot of business right now. He means so much business that sleeps in a three-piece business suit in a bed made out of business cards as he watches businessmen and businesswomen report on business on a television that he uses for business, not pleasure.
I can safely say that Jericho has made himself into a new man. If any of you have bottles and or cans of Jerichohol in your refrigerators and cupboards, do not bother stashing them any longer because the old Chris Jericho is dead. Surely, the Jerichoholic content in a standard container of Jerichohol is fairly high, but if Chris isn't present to enjoy these libations with you, what’s the point of keeping them? If you have shiny button-up shirts and or vests in your closet, throw these articles of clothing away for the days of Jericho trying to look like a flamboyant bartender are long gone. Please pour some Jerichohol on the sidewalk in remembrance of the old Chris Jericho. You were a shiny man among men, Chris. We love you and miss you dearly.
With the death of the old Chris Jericho comes a new beginning. Although we have lost someone, we have gained a talent and eloquent linguist in the form of Mr. Stiff Suit. Jericho may not be as entertaining as he once was, but think about the valuable life lessons that he wishes to teach us. Your parents weren't smart enough to teach big words, but guess who can? Christopher Jericho is that man. If he cannot do it, nobody can unless I make an effort to do so. Just so you know, I don't want to help you that much. For the most part, I have better things to do with my time, but not Jericho. He has to use his suit for something.
Who needs the Sylvan (not Grenier) Learning Centre when you have Chris Jericho? Let him be your teacher. Let yourself become his student. Let me make this teacher-student relationship work. Do not be scared of learning, boys and girls. After all, knowledge is power. Also, knowledge is knowledge, which is pretty surprising.
The new Chris Jericho doesn't like you that much. Take your six-piece suit off this instant. To be honest, you are overcompensating with your suit. You are dressed for two and a half weddings. Let's face it: you're not up to Jerichonian standards. In fact, he believes you are an axiomatic to the highest degree. At least you have your looks.
Pronunciation: ax - e - oh - mah - tick
Type: noun
Meaning: A axe-carrying, asthmatic individual.
Example: If you are in a tree-chopping competition in which you must chop down trees while you run through the forest at full speed, the last person you should have on your team is an axiomatic. I know he's a nice person and all, but nice doesn't win tree-chopping competitions.
On any day of any given week, Chris Jericho is likely to use this word to describe you. He would use more than this word, but he lost his portable word-a-day calendar in a freak Spaghettios Factory accident. The letters were everywhere. There were two many Xs. There were not enough Ys. Don't ask me why a professional wrestler would leave himself open to injury in a freak Spaghettios Factory accident. I don't know their life.
Pronunciation: sick - oh - fant
Type: adjective
Meaning: Of, or relating to, the appearance of a sick elephant.
Example: With a swine flu like that, you better not give me that sycophant disease. I don't want to eat chicken noodles through my nose. I don't want to use my ears for flying. I just want to dance in an interpretive manner.
Like Ken Kennedy during the Signature Pharmacy scandal, Chris Jericho speaks the truth. He does not go back on his word, nor does he contradict the words he previously spoke. When I look in Ken Kennedy's face, do you know what I see? Honestly. The same can be said for one Chris Jericho. If I can trust Ken Kennedy with my nonexistent children, I should be able to trust Jericho as well. Let's just hope one of my children doesn't host a talk show segment with a cardboard backdrop. Those cardboard backdrops end lives.
Pronunciation: hip - oh - crit
Type: verb
Meaning: To criticize someone with hypoglycemia as if that individual was a hippopotamus.
Example: This is our swimming hole, Howard. Why do you always make me hypocrite you? Don't you have a cookie to eat, or a Dixie cup of orange juice to drink, or a white ball to ingest if I press down on the black lever on your back? Shoot.
Chris Jericho is known to many wrestling fans around the world as a master of words. Too bad he's not a master of looking decent in trunks. Am I right, or am I right, single ladies with self-esteem issues? If you have the ability to snap your fingers in a sassy fashion, please do so... now. Bob your head back and forth twice or thrice for added effect. I would show you how to do both actions, but I can't. Due to a prolonged instance of sassiness, I won't be able to do any sassy gestures until the end of the year. My sassy apologies.
Pronunciation: reh - cal - suh - trent
Type: noun
Meaning: A man named Trent who has calcified himself two times over.
Example: You went ahead and turned yourself into a recalcitrant, Trent. I was about to watch RAW with you, but now you have the consistency of chalk. Good job. Congratulations on turning yourself into dust. I bet I could stir part of you in my glass of milk, but for your sake, I won't.
As Chris Jericho begins his rumoured feud with Rey Mysterio, I have a few suggestions for him. First of all, he should avoid draping himself over the middle rope as much as possible. Second of all, he should sew extra pockets on Rey's pants so Rey does not drop the dime or any considerable amount of change on his face. Third of all, have fun. World Wrestling Entertainment is PG, which means you can say any complicated word you want, as long as children don't understand it. As John Cena has taught us, they understand “poop,” though. Boy, do they ever.
Pronunciation: pair - eh - sight
Type: noun
Meaning: Two WWE.com websites placed side by side.
Example: A raving review of 12 Rounds by a WWE employee next to another raving review of 12 Rounds by a WWE employee makes this film a must-see. I'm glad this parasite is giving me movie suggestions, rather than showing me sexy ladies, useful information, or sexy ladies with useful information. That's why they made The View.
Chris Jericho is glowing proof that chairshots and human blows to the head can make you smarter. You just have to hit the right part of the head. Some may call it the "sweet spot," but I have never tried to taste a particular part of the human head. I like good food. I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Don't hate me because I don't like exotic delicacies.
Pronunciation: pet - chu - lent
Type: adjective
Meaning: Having a bad temper in the vicinity of your domesticated pet.
Example: These energy bills are piling up this year. I don't think I can afford gas anymore, what with my car insurance and student loans in the way. I'm so angry. Look away, Catista: the jerkiest cat in Cat Wrestling Entertainment. I don't want you to notice my petulant behaviour.
This word is nothing but a travesty. Chris Jericho is a travesty You are the one who is the travesty. Look at you and your travesty. Who do you think you are, dressed to impress with that travesty? Where did you go to school? Travesty Community Travesty? Did you major in travesty? What a travesty. Put on your travesty. We are going to the travesty to see your travesty. Why, what a nice travesty. You should be proud of your travesty, you success story, you.
Pronunciation: trah - vest - tee
Type: verb
Meaning: To be in the process of travesting.
Example: Shane McMahon wishes to travesty the careers of Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted Dibiase with his tennis shoes, witty baseball jersey, wind pants, greying hair, superhuman strength and endurance, and rhythmic dancing. If I didn't know any better, Shane McMahon likes to travesty the entire WWE with his Shane McMahonness most of the time. Awesome.
This word is one that is adored by the old Jericho, as well as the new Jericho. This word is the bridge that bonds Y2J with Señor Serious Face. When he retires, "sanctimonious" will be the first word to be part of the WWE Hall of Fame. Most likely, "Y2Cheap" will not be put into the WWE Hall of Fame because I predict it will have its own Hall of Fame. You can't get any better than "Y2Cheap" for I have no idea what that insult means. I would ask young Jonathan about it, but he's too busy pretending to be critically hurt, despite the fact that he is able to travel on the road, driving from arena to arena, without much difficulty.
Pronunciation: sank - tim - moan - e - us
Type: verb
Meaning: To be brag about your ability to confuse one Canadian Chris with another.
Example: Jim Ross prefers to sanctimonious me with his early-2000 commentary. Let's hope that other Chris and I do not tag with each other in high-profile RAW matches against Triple H and Steve Austin during that time. He will never get it right.
Now and forever, Rey Mysterio is "The Batman." Although, I'm not sure he flies by night. I am going to guess that Batmen prefer to fly-by-the-early-morning so they do not have to face the traffic during afternoon hours. Chris Jericho may be a wise fellow, by he does not do what Rey Mysterio does. If anything, Chris Jericho is "The Two-Face," except half of his face doesn't look like the Cryptkeeper. That half of his face just looks like the other half of his face. What a rip-off.
Pronunciation: fly - buy - knight
Type: adjective
Meaning: A significant preference to fly during the evening as opposed to the day. Specifically, a significant preference to fly at around 9:37 pm (Mountain Time).
Example: Chris Jericho likes to fly immediately after a Season 2, early-afternoon rerun of One Tree Hill. In conclusion, he is not a fly-by-night person.
World Wrestling Entertainment prides itself on wardrobe created by WWE Divas. Remember that time when Sable had handprints painted to her boobies? That attire was not only cost-effective, but Marc Mero-approved. When it comes to Divas clothing, I don't care for them unless "The Wildman" cares for them. That's just how life is for me. In retrospect, perhaps I am incorrectly living my life at the moment. Oh well.
Pronunciation: cloh - thing - line
Type: noun
Meaning: Stylish wardrobe created by WWE Diva Maria Kanellis, if every piece of clothing ever existed took the form of a sleeveless, sparkly hoodie.
Example: Clothing line? Who gives a damn about your clothing line? Has everyone lost control? Does anyone know what's important around here? Teddy Long is an unprofessional general manager who hires incompetent referees and inept, useless divas. By the way, this sleeveless hoodie does not sparkle enough. Get me the BeDazzler.
Monday, May 04, 2009
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 65th
Christian (c) vs. Biff Tannen
Tell me, butthead, why should I close my eyes?
I've got on my retro clothes, looking directly at the prize
All I wanted to do was win that title from you
So go ahead and run, have your fun
This manure accident better be the only one
Gotta be the only one
Don't count on winning by a count out or DQ
My love for Lorraine is truer than true
Don't you take this from me, this sports almanac was free
So go ahead and run, have your fun
This manure accident better be the only one
Gotta be the only one
Gotta be the only one
Gotta be, gotta be
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Spotlights. Spotlights for sale. Well, well, WWE. Look what we have here.
AND
Now it's changing all the time, living in a minute where the minutes working overtime.
Entrance Theme Interpretations: Revenge of the Theme
At its best, music can make you dance, laugh, and think. As I take a listen to the current music of World Wrestling Entertainment, I can't help but do one of those things. You see, today's entrance themes are full of thoughtful lyrics. The other day, WWE entrance themes made me think about my own existence. Is life all about "The Game" and how I play it, or should live life for the moment instead? Well, it may be The Big Show, but is this life one "big show"? Am I the main character of a television program based on my life, much like The Truman Show? Or, do I play an supporting role in the life of another? I am usually the first critic in the history of critics to insult WWE for not thinking out of the box enough, but I am happy to say that they are deeper than I suspected. Maybe there is more to Vince McMahon and company than what my eyes can see. Honestly, I thought they were holograms at first. After analyzing their brand of professional wrestling for several years, at least I know these people are real.
Between criticizing WWE's taste in music and suggesting better songs for the company to use, I would like to take a step or two back and enjoy some choice selections in their 2009 music collection. Although I can only listen to so much Papa Roach and Saliva, I am open to hear what these songs of today have to say. As a writer, I take inspiration from anywhere. Give me a hopeful lyric and I will use it to create the next great article. Give me a heartbreaking line and I will channel it towards the saddest piece you will ever read. I ask a lot from WWE, but I don't want them to give me anything this week. This time, I want to give something back to WWE and its intergalactic WWE Universe. Since you deserve several pats on your several backs, I will not delay those pats any further. Let me send those pats to you post haste. I hope your backs accept the charges.
Beneath the hard shell of World Wrestling Entertainment lies a insightful, wrestling soul. In this revival of Entrance Theme Interpretations, I wish to open up this shell for your benefit, dear readers. WWE does not have time to reveal their wrestlers' innermost dreams and desires to you, but at the tender age of 172, I have all the time in the world to do this daunting task for them. I may not be a pleasant man. I may not be smart. In fact, I may be a man at all, but the least I can do is interpret today's entrance themes. That way, you can understand the pain and the pleasure that these wrestlers experience on a daily basis. They may be WWE Superstars, but they are human beings — just like you. I can't say that I am a human being per se, though. I recently found a wire in my forearm. I may be some sort of professional wrestling, analytic cyborg. Sweet.
While I try to figure out the meaning of professional wrestling's newest and truest songs, I would like you to join me. Don't be afraid. I will not hurt you. Supposedly, I am a cyborg constructed from scrap metal and spare computer parts, sent from the future to protect and inform you. The alien invasion will not be triumphant.
ECW's newest acquisition comes to you in the form of "The Moscow Mauler" Vladimir Kozlov. As you could gather from his first appearance on the show, he seeks global domination. By the look of his unique, Russian military costume, he looks as though he wants to fight in a Street Fighter tournament as well. Raul Julia has nothing on Vladimir Kozlov. Whether he accepts a fight in the street or a tussle in an avenue, I bet Vladimir Kozlov can defeat America’s own Jean Claude van Damme. All Vladimir has to do is win two out of the three rounds in an airplane hangar as a bunch of people watch him fight. If he does so, he will face a sumo wrestler in the finals. Best of luck to him. Plus, best of luck to myself as I try to translate this Russian song into English.
Singer: Russ Ian
Genre: Devilish Marching-Band Rock
Ja prinjos tebe bol'
(I have a bowl made out of a Pringles can. I will use this Pringles bowl in a war somehow. I will tempt the enemy with promises of Pringles potato chips, then kill them when they try to look inside the bowl.)
Ja tvoj koshmar
(I have a cashmere toy. I will use this in a war, too. For the enemies who do not die at the hands of my Pringles bowl, I will throw a cashmere toy at them. As they comment about the pleasing texture of the toy, I will hit them in the back of the head with the Pringles bowl.)
Ja tvoja problema i ty ejo ne hochesh'
(My plan will pose a problem if the enemy prefers Hostess snack cakes over Pringles potato chips.)
Ja prinjos tebe vojnu
(I have a whole crate of Pringles canisters in my van. I would use them all in the war, but I am hoping to build a Pringles fort in the future.)
Ja - skala, kotoruju ty ne sdvinesh'
(I have a scale that can weigh Scandinavians of most shapes and sizes.)
Ja prinjos Russkuju Spravedlivost'
(I got my Russian Pringles canisters spayed and neutered.)
U tebja net dostoinstva
(My pet tiger wants to get his doctorate online. I told him that it will be impossible, yet he will not quit.)
Ty nichto
(Even if my pet tiger gets his doctorate, he will be practising in a niche speciality, such as Stripe Allergy and Immunology.)
Ja smetu tebja so svoego puti
(My other pet tiger wants to become a professional golfer. Tigers as professional golfers have already been done.)
Kak budto tebja nikogda i ne bylo
(Regardless, I hope my other pet tiger gets sponsorship from a major brand like Nikon. They make quality digital cameras.)
Bol'! [x4]
(This Pringles bowl is my best friend. My friendship bracelet is a token of our undying unity.)
From a Some-Canadian Canadian to an All-American American, I hope and pray that World Wrestling Entertainment does not screw up Jack Swagger. With Swagger, they have themselves the love-child of Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar. Like you, I always wondered which one was the man and which one was the woman in this proposed relationship. While Kurt has the caring nature of a woman, Brock has the build to carry their child. Either way, Jack Swagger would have had a tremendous upbringing, battling various animals on the Lesnar Family Farm in amateur wrestling matches.
Singer: Age Against the Machine's Singing Machine
Genre: Rapilicious Rock
Check, one-two
(Review this song once, then twice for added checking effect.)
Oh, yeah
(Oh, yes.)
Oh
(Oh.)
Check this [expletive] out
(Review and borrow this excrement from your public library.)
I got you where I want you
(I want you in Funkytown. I got you in Funkytown, son. Dang.)
Your clock's run out of time
(You use an hourglass to track time, rather than a watch. Every grain of sand in your hourglass has fell to the bottom. Digital watches don't do such a thing.)
'Cause you know I know you
(You are aware that I am not in favour of hourglasses. Years ago, an hourglass murdered my pet hamster. I have not forgiven it.)
And I'll show you that the heat you feel is mine
(I will rub myself against you to create fire. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but when I rub against you like a stick or a stone, sparks ignite.)
Yeah, fear it grips you, and it rips you
(Fear will sexually harass you, then talk in negative terms about you behind you're back. You should have pretended to enjoy fear's advances. Now you have to get along with fear in a tense working environment.)
And you question what is true
(You don't know what to do. If you report this instance of sexual harassment to human resources, you will be fired. If you do not, fear will continue to grope you in appropriate ways in appropriate places. It will reach around you while you're making coffee. Please make the right choice.)
So consider me your preacher, 'cause we'll explain it all to you
(Think of me as your Reverend D-Von because Reverend D-Von was D-Von Dudley's most successful gimmick. Reverend D-Von and Deacon Batista will help you cope with all this groping through prayer.)
Get on your knees
(I told you I would help you stop fear's sexual advances, but I never said I would help you stop mine. You sure have a purdy mouth.)
Get down on your knees
(Your mouth is really purdy.)
I'll bring you to my knees
(Get your purdy mouth over here.)
On your knees
(I want your purdy mouth at waist level. Let us say our sexy prayers.)
Oh
(Oh.)
Yeah
(Yes.)
That bead of sweat that drenched you
(That bead of sweat wasn't a bead of sweat, if you know what flag I'm saluting.)
Like all the lies that made you what you are
(Wait a second. Your purdy mouth was surgically enhanced to be purdy. What a purdy liar, you are.)
Politician, all talk but no conviction
(You are the John Kerry of charismatic human beings with purdy mouths.)
Always certain with no reason
(You don't know why you surgically enhanced your purdy mouth, but you did it anyway. How dare you.)
Like threats and fruit sold out of season
(You are like a strawberry in late April to early May... who uses threats meant for the summer. You know when you say, "I’m going to be your summer sun and burn you to a crisp"? Well, it's still spring. You can't use that threat yet.)
Now I've come to your confession, and to punish your transgression
(For your sins, I will put your purdy mouth to good use. You will become a purdy mouth model for various catalogues and magazines. Because I thought up the idea, I will receive a significant percentage of your pay.)
On your knees
(Get your purdy mouth at waist level. Don't make me grope you.)
I'll get you on your knees
(This threat is primarily used in the spring. So, I'm allowed to use it.)
Yeah
(I'm positive that I'm allowed to use it.)
I'll bring you to your knees
(Don't make me use a May-specific threat. Get your purdy mouth at waist level this instant.)
Oh
(Oh.)
On your knees
(You better dress up that purdy mouth of yours. It's sexy-praying time.)
Without Ezekiel Jackson by his side, I am worried about The Brian Kendrick's fate. After the WWE Draft, Monday Night RAW has become the Triple H Show featuring Randy Orton and the Shawn Michaels Singers. Ever since he appeared on WWE television as Spanky, I have been a fan of his work, but my support can only take The Brian so far. If his asymmetrical leather jacket had wings, I would tell Kendrick to fly himself to the main event, shattering the glass ceiling under the feet of the superstars of today in order to become the superstar of tomorrow. As I dissect his theme song, I will try to understand the meaning of his so-called "plan." I hope this plan involves breaking overhead panes of glass.
Singer: A Man Who Has a Plan
Genre: Man-Planning Rock
So listen up, good now, the general masses
(Pay attention to what I am about to plan, high-ranking officers in charge of mass armies.)
You ain't gotta note it in your high school classes
(For those high-ranking officers in charge of mass armies who are currently failing earth science, be glad that you do not have to duplicate my plan in writing. Continue learning about biochemical sedimentary rocks. Those rocks are fascinating and will help you later in life.)
'Cause it ain't written down if you know that it's true
(Truthful plans are never put in writing. At most, they appear as staircases on an Etch-A-Sketch.)
There's a lot of famous people with the sound of the new
(Several celebrities believe that my plan can be effective. Of course, the celebrities that I know are better than the ones that you know. For example, Paul London knows my plan. Checkmate.)
Well fame, they say can be a serious under
(Being famous like I am is equivalent to being a dramatic film star in Australia. Catch me in my next period-piece drama entitled, "Wilted Roses from Beckingham Bridge." I am the lone star of the film. The others are simply Australian people.)
So would you put the helmet on the afterburner?
(When asked, would you add cranium protection to the posterior of an F-18 fighter plane? It's going to get chilly and dangerous in the sky. Without a helmet, that F-18 fighter plane could catch a cold or function correctly.)
Story so far is one hell of a mess
(I am aware that the premise of this plan is convoluted, but think about the bunnies we will be saving. Did I tell you that my plan involves bunnies?)
So come and let me lead you through the wilderness
(I will be your Ranger Smith. You can be my Yogi. We can eat from the picnic basket as we watch the geysers.)
I'm a man with a plan
(I am a living and breathing male. I am a male who wants to propose a particular course of action.)
They come from all over saying, "Help me, please!"
(Anthropomorphic bears wearing porkpie hats approach me at my post, requesting my assistance in bear-related matters.)
I can't see the wood from the proverbial trees
(As a park ranger, the beauty of the trees, wavering in the breeze, soothes me. In turn, the fact that the trees are made out of wood does not inspire me at all. I'm weird like that.)
It ain't as simple as a minor compass
(Compared to a backup compass you use when your primary compass is broken, prolonged tree admiration is complex because it involves concentration, discipline, and the ability to distinguish trees from non-trees.)
Show the shadows in the alley getting ready to jump
(Apparently, the wilderness contains an alley. The shadows in this wild alley are lively. I hope you're not on your period, man and or woman and or child.)
The trick is to look with your head, now don't be blinded
(If you thought about looking at the shadows in this wild alley with your knees, you will be surprised. When you want to look at shadows in wild alleys, use body parts from the neck up to prevent permanent blindness.)
The people of the turf don't need to be reminded
(Pieces of steak know what to do when encountering shadows in wild alleys. Lobsters remain in the dark.)
A future guarantee — get outta here
(I can safely say that pieces of steak are smarter than lobsters. If you do not agree with me, take your things and leave. Ezekiel was the first to leave. Who wants to join him?)
I'm a man with a plan
(I am the opposite of a woman. I have the opposite of a woman's plan.)
Rhodes and DiBiase, otherwise known as Priceless, remind me of the great tag teams of yesteryear, such as Hawkins and Ryder. Now that they are Randy's right and left hand men in Legacy, we can only guess where their futures will take them. Perhaps Cody Rhodes will emulate his father by working hard with his hands. Maybe Ted DiBiase will hire Vincent as his man-servant. As one, Rhodes and DiBiase will no doubt succeed in WWE, working man-servants with their hands. May they spend a questionable and shirtless amount of time with one another for years to come.
Singer: The Will Smith of Hard Rockers
Genre: Rock, Drop and Roll
Yeah, I'm priceless
(Before you chime in with your opinion, I am already agreeing with the claim that I have no suggested retail price attached to my person.)
Oh baby, I'm priceless
(Oh infant, I have no suggested retail price attached to my person.)
There ain't no number by the power I possess
(The physical power I have within me cannot be bought in stores. For three easy payments of nothing, you can buy me by phoning the number on your screen. Time Life presents: Priceless.)
Oh no, or try this, call me priceless
(I thought I had made a mistake by calling the wrong number, but the operator tells me that I have phoned the correct number. For the next ten minutes, you can get not one, but two oily wrestlers in their mid-twenties for the price of one. Remember the code word: priceless.)
All you little people, cash didn't buy happiness
(Dear viewers who are less than four-feet, eleven inches tall; the money that you exchanged to purchase feelings of contentment towards your personal affairs was less than worth it. In the end, money can't buy happiness. You have to be born into a family of happiness.)
Yeah, I'm worth more than you could know
(My exact price cannot be calculated by an average human being. Please get some type of advanced chimpanzee to calculate my greatness. That chimpanzee better have glasses.)
'Cause all you know is what you see
(Your level of comprehension is based on material things. Do not treat me like a chair. I am not a chair. A chair has four legs, while I only have two. There's a difference.)
'Cause you're all blind to who I am
(Within the past two seconds, you lost your sense of sight. Now, you really can't do math with your eyes, but imagine the amount of poking you'll end up doing with a stick. You have to find your way around everyday obstacles somehow.)
So all you see is a mystery
(So all you see is Evolution. Where's Hunter, Flair, and Batista, though? Where are the ladies in the Evolution video who are paid to pretend to like them? If they could pretend to like me, that would be great.)
'Cause I'm priceless
(To reiterate what I said earlier, I still have no suggested retail price attached to my person.)
Yeah, I'm priceless
(I'm pretty insecure about my observation, so I will continue to agree with myself. That way, it looks as though this observation is fairly popular and factual.)
Oh, priceless
(Let's discuss the lack of suggested retail prices on beings other than myself. For example, I am priceless.)
A masterpiece that words can not assess
(I am a version of Chris Masters who cannot be understood in English. The people of Swahili know what I'm saying.)
Whoa money, your cash is lifeless
(Hold on, dollar bills and cents. If you are money and you use money to purchase me, you will not succeed. Plus, you shouldn't use your kind like that. Money has been oppressed by the bartering system for far too long. Money should stick together.)
But you keep buying more and more just to impress
(I am going to insert an awkward criticism of modern society here. I do not advocate consumerism, but please buy as much Legacy merchandise as you can. I have to feed my non-existent children.)
Yeah, I'm worth more than you could know
(My exact price cannot be calculated by an advanced chimpanzee either. Please get some sort of genius dolphin that can use sound waves to detect my level of greatness. That dolphin better wear a mortarboard.)
'Cause all you know is what you see
(Your level of comprehension is based on material things. Therefore, what is the cost of one hundred bottles of cocoa butter? Multiply that by two and you might get a general estimate of Priceless' overall cost.)
'Cause you're all blind to who I am
(You regained your sense of sight, but you lost it again in a knife-fight with pirates. You can't see me right now because you are wearing an eyepatch over each eye.)
So all you see is a mystery
(Even though are wearing two eyepatches, you can detect shadows. Like Priceless, you are currently in the shadow of Evolution. During the summertime, use Batista for shade.)
'Cause I'm priceless
(I have no suggested retail price attached to my person. Don't bother trying to buy me with food stamps. Whatever number of food stamps you have, I am not impressed.)
Oh baby, I'm priceless
(Oh, infant in your infantile crib with your infantile understanding of prices. I have no suggested retail price attached to my person.)
Whenever R-Truth raps his way down to the ring, I feel like rapping my way through life. I am no R-Truth, but I think I have the God-given abilities to be S-Lie. As S-Lie, I rap very well. On the other hand, listeners are weary about the majority of the claims in my songs. S-Lie wants you to know that global warming was invented by the government as a means to melt ice cream cones and sandwiches at a faster rate so children would have to buy more ice cream products. Don't believe me? You don't, right? See what I mean. Unlike R-Truth, I am not that convincing.
Singer: Ron "R-Truth" Killings
Genre: Honest Gangster Rap
What's up?
(What exists in the upwards direction?)
Stand up and say, "What's up?
(Stand up to bring yourself closer to the upwards direction, then ask, "What exists in the upwards direction?")
What's up? What's up? What's up? Whoa
(What exists in the upwards direction? What exists in the upwards direction? What exists in the upwards direction? Thesis statement: what exists in the upwards direction is rather alarming.)
People over there, what's up?
(For those of you who are not standing near me, could you please tell me what exists in the upwards direction?)
Feel me, stand up, say, "What's up?"
(Engage physical contact, stand up to bring yourself closer to the upwards direction, then ask "What exists in the upwards direction?")
What's up? [x8]
(What exists in the upwards direction? I'm asking this question eight times because I have not yet received a satisfactory and definitive answer to my question.)
You can get with this, or you can get with that
(You can have sexual relations with this concept, or you can have sexual relations with concepts other than this one. Don’t be picky. You’re not getting any younger.)
You better come get with this, 'cause this is where it's at
(I've changed my mind. I demand that you have sexual relations with the concept I have presented to you. This concept is more sexually attractive than others.)
What's up [x8]
(Once more, could somebody tell me what exists in the upwards direction? I have a thirst for knowledge about these type of things. Your inability to answer my question makes me thirsty.)
I be skippin' and jumpin' and leaving the competition
(My excursion through these grassy fields at the 2009 World Grassy-Field-Walking Championships will be reminiscent of a eight-year-old girl's carefree frolic through a meadow. My particular method will trump my fellow competitors' grassy field walking techniques.)
Makin' 'em disappear like your favourite magician
(When it comes to the 2009 World Grassy Field-Walking Championships, professional magicians are no match for me. My moves are so professional that they will put David Copperfield's face on the side of a milk carton.)
I will ride that [expletive] 'til the wheels fall off
(If David Copperfield moonlights as a vehicle that has occasional relations with his mother, I will use him as my primary form of transportation until he becomes less than 100% operational.)
And I bounce 'em back to back 'til they necks get soft
(If that hypothetical David Copperfieldmobile loses its wheels in a freak car accident, I will use those stray wheels as basketballs. Bouncing one in each hand, I will wow the other magic vehicles with my basketball skills until they suffer short-term neck injuries. If David Blaine doubles as a pick-up truck, watch out.)
Most of the time you see me, I'm trying to keep it simple
(Every ninth Smackdown, you can witness my attempts to unravel two of my forty dreadlocks. Do not ask me to unravel three because Smackdown is no more than two hours long.)
These are the type of people to get popped like a pimple
(I am not willing to use Noxzema and Proactiv on magicians such as David Copperfield and David Blaine, no matter if they can turn into motor vehicles or not. When they want to get rid of unsightly blemishes on their faces, they must use unorthodox and sometimes messy alternatives.)
Statin' my claim to fame
(I will become famous for denying skin treatments to world-renowned magicians.)
To be one of the baddest-ass [expletive] to step foot in the game
(I will become of the most ruthless skin-treatment deniers those world-renowned magicians have ever seen in one play-through of Skin-Treatment Denial: The Board Game.)
And I haven't even started yet
(I haven't played Skin-Treatment Denial: The Board Game before. Do we have all the necessary pieces and cards?)
But you can better believe I'm-a yank it off a sure-shot bet
(It would be preferable if you were in agreement with the notion that I am able to win a round of Skin-Treatment Denial: The Board Game by yanking everyone and everything in sight.)
What's up? [x6] Say, "Whoa!"
(I understand that you have been trying to get an answer about what exists in the upwards direction for a few minutes now. I applaud your resiliency. Also, I continue to find your efforts alarming.)
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