Any way you put it, today's Chris Jericho is not your mother's Chris Jericho. The Y2J you knew and loved during the Attitude Era has turned into an unrecognizable, ruthless, and surly baddie. From this point forward, I shall call him Christopher Jericho, Esq. because he means a whole lot of business right now. He means so much business that sleeps in a three-piece business suit in a bed made out of business cards as he watches businessmen and businesswomen report on business on a television that he uses for business, not pleasure.
I can safely say that Jericho has made himself into a new man. If any of you have bottles and or cans of Jerichohol in your refrigerators and cupboards, do not bother stashing them any longer because the old Chris Jericho is dead. Surely, the Jerichoholic content in a standard container of Jerichohol is fairly high, but if Chris isn't present to enjoy these libations with you, what’s the point of keeping them? If you have shiny button-up shirts and or vests in your closet, throw these articles of clothing away for the days of Jericho trying to look like a flamboyant bartender are long gone. Please pour some Jerichohol on the sidewalk in remembrance of the old Chris Jericho. You were a shiny man among men, Chris. We love you and miss you dearly.
With the death of the old Chris Jericho comes a new beginning. Although we have lost someone, we have gained a talent and eloquent linguist in the form of Mr. Stiff Suit. Jericho may not be as entertaining as he once was, but think about the valuable life lessons that he wishes to teach us. Your parents weren't smart enough to teach big words, but guess who can? Christopher Jericho is that man. If he cannot do it, nobody can unless I make an effort to do so. Just so you know, I don't want to help you that much. For the most part, I have better things to do with my time, but not Jericho. He has to use his suit for something.
Who needs the Sylvan (not Grenier) Learning Centre when you have Chris Jericho? Let him be your teacher. Let yourself become his student. Let me make this teacher-student relationship work. Do not be scared of learning, boys and girls. After all, knowledge is power. Also, knowledge is knowledge, which is pretty surprising.
The new Chris Jericho doesn't like you that much. Take your six-piece suit off this instant. To be honest, you are overcompensating with your suit. You are dressed for two and a half weddings. Let's face it: you're not up to Jerichonian standards. In fact, he believes you are an axiomatic to the highest degree. At least you have your looks.
Pronunciation: ax - e - oh - mah - tick
Type: noun
Meaning: A axe-carrying, asthmatic individual.
Example: If you are in a tree-chopping competition in which you must chop down trees while you run through the forest at full speed, the last person you should have on your team is an axiomatic. I know he's a nice person and all, but nice doesn't win tree-chopping competitions.
On any day of any given week, Chris Jericho is likely to use this word to describe you. He would use more than this word, but he lost his portable word-a-day calendar in a freak Spaghettios Factory accident. The letters were everywhere. There were two many Xs. There were not enough Ys. Don't ask me why a professional wrestler would leave himself open to injury in a freak Spaghettios Factory accident. I don't know their life.
Pronunciation: sick - oh - fant
Type: adjective
Meaning: Of, or relating to, the appearance of a sick elephant.
Example: With a swine flu like that, you better not give me that sycophant disease. I don't want to eat chicken noodles through my nose. I don't want to use my ears for flying. I just want to dance in an interpretive manner.
Like Ken Kennedy during the Signature Pharmacy scandal, Chris Jericho speaks the truth. He does not go back on his word, nor does he contradict the words he previously spoke. When I look in Ken Kennedy's face, do you know what I see? Honestly. The same can be said for one Chris Jericho. If I can trust Ken Kennedy with my nonexistent children, I should be able to trust Jericho as well. Let's just hope one of my children doesn't host a talk show segment with a cardboard backdrop. Those cardboard backdrops end lives.
Pronunciation: hip - oh - crit
Type: verb
Meaning: To criticize someone with hypoglycemia as if that individual was a hippopotamus.
Example: This is our swimming hole, Howard. Why do you always make me hypocrite you? Don't you have a cookie to eat, or a Dixie cup of orange juice to drink, or a white ball to ingest if I press down on the black lever on your back? Shoot.
Chris Jericho is known to many wrestling fans around the world as a master of words. Too bad he's not a master of looking decent in trunks. Am I right, or am I right, single ladies with self-esteem issues? If you have the ability to snap your fingers in a sassy fashion, please do so... now. Bob your head back and forth twice or thrice for added effect. I would show you how to do both actions, but I can't. Due to a prolonged instance of sassiness, I won't be able to do any sassy gestures until the end of the year. My sassy apologies.
Pronunciation: reh - cal - suh - trent
Type: noun
Meaning: A man named Trent who has calcified himself two times over.
Example: You went ahead and turned yourself into a recalcitrant, Trent. I was about to watch RAW with you, but now you have the consistency of chalk. Good job. Congratulations on turning yourself into dust. I bet I could stir part of you in my glass of milk, but for your sake, I won't.
As Chris Jericho begins his rumoured feud with Rey Mysterio, I have a few suggestions for him. First of all, he should avoid draping himself over the middle rope as much as possible. Second of all, he should sew extra pockets on Rey's pants so Rey does not drop the dime or any considerable amount of change on his face. Third of all, have fun. World Wrestling Entertainment is PG, which means you can say any complicated word you want, as long as children don't understand it. As John Cena has taught us, they understand “poop,” though. Boy, do they ever.
Pronunciation: pair - eh - sight
Type: noun
Meaning: Two WWE.com websites placed side by side.
Example: A raving review of 12 Rounds by a WWE employee next to another raving review of 12 Rounds by a WWE employee makes this film a must-see. I'm glad this parasite is giving me movie suggestions, rather than showing me sexy ladies, useful information, or sexy ladies with useful information. That's why they made The View.
Chris Jericho is glowing proof that chairshots and human blows to the head can make you smarter. You just have to hit the right part of the head. Some may call it the "sweet spot," but I have never tried to taste a particular part of the human head. I like good food. I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Don't hate me because I don't like exotic delicacies.
Pronunciation: pet - chu - lent
Type: adjective
Meaning: Having a bad temper in the vicinity of your domesticated pet.
Example: These energy bills are piling up this year. I don't think I can afford gas anymore, what with my car insurance and student loans in the way. I'm so angry. Look away, Catista: the jerkiest cat in Cat Wrestling Entertainment. I don't want you to notice my petulant behaviour.
This word is nothing but a travesty. Chris Jericho is a travesty You are the one who is the travesty. Look at you and your travesty. Who do you think you are, dressed to impress with that travesty? Where did you go to school? Travesty Community Travesty? Did you major in travesty? What a travesty. Put on your travesty. We are going to the travesty to see your travesty. Why, what a nice travesty. You should be proud of your travesty, you success story, you.
Pronunciation: trah - vest - tee
Type: verb
Meaning: To be in the process of travesting.
Example: Shane McMahon wishes to travesty the careers of Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted Dibiase with his tennis shoes, witty baseball jersey, wind pants, greying hair, superhuman strength and endurance, and rhythmic dancing. If I didn't know any better, Shane McMahon likes to travesty the entire WWE with his Shane McMahonness most of the time. Awesome.
This word is one that is adored by the old Jericho, as well as the new Jericho. This word is the bridge that bonds Y2J with Señor Serious Face. When he retires, "sanctimonious" will be the first word to be part of the WWE Hall of Fame. Most likely, "Y2Cheap" will not be put into the WWE Hall of Fame because I predict it will have its own Hall of Fame. You can't get any better than "Y2Cheap" for I have no idea what that insult means. I would ask young Jonathan about it, but he's too busy pretending to be critically hurt, despite the fact that he is able to travel on the road, driving from arena to arena, without much difficulty.
Pronunciation: sank - tim - moan - e - us
Type: verb
Meaning: To be brag about your ability to confuse one Canadian Chris with another.
Example: Jim Ross prefers to sanctimonious me with his early-2000 commentary. Let's hope that other Chris and I do not tag with each other in high-profile RAW matches against Triple H and Steve Austin during that time. He will never get it right.
Now and forever, Rey Mysterio is "The Batman." Although, I'm not sure he flies by night. I am going to guess that Batmen prefer to fly-by-the-early-morning so they do not have to face the traffic during afternoon hours. Chris Jericho may be a wise fellow, by he does not do what Rey Mysterio does. If anything, Chris Jericho is "The Two-Face," except half of his face doesn't look like the Cryptkeeper. That half of his face just looks like the other half of his face. What a rip-off.
Pronunciation: fly - buy - knight
Type: adjective
Meaning: A significant preference to fly during the evening as opposed to the day. Specifically, a significant preference to fly at around 9:37 pm (Mountain Time).
Example: Chris Jericho likes to fly immediately after a Season 2, early-afternoon rerun of One Tree Hill. In conclusion, he is not a fly-by-night person.
World Wrestling Entertainment prides itself on wardrobe created by WWE Divas. Remember that time when Sable had handprints painted to her boobies? That attire was not only cost-effective, but Marc Mero-approved. When it comes to Divas clothing, I don't care for them unless "The Wildman" cares for them. That's just how life is for me. In retrospect, perhaps I am incorrectly living my life at the moment. Oh well.
Pronunciation: cloh - thing - line
Type: noun
Meaning: Stylish wardrobe created by WWE Diva Maria Kanellis, if every piece of clothing ever existed took the form of a sleeveless, sparkly hoodie.
Example: Clothing line? Who gives a damn about your clothing line? Has everyone lost control? Does anyone know what's important around here? Teddy Long is an unprofessional general manager who hires incompetent referees and inept, useless divas. By the way, this sleeveless hoodie does not sparkle enough. Get me the BeDazzler.
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