The final curtain for Shawn Michaels. The coming-out party for the All-American American American American. The debut of the high-definition, Aztec pyramid and the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. However you look at WrestleMania XXVI, you must admit that it was arguably the best WrestleMania of 2010. From the first match to the main event, I was on the edge of my seat. At first, I wondered why my posterior did not want to place itself on the cushioned part of the seat, but then it hit me: WrestleMania XXVI was a thrilling roller coaster ride of a show.
While I was not in attendance at the University of Phoenix Stadium, my spirit was definitely present for this wrestling extravaganza. Even though my spirit had an obstructed view for the entire event, it left that stadium knowing that it had witnessed history. Some people won and some people lost. There were ladders. A bunch of men climbed them. Now, these rare moments are forever etched in the history books.
As I spend the next two weeks looking back at this entertaining event, feel free to reminisce with me. If you watched this show at a friend's house, let's pretend that I am your one of two friends for a while. If you saw WrestleMania XXVI at a restaurant or bar, let's pretend that I am that rowdy drunkard who fought you in the back alley after the event. You deserved that beating. Dolph Ziggler had no chance. And finally, if you watched this show at home, let me be that sketchy home invader who kicks down your door, then immediately runs away for your convenience.
Ladies and gentlemen; welcome to The Swerved's two-part review of WrestleMania XXVI. The Blue Angels have flown over this review, which is strange because this is an internet website and not a football stadium. Either way, I thank them for taking time out of their day to fly over this site. They could have flown over other things, but I'm glad they're here with me.
"America The Beautiful" by American Idol's Fantasia Barrino
Until this performance, I forgot that Fantasia Barrino was the winner of American Idol Season 3. When I first heard that Fantasia Barrino was performing at WrestleMania, I thought the movie Fantasia got married to an Italian man and started up a singing career.
Shots Representing America:
1) Desert mountains with green vegetation. Earth loves Earth Day and irony.
2) A bald eagle not staring at a sunset. March 28, 2010 has been the best of this bald eagle's life. He's not ready to see it end. His custom toupee just came in from Europe, he got engaged, and he recently found two Cheetos stuck together in a bag of Cheetos.
3) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino channelling Macy Gray, who is not a relevant pop culture reference anymore.
4) Golden yellow waves of grain. Amber waves of grain could not make it.
5) Mount Rushmore featuring "Gorgeous" George Washington, Thomas "The Tank Engine" Jefferson, Theodore "Pete Rose" Roosevelt, and Abraham "Abraham Washington" Lincoln.
6) Dark green mountains. Purple mountains’ flight was delayed.
7) Niagara Falls (the Michigan USA part, not the Ontario, Canada part). Niagara Falls,
8) The Iwo Jima Memorial Statue in Washington, DC. Every time I see that statue, it inspires me to get a picture of myself in front of that statue.
9) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings while suggesting to the audience that she is Smackdown's number one announcer.
10) The Statue of Liberty. By now, she must be tired holding up that torch.
11) A bunch of little girls and boys wear star-spangled clothing. One girl has a tambourine, while two boys have an accordion and a drum. They're not playing anything pro-American, though. They’re rocking "Telephone" by Lady Gaga.
12) A member of the military saluting someone off camera. An American flag flaps in the background. Salute the flag for once.
13) Four Blue Angels pilots flying together. They're going to Niagara Falls,
14) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings in a soulful manner. Brian Dunkleman would be proud.
15) Sea.
16) Another bald eagle travels overseas to purchase his own European toupee. Good for you, bald eagle. You're taking initiative.
17) American Idol's Fantasia Barrino sings while suggesting to the audience that she is RAW's number one announcer as well. I don't buy it. She's the number two announcer, but one is stretching it.
Note: WrestleMania XXVI is brought to you by Slim James. Slim James: It's grown up a lot and wants you to take it seriously.
WWE Unified Tag Team Championship Match
The Big Show & The Miz (c) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
We start off entertainment's greatest live event with R-Truth, who I look at as entertainment's greatest guy with the word "truth" in his name. Sorry, H-Truth. R-Truth wants to know "What's up?" The fans say, "What's up?" back to him. In this case, R-Truth really wants to know what is up. The WWE Universe should really give him a definite answer. At this rate, he'll never know. As John Morrison makes his entrance, maybe he knows. No, he doesn't. Slow motion fails to make him anymore informed.
The Big Show and The Miz come out to a WrestleMania pyrotechnic display. The Miz is sporting a leather, medieval coat. Big events like WrestleMania make him colder than regular events. The Big Show doesn't need a leather, medieval coat because he is big, a show, and resides in the modern day.
- In honour of Scott Hall, The Big Show tags in and gives R-Truth the fallaway slam. Scott Hall is in TNA right now, but I don't know what that is anymore. All I know is that Eric Bischoff plays a mean guitar if you don't look at his face and fingers at the same time.
- The Big Show attempts to pay tribute to Vader with a Vader Bomb on R-Truth. As he climbs the corner, Morrison appears on the apron and kicks Show in the head. I knew Show shouldn't have paid tribute to Vader that way. He should've watched those classic Boy Meets World episodes.
- John Morrison goes for Starship Pain on his former partner, but Show pulls Miz out of the ring at the last second. Suddenly, Horatio Caine has joined me for this review. He stares at John Morrison and says, "It looks like John... is the one who has been starstruck." I took Horatio's sunglasses, so he is putting on invisible sunglasses. Yeah.
- The Big Show knocks Morrison out as he bounces off the middle rope for some sort of springboard move. That knockout punch is payback for all the middle ropes that Morrison has abused over the years. The bleeding stops today.
Rating: **
Triple Threat Match
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
Ted DiBiase receives a lukewarm ovation as he makes his way down to the ring. Despite his fancy mocha trunks and white boots, Cody Rhodes receives a lukewarm ovation as he makes his way down to the ring. Randy Orton receives a small, energetic ovation, then a lukewarm ovation. The fans must have lost Orton in that sea of young, tanned guys with crew cuts that is a WWE ring.
Before the bout begins, Jerry Lawler reminds the audience that due to Rhodes and DiBiase's allegiance, this match will be similar to a 2-on-1 handicap match. Like you, Jerry Lawler's comment got me incredibly excited for this match. A 2-on-1 handicap match, Mr. Lawler? Those matches are usually amazing, but I'm not sure. I haven't seen such a match involving these three men yet.
- After DiBiase takes down Orton with a dropkick, Cody and Ted punish Randy with dual Orton Stomps. I am in favour of students using what they learned from their teachers against them. The next time I visit my old high school, I am going to walk into that gymnasium and show my former gym teachers how to square dance.
- Following a double-team suplex, Ted DiBiase raises his arms and screams, "Candy Yoda." I prefer regular Yoda, but perhaps the candy version of Yoda is just as wise.
- A short burst of offense by Randy Orton is countered with a High and Low, except Cody Rhodes didn't connect with the chop block. Obviously, Rhodes is not taking Candy Yoda's advice to heart.
- While Rhodes scales to the top rope for what looks to be a moonsault, DiBiase goes for the pin. Appalled by Ted's sneaky pin attempt, Cody throws him to the outside and takes Randy down with Hardcore Holly's Alabama Slam. Hardcore Holly is happy, yet mostly disgruntled.
- Once Rhodes goes for the pin on Orton, Ted breaks that up and punches Cody in the face. In the background, Randy regains his composure as Ted and Cody engage in the male version of a catfight. I think they call the male version of a cat fight a "CATfight," which is defined as two Caterpillar bulldozers going at each other.
- A rejuvenated Orton fights back with powerslams for both men. Randy sets Cody up for the RKO, then Ted drags Randy out of the ring. As Ted and Randy brawl at ringside, Cody slingshots himself to the floor, but Randy slides under the bottom rope to avoid the move. Ted was nice enough to catch Cody, though. I think there's something going on there.
- Ted and Cody try to re-enter the ring, but Randy grabs them and executes a double hanging DDT as their feet dangle off the middle rope. With Rhodes down, Orton shoves DiBiase to the outside and punts Cody.
-DiBiase appears behind Orton and sets him up for his finisher, which Michael Cole calls "Dream Streets." Orton counters Dream Streets and RKOs DiBiase for the pin. Well, DiBiase shouldn't have tried to execute multiple Cobra clutches simultaneously. One would have been enough, but it's too late now.
- Randy Orton celebrates his victory by doing his famous Orton Pose in front of the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder has deemed this match to be average to slightly above average. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder is pleased. The WrestleMania celebration cylinder craves young women of child-bearing age for dinner.
Rating: **1/2
Vickie Guerrero Speaks
Josh Mathews is backstage to tell us that history will be made at WrestleMania XXVI. Tonight, one of the most charismatic and influential superstars of the modern era will put it all on the line in an epic confrontation that will forever live in WrestleMania history. Of course, he is referring to Vickie Guerrero. You might find Mathews' introduction humorous in its irony, but I thought he was referring to Vickie Guerrero all along. On second thought, it was either Vickie Guerrero or Fantasia Barrino, but I figured the latter wasn't wrestling at WrestleMania.
In her snazzy "Excuse Me" warm-up outfit — complete with white and blue flames in legitimate honour of her late husband — Vickie appears with Alicia Fox, Maryse, Michelle McCool and Layla by her side. Vickie takes the microphone from Josh and demands the jeering audience to excuse her. She insists that she will create a moment that will forever live on in history, which must mean that she is fighting Fantasia Barrino after all.
Next, Vickie invites Jillian Hall to sing, "Simply The Best." Jillian’s performance is simply the best for Maryse's confused reaction. Entering from stage left, Santino shows up and eats a Slim James. He claims that anything is possible when you bite into a Slim James, such as Jillian Hall turning into Mae Young, Gene Okerlund, and Melina. If that's what happens when you bite into a Slim James, I will pass. I will make my own beef jerky in my bathtub, like all sophisticated people do.
Money in the Bank 6
Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Kane vs. Christian
The object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase. The second object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to inadvertently screw half of your and your opponents' moves up on your way to climbing the ladder and retrieving the briefcase. The third object of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is to have fun.
Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) Kofi Kingston makes his entrance wearing new purple, white, and yellow warm-up pants. Also, he has tied his hair up in the style of a West Ghanaian mohawk. When he does his routine thunderclap, only his first clap gets pyro. That's what he gets for betraying Jamaica.
2) Montel Vontavious Porter poses with no pyrotechnic display. In lieu of pyro, MVP was supposed to walk between two rows of Sherri Shepherd clones, but those clones wanted to show off their rifle-twirling skills.
3) Evan Bourne walks down to the ring, giving peace a chance. In addition, he shows his excitement toward his first WrestleMania appearance by telling one random audience member about it. I don't know who that audience member was, but I bet he knows how excited Evan Bourne is to be at WrestleMania with accuracy.
4) Jack Swagger arrives wearing a Team Angle-like get-up. In addition to his red, white, and blue tights, he has a sparkly hooded robe. This new attire suggests that he is so pro-American on the outside that he must be anti-American on the inside. He is a fan of Belarus.
5) Ain't no stopping Shelton Benjamin from not winning this match.
6) Matt Hardy has ditched his pirate coat and key tights for cargo pants. This change is the key that opens the lock to not winning this match.
7) Dolph Ziggler cannot contain his excitement, but I bet Nicky from the Spirit Squad can. What happened to you, Dolph Ziggler? You used to be cool.
8) WWE Intercontinental Champion and "Chosen One" Drew McIntyre is one WrestleMania moment away from living up to the myth and legend of "Double J" Jeff Jarrett. All Drew needs is to beat up a lady who does want not him to treat her like a lady, nor a man.
9) Oh, thank heavens. Thank goodness. Kane is wearing new tights. The war is over, people. I can see the light again. The light is bright, Lord. Let me bask in it. Kane was wearing the same pair of tights for over seven years. Big Red Machines are monsters, but even monsters go to Sears once in a while for new duds.
10) Christian makes his WrestleMania return by pointing and looking at the audience, but the camera angle makes it seem as though Christian is pointing and looking at the ladders. Those ladder got in for free, man. Don't entertain them.
- In a fight to reach the briefcase, Evan Bourne is the first wrestler to touch it. Amidst a group of about six wrestlers, Kane pulls Bourne off the ladder and chokeslams him onto Shelton and MVP at ringside. Kane's new tights are working for him. Seven years from now, he will get himself another new pair of tights and dominate.
- Back in the ring, Christian whips Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger into a corner. After throwing a ladder into both men, Christian monkey flips Kofi onto the ladder, hurting the muscle that helps Kingston infuriate Randy Orton.
- All by his lonesome, Christian climbs up the ladder, but gets caught by Dolph Ziggler. Dolph takes him down with the Zig Zag. Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, and Mikey would be cheering for you, but they haven't done that gimmick in a while.
- Shelton Benjamin and MVP subdue Kane, pinning him against the corner with the end of the ladder. From the opposite side of the ring, Kofi runs up the ladder and trips during his corner mount attempt. While Kofi manages to hit Kane with a few punches, Kane counters with a powerbomb onto the ladder, hurting Kofi's mohawk. Kofi landed on his neck as well, but let us pray. I hope his mohawk is alright.
- In the middle of the ring, Bourne sets Swagger up underneath the ladder. Christian and Matt Hardy thread their own ladders through the rungs and sandwich Swagger in between. As Christian and Matt climb the standing ladder, Evan joins them by climbing up the side. Swagger takes out Matt by shoving one teetering ladder out of the ring. On the other side, Evan escapes a Killswitch attempt and leaps off the last teetering ladder with the Shooting Star Press. I was impressed at this Shooting Star Press until I realized that the ladder was teetering at the same height as the top rope. A Shooting Star Press from the top of the ladder would be more impressive. Also, it would most likely kill him.
- Kane climbs up the ladder, but Dolph Ziggler intervenes and climbs over him. For his troubles, Kane tips the ladder over and chokeslams Dolph onto a smaller ladder. Slamming the ladder onto Ziggler, Kane eventually breaks it off its hinges. Kane’s new threads have given him fabulous strength.
- I sound a clever ladder usage alert. Kofi Kingston props both sides of the broken ladder in the corner, uses the sides as stilts, and walks to the center of the ring. Rung by rung, he is almost able to climb to the top of the ladder, but Drew McIntyre stops him. I sound a boring ladder usage alert as Drew simply tilts one ladder side forward, sending Kofi gut first onto the top rope.
- Christian and Matt Hardy trade punches atop a larger ladder. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Christian reverses that into an inverted DDT. Michael Cole calls it the Twist of Fate anyway because he is secretly Jim Ross. Actually, if he is truly Jim Ross, he would have called it the Impaler.
- With two ladders side by side, Christian climbs one, but Jack Swagger knocks it over. Christian climbs the second ladder and gets his hands on the briefcase, but Swagger swings the briefcase into his face. Sixteen seconds later, also known as several eternities, Jack Swagger unhooks the briefcase and wins the sixth edition of Money in the Bank. The reign of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match Hook is over. Although, this intense battle could plant the seeds for the next mega feud.
Rating: ***
Hall of Fame: Class of 2010 Roll Call
Your Hall of Fame Class of 2010 is as follows: Stu Hart (represented by the Hart family, including Bruce Hart in jeans; Wendi Richter; "Mad Dog" Vachon (w/ future Hall of Famer Brie or Nikki Bella); Antonio Inoki and Antonio Inoki's Scarf; Bob Uecker; Gorgeous George (represented by his former wife Betty Wagner, who is accompanied by future Hall of Famer Brie or Nikki Bella; "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase.
The fact that Howard Finkel gets to announce this segment each year is great. He may not be as youthful as Justin Roberts, or as feminine and Asian as Savannah, but he's "The Fink." By the way, Diana Hart doesn't look that bad for her age. I'm sure David Hart Smith is glad to know that his mother is still sort of attractive for an older woman. You're very welcome, David Hart Smith. Hey, can I borrow your tiny vest, David Hart Smith?
Triple H vs. Sheamus
After watching the hype video for this match, I realize that Sheamus and I have a lot in common. As a young fella growing up in Canada, I was always fascinated with WWE, too. Back then, it was called the WWF. My future self went back in time to inform my younger self that it would become WWE. My younger self found that name change quite fascinating. Unfortunately, my future self did not give my younger self his 2010 Sports Almanac. For that, I think my younger self wants to face my future/present self at WrestleMania.
This WrestleMania, Sheamus is white. In turn, Triple H's skin colour implies that he is a walking, Mahogany coffee table. Apparently, walking, Mahogany coffee tables get the WrestleMania celebration cylinder treatment right from the start. Randy Orton had to win his match in order to lower the WrestleMania celebration cylinder. What gives? On top of that, fireworks shot out of the WrestleMania wigwam, which Randy never got after winning his match. What gives again?
- Triple H follows a chop block with a Figure Four Leg Lock in the center of the ring. With this sequence alone, he has managed to honour Ric Flair and insult Cody Rhodes, who showed that he was incapable of connecting with a chop block earlier in the night.
- Sheamus takes over the match with a couple of uranage backbreakers and a double axe handle to Triple H's temple. His first few pin attempts do not get the three count, but I can't look away. With Sheamus on top of Hunter like that, they resemble the Polish flag. Think about it and get back to me.
- Triple H's comeback consists of a high knee and a facebuster, which was a move that was suggested by someone in the audience. If Triple H needs an audience member's help to beat Sheamus, he's not going to win. As a quick side note, Hunter's pin attempts on Sheamus resemble the Polish flag, but held upside down.
- Sheamus escapes a corner mount and attempts a Razor's Edge and a pump kick. Triple H counters both moves and hooks his opponent in for the Pedigree. Sheamus counters Hunter with a back body drop and finally hits his pump kick for a two-and-a-half count. Out loud, Matt Striker wonders what this sequence says about the will of Triple H and the heart of Sheamus. I believe this sequence says nice and friendly things about them.
- Hunter wanders over to Sheamus, who stands up on the apron and hits him with another pump kick. I think this sequence says that Sheamus has a diverse arsenal of moves. Maybe he needs to use Stephanie McMahon's Slap.
- As Sheamus brings his groggy opponent to his feet, Triple H reveals that he has been playing possum. Where I come from, playing possum involves being a marsupial and carrying your young in your pouch. In wrestling, the saying simply means that one wrestler has tricked another. At WrestleMania XXVI, Triple H tricked Sheamus and gave him the Pedigree for the win. When he's at home, Hunter probably carries Aurora Rose and Murphy Claire in his pouch sometimes. Then again, I'm not familiar with him personally.
Rating: **1/2
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Every WWE announcer was sickened by CM Punk's rendition of "Happy Birthday" for Aaliyah Mysterio on a recent episode of Friday Night Smackdown. From my point of view, I think that's just how CM Punk sings "Happy Birthday." One time, I asked CM Punk to sing me "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia for my birthday. He ended up singing it the same way. Rey Mysterio should be glad, not mad. Whether it is sung well or poorly, "Happy Birthday" means ice cream cake for all.
CM Punk celebrates his first singles match at WrestleMania by sporting snazzy, G.I. Joe-inspired trunks. If knowing is half the battle, I think the other half is getting a bald lady and Festus on your side. Punk has all those bases covered. As Punk walks down the aisle, he claims that he can save Rey Mysterio and lead everyone to a better place. The camera shows us that some Mexican guy in the audience doesn't agree. I disagree with that Mexican guy. He doesn't have G.I. Joe-inspired trunks.
Rey Mysterio takes a long time to make his appearance. When he finally shows up looking like a Na'vi, I finally understand. In order to come out looking like someone from Avatar, Rey needed to get in one of those Avatar chambers first. If I were him, I would have walked out looking like Sigourney Weaver or something to save time.
- At ringside, CM Punk reverses Rey Mysterio's wheelbarrow bulldog by slamming his opponent's face into the steel steps. Honestly, I never liked Rey Mysterio's wheelbarrow bulldog. The move is disrespectful to bulldogs who require wheelbarrows to move around and lead normal lives.
- Punk manages to counter a springboard cross body into a powerslam. Next, Punk counters another attack with a loud kick to the side of the face. This is what happens when Rey Mysterio supports James Cameron over Kathryn Bigelow.
- In a moment reminiscent of his 1997 Halloween Havoc match against Eddie Guerrero, Rey brings back an old move. He clasps hands with Punk, leaps to the top rope, performs a moonsault, and hits him with a DDT. That cheesy, yet creepy Halloween Havoc pumpkin has tears in its eyes right now, remembering better times. Also, it is vomiting up its own pulp for hilarious effect.
- As a tribute to Eddie, Rey Mysterio tries for the Frog Splash. As a tribute to logic, CM Punk sits up and gets out of the way. He capitalizes on Rey's mistake by connecting with a high knee in the corner, only for Rey to come back with an arm drag that leaves Punk hanging on the middle rope. Rey calls for the 6-1-9, but Serena protects him. On the other side of the ring, Luke Gallows yells in Rey's face. Settle down, Festus. Biscuits and gravy is straight-edge. Don't worry.
- Punk looks to ambush Rey from behind, but spears Luke Gallows off the apron instead. Off the ropes, Mysterio hits the 6-1-9 and a top rope splash for the pinfall. Dropping the Dime was a top rope legdrop, so I deem this move "Picking Up the Halfpenny." It's about time that Rey Mysterio started caring about his change. Good for him.
Rating: ***
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