Monday, January 21, 2008

My Raw Roulette


When World Wrestling Entertainment spins the wheel, I try to deal with the boredom of it all. The thrill of gambling does not serve as an intriguing complement for professional wrestling because losing your life savings to a colour over a darker colour is dramatic, but two guys engaging in a violent, predetermined ballet is more or less predictable. For me, an independent woman raising three orphans in the projects all by my lonesome, I watch wrestling on television to suspend my belief and take a breather from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. If Vince McMahon wants to entertain me with a fixed roulette wheel that doesn't even use a ball, he better come up with better matches than Lingerie Pillow Fight and Eat A Sandwich, Then Swim in a Pool When You Are Not Supposed To.

For the morose wrestling fans out there who are currently weeping into their bowls of breakfast cereals because WWE and TNA stifled their spirit to buy milk , The Swerved is here to save the day and night once again. This blog has to do everything. Yesterday, the Swerved had to do the world's laundry. From now on, do your own laundry. This blog is not touching your nasty under and overgarments.

Since the beginning of time (1999), the Swerved has kept a notebook full of gimmick match ideas. For the first time ever, I am going to open up this notebook, rifle through the pages of this notebook, then burn the remains of this notebook. A sexy power such as those that emanate from this notebook is too dangerous to be left out in the open. Once you, the reader, feast your hungry eyes on these tremendous ideas, keep your mouth shut or I will hunt you down and utter some very stern yet very fair criticisms in your direction.


Bed Strange Fellows

Two wrestlers hit on various odd males inside the confines of the wrestling ring. Perhaps one wrestler tries to bed a desheveled hobo who wears a crown made out of newspaper. Maybe the other wrestler sweet-talks a half-man, half-penguin type creature all the way to the mattress. The winner of the Bed Strange Fellows Match will be the competitor who is able to successfully make love to their strange fellow without too much of a fuss. I'm not saying this match is money, but this match is more than likely money. If anything, this match is one gigantic IOU for zillions of dollars.


Last Ham Standing

Each competitor is provided with a large pot-bellied pig. As a tie-in with NBC's revival of the reality game show American Gladiators, the wrestlers bring their pigs into the ring and prop them onto two circular platforms. The pot-bellied pigs are equipped with large jousting sticks that resemble oversized cotton swabs. As the bell rings, each wrestler attempts to coach their pig towards victory. A win is secured when one pigs knocks the entire girth of the other off the platform. As a reward, the winning wrestler gains a future shot at a world championship. At the same time, the pig gets to befriend a spider for the sake of children's literature.


Falling for the Count Anywhere

The Count from Sesame Street tempts each wrestler with a love song on an ominous church organ. The victor of the match will be the grappler who resists the temptation of the Count's swooning techniques the longest. The Count will count from one to the number one-thousand while playing the Top 40 radio hit "Apologize" by OneRepublic, in the background, on his organ. The temptation will not phase such tough competitors as World Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes who are more fans of Bert and Ernie than any other character. On the other hand, Triple H will have to cool himself down with a elegant fan in the fashion of a Southern Belle from Lousiana. Stephanie McMahon does not approve of her husband falling for such a muppet, but she understands that the Count's charm is irresistable for those who are kings of other kings. In the case of Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Count von Count is his world, and we are all just counting in it.


Avenue Fight

While other companies feature wrestlers bashing each other's brains in and out on the street, the talent of World Wrestling Entertainment will take a sharp left turn and battle in the vacant avenues of North America. The only weapon in this battle will be words. Way back when, Scott Steiner and Christopher Nowinski engaged in one of the most fantastic debates in the history of professional wrestling. Let the roulette wheel bring back this long forgotten pastime.

In an Avenue Fight, the number of trash cans is zero because the green-living citizens who reside in the area recycle their apple cores and motor oil to make environmentally friendly cider. Furthermore, the avenue will not have steel chairs. On the streets, steel chairs are aplenty, but this is an avenue, friend. Citizens of avenues do not believe in portable furniture-related mayhem; they believe in global warming instead. Lastly, cookie sheets are non-existent on the avenue. When was the last time you saw an environmentalist bake cookies? In my entire life, mine eyes have not had such a privilege. Even though I have never been to San Francisco, I am almost positive that environmentalists choose not to bake cookies in the city. How are they supposed to bake cookies anyway? San Francisco is full of crazy hills and steep landscapes. They're not going to bake cookies on a slant.


Lingerie Pillows Fight

To appease the randy wrestling fanbase of handsome and well-adjusted male teenagers, I will continue the trend of televised tussles in lingerie. This time, the Swerved is going to change things up a tad by adorning the pillows in the match in lingerie, while the women will dress in bedsheets.

The first female grappler to make a pillow submit will be the winner. I do not know how to make a pillow submit, but I must admit that the opposite sex is much more persuasive than me. The Lingerie Pillows Fight will clock in at just under a minute due to the fact that pillows decked in lingerie is too racy of a visual for live television. Future installments of Raw Roulette will be rated TV-MA. If wrestling fans are willing to pay $39.99 at midnight, they will be able to see these saucy pillows in all of their pillowy glory. WWE can legally show everyone two pillow corners, but for the entire package, you are going to have to cough up some mad cheddar-like doubloonage.


Nicolas Cage

For this bout, Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage will be slowly lowered over the wrestling ring. The opposing competitors or tag teams will wrestle each other for ten minutes. If victory is not secured in that amount of time, Nicolas Cage is lowered further over the ring. Opponents will continue to fight for another ten minutes. If a winner is not determined by that time, Nicolas Cage is lowered to the canvas. At this point of the match, opponents must try to defeat each other using Nicolas Cage as a weapon. Cage is known for spastic movements and quirky delivery. The wrestler or team who finds out how to use Cage's talents to their advantage will secure the W.

If the match exceeds the thirty-minute mark, wrestlers must adopt Nicolas Cage's wonderful Italian accent from Captain Corelli's Mandolin and talk like that for the remainder of the match. The viewer who can tolerate this unfortunate turn of events may be the true winner of this battle. Best of luck to all participants.


Give Diplomatic Immunity to a Midget

The following match on the roulette wheel is dedicated to the little people out there in professional wrestling land who can't catch a break. For several years, for some purpose unbeknownst to me, WWE has tried to encourage their wrestlers to capture midgets for the company's own amusement. Listen up, officials of McMahonville. Midgets are people just like you. Even though they are not the size of regular folk, they are grown-ups too. They have to go work; they have to eat food; they wear shoes. Small individuals completing averaged-sized tasks is not amusing, nor is it laugh-out loud funny. I say pish-tosh and good day to you, Vince McMahon and Company. I declare diplomatic immunity for midgets everywhere. Hip, hip, hooray.

In this bout, two wrestlers will fight for the rights of little people. The little person will be trapped inside of a safe perched up in one corner of the ring. The first wrestler to open the safe and give the midget true freedom will be the winner and undisputed philanthropist of the century. In the end, the little person will not be subject to professional wrestling-related taxes. Goodbye, suplex tax.


Singapore Can

The Singapore Can Match is a battle unlike any other match that uses tin cans from the country of Singapore. In order to win this bout, one wrestler must scale a ladder and snatch the Singapore Can that dangles over the ring. If the wrestler successfully obtains the can, he or she may use it as a weapon on the opponent. Additionally, the wrestler may also use the can as a six-year-old child's primitive phone to call an ally for assistance in the match. If the opponent takes the can from the wrestler who first obtained it, he or she may also use the can as a weapon and or phone too. If the opponent wishes to call someone, he or she will need to hang up the phone first.

The opponent's struggle to hang up a tin can phone will entertain the masses for thousands of lifetimes.

This WWEek in Gimmick Matches of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the gimmick match, a staple in the modern wrestling scene that should be reserved to settle feuds but ends up being used to spark short-term television ratings, is a fan of Hannah Montana?

A: Who isn't? She's got the best of both worlds, man.

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