As some of the readers of The Swerved may already know, a good friend of the blog has decided to call it a day. Jimbo, the creator of Slackers Against Communism and former writer of The Armpit, is off to new endeavours in life, leaving the glamourous world of internet wrestling analysis for pastures that are surely greener than green.
I didn't know much about Jimbo when I first came aboard to write The Armpit about a year and a half ago. I had always enjoyed reading his articles from the first day I stumbled upon the site, but for some reason, I did not interact with him through e-mail until much, much, much later. When we finally did talk, it was no surprise to me that while we came from different worlds, we had many things in common.
Most of all, we shared a similar sense of humour. For a lot of my life on this here planet, I found it very difficult to connect with people who could or did not understand my personality. For every individual I could relate to, there was at least a million other people I shared nothing in common with except the air that we breathed. I never blamed those people for their lack of understanding, but I thought it was weird that not everyone believed dressing a potato up with a fake handlebar mustache and a cheesecloth to resemble the Iron Sheik was funny. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was for me to find another human being in Internetville whose mindset was equally absurd and ridiculous. While it is very unfortunate that Jimbo is hanging up his pen/keyboard, Mama says, "It just be's that way... sometimes."
Now, I'm the only one left from The Armpit Clan. It's bad news for most and good news for about three people, but nevertheless, I will do my best to bring you the same great Swervian masterpieces you have come to know, like, fondle, love, and leave. I cannot fill the void left by The Wrestling Professor and Jimbo, but with your help, I hope to bring The Swerved to newer, greater, and funnier heights. Writing has given me the appropriate outlet to put my true, crazy self out there. For many years, it has been my salvation from a world of hardships and heartbreak. Until I write the next great book, movie, and or television show, I will continue to spend my time entertaining you, the reader, for as long as you'll have me.
Here's to Jimbo. Good luck with everything and I hope you find what you're looking for.
-Stephen
The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]
6) The Money in the Bank briefcase is one the most coveted briefcases I have ever laid my eyes upon in professional wrestling history. Of course, the briefcase contains a contract that will grant the winner of the ladder match a world title shot for events up to and including Wrestlemania 24. Pretend the briefcase contains something which you cherish quite greatly. Now, what is the item and why do seven other guys also wish to attain it?
J: The only thing I really cherish, I guess, would be this big box of old letters and notes and ticket stubs and other sentimental stuff. I'm not really sure why seven other guys would be willing to risk paralysis for it, unless they were somehow able to time travel and cash in my Arena Football tickets from 2002 when they were still redeemable.
S: Arena Football is cool because it's like regular football, but for athletes that prefer to be confined in a boxed-in rectangle sponsored by Vagisil and Papa Murphy's Pizza. When a quarterback makes a successful pass, the receiver will run, but his path will be limited. He may think, "Hey, cool. I can run anywhere I want to," but will be greatly mistaken. When he reaches the sidelines, he'll say, "Ow. That's a wall." Better than the NFL, I tells you.
7) On April 1, Batista could very well end Undertaker's 14-0 Wrestlemania winning streak. In turn, Undertaker could very well make his Royal Rumble 2007 victory count by defeating Batista and capturing his first big gold belt (World Heavyweight Championship). The atmosphere will be as electric as electricity. In total, how many Chokeslams, Tombstones, Spinebusters, and Batista Bombs will be seen in this bout?
J: I think the more important question is "Yeah, but will there be any exploding caskets?"
S: If wrestling has taught me anything in life (which it certainly has), it's that the quality of caskets increases based on their capability to explode. While I do not believe the Undertaker nor the Underbatista will employ an exploding casket in the match, one may be seen after the bout. I suspect that once the Undertaker captures the World Heavyweight Championship, his celebration will consist of chokeslamming Batista into the casket, closing the casket lid on Batista, then exploding the casket holding Batista inside. Taker will then drop to one knee and say, "Rest in pieces." At the same time, he'll be holding Batista's limbs in one hand and a box of Reese's Pieces in the other. Vince McMahon is right -- Wrestlemania is the punniest stage of them all.
8) If you could book a Wrestlemania match with current members of any of the three WWE rosters, who would be involved and why?
J: I'd like to see Shelton Benjamin and Triple H go forty plus for the World title at WrestleMania 24.
S: While I feel that would be a great match, I can't imagine that happening now due his Shelton Benjamin's drastic fall into nothingness. He used to be the on the cusp of the main event scene, but was was gradually relegated to Incontinental Champion of all Eternity Over Carlito. Now, he occupies a spot as a Heat regular with his sidekick Hobo Higgins. It's sad that The World's Greatest Tag Team is not so great after all since Benjamin and Haas can't even win the World Tag Team Titles. They should change their name to The World's Pretty Good, Sort of Alright Tag Team because if they don't, that's false advertising.
My dream Wrestlemania match was Shawn Michaels versus Eddie Guerrero, but due to circumstances out of everyone's control, that wish will never be granted. Other than that, there's not really anything I would clamour to see, except Chris Benoit versus The Undertaker or Johnny Nitro versus Rob Van Dam since they would be fresh feuds and matches. It amazes me that WWE has an enormous roster of talent, yet they end up doing the same matches over and over again.
9) The grandeur of Wrestlemania is what interests the majority of casual fans. In the vain of Shawn Michaels making his Wrestlemania XII entrance via zipline, what grandoise visual do you expect or wish to see at the event?
J: Well, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that this year. I really hope they don't go all out ridiculous with the entrances like last year. Rey Mysterio as an Indian? That doesn't make sense on like, a whole lot of levels.
S: Sorry if I come off rude, but you're wrong. You are double wrong with wrongful sprinkles topped with a red cherry of wrongness inside a collectible ice cream dish of wronginity. Rey Mysterio did not have an Indian headress on, but was wearing an Aztecan headdress and decorative poncho. Aztecs were inhabitants of Central Mexico, whose civilization thrived in the 16th century. Furthermore, the band P.O.D., who performed Mysterio's theme song at Wrestlemina, were Aztecan leaders sent from the past to the distribute the message of Booyaka in the modern day. Booyaka all over your face.
10) Finally, the WWE Hall of Fame 2007 Inductee List if off to a great start. So far, "The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig", and Jerry "The King" Lawler have been great picks. Let's say you have a choice to induct three members from any organization to this prestigious, nonphysical entity that is WWE's Hall of Fame. Who are they? (For example, my first pick would be WCW's Alex Wright, just so I could witness him accept his award by doing that dance of his the entire duration he is at the podium.)
J: First and foremost, Paul Heyman, for giving us the most "extreme" gift of all. From there on out, I'd just pick random luchadores from WCW circa 1996. I'd pay good money to see Silver King induct Super Calo, wouldn't you?
S: I would accept Super Calo into the WWE Hall of Fame, if only Duper Salo inducted him. If you aren't familiar with Duper Salo, he's a luchadore whose mask consists of a hat sewn onto his head, similar to Super Calo who has sunglasses sewn right into his mask. That's dang genius right there.
It's funny that you mention Super Calo because I met him once. It was an amazing experience. Here's how it went:
Date: September 1997
Location: The Nitro Grill
Stephen: Hey, Super Calo. Are those your sunglasses on that counter over there?
Super Calo: Nope. They are always here on my mask. They never leave my mask.
Stephen: That's super, Calo. Maybe I should sew contact lenses onto my eyes.
Super Calo: Okay, you do that...
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