Monday, December 14, 2009

Year 2009


Once a year, World Wrestling Entertainment hands out Slammy Awards to the talented men and women who enrich our lives and beings with a sporty form of entertainment. At the same time, The Swerved hands out more prestigious awards to these same men and women. While the site does not have the resources to broadcast a three-hour award show on the USA Network, at least our awards do not feature a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk while he is in mid-air. In place of this visual, the Swerved Award consists of a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk while they are both on their feet. This is 2009, people. We're talking about safe style, or no style. We can't condone junk-grabbing at high altitudes. We won’t even picture a golden man grabbing another golden man's junk in Denver, Colorado. We won't be having that.

The Swerved statuette is made from a combination of tin, copper, and old Bobby Lashley merchandise. After each one is placed into the mould, they are left to cool on various award-winning window sills. Once they are solid, local exotic dancers sand and polish these exquisite pieces by sensually sliding up, down, and around them. When those dancers are paid for working it, professional wrestling analysts who are not me check the statuettes for flaws. Giving these statuettes a poor rating for minute imperfections, the previous steps are repeated nine more times. They are finally approved when those same professional wrestling analysts — who are not me — stop caring and down their sorrows with KFC Chicken Bowls and a late night viewing of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

Next, the statuettes are coated in silver, 24-karat gold, and Rob Van Dam's weird butt sweat. Once a solid metal base is added to the bottom of the statuette, they are ready for shipment. Approximately, each statuette is 30cm tall and weighs 200 pounds. If a statuette somehow goes missing during the shipping process, a really, really short, fat guy will act as the substitute award. In other words, whoever ships these statuettes must not lose them. I don't know anyone at that height and weight.

Without further delay, let's take it to the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California for the awards ceremony. I will serve as your host. Meanwhile, The Bella Twins are here, too. At this point, they are doing a fantastic job because they are not doing anything of note. At The Swerved Awards, everyone goes home a winner, except for the ones who do not receive an award. They are losers and must find a way to make their own award to feel better about themselves.


Superstar of the Year

Nominees: John Cena, Triple H, Chris Jericho, Vickie Guerrero, John Cena dressed as The Swedish Chef

Winner: Vickie Guerrero


In order to be The Swerved's Superstar of the Year, you need the following traits: tons of charisma, a magnetic personality, in-ring skill, tenacity, the passion to succeed, and lengthy love sessions with Eric Escobar. Since none of the other nominees possess every trait, I am proud to give this award to the only individual who meets these requirements: Vickie Guerrero. With last year's winner (Mike Adamle) out of the running, Vickie’s victory was nothing but an inevitability. Even her considerable absence from WWE television could not stop her from winning; she is that good. John Cena may have the love of young boys and girls, but has he ever had a lengthy love session Eric Escobar? I don't think so. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who has the pelvis for it. On the other hand, Vickie does.

Perhaps the Superstar of the Year Award is just the beginning for her. If WWE does not feature her in The Marine 3 or Behind Enemy Lines: Venezuela, they will have failed us.


Breakout Star of the Year

Nominees: Drew McIntyre, Evan Bourne, Sheamus, The Miz, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong

Winner: Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong


As of 2009, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong pinned The Armstrong Curse for the 1-2-3. Step aside, Charles Robinson and those other striped-shirt guys who don't have names. I bet you fellows don't have names because Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong just kicked some ass and took them. Although the other nominees are on the cusp of wrestling superstardom, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong has already basked in the WWE spotlight. His Halloween match against CM Punk was his lone wrestling appearance, yet he made it count. In fact, he always makes it count. Whenever he's not wrestling — which is an often occurrence at worst — counting is his job. He is Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong, and you've got 'till 5 until he rings your bell.

My olfactory system shut down a long time ago after a freak cinnamon fire, but I smell a future World Heavyweight Championship reign for a certain Smackdown referee. I smell either that or cinnamon on fire. Nevertheless, Scott "Smackdown Referee" Armstrong is breaking out like acne on a greasy teenager's face.


Tag Team of the Year

Nominees: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft (The Dudebusters), Chris Jericho & The Big Show, D-Generation X, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (Priceless/Legacy), The Hart Dynasty

Winner: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft (The Dudebusters)


When there's something strange in your neighbourhood. Who are you gonna call? Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. I ain't afraid of no Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. Actually, I am pretty happy for them because they just won the Tag Team of the Year Award. Chris Jericho and The Big Show may have been the most dominant tag team of the year, but Barreta and Croft's fists explode when they bump them.

Obviously, playing Guitar Hero before their matches has paid off for this dude-busting duo. You see, Guitar Hero and wrestling matches are not that different. In a wrestling match, you wage war with an opponent, using your body and immediate surroundings as weapons in hopes of coming out of the bout victorious. In Guitar Hero, red, blue, green, yellow, and orange things scroll down the screen really fast. Press the buttons on the plastic guitar, or you will not get a good score. Barreta and Croft know the deal. Ever since their debut, ECW symphonies have stopped being bittersweet. If anything, they have become semi-sweeter.


Diva of the Year

Nominees: Mickie James, Melina, Michelle McCool, Maryse, Vance Archer

Winner: Maryse


While a knee injury put Maryse on the shelf for a considerable part of 2009, that did not stop her from telling her knee injury to talk to the hand in a charismatic fashion. With her return to RAW, she has reverted to her old, charismatic ways of telling several people, places, things, and concepts to talk to the hand. As for me, she better not tell me to talk to the hand because I'm about to place some hardware in it. Congratulations, Maryse Ouellet.

In addition to your outward-facing hands, your ability to take off a Goobledy Gooker costume in a single segment has catapulted you to the top of the WWE Diva heap. I guffaw at your competition. Please guffaw with me. Mickie James is some sort of pig. Melina prefers to do the opposite of wrestling moves. Michelle McCool is not the Scottish version of cool at all. Last and always least, Vance Archer can cut his hair all he wants, but he will always be that tall guy with a lower back tattoo. In conclusion, Maryse wins by default, which is French for "of fault." Be proud of your accomplishments. From presenting Smackdown in a bathtub to flipping your hair and kind of fainting. You've come a long way.


Couple of the Year

Nominees: Dolph Ziggler & Maria, Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson, Zack Ryder & Rosa Mendes, Chris Masters & His Dancing Pectorals, Vickie Guerrero & Eric Escobar

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson

Kozlov and Jackson's love story is a whirlwind tale of lost and found. They were two young superstars in WWE. At a carnival, their eyes met and they instantly fell in zebra love. Unfortunately, Vladimir's wealthy Russian family disapproved of their zebra love. As a means to separate the two lovers for good, they left the country, taking Vladimir with them.

Hoping to contact Vladimir again, Ezekiel wrote him several letters, none of which were ever received. After several years passed, Vladimir met and fell in love with the wealthy William Regal. In a local newspaper one day, Vladimir saw a picture of Ezekiel, who recently restored a 200-year-old Russian tank. At that moment, Vladimir's feelings for Ezekiel came rushing back to him. As Vladimir stopped by Ezekiel's Russian tank to see how he was doing, they reconnected. Now, Vladimir is at a crossroads and must choose between William Regal and Ezekiel. I-E-I feel so light. This is all I wanna feel tonight. I-E-I feel so light. Tonight, Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson win Couple of the Year.


Match of the Year

Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker (WrestleMania XXV), Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Championship vs. Mask Match - The Bash), 25-Diva Battle Royal (WrestleMania XXV), Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina Marella (Hog Pen Match - Extreme Rules), Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (WWE Championship Ladder Match - Extreme Rules)

Winner: 25-Diva Battle Royal (WrestleMania XXV)


Predictably, your average critic will give this award to Michaels versus Undertaker. For the thousandth time, I am not your average critic. In my eyes, neither Shawn Michaels nor The Undertaker made that overrated match great. For me, Sim Snuka not catching The Undertaker brought that match from negative two stars to negative one star. Many of you will disagree with me, but that is my opinion. Since the internet hired me to give you my opinion, mine is the one that is right. Thus, I do not give this award to that WrestleMania XXV debacle, but hand it over to the true main event of that Pay-Per-View.

The 25-Diva Battle Royal had drama, suspense, and mystery. What is Kid Rock doing there? Why do these girls have to feel him up? Did they get paid extra? Wait, who was eliminated right there? Where's Molly Holly? That was Molly Holly just then? Wait, who's that girl? Was that Torrie Wilson, or a broom handle with a blonde wig? What about that girl? Santina? What? It's over? Excellent. Suck it like a crazy straw, other WrestleMania XXV match.


Most Shocking Moment of the Year

Nominees: Kofi Kingston boom drops Randy Orton through a table in Madison Square Garden, Christian returns to ECW, CM Punk's body suddenly gains the ability to grow hair, Shane McMahon runs out of energy while almost-punching Randy Orton, Tony Atlas laughs

Winner: Tony Atlas laughs


When Mark Henry's moved his World's Strongest Self to RAW, Tony Atlas' future in WWE seemed bleak. When Tony Atlas laughed for the first time on The Abraham Washington Show, the WWE Universe knew that everything was going to be okay. They knew that the year 2012 would not be the end of the world. Truly, the end of the world would occur on the day that Tony Atlas does not laugh in his own unique way.

Much like our Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela, Atlas shall protect us from danger and despair. I, for one of millions, thank him. When I go to Heaven in my heavenly Hummer, which runs on the tears of heartbroken children, Tony Atlas shall meet me at the gate. He will laugh. In turn, I will finally know the meaning of life. In my opinion, no Menorah can hold a candle to Tony Atlas' laugh. This December, my Jewish brethren and I will gather around Atlas for eight days and celebrate Hanukkah. Feel free to join us, less shocking moments of the year.


Pay-Per-View of the Year

Nominees: WrestleMania XXV, Bragging Rights, Summerslam, Extreme Rules, Royal Rumble

Winner: Bragging Rights


WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. This year, it was the showcase of mediocrity. At the Royal Rumble, every man is for himself. In 2009, every man sat at home and watched this boring Pay-Per-View by himself. When push comes to shove or pull, Bragging Rights takes the Pay-Per-View of the Year cake. Even though the Pay-Per-View cake is not that delicious nor edible, they get a cake.

As for WrestleMania XXV, Summerslam, Extreme Rules, and the Royal Rumble, they get nothing. Unlike you cynical wrestling fans, who are surely all supermodels with supermodel girlfriends, I loved the concept of Bragging Rights. This guy is on one show. Another guy is on this other show. These guys are on different shows. Therefore, they don't like each other. I don't see the problem with this logic. Actually, I would call this award-winning logic for Bragging Rights is getting one of them shiny statues. What are you getting? I can't wait for Bragging Rights 2010. Who will come out on top? Will it be RAW, Smackdown, or E... RAW or Smackdown? Quite possibly, we'll never know.


Finisher of the Year

Nominees: Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press, Lou Gallows' Gas Mask, Triple H's Pedigree, John Cena's STF, CM Punk's Go To Sleep

Winner: Luke Gallows' Gas Mask


This is Luke Gallows' first nomination and win. Since Luke Gallows cannot be here with us tonight, the memory of Pete Gas will accept this award on his behalf.

Luke would like to thank CM Punk's straight-edge guidance for this award. He would also like to thank recognizable arm tattoos for not giving away his previous wrestling persona. Most of all, Luke gives a shout out to every man in the wrestling business who resembles a bald Tim McGraw. This is for you, bald Tim McGraw look-alikes in wrestling. They said we would never do it, but we did. One day, we will find our bald Faith Hills. In 2010, we'll have to look harder. That's all. Slam Master J doesn't care about Tim McGraw.


Rivalry of the Year

Nominees: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy, John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Triple H vs. Randy Orton, D-Generation X vs. Legacy, Chavo vs. Hornswoggle

Winner: Triple H vs. Randy Orton


Home invasions; random people hanging out in various rooms; attempted sprinting with sledgehammers; flimsy windows; mouth-kissing Stephanie McMahon. Without question, the epic Triple H versus Randy Orton feud had it all in a hand basket. Compared to textbook feuds about jealousy, envy, competition, and sneaker-wearing leprechauns, the rivalry between Hunter and Orton was able to take it to another level.

After visiting the amusement park and taking a ride on a rollercoaster, I came home to RAW each Monday night and watched these two megastars take me on an emotional roller coaster. While both roller coasters made me laugh, cry, and lose my lunch, I tip my invisible hat to the latter for making me question everything I once knew. If a wrestling genie appeared before me and could only grant me one wish, I would wish to see this feud rekindled once more. I must know what happened to that lady who ran out of Randy's laundry room. Did she ever finish his laundry, or is that question left for the viewer to answer?



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