The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 56th

Team JBL (John "Bradshaw Layfield, The Miz, John Morrison, MVP, and Kane) vs. Team Captain Planet (Wheeler, Linka, Kwame, Gi, Ma-Ti)

Our world is in a financial crisis
Meredith Whitney, Bradshaw's wife, has been sent from the future to warn us our of impending doom
She gives five magic rings to five special professional wrestlers
From a party with Katie Vick, Kane with the power to set things on fire
From the doghouse, MVP with the power to lose to everyone
From the Palace of Wisdom, John Morrison with the power to stand in front of a fan in slow motion
From MTV, The Miz with the power to wear his horrible "Chick Magnet" shirt
And from New York by way of Texas, JBL with the power of sex juice
With the five powers combine, they summon WWE's greatest champion -- the traditional and entertaining yet ultimately unsatisfying Survivor Series Elimination Match

Go wrestling!

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The great 2008.

AND

You can't make me stop... you can't make me stop... you can't make me stop.