Monday, November 26, 2007

Entrance Theme Interpretations: The Themening


Entrances themes--they are the backbone of the industry. Without entrance music, how are we supposed to know when our favourite superstars are about to appear? Through our sight? I don't think so. I don't think so times infinity. The wrestling world is a beautiful place when it functions with a soundtrack. The roses are redder, the violets are bluer, and the sky rids itself of clouds that vaguely resemble puffy bunnies. If you do not like entrance music, I cannot sway your opinion; you will dislike what you dislike; there ain't no stoppin' you now. While you let your hatred fester inside of you, I will be on the outside, enjoying the sounds of our times.

My appreciation for themes runs deep, all the way down to my epidermis. As the saying goes, I love entrance music like a fat kid loves entrance music. In fact, I admire wrestling themes so much that I will take time out of my busy schedule of enjoying wrestling themes to analyze said themes for the benefit of the public. For your information, the following entrance themes contain suggestive language such as "the" and "fluid." If you are reading this article to your children, please stop at this point. For the adults, take this alcoholic drink in an alcoholic glass and enjoy. As an aside, please take into account that these are partial anaylzations, not full interpretations. I listen to these songs non-stop all day, but even I need rest from this audible fantasticality. Furthermore, these are not the actual lyrics of the entrance themes, but the lyrics as I hear them. Send your criticisms to someone who cares, which is me.

Are you ready to rock? Are you ready to roll? If you are not ready to do either task, I must wait for you until you are adequately prepared. So, are you ready now? Still no? You're worse than a woman dolling herself up for the ball.

WWE

Santino Marella

Like Santino, I don't care for you either, Jerry "Stupid" Lawler. You are the king of stupid. Stop sticking up for your colleague Jim Ross. I know Jim Ross. He wants to show off his new finishing maneuver, the 900 Splash, but you won't let him.

Song: "Damn-a"
Singer: Italian Opera Songstress Praising a Higher Power
Genre: Italian Safe-Style Opera

Levy turned a mayo
(American Pie actor Eugene Levy has twisted the lid off a jar of mayonnaise in honour of Santino's entrance.)
This meat is ha
(Santino Marella has come from the butcher baring various hilarious pig snouts and amusing pieces of beef tripe.)

Take my Impala
(Santino is urging you to take his Chevrolet Impala out for an errand. Santino wants you to deliver a fruit basket to American Pie actor Eugene Levy as a thank you for opening that jar of mayonnaise.)
My juice is water
(The fruit basket that Santino is sending to American Pie actor Eugene Levy has so much fruit in it that Santino himself is out of fruit. From this point forward, when Santino Marella wants orange juice, he'll have to dream orange juice.)
Rahim for a quarter
(Santino will trade you Shareef Abdur-Rahim of the Sacramento Kings NBA franchise for twenty-five cents worth of orange juice American.)
Hey, there's my booty
(Santino is walking down the ramp to fetch his posterior. He thought he left it on his nightstand, but he was wrong.)
Check the moon, it is sexy
(Santino wants the audience to desire the moon in a sexual manner. The crescent drives him nuts.)
It is very ample
(Santino is going to cheat on Maria with Moonria. Sorry, Maria. Congratulations, Moonria.)
Look at these leaves, I don't know
(Italy seems to not have leaves such at these, but Santino is not sure. Inspect them and get back to him.)


The Coach

He is The Coach. That is why. He has just answered a question that you never asked. Jonathan Coachman has crazy super powers. Here's to Mr. Coachman, his incredible losing streak, and his retired Charleston chance.

Song: "Everybody Got Their Teeth"
Singer: Li'l Wayne's cousin Medium Siz'd Ulysses
Genre: Party Rap


Colour guard, know why
(Jonathan Coachman will appear in primary shades only. Try to protect yourself if you encounter such an image.)
Colour guard, know why
(See above.)
Dog know what it is (know why)
(A Chocolate Labrador cannot see primary colours. He or she is safe.)
Yup
(Affirmative.)
*rhythmic breathing*
Yup
(Yes.)
*rhythmic breathing*

Oh backbreak Chris, everybody got their teeth
(This time, Chris Jericho will backbreak the walls down. Also, Coach notices that everyone has a full set of adult teeth.)
And the world is watching me
(The world is watching Coach watching people with a full set of adult teeth.)
And the world is watching me
(The world is fascinated with watching Coach watching people with a full set of adult teeth.) [x2]

Maul you, come on, come out, and get to it
(Jonathan Coachman is going to attack you like a bear. Get this bear attack over with because Coach wants to watch some What I Like About You reruns.)
Pimp game is coming right at you like Chewie
(Coach is very good at his favourite pimp related board game--Pimptionary. Do not face him as a novice or you will experience a hardship similar to that of Chewbacca from Star Wars.)
Got a park in the building but you already knew it
(He is installing a park in the backstage area of RAW, but you can tell that he is doing so if you look hard enough. That swing is very red.)
Down boy game like grease like it's fluid
(Coach wants to bring that Chocolate Labrador back from the song's introduction to show you how greasy and liquidy his dog's game is.)
Bank roll the game and the girls can't chew it
(He has a roll of pennies. The ladies cannot digest his roll of pennies for they do not want copper poisoning.)
All this is mine, you're all just Inuit
(Coach owns everything you see before you. In his presence, you transform into Eskimoan people from the Arctic.)

Chuck, ain't it a shame that I'm back?
(Hey, Chuck Woolery. Guess who, bitch?)
Women come in the crowd, now look how I act
(At the sight of Jonathan Coachman, Females gain sexual pleasure in Section G, Rows 11-20. Coach responds differently to this event every time. Keep viewing for more.)
Penciling you as a little shorty, time goes tacks
(You are small. Truly, you are so small that you capable of entering the inner workings of a grandfather clock and manipulating its hands using thumbtacks. Coach requests for you to do this job for him.)
VIP at the Grammy Awards, now top that
(Coach has been nominated for Spoken Album of the Year at the 2007 Grammys for "Suck On That, Chuck." How you like them bananas, Mr. Woolery?)
With the credit card, the money coming in
(Credit card transactions equal monetary responsibility. This is good.)
Pirates don't party like the Ying Yang Twins
(Paul Burchill is always the designated driver for the Ying Yang Twins.)
Cadillac boys backing time to the end
(Men driving Cadillacs will bring Coach the fixed grandfather clock at the end of the day.)
We got the Complete Shot, we're all in
(Everyone takes the Complete Shot as their finisher. We don't know why, but we support it because the Coach supports it.)
Homeboy his name, we gotta represent
(The Complete Shot's new name is The Complete Homeboy. Please support this name change as well.)
If you're looking for change, this is where we drove again
(We will need to turn these Cadillacs around if you want to pick up that nickel back there.)


John Morrison

Johnny Nitro is no more. Tears fall on my face in the style of many corkscrew splashes. I do not understand why World Wrestling Entertainment had to turn him into John Morrison. Maybe he and WCW Monday Nitro are getting a divorce. Perhaps Morrison is Johnny Nitro's maiden name.

Song: "Hey, Damn, Ow"
Singer: John Morrison of the 60s rock band The Windows
Genre: Slow Motion Hair Movements in the Wind


Now listen
(Do you hear that? No screechy guitars anymore.)
This ain't no make believe
(This is not an elementary school play. This is community-college-student community theatre.)
Come on, open your eyes and see
(John Morrison wants you to pay attention this time. He knows that you're already watching, but really watch this time.)
Now get up, get up and follow me
(Leave your chair and trail behind John Morrison.)
I'm going to show you what the future will be
(John Morrison is Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Yes indeed.)

Too much wasted time you're gonna waste no more (no baby)
(John Morrison has given George Bailey a wake-up call. From now on, be nice to those people at the Savings & Loan, guy.)
Take this
(Take these lessons and learn from them. Don't let your daughter give you that ridiculous Christmas bell speech. Red Bull gives you wings. You are wrong, little actress.)
Rock on (hey)
(Rock on. Also, salutations.)
Going for you
(You have a lot of rocking going on for you. Good work.)
Hey
(Morrison likes to say hello twice just to make sure.)
I'm going to make you play
(Morrison is going to make you play Guitar Hero with him. Try to back out of it. He thinks he's actually playing guitar.)
Damn
(Morrison is making s'mores. You can't leave now.)
Yeah, ow
(You will stay, but you will hurt yourself as you stand in place.)
Unnhh, that's my friend, eh
(Morrison thinks you two are buddies. You should've said you were washing your hair tonight.)

Hey
(Morrison is forgetful.)
Damn
(Morrison forgot to get Hershey bars for the s'mores.)
Ow
(He has scalded you with melted marshmallows by accident. What kind of friend does that?)
Unnhh, that's my friend, eh
(Morrison hopes you will accept him for who he is.)
Take this
(Accept this friendship. He doesn't have Melina anymore. These days, he needs a solid support system.)
Rock on
(Rock on.)
Hey
(Morrison is really forgetful.)
Good for you
(At least he has greeted you four times.)


Jesse & Festus

I think that Biscuits should be Festus' nickname and Gravy should be given to Jesse. Festus is slow like a biscuit rising in the oven, while Festus is the quick cruiserweight who moves like watery gravy. Further, their finishing move should be called "Done Like Dinner." I just made a trillion dollars in five seconds.

Song: "Bizkits & Greyvee"
Singer: The Biscuits & Gravy Association of America
Genre: Alternative Down-Home Cooking


Biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Made me a man
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking took my virginity.)
Oh, biscuits and gravy
(Oh, small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
That ain't all that I have
(The Thanksgiving you believe they had this year is not the Thanksgiving they actually had.)
The old ham and egger
(Jesse and Festus had an elderly breakfast that day, but they did not enjoy it.)
Something you've always had
(You are an elder who only eats elderly breakfasts. Oh, snap.)

Don't you go bragging, don't you go messing with me
(Don't you fight them because they are eating.)
Better close your eyes because something is coming that you shouldn't see
(This ass kicking is TV 14 for L, S, V, and the dreaded D.)

Biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Fit for a king
(Jerry "The King" Lawler will join in on this feast if the table is underaged.)
Oh, biscuits and gravy
(Small cakes of shortened bread made with baking powder or baking soda and meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Simple and clean
(They will sit on plastic-covered sofas as they eat dinner.)
But you stepped on my gravy
(But you stepped on their meat juices extracted from cooking.)
Now I got to be mean
(Jesse or Festus will step on your gravy. It's only fair.)


Big Daddy V

Why does Big Daddy V listen to Matt Striker? If I had the size and or the strength of Big Daddy V, I would keep Matt Striker in my pocket and we would go on cartoon adventures through the streets of London. In this case, Striker will have to listen to me. This is an adventure, Matt Striker. You said these adventures would not be fun, but who's wrong now? I could seriously eat you whole if I am hungry enough. Don't test me.

Song: "The Ballad of Large Father Five"
Singer: Enormous Uncle X
Genre: Largeness

Calling all cars, calling all cars
(Big Daddy V has summoned all car models from Japan into his stomach because he finds them more delicious than planes.)
Got pressure, he's taking over the airwaves, man, we can't control him
(Big Daddy V has sat on a radio tower. KWAQ 96.1 THE MUSIC FM does not play adult contemporary anymore.)
Oh my God, it's so dangerous
(Sweet Jesus. Big Daddy V is flinging his girth around like a weapon.)
Where is he at? In Gotham? Yes he is, man
(He is planning to eat Batman. If it's George Clooney's Batman, let him do it. Give him some room.)
This guy is about to get rain up, man (about to get rain up, man)
(He is going to lift the clouds up and channel the rain into space... twice.)
Oh my God
(Sweeter Jesus with Carlito Carribbean Cool.)

I'm about to end up with a release off the Richter
(Too much Mexican food for the former Viscera. His bowel movements shake tectonic plates.)
The pressure got through as I get mean and sink her
(Matt Striker has told him to throw sinks at women who do not want to be with him. Former Viscera rage engaged.)
Like a pig in a micro fridge left for Vikings
(He is keeping a whole pig in his refrigerator. It's not much, but Vikings may visit. Big Daddy V has to be prepared.)
Now you want to be living in the tri-fin
(One three-finned fish does not equal one Big Daddy V. Former Viscera is as hospitable as any kind of super fish.)
Right here, I'll straight up beat his writing
(If you cannot beat him as a host, you may try to defeat him via poem battle.)
All my rehearsing I die from pursing
(All of this constant hosting will be the death of Big Daddy V. He hasn't been this stressed since he bought a purse in that 80% off sale.)
There's no pursing when I spit up on my truth
(He has stopped buying purses because it makes him eat truth like an infant. He wants to eat truth like an adult.)
Worming up in the roof, living the proof
(Big Daddy V is subletting his home to either Scotty 2 Hotty or The Boogeyman. Whoever lives longest will get to live in his attic.)
Like now he know me, Daddy know me
(Big Daddy V is a great listener. He said you have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. He said you and your father don't talk much. He's there for you.)
I love you like Barney, not a Horny
(Big Daddy appreciates you. Also, Barney is better at receiving love than Hornswoggle. What else is new?)
Raunchy, when I do my thing at a Maury
(Our Barney-like love for Big Daddy V will be displayed on a future "Who My Baby Daddy?" episode of Maury. He never a ho to us. Never.)
And then all these rappers they straight bore me
(Why talk about money and jiggly women when you can talk about dinosaur adoration?)
And I don't need a damn jacket when I'm wigging on the screen
(Big Daddy V doesn't listen to his mother. He's going to get a cold, for goodness sake. Well, go ahead and get sick. No Vicks VapoRub for you.)
And you know I'm clean, and on my jeans, and then I bring it on the queen
(Big Daddy V's hygiene is excellent. He likes denim on himself, and he likes denim on Queen Elizabeth II.)
And then I bring it on Brooklyn then to end it
(This pair of Levi's is going to New York--end of story.)


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