In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, let's take the wayback machine way back into the month of May in the year 2006 Anno Domini. Some tune about putting your business up some girl's business was the mega hit; Pepsi was much sweeter than Coca-Cola; the news said eggs were good for your health, then said they were bad for your health; a penny got you one cent. I will forever remember these days. They are quite special to me. It's too bad we will never see that period return.
At the time, World Wrestling Entertainment's website introduced a list entitled The Power 25 which showcased the best and brightest of the current RAW, Smackdown, and ECW wrestling scenes. In response to their list, I created my own. How about we take a second look at what is sure to be the greatest list you have and will ever see? No? You say you don't want to? Well, too bad. I'm putting my foot and the feet of North American down. Yes, The Swerved has that level of foot authority.
-Stephen
Myself, in conjunction with The Academy of Columnist Arts & Sciences, ranks the Top 25 Superstars in wrestling with Power 25. The rankings are based on charisma, machismo, charismo and overall machisma, as well as intangibles. Be sure to be able to count to the number 25 for Power 25. Here are the rankings:
Note: Each week, Mobile Alert subscribers get the Top 24 and a sandwich (5 years after the rest of the world).
1) John Cena
Women and children love John Cena. Males ages 18 to 34 hate him. What's my point here? You see, if you took a woman who loves John Cena and mated her with a man who hated John Cena, you'd end up with a child who thinks John Cena is okay. Therefore, he's #1 this week. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. Cheese.
(As John Cena heals and recovers from his pectoral injury, what do you think he's doing right now to pass the time? I picture him opening neighbourhood pickle jars via STFU, but then again, I'm not John Cena. Maybe he's rolling around on the grass with his buddies to a song from his You Can't See Me LP, but he's already done that before. I do not see him engaging in that completely spontaneous activity again.)
2) Umaga
If I was a Cuban dictator, I'd want a Samoan savage on my side. Umaga is definitely one of the toughest big men in WWE today. Also, I think we'd have so much fun together. We could eat at T.G.I. Friday's on a Sunday. We could watch the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and hold each other when either of us felt like crying. Hell, if I was Armando Alejandro Estrada, I'd buy a tandem bike just to see the joy on Umaga's face as we ride in the park. He's a future megastar in the making.
(As I have said numerous times in the past, Umaga is a vicious Samoan savage, yet he has a seamstress who puts the likeness of his face and his name on his tights. I do not know how Umaga conveys his design ideas to the seamstress. I cannot wrap my mind around the image of Umaga looking at colour swatches. To whoever makes Umaga's attire for him, thank you for the amusing mental pictures that come about with your existence.)
3) The Rock
He doesn't wrestle for WWE anymore, but I pretend he still does. Sometimes, I tape a picture of him on my television while I'm watching RAW. If I suspend my belief, it looks like he's still there. No, he didn't leave. He just went out to get some groceries. I'm sure he'll be back. He will be back, right?
(To those of you who look down on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for Hollywooding himself up real good, I look down on you. If I had to choose between making sweet on-screen love to beautiful actresses and taking sour chairshots from Cro-Magnon doofuses, I would go for the former. At least he gets the chance to star in movies without the WWE Films logo plastered all over it. At least he gets the chance to take ambitious projects like Southland Tales. What would have become of him if he stayed with WWE? In some feud, somebody tells him a secret backstage in front of two cameras, then in the next segment, that same person throws poop in his face for laughs? I'll take buddy comedy with Seann William Scott as the wisecracking sidekick over that.)
4) The Great Khali
This behemoth is pretty big. How big is he? The Great Khali is so big that, on an airplane, he uses first class instead of economy because he feels more comfortable with additional leg room. Hiyo.
("Hiyo!" was a famous saying by one Ed McMahon. Hiyo is also short for hiyonnaise, which I put in my sandwiches for lunch on a daily basis.)
5) The Spirit Squad
Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey have certainly surprised wrestling fans with their ability to cut several rugs with tremendous athletic ability, super cool dance moves, and fantastic cheers. Who will be able to legitimately compete with these young men? Actually, I'm about to form a cheerleading group as well, so watch out.
STEPHEN!
CHACHI!
REFRIGERATOR!
QUINCY!
FELLOULA!
And we are... the Liveliness Regiment!
(Sadly, The Liveliness Regiment was squashed in early 2007 by Deterioration Z--a stable led by "The Temporal Killer" Bentley Borst Bennessey and "The Pulmonary Child" Ron Chimels. I didn't know whom either of those guys were at the time, but I know them now. Poor Refrigerator. He never saw that Ultra Boot coming. Chimels can hit that Saccharine Throat Ditty from anywhere, I tells you with pluralized verbs.)
6) Edge
On this day, he sees clearly. That's good enough for me.
(I thought I knew Edge. I thought I knew Edge. Well, today I've learned that I'll never know him. I know his real name is Adam Copeland, but he might as well be named Stranger Stranger. As he appears to be returning at Survivor Series, perhaps he can take a few minutes out of his Pay-Per-View run-in to participate in a game of 20 Questions with me. Does Edge like onions? I don't know the answer; that is why I want to play 20 Questions with him.)
7) JBL
He's the United States Champion, meaning he is the champion of Alaska and Hawaii too. Say, do you know what that lady over there just said? I don't know. Hawaii. I mean Alaska. I mean... oh fiddlesticks.
(By the time this article was posted on The 'Pit, Jayfield Bayfield Layfield had lost his WWE United States Championship to Bobby Lashley. I am not fan of young Robert for I see him as a poor respresentation of the United States of America. For instance, look at his pose with arms spread from his sides and index fingers pointed in opposite directions. If you compare his reach to a common elementary school map of the country, his arms only go from Utah to Alabama. That's not the entire United States. Whom is he fooling?)
8) May 19th
Did somebody say... three minutes?
(May 19th was the day that Kane's parents died in a fire. May 19th was also the day that See No Evil was released in threatres nationwide. May 19th is a curse and a blessing. May 19th is like an electric-eel-guarded ice cream cake.)
9) Mark Henry
I'm the World's Strongest Man's World's Strongest Fan. That pun alone justifies his ascent to the top of the Smackdown roster. If you're still not convinced, his beard is probably able to hold a town's entire water supply, so there.
(Mark Henry calls himself the Silverback Gorilla, even though I've never seen a gorilla wear tights with sparkly attire in the wild. Perhaps I need to take my head out of the pages of National Geographic and put it into the pages of something useful like wrestling magazines. Yes WWE Magazine, that is a very nice picture of a bikini diva straddling an inner tube while she's eating a popsicle. I do not get symbols nor metaphor, so I assume she just wants a refreshing treat. Although, it's November. I don't understand.)
10) Carlito
The Caribbean's own manages to make it into the Top 10 for the first time in a long time. Why? Because he said he could get me a lot of apples. I feel like an apple pie right now, but the apples haven't arrived yet. Where's the apples, Carlito? Where are they? Carlito will be number nine when I see them.
(Carlito has never met an apple that he liked. There is a reason why Carlito is in limbo at the moment--the day he finally eats an entire apple is the day that WWE treats him with respect. Until that time arises, may he continue to springboard from the middle rope in slow motion. He will hit that elbow when he finishes that apple, consarnit.)
11) Shelton Benjamin
Wearing sunglasses has made this gifted performer one of the most popular wrestlers in the business. Why does he wear shades? Cause the future is so bright. Also, he probably gets nervous talking in front of a live audience for fear that he may screw up. Any way you put it, the word is GQ, baby.
(Shelton B. Ware has the hair colour, but is in dire need of a parrot. Perhaps Charlie Hass can dress up in a parrot costume and perch himself onto Shelton's shoulder. This is a poor idea compared to Mama Benjamin because at least Mama Benjamin had potential. To be honest, I thought they went in the wrong direction with her. She should've been to Shelton Benjamin what Donovan McNabb's flashy mother was to Donovan McNabb in Chunky Soup commercials. She could have worn a sequined top and pants in the style of Shelton's tights, along with sunglasses with star-shaped lenses.)
12) Mick Foley
Hhhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyyy Fooooooollllleeeeyyyyyy. Your model train maintenance skills are mediocre at best.
(When Mick Foley has something to promote, he will be on World Wrestling Entertainment programming without question. When Terry Funk announces his first retirement ever, he will be facing Mick Foley a millisecond after said announcement.)
13) Booker T
King Booker takes his Power 25 throne with the help of Queen Sharmell, Jester Stevie Ray, and Big T by accident. Now can you procure that, pppeeeeaaaassssaaaannnntttt?!
(Are Booker T and Sharmell T headed to TNA? Do you want funny jokes on your cell? If so, text FUNNY on your mobile phone now to 52550. By doing so, you are sure to have people rolling in the aisles with laughter. "How did Booker T cross the road? He did it by walking?" Get superficial buttholish friends now with the funniest jokes in the entire galaxy. Text FUNNY on your mobile to 52550. Standard texting rates apply. "Why did Booker T leave WWE? Because they always looked crown on him." Many a ha ha.)
14) Chloe
Torrie's pooch is a blue chipper, who is rumoured to become a part of the new ECW. I propose they sell t-shirts that read "What's up, dog?" with an angry Chloe on the front and her tush pusher buttocks on the back. I'd buy at least half of a shirt.
(At the recent Cyber Sunday Pay-Per-View event, Torrie Wilson was a Washington Redskins football player. On the October 29th edition of Monday Night RAW, Torrie was a player for the Philadelphia Eagles. Can the National Football League offer and allow a trade such as that one to occur? Torrie Wilson for Torrie Wilson? I don't know who is losing in that trade, but somebody is on the bitter end of a sweet and sour stick. Because she is a WWE Diva, she may be an excellent wide receiver and all, but Torrie is a gamble at that position at best.)
15) Rob Van Dam
Mr. Money in the Bank may have lost his Intercontinental Championship, but it couldn't have come at a better time. In fact, it couldn't have come at a better EXTREME.
(I followed the old ECW because of Rob Van Dam. He reminded me of an actor whose name and appearance was quite similar to Rob--comedian Rob Schneider. In The Hot Chick, Rob Schneider had educated feet. One went to Harvard, the other went to Yale, but the rest of his body went to Hamburger University College in hopes to transfer to Cheeseburger U. So many of my favourites have left World Wrestling Entertainment for a life of stupid relaxation and dumb happiness, but at least Chris Jericho is returning. I can't wait to see him come back to RAW to thunderous applause, then struggle to win in a feud with Snitsky one month later.)
16) Triple H
The King of Kings is low on the list, but not for long. The imminent return of D-Generation X has got people going "D-X is coming back? Alright. I'm okay with that. Shouldn't be too bad when I think about it. We'll see." I'm just as psyched. I'm running happily in the streets giving out lollipops, screaming "Suck it!" to complete strangers. I'm about ready to crotch chop, if only I had a crotch.
(Triple H and Shawn Michaels return as D-Generation X for "one night only" on the November 5th edition of Monday Night RAW. I pray that Triple H's new shirt will be there. The autumn colours should blind Randy Orton and Umaga into submission. I plan to purchase Triple H's throwup shirt to ward off evil in straw village homes.)
17) Rey Mysterio
The masked superstar and WWE Champion has got his backside handed to him by Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Kane, and JBL, but he has survived regardless. Plus, he did it for Eddie, so here he is.
(I recommend Rey Mysterio's The Biggest Little Man 3-Disc DVD collection. With these digital video discs, you will witness why I became a tremendous admirer of Rey Mysterio in the first place. You see, in World Championship Wrestling, he was the fantastic high flyer, but most of all, he wrestled in tights that had question marks all over the place; I found that cooler than cool. If I were ever to enter the squared circle, I would wear tights full of exclamation points. If I had to guess, my tag partner would be sporting a full body suit of em dashes.)
18) Bobby Lashley
He's Wayne Brady. We've been through this before, so I don't want to mention it again. Please play Scenes from a Hat, Wayne. That's my favourite game.
(Donald Trump's Bobby Lashley has lost his one-and-only-love-for-now in the form of Kristal Marshall. WWE relieved her of whatever her services she was providing to focus on better talents such as Kelly Kelly's bra. That bra is a wonderful. She must of bought that bra in Sears or something. Anyway, you are free, Kristal. Flap your fantastic behind and fly. You are out of your cage.)
19) Mickie James
Who psychoer than Mickie James? I hope nobody.
(In lieu of Candice Michelle, I believe that Mickie James must take on the monster that is The Glamorous Amazon.com also known as WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix. Between the two, I do not know which entrance theme I like more, but I will base my fandom on the female with the most pleasant song. When I think of Mickie's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store. When I listen to Beth's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store... holding Excalibur. It's a tie.)
20) Kurt Angle
He's an Olympic gold medallist and one of the best wrestlers in WWE history. Also, his neck must be like one of those Fisher-Price push toys by now. Tiny shards of bones must be bouncing freely around in there like colourful balls. Sweet!
(Kurt Angle in Total Nonstop Action wrestling appears to be healthier, but his popularity has taken a major hit. I cannot comprehend how TNA could stifle the mystique of Kurt Angle in so little time, but they managed to do it. Five years ago, if you were to tell me that Kurt Angle would be wrestling Sting, I would've been somersaulting with excitement into wet cement without care. Now that Kurt Angle and Sting are facing off in TNA, I feel sleepy in response. I am going to take a nap. At this time next year, I want to Sting to head over to WWE to face the Undertaker. This is how I wish to be compensated.)
21) Finlay
The fightingest Irishman manages to set Smackdown on fire without one stereotypical characteristic. Leprechaun Lucky Charms Rainbow Pot O' Gold Four Leaf Clover Guinness Shaquille O'Neal.
(As Vince McMahon gains a son, Finlay loses a cohort. One million shillelaghs cannot make up the absence of one fighting leprechaun. There is a hole in the heart of Fit Finlay. As much as he wants to fill it up with Rey Mysterio beatings, he simply cannot. Only Hornswoggle can make his Irish world complete. Finlay brought you into WWE, Hornswoggle. Why have you left him lonesome?)
22) Michael Cole
Think about your greatest accomplishment in life -- that one defining moment of your existence that will be remembered and admired for all eternity. It must be something that cannot be topped or duplicated for it is a glorious feat of epic proportions. Do you have it? Good. Michael Cole made it possible. He's waiting for a thank you card right now.
(Michael Cole and JBL work well as a tandem consisting of a dork and a rich Texan. In wrestling, as in life, you are either an awkward goof or a rich person from Texas. What is it going to be? The decision is in your dorky hands, Texas Rich.)
23) Shawn Michaels
The Heartbreak Kid tagged with God. What did you do? Tag with Jesus or something? Big deal.
(I bet Shawn Michaels finds it sacrilegious to use products that will unnaturally grow hair atop his head. It seems like his long hair will be stringy for a while. I know Jerry "The King" Lawler has hair plugs, but that must be against the rules for Shawn too. The Lord himself uses heavenly fertilizer, but it appears as though he is running out, which is too bad for Shawn. I hope he finds a nice alternative. Perhaps Vince McMahon will lend Shawn his fedora of many colours and styles that was somehow surgically implanted to his noggin, then wasn't.)
24) Trish Stratus
The seventy-four time WWE Women's Champion may have dislocated her shoulder, but one thing she will locate is another shot at the strap. Watch out, Mickie James -- Trish Stratus brought Beth. I'm scared at the thought, or will be in a week or two when WWE further explains the storyline.
(The last thing I saw Trish Stratus in was a reality show for the CBC in Canada. She was the host of a show that was searching for the next great Second City comedian. I did not have the patience to watch the series (even with Trish as the host,) but I assume somebody won. For that somebody to not be yours truly is a super bodacious travesty of travestical proportions. Actually, I'm guessing my talents are better served for larger deals, like late evening casino performances on the weekend.)
25) MNM
Melina, that guy, and that other guy are the greatest team in wrestling today, albeit they're not a tag team anymore. Sure, Melina and that guy got fired by Theodore Long, but that other guy is still good. I like it when he does that thing. He's good at that.
(I visited John Morrison's Palace of Wisdom on a recent vacation. It was pretty small. Joey Mercury also stopped in to visit, but wisdom hit him square in the face by accident.)
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