Batista Chooses His Own Adventure

Smackdown's own Dave Batista is a brute of several talents. When he first entered the rings of World Wrestling Entertainment, he played Deacon Batista, Reverend D-Von's holder of a steel collection box which hung from his neck via chain. What was in that container? Apparently, it was greatness. After a brief disappearance, Batista took the role of the powerhouse enforcer in Triple H's powerhouse stable entitled Evolution. Batista drew a line in the sand--that line was lined with gold. Next, Batista's turn to the good, marked by the Batista Bombing of Hunter onto a folding table, gave birth to The Animal. At Wrestlemania 21 from Hollywood, California, that animal attacked a weakened gazelle in the form of The Game to capture his first World Heavyweight Championship. From that point onwards, the animal has been unleashed and fed to a slew of competitors. He has ripped his teeth and claws into prey like tigers in the month of August, which most fans today know as shark-eating season. The massive force of Batista is matched by no man. In fact, he is so indestructible that not even the pages of a Choose Your Own Adventure book can take the behemoth down.

Choose Your Own Adventure books have given children reason to read and often comprehend what they have just read. They may cause their own demise sometimes, stuck in a maze of monsters after turning to page 220, but on page 221, it's all gravy pretty lady. If you wish to take Batista on the journey of a million lifetimes, let your eyes proceed to get a sneak peek of the literary triumph that will be etched in the clouds of heaven, sooner rather than later.

Batista and the Wondrous Evergreen World
by Stephen Rivera
A Swerved Publications Joint

Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Winnipeg, Manitoba, former two-time World Heavyweight Champion Batista readies for the main event of a Smackdown house show against, let's say, Funaki. He adorns his person with the shiny tights of the fire-breathing dragon, crafted by the Greek God of Sewing, Needlecles. He laces his boots, rubs his torso with fancy oils, and probably does that smirk thing he does with his mouth sometimes. Just as he is about to stroll through the curtain, a loud explosion emanates from the back of the building. Batista turns and runs down the hall to a pair of double-doors. In case of emergency, Batista barges through them because it's an emergency. Outside the arena, he sprints down a long walkway. Unbeknownst to him, he runs across a long candy cane bridge that leads to a glowing land of tall trees, hopping bunnies, and rainbows.

What should Batista do next?

a) Blow up the magical forest with his imaginary machine gun (turn to page 9).
b) Go into the magical forest (turn to page 34).
c) Stand there in a suit and glasses, looking cool but not doing much else (turn to page 107).


Page 34

Batista enters the magical forest with a pyrotechnic show occurring behind him. After a five-hour inspection of the land, which involves Batista aimlessly trying to find a top rope to shake, Batista sits down on a log for a breather. Without warning, a large cardboard box materializes in the air. He reaches for a box and inspects the pizza pie contents quizzically.

Should Batista eat the magic pizza?

a) Yes, because this is a special pizza pie. Toppings were placed on the pizza with the help of magical fairy dust and woodland elf bile (turn to page 7).
b) He should give the pizza a spinebuster... supreme flavour (turn to page 100).
c) No, but the pizza should stand there in a suit and glasses, looking like a pizza but not doing much else (turn to page 88).

Page 7

With his mighty hand, Batista rips a slice of air pizza from the hovering box and devours it whole, including its crust of a thousand times toughness. Between violent chews, Batista mumbles, "Mmm, it's not greasy at all," and "I don't care what anybody says. Shrimp on pizza is the Batista Bomb. Am I right, ladies?" In a flash, he finishes the slice, then partakes in the consumption of another. In no less than two minutes, Batista finishes the pizza pie off with a swift quickness. He slaps his hands together to rid his palms of stray crumps, but the beat of his palm pounds summons a figure from the darkness of the woods. The figure, in his flowing suit that adheres to the dress policy, creeps out through the ferns and shows his face before The Animal.

The gentleman is none other than General Wizard of Smackdown, Theodore R. Long. With his enchanted pimp cane, he bops Batista over the top of the head. Theodore uses the other end of the cane as a microphone and says, "Playa playa playa playa playa haterade playa playa playa playa piano." Batista stands in disbelief at Teddy's proposal.

"So, you're telling me that beacuse I ate the entire pizza, I must wrestle for my life tonight in this magical forest? If I do not win, I will be banished in this forest forever, attacked for all enternity by the carnivorous wolves and twinkletoe pixies of the night?" Batista asks.

"Playa playa playa playa holla holla playa playa playa playa vampire slaya."

Should Batista agree to the match?

a) Only if it's a tag match versus MVP (tun to page 89).
b) No, they should make up and spoon (turn to page 59).
c) Only if it's with his asthma-treating partner--Dragon the Magic Puffer (turn to page 56).

Page 56

Batista reaches into his tights for his tag team partner. He places the puffer to his mouth and inhales a wonderful mist of white-powdered lung relief. Dragon the Magic Puffer grows in massive size with the assistance of hard work, training, and a sensible diet alone. The two talk strategy as they wait for their opponents. Theodore the Wizard places the pimp cane in front of him and speaks:

"Playa playa playa playa playa playa feel me playa playa playa tax paya."

Batista, a former member of Evolution, is shocked at the news. With his partner Puffer, they must face Intelligent Design. Evolution, the gradual and organic process in which a type of being transforms into a more complex and proficient form must somehow find a way to defeat the proposal that all systems of the universe are derived from the intended creations of an intelligent force rather than one that is natural.

Intelligent Design enters the forest in matching purple and pink tights. To combat their flashy attire, Batista puts on a suit and sunglasses that, like the wizard's attire, follows the WWE dress policy in a fashionable way.

What move should Batista utilize to fight Intelligent Design?

a) A chimpanzee-throwing gorilla (turn to page 111).
b) Science (turn to page 150).
c) Explain to them the differences between the way white and black people drive in a hilarious manner. White people drive like, "Hey, look at me. My middle name is Leopold and I wear a shirt with buttons." Black people drive like, "Aw hell. Bang, bang, bang with a gun that shoots bullets and has anyone seen my pair of orange Croc shoes? I last left it on the verandah, you ho-bag." What do you think? I guess you'll have to be there to see him do it (turn to page 77).

Page 150

As the forest bell rings, Intelligent and Design attack Batista from behind. Intelligent holds Batista up in a vertical suplex while Design comes off a treetop with a cross body. Intelligent and Design whip Batista in the ropes, then pull off a flapjack. With Batista draped on a prickly bush, Intelligent and Design bounce off of flower beds and execute a double 6-1-9. Dragon the Magic Puffer screams at Batista to tag him, but The Animal is too far from the corner.

Moments later, Batista ducks a double spinning wheel kick attempt and flings them both up and over the trail into the the river of forest dreams. Struggling for air, Batista inches closer and closer to Puffer. With fingertip reaches, he tries to tag his partner, but Puffer stares at him blankly and begins to walk in the opposite direction. Batista screams at Puffer to return, but the large inhaler only responds with the finger.

Who can Batista trust?

a) Nobody (turn to page 33).
b) A butler. They never end up doing anything wrong, according to books and television and popular media that pertain to murder mysteries (turn to page 112).
c) Finlay's Hornswoggle's leprechaun's leprechaun--Russian Doll Hennessey (turn to page 68).

Page 33

As Intelligent and Design regain their composure, they retreat from the river and march over to The Animal. Face down on the ground, a lifeless Batista appears to be down for the count, but a soothing voice echoes in the distance. Batista lends his ear to the sound.

"It's Time to Play The Game!"

Inspired by the lyric, Batista ducks under the concept that God created all living things and executes a series of clotheslines on the team. He gives a thumbs down to the idea of Intelligent Design, which is treated with thunderous cheers by the sold out audience of leaves and woodland creatures.

Without warning, a Motorhead mustachioed man pops out from under the forest floor and gives the members of Intelligent Design two Pedigrees each. Before the man is caught by Intelligent Design's valet, Immaculate Conception, he makes a run for it out of the forest. He leaves into the night, but not before holding up a sledgehammer made of a twig tied to a rock in celebration.

Batista sets Intelligent and Design in the powerbomb position at the same time. He lifts both opponents up, then slams them down onto a pile of uncomfortable pebbles. With the double-cover, the referee, a doe that sort of resembles Charles Robinson in the facial area, taps his hoof against the ground three times.

Batista wins!