The art of tag team wrestling is fading into the light of the forgotten once more. In the modern day, the tag match is no more a display of double-team ingenuity and chemistry between partners; truly, it has now become a vehicle to prolong singles feuds between main event wrestlers. Tell me the last main event tag team match between actual tag teams that has impressed you and I will show you a bridge. Care to purchase said bridge? Buy this bridge, and get another bridge half-off. There will be no sales tax on the second bridge if you act now, by golly.
Yes, a handful of tag teams exist today. On the independent circuit, tag teams still run around flipping and spinning at each other. TNA's tag division is somewhat existent with promising duos such as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin as the Motor City Machine Guns and LAX (Los Angeles X-rays... of Anaheim). World Wrestling Entertainment is home to many teams, but the tandems are regrettably quite inferior to their predecessors. World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch do not cut it. Of course, Trevor Murdoch's face, which is eternally reacting to the taste of a sour lemon is stupendous. However, the Murdoch Lemon Face fails to set the wrestling world ablaze. Although WWE Tag Team Champions Deuce and Domino (with Cherry) are doin' it for Johnny and the rest of the Outsiders and or Happy Days gang, their punches, kicks, punch kicks, and kick punches do not wow the people who are not Two-Bit and or Arnold's restaurant patrons.
This week, I propose to the professional wrestling world a concept that will most definitely cause ripples in both the industry and our culture. I request that you, the reader, tag me into these proceedings so I may relay my plan for a tag team revival to the masses.
Tag team wrestling is not dead. Tag team wrestling is not on life support. In fact, tag team wrestling is about to become better than ever, Trevor.
Name: International House of Submissions & Wine (Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle)
Gimmick: Samoe Joe has a lot of gold titles. Kurt Angle also has a lot of gold titles, one of which no casual fan has ever heard of.
Entrance Music: Godzilla singing the American National Anthem
Entrance: Samoe Joe treats the Impact and TNA Pay-Per-View
audiences to a high-energy island dance with thrusts, hand slaps, and jigs. While he is performing, Kurt Angle sings Sexy Kurt with Mike "M-Dawg" Tenay on back-up vocals.
Finisher: The Tap Tap Tapioca Tap Dance
Samoa Joe holds his opponent over his shoulder for a Muscle Buster. On their way down to the mat, Kurt takes off his singlet to reveal that he is wearing a speedo a la July 19th edition of TNA Impact. Kurt waves his banana hammock in his opponents' face, which forces the recipient of the experience to tap out before he is knocked out on the mat.
Prediction: 23-Time TNA Tag Team Champions of TNA
Name: OMGWTFemales (Christy Hemme and Roxxi Laveaux)
Gimmick: Feuding rivals team up to show TNA and the rest of Earth that women deserve to convulse and look like floozies just as much as men do.
Entrance Music: One hand clapping in a land of tumbleweeds.
Entrance: Hemme and Laveaux link their limbs together to form a rudimentary human bicycle. They wheel their way down the aisle as TNA personality and open-shirt-collar-wearer Jeremy Borash rides the bicycle.
Finisher: Vagicide
Christy Hemme hoists their opponent on her shoulders. Then, Roxxi Laveaux spazzes out like a voodoo gypsy woman thing on her way to the top turnbuckle. Next, she flies off the turnbuckle crotch-first onto her opponent's head. This move is capped off by Hemme and Laveaux celebrating by trying to out-voodoo-dance each other. The opponent is all OMGWTF before his/her defeat (hence the tag team name).
Prediction: 3-Time TNA Non-existent Women's Tag Team Champions of the Universe
Name: Far East Connection (Sonjay Dutt and Senshi)
Gimmick: Sonjay Dutt tries to keep peace in the ring by throwing daisies at his opponents which Senshi also kicks at them with the might of his kickpadded shins.
Entrance Music: The mantra entitled One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Entrance: Sonjay Dutt rides an African elephant to the ring. An African elepant rides Senshi to the ring.
Finisher: Peace Be With You Driver
Sonjay Dutt holds up the opponent in a vertical suplex position. Senshi leaps off the apron, springboards from the top rope, then kicks the opponent's head clean from his body. Unlike the chicken, the homosapien does not run around crazily when it loses its head. It tends to stay in place after such an event occurs so it's all good.
Prediction: 11-Time Head-Kicker-Off Tag Team Champions
Name: Young Boy (Eric Young and Shark Boy)
Gimmick: Eric Young alters his persona as a lovable buffoon to that of a lifesaving lifeguard. One day, a dying shark washes up on the shore of a popular Florida beach. Eric resuscitates the shark with the Heimlich maneuver. Unbeknownst to him, the shark that he saves is actually the mayor of Shark Town, located deep in the waters mere metres away from the beach. To show his gratitude to Eric, he mayor brings him down to the town square for a celebratory ceremony. Thousands of sharks gather around the streets as Eric is given the key to Shark Town. They live happily ever after. The end...
Oh, right a gimmick. Let's say... Eric Young and Shark Boy team up for no reason. Can I have my million dollars now?
Entrance Music: Calm ocean sounds (a shark attacking a fat guy)
Entrance: Young and Boy enter the Impact arena in Orlando, Florida in a speeding Cadillac which is made to look like an tidal wave. Eric Young's reaction is all "I did not know the tides were this strong," while Shark Boy is all, "This is what the waters naturally do at night, so I'm cool with it."
Finisher: Bits and Bites
Shark Boy attacks his opponent on the rear by gnawing at his/her posterior. Eric Young is forced to finish the job, but he has to attain the experience first. To become a full-fledged, he attends Cannibal Elementary School, Cannibal High (he repeats a year because he has trouble chewing left thighs), then the University of Cannibalism. His Bachelor of Arts degree is the first step to a successful life of devouring the rest of his opponent. Hopefully their adversaries can wait until he is able to finish the 17+ years of study.
Prediction: 20-Time Tag Team Human Devouring North American Champions
Name: Impersonation Station ("Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and Jerry "Nickelbacker" Lynn)
Gimmick: Jay Lethal runs around being "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. Jerry Lynn transforms into lead singer Chad Kroeger of the rock band Nickelback by spreading his legs out a tad when he stands in addition to parting his hair slightly in the middle.
Entrance Music: A mash-up of Pomp & Cirumstance and a remix of Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi that will feature Mr. Kroeger on main vocals.
Entrance: Black Machismo heads down the aisle in a Wrestlemania 3 Ring Cart. Jerry Lynn throws nickels behind his back for good luck, to make a pun, and to have a loss of nickels.
Finisher: Oooooh, How You Remind Me
Jay Lethal leaps off the top turnbuckle with a Macho Man elbowdrop as Jerry Lynn croons from a New York apartment rooftop while Spider-Man swings on his web strands bored as hell. Peter Parker don't not need no reminder of nothing.
Prediction: 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time TNA Tag Team Impersonators.
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