Before I present this week's piece, let me tell you a little story. Now that I think about it, perhaps this story is not as little as it seems. You see, I take pride in my work. As much as I am an entertainer, I am an informative teller of brutal, hard-hitting facts. In the professional wrestling industry, I weed through the milk chocolate lies in order to get to the creamy nougat truth. At the end of day, I take a celebratory bite from that scrumptious bar of honesty with the knowledge that I making the wrestling world a better place. Due to my tireless effort to discover the truth, some people claim that I am the Murder and Scully of professional wrestling analysis. Also like Murder and Scully, the sexual tension between myself and I is quite apparent yet never addressed, but that is another tale for another time.
In my most recent search for truth, I risked my life to answer the biggest wrestling question of all. With nothing but the clothes on my sexy back, I engaged in battle against Mother Nature's deadliest obstacles. I ran through frozen tundra without shoes. I wore a suit made out of bacon for some reason and swung from brittle vine to vine over crocodile-infested swamps. Finally, I crawled over dry desert hills as the hot sand burnt my sculptured, statuesque body. A curse on the man who invented the sun. Two curses on the man who made the sun hot. You have scarred twelve of my twenty-four abdominal muscles.
As I prepared my charred self for a possible desert burial, a massive mountain appeared in the distance as a beacon of hope, a signal of life. With newfound strength, I pulled myself through the blistering sands towards that very mountain. Inch by inch, I climbed the steep, jagged face to the summit. At the top, I gasped for air and cursed the skies with a furious shake of my fists. "Why must I ascend this mountain? I am not going for a world record. I am not in a vacation commercial to promote the rugged lands of Arizona," I said.
After I yelled and screamed at the clouds above, I felt the ground rumble beneath me. When I attempted to scramble from the summit, the ground split into two. Up from the soil emerged a behemoth man with a glowing staff in his mighty hand. He looked down upon me, stroked his lengthy white beard, then pointed his narrow finger in my direction.
"Who goes there? Who disturbs the sleep of Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing?" he said, with a booming voice that echoed throughout the plains.
With a frightened stutter in my voice, I said, "Sup? What's crackalacking, good sir?"
"What is it that you desire? Say it now or let the lone desert wolves devour your shivering tongue."
I was not sure what to do next. Do I ask him the question? Do I compliment his hair or something? Do I bargain with the wolves to keep my tongue? I need my tongue for later. As I tried to figure out my next move, the God of All Knowing made the decision for me.
"I know all. So, I know what you wish. Do not waste the time of Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. Ask your question and you shall receive your answer."
I pushed my exhausted body off the ground. Despite significant pain, I stood tall and made eye contact with the God of All Knowing. His eyes shined rays of sparkling gold on the dusty surface below.
"God of All Knowing; I present to you a great query -- why is Jim Duggan so sad? Sure, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes were mean to him, but not that mean. I am afraid. I cannot stand the sadness in his eyes. Tell me why he is so."
The God of All Knowing massaged his mighty temple and said, "This man you speak of must be sad. He must never be happy again."
"Why? Why must you put him through such hardship?"
With a gentle sigh, he said, "This man you speak of must be sad. His cascading tears power my cellular phone. I have infinite evening minutes. I strive to use every single one. I am the Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. It has been done."
In reply, I scratched my head with a confused expression. I said, "Hold the cellular phone with infinite evening minutes for a second. You power your phone with a grown man's eye water? Where did you buy that phone anyway?"
After a depressed sigh, the God of Knowledge said, "Silence! You will not speak ill of my mobile communication decisions. Take a gander at the topographical features of this land. Does this mountain look like an ideal place for an Apple store to you? I do not think so. I will work with what I have, thank you very much. I am Pandlordor, the God of All Knowing. Pandlordor out."
As he attempted to sink back into the earth, I kicked his glowing staff right out of his hand. When the staff fell and broken into shards, the God of All Knowing slammed his fists to the ground in anger. I was frightened, but refused to back down.
"So, you're just going to stand there and let Jim Duggan be sad? By the way, have you ever heard of a cell phone charger? And you call yourself the God of All Knowing."
Without hesitation, the God of All Knowing guffawed at my comment.
"You slay me, mere mortal. Uh yes, I do call myself the God of All Knowing. Do you have a problem with that? What are you going to do about it, home slice?
I clenched my fist and wagged my finger back at him. No, I did not think so, girlfriendly God.
"From this day forward, I vow that Jim Duggan will never be sad again. If it takes me my entire life to make him happy, so be it. Say goodbye to your precious evening minutes, Foolmaster General."
1. For Hacksaw, I will stage a hand shadow puppet show in which I will recreate historic moments from his memorable World Championship Wrestling run as an American member of Lance Storm's Team Canada. Due to my amazing shadow puppet skills, we will have to pretend that the entire team was composed of a bunny rabbit, a bird in flight, a barking dog in flight, and an Elix Skipper in flight. Remember the day when the barking dog in flight won the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title? That was a day, alright.
2. Since Duggan is a connoisseur of the finest arts, I will change the depressing ending to William Shakespeare's Hamlet to a happier one. In my version of the play, the characters do not succumb to an unfortunate, bloody end; rather, King Hamlet revives himself and buys a Nintendo 64 for everyone. Hamlet and Claudius will play GoldenEye for eight hours straight.
3. I will cover the entire planet in gymnasiums. If you do not wear gym shorts like Jim Duggan, you will be unable run pointless laps around the gym while an alcoholic gym teacher sits on the sidelines, holding a coffee pot in one hand while he shoves the other hand down his pants.
4. This Halloween, I will volunteer to be the back end of a two-man horse costume. Together, Hacksaw and I will win the Triple Crown, promote Budweiser, and capture Troy.
5. I will whip up a batch of my world famous cookies. I will let Jim Duggan add important ingredients like chocolate chips, M&Ms, and shame. When the batter is ready, he will get to lick the bowl and the spoon. Lucky.
6. For Jim, I will carry around a 2x4 as well. When we appear in public, we will look like two confused, shirtless construction workers without a site to construct. "Have you seen that place with a lot of hammers and nails that have yet to be hammered? You haven't? Oh well. Let's keep looking, Hacksaw."
7. To show my sweet liberty love for the United States of America, I will take a curling iron to the American flag to make it more wavy, luscious, and manageable. Why? Because she's worth it. Am I right, ladies?
8. To sympathize with Hacksaw, I will learn to live as a hacksaw. I will turn myself into a fine-toothed blade, then cut down various metals and bones. Goodbye, good night, and good luck, family and friends. I am off to do the Lord's work -- cutting a bunch of stuff with sharp things.
9. To honour Duggan's victory in the first ever Royal Rumble match in World Wrestling Federation and Entertainment history, I will throw 28 royal family members from England up and over the top rope. Because I can only throw 28 royal family members from England up and over the top rope, I will have to defeat Queen Elizabeth II via submission.
10. I will buy Jim Duggan a bottle of Castrol GTX. I want Hacksaw to stop sludge in its tracks with superior sludge protection. If he tries to stop sludge in its tracks with inferior sludge protection, we will relive the Great Depression.
11. I will have a word with Ted DiBiase Sr. concerning the questionable behaviour of one Ted DiBiase Jr. Once Ted Senior learns about his son's deplorable actions, he will immediately take away his Randy Orton haircut and face privileges. Dagnabbit, Ted Jr. Look like a man who hires an African-American servant for a change. Right now, you look like man who hires an Puerto Rican pool boy.
12. To modernize Jim Duggan for this millennium and many millennia to come, I will make him transform his "Hooooooo!" chant to one that is both accurate and politically correct. Get ready wrestling fans. Clear your throat, sip a glass of water, then clear your throat again. In a few weeks, let the "Professional Promiscuous Cohabitant of a Rather Sexual Persuasion in the Hours Pertaining to Moonlight!" chants begin.
13. I will clear up Cody Rhodes' suggested retail price. Going into the holiday season, Cody Rhodes will not be as priceless as Ted DiBiase Jr. He will $56.99, not including taxes. Of course, consumers will find a more affordable price at Wal-Mart. They've got it all.
14. I will take all young, arrogant newcomers in the professional wrestling business to the Old School. At that Old School, they will learn that hand-pulled taffy is more delicious than machine-pulled taffy. In addition, they will discover that the world is flat and entirely Caucasian. Other lessons will teach students that women cannot vote because they are not human and if you encounter a howling dog in the spring, your next baby will become a three-headed, fire-breathing witch.
15. Inside sources tell me that Jim Duggan is not a fan of vowels. With this knowledge in mind, I will single-handedly alter the English language writing system to make U, S, A, and Y the only vowels in the alphabet. Why can't I get rid of Y, you ask? As the greatest professional wrestling analyst alive today, I may have power, but I'm not that powerful. I'm not a scientist. I don’t know how to read. Give me a break.
16. In the park, I will blow bubbles. Then, I will challenge Jim Duggan to catch them. This is what tough guys do when they're not racing cars or wearing each other’s pants.
17. With my guidance, Hacksaw will make a list of everyone and everything that makes him sad. Once he is finished with that list, we will visit dark alleys and fight malnutritioned hobos for their discarded sandwich halves with broken plastic forks. You don't even like egg salad, No Briefs Chauncy.
18. For one night only, I will cook Jim Duggan breakfast food for dinner. While I'm not positive that Hacksaw enjoys the breakfast foods that I enjoy, I am optimistic. I hope you like eating a cold Denny's Grand Slam, served to you on a naked lady who really needs the money.
19. I will let Jim Duggan soak in my bathtub while he listens to his favourite tunes. Since I don't have a stereo system, I will be forced to sit at the other end of the tub, sing James Blunt songs, and shower Duggan with strawberry-scented bath salts.
20. I will hide my face behind my hands. When Jim Duggan appears confused, I will reveal my face behind my hands. The surprise will make him giggle. For the second time, I will hide my face behind my hands. When Jim Duggan gets scared, I will reveal my face behind my hands. The surprise will make him applaud with delight. I will repeat this trick until the end of time.
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