Monday, September 20, 2010

ECW Another One Night Stand

For the longest while, I thought 2005 was my year. All signs pointed to that period of 365 days as the one that made an international superstar out of yours falsely. Now that I have returned to my vault for this very special edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, I must admit what I was wrong. Kelly Clarkson sang "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You," not me. I was neither Harry Potter, nor his fiery goblet. Worst of all, I did not compete in the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania 21. I’m not Shelton Benjamin. It turns out that 2005 was just a ladder-climbing-heavy year for me. No briefcase was involved. Stairs and I had a falling-out until 2007.

When push comes to pull comes to shove, all that I can confirm is that 2005 planted the seeds for the site before you today. Way back in Pioneer Times, I wrote my first professional wrestling article for The Armpit (I originally wanted to write for The Inner Thigh, but we don't get everything we want in life). As other websites deemed my work to be too hot or cold for the Internet, a kind young man with locks of gold thought my stuff was just right. He called himself the Wrestling Professor. For an individual wealthy enough to change his first name to an active verb and his last name to a collegiate occupation, he saw something special in me that nobody else bothered to see: fifty bucks hidden in my wallet. After handing over my amateur gigolo earnings, he gave me my chance to shine.

As you join me in this look back at the origins of The Swerved, keep in my mind that I was a different person in 2005. Back then, I thought professional wrestling consisted of two guys competing in tuxedos and white gloves. Whenever one of them was about to go for a move, he would have to sign and submit a series of documents to finalize its execution. In 2010, I have begrudgingly accepted that this entertainment sport is often unprofessional. The men and women of the industry don't tuck in their shirts. Sometimes, they don't even wear shirts.

Five years ago, I pictured a future in which the hardcore alumni of Extreme Championship Wrestling could not get enough of reuniting with each other. Five years later, they reunite to survive, destroying all innocent objects in their path. Run, tables, chairs, and households utensils. You are not safe here. The spoons can stay, though. The world needs to enjoy pudding the right way.


Due to the success of 2005's One Night Stand, Vince McMahon has called for yet another ECW reunion Pay-Per-View. In place of the invasion storyline that played a significant part in last year's event, Mr. McMahon insisted on the increased participation of World Wrestling Entertainment superstars and personalities for inter-promotional matches and angles. What resulted from this move was a night of surprises, mayhem, and extremeness that wrestling enthusiasts will surely never forget.

ECW Another One Night Stand sponsored by WWE Films' Oh My! starring Michael Cole
Tagline: Extremely Extreme To The Extreme Extremities
Live from the Bingo Hall in Bingo Hallington, USA (June 20, 2006)

(Thanks to Michael Cole's recent transformation into a snide, play-by-play-announcing jerk face, WWE Films/Studios is better off not releasing this hypothetical movie. Hypothetical good for them. If they want to avoid another legendary disaster, I say they should call upon the acting talents of Michael Cole's gong.

I have written a screenplay called Gong Baby Gong. The story is about two gongs trying to find the kidnapper of a young gong. Ben Affleck is in talks to direct and bang the gongs. How about it, WWE? I have submitted an e-mail to you that is actually a piece of paper on top of a computer keyboard. Read the screen, but read what is on the keyboard more as that it where I have somehow put the important information.)

Match 1:
Impact Players w/ Dawn Marie and Jason vs. Snitsky and Edge w/ Bacne and Lita

This was a very good opener. Crowded chanted, "I completely trust her around my friends and acquaintances," toward Lita. Snitsky got in a lot of Lucha Libre moves on Storm and Credible, including a corkscrew plancha on the Players through a table, three chairs, and the Earth's crust.

Finish came when Barry Bonds interfered with a baseball bat — made entirely out of steroids — and struck Credible before Edge got the pin. Lita and Dawn Marie engaged in a catfight, rolling around the ring pretending to be carpets unravelling. Elsewhere, Jason wondered how he was supposed to physically fight back acne. After the match, Matt Hardy ran into the ring, shook Edge's hand, and called him an amazing human being. Fans popped for this big time with high fives and fist pumps all around. Edge said something about him being Money and Lita being the bank that he was in. Matt Hardy shook his head, crossed his arms, and mouthed, "That's my Edge."


(Today, I am glad that Matt Hardy is doing well. You heard me. Matt Hardy is enjoying a happy and healthy lifestyle as I type. Most of you will disagree with me, but I judge a person's well-being by the manner in which he talks about himself in hotels and other public establishments. Matt is doing whatever he needs to do to get wherever he needs to get. In my opinion, the less knowledge you have about your future tasks or locations, the better. For instance, I have no idea where I will be in five minutes. I'm just going to drive my motorized tricycle onto the highway and see what happens. The wind will take me where it may.)

Match 2:
Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven

Terrible bout with no storyline. Before the match, Raven got on the mic and challenged people in the audience to a $14,000 Raven Symoné Challenge to see who could do the best impression of Olivia from The Cosby Show.

Dreamer's new theme ("La La" by Ashlee Simpson) played and he ran around the bingo hall as the crowd sang along word for word. Just as Raven was about to attack Dreamer from behind, Dreamer yelled, "Raven F'n Symone!" to monster cheers and caned Raven in the face with a chopstick. Raven had the crimson mask and looked out of it until he took a vat of Undertaker-flavoured tobacco juice and offered it to Dreamer. Tommy drank the whole thing as a nod to his incredibly successful WWE persona, but it was for naught. Raven low-blowed and pinned him quickly after that. The match lasted 10 seconds, which I will never get back.

(Besides his current role as TNA's articulate wordsmith, Tommy Dreamer's "Devour Everything in Sight" gimmick was my favourite incarnation of him. During his successful stint in World Wrestling Entertainment, I was quite disappointed that nobody else told or showed me what inedible liquids and solids they could consume. With the intensity of a thousand screaming suns, I said, "Every single one of you should be more like Tommy. I know he drinks Barbasol. If you are a guest in my house, what am I going to serve you? Water? Poison? I only buy those drinks for people I know. Since you won't tell me what you drink, you are no guest of mine.)


JBL Promo

John "Bradshaw" Layfield came out in a limo with the ECW logo on the sides and a longhorn wrapped in barb wire on the hood. As he stood in the ring for his upcoming battle, every fan in the arena rose to their feet and chanted "J-B-L" for a good hour. Bradshaw was clearly emotional and bowed to the crowd in humble fashion. He talked about how he loved ECW. Although he never worked there, he was a big fan of tables, chairs, and other furniture that have the potential to be utilized as weapons. He gave a shout out to the Blue Meanie and began to do the Meanie dance to an enormous ovation.

Later, he commented that he loved his hat and being Republican, but loved Republican hats even more since they never married other hats of the same sex. As he was about to leave, Hardcore Holly walked down to the ring. They both did the Meanie dance to all four sides of the building. It was an excellent segment that should become the staple clip of your wrestling tape library.

Match 3:
Stephanie McMahon vs. Paul Heyman

There were tests of strength and breasts vs. baldness at the start of match, followed by exchanges of tilt-a-whirl hurricanranas. Steph put on her ECW beret in the middle of the match and started to do pantomime as Heyman put on a fake moustache and twirled a baguette in his hands. "French stereotypes are accurate representations of the citizens therein," said the crowd, who then drank a spot of tea and put on their gold-rimmed monocles. Heyman busted out the top rope elbow drop and almost won with Sweet Chest Music, but was caught off guard and pinned with the Ponytail Chokeslam onto a steel chair.

Both competitors were over huge and congratulated one another at the end of the match. They raised each other's hand and dosey-doed in the ring for a few minutes before pantomiming and twirling bread once more. A very exciting and quickly paced match-up.

(During the Invasion, Stephanie shocked us all by coming down to the ring as the new leader of ECW. At that very instant, I became her biggest fan entirely because of her leather beret. Without question, Stephanie McMahon understands what it takes to be a strong, female authority figure. First and last of all, you need stylish and alternative headwear.

You see, a woman wearing a regular wool beret deserves little to no respect. Appearing as though you recently jumped out of Target's Fall catalogue makes you ready to visit a pumpkin patch with your toddlers, not lead a group of co-operative extremists. On the other hand, a woman with a leather beret commands respect. If you are wearing a leather beret, you mean business. In and away from France, you are wearing cow skin to keep the top of your head warm. I am not worthy.)


Match 4:
Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD and Jerry Lynn died on the way back to their home planet.

Rating: Zero stars.

Match 5:
Triple H vs. Joey Styles

This match was announced last week when Joey Styles ran down to the ring and attacked Triple H with leftover coin collections unsold from his infomercial.

Triple H went retro with his Connecticut Blue Blood attire while Joey Styles wore Henry Godwinn-like overalls. Insane spot in the match occurred when Styles back-body dropped Triple H into a hog pen and we accidentally went back in time.

The story of the bout was HHH kept on using the Pedigree but Styles would always kick out of it. Once Joey went to use the Pedigree for himself, Triple H escaped and hit him with the sledgehammer. Hunter proceeded to use the sledgehammer to attack the ring announcer, open a bottle of wine, and cure various diseases. Styles made a babyface comeback to "We Want Fables" chants led by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley. They watched the rest of the match from the entranceway as Styles told Triple H about The Goose With The Golden Egg.

(In this scenario, Joey Styles changed parts of the story to keep Hunter from getting too upset.

One day, a countryman and wife came across their goose, who laid a golden egg. Taking the egg home, they discovered that it was real following an intricate, CSI-esque investigation. As the goose continued to lay one golden egg per day, the man and his wife became rather wealthy, selling the eggs for a profit. Believing that the goose housed the greatest and most profitable lump of gold, they chose to kill her. Once they opened up that goose, they found nothing but sons.)

Styles had the visual pin, but Triple H escaped for he prefers stories based on Clifford the Big Red Dog. He ended up hitting the Tripleration H (Pedigree into Piledriver into Co-owner of World Wrestling Entertainment) for the win. Moments later, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and turned on Styles with the 3-D through a 2-D world. They raised Triple H's arms in victory as they changed their names to Bubba H and H-Von Dudley. Of course, this was a great match.

Rating: ****1/2

Match 6:
Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley

At the start, both legends were almost disqualified when Flair tried to set Foley on fire and throw him through a window. To Flair’s dismay, it turns out that Foley was not a stuntman after all and is actually a semi-retired professional wrestler. Foley and Flair exchanged blows on the top turnbuckle. Mick was pushed off and Flair did the Shooting Star Press to the collective comment, "Gee, by golly that's nifty," by the ECW audience.

Foley attempted to backdrop Flair through the table but the Nature Boy held on by complimenting Triple H. Foley spread out thumbtacks as Flair — on the other side of the ring — spread out his robes to create a beautiful tapestry that is most pleasing to the eye. Flair was dropped leg first on the tacks, which somehow made his hair turn from white to red. That’s a great visual no matter how it happens.

In turn, Foley was dropped on the robes and sold the impact by taking a nap. Flair applied the Figure Four Leg Lock, but Mick made it to the ropes. Then, Flair chucked milk and cookies toward him, only for Mick to use a can of Ensure and some prunes to successfully put to rest the Nature Boy for the 1-2-3.

(Ric Flair and Mick Foley are two rare and honourable gentlemen who knew when it was time to hang up the boots. By now, I'm sure Mick Foley is relaxing in Long Island, New York, refusing to show love for Louie from DuckTales while talking about his close personal friends (Melina, Melina, Melina, etc). Meanwhile, Ric Flair is in some classy retirement home in North Carolina, not giving elbow drops to suit jackets while a group of well-dressed people encourage him. That is how you retire.

Shawn Michaels could learn from them. I've seen you on television, Heartbreak Kid. I was watching past matches with you in them, but I saw you in the present day. That counts more than it doesn't count.)

Rating: **

Match 7:
Taz vs. Roller-coaster Ride

Taz entered the ring to a disappointing reaction. He took his black towel and used it as a cape, jogging around the ring with his arms straight out à la Superman or a five-year-old child. He thanked ECW for giving him a chance before burying the company, talking about how he was never appreciated and never given the extra Z in his name until he went to WWE. Taz said, "Hell, if I went to WCW, I'd be Tazzz, damnit," to a lot of jeers from the crowd. He added that from now on, the “FTW” initials on his wrist tape stand for “Futons Trump Waterbeds” as only ECW fans enjoy waterbeds. He received a tremendous amount of boos for that comment.

(I’m sorry to say, but I agree with Taz(z)(z) on this one. For the most part, we share the same point of view on most mattress-related comparisons. "That sofa resembles a fat bench." I am with you on that, Taz. "Let the pigeons loose. Yambags." Wait, I thought we were talking about sofas. Keep the pigeons tethered. Also, I do not appreciate yams in any other shape than their natural form.

Fans of ECW look like the kind of people who would enjoy sleeping on a bag of water without that water ever touching them. If they are scared of anything, they are afraid of showers and being too sexy for the female eye. Do not look directly at ECW fans, ladies. You will be pregnant with multiples.)

A roller-coaster ride named Goliath walked methodically down the aisle to loud applause. Taz was infuriated by this and tried to enter the ride, but was stopped by none of than Vince McMahon himself for not being tall enough. McMahon attacked Taz with his grapefruits. Goliath won by count out. Eric Bischoff was forced to wear a dress somewhere. This was a match-of-the-year candidate.

Rating: *****

Match 8:
John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Triple H vs. ECW Alumni

The final segment featured JBL and HHH versus the entire ECW roster. The odds were stacked against them, but JBL managed to clothesline everyone with his noble arm as Triple H pedigreed people on top of other people to create an orgy of pain. One of the highlights was Sandman riding a river of beer into the bingo hall, only to be stopped by a debuting Stone Cold Linda McMahon. She drank the entire river, then used a George Foreman Grill to Sandman's forehead. A few Linda Stunners took care of the rest.

(Don't let Linda McMahon's mom haircut and Hillary Clinton pants suit fool you. Deep beneath that friendly exterior lies a hellish warrior, ready to win Senate races by awkwardly kicking others in the groin. Question: Does Connecticut require all Senate candidates to take Stone Cold Stunners without prematurely falling to the ground? No? Good. I'm just asking because I saw this one race in Washington State in which this candidate fell upwards. He failed and lost.)

Linda celebrated with JBL and HHH in the middle of that very ring. Next, the three opened up a brewery and drank more beer. Linda yelled, "This is the World Wrestling Entertainment World Order," as she took a can of rainbow spray paint and wrote wweWo on every member of ECW. The fans absolutely loved it.

The three hugged at the end of the show to ECW chants. Pyro went off and confetti rained down on the fans. This segment was so great I want to have relations with it to produce little segments of equal enjoyability.

Rating: ******************** stars out of ******

In conclusion, ECW Another One Night Stand was a big success. It had everything you could hope for and then some. This show is exactly why Extreme Championship Wrestling was so popular then and still has admirers today. There is no telling what this historic event means for the future. I don't want to jinx it, but a WCW reunion would be a sight for sore eyes. Bravo to the McMahon family and company for presenting a once-in-twenty-thousand lifetimes Pay-Per-View. Let's see if WWE Vengeance can top this extravaganza.

WWE Vengeance 2006 Card:
- Chris Masters vs. Tyson Tomko (WWE TITLE MATCH)
- JBL and Triple H vs. The World
- Diva Search 2006 Competition: Diva Brain Surgery
- Eric Bischoff vs. Stone Cold Linda McMahon
- Edge vs. Matt Hardy vs. Oprah
- Chavo Guerrero vs. bad gimmicks

(Oprah Winfrey is willing to fight a rock star hobo and a regular hobo, but not me? Watch out, Oprah. Enjoy vacationing in Australia with your army of housewives. If a certain someone pops out of a kangaroo pouch and attacks you with a knife-wielding joey, don't be surprised.)

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