Monday, September 06, 2010


The debut of NXT Season 3 is approaching. Do you know where your children are? If so, you better drag them back to the house and park them in front of the television set. Despite Season 2 ending no more than a week ago, a wilder and younger bunch of rookies are ready to show the world what they have to offer: attractive female parts. I am so excited for this all-Diva edition of NXT that I want to run into the ring, try to save a female version of Kaval from a beat down, then easily give up and watch her get pummelled. World Wrestling Entertainment feels the same way, except they want to run onto SyFy, show a 6'9" woman, then hide her in Florida until further notice.

This time, let us bid farewell to the Balls Banquet and welcome the Yeast Feast. In what will be a lengthy competition that could last upwards of four weeks, five lovely ladies will fight for the right to be the next WWE Diva. Being a NXT Rookie Diva is not enough for them. They must be smart, sexy, and powerful at the major league level. Although the last two winners of NXT won a shot at a championship title of their choosing, these women know that "WWE Diva" is the only title worth fighting for in the entire company. Championship reigns are fleeting. Bona fide prima donnas last forever.

Depending upon your point of view, The Swerved's oddsmakers may or may not have given accurate predictions for the last season of NXT. If you looked directly at the predictions, they missed the mark. If you looked at the predictions from a great distance through a pinhole camera while wearing three pairs of sunglasses, they could never have been more right. For Season 3, my experts have assured me that their predictions are rock solid. Place your bets before the authorities arrive.

Can the all-star, NXT Pro cast of Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Goldust, The Bella Twins, and Primo bring their rookies to the promised land? Eight out of ten innovative comediennes tell me that Goldust and Primo will be unable to find the promised land because men never ask for directions. Also, these comediennes insist that dating is difficult and expect other females to agree with their belief. As for me, I want to know what these comediennes are doing in my home. The oddsmakers invited them, didn't they? Well, they're fired.

Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly

Choreographed turn to the Internet audience. What's up, Swerved Nation? It's me — Stephen Rivera. I can't wait to talk about Kelly Kelly mentoring Naomi Night on Season 3 of NXT. Kelly's rookie is a girl after my own heart. She's fun, sassy, athletic, loves pink high-tops, and can only afford to add purple hair colouring to her bangs. When her stylist tried to add colouring to the rest of the hair, she said, "Not right now. I'm on a purple hair colouring payment plan."

Unlike the other Rookie Divas, Naomi claims that her style in the ring is very unique because she is athletic. Oh, finger snaps in a zigzag pattern. For a former Orlando Magic cheerleader on a purple hair colouring payment plan, Naomi sure is cocky/snatchy. What a statement. I am close friends with many former Orlando Magic cheerleaders. Let me tell you that they are synchronized, yet humble.

To me, Naomi Night and Kelly Kelly don't seem to have much in common at all, but I will give this pairing the benefit of the doubt. As Naomi brings her “A” game, I expect the other divas to bring their “C” game and show up to this competition greatly unprepared. Most of them will forget their kegs at home.

Odds of Winning: 8:1

Maxine and Alicia Fox

Alternating car model pose. Hello, Swerved Nation. It's your favourite inhabitant of the riverbank here — Stephen Rivera. I was not surprised that Alicia Fox was chosen to be the next NXT Pro, but I was surprised that her rookie has "champagne taste with a champagne budget." On top of Season 3 being an all-Diva competition, is WWE running with a funds management theme? Are all Rookie Divas going to tell us how they utilize their monetary assets? If so, I think this season will be a major hit with the kids. First, Naomi is paying for hair colouring through installments. Now, Maxine has dedicated the majority of her income to white sparkling wine to the extent that she does not have enough money to buy actual food. These are relatable stories involving relatable people.

According to Michael Cole, Maxine claims that she is well kept, intelligent, manipulative, motivated, and gets what she wants. She believes that men shouldn't pursue her, but men can't resist her. The fact that Maxine is confiding in Cole enough to give him a detailed description of her personality is worrisome. Plus, I doubt Maxine will have the energy to make it to the end of NXT. Champagne doesn't contain any essential nutrients.

Odds of Winning: 100:1

Aksana and Goldust

Self-loathing turn to the audience with breathable paint on my face. Hey, nation. This is Stephen Rivera. I have seen Goldust's rookie and she will star in a Shattered Dreams Production of WWE literally shattering her dreams in about two months. And when Goldust is finished with her, she will probably have to move back to Lithuania. I don't know what language they speak in Lithuania, but in North America, we speak North American. Do you speak it, lady?

Aksana (Živilė Raudonienė) declares that she is the most pretty girl in NXT, which is a bold statement for a Rookie Diva. Stating you're better looking than four other women is like X-Pac stating that he was one of the brighter stars of X-Factor. Oh, Aksana. Look at her and her medium level of self-esteem. How adorable. In addition to being beautiful and hard working, Aksana mentions that she is very athletic. In a related story, Naomi's game plan is out the window.

Personally, I am rooting for Aksana because she wants to show the other girls that they can reach whatever they feel inside. They sure can. That is usually the first thing I tell girls when I meet them.

Odds of Winning: 20:1

Jamie Keyes and The Bella Twins

Taking a sick day off from my successful escort business for RAW guest hosts, I gyrate in a seductive fashion. Hey, Swerved Nation. I'm Stephen Rivera, I'm Stephen Rivera, and we're Stephen Rivera. Just like The Bella Twins (if competitive flower wearing counts), their rookie has been competing in sports her whole life. She does look a little familiar, too. She was either the ring announcer for NXT Season 2 or took 4th place at the 2010 Competitive Flower Wearing Championship in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

I think of Jamie Keyes as the pioneer of NXT Season 3, complete with an ultra sexy pioneer dress and matching bonnet. To my knowledge, she is the first rookie to fight for a chance to work for World Wrestling Entertainment while working for World Wrestling Entertainment. Good for her. Apparently, ring announcing has given Jamie the opportunity for the crowd to get to know her. I can see where Jamie is coming from as her job was to introduce everybody but herself.

I have high hopes for The Bella Twins and Jamie Keyes. In the end, perhaps Nikki and Brie will be better mentors than Michelle McCool and Layla. After all, they are expanding on a tried and true NXT tradition. They are proof that it takes two women to show one woman how to do one man's job.

Odds of Winning: 4:1

A.J. Lee and Primo

Vacant Puerto Rican stare with an awkward Puerto Rican smile. Swerved Nation; Stephen Rivera here. I would like to tell you that Primo is a Pro in Season 3 of NXT. It's no surprise to me that WWE chose a guy like him — Mr. High School Facial Hair — to mentor and train A.J. Lee. She is a senorita, a mamacita, a maker of delicious pitas. A.J. has spunk and energy, meaning that she maintains a balanced diet. She does not have three meals of champagne per day. Maxine's nemesis has arrived.

A.J. Lee is representing all the nerds out there in the WWE Universe. Before you nerds get all hot and bothered in your undeveloped nether regions, let me clarify that A.J. is not an actual nerd. When she talks about being a nerd, she is referring to my people's definition of a nerd (the hot person's definition). In other words, she is clumsy, forgets where she puts her keys at times, and accidentally watched ten minutes of the first Star Wars prequel while channel surfing on a Sunday evening. Nevertheless, I am confident that you vote for her anyway. Loneliness shall power your right to choose.

Odds of Winning: 1:1

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